All language subtitles for Bastards.Road.2020.1080p.WEBRip.DD5.1.x264-ROCCaT

Burn my face off.

Definitely shortened
up the beard hair.

Is that what you replay
a lot in your mind,

is that kid?

Yeah, yeah, I replay that a lot,

'cause it's... It's
slow motion for me.

Um,

like, I remember thinking,

like, when it happened,

like, I was pulling the
trigger on those fucking 203s,

and I was just launching
203s 'cause the snipers

were telling me that they
couldn't hit the shot,

but they needed an
indirect fire weapon

into the courtyard of
this... Of this house,

and so I was throwing
203 after 203

into this courtyard,
and guys were screaming

all over the place, like,
"Yeah, yeah, fuck yeah!"

And then, I remember
pulling a shot,

and yeah... And you
can see a 203 grenade

going through the air,
you can watch it go.

You can watch it from
the time it ejects

all the way to the
time it impacts.

- Yeah.
- It's an indirect fire weapon,

so it goes, "Ahh,"
it comes down.

- Right.
- And uh...

And I watched it...
I watched it happen,

and uh...

And I don't... like, it...

I don't know, man, it...

It was so slow.

It just hung in the
air for fucking ever,

and, like, as it was
hanging in the air, like,

I see this...

This kid, like, running

across this field,

and it just...

It just impacted, like,
right at his feet,

like, as he was
running, and just,

Gone.

We had lost so many
guys over the course

of a seven-month deployment,

and this was our entire, like,

you know, kinda get...

Get right with yourself brief,
and the chaplain walked in

and said, "Let's
list all the names

of all the guys that died."

So, we listed all the names
of all the guys that died,

and that was it, and
he was like, "Okay,

class over," like,
"Hope everybody's okay,"

like, "Remember
that they served."

Like, we didn't know
how to deal with that

because we're all
coming back from it,

and everybody was just kind
of... Everybody just wanted

to go home and
drink booze, and...

You know, as soon as we got home

and people started
drinking booze,

you started seeing
emotions coming out,

and it was... you know,
guys were getting drunk,

hell, me included, we
were getting drunk,

and you'd be at a bar, and
just start fucking crying,

and you're with a guy or two
and you're telling stories,

the next thing you know,
you're fucking crying.

♪

My thoughts always
went back to 2/4,

when I got out,

and it did make me feel alone,

and I felt like I
wasn't good enough

to talk to those guys anymore.

♪

I would see videos
and photos of people

being just happy, and
houses are going up,

and babies are on the
way, and marriages are,

you know, 5, 10 years strong,

and things are going
well for a lot of guys,

and it really felt hard to
try to contact some of them,

and be like, "Hey, man, I'm...

I'm not doing hot."

And, like, you try not
to be a wimp about it,

'cause it's... it's...
You gotta keep going.

But, there's a lot of
time where you sit there

and think about a lot of
the shit that you did,

and there's no one
you can relate to,

because you scatter
to the winds,

you go back to this world,

and you don't necessarily

find the best ways
to deal with it.

And so, instead, isolation
becomes an easy thing,

easy.

♪

When you transition,

you're kind of out on an island.

Part of being in
a warrior culture

is this ideal of strength,

and anything viewed
as less than strength

is a weakness.

If someone has viewed themselves

as a strong team member,

then I imagine the
question gets asked,

"Am I the weakest
link in that chain?

And if I am, I can't look
those other guys in the face

because I'm different now,

and I don't belong,
I don't deserve it."

♪

Yesterday I had kind of
an interesting run-in

with the law.

Went and harbored up at a
site I thought was okay,

then a guy I guess
came by, saw me there,

so he called the cops.

So, the cops came
by, said, "Hey,

the owner of the land
doesn't want you here."

I said, "No problem,
I'll move on."

He said, "If you just move
about a half mile down,

you'll be good," and I was
like, "Oh, okay, cool."

And then, we got into
a discussion about

why I was doing
this and whatnot.

I guess the cop called him back
and said, "Hey, no worries,

just to let you know,
like, he's gone."

And, uh, I guess the cop and
the owner started talking

about what I was doing, and uh,

the owner of the land

came rushing back
out to where I was,

stopped me on the road
and said, "Hey, man,

anybody that served our
country is more than welcome

to stay on my land for
as long as they want,

and thank you for your service."

I thought that was pretty
cool, but I was already

down the road a little bit,
so I found a new harbor site

and camped there.

Got blisters the size
of silver dollars

on top of blisters the
size of my entire foot.

But, that doesn't matter.

You just lance 'em, and
pack 'em full of powder,

and keep pushing
through the pain,

'cause as much as that
physical pain is there,

uh, I know a lot of our
brothers are dealing with

emotional stress
and emotional pain.

Like Gold Star families are
dealing with emotional pain

that far surpasses
that of my feet.

So, I'll keep walking.

See you guys soon.

The night before the
walk I couldn't sleep.

I was so damn excited to go,

so I just left in the
middle of the night.

♪

The goal was to get to
Camp Pendleton, California,

but it wasn't a straight shot.

Got a lot of people to see,
brothers and Gold Star families,

and I actually ended
up walking north

even though my first direction
was to head south to Florida.

♪

I sold absolutely
everything I owned.

If it could get me
a dollar, I sold it.

♪

It was heavy.

It was really heavy.

♪

I was scared, and uh,

that was a big piece
of the first night,

was, like, constant
questioning of myself, like,

"Why are you doing this? Are
you sure you wanna do this?"

Like, "It's 3:00
in the morning now,

you've been walking for an
hour, like, are you sure

you really wanna do this?"

♪

Coming out of the Marine
Corps was not as I had

suspected it would be.

♪

They lose part of themselves
when they go to war,

and we just hope
that we can help them

get all those pieces
and parts back together.

♪

Jonathan was a sweet kid,

and very tender hearted,

and feelings were hurt easily.

But, he was obstinate, you
know, if you told him one thing,

he would do the other.

There was one year in high
school where that child

was grounded for just about
every day of the year.

My pops was the
executive officer

on a submarine, and he
was constantly gone.

I think there was one year he
spent almost 300 days at sea.

Crazy amounts of time
that my mom running,

you know, these two
boys in the house

that are just railroading her.

♪

Yeah, I don't think he
was out of high school

a week, 10 days,
he was on the bus.

On the bus, and on the airplane,
then the bus to Paris Island.

♪

I wasn't happy with who
I was in high school.

I think ultimately
the basic level

of why everyone joins

is to change something
about themselves.

♪

Hey, uh, what I need you
to do, I'm pulling back

leaving three right now...

How fucking rude.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Go, go, go.

Yeah.

April 6th, first time I ever
fired my weapon in combat.

First time I've ever
really been in combat.

We never... all
we did was train.

And they were literally

from me to you.

Four of 'em ran up
around the corner

and my buddy and I
just stopped that

right then and there, and...

They were on the ground.

And he says, "They're
still moving."

So, I shot 'em in the head.

Stopped that, and then,

moved, and then we just...

There was people everywhere,
everybody surrounded

just two of us.

And then, six others

about maybe less than
football field length away,

and then two others
all by themselves

somewhere else.

And it was up close
and it was personal.

It was a fight, it
was a fucking fight.

♪

When you take a life,
that last little bit

of innocence is lost, and uh,

in the heat of the
moment it feels fine,

because you've dehumanized
the enemy enough

to the point where
they're not even human,

they don't have a... They
don't have a wife or a kid,

or anything else, they're
just pieces of shit,

and you're gonna
just wax all of them.

And that's the way to do it,
the dehumanization of the enemy

needs to happen.

Combat will take that
last little piece,

that piece that you
thought as a kid,

"The world is kind
of an okay place,

and not everybody's bad."

Combat takes that from you,
and you'll never get that back.

