All language subtitles for iCarly 2021 S02E08 i’M A USA Bae

Why do so many shows
start with people

sitting on the couch talking?

I think it's just a nice way
to ease into the episode.

Presenting the greatest manager
of all time!

Man, do you know
how to enter a room.

Team, besties, familia,

could I ask you
a serious question?

When you woke up this morning,

did you think it was just
gonna be like an ordinary day,

or did you think
you would get news

that would change
your life forever?

Ordinary day, but I feel like
I was dead stupid wrong.

- You tell me.
- Oh, my God, Paul!

Yeah.

This can only mean
one of two things.

Either I'm pregnant
and didn't know it,

but somehow you do, and felt
this was an appropriate way

to reveal that, or...

I'm gonna be the next
USA Bae Doll.

You have been selected
as a USA Bae of Todae,

celebrating strong,
empowering people

from around the country.

Ha!
Oh, just to be clear,

I'm not pregnant, right?

- No.
- Whatever.

I'm gonna be a doll, bitches!

Yeah!

* I know you see *

* Somehow the world
will change for me *

* And be so wonderful *

* So wake up the members
of my nation *

* It's your time to be *

* There's no chance
unless you take one *

* And the time to see
the brighter side *

* Of every situation *

* Some things
are meant to be *

* So give me your best
and leave the rest to me **

Come on, open her up!

Aw, Millicent, you're even
more anxious than I am.

Relax. I need the box.

I have to make a diorama
for school.

What are we waiting for?

Pearl.
I texted to see if she's close.

She hasn't replied yet.

I'd text again,
but I don't wanna double-text.

Or, I guess technically,
it'd be...

...fourteen-uple text.

I wonder what profound things
my Bae is gonna have to say.

I remember
my first USA Bae, Gemma.

She would say things like...

"Girl power!"

And "London calling!"

She was from Nebraska,

but she went to England
for a couple weeks

and it became
her whole personality.

Pearl said, "Having fun

"with the girls,
so I'm gonna stay here.

- Tell Carly..."
- Ahh!

Don't wreck the box!

Oh.

She's great.
She's got huge... personality.

Yeah.

Two of 'em.

Hello, beautiful.

Spencer, it's me.

You're not that top-heavy.

Maybe she needs bigger feet.

Nothing needs to be bigger.

"Collect all five Baes.

"The Marine Biologist,
the Horror Novelist,

"the Neonatologist,
the Soccer Star, and...

...the Hot One."

I'm the Hot One?

Carly, don't make
snap judgments.

Just because someone
is beautiful

doesn't mean
they're not a role model.

Emily Ratajkowski
wrote a book.

"Meet Carly Shay,
super sexy influencer

who isn't afraid to turn
a profit by turning heads."

Likes give me purpose.

She doesn't sound
anything like me.

Yeah.

Selfies, or it didn't happen.

I'm sorry,
what'd you say, Carly?

"Accessories include
hand mirror,

"cell phone,
and second cell phone

with a ring light attached."

"Botox sold separately."

Okay, we still have time
to work on it, right?

I will call corporate
first thing tomorrow.

I don't have female friends,

'cause women
are too jealous of me.

I'm gonna call 'em right now.
Right now!

Huh, well, the three ball's
probably the easier shot.

Three is Pearl's lucky number.

But then the 11 could
set me up to run the table

and Pearl is the youngest
of 11 children...

Just hit the damn ball!

Sorry.
So, you miss Pearl, huh?

Is it that obvious?

No, I'm just more perceptive
than most.

Picking up
on little clues here and there.

I'm like that guy,
what's his name,

with the magnifying glass
and the Sherlock Holmes hat.

Carmen Sandiego.

Truth is, I'm starting to worry

that Pearl might be
losing interest in me.

Say no more.
I'm on it.

- Uh, no, no, no.
- Yeah, yeah, don't worry.

I got a guy.
His name is Sully.

He's real smart
and real tough.

He makes sons of bitches
look like real bastards.

That sounds bad.
Do not have him come here.

Oh, too late, he's in.

He's just gotta hop on
a flight from Barbados.

Oh, you know who's been
to Barbados?

- Oh, Pearl?
- Yeah.

No one cares.

Wow!

This place is so inclusive.

A bae for every bae,
as long as you're rich.

Harper, Carly,
this is my niece, Rose.

She's named after that plant
from The Bachelor.

