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1
00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:16,404
That was beautiful--
2
00:03:30,586 --> 00:03:32,420
Take it, Russ.
3
00:03:34,965 --> 00:03:37,633
Dad, can you explain again
what we're doing?
4
00:03:37,801 --> 00:03:41,470
Sure, Russ. We're kicking off our fun,
old-fashioned family Christmas. . .
5
00:03:41,638 --> 00:03:45,141
. . . by heading out into the country
in the old front-wheel drive sleigh. . .
6
00:03:45,309 --> 00:03:47,810
. . .to embrace the frosty majesty
of the winter landscape. . .
7
00:03:47,978 --> 00:03:51,105
. . .and select that most important
of Christmas symbols.
8
00:03:51,273 --> 00:03:55,318
We're not driving all the way out here
so you can get one of those stupid ties. . .
9
00:03:55,485 --> 00:03:59,655
-. . .with the Santa Clauses on it, are we?
-No, I have one of those at home.
10
00:03:59,823 --> 00:04:04,368
What we're looking for today
is the Griswold family Christmas tree.
11
00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:17,006
-What's the matter?
-Some jackass is riding my tail.
12
00:04:19,718 --> 00:04:22,345
Slow down and let him pass.
13
00:04:33,690 --> 00:04:36,567
Clark! Don't provoke them.
14
00:04:37,653 --> 00:04:39,070
Hey, kids, look a deer.
15
00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:02,176
Clark, slow down !
16
00:05:02,344 --> 00:05:04,887
You wanna ride behind somebody
who does that?
17
00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:07,390
I'll pull around them
and leave them behind us.
18
00:05:07,557 --> 00:05:11,227
Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber.
19
00:05:11,395 --> 00:05:15,398
Dad, I think what you mean is,
"Burn rubber," and, "Eat my dust."
20
00:05:15,565 --> 00:05:17,191
Whatever, Russ. Whatever.
21
00:05:22,406 --> 00:05:25,408
Eat my road grit, liver lips!
22
00:05:28,578 --> 00:05:30,413
Okay. That's enough of that.
23
00:05:35,502 --> 00:05:38,087
Speaking of Christmas trees, kids,
can one of you tell me. . .
24
00:05:38,255 --> 00:05:40,798
. . .what the first tree displayed
at the White House was?
25
00:05:40,966 --> 00:05:43,134
Dad, they're back.
26
00:05:47,222 --> 00:05:51,267
Clark, stop it!
I don't want to spend the holidays dead.
27
00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:54,770
Honey, please! I'll do the driving, okay?
28
00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:58,232
Will you just take it easy, Ellen?
I'm in complete control.
29
00:05:59,818 --> 00:06:01,235
I'll get around this egg timer.
30
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:07,742
Dad. Dad.
31
00:06:18,628 --> 00:06:22,673
-We're all right! Thank God, we're all right!
-Clark, we're stuck under a truck!
32
00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:26,635
-Do you honestly think I don't know that?
-Come on, you guys, don't fight.
33
00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:29,180
For chrissake,
I didn't do this on purpose!
34
00:06:32,851 --> 00:06:37,188
Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
35
00:06:37,355 --> 00:06:40,274
And forgive my husband.
He knows not what he does.
36
00:06:40,442 --> 00:06:42,109
Amen !
37
00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:46,530
Oh, my God ! Oh, my God ! Oh, my God !
38
00:07:00,003 --> 00:07:01,712
Made pretty good time.
39
00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:12,556
Dad, didn't they invent Christmas tree lots
so people wouldn't have to drive. . .
40
00:07:12,724 --> 00:07:15,768
. . .all the way out to nowhere
and waste a whole Saturday?
41
00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:20,189
They invented them because people forgot
how to have an old-fashioned Christmas. . .
42
00:07:20,357 --> 00:07:22,733
. . .and are satisfied with scrawny,
overpriced trees. . .
43
00:07:22,901 --> 00:07:25,611
-. . .that have no special meaning.
-My toes are numb.
44
00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:29,698
-Kids, this is what our forefathers did.
-I can't feel my leg.
45
00:07:29,866 --> 00:07:33,619
They walked out into the woods, picked out
the tree and cut it with their hands.
46
00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:36,580
-Mom, I can't feel my hips.
-Clark.
47
00:07:36,748 --> 00:07:39,667
-Yes, honey?
-Audrey's frozen from the waist down.
48
00:07:39,835 --> 00:07:42,378
That's all part of the experience, honey.
49
00:07:44,214 --> 00:07:45,673
There it is.
50
00:08:04,401 --> 00:08:07,444
The Griswold family Christmas tree.
51
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:17,955
-Isn't it a little big?
-It's not big, it's just full.
52
00:08:18,123 --> 00:08:23,127
-Dad, that thing wouldn't fit in our yard.
-It's not going in our yard, Russ.
53
00:08:23,295 --> 00:08:25,754
It's going in our living room.
54
00:08:30,135 --> 00:08:33,095
-Look at it.
-It really is beautiful, Clark.
55
00:08:33,263 --> 00:08:35,764
-It's something else, huh, Russ?
-Yeah, Dad.
56
00:08:35,932 --> 00:08:38,601
-Isn't it a beaut, Audrey?
-She'll see it later, honey.
57
00:08:39,102 --> 00:08:41,187
Her eyes are frozen.
58
00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:44,940
Most enduring traditions of the season
are best enjoyed in the warm embrace. . .
59
00:08:45,108 --> 00:08:47,276
. . .of kith and kin.
60
00:08:48,612 --> 00:08:51,614
This tree is the symbol of the spirit
of the Griswold family Christmas.
61
00:08:53,450 --> 00:08:55,618
Dad, did you bring a saw?
62
00:09:41,206 --> 00:09:44,667
Looks like the toad overestimated
the height of his living room ceiling.
63
00:09:56,513 --> 00:10:00,808
Hey, Griswold. Where do you think
you're gonna put a tree that big?
64
00:10:02,227 --> 00:10:04,353
Bend over and I'll show you.
65
00:10:05,021 --> 00:10:07,398
You've got a lot of nerve
talking to me like that.
66
00:10:07,565 --> 00:10:10,234
I wasn't talking to you.
67
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:28,252
Clark, do you think there's enough room
for the angel?
68
00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:32,214
Oh, sure, honey. I have
a little more trimming to do. . .
69
00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:34,758
. . . but that won't be a problem.
Ready?
70
00:10:35,218 --> 00:10:38,554
I give you
the Griswold family Christmas tree.
71
00:10:46,730 --> 00:10:48,939
There's a lot of sap in here.
72
00:10:50,608 --> 00:10:53,110
It looks great. A little full. A lot of sap.
73
00:11:15,550 --> 00:11:19,053
-Did I tell you I talked to my mother today?
-And?
74
00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:22,765
They've decided they're coming
for Christmas too.
75
00:11:23,141 --> 00:11:27,895
-It's not too late to change our plans.
-No, no, that's great. That's great.
76
00:11:28,772 --> 00:11:30,814
You're forgetting how difficult
it's gonna be. . .
77
00:11:30,982 --> 00:11:33,150
. . . having everybody in the house
at the same time.
78
00:11:33,318 --> 00:11:36,153
Honey, they're family.
They're not strangers off the street.
79
00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:40,783
-All they do is argue.
-Christmas is about resolving differences. . .
80
00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:43,202
. . .and seeing through the problems
of family life.
81
00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:47,790
Yeah. And it's about my mother accusing
your mother of buying cheap hot dogs.
82
00:11:47,957 --> 00:11:51,960
And your mother accusing my mother
of waxing her upper lip.
83
00:11:52,128 --> 00:11:55,547
-And then they don't speak to each other--
-Your mother waxes her upper lip?
84
00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:59,968
-She has for years.
-It doesn't show.
85
00:12:00,136 --> 00:12:03,138
-I don't know, Sparky. I have this feeling--
-Ellen.
86
00:12:03,306 --> 00:12:05,974
I want to have Christmas
here in our house.
87
00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:10,354
It means a lot to me. All my life
I've wanted to have a big family Christmas.
88
00:12:10,522 --> 00:12:12,398
I know.
89
00:12:14,526 --> 00:12:18,821
It's just that I know how you build
things up in your mind, Sparky.
90
00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:24,201
You set standards that no family event
can ever live up to.
91
00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:26,829
When have I ever done that?
92
00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:36,213
-Parties. Weddings. Anniversaries.
-Good night, honey.
93
00:12:36,381 --> 00:12:40,509
-Funerals. Holidays.
-Oh, great.
94
00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:43,762
Vacations. Graduations.
95
00:13:06,369 --> 00:13:09,288
You should be looking at
a fat Christmas bonus this year, huh?
96
00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:13,208
Word is you're an excellent choice to be
named Food Additive Designer of the Year.
97
00:13:14,544 --> 00:13:16,044
I'm not kidding.
98
00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:18,380
What's that new thing you got
at Food and Drug?
99
00:13:18,548 --> 00:13:22,217
Oh, the crunch enhancer?
Yeah, it's a non-nutritive cereal varnish.
100
00:13:22,385 --> 00:13:25,387
It's semipermeable, not osmatic.
It coats and seals the flake. . .
101
00:13:25,555 --> 00:13:28,056
-. . . prevents the milk from penetrating it.
-Yeah.
102
00:13:28,224 --> 00:13:30,517
-It's a beautiful product.
-I like it, yeah.
103
00:13:30,685 --> 00:13:33,020
The question is,
what will you do with that bonus?
104
00:13:33,188 --> 00:13:36,565
-Gonna blow it on yourself, I hope.
-Me? Heck, no.
105
00:13:36,983 --> 00:13:38,734
Take a look at this.
106
00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:45,240
I hope my Christmas bonus check
will cover it.
107
00:13:45,408 --> 00:13:48,535
Oh, my God, you're putting in a pool.
108
00:13:58,046 --> 00:14:01,340
I went ahead and I put a $7500
deposit down on it.
109
00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:03,425
You're the last true family man.
110
00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:08,889
-Mark.
-Clark.
111
00:14:09,933 --> 00:14:11,350
That's Bill, sir.
112
00:14:11,518 --> 00:14:14,228
Were you working on that
non-nutritive cereal varnish?