Spread out, squalors,
spread 'em out!

The most lethal experience
in Iraq was Ramadi.

Not Fallujah, not Al Qunun,

not Baghdad.

And so, we didn't have tanks,

we did not have artillery,
and we did not have airplanes,

because we didn't
wanna break the thing

that we were trying to save.

And so, combat was carried out

by two sides, two groups of men,

armed almost exactly the same.

♪

We're fighting Ramadi, you
know, the enemy, you know,

they don't wear
uniforms, we don't know

what they look like, they
look like anybody else,

and on top of that, you
know, the area's populated.

You've got, you know,
women, children,

everybody's there in
the mix of everything,

and just always a
confusion of, you know,

civilians, you know,
who's innocent, who's not.

The enemy can be anybody.

♪

Get down!

Woo, yeah!

Go, go, go, go.

I kinda just figured
that I was gonna die.

When you're there, it seems
kinda like a cliché thing,

but no shit, like,
I was more concerned

about those idiots
over there than myself,

you know what I mean,
like, I wanted to do

the best job that I could to
make sure they all got home

to their families.

In the beginning,
it feels surreal.

There's just a minute where
it's almost slow motion,

it doesn't feel like
it's happening to you.

Thinking about sitting
down and talking to you

the first time I was just,
like, I didn't even know

if I could do that, 'cause
it's so hard to describe.

I mean, I... I'm
struggling with it now.

♪

I think Jonathan was
walking down past AP Hill

and he called me.

He goes, "Mom, I don't
know what I'm doing."

I don't know why I'm doing
it, whom I'm doing it for.

Is it for me, is it
for anybody else?

You know, I just... I
just feel like I should...

"You know, I should quit."

He was so upset.

He was... he was so lost.

She was like, "I can come
pick you up right now,"

'cause what took me
two weeks to walk,

she could come get me in
about, oh, three hours.

He was just in tears,
just in absolute tears,

and my heart just
wrenched, and I was like,

"If that's what you wanna do,
if you wanna come back home,

I will pick you
up this evening."

I said, "Or if you want, you
can go to Virginia Beach,

you know, be with your guys,
and then go on from there."

And I said, "Jonathan," I
said, "This is your walk."

It is what you will make it.

♪

♪

There's just not much great
that happened over there,

and it kinda sucks.

I mean, there is,
but I can't see it.

All I see is

the death, and I just
bring it out in anger

and sadness.

♪

There's many days I
don't even get dressed.

Some days I don't
even brush my teeth,

I'm just so

given up on life at times.

I mean, it just takes
your will to fight.

♪

I go to sleep thinking
about people I shot,

or screaming friends,

and with that
exactly on my mind,

as soon as I'm still laying
in bed trying to roll out,

I'm just thinking
about dead friends,

or death.

It's just death 24-7.

♪

And it's weird, I think
more about death than life

and living.

Can't figure that one out.

♪

- Yeah.
- Oh, shit.

- Oh, man.
- I had a big dick...

Well, let me... Let
me finish speaking.

"I had... I had a big dick."

I had a big dick drawn...

- It was spray paint.
- All right, there we go.

- This can we show?
- I had a big dick once.

Um, yeah, as we were
going into Kuwait,

I had a big old
dick drawn on me...

- Did you?
- With spray paint.

- Nice.
- And then, "69" or something

on me in spray paint, and
walking into the showers

in Kuwait, all
these army people,

there's a bunch of spray
painted dicks on me,

and they're like,
"What the fuck's wrong

with you guys? Like, there's
something fucking wrong

with all of you."

And we're just like,
"Hey, go fuck yourselves."

Marines get together and show
each other their penises.

- It's weird.
- It is very weird.

We do that so often.

Like, why is that
part of this culture?

How did it begin,
and how do we end it?

Honestly, like, yeah,
right, how do we...?

How do we quit that?

That place was interesting.

That place... that place
was very interesting.

Why are we in this
fucking place again?

- Everybody's killing us.
- Everybody's fucking killing us.

It is crazy.

- What are we doing here?
- We need...

Just give me 10 minutes, guys,
I need to fucking breathe.

I need to go jerk off
in the port-o-shitter

and fucking align my qi.

- Yeah.
- A lot of

- interesting times there.
- I learned a lot.

Yeah, I learned a shit load

about a whole lot of things
that I didn't really know

that I needed to know.

So far nothing has
helped in the real world.

Right.

It's like, if I do any
of what I learned there,

I go to jail for a long time.

Not sure I want to enjoy that.

So, I get to be pissed off
and not do anything about it

- for the rest of my life?
- Great.

That kinda sucks.

- Ugh.
- That's why walking's kinda

- been a cool thing for me.
- Yeah.

Just allows you to be
in those memories and...

But you're still
pushing through 'em,

and you're actively walking
so you're expending energy

in a... you know,
with a goal in mind,

and you get to think
about those memories,

but you also get to come
to, like, places like this,

and come to other people
and create new memories.

And that's where it's at for me.

- Fuck yeah.
- Like, I got all

the old memories, I got 'em.

Doesn't mean that they're bad,

but you give 'em so
much due diligence

that at the end of the day
you're like, "Fuck, man,

like, all I think
about is the bad shit."

Yes.

You think you, like, hold out

from actively doing
the work on yourself

because sometimes
beating yourself up

- feels fucking good?
- It does.

I thrive under stress and pain.

That's how the Marine
Corps taught you to live,

so when things are
going smoothly,

it doesn't feel normal,

and even though
that would be great,

but yeah, I think I
tend to beat myself up

just because I need to feel

- glutton for punishment.
- Right, yeah, you're like,

"Fuck it, I need to... Oh,
this shit's going okay?

I need to screw something up."

- Yeah.
- "I need to throw a wrench

in this system right now."

"I'm having a great day,
let me beep at this person

to piss him off to
get me pissed off."

- That's... yeah.
- "So, fucking ruin it all."

Absolutely.

♪

I know I should have
spoken to people

a long, long time ago.

♪

I may never figure it out.

I hope I do, I really do,

or else I'm gonna
have a wasted life.

So, I gotta figure it
out, like, really soon.

♪

And once I do, I'm
gonna feel great.

I'm gonna feel great,

'cause I'm pretty
sure he's feeling

pretty great right now.

You know, sometimes you...
You just don't wanna

upset somebody else
with your own bullshit.

You know, it's not
bullshit, but, you know,

I sit back and go,
"Well, you know,

What if they're not
willing or not...?"

They're always
willing, you know,

"What if I put
them in a bad place

just from talking?"

And you know, that
thought's there,

and it's real, but it's stupid,

because they're gonna
say, "Just call, shut up,

and just call."

I know, but don't all
and fucking get in this

doom and gloom shit.

Life sucks, man, it's hard.

But, we keep doing it.

I love you, too, I'll
talk to you soon.

I'll see you in California in
fucking December, motherfucka.

- All right.
- Hell yeah.

Hey, uh, call me...
Call me tomorrow

let me know
everything's cool, okay?

- All right.
- All right, brother.

Bye.

- He's having a tough night.
- Who's that?

Uh, Trevor Croswell.

He wants to be a dad and...

And just, you know, I mean,
sometimes life gets to people,

and it just...
Just hits 'em hard,

and they try to... They
try to navigate it, man,

and like, you know,
I'm glad that...

I'm glad that he reached
out versus just sitting

in the dark sulking.

You know, the funny thing is
I heard a bunch of years ago,

it's like, if everybody
sit in the circle

and threw their
problems in the center

so they were all open
and out in the open

and you knew what
everybody's problems were,

you'd want your problems back.

It's just one of those things
you had to be there for.

You... you see that number
and you gotta answer it.

It's not... there's no
if, ands, ors about it.

