All language subtitles for iCarly (2021). S02E09

Okay.

Carly, it means so much to me
that you agreed

to go to my hospital prom.

I'm honored. I've never been
to a prom at a hospital before.

But is it cool if I sneak away
at some point

and have a doctor look
at my jacked-up elbows?

Hey, guys, we should
probably hit the road,

but I'm having trouble finding
the hospital on my GPS.

Yeah, it's not coming up
on my phone, either.

I can't believe you fell for it.

Fell for what?

You've been pranked
by the Prank Prince!

There's cameras everywhere.

Excuse me, Carly.

So, we're not going to
Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital?

That's the hospital
from Grey's Anatomy!

Durf.

So this is what you do?

You manipulate nice people
into doing nice things,

and then you make fun of them?

Yarp. It's hilarious.

Oh, man, I'm glad you're not
one of those girls

that gets angry at stuff.
Ugh, those are the worst!

Why would I be angry?

Now I have a $700
hot pink satin dress

I'm never gonna wear again.

Prank selfie.

Say "hilarious." Pffft!

Hilarious. Yay.

♪ I know ♪

♪ You see ♪

♪ Somehow the world
will change for me ♪

♪ And be so wonderful ♪

♪ So wake up
the members of my nation ♪

♪ It's your time to be ♪

♪ There's no chance
unless you take one ♪

♪ And the time to see
the brighter side ♪

♪ Of every situation ♪

♪ Some things are meant to be ♪

♪ So give your best
and leave the rest to me. ♪

I cannot believe
what that fool did to you.

Oh, the prom fake-out?
Yeah, isn't it hilarious?

No, it's infuriating.

Immediately after I watched it,

I created a fake online profile
so we could catfish him.

Meet Lakeisha.

She's a young ingenue
hoping to strike it big

on the burgeoning
Seattle jazz scene.

Skoobidy, bup, bup, bitch.

Harper, calm down.

That prank got me
a lot of followers.

And Chris and I are
on each other's

close friends maps now.

He's buying
illegal fireworks in Vancouver

- as we speak.
- Oh, my God. So cool.

Girl, I don't care!

You need to tell him
to go to hell and block him.

No. I will not choose violence.

Then why does it look
like you're murdering

that pillow you're knitting?

How many times do I have to
tell you this is crocheting?

I even crocheted you
that scarf that says,

"Crocheting and knitting
are two different things!"

Yeah, you don't seem
angry at all.

Okay, you're right.

But I'm dealing with it.

Good! Because keeping it
bottled up isn't healthy.

Actually, it is.

According to certified
joy-ologist Sunny Johnson.

Joy-ologist?

So an influencer who listened
to one episode

of a Goop meditation podcast,
now she thinks she a doctor?

Oh, she listened
to all the episodes.

If anyone knows how to deal
with anger, it's her.

And she's coming over
to drink soft seltzer

and give me advice
she only gives people

at Patreon level five.

We are so close to you
joining another cult.

Who's feeling bubbly?

Sunny!

Sunny Johnson, PhD.

That stands for
"pretty happy, dude."

Oh, I'm Harper Bet ten court,
IDGAF.

And that stands for
"I dance, gather and forage."

You guys are a hoot!

So, Carly, are you ready to deal
with your anger Sunny style?

Yes! Oh.

So, what is Sunny style?

When you feel angry,
I always say,

"Girl, hit something!"

As in hit the gym
and work it out.

Hit the grill and cook it out.

Hit the bar and drink
until you feel invincible.

That sounds incredible.

That sounds like alcoholism.

Have you ever thought about...

I don't know, maybe talking
to the person directly?

You are such a hoot!

You know, I think I get it.

We're influencers.

And our followers
want authenticity,

so we curate
a positive version of that.

Oh, so you lie.

You are such a...

If you call me a hoot
one more time...

She seems nice.

Ugh!

I cannot believe
this is happening to me.

I don't want to talk about it,
so don't bother asking.

- I won't.
- What's going on?

Finally. Thank you!

This is a confusing age.

I got partnered
with Derek Fox-Lubiner

for my English project.

Derek Fox-Lubiner?
The coolest guy in school?

- This is a disaster!
- What? Why? Millicent's cool.

He's gonna make her
do all the work

while he's off
playing freeze tag

with the rest
of the popular kids.

That was always my move.

Okay.
Well, I'll call your teacher

and see if I can get you
a different partner.

Are you trying
to destroy me? No!

Real confusing age.

Hey, m'dudes.

Oh, whoa, M&M, new kicks?
I like.

