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Hey, you eat your food.
4
00:00:33,990 --> 00:00:35,209
-Eat your food.
5
00:00:35,905 --> 00:00:37,124
They get bigger, right?
6
00:00:42,694 --> 00:00:44,044
Hey, Mom, you ready to do this?
7
00:00:44,174 --> 00:00:45,784
Okay.
-All right.
8
00:00:46,655 --> 00:00:48,091
-You ready?
- Yeah.
9
00:00:51,442 --> 00:00:52,530
-I'll-- I'll ge--
-Go, go, and I need you styled
10
00:00:52,661 --> 00:00:54,054
to sleep, right know.
11
00:00:54,184 --> 00:00:56,056
Perfect. I'm going to, uh,
12
00:00:56,186 --> 00:00:58,971
I'm going to get
in the position.
13
00:01:16,511 --> 00:01:18,078
This one's almost closed.
14
00:01:18,861 --> 00:01:20,428
That one still has a bit to go.
15
00:01:23,474 --> 00:01:24,345
Okay.
16
00:01:32,831 --> 00:01:35,660
-Just a little bit of--
- It runs out?
17
00:01:35,791 --> 00:01:38,098
Not pus,
just oozing a little bit.
18
00:01:38,750 --> 00:01:40,752
Kind of tried
to figure out what was...
19
00:01:42,145 --> 00:01:43,755
the best to do to--
20
00:01:43,886 --> 00:01:46,106
At first,
I was removing a lot of pus.
21
00:01:46,976 --> 00:01:48,108
A lot of pus.
22
00:01:49,283 --> 00:01:50,240
And then...
23
00:01:52,808 --> 00:01:55,027
See, it's still
healing in there.
24
00:02:07,214 --> 00:02:09,912
I got lucky.
Didn't feel that way initially,
25
00:02:10,042 --> 00:02:11,914
but I almost think,
this was tough to go through,
26
00:02:12,044 --> 00:02:14,003
very painful,
but for the long run,
27
00:02:14,525 --> 00:02:16,788
permanent damage wise,
you know, I'll be, I'll be back.
28
00:02:16,919 --> 00:02:19,313
I'm going to have
some nasty scars
and some, uh, you know,
29
00:02:19,443 --> 00:02:21,271
bad stories
and bad memories, but...
30
00:02:22,229 --> 00:02:24,144
this will heal and tha--
that's, you know,
31
00:02:24,274 --> 00:02:25,928
that part of it,
I feel fortunate.
32
00:02:26,885 --> 00:02:27,930
I started bodybuilding
33
00:02:28,060 --> 00:02:30,237
when I was about 22 years old.
34
00:02:30,846 --> 00:02:32,282
Started competing naturally
35
00:02:32,413 --> 00:02:34,154
and then decided
I wanted to make a run
36
00:02:34,284 --> 00:02:36,373
at being the best bodybuilder
I could be.
37
00:02:39,942 --> 00:02:42,553
I remember back then how I used
to think about myself.
38
00:02:42,988 --> 00:02:44,468
I thought I was little,
I thought I--
39
00:02:44,599 --> 00:02:46,949
I thought I wasn't ripped.
I thought I sucked.
40
00:02:47,776 --> 00:02:48,603
I looked great.
41
00:02:50,300 --> 00:02:53,347
But back then, just
the self-hate was so intense
42
00:02:53,477 --> 00:02:56,001
that I wouldn't
let myself enjoy it,
43
00:02:56,132 --> 00:02:58,656
I couldn't see it, it wasn't
good enough. I was ashamed.
44
00:02:59,266 --> 00:03:00,571
I wouldn't quit because,
you know,
45
00:03:00,702 --> 00:03:02,182
that's where bigorexia
locked you in it,
46
00:03:02,312 --> 00:03:04,184
it's like you're--
"I got to keep this going,
47
00:03:04,314 --> 00:03:05,794
I got to be-- uh, I don't
want to lose my body."
48
00:03:05,924 --> 00:03:08,362
It took me almost dying to,
49
00:03:08,927 --> 00:03:11,974
to stop and go, "Hey, this is--
this isn't worth it."
50
00:03:12,104 --> 00:03:16,196
Being big is not worth
dying at, you know, 50, 60.
51
00:03:16,326 --> 00:03:19,242
That's why I had to quit,
I mean, "I have to quit
or I'm going to die."
52
00:03:41,917 --> 00:03:44,093
-Jeff. What's going on, man?
Good to see you, man.
-Hey. How is it going?
53
00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:45,834
-Good to see you. All right.
-Come on right in.
54
00:03:48,445 --> 00:03:50,839
How you been,
man? Excellent.
- I'm all right. Busy.
55
00:03:50,969 --> 00:03:52,493
I know. Going back--
- Work.
56
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:54,059
Yep?
57
00:03:55,191 --> 00:03:55,670
-Come on in, man.
- All right.
58
00:03:56,975 --> 00:03:58,368
So, you know,
we saw you last week
59
00:03:58,499 --> 00:04:00,544
for the initial history
and physical exam.
60
00:04:00,675 --> 00:04:02,154
So the good news is
61
00:04:02,285 --> 00:04:04,244
that you have no coronary
artery disease.
62
00:04:04,374 --> 00:04:06,376
So the arterial bed
has no plaque,
63
00:04:06,507 --> 00:04:07,595
there's no disease in there.
64
00:04:07,725 --> 00:04:09,466
That's one aspect.
That's good news.
65
00:04:09,597 --> 00:04:10,815
This is a representation, right?
66
00:04:10,946 --> 00:04:12,208
So this is diseased,
67
00:04:13,644 --> 00:04:15,429
-and this is yours,
you have no plaque.
-Good.
68
00:04:15,559 --> 00:04:17,518
But we did an echocardiogram.
69
00:04:18,214 --> 00:04:20,651
-So you have some heart failure.
-All right.
70
00:04:20,782 --> 00:04:24,089
So I know from-- we'll discuss
how that came about
71
00:04:24,220 --> 00:04:26,091
and where we are
and how do we remedy this.
72
00:04:27,745 --> 00:04:29,399
My name is Dr. Thomas O'Connor.
73
00:04:29,530 --> 00:04:31,401
I'm a board certified internist
74
00:04:31,532 --> 00:04:34,230
and I've been studying
the effects of anabolic steroids
75
00:04:34,361 --> 00:04:36,580
on men for about 15 years now.
76
00:04:37,799 --> 00:04:40,149
Bigorexia it's mainly men--
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00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,804
It's the reverse anorexia,
right, "big-rexia."
78
00:04:42,934 --> 00:04:45,850
These are men that feel poorly
79
00:04:45,981 --> 00:04:48,331
about themselves
and their body image.
80
00:04:48,462 --> 00:04:50,725
They will start lifting weights,
81
00:04:51,203 --> 00:04:53,423
they'll change their whole
behavior and their life,
82
00:04:53,554 --> 00:04:55,599
they orient everything
around the gym.
83
00:04:56,992 --> 00:05:00,125
Body dysmorphic disorder
is a psychiatric disorder
84
00:05:00,256 --> 00:05:04,260
in which individuals have
a pretty massive distortion
85
00:05:04,391 --> 00:05:06,958
around their body image,
often seeing themselves
86
00:05:07,089 --> 00:05:09,091
in a way that's vastly different
87
00:05:09,221 --> 00:05:10,614
than how they objectively look.
88
00:05:10,745 --> 00:05:13,661
They see themselves
as looking too skinny,
89
00:05:13,791 --> 00:05:16,359
too scrawny,
not muscular enough,
90
00:05:16,490 --> 00:05:19,319
and they really fear
losing size.
91
00:05:19,667 --> 00:05:22,626
These are individuals that
might avoid going out in public,
92
00:05:22,757 --> 00:05:24,759
they're not the people that
are taking off their shirts
93
00:05:24,889 --> 00:05:27,718
for fear that people will think
that they look too small.
94
00:05:28,719 --> 00:05:30,199
Bigorexia,
95
00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:32,201
if you look at it academically,
96
00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:33,811
falls under the subset
97
00:05:33,942 --> 00:05:37,511
of an obsessive-compulsive
diagnosis
98
00:05:37,641 --> 00:05:39,339
of body dysmorphia.
99
00:05:39,469 --> 00:05:44,169
Someone is "ill"
because they have compulsions,
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00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:45,867
they're obsessive
and compulsive.
101
00:05:46,389 --> 00:05:49,784
And, you know,
some of this stuff is positive.
102
00:05:49,914 --> 00:05:51,438
And then they cross that line.
103
00:05:51,568 --> 00:05:54,049
They start doing
anabolic steroids.
104
00:05:54,615 --> 00:05:56,356
I think that's the thing
about bigorexia,
105
00:05:56,486 --> 00:06:00,447
is it can lead
to dysfunctional behavior.
106
00:06:00,577 --> 00:06:03,493
People are going to start
doing stuff to gain size
107
00:06:03,624 --> 00:06:04,668
that's not healthy.
