All language subtitles for The Ex_English

- Woman: "ALAN"?
- Man: NO.

- "CHRISTOPHER"?
- NO.

- "NIGEL"?
- NO.

"LEONARD."
THAT'S CUTE.

THAT'S SO CUTE!
WE HAVE A LITTLE FAT KID
THAT LIKES INTERNET PORN.

- WHAT ABOUT "HANS"?
- WHAT ABOUT "ADOLF"?
THAT'S GREAT.

IT RINGS,
ROLLS OFF THE TONGUE.

"CHARLES."
IT'S A CLASSIC.

- YOU CAN'T FIND ANYTHING
WRONG WITH "CHARLES."
- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

DO YOU KNOW
WHAT THE NICKNAME
FOR "CHARLES" IS?

- WHAT?
- "CHUCKY."

HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO FALL ASLEEP WITH
A LITTLE RED-HAIRED TODDLER

NAMED "CHUCKY" SLEEPING
IN THE NEXT ROOM?

JUST FORGET THE BOOK.
WE DON'T NEED THE BOOK.

LET'S COME UP
WITH OUR OWN NAME
LIKE "APPLE"

OR "DESTINY'S CHILD."

I GOT AN IDEA.

JUST LOOK AT ME,
ALL RIGHT?

WHAT'S THE FIRST NAME
THAT POPS INTO YOUR HEAD?

"DOOFUS."
( giggles )

OKAY, YOU GO.
FIRST NAME THAT POPS
INTO YOUR HEAD.

"BOOBIES."

YOU WANT TO NAME
OUR CHILD "BOOBIES"?

I'M SAYING THAT
I'M OPEN TO IT.

- HONEY.
- ( bell dings )

SWEETIE, THE BOOK SAYS
IT'S BEST TO COME UP
WITH A NAME

BEFORE THE BIRTH
OF THE BABY.

WILL YOU RELAX
WITH THE BOOK?
YOU'RE OBSESSED.

HONEY, YOU KNOW DOING
RESEARCH MAKES ME FEEL
MORE COMFORTABLE.

SPEAKING OF WHICH,
I'VE DECIDED NOT
TO DO AN EPIDURAL.

- WHAT?
- YEP.

APPARENTLY, NATURAL
CHILDBIRTH'S BETTER
FOR THE BABY.

BUT EVERYBODY SAYS
THE PAIN IS UNBEARABLE.

WHATEVER IS BEST
FOR BABY BIG NOSE.

BIG NOSE?

OH, SORRY, THAT'S JUST
THE NAME THAT POPPED
INTO MY HEAD

WHEN I WAS LOOKING
AT YOU.

OH, THAT'S VERY FUNNY.
THAT'S VERY FUNNY.

- ( kissing )
- HONEY, PLEASE!

YOU'RE GOING TO
MAKE ME PEE!

WHOA, WHOA.
LOOK AT THE TIME.
I GOTTA GO.

- PROMOTION DAY.
- GOOD LUCK, SWEETHEART.

HEY. I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU.

TOM! TOM!
TOM REILLY.

HOW THE HELL
ARE YOU, MAN?
WHAT'S GOING ON?

GOOD, FORREST.
HOW ARE YOU?

THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU,
YOU WERE WITH SOFIA KOWALSKI.

YEAH, WE GOT MARRIED,
ACTUALLY.

WAY TO GO, MAN.

YOU KNOW, I WAS NEVER ONE
OF THE PEOPLE THAT SAID

SHE WAS OUT
OF YOUR LEAGUE.
IN THEIR FACE, RIGHT?

YEAH.

- WE'RE ABOUT TO HAVE A BABY.
- CONGRATULATIONS.
THAT'S FANTASTIC.

YEAH, GOOD STUFF.
MY WIFE AND I JUST DID
THAT DEAL IN DECEMBER.

KIDS ARE EXPENSIVE
AS HELL, THOUGH.

I JUST MADE S.V.P.
AT ARMSTRONG.

MAKING 500 GRAND A YEAR
AND WE'RE BARELY MAKING
ENDS MEET.

- WE JUST GOT A BEACH HOUSE
IN THE HAMPTONS.
- OH.

PIECE OF ADVICE--
YOU WANT THE MOST ASS EVER?

- PLEASE.
- GET YOUR WIFE
A BEACH HOUSE.

- OH.
- I'M SERIOUS. I CAN'T
KEEP HER OFF MY JUNK.

I'LL HAVE TO
REMEMBER THAT.

HEY, COME OUT
TO THE HAMPTONS SOMETIME.
WE'LL GO SAILING.

- I'LL BRING MY YACHT!
- EVEN BETTER.

$500,000 A YEAR.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?

I WENT TO SCHOOL
WITH THIS IDIOT.

HE'S ONE OF THE STUPIDEST
PEOPLE I EVER MET.

WHERE DID I GO WRONG?

- DUDE, YOU'RE A COOK.
- I KNOW.

I SHOULD HAVE BECOME
A HEDGE-FUND GUY.

I'D BE GETTING ASS
OUT IN EAST HAMPTON.

OKAY, PEOPLE!
A LOT OF HUNGRY
STOCKBROKERS UP THERE.

THEY'RE COUNTING ON YOU.

WHAT'S WRONG?

SOMEBODY LEFT A BUNCH
OF SALMON OUT OVERNIGHT.

LEON'S DOCKING
EVERYBODY'S PAY.

- THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
- YOU GOTTA TALK
TO HIM, TOM.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
NOT ME THIS TIME, GUYS.
SORRY.

TOMMY, YOU'RE THE ONLY
GUY THAT CAN STAND UP
TO HIM.

PACO, MY WIFE'S
ABOUT TO HAVE A BABY.
I NEED THIS PROMOTION.

THIS GUY'S GOING
TO DOCK OUR PAY, MAN.

LET'S GO, LADIES!

I DON'T PAY YOU
TO STAND AROUND ALL DAY.

HEY, SUMMERS, I NEED YOU
TO WORK ON SUNDAY, OKAY?

LEON, MY SISTER'S
GETTING MARRIED
ON SUNDAY, REMEMBER?

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU GOTTA TELL ME THAT WHEN
I'M MAKING OUT THE SCHEDULE.

- I CAN'T KEEP TRACK
OF EVERYONE'S SOCIAL LIFE.
- I DID TELL YOU.

- I'LL SUB FOR HIM, LEON.
- PACO, SILENCIO.

SUMMERS, I'M SORRY.
YOU GOT TO BE HERE SUNDAY.

THAT'S IT.
I DON'T MAKE THE RULES.

OH, WAIT.
YES, I DO.

YOU GOT SOMETHING
TO SAY, REILLY?
I'D LOVE TO HEAR IT.

LEON,
YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.

AND YOU'RE FIRED.

- WHAT?
- ADIOS, MIJO.

YOU HEARD ME, BANDERAS.
HIT THE ROAD.

GO ON BACK
TO YOUR 10-FAMILY SHACK
AND WATCH TELEMUNDO ALL DAY.

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT,
ALL RIGHT?

OKAY, WE BOTH GOT
A LITTLE CARRIED AWAY.

I ADMIT IT.
YOU ADMIT IT.

LET'S JUST HAVE
A COOL-DOWN PERIOD, OKAY?
DO YOU WANT TO USE MY APRON?

I CAN GET MOST
OF THAT OFF.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
YOU DON'T HIT A GUY
WITH A PORK CHOP!

( clamoring )

- Tom: STOP, STOP,
STOP, STOP, STOP!
- Leon: COME ON!

- WE'RE SORRY.
WE'RE SORRY. WE'RE SORRY.
- YOU'RE FIRED TOO.

UH-HUH!

FORREST, HERE'S SOME PORK,
ON THE HOUSE.

HOW'S THE AHI?

Sofia:
OH, I'M SO FAT.

( grunts )

DON'T GIVE ME THAT
CRAZY LOOK, KIMMY.
I SEE YOU.

I HAVE TOO MUCH TO DO
BEFORE I GOTTA GET OUT
OF HERE.

Kimmy:
HEY, SOF', CAN I
ASK YOU SOMETHING?

DO YOU REALLY THINK
YOU CAN RAISE A KID
ON TOM'S SALARY?

HE'S GETTING PROMOTED
TO HEAD LUNCH-CHEF.

WE'RE GONNA BE FINE.

I HAVE TO SAY, I HAVE
A HARD TIME SEEING YOU
AS A HOUSEWIFE.

I AM NOT GOING TO
BE A HOUSEWIFE.

I'M GOING TO BE
A FULL-TIME MOM.

OF COURSE, YEAH.

( gasps )

WHAT?

- ( cell phone rings )
- DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT,
MAN.

HELLO.

NOW?

TOM'S SELF-CONSCIOUS
'CAUSE HIS PEEP HAS
A LITTLE CURVE TO IT.

BUT IT STILL WORKS,
RIGHT?

WHAT ARE YOU TWO
GIGGLING ABOUT?

YOUR CUTE LITTLE CURVE.

I'LL GET YOU
ANOTHER PILLOW.

BABE, PLEASE DON'T TALK
ABOUT MY CURVE.

- MY CURVE IS PRIVATE.
- SWEETIE, SHE'S OUR
DELIVERY NURSE.

EVENTUALLY, SHE'S GOING TO
SEE MY VAGINA AND MOST
LIKELY WATCH ME POOP.

- WHAT NOW?
- MOST WOMEN POOP AT SOME POINT
DURING THE BIRTH.

- I TOLD YOU THAT.
- NO, NO, I'M PRETTY SURE I
WOULD HAVE REMEMBERED THAT.

SO WHICH WAY
DOES IT CURVE?

- DON'T ANSWER THAT.
- LEFT.

IT'S ACTUALLY RIGHT.
IT'S JUST HER LEFT.

COME HERE, SWEETIE.

YOU LOOK MORE NERVOUS
THAN I AM.

- I KNOW.
- IT'S OKAY, REALLY.

IT'S THE MOST NATURAL
THING IN THE WORLD.

WOMEN HAVE BEEN DOING THIS
FOR THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS

OF--
( screams )

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

I TOLD YOU THOSE CONTRACTIONS
WERE GONNA GET STRONGER.

BUT DON'T WORRY.
YOU STILL HAVE SOME TIME
BEFORE THEY GET REAL NASTY.

- THAT WASN'T NASTY?
- THAT WASN'T NASTY?

- HELL, NO.
- TOM, I THINK
I CHANGED MY MIND.

- I WANT THE DRUGS.
- NOW?

I COULD PROBABLY
SCORE YOU SOME WEED.

SOFIA, YOU TURNED DOWN
THE EPIDURAL,

AND THE ANESTHESIOLOGIST
IS IN SURGERY NOW.

- BABY, WHAT ABOUT
ALL THE RESEARCH?
- SCREW THE RESEARCH.

GET ME THE DRUGS.

I'M SORRY.
I WAS TOLD THE BLACK
BALD GUY AT THE COUNTER

WHO'S ALWAYS TRYING
TO "GET SOME" IS
AN ANESTHESIOLOGIST.

- IS THAT YOU?
- THAT IS ME, BUT I'M GOING
HOME IN JUST A SECOND.

CAN I JUST TALK
TO YOU FOR--

SORRY.
THAT GOES THERE.

MY WIFE TURNED DOWN
HER EPIDURAL, AND NOW
SHE TOTALLY REGRETS IT.

SHE'S IN A LOT OF PAIN.

I'M VERY SORRY,
BUT YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO SPEAK

TO ONE OF
THE ANESTHESIOLOGISTS
THAT ARE ON-CALL.

I'M JUST GONNA GET OUT OF HERE,
BECAUSE IN A FEW MINUTES
I'M GONNA CRACK.

EXCUSE ME.
WE CAN'T FIND ANYBODY ELSE.

EXCUSE ME. DO YOU NOT
SEE TWO GROWN FOLKS
TALKING RIGHT HERE?

CAN YOU RESPECT THAT?

DAMN CAUCAZOIDS BE GETTING
ON MY NERVES SOMETIMES.

2520S ALL OVER
THIS MOTHER.

HEY!

- YOU'RE DEAD, SON!
- LOOK OUT!

- LOOK OUT!
- DON'T TOUCH HIM.
THAT'S MINE!

HONEY, I FOUND ONE.

CAN YOU PLEASE
GET ME AN EPIDURAL?

PLEASE?

AHH...

MUCH BETTER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

JUST GLAD
I COULD HELP, SOFIA.

ALL RIGHT,
YOU CAN TAKE HIM AWAY.

- TRYING TO STEAL
A BROTHER'S HUMMER.
- PLEASE FORGIVE ME.

HE WAS JUST TRYING
TO HELP ME. DON'T MAKE HIM
MISS HIS SON BEING BORN.

THERE MUST BE
SOMETHING WE CAN DO.

BABE, WE STILL DON'T
HAVE A NAME FOR OUR SON.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

HAKIM.