Oh, you like?
Well, I like that you like.

Do all the kids at school
call you M&M?

No, just D-money. And I'm
the only one who calls him that.

Oh. Well, what are you guys
working on, D-money?

I'm gonna throw this one to M&M.

Why? You got a freeze tag
game to get to?

- What's freeze tag?
- I don't know.

Something stupid
Freddie keeps bringing up.

The project is called
"Page to Plate."

We have to cook a meal
based on the 1691 Irish tragedy,

"A Christmas Pie for Emily."

Yeah, 'cause you know
how in books there's pages

and in food there's plates?

- Oh.
- Yeah, I got that.

Yeah, me too.

And then we get
to write a report.

Millicent is so good at reports.

OMG, stop it, I'm dead.

- I'll go find a table.
- 'Kay.

Well, now I see
why you were so nervous

to be paired with Derek.

You like him.

Oh, my little girl's
becoming a little woman.

And here comes a little tear.

You're way too young
to have a crush,

so I forbid it, crush over.
Problem solved.

Hey, not-the-father, calm down.

Let's just let the wonder

of Millicent's first crush
unfold naturally.

"First." Yeah.
We'll go with that.

Nice day of not dealing with
the root cause of your feelings?

Yes. Thank you for asking.

We hit the mall, the bar,
the gym.

Kind of wish we swapped
the order.

I'm really sorry I threw up
on you during Hot Bitch Yoga.

Oh, I saw your Instagram.

And it seems like
it was definitely about

addressing your feelings

and not at all
about making peace signs

and sticking your tongue out

as if the picture
was taken by mistake.

I feel so refreshed
and just free of anger.

Carly, you're
rage-knitting again.

It's rage-crocheting!

Oh, my God.

Sunny, what do I do?
It's still in me.

Don't worry, Carly.
It's going to be okay.

There's still one more thing
we can hit.

Each other.

Ladies, welcome...

...to Influencer Fight Club.

I don't know how yet,
but this feels racist.

Influencer Fight Club
is basically

"Girl, hit something"
on steroids.

Which, by the way,
do not mix well

with the diarrhea tea
that sponsors me.

Is this a squid game?

No. This is a safe place
for us nice influencers

to get our anger out in private.

And you're part of it now.

Aw. You think I'm nice?

Let me guess, the first rule
about Fight Club

is you do not talk
about Fight Club.

No. That's just
an incredibly obvious given.

The first rule is
protect the face.

These babies
are our moneymakers.

I gotta go.
The diarrhea tea's kicking in.

If you get in that ring, Carly,
two words: Throat punch.

Are you actually suggesting

that I stay here
and I fight someone?

Oh, it's kind of like
kickboxing,

and I do that every week.

Plus, it might actually help you
get out your anger.

Harper, nobody thinks
I can fight.

The Army told me,
"Nah, we're good."

Oh, look. A Christmas pie recipe
that takes less than five hours.

I wouldn't mind spending
five hours with you.

- Derek.
- What?

I was just saying your name.

Ha. Nice. I'm gonna go pee.

Nice.

Derek Fox-Lubiner
likes Millicent!

I wonder if the restaurant
in the Space Needle is available

for a Christmas Eve wedding
in 2042.

Whoa, lean back, Fat Joe.

Sure, it seems like
Derek is reciprocating

Millicent's feelings,
but don't you think

that's a little convenient?

Kid's up to something.

This is not good, guys.

I'm trying to focus
on my English project,

but all I want to do
is listen to Adele

and think
about D-money on a Jet Ski.

I'm gonna go make you
some oolong tea.

It's perfect for when
you're longing for someone.

I can't talk right now.

Okay, fine, Mom, you were right.

I just had to be nice,
and now she does

whatever I say.

Spencer!
You were right about Derek!

He uses jojoba oil
to get that hair volume?

No. Do...

He's just being nice
to Millicent

to get her to do
whatever he says.

I invited that boy
into our family.

J'ai reçu ce garçon
dans notre famille.

That means the same thing.
I'm just learning French.

We should split the work.

Maybe one of us does the report,
and the other does the pie?

You're so smart and talented.
I wish we had two of you.

Wish granted. I'll do both.

Lame!

Lame means cool now.

We have to tell her.

Let me do it so I can gloat
about being right.

No, we can't break her heart.

What if we convince her
not to like Derek?

Sorry,
I can officially sleep

with my eyes open now.
Did you say something?

If we sneak out of here,
do you think they'll notice?

Unfortunately, they will.

My presence in a room
is unmissable.

But, look, let's just take a lap
and get a lay of the land.

