All language subtitles for The.Change.Up.2011.UNRATED.720p.BluRay.x264.YIFY.CHI

(BABY WAILING)

Your turn.

(GRUNTS)
Oh, fuck.

(GROANS)

(EXHALES FORCEFULLY)

Okay, I'm awake.

Good morning.

You guys are up
a little early today, huh.

Did we have some
nightmares or something?

(CRYING)

Let's see what
you made for daddy.

Let's see.

(GROANS)

I wouldn't like to sleep
with that in my pants, either.

But it did happen
once in college.

(LAUGHING)

Can you leave that
bottle alone, honey?

Can you put it down?

Honey... Sarah...

No, no! Sweetheart!

Damn.

I know. I'll have you back in your
warm little bed in one second.

Here you go.
Back to bed, sweetheart.

You got a fresh,
dry diapy.

Peter...

Peter, please!

Buddy, we talked
about the head thing.

Let me get you
all hooked up.

Hang on, don't fall.

(GRUNTING)

(FARTING)

Oh, no.

Peter... Oh.

(LAUGHING)

(GRUNTS)

Okay. A little
something for daddy.

(LAUGHTER ON TV)

(BABIES WHIMPERING)

(COMMENTARY ON TV)

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

WOMAN: Steel, Kuhbach, McCloud Law Firm.
Good morning.

Good morning, Lockwood.

Good morning, Mr. Steel.

Thank you.

How are the kids?

Oh, they're terrific.
Just terrific.

Children are such a joy.

Yes, absolutely.
Always.

Any word on
the Amalgamated merger?

That's all but signed.

And just in time for your
partner review, no less.

Really? Oh,
I hadn't noticed.

I look forward to having
your antic sense of humor

in the partner suite,
Lockwood.

It can get
a touch dry up there.

Thank you so much.
Hmm.

But a Double Windsor?

Come on, son.
This is not the dog track.

No. Yes.

Yeah.

Absolutely not.
Thank you.

Hi.

(IMITATING STEEL) Seriously,
Dave, this isn't the dog track.

Yeah.
Good morning, Sabrina.

Last week he told me my shoes
were dangerously Italian.

(LAUGHS)
what?

My turn with
the Amalgamated files?

Yeah, I adjusted the WACC to reflect
the new monthly projections,

and I pre-negotiated
articles 23 through 29.

Okay.

I like the way you had
it before, by the way.

Yeah. Thank you.

(EXHALES FORCEFULLY)

Good morning, Patricia.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

MITCH: Penis, shit,
vagina, cock, wolf pussies.

Mitch. I'm at work.

- (LAUGHS) Did I get you?
- Yeah. You sure did.

- You got me on speakerphone?
- Yep.

Did the secretary hear?

Yes, the secretary heard.
She heard it all.

(LAUGHS)
That's awesome.

Not really.
How stoned are you right now?

I've taken some weed.

- Have you?
- Mmm-hmm.

- Do you know what time it is?
- Mmm-mmm.

It's like 9:00.

Holy fuck-knuckles.

Guess what I'm looking at right now.
A bong?

No, I found a futon on
the street last night.

I sort of had to fight a bum for it.
He was so thin.

And it also came with this
vintage Navajo pony blanket...

So I think that's
pretty much a win for me.

Mitch, you know the adults are
about to fire up a work day.

- I know, I just miss you, dude, that's all.
- I miss you, too.

We've been super best
buddies since third grade.

I haven't seen you
in forever.

Oh, I've been swamped.

We're sleep-training
the twins,

and I just haven't
had a moment to breathe.

I'm sorry, man.
I'm just super-excited to see you.

We are still on
for tonight, right?

- David?
- Yep.

(STAMMERING) Yeah, yeah, yeah.
For the thingy.

Braves-Marlins.
Please don't tell me that you forgot.

Didn't forget.

What time are you
going to pick me up?

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Don't you bail on me, David.

I am not going to bail.

If you bail on me, I'm going
to literally eye-rape you.

I got it.

I will actually place myself
inside your ocular... Oh!

It's my dad.

Mitch Planko, Sr.
Making a rare appearance.

This guy fucking hates me.

(WHISPERING) I'll pick you up at 6:00.
Got it.

Kirk out.

Dad.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I just came
by to tell you

how incredibly proud
of you I am, son.

I'm pretty baked
right now,

but I think you're
being sarcastic.

Right?

No, dropping out
of high school

to be an actor was
a great decision.

I saw you in that commercial
for meat, incidentally.

That was the most brilliant portrayal
of baloney I have ever seen.

Why are you here?

Just came by to see if you'd
like to have some breakfast.

I can't. I got a super-duper important
conference call in 10 minutes.

- You don't have a job.
- You don't have any hair.

Right.

Well, then I'll just
say it here.

I'm getting married again,

and I'd like you to
come to the wedding.

- When's the wedding?
- Next Saturday.

My betrothed, Pamela,
would like you

to be there to
say a few words.

I'll catch the next one.

Yeah, right. Okay, well,
then I'd better get home

and boil my shoes.

- Great visiting.
- You, too.

Good.

(SIGHS)

DAVE:
And the baby-eating monster

rises from the deep!
(ROARS)

(BABIES SQUEALING)

Hey, Daddy, which one
do you like better?

The southern monarch or
the many-spotted skipperling?

I am a many-spotted
skipperling man, all the way.

The monarch is just a glorified
moth, don't you think?

Yes. I tend to agree.

- Hi, Mom!
- Hi!

What a bad,
bad day.

Hi.

The zoning board shut us
down for the millionth time.

Dr. Klein lost the twins'
immunization records.

And Cara got bullied
in ballet class again.

Did you tell Daddy?

Nicolette Peters keeps knocking me
over during the battement glissé.

Oh, I'm sorry, sugarbug.
Are you okay?

JAMIE: We just need to keep
striving for verbal resolution.

Yeah, yeah.
Verbal resolution, sweetheart.

So where do you want
to do this tonight?

Do what?

Dialogue Night.

Oh, my God.

Honey...

Don't even say that.

I'm so sorry. I suck.

Dr. Tillman said just once
a week, for one hour.

I'm sorry.

That was three months ago.

I know. I heard her.

And I want to sit and
talk with you for an hour

more than once a week,
but tonight, I cannot.

Why? What are you doing?

I promised Mitch
I would sit and watch

a game with him
tonight, and...

What?

Can we please just slide
the Dialogue Night again?

I'm so sorry.

I can do Monday night.

Thank you.

(DOORBELL RINGS)
He's early.

Yeah, you'd be early, too,

if all you did all day
was eat hummus and masturbate.

What's hummus?

That is a Mediterranean
spread, honey.

What's master-ate?

It's a cracker.

Oh, hey, Mitch.
Your hair looks good.

Thanks.

Yeah, I had to cut it for a
fucking tampon commercial.

CARA: Uncle Mitch!
(GASPS)

How's my favorite
ballerina doing?

- Hi, Uncle Mitch.
- Hi! Wow!

Gosh, you're so light.
Are you dieting?

Do you want to come
to my dance recital?

Oh!

No, honey.

The only style of dancing
that Uncle Mitch likes

involves a big, shiny pole, and a
broken woman with daddy issues.

(GROANS)

Yeah, story time is over.

Go fix your hair.

Ow.

Mmm, smells good
in here, Jame.

Mmm.

Ooh! Num-nums!

Vegetable medley!

- How are you?
- Good.

- You're good?
- Yeah.

Are you dating anyone?

- Ooh! You know who I ran into?
- Who?

Mrs. Hickham at a
Starbucks in Druid Hills.

- Our social studies teacher?
- Yeah.

I asked her out and she
wouldn't go out with me,

which is crazy, because I
nailed her in high school.

You did?

I dated her mouth for
a full semester.

(LAUGHING) Okay.
Bathed, diapered, and in the PJs.

Is Dave meeting
your needs, sexually?

- Yeah, I guess.
- MITCH: Good.

Not really, mmm-mmm.
Ahh.

I would like to strap you to
my face and say the alphabet.

That's going too far.

Oh!

Look at these
little fuckers!

What's your name? Hey.

What's your name?
What's your name?

Why can't they talk yet?
Are they retarded or something?

Don't say...
You can't say that.

Well, this one right here
looks a little Downsy.

- Or that.
- MITCH: I'm kidding.

- A little bit, though?
- No.

DAVE: Pumpkin, we'll see you
right after the game, okay?

JAMIE:
Have fun.

I like it. Oh, God.
(CRYING)

- Let's go.
- Okay. Bye.

(BOTH BABIES CRYING)
(SIGHS)

MITCH:
Mitch and Dave.

DAVE: Mitch and Dave,
out on the town.

Oh, dude,
I didn't tell you!

I booked a major
movie role this week.

I auditioned for
a movie role, I got it.

- Yeah, first one.
- Hey, good for you. What is it called?

Untitled Awesome Movie.

Truly? That's the name?

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Good for you.

- Do you want to hotbox this nut sack?
- No, no.

- I've got a big day tomorrow.
- Take the wheel. Steer. Steering wheel.

Oh, steer for me.

Mitch, come on, buddy.

Let's make it to the game in
one piece, don't you think?

Want to try that?
This Fiero, unfortunately, is airbag-free.

It's a work
day tomorrow.

- Come on.
- All right, I'll take one hit.

Oh! What the...
You motherfucker!

Let's just focus
on the driving.

Just say no, Reagan.
God, why would you do that?

Well, we're driving.
God!

This is a car carrying a lot of speed.
This is terrible.

Hit the steering wheel.
I'm going again!

(ALL CHEERING)

Whoo! Drink!

I'll drink to that. All right!
That was a strikeout.

Huh, what's going on?
It is good to see you again.

It's good to see you,
too, Dave.

What's going on
with the women, huh?

I've been seeing a number
of very, very nice ladies.

- I got some pictures.
- Wow.

That is Tatiana.

Tatiana.

What's her last name?

It's Tatiana Calls-me-at-three-in-the-morning-
and-wants-to-fuck-stein.

Who gives a shit what her last name is?
(LAUGHS)

Mitch. Reminds me
a little bit of Sabrina.

Yeah! Wait,
who's Sabrina?

Sabrina. She's this...
(EXHALES FORCEFULLY)

She's this new law
associate at my work.

She's so hot.
Oh, Mitch, is she hot. Uh-oh.

She's like fall-out-of-a-magazine
hot, you know?

I bet she's number one
on your cancer list, right?

What is that?

- Come on, you know what that is.
- What is that?

Every married guy
has a cancer list.

It's the first three women
you'd have sex with

if your wife suddenly
died of cancer.

That's fucking sick.

Come on.
That's the mother of my children.

Oh, I know.

But I'll play.
Yes, she'd be at the top of that list.

- It's like a gift.
- Yeah.