- WHAT'S YOUR LAST NAME?
- OLIVER.

Tom:
HEY, OLIVER.

HE'S BEAUTIFUL.

BABY...

A FUNNY THING HAPPENED
AT WORK TODAY.

IT'S A SETBACK, BABY,
BUT WE'RE GONNA GET
THROUGH THIS.

THE IMPORTANT THING
IS THAT WE HAVE

A BEAUTIFUL, PERFECT,
HANDSOME BABY BOY, RIGHT?

AND WE LOVE EACH OTHER.

RIGHT?

DO YOU REMEMBER HOW WE
DECIDED THAT I WAS GONNA
STAY HOME WITH OUR BABY

AND YOU WERE GONNA
SUPPORT US?

SOFIA, IT WAS THE PRINCIPLE
OF THE THING. YOU SHOULD
HAVE SEEN THIS GUY.

IT'S ALWAYS
"THE PRINCIPLE
OF THE THING."

FIRST, IT WAS
THE MUSEUM JOB,

BUT THEN YOU DIDN'T WANT
TO TURN INTO A PRETENTIOUS
SOCIAL CLIMBER.

THEN YOU BECOME
A MAGAZINE WRITER,

WHICH LASTS UNTIL YOU TELL
YOUR EDITOR HE'S A WHORE.

NOT AN ACTUAL WHORE, SOFIA.
A WHORE TO THE ENTERTAINMENT
INDUSTRY.

YOU SPEAK YOUR MIND
AND YOU CAN SMELL
BULLSHIT A MILE AWAY,

AND THAT'S WHAT
I LOVE ABOUT YOU,

BUT SOONER OR LATER,
PEOPLE MAKE COMPROMISES.

THEY DON'T
LIKE WHAT THEY DO.
THEY HATE THEIR BOSS.

THEY'RE BORED
MOST OF THE TIME.
IT'S WHAT HAVING A JOB IS.

MM-HMM.

OKAY, WELL,
WHAT IF THIS WHOLE THING

WAS A MESSAGE FROM GOD?

WHAT DO YOU THINK GOD'S
TRYING TO TELL US?

MAYBE HE'S TRYING
TO TELL US THAT
IT'S TIME FOR US

TO MOVE OUT
OF NEW YORK CITY.

I COULD FINALLY
TAKE YOUR DAD UP
ON HIS JOB OFFER.

( rock music playing )

♪ HE WAS TIED
TO THE BED ♪

♪ WITH A MIRACLE DRUG
IN ONE HAND ♪

♪ IN THE OTHER, A GREAT LOST
NOVEL THAT I UNDERSTAND ♪

♪ WAS RETURNED ♪

♪ WITH A STAMP ♪

♪ THAT SAID "THANK YOU
FOR YOUR INTEREST"... ♪

WHOO-HOO, OHIO!
LOOK, OLIVER!

- ♪ WHILE PREPARING HIS SOUL ♪
- YES!

♪ FOR A PERILOUS SLIDE
INTO CRIME ♪

♪ HE HAD DECIDED
THAT HE WOULD ERR ♪

♪ ON THIS SIDE
OF DIVINE ♪

♪ BEING TOLD
THIS IS WISE... ♪

LOT OF WHITE PEOPLE
IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.

♪ THAT THERE'D BE PAYBACK
WITH INTEREST IN DUE TIME ♪

♪ SO WHY ♪

♪ ALL THE HISTORY NOW? ♪

KIDS, WELCOME!

GREAT!
IT'S YOUR PARENTS.

THEY'RE IN
OUR HOUSE ALREADY.

- LOOK AT THAT BABY!
- I'M GONNA EAT YOU!

- I'M GONNA EAT YOU UP!
- BABY!

YOUR STUFF GOT HERE
SAFE AND SOUND,

NOT THAT YOU
HAD VERY MUCH.

DAD, OUR APARTMENT IN NEW YORK
WAS ABOUT THE SIZE
OF THIS PORCH.

I LOVE IT.
GO AHEAD.

WHOSE FURNITURE IS THIS?

- SURPRISE!
- GOT YOU A LITTLE
HOUSEWARMING GIFT.

YOU KNOW, HAVING A JOB
COMPLETELY CHANGES
A MAN, TOM.

IT'S NOT JUST
ABOUT THE MONEY.

IT'S ABOUT HAVING
A PURPOSE.

IT'S ABOUT FEELING
PROUD OF YOURSELF.

- DAD.
- YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN
EMPLOYED BEFORE, BOB.

NO, I'M NOT TALKING
ABOUT A COOK.

I'M TALKING ABOUT
A REAL JOB.

- DAD, TOM WAS A CHEF.
- A CHEF'S A COOK, RIGHT?

PERSONALLY, I THINK BEING
A COOK IS A REAL JOB.

YOU WANT A TIP ON
HOW TO SUCCEED, YOU TAKE
A LOOK AT THIS GIRL HERE.

DID YOU KNOW THAT YOUR WIFE
WAS PHI BETA KAPPA?

THAT SHE GOT 170
ON THE LSAT?

I KNOW THAT, BOB.

IF YOU REMEMBER,
WE'VE BEEN DATING
SINCE COLLEGE.

ME LLAMO EL POLLO...
( chirps )

DON'T EAT ME!
I'M FOR GROWNUPS!

YOU KNOW WHO I'M PUTTING IN
CHARGE OF TRAINING TOM?

- CHIP SANDERS.
- OH, GREAT.

SO WHAT'S THIS
CHIP GUY LIKE?

I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM
FOR YEARS.

WE WERE
IN CHEERLEADING TOGETHER.

WHICH REMINDS ME,

WHEN ARE YOU GONNA
DIG OUT ONE OF YOUR
CHEERLEADING OUTFITS

AND DO A LITTLE
ROUTINE FOR ME?

I DON'T KNOW.
ARE YOU GONNA SCORE
A TOUCHDOWN FOR ME?

OH, I WILL SCORE
A TOUCHDOWN.

I WILL.

TOM, DON'T.

IT'S JUST...

OLIVER EATS FROM THERE.
IT JUST SEEMS KIND OF WEIRD.

I'M SORRY.
MAYBE IT'S JUST
A LITTLE TOO EARLY.

- IS THAT OKAY?
- OF COURSE IT'S OKAY.
OF COURSE.

- IT'S TOTALLY FINE.
- OKAY.

WISH ME LUCK,
FAMILY MEMBERS.
( kisses )

- GIVE 'EM HELL.
- I'LL MISS YOU GUYS.

( silent )

♪ YOU'VE GOT THE RIGHT,
WE'RE TELLIN' YOU TO
REMAIN SATISFIED. ♪

TOM, HI.

- WELCOME TO SUNBURST.
- THANK YOU.

I SHOULD'VE TOLD YOU,
SUIT AND TIE IS NOT REQUIRED.

CASUAL FRIDAY
EVERY DAY?

NO, IT'S NOT BUSINESS CASUAL.
WE TRIED THAT.

IT'S BUSINESS APPROPRIATE.

IT'S ABOUT BEING YOURSELF,
BUT IN AN APPROPRIATE WAY.

IT'S KIND OF SPECIAL.

YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN HERE
LONGER THAN ANYBODY,
30 YEARS.

LAST YEAR
A VISIONARY TOOK OVER.

HIS NAME-- DON WOLLEBIN.

Bob: GUYS!
GUYS,
I WANT YOU TO MEET
TOM REILLY,

OUR NEW ASSISTANT
ASSOCIATE-CREATIVE.

- Both: HEY, TOM.
- HEY, GUYS.

- THIS IS MANNY.
- THIS IS DOUG.

- UH-OH. UH-OH.
- UH-OH. UH-OH.

- WHAT'S THAT?
- WHAT ARE YOU
TRYING TO DO?

- YOU GOT SOMETHING
IN YOUR HAND OVER THERE?
- HEY, TOM, CATCH!

- WHOOPS!
- YES!

NICE, MANNY!

- CAN'T LET MY MAN DOWN.
- YOU GOT TO CATCH IT, TOM.

THE "YES" BALL GETS
THROWN AROUND THE OFFICE
ALL DAY LONG.

IT'S A WAY OF SHOWING
THAT WE'RE ALL IN SYNC.

- OH.
- ONCE YOU START THINKING
ABOUT STUFF IN A NEW WAY,

IT'LL TURN YOUR WHOLE
WORLD UPSIDE DOWN.

COME ON.

OH MY GOD.

Bob:
PEOPLE JUST AREN'T EATING
AS MUCH FRIED FISH ANYMORE.

SO DON SAYS,
"LET'S SHIFT THE PARADIGM.

FORGET FRIED FISH.

LET'S RE-INVENT
THE TARTAR SAUCE

AS A HAMBURGER SPREAD.

CALL IT 'PICKLE WHIP'

AND SELL IT TO TEENAGERS!"

- THAT'S CLASSIC WOLLEBIN.
- Bob: NO QUESTION.

NOW LAST BUT NOT LEAST,

I WANT TO INTRODUCE
ALL OF YOU

TO OUR NEW ASSISTANT
ASSOCIATE CREATIVE--

TOM REILLY.

THANK YOU ALL.
I'M SURE THAT THIS
EXPERIENCE WILL--

SIT DOWN, TOM.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.

- HEY, TOM.
- UH-OH.

NICE CATCH!

- THROW IT!
- NICE!

HERE WE GO!

YES, THROW IT AROUND!
THROW IT AROUND!

OH, I DON'T WANT
TO DO IT, EITHER.
OR DO I?

GO LONG!

COME ON, BUDDY.
YOU GOT TO JUMP
FOR THOSE.

UNFORTUNATELY, I CAN'T.

AND I HAVEN'T BEEN
ABLE TO, TOM,

SINCE I WAS FIVE.

IT'S GREAT
TO MEET YOU, THOUGH.
MY NAME'S CHIP SANDERS.

THIS IS THE GUY YOU'RE
GONNA BE WORKING UNDER.

HEY, CHIP, I'M REALLY SORRY
ABOUT WHAT JUST HAPPENED.

I FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT.

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, TOM.
WE DON'T APOLOGIZE
AT SUNBURST.

YOU KNOW, THE JAPANESE HAVE
A TERM CALLED MOUSHIWAKE.

IT'S A WAY OF SAYING
YOU'RE SORRY

AND TAKING RESPONSIBILITY.

AT SUNBURST, IF YOU FEEL
YOU'VE FALLEN SHORT,

YOU WRITE A MOUSHIWAKE

ON ONE OF THESE
LITTLE YELLOW PADS.

HERE. HERE YOU GO.

JUST GO AHEAD,
WRITE IT DOWN.

"CHIP, I'M SORRY I THREW
THE IMAGINARY BALL--"

IT'S SUPPOSED
TO BE SILENT.

TOM, DON'T YOU
WORRY ABOUT IT.

IF I GOT DEPRESSED
EVERY TIME SOMEBODY
MADE A JOKE AT MY EXPENSE,

- I'D NEVER GET OUT OF BED.
- I WASN'T MAKING A JOKE.
I DIDN'T--

TOM, YOU'LL BE WORKING
UNDER THE BEST HERE.

- OH, STICKY.
- I'M SORRY.

CHIP JUST WON

OHIO ADVERTISER
OF THE YEAR.

- CONGRATULATIONS.
- I DON'T DO IT
FOR THE AWARDS.

HE CREATED
SEÑOR TOMATO

FOR THE KETCHUP KALIENTE
CAMPAIGN.

AY, CALIENTE!

ARRIBA.

- I LOVE THIS GUY.
- YEAH, I'M PRETTY PROUD
OF HIM.

THERE'S NOT A LOT
OF LATINO CHARACTERS
IN ADVERTISING.

HE SEEMS LIKE
A REALLY NICE ROLE MODEL.

WELL, IT'S NICE
TO DO WELL,

BUT ALSO TO DO GOOD.

AY, CALIENTE!

- ( cooing )
- LOOK WHO'S AWAKE!

IT'S MR. STINKY-WINKY!

IT'S MR. STINKY-WINKY'S
PINKIES.

YOU MADE MOMMY
A NICE LITTLE POO,
A STINKY POO.

YES, YOU DID.

A BINKY DRINKY.
A PINKY DINKY.

"HE BACKED AWAY.
HIS HAND HOLDING THE
PURPLE CRAYON SHOOK."

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
A WORD I'M SAYING, DO YOU?

"JOHNSON TOLD THE SENATE
SUBCOMMITTEE

HE WAS SATISFIED
WITH THE PRESIDENT'S BUDGET,

EVEN THOUGH IT REPRESENTED
A 6% DECREASE

FROM LAST YEAR."

SO...

YOU MARRIED
SOFIA KOWALSKI.

- YOU ARE ONE LUCKY MAN.
- THANKS.

- DO YOU LOVE HER, TOM?
- OH, YEAH.