113
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:17,439
-Yes, sir.
-I've got to give a speech to a trade group.
114
00:14:17,607 --> 00:14:22,194
I'd like to mention it. Write a brief summary
and have it to me by the end of the day.
115
00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:24,154
-My pleasure.
-Layman's terms.
116
00:14:24,322 --> 00:14:26,990
None of that inside bullshit jargon
nobody understands.
117
00:14:28,159 --> 00:14:29,826
Yes, sir.
118
00:14:32,664 --> 00:14:36,083
Oh, Mr. Shirley. We got
your Christmas card the other day. . .
119
00:14:36,251 --> 00:14:39,294
. . .and my family and I are very flattered
that you remembered us.
120
00:14:40,588 --> 00:14:42,631
Corporate cards.
121
00:14:46,177 --> 00:14:49,471
-Don't forget that report, Bill.
-Yes, sir. Thank you. Merry Christmas.
122
00:14:49,639 --> 00:14:51,974
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
123
00:14:52,141 --> 00:14:57,479
Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass.
Happy Hanukkah.
124
00:15:23,131 --> 00:15:25,591
Can I show you something?
125
00:15:31,973 --> 00:15:37,477
I was just smelling-- Smiling.
I was just blouse-- Browsing.
126
00:15:38,688 --> 00:15:41,523
For your wife or your girlfriend?
127
00:15:42,859 --> 00:15:45,277
What? What happened?
128
00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:53,702
I guess it wouldn't be any--
129
00:15:54,704 --> 00:15:57,539
Wouldn't be the Christmas shopping
season if stores were less hooter--
130
00:15:57,707 --> 00:16:00,375
Hotter than they are.
131
00:16:01,169 --> 00:16:03,128
-It is warm in here.
-You have your coat on.
132
00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:06,089
-Yes. Oh, do I? How did that happen?
-Because it's cold out.
133
00:16:06,591 --> 00:16:12,012
Yes. Yes. It is. It's a bit nipply out.
I mean, nippy out.
134
00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:14,598
What did I say, nipple?
135
00:16:14,891 --> 00:16:18,894
-There is a nip in the air though.
-Can I take something out for you?
136
00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:33,367
I was just. . . . I was just looking
at something for my wife.
137
00:16:33,534 --> 00:16:36,578
-God rest her soul.
-Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
138
00:16:36,788 --> 00:16:42,459
Oh, no, no, she's not dead.
We're just divorced. She's history.
139
00:16:42,627 --> 00:16:46,463
Obviously she doesn't wear underwear.
And there are plenty of shopping days left. . .
140
00:16:46,631 --> 00:16:51,301
. . . until adultery-- Adulthood.
Which is to say Christmas, as in Yule.
141
00:16:51,469 --> 00:16:56,306
Yule log. Not a log, I don't have a log.
But, I mean, you know, just if I had a log. . .
142
00:16:56,474 --> 00:17:01,728
. . . not in the sense that you think
I said I did. Good golly.
143
00:17:02,772 --> 00:17:04,773
'Tis the season to be merry.
144
00:17:04,941 --> 00:17:07,275
-Well, that's my name.
-No shit.
145
00:17:15,785 --> 00:17:20,497
What do these do? Do they clip on here?
Down there?
146
00:17:20,665 --> 00:17:23,083
-Would you like this one?
-Sure.
147
00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:27,129
These are cut really high on the hip.
Look, I'm wearing something similar.
148
00:17:27,296 --> 00:17:29,172
See? You can't see the line.
149
00:17:29,340 --> 00:17:31,842
-You can't see the line, can you, Russ?
-No.
150
00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:33,635
No.
151
00:17:35,304 --> 00:17:38,849
That's a Christmas present
from a very dear friend of mine.
152
00:17:39,726 --> 00:17:43,645
Look, Daddy, teacher says
every time a bell rings. . .
153
00:17:43,813 --> 00:17:46,314
...an angel gets his wings.
154
00:18:20,016 --> 00:18:23,018
Folks! Folks! Folks! Merry Christmas.
155
00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:29,524
-Hey! How you doing, son?
-Fine.
156
00:18:29,817 --> 00:18:33,195
There he is! Oh, my boy.
157
00:18:33,362 --> 00:18:37,199
-Look at how big you've gotten.
-Merry Christmas.
158
00:18:37,575 --> 00:18:39,159
-Mom.
-Sweetheart.
159
00:18:39,327 --> 00:18:43,497
Oh, knock on the door.
Lift up the ladder.
160
00:18:43,664 --> 00:18:45,957
-Listen. Doesn't Nora look old?
-You promised.
161
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:49,377
-Of course I do.
-They took a pint of fluid out of my back.
162
00:18:49,587 --> 00:18:51,713
Do you see this mole?
This mole on my neck?
163
00:18:51,881 --> 00:18:53,381
-Think it's changing color?
-No.
164
00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:57,719
-You keep touching it, it's getting redder.
-I got hemorrhoids. Can you believe that?
165
00:18:57,887 --> 00:18:59,930
-Oh, Mother.
-Isn't that terrible?
166
00:19:00,097 --> 00:19:02,599
-You're not getting the garage space.
-After what you did--
167
00:19:02,767 --> 00:19:04,643
I'm doing the parking.
Russ, you want to help?
168
00:19:04,852 --> 00:19:07,854
Mom, they're not sleeping in my room.
I'm gonna go crazy, Mom.
169
00:19:08,064 --> 00:19:11,358
Sweetheart. Your grandma Nora's
got a real painful burr on my heel.
170
00:19:11,526 --> 00:19:13,860
If you rub it for me,
I'll give you a whole quarter.
171
00:19:14,028 --> 00:19:16,780
-A quarter. A quarter.
-I'll give Audrey a quarter too.
172
00:19:16,948 --> 00:19:20,325
-I'm gonna put my car in the garage!
-He damaged my car, you believe that?
173
00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:21,576
I'll park the cars.
174
00:19:22,912 --> 00:19:25,664
This is what Christmas is all about.
175
00:19:26,123 --> 00:19:29,793
I'll park the cars
and check the luggage. . .
176
00:19:29,961 --> 00:19:33,421
. . .and yeah, I'll be outside for the season.
177
00:19:36,634 --> 00:19:39,010
We're gonna have the best-looking house
in town.
178
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:42,681
-I've always wanted to do this.
-That's a lot of lights, Dad.
179
00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:45,767
I'm sure it's a lot of work too,
but if I'm out in the cold. . .
180
00:19:45,935 --> 00:19:49,104
. . .and I'm committed to decorating
the house, I'm gonna do it right. . .
181
00:19:49,272 --> 00:19:51,731
. . .and I'm gonna do it big.
182
00:19:51,983 --> 00:19:54,609
You want something you can be proud of,
don't you?
183
00:19:54,777 --> 00:19:57,445
-Yeah, I guess so.
-Sure you do.
184
00:19:58,447 --> 00:20:04,452
-You think you might be overdoing it, Dad?
-When was the last time I overdid anything?
185
00:20:07,582 --> 00:20:08,582
Come on, unravel these.
186
00:20:10,793 --> 00:20:14,421
You have to check every bulb.
Got a little knot here. You work on that.
187
00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:19,509
I'll get the other box.
188
00:20:32,315 --> 00:20:34,983
-I hope he falls and breaks his neck.
-I'm sure he'll fall.
189
00:20:35,151 --> 00:20:37,944
But I don't think we're lucky enough
to have him break his neck.
190
00:20:41,282 --> 00:20:43,158
Let's go.
191
00:21:10,019 --> 00:21:14,814
Boy, these gusty winds appear to be playing
havoc with that giant nutcracker float.
192
00:21:14,982 --> 00:21:19,194
At this point l can't even see the nuts.
They must have blown away.
193
00:21:19,362 --> 00:21:23,531
But nothing is going to dampen the spirit
of this holiday crowd, l can tell you that.
194
00:21:23,699 --> 00:21:27,911
Oh, here they are. Here come the nuts.
These look like giant nuts to me.
195
00:21:28,079 --> 00:21:31,623
Yeah, l'm reminded of a couple years ago,
the winds were so high here...
196
00:21:31,791 --> 00:21:34,209
...we almost lost Santa's reindeer.
197
00:21:34,377 --> 00:21:39,214
Rudolph's red nose took out a third floor
window at Marshall Field's.
198
00:21:39,382 --> 00:21:43,551
They better keep their eyes out
on their nuts before someone gets hurt.
199
00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:46,614
Would it be indecent to ask
the grandparents to stay at a hotel?
200
00:22:46,782 --> 00:22:48,283
Audrey.
201
00:22:48,451 --> 00:22:51,119
Well, can we at least forbid them
to answer the phone?
202
00:22:51,287 --> 00:22:55,206
Alex called this morning. Grandpa Clark
told him I couldn't come to the phone. . .
203
00:22:55,374 --> 00:22:59,711
-. . . because I was going to the bathroom.
-We're all making sacrifices, Audrey.
204
00:22:59,879 --> 00:23:02,047
Everybody? Do you sleep with your brother?
205
00:23:02,214 --> 00:23:04,632
Do you know how sick and twisted
that is, Mom?
206
00:23:04,925 --> 00:23:09,179
Well, I'm sleeping with your father.
Don't be so dramatic.
207
00:23:09,764 --> 00:23:12,015
I have nightmares about
what he does in his bed. . .
208
00:23:12,183 --> 00:23:14,059
. . .when I'm not lying right next to him.
209
00:23:14,268 --> 00:23:20,356
Well, I don't know what to say except
it's Christmas and we're all in misery.
210
00:23:20,816 --> 00:23:23,985
Ellen, are you smoking again?
211
00:23:24,153 --> 00:23:26,529
No!
212
00:23:36,791 --> 00:23:39,167
Hey, Dad, where do you want
these reindeer?
213
00:23:39,585 --> 00:23:42,253
Just put them down there on the lawn,
Russ.
214
00:23:44,173 --> 00:23:46,007
I can't find the Santa Claus.
215
00:23:47,384 --> 00:23:51,012
It's in the basement. We'll get it later.
216
00:24:46,235 --> 00:24:52,615
-Clark. Dinner's ready.
