All language subtitles for Que.pelo.mas.guay.2012.SPANISH.WEBRip.x264-YTS.MX-YIFY

Welcome to The Coolest Hair.

Before we begin, we would like to warn you
the images you are about to see

make no sense at all.

Don't panic. Don't panic.

Don't panic.

WILSON'S HAIR SALON

MEN

This is the story of two men.

Fran, white male, crazy about shooting.

Eddie, black male. He has very cool hair.

This is the story of a suitcase
full of cocaine.

This is the story of an abandoned
and mysterious hair salon.

It's all pretty weird and twisted.

Ready. Steady.

Sure, you're ready.

What was that, brother?

You could have at least
checked out the display.

- I worry about you.
- Thanks.

I mean, look at you, man.
I'm embarrassed to be seen with you.

Fuck, that's one ugly jacket.
The same you always wear?

- Yeah, same one.
- No, it's even uglier.

I told you it's the same.

Ugly fucker!
Damn, you're ugly, ugly, ugly!

Let's not insult a brother's garms.
That's out of line.

It's time, Eddie. Time.

Time has taught me to dress elegantly.

You have it or you don't,
as my uncle Paco used to say.

Cuban heels, Italian trousers,
Walmart underwear.

You have to think about everything.

Get me a beer.

Get it yourself.

Hey dickwad, I've been driving non-stop
for 200 kilometres. Get me a beer!

If you haven't drunk them all.

Schulz? What the fuck?

I know stealing beer is something
your race does,

but you could have at least got
a better brand. Schulz!

If you don't like it, fuck off.
Eyes on the road!

Eddie, ever think about getting
a haircut, a trim at the back?

What the fuck? Don't touch my hair, Fran.

I'm just saying the back looks odd.
Trust me, I know about hair.

Nobody messes with my hair, brother!

- All I'm saying...
- I will kick your ass, hear me?

Eyes on the road
if you don't want my hair...

God?

- Is that you?
- No Fran, it's me!

Andy Warhol?

I came to warn you.

I just crashed the car, Andy.

So I see, Fran.

But listen to me.

When you don't understand anything
that's going on, remember...

The beginning is the end.

What?

The beginning is the end.

Too pop, Andy.

Fran, when you don't understand
what's going on,

you have to go back to the start.

Follow the white rabbit.

You're losing your mind, man!

Andy? Andy, where are you going?

Eddie?

Is that you?

If you ever touch my hair again,
you're dead!

I can't go on.
My foot's fucking killing me!

Is this the place?

Yes, this is the place.

WILSON'S HAIR SALON

You wait here.

Well done! It could be a trap.

Let's synchronize our watches.
What time you got?

It's 12:45.

- What time did he say he'd be here?
- No questions.

Wait!

What?

What do you mean, 12:45? It's 11:45.

The clocks went back yesterday.

I know.

- So why don't you do it?
- Why should I?

'Cause you're not in the jungle,
just put your watch back.

- What for?
- I don't know, so it's an hour behind.

- Behind what?
- They'll give it back to you later.

- Give it back?
- Yes, dude.

- That's a relief.
- Let's synchronize.

- We're not synchronizing anything.
- You can't play with time, man!

Alright, just synchronize
the motherfucking watches!

That's one hideous watch.

You better quit busting my black balls.

This is disgusting.

It's me, Eddie.

What the fuck, man?
Didn't I tell you to wait outside?

I got bored.

Fuck you! Ain't that why we synchronized
the motherfucking watches?

Did I scare you?

Me? Get the fuck out of here.

I knew it, you shit yourself.

I take precautions, I like being alive.

- You watch too many movies.
- Yeah.

Oh yeah?

Movies where they kill a brother
because of the white guy.

What is this place?

A hair salon.

No shit! But what the fuck
are we doing here?

It ain't a hair salon,
it was a hair salon.

Now it's just an empty space.

But full of dead hair.

So who's the buyer? A hairdresser?

- Maybe it's the guy in the photo, Eddie.
- Sure! He's got an ad in the yellow pages:

"We buy and sell narcotics.
We also do highlights."

Fuck, it gives me the creeps.

There's the toilet, I'll take a look.

Look here, brother, there's a leak.

Who sang this?

The Doors, wasn't it?

Right, "Riders on the Storm."
How did it go?

No man, that ain't it.

No, that ain't it.

Wait up, wait up.

- What the fuck?
- That's for crashing the fucking car.

I'm telling you I saw a light.

- Then I was talking to Andy.
- Andy? Andy Warhol?

You're telling me he crossed the marsh
just to talk to you?

No, he appeared and spoke to me.

Then he turned into a rabbit and left.

Pretty!

He said, "The beginning is the end."

And the cat is in the kitchen!

You ain't right, brother.
So you have voices in your head?

How can you hear voices
when you never shut up?

I'm the one hearing voices.
Your sorry-ass voice, "Eddie, Eddie."

Something happened, Eddie.

Some things are beyond human comprehension
and I don't care what you say.

I'll tell you what's beyond
comprehension, smartass.