DO YOU EARN HER LOVE
EVERY SINGLE DAY?

I BELIEVE I DO, CHIP.

THAT'S ALL
I NEED TO HEAR.

SO, LISTEN,
I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I DON'T CARE

WHETHER YOU GOT THIS JOB
THROUGH FAMILY CONNECTIONS

OR HAD TO EARN IT
LIKE THE REST OF US.

WHAT'S IMPORTANT
IS THAT YOU'RE HERE,
AND THAT'S AWESOME.

OKAY, WELL,
I'M JUST EXCITED
TO JUMP IN.

WHATEVER YOU GOT FOR ME,
JUST LET ME KNOW.

HANG ON THERE, KILLER.
WE'RE GONNA WALK BEFORE
WE RUN, OKAY?

- DID YOU SEE "KARATE KID"?
- YEAH.

MIYAGI. MACCHIO,
OKAY?

AND RIGHT NOW WE'RE IN

THE "WAX ON, WAX OFF"
PERIOD.

ADVERTISING HERE.

ADVERTISING NEVER HERE.

She and my mom got in
a heated argument and my mom
took her to the ground

and started hitting her,

while my dad stood
over top, laughing.

Man #2:
Did you later find out
that that wasn't true?

- HEARSAY.
- Man #3: Your honor, hearsay.

- Man #2: Did you ever hear
your sister say that
- ( faint popping )

- that she hated your mother?
- Man: Constantly.

- HI.
- HI.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- NOTHING.

- ARE THOSE SNAPS?
- YEAH.

- THAT'S PRETTY COOL.
- IT'S PRETTY STUPID.

MY DAD WON'T LET ME
WATCH TV ANYMORE.

- THAT'S BULLSHIT, DUDE.
- YEAH.

THIS IS ALL I CAN DO.

WANT TO TRADE?

- JUST KIDDING.
- ( silence )

LIKE,
THAT ONE WAS A DUD.

IT HAPPENS.

SO DURING THE SCHOOL YEAR
I LIVE WITH MY MOM
IN NEW JERSEY.

AND I SPEND THE SUMMER
HERE WITH MY DAD.

BUT HE'S AT WORK
ALL THE TIME,

AND ALL MY FRIENDS
LIVE BACK IN PARSIPPANY,

SO IT'S PRETTY GAY.

HEY, THINK FAST.

I'M JUST MESSING
WITH YOU.

- I'M CAROL, BY THE WAY.
- TOM.

- HEY, TOM, CAN I GIVE
YOU SOME ADVICE?
- YEAH.

GET OUT OF HERE. RUN.
RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

WALK OUT THAT DOOR
AND DON'T LOOK BACK.

I'M JUST KIDDING.

BUT NOT REALLY.

THIS IS GONNA BE AWESOME.
SOMEBODY'S EATING
CHIP'S YOGURT.

WATCH YOUR LEGS.
NO BRAKES! THANK YOU.

HOW WE DOING, GANG,
HUH?

UH-OH.
EITHER ONE OF YOU
TWO GUYS SEEN WHAT--

- IS THIS YOUR YOGURT?
- UH-HUH.

OH, BECAUSE BOB HAD SAID
SOMETHING ABOUT, LIKE,

FREE SNACKS
IN THE KITCHEN.

MUFFINS.

MUFFINS ARE FOR EVERYONE.
YOGURT'S MINE.

EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.
LISTEN, MY FAULT.

- YOU'RE NEW.
- I'LL JUST GO BUY
YOU ANOTHER ONE.

NO, NO, I'M YOUR MENTOR.
I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU.

I'LL GO HUNGRY TODAY.
THAT'LL BE MY PUNISHMENT.

NO, NO, PLEASE.
AT LEAST FINISH
THE REST OF THIS.

NO, YOU'VE ALREADY DONE
ABOUT TWO-THIRDS OF THAT.
WHY DON'T YOU FINISH IT OFF?

OKAY, ENJOY. IT'S PEACH.
MY FAVORITE.

I GIVE YOU ONE WEEK.

Sofia:
WHO IS THAT?
WHO IS THAT?

HI, DAD!

DAD, I POOPED TODAY.
WHAT DID YOU DO?

HEY, PLEASE CHANGE
MY DIAPER, DAD.

MY DAD LOVES CHIP.
HE'S LIKE THE SON
HE NEVER HAD.

- WHAT ABOUT ME?
- IT'S COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

YOU'RE HIS SON-IN-LAW.

CHIP'S A GREAT GUY, BABE.
HE JUST--

I DON'T KNOW.
HE SEEMS A LITTLE
ANGRY OR SOMETHING.

WELL, MAYBE YOU'D BE
A LITTLE ANGRY TOO

IF YOU'D LOST
THE USE OF YOUR LEGS.

IT'S NOT THAT.
I DON'T KNOW.

HE JUST--
HE'S NICE.

I JUST--
I THINK HE MIGHT
HAVE A DARK SIDE.

TOM, THIS IS YOUR
FIRST WEEK ON THE JOB.

I REALLY HOPE YOU'RE
NOT PICKING A FIGHT.

I'M NOT SAYING
ANYTHING BAD ABOUT HIM.

EVERYBODY HAS A DARK SIDE.
I HAVE A DARK SIDE.

I'M VERY DANGEROUS.

- OH, YEAH?
- YEAH.

- COME HERE.
- ( toilet flushes )

WHAT'S UP?

- WHO IS THAT PERSON?
- THAT'S WESLEY.

HIS DAD DOESN'T LET
HIM WATCH TV.

I don't see the wisdom

of selling directly
to consumers.

DO YOU REMEMBER WE SPOKE
ABOUT SMITH & HAWKEN, SIR?
2,000% SALES GROWTH?

WE'VE GOT
A THREE-PRONGED STRATEGY--

WEB ADVERTISING,
PRODUCT PARTNERSHIPS
AND PRINT ADS.

ACTUALLY,
IT'S A FOUR-PRONGED STRATEGY.
YOU FORGOT ABOUT DIRECT MAILING.

DIRECT MAILING IS NOT PART
OF THIS STRATEGY.

- ACTUALLY, IT IS.
- NO, IT'S NOT.

IT IS, CHIP. IF YOU
TOOK THE TIME TO READ
THE REPORT LIKE I DID,

PAGES 23 THROUGH 29,
DIRECT MAILING.

I specifically said,
"No junk mail."

Now "no junk mail" means
"no direct mailing."

Did my son say
you could do this?

This meeting is over.
Goodbye.

( sighs )

I'M REALLY SORRY.

I GUESS I SHOULDN'T
HAVE SAID THAT.

THAT REPORT
WAS FOR INTERNAL
DISTRIBUTION ONLY.

THAT'S WHAT "FOR INTERNAL
DISTRIBUTION ONLY" MEANS.

MR. NORDHAUS' SON ASKED US
NOT TO TELL HIS FATHER

ABOUT THE DIRECT MAILING.

BECAUSE IN FIVE YEARS,
WHEN DIRECT MAILING
TAKES EFFECT,

- MR. NORDHAUS'LL BE DEAD.
- I can still hear you.

- ( phone clicks )
- I GUESS WE CAN KISS
THAT ACCOUNT GOODBYE.

BOB, I'M REALLY SORRY.

I MEAN, MOUSHIWAKE.

I'LL WRITE
A MOUSHIWAKE, BOB.

BOB, IF ANYBODY SHOULD BE
WRITING A MOUSHIWAKE, IT'S ME.

- TOM IS MY RESPONSIBILITY.
- Bob: CHIP, PLEASE.

HE'S THE ONE
WHO SCREWED UP.

WOLLEBIN GETS BACK
FROM NEPAL TOMORROW.

I DON'T WANT TO TELL HIM
YOU BLEW A MAJOR ACCOUNT
ON YOUR SECOND DAY.

I'M GONNA SAY
IT WAS ME.

OH, NO, NO, I CAN'T LET
YOU TAKE THE RAP FOR THAT.

- LET ME DO IT.
- ABSOLUTELY NOT, CHIPPER.

IT'S MY FAMILY.

I'LL CLEAN UP THE MESS.

WELL, THANK YOU, BOB.
I APPRECIATE THAT.

LET'S GO BACK TO WORK.

HEY, TOM, IT'S PROBABLY
NONE OF MY BUSINESS,

BUT I DOUBT I'D EVER
LET MY FATHER-IN-LAW

TAKE A BULLET
FOR ME LIKE THAT.

- CHIP, IT IS NONE
OF YOUR BUSINESS.
- SOFIA.

WE ARE THE TIGERS!

AND WE'RE NOT COCKY.

BUT WE'LL
RUN YOU OVER...

Both:
LIKE A KAWASAKI.

VROOM-VROOM!

- HEY, BABY.
- SOFIA, HEY!
LET ME SEE THE BABY.

- THIS IS HIM.
- OH MY GOSH,

LOOK WHAT YOU'VE MADE!

WHO'S THE FATHER?
HAVE YOU FOUND HIM?

SOFIA, READY, OKAY!

REMEMBER THIS?

Both:
LET ME TELL YOU
WHAT WE ARE:

W-I-N-N-E-R!

THAT'S IT!
SECOND HALF, SECOND HALF.

LET ME TELL YOU
WHAT YOU ARE:

L-O-S-E-R!

- THAT'S GREAT.
- Chip: AND...

RIVERSIDE TIGERS,
OUT OF SIGHT!

RIVERSIDE TIGERS,
DYN-O-MITE!

- I WANT TO SHOW YOU MY--
- HANG ON. HANG ON.

- EXPLODE.
- EXPLODE!

- EXPLODE!
- ( laughs )

EXPLODE?

COME ON, YOU REMEMBER
HOW STRONG CHIPS AHOY IS.

- COME ON, I GOT YOU.
READY? HA!
- OKAY.

EXPLODE!

OH, YEAH.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
HE REMEMBERED
ALL THE MOVES.

OH, YEAH,
HE'S A REAL CHAMP.

I BET HE HAD A HUGE CRUSH
ON YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL,
DIDN'T HE?

WELL...

WE DID, SORT OF
HAVE SEX ONCE.

WHAT?

I THOUGHT YOU SAID
HE WAS PARALYZED
FROM THE WAIST DOWN.

WELL, NOT COMPLETELY.

SO YOU JUST, LIKE,
FORGOT TO TELL ME
ABOUT IT?

IT WAS
A LONG TIME AGO.

I DIDN'T WANT YOU
THINKING ABOUT THAT
WHEN YOU MET THE GUY.

IT'S GROSS.
I THINK YOU SHOWED
REALLY BAD JUDGMENT.

- WHY?
- BECAUSE,
NO OFFENSE TO CHIP...

BUT HE'S A DICK.

YOU'RE NOT REALLY JEALOUS,
ARE YOU?

DON'T YOU KNOW I'M SAVING
MY SPECIAL CHEER FOR YOU?

- YOU HAVE A SPECIAL CHEER?
- YEAH.

CAN I SEE IT?

SHOW ME UPSTAIRS.

- HI.
- HELLO, WESLEY.

CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING?

NO, I'M ALL RIGHT.

GOT MY TWIZZLER.

- YOU GOT IT?
- YEAH, I GOT IT.

SO YOU SPEND ANY TIME
AT YOUR OWN HOUSE THERE,
WESLEY?

WESLEY'S MOM LIVES
IN NEW JERSEY,

AND HIS DAD WORKS LATE.

OH...

WELL, I'M GLAD
WE COULD HELP OUT.

WELCOME
TO THE FAMILY, WESLEY.

THANKS, TOM.
HEY, GUYS,

YOU WANNA SEE SOMETHING
REALLY COOL?

SURE.

( gulps )

WESLEY, YOU'RE
GONNA HURT YOURSELF.

THAT WAS AWESOME.

WAIT A SECOND.
THIS IS IT.

- Sofia: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- THE PICKLE WHIP CAMPAIGN.

THIS IS HOW I'M GONNA
REDEEM MYSELF.

YOU GOTTA PROMISE ME YOU'RE
NEVER GONNA DO THAT AGAIN.

DO THAT AGAIN.

- I DON'T FEEL SO GOOD.
- OH, COME ON, BUDDY.
I NEED THIS FOR WORK.

- I DON'T KNOW.
- I'LL GIVE YOU 20 BUCKS.

- TOM!
- DONE AND DONE.

THERE'S MY LITTLE
"KARATE KID"!

YOU KNOW, TOM,
WHEN I TOLD YOU

TO MEET ME AT THE GYM
AT 7:45, I DIDN'T MEAN 47.

I'M SO SORRY, CHIP.
LISTEN, I THINK I HAVE
A REALLY COOL IDEA

FOR THE PICKLE WHIP
CAMPAIGN. LAST NIGHT--

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
FIRST OF ALL, I NEED YOU
TO CALM DOWN.