You see a phone call from
a Marine Corps brother,

you answer the
phone, and you say,

"Hey, I'm gonna
be there for you,

and then through thick
and thin, I'm there."

This is a brotherhood that no...
People don't even understand.

You know, if you're a
veteran and it's hurtin',

you know, you fought with
some of your brothers.

You know, call 'em.

You know, this guy's
not doing so well,

is there anyone near by
that maybe can go have

a fucking steak with them
or something, you know.

Look, suicide is
an important thing.

Maybe there needs
to be more shrinks.

There's suicide hotlines,
I'm your suicide hotline.

♪

You know, guys from other
company I didn't know,

and you're hearing that they
fucking offed themselves,

and like, obviously you
can't fucking, uh...

Obviously you can't
fucking help those guys

'cause you don't
know 'em, you know.

It just sucks to hear
about it, but you know,

the fucking pain for those
guys doesn't go away.

It's just transferred to
fucking everybody else.

That shit is so fucking selfish.

Just fucking answer
the goddamn phone, man,

or reach out if you're having
a fucking tough go at it.

We've all been there.

It's not a fucking
sign of weakness

to pick up your phone,
and just be like,

"Hey, man, I'm
having a hard time."

You know?

It's fucking... that's strength.

That's fucking strength.

♪

Man, after I started this walk,

a guy that I've never met before

who was dealing with some
really hardcore things,

he, uh... he lost that battle.

So, I met that family,

and just immediately
fell in love with 'em.

The mom's just too sweet.

So, bottom line is...

Is she asked me if I
would wear his shoes,

and I was in need of
a new pair of shoes,

and uh, man, I said, "Hell yeah,

if they fit, I'll
totally rock these."

So, I've been walking
with Mikey Simon's boots.

So, he's gonna carry me
all the way to the end

in Pendleton.

♪ Life flag down,
act like a fool ♪

♪ Imagine me, now imagine you ♪

♪ Racing hearts be criminal ♪

♪ What are we, just animal ♪

♪ When the lights go down
and there's only shadows ♪

♪ And the chaos forms in
the depths of your bones ♪

♪ Lonely hearts ♪

♪ Breed lonely souls ♪

♪ Look for me like
you did before ♪

♪ And I'll find my way
through the broken door ♪

♪ 'Cause no one knows ♪

♪ This heavy toll ♪

♪ Hey, carry me through
these lonely days ♪

♪ Carry me through ♪

♪

♪ Hey, carry me through
these lonely days ♪

♪ Carry me through ♪

♪

♪ Yeah, you carry me
through these lonely days ♪

♪ You carry me through ♪

♪

Remember, don't fear
noises in the night,

because things
that wanna kill you

will stalk you silently,
have a good day.

So, everybody's posted videos

of summer

and fucking sun,

and I'm over here, like...

Son of a bitch.

I pull into a gas
station, and uh,

feet are kinda
thrashed, so I walk in

and grab myself a Gatorade

and some Gummy Bears,

and there's a dude behind me

that gets in line
in front of me,

and I'm like, "Hey,
bro, I was in line."

And he says, uh,

"How are you gonna
pay for that?"

I was like, "How am I
gonna pay for what?"

He said, "How are you
gonna pay for this...

How are you gonna pay for this?

Homeless people don't
have any money."

Lot of, uh... Lot
of reflection today.

Have a good day.

Ah, dude, I missed the
shit out of you, brother.

- Fuck yeah.
- How you been?

Good, bro, good, just doing
it, you know what I mean?

Good, hell yeah.

Getting a little red
in the face in the sun.

I know it, dude, I
know it, I know it.

Hi, guys, how are you? I'm Jon.

- Hi.
- Name's Michael.

Hi, Michael, Michael,
you look beautiful.

Get down.

I remember the shock that
it all just happened,

and it took a while
for it to set in, like,

if me and Powers are
gonna switch, like,

you know, would it
have been me, or what?

- Right?
- It's...

That's the hardest one I fucking
think about all the time.

Yeah, we had to put
you guys to bed, man.

We were like, "Go
home, go home."

You guys relieved us, we
went back to Snake Pit

and everyone back, and
I listened to that song.

- "Bro Hymn" from Pennywise.
- Yeah, yeah.

I... it took me,

fuck, almost 10 years
to be able to sit down

- and listen to that song.
- Listen to that song, yeah.

'Cause any time that song
would come on, I'd start crying

and I'd fucking get
violent as fuck.

Yeah, dude.

There it is, that's
the view of the ghetto

from the Snake Pit.

Fuckin' right.

When I got out of
the Marine Corps,

I moved into here,

and like, I was going to the VA,
and the only thing they wanna do

- is give me pills.
- That's it, that's it.

I didn't want their
pills, I wanted help,

and they just kept trying to
give me pills, give me pills,

give me pills, and
fucking finally I had

the "fuck you" match
with the wizard up there,

- and never went back.
- Right.

Then, I just... I
started drinking a lot.

A lot, a lot, and I was
kinda going nowhere.

Then, a buddy hooked
me up with a job,

but there was no...
It was a good job,

I mean, it was a
great job, good money.

- Right.
- But, it just wasn't for me.

It's like, I spent
my youth overseas,

so now I'm trying to
do my college days.

- Well, I'm not 18, I'm 23.
- Right.

You know what I mean, so
I... Four or five year party

and just kept going, and
got deeper in the bottle,

and there was a few
times where, like,

you were talking
about the pills,

there was a few
times I had pistols

and all this other shit
around, and I was like,

"Ah, I could eat this."

Now, I get a phone call that
someone else had did it,

and it's... it would hurt more,

and it was one of those
like, "I can't do that shit,"

you know what I mean,
like, fuck that.

- Yeah.
- I'm not gonna be a statistic.

I didn't realize what
he had actually...

What you guys had
actually, like...

She thought I was
always an asshole.

No, no, no.

But, I didn't... I
had never fathomed,

like, what it actually...
Like, what you guys

actually went through,
what actually happened,

and then watching the news
and they explained it, like...

I was like, "Holy shit."

It was a lot worse
than he had let on.

- You know?
- Sure.

'Cause I mean, like I told
you, he doesn't really...

- Right.
- Talk about it.

Another day anyways.

- Wow.
- Semper Fidelis.

Thank you, and thank you.

Always faithful, always.

♪

Not one guy came home
from Ramadi unchanged,

unscathed, unscarred.

I left and went to a new field

that delved me deeper into
the world of the enemy,

and I learned about them.

I fought them on an intellectual

and physical level.

That changed me even more.

♪

I think that a lot
of what Jon did

in the part of his career
where he was an interrogator

probably made that
PTSD a lot worse,

because he had to
compartmentalize it

and shove those emotions
away for so long,

and in such a
disciplined fashion.

You can only do that to
the human psyche so much

before things start
going haywire.

Having served with both
Jon and Robin in CI,

at the other side of the
table as a clinician,

I can understand how people
that have experienced

what they experienced
in the military

would be reluctant
to tell somebody

that's a civilian, because
they don't feel like

they would understand
the context.

You're raiding torture houses,

and you're investigating
kidnappings,

and you're stopping cells from
putting bombs in the roads,

and stopping sniper
cells, and on top of that

you do interrogations,
and you're just

sucking them dry.

You're a thing, you're
a fucking monster.

You're a force of something

that is about to rip
something else open

and leave it there
just in a puddle,

because you need all
of what they have,

and you've gotta figure
out how to get it.

You becoming a person
who has a lot of skills,

and you do have a predisposition
for using them in abusive ways,

and that... I wouldn't say
that gives you a God complex,

but it does... It does
give you the sense

of superiority and advantage,

and whether that's
real or imagined

I don't think really
matters, 'cause if you think

you're better then you
think you're better,

and you're gonna act
like that, right?