(LAUGHS) But I interrupted you.
Tell me about this one again.

God, last week,
Tatiana, she comes over,

she's wearing this
tight black mini-dress,

and you know
what she says to me?

Tell me slow.
No, nothing.

Because all Tatiana wants to
do at 3:00 in the morning

is fucky, fucky,
rubber ducky.

This chick is insatiable!

She wants it in every
position under the sun.

God, you're so lucky.

We do the Wheelbarrow,
the Arabian Goggles,

the Lonesome Dove,
the Arsenio Hall,

the Jelly Donut, the Pastrami
Sandwich, the Wolfgang Puck...

And let me tell you something,
no man is that hungry.

What? I don't even
know what these are.

- You're married. You're married, Dave.
- That's true.

Anyway,
we start going at it

and it gets so intense
that my nose starts bleeding.

Come on.

This is Dracula,
Anne Rice-type shit

happening right
in front of me.

Good for you.

When all is said and done, when we
finish up, and the dust settles,

she looks up at me,
and she says,

"Mitchell, next Tuesday,
I am coming back here,"

"and we're
really going to fuck."

Yes!

Yes! Tatiana.

Fuck. Mitch, Mitch, Mitch.

You're just...

How did I miss this?

I missed all the sex and the
drugs and the bad choices,

and I just fucking rushed it, didn't I?
Wasn't I rushing?

You were busy.

Rushing to get into
a good college, right?

And then into
a good law school.

Once I got into
a good law school,

I just wanted to get
into a good law firm.

I met Jamie, we got married,
we had Cara, and that was it.

I pissed away my 20s, right?
Now it's too late.

Look, shitbird.
You got it made!

You have an
extremely hot wife,

and you got
a beautiful house

that's full of furniture
and food and kids.

And you make
a ton of money.

And you come home
at the end of the day

and you're surrounded by people
who give a shit about you.

You're never lonely.

What more do you want?

I'll tell you
what I want, okay?

I want something
different.

I want your life,
you know?

I want Sabrina.
I want Tatiana.

And sex with strange,
new women.

You're living the dream.

How much fun is it being an
actor, working one week a year?

I want to smoke
weed all day.

I want to start a book
that I actually finish.

I would like to take
a nice, solid dump

because I'm not
constantly stressed out.

I want to learn
how to rollerblade.

And I'd like
to take a piss.

Me, too.
Fountain, fountain, fountain.

Perfect.

Whoo!

MITCH: This chick does
not look happy.

I was just saying that
I really envy your life.

- That's all.
- I envy yours.

No, you don't. You're
just trying to be nice.

I'm not.
I do, I envy it.

No. I envy yours.

BOTH:
I wish I had your life.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

it's rolling
blackouts or something?

Yeah, I guess.

Look at your flow,
it's so nice and thick.

It's confident.

Yours is very steamy.
Thanks.

My urologist says
I run a little hot.

- Good to go?
- Oh, yeah.

- Can you drive?
- Oh, yeah!

(BABIES WAILING)

Holy fuck-knuckles!

Where is my bong?

Whose fucking kid is that?

What is with all
these goddamn pillows?

(SCREAMS)
Jamie! Jesus!

What?
That's fucking disgusting!

Put those tits away,
this isn't Africa!

What am I doing in this bed?
Did I sleep here last night?

Did I fucking nail you?

Are you still drunk?

Dave!

Where is Lockwood?

What the fuck?

Oh, my God.

I'm Dave?

Oh, my God!

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

MITCH: Open the goddamn
door, Dave.

(SNORING)

Come on, open up the
door, right now.

Fuck.

MITCH: Come on, buddy,
open up the door immediately.

Let's do it.

(GROANS)

Dave, come on.
Open up the door, right now!

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

- Okay, I'm awake.
- MITCH: Open up this fucking door!

(EXCLAIMS)

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)

MITCH: Open the goddamn
door, Dave!

Mitch?

Why am I in your apartment?

MITCH: Dave, hurry up,
open up the door!

(EXCLAIMS)

MITCH: Something very bad has happened.
Wait until you see me.

- Wait until you see you!
- Jesus Christ, relax.

MITCH: Super freaky, dude.
Let's do it!

Oh.

What the hell is this?

I knew it.
Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ,
what the fuck is this?

Look at this.

Yeah, it's you.

And this is all me.
All of this shit is mine.

You're welcome.

I got this.
(GRUNTS)

What are you doing to me?

(STRUGGLES) Hey, stop it.
I'm so strong.

(SHUSHING)
You're choking yourself!

Must wake up.

Wake up!

I can't breathe.
Take my hands off you.

- Wake up!
- Get the fuck off me!

(EXCLAIMING)

Okay, okay, okay!

(PANTING) Go look
in the mirror. Right there!

All right?

(GROANING)
I'm a douche bag.

I'm a fucking tool!

Oh! What did you do?

What did I do?
You think I want to be you?

Who said I wanted
to be you?

Holy shit, we did.

We wished for
each other's lives

when we were pissing in that
fucking fountain last night.

We wished we had
each other's lives.

I was just trying
to be nice!

Oh, my God!

(HORN BLARING)
MITCH: I know a shortcut to the fountain.

Go this way.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Careful! Easy.

I got it.
I got it.

(HORNS BLARING)

DAVE: What are we going to do
when we get to the fountain?

We're going to take
a piss in it, or...

I don't give a shit.
We're gonna get our lives back.

You've got
to be kidding me.

Hey, where is
the fountain?

It is getting restored.

- What are you talking about, restored?
- Where did you take it?

I don't know, guy,
I just fill the hole.

I'm not the
fountain spokesman.

Hey, motherfucker...
(EXCLAIMS)

Whoa, whoa, who could
tell us where it is?

Maybe ask the
district manager.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Nope. It is not
in the computer.

Okay, when will it
be in the computer?

Maybe tomorrow.
That's when Victor gets back.

It's not in the computer,
it's not in the park.

Who is Victor?

The guy that knows how to
find shit in the computer.

How can you lose
a fountain?

- This is a big deal to us, okay?
- I mean, it's a fountain!

- Can you look a little bit harder?
- That's incredible!

It is not
in the computer.

Yeah, but your attitude
is right on your shoulders.

No, no, no!

There was no
physical contact.

We're okay. We're fine.
We're fine.

I have the biggest meeting in my life
in 45 minutes. This isn't happening.

Did you have something
you wanted to do today?

I've got day one of
my big break movie.

If I don't make this meeting,
I don't make partner,

and the last 15 years of my life,
everything I've done, wasted!

All right, fine,
I'll do it.

I've got it.
I'll do it.

- I got you.
- Do what?

I'm an actor.
Human chameleon.

I can do lawyer in my fucking sleep.
Give me the keys.

Oh, you'll play me
in one of your productions?

- Yeah, give me the keys.
- Okay, no.

- Why?
- Because you're...

Careful.

Because there's more to being a lawyer
than what you see on TV, Mitch.

- Is there?
- Yeah.

- I object!
- Oh, my God.

- Okay?
- No!

Wrong, my friend. You don't know the
first thing about being a lawyer.

You're not
a trained actor.

Neither are you.

Save it, all right, Dave?

It's one day.
We're Mitch and Dave!

We can do one day of anything.
Give me the keys.

Let's go.
Do you have a better plan?

Shit. Okay. All right.

- You've got 41 minutes, okay?
- Great!

Go to my house, get
dressed in my clothes.

Then you go to my office, find
my legal associate, Sabrina.

Get the merger
documents from her,

take them to
the conference room, and...

Oh, God, the partners
are going to be there.

Listen, do not say
a single word.

What if somebody
asks me a question?

They're not going to
ask you a damn thing.

Once the meeting starts, you
will continue to say nothing.

When a partner asks you
for the merger documents,

you will then
silently hand them over.

I get it. Play it big,
but maintain my reality.

- It's pretty simple.
- No! You play it small.

I have spent
the last nine months

banging out
the terms of this deal.

The only thing you have to do is
hand over the documents, that's it.

Dude, easy as fuck.

You can't say things like
that in the meeting, Mitch.

True. Good note.

For me, you go to my house, okay?
All my info is on my fridge.

When you get to the set,
you go to hair and makeup,

and you learn your lines.

Most of all, do not fuck
this up for me, all right?

This is my big break, my Raging Bull.
Do you hear me?

You respect my art,
you respect my life.

You respect mine.

Yeah, I got you. Power hug.
Come on. Yeah, okay.

(EXCLAIMS) Hold on.
You got to pick up Cara.

Pick up Cara from
ballet at 4:00, okay?

I am fucking all
over that shit.

Holy shit.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Early morning on the
golf course, Lockwood?

Ha-ha! Terrific!

Num-nums!

(LAUGHS)
Fucking score!

Fucking grocery store.

Look at all of this
for little Mitchie-poo.

Nice!

Oh, there you are.

I redid the 10-19 variants,
everything else is the same. Ready?

Oh, you must
be Sabrina, huh?

You must be Dave.

Are we role-playing or something?
Because we're late.

He didn't tell me you were
a big, fat, fucking boner.

Sorry. That was unprofessional.
Wasn't it?

Dave have a mimosa for breakfast?
A little nervous?

That was a joke. Hey...

I've got one really important
question before we go.

All this food here,
is it free?

You got this.

Yeah, I got it.

I got it. Okay.
(LAUGHS)

Let's do this.

All right.
You remember though?

Oh, right.
It's down there. Got it.

(PEOPLE TALKING)

- Lockwood.
- Yep.

Perhaps you would like to sit
on our side of the table.

Thanks.

FLEMMING: Now, before we
formalize this merger,

are there any outstanding
questions we might address?

Our back-of-the-envelope
analysis.

(CHAIR CLICKING LOUDLY) shows your
P&L to be 2% less than expected

as per the MAC clause.

Can I get confirmation
that the EBITDA

still aligns
with comfortable...

Dave?

- Dave!
- Yes. Dave is here.

Hey, man.

Hey.

Oh, I've got your thing.

Boom!

No, Dave, uh...

Mr. Kinkabe had a question
about the EBITDA.

Okay.

Uh, how is it?

Good.

Good?

What am I saying?

EBITDA is bad.

Fucking terrible.

(ALL MURMURING)

Are you saying the premium
needs to be adjusted?

I didn't say that.

Did you hear
me say it? Nope.

What about our WACC?

- Huh?
- What PPS multiple are you using?

- What's that?
- Is the financing still stable?

Hang on, guys.

Fucking 25 guys on this side.
Can you fire at somebody else?

Can anybody else
field the fucking question?

- Dave?
- Yep.

It's your job
to know this.

Yeah, and I know that.

You know, we're...
Everything is...

Here is the deal.

We are very rich.

(IMITATING ASIAN ACCENT)
Everybody rich!