- I'M PRETTY CALM.
- GREAT. WE'RE GOING TO START
BY JUST PAINTING A FENCE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
'CAUSE TODAY'S NOT
FOR WORK IDEAS.

TODAY IS FOR BONDING.
WE'RE GONNA EXERCISE
TOGETHER LIKE MEN.

DO YOU KNOW
HOW TO EXERCISE
LIKE A MAN, TOM?

I'M GUESSING THERE
WON'T BE ANY PILATES.

( wheels screech )

OF COURSE THERE
WON'T BE ANY PILATES, TOM.
I'VE GOT WHEELS FOR LEGS.

OKAY?
I CAN NEVER DO PILATES,

NO MATTER HOW SUPER
YOU AND YOUR LITTLE
SISSY FRIENDS THINK IT IS.

WE'RE GONNA
PLAY BASKETBALL.

- YOU PLAY BASKETBALL?
- THAT'S RIGHT.

OF COURSE YOU DO.
ALL RIGHT.

WELL,
WE'LL PLAY BASKETBALL.

WOULD YOU HOLD THAT FOR ME?
THANK YOU.

- CHIP, NO.
- TOM, YES.

I ALREADY TOLD THE GUYS
YOU WERE GONNA JOIN US.
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.

I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE
DOING THAT, MAN.
I'M SORRY.

OH, COME ON.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN
"COMFORTABLE"?

WE DO THIS ALL THE TIME
WITH ABLE-BODIED GUYS.
YOU'LL HAVE FUN.

WELL, IF THEY'RE
ALL COOL WITH IT.

ABSOLUTELY,
THEY'RE COOL WITH IT.
ARE YOU COOL WITH IT?

ARE YOU DOWN?
COME ON, GET IN
AND SADDLE UP.

THE RULES ARE
BASICALLY THE SAME,
EXCEPT FOR THE DRIBBLING.

OKAY? PLAYER IN POSSESSION
OF THE BALL MAY NOT
PUSH HIS CHAIR

MORE THAN TWICE
IN SUCCESSION

WITH ONE OR BOTH HANDS
IN EITHER DIRECTION

WITHOUT FIRST TAPPING
THE BALL TO THE FLOOR
AGAIN, OKAY?

BASICALLY,
TWO CONSECUTIVE PUSHES

CONSTITUTES
A TRAVELING VIOLATION.
YOU GOT THAT, RIGHT?

OH, AND DON'T MOVE
YOUR LEGS AT ALL
DURING THE GAME.

THE PLAYERS CONSIDER
THAT POOR ETIQUETTE.

- FELLAS!
- Man: HEY, CHIP.

- OH, BOY.
- Chip: HOW YOU DOING?

- HELLO, HELLO.
- WHAT UP, CHIP?

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN.
I'M GONNA PLAY WITH EDDIE.

NEW GUY,
YOU GET THE COLONEL.

COLONEL?

- YOU ANY GOOD?
- NO.

- CAN YOU SHOOT?
- NO.

- FAST IN THAT CHAIR?
- SLOW.

- GOOD AT DEFENSE?
- I'M MORE OF A BEGINNER.

- I LIKE YOU.
- THANK YOU.

YOU'RE HONEST.
I DON'T LIKE FAKERS.

I DON'T LIKE FAKERS.

NOBODY LIKES A FAKER,
SIR.

JUST TRY YOUR BEST.
KEEP YOUR HANDS IN
OFF THE GUARDRAILS

- OR ELSE SOMEBODY COULD COME
ALONG AND SMASH THEM!
- ( yells )

- GAME ON, GUYS!
- BUT WE'RE TEAMMATES!

HEY, BRO, YOU CAN'T
LEAVE ME UP HERE!

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU SOMETHING.
HERE, THAT'S A GIVE-AND-GO.

WATCH THIS.
WHICH WAY AM I GOING?
THAT WAY? NO, THIS WAY!

AND THAT'S A PICK.
RIGHT BACK.

HERE COMES THE SCORE.

THAT'S A LITTLE DEFENSE
YOU NEED TO LEARN HOW
TO PLAY, OKAY?

FOCUS.

THIS WAY, BUDDY.

- LET'S GO! MOVE IT!
- ( yells )

Chip: SORRY!

- I'M OPEN!
- HANDS IN!

( yells )
WHY?

OH, THAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.

GET THAT THING IN GEAR!
MOVE IT!

OKAY, 10-10, GAME POINT.

- BRING IT.
- BALL'S IN!

ALL RIGHT,
WORK IT BACK AROUND.
BACK UP TOP, BACK UP TOP!

HERE WE GO.
EDDIE!

YOU MISSED IT!
BACK TO ME!

THIS IS WHAT
YOU WANT, PAL! HEY!

GO, KID!

A-HA-HA!
IN YOUR FACE!

( whistles )
GUYS, HIS LEG JUST MOVED.

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

YOU CAN WALK?

I THINK THERE
MUST BE A LITTLE BIT
OF A MISUNDERSTANDING.

CHIP, CAN YOU--

OOH-OOH,
LOOKS LIKE TROUBLE.

MOUSHIWAKE ON THE WHOLE

MIX-UP THING, TOM.

IN MY DEFENSE,
I WAS ABLE TO PRY YOU

FROM THE COLONEL'S DEATH
GRIP ABOUT FIVE SECONDS
AFTER YOU BLACKED OUT.

THANK YOU SO MUCH,
CHIP.

DON'T YOU MENTION IT.
YOU'RE MY DAWG.

LET'S GO TAKE A SHOWER.
DID YOU BRING ANY SHAMPOO?

NO, I--
OH MY GOD!

- OW!
- CAREFUL.

- YOU WANT TO PUT THE TOWEL
AROUND YOUR WAIST?
- I'M ALL SET.

NOW, TOM, DIDN'T YOU WANT
TO TELL ME A LITTLE IDEA

FOR THE PICKLE WHIP
CAMPAIGN?

NO, I'M COOL.

GOOD. 'CAUSE YOU'RE STILL
REAL NEW AT THE COMPANY,
BIG GUY, ALL RIGHT?

YOU'RE A LONG WAYS
FROM BEING READY
TO PITCH ANY IDEAS.

LET'S NOT GET AHEAD
OF OURSELVES, OKAY?

- FINE.
- AND, TOM, IT'S OKAY
TO LOOK AT HIM.

HE LIKES IT.
DON'T YOU?

OW!

YOU HIT MY FACE.

IF YOU WANT TO FEEL
YOUR INSIGNIFICANCE

IN THE VASTNESS
OF THE UNIVERSE,
I MEAN REALLY FEEL IT,

TRY BOARDING
IN THE HIMALAYAS.

YOU, INSPIRE ME.

SORRY ABOUT YOUR FACE.

THAT'S DON WOLLEBIN.

POWER PICKLE.
HE'S SEÑOR TOMATO,
ONLY LESS MEXICAN,

TWICE THE ATTITUDE.

POWER PICKLE
LOVES EXTREME SKATING.

HE LOVES
EXTREME SNOWBOARDING.

ALSO ENJOYS
EXTREME SKYDIVING.

MOST OF ALL,
HE ENJOYS EXTREME LUNCHING.

- THAT'S GOOD.
- IT'S PHALLIC.

OOPS.

- THAT FEELS
LIKE A COMMERCIAL.
- EXACTLY.

NOBODY LIKES COMMERCIALS.

YOU KNOW,
THAT'S TRUE TOO.

- I HAVE SOMETHING, ACTUALLY.
- WHO'S THIS?

THIS IS TOM REILLY.
HE'S OUR NEW ASSISTANT
ASSOCIATE-CREATIVE.

TOM, IT'S GENERALLY
THE CREATIVES

OR THE ASSOCIATE-
CREATIVES

WHO MAKE THESE PROPOSALS.

IT IS BETTER TO LISTEN
TO A WISE BEGGAR

THAN A RICH FOOL.

I WANT
TO HEAR THE BEGGAR.

OKAY, THANK YOU.

I SAW THIS KID DO THIS

KIND OF FUNNY TRICK
THE OTHER DAY.

AND I DON'T KNOW,

I THINK IT WOULD
MAKE A HILARIOUS AD.
TELL ME WHAT YOU GUYS THINK.

( laughing )

NO WAY!

THAT'S FUNNY.

CONGRATULATIONS, TOM.
YOU DID IT.

TOM, I WANT YOU GOING DOWN
TO LION'S PRIDE TOMORROW

TO SHOW THIS THING
TO JACK CONNOR.

- CHIP.
- BOSS.

YOU'RE TOM'S WINGMAN
ON THIS THING.

WINGMAN, HIS.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

DO YOU MOUNTAIN BIKE?

YEAH, WHENEVER I GET
THE CHANCE.

THERE'S SOME AMAZING
TRAILS AROUND HERE,
ESPECIALLY AT DAWN.

IT'S AWE-INSPIRING.
WE SHOULD GO SOMETIME.

YEAH.

- ALL RIGHT.
- YEAH, IT'S GREAT, YEAH.

I GOT TO GET A BIKE.

HEY, I HOPE THERE'S
NO HARD FEELINGS,

'CAUSE I THOUGHT YOUR
WHOLE EXTREME PICKLE
THING WAS REALLY COOL,

- WHEN HE WAS SKYDIVING
AND STUFF--
- TOM.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING:
IF YOU THINK I CARE
ABOUT POWER PICKLE,

YOU'RE SORELY MISTAKEN,
OKAY?

I CAN THINK UP IDEAS
LIKE THAT IN MY SLEEP.

AND SOMEDAY, WHEN I'M
KICKING ASS IN BARCELONA,

I'M GONNA LOOK BACK
ON THIS WHOLE CAMPAIGN

AS SOME SAD,
PATHETIC,

LITTLE JOKE.

HE SAID THAT?

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT
HE WAS TALKING ABOUT.

THERE'S THIS AD AGENCY
IN BARCELONA CALLED IDEA.

THEY'RE, LIKE, CUTTING-EDGE
EURO-GENIUSES.

CHIP APPLIED FOR A JOB THERE.
NOBODY'S SUPPOSED
TO KNOW ABOUT IT,

BUT I SAW HIM
MAILING OFF A BUNCH

OF SEÑOR TOMATO
FIGURINES.

- THAT GUY IS OUT OF HIS MIND.
- TELL ME ABOUT IT.

HE IS GREAT
IN THE SACK, THOUGH.

- HOW DO YOU KNOW?
- NANCY SLEPT WITH HIM
LAST CHRISTMAS.

SHE SAID IT WAS
THE BEST SEX SHE EVER HAD.

APPARENTLY, HE CAN, LIKE,
BALANCE ON HIS ARMS

AND THEN THE ANGLE
MAKES IT INTENSE

- BECAUSE YOU'RE SITTING--
- I DON'T WANT TO HEAR
ABOUT IT, OKAY?

- WHAT THE HELL?
- WHAT?

- SOMEONE STOLE
THE PICTURE OF MY WIFE.
- ( doorbell rings )

- SOFIA KOWALSKI!
- ABBY MARCH, WOW!

HEY, IT IS SO GOOD
TO SEE YOU.

- AND WHO IS THIS LITTLE GUY?
- THIS IS OLIVER.

PETEY--

PETEY,

DO YOU WANT
TO GIVE OLIVER A HUG?

HMM? YEAH?

OH, THAT'S A BIG YES.

OH, YES.

LOVES.

OH. LOVES.

LOVES FOR YOUR
NEW FRIEND, OH.

THE APANA ASANA AIDS
IN DIGESTION

AND HELPS WITH GAS
AND CONSTIPATION.

SHALL WE ASK PERMISSION?

- ( all whispering )
- ( babies fussing )

DID YOU NEED SOME?

IT'S BAG BALM.

DAIRY FARMERS USE IT
AS A MOISTURIZER
FOR COW UDDERS,

AND IT IS THE BEST THING
IN THE WORLD FOR SORE NIPPLES.

- IT'S WONDERFUL.
- RIGHT.

Bob:
TOM, LOOK AT THIS LAMP.

WOLLEBIN JUST GAVE THIS
TO ME TO THANK ME
FOR HIRING YOU.

- WOW.
- YOU KNOW,

IT HASN'T BEEN EXACTLY
SMOOTH FOR ME

SINCE HE TOOK OVER.

ANYWAY, I JUST WANT
TO TELL YOU THAT

I THINK YOU'RE
DOING A GREAT JOB, SON.

WELL, THANK YOU...

- DAD.
- HAVE YOU SEEN MY WHALES?

WHAT?

HAVE I SHOWED YOU
MY WHALES?

NO.

SOMETIMES I JUST SIT
IN HERE AND STARE AT THEM.

- ( whales calling )
- Bob: IT'S SO PEACEFUL.

I EVEN GIVE THEM NAMES.

THAT ONE--
OW, FUCK!

- ARE YOU OKAY?
- THAT LAMP IS HOTTER
THAN SHIT!

- ( Oliver crying )
- SHH, COME ON, BUDDY.