-Okay, honey. I'm starving.
217
00:25:10,759 --> 00:25:12,927
Obviously something
had to break the window!
218
00:25:13,095 --> 00:25:16,097
Something had to hit the stereo!
219
00:25:24,940 --> 00:25:30,904
-And why is the carpet all wet, Todd?
-I don't know, Margo.
220
00:25:38,120 --> 00:25:41,122
You want to hurry this up, Clark?
I'm freezing my baguettes off.
221
00:25:41,290 --> 00:25:45,919
Two hundred and fifty strands of light,
1 00 individual bulbs per strand. . .
222
00:25:46,086 --> 00:25:50,882
. . .for a grand total of 25,000
imported Italian twinkle lights.
223
00:25:52,134 --> 00:25:55,178
-Twenty-five thousand.
-Well, I hope nobody I know drives by. . .
224
00:25:55,346 --> 00:25:59,224
. . .and sees me standing in the yard,
staring at the house in my pajamas.
225
00:25:59,391 --> 00:26:02,143
If they know your dad,
they won't think anything of it.
226
00:26:02,603 --> 00:26:04,145
Fire it up, Dad !
227
00:26:05,314 --> 00:26:09,817
I dedicate this house
to the Griswold family Christmas.
228
00:26:12,738 --> 00:26:14,739
Drum roll, please.
229
00:26:16,825 --> 00:26:18,660
Drum roll.
230
00:26:50,567 --> 00:26:55,029
-Beautiful, Clark.
-Talk about pissing your money away.
231
00:26:55,990 --> 00:27:00,410
I hope you kids see
what a silly waste of resources this was.
232
00:27:00,577 --> 00:27:04,664
-He worked really hard, Grandma.
-So do washing machines.
233
00:27:09,712 --> 00:27:11,879
Let's get in where it's warm.
234
00:27:12,047 --> 00:27:17,844
Clark, baby, I can picture it in my mind.
And it's breathtaking.
235
00:27:20,222 --> 00:27:23,599
-Thanks, Mom.
-It's probably a bad bulb, son.
236
00:27:23,767 --> 00:27:27,061
You know, if one goes out,
the whole thing doesn't work.
237
00:27:27,229 --> 00:27:30,565
Now, if I were you
I'd personally check each one.
238
00:27:30,733 --> 00:27:33,735
-I did that, Dad. I can't--
-Now, look, if you need any help. . .
239
00:27:33,902 --> 00:27:38,197
-. . .give me a holler. I'll be upstairs, asleep.
-Thanks.
240
00:27:38,365 --> 00:27:43,661
Sorry, Daddy. It looks good
even if they're not lit.
241
00:27:44,413 --> 00:27:45,747
Thank you, sweetheart.
242
00:27:52,421 --> 00:27:57,258
-Well, Dad, it was a good try.
-Thanks, Russ.
243
00:27:57,426 --> 00:27:59,218
-Russ.
-Yeah?
244
00:27:59,386 --> 00:28:05,433
-We checked every bulb, didn't we?
-Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm sure of it.
245
00:28:06,101 --> 00:28:10,229
I thought so. Well, maybe
we ought to go up there and just get--
246
00:28:11,357 --> 00:28:17,362
Jeez! Look at the time. I gotta get to bed.
Brush my teeth. Feed the hog.
247
00:28:17,529 --> 00:28:21,824
I've still got some homework to do.
Do the laundry. Wash the car.
248
00:28:21,992 --> 00:28:24,744
I've still got those bills to pay. . . .
249
00:28:24,912 --> 00:28:29,457
Clark, don't stay up too late.
250
00:28:51,188 --> 00:28:54,816
Get off me, you little fungus.
251
00:30:54,770 --> 00:30:57,939
Where the hell is that cold coming from?
252
00:31:19,294 --> 00:31:20,294
Hello?
253
00:31:20,462 --> 00:31:23,130
-I need to get a few more--
-Pay by check.
254
00:31:23,298 --> 00:31:27,677
-I will. Not a card?
-No. If they return it, then it's a hassle. . . .
255
00:31:27,844 --> 00:31:30,096
Russ!
256
00:31:33,934 --> 00:31:37,228
-Help!
-Daddy, is Clark coming?
257
00:31:37,396 --> 00:31:39,438
-How would I know?
-Is he in the house?
258
00:31:39,606 --> 00:31:42,441
If he isn't farting around
with his lights, he must be inside.
259
00:31:42,609 --> 00:31:45,361
I'm sure he wants to come shopping
and have lunch with us.
260
00:31:45,529 --> 00:31:51,492
He's got another car. He can drive.
I have to eat so I can take my back pills.
261
00:32:22,024 --> 00:32:24,734
Ellen ! Hey! Ellen !
262
00:35:52,526 --> 00:35:57,488
I want to take off these clothes,
sit with a glass of wine and kiss your body.
263
00:35:57,656 --> 00:35:59,907
-After you shower, of course.
-Of course.
264
00:36:16,591 --> 00:36:18,801
-Sparky?
-Yes, honey.
265
00:36:28,311 --> 00:36:31,939
Are you out here for a reason,
or are you just avoiding the family?
266
00:36:32,107 --> 00:36:35,609
No. I still have a couple hundred
more bulbs to check.
267
00:36:35,986 --> 00:36:40,072
In the meantime, I can light the Santa and
the reindeer and the Merry Christmas sign.
268
00:36:40,949 --> 00:36:43,868
That should look good. Ready?
269
00:36:44,035 --> 00:36:49,290
-You want me to do the drum roll thing?
-No, it's okay. Here goes nothing.
270
00:36:55,463 --> 00:36:57,798
I don't understand it.
271
00:36:58,758 --> 00:37:02,303
The house lights don't work,
the flood lights don't work.
272
00:37:04,306 --> 00:37:05,973
Is it plugged in?
273
00:37:06,141 --> 00:37:08,767
Do you honestly think I would check
thousands of lights. . .
274
00:37:08,935 --> 00:37:11,186
. . . if the extension cord wasn't plugged in?
275
00:37:13,982 --> 00:37:16,775
You used more than one cord, didn't you?
276
00:37:18,820 --> 00:37:23,407
Maybe the kids have been fooling
around with it. I'll check in back.
277
00:37:43,637 --> 00:37:45,638
Clark!
278
00:37:46,431 --> 00:37:48,849
Todd ! What's that light?!
279
00:37:50,018 --> 00:37:51,393
Clark!
280
00:37:52,312 --> 00:37:54,021
Honey, I think I know what's wrong.
281
00:38:10,538 --> 00:38:12,373
I can't see.
282
00:38:12,540 --> 00:38:15,376
No, no, no--
Oh, my God--
283
00:38:30,266 --> 00:38:32,685
This ought to do it.
284
00:38:44,864 --> 00:38:46,198
Ellen, I fixed it!
285
00:38:48,576 --> 00:38:49,910
Oh, God !
286
00:38:50,078 --> 00:38:53,539
Everybody! Come out quick!
Look at the lights!
287
00:39:01,965 --> 00:39:04,800
-Get a towel.
-Okay!
288
00:39:07,554 --> 00:39:10,806
-Wait a minute. I don't believe this!
-What's all the yelling about?
289
00:39:11,224 --> 00:39:14,727
What?! But--
What's going on here?
290
00:39:16,855 --> 00:39:18,981
Twenty-five thousand twinkle lights.
291
00:39:20,942 --> 00:39:23,986
-What's he doing, Clark?
-I haven't the foggiest.
292
00:39:24,154 --> 00:39:26,280
What?
293
00:39:26,448 --> 00:39:31,118
What the hell? What is wrong with this?
294
00:39:32,620 --> 00:39:35,622
Damn it! Damn it!
295
00:39:38,626 --> 00:39:41,712
You goddamn light!
296
00:39:59,647 --> 00:40:00,939
Go! Go! Do it!
297
00:40:13,119 --> 00:40:15,454
Dad, it's beautiful !
298
00:40:31,054 --> 00:40:32,679
Oh, my carpet!
299
00:40:41,648 --> 00:40:46,693
-Oh, Clark, it's so lovely.
-Mom.
300
00:40:47,445 --> 00:40:51,782
You deserve a home like this
to spend Christmas in.
301
00:40:53,409 --> 00:40:58,122
-It's a beaut, Clark. It's a beaut.
-Dad, Dad, Dad.
302
00:40:58,289 --> 00:41:01,083
You taught me everything
I know about exterior illumination.
303
00:41:01,251 --> 00:41:04,002
Thank you, thank you.
304
00:41:04,170 --> 00:41:07,131
Russ. Audrey.
305
00:41:09,884 --> 00:41:13,053
Dear, dear Francis.
306
00:41:15,014 --> 00:41:18,183
I hope this adds to your enjoyment
of the holidays.
307
00:41:18,351 --> 00:41:21,728
-It's just wonderful.
-Yeah.
308
00:41:22,605 --> 00:41:26,108
Arthur. Art.
309
00:41:27,402 --> 00:41:28,652
Dad.
310
00:41:28,820 --> 00:41:33,323
-Thanks for being here.
-The little lights are not twinkling.
311
00:41:33,491 --> 00:41:36,577
I know, Art, and thanks for noticing.
312
00:41:40,748 --> 00:41:42,916
The house sure does look swell, Clark.
313
00:41:43,251 --> 00:41:49,256
Thanks, Eddie. I hope it enhances
your holiday spirit. Dear Cathrine.
314
00:41:49,591 --> 00:41:52,050
Eddie?
315
00:41:52,427 --> 00:41:57,431
-Oh, the house is gorgeous, Clark.
-Eddie?
316
00:41:57,599 --> 00:42:00,893
I hope you didn't do this
all on our account, Clark.
317
00:42:01,060 --> 00:42:04,605
Kids, come on out here and see what
Uncle Clark's done to the house.
318
00:42:04,772 --> 00:42:14,990
Eddie?
319
00:42:16,951 --> 00:42:20,954
Yeah. If you don't remember,
this here is Rocky.
320
00:42:21,331 --> 00:42:24,583
-You got a kiss for me?
-Better take a rain check on that, Art.
321
00:42:24,751 --> 00:42:27,127
He's got a lip fungus
they ain't identified yet.