On an empty road under the light
of a moon so bright

you could see black guys making love
10 kilometres away,

you crash the car, asshole!

HAIR SALON

What time did he say he'd be here?

He didn't say. He said we should wait here
because he had things to do.

Fuck, I can't see anything.

- Is it pure?
- What?

The coke. Is it pure?

Yes.

- Is it good?
- Yes.

- Have you tried it?
- No!

- Can we have...
- No!

- Come on, man. Why not?
- We're here on business, not pleasure!

- Fuck, no food, no drugs!
- No woman, no cry.

This is bullshit!

Can't you call the buyer and tell him
to grab some burgers on his way?

That's low.

So we could snort a couple of lines
to kill the hunger.

Sounds fun, but still low.

You tell me what we're going to do,
I'm fucking starving.

I don't think we're going
to have to wait that long.

How should I know?
You don't tell me anything.

You could at least tell me
where it came from.

The suitcase?

It's an incredible story.

I bumped into Mackalahan's mother.

Mackalahan?

- Yeah man, Mackalahan.
- Mackalahan.

Fucking Miguelillo, Charo's boy.

Ah, Miguel, Mackalahan.

Her son found this suitcase in the garbage
and she told me this incredible story.

I don't know how you understand
that woman.

So what did she tell you?

She said,

"Listen, Eddie."

So the other day I lie down to nap,
rest my eyes, and I wake up,

my brat walks in, like,

'Mama, I just got my ass kicked
by three guys.'

The suitcase! There, the suitcase!

And the bike! The bike, Eddie! No way!

Not her, the sister!

"And that's it!"

- And you took the suitcase.
- Of course, brother!

And how much do you think
we'll get for it?

Hey! How many times do I have to tell you
that the walls have ears?

I thought you said this place
was abandoned.

There could be microphones.

Gross or net?

Black.

Rich! We're rich!
Eddie, we have to celebrate!

I'm going to spank the monkey. You coming?

- No, not now, brother!
- You know what this means?

Millionaires!
At last we can start our own bar!

- Where?
- In Brazil!

I can see it! Wait, don't pull yet!

I can see it! I can see it!
Just a bit further!

I have it! Goodbye, Eddie,
wherever you are. Pull, pull!

What the fuck is he doing now?

Don't you touch anything in that suitcase.
You hear me?

I'm tired of this, you crazy fuck!

Fran! Come on, you son of a bitch,
get out of there.

Brother, if I have to come in there,
it'll be much worse.

Fran!

Hello, welcome.

Who the hell are you?

- Is it you? Are you the...
- Yes, I am.

Shit.

There's been a mix-up,
it's kind of funny really.

Well, you won't laugh.

Please, sit.

You want me to sit? Okay, I'll sit.
Let's stay calm, we're both pros, right?

I'm the best you'll find round here.

Sure, I was told
you were the big man round here.

Well, yes, I guess I'm the big man.

But it's not easy to say,
there's real competition in this business.

It's all about service,
wouldn't you agree?

Yeah, the service, trust.
I guarantee you can trust us.

Well, me. I won't fail.

Well, thank you, that's nice.
How do you want it?

Cash would be best.
But we should wait for my partner.

You should make your mind up, it's late.

I'd show you the goods,
but sometimes there are problems.

What the fuck are you doing?
Put your hands where I can see them.

What's wrong? Want me to wash it first?

What the fuck are you talking about?
You need to launder it?

You want colour? What colour?

- I don't know what we're talking about.
- Cut or colour?

I deliver. If you want to cut it,
be my guest, that ain't my problem.

So it's a cut. Sit.

- Cut what?
- Your hair! Do you want it done?

Who the fuck said I want my hair cut?

This is a hair salon,
that's what we do here. Cut hair.

That's what I was about to do
before you got a rocket up your ass.

Which...

if you do...

I mean, I wouldn't mind.

Never. Touch. My hair.

Who the fuck are you?

A hairdresser?

Oh dear, my little secret's out.

Wait a minute.

- How long have you been here?
- All day.

No, I mean how long
have you been working here?

Personal questions.

I don't know, about twenty years.

- Twenty years?
- Twenty years. I just felt a lot older!

Wait a minute, I was right here
with my partner, just the two of us.

I opened at eight, and unfortunately
you are my last and only customer.

Damn it.

This is number 10 Rabbit St.?

Yes.

It was deserted.

Business has been slow, you rude bastard!

Especially since I changed my...

character.

Have you seen a guy who looks
like Chuck Norris without a beard?

No. Listen, we're having a great time,

but I was going to close, so if you
still want a haircut, please sit.

No white man's gonna touch my hair.

You're white too.

- No, I'm black.
- Black?

What you laughing at?
I'm black, can't you see?

Well, if you say so.

Congratulations, my friend.

You have the whitest black skin
I've ever seen.

If you change your mind
about the haircut, I'll be here.

Let's see. If this ain't the place,
why does it look like the place?

If this dude ain't the buyer,
who the fuck is he?

Unless this place is
an exact replica of the other place.

That's it! There are two places.