Or if you think you know
more, you think you know

how to argue better,
you think you can

get what you want
out of someone.

Just 'cause you can get what
you want out of a terrorist,

doesn't mean you can get what
you want out of your spouse.

I'd gone from doing some
of the spookiest shit

that I've ever done,
and then within a week

I was sitting down
at a college class

that I was already
two weeks late for.

His first year, he
set the world on fire

at University of
Maryland, did a great job.

He looked great, and he was
ready to take on the world.

And you know, you go to school
with a bunch of 18 year olds,

and all they wanna know is,
"How many people did you kill?"

He is very smart and talented.

Nobody can deny that,

but at some point

I think that other
side took over.

♪

♪

When I came home in
2010, I was at UMD

and I was studying
Arabic and Russian.

Quickly the floodgates opened,

and these memories from all
of these different deployments

and these different worlds
that I was in just came back,

and I didn't have any control
over where my mind was going,

or what I was thinking
about, or how I was

getting to those memories,

and I couldn't stop
them from happening.

I was very angry very quickly.

It just kept happening,
more, and more,

and more memories.

There's many loud moments
all over the fucking place,

and I'm trying to do my best

to figure it the fuck out.

I can't figure it out.

You never get any sleep,
I try to get sleep,

I can't get sleep,
I drink to sleep.

I'm no longer in school
because I'd rather drink,

because now the
memories are so bad

that all I'm doing is
drinking to quell them,

instead of even
trying to do anything,

and then, you know, years later,

now I'm drinking to
watch homecomings

of people, and now
I'm thinking back

to homecomings of guys that
never got to come home,

and now I'm even more depressed,
and so I'm drinking even more.

♪

Jon was always getting into
some kind of altercation,

and they was always like,
"Dude, what's going on?"

He's like, "Ha,
got into a fight.

Some jackass tried to
jump me," or you know,

"Some jackass rear-ended me,"

or something, there
was always something.

♪

When I first met Jon,
we got in a fight,

and I'm a big guy, I'm
6' 3", I'm 330 pounds.

I'm not scared of any
man in this world,

but when someone looks
at you and you can tell,

like, "I have no
fear for myself."

Like, that's... That's
a humbling thing.

To look at somebody like
that, it's just like,

"You really don't
care if I hurt you."

Like, that's almost
something that you need,

like he wanted it to happen.

I remember there was
one night, and this was

a couple years later actually,
and we're driving home,

and he's like, "Fuck it, you
feel like dying tonight?"

Kinda looked at him like
joking, I was like, "What?"

He's like laughing and joking,
and I'm like, "Yeah, bro,

I'm with you no matter
what, I'll ride until

the wheels fall off."

He's like, "All right,
fuck it, we're going 120."

And he looks over
at me and smiles.

That was petrifying.

You know, he was... that's
the... That... in that state

where he was at his
worst, that was him.

♪

He was not like that before,

and whenever he
was at his worst,

he wasn't in touch with me,

and that just goes to show that,

I mean, he kept the ones
that were close to him...

He closed them out.

♪

♪

♪ They say I'm too late ♪

♪ Got nothing in my brain ♪

♪ That's what people say ♪

♪ That's what people say ♪

♪ I go on too many dates ♪

♪ But I can't make 'em stay ♪

♪ That's what
people say, mm, mm ♪

♪

♪ But I keep cruising ♪

♪ Can't stop,
won't stop moving ♪

♪ It's like I got this music ♪

♪ In my mind saying it's
gonna be all right ♪

So, I woke up this
morning to this skunk,

and her little
fucking skunk babies,

and they just stared at me.

And then, the mother
kinda turned around,

and I was like,
"Oh, no, no, no!"

So, I jumped back in my
tent and just kinda screamed

and yelled, and they
didn't spray me,

and I'm okay,

'cause that would've
been really tough, man.

That's been... I think that's
probably the worst fear

is not like getting
hit by a truck,

or fuckin' having to go
toe-to-toe with a mountain lion

or a bear or
something, or a moose.

A moose would... ugh.

But, I think the worst...

The worst fear is getting
just doused by a skunk,

and then just having
to walk for a few days,

and then what happens?
Then, I show up

at somebody's house, and
I just reek to high heaven

and they wouldn't let
me in, and then what?

I gotta, like, sit in
their front yard naked

with a... like, four
cans of tomato sauce.

I mean, it's... yeah, so,
good thing that didn't happen.

I'm at somewhat of a... a
weird... A weird decision.

I don't know what
to do right now.

So, I'm out in the
middle of nowhere.

Pretty fucking gorgeous, though.

And as I'm walking,

look what is lying
right on the ground.

That's real, so I guess
I gotta call the police

and let them know.

Uh, I... I don't
really wanna touch it,

'cause if it does
have bodies on it,

I look like a transient,

and then they're gonna
pin all the murders on me.

Well, I'm here.

It's pretty cool.

I'm, uh... I am now at

the Wiley Ranch.

I see him coming to Mommy's.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

♪

- I'm so excited.
- He walked a long way.

I'm so excited.

- Look like rag doll.
- That's right.

I can tell you've been
wearing that thing for,

- like, a year, dude.
- Dude.

- Crazy.
- What's up, brother?

Oh, man.

♪

How are you, man?

Good to see you, I'm
sweaty as shit, brother.

Oh, good to see you.

- What's up, man?
- Nothing.

Ugh.

Now we got this hill, and
I'm like, I just went up

- a bunch of hills.
- I told you it was all hills.

♪

♪ Wind blows wild ♪

♪ These thoughts
inside my mind ♪

♪

♪ Don't mind ♪

♪

- So, I came from Maryland.
- What?

It's way far away from
here, and I walked here.

- What?
- What?

Yeah, I walked here.

- Why?
- Um...

- This is the moment.
- So, I walked here

because of your daddy.

'Cause your daddy
and I are brothers

and we served together
in the Marine Corps.

We were fighting guys together.

- What?
- Yeah, so we were

big, strong fighting men.

Um, I could fight, too.

You can, but you don't have
to because we protect you.

- Right?
- Yeah.

Yeah, so you get to
just be a princess.

Yeah, or, well, in this case,

you get to be Rapunzel.

♪ I'm taken back by all
these different footprints ♪

♪

♪ Littered all along
this lonely road ♪

♪

♪ Loosening these
worn out inhibitions ♪

♪

♪ Covering this
tired, lonely soul ♪

♪

♪ Wind blows wild
these thoughts ♪

♪ Inside my mind ♪

♪ Don't mind ♪

♪

♪ My thoughts are ♪

♪ Like Moses ♪

♪ Spread water ♪

♪ Lead me straight to you ♪

♪ I've gone past ♪

♪ Believing ♪

♪ This is the only thing
I have that's left to do ♪

♪

Is that the book
you and Dad read?

"I love you through and through.

- I love your top side."
- "I love your top side."

"And your bottom side."

"And my... and...
the bottom side."

"And"... what?

"Your silly side."

"Your mad side."

- "I love your fingers."
- "Your fingers."

- "And toes."
- "And toes."

"I love you through and
through, yesterday, today,

- and tomorrow, too."
- "Tomorrow, too."

You got it.

Yeah.

Ah, shit.

Wiley and I went up to Mansfield
to go see Powers's family,

and see his grave,
and see the truck

that their parents finished
that Powers bought,

and had every intention
of making into

this souped-up
pick-'em-up truck.

- So, this is his book.
- Oh, yeah.

And we just put it on the car,

and we just let
everybody look at it,

but it's got the
Marine insignia.

- Yeah, I saw that.
- Those are his dog tags,

and he goes everywhere with us.

Oh, man.

This is him working
on this truck.

When he was 15.

- Oh, man.
- And then, this was

my favorite picture of
him working on the truck.