108
00:06:06,191 --> 00:06:07,845
A lot of times,
the men that I see are men
109
00:06:07,976 --> 00:06:10,761
who struggle
with self-esteem issues,
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00:06:10,892 --> 00:06:12,415
um, might have other issues,
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00:06:12,546 --> 00:06:15,244
whether it's depression
or anxiety,
112
00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:19,030
and a lot of times feel,
if their body looks perfect,
113
00:06:19,161 --> 00:06:22,338
then somehow that compensates
for something that they feel
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00:06:22,469 --> 00:06:23,992
they lack internally.
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00:06:25,472 --> 00:06:27,822
Is bigorexia a problem
in society today?
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00:06:28,213 --> 00:06:32,174
Uh, definitely.
We're certainly seeing
an increase in prevalence,
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00:06:32,304 --> 00:06:34,176
whereas 25 years ago,
118
00:06:34,306 --> 00:06:36,396
it wasn't as much
as what we see today.
119
00:06:37,962 --> 00:06:40,269
They're willing
to take the risks.
120
00:06:40,661 --> 00:06:43,403
In the end, it's the same,
they're suffering.
121
00:06:55,545 --> 00:06:57,765
- It's okay.
122
00:07:05,947 --> 00:07:07,731
I was raised
in Strongsville, Ohio,
123
00:07:07,862 --> 00:07:10,430
really nice suburb area,
didn't work out.
124
00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:11,822
I was really into music.
125
00:07:11,953 --> 00:07:13,345
That was my passion
for the time.
126
00:07:14,869 --> 00:07:17,524
I found fitness and,
um, I told myself,
127
00:07:17,959 --> 00:07:20,091
"I want to try to put on
some biceps and abs."
128
00:07:26,576 --> 00:07:29,405
I just started going to the gym.
I-- at sometimes, I'd get caught
129
00:07:29,536 --> 00:07:31,015
and I'd go to another gym
and try to sneak in.
130
00:07:31,146 --> 00:07:32,756
And it's just kind
of what I did, snuck into gyms.
131
00:07:32,887 --> 00:07:34,671
I just didn't know
what the hell I was doing.
132
00:07:34,802 --> 00:07:36,717
I just went in there and just
started lifting shit up.
133
00:07:54,865 --> 00:07:56,301
What's up?
-Great.
134
00:07:57,128 --> 00:07:57,955
All right.
135
00:07:59,609 --> 00:08:01,481
Yo, hey.
-Can we picture, uh,
in the backyard?
136
00:08:01,611 --> 00:08:02,438
-Yeah.
137
00:08:02,569 --> 00:08:03,483
All right.
138
00:08:04,962 --> 00:08:06,268
Hey, how's that?
- You see that arm?
139
00:08:08,226 --> 00:08:10,272
-You want to get that toned
a little bit?
- Just a little bit.
140
00:08:10,402 --> 00:08:12,622
Friends of freedom,
I am Dr. Tony Huge,
141
00:08:12,753 --> 00:08:14,189
and we are here
to crush ignorance
142
00:08:14,319 --> 00:08:15,843
and pioneer human evolution.
143
00:08:17,584 --> 00:08:19,760
I've met many of the most
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00:08:19,890 --> 00:08:21,631
massive bodybuilders
around the world
145
00:08:21,762 --> 00:08:23,938
and I have met a number of them
146
00:08:24,068 --> 00:08:27,289
that do not understand
how large they are.
147
00:08:27,855 --> 00:08:29,813
They want to get
as absolute big as possible,
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00:08:29,944 --> 00:08:31,511
they want to be the biggest.
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00:08:31,641 --> 00:08:33,687
To most people,
it would make zero sense
150
00:08:33,817 --> 00:08:36,341
because they're
already seen as the biggest.
151
00:08:36,472 --> 00:08:37,908
Why would they want
to get any bigger?
152
00:08:38,039 --> 00:08:40,607
It's to the point
of almost like a circus freak.
153
00:08:41,695 --> 00:08:43,523
...a little break
for the first...
154
00:08:43,653 --> 00:08:44,915
Looks like it's modern times--
155
00:08:45,046 --> 00:08:46,134
I-- I don't want to--
156
00:08:47,744 --> 00:08:49,093
Yeah, hey, what's the matter?
Yes, he looks good, Justin.
157
00:08:49,833 --> 00:08:51,748
-He looks-- he looks cool--
-I didn't really--
158
00:08:51,879 --> 00:08:53,663
Okay, I'll do it, but I--
I just don't--
159
00:08:53,794 --> 00:08:56,013
I didn't really want
to film anything until I was
160
00:08:56,144 --> 00:08:58,320
all ready to go, but I'll stop
sounding like a bitch and do it.
161
00:08:58,450 --> 00:08:59,843
Yeah, I don't think
this part of the process
162
00:08:59,974 --> 00:09:01,236
can be any different.
163
00:09:01,366 --> 00:09:02,542
He's going down the stairs.
164
00:09:02,672 --> 00:09:03,978
Just like he's small
at any time.
165
00:09:05,588 --> 00:09:06,415
I was a toothpick.
166
00:09:08,069 --> 00:09:11,420
I put on 100 pounds naturally,
from 150 to 250.
167
00:09:11,768 --> 00:09:14,684
It was easy to put on muscle,
then once I, you know,
went the other route,
168
00:09:14,815 --> 00:09:16,425
kept on putting on even more
and more and more,
169
00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:18,296
and I was just like,
"Wow, I'm really blowing up."
170
00:09:19,254 --> 00:09:23,388
I mean, I'm 342 right now,
my heaviest ever was 350.
171
00:09:23,519 --> 00:09:24,999
I feel like I'm addicted
to getting big.
172
00:09:25,129 --> 00:09:26,130
When you want to be the biggest,
173
00:09:26,261 --> 00:09:27,349
you just keep on getting bigger
174
00:09:27,479 --> 00:09:28,393
until you are the biggest,
175
00:09:28,524 --> 00:09:29,569
and even
when you're the biggest,
176
00:09:29,699 --> 00:09:30,874
you still want to get bigger.
177
00:09:32,615 --> 00:09:34,051
I would definitely
say bigorexia.
178
00:09:34,182 --> 00:09:36,488
Because, uh,
just never satisfied.
179
00:09:37,098 --> 00:09:38,752
Simply. Never satisfied.
180
00:09:38,882 --> 00:09:40,580
I wouldn't say
it's a bad addiction.
181
00:09:40,971 --> 00:09:43,800
Um, its life-changing
and it could be a problem,
182
00:09:43,931 --> 00:09:45,280
you know,
if it affects your lifestyle,
183
00:09:45,410 --> 00:09:46,455
but I wouldn't say that.
184
00:09:47,761 --> 00:09:51,025
I don't think bigorexia
is inherently a problem.
185
00:09:51,155 --> 00:09:53,941
It is going to cause the person
who suffers from it
186
00:09:54,071 --> 00:09:56,552
to, uh,
cost some of their health,
187
00:09:56,683 --> 00:09:58,554
uh, some of their happiness,
188
00:09:58,685 --> 00:10:00,861
but if you look
at anyone in any industry
189
00:10:00,991 --> 00:10:02,993
that's really great
at what they do,
190
00:10:03,124 --> 00:10:04,429
they're probably great at it
191
00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:06,170
because they're
a little bit insane.
192
00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:10,305
I think Craig has the worst case
193
00:10:10,435 --> 00:10:12,612
of bigorexia
that I've ever seen.
194
00:10:12,742 --> 00:10:14,831
I mean, I think he's
the world's largest bodybuilder.
195
00:10:14,962 --> 00:10:18,705
He fluctuates
between 330 and 350 pounds.
196
00:10:19,444 --> 00:10:22,186
So, here we have the world's
largest bodybuilder
197
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:25,712
who's still afraid that people
are going to think he's small,
198
00:10:25,842 --> 00:10:28,323
who's still afraid that he's
going to get caught on camera
199
00:10:28,453 --> 00:10:29,716
not looking as biggest,
200
00:10:29,846 --> 00:10:31,500
and who's working every day
201
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:33,284
to try to even get bigger.
202
00:10:40,117 --> 00:10:41,292
What is my typical day like?
203
00:10:41,423 --> 00:10:43,294
I wake up, I eat breakfast,
204
00:10:43,686 --> 00:10:45,470
I relax, eat again,
205
00:10:45,601 --> 00:10:47,342
relax a little bit more,
let my food settle,
206
00:10:47,472 --> 00:10:49,779
go to the gym, eat again.
207
00:10:50,606 --> 00:10:52,347
Come home, eat again,
208
00:10:52,739 --> 00:10:55,219
relax, take a protein shake,
go to sleep.
209
00:10:57,961 --> 00:11:00,442
For me, I'm into the mass
monster look and, you know,
210
00:11:00,572 --> 00:11:01,922
I'm trying to keep it
somewhat alive
211
00:11:02,052 --> 00:11:04,751
to show the world
that the monsters do exist.
212
00:11:11,758 --> 00:11:14,021
Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.
You got this.
213
00:11:15,152 --> 00:11:17,415
Bring down.
- One and a half inches.
214
00:11:17,546 --> 00:11:18,329
Go!
215
00:11:19,374 --> 00:11:20,114
- Hold it.