But, why?

This is weird. Where the hell is Fran?

Wait a moment. What if this guy
is the buyer and it's a test?

That's it. He's the hairdresser buyer.

Sure! Like the firefighting bullfighter
but more serious.

I never understood
the firefighting bullfighter.

Just a bunch of dwarves
dressed up as bullfighters.

But where the fuck is the firefighter?
I've never seen one.

Come on, Eddie, don't lose it now.

The buyer gave me this address,
10 Rabbit St.

Why can't we remember The Doors' song?
We fucking love it!

The only sure thing is that this place
is an exact replica of the other one.

So, right now Fran must be in the other
place making the deal with the buyer.

Motherfucker!

Rich! Rich! I'm rich! We're rich!

Eddie, we have to celebrate.
I'm going to spank the monkey. You coming?

No, not now, brother.

You know what this means? Millionaires!
At last we can start our own bar!

- Where?
- In Brazil!

Wait a minute, I've been here before.

Eddie?

There was a black guy there.

Where is he?

Fran.
What the fuck are you doing, brother?

Where did you come from?

- I was with the hairdresser.
- A hairdresser?

Yeah, the one on the other side.
Where's the buyer?

What hairdresser?
Something strange is going on.

Something strange?

- I had a déjà vu.
- What?

- A déjà vu.
- Is that French?

- What's wrong with you?
- What's wrong with you, man?

- A hairdresser?
- A déjà vu?

- Yes, a déjà vu!
- That's French for what?

- I don't know. What's wrong with you?
- What's wrong with you?

I had a déjà vu!

That feeling that something's
already happened before.

Like when you can't remember if you did
a line of coke, so you do three.

Yes, that's right. Well, not that.

Shut up and show me the suitcase.

The suitcase?

Where is it?

The suitcase, Fran.

You had the suitcase!

Where is it?

What are you talking about? I went
to the bathroom and left it with you.

I'm serious. Where did you put it?

Me?

When?

Are you kidding or what?

- Fran, I'm getting tired of it.
- What the fuck is wrong with you?

- I want the suitcase, now!
- You have it.

You have the suitcase.
You're fucking with me.

No, you're fucking with me.

Put it down.

You first.

Put it down, Fran.

Now.

Your turn.

- Now, you filthy black bastard.
- What did you call me?

- Black.
- No, the other thing.

Filthy.

Where is it?

You tell me.

You took it.

You think I'd have come back for you
if I had it?

Maybe that hairdresser has it.

Listen carefully. This is our only chance
to do something big. Don't fuck with me.

You have it.

I was sitting on that chair and you
showed up screaming and took it away.

I didn't.

I went to the toilet and when I came out,
you were gone and I found the hairdresser.

And this place had changed.

It was the same place, but different.
Know what I mean?

What?

That hairdresser works here.

This place is abandoned.

I know. I went back to the toilet
and then you were here again.

You went to the toilet with a dude?

Yes.

There's a dude in the toilet?

No, but there must be a door
in that shithouse

that takes you to a hair salon
just like this one, hairdresser and all.

It might take you.
All it does for me is give me déjà vu.

If it wasn't you, some motherfucker
who looks just like you

just came and took our fucking coke.

There's a guy as bad as me around?

No, he's worse.

There...

There's no-one worse than me.
I'm bad with a capital B.

I'm the baddest motherfucker in the world.

I was born bad, I dress bad, I eat bad.

I piss bad. I studied at a bad university.

I'm the personification of bad.
No-one, you hear me, no-one,

even if he has my hair, my face
and my cock, is as bad as me.

You hear me, motherfucker?

Stop it! Stop! My gun!

That hurt.

Fuck! That hurt, Fran.

Sorry, I didn't think it
was one of those parrots.

Those glass eyes, it's really sore.

I thought the afro... You alright?

No, Fran, I'm not. I want you to swear
you didn't take the suitcase.

I swear.

Where are you going?

- I'm going back in, you wait here.
- Yeah.

I'll talk to that hairdresser, beat
the crap out of him, see what happens.

What do I do?

You wait here, count to 20.
If someone other than me comes through

before you finish, even if it's you,
you kill him.

And if I don't come out after 20,
you come in and get me. Got it?

Wait a minute.

- Something's not right here.
- What's that?

- How much time do we have?
- I don't know.

- You don't? What time's the buyer coming?
- He didn't say.

He didn't say? See, Eddie,
it's all your fault. Your black man ways.

I should have made the deal.
You can't hear through that afro.

But of course, you won't cut it.

It's him!

Who?

The hairdresser I told you about.
The owner!

The guy on the other side of the toilet.

- The guy in the picture?
- Yeah.

Yes, he told me he'd been here 20 years,
but this place is deserted.

It says something here.

"This guy is dead."

What do you mean, dead?

It's what it says here!

Wait a minute.

Help me. He came out of here somewhere.

- It's the hairdresser!
- How?

How? How can it be?

He's dead.

Yes, he's dead.

Fuck, he's dead!

So how the hell did you speak with him?