- Hi!
- Aw! Hi, there, Rose.

Rose is a big fan of yours,
Carly, and the USA Bae dolls.

And James Corden.
She's a night owl.

Well, then you can be
our special expert

on how to make my doll
less offensive and terrible.

Okay!

I know these are for dolls,
but I could pull this off.

Oh, definitely.
I'm Byron.

Harper.
Tell me,

is there a Mrs. Handsome Man
With a Perfect Smile?

- There's not.
- Ooh, lucky me.

There he is,
Twinkle Dream Weaver

and Chief Am-bae-ssador
himself!

Hold on, Carly.

You don't think this man
works in a doll store?

No.

I actually don't know what
he does yet,

but in my mind,
he builds furniture,

rescues kittens, but where
he really makes his money

is writing erotic poetry.

- Am I close?
- I actually do work here.

Which some closed-minded people
have a problem with.

Oh, no, I am super open-minded!

I'm like a 7-Eleven.
They're open a lot, right?

- Mm-hmm.
- I love that you work here,

because I'm not the type
of person who would have

a problem with that--
not that I would have a problem

with the type of person
who had a problem with that.

Carly, you talk now.

Why?
You're crushing it.

I'm Carly Shay,
we spoke on the phone.

Oh, of course!

I'm sorry, you just look
so different from your doll.

Thank you.

Why don't you and I exit
the judgment zone?

Oh, no, no, no.
I'm super progressive!

I'll give anyone a chance.

I once dated
a puppeteer!

The Carly Bae
should be a representation

of me as a role model.

She doesn't lead
with her looks.

She should have
an understated grace.

Yes, and smaller...
personality.

Or at least bigger feet.

Got it.
This is all super helpful.

I promise, by launch day,
your doll will be much better.

I really think my Bae
could be the best one ever.

I have lots of female friends

who are also cats.

Oh, good.
She's a feminist.

I like her.
She's relatable.

She has the eyes
of a hitchhiking ghost.

Well, where's Rose?

Why don't we ask her
what she thinks of her?

Last time I saw her,
she was getting dental X-rays

from Isla, the Orthodontist Bae.

Look, that other doll
wasn't a role model.

But this Carly could be.

It's just important to me that
the focus isn't on her looks.

Okay, but what--
what is the focus on?

'Cause she literally looks
out of focus.

I'm sorry.
If this is the doll you want,

I do support you.
I just...

Concerts are too loud.

We're only given
one set of ears, Paul.

Sully!

Thanks for coming
on such short notice.

You look good.

Island life has been
treating you well.

Now, the reason I asked you
to come here today

is because my buddy Freddie
has been having girl trouble.

I told you about Freddie, right?

Yeah, he smells a little
like cucumber salad, exactly.

Anyway, here's the mark.

This is Pearl.

I agree, she's a little
out of his league.

But she and Freddie
have been drifting apart lately,

and we gotta find a way
to reignite their passion.

You smell cucumbers?

Of course, there he is.

I knew it was gonna be a monkey.

Freddie, have a seat.

We gotta hammer out
this plan.

And we gotta do it quickly.

Sully's jet-lagged.

I can't believe
I'm putting my relationship

in the hands of you
and a monkey.

A very cute monkey,
but still.

Ah!

Sorry, he doesn't like
being called cute.

He thinks it
makes him seem weak.

He weighs like six pounds!

Yeah, but it's all muscle.

Anyway, here's the play,
we're gonna do what we did

for my buddy Victor
in Albuquerque.

What was that called?

That's right, the Flip Wilson.
We'll do that.

Oh, no, you're right,

we don't have a hotdog cart.

What do you got?

Your diaper?
Yes, of course!

We do the Baby Huey.

The hell
is the Baby Huey?

Well, it's right there
in the title.

Sully pretends to be a baby,

I drop him off
at your doorstep

so you and Pearl
can take care of him.

I read somewhere
that 90% of babies

are born to save marriages.

But 100% of those couples
break up.

I didn't finish the article.
Anyway, you got a better idea?

Can't believe
I'm saying this... but no.

Yeah!

Yeah.
There you go.

Yeah.

Now, remember,
when we see Byron,

just like we practiced.

Gee, lady, thanks for opening
my perspective!

You're at an 11,
I need you at a six.

Hello, child.
Bae I be of assistance?

Byron, hi!

I was just helping
this young person

realize the importance
of not being so focused

on the dolls' occupations.