( shushing )

- AFTER YOU.
- HI.

HELLO, WIFE.

HELLO, CHILD.

- DADDY'S HOME.
- HE'S BEEN LIKE THIS
ALL DAY.

OH, NO!
WHAT'S WRONG, CRANKY BEAR?

HEY, LITTLE BEAR.

GOTTA BE KIDDING ME.

- WHAT'S WITH THE BIKE?
- IT'S HOT, RIGHT?

WOLLEBIN ASKED ME TO GO
MOUNTAIN BIKING WITH HIM.

HE ASKED ME RIGHT AFTER
HE PUT ME IN CHARGE

OF THE PICKLE WHIP
CAMPAIGN.

- $1,200?
- BABE, A BIKE LIKE THAT
SHOULD COST $1,500.

TRY AND BEND THOSE RIMS.

TRY. KICK 'EM.
YOU CAN'T BEND THOSE RIMS.

THEY'RE CALLED
HIGH-PERFORMANCE RIMS.

HONEY, YOU'VE NEVER BEEN
MOUNTAIN BIKING IN YOUR LIFE.

LOOK, IF YOU WANT ME
TO RETURN THE BIKE,
I'LL RETURN THE BIKE.

- I WANT YOU TO RETURN THE BIKE.
- NO, I'M NOT GOING TO RETURN
THE BIKE,

BECAUSE I THINK PHYSICAL
FITNESS IS IMPORTANT,

AND I THINK IT'S GOOD
FOR MY CAREER.

MY DAY WAS TERRIBLE.

THIS GIRL I HATED
IN HIGH SCHOOL CAME OVER

AND MADE ME GO
TO HER BABY GROUP

AND EVERYONE CALLED ME
A BAD MOMMY.

YOU'RE AN AMAZING MOMMY.

DADDY GETS TO GO MOUNTAIN
BIKING WITH WOLLEBIN.

CHIP CAN'T GO
MOUNTAIN BIKING.

- TOM.
- IT WAS A JOKE.

I DON'T THINK MAKING FUN
OF PEOPLES' HANDICAP
IS FUNNY.

IT WAS A JOKE.

ASLEEP
IN UNDER FIVE MINUTES.

DADDY'S GOT
THE MAGIC TOUCH.

SO WHAT DOES WESLEY
GET OUT OF THIS WHOLE
PICKLE WHIP THING?

I ALREADY GOT HIM
TO SIGN A RELEASE.

HE GETS $1,000
IF THE AD AIRS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

IT'S BAG BALM, TOM.
THEY USE IT FOR COW'S UDDERS.

"RUB ON UDDERS."
WOW.

I DON'T KNOW, SWEETIE.
IT JUST FEELS LIKE
THE WHOLE THING'S

A LITTLE EXPLOITATIVE
OF WESLEY.

OH, I GET IT.

I THINK I SEE
WHAT'S HAPPENING.

SOMEBODY'S
A LITTLE JEALOUS.

- WHAT?
- OH, COME ON.

YOU'RE USED
TO BEING THE STAR,

AND NOW I'M IN
THE LIMELIGHT
A LITTLE BIT.

IT'S PROBABLY
DRIVING YOU CRAZY.
ADMIT IT.

ADMIT IT.

- SCORE A TOUCHDOWN.
- NOT GONNA HAPPEN, TOM.

USE THE BAG BALM.

JACK, GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
HOW ARE YOU?

PLEASE MEET TOM REILLY.
HE'S BEEN HELPING ME OUT
ON THE CAMPAIGN.

( Irish accent )
REILLY, IS IT?

DO YOU HAVE IRISH BLOOD
IN YOU BY ANY CHANCE?

( Irish accent )
ME FATHER'S FATHER
WAS AN IRISHMAN,

SO I HAVE A WEE BIT
OF THE LEPRECHAUN IN ME.

ARE YOU MAKING FUN
OF ME?

( normal voice )
NO, I'M SORRY.
I-- I--

I THOUGHT THAT WAS
A FAKE ACCENT.

- WHY?
- I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW.

THAT WAS UNFORTUNATE.

JACK, YOU'RE GONNA
LOVE THE NEW CAMPAIGN.
LET'S JUMP RIGHT IN.

( gulps )

I MEAN,
IS THAT SOMETHING?

IS THAT INCREDIBLE
OR WHAT?

WHEN I SAW THAT KID,
I SAID, "THAT'S IT."

WE'VE ALL JUST SAID
HELLO TO THE NEW FACE
OF PICKLE WHIP.

- WELL DONE, CHIP.
- THANKS SO MUCH, JACK.

SO SORRY, BUT YOU'RE GONNA
ALL HAVE TO EXCUSE ME.

JACK.
( whispers )

- OH, CERTAINLY, OF COURSE.
- GREAT.

Chip:
AND, TOM, DO US
A FAVOR, PLEASE

AND PRESENT THE MARKET-
PENETRATION STRATEGY.

MARKET-PENETRATION
STRATEGY.

SOMETHING THAT'S VERY
IMPORTANT TO TODAY'S
YOUTH MARKET...

PENETRATION.

LET'S STICK
WITH LONG-RANGE,

BECAUSE THAT WAY WE KNOW
WE'RE GONNA MAXIMIZE "P"--

PROFIT.

ISN'T "P" PRICE?

YOU'RE THINKING
OF UPPERCASE.

THIS IS A LOWERCASE "P".

WRITE THAT DOWN.
HERE WE GO.

NEXT SLIDE.

THAT'S JUST "J" AND "Q".

THERE THEY ARE.
NEXT SLIDE.

HAVE YOU TALKED TO CHRIS
ABOUT THE PENETRATION STRATEGY?

- CHRIS?
- CHRIS CALDWELL.

Woman:
YOUR DIRECTOR
OF MARKET RESEARCH.

OH, "CHRIS" CHRIS.

"CHRIS" CHRIS. YES.

I TALKED TO HIM
THIS MORNING.
HE LOVES IT.

CHRIS CALDWELL
IS A WOMAN.

YES.

WHY DID YOU SAY "HE"?

IT'S A LITTLE JOKE
WE HAVE.

EVERYBODY CALLS CHRIS
A "HE" BECAUSE...

SHE LOOKS LIKE A MAN.

SHE HAD
A LITTLE MUSTACHE.

BUT IT'S GONE.

SHE WAXED IT.

SHE LOOKS GREAT.
IF YOU GUYS SEE HER,

YOU GOTTA TELL HER
HOW GOOD SHE LOOKS

'CAUSE WE'RE ALL...
WE'RE ALL PROUD OF HER.

TOM, SORRY I HAD
TO DUCK OUT.

HOW'D THE REST
OF THE MEETING GO?

HOW DO YOU THINK IT WENT?
YOU LEFT ME HIGH AND DRY
IN THERE.

I'M SORRY.
I HAD A MEDICAL EMERGENCY.

YEAH, RIGHT.
WHAT KIND OF EMERGENCY?

WELL, I DON'T REALLY ENJOY
TALKING ABOUT IT IN FRONT
OF OTHER PEOPLE,

BUT IF YOU MUST KNOW,
I SOMETIMES HAVE A BLADDER
CONTROL PROBLEM, OKAY?

IT'S VERY EMBARRASSING,
BUT IT IS ONE OF THE THINGS
THAT YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH

WHEN YOU'RE PARALYZED
FROM THE WAIST DOWN.

( beeps )

Bob: A TOAST!

YOU KNOW, TOM,
TO BE HONEST,

FOR A LONG TIME,
AMELIA AND I HAVE
BEEN WONDERING

HOW LONG IT'S GONNA TAKE YOU
TO GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER.

- BOB!
- AMELIA, PLEASE!

IT'S TAKEN YOU A WHILE,

BUT YOU FINALLY REALIZED
WHO YOU ARE.

YOU'RE AN AD MAN.

TOM REILLY.

AD MAN.

Tom:
YOU LOOK UP
TO ME NOW, BUDDY.

WHEN YOU GET
A LITTLE BIT OLDER,

YOU'RE GONNA REALIZE
THAT YOUR DAD

HAS ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA
WHAT HE'S DOING.

I DON'T WANT
TO GO BACK OUT THERE.

I DON'T WANT
TO GO BACK OUT THERE,
SO HOW ABOUT YOU AND ME,

WE'RE JUST GONNA SIT
IN HERE UNTIL YOU CRAP
YOUR PANTS AGAIN.

OKAY?

ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH, WHY?

CHIP SAID YOU BLEW UP
AT HIM TODAY.

- WHAT, HE CALLED YOU?
- HE CALLED ME BECAUSE
HE WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

- HE SAID YOU WERE
ACTING KIND OF HOSTILE.
- I'M ACTING HOSTILE?

I'M GONNA KILL
THAT SON OF A BITCH.

JACK CONNOR TORE ME
A NEW ASSHOLE THIS MORNING.

WHAT THE HELL
IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?

BOB, MOUSHIWAKE, OKAY?
BUT CHIP HUNG ME OUT TO DRY.

JACK SAID THAT YOU MADE FUN
OF HIS MOTHER FOR HAVING
A MUSTACHE!

THAT'S NOT TRUE.
I SAID CHRIS CALDWELL
HAD A MUSTACHE.

CHRIS CALDWELL DOESN'T
HAVE A MUSTACHE!

I THOUGHT CHRIS CALDWELL
WAS A MAN BECAUSE CHRIS
IS OFTEN A MAN'S NAME.

THREE CREATIVES CAME
TO ME THIS MORNING

AND SAID THAT YOU
WERE HUMILIATING CHIP
ABOUT HIS DISABILITY.

- CHIP IS TRYING TO SABOTAGE ME.
- CHIP IS TRYING TO MENTOR YOU!

HE CAME TO ME AND SAID,
"HOW CAN I HELP HIM?"

OH, DON'T YOU SEE?
THAT'S PART OF HIS PLAN.

HE'S LIKE A MIND-GAME GENIUS,
THAT GUY.

YOU KNOW, YOU MAY NOT
CARE THAT I PUT MY JOB
ON THE LINE

TO GET YOU HIRED,
BUT YOU MOVED YOUR FAMILY
1,000 MILES FOR THIS.

YOU'VE GOT TO PULL
YOURSELF TOGETHER.

WE'RE JUST
WASHING OUR HANDS.

I JUST PUT HIM DOWN FOR A NAP.
I'M DESPERATE FOR A LITTLE
GROWNUP TALK.

- DID DEPALMA
COME BACK TO YOU?
- YEAH, WE GOT A COURT DATE.

NO, NO, NO,
THE OTHER FILE.

Honey, I'm so sorry.
It's crazy here.

- Can I call you later?
- SURE.

TOM, WAIT UP.
SORRY ABOUT THAT
BACK THERE.

- ROUGH TIMES, HUH?
- YEAH.

HEY, LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE
COULD USE A GOOD LISTENER,
BUDDY, HUH?

I JUST DON'T THINK I FIT
INTO THIS PLACE, MANNY.

- I'VE BEEN THERE, MAN.
- YOU?

YOU ARE SUNBURST.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU THINK SO, HUH?

THE SECOND I BOUGHT THIS
LITTLE GUY, IT MADE ME FEEL
A WHOLE LOT MORE HIP.

- WANT TO TRY IT ON?
- NO, NO, WHY DON'T YOU KEEP IT?
BECAUSE THAT'S YOURS.

IT'S NOT REALLY
A HIPNESS THING.
I JUST...

I'M NOT GETTING ALONG
WITH CHIP AT ALL

AND THAT'S REALLY STARTING
TO MESS UP MY RELATIONSHIP
WITH MY WIFE.

WELL, I THINK TODAY'S
YOUR LUCKY DAY.

I'M STUDYING
TO BE A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR.

- REALLY?
- YEAH.

I THOUGHT IT'D
BE A GREAT WAY
TO MEET WOMEN...

- AND MEN.
- OH, WOW. I GUESS THAT
INCREASES YOUR ODDS, HUH?

YEAH, I LIKE HAVING SEX
WITH WOMEN,

BUT MEN ARE BETTER CUDDLERS.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SURE.
SURE, I DO.

WELL, AT THIS POINT, MANNY,
I WOULD TRY ANYTHING.

I LOVE MY WIFE SO MUCH,
BUT I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW
TO TALK TO HER ANYMORE.

YOU KNOW?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO TELL HER I'M MISERABLE

WHEN SHE'S SO
HAPPY HERE?

( laughing )

SOFIA, REMEMBER
THAT THE LAUGHTER

STARTS DEEP WITHIN

AND THEN JUST COMES
RO-HO-HO-HO-OLLING OUT.

HA-HA-HA!

YEAH, I REALLY
ONLY LAUGH

WHEN SOMETHING
FUNNY HAPPENS.

I'VE NOTICED THAT OLIVER
ISN'T VERY HAPPY.

- HE NEVER SMILES.
- HE SMILES ALL THE TIME.