216
00:11:21,158 --> 00:11:22,159
Good!
217
00:11:27,774 --> 00:11:29,776
-
218
00:11:29,906 --> 00:11:32,648
I give you that one.
-Yeah.
219
00:11:36,217 --> 00:11:38,436
-
220
00:11:38,567 --> 00:11:40,221
- It was pooling
up in your eye a little bit.
221
00:11:40,351 --> 00:11:42,484
Oh, dude, it was, I couldn't
even see out of that eye.
222
00:12:30,314 --> 00:12:32,577
I was always drawn
into sports and, specifically,
223
00:12:32,708 --> 00:12:34,666
lifting an-- and wanting
to be big and strong.
224
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:42,109
Big muscles and strength was
something I was always drawn to.
225
00:12:44,241 --> 00:12:47,201
Those two things were
these two strong desires
226
00:12:47,331 --> 00:12:48,463
that were with me my whole life.
227
00:12:49,856 --> 00:12:50,682
To some point, still,
it's still something that,
228
00:12:51,858 --> 00:12:52,380
you know,
trying to balance is tricky.
229
00:12:55,644 --> 00:12:57,602
What are your feelings
on bigorexia?
230
00:12:58,081 --> 00:13:00,040
I think it's a real thing.
I'm certainly in it.
231
00:13:00,170 --> 00:13:01,824
I-- I would say
that I can totally relate.
232
00:13:02,477 --> 00:13:04,261
I think it's very common.
233
00:13:04,392 --> 00:13:05,436
I think a lot
of the bigger athletes
234
00:13:05,567 --> 00:13:07,264
feel that to some degree.
235
00:13:07,395 --> 00:13:09,832
I know I did myself.
You'd walk into a room,
236
00:13:09,963 --> 00:13:12,139
and there's a bunch
of other athletes in there,
237
00:13:12,269 --> 00:13:14,750
but I could be the biggest one,
and I would know that
in my head,
238
00:13:14,881 --> 00:13:18,493
but I would look at them
and I would always feel like
they were bigger than me,
239
00:13:18,623 --> 00:13:20,451
and I would always feel
insecure, like, back then,
240
00:13:20,582 --> 00:13:22,323
the way I picked out
all of my clothes
241
00:13:22,453 --> 00:13:23,846
was what made me look biggest.
242
00:13:25,848 --> 00:13:27,894
Psychologically, it was
a big struggle for me too,
243
00:13:28,024 --> 00:13:29,678
because I'm still feeling
like I'm supposed to be female,
244
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:32,246
but yet, now I'm putting
more male hormones into my body.
245
00:13:32,376 --> 00:13:34,204
And some of those things
I really struggled with.
246
00:13:36,554 --> 00:13:38,121
Lifting was
more important than my career,
247
00:13:38,252 --> 00:13:39,775
more important
than anything else.
248
00:13:39,906 --> 00:13:41,603
It was just a big part
of who I am,
249
00:13:41,733 --> 00:13:44,258
but now, like,
the need to figure out my gender
250
00:13:44,388 --> 00:13:46,738
and figure out all these things
was kind of surpassing that.
251
00:13:46,869 --> 00:13:47,827
So I was struggling.
252
00:13:49,176 --> 00:13:50,786
Those issues became
this balancing act.
253
00:13:50,917 --> 00:13:52,135
What's most important to me
254
00:13:52,266 --> 00:13:54,355
and what things
am I willing to give up.
255
00:13:54,485 --> 00:13:56,923
If I want to transition
and, you know,
256
00:13:57,053 --> 00:13:59,099
I pretty much have
to walk away my lifting career,
257
00:13:59,229 --> 00:14:02,189
which was something
that was very fulfilling
and something I love doing.
258
00:14:02,319 --> 00:14:03,581
So it's just really complicated.
259
00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:11,111
I'm sorry, am I gross
and sweaty and disgusting...
260
00:14:12,373 --> 00:14:14,157
Listen, Matt Kroc.
261
00:14:14,766 --> 00:14:16,551
You're not a girl,
okay, you're not a girl,
262
00:14:16,681 --> 00:14:19,902
you're gender-fluid.
263
00:14:20,033 --> 00:14:22,470
There's
no such thing as gender-fluid,
you're either a guy or a girl.
264
00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:24,211
Or you have a fetish,
you know what I mean,
265
00:14:24,341 --> 00:14:26,300
it-- you know, that I think
that'd gone too far.
266
00:14:26,430 --> 00:14:30,434
I know transgender is
a whole identity thing.
267
00:14:30,565 --> 00:14:33,350
They're born a man
and they're naturally stronger.
268
00:14:33,481 --> 00:14:35,483
-Yeah, I kind
of agree with that.
-So,
269
00:14:35,613 --> 00:14:37,354
-you know.
-It's a-- it's bit unfair.
270
00:14:37,485 --> 00:14:39,052
At the end of the day, I mean,
271
00:14:39,661 --> 00:14:43,926
my wife is in a restroom
and, you know, transgender,
272
00:14:44,622 --> 00:14:47,190
you know,
man goes in the bathroom,
273
00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:50,759
you know, and, you know,
274
00:14:51,238 --> 00:14:53,805
i-- it's a problem,
you know, it's a problem
275
00:14:53,936 --> 00:14:57,113
because who knows
if he goes in there, you know,
276
00:14:57,244 --> 00:14:59,028
and starts flashing
because he still likes women.
277
00:14:59,724 --> 00:15:02,989
You can't do that. Th-- You can
be a transgendered woman,
278
00:15:03,119 --> 00:15:05,643
but you're not a woman,
you know, I mean,
you're not a genetic woman,
279
00:15:05,774 --> 00:15:08,559
you can't-- you-- you're either
born male or born female.
280
00:15:08,690 --> 00:15:09,734
When people think
about trans women,
281
00:15:09,865 --> 00:15:11,475
they think of someone like me,
282
00:15:11,606 --> 00:15:13,390
that is very masculine,
283
00:15:13,521 --> 00:15:15,392
has all this extra muscle mass.
284
00:15:15,523 --> 00:15:17,481
Well, that's not
the majority of the cases.
285
00:15:17,612 --> 00:15:19,483
Another big problem
in the trans community
286
00:15:19,614 --> 00:15:20,832
is that we're so invisible.
287
00:15:21,659 --> 00:15:23,748
And they do that
because of discrimination,
288
00:15:23,879 --> 00:15:25,098
they do it because of violence.
289
00:15:25,228 --> 00:15:26,882
They just want
to live their lives,
290
00:15:27,013 --> 00:15:28,318
and they want to be left alone.
291
00:15:28,449 --> 00:15:30,059
People just have this idea
292
00:15:30,190 --> 00:15:32,801
that it's simply a man
putting on a dress
293
00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:34,455
and growing their hair out,
putting on makeup.
294
00:15:35,282 --> 00:15:36,979
And so, when people think
of trans people,
295
00:15:37,110 --> 00:15:38,763
the only people they think of,
the only ones they see,
296
00:15:38,894 --> 00:15:40,635
are the people
who don't blend in.
297
00:15:42,158 --> 00:15:45,292
Then there's just
so much misinformation
and disinformation.
298
00:15:45,422 --> 00:15:48,730
You hear all these stories
about trans women smashing
world records and all this
299
00:15:48,860 --> 00:15:50,645
and it's baloney,
it hasn't happened.
300
00:15:50,775 --> 00:15:52,516
Trans women have been able
to compete in the Olympics
301
00:15:52,647 --> 00:15:54,214
since 2004, in Athens.
302
00:15:54,823 --> 00:15:57,521
In that time, there has been
no Olympic records,
303
00:15:57,913 --> 00:16:01,003
no Olympic golds,
no Olympic medals of any kind.
304
00:16:01,134 --> 00:16:04,572
So, if this was a huge advantage
that people think it is
and it was so easy,
305
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:07,270
why aren't all these trans women
coming in and taking over
the sports.
306
00:16:07,401 --> 00:16:08,532
It just hasn't happened.
307
00:16:09,098 --> 00:16:10,708
The reality of the situation is
308
00:16:10,839 --> 00:16:12,362
trans women are not
dominating sports
309
00:16:12,493 --> 00:16:13,537
and they haven't taken over.
310
00:16:26,637 --> 00:16:28,944
As I started getting bigger
and putting on more size,
311
00:16:29,075 --> 00:16:30,815
all of a sudden
I was the cool boy.
312
00:16:30,946 --> 00:16:33,731
I don't know if this makes me
feel good like it used to.
313
00:16:33,862 --> 00:16:36,604
Like, now I feel like
it's not what I want.
314
00:16:36,734 --> 00:16:39,737
So, and I have an appearance
coming up in a another month
or so
315
00:16:39,868 --> 00:16:41,696
that I'm slimming down
specifically for that.
316
00:16:41,826 --> 00:16:44,090
I've dropped, like,
22 pounds so far
317
00:16:44,220 --> 00:16:45,613
and I plan to drop
about another 20.