Gee, lady, thanks for opening

my perspective.

Aw, run along, random youth.

That was a three
and you know it.

Byron, I'm sorry
for judging you.

Honestly, it was
a split-second mistake

and really unlike me.

If you're still interested,
I'd love to get lunch sometime.

I'd like that.

How about later today
at the Caf-Bae?

I get 20% off
pre-packaged snacks.

You mean that area
filled with dolls

being served food
they can't eat?

Oh, is that
not fancy enough for you?

What, should we go get lunch
at the bank?

No, no, no,
the Caf-Bae is perfect.

Ooh, Bae-tastic.

Oh, just a heads-up,
the hummus tray

doesn't count as pre-packaged.

It's kind of a gray area,
but rules are rules.

So, Rose,
you're the USA Bae expert.

Yeah, I like them
'cause they're pretty.

So, what do you think
about that one?

She's not pretty.

Wow, way to tear down
other women.

Here, pull her string
and watch her come to life.

It's fine.

I'll eat it like this.

She's relatable.

- Her clothes don't fit.
- But she's smart.

She looks tired.

Well, we can't all take
two naps a day, Rose.

Sorry.

What I mean is,

this doll can be whatever
you want her to be.

Can she be...

somewhere else?

Go get fitted
for a night guard with Isla.

Yay!

Carly, good news has arrived
in the form of me.

Oh, I could use some good news.

And some money.
These waters were $42.

Okay, so the prototype
wasn't a prototype.

They mass-produced
the Hot Carly Bae

and sent you one
assuming you'd love it.

Apparently,
they've never had a Bae

give negative feedback before.

Great, so now
I'm not just the boring bae,

I'm also the difficult bae.
I'm the Anne Hatha-bae.

I know you, Carly.
You want a doll

that those little kids
out there will cherish.

So, I'm just presenting
your options.

The first one,
or the boring one, you know?

But I'll support
whichever you choose,

even if it's the dead-eyed one
that no one would look at,

let alone give to a child.

All right,
let me get out of your hair

so you can decide
which one to sell.

The Hot One,
for instance.

Do the Hot One!

Sorry, allergies.

- Can you get the door?
- But you're right there.

I know, but I just
put all this lotion

on my hands, so, I can't...

Okay.

Hi!

Aw, what's that?

"My name is Sully.
I've been abandoned.

"Looking for a really
committed couple

"who's kind and generous,
and hasn't shared a meal

in over a week."

- Oh, my God.
- Aw!

Someone just left him
on our doorstep.

That is crazy.
Isn't that crazy?

It's not crazy.
It's bananas.

Well, I think we should
keep him, the two of us.

You know, it's a big
responsibility.

We're gonna have to spend
a lot more time together

at home, and not at work,

or out getting drinks
with friends.

Absolutely.
He needs us.

Do you think he's hungry?

Hey, you want
something to eat?

Oh, no, no, no.
That's Daddy's drink.

Okay.

Give-- can...

No, Sully, give the bottle
to Mommy.

Oh, my God, he loves you.

Spencer was right.

You're the best there is.

Aw.

Family hug.

Sully, you're so cute.

- Ow!
- Sully!

Stop it!
No, you get down.

I don't know
what set him off.

He doesn't like
to be called cute...

- is my guess.
- Oh.

I-I don't think it's safe for me

to be in your apartment
with this monkey.

- Let's just get rid of him.
- Oh, no, no.

We can't do that to him.

Okay, I-- I'll just leave.

You just wanna watch

the world burn,
don't you, Sully?

Girls, this is a nightmare.

What am I gonna do?

Every flower is going to die.

You know,
you're a real tough hang.

Let's get va-jazzled!

This is why you don't have
any female friends.

Carly, there you are.
I need advice.

Okay, but I need yours first.

Those kids out there
are gonna eat me alive

if I don't give 'em
one of these dolls.

But how can I pick one
when they're both so wrong?

Well, how could they be right?

None of these people
really know you.

They're just judging you
at the surface.

Because...
that's what we all do.

- So, what do I do?
- Shh, having an epiphany.

So, Byron loves his job.

So do I!

So, it's very likely
he sleeps with a doll.

I can work with that.

Thank you, Carly.

Hey!

What about my thing?

Carly, you gotta make
a decision

or we're gonna have
to call this whole thing off.

We can do that?
Well, let's just do that!