HE JUST ISN'T SMILING
RIGHT NOW.

NOW YOU'RE NOT GONNA
LIKE THIS, SOFIA,

BUT YOU ARE
A VERY UNHAPPY PERSON,

AND I DON'T THINK
IT'S GOOD FOR OLIVER.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO
LIKE THIS EITHER, ABBY,
BUT YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

AND YOUR SON, PETEY,
IS A DIPSHIT.

IT'S OKAY.

- ( Oliver crying )
- I KNOW, SWEETIE. HERE.

♪ IT'S PROFESSOR POLAR BEAR.
IT'S PROFESSOR POLAR BEAR. ♪

- ♪ IT'S PROFESSOR POLAR BEAR. ♪
- ( horn honks )

LET'S START BY TAKING

A NICE DEEP BREATH.

JUST RELAX, OKAY?

( telephone ringing )

MOM!

MOM, ANSWER THE PHONE!

SO SORRY. MOM!

ANSWER THE PHONE
AND DON'T COME DOWN HERE.
I'M HAVING A SESSION.

MANY OF THE EXERCISES
I'M STUDYING ARE A LITTLE
NEW AGE-Y,

SO I HOPE YOU GUYS'LL JUST
TRUST ME AND ROLL WITH IT.

- SURE.
- SURE, MANNY.

GREAT.
LET'S START BY...

HOLDING EACH
OTHER'S GENITALS.

- OKAY, I'M LEAVING.
- WHAT?!

- NO, NOT HOLDING, POKING.
- YOU'RE NOT POKING ANYTHING.

BABY, HE'S KIDDING.
TELL ME YOU'RE KIDDING.

I'M KIDDING.
JUST WANT TO LIGHTEN
THE MOOD, THAT'S ALL.

- LIGHTENING THE MOOD.
COME ON.
- THAT'S ALL IT IS.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
DON'T SIT DOWN.
I'VE GOT AN EXERCISE.

THIS IS CALLED
"I'M UPSET THAT..."

IT'S A GREAT WAY
TO GET TO THE ROOT
OF HURT FEELINGS.

YOU'LL EACH
COMPLETE THE SENTENCE,
"I'M UPSET THAT..."

AND THEN TAP EACH OTHER
WITH THE BAT, OKAY?

SOFIA, YOU GO FIRST.

I'M UPSET THAT YOU BOUGHT
THAT MOUNTAIN BIKE.

NOW TAP HIM.
BOOM.

GOOD. TOM.

I'M UPSET THAT...

WE HAVEN'T HAD SEX
IN A LONG TIME.

I'M UPSET THAT
YOU DIDN'T GET THE CHANCE

TO HAVE AN 8-LB BABY
SHOOT OUT OF YOUR VAGINA.
MAYBE THEN YOU'D UNDERSTAND.

GOOD.
THAT'S GREAT.

I'M UPSET THAT
YOU BANGED CHIP!

- YOU BANGED CHIP?
- NO.

- YES.
- I'M UPSET THAT YOU JUST
TOLD HIM I BANGED CHIP.

OW!

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED
TO HIT PEOPLE IN THE FACE.

I'M UPSET THAT YOU TALKED ME
INTO COMING HERE!

DON'T HIT ME ANYMORE,
PLEASE.

- PLEASE DON'T HIT ME ANYMORE.
- ( whipping sound )

NO, THAT WAS HELPFUL.

LOOK WHAT I GRABBED
ON THE WAY OUT.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

- I LOVE YOU TOO.
- BUT ARE YOU HAPPY?

YOU CAN TELL ME.

- I--
- ( cell phone rings )

WAIT, THAT MIGHT
BE THE BABYSITTER.

HELLO.

SO I'M LOOKING THROUGH
THE 1989 "TIGER'S PAW"

and I see a picture
of a very pretty girl
in a Yaz t-shirt.

YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I CAN'T REALLY TALK RIGHT NOW.
CAN I CALL YOU BACK LATER?

"CHIPWICH,

THANKS FOR MAKING THE LAST
FOUR YEARS SO AWESOME.

2 cool 2B 4-gotten."

Boy, those words have
gotten me through some
pretty tough times.

I GOT YOU.

GOT YOU NOW, YOU FREAK.

OH MY GOD.

TOM-- TOM IS A MAN
WITH VISION, AND I WANT
HIM IN THAT MEETING.

- TAKE THIS DOWN TO VIDEO TECH
FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.
- YES.

- I WANT THEM TO PUT THE TAG
ON IT AND THEN MAKE DUBS.
- DUBS.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

( Bob mimicking
whale call )

CAREFUL.

( horn honks )

HEY, HEY, BUDDY!

JUST THE MAN
I WANTED TO SEE!

WE'RE GOING TO DO THAT COOL
HAMBURGER TRICK AGAIN, BUDDY.

- I CAN'T.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
SURE YOU CAN.

- I DON'T EAT MEAT ANYMORE.
- WHAT?

I SAW THIS SHOW YESTERDAY
ABOUT HOW THEY MADE MEAT.

IT'S ALL
ABOUT KILLING ANIMALS.

- YOU BECAME
A VEGETARIAN YESTERDAY?
- YEAH. SO WHAT?

ALL RIGHT, COOL, WHATEVER.
WE'LL GET YOU A VEGGIE BURGER.

- NAH.
- WESLEY, YOU'LL GET
TO BE FAMOUS.

LIKE HARRY POTTER
OR URKEL.

TOM,
IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
END OF DISCUSSION.

- DON'T BE AN IDIOT, WESLEY.
GIVE IT TO ME.
- IT'S MINE!

NOW YOU'LL GET IT BACK
WHEN YOU EAT A HAMBURGER.

- HEY, COME HERE!
- HELP!

WESLEY.
WESLEY!

WESLEY, I'M NOT
DONE TALKING TO YOU!

CAN I HELP YOU?

Tom: HEY...

I JUST MOVED
IN NEXT DOOR.

NICE TO MEET YOU.
JUST TALKING TO WESLEY.
HE'S GREAT.

- Sofia: TOM.
- YEAH.

WERE YOU JUST YELLING
AT WESLEY?

I NEED YOU TO TALK
TO THAT KID.

HIS PRIORITIES
ARE OUT OF LINE.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- I ACCIDENTALLY TAPED OVER
THE VIDEO OF WESLEY.

WE GOT TO GET HIM
TO EAT ANOTHER BURGER.

HONEY,
IF HE DOESN'T WANT TO
DO IT, FIND SOMEBODY ELSE.

SURE, HONEY. I'LL JUST GET
ONE OF THE OTHER
KIDS ON THE BLOCK

WHO CAN SWALLOW
A HAMBURGER IN ONE BITE.

I'M SURE THERE'S NOT
A GAG REFLEX ON THE BLOCK.

OKAY, YOU GOTTA CALM DOWN.
YOU'RE ACTING CRAZY.

- I'M ACTING CRAZY?
THAT LITTLE TWERP--
- ( knock on door )

COULD YOU GET THAT?

HI. I BELIEVE
YOUR HUSBAND

HAS MY SON'S
SKATEBOARD.

Fireman:
LET'S OPEN UP
SOME WINDOWS OVER THERE.

TOM, YOU ARE NOT
GOING TO BELIEVE THIS.

BOB LEFT THE WESLEY TAPE
ON HIS DESK AND WE LOST IT.

AH-AH!
NO SHOES
ON THE PRAYER MAT.

WE FOUND THE CULPRIT.

SOMEBODY LEFT THE BULB
TOUCHING A STACK OF PAPER.

Don:
DAMN IT!

JESUS CHRIST, BOB.

- IT WAS JUST AN ACCIDENT.
- NO, NO, NO, NO.

IT'S BEEN A SERIES
OF MISTAKES, TOM.

EARLIER THIS WEEK HE
COST US A MAJOR ACCOUNT.

COULD HAVE BEEN THE NEXT
SMITH & HAWKEN.

DON, I CAN FIX THIS.

I CAN FIX IT.
ALL I GOT TO DO IS GET
WESLEY ON TAPE AGAIN.

TRUST ME.
I CAN FIX IT.

GO FOR HELP NOW.
GO!

Tom:
I'M NOT GONNA
HURT YOU, WESLEY.

I JUST WANT
TO TALK TO YOU.

LOOK WHAT I GOT.

$1,000 FROM MY VERY
OWN BANK ACCOUNT, HUH?

FOR YOU!
WHAT DO YOU SAY?

MY LAWYER SAID I CAN'T
TALK TO YOU, DUDE.

- YOUR LAWYER?
- HEY, GET AWAY
FROM THE KIDS!

- GET AWAY FROM THE KIDS!
- I'M JUST TALKING TO HIM!

- GET AWAY FROM THE KIDS!
- ( screaming )

- Wesley: COME ON, PICK 'EM UP!
- Tom: WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY?!

I KNOW.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT EITHER.

I WILL.

WAIT, MOM.
TOM JUST GOT HOME.
LET ME CALL YOU RIGHT BACK.

MY DAD GOT FIRED.

WHAT?
( sighs )

I TOLD HIM TO WAIT.
I WAS GOING TO FIX EVERYTHING.

HE GOT BLAMED
FOR SOME KIND OF FIRE.

OH MY GOD.
IT'S NOT ABOUT THAT.

YOU SEE, THE WESLEY VIDEO
GOT DESTROYED IN THE FIRE, SO--

THE WESLEY VIDEO?

WHAT?

YOU TOLD ME
YOU TAPED OVER
THE WESLEY VIDEO.

I KNOW,
AND WHAT I'M TRYING
TO EXPLAIN TO YOU

IS THAT
IT WASN'T ONE THING.

BUT WOLLEBIN KNOWS THAT
THE TAPE THING WASN'T
MY DAD'S FAULT, RIGHT?

SOFIA, IT'S A VERY
COMPLICATED SITUATION.

DID YOU TELL HIM OR NOT?
YES OR NO?

- IT WOULDN'T HAVE
MADE A DIFFERENCE!
- I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT, SOFIA?

IF YOU'D HELPED ME GET WESLEY
TO REDO THE VIDEO INSTEAD
OF TAKING HIS SIDE,

- NONE OF THIS
WOULD HAVE HAPPENED.
- ARE YOU INSANE?

YOUR DAD WAS GONNA
GET FIRED ANYWAY!

DO YOU WANT ME TO VOLUNTEER
TO GET FIRED TOO?
I TRIED TO FIX IT.

IT DIDN'T WORK.
I'M SORRY.

I'M DOING ALL OF THIS
FOR YOU, SOFIA.

EVERYTHING.
YOU HAVE IT SO EASY.

YOU GET TO HANG OUT
WITH OLIVER ALL DAY

YOU THINK I LIKE
WHAT I'M DOING?

YOU THINK I LIKE
THAT STUPID JOB?
I HATE IT!

I AM COMPLETELY MISERABLE!

- SOFIA.
- I'M GOING TO MY PARENTS'.

CALL ME WHEN
YOU CALM DOWN.

SWEET RIDE, TOM.
AND I THOUGHT THIS THING
WAS A POON MAGNET.

WHAT THE HELL ARE
YOU DOING HERE, CHIP?

I WAS JUST
IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

DID I SEE SOFIA LEAVING
WITH A SUITCASE?

- DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
- IS IT WORK, TOM?

'CAUSE I HAVE HEARD
THAT YOU'VE BLOWN YOUR WAY
THROUGH QUITE A FEW JOBS,

AND THE ONE THING
ABOUT WOMEN IS THAT THEY
CAN SMELL FAILURE A MILE AWAY.

- IT'S NOT WORK, OKAY?
- IS IT SEXUAL?

IS THERE A MIDGET
LIVING IN THE BASEMENT?

IF THERE IS, THEY ARE SELLING
THE PUMP ON THE INTERNET,

- BUT I DO NOT KNOW IF IT WORKS.
- I DON'T NEED A PUMP.

THE THOUGHT OF SOFIA
ALONE AND VULNERABLE--
I DON'T LIKE IT.

I SWEAR TO GOD, CHIP,
IF YOU GO ANYWHERE
NEAR MY WIFE, I WILL--

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, TOM?
YOU GONNA CATCH US
ON YOUR HIDDEN CAMERA?

HOW DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT THAT?

- LET'S DRAG.
- ( tires screech )

HOW DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT THAT?

SON OF A BITCH.

CHIP.

- ( car alarm chirps )
- CHIP.

I COULD NOT MAKE IT
UP THE STEPS.

HOPE, I'M NOT IMPOSING.

( groans )

IT'S NOT EASY SWIMMING
WITH JUST YOUR ARMS,

ESPECIALLY WHEN
THE WATER'S JUST 38°.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU'RE STILL ALIVE.

ALWAYS BEEN
A RISK TAKER, SOFIA.

I DO LIKE
TO TEST THE LIMITS.