Mike's choking him out.

- Right.
- Fitting.

That's fitting.

So, we put this on the seat,
and we put it underneath,

and we just share
it with everybody.

♪

From the time we were
kids, like, little kids,

he was gonna be a Marine, like,
he had a cot in the living room

and he was like...
It was so funny,

'cause he's like, "This
is where I gotta sleep,

'cause this is where
I gotta get practice."

♪

Caleb was about to come home
two weeks before he was killed.

Rick, he had like
six more months.

It's like your whole past
and your whole future

all at once, like,

when you have two
people that you lost

that you love more than
anything in the world,

like, your two most
favorite people

in the whole entire
world, when you lose them,

I just, like,
collapsed on the floor.

Couldn't even survive.

It was terrible.

♪

What is this?

We'll never forget that day.

Nah, man, not ever.

- That was a tough week for us.
- Yeah.

We came up

to relieve these guys,

'cause it just happened.

We got the... Got
the medivac call,

and, uh,

it said like, "Urgent surgical."

I'm like, "Shit,
somebody's fucking hurt."

- Mhm.
- So, when we roll in,

and, uh, we got there,

there was... there was
confusion on our end,

and, uh, Robinson had come down,

and he was all a mess,

and then immediately
you knew who it was,

and I didn't realize...

I didn't even realize
Caleb was dead yet.

And then...

Well, Ammons came up
to me and was like,

"Hey, man, we gotta
go to the top,

we gotta, we gotta
do some cleanup."

And that's when it... and
then, I had to go up, and...

Yeah.

- There was a lot of blood.
- I bet.

We just scooped it up the
best you could, and...

And then you had
to fuckin' nut up

- and sit there...
- Then I had to fuckin' sit

- in that goddamn seat.
- Nut up and sit where he was

fuckin' sitting.

I was sittin' there 20 minutes
prior to him sittin' there.

And then we got blown
up on a building

- the next day!
- The next day.

Yeah.

The whole damn thing almost
came down on top of us.

♪

- That corner specifically...
- Yeah, that corner.

Was lucky it didn't
crumble off there.

It was just the one,

it was just the one
stanchion that held.

There was no floor
underneath us.

No.

Yeah, just that
one corner piece.

Yeah, that was it, that was it.

♪

- I think about him a lot.
- Yeah.

I talk about him often.

Oh, every day.

Anybody poke about the
bracelet or the t-shirt,

any chance I get.

♪

Powers had just relieved me

in the same seat
I was sitting in.

You heard the crack or whatever,

so we all came out
the elevator shaft,

and I don't know, I just
remember Powers with his,

his head kicked
back on his chair,

and there was, I don't know,

there wasn't just
blood, it was like

fuckin' brain matter

that was pourin' out
of his head and shit.

And I just remember,
I don't know,

just how lifeless he
was, and limp and shit.

We're all kinda
screamin' at Doc,

but what can we do
to help you and shit?

It's like, nothing,
he's gone, you know.

It took a moment before,

you know, it really, it
really hit us and shit

that he was gone.

♪

So you gotta understand a
sniper is a debilitating

and demoralizing thing.

You don't know where they are,

and you don't know if
they're coming back.

We always wondered,

"Is this guy staring
down a fucking scope?

Is he lookin' through
glass at me right now?

Is this my moment?"

♪

That was tough,
and Chadwick and I

looked at each other and said,
"We gotta sit at this post.

We gotta show our guys that,
yeah, this just happened,

but fuck it."

For the next two hours,
Chadwick and I sat there,

and we talked about everything,

and we talked a mile a minute.

The missed opportunities with
girls, the cars we wanted,

the Appalachian Trail
hike we wanted to do.

We squashed a lot of
differences right there because,

dude, we were dead.

I think it gave us both a
lot of respect for each other

'cause we both volunteered
to sit in that spot.

That was, that was really,

really, really hard
to sit in that spot.

Obviously, it's
gonna fuck with you.

♪

You know that
you're already dead.

You know you're already dead.

And you accept that,

and then it actually becomes
easier to do your job

because at the end
of it, you're dead.

You're not livin' through this,
you're not makin' this out.

The day after Caleb was killed,

that same seven-story building

had the floor below it just
blown out from under 'em.

First thing we did
was call it in,

and start tryin' to get in
touch with the guys from 3rd.

And fortunately
everybody was alive.

And the only thing I do remember
sayin' on the radio was like,

"Hey, man, get the fuck
outta the building,

it's goin' down."

Remember standing over on the
roof and just lookin' down,

and I just came up.

It wasn't the same old
Jon that I remember

a few hours ago.

The look in his eyes was
completely different.

We can think of PTSD a
an unprocessed trauma,

where the mind and the body
can't seem to work through it,

and it gets into
this pattern that

keeps it from being
able to be processed,

but it's also a completely
normal response,

given what the person
has been through.

So in a combat situation,

there's not necessarily
only one trauma,

there are multiple
traumas that happen.

And how can you even think
of starting to process

when you're in that
type of environment?

You've been raised by your
parents and your teachers

to do the right thing,

and then you go off to war,

and you're gonna be asked
to do unspeakable things

that aren't exactly in
the code of ethics or law

'cause it's a different
ballgame at that point.

But then, you quickly
have to go back,

and they want you to act normal.

Well, it just doesn't
happen that way.

The new normal is not
a rinse, wash, repeat,

and do it again, you know?

It's a... there's a
decompression that has to happen.

So, to think that you just
went over and did your job,

that's pretty ignorant.

Just bein' outta the
corps itself, it's,

it's like a drag.

You kinda feel lost,

like you really don't
know what to do,

where to go anymore.

The camaraderie of the
corps is no longer there.

You're not even
close to your family

like you are to the
guys you served with.

You know, there's
still a distance

between you and your family,

and most people
don't understand it.

Can't really explain it unless
you experience it yourself,

you know, that
kind of closeness.

I just never get any sleep.

It's just 'cause
my mind's running,

and I can't shut it off.

I also have panic attacks

or anxiety attacks
when I fall asleep.

I feel this buzzing in my head,

and it feels like you're
about ready to die,

and it's like... what it does is

you're goin' to sleep,

and then you're triggerin'
back up to awake.

'Cause I've seen dark figures
standin' in the corner,

which is really crazy.

♪

You just have these
wicked dreams.

I remember just instead
of dreaming about

some little Iraqi
kid getting killed,

it's my son, or it's like

I'm in a fire-fight,

and I'm just shooting
members of my family.

Or, I'm in a fire-fight
and members of my family

are dead all around me,
and I can't do anything.

Or, I'm in a minivan driving
with my wife and kids,

and then it hits an IED.

Every day I was
drinking like a 24-pack

just so I can sleep.

You know, it was just wakin'
up, beer cans everywhere.

Okay, you know,
hungover, drunk still.

You're just there

sitting alone

not even being able
to talk to anybody.

When people ask those
stupid questions,

"How many people did you kill?

Where you ever scared?"

Yeah, at first, I didn't
really know how to freakin'

answer that kind
of stuff, you know.

It was kinda like,

"How dare you
fuckin' ask me that?"

That's none of your
fuckin' business.

Why would you say
something like that to me?

Have you ever been raped,
do you wanna fuckin'

relive that experience
with me right now too?

Well, let's fuckin' talk
about the most fucked up thing

you ever fuckin'
did in your life.

Your Uncle fuckin' Tom,
your weird Uncle Tom

"ever touch you when
you were a kid?"

You're asking questions about
the most fucked up thing

that has ever happened
in this person's life.

♪

You know, for most people,

they look at PTSD
and they see it as

like some sort of
frailty, weakness.

And quite frankly, I thought of
it like that too for some point.

And I'm just like,

"There's something
wrong with me,

and I need to get over this
shit because it's been years.