318
00:16:45,743 --> 00:16:47,832
So the idea is to get there
for this appearance,
319
00:16:47,963 --> 00:16:49,095
see how it makes me feel,
320
00:16:49,225 --> 00:16:50,313
and if I feel good,
321
00:16:50,444 --> 00:16:51,575
I'm going to keep going.
322
00:16:52,054 --> 00:16:54,230
I need at least get
down there and see,
323
00:16:54,361 --> 00:16:57,016
"Would I'd be as happy and feel
as content as I think I would?"
324
00:16:57,146 --> 00:16:59,366
And if not, then I can always
put the weight back on.
325
00:18:22,188 --> 00:18:23,580
How did you discover
bodybuilding?
326
00:19:23,510 --> 00:19:25,251
Do you have concerns
regarding your health?
327
00:20:20,306 --> 00:20:22,046
You know, it's funny, my life,
328
00:20:22,177 --> 00:20:23,787
you got the bodybuilding
trophies,
329
00:20:24,310 --> 00:20:27,008
but I would say,
like, I always won,
330
00:20:27,138 --> 00:20:29,228
you know, first,
first place in sales.
331
00:20:29,358 --> 00:20:31,534
This is the Mr. Ohio,
I always got third.
332
00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:35,495
And then I finally won, I won
one time which is that picture.
333
00:20:36,104 --> 00:20:37,714
I won my weight class.
334
00:20:37,845 --> 00:20:39,194
I guess it's cool I got big,
335
00:20:39,325 --> 00:20:41,109
but I did have raw muscles
336
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,067
and then I'm
just striated everywhere, no.
337
00:20:45,156 --> 00:20:49,073
In the end, I'd won
my first show, finally,
after seven tries.
338
00:20:49,204 --> 00:20:50,988
You know,
I'd qualified to go to nationals
339
00:20:51,119 --> 00:20:52,163
a few times before that,
340
00:20:52,294 --> 00:20:53,252
but I knew I wasn't ready.
341
00:20:53,382 --> 00:20:54,514
I was going to keep going,
342
00:20:54,644 --> 00:20:56,037
keep getting
progressively bigger.
343
00:20:56,167 --> 00:20:57,473
I wanted to be a bodybuilder
344
00:20:57,604 --> 00:20:59,301
and that is really tough
to let go of,
345
00:20:59,432 --> 00:21:02,043
I mean, that's a lot of blood,
sweat, tears and money.
346
00:21:03,131 --> 00:21:04,741
This was a pipe dream
from day one,
347
00:21:04,872 --> 00:21:07,266
but I think
the competitive spirit in me,
348
00:21:07,396 --> 00:21:08,789
like, I enjoyed the challenge,
349
00:21:08,919 --> 00:21:11,226
I enjoyed that
"You don't think I could do it."
350
00:21:11,357 --> 00:21:13,533
I loved that and that was really
why I loved bodybuilding,
351
00:21:13,663 --> 00:21:15,709
as it was so tough.
It was so tough.
352
00:21:15,839 --> 00:21:17,885
It was so going
against the grain.
353
00:21:38,949 --> 00:21:40,995
I would think anyone that
goes and works in their body
354
00:21:41,125 --> 00:21:43,040
on a daily basis
or five days a week,
355
00:21:43,171 --> 00:21:44,520
they're bodybuilders.
356
00:21:46,174 --> 00:21:48,481
Now, step aside and say you're
a bodybuilder professionally,
357
00:21:48,611 --> 00:21:50,134
that's what you do for a career,
358
00:21:50,265 --> 00:21:51,353
then it gets a little extreme.
359
00:21:52,528 --> 00:21:54,138
It's actually quite unhealthy.
360
00:21:54,269 --> 00:21:57,316
There is a large amount
of drugs involved right now.
361
00:21:57,446 --> 00:22:02,495
There is very,
very unhealthy extremes
of dieting and dehydration
362
00:22:02,625 --> 00:22:04,845
that goes into looking
the way that you typically see
363
00:22:04,975 --> 00:22:06,803
in magazines or in these images.
364
00:22:08,065 --> 00:22:10,372
A normal person doesn't want
to look like Big Ramy.
365
00:22:10,503 --> 00:22:12,374
The average guy does not
want to look like that.
366
00:22:12,896 --> 00:22:15,246
Bodybuilders have bigorexia,
that's why they want
to look like that.
367
00:22:15,377 --> 00:22:17,161
They say, "I want to look
like that and get even bigger."
368
00:22:18,728 --> 00:22:20,904
I think guys never have a limit,
369
00:22:21,035 --> 00:22:22,950
and they really
don't have a vision,
370
00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:26,127
they're just
kind of in there doing it
without any kind of goal.
371
00:22:26,257 --> 00:22:28,303
And they say, "Okay,
how far can I push my body?"
372
00:22:28,434 --> 00:22:30,479
And some people
are never satisfied.
That's just a person,
373
00:22:30,610 --> 00:22:32,699
I mean, that's like
the workaholic, right?
374
00:22:32,829 --> 00:22:34,570
I think it's the same thing
with people that train
375
00:22:34,701 --> 00:22:35,919
and people who want
to be bigger,
376
00:22:36,050 --> 00:22:37,051
they think just bigger,
377
00:22:37,181 --> 00:22:38,618
bigger, bigger all the time.
378
00:22:40,141 --> 00:22:42,404
If you're, like,
a really dedicated person
379
00:22:42,535 --> 00:22:45,494
striving towards becoming
a bodybuilder,
380
00:22:45,625 --> 00:22:50,412
you are willing
to sacrifice your health for it,
381
00:22:50,543 --> 00:22:53,502
your-- even mental state
at some point for it.
382
00:22:54,024 --> 00:22:56,026
But it's an emotional
roller coaster.
383
00:22:56,418 --> 00:22:57,985
It's, like, intense.
384
00:22:58,855 --> 00:23:01,771
I mean, you make
a lot of sacrifices,
you know, for the sport.
385
00:23:03,338 --> 00:23:05,819
This is a sport. You want to try
to be the best you'd be at it,
386
00:23:05,949 --> 00:23:08,299
there's a smart way to do it
where you can limit a lot
of these things,
387
00:23:08,430 --> 00:23:10,780
but you can't limit them all
and you are going to pay it.
388
00:23:11,738 --> 00:23:14,001
There's
positives in bodybuilding
that are really great,
389
00:23:14,131 --> 00:23:16,177
like discipline, hard work.
390
00:23:16,307 --> 00:23:20,050
The body building we love
and we watch and we admire,
391
00:23:20,181 --> 00:23:21,791
that's a great way
to kill yourself.
392
00:23:32,236 --> 00:23:35,283
So I got a bad infection
in my glutes,
393
00:23:35,414 --> 00:23:37,416
and this kept getting
worse and worse,
394
00:23:37,546 --> 00:23:38,939
and more painful
and more painful,
395
00:23:39,069 --> 00:23:40,419
and they needed
to operate on me.
396
00:23:42,333 --> 00:23:43,334
But it kept spreading.
397
00:23:43,465 --> 00:23:45,467
And so, they kept going back,
398
00:23:45,598 --> 00:23:46,816
got to take some more.
399
00:23:46,947 --> 00:23:49,036
And then, there were,
like, tunnels they dug.
400
00:23:49,166 --> 00:23:53,301
It just felt like they couldn't
get it under control,
it was spreading.
401
00:23:53,432 --> 00:23:55,999
It was all ruined,
I knew it was going to be
a long road out of there.
402
00:23:56,565 --> 00:23:57,436
It was scary.
403
00:23:59,002 --> 00:24:01,265
The most recent data said
404
00:24:01,396 --> 00:24:04,355
that the world
population incidence
405
00:24:04,486 --> 00:24:05,792
of anabolic steroid use,
406
00:24:05,922 --> 00:24:07,794
one to five percent.
407
00:24:08,272 --> 00:24:12,059
Men come in with heart disease,
kidney disease.
408
00:24:12,189 --> 00:24:15,018
Despite a sober warning,
409
00:24:15,149 --> 00:24:17,630
they continue,
despite understanding
410
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:20,328
that there is going
to be more consequences.
411
00:24:20,459 --> 00:24:23,374
So about 50%,
I would say, of my patients
412
00:24:23,505 --> 00:24:25,594
who have muscle dysmorphia
have used steroids.
413
00:24:26,290 --> 00:24:29,076
Steroids are
a very accessible way
414
00:24:29,206 --> 00:24:30,904
for a lot of men
with muscle dysmorphia
415
00:24:31,034 --> 00:24:33,123
to achieve
what they're looking for.
416
00:24:33,559 --> 00:24:35,865
And, at the same time,
it never works,
417
00:24:35,996 --> 00:24:37,476
like,
it never actually helps them.
418
00:24:37,606 --> 00:24:39,739
If anything, now it's
just raised the bar for them.
419
00:24:39,869 --> 00:24:41,958
There's a whole bevy of research
420
00:24:42,089 --> 00:24:45,484
showing that there are a lot
of adverse medical consequences.
421
00:24:45,614 --> 00:24:47,573
They're guys
that are taking drugs,
422
00:24:48,138 --> 00:24:49,313
hurting themselves.