CHIP, YOU FILL
THIS HOUSE WITH WARMTH,

AND WE COULD REALLY
USE THAT RIGHT NOW.

IT ISN'T JUST THAT
BOB GOT FIRED,

BUT TOM AND SOFIA
HAVE BEEN HAVING--

- MOM, MOM.
- WELL, YOU HAVE.

- ANYWAY.
- ANYWAY, I RENTED A MOVIE.

I'VE GOT IT
IN MY SADDLEBAG.

I WAS GONNA GO HOME,
WATCH IT ALONE.

LOVE TO SHARE IT,
IF YOU GUYS ARE UP TO IT.

- YOU WANT TO SEE A MOVIE?
- SURE, CHIP.

Make yourself comfortable.

I have some things to do
in the bathroom.

- Okay.
- ( Oliver fussing )

Woman on TV:
I want you.

- What do I do?
- Man on TV: Everything.

THAT'S ME.

( doorbell rings )

SOFIA, I NEED
TO TALK TO YOU.

LISTEN, YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT
TO BE UPSET WITH ME.

- SWEETIE, I'M NOT ANGRY.
- LET ME FINISH.
LET ME FINISH, OKAY?

I FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT.

I DIDN'T PUT THE WRONG TAPE
IN THE CAMERA.

- CHIP SWITCHED IT.
- WHAT?

I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG, BABY.
HE'S BEEN TRYING TO SABOTAGE
ME SINCE DAY ONE

AND NOW I HAVE PROOF.
YOU CAN SEE HIS FACE

- IN THE REFLECTION
OF MY COMPUTER MONITOR.
- HI, TOM.

WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH MY SON?

- GET THE BABY AWAY FROM HIM!
- TOM, COOL IT!

WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE THE BABY?

DID YOU COME OVER HERE
TO GET WITH MY WIFE,
HOT WHEELS?

- Both: TOM!
- HOT WHEELS?

CHIP CAME OVER 'CAUSE HE
HEARD DAD GOT FIRED.

AND HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
THE SAME WAY MY CHAIR
GOT SHORTER?

THE SAME WAY GAY PORN
GOT PUT ON MY COMPUTER?

- YOU HAD EVERYBODY FOOLED,
DIDN'T YOU, YOU "CRIPPLE"?
- TOM!

- THAT'S ENOUGH.
- POOR ME!
I'M IN A WHEELCHAIR!

EVERYBODY FEEL SORRY
FOR ME AND HAVE SEX WITH ME
'CAUSE I CAN'T USE MY LEGS.

OR CAN HE?

HE CAN WALK.
I HAVE PROOF.

WHAT'S THAT?

GET UP, YOU FAKER.

YOU CAN WALK.
LET'S SHOW THEM
HOW YOU WALK.

TOM, STOP IT!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- Bob: TOM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- HE PLAYS TENNIS.

- TOM, YOU'RE GONNA HURT HIM!
DAD, DO SOMETHING!
- COME ON!

TOM, HAVE YOU
LOST YOUR MIND?

- TOM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- TOM, THE MAN CAN'T WALK!

- OH, YEAH?
LET'S FIND OUT!
- OH, NO!

( screaming )

- HE'S DEAD!
- I'M OKAY.

THIS ISN'T CHIP.
IT'S DANNY.

- DANNY?
- HE'S CHIP'S TWIN BROTHER!

HE DIED IN AN ACCIDENT
ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO.

HE WAS MY HERO.

TOM, GET DOWN HERE!
OUT OF THE HOUSE!

- OUT OF THE HOUSE! OUT!
- TOM!

I FOUND--
I FOUND IT!

- I SAW HIS--
- TOM, OUT!

I SAW HIS REFLECTION
IN MY COMPUTER MONITOR.

- Bob: OUT!
- Amelia: OUT!

FOR GOD'S SAKES, TOM,
WHAT THE HELL IS
THE MATTER WITH YOU?

YOU JUST THREW A DISABLED MAN
DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.

MOUSHIWAKE, BOB.

OBVIOUSLY I WAS WRONG
ABOUT THE CRIPPLE THING.

BUT HE'S THE ONE RESPONSIBLE
FOR YOU GETTING FIRED.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG
WITH YOU?

YOU COULD HAVE JUST
KILLED HIM.

SOFIA.

I THINK YOU SHOULD GO.

OW!

STUPID--

( gears grinding )

- ARE YOU SURE
YOU'RE OKAY?
- I'M FINE.

WHAT I'M REALLY
WORRIED ABOUT IS YOU.

I CAN TELL THAT
YOU'RE NOT HAPPY,

AND I THINK THAT IT
MIGHT BE

BECAUSE YOU'RE
ON THE WRONG TRACK.

I DON'T--
I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE
YOU'RE STILL LOOKING

FOR SOMETHING THAT
YOU HAVEN'T FOUND YET.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN...

I KNOW THAT I AM.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN,
EVERYBODY THINKS THAT I'VE
GOT EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW?

THE OHIO
ADVERTISER OF THE YEAR

AND PROBABLY BE HIRED
TO GO TO BARCELONA SOON,

BUT I DON'T HAVE ANYBODY
I CAN SHARE THAT WITH,
YOU KNOW?

AND THE ONE PERSON

THAT REALLY DOES IT
FOR ME

IS A GIRL THAT I MET
BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL.

WE ARE THE TIGERS

AND WE'RE NOT COCKY.

WE'LL RUN YOU... KAWASAKI.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I'VE STILL GOT YOUR PANTIES
FROM THAT TIME THAT--

OKAY, CHIP.
IT'S TIME TO GO.

OKAY, IT'S TOUGH TO HEAR.
I GET IT.

STAY THE HELL AWAY
FROM MY WIFE, CHIP.

I GOT A NEWS FLASH
FOR YOU, SPARKY:

YOUR WIFE'S GONE.
SHE'S WAY OUT
OF YOUR LEAGUE,

AND SHE'S FINALLY
REALIZED IT, OKAY?
IT'S OVER.

EASY! HUH?

YOU THINK I CAN'T DEFEND
MYSELF JUST 'CAUSE I'M
IN A WHEELCHAIR?

- ( whimpers )
- NO, I KNOW HAPKIDO!

THAT'S FOR STEALING
MY YOGURT, DOUCHE.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORST
PART IS FOR ME, CHIP?

YOU'RE A HORRIBLE PERSON.

I MEAN, THERE IS JUST
NOBODY WORSE.

AND YET, BECAUSE OF WHAT
YOU HAD TO DEAL WITH BEING
IN THAT CHAIR,

I ACTUALLY STILL FEEL
GUILTY FOR HATING YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE
MOST ABOUT YOU, TOM?

IT'S NOT YOUR GAY VOICE.
YOU PROBABLY THOUGHT I WAS
GONNA SAY YOUR GAY VOICE.

ACTUALLY, NO.
BUT THANK YOU.

IT'S THAT YOU'RE WEAK.
I'VE DEFEATED YOU IN
EVERY POSSIBLE WAY.

I NEUTERED YOU AT WORK.

I'VE TURNED YOUR IN-LAWS
AGAINST YOU, AND I'D SAY

I'M AT MOST
THREE DAYS AWAY

FROM MOUNTING YOUR
SLUTTY WIFE AGAIN

AND YOU'VE GOT THE GALL
TO PITY ME.

YEAH.

I GUESS I DO.

DON'T.

IT'S A MIRACLE.
HE CAN STAND.

I KNEW IT!

Chip:
GET OFF OF ME!

GET OFF OF ME!

( both grunting )

AND YOU BANGED MY WIFE
WITH THAT GIANT,

UNCIRCUMCISED ANTEATER!

CAN'T BREATHE, TOM.

WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SPEND
YOUR LIFE PRETENDING
TO BE PARALYZED?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

YOU EVER TRY TO PARK
AT THE MALL DURING
CHRISTMAS?

OR DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA

HOW MUCH EASIER IT IS
TO GET SYMPATHY SEX
WHEN YOU CAN'T WALK?

- YOU'RE A SOCIOPATH.
- DON'T GET THE WRONG IDEA.

I ACTUALLY NEEDED
THAT CHAIR FOR A WHILE.

WHEN I WAS 14, I GOT INTO
A SURPRISINGLY VIOLENT
HACKY SACK ACCIDENT.

THEN A FEW WEEKS LATER,
I CAME OUT HERE
FOR HIGH SCHOOL,

DECIDED I'D MILK IT
A LITTLE BIT.

DO YOU THINK I'M NOT GONNA
TELL EVERYONE THAT'S EVER
MET YOU, YOU FREAK?

YOU JUST THREW
AN INNOCENT HANDICAPPED
GUY DOWN THE STAIRS.

NO ONE'S GONNA
BELIEVE YOU.

AND, YOU KNOW, YOU WERE
JUST AT A VERY DISTINCT
ADVANTAGE JUST THEN

WHEN YOU THREW ME
TO THE GROUND.

ALL OF MY MARTIAL-ARTS
TRAINING HAS BEEN

FROM THE SEATED POSITION.

GIVE IT UP, CHIEF.
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA WIN.

SEE YOU AT SCHOOL TOMORROW!

( ringing )

- HELLO.
- MAN: Is this Señor
Chip Sanders?

- WHAT?
- My name is Juan Castaneda
de los Cojones del Mono.

I am the Executive
Vice President of Idea,

the ad agency
in Barcelona.

You sent to us
your résumé.

YES! HELLO.
HOLA. COMO ESTA?

Very good.
Thank you very much.
Will you indulge me,

please, sir,
for one moment
and allow me to say

to you that your work
is absolutely genius?

Señor Tomato is,
in a word, spectacular.

YES, YES. THANK YOU.
GRACIAS.

You are very welcome.
I come to the point.

You, sir, are being chosen
for the position

of Director Creativo.

Can you fly to Barcelona
immediamente, please?

SURE!
SÍ, GRACIAS.

SUPER.
DEFINITIVAMENTE.

- ( answering machine beeps )
- Tom, Wollebin here.

We set up a meeting
with that Wesley kid,

but you probably know all
about it, seeing as your
wife is his lawyer.

Screw it.
I'm gonna send chip.

SHIT!

BOB.

HAVE YOU SEEN SOFIA?

NO, I WENT
TO BUY MORE SCOTCH.

WHEN I GOT BACK,
SHE WAS GONE.
YOU ALL RIGHT?

BOB, THERE'S SOMETHING
I HAVE TO TELL YOU.

THE WESLEY TAPE WASN'T
DESTROYED IN THE FIRE.

I ACCIDENTALLY
TAPED OVER IT.

SOFIA TOLD ME LAST NIGHT.

I TOLD HER THE SAME THING
I'LL SAY TO YOU:

THE ONLY PERSON
RESPONSIBLE

FOR ME LOSING
MY JOB IS ME.

I ALSO STARTED
THE FIRE.

IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

I WASN'T AWARE.

ARE YOU OKAY?

I BENT OVER BACKWARDS
TO SELL WOLLEBIN'S VISION,

AND I, YOU KNOW...

I KNEW IN THE BACK
OF MY MIND IT WAS BULLSHIT.

- IT IS BULLSHIT, BOB.
- IT IS.

- SCREW HIM.
- SCREW HIM!

SCREW HIM!

( sighs )
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, KID.

YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.

SOFIA'S GETTING
ICE CREAM WITH CHIP

- AT EDDIE'S SWEETS.
- THANK YOU, BOB.

- OH, JESUS, TOM!
YOU GOTTA TAKE A SHOWER.
- I'M SORRY.

GO GET HER, SON!

HEY, FIVE BUCKS TO WHOEVER
CAN KNOCK THAT TOOL
OFF HIS BIKE!

( mocking laugh )

THESE RIMS AREN'T
SUPPOSED TO BEND.

OKAY, WESLEY.

YOU JUST SIGN THERE
AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAPER.

YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE A VERY
RICH YOUNG MAN, OKAY?

- TRY NOT TO GET THE FUDGE
ON THE CONTRACT.
- OKAY.

- DON'T DO IT, WESLEY.
- OH, GOOD. TOM'S HERE.

TOM,
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

WILL EVERYONE JUST
PLEASE LISTEN TO ME
FOR ONE SECOND?

OKAY, SOFIA, WESLEY,

WESLEY'S DAD.

SOFIA, I KNOW ON PAPER
I'M NOT THE MOST
IDEAL HUSBAND.

I'M SELFISH.
I CAN'T HOLD DOWN A JOB,

AND I THINK I MAY
HAVE TURNED YOUR FATHER
INTO A PROBLEM DRINKER.

STILL, ONE THING YOU
SAID YOU LOVED ABOUT ME

IS THAT I COULD SMELL
BULLSHIT A MILE AWAY.

WELL, THIS GUY, SOFIA,
IS FILLED WITH BULLSHIT.

HE'S A SOCIOPATH,

AND MORE IMPORTANTLY,
BABY, HE CAN STAND.
I HAVE SEEN IT.