Because he was moving, Fran,
I swear he was there.

Doesn't sound right, Eddie. Look at him.

I'm telling you I spoke to him!

No way, he doesn't even have a mouth.

That's it!

It isn't him. They put his hair
and glasses on to fool us, it isn't him.

Who's they?

The dude who stole our suitcase.

The dude that looks like me?

Something strange is happening in
that toilet. We're going to find out what.

I'm going in.

You're going in?

Yeah, I'm gonna do it.
That bastard has our tickets to Brazil.

He's got our passports, our suitcase,
maybe he is badder than me.

Listen to me, Fran.
You count to 20 and come get me.

I've heard that before.

- Because I just told you twice.
- Ah, yeah.

Ready?

Steady.

Sorry.

I'm going with you.

No. Someone has to stay here
in case the buyer shows.

- What do I tell him?
- I don't know. You'll think of something.

What the...

One.

Two.

Wilson!

Three.

Seventeen.

Eighteen.

Twenty!

- The beginning is the end.
- And the cat is in the kitchen.

You ain't right, brother.

So you're hearing voices in your head?

Wait a minute. What's going on?
I've been here before.

Why is it all happening again?
Something I ate?

But I didn't eat. Maybe that's it.

I've got déjà vu.

Something happened, Eddie. Some things
are beyond human comprehension

and I don't care what you say.

I'll tell you what's beyond
comprehension, smartass.

No, it must be a dream.

I'll go wash my face and when I wake up,
Eddie will be here with the suitcase.

you crash the car, asshole!

Now I'm in the car again.

I can't see this hairdresser
Eddie was talking about.

Well, I can't even find Eddie.

Let's not insult a brother's garms.
That's out of line.

You're gonna give me shit
about my clothes?

Okay, he's here,
but this is "Before Eddie".

Before?

Low!

What am I saying?

Wait a minute, this is no déjà vu.

Am I still dreaming?

I have to get out of here!

Come on, Fran, wake up!

You like the girl in the back room, huh?

Fuck this!

Stop playing around
and watch the road, Fran.

Get it yourself.

If you don't like it, too bad.
Keep your eyes on the road.

What the fuck?

Six kilometres.

Nobody messes with my hair, brother!

I'll kick your ass.

We're gonna fucking crash, man.

Keep your eyes on the road
if you don't want my hair up your ass!

Fran!

What's a cyclorama?

A cyclorama is a screen
that you project images on.

How to explain it, like old movies
when you see the road at the back.

So the movie's crap
and you can see it's fake.

No Paco, it's done on purpose.

They want to do metafiction
on a low budget.

Metafiction? Metafiction? What's...

It's fiction within fiction.

Fiction within fiction.
But why so much of it all?

It's deconstructing fiction
and elaborating on elements, methods.

Expanding on...
Ah, pour me another drink will you?

Sure thing, champ!

I don't know where to begin
with the review.

I don't even like metafiction.

Of course, of course.
It's like modern cooking,

those guys that make food from food:
meta-cooking!

I tell ya, some of them
take shots of stew!

To me these stories by young "creators"...

Let's start with the title,
The Coolest Hair.

"Cool." What a stupid word, Paco!
What do you make of it? "Cool."

Cool? What do you think I make of it?

That's what they call them,
but to me they're all fags.

Paco, are you a homophobe?

Me? Never, I'm not afraid of the dark.

- Oh, Paco...
- What's up?

Nothing, I just have to write a review
of this movie and I dunno where to start.

What do you think about what I just
told you? Give me your opinion.

Me? No. Leave that to the bohemians.

You all end up here in the bar though.
You feel too much, man.

What you need is a good fuck!

Love is in the air?
If you want to feel, feel a good fuck.

Could you give me a hand?

No, I can't. My omelette's going to stick.

Besides, I have the bar to look after.

- Only because it's you.
- Wait a minute.

So, tell me.

Basically, it's the story of two guys
that go to a hair salon to sell drugs.

Drugs? Bad guys.

- Bad guys?
- If there's drugs, they're bad.

- Okay, they're bad guys.
- See?

Two bad guys, one black guy, one white.
No, they're both white.

How many are there?

Well, counting the hairdresser...

A hairdresser with drugs?
This is the mafia. Is it an American film?

- No, no, Spanish.
- Spanish? Shit, is Banderas in it?

Paco, pay attention. It's two guys...

I just can't do it, it's bullshit.
The movies, the movies...

Just try it.

Only because it's you.

So how many blacks are in this?

How many?

Well, I'll be damned.

Are you a racist, Paco?
That's a thing of the past.

Racist, me? Never, I'm all for it.

Although there is something
that makes me sick.

They bust my balls, they do.

I remember when I had my estate.

I had a dog, called him Hamburger.
What a dog, Hamburger!

He was a beauty.
And if he stood, he was bigger than me.

I even have a photo.

One night, two bastards tried to break
into the house and drugged him.

And they couldn't get in,
so they cut his legs off.

All four of them.

When I woke up the next day,
the poor thing was still alive.

Had to put him down. What a pity.