So, get the fuck over it."

But it's different,
PTSD isn't that.

It's a survival
mechanism, it's what...

The situations that
we were in over there,

demanded us to behave
in a different way.

Demanded us to...

♪

To be what we are now.

♪

People would say,

"That's the guy you're dating?

That guy?"

Because now I look back
on it, and I'm like,

"You've got...

What were you missing,"
you know what I mean?

I felt like I should
have seen something.

When we got together,

three months into
it, he was like,

"We're gonna get married,

we're gonna have a baby."

He knew exactly what
I wanted to hear.

And then, I got pregnant,

and I called him so
excited, and he was like,

he was hungover,
and he's like, I,

I'll never forget it, I
mean, I'll never forget that.

He just was not,

not thrilled with the idea.

After that,

he flipped a switch

from this guy who was
ready to start a family,

and so happy and excited to.

"This is the worst thing that
could have ever happened to me."

♪

All of this crap
started surfacing about

it not being his, and...

He started getting
super possessive of me,

going through my things,

and going through my
laptop and my emails,

and my text messages,
and everything.

As soon as I would
put my phone down,

if I was in the bathroom,
he was picking it up

and looking at it.

To his friends, to his family,

I was this whore who
slept with everybody,

who "This isn't my
baby, she's crazy.

She's making this shit up.

We never tried to have a baby."

I was instantly the bad guy.

And so he would say to me,
"Don't you know who I am?"

Don't you know that
I am an interrogator

for this country?

Don't you know that I
can figure out anything

that I wanna figure out,

and I can make you say
whatever I want you to say?

"I can make you feel
however I want you to feel."

That's the kind of stuff
he would say to me.

And that's when I was like,

"This is bad.

This is a lot worse
than I thought it was."

It was like he was still in
it, like he was still there.

He either did something
or said something

that broke my heart every day.

And the day that he showed
up to break up with me

at my parents' house
on their porch,

he brought all of my stuff

in trash bags

and left it in my driveway.

♪

- Did you love Kristin?
- Yeah.

- Do you still love her?
- Yeah.

I'll always love her.

♪

You know, Cole was a twinkle

in our eyes and her belly.

I couldn't handle it,

and that's when,

that's when I started
drinkin' hard,

and it just kept goin'
hard for a long time.

I was drunk the day he was born.

I was shitfaced the
day he was born.

♪

I remember when I
went into labor.

I was at the hospital,

and one of our
mutual friends came

to be with me 'cause
I didn't have anyone.

From her, he found out
that I had the baby.

And he called me,
and he was drunk,

and he cried,

and said, "I knew this
whole time that he was mine.

I don't know why I let
other people influence me.

I don't know why

I didn't believe you."

And I said, "Then, come up here.

Come be with me, like what?"

And he's like, "I just can't.

I can't."

Yeah, I wanted to be there,

but I didn't know
how to be there.

You know, maybe,

maybe we both didn't want

exactly as much as
we said we wanted,

but the bottom line is is
I didn't stick up for her,

and I didn't stick
up for my son,

I didn't stick up for any of it.

♪

That's a hard thing to get over.

That's a hard thing to
forgive yourself for.

♪

Years later, I was sittin'
in a car with my mom,

and I was just
workin' shitty jobs

'cause nobody would hire me.

I can remember just bein' pissed
off and screamin' in the car.

"I fuckin' hate my
military service!

I wish I'd never fuckin' joined!

I fuckin' hate the Marine Corps.

It fuckin' ruined me."

♪

I thought I was owed something.

I thought a lot of
people owed me something

for military service.

I thought you owed
me everything.

♪

I was drinkin' every night,
and there's the first DUI.

And then, I got my second
one almost a year to the day

of the first one.

♪

The second one was clearly
me tellin' myself like,

"Hey, you don't need
to be here anymore."

You just keep fuckin' up.

You just keep hurting

yourself and others.

Why do you need to
do that anymore?

"Just fucking kill yourself."

After a while, I realized
I was doin' nothing

but isolating myself.

And that came to a
culmination after two DUls.

I tried to empty an
entire medicine cabinet

into my stomach.

And I've sat up at night
and put a gun in my mouth,

and begged for the strength
to pull the trigger

because I thought I was
a burden on my family,

thought I was never
gonna be a good father,

thought I wasn't a good friend.

♪

His descent into his depression,

into coping mechanisms,

drinking, his failed
suicide attempt,

it all came as a shock to me.

We got on the phone, and
we talked for a while.

He caught me up to speed

on a few of the stories
from the deployment,

and then we talked about
what was goin' on with him.

If you're sittin' there
reading someone's narrative

of a patrol where
there's a casualty...

You know, I've been
reading these over and over

for months and years now.

Just insert the name and
it's a different patrol,

and it's a different KAA.

And I wanted him to
kinda flesh it out,

let me know what
I needed to know,

what he had gone through.

And that summer of '15, I think,

I shot down over a long weekend
and surprised him at his house,

just kinda shook
him up a little bit,

let him know that there was
other guys out there in 2/4

that were concerned about him

and what was goin'
on with the unit.

♪

Then there's times
when you are isolated,

and you are in your own
head the whole time,

and it's... You
never stop wonderin'

if there's somethin' you
could have done better,

or coulda stopped
something from happenin',

but you can't think
like that, and it sucks.

♪

I guess it's just tough 'cause

I've been walkin' for
so goddamn long, but...

I get to see some of the most
beautiful things on the planet,

and all I think about is like,

"My brothers never
get to see this."

It's fuckin' tough out here,

but I wouldn't change
it for the world.

I just wish, I just wish
that I died instead of them.

I mean, that's the only thing
that really keeps me goin'

is knowin' that...

I don't know what I believe in.

I don't know if I
believe in God, I don't,

I don't know.

But I do know that
if they were energy,

and they could see me,

I'd hope they'd be proud of me.

♪

Guess we'll find out when
Valhalla opens its gates,

either I'm greeted with a
beer or an ass-whoopin'.

I'll take either.

♪

♪

♪ When the walls
come crashing down ♪

♪ When the walls
come crashing down

we will own our past ♪

♪

♪ And we will own our future ♪

♪

♪ And we will own our past ♪

♪ When the walls
come crashing down

we will own our future ♪

A Vietnam vet just jerked his
car over to the side of the road

and came to a halt.

Told him what I was doin'.

And then, he found
me the next day

and handed me his father's
Eagle, Globe, and Anchor

he earned from boot camp

during World War II.

And I was just completely
floored by that.

I kept it, it's wrapped
into my stick now,

so it's not goin' anywhere.

It'll stay right there.

There was a lady back
there that came up to me.

She was not happy that I was
wearin' a Marine Corps flag

at all.

Preceded to call me a baby
killer, and then she...

But I just kinda sat
there and took it, man.

I've kinda found that

the only way

I ever deal with it anymore is
I just agree with everybody.

And just be like, "Yeah,
man, I did it all the time."

That's all the government
ever told me to do

was just kill the children,

so that that way
I didn't have to

"fight guys later on."

Hey, how are ya?

I know it sounds
like I'm peein'.

No, it doesn't!

That's crazy.

It's my shower today.

Nice end to a...

It's a really cool
little mountain spring.

So I showered.

I still stink.

Diane Layfield is the mother of

Travis Layfield.

I didn't know Diane
before the walk.

First time I met her was at
the Marines' Memorial Club.

That was an
eye-opening experience.

Cheers!

My daughter, and my
grandson, and I went down

to meet Travis' battalion
when they came home,

and that was probably
the second worst,

hardest thing I've
ever done in my life.

- Watching all of them...
- So you saw us come home?

I saw you all
walkin' up that hill.

Yeah, we walked up that
hill after the armory.

And I thought I was gonna die
because Travis wasn't with you.