So let's sign this.

What's the worst
that can happen? Right?

We will just
roll this party out

to some sushi and
some sake bombs.

Moustache is buying.
And then a little karaoke for dessert?

What have we
got to lose?

Let's bones that.
Huh, 'stache?

KINKABE:
Is this some kind of joke?

Are you trying to
poison the well?

You are the one on a fishing
expedition, Kinkabe.

You were never serious
about this merger.

KINKABE:
Me?

This moron works for you.
You are the one sabotaging it.

Fuck you with that...
"Moron" is a bad word here.

This merger is over.

You have just made the biggest
mistake of your career, mister.

- I will see you in court.
- No, no.

What a bunch
of bullshit!

Hang on.
Don't get up.

Is this a break?
Taking a break?

Quick fiver?

(EXCLAIMING)

What the hell
was that?

Relax. This is good.

Look at how
great this is.

It's all part of my
secret master plan.

- It is?
- You bet.

You are hurting my
arm a little bit.

This deal is critical to the
very survival of this firm.

- Is that clear?
- I got it.

I know what I'm doing.
I've been doing it for...

How long have I
been doing it here, huh?

How long have I worked here?
You know that.

(EXHALES)
I don't know.

- Nine years, 10.
- Yeah.

Yeah. Perfect.
Exactly 10 years, that's exactly right.

And have I ever
steered you wrong?

No.

Trust me, bro.

Bro?

Fine.

But from here on out, you are
on an extremely short leash!

Understand?

Now, go.
Put on some proper clothes.

You look like a Jew.

Oh.

DAVE: Excuse me, hello.
Where do the movie stars park?

- Hello, there.
- Hey, man. What's up?

Where the fuck is
hair and makeup?

Mitch Planko.
Fuck me.

Right there.

Fuck me.

Oh, look at that.
That looks like fun.

Ready for you on set.

Anything I can get you?
Vitamin water or Pellegrino?

No, thank you.
I just have a quick question.

What does that mean,
there, "TS?"

Titty shot.

And, "BTS,"
right there?

- Bouncing titty shot.
- Bouncing titty shot.

Steve Driver,
coming to the set.

I'm just curious, what
kind of movie is this?

It's a lorno.

I'm not familiar with that genre.
Is that European?

Lorno, "Light porno."
Tits and shadows.

You ever hear
of Skinemax?

Oh, no.

Come on, big guy.

(WITH ACCENT) No, no, no.
More oil.

Make him shiny
like fish.

Are you the one
in charge here?

Mitch, I'm Valtan,
the director.

Oh, good. There's been
some kind of mistake...

Mona!

- Where the fuck is...
- I'm here!

Hey!

Here's the scene, okay?
You going to enter with a gun...

Where the gun?

Mitch, you going to come in.
Guard going to try to stop you.

Line, line, line.
You knock him the fuck out, okay?

You see Mona.
She lying there in the bed.

Then we bounce titty,
bounce titty, bounce titty,

slow mo, bouncy titty,
licky tip of nipple,

regular speed,
bouncy titty,

slap the ass, slap the
ass, slap the ass,

and a wind come in, blow out a candle.
Finite. What do you think?

Oh, it's like a poem!
It's like a poem!

Mitch is gonna be great
in our movie film.

- Lock it up!
- MAN 1: Locking it up.

- Have a good scene.
- Places, everyone.

MAN 1: Quiet on the set. This is heavy.
Do you want to take...

The camera is rolling.

- Question.
- VALTAN: And action!

Hey.

Action!

No entry!

MAN 2: (WHISPERING)
Mitch, here.

If you let...

If you let me don't in,
Taco, I will fuck you dead.

That can't be right.

All right, come on!
Just knock him the fuck out, go inside.

- Keep rolling!
- MAN 1: Still rolling.

VALTAN:
Action!

(GRUNTING)

Come on.
I barely hit him.

All right, we fix it in post.
Just keep rolling, keep rolling.

MAN 1:
Keep rolling!

Lola, wake up surprise.

(SCREAMING)

Holy shit!

Steve Driver,
you perfect bastard, you.

VALTAN:
Rip it off.

(MOANING)

(EXCLAIMS)

God!

Oh, yeah, eat that titty, boy.
Eat that titty.

(PURRING) Yeah, yeah!
Eat that titty.

Oh, Shit.

VALTAN: Like Cheerio,
boy. Delish!

(MOANING) Yeah!
Breakfast champion, boys.

Mount for sex time.

Go! On bed.

Give it to me, Steve!

VALTAN: Come on!
Okay, okay, okay.

(PURRING)
VALTAN: Yeah!

Pump that ass, boy.

Go, boy!
(GROANS)

Loosen hips,
loosen hips.

(MOANING) VALTAN: Go!
Deep thrusting!

VALTAN:
Yeah!

Put your thumb
up her butt.

What?

Stick your thumb
up her butthole.

I promise you,
it's nice, clean.

You eat cake off
lady's Starfish, okay?

Ahhh...

No.

(PURRING)

I have killed people.

Mostly men.

I'm not allowed
back in Eastern Bloc.

Now, you put your thumb
up nice lady's butthole,

or else, maybe you have
an accident on set.

Maybe light fall on your head,
maybe you get electrocute.

Maybe goat fuck your mouth.
I don't know.

Movie set be very
dangerous place.

Mmm-hmm.

- Okay.
- And have fun with it.

- Okay.
- Keep rolling, keep rolling.

I'm going to hell.

(SQUELCHING)
(MONA EXCLAIMS)

Oh, Steve!

It's like Christmas
in my ass!

VALTAN: Moving it around!
Moving it around! (MOANING)

Like iPhone.

Yeah.

Hey, purchase
some apps!

Buy Angry Birds!

And enter Dimitri.

Dimitri?

Hi, Dimitri.

What are you doing
with my wife, man?

VALTAN: Thrust!
Don't improvise, okay?

Keep thrusting,
keep thrusting.

VALTAN: Pump it.
Oh, hey, hey, hey.

Now kiss that boy.

No, no, no.
I'm good, Dimitri.

You're going
to kiss that boy.

Come on.
(MOANING)

Okay, we're good.
(MOANING LOUDLY)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Tall arms.
Tall arms.

Remember to smile, girls.

Very nice.

Focus.

Arms up. Tall.

Excellent, girls.

Smile. Focus.

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS) Cara, do try
to stay on your toes.

Let's start again.

(MOUTHS)

Shouldn't I be
sitting in my car seat?

No, no. You're good.

Hey, tell me about the big
girl who knocked you over.

That's Nicolette Peters.

She does it
a lot, actually.

She does it a lot?
Why don't you fight back?

Uh, because you
told me not to.

I what?

You said I should strive
for verbal resolution.

Uh, you know,
Daddy sometimes...

How do I...
Here's what you do.

What you do is you fuck
verbal resolution, okay?

You put that whore on her
back, and you shank her.

You know how
to make a shiv?

- What?
- Listen to me.

If somebody comes
at you with a knife,

you put her whole
family in the morgue.

That is jailyard justice.

Because if you don't come
back hard on a bitch,

you're going to
end up getting sold

for a pack of Camel
Lights and a Jell-O cup.

Do you understand
what I'm saying to you?

Always solve your
problems with violence.

Okay, Daddy.

Great.

Want to get
some Pinkberry?

(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey.

BOTH:
Hey, how did it go?

- You shut up!
- What happened?

We'll get into Mr. Thumb's
wild ride in a minute.

First, you're going to tell
me, how did the deal go?

Awesome.
The deal went awesome.

Good. So, it's closed?

Yeah, fucking closed.
Basically closed.

A little bit
of a hiccup, but...

(EXCLAIMS)
What do you mean, a hiccup?

A little bit
of a hiccup.

Your fucking boss is an anti-Semite.
Did you know that?

Oh, my God!
What did you do?

I was playing it nice and cool,
just like we talked about,

and then these goddamn
squids, these Japs,

these fucking Kamikaze
pilots are coming at me,

riddling me with
fucking questions.

I had to do a little improv,
and they got very emotional.

Will you just
tell me how it ended?

- You're going to court.
- No! Fuck! Oh, my God!

Your boss was
a little pissed off.

I told him it was part
of my secret master plan.

No, you didn't!

We'll work on one of those.
You tell me how my shit went.

Oh, your shit?
How'd my stuff go?

Mitch, what the hell
is wrong with you?

It was a porno movie!

It's a lorno,
a light porn.

The dick stays
in the pants, right?

They didn't pull
it out, did they?

But my thumb went in
three girls' assholes.

Oh, fuck, get the sand
out of your vagina.

Did you finish the day?

I finished the day,
Mitchell.

What are you doing?

- I finished the day.
- Good.

You're living the dream.

You're living the fucking dream!
Your job sucks, too.

This isn't going to work.

This is not going to work.
That's way too much.

Hey, man, hang on.
What are you planning on telling her?

I'm telling her the truth.

- The truth?
- Yeah.

That's going to work.

Jamie will know what to do.

Jame. Jame.

Hey, sugarbug.

Hi, Daddy!

Hey!

Hey, my precocious
little daughter.

I don't talk like that.

- You do.
- I really don't. No one does.

Jamie, hey!
Jamie, Jamie, Jamie.

I'm so glad you're here.
It's been so crazy.

Oh, that's appropriate.

- Hey, Mitch.
- Jamie, we need to talk.

Are you going to
stay for dinner?

No, I can't stay for dinner,
but I would love to...

Look, I got to
tell you something.

I can't talk right now, Mitch.
It's been so crazy here.

The twins are a half-hour
past their bedtime.

What are you doing?
What are you, some kind of animal?

And Cara has to
start her homework.

I have an emergency phone
call in four minutes.

You know that building?

- The 11-story building?
- Yup.

I have to remove three stories somehow.
Isn't that crazy?

Yeah.

It's so ridiculous.
It makes no sense at all.

I'm not Mitch.

- What?
- I'm Mitch.

He's Mitch. I'm Mitch.
Somehow we switched bodies.

- And I'm Dave.
- That's Dave. Yeah.

Oh.

What happened was, we pissed
in a magic fountain...

Uh-huh...
and the next day it disappeared.

They moved the fountain,
so now we're looking for it.

And when they find it,
we're going to switch back.

We had to pee
because we were drinking.

We were drinking.

That sounds like a plan.
Can you start the bath for the twins?

Okay, pumpkin, this is...

(EXCLAIMING)
Mitch, no.

Don't call me
pumpkin, okay?

And you promised me that
you would clean out...

Can you shut this off?

It smells like cabbage now!
Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, sit down.

One second.
Just humor me, all right?

I want you to
ask me one thing...

I don't want to
play your games.

...That only Dave
would be able to answer.

Just one question.
Please, I'm begging you.

Good idea.

Okay, when is
our anniversary, Dave?