Carly! I'm Kelly.

I am such a fan.

I really hope I get
to fight you.

It would just be an honor
to wipe the floor with your ass.

The honor would be my ass's.

Don't worry.

Most people don't even need
both their kidneys.

I'm Elena.

You're the girl
who takes topless photos

in front of national landmarks.

That's me. Mammifest Chestiny.

And wait, you the girl
who takes bottomless photos

in front of war memorials.

Yep. Purple Heart, White Cheeks.

People online are always
pitting us against each other.

They're trying to make us like
the Nicki Minaj and Cardi B

of tasteful patriotic nudity.

Yeah. And luckily, when I want
to throttle the neck

of every commenter
who criticizes us,

I can come here and just,
you know, smack somebody around.

And then I feel better.
Self-care.

Or you could just limit
your comments.

Or even not read 'em.

Nah, we'd rather come here
and fight it out.

Most people don't even need
both their kidneys.

You already said that.

Well, obviously,
it bears repeating.

Maybe we should leave.

The one in the far corner
with the wide-set eyes

has been mad-dogging my liver,

and last time I checked,
I need both the ones I got.

Where do you two
think you're going?

Oh, um...

If it's your first night
at Fight Club,

you have to fight.

Have to, as in must to?

You've seen
Influencer Fight Club.

To make sure you won't
tell anyone about it,

you must become one of us.

Wait, so you're blackmailing me?

Uhm, it's African
American-mailing. And yes.

I told you this place
was racist.

Hey. Hey!

Okay, look, we gotta be brutal
and honest,

like an Estonian mother.

No. No, this is gonna work.

I can convince Millicent
not to like Derek.

She is not gonna take
your advice on romance.

You haven't had
a girlfriend in years.

I literally have
a girlfriend right now.

No, I don't think that's right.

Hey. How's the project going,
Milli Van ill'?

Great! I suggested
we dress up like characters

from the book,
and Derek said, "Lame."

Lame means cool now.

So I gotta get
a costume together.

It's gonna be like a date,
but schoolwork.

So a fun date.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Check out
this app I just downloaded.

It shows you with one hundred
percent accuracy

what you're going to look like
when you get older.

I couldn't help myself
and I uploaded Derek's picture.

- Woof. Am I right?
- Aw.

Does this mean you think
we're gonna grow old together?

Do me next!

Well, that failed.
Time for the Estonian approach.

I'm gonna need an egg.
Preferably pheasant.

Duck will do.

No, let me... let me break it
to her.

Hey, Millicent...

I gotta tell you something.

I overheard Derek
telling his mother that he was

just being nice to you to get
you to do whatever he says.

We thought you should know.

I thought you should know
earlier. I'm the hero here.

Why the heck would I
want to know?

You've ruined my life!

Now I have to go scratch out
our initials

from a lot of trees.

You got this, Carly Shay.

And if you don't, you can
catch up on TV in the hospital.

Come on, girl. Hit something!

But again, not the face.

I'm rooting for you, Carly!
I got a hundred on Sunny,

but I'm rooting for you!

Okay, here we go.

Totally hitting you.

Definitely gonna hit you.

Am I doing it?

Okay, let's make that
$200 on Sunny.

What are you two laughing at?

Can't you see I'm fighting
for my life in here?

Carly, this is, like,
the funniest video

you've ever been in. So good.

I've never been to a prom
at a hospital before.

Is it cool if I sneak away
at some point

and have a doctor look
at my jacked-up elbows?

That's the hospital
from Grey's Anatomy!

You've been pranked
by the Prank Prince!

I can't believe you fell for it!

Pffft! Pffft! Pffft!

Hilarious.

Oh!

Oh, God! I am so sorry.

You will be hearing
from my lawyer

if there's any lasting damage
to my face.

But I am proud of you, girl!

Oh, man!

I got you all so good.

Pe, pe, pe, peo!

Chris? What are you doing here?

I've just been following you
around on the close friends map.

Oh, so you're just a stalker?

Yeah, but, like, in a funny way.

And then I saw
this whole fight club.

Once I post this video
of all you influencers

beating the hell
out of each other,

everyone's gonna know
you're all fake.

But, like, not in a funny way.

Prank, prank! Pffft!

People aren't just mad at me
for punching Sunny.

All the influencers at Fight
Club are losing brand deals.

Oh, man, Sunny lost her contract
with Live Laugh Loofah.

The shower scrub that offers
words of affirmation?

It gets rid of dead skin cells
and negative thoughts.

She gonna be dirty and sad.

This is all my fault.