423
00:24:49,444 --> 00:24:51,228
I see it in their organs,
424
00:24:51,751 --> 00:24:53,492
and, not to mention,
425
00:24:53,622 --> 00:24:56,320
they shut off the whole natural
production of testosterone
426
00:24:56,451 --> 00:24:57,670
and they feel horrible.
427
00:24:57,800 --> 00:24:59,454
So the drugs lead
to more and more,
428
00:24:59,585 --> 00:25:00,847
and they're going
to all think that,
429
00:25:00,977 --> 00:25:02,501
"Next month,
I'm going to come off."
430
00:25:03,066 --> 00:25:05,155
And they don't,
no one comes off anymore.
431
00:25:05,591 --> 00:25:08,594
I love steroids, but I mean,
I've built my career...
around them.
432
00:25:08,724 --> 00:25:10,334
Used the right way,
433
00:25:10,465 --> 00:25:12,119
we've seen great things
happen in sports.
434
00:25:12,249 --> 00:25:13,642
We've seen football players get
435
00:25:13,773 --> 00:25:15,296
bigger and stronger
and faster than ever,
436
00:25:15,426 --> 00:25:17,864
we've seen baseball players
hit far more home runs.
437
00:25:17,994 --> 00:25:20,997
Sports get more exciting because
of performance-enhancing.
438
00:25:21,128 --> 00:25:23,609
I think that there should be
medical supervision.
439
00:25:23,739 --> 00:25:25,872
Realistically,
when done the right way,
440
00:25:26,568 --> 00:25:29,397
most of the hormones
that you'll see as far
as performance-enhancing
441
00:25:29,528 --> 00:25:31,225
are, are safe and effective.
442
00:25:31,355 --> 00:25:35,925
I kind of realized that you have
to go and do the gnarly steroids
443
00:25:36,056 --> 00:25:38,537
and that's when
I started thinking like,
"This isn't what I want to do."
444
00:25:38,667 --> 00:25:41,583
Although it was all new to me,
it's like, "I'm not doing this.
445
00:25:41,714 --> 00:25:43,759
I don't want to take all
this stuff and ruin my body."
446
00:25:43,890 --> 00:25:47,023
I'm pro-st--
I'm not anti-steroid,
but let's be realistic,
447
00:25:47,154 --> 00:25:49,199
when you take steroids, you
not give a shit about health,
448
00:25:49,330 --> 00:25:51,114
you give a shit about
getting fucking jacked.
449
00:25:51,245 --> 00:25:52,420
That's why you take steroids.
450
00:25:52,551 --> 00:25:53,813
Because if you
gave a shit about health,
451
00:25:53,943 --> 00:25:55,031
you would do it naturally.
452
00:25:55,162 --> 00:25:56,380
Nobody wants to do it
naturally either
453
00:25:56,511 --> 00:25:57,381
because they
don't want to fucking
454
00:25:57,512 --> 00:25:58,731
take the time it takes.
455
00:25:58,861 --> 00:26:00,341
It's a different animal
when you're
456
00:26:00,471 --> 00:26:02,082
really jacked
and you're on steroids.
457
00:26:02,212 --> 00:26:04,127
It's,
"Pay me now or pay me later."
458
00:26:04,258 --> 00:26:05,912
You'd pay later, that's all.
459
00:26:06,042 --> 00:26:07,566
We like to go to the circus.
460
00:26:08,392 --> 00:26:10,612
And if you're going
to look at bodybuilding,
461
00:26:10,743 --> 00:26:12,396
natural bodybuilding,
462
00:26:12,527 --> 00:26:16,357
it's not going to get the views
and the clicks and the likes
463
00:26:16,923 --> 00:26:18,968
of looking at this superhuman.
464
00:26:20,579 --> 00:26:22,493
I think there are just
some guys that, you know,
465
00:26:22,624 --> 00:26:23,799
"Hey, you're born for this."
466
00:26:23,930 --> 00:26:25,105
But there are also many,
467
00:26:25,235 --> 00:26:26,715
many in the majority of us
468
00:26:26,846 --> 00:26:29,109
that are chasing a dream,
that they think
469
00:26:29,239 --> 00:26:31,328
they're going to look like
the guy on the Olympia stage
470
00:26:31,459 --> 00:26:32,678
and they're going to be the guy.
471
00:26:34,288 --> 00:26:35,768
No one wants to admit that,
and I didn't want to admit that,
472
00:26:35,898 --> 00:26:37,726
so you take more drugs
and you try more things,
473
00:26:37,857 --> 00:26:39,510
and you-- you think
you can overcome that.
474
00:26:39,641 --> 00:26:40,860
This game is-- a lot of it is,
475
00:26:40,990 --> 00:26:42,513
if you are to be the best,
it's genetics.
476
00:26:42,644 --> 00:26:43,602
I'm sorry.
477
00:26:46,126 --> 00:26:48,694
There's a lot of unhealthy steps
478
00:26:48,824 --> 00:26:51,044
that go into looking that way.
And unfortunately,
479
00:26:51,174 --> 00:26:53,916
it's why we've seen
a lot of very popular
bodybuilders die.
480
00:26:56,876 --> 00:26:59,269
I had a dream, I wanted to be
the best bodybuilder I could be.
481
00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:01,402
You got to do steroids.
The odds--
482
00:27:01,532 --> 00:27:04,100
if you're in bodybuilding,
that's a given.
483
00:27:05,667 --> 00:27:07,451
I would argue you steroids,
at that point,
484
00:27:07,582 --> 00:27:09,932
started off as, "I just want
to be better at the sport,
485
00:27:10,063 --> 00:27:11,542
I want to be competitive."
486
00:27:11,673 --> 00:27:12,935
I think there's a way to do it
487
00:27:13,066 --> 00:27:14,633
whereas you limit the risks,
488
00:27:14,763 --> 00:27:16,286
but as a young guy,
don't forget,
489
00:27:16,417 --> 00:27:17,897
you got to understand
what you're getting into you.
490
00:27:18,027 --> 00:27:19,420
There is a price to pay,
491
00:27:19,550 --> 00:27:21,944
you are going to damage
your body to some degree,
492
00:27:22,075 --> 00:27:23,554
you're going to have
to break the law.
493
00:27:23,990 --> 00:27:25,034
I was okay with that.
494
00:27:36,916 --> 00:27:39,570
Bigorexia really takes
the fun out of bodybuilding.
495
00:27:39,701 --> 00:27:43,749
It was-- and also an inability
to enjoy the hard work
and the results.
496
00:27:43,879 --> 00:27:46,621
The whole time I'm looking at it
like, "This isn't enough.
497
00:27:46,752 --> 00:27:48,710
You're not that good,
you could do better."
498
00:27:48,841 --> 00:27:51,670
So it's really a-- kind
of a depressing thing
499
00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:53,149
that just kind
of ruins all this--
500
00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:54,629
you're doing all
this hard work and it's like,
501
00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:57,371
"Can't you let go
and enjoy it a little bit?"
502
00:27:57,501 --> 00:27:59,025
These men feel terrible.
503
00:27:59,634 --> 00:28:01,462
I-- I have them, I--
they feel terrib--
504
00:28:01,592 --> 00:28:03,159
they break down crying
in front of me.
505
00:28:03,725 --> 00:28:05,684
They feel empty, useless.
506
00:28:05,814 --> 00:28:07,555
You're taking drugs,
you're trying to get
507
00:28:07,686 --> 00:28:08,991
bigger and bigger and bigger,
508
00:28:09,122 --> 00:28:10,993
and you're getting sicker
and sicker and sicker.
509
00:28:11,124 --> 00:28:12,516
That's bigorexia.
510
00:29:02,305 --> 00:29:06,570
So, I've used synthol
and a number of other different
size enhancement products,
511
00:29:06,701 --> 00:29:10,009
products you inject to--
into a specific muscle
to make it larger.
512
00:29:10,139 --> 00:29:12,707
It wasn't
extremely appealing to me
513
00:29:12,838 --> 00:29:15,057
because I wanted to be
larger everywhere.
514
00:29:15,449 --> 00:29:18,234
But once I attained
the size that I wanted
515
00:29:18,365 --> 00:29:19,758
in most of my areas of body,
516
00:29:19,888 --> 00:29:21,803
I figured if there's
some weak points,
517
00:29:21,934 --> 00:29:22,935
like my biceps,
518
00:29:24,110 --> 00:29:24,937
I would use synthol
to bring that up,
519
00:29:25,067 --> 00:29:26,677
to make my body symmetrical.
520
00:29:26,808 --> 00:29:29,289
Nowadays, you know,
you can go onto YouTube
521
00:29:29,419 --> 00:29:30,943
and type in "synthol"
or "synthol man."
522
00:29:31,073 --> 00:29:33,119
You see a lot of these guys
523
00:29:33,249 --> 00:29:36,426
that have taken it
to such disgusting extremes
524
00:29:36,557 --> 00:29:38,385
that they've become disformed.
525
00:29:38,515 --> 00:29:41,344
No sane person would look
at that in a positive way.