322
00:42:30,298 --> 00:42:34,468
-You remember Ruby Sue?
-Oh, yeah.
323
00:42:34,719 --> 00:42:36,595
Oh, my gosh !
324
00:42:38,473 --> 00:42:41,600
-Her eyes aren't crossed anymore.
-That's something, ain't it?
325
00:42:41,768 --> 00:42:46,355
Falls in a well, eyes go crossed. She gets
kicked by a mule, they go back to normal.
326
00:42:46,522 --> 00:42:48,982
I don't know.
327
00:42:51,152 --> 00:42:54,696
And this here's our pride and joy. Snots.
328
00:42:55,782 --> 00:42:56,865
Pretty name, Ed.
329
00:42:57,033 --> 00:42:59,952
We named him that
because he's got this sinus condition.
330
00:43:00,787 --> 00:43:04,122
Snots, you roll over and let
Uncle Clark scratch your belly.
331
00:43:06,292 --> 00:43:10,337
You ain't never seen a set on a dog
like this one's got, Clark.
332
00:43:10,505 --> 00:43:11,880
That's okay, Eddie.
333
00:43:12,423 --> 00:43:15,008
That's something, ain't it?
You pet him on the belly. . .
334
00:43:15,176 --> 00:43:17,386
. . .and he'll love you till the day you die.
335
00:43:17,553 --> 00:43:20,514
I really shouldn't.
My hands are all chapped.
336
00:43:20,682 --> 00:43:24,559
We were gonna call, but Eddie
wanted to make it a surprise.
337
00:43:24,727 --> 00:43:28,522
-Yeah. You surprised?
-Surprised, Eddie?
338
00:43:28,690 --> 00:43:33,360
If I woke up with my head sewn
to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised.
339
00:43:35,697 --> 00:43:38,740
We have plenty of room.
340
00:43:39,701 --> 00:43:43,370
We have plenty of towels.
We have plenty of everything.
341
00:43:44,872 --> 00:43:49,334
We're pretty well set up here in the RV.
It's a little tight. . .
342
00:43:49,502 --> 00:43:53,046
-. . . but we didn't come to impose.
-Hell, there's plenty of room.
343
00:43:53,214 --> 00:43:55,924
Quit being so damn polite, Ed.
344
00:43:56,092 --> 00:43:59,803
Cathrine and I, we're pretty
comfy in there, you know.
345
00:43:59,971 --> 00:44:03,390
But maybe you wouldn't mind
the youngsters shacking up with you.
346
00:44:03,558 --> 00:44:08,770
After that long drive, we could
use a little private time together.
347
00:44:08,938 --> 00:44:13,775
Why don't you run and get the kids' things?
Don't forget the rubber sheets and gerbils.
348
00:44:13,943 --> 00:44:16,570
Come on. I wanna show you the home.
349
00:44:16,738 --> 00:44:19,740
Audrey, help me get some
hot chocolate. It's cold.
350
00:44:53,900 --> 00:44:58,111
That's a honey of a tree, Clark.
Is it real?
351
00:44:58,279 --> 00:45:00,989
Yeah. Yeah, I dug it out
of the ground myself.
352
00:45:01,157 --> 00:45:04,785
-Is that a fact?
-Hey, get out of there. Snots! Yo!
353
00:45:04,952 --> 00:45:08,288
Don't worry about it, Clark.
A little tree water ain't gonna hurt him.
354
00:45:08,456 --> 00:45:11,166
Before we left, he drank
a half a quart of Pennzoil.
355
00:45:11,334 --> 00:45:16,463
Boy, when he lifted his leg
the next morning. . . .
356
00:45:16,631 --> 00:45:20,175
If he drinks the water, the tree's
gonna dry up. Come on, out of there.
357
00:45:20,343 --> 00:45:22,427
-Snots.
-Out, out, out.
358
00:45:22,595 --> 00:45:24,471
Get out of there.
Get in the kitchen now.
359
00:45:24,639 --> 00:45:27,808
Get in the kitchen there and get
you something to eat. Go on.
360
00:45:27,975 --> 00:45:33,647
He's cute, ain't he? Problem is, he's got
a little bit of Mississippi leg hound in him.
361
00:45:33,815 --> 00:45:38,819
If the mood catches him right, he'll
grab your leg and just go to town.
362
00:45:38,986 --> 00:45:43,573
Don't want him around if you're wearing
short pants, if you know what I mean.
363
00:45:44,158 --> 00:45:50,163
A word of warning, though. If he does lay
into you, it's best to just let him finish.
364
00:45:51,332 --> 00:45:55,585
I can't believe you're actually standing
here in my living room, Eddie.
365
00:45:55,753 --> 00:46:00,006
-Never thought the day would come.
-Yeah, I'm excited about it too.
366
00:46:00,174 --> 00:46:03,885
It's a crying shame
the older kids couldn't make it.
367
00:46:06,639 --> 00:46:10,934
I'll get that. Don't worry about it.
Let me get it.
368
00:46:13,354 --> 00:46:18,316
Yeah, I got the daughter in the clinic,
getting cured off the Wild Turkey.
369
00:46:18,484 --> 00:46:23,029
And the older boy, bless his soul,
is preparing for his career.
370
00:46:23,197 --> 00:46:24,698
-College?
-Carnival.
371
00:46:25,950 --> 00:46:28,368
-You gotta be proud.
-Oh, yeah.
372
00:46:28,536 --> 00:46:32,581
Yeah, last season he was
a pixie-dust spreader on the Tilt-O-Whirl.
373
00:46:32,748 --> 00:46:34,541
He thinks maybe next year. . .
374
00:46:34,709 --> 00:46:37,919
. . . he'll be guessing people's weight
or barking for the Yak Woman.
375
00:46:40,131 --> 00:46:41,756
-You ever see her?
-No.
376
00:46:41,924 --> 00:46:45,427
She's got these big horns
growing right out above her ears.
377
00:46:45,595 --> 00:46:49,181
Yeah, she's ugly as sin, but a sweet gal.
And a hell of a good cook.
378
00:46:49,348 --> 00:46:51,892
Can I refill your eggnog?
Get you something to eat?
379
00:46:52,268 --> 00:46:54,561
Drive you out to nowhere
and leave you for dead?
380
00:46:54,729 --> 00:46:58,857
No, I'm doing just fine, Clark.
Just glad to be here.
381
00:46:59,025 --> 00:47:03,862
Yeah. So when did you get
the tenement on wheels?
382
00:47:04,030 --> 00:47:07,115
Oh, that there? That's an RV.
383
00:47:07,283 --> 00:47:11,369
Yeah, yeah. I borrowed it off a buddy
of mine. He took my house. . .
384
00:47:11,537 --> 00:47:15,790
. . . I took the RV.
It's a good-looking vehicle, ain't it?
385
00:47:15,958 --> 00:47:18,251
Yeah. Looks so nice parked
in the driveway.
386
00:47:18,419 --> 00:47:22,506
Yeah, it sure does. But don't
you go falling in love with it now.
387
00:47:22,673 --> 00:47:25,884
Because we're taking it with us
when we leave here next month.
388
00:47:35,478 --> 00:47:38,897
Well, get Ed Leftic up here
to look over these figures.
389
00:47:39,065 --> 00:47:41,608
Oh, retooling. That's a great excuse.
390
00:47:43,277 --> 00:47:46,905
Retooling?! I'll retool you !
391
00:47:48,616 --> 00:47:52,160
-Mr. Shirley, merry Christmas.
-Who's that?
392
00:47:53,162 --> 00:47:55,622
-It's me, Clark Griswold.
-What do you want?
393
00:47:57,583 --> 00:48:01,836
My wife and I came up with a little
something special. It's a gift.
394
00:48:03,005 --> 00:48:06,633
Put it over there with the others,
greaseball.
395
00:48:16,185 --> 00:48:20,647
By the way, I hope my report
helped out at the trade show.
396
00:48:25,611 --> 00:48:28,238
I'm sure it did, Grisball.
397
00:48:28,406 --> 00:48:32,158
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm in the middle of an important call.
398
00:48:32,660 --> 00:48:35,829
Get me somebody. Anybody.
399
00:48:36,998 --> 00:48:38,373
And get me somebody while I wait.
400
00:48:51,721 --> 00:48:57,100
This is a new silicon-based kitchen
lubricant my company's been working on.
401
00:48:57,268 --> 00:49:01,021
It creates a surface 500 times
more slippery than any cooking oil.
402
00:49:01,188 --> 00:49:03,523
We're gonna fly down
the hill with this stuff.
403
00:49:03,941 --> 00:49:07,360
-Has anyone ever used it on a sled?
-Not that I know of, Russ.
404
00:49:10,156 --> 00:49:13,533
Well, don't go putting
none of that stuff on my sled, Clark.
405
00:49:13,701 --> 00:49:16,786
-You know that metal plate in my head?
-How could I forget?
406
00:49:16,954 --> 00:49:20,749
I had to have it replaced because every
time Cathrine revved up the microwave. . .
407
00:49:20,916 --> 00:49:24,044
. . . I'd piss my pants and forget
who I was for a half-hour or so.
408
00:49:24,211 --> 00:49:29,591
Over at the V.A. they had to replace it with
a plastic one and it ain't as strong, so. . . .
409
00:49:29,759 --> 00:49:33,011
I don't know if I ought to go down
no hill with nothing between. . .
410
00:49:33,179 --> 00:49:36,389
. . .the ground and my brain
but a piece of government plastic.
411
00:49:38,225 --> 00:49:44,397
-You really think it matters, Eddie?
-The plate runs underneath my part here.
412
00:49:44,982 --> 00:49:47,400
Over here it's, you know, nothing.
413
00:49:47,568 --> 00:49:52,364
But here, if this gets dented,
then my hair just ain't gonna look right.
414
00:49:55,076 --> 00:50:00,205
Yeah, I know the feeling.
I better try this first, see how it works.
415
00:50:00,373 --> 00:50:03,583
-Well, you be careful there.
-There's nothing to worry about, Eddie.
416
00:50:04,460 --> 00:50:08,755
Going for a new amateur recreational
saucer-sled land-speed record:
417
00:50:09,173 --> 00:50:11,758
Clark W. Griswold Jr. !