Oh, that's one way
to look at it.

What's another way?

Oh, there's really just the one.

Well, it's Chris's fault, too.

He used a map for evil.

Like a pirate.

Yes, let it out.

He targeted me for being kind.

That's right, get mad!

You know, I'm a nice person,
but don't fudge with me!

Mm-hmm.

Girl, hit something.

He's not even good at pranks!

He's not!

And you never unload
the dishwasher.

I won't argue,
'cause you're making progress.

And Meyer lemons taste the same
as regular lemons!

They're sweeter, but go on, sis!

Yes, give me those tiny punches.

And they picked Bran to be king?

Bran? He was gone
for a whole season!

- I feel so much better.
- All right!

You want to buy
some Live Laugh Loofahs?

No. I want to rake my nails
across Chris's eyeballs

until blood spurts out of them
and I can drink it.

Okay.

I see you've reached catharsis.

Now you just need closure.

What I need is a straw
so I can drink

Chris's eyeball blood.

Okay, yeah, maybe I need
some closure.

Millicent, why are you
all dressed up

if you're just
gonna confront Derek?

Have you ever heard
of a revenge outfit?

The zipper got stuck.

What's lame?

Derek. Sit.

Ah.

Does anyone else
want to sit too?

- I'll stand, thanks.
- You do you.

I will do me, but not
because you told me to.

Did you say something
to your mom on the phone

about being nice so that
"she does whatever you say"?

- Yes, but I was...
- But, but, but, but, but!

I should have known better
than to fall for your tricks.

After all, I am human,
while you have

the emotional intelligence
of an energy drink.

Millicent, I was talking
about my puppy, Athena.

I've been having trouble
with her, but our trainer said

if we were nicer,
she would do whatever I say.

Oh...

But you made me do all the work.

I didn't make you. You offered.

Which makes sense, 'cause you're
really good at doing projects.

And I'm really good
at having cool haircuts.

I was just trying
to make you happy.

Aw.

Why would you want me
to be happy?

Because D-money loves her.

M&M, you're smart.
I think you know why.

Space Needle?
I'd like to book a wedding.

Christmas Eve, 2042.
I'll be paying in crypto...

She hung up.

My lil' Milli Van ill'
has a boyfriend.

Oh, wow, a boyfriend. Um...

When you say the word like that,

just out loud, you know,
with your mouth...

Catch me, dude.

- I'm gonna faint.
- Oh, I got you.

Got... there he is.

I'm ready for closure.
With my cathar-sisterhood.

I never should have
taught you that word.

Shut up, he's here.

Hello? I'm here for
the discount illegal fireworks.

Oh, Chris.

Chris, Chris, Chris.

Carly. I didn't know
you were into fireworks.

Want to go grab come M-80s
and piss off some dogs?

There are no fireworks, Chris.

It didn't tip you off

when Lakeisha the jazz singer
invited you

to the very warehouse
Fight Club was held in?

No.

All right, bye.

Kelly, get the door.

What, am I supposed
to be scared?

Okay, I'm scared.

You should be.

You hurt my feelings
when you took advantage

of my kindness, Chris.

You hurt 'em real bad.

I thought we were friends.
Friends, Chris.

Like the show.

What do I have to say
to make this stop?

Oh, you don't have
to say a word,

'cause we're gonna say 'em all.

Oh, okay. Is this a prank?
Where are the cameras?

Oh, no. This isn't a prank.

This is just for us.

And it's gonna be
healthy as hell.

You're up, Kelly.

Chris, because you exposed
Influencer Fight Club,

all of my sponsors dropped me.

I mean, I got new ones

and I actually
make more money now,

but you made me do paperwork.

Hey, Chris!

Influencer Fight Club
was the only thing

that brought me happiness
and you took that away from me.

Whose ass am I supposed
to kick now?

I think Chris's ass.

Right in the moneymaker!

Hope he still has
that hospital gown.

- Smackdown selfie?
- Oh, yeah!

You pranked him with a fake
fireworks sale? That's nothing.

Just let me have this.

Plus, your Pranks
Anonymous sponsor

said you shouldn't even
be talking about pranks.

I'm not! I'm talking about

other ways you could've
gotten closure.

Like putting clear nail polish
on his soap,

or replacing every book
in his apartment with Twilight,

or sending him a photo of me

licking all of his pens
two weeks earlier.

Oh, God, I've got a taste
and I need more.

I gotta prank! Hold me back!

It's not working!

- You're too small!
- I know!

- Get bigger!
- I can't!

Where's my pranking kit?

Ooh!

He hates these cans.