April 17th.
Next question, please.

Wrong.

So close. Nineteenth.

Seventeenth's your daughter's
birthday, 19th's your anniversary.

- DAVE: Why do you know that?
- MITCH: Do you think I'm a monster?

- I send you a card every year.
- Jamie, listen to me.

Ask me anything else.

Oh, my gosh!
Mitch,

I don't have
time for this!

Come on, one more.
Just make it tough.

Only Dave would know.
A stumper.

Fine. What is my
favorite color, Dave?

- Red.
- Celadon.

Do you not understand what we're
trying to accomplish here?

Not a drop of
the red in the room.

All the accents
are celadon.

It's like
the opposite of help.

Okay, honey, I got it.

I'm going to
tell you something

that only I, Dave,
would know.

Three years ago,
you took your vibrator...

(WHISPERING) You took your vibrator...
Morning!

...Into the bathtub
and it short-circuited

and it electrocuted
your vagina.

Hang on.

And there's now the cutest
little bald spot right there.

(LAUGHING)

Yeah.

Hi.

Oh, my God.

I know. It's me.
This hasn't been fun.

Good story.

You son of a bitch!

How dare you
tell him that?

God!
(EXCLAIMS)

What is wrong
with you two?

God damn!

How would you
like it if I told him

that you have a ball
that feels like two balls?

So it's like you
have three balls.

Dave has three balls.
A bouquet of balls.

Bad! Bad!

(BABIES CRYING)

This idea fucking sucked.

Listen, I don't want you
to worry about anything.

I'll be able to
hold down the fort.

We got to find that fountain
as soon as possible.

It's like a can of
tennis balls down here.

The only problem I see is,
what do I tell Jamie?

What do you
tell Jamie, what?

When she wants to
have sex tonight?

Think about that.

You're not having sex
with my wife, Mitch.

Obviously, bro.

But if she comes at
me like a hurricane,

a guy can only
withstand so much.

Mitch.

Dave. We're trying to pull
something off here, okay?

Now, I might have to hit that, okay?
She'll know.

Now, how many times a day
do you guys have sex?

I'll have
to pace it out.

What day is it today?

I don't know.
Is it Tuesday?

Yeah. You know what?
It's a non-issue.

What does that mean?
You guys don't have sex on Tuesdays?

(LAUGHING)

Take the day off?

That's adorable.

Tell you what.

If she comes on
like a hurricane...

Just drill it.

Yeah, what can you do?
You're only human. Give me the keys.

- Smart.
- Yeah.

Okay. Please be
careful with her.

It's like we're
swapping rides.

It's just like that.

Thanks, buddy,
you're being very cool.

(SIGHS)

Dear God.

Oh, my goodness.
Look at this, huh?

Bang. Thank you, Mommy.

Why don't you tell Daddy about
what happened at school today?

I wrote a spring poem

and Miss Byers only put
Angelica's poem up on the wall

and she didn't put my
poem up on the wall.

And why would
she do that?

I thought
she liked me.

- Dave.
- Yeah.

Cara's talking to you.

- What?
- She's talking to you.

Well, Cara, her poem was
probably much better than yours.

- Let's eat.
- Dave.

I didn't read
the bitch's poem,

but maybe she can really turn a phrase.
Let's eat.

Tell Cara that
her poem was good.

You just hurt
her feelings.

I didn't read her poem, either.
Do you want me to lie to her?

Is that what this is?
Fine, I don't care.

Cara, honey, your poem,
which I did not read,

was way, way better
than the other girl's poem,

which I also did not read.

Let's eat.

It's Cara. Not Cara.

It's what?

Are you having a stroke
right now or something?

- What did I call her?
- What about the dinner song, Daddy?

What about the what?

- What's she saying?
- The dinner song.

- What's that?
- The dinner song?

- Are you joking me?
- No, I'm not joking you.

- There's a song?
- Sing the dinner song, honey.

Course, there's a song.
Just sing the dinner song.

I don't feel like
singing it tonight.

No, sing the dinner song.

You sing the dinner song.

Maybe you need to sing the dinner song.
Sing the dinner song.

I'm sick of that song.

Sing the dinner song.
Sing it!

I got it. I heard you.

(SINGING NOTE)

♪ Dinner song. ♪

♪ Dinner song ♪

(BABIES CRYING)

♪ Beans, potatoes, ♪
♪ carrots and broccoli. ♪

♪ Buns and salad ♪
♪ and potatoes and chicken. ♪

♪ Needs a lickin' ♪

Dinner song.

That's so not
the dinner song.

Well, I'm going
to tell you what.

You're going to go ahead
and write me a dinner poem,

and I'll belt that out
after I choke this down.

Let's fucking go.

(GASPS) Okay.
Daddy needs a time-out.

Great idea.

MITCH: (SINGING)
Dinner song.

Bye-bye.

(EXHALES FORCEFULLY)

(MOBILE RINGING)

- Hello.
- Hi, Mitch. It's Tatiana.

Tatiana.
Hi, how are you?

I'll be better in a minute
after I fuck you raw.

Oh.
(DISCONNECTED TONE)

(PHONE DIALING)

- Hello.
- DAVE: Mitch.

That was Tatiana.
She said she's going to fuck me raw.

Tatiana? Shit,
that's right.

That's my Tuesday night
regular, right on schedule.

You fuck that
right for me, Dave.

Took me a long time
to reel this one in.

I don't think
I can do this.

- What the fuck does that...
- Hey, Dave!

Hey, man!

Dad, I smell a skunk.

NO, it's this, kid.

What does that mean, you don't
think you can fuck Tatiana?

Because it...
(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Jesus Christ, she's here.

She's already
knocking on the door.

MITCH: You nail that
right for me, Dave.

It feels kind of like
I'm cheating on Jamie.

Are you fucking
shitting me?

In what world
is this cheating?

Cheating is when
any part of your dick

gets up inside some woman
that's not your wife, okay?

And your dick
is firmly planted

inside these fucking lame,
triple-pleated sports slacks.

But my mind is over here.
That should count for something, right?

God, you big bitch.

How many women have you fucked
in your mind, huh? Thousands?

- Millions, Mitch.
- Was that cheating?

No. It was not
fucking cheating.

I think you're on very firm
legal ground here, counselor.

Your reasoning is
oddly impeccable.

This is what
you wanted, Dave.

Sex with strange,
new women.

You just thank me later and
shut your mouth, all right?

Goodbye. Kirk out.

(BANGING AT DOOR)

(DOORKNOB RATTLING)

I'm going to do this.

Tatiana.

Game on.

I like how you made
me work for it tonight.

What am I? A burglar?

Holy shit.

(CHUCKLES)

Holy shit!

Why the fuck are you
still wearing clothes?

When are you due?

Any minute now,

so let's get our fuck on before
this becomes a threesome.

Oh, that's so gross!

Whoa, stop for a second.
Stop for a second.

(GRUNTS)
You're so heavy!

My tits are aching
for you.

That's probably the Colostrum
coming, and it'll be very painful.

Okay, okay. Just friends.
Just friends.

Okay, what's your
deal tonight?

Nothing.
(STAMMERING)

Is it my new haircut?

No.

The trenchcoat.
Too cliché?

No, it's not
the trenchcoat.

Then what is it?

You seem like
a really nice person,

but were you
pregnant last week?

Are you kidding me?

You picked me up at a single
mothers' Lamaze class.

(GROANS) That's so twisted.
Oh, God.

Wait, wait, Tatiana.
Tatiana. I'm sorry, okay?

You're beautiful.
You're beautiful. (GRUNTING)

You're just...

What? I'm not sexy?

No, no. Hey. Look,
I did not say that, okay?

You are... Oh, my God!
I can see it kicking!

You know what,
Mitch?

Don't ever call me again.

No, hold on.
Wait, Tatiana, don't go.

I mean, go, but just
go to a hospital.

Oh, Mitch.
What are you doing?

Oh, God.

I mean, it is called
a push-up, Dave.

Pathetic.

Oh, God, I'm really
feeling it tonight.

Holy shit.

Game on.

Oh, my God, it's going down.
Oh, Mitch!

I finally get to fuck Jamie.
This is my finest hour.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

I hope she likes it weird.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

God, I am going
to ruin her!

(FARTING AUDIBLY)
Oh!

I need to cool it
on the Thai food.

Oh, my God.

Seriously, dude,
light a candle.

Oh, my God.

(MOANS)

No, no, no. Don't back
that thing up into me.

Go hose it out
or something.

What?

I can't believe you'd
come at me, guns hot.

Guns hot?
(SIGHS)

Are you kidding me?

No, I'm not, lady.
It's not going to happen tonight, okay?

I'm not attracted to you.

Rotate your turret
and go night-night.

(SCOFFS)

(BABY CRYING)

It's your turn.

Hmm?

It's your turn to
feed the babies.

I don't feel like it.

(GROANS)
Come on.

Are you fucking
kidding me right now?

It's 3:00 in the morning.
You go do it, you're the mother.

I'm the mother!
It's 3:00 in the morning!

Get the fuck out of the bed right
now before I fucking cut you!

Jesus! What the fuck?

Unreal. This is just...

Oh, please.

Hey, hey!
What the fuck?

(SARAH WAILING)

(PORNO PLAYING)

(GRUNTING)

Oh, God!
That did not just happen.

What?

Hey. I always thought
your wife was a nice lady,

but she talks
like a dock worker

and she shits
like one, too.

Plus, I used to think your kids
were adorable, but they're not.

They're fucking bananas.

Can I help you?

Here's the deal. I got two screaming...
(DAVE BREATHING HEAVILY)

Hold on. What's with all
the heavy breathing?

Are you jerking off?

(BREATHLESSLY)
No, I'm not.

Yes, yes, yes, I am.

Look, I never get this kind
of privacy any more.

Isn't that kind
of my dick, though?

Is that weird?

You ask yourself that.

It sort of hooks
to the side a bit.

Use your left hand, you get
a little bit more torque.

That's cool.
Thank you, I think.

Question.

How long have you
been shaved down there?

I don't...
Like, sixth grade.

Well, that's disturbing.

Gets me an extra inch,

and only you married dudes
rock the dick-froes.

Now, let me ask
you a question.

If Tatiana was over earlier,

why do you still have
the need to jerk off?

Tatiana. I don't think that she's
going to be back for at least...

She's never
coming back, Mitch.

What did you do?

The woman is nine
months pregnant!

I could see
the baby's face.

I told you not to screw
up my Tuesday night.

Do you have any idea
how many Lamaze classes

I had to sit through
to get that lined up?

Is there a reason that you're
calling me at 3:00 in the morning?

Yeah, the dock worker is making
me feed the twins. What do I do?

- Get them to the kitchen.
- Yup, hold on.