418
00:50:12,343 --> 00:50:16,763
Remember, don't try this at home, kids.
I am a professional.
419
00:50:18,766 --> 00:50:23,603
Later, dudes. Let her rip. Hang 1 0.
420
00:50:24,563 --> 00:50:27,107
Oh, shit!
421
00:50:40,037 --> 00:50:43,289
This is great! It's great! It's great!
I'm dead !
422
00:51:02,768 --> 00:51:04,185
Look out!
423
00:51:29,003 --> 00:51:30,587
Bingo.
424
00:51:42,141 --> 00:51:47,020
-Clark? You staying late?
-Oh, hi, Bill. Yeah.
425
00:51:47,188 --> 00:51:50,982
Just finishing up a few things.
Last day of the year for me.
426
00:51:51,150 --> 00:51:54,444
Well, have a really Merry Christmas.
427
00:51:55,362 --> 00:51:56,738
You too.
428
00:51:59,200 --> 00:52:02,368
-Are you okay?
-Yeah.
429
00:52:04,038 --> 00:52:06,581
Bill, did you get your bonus yet?
430
00:52:06,749 --> 00:52:09,042
I just talked to my son.
431
00:52:09,210 --> 00:52:12,378
Company messenger brought something
to the house. I guess that's it.
432
00:52:12,546 --> 00:52:17,008
Nothing like waiting till the
last minute, huh? Did you get yours?
433
00:52:19,220 --> 00:52:21,554
If it isn't at the house,
I'm sure it's on its way.
434
00:52:21,931 --> 00:52:26,184
If I don't get that bonus,
I'm in it up to here.
435
00:52:26,352 --> 00:52:31,397
-Don't sweat it. It'll come. Merry Christmas.
-Same to you.
436
00:53:47,725 --> 00:53:48,766
Me?
437
00:54:42,154 --> 00:54:44,364
Santy Claus!
438
00:54:44,531 --> 00:54:46,866
Uncle Clark, are you Santy Claus?
439
00:54:47,034 --> 00:54:49,035
What?
440
00:54:51,789 --> 00:54:54,040
You scared me.
441
00:54:55,376 --> 00:54:57,251
No, I'm not Santa Claus.
442
00:55:00,881 --> 00:55:03,466
I wish I was.
443
00:55:04,093 --> 00:55:06,928
What are you doing up, sweetheart?
444
00:55:08,180 --> 00:55:10,390
-Rocky bit my thumb.
-What?
445
00:55:10,557 --> 00:55:13,351
Him's nervous because
Christmas is almost here.
446
00:55:14,561 --> 00:55:17,772
-Nervous or excited?
-Shitting bricks.
447
00:55:19,233 --> 00:55:23,069
-You shouldn't use that word.
-Sorry. Shitting rocks.
448
00:55:24,029 --> 00:55:25,905
I see. Good.
449
00:55:26,073 --> 00:55:29,993
Him's nervous because he don't
know if he's getting nothing.
450
00:55:32,579 --> 00:55:35,707
I don't think he should be nervous
and you shouldn't be either.
451
00:55:35,874 --> 00:55:38,584
Because if you're good, Santa knows it.
452
00:55:39,420 --> 00:55:43,756
If you believe in him and you believe
in your mom and you believe in your. . . .
453
00:55:43,924 --> 00:55:46,259
Your dad.
454
00:55:46,427 --> 00:55:50,930
If you've been good all year round,
Santa Claus is gonna bring you something.
455
00:55:51,724 --> 00:55:55,101
Sometimes I think all that
Santa crap is just bull.
456
00:55:55,269 --> 00:55:58,646
If he was so real, how come
we didn't get squat last year?
457
00:55:58,814 --> 00:56:01,482
We didn't do nothing wrong
and we still got the shaft.
458
00:56:02,359 --> 00:56:06,320
Well, I happen to know for a fact
that Santa Claus is real.
459
00:56:07,114 --> 00:56:09,574
And in the next couple of days. . .
460
00:56:09,742 --> 00:56:11,909
. . .somehow I'm gonna prove it to you.
461
00:56:13,370 --> 00:56:16,456
You know, every year he comes
to our house. I've seen him.
462
00:56:17,791 --> 00:56:21,502
-That's true?
-Cross my heart.
463
00:56:24,506 --> 00:56:27,884
-So it's good you came to stay with us.
-I love it here.
464
00:56:28,052 --> 00:56:30,762
You don't gotta put on your coat
to go to the bathroom.
465
00:56:30,929 --> 00:56:33,431
And your house is always parked
in the same place.
466
00:56:37,144 --> 00:56:40,063
I think you'd better go back to bed now.
467
00:56:41,732 --> 00:56:44,776
Okay. How come you ain't sleeping?
468
00:56:47,154 --> 00:56:50,239
Oh, I was just looking for something.
469
00:56:52,910 --> 00:56:57,538
You didn't notice if a man came here
and delivered a letter today, did you?
470
00:56:57,706 --> 00:56:59,749
Nope. How come?
471
00:56:59,917 --> 00:57:02,251
Oh, just wondering.
472
00:57:07,174 --> 00:57:09,675
Now you get back to bed. Come on.
473
00:57:16,141 --> 00:57:18,684
Uncle Clark, are you sure
you ain't Santy Claus?
474
00:57:20,312 --> 00:57:22,105
I'm sure.
475
00:57:26,443 --> 00:57:29,612
I can't even afford to be an elf.
476
00:57:39,039 --> 00:57:43,543
Two containers of K rations!
Two containers of K rations!
477
00:57:43,710 --> 00:57:47,213
Then I had Spam until
it was coming out of my ears.
478
00:57:47,381 --> 00:57:49,340
Oh, bullshit!
479
00:57:58,934 --> 00:58:03,563
-Aren't you having any breakfast?
-I'm not in the mood.
480
00:58:04,064 --> 00:58:06,566
What are you looking at?
481
00:58:07,276 --> 00:58:10,444
Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn.
482
00:58:10,612 --> 00:58:13,781
The clean, cool chill of the holiday air.
483
00:58:13,949 --> 00:58:17,618
And an asshole in his bathrobe emptying
a chemical toilet into my sewer.
484
00:58:22,916 --> 00:58:25,751
-Shitter was full !
-Yeah.
485
00:58:25,919 --> 00:58:28,671
-Have you checked our shitters, honey?
-Clark, please.
486
00:58:28,839 --> 00:58:31,257
-He doesn't know any better.
-It's illegal.
487
00:58:31,425 --> 00:58:35,595
It's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity
the person who lights a match near it.
488
00:58:59,286 --> 00:59:03,956
Merry Christmas. Shitter was full.
489
00:59:17,888 --> 00:59:21,766
l have a terrible suspicion Cathrine
and Eddie don't have presents for their kids.
490
00:59:22,309 --> 00:59:27,688
Rocky said something about Eddie telling
him Santa Claus wasn't coming this year.
491
00:59:28,523 --> 00:59:32,109
Yeah. Ruby Sue said something
like that last night.
492
00:59:32,277 --> 00:59:36,030
-How can they have nothing for the kids?
-He's been out of work for seven years.
493
00:59:36,198 --> 00:59:38,324
In seven years he couldn't find a job?
494
00:59:38,492 --> 00:59:42,620
Cathrine says he's been holding out
for a management position.
495
00:59:46,291 --> 00:59:51,671
-So how's the live-bait business, Eddie?
-Well, I can't complain. How you doing?
496
00:59:51,838 --> 00:59:53,631
Not that good, actually.
497
00:59:53,799 --> 00:59:57,134
Your company kill off all them
people over in India not long ago?
498
00:59:57,302 --> 01:00:03,015
No. We missed out on that one. You're
pretty set so far as shopping goes?
499
01:00:03,183 --> 01:00:08,437
Well, I can't lie to you, Clark. The truth
is, things ain't going too good at all.
500
01:00:08,605 --> 01:00:13,901
You know, I told you I borrowed the RV
from my neighbor? Nope. It's mine.
501
01:00:14,069 --> 01:00:19,907
We live in it. I had to sell off
the house, the barn, the 1 0 acres.
502
01:00:20,075 --> 01:00:26,497
All I kept was a 50-foot plot,
the pigs and the worm farm.
503
01:00:26,999 --> 01:00:29,375
If only I had back the money
that me and Cathrine. . .
504
01:00:29,543 --> 01:00:34,005
. . .sent that TV preacher that was
screwing the hockey players.
505
01:00:34,172 --> 01:00:36,048
What about the kids?
506
01:00:36,216 --> 01:00:39,885
-His kids can fend for themselves.
-No, your kids.
507
01:00:40,053 --> 01:00:43,556
Oh, well, that's the bitch of it.
See, I don't know what to do.
508
01:00:43,724 --> 01:00:48,936
We coasted into town on fumes.
The gas money give out in Gurnee.
509
01:00:49,771 --> 01:00:51,647
Eddie. . . .
510
01:00:52,649 --> 01:00:56,110
Ellen and I want to help you
give the kids a nice Christmas.
511
01:00:56,278 --> 01:00:59,739
-Clark, I couldn't do that.
-No, no, we insist.
512
01:00:59,906 --> 01:01:02,408
Oh, no. I'm not one
for charity, now.
513
01:01:02,576 --> 01:01:06,078
Oh, I know that, Eddie.
This isn't charity. It's family.
514
01:01:08,415 --> 01:01:11,584
-I don't know about that.
-Now, come on.
515
01:01:11,752 --> 01:01:15,546
If you don't tell me what they want,
I'll go out and get it on my own.
516
01:01:17,424 --> 01:01:21,594
Oh, boy.
This is a surprise, Clark.
517
01:01:22,179 --> 01:01:27,975
This is just a real nice surprise.
Just a real nice surprise.
518
01:01:33,065 --> 01:01:37,109
Here's a little list.
Alphabetical, starting with Cathrine.
519
01:01:37,277 --> 01:01:41,238
And if it wouldn't be too much,
I'd like to get something for you, Clark.
520
01:01:41,406 --> 01:01:44,283
Something really nice.
521
01:02:01,218 --> 01:02:05,221
-Is your house on fire, Clark?
-No, Bethany. Those are Christmas lights.