Did you call the police?

I found them eventually.
Kids, they were. What can you do?

I took them home, cut off their limbs
and threw what was left in the park.

Jesus Christ, Paco!

You're such a joker.

You know, I think
I'm a bit strange myself.

- Why's that?
- I love Spanish omelette.

But I like it, listen to this,
with cold potatoes and hot eggs.

That would be a meta-omelette.

- Here's to that! Get me another drink.
- Sure thing, champ.

From now on, I'm only going
to review with good vibes!

- Am I where I'm supposed to be?
- Where the fuck where you?

Is that you, Eddie?

Come again?

Is that you?

What's wrong with you?

Did you speak to the hairdresser?

No.

- No?
- No, Fran, no.

Well, yes, but no.

I was in the salon, but it was different.
I don't know how many there are.

I went back and came out again
and there he was.

But since we found out he was dead...

I got the creeps and ran away.
Where were you?

Looking for you.

Where did you go?

I was with you.

With you.

But not now.

Before.

What?

Eddie, do you remember the car crash?

Remember what Andy Warhol said?

"The beginning is the end."

- What does that mean?
- That the beginning is the end.

"And the cat is in the kitchen,"
what about that?

There's a cat in the kitchen.

But I was just messing with you.

Don't you see, Eddie?

The cat in the kitchen
and the rabbit on the road...

None of this is...

real.

What have you taken, Fran? Give me some.

- No, listen, listen.
- I'll listen, but give me.

I'm trying to tell you
none of this is real.

That's cool, Fran, but give me some!

Eddie, I just had the crash from before.

And you'll have another one
if you don't share that shit.

I'm not sure what I'm saying, but wherever
I was just now, you and I had the case.

- Wait a minute, Fran.
- No, hold on!

Don't you see? The rabbit on the road,
the chicken in the kitchen...

- Fran, wait!
- That's you and me locked in this salon!

Like rabbits in a lab,
but with no chicken.

So, Fran, you're saying that when you
went into the toilet, you came out here.

Well, not here, here before.

This isn't real. Where you came from
there isn't a pink hairdresser like I saw.

I won't get into the rabbit
and the chicken shit.

So what's up? Does the toilet have some
kind of lever to a time machine in it?

No, Eddie. What I'm trying to tell you
is that there is no toilet.

If there's a door,
there's got to be a toilet behind it.

That's how it works.

Oh yeah?

Have you seen it?
What does it look like?

What colour is it?

Black.

And look. Come here.

Don't you feel like we're being watched?

- What?
- Yes.

Like someone's watching us.

See? That's what I mean
when I say none of this is real.

There's nothing behind that door.

We go in and come out somewhere else,
but there's no toilet.

So...

The "monkey"?

There was no monkey.
It remains un-spanked.

And listen.

There is an annoying tune
every time we open the door.

Fuck, that is annoying.

Things travel in there,
they change places.

Okay, Fran, then who has
the suitcase? The hairdresser?

I don't know, Eddie.
I haven't seen the hairdresser.

Only you see the hairdresser.

Fuck, Fran. Every time I go in there,
I show up here with that hairdresser dude.

But he's dead.

Then how come...

I speak with him?

Wait.

If you see the dude,

alive...

That's it!

You travel in time in the salon...

and...

And the other one travels
through the story.

Yes, his character comes out of sequence.

Ah yes! He must be dead, like
the blonde girl in that Amenábar film.

And you know when he died?
I'll tell you! When they crashed the car.

No, Paco, I mean when one of them
goes into the toilet,

he travels through time,
while the other travels through the movie.

All I see is too many trips to the toilet
and we both know what that means.

How are they going to travel
through the movie?

Do you realize how silly that sounds?

That's the metafiction stuff
I was telling you about.

Who the hell made a movie like that?
Why is it so weird?

Let me see, I have the credits here.

The director is Borj...

Fuck knows who.

- Produced by SeXpeare...
- Porno.

And Pop Productions.

POP PRODUCTIONS

What the fuck was that?

A target, Eddie!

- Where is it?
- I'll tell you where it is!

Mints?

They're mints.

Your gun shot mints.

Eddie? Don't shoot, man, I'm diabetic!

Fuck!

CHARGE 1

What the fuck is this?

Ketchup?

He shot me, his best friend.
You know how much that stings?

Damn it. My gun shoots mints!

Mine ain't real either, like us.
This is too much, man.

Where's that breeze coming from?

Yeah, it's chilly.

Why's this movie so cold?

Fuck, Eddie! We're in a movie!

Hey! You're not supposed to hear me.
They're my thoughts.

Ah, sorry.

- No, wait a minute.
- What?

I don't know.

"Don't know," he says.

Yeah. That's why we can't remember
that song by The Doors.

They haven't paid royalties.

But there is music.

Yeah Fran, but it's not
"Riders on the Storm".

Must be a low-budget movie.

So you say wherever you were,
you saw the suitcase?

Yes.

What colour was it?

It was... blue. There's no other.

Yeah, that's the one.

You should have grabbed it!