(BABIES CONTINUE WAILING)

Stop crying.
Jesus Christ.

Shut up!
I fucking hear you.

Mitch.

Please. Enough!

You, there. Stay.

Stay.

All right.
In the kitchen.

- Go to the fridge.
- Okay.

Oh.

Mitch. Are you there yet?

I'm at the fridge.

Defrost two bags
of breast milk

in the microwave
for three minutes.

And then prepare
two separate bottles.

Breast milk?

First, attach
the filter to the seal.

Use the blue ones,
not the pink ones.

- Defrost two bags.
- Yup.

Pretty intuitive.
Then after the milk is defrosted,

take it out
of the microwave,

pour it into the bottles,
seal them.

Then you need to put three-eighths
of a teaspoon of water...

Holy shit!

(EXCLAIMING)

Come on, dude. Christ!

Mitch. Hey,
are you listening to me?

Holy fuck!

This is important stuff
Do not screw this up.

Hey!

What was that?

Mitch? Mitch!

Everything's fine, dude.
What's next?

Then you need to
put three-eighths...

What the fuck?
(ELECTRICITY SPARKING)

Holy shit! Fuck!

What just happened?

Nothing. Nothing, dude.
Go on. Two bottles...

Then attach a number two nipple.
Jesus Christ.

Make sure you don't allow
any air bubbles in.

Then, after you're
done feeding them...

This is so fucked up.

Yeah!

All right.

This is what you get, okay?
Yeah, right there.

- Mitch.
- Okay, dude.

Tomorrow morning, when I
am sitting in your office,

you need to be downtown,

finding that
fucking fountain.

I do not know how
much more of this shit...

(BABIES LAUGHING)
...I can take.

I'm one of the guys
looking for the fountain

that you lost
in the computer.

I'd be very, very appreciative if
you could tell me where that is.

Yeah, I can do that.

Good. Great.

First, you got to fill out a
formal information request.

Okay, I'm going to
fill that out right now.

Then it needs
to go to State.

- State?
- Yeah, to get approved.

Why can't you
approve it, Victor?

I don't have
that authority.

How long is it going to take
State to approve it, then?

- Three days...
- Oh, God!

- ...To three weeks.
- Oh, come on!

Victor!

Mitch? Dave?

Hello?

Fuck!

Real bad news...

Oh, hey. Where's...

Where's Dave?

Dave's in the shower.

Are you okay?

Hey.

What's going on?

Dave's just acting
really weird.

How?

He's just doing
weird stuff,

like he wore his shower
sandals to work yesterday.

He forgot to pick up
the twins from daycare.

- No, he didn't.
- Yeah, he did.

They had to sit there
for an hour and a half.

Okay.

(CRYING) And then
last night he told me

that he wasn't
attracted to me any more.

I am going to kill him.

I just want you to tell me
something right now, okay?

And you have to be
totally honest with me.

- Sure.
- You swear?

Yeah.

Is he having an affair?

No.

Why did you
hesitate just then?

I didn't hesitate.

He's not having an affair.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Jamie, Jamie...

You guys are
just going through

a temporary rough
patch right now.

Temporary rough patch?
What are you talking about?

We've been in this
for years.

You have?

I love him. You know I love
him with all of my heart.

But he's...

You know his family,
growing up...

He had nothing, and so he was
always looking over the fence

because he wanted
a better life.

And that's why he worked
four jobs at once,

so that he could put
himself through school.

And he's amazing.

I mean,
nobody can do that.

But the problem is,

now that he has everything,
he can't turn it off.

And he still wants
more and more

and a second house, and
more kids, and a nicer car

and anything that he thinks
is going to make him happy.

And so he just
keeps working

and he's not paying
any attention to me.

- And I'm miserable.
- Oh, God.

Because... I have huge feet.
(SOBBING)

They're size 11.

My foot has grown a half
a size with each baby.

I have to go to this weird
online shoe store to get shoes.

And I just want him
to pay attention to me.

And I want him
to grab me

and kiss me
like he used to.

And it's like
you always say,

Dave is a little
bit of a pussy.

I always say that?

Yeah.

I always say that
because it's true.

Dave is a little
bit of a pussy.

I hope that when
he makes partner,

he can just finally
stop and see...

And be happy,
you know?

Because how can you
stay married to somebody

who is incapable
of being happy?

What are you saying?

(EXCLAIMS) Holy fuck-knuckles,
I've got freckles on my taint.

How awesome is that?

Hey, fag,
what are you doing here?

Three days to three weeks?

You left the kids
at daycare?

Come, on, Mitch!
Those are my kids.

I can't do
this shit any more.

No, no, no.
You are going do this shit.

You don't get
off that easy.

My marriage is falling apart,
my job is on the line.

You are going to be the best
possible me you can be right now.

Dave, you don't understand.
I cannot do this.

- Not even for another hour.
- You're gonna do it.

I don't care! You're going to
stay here and do this right!

Get out of my fucking way, or I'll
drown you in your own goddamn tub!

Easy, motherfucker!

- If you leave now...
- Get your hands off me.

...This friendship is over!

Fuck you.
Don't pull that shit on me.

- I got to get the fuck out of here.
- I'm serious, Mitch. Shut up!

Jamie and the kids
mean everything to me.

There's no walking
out on this.

For once in your life, you got
to see something through.

What the fuck
does that mean?

I'm going to be honest
with you, Mitch,

because there's
a lot on the line here.

You are a quitter.

But quitting is not an
option on this one, okay?

You focus,
you find it.

I don't care where, but you find
it inside of yourself, okay?

I know it's there.

It's not like
I'm not trying.

I just don't know how to
do all your grown-up crap.

You're going to learn.

This is called a suit.
You wear one every day.

Along with a necktie.
Black, not white, socks.

Dress shoes, not shower sandals.
Please. These are awful.

And, of course, underwear.
Oh, come on.

(EXCLAIMS)
No more commando, Mitch,

you're a grown-ass man.
Put them on.

This is called
a schedule.

It tells you everything
you need to do each day.

Pick-u ps, drop-offs,
activities,

play-dates,
doctor's appointments, etc.

You'll notice that there are approximately
50 hours' worth of obligations

on any given day.
Make it work.

This is called
a grocery store.

People buy food here.
It's part of your responsibilities.

Before heading
to the market,

always call Jamie and ask her
if she needs anything first.

In fact, before making
any decision

in your life,
no matter how small,

call your wife first.

Think of yourself as
a brain-damaged mule,

lost in the desert,
helpless, dumb

and in constant
need of direction.

Never take the initiative,
never strike out on your own,

and never deviate
from the plan. Why?

Because you are
a brain-damaged mule

and you are lost
in the damn desert!

These are called children,
or dependants.

Never disparage
your own child.

Everything they do
is a miracle from God.

When they're bad,
it's only because

they're tired or
going through a phase.

When other kids are bad, it's
because of indulgent parenting

or innate defects in
the child's character.

Be 15 minutes
early for everything.

It doesn't matter what it is.
A meeting, an event.

Less stress for me,
less stress for you...

Hey! You're married
now, jackass.

You can't look
at other women.

You can't talk
to other women.

You can't even be interesting
around other women.

(SHUSHING) Do everything in your
power to desexualize yourself.

Wear a fanny pack,
drive a Prius,

attach electronic devices to
your belt, whatever it takes.

And if you find yourself
forced to talk to a woman,

quickly find a way to mention
the fact that you're married.

It doesn't even
have to make sense.

Hi, how are you? Nice weather today.
He's totally fucking married.

So I can't sleep with my wife,
I can't sleep with other women?

What the hell is that?

Marriage.

I think that's everything.

You got any
more questions?

Do you ever
have any free time?

Have you listened to
a single word I've said?

There is no free time.

And at the end of the day,
do you know what you get?

A fucking gun with a bullet
to blow my head off with?

Sometimes you wish.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Hi.

SABRINA: Did you hear
the good news?

Kinkabe and Amalgamated agreed to go
into binding mediation in two days.

Hold up. What do you mean?
Two days?

So, I'll have my briefs
on your desk by lunch.

That puts my balls on
your chin by dinner.

That, right there, is Schedule
IV sexual harassment.

Awesome!

I'm sorry, have we met?

No, we haven't.
I'm Mitch Planko.

Hi, Sabrina McKay.

Hey, Sabrina.

Hold on.

- You two guys should go out.
- What?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, man!

- DAVE: Please stop.
- MITCH: You two guys need to go out.

Absolutely,
you two should go out.

You're so single,
Mitch, right?

And you're so fucking white-hot, right?
This body.

Did you do a lot of
swimming in college?

- Don't answer that.
- You bet she did.

Oh, my God,
you guys need to go out,

have a nice steak dinner,
do some dancing,

go to a Korean nightclub,
get a belly full of pills.

I don't know what you're into,
but just have some fun.

What about Ecco on 7th
Street, Saturday at 8:3O?

Great? Great!

He's totally free, so he's
going to meet you there.

Don't fuck on
the roof, though.

That place has got
this non-resin tar

that's a bastard
to wash off.

So, just oral.

Yes, you're thinking
about it.

She's in.

This is good.

You're going to get me fired!
I swear to God.

Shut it down.
For one second, you listen to me.

For the first
time in your life,

you're fucking
good-looking, okay?

You're single, you got the right
number of fucking balls in that bag,

and you got the opportunity to nail
number one on your cancer list.

I can't do that.
I'm not doing it.

You need this!
This is fucking dinner with her!

This is so good.

I mean, what's going
on between us,

it's just crazy, crazy.

Here's what's crazier, not using it.
(EXHALES)

Not using it on her.

You use it for her,
you use it for you,

and maybe a little
bit for me, you know?

Remind yourself of that.
Remind yourself

of the big, fucking crater you created
right there on Tuesday night.

Oh, the Tuesday night, again.
I could use that.

She'd fit perfectly in there.
Will you please drop that?

Every day with the Tuesday night!
Well, it's a big goddamn deal!

You fucked me! You owe me!
Respect my life!

Respect mine.

Yeah, you respect
your life.

- Fine!
- I am proud of you.

Just promise me, you listened
to every word I said.

- I heard everything.
- Every single syllable, you got it?

Did you hear
everything I said?

- Caught a few things.
- Yeah, just enough.

You betcha. You go have
a good time, little girl.

I got your life all put
away here, nice and safe.

(PHONE RINGING)
Answer my phone.

Hello.

Hi, Mitch Planko.

Bingo! Who the fuck is this?

What?

Dad?
Hello?

(STAMMERING)

Is this Mitch's dad?
Is this Mitch, Sr?

- Dave?
- Hi, this is Dave Lockwood.

Why are you calling me?

I just wondered if we can get
together for a little while today.

- Boy, it's a work day.
- Half an hour.

I look different.
I don't like my outfit today.

Dave, half an hour.