522
01:02:05,389 --> 01:02:08,766
-Don't throw me down, Clark.
-I'll try not to, Aunt Bethany.
523
01:02:09,476 --> 01:02:12,353
-Is this the airport, Clark?
-We're here!
524
01:02:12,729 --> 01:02:16,315
Hey, Gris, me and Bethany
figured out the perfect gift for you.
525
01:02:16,483 --> 01:02:19,151
Oh, Uncle Lewis, you didn't
have to buy me anything.
526
01:02:19,319 --> 01:02:22,321
Damn it, Bethany, he guessed it.
527
01:02:22,489 --> 01:02:26,784
Oh, that was fun.
I love riding in cars.
528
01:02:27,786 --> 01:02:30,663
When did you move to Florida?
529
01:02:32,124 --> 01:02:35,418
Ellen, are you still dating Clark?
530
01:02:36,878 --> 01:02:41,173
Oh, Aunt Bethany, you know
you shouldn't have done that.
531
01:02:41,341 --> 01:02:44,009
Oh, dear. Did I break wind?
532
01:02:44,344 --> 01:02:47,847
Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany?
533
01:02:48,014 --> 01:02:51,559
Hell, no. She means presents.
You shouldn't have brought presents.
534
01:02:52,060 --> 01:02:55,896
It isn't every day somebody
moves into a new house.
535
01:02:56,064 --> 01:02:58,190
They didn't move into a new house.
536
01:02:59,401 --> 01:03:01,527
-Mom?
-In the living room, Russ.
537
01:03:03,864 --> 01:03:07,366
This house is bigger
than your old one.
538
01:03:07,993 --> 01:03:09,952
Is Rusty still in the Navy?
539
01:03:10,120 --> 01:03:14,165
Aunt Bethany, why don't you go with
Francis and Cathrine into the living room. . .
540
01:03:14,332 --> 01:03:16,834
-. . .and say hello to everybody.
-Hello, everybody?
541
01:03:17,002 --> 01:03:19,128
-Just in the living room.
-I should say it?
542
01:03:19,296 --> 01:03:22,256
-You should say it.
-Hello, everybody!
543
01:03:23,425 --> 01:03:25,009
-Mom.
-What?
544
01:03:25,177 --> 01:03:28,387
-This box is meowing.
-Let me see it.
545
01:03:33,685 --> 01:03:36,896
-She wrapped up her cat.
-Take it in the kitchen and open it up.
546
01:03:37,063 --> 01:03:40,065
-Then we'll have a cat running around.
-You can't leave it in the box.
547
01:03:40,233 --> 01:03:42,651
Why would somebody
wrap up a cat in a box?
548
01:03:42,819 --> 01:03:46,363
She gets confused, Rusty. She and
Uncle Lewis don't have much money. . .
549
01:03:46,531 --> 01:03:49,783
. . .so she takes things from the house
and gives them as presents.
550
01:03:49,951 --> 01:03:51,869
Great. Can't wait to see what I got.
551
01:03:52,037 --> 01:03:55,122
This one here is leaking.
552
01:04:01,171 --> 01:04:04,798
-It's lime.
-That's her Jell-O mold. I'll take it, Eddie.
553
01:04:04,966 --> 01:04:08,761
Why don't you go back in the living room
and enjoy yourself? Russ?
554
01:04:08,929 --> 01:04:10,262
Come on, boy.
555
01:04:11,681 --> 01:04:13,432
Let's go find your sister.
556
01:04:34,454 --> 01:04:39,458
Before we begin, since this is
Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas. . .
557
01:04:39,626 --> 01:04:43,671
. . . I think she should lead us
in the saying of grace.
558
01:04:43,838 --> 01:04:44,922
Great.
559
01:04:46,800 --> 01:04:48,717
What, dear?
560
01:04:49,928 --> 01:04:51,470
Grace!
561
01:04:52,222 --> 01:04:56,475
Grace? She passed away
30 years ago.
562
01:04:56,643 --> 01:04:58,978
They want you
to say grace.
563
01:05:01,690 --> 01:05:03,983
The blessing.
564
01:05:20,667 --> 01:05:26,213
I pledge allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America. . .
565
01:05:26,673 --> 01:05:30,092
. . .and to the republic
for which it stands. . .
566
01:05:30,260 --> 01:05:32,678
. . .one nation under God,
indivisible. . .
567
01:05:32,846 --> 01:05:38,100
. . .with liberty
and justice for all.
568
01:05:38,768 --> 01:05:40,686
-Amen.
-Amen.
569
01:05:45,775 --> 01:05:49,737
Cathrine, if this turkey tastes
half as good as it looks. . .
570
01:05:49,904 --> 01:05:52,781
. . . I think we're all in
for a very big treat.
571
01:05:53,491 --> 01:05:55,159
Thank you.
572
01:05:56,828 --> 01:06:00,372
-Save the neck for me, Clark.
-Okay, Eddie.
573
01:06:09,257 --> 01:06:10,591
Look at that.
574
01:06:15,180 --> 01:06:16,722
Sorry.
575
01:06:17,182 --> 01:06:21,185
-Why are you crying?
-I told you we put it in too early.
576
01:06:21,353 --> 01:06:25,564
-Oh, it's just a little dry. It's fine.
-It looks good to me.
577
01:06:26,399 --> 01:06:27,608
Here's the heart.
578
01:07:28,545 --> 01:07:30,254
Aunt Bethany?
579
01:07:31,506 --> 01:07:33,590
Does your cat, by any chance,
eat Jell-O?
580
01:07:36,136 --> 01:07:39,638
Well, I don't know about the cat,
but I sure am enjoying it.
581
01:07:52,944 --> 01:07:54,153
Hey, kids?
582
01:07:54,738 --> 01:07:59,783
I heard on the news that a pilot spotted
Santa's sled on its way in from New York.
583
01:08:06,332 --> 01:08:08,208
You serious, Clark?
584
01:08:10,211 --> 01:08:15,632
Art, you want to load me up with
a little more there. It is good.
585
01:08:23,850 --> 01:08:25,017
-Ed?
-Yeah, Clark.
586
01:08:25,185 --> 01:08:27,019
What's wrong with the dog?
587
01:08:30,440 --> 01:08:35,235
Oh, he's just yacking on a bone.
He's got it up. He's all right now.
588
01:08:36,905 --> 01:08:39,698
Maybe if you wouldn't
feed him from the table.
589
01:08:41,159 --> 01:08:43,535
No, no.
590
01:08:43,703 --> 01:08:46,705
He's probably just nosing
through the trash there.
591
01:08:55,089 --> 01:08:58,842
Hey, Gris, if you're not doing
anything constructive. . .
592
01:08:59,010 --> 01:09:02,346
. . . run into the living room,
get my stogy.
593
01:09:03,181 --> 01:09:06,266
Is there anything else I can
do for you, Uncle Lewis?
594
01:09:06,434 --> 01:09:09,853
He's an old man.
This may be his last Christmas.
595
01:09:10,021 --> 01:09:12,815
If he keeps it up,
it will be his last Christmas.
596
01:09:46,599 --> 01:09:48,559
That should be it.
597
01:09:55,066 --> 01:09:56,608
Honey?
598
01:10:04,284 --> 01:10:08,370
-You had too many plugs in one outlet.
-Oh, God.
599
01:10:09,455 --> 01:10:11,456
What is it?
600
01:10:12,667 --> 01:10:16,169
Nothing. Let's go in
and finish our dessert.
601
01:10:18,172 --> 01:10:21,967
If that thing had nine lives,
she just spent them all.
602
01:10:26,306 --> 01:10:30,851
If you don't mind, Clark, I'd like to see
if I can fumigate this here chair.
603
01:10:31,019 --> 01:10:33,812
It's a good, quality item.
604
01:10:35,064 --> 01:10:39,985
If you don't mind me asking,
how much it set you back?
605
01:10:40,153 --> 01:10:41,987
You smell something?
606
01:10:44,073 --> 01:10:46,116
Fried pussycat.
607
01:10:48,161 --> 01:10:51,663
It's not the chair. It's some kind
of gas coming from the sewer.
608
01:11:39,379 --> 01:11:40,796
Lewis?
609
01:11:41,881 --> 01:11:43,590
My tree!
610
01:11:45,176 --> 01:11:46,885
So, what's the matter with you?
611
01:11:48,388 --> 01:11:50,931
Look what you've done to my tree!
612
01:11:53,559 --> 01:11:55,060
Lewis.
613
01:12:05,905 --> 01:12:08,323
It was an ugly tree, anyway.
614
01:12:08,491 --> 01:12:10,867
At least it's out of its misery.
615
01:12:11,244 --> 01:12:13,370
-Dad's gonna flip out.
-Nobody's gonna flip out.
616
01:12:13,538 --> 01:12:16,206
We're gonna have
a wonderful Christmas.
617
01:12:19,377 --> 01:12:20,877
What the hell do you want?
618
01:12:21,045 --> 01:12:26,216
I have a delivery for Clark W. Grisman.
I was supposed to deliver it yesterday. . .
619
01:12:26,384 --> 01:12:31,430
. . . but it fell between the seats,
and I didn't see it. I'm sorry.
620
01:12:37,937 --> 01:12:42,357
Merry Christmas.
621
01:12:45,778 --> 01:12:47,988
-I can't believe it.
-What is it?
622
01:12:48,156 --> 01:12:51,324
A letter confirming your reservation
at the nut house?
623
01:12:51,492 --> 01:12:53,452
It's from my company.
624
01:12:53,619 --> 01:12:56,163
-Your bonus.
-My bonus.
625
01:13:01,878 --> 01:13:03,795
Open it, Clarkie.
Open it.
626
01:13:04,464 --> 01:13:06,965
Yeah, I hope it's a fortune, Clark.
627
01:13:07,133 --> 01:13:09,092
I bet you do, Eddie.
628
01:13:13,139 --> 01:13:14,389
I was afraid. . . .
629
01:13:14,557 --> 01:13:17,476
Are you gonna bawl all over it,
or are you gonna open it?
630
01:13:19,604 --> 01:13:24,649
I was gonna wait till tomorrow to tell
you all this, but what the heck.