Oh, no, there they are.

And Travie always hides from me.

There he is!

I always say one is too
many on this wall, but...

Unfortunately.

The guy that I was
tellin' you about,

Jeffrey Mehlman,

was actually holding
Sims when he died.

And I kept tellin'
him all these years,

'cause he's held
that inside of him.

I kept sayin', "You
need to talk to his mom,

"you need to tell her," I said,

"That's just one thing us
Gold Star parents want is

every piece of everything that
we can get about our kids,

any pictures, any stories,
anything, we want hear."

He's yet to do it, and I said,

"You're carrying that heavy
burden around with you,

and you've told me and
you wanna release it,"

but I said, "She's,
Margaret's a great lady.

And she'd be easy to
talk to, and she would be

so appreciative to hear this."

Some of the most healing
points on this journey

have been when I've
gotten to speak with guys

that... or, with
families of guys

that I've known
personally and known well.

Told them weird and stupid
stories, and just...

- But we laugh, we cry.
- God, we laugh, we cry.

We do it all, but
we do it together.

That's right.

That's what's important to know

just how things were there.

It's another thing all together,

when you're lookin' at these
guys right in the face.

I was QRF for Collins when
he was killed by a sniper,

we thought he was alive until
we got to Junction City.

And then, when they pulled him
off the back of the Humvee,

his legs were,

- his legs just fell.
- Oh.

And I knew he wasn't
alive anymore.

Oh, man.

Holy shit, Mom!

I love you baby, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry!

It was just such love.

It was like he had
another family.

It was like another mom, really.

And Roseanna Powers, I
know it was her brother,

but it's the same thing.

It's just family that
they didn't know they had.

It was just a really good
experience to have Jon here

just to ease the burden from us.

When Jon comes, he
caries the grief too,

but it's like I'm
not the only one.

I can share it with him.

That sounds bad, but like,

"Here, you have
some of that too."

♪

I hope that Jonathan's brought
some measure of relief,

comfort to those
families 'cause they,

they suffered mightily,

and they still do.

I'm always hurting inside,
I'm always crying inside.

I miss him immensely.

It's been tough, but I've
met so many wonderful people

along the way
through my journey,

and Travis has brought someone
or something into my life

almost every day.

I don't want them
to feel guilty.

They have to live their lives,

and that's what Travis said
in his last letter, actually.

He said, "Mom, don't
sit in a corner crying"

"and worrying
about me," he says,

"Go life your life,
keep on dancin'."

He knows I love to
dance, and he said,

"Keep on dancin'
and keep on livin'."

And that's what we have to do.

♪

If Dustin came home,

he could be as screwed up
as any one of these guys.

Jon could be our son.

Literally, he could be our son.

We really didn't
know each other,

but immediately, within
less than 40 minutes,

we went to the darkest
place possible.

I don't even know
how it happened.

We went to Dustin's death.

I don't know how it
happened, but we just kind of

went off in some direction,
and all of a sudden,

bam, we were there.

We were surprised,
we were actually

talking like, "How
did, how did...

We didn't mean to
do that so quick."

At that moment, I was like,

"My family needs
to meet this guy

because he's gonna help them,"

especially Kerry

because Kerry, at the time,

was just a young teenager.

He didn't meet any
of these Marines.

So, I knew it was
gonna be healing.

All right, so Kerry joined me.

He's here.

How's it going'?

Everybody knows who Kerry
is, and if you don't,

Kerry is the Gold
Star youngest brother

of Dustin Schrage, who
we lost in Iraq in 2004.

He's picked up with me.

He's gonna do the
last 75-ish miles.

♪

When you're a Marine,
it's something special.

He was one of their brothers,

and you, being a family member,

you're now a family member.

♪

What did you see in your
family when Jon was there?

Joy, I think.

I think everyone's like...

It's just kinda cool
that you see someone

that's reaching out to you
that knew your brother,

and knew your son.

So, it's cool to
hear stories and hear

stuff that made Jon laugh that
Dustin would do, you know.

Hear your brother's name
livin' through someone else,

not just your close family.

♪

What's up, brother?

What the fuck?

- God!
- How you doin', bro?

Good, bro.

Oh!

- Yeah!
- There he is!

Your face.

- Yeah.
- You look as happy as ever.

I know, right?

All right, well, say
hello to everybody.

- Dude!
- How you been?

Good.

Hancock's here!

Oh, God, ah!

- Oh!
- Motherfucker.

- How you doin', man?
- Doin' good, man.

Look at you, you
look like a mushroom.

- Yeah.
- Oh, there it is.

Toad, man.

Jesus!

Oh, shit!

♪

- What's up, Scottie?
- What's up, brother?

Goddamn!

Ah, it's so good
to see you, man.

♪

We didn't, I don't think,
realize what we had

and how fuckin' important
and special it was.

It's healing, for sure, but
I don't think this is a time

for us to fuckin' get
together and all fuckin' cry,

you know what I mean?

That's not what
this shit's about.

This shit's about

coming and enjoying
each other's company

and bein' able to crack the
most fuckin' inappropriate jokes

in the world with
each other and laugh,

and have a good time, and, like,

man, just release all
of this pent up shit.

With these guys, I
can talk to fuckin'...

I can talk about 'em with,

about fuckin'
anything, anything!

All the serious issues that's
in the world, or whatever,

don't fuckin' matter.

Here, here, they don't matter.

What matters is here.

This is it, we're
fuckin' doin' our thing.

Man, it's, I swear to God,

the best therapy in
the fuckin' world.

There's nothin' better
than this shit, man.

Really.

♪

Mike, get in here.

Mike, get in here!

- Come on.
- Let's go!

Come here.

I missed you, dude.

I missed you somethin' fierce.

Like, I miss...

Trust me, brother, I
wish I could have been

- out there walkin' with you.
- I fuckin' called you

all the goddamn time because
I fuckin' missed you.

It fuckin' hurt,
man, I was like,

"Fuck V, I don't give a
shit what he's doin'."

Nursin' degree, I don't care!

I'm a call him a 4:00 AM.

Fine, fuck it, it's all good.

Oh, you don't wanna answer?

"I'm a leave nine messages!"

Not bein' able to
see these guys,

or not knowing
how they're doing,

it sucks.

You start havin' issues
of PTSD, or whatever,

closest person
you can talk to is

the brothers you served
with 'cause they were

in the same dirt as you were.

And not bein' able to
get a hold of them,

or anything like that,

you tend to lose it.

You know, a lot of people,

or some of the guys
we deployed with,

kinda took the shitty
way out, you know,

suicides, or whatever.

♪

It's hard to
communicate, you know.

♪

♪

We all know what
this stands for,

and we know the heavy burden
this brings to us all.

Days like today, it's
these we remember for life

and we pass onto
our junior Marines

and their junior Marines.

I know you all
heard some stories

from some of these
other Marines up here,

some of our snipers,
our sergeant majors.

Carry them on.

I know there are a lot
of us who aren't here,

a lot of people who
couldn't make it.

There's people out there who
are hurtin', they're strugglin'.

- Stay on them.
- Fuckin' A.

Stay on them.

I talked a couple people
into getting here today,

and this is therapy, gentlemen.

Stay on them.

People out there are struggling,

they're hurting, they
don't wanna step forward.

Stay on them.

We can't lose
anybody, gentlemen.

We can't lose anybody.

- Very well said.
- Yeah.

What you guys maybe
don't realize yet

is that you guys are
a support network

that you're never ever gonna
find anywhere else, ever.

Make sure when you
guys fuckin' EAS,

and when your senior guys
get out, and shit like that,

stay in contact with
each other, man,

exactly what fuckin'
Endito's sayin' man.

We don't need to fuckin'
lose guys to suicide.

That's fuckin' horse
shit, you know.