HE CAN'T FIGHT
WHILE HE'S STANDING,
BUT HE CAN STAND.

FORTUNATE FOR ME THAT THERE'S
NO STAIRS HERE FOR YOU

TO TRY AND PROVE
YOUR POINT AGAIN.

Tom:
BABY, I KNOW IT'S HARD,

BUT I NEED YOU
TO BELIEVE THIS.

I NEED YOU
TO BELIEVE ME.

TOM, WHY WOULD I PRETEND

- TO BE HANDICAPPED
MY ENTIRE LIFE?
- ( cell phone rings )

JUST SO I CAN PARK
AT THE MALL AT CHRISTMAS?

HELLO.

UNO MOMENTO,
POR FAVOR, SEÑOR.

THIS IS MY DREAM JOB
IN SPAIN, OKAY?

THEY'RE CALLING TO MAKE
THE FINAL TRAVEL ARRANGEMENTS.

IT'S THE ACTUAL REASON
THAT I CAME.

I DON'T REALLY CARE
MUCH ABOUT WESLEY.

HEY, UNCOOL.

LESS WORDS.

I HAVE ONE QUESTION.
SOFIA-- SESE--

DO I HAVE THEM BUY ME
ONE PLANE TICKET
TO SPAIN...

OR DOS?

YOU KNOW WHAT, CHIP?
I THINK YOU'RE WEIRD
AND CREEPY,

AND IF YOU THINK
I'D EVER CHOOSE YOU
OVER THE LOVE OF MY LIFE,

YOU'RE THE MOST DELUSIONAL MAN
ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH.

THAT'D BE UNO TAQUITO,
POR FAVOR.

THANK YOU.

SWEETIE, YOU COULDN'T
LOSE ME IF YOU TRIED.

AND YOU'VE BEEN TRYING
PRETTY HARD LATELY.

MOMENTO.

SO I GUESS
THIS IS ADIÓS?

- OH MY GOD!
- TA-DA!

HOLY SHIT!

SOFIA, YOU SHOULD KNOW
THE NIGHT THAT WE MADE LOVE,

I FAKED MY ORGASM.

TOM, YOU'RE NEVER
GONNA BEAT ME,

AND I'M GONNA SEND YOU
A PRETTY LITTLE POSTCARD
FROM BARCELONA.

SEÑOR, IF IT'S ALL
THE SAME WITH YOU,

I'D LIKE TO TRAVEL TONIGHT.
ÁNDALE!

OF COURSE, SEÑOR CHIP.

I WILL HAVE BARCELONA'S
LONGEST LIMOUSINE AWAITING
YOUR ARRIVAL.

AND AFTER
YOUR BEAUTY REST,

I MAKE BIG PARTY FOR YOU
WITH BEAUTIFUL CHICKS.

FANTÁSTICO.

- EVERYTHING ALL SETTLED?
- YEAH...

GIRLS, BEST OF LUCK.

GOOD LUCK TO YOU, CHIP.

GOOD LUCK TO ME?
I DON'T NEED LUCK, TOM.
YOU NEED THE LUCK.

YOU'RE THE SORRY IDIOT
THAT'S GONNA BE STUCK LIVING

IN OHIO
THE REST OF YOUR LIFE,

WORKING IN THE MOST BORING
AD AGENCY

IN THE WORLD.

I'M GOING TO SPAIN.
SPAIN, TOM!

SPAIN!
I'M TAKING THIS LITTLE

WALK-N-ROLL SHOW
ON TOUR!

YEAH!
( shouts )

THEY'RE NOT GOING TO SEE
WHAT HIT THEM! YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN?

( static hissing )

THE FOLKS AT LION'S PRIDE
WERE ALL SET TO SPEND
TONS OF MONEY

TO TRY AND GET YOU TO EAT
THEIR NEW HAMBURGER SPREAD--
PICKLE WHIP.

THEY EVEN WENT SO FAR
AS TO HIRE PRO SKATER
TONY HAWK

TO PUT ON A PICKLE COSTUME
AND DO RAD SKATEBOARDING
TRICKS.

THE ONLY PROBLEM WAS,
ONCE TONY WAS IN HIS
PICKLE COSTUME,

HE COULDN'T SEE
VERY WELL.

( groans )

TO BE HONEST, IT'S JUST
TARTAR SAUCE ON A HAMBURGER.

BUT I GOTTA TELL YOU,
IT TASTES REALLY GOOD.

( gulps )

AND CUT!

GREAT JOB, WESLEY.

- WHAT DID YOU THINK, BOB?
- I LOVE IT.

IT'S HONEST, NO BULLSHIT,
AND THE KID'S A NATURAL.

TAKE FIVE, BUDDY.

COME ON, BABE.
I'LL BE IN MY TRAILER.

SOMEBODY SHOULD GET
THAT GIRL SOME PANTS.

LISTEN, BOB, I CANNOT
THANK YOU ENOUGH

FOR FLYING OUT HERE
TO HELP ME START
MY OWN COMPANY.

YOU'RE AN AD MAN, TOM,
AND YOU'RE FABULOUS.

I BROUGHT YOU A PRESENT
FROM OHIO.

OH, YOU DIDN'T
HAVE TO DO THAT.

THE "YES" BALL.

I'M KIDDING!

WHY WOULD I GIVE YOU
MY "YES" BALL?

THERE'S MY TWO
FAVORITE BOYS.
HEY, FATSO.

HI, HI.

SO, BABY,
I'VE GOT TO BE

AT A DEPOSITION
DOWNTOWN BY 9:30.

I GOT BREAKFAST
IN THE OVEN. BE READY
IN 15 MINUTES.

- I REALLY CAN'T BE LATE.
- CHOCOLATE CROISSANT.

WHAT'S 15 MINUTES?

I KNOW HOW WE CAN SPEND
SIX OF THOSE MINUTES.

SIX MINUTES--
YOU REALLY THINK
YOU CAN LAST THAT LONG?

I CAN LAST SEVEN
AND A HALF.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THAT?

♪ MAYBE YOU COULD
TELEPHONE ♪

♪ MAYBE I COULD MEET YOU
IN THE MORNING ♪

♪ CALL ME IF YOU'RE
ON YOU'RE OWN ♪

- ♪ MAYBE I COULD MEET YOU
IN THE MORNING... ♪
- ( Sofia squeals )

( man vocalizing )

♪ MORNINGS ELEVEN,
THE FEELINGS ARE SEVERED ♪

♪ I CAN'T FEEL
ANYTHING AT ALL ♪

- ♪ BUT I WOULD ♪
- ♪ DIE FOR YOU ♪

♪ OH, I WOULD... ♪

HOLA, SEÑOR.
DÓNDE ESTÁ RAMPO, SEÑOR?

SEÑOR, HOLA?
CHIP SANDERS,
NEW CREATIVE DIRECTOR.

I NEED TO GET
INSIDE THE BUILDING.

DO YOU SEE I'VE BROKEN
BOTH MY LEGS? IS THAT
TOUGH TO SEE?

GUESS WHAT?
OLD CHIPPEROO'S GONNA
TAKE CARE OF THINGS HIMSELF.

THIS IS WHAT A MAN
WHO NEEDS HELP LOOKS LIKE.

DON'T WORRY. ARE YOU
LATE FOR AN APPOINTMENT
OR SOMETHING?

IS THAT WHAT IT IS?
YOU MUST BE LATE.

HOW ABOUT THIS DOOR?
CAN I JUST GET THIS ONE?

THERE'S NO MISTAKE AT ALL.

SIR, I WORK
ON THE FOURTH FLOOR.
IT'S CHIP SANDERS.

PLEASE DON'T BREAK
MY ARMS TOO. PLEASE DON'T
BREAK MY ARMS TOO.

JUST LIFT ME UP
AND PLACE ME BACK
IN MY CHAIR.

♪ YOU'RE IN DENIAL ♪

♪ YOU'RE IN DENIAL,
AND I KNOW ♪

♪ WELL, WHAT'S MY NAME? ♪

♪ WELL, WHAT'S MY NAME?
I DON'T KNOW ♪

♪ MAYBE YOU
COULD TELEPHONE ♪

♪ MAYBE I COULD MEET YOU
IN THE MORNING ♪

♪ CALL ME IF YOU'RE
ON YOU'RE OWN ♪

♪ AND MAYBE I COULD
MEET YOU IN THE MORNING ♪

♪ YOU'RE IN DENIAL. ♪

♪ THIS TIME OF NIGHT
I COULD CALL YOU UP ♪

♪ I'D GET ANGRY
WITH ATHLETIC EASE ♪

♪ BREAK COMMON LAWS
IN TWOS AND THREES ♪

♪ IF I DIE
CLUTCHING YOUR PHOTOGRAPH ♪

♪ DON'T CALL ME BORING ♪

♪ IT'S JUST
'CAUSE I LIKE YOU ♪

♪ OH, TAKE ME ON BACK,
TAKE ME ON BACK ♪

♪ TAKE ME BACK
TO THE PLACE ♪

♪ WHERE I COULD FEEL
YOUR HEART ♪

♪ IS THIS THE END
OR JUST THE START
OF SOMETHING ♪

♪ REALLY,
REALLY BEAUTIFUL ♪

♪ WRAPPED UP
AND DISGUISED ♪

♪ AS SOMETHING REALLY,
REALLY UGLY? ♪

♪ WON'T YOU ♪

♪ COME BY AND SEE ME?
I'M A LOVE LETTER AWAY ♪

♪ I'D BREAK YOUR NAME
BEFORE I'D SAY ♪

♪ I REALLY LOVE YOU,
LOVE YOU ♪

♪ NO, I DON'T CARE
IF YOU SAW ♪

♪ I WATCHED EVERY INCH
OF FILM ♪

♪ FLASH ACROSS
YOUR ROMAN FEATURES ♪

♪ AND I LOVED IT,
LOVED IT ♪

♪ NO, I DON'T CARE IF ♪

♪ YOU THINK I'M EAGER
TO SHUT YOUR EYES ♪

♪ WELL, I'M SORRY EVERYBODY
KNOWS YOU CAN'T BREAK ME ♪

♪ WITH YOUR GUTTER PROSE ♪

♪ WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT?
SHE SENT ME A LETTER ♪

♪ THE RING, IT NEARLY
WEIGHS HER DOWN ♪

♪ SHE'S GOT ANOTHER BOY,
OH, BOY ♪

♪ STEADY YOUR EARS,
STEADY YOUR EARS ♪

♪ AND READ MY LIPS ♪

♪ POETRY IS NOT A LUXURY ♪

♪ IT'S HOW
I'LL BREAK THIS HOME ♪

♪ AND WHEN
I'M REALLY ILL ♪

♪ WON'T YOU CRADLE ME? ♪

♪ MAN IS NOT
A NOBLE ANIMAL ♪

♪ BUT MAYBE WOMAN IS ♪

♪ REMEMBER, I HEARD YOU ♪

♪ INSIDE YOUR ROOM, YOU SAID
YOU'D NEVER REALLY LIVE ♪

♪ UNTIL YOUR BACK'S
AGAINST THE WALL ♪

♪ OH, DID YOU
REALLY MEAN IT? ♪

♪ NO, I NEVER
BREAK MY GAZE ♪

♪ IF JUST TO SEE THIS
SCAR REMAIN REFLECTED
IN YOUR EYES ♪

♪ I THINK IT'S TIME
TO GO HOME ♪

♪ MARIANNE, LET THE GHOSTS
SLEEP TONIGHT ♪

♪ MARIANNE,
LET THE GHOSTS SLEEP ♪

♪ JUST SHUT YOUR EYES
AND BURN THE PAST ♪

♪ MARIANNE, LET THE GHOSTS
SLEEP TONIGHT ♪

♪ MARIANNE,
LET THE GHOSTS SLEEP ♪

♪ JUST SHUT YOUR EYES
AND BURN THE PAST ♪

♪ MARIANNE, LET THE GHOSTS
SLEEP TONIGHT ♪

♪ MARIANNE,
LET THE GHOSTS SLEEP ♪

♪ JUST SHUT YOUR EYES
AND BURN THE PAST ♪

♪ MARIANNE, LET THE GHOSTS
SLEEP TONIGHT ♪

♪ MARIANNE,
LET THE GHOSTS SLEEP ♪

♪ JUST SHUT YOUR EYES
AND BURN THE PAST AWAY. ♪

( woman vocalizing )

So make sure that you
understand, when you're
chopping things up

in the way
that those people
to the north of Italy...

- ( Oliver crying )
- ...that they don't
mind chopping...

THAT'S THE KID.
LET'S GO.

( TV channels change )

( shouting )

PEOPLE ARE OUT
OF THEIR MINDS.

HEY, TOM! YOU GOTTA
COME SEE THIS GUY.

- WHAT?
- YOU MISSED IT.

LET'S GO, MAN.