631
01:13:25,359 --> 01:13:28,862
With this bonus check,
I'm putting in a swimming pool.
632
01:13:33,242 --> 01:13:35,994
That's it. That's the big one!
633
01:13:37,997 --> 01:13:39,372
Open it!
634
01:13:41,292 --> 01:13:45,045
I'm sorry if I've been a little short
with everyone lately.
635
01:13:45,213 --> 01:13:47,339
I've been waiting
for this bonus.
636
01:13:47,507 --> 01:13:50,175
To make sure the pool goes in
when the ground thaws. . .
637
01:13:50,343 --> 01:13:53,011
. . . I had to pay in advance.
And until this arrived. . .
638
01:13:53,179 --> 01:13:56,348
. . . I didn't have enough in my account
to cover the check.
639
01:13:56,516 --> 01:13:58,725
-Tear the sucker open, Dad.
-Yeah.
640
01:14:00,269 --> 01:14:03,730
Drum roll. Just kidding.
641
01:14:09,904 --> 01:14:14,324
If there's enough left over, I'm gonna fly
you all down here to help us dedicate it.
642
01:14:18,287 --> 01:14:20,539
I can't swim, Clark.
643
01:14:21,207 --> 01:14:23,125
I know that, Eddie.
644
01:14:37,390 --> 01:14:39,432
Clark, what's wrong?
645
01:14:39,600 --> 01:14:41,059
Honey?
646
01:14:42,145 --> 01:14:44,855
It's bigger than you expected?
647
01:14:48,067 --> 01:14:49,651
Smaller?
648
01:14:52,029 --> 01:14:53,655
What is it?
649
01:14:54,699 --> 01:14:58,660
It's a one-year membership
in the Jelly of the Month Club.
650
01:14:58,828 --> 01:14:59,828
Oh, God.
651
01:14:59,996 --> 01:15:04,416
Clark, that's the gift that keeps
on giving the whole year.
652
01:15:05,751 --> 01:15:09,796
That it is, Edward.
That it is, indeed.
653
01:15:09,964 --> 01:15:13,049
I'm sorry. Clark. . . .
654
01:15:13,551 --> 01:15:19,097
If this isn't the biggest bag-over-the-head
punch in the face I ever got. Goddamn it!
655
01:15:19,265 --> 01:15:20,724
Son.
656
01:15:33,613 --> 01:15:37,949
That's good. That's good.
That's good.
657
01:15:41,913 --> 01:15:43,288
Hey!
658
01:15:44,248 --> 01:15:49,628
If any of you are looking for any
last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one.
659
01:15:49,795 --> 01:15:52,631
I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss,
right here, tonight.
660
01:15:53,799 --> 01:15:57,135
I want him brought from his happy
holiday slumber on Melody Lane. . .
661
01:15:57,303 --> 01:16:00,388
. . .with all the other rich people,
and I want him right here.
662
01:16:00,556 --> 01:16:02,974
With a big ribbon on his head.
663
01:16:03,142 --> 01:16:05,644
I wanna look him straight
in the eye and tell him. . .
664
01:16:05,811 --> 01:16:08,688
. . .what a cheap, lying, no good,
rotten, four-flushing. . .
665
01:16:08,856 --> 01:16:11,983
. . . low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating,
inbred, overstuffed. . .
666
01:16:12,151 --> 01:16:16,905
. . . ignorant, bloodsucking, dog-kissing,
brainless, dickless, hopeless. . .
667
01:16:17,073 --> 01:16:20,825
. . . heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed,
stiff-legged, spotty-lipped. . .
668
01:16:20,993 --> 01:16:23,995
. . .worm-headed sack
of monkey shit he is!
669
01:16:24,163 --> 01:16:28,458
Hallelujah ! Holy shit!
Where's the Tylenol?
670
01:16:42,014 --> 01:16:46,559
-He's got that crazed look in his eye.
-I told you we should've gone to Hawaii.
671
01:16:46,727 --> 01:16:49,980
Turn that thing off
and get in the house!
672
01:16:50,147 --> 01:16:52,190
I'll talk to him, Mom.
673
01:16:55,361 --> 01:16:58,029
You know, Dad.
I've been thinking.
674
01:17:00,032 --> 01:17:01,408
Good talk, Dad.
675
01:17:07,206 --> 01:17:09,833
Aren't you a bit sorry we didn't
get a Christmas tree?
676
01:17:10,001 --> 01:17:13,545
Even though they're dirty and
messy and corny and clichéd.
677
01:17:13,713 --> 01:17:17,215
Well, where you gonna find a tree
at this hour on Christmas Eve?
678
01:17:36,569 --> 01:17:38,236
What's the matter?
679
01:17:39,530 --> 01:17:41,906
Was that really necessary?
680
01:17:43,534 --> 01:17:45,869
-We needed a tree.
-May I remind you that--
681
01:17:46,037 --> 01:17:50,248
That this was all my idea. No.
No, no. I'm well aware of that, honey.
682
01:17:50,541 --> 01:17:53,877
Could you just keep it in mind
the next time you go berserk?
683
01:17:54,170 --> 01:17:57,422
I didn't go berserk.
I simply solved a problem.
684
01:17:59,717 --> 01:18:04,095
We needed a coffin.
I mean, a tree.
685
01:18:04,263 --> 01:18:06,348
There are no lots open
on Christmas Eve.
686
01:18:06,515 --> 01:18:10,477
Lewis burned down my tree,
so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà.
687
01:18:11,103 --> 01:18:14,439
-Are you okay?
-I'm fine, honey.
688
01:18:38,631 --> 01:18:40,757
Fixed the newelpost.
689
01:19:03,155 --> 01:19:04,614
What's that sound?
690
01:19:26,679 --> 01:19:31,307
Do you hear it?
It's a funny squeaky sound.
691
01:19:32,226 --> 01:19:36,563
You couldn't hear a dump truck
driving through a nitroglycerin plant.
692
01:19:38,232 --> 01:19:39,941
I hear it too.
693
01:19:48,367 --> 01:19:50,243
I don't hear it anymore.
694
01:20:03,883 --> 01:20:05,758
What was it?! Oh, my God !
695
01:20:12,224 --> 01:20:14,476
Quiet! Shut up!
696
01:20:27,239 --> 01:20:29,407
Mom, don't move.
697
01:20:30,576 --> 01:20:33,411
We can't let it get out
of the living room.
698
01:20:34,205 --> 01:20:36,915
Where's Eddie? He usually eats
these goddamn things.
699
01:20:37,082 --> 01:20:42,086
Oh, not recently, Clark. He read that
squirrels were high in cholesterol.
700
01:20:42,254 --> 01:20:44,088
Thank you, Cathrine.
701
01:20:44,965 --> 01:20:46,382
I'll try and trap it.
702
01:20:46,634 --> 01:20:48,468
-Russ!
-Right here, Dad.
703
01:20:49,178 --> 01:20:51,095
Oh, there you are.
704
01:20:51,805 --> 01:20:53,264
Go get the hammer.
705
01:20:53,432 --> 01:20:55,558
Clark, what do you need
a hammer for?
706
01:20:55,726 --> 01:20:59,270
I'm gonna catch it in the coat
and smack it with the hammer.
707
01:21:06,862 --> 01:21:08,988
I'm going in with him.
708
01:21:12,117 --> 01:21:13,785
Nora?
709
01:21:14,787 --> 01:21:17,580
-Nora!
-Is it gone?
710
01:21:17,748 --> 01:21:20,792
It probably got scared
and ran back into the tree.
711
01:21:21,085 --> 01:21:22,961
Squirrel !
712
01:22:01,584 --> 01:22:05,795
You just march right over there
and slug that creep in the face.
713
01:22:05,963 --> 01:22:09,007
-I can't just attack someone.
-If you're not man enough. . .
714
01:22:09,174 --> 01:22:12,093
. . .to put an end to this shit,
then I am.
715
01:22:39,830 --> 01:22:41,998
Oh, my God !
716
01:22:44,710 --> 01:22:46,794
What happened to you?
717
01:22:53,927 --> 01:22:57,388
Beautiful. God.
718
01:22:58,974 --> 01:23:01,976
Where do you think you're going?
Nobody's leaving.
719
01:23:02,144 --> 01:23:04,812
Nobody's walking out
on this family Christmas.
720
01:23:04,980 --> 01:23:07,398
No, no. We're all in this together.
721
01:23:07,650 --> 01:23:10,568
This is a full-blown, four-alarm
holiday emergency here.
722
01:23:10,944 --> 01:23:14,364
We're gonna press on, and we're gonna
have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas. . .
723
01:23:14,531 --> 01:23:16,866
. . .since Bing Crosby tap-danced
with Danny Kaye.
724
01:23:17,368 --> 01:23:20,328
And when Santa squeezes his ass
down that chimney tonight. . .
725
01:23:20,496 --> 01:23:24,457
. . . he's gonna find the jolliest bunch
of assholes this side of the nut house.
726
01:23:24,875 --> 01:23:26,125
You're goofy.
727
01:23:26,293 --> 01:23:28,086
-Don't piss me off, Art.
-Clark?
728
01:23:29,129 --> 01:23:31,339
-It's over.
-Not according to Santa's watch.
729
01:23:31,507 --> 01:23:33,341
-Come on, son.
-Stay out of this, Dad.
730
01:23:33,509 --> 01:23:36,552
Clark, I think it's best
if everyone just goes home.
731
01:23:37,096 --> 01:23:40,098
-Before things get worse.
-Worse?
732
01:23:40,265 --> 01:23:41,766
How could they
get any worse?
733
01:23:41,934 --> 01:23:46,312
Take a look around you, Ellen.
We're at the threshold of hell.
734
01:24:04,039 --> 01:24:05,456
Son?
735
01:24:06,709 --> 01:24:09,252
I love you.
We all love you.
736
01:24:09,503 --> 01:24:13,673
But this is a terrible night.
Nothing's gone right. It's a disaster.
737
01:24:13,841 --> 01:24:17,135
You losing your temper with
the whole family only makes things worse.
738
01:24:17,302 --> 01:24:20,304
You're too good a father
to act like this.
739
01:24:21,640 --> 01:24:26,144
In years to come, you'll want your family
to remember all the love you gave us.