No, no, no.
No, no, no.

No, you'll owe them
a crap ton of money.

Plus, I already spent my cut
on a Moroccan coffee table.

It's on the boat.
You have to choose.

I don't know what to do.

Look, come on.

If we put our heads together,
we can figure this out.

- You just solved it!
- You bet I did.

What exactly did I do?

- You solved it.
- You bet I did.

Thank you, Soccer Mary.

You did a wonderful job
fielding those questions.

Will somebody let this man
host the Oscars, okay?

I hate seeing you like this.

And that brings us
to our final USA Bae of Todae.

Carly Shay, the...

Did we ever land
on your personality?

- We did not.
- Okay.

- Thank you, Byron.
- Yes, thank you, Byron.

I am honored
to be here today.

But unfortunately,
the designers weren't able

to capture who I am.

Because all any person is
cannot be represented

by just one doll.

But we can start
to get there...

with two.

Oh!

This is Albuquerque
all over again!

At least this time,
no one died.

What was I thinking?

I should have never agreed
to use a monkey

- to save my relationship.
- Excuse me?

What do you mean,
save your relationship?

Uh... Sully and I have
a backgammon game to finish.

Hey.
What are you talking about?

Look, it's just, you and I

haven't been spending
as much time together lately.

And I was starting to worry

that maybe you were losing
interest in me.

So, Spencer got us
a monkey to take care of

because he thought it would
bring us closer together?

Uh, yeah.

I really thought I was gonna
have to explain more.

Actually, not such a bad idea.

Thank you!

You know, Freddie,
in all my past relationships,

I always went too fast.

I just didn't wanna mess
things up with you,

so I've been taking it slow.

Oh, my God,
I take things too fast, too.

Normally at this stage of
a relationship, I'd be married.

You haven't even met
my parents yet.

You've met my parents,
haven't you?

It was a casual brunch.

And then two dinners.

Damn it!
How did you win already?

I'll tell you how.
You cheated!

Don't think I've forgotten
how you got us into trouble

at that monkey brothel
in the Maldives.

Just take it.

Yeah, gloat.

Well, I thought it was just
gonna be the two of us.

Told you she wouldn't like you

- being here.
- Oh, no!

No, I'm a real girls' girl.

So, did I tell you
I'm a stylist?

Fun idea alert!

Pick a year
from 1743 until now,

and I'll give you
all the names

of every Bae that year.

Maybe we could talk about
something other than work.

- Tell me about your family.
- The dolls are my family.

And they're not wild
about your questions.

Byron, I'm about to get up
and walk away from you forever.

But before I do,
I need you to know

that it's not because you work
in a doll store.

It's not even because
you work in a doll store

and you're incredibly creepy
about it.

It's because you have shown
no interest in me whatsoever,

and I'm awesome.

Girl power!

Gemma, Nebraska, 1997.

Maybe we can push it
as one of those

"it's so ugly,
it's cute" things.

It works for pugs.

Hey, you really gotta run
this stuff by me.

You know you pay me, right?

I just wanted
to be a role model.

You are.

I mean, all these kids
are here for you.

And like I said before,

I'll support whatever
you want to do.

You know, you want me
to push this horror show?

We sold a lot worse
on Italian QVC.

You remember the egg coat?

It literally cooked eggs
in the sleeve.

No, kids do not want this doll.

No, they want the hot doll.

But I know that's not you.

Well, maybe it doesn't
have to be me.

Everyone, enjoy this
nameless doll that isn't me!

But she's sexy
and an entrepreneur,

and you can be, too!

Emily Ratajkowski
wrote a book.

Will you accept this, Rose?

So pretty!

Well, good news, I got your name
taken off every doll.

You won't earn a single cent,

which means I won't earn
a single cent.

Integrity! It's great.

You are no longer a USA Bae.

Look, I'm really sorry

that you have to send your
coffee table back to Morocco.

It's fine.
No, it's just that thing

was really gonna bring
my living room together.

But, glad you feel good
about your decision.

When I grow up, I wanna turn
a profit by turning heads.

Yep. Great.

I need this monster in my life.

Sully, I thought you had

that early morning flight
to Luxembourg.

He has some
unfinished business.

He always does.

Hey, can you get us
some popsicles?

Yeah, but there's only
one grape one left,

and you know
Spencer's gonna be...

And now, his business
is finished.

* *

Ooh!

He hates these cans.