We all need to be
here for each other

'cause nobody fuckin' else is.

- They don't understand.
- Yup.

Oh, yeah.

♪ Gungi, gungi, gungi ♪

♪ Gungi, gungi, gungi ♪

♪ Blood and guts ♪

♪ Blood and guts ♪

♪ You can fuck with anybody ♪

♪ You can fuck with anybody ♪

♪ But you can't fuck with us ♪

♪ But you can't fuck with us ♪

You look at each other and
whether it's said or not,

I can forgive myself
for the things I've done

because I protected my brothers.

But how you were after,

like how I was after...

♪

And the lives that I broke

when people were just
tryin' to hold on...

I put people through a ride.

♪

You have to go back and
you have to understand

where you were and who you were,

and you've gotta fix it.

You have to look at
yourself and sometimes admit

that you are the monster.

Dude, I was a fuckin'
monster to people.

I was a fuckin' monster.

♪

Through everything, it's a lie

that you manufacture
to try to help yourself

get through some of it

because taking responsibility
for walking out on

anyone that loved you...

Shit,

how do you even
begin to do that?

♪

I've always tried to

keep Cole in at a distance

to protect him,

to protect his idea of his dad

because I don't want him
to know all that stuff.

I don't want him to know

the stuff that Jon
and I went through.

I don't want him
to know that stuff.

I don't want him to,

to be afraid of
his dad, I don't...

Right now, he thinks
his dad is a hero.

He thinks that

his dad saved the world.

I mean, he thinks that stuff,

and I don't want him
thinking any differently.

So, like, when he's walking,
he calls me while he's walking.

One time he found,

he found these big tents,

and they were like that.

So these are the sticks.

So look at all these,
that's cool, huh?

- Yeah.
- Yeah,

and they're all
different colors.

That's where I am today.

How's a dinosaur say I love you?

I love you!

I love you too!

All right, buddy,
I'll talk to you soon.

♪

He didn't start with the mindset
that the was gonna save people

or change people's lives.

It's turned into that,

which he still, I think,
has a hard time seeing,

but Cole holds him in this,

up on this pedestal,
and I don't,

I don't ever want
that to change.

Please help my dad
to have a safe walk,

and please help him to be safe.

♪

So I'm afraid for
after this walk because

to me, he's doing
this great thing,

but it's also not
really real life.

When he got out of the
military, it was the same way.

He had a hard time transitioning
into real life and coping

with real life stuff.

And after this walk,

he's gonna be back to

facing real life stuff.

♪

Once again, I've not
lived in the real world

for a long period of time,

but I've been out
here walking around

meeting with men
that I served with,

trying to gain some
perspective on how to live.

I see a lot of guys, and
they do live pretty well.

And I guess the
fundamental difference is

is that they've
forgiven themselves...

♪

And I hadn't done that yet.

♪

♪

All I can do is be the
dad that I wanna be.

I don't know how to do that.

And it's tough on him because

he doesn't understand
what I'm doing,

and later on in life, God, I
really hope he understands it.

I really hope he understands
exactly what I had to go do

to try to help myself.

We're gonna have a lot
of really tough talks

later on in life, man,

and he's gonna ask
tough questions,

and I'm gonna have to
give him honest answers.

♪

He could totally hate me,

for sure.

But to be a great dad,

to be the dad I've seen
my dad to be to me,

sacrificing myself once again,

but now doing it for my
son so that he can see

the man that I have become
versus the man that I was,

and he needs to see that,

and he needs to
understand who I am.

♪

♪ We came a long,
long, way back home

to see you one more time ♪

♪ We came a long,
long way back home

to see you and say goodbye ♪

♪ We came a long,
long way back home

to see you one more time ♪

♪ We came a long,
long way back home

to hold you and say goodbye ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪

Well, firstly, thank
you for havin' me.

And to the 2/4
Marines Association

and to all active duty members
of the Marine Corps now,

thank you for your
continued service.

I'm happy I made it,

and it was pretty long.

I didn't know how
I was gonna do it,

but I just knew that
I had to go and do it.

And I can tell you that I'm not

the same person that I was.

I don't have the desire

to hate myself anymore.

I could never not
take responsibility

for who I am or what
I'm doing ever again.

And for a long
time, that was lost.

I'm here today, and I see this
amount of support, which is...

First off, thank you so much.

It really warms my heart.

- Love you, Hancock!
- Love you, Jon!

But I've met a couple
interesting people

along the way,

and a lot of people have taught
me a lot of life lessons,

but one of those people
is actually here today,

a woman named Lorelei Simons.

Lorelei Simons had a
son who was in the Army,

and deployed multiple times,
and when he came home,

he didn't win that fight.

And she came to me and said,

"If it's possible
and your shoes fit,

would you be able to
wear my son's shoes

across the country?"

Well, I was in need
of a pair of shoes,

but that immediately... I was
not gonna say no to that woman.

Lorelei, these shoes got me

from Miller, South
Dakota to Spokane Valley.

And I took 'em off so that I
wouldn't damage' em any more

'cause I wanted to bring
them to you here today.

Can you come up
here for a minute?

Thank you.

It's an honor.

I love you.

Love you too.

To my family,

thank you for being there,
even in the darkest of times.

And to my son,

I had to go away
for a little while.

And the gravity of this,

I don't think you'll grasp yet,

but just know that
I had to go away

so that dad could
go get strong, okay?

How's a dinosaur say I love you?

I love you!

I love you too!

Ladies and gentlemen,

thank you so much,
thanks for everything.

Semper fidelis.

Have a good day.

♪

♪ Into the world, to the wild ♪

♪ No place for a child ♪

♪ Used my voice to howl

with the ghouls of night

in the dyin' light ♪

♪

♪ I'm losin' control
my body, my soul

are slowly fadin' away ♪

♪ But I'm ready now to
feel the power of change ♪

♪ I'm my mother's child ♪

♪ I'm my father's son ♪

♪ It took me a while

but my time has come

to be born again ♪

♪

♪ To be born again ♪

♪

Stigma tends to perpetuate
this idea around

defectiveness,

but we're not broken.

We're not crazy.

We've been through things that

are difficult for people
to even begin to fathom.

We're not victims,

we're survivors.

So many people get out,
lose their mission,

lose track, lose sight.

We have this fuckin' superpower.

We went through somethin'
that fuckin' nobody else did.

♪

PTSD can stop you,
but you can't let it.

Anything that we put
our goddamn minds to,

you can move a fuckin'
mountain, dude.

♪

I feel an amount of pain

all the time,

but it drives me.

It makes me want to be better.

♪

A lot of me hurt me,

but a lot of that
same me saved me.

There was a lot of
desire to change,

but there wasn't motivation.

We do these things
because we don't feel

that we're good enough.

We feel like the great
guys are the ones that

went before us, and here we are

fuckin' up their name.

I don't want that to happen.

I don't wanna sully their memory

by leaving early,

or by not giving them all
the credit that is due,

and then living my own life.

I don't get to
realize their dreams,

but they gave me the
ability to realize mine.

That's, that's where it is.

♪

♪

♪ I'm taken back by all
these different footprints

littered all along
this lonely road ♪

♪ Loosening these
worn out inhibitions ♪

♪ Covering this
tired lonely soul ♪

♪ Wind blows wild ♪

♪ These thoughts
inside my mind ♪

♪ Don't mind ♪

♪ I've gone past believin'

this is the only thing I
have that's left to do ♪

♪

♪ My thoughts are

like Moses

spread water

spread water

spread water ♪

♪ I've gone past believin'

I'm on this road to you ♪

♪ I'm on this road to you ♪

♪ I'm on this road to you ♪

♪ I'm on this road to you ♪

♪ I'm on this road

I'm on this road

to you ♪

♪