740
01:24:26,311 --> 01:24:29,147
And how hard you tried
to make the perfect Christmas.
741
01:24:29,314 --> 01:24:32,316
-Well, I just--
-You just cocked it up.
742
01:24:33,819 --> 01:24:37,113
Oh, it's okay. It happens.
743
01:24:39,199 --> 01:24:42,994
-Our holidays were always such a mess.
-Oh, yeah.
744
01:24:43,495 --> 01:24:45,538
How did you
get through it?
745
01:24:46,165 --> 01:24:49,167
I had a lot of help
from Jack Daniels.
746
01:24:57,885 --> 01:24:59,802
I love you.
747
01:25:01,513 --> 01:25:03,347
-Dad?
-Yeah.
748
01:25:03,849 --> 01:25:07,351
Are you gonna recite
The Night Before Christmas?
749
01:25:07,519 --> 01:25:10,563
It's your house.
It's your Christmas.
750
01:25:11,356 --> 01:25:13,357
I'm retiring.
751
01:25:14,401 --> 01:25:17,278
"The children were nestled
all snug in their beds. . .
752
01:25:17,446 --> 01:25:20,907
. . .while visions of sugarplums
danced in their heads.
753
01:25:21,074 --> 01:25:23,743
And Mama in her kerchief
and I in my cap. . .
754
01:25:23,911 --> 01:25:26,704
. . . had just settled our brains
for a long winter's nap.
755
01:25:26,997 --> 01:25:29,916
When out on the lawn,
there arose such a clatter. . .
756
01:25:30,626 --> 01:25:32,543
. . . I sprang from my bed to see
what was the matter.
757
01:25:32,795 --> 01:25:35,004
Away to the window,
I flew like a flash. . .
758
01:25:35,172 --> 01:25:37,840
. . .tore open the shutters
and threw up the sash.
759
01:25:38,008 --> 01:25:42,261
The moon on the new-fallen snow
gave a luster of midday to objects below.
760
01:25:42,554 --> 01:25:48,392
When what to my wondering eyes should
appear but a miniature sleigh and. . . ."
761
01:25:48,560 --> 01:25:52,230
And Eddie with a man in his
pajamas with a dog chain. . .
762
01:25:52,397 --> 01:25:54,982
. . .tied to his wrists and ankles.
What the--?
763
01:25:57,236 --> 01:25:58,903
Stay here.
764
01:26:03,408 --> 01:26:07,245
Ho, ho, ho.
Merry Christmas, Clark.
765
01:26:08,121 --> 01:26:10,957
You about ready to do some kissing?
766
01:26:12,626 --> 01:26:15,253
Yes, officer, it seems my husband's
been abducted.
767
01:26:15,420 --> 01:26:17,421
The man was. . .
768
01:26:17,589 --> 01:26:22,134
. . .wearing a blue leisure suit,
and the plates were from Kansas.
769
01:26:22,302 --> 01:26:25,763
He was a huge, beastly,
bulging man and--
770
01:26:26,014 --> 01:26:28,349
I've never been treated
like this in my life.
771
01:26:28,517 --> 01:26:31,936
I'm sorry. This is our family's
first kidnapping.
772
01:26:32,104 --> 01:26:35,273
You're fired. And where's the phone?
I'm calling the police.
773
01:26:35,440 --> 01:26:39,443
Hey, just hold your wad there, fella.
Clark had nothing to do with this.
774
01:26:39,611 --> 01:26:41,779
This here was my idea.
775
01:26:41,947 --> 01:26:45,783
All right. He's still fired,
and you are going to jail.
776
01:26:45,951 --> 01:26:49,245
Oh, no. Eddie, it was my fault.
777
01:26:50,080 --> 01:26:52,206
I lost my temper
when I got my bonus.
778
01:26:52,374 --> 01:26:55,459
-I guess I said some things I shouldn't have.
-Bonus?
779
01:26:55,627 --> 01:26:58,963
How did you get a bonus?
I cut out bonuses this year.
780
01:26:59,131 --> 01:27:01,340
Yeah. Thanks for telling us.
781
01:27:01,758 --> 01:27:05,595
I was expecting a check.
Instead I got enrolled in a jelly club.
782
01:27:05,762 --> 01:27:09,849
Seventeen years with the company. I've
gotten a bonus every year but this one.
783
01:27:10,017 --> 01:27:11,809
You don't wanna give bonuses, fine!
784
01:27:11,977 --> 01:27:14,770
But when people count on them
as part of their salary. . .
785
01:27:14,938 --> 01:27:17,481
-. . .well, what you did just plain--
-Sucks.
786
01:27:19,443 --> 01:27:21,152
Thank you, Russ.
787
01:27:22,654 --> 01:27:24,322
My. . .
788
01:27:24,489 --> 01:27:27,491
. . .cousin-in-law, whose heart
is bigger than his brain--
789
01:27:27,659 --> 01:27:29,911
I appreciate that, Clark.
790
01:27:30,579 --> 01:27:33,915
Is innocent. I'll be more than happy
to take the rap on this.
791
01:27:34,082 --> 01:27:38,669
On behalf of myself and every other
employee you rear-ended this Christmas.
792
01:27:57,022 --> 01:27:58,689
Look. . .
793
01:28:00,025 --> 01:28:03,194
. . .sometimes things look
good on paper. . .
794
01:28:03,362 --> 01:28:07,365
. . . but lose their luster when you see
how it affects real folks.
795
01:28:08,241 --> 01:28:10,576
I guess a healthy bottom line
doesn't mean much. . .
796
01:28:10,744 --> 01:28:13,996
. . . if to get it you have to hurt
the ones you depend on.
797
01:28:15,999 --> 01:28:18,918
It's people that make the difference.
798
01:28:19,086 --> 01:28:21,212
Little people, like you.
799
01:28:23,090 --> 01:28:26,008
So, Carl. . .
800
01:28:26,885 --> 01:28:29,303
. . .whatever you got last year. . .
801
01:28:29,471 --> 01:28:32,056
. . .add 20 percent.
802
01:28:33,308 --> 01:28:34,558
Our pool !
803
01:28:39,523 --> 01:28:40,523
Dad.
804
01:29:24,985 --> 01:29:27,570
Go away, Todd.
805
01:29:27,738 --> 01:29:32,491
If you wanna come in, you are gonna have
to break down the goddamn door!
806
01:29:43,712 --> 01:29:46,922
Merry Christmas to all
and to all a good night!
807
01:29:58,477 --> 01:30:00,311
Freeze!
808
01:30:01,813 --> 01:30:04,148
Not you, them !
Them !
809
01:30:13,366 --> 01:30:15,284
This way, please.
810
01:30:17,829 --> 01:30:21,707
-I think you've made a terrible mistake.
-I told you to freeze, mister.
811
01:30:21,875 --> 01:30:23,501
May we blink?
812
01:30:27,047 --> 01:30:28,756
Frank.
813
01:30:29,174 --> 01:30:30,925
-Helen !
-Thank God, you're all right.
814
01:30:31,093 --> 01:30:32,927
Oh, I'm fine.
I'm just fine.
815
01:30:33,095 --> 01:30:35,262
It was a big misunderstanding tonight.
816
01:30:35,430 --> 01:30:38,682
Excuse me. Would you and
Mrs. Shirley like to step outside. . .
817
01:30:38,850 --> 01:30:40,935
. . .so we can take care
of business here?
818
01:30:41,103 --> 01:30:43,687
There's no business.
I'm not pressing any charges.
819
01:30:43,980 --> 01:30:45,940
-What?
-It was a mistake.
820
01:30:46,108 --> 01:30:49,151
Mistake? Frank, honey,
you were kidnapped.
821
01:30:49,319 --> 01:30:53,030
I did something I shouldn't have,
and these people called me on it.
822
01:30:53,198 --> 01:30:56,242
This is Clark Griswold
and his family.
823
01:30:56,409 --> 01:30:58,536
Welcome to our home.
824
01:30:59,371 --> 01:31:00,746
What's left of it.
825
01:31:00,914 --> 01:31:03,874
-Release B Squad.
-What's going on here?
826
01:31:04,126 --> 01:31:09,088
Remember how I was toying with the notion
of suspending the Christmas bonuses?
827
01:31:09,256 --> 01:31:14,093
You didn't. Well, of all the cheap,
lousy ways to save a buck!
828
01:31:14,261 --> 01:31:17,888
That's pretty low, mister. If I had
a rubber hose, I would beat you to--
829
01:31:18,056 --> 01:31:20,182
I changed my mind.
I'm reinstating the bonuses.
830
01:31:22,727 --> 01:31:24,228
Look!
831
01:31:25,981 --> 01:31:27,898
Look, look!
832
01:31:30,110 --> 01:31:31,569
Look!
833
01:31:31,736 --> 01:31:34,446
Ruby Sue, sweetheart.
834
01:31:37,951 --> 01:31:40,411
-It's Santa Claus.
-What? What's wrong?
835
01:31:42,247 --> 01:31:45,374
-What?
-She thinks she sees Santa.
836
01:31:45,542 --> 01:31:48,419
No, it's the Christmas star.
837
01:31:49,254 --> 01:31:51,589
And that's all that matters tonight.
838
01:31:52,757 --> 01:31:57,052
Not bonuses or gifts
or turkeys or trees.
839
01:31:57,220 --> 01:31:59,013
See, kids. . .
840
01:31:59,472 --> 01:32:02,266
. . . it means something different
to everybody.
841
01:32:04,269 --> 01:32:06,478
Now I know what it means to me.
842
01:32:08,023 --> 01:32:13,652
That ain't the frigging Christmas star, Gris.
It's a light on the sewage treatment plant.
843
01:32:13,820 --> 01:32:15,279
Sewer gas.
844
01:32:17,282 --> 01:32:19,074
Don't drop that!
845
01:33:07,290 --> 01:33:08,832
Play ball !
846
01:33:16,841 --> 01:33:19,343
Merry Christmas, Sparky.
847
01:33:20,095 --> 01:33:22,054
Merry Christmas, honey.
848
01:33:23,848 --> 01:33:25,349
Come here.
849
01:33:50,625 --> 01:33:52,293
I did it.
71926
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