526
00:29:41,475 --> 00:29:43,782
I have to think
that some of those guys
that have gone that extreme,
527
00:29:43,912 --> 00:29:44,957
they just have screws loose.
528
00:29:45,087 --> 00:29:47,176
Perhaps they just
want to be known
529
00:29:47,307 --> 00:29:49,788
as the crazy guy with these
ridiculously swollen arms.
530
00:31:29,235 --> 00:31:30,976
Synthol is, I think,
531
00:31:31,106 --> 00:31:33,108
one of the most dangerous things
that people can use.
532
00:31:33,239 --> 00:31:35,241
There was a research paper
that came out,
533
00:31:35,371 --> 00:31:38,157
and they took a bodybuilder
who'd used synthol all over.
534
00:31:38,287 --> 00:31:40,811
And they x-rayed
and they took scans,
535
00:31:40,942 --> 00:31:42,552
and it looked horrible.
536
00:31:42,683 --> 00:31:45,294
It look like death
waiting to happen.
537
00:31:45,425 --> 00:31:48,863
When you saw the internal
damage that it'd caused,
538
00:31:48,994 --> 00:31:51,561
the connective tissue damage,
it was unbelievable.
539
00:31:51,692 --> 00:31:55,043
It can be dangerous and I think,
in some cases, fatal.
540
00:34:13,138 --> 00:34:15,879
Do you realize how dangerous
synthol can be?
541
00:34:31,243 --> 00:34:32,896
There's a bunch of guys
that want to get bigger
542
00:34:33,027 --> 00:34:34,333
simply to move more weight.
543
00:34:34,463 --> 00:34:36,117
And there's guys that
simply want to get bigger
544
00:34:36,248 --> 00:34:37,336
because they want
to look better,
545
00:34:37,466 --> 00:34:38,554
and they want to get chicks.
546
00:34:39,164 --> 00:34:42,732
Anytime I see
somebody using synthol,
547
00:34:42,863 --> 00:34:44,821
all my respect for them
goes out the window.
548
00:34:45,561 --> 00:34:48,260
They're looking to get
the shortcut to get there,
549
00:34:48,390 --> 00:34:50,610
they're looking to get there
in an easy quick way.
550
00:34:50,740 --> 00:34:52,699
If you really tell
people what it takes
551
00:34:52,829 --> 00:34:54,788
to put on solid muscle mass
552
00:34:54,918 --> 00:34:57,007
and maintain that
over a long period of time,
553
00:34:57,138 --> 00:34:58,226
they won't want to do it.
554
00:34:58,357 --> 00:34:59,575
People want quick fixes,
555
00:35:00,098 --> 00:35:01,664
and that stuff is not
necessarily healthy.
556
00:35:01,795 --> 00:35:03,318
So it can-- you can run
into a lot of issues.
557
00:35:24,296 --> 00:35:27,429
I feel like physique competitors
are definitely more appealing
558
00:35:27,560 --> 00:35:30,563
to people outside
of the fitness industry.
559
00:35:30,693 --> 00:35:32,652
If you lined up
a physique competitor,
560
00:35:32,782 --> 00:35:34,915
a classic bodybuilder
and a bodybuilder,
561
00:35:35,045 --> 00:35:37,831
I would say a solid 70%,
at least, would say,
562
00:35:37,961 --> 00:35:39,354
"I would want
to look like the physique guy."
563
00:35:39,485 --> 00:35:41,400
I still see muscle dysmorphia,
564
00:35:41,530 --> 00:35:45,578
although I might not see
the emphasis on being huge.
565
00:35:45,708 --> 00:35:47,406
They're actually smaller now,
566
00:35:47,536 --> 00:35:50,409
the effect now is
right out of Hollywood.
567
00:35:51,018 --> 00:35:54,152
Really lean and mean and ripped,
568
00:35:54,282 --> 00:35:55,631
not big and puffy.
569
00:35:57,459 --> 00:35:58,504
I remember when the movie
Fight Clubcame out.
570
00:35:58,634 --> 00:36:00,506
These were lean, cut guys,
571
00:36:00,636 --> 00:36:03,900
they were not big
and jacked an-- and muscular.
572
00:36:04,292 --> 00:36:06,251
A lot
of the younger people I see,
573
00:36:06,381 --> 00:36:08,209
they want to have the six pack,
574
00:36:08,340 --> 00:36:10,646
they want
to have th-- the definition.
575
00:36:10,777 --> 00:36:13,867
They want to be able to have
a lot of cuts and striations
576
00:36:13,997 --> 00:36:16,043
that really show off
their muscularity.
577
00:36:16,174 --> 00:36:18,741
So I still see
the muscle dysmorphia,
578
00:36:18,872 --> 00:36:20,569
but it takes
on a different form now,
579
00:36:20,700 --> 00:36:23,006
where it's not, "I need to be
the biggest guy in the room."
580
00:36:23,137 --> 00:36:25,705
It might be, "I need to be
the cuttest guy in the room."
581
00:36:52,558 --> 00:36:55,561
Zac, how do you feel about your
placing in the last competition?
582
00:36:57,302 --> 00:36:58,651
I was initially excited as hell
583
00:36:58,781 --> 00:37:00,957
because I was first called out
center stage
584
00:37:01,088 --> 00:37:03,917
and I did not get moved
from being the center stage.
585
00:37:09,662 --> 00:37:11,707
And I was standing up there
with these other guys
586
00:37:11,838 --> 00:37:13,448
and then I convinced
myself I'd won it.
587
00:37:13,579 --> 00:37:16,103
I convinced myself,
"Of course I'm in the top five."
588
00:37:19,846 --> 00:37:22,109
Whoo!
589
00:37:33,163 --> 00:37:33,990
I wasn't.
590
00:37:35,296 --> 00:37:36,341
When they called
the names out for the Top Five,
591
00:37:36,471 --> 00:37:37,472
my name wasn't there.
592
00:37:40,345 --> 00:37:42,390
Sixteen weeks of pushing my body
593
00:37:42,521 --> 00:37:44,653
through some of the worst pain
I've been through,
594
00:37:44,784 --> 00:37:46,046
both physically and mentally,
595
00:37:46,394 --> 00:37:47,656
was over in five minutes.
596
00:37:48,091 --> 00:37:51,138
And to not even
be called out of five,
597
00:37:51,269 --> 00:37:53,619
I mean, I--
What the hell happened?
598
00:37:53,749 --> 00:37:56,099
You have no idea
how much that killed me.
599
00:38:01,061 --> 00:38:02,584
I want to be
on the Olympia stage.
600
00:38:02,715 --> 00:38:05,152
I want to win Mr. Olympia title.
601
00:38:09,156 --> 00:38:11,201
I'm just trying to--
I'm just sort of--
602
00:38:11,506 --> 00:38:13,726
We wanted hi--
- These are the good ones.
603
00:38:13,856 --> 00:38:15,467
Is it, when you say good ones?
604
00:38:17,120 --> 00:38:18,731
I love this, it's at the actor.
605
00:38:19,645 --> 00:38:22,387
-Oh.
- The French bonnet.
606
00:38:22,517 --> 00:38:25,346
I'm telling him he looks
amazing, but it's not enough.
607
00:38:25,477 --> 00:38:27,130
He wants to get
to that next bit,
608
00:38:27,261 --> 00:38:28,393
the next level.
609
00:38:29,002 --> 00:38:30,917
I think it's when
it goes to the extreme,
610
00:38:31,047 --> 00:38:32,266
then it can be
a little bit worrying.
611
00:38:34,703 --> 00:38:36,052
It's heartbreaking sometimes.
612
00:38:36,183 --> 00:38:38,359
He does look stunning,
but in Zac's eyes,
613
00:38:39,012 --> 00:38:41,144
he wants to get
that little bit better.
614
00:38:41,275 --> 00:38:42,494
It's not a bad thing.
615
00:38:42,624 --> 00:38:44,452
It's a good thing for him
to always want more,
616
00:38:44,583 --> 00:38:45,627
to be pushing.
617
00:38:45,758 --> 00:38:47,586
Naturally, I have to add.
618
00:38:47,716 --> 00:38:49,892
How do you feel
about the use of steroids?
619
00:38:50,023 --> 00:38:53,679
I will always put my health
before... my image.
620
00:38:53,809 --> 00:38:56,899
I've had a fair few friends die
from taking it too far.
621
00:38:57,683 --> 00:39:00,860
I personally don't think
I'd ever go to that extreme
622
00:39:00,990 --> 00:39:02,383
where I'm putting
my life at risk.
623
00:39:02,992 --> 00:39:05,212
I could safely say
I wouldn't die for bodybuilding.
624
00:39:05,343 --> 00:39:07,170
Life is so precious,
625
00:39:07,301 --> 00:39:10,913
and I'm very conscious
of the fact that we
only have one life.
626
00:39:11,610 --> 00:39:14,264
And I'm not going
to end it for a trophy.
627
00:39:14,743 --> 00:39:16,528
Always liked the col--
the camera, didn't I?
628
00:39:17,616 --> 00:39:20,880
I discovered fitness through
being just active as a kid.
629
00:39:21,010 --> 00:39:23,361
And the first time
I ever went to a gym,
630
00:39:23,491 --> 00:39:25,145
I mainly just went
on the treadmills.