Steal? I'll kill and deal drugs,
but I ain't no thief.

It's just not me.

Steal the suitcase! That's it.

Steal the suitcase. You crazy?
Steal it from who?

I'm not crazy, Fran.

We've got to fight this.
We can do it, brother.

We're being manipulated, they might not
even be your words coming from your mouth.

Holy crap!
Are you saying I don't have a mouth?

- No.
- Tell me it's there!

Can you see it?
This has to be me, it has to be!

What's going on? Where are we?
Who are you? Are you Eddie or not?

How can you be black
when you look so white?

Holy crap! Nothing is real!

Nothing is real!

Holy crap.

Do you see, Fran? This isn't you.

You're right. Why did I just do that?

What the fuck's going on?

It's probably some actor playing you.

Yeah, he's overacting.

- Are you saying a white guy's playing me?
- White as peace.

I don't get it!

What did you say?

I'm black! Why would they get
a white guy playing me?

No, no, the other thing.

I don't get it.

That's what Andy Warhol said.

He said, "I don't get it"?

No, he told me there would come a time
when I wouldn't understand anything.

Then I should remember,
"The beginning is the end."

Of course.

The beginning is the end.
It's all a potato.

We have to go back to the beginning
for the suitcase! You see?

Yes, it's strange, but I do!

You have to go through that toilet
and steal the suitcase! Is that clear?

Crystal clear, man!

Why me?

Because if you stole it once,
you have to steal it again.

Yeah? Why is that?

That's how it works in the movies.

What movies?

Those strange movies
about time travel and the unexplained.

Planet of the Apes.

- Great movie! - The Fly.

The Time Machine,
The Philadelphia Experiment.

Poltergeist. Back to the Future.

Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.
Honey, I Blew Up the Kids.

Honey, I tried washing him,
but he's black!

Fran, Hollywood doesn't lie.

You should have started
with Back to the Future.

You got problems, man.

Eddie.

I'm scared.

It's okay, brother, I'm here.

Eddie, I'm scared,

but if this is a movie,
somebody might be watching.

So I'm a white guy in the movie.

Motherfucker! If I get out of here,
I'll kill him, brother!

Where are you going?

So now he sits down?

Son of a...

"The beginning is the end."

Who wrote that song?

Okay, where am I?

No, think again, Fran. When am I?

What the hell happened here?

I knew you'd come!
I've been waiting for you!

Do you know me?

I do.

I finally understand something
someone told me a long time ago.

"The beginning is the end."

Well, Fran, you're the beginning
and I am...

the end.

Eddie?

Eddie, is that you?

Yeah, that's him.

Eddie, man.

Stop, Eddie, stop!

- What happened to you?
- You never came back, that's what.

I didn't? When?

We discovered you could travel
through the movie

and sent you through the toilet,
but you never came back, Fran.

Wait a minute, I just went
into the toilet. How long has it been?

- What day is it?
- Tuesday.

Oh, Tuesday! Forty years.

Forty years?

So we never made it?

I don't know, you disappeared,
you must have got lost in time.

Like that's nothing?

Of course it's nothing,
it's less than nothing.

You get lost and I wait.
Who got the raw deal?

Where's the coke?

I don't know. Did the buyer ever show?

How should I know? You never came back!

I turned into somebody different.

But I knew I was looking for you
through time.

Stop stealing my shot!

You never came back, Fran!

All I've done since is crap and crap,
hoping a turd would fall on your back!

Fuck, Eddie, I'm sorry.

Well, no, I'm not. How could
I have known this would happen?

Where's the coke?

I don't know! I went out looking for you.
I've told you before!

All this time hasn't passed for me.

What happened here?

It's a long story.

- I wouldn't mind hearing it.
- It would bore you, really.

- I'm sure it won't.
- It will.

- It won't.
- Yes, it will.

I have time.

What's wrong with you?
Can't you see I don't want to tell you?

- Tell me.
- No! You're stealing my shot!

Come on, Eddie, pour your heart out!
You never talk about yourself.

I tell you everything
and you never open up.

Alright! Sit!

What for?

I'm gonna tell you!

- Is it that long?
- No.

It's short.

POP PRODUCTIONS & SEXPEARE
PRESENT

WHAT EDDIE DID FOR THE LAST 40 YEARS

The black white guy!

Wait up, I'm making some tea.

Got you, black white guy!

Are you going to tell me
why you keep coming out of my toilet?

- What's your name?
- Wilson.

- Right.
- So you come out of the toilet?

Yes, the suitcase won't show,
the cocaine's gone.

The hair salon shouldn't be here.
We've had to synchronize our watches.

What's a brother supposed to do
with it all, Wilson?

It's good.

Wilson?

Can I have a TAB?

No, wait a minute.

Now.

Wait a minute.

- Damn!
- No...

- They're mints.
- Thanks.

You like it?

- Wilson. What is it?
- Go away.

What happened?

- Nothing.
- What's this?

CAN'T HAVE CHILDREN

NO UTERUS
YOU ARE A FUCKING MAN

Nothing, nothing's happened.