Mitch, Sr. Wants to sit down
with Dave Lockwood.

- Yeah.
- Why?

I need to talk to
you about Mitch.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Hello.

Dave. How are you?

Good, thank you.

What are we doing here? When was the
last time the two of us saw each other?

I don't care. Listen.

I'm getting married to a very
beautiful woman named Pamela.

- Her name's Pamela?
- Yes.

Wow, you can say "I do"
in English this time.

- What?
- Is Pamela from America?

Yes.

Anyway...

I'm not going to
have anybody there.

The only family
I have is Mitch.

I went to his apartment
a couple of days ago

and told him that
Pamela would like him

to say a few words
at the wedding

and that wasn't true.

Truth of the matter is, I would
like him to say a few words,

if he could find it
in his heart to do so.

I don't know why you
don't tell him yourself.

That is a very nice
thing for a son to hear.

So, you want me
to go tell Mitch

that you would like
him at the wedding.

He's going to say,
"Why the hell does"

"he want me there?
He thinks I'm an idiot."

Well, that's not
totally true.

I think he's got
some nice qualities.

I think he's got
some problem areas, too.

What are those?

You're his friend, you
know him as well as I do.

You probably know him better than I do.
He's a quitter!

He has never finished
anything in his life.

He picks up something,
he puts it down.

He's good at it for five
minutes, and it's gone.

He's flaccid. No gumption.
No get-up-and-go.

His accomplishments could rest
comfortably on an eyelash.

Oh, he'd probably say, "Fuck you,"
if he heard you say that.

Well, maybe he would
and maybe he wouldn't.

But I want him to
be part of my life.

With all due respect,
Mr. Planko, you don't know Mitch.

What you don't
realize about him

is that he's
a fucking Jedi!

- A what?
- He's a Jedi Knight, sir.

And next time you see him, he's
going to be slitting throats.

(CAR ALARM BEEPS)

Fuck!

I'm not a fucking quitter!

(ENGINE REVS)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(BABY CRYING)

All right, let's do this.

Good morning,
Patty-cakes.

Daddy needs a box set
of Law & Order,

three meatball subs
and a hand-folded,

24-inch samurai sword,
chop-chop.

What are you doing?

I got this one.
I got it.

Back to bed.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(SQUEALING)

MAN: You are in dire
financial need!

Objection!

(EXCLAIMING)

Sustained.

(YELLING)

(BOTH CRYING)

(SCREAMS)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Excuse me.

Hi.

Fuck me, she's cute.

Here comes
the battement.

(ALL GASPING)

Fucking nice, Cara!

Sweet!

(WHOOPING)

That bitch bounced.
Beautiful!

Man alive!
That's my daughter, bitches!

Dad's very proud.
Keep going.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

MITCH: Oh, I mean,
what did we learn from this?

Always solve my problems
with violence.

That's bingo, baby!
Five, up high.

- No!
- Yes!

No, that is not the lesson
that we learned, Cara.

It is!

Violence is cool.

- Dave.
- Kidding.

I'm not kidding.

She did make a pretty
funny sound, though,

- when she hit the ground like that.
- Yes, she did!

But don't make a habit
out of that, okay?

- I know.
- All right.

I love you, Daddy.

I love you, little girl.

MITCH:
Hey.

That ass looks real hot,
you know.

You like my ass?

Yeah. Tight as a drum.

Wouldn't mind putting
my drumstick in it.

Ooh! Really? Ha.
Keep going. (CHUCKLES)

I like how big and fat
those tits have gotten.

This little calf wants to
get her mouth on the udders.

And I think that I want you to fuck
me like you just got out of jail.

Roger that.

And you don't even have to go down
on me because I know it's late.

Appreciate it.
All right, turn around.

- Oh! What are you doing?
- Here we go.

What do you mean? I thought you
said you wanted to have some sex.

Yeah, but not like two dudes
at a rest stop, okay?

Okay, I got it.
Want to go grab me three Q-tips?

How about we just do
what we always do?

What, do you mean with a lot of
eye-Contact and real personal?

Uh-huh. Come here.
I love you.

Yeah. Oh, don't say that.

Let's not...
How about no talking, okay?

We can do some silent sex.
Seriously.

- Kiss me.
- No, no, no. No talking.

All right, let me kiss
a shoulder first. Okay?

Okay.

There you go.
Where's that hand going?

- Hello!
- Did you shave your balls?

Who doesn't love a couple
of smooth criminals?

Is that why there was all
that pubic hair in the drain?

- I would bet, yeah.
- Why are you still soft?

I don't know. Can we try the no-talking
for just, like, three minutes?

That's all
it's gonna take, okay?

Let's do it like we did it
on our wedding night.

No, no, no. Jamie, what are you talking
about, our fucking wedding night?

- God! I can't do this!
- Why not?

I cannot believe
I can't do this!

What the hell is happening?
God damn it!

What?

You don't want
to have sex with me?

Yeah, I want
to have sex with you.

I've wanted to have sex with
you since the sixth grade!

I mean, you should be
a mess by now,

- but things are not...
- Well, let's do it!

(SIGHS)
This is new.

Sorry, Jamie.

I think
I'm in over my head.

I think I'm way in over my head.
I got this fucking house,

and a job, and a family.

I've got you, I've got the Kids, and
I've got a fucking carpool. And rules!

I've got these fucking rules, half
of which I don't even understand.

This is impossible.
I don't know how to be this man.

I'm sorry.

- Sorry.
- That's okay.

That's okay.

Come here.

Yeah, it's fantastic in here.

It's very warm.
I think I remember this.

Mmm-hmm.

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

Dave Lockwood.

Mitch!
Where the hell are you?

It's been two days.
I gotta know what's going on with Jamie.

Call me back.

What the hell is he doing?

(WOMAN TALKING ON PA)

Mitch. Hi.

Jamie. What are you doing here?

I come here every Saturday after yoga.
What are you doing here?

I am plowing the crap out of
this chick around the corner,

and now we're gonna have dinner.
We're gonna make some scallops,

and then it's going to get ugly.
This chick is a mess.

Why do you have to talk like that?
You have such a sweet side.

You should let people
into your sweet side.

Yeah. Listen, I wanted
to ask you something.

The other night, you were
in a pretty dark place.

Oh, yeah. I know.

How's that going with Dave?

Is he treating you
a little bit better?

Yeah.
He's been very sweet.

- Really open and communicative...
- Good.

He held my hand all night
while we slept last night.

Attaboy!

Did you tell Dave
to shave his balls?

Uh...

Don't act like you didn't tell him.
I know it came from you.

Don't be a bad
influence on him.

I though you two
might like that.

No, I don't like that.
It needs some coverage.

Yeah, I'll tell him
to grow it out.

- It was really great seeing you.
- You okay?

I'm good. In fact, I'm much...
Much better now.

- Good.
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- All right.

(ALARM CLOCK RINGING)

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

(EXHALES FORCEFULLY)

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Okay, I'm awake.

Fuck it.

(PARTS)

(LOUD PLOP)

(CHUCKLES)

MAN: Hello, I'm trying to find...
Oh, come on!

Look, bring it to me in the office.
I don't care.

Relax, I'll be there.
Yes, sir.

Just look at...
This is important. Taxi!

(LAUGHING LOUDLY)

(CHEERING)

Thank you.

Thank you, America.

ALL:
Whoa!

(SIGHS)

I've got my eye
on you!

(GIRL SQUEALING)

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING)

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Go for Lockwood.

Mitch, I'm panicking
over here.

I haven't been on
a date in 18 years.

I'm drowning
in my own fear.

Relax and calm down.

Don't tell me to relax! You did this to me.
I can't do it, okay?

Don't move,
I'll be right there.

Mitch?

Hey.

How do I look?

Just grow a mustache and
lure a child into your van.

Where did you
find that shit?

The back of your closet.

Put it back!

These are called jeans.

They've been popular with America's
youth for over 60 years.

- Jeans to a restaurant?
- Yeah, jeans to a restaurant.

Look who else can hit.

In order to feel confident,
you got to look good, okay?

This is a vest,
put that on.

Okay, this is called
gel or product.

Too little, you look
like a pedophile,

too much
and you look Persian.

Mitch, I have done everything
that you have asked of me.

I got the jeans on, I got the
vest, the gel in my hair...

You look great...
but I am not going to do this.

- Yes, you are going to do this.
- Why do I have to do this?

Because it shows
that you're considerate,

that you're clean,
that you're American.

- Why do you even care?
- It's my body!

It's my body right now!

I'm scared!

There, we have it.

Nobody ever needs to know
that this happened, Mitch.

(SHAVER BUZZING)

Boy, real tempting
to kiss my own dick.

Ah, that tickles.

Shh, you're
jiggling the sac.

Oh, you're going to go all
the way back there, huh?

We're going to dinner,
not Rio.

All right.
You got any extra batteries?

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi.

Mitch.
How are you?

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Okay.

So...
(CLEARS THROAT)

What the weather?

Listen, the only reason I'm here

is because my boss
told me to be.

This is not a date.
This is not a "get to know you."

This is just me trying
to save my job.

I'm going to go.

Just sit the fuck
back down.

I showered, I showed up, I'm
starving and I could use a drink.

How long have
you known Dave?

My whole life, actually.

And have you ever seen him
act like he did yesterday?

Like a super-douche?

(LAUGHS)
BOTH: Yeah.

Uh, I have, at times.

But I'm really hoping that he
didn't say anything to offend you.

He totally did.

But I like being offended,
just usually after work.

Wow.

- Here's the bottle you ordered, sir.
- Excellent.

Mmm-mmm,
send that shit back.

Bring us two
Macallan 25s, neat.

- Right away, ma'am.
- Right away.

So, let me
ask you something.

It's a question.

How do you like
working with Dave?

How is he?

I love it.

I mean, he's a
brilliant lawyer.

He's the best.

(CHUCKLES)
Actually, if you must know,

I used to kind of
have a crush on Dave.

(CRINGES)
Oh, no, you didn't!

(BOTH LAUGHING)
You're funny.

I mean, obviously,
he's married, so...

Right, obviously,
obviously, obviously.

- Super-married.
- What do you do, Mitch?

- Me? For a living?
- Yeah.

You know, I am...

I...

When I'm not eating hummus
and ferociously masturbating,

I dabble in light porn.

- I hear that's a growth industry.
- Yeah!

I'm just going to get
everything on the dessert menu.

I'm going to order,
like, six desserts.

Oh, my God.

No, no, no!
(LAUGHING)

Do I have anything
in my teeth?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

DAVE:
That's a lot of sugar.

Yeah. A lot of scotch!
(EXHALES FORCEFULLY)

Yeah. That was a lot of fun,
is what it really was.

Was? What, are we done?

It's only 2:00!