631
00:39:25,275 --> 00:39:27,626
But it wasn't until after, like,
632
00:39:27,756 --> 00:39:30,063
three years of DJing
and excessive drinking
633
00:39:30,193 --> 00:39:31,369
when I really got into it.
634
00:39:32,413 --> 00:39:34,720
I came back from Gavdos,
which is a Greek island,
635
00:39:35,111 --> 00:39:38,680
really unwell,
liver was kind of messed up
636
00:39:38,811 --> 00:39:39,899
after drinking so much.
637
00:39:41,335 --> 00:39:42,858
My diet didn't really exist,
I barely ate any food.
638
00:39:42,989 --> 00:39:45,383
I was just having fun,
but I did do that
639
00:39:45,513 --> 00:39:48,255
every single day for,
like, yeah.
640
00:39:49,212 --> 00:39:51,650
And after a while,
it takes a toll on your body,
641
00:39:51,780 --> 00:39:53,391
and I started becoming
really ill.
642
00:39:53,521 --> 00:39:54,696
I thought I was going to die.
643
00:39:54,827 --> 00:39:56,176
I'd think,
"Oh, my God, I--
644
00:39:56,306 --> 00:39:57,699
I'm killing myself,
I need to stop this."
645
00:39:57,830 --> 00:40:00,006
And I went home
and just put my shoes on
646
00:40:00,136 --> 00:40:02,661
and went for a run. I didn't
even, like, do anything.
647
00:40:02,791 --> 00:40:04,880
The second I got home
from the doctor's,
I went out for a run.
648
00:40:05,011 --> 00:40:08,841
And that was the start
of this new chapter for me.
649
00:40:15,804 --> 00:40:17,284
I never looked in the mirror,
650
00:40:17,415 --> 00:40:18,938
never looked in the mirror.
I hated it.
651
00:40:19,591 --> 00:40:21,419
I hated looking
at that person I used to be.
652
00:40:21,897 --> 00:40:23,769
I mean,
it's funny how ten years ago,
653
00:40:23,899 --> 00:40:25,640
I was scared of mirrors
basically, and now...
654
00:40:25,771 --> 00:40:27,163
I can't stop looking at them.
655
00:40:56,932 --> 00:40:58,499
Keep pulling it back, come on.
656
00:40:58,630 --> 00:40:59,761
Five more.
657
00:40:59,892 --> 00:41:01,415
-Let's go. One!
-
658
00:41:02,285 --> 00:41:03,330
-Two!
-
659
00:41:04,679 --> 00:41:05,419
-Three...
- The changes
in my physique
660
00:41:05,550 --> 00:41:06,638
from last year are huge.
661
00:41:06,768 --> 00:41:09,249
I'm leaner now
than I was last year.
662
00:41:10,424 --> 00:41:11,947
I'm really excited
about this show.
663
00:41:12,600 --> 00:41:14,210
This is the one
where I turn pro.
664
00:41:14,341 --> 00:41:15,429
I feel like I deserve it.
665
00:41:24,743 --> 00:41:26,005
Okay, just do a bunch.
666
00:41:26,135 --> 00:41:27,049
-Yeah.
-All right.
667
00:41:31,445 --> 00:41:32,533
- Good job.
668
00:41:32,664 --> 00:41:33,969
Can you do one in the air, okay?
669
00:41:34,100 --> 00:41:34,883
Mm-hm.
670
00:41:41,194 --> 00:41:42,456
Get a little further back.
671
00:41:43,544 --> 00:41:45,328
A woodchuck hole...
672
00:41:45,459 --> 00:41:47,679
You saw that.
-
673
00:41:47,809 --> 00:41:50,943
-Oh, I l-- I like that one
a lot. I look really wide.
-Oh, that's clear.
674
00:41:51,683 --> 00:41:53,598
I like to look big in photos.
675
00:41:53,728 --> 00:41:55,643
Like to look massive,
makes me feel better.
676
00:41:55,774 --> 00:41:58,167
You know, I love
to use angles in photos.
677
00:41:58,298 --> 00:41:59,604
I'm very forward with that.
678
00:42:00,692 --> 00:42:02,389
Doesn't everybody
want to look good at photos?
679
00:42:02,824 --> 00:42:04,652
So if you can look huge,
wouldn't you do it?
680
00:42:08,264 --> 00:42:10,745
I believe men have
the social structure
681
00:42:10,876 --> 00:42:12,791
similar to a lot
of species of animals,
682
00:42:12,921 --> 00:42:14,532
where,
when you have an alpha male
683
00:42:14,662 --> 00:42:15,837
or a male that is a threat,
684
00:42:16,359 --> 00:42:17,796
you either submit,
685
00:42:17,926 --> 00:42:19,580
so it doesn't become
a risk to you,
686
00:42:20,059 --> 00:42:22,104
or you challenge the alpha male.
687
00:42:23,453 --> 00:42:25,325
Usually, with more muscle,
688
00:42:25,455 --> 00:42:30,678
the brain sees,
"Big muscles, threat, submit."
689
00:42:30,809 --> 00:42:34,813
I found that muscles
has actually won me
a lot of relationships
690
00:42:34,943 --> 00:42:38,251
because men see that
as a physical power,
691
00:42:38,381 --> 00:42:40,514
they want to create
an alliance with that.
692
00:42:40,645 --> 00:42:43,996
It's because humans are
a very social species,
693
00:42:44,126 --> 00:42:46,172
if we're not social,
we don't survive.
694
00:42:48,130 --> 00:42:49,567
Do I think that I look good?
695
00:42:49,915 --> 00:42:52,570
From time to time.
I don't always like what I see,
696
00:42:52,700 --> 00:42:54,659
sometimes I look at the
mirror, I'm like, "Wow,
I'm looking small."
697
00:42:54,789 --> 00:42:57,749
How important is it for you
to maintain your size?
698
00:42:58,401 --> 00:43:01,535
It's pretty important.
This is what I'm known as.
699
00:43:02,928 --> 00:43:06,061
So I need to keep it.
If I fail, then, what am I?
700
00:43:12,285 --> 00:43:14,766
Craig, what do you think
about using protein powder?
701
00:43:15,244 --> 00:43:16,071
Um...
702
00:43:17,551 --> 00:43:19,379
I use it before bed just because
it's very convenient,
703
00:43:19,509 --> 00:43:21,816
but obviously, real food
is always the best way to go
704
00:43:21,947 --> 00:43:23,775
or drink in your egg whites.
But it's cheap...
705
00:43:23,905 --> 00:43:25,733
Do I feel any differently
about working with Tony
706
00:43:25,864 --> 00:43:28,127
because he's more open
about supplementation than me?
707
00:43:28,257 --> 00:43:30,956
Not at all. My view is,
like, I'm a big believer
708
00:43:31,086 --> 00:43:33,828
that you should wait
to hit your maximum potential
709
00:43:33,959 --> 00:43:35,830
to even touch that stuff.
Like I did.
710
00:43:35,961 --> 00:43:38,093
Do you think coaches
who advocate steroid usage
711
00:43:38,224 --> 00:43:39,094
are a problem?
712
00:43:39,225 --> 00:43:40,966
100% problem.
713
00:43:41,662 --> 00:43:43,446
It's ridiculous. It's unethical.
714
00:43:44,056 --> 00:43:46,275
My opinion?
They should be arrested,
715
00:43:46,798 --> 00:43:50,889
because they're destroying
people's lives openly.
716
00:43:51,759 --> 00:43:54,327
You know what is interesting?
Those gurus,
717
00:43:54,762 --> 00:43:57,199
they do know
how to make a body on stage,
718
00:43:57,765 --> 00:43:59,941
but it's a diseased body.
719
00:44:32,974 --> 00:44:34,933
The hardest part about being me
on a daily basis
720
00:44:35,063 --> 00:44:37,022
is just, like,
being a heavier person.
721
00:44:38,763 --> 00:44:40,416
Tying your shoes can be hard
722
00:44:40,547 --> 00:44:41,722
and just, like,
little things like that.
723
00:44:41,853 --> 00:44:43,332
You know,
you get out of breath easier.
724
00:44:43,463 --> 00:44:45,857
My heart is working
a lot harder than most people.
725
00:44:45,987 --> 00:44:48,381
There's nothing I can do about
it. Once I'm where I'm at,
726
00:44:48,511 --> 00:44:50,731
my mentality of just wanting
to be as huge as possible,
727
00:44:50,862 --> 00:44:53,778
there's nothing you can do.
All you can do is pray,
you're okay and healthy,
728
00:44:53,908 --> 00:44:55,040
and that's about it.
729
00:44:59,653 --> 00:45:01,699
- Craig,
are you even getting huge?
730
00:45:02,308 --> 00:45:03,657
What the fuck are you saying?
731
00:45:06,225 --> 00:45:08,488
I don't think we
would have bigorexia
732
00:45:08,618 --> 00:45:10,229
without social media,
733
00:45:10,359 --> 00:45:11,926
without comparing ourselves
734
00:45:12,057 --> 00:45:14,624
to people that are
impossibly large.