That's it, nothing will ever happen.

Wilson!

There, there.

Eddie.

Eddie?

Fran.

I have to go, I'm running out of time.

Fran, before you leave,
I have something for you.

- A rope?
- Not any old rope.

It's "the" rope.

The rope?

Of course. It's magic! Like the beans?

Don't be stupid. It's my hair, Fran.

All this time hasn't passed in vain.

After much thought, I discovered
we were missing a piece of the puzzle.

We had to tie you up.

Tie me up?

Okay, Eddie. And what do I have to do?

I'll show you what you have to do.

You must go back to where we were
and tie this around you.

Go into the toilet, and I'll hold onto you
from the other side.

But, Fran, remember,
the rope means the time tunnel

will remain open
and you have to be careful!

Am I so dumb you had to build a model?

Magic like the beans?

- Goodbye, Eddie.
- Goodbye, friend.

Goodbye, Eddie.

Fran...

Don't let this happen.

Wilson. Did you see?

That was my friend, Fran.

So the black guy's a poof?

Amazing.

That doesn't matter.

Doesn't matter?
I think it matters to his parents.

No, I mean for the story.

The important thing is how it's told.

It's an alternative future,
a kind of flash-forward.

They do a flashback of a character
who is in that alternative future.

Alternative future?

Yes, something that could happen.

Ah, right, but things either happen
or they don't, JJ.

Like if I serve you another drink,
and you drink it,

but then say I never served it?

Alternative future. Alternative my ass!
I served you the drink!

What really bothers me is how they stuck
a short film in the middle of it all.

With sponsors and everything.

All that modern stuff, putting characters
in the movie to explain what's going on.

- Pour me another one.
- Yes, but it's all rubbish!

Too many drugs, that's what it is, JJ!

So tell me, I'm hooked now.
What happens next?

One of them says,
"Man, I'm moving through the movie!"

All I can make out of this
is that it must be a war movie.

Because I'm completely lost.

So what happens now?

They go back into the toilet,
travel back in time, and get the suitcase

to get back to the present
and give it to the buyer?

I would think so.

You think so? Do they manage then?

Well, in the end...
Don't expect much more from the plot.

Why did they make the movie then?

Sometimes it's just interesting
to play with the form

and not the content,
which is what really matters.

You have to justify the funding.

Don't get all Garci on me.

Paco, I understand you might play
with the form sometimes,

but a short film within a movie
is too much.

That's like someone asking me
for a sandwich.

They say, "Paco, get me a sandwich,"
but don't ask for the filling.

I'll give him the bread
because a sandwich is bread,

but what he should really ask for
is the filling.

That's no way to ask
for a sandwich now, is it?

That's right, Paco,
that's what's missing here, the filling!

- This is a joke!
- We just want some damn filling!

I don't even know
what we were talking about now.

But I do want to know
what happened to the guys.

Ultimately, Paco, it's all about form.

Fuck form and shapes! What happens?

Okay, Paco, calm down. Looks like
I'm going to have to do my job then.

Another drink, please.

I'll tell you how it ends,
but don't say I didn't warn you.

It's empty, you drink too much.

Let's see. Where was I?

The black guy was a bit pink.

Where was I? Ah yes, I remember.

Fran had just gone back into the toilet.

No, no Paco, Fran went into the toilet.

You're back?

Eddie, you have hair!

I have hair, a face and a cock.
What the fuck's that? Where's the case?

Well, I didn't end up where I wanted to.

- So where have you been?
- I've been with you.

Well, not you.

No, no, don't start
with that shit again, brother!

I've been with Andy.

Yeah, I've been talking to Warhol,
that's it.

What for?

Because I needed to. He had to tell me
what to do, just to make sure.

We know what we have to do.
We have to go back and get the suitcase.

- No, we needed this!
- A rope?

Yes, we didn't know
there's a trick to this!

A trick? A motherfucking trick.

You can't abuse time,
especially not in a toilet.

Why did I trust you?

You always fuck up. Always!

You even fucked up the car and
we can't get out of here. Don't you see?

I swear, Andy talked to me!

He said you have to tie me to this rope
so you can pull me back from the toilet.

That's enough, Fran!

This isn't funny anymore!
You can't see Andy Warhol!

But I do.

He's a fraud!

He's an artist!

- Okay, dickwad, what's he done?
- What's he done?

A bunch of things. He never stops.

- He painted those Campbell soup tins.
- See? A fraud!

- He's famous!
- There are lots of famous frauds!

Oh, come on!

What about the guys
who painted the other soup tins?

They don't speak to you
because they aren't famous?

- How's that work, you white smartass?
- You're just jealous!

Of who? Andy Warhol?

Yeah! Because he's white.

Really white!
He's consistent with his colour!

Your problem is you're black
but also white. You don't know yourself!

- You asshole.
- I'm doing this for you, asshole.

- Fran...
- You're going to be trapped here!

You killed the hairdresser,
then made models and played with dolls!

All I'm asking for
is a bit of trust, Eddie!

Just trust me!

Trust, eh? Trust.