No! I'm just
messing with you.

(LAUGHING)
No, let's...

We'll go to a rave or something.
You want to get raving?

People raving right now?

- Let's rave!
- Yeah.

I forgot about raves!

Man, I'm messing with you.

Go and do that? No.

- I do have an idea.
- Uh-huh.

What do you think
about doing something

that we will really, really
regret in the morning?

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

You into it?

Yeah, we can
definitely do that.

(LAUGHING)
Okay!

Okay. Let's go.
(SIGHS) All right, let's go.

(WHISPERING)
Fuck, fuck, fuck!

(MACHINE BUZZING)
(SABRINA MOANING)

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

(CONTINUES MOANING)

(GROANING)

Oh, God!

Oh. Wow. Really?

Are you sure
that's what you want?

Absolutely. I like that.

You're okay with that being on
your body for, like, forever?

I feel pretty good
about it.

How is yours down there?

It's good.

It tickles a little.

- Rico.
- Yo.

What do you think
of this turn, man?

I don't know, man.

- Ask Tommy.
- Tommy!

TOMMY:
Yeah, man.

Check this out, man.

(GIGGLING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

You never did tell me
about your childhood.

Really? Now?

With the Sons of Anarchy
between your...

Um, let's see here...

Tommy, Rico. Hey, guys.

We are sightseeing now.

Let's move it along,
please. Come on.

You are such a gentleman.

Now you only have one ponytailed
ex-convict between your legs,

so everything is fine.

(SABRINA LAUGHS)

I'm kidding.
I was absolutely joking.

I love your ponytail.
And that little pirate beard.

Still kidding.
(EXHALES)

(CHATTING INDISTINCTLY)

That's me, there.

- This is you.
- Mmm-hmm.

- Yeah, that is nice.
- Thanks.

Yeah.

Well, good night.

Good night.

Hey, Mitch?

Yeah.

Are you going
to call me?

I thought you said
this wasn't a date.

Things change.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

That's a cute tie.
Thank you.

You should wear
that to the party.

What party?

Our anniversary party.

Our anniversary party?
Why the fuck wasn't I...

What about Mitch?

You said you didn't
want him to come.

- I did?
- Yeah.

You said you were really
embarrassed of him.

That's why
I didn't invite him.

I can't believe
I don't remember that.

You also said
that you thought

that he would
get hammered

and hit on all of our married
friends, be mean to my grandma

and turn the whole thing
into a key party.

Once, that happened.

And you said he would force
everyone to do Kamikaze shots,

spike the punch
with ecstasy,

give all the girls
breast exams and...

That was the same party.

Hmm. Weird.

Maybe we should talk about your
bad memory at Dialogue Night.

Stilton Coffee House tonight.
Don't forget.

- Okay.
- Okay?

Bye.

(LAUGHS)

(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)

(GRUNTS)

Hello.

This is District
Manager Carla Nelson

from the Atlanta
Department of Parks.

Oh, yeah.

Well, we have found
that fountain.

It's been moved to
1100 Peachtree Boulevard.

You found it.
Okay, well...

(STAMMERS)
Okay, we'll be there soon.

All righty, then.
Have a good day.

Thank you.

- Hi.
- Hi.

How are you?

Good. Just on my way
to see Dave.

Actually,

all the senior staff is going to
be at the mediation tomorrow.

So, I snagged
Flemming's seats

to the Marlins-Braves game.

You, me, beer, baseball.

What more could
a guy want?

(GROANS)

Don't take this
the wrong way.

I would really love to go to that
game with you, but I don't...

(ANGRILY)
Are you breaking up with me?

- What?
- I'm messing with you. (LAUGHING)

Oh!

Look, it is just
a baseball game.

They're dugout seats.

Whatever you have
to do, cancel it.

Hey.

They found the fountain.

Yeah, they did.
She called me, too.

Yeah.

So...

Good news.

Yeah, it's good news.

Awesome.

We should probably go,
you know, take a piss.

Yeah, yeah,
let's do it.

Yeah.

Except...
Except?

Except, the mediation
is tomorrow,

and I've been working
my ass off on that.

Yeah, you've been working
real hard on that.

And I want to
prove to myself

and to people

that I can see
that through.

- And you should.
- Yeah.

You deserve that.

What are you saying?

We could wait.

- You want to wait?
- We could wait a day.

Push it a day?
Or a week?

We should wait to switch.
We can do it...

- A month?
- Yeah.

It's time.

Really, what is time?

Come here, Dave.

Come on, buddy.
(BOTH GROAN)

This went so well.
Yeah, it did.

It's kind of surprising.

Very surprising.

If they offer you one red
cent over $700 million,

you accept that.
Got it?

Yes, of course.
Why wouldn't I?

Why wouldn't you?

- Great!
- Good!

What's the worst that can happen?
Nothing can happen!

I think it's fine.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Dave Lockwood.

Did you forget something?

- Who is this?
- Your wife.

Oh.

Ummm. Did I forget something?
I don't know. What?

Never mind.

It's the mediation tomorrow,
so I'm under it.

I can't play.

So, how did it go?
How much money is it?

Just two hours,
so, 14 bucks.

Great.

Sorry you got stood up.

He just forgot.

Yeah, that's what
I meant. (LAUGHS)

He forgot me
at the coffee shop

when all I wanted to do
was go and talk to him.

Which isn't a lot to ask,
do you think?

What do you
want me to say?

Well, have you ever
been stood up by a man?

- Not really.
- Uh-huh.

Our parents drive
us places, though, so...

Bottom line, Katie,

is work always
comes first,

and we always
come second.

And I don't think that's
ever going to change.

I've got to go home now

because I have
this Spanish test, so...

I can write you a note.

I guess deep down,

I'm afraid that
I'll keep compromising

until getting the shit
end feels normal.

And then I'll be
so beaten down by life

that, just for a second,
I will consider asking

the homeless guy at the car wash
who looks like Kris Kristofferson

to rub my shoulders.

And I will,
and he will.

And you know what?
It'll be wonderful.

And I'll love it.

Because why not?

(CRYING) I mean,
I'm not getting anything here.

Nobody's fucking me here.

You know, Katie, this is exactly
why people get divorced.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.
That was way out of line.

Do you want
some ice cream?

I'm not getting any
closer to leaving, am I?

No.

(ORGAN PLAYING GAME TUNES)

(ALL CHEERING LOUDLY)

Wow!

It's looking good out there.

Hudson loves the sinker.
He's been crushing them all year.

Listen to you, you are
a big baseball fan!

Yeah, huge.

I didn't know
that about you.

I was Phil Niekro for Halloween
three years in a row as a kid.

No way! Phil Niekro is my number
one favorite of all time!

Why is my voice
so high?

(LAUGHING)

WOMAN: Thank you
for coming in today.

My name is Erin Walsh,

and I'll be mediating
your claim.

Any and all agreements made
during this mediation are binding

and carry with them
the full rights

and responsibilities
of the law

as stated in Federal
Code 325 A, Section 4.

(INAUDIBLE)

Kinkabe agrees in principle
to the terms of the sale

and valuates your company
at $625 million.

This is their best
and final offer.

TED: There is no way
we can make this deal.

FLEMMING: Six-twenty-five
is not the end of the world.

You've just got to know
when it's time to quit.

Fuck that noise.
We are not quitting.

I think you can
do better, Ted.

I beg your pardon.

I don't see anybody
headed for the door.

This is just like trying to fuck a
Catholic girl who keeps saying,

"No, I don't want to.
I'm really drunk and you're circumcised."

But she keeps on
making out with you,

she's not leaving
your Fiero...

It means she really wants to.

She just needs
a little bit of a nudge.

A little bit of a coax,
little bit of a tickle.

Just to rationalize it
to herself, to her God.

Do you know what I mean?

No, Dave. We most definitely
do not know what you mean.

Okay. What I mean is,

they want to spend more, they
just don't know it, all right?

If this really was
their final offer,

they'd be leaving,
but they're not.

They're sticking around.
They've got more money to spend.

She wants to unroll that rubber
at the bottom of her purse

that she put in there
three semesters ago.

How much more do you think
we can get out of them?

Ten million? Fifteen?

Pull those panties to the side,
Ted, and take a hundred more.

What?

Do not listen to him, Ted.
He is beyond reckless.

If we make too large a counter
offer, we risk driving them away.

Ted, it doesn't hurt to ask.

You would not
believe the nasty shit

I get these girls to do,
just by asking.

Honestly, it's revolting.

It does seem odd that
they're not leaving.

Punch her in the seat.

You can tell Kinkabe we
want an extra 100 million.

And that is our final offer,
because we're leaving.

Fuel the jet, let's go.

For the record, I did not support
that decision. (ERIN SHOUTING)

Sir!

Sir, Mr. Kinkabe has
agreed to $725 million.

The deal is closed!

(WHOOPING)

Oh, my God!

(ALL CHEERING)

What did I tell you?

(ALL CHATTERING)

(LAUGHING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(EXCLAIMING)
Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Wow.

Are you glad
you came now?

Am I glad I came?
It's like the greatest day of my life!

(LAUGHING)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Where did that come from?

Hang on, hang on,
I got it.

Oh, no, they are
going to call it.

MITCH: Man, this is amazing.
I can't believe they're making me partner.

I'm the greatest
lawyer, ever.

What a day.
(LAUGHS)

So, now you can be happy.

Do you think they are
going to give me a medal?

Could you imagine
an engraved sword?

Honestly, I'd be happy
with anything engraved.

A sword or a spear.

Even a shield
would be good.

Slap it, Cara. Cara.

FLEMMING:
We are gathered here tonight

to celebrate the newest
partner in our esteemed firm.

David Andrew Lockwood

was born on March 25th, 1974.

By all accounts,
Dave was a sweet,

diligent,
hardworking little boy.

(LAUGHING)

Wow.

Yeah, I know.

I love it.

Why?

It reminds me
of high school.

I feel like I'm about
to lose my virginity.

(LAUGHS)
Bathroom?

Yeah, right there.

(MOUTHING)

Do you want
a drink or something?

(STAMMERS) Or warm clothes
or I can get you a drink?

No, it's okay.
We'll have one after.

Okay. After what?

Relax, Mitch, you're going to
get laid tonight. (LAUGHS)

FLEMMING: In high school, Dave
graduated first in his class.

After winning a full
scholarship to Princeton,

Dave, amazingly,
graduated in just three years.

And after graduating from
Yale Law School with honors,

Dave clerked
for Justice Souter

on the United
States Supreme Court.

Work is hard.

I like going
to baseball games

and drinking too much, and getting
tattoos at 3:00 in the morning.

Yeah.

Boot. Take it off.

We were not put on this earth
to work, breed and die.

- No, we were not...
- Don't interrupt me, handsome.

We are here
to have fun.

- Right?
- Yeah.

Boot.

I just think there's
too many rules.

Think about all the amazing
experiences that we miss out on

because we're so worried about
what other people will think.

Why can't I be a professional,
successful woman

who sleeps with
someone she just met?

You know?

I haven't heard
a word you said

since you took
your pants off.

Shirt.

Shirt.

You smell like lemons.

(LAUGHS)
I do smell like lemons.

Oh, God, you're nervous.
I like that.

Your leg is shaking.

That's not my leg.

Take off my bra.

All Of it?

Just the parts
covering the breasts.

That's a good start.

(DAVE GRUNTS)

Oh, that's great.

At the end of the day...

Holy shit!

...I am just tired of
over-thinking things.

I'm tired of
over-thinking things, too.

We should just do
what we want to do.

Let's do it.
Let's just do it.

FLEMMING: The only thing Dave
loves more than the law

is his beautiful wife, Jamie.

Their life is
like a fairy tale

made even more perfect by their
three adorable children.

(DISTANTLY) So, as we celebrate
one partnership tonight...

Look, Daddy,
it's you and me.

(INDISTINCT)

...would bring most
men to their knees,

but not Dave.

He excelled on all fronts,

putting the rest
of us to shame.

I didn't earn this.

The law may be the first
thing on Dave's mind,

but his family has always been
the first thing in his heart.

What should we do
with each other, Mitch?

Oh, God, everything.

(LAUGHS)

We could...

Is that a...

Is that a many-spotted
skipperling?

Yeah.

Mmm.

You can have
whatever you want.

What do you want to do?

I want to go home.

What?

I want to go home.

What? I don't...

I got a meeting.
I got to go.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)

Lockwood residence.

Where is Dave?

Dave is at the country club.
They made him partner.

(CARS HONKING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

FLEMMING:
A brilliant attorney,

loving husband,

devoted father.

It is my distinct honor

to introduce to you,

our newest partner,
David Lockwood.

Way to go, Dave.

Congratulations, Dave.

You deserve it.

This is not my life.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Is she kissing
the wrong guy?

I know it's weird.
Just go with it.

We tried to tell you.

You ready to take a piss?

You bet your ass I am.

I love you, pumpkin.

(EXHALES)

(HORNS BLARING)

Are you sure
this is the address?

Yeah, this is the place.

- You got to be kidding me.
- Oh, wow.

Jesus Christ, it's like the
whole city is in here tonight.

Okay, let's just do this.
Come on.

How are we supposed
to get this done?

You just be super cool...

(BOTH UNZIPPING)...
and don't draw attention to yourself.

Why aren't you peeing?

I got a lot of
people around me.

Don't yell at me.
I'm all locked up.

No one is even looking at us.
We're fine.

Mommy, that man is
peeing in the fountain!

(ALL MURMURING)

Oh, my God.

The cat is out of the bag, buddy.
You got to go now.

- Why don't you take a picture?
- Mitch!

Come on!

- It's snipped.
- Mitch! Mitch!

By the way, why didn't you invite
me to your anniversary party?

Okay, look...

I feel really
bad about that

but can we talk about
that at another time?

There is a girl scout
staring at my penis.

I want to talk
about it right now.

Really?

Are you embarrassed of me?

I'm sorry.
Yeah. Yeah, I was.

But I'm not any more.

I'm actually
proud of you, Mitch.

Really?

Really.

(GROANS IN RELIEF)

(CROWD GASPING)

Attaboy!

I think that's what
had me all locked up.

Hey!

Shit, we got
security on us.

We got to do
this right now.

Three, two, one...

BOTH: I wish I had
my old life back!

What did they say?

- Do you feel any different?
- No, go again.

BOTH: I wish I had
my old life back!

Oh, shit!
Come on, guy!

We are running out of time here.
Three, two, one...

BOTH: I wish I had
my old life back!

- MITCH: Bingo!
- DAVE: Nice! Let's go, this way!

I'm peeing all over people,
slow down!

WOMAN:
Watch it!

MITCH: Excuse me,
I'm sorry. Pardon me.

(ALL MURMURING)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(BABY CRYING)

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, thank God.
Oh, thank God.

Pumpkin! Pumpkin, I'm back.

Pumpkin, wake up.

Can you wake up, baby?
I'm back, I'm back.

Oh, my God, I missed you so much.
Oh, honey.

Okay, I owe you an
explanation for last night.

I owe you an apology
for this week.

And most importantly, I owe you
a fix for the last five years.

Honey, things are
changing, I promise.

You and the kids mean everything to me.
Nothing is more important.

In fact, I'm going
to quit my job.

I'm going to work today,
I'm going to quit my job.

I'm going to apply
to Kinko's, all right?

- Or maybe Chick-fil-A or Waffle House?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Hold on, just a second.
- Foot Locker?

It is the middle
of the night. Shh.

All right, I don't know what's
going on with you two dorks.

That's enough.

I don't want you
to quit your job.

What are you
talking about?

You love your job
and you love the law.

I love that about you.

I just want you to
come home for dinner.

- I know.
- And Dialogue Night.

And to see the kids.

And I want you
to want to be here.

I do. You have no idea.

You don't have
to get all, like,

"I'm going
to quit my job."

(BABY RESUMES CRYING)

- It's my turn.
- No, no, no.

Back to bed.
They're mine.

I love you.

Hi!

Look who's up.

Good morning.

Hi, my little man.

(LAUGHING) And how are you
this morning, little princess?

Good morning.

How was your sleep?

Yeah, I know.

Okay, she's first.

She's a little
bit more vocal.

Right?

Are you trying to tell me
you've got a little surprise?

Did you make me
something special?

Daddy.

Hi, sugarbug,
come here.

Give me a hug, sweetie.

(GROANS)
Good morning.

You smell like a pillow.

Stay here, talk to me.
Sit on that chair.

Tell me about school.

I want to know what you
learned yesterday, okay?

And I want
to hear everything.

Did you know that atoms are
smaller than a grain of sand?

How amazing is that?

So amazing!

And everything on this
planet is made out of atoms.

Which is kind
of strange

because I think that means that
I'm the same as a piece of fruit

or a fish

or this chair!

(GASPS)

I'm me. God, I'm me.
Thank you. Thank you.

God, look at that.
Gorgeous!

God, it's so good
to be back!

Oh, yeah.

Welcome home.
I missed you.

Look at that,
two perfectly shorn balls.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

(ZIPPING UP)

Hi.

I left my purse.
I would have called but...

But you left your
phone in your purse.

- Yeah.
- Right.

I just wanted to apologize,
because I know

that I probably came off a
little aggressive last night,

and I just
wanted to say sorry.

No.

Don't apologize.
I apologize.

I probably came off
a little gay last night.

I hope you will allow me the opportunity
to straighten things out for you.

Hey, guess what?
It's breakfast time.

Do you want to
get some breakfast?

Yeah.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Dearly beloved, we are gathered
here in the sight of God

to unite this man and
this woman in the...

(TIRES SCREECH)

Mitch, you came.

I'm very, very touched.
Thank you.

You're welcome, Dad.

Ooh!

Fuck me!
This must be my new mom.

Hi, Mitch Planko.

Good. Thank you.

She's holding onto me.

Okay, good, let go.

Keep away from him.
The man's a pervert.

ALL: Happy anniversary,
Jamie and Dave!

For those of you who don't know
me, my name is Mitch Planko.

I was that nut sack's
best man 10 years ago.

Here we go.

When we were kids, Dave and I,
we had a lot of big plans.

Dave, he was going
to be an astronaut,

and I was going to sell
dolphins on the black market.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(SCOFFS) Astronaut!

There's a reason I'm
not selling dolphins.

We live in Atlanta,
they're tough to find.

And those things,
they don't sleep,

which also makes it
real hard to catch them.

But I think
that we all know

that life doesn't always turn
out exactly how you plan it.

Sometimes,

just sometimes,

it turns out better.

Dave, I think
there's a reason

that you're not walking
on the moon right now.

It's because you belong here,

in your life,

with that incredible woman
sitting beside you.

Can we please raise
our Kamikaze shots

to my two best friends,
please?

To Dave and Jamie.

ALL:
Dave and Jamie!

Happy anniversary.

ALL:
Happy anniversary!

- How did I do?
- You're such a poet.

- You're Robert Frost.
- Who?

It doesn't matter.
God, you're good looking.

Yeah.

- I'm going to meet you in five minutes.
- All right.

Okay.

I took care
of you guys, huh?

We love you.

Oh...
(LAUGHS)

Come on. Really?

Hey, buddy.
I love you.

I love you, man.

How are things going
at home? Good?

Yeah. I mean, come on.

Yeah. Yeah, it's great.
It's fantastic.

- Good.
- Yeah.

What about you?
What about Sabrina?

Good. It's good.
We're taking things slow, but it's good.

Is it weird that
I miss your penis?

Come on. It would be
weird if you didn't.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

JAMIE:
What are we doing here?

We're doing this.

Huh?

A little treat
from Uncle Mitch.

Do you remember
how to do this?

(LAUGHING)
okay.

Oh.

- I know.
- Mmm.

(COUGHING)

it's fun,
though, right?

Yay!
Let's go look at some fish.

Okay.

MITCH:
Oh, God!

(BOTH MOANING)

(MITCH EXCLAIMING)

SABRINA:
Oh, my God!

- Ow! What the hell was that?
- Oh.

Explain yourself!

You've never heard
of the Bryant Gumbel?

(PANTING)
Let's do that again.

(SABRINA GIGGLING)

Why?

- Mitch sent us a video.
- Yeah? That's weird.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

No entry!

Steve Driver,
you perfect bastard, you!

(UNZIPPING)

(MONA EXCLAIMING)

Oh, no.

Oh, Steve, it's like
Christmas in my ass!

What are you doing
with my wife, man?

- DAVE: Dimitri?
- VALTAN: Hey, join the fuck party.

- Let's make lady sandwich.
- Okay.

- Oh, my God.
- Not very well made, huh?

- When was that shot?
- Who Knows? Probably years ago.

"Thank you for covering me last week.
Love what you did with my hair."

Hey!

(JAMIE GASPS)
(CLATTERING)

You got with a man?

Dimitri was surprisingly
gentle, and we were very safe.

Uh-huh.

He smelt a little
like lamb, though.

- That pooper shot looked real.
- No. God, please, don't!

- It did.
- Oh, God.

- Dave?
- What?

Can you change my oil?

(CHUCKLING)
No, I can't!

I'm gonna cut my thumbs off
tomorrow, I swear to God.

And we're gonna destroy that thing
first thing in the morning. Okay?

I don't want you to.
I like it.

- Hey, hey!
- Oh! It's growing in so nicely.

Yeah.
Real in-between phase.

It's like Sonny Crockett
down there.