735
00:45:14,755 --> 00:45:17,366
You're always comparing yourself
to an impossible standard
736
00:45:17,497 --> 00:45:19,238
of someone that's
on the other side of the world
737
00:45:19,368 --> 00:45:21,762
who has genetics
completely different than you
738
00:45:21,893 --> 00:45:24,852
and a lot of the photos are
edited or with good lighting.
739
00:45:24,983 --> 00:45:26,375
So now it's,
put in your brain that,
740
00:45:26,506 --> 00:45:27,681
"Oh, you're
no longer the biggest,
741
00:45:27,812 --> 00:45:29,030
you've got a lot further to go."
742
00:45:29,161 --> 00:45:31,163
The issue of body image
743
00:45:31,293 --> 00:45:34,601
has definitely elevated
with social media.
744
00:45:34,732 --> 00:45:35,907
I mean, there's the huge impact
745
00:45:36,037 --> 00:45:39,127
that social media has had
for girls and boys
746
00:45:39,258 --> 00:45:41,042
in terms of how they look
at their body image
747
00:45:41,173 --> 00:45:43,741
because now we can have
a picture taken of us
748
00:45:43,871 --> 00:45:46,395
and we might not
look our greatest.
749
00:45:46,526 --> 00:45:48,658
Now, it can be plastered
all over the internet.
750
00:45:48,789 --> 00:45:50,704
So, there's more of a pressure
for young people
751
00:45:50,835 --> 00:45:52,967
to look good all the time.
752
00:45:53,794 --> 00:45:55,187
Now, when you're
on social media,
753
00:45:55,317 --> 00:45:57,145
you're posting for validation.
754
00:45:57,537 --> 00:45:59,539
And maybe one time
you get validated
755
00:45:59,669 --> 00:46:01,454
with a lot of likes
and next time you don't.
756
00:46:02,150 --> 00:46:05,110
And that makes you think,
"Well, am I fat? Am I small now?
757
00:46:05,240 --> 00:46:06,459
Am I not big enough?
758
00:46:06,589 --> 00:46:07,765
Did I loose size?"
759
00:46:07,895 --> 00:46:08,896
I think in a way,
760
00:46:09,027 --> 00:46:10,985
social media
has changed the game
761
00:46:11,116 --> 00:46:12,508
in both good ways and bad ways.
762
00:46:13,292 --> 00:46:15,207
You can go online,
you can learn almost anything.
763
00:46:15,337 --> 00:46:16,686
You can figure out anything.
764
00:46:16,817 --> 00:46:18,210
You can figure out
how to get in shape,
765
00:46:18,340 --> 00:46:19,472
you can figure out how to eat.
766
00:46:21,387 --> 00:46:23,041
But the other thing is that,
when you look at all
these people, like,
767
00:46:23,171 --> 00:46:24,346
are you less then?
768
00:46:24,477 --> 00:46:25,957
You know,
are you not as good as?
769
00:46:26,087 --> 00:46:28,437
Do you not have the fancy car?
770
00:46:28,568 --> 00:46:30,135
Do you not have the 20 chicks
771
00:46:30,265 --> 00:46:32,137
that you're lifting over
your head like Bradley Martyn?
772
00:46:32,267 --> 00:46:34,356
You know, those are
the things that we look at,
773
00:46:34,487 --> 00:46:35,618
we're like, "Shit, man!"
774
00:46:35,749 --> 00:46:37,011
Like,
every time I look at somebody
775
00:46:37,142 --> 00:46:38,796
like Bradley Martyn's Instagram,
I'm like,
776
00:46:38,926 --> 00:46:41,537
"I'm not that jacked and I'm not
that good-looking. Shit!"
777
00:46:50,503 --> 00:46:53,549
Do you think bigorexia
can be positive for some people?
778
00:46:54,159 --> 00:46:57,597
I think anything that comes
in your life as a negative
779
00:46:57,727 --> 00:46:59,077
can always be used
as a positive.
780
00:46:59,207 --> 00:47:01,122
So I think,
if you have bigorexia,
781
00:47:01,514 --> 00:47:03,559
and it's something
that you're trying to fix,
782
00:47:04,125 --> 00:47:05,953
I think, as long as you're
kind of aware of it,
783
00:47:06,519 --> 00:47:08,042
I think it could be
very helpful.
784
00:47:24,102 --> 00:47:25,930
Throughout the years,
I ate what I wanted.
785
00:47:26,060 --> 00:47:27,366
I'd put on weight and--
786
00:47:27,496 --> 00:47:30,673
man, overweight all the way
through being 27.
787
00:47:31,370 --> 00:47:33,024
I remember
I went to the hospital,
788
00:47:33,720 --> 00:47:35,026
stepped on that scale,
789
00:47:35,635 --> 00:47:37,115
605 pounds.
790
00:47:37,245 --> 00:47:38,943
I ain't think that was possible.
791
00:47:40,161 --> 00:47:41,771
What do you do at 600 pounds?
792
00:47:41,902 --> 00:47:43,773
Like, I felt like it was over.
793
00:47:47,212 --> 00:47:48,953
It was that moment
when I looked in the mirror,
794
00:47:49,475 --> 00:47:50,780
I was just disgusted.
795
00:47:51,433 --> 00:47:53,261
I was fed up with who I was
796
00:47:53,392 --> 00:47:54,610
I took a picture and I was like,
797
00:47:54,741 --> 00:47:56,177
"I'm never going
to be this dude.
798
00:47:56,308 --> 00:47:57,875
I'm never going
to be this dude again."
799
00:47:59,920 --> 00:48:01,400
And I was like,
"Man, I'm just going to walk."
800
00:48:04,098 --> 00:48:05,621
I decided I was going
to walk every meal.
801
00:48:05,752 --> 00:48:07,754
And I did that
for about 90 days.
802
00:48:08,233 --> 00:48:11,758
Before I did that,
I had to throw away
everything in my refrigerator,
803
00:48:11,889 --> 00:48:13,368
everything in, in my cabinets.
804
00:48:13,760 --> 00:48:14,892
There's nothing but junk food.
805
00:48:16,241 --> 00:48:17,285
So I was just going
to walk to get every meal.
806
00:48:18,765 --> 00:48:19,897
And then I would eat,
and as soon as I got hungry...
807
00:48:20,985 --> 00:48:21,899
I would go and walk again.
808
00:48:25,032 --> 00:48:26,599
So I walked. I would get halfway
809
00:48:26,729 --> 00:48:27,992
and I-- I used to have to stop.
810
00:48:29,167 --> 00:48:30,951
Couldn't even walk a mile
without stopping.
811
00:48:31,082 --> 00:48:34,694
And those, like, those moments
really made me go even harder.
812
00:48:35,956 --> 00:48:37,915
I just lost 100 pounds
in 90 days.
813
00:48:38,045 --> 00:48:39,438
And that's when it hit me,
814
00:48:39,568 --> 00:48:40,918
I wouldn't even see
the difference.
815
00:48:41,570 --> 00:48:43,921
Find out after losing
my 100 pounds
816
00:48:44,530 --> 00:48:46,924
I was 53% body fat.
817
00:48:47,054 --> 00:48:48,316
You know, most people would...
818
00:48:49,317 --> 00:48:51,798
take that as, "Yo,
I just lost a hundred pounds.
819
00:48:51,929 --> 00:48:52,842
This ain't working."
820
00:48:53,321 --> 00:48:54,496
For me, it was like,
821
00:48:55,889 --> 00:48:57,195
"All right. Well,
maybe I need to lose 50 more."
822
00:48:57,804 --> 00:48:59,501
If I wasn't happy
with where I was,
823
00:49:00,154 --> 00:49:02,156
I always just put
another number on it.
824
00:49:02,287 --> 00:49:03,897
"Maybe I'll be all right
in 50 pounds."
825
00:49:04,767 --> 00:49:06,552
This, uh, never-ending cycle,
826
00:49:07,379 --> 00:49:08,989
50 here, 50 there...
827
00:49:15,082 --> 00:49:17,171
I'd kept up that same attitude
when I stepped in the gym.
828
00:49:18,042 --> 00:49:18,999
It was hard.
829
00:49:19,739 --> 00:49:20,566
It was hard.
830
00:49:21,132 --> 00:49:22,350
It's how I'd lift weights.
831
00:49:23,743 --> 00:49:25,223
Right before I would quit,
I would just be like,
832
00:49:25,614 --> 00:49:28,139
I literally would talk to myself
while I'm lifting weights.
833
00:49:28,530 --> 00:49:30,489
I would say,
"Stop making fun of me.
834
00:49:31,794 --> 00:49:32,752
I'm tired of you all."
835
00:49:34,145 --> 00:49:36,016
Every struggle, everything
I went through in life,
836
00:49:36,974 --> 00:49:38,323
I used to remind myself.
837
00:49:49,595 --> 00:49:51,292
Yeah. Come on.
838
00:49:54,252 --> 00:49:56,036
Hi, everybody, Possible Pat.
839
00:49:56,167 --> 00:49:58,169
Today's the day,
time to do my marking,
840
00:