And a kiss on the forehead
in case something goes wrong?

Well, I'm gonna show you my black cock.
My big black African cock.

You hold it so you don't get lost,
Little Red Riding Hood.

So, come on, Alice, get inside that mirror
and bring back that suitcase

or I'll push you myself.

You know something?

Brother...

You're right.

It wasn't Andy Warhol.

It was you that told me all of this.

Yeah, I saw you, in the future.

Alone. Locked up in this hair salon.

You gave me this rope,
which, by the way, is your hair.

- My hair?
- Yeah, your hair.

And you begged me
not to let any of this happen.

That's what I'm trying to do.

Maybe Andy Warhol
is my excuse for everything.

But at least I have something.

I believe in something.

I've never been lucky, Eddie,
with anything.

My whole life.

Maybe I deserve it.
I'm a bad motherfucker, you know that.

But I don't know...

I still haven't lost faith
in something good happening to me.

To both of us.

We're failures, Eddie.

The only thing that can save us
is believing we can do it.

That we can get that suitcase back.

That just like Andy, we can succeed.

Despite having no talent whatsoever.

That suitcase is our last chance.

You said it yourself.

And I trust you.

I'm going to try it.

Let me.

Just because I don't understand you,
doesn't mean I don't care.

Ready?

Steady.

Sure, you're ready.

I can see it! No, not yet!

- No, don't pull yet!
- Did you see it?

- Yes, but don't pull until I say!
- Okay!

I can see it, I can see it.
Just a bit further!

I have it! Goodbye, Eddie!
Pull, pull, pull!

Fran! I can't hold it!

The buyer's here!

Fran! Hold on!

Like rabbits in a lab...

Something is not clear.

Help him, glass eyes!

It's very weird and we're gonna find out.

I'm Eddie, a badass,
and no-one touches my hair.

No-one, even if he has my hair,
my face and...

Don't you feel like we're being watched?

I'm not going crazy.

It's the end.

If you ever touch my hair again,
you're dead!

And that's that.

Really?

- No way!
- Yup!

But it can't end like that.

How do you think I felt?

So the movie doesn't end
because they destroy it.

Yes, it has no end.

- It has no end?
- Yes. It's never-ending.

But people won't understand it, JJ.
Does it even say "to be continued"?

No, no, nothing.
And as far as I know, there's no sequel.

What a waste of time and effort.

I'll tell you something!

If I had any legs,
I'd finish that damn movie myself.

What are you going to finish, little man?
You're all mouth and no legs.

That's what I'll call you from now on.
Another round, "all-mouth-and-no-legs".

Sure, you laugh,
but these things aren't funny.

I hate it when they cut things short.

Just like they did to me.

When I lost my legs, I wanted
everything cut down, just like I was.

I isolated myself from the world.
That's not how you live, it's how you die.

- You know, Paco?
- What?

I'm going to finish it for you.

What? But how can you?

- Paco.
- What?

- I'm going to do it!
- Come on, then!

Well, Eddie.

We got the coke back at last.

It would seem so, Fran.

So now what?

We wait for the buyer to turn up!

By the way, what's the buyer's name?

It's a guy called...

called...

Godot!

- No fucking way!
- Yes!

- Isn't that the guy that never arrives?
- That's what they say.

And what do we do if he doesn't show?

If he doesn't show...

we snort it all!

And...

And...

And that's it.

Shit, emotional endings make me cry.

This man is not a critic.
You're a big softie.

You see?

How it ends isn't important.

How that movie ends?
It doesn't matter to me really.

Well, I guess it does to you.

But for someone to make metafiction
because he saw I was sad...

He made metafiction just for me,
it's awesome!

I'm just rambling now, so...
I'm going to close up.

You know what?
This is my favourite time of the day.

When it's just me in the bar,
after a long day's work,

I think about my patrons.

My regular drunk.

The whore

who always steals the sandwich
I leave out for her on purpose.

You're probably thinking, what a bar!
All this rabble and a legless bartender.

No legs? They'll grow!

It doesn't matter, I have other things.

A lovely smile,
my mother always told me so.

I don't know.

You have to be happy with what you have,

or at least remember that
from time to time.

Granted,

I don't skip through life
shouting about how wonderful it is.

But I'm alright.

Like that movie with no ending.
Who cares?

Think about it. This story has no loose
ends because it doesn't have an end.

You can either love it or hate it.

The glass might be half full
or basically empty.

No, that wasn't it.

The glass might be basically full
or half empty...

No, that wasn't it either.

Damn, I don't know
what I'm saying anymore.

JJ, how did it go?

Half empty so you can refill it for me.

And half full so I can drink it again.

Half full or half empty,
the next one's on me.

Let's toast to our friends at this
special little moment that's fading away.

Ladies, gentleman, here's to you!

And to having a good time!

BASED ON THE PLAY
"THE COOLEST HAIR"

TO OUR PARENTS

Before we begin, we would like to warn you
the images you are about to see

make no sense at all.

Don't panic. Don't panic.

Don't panic.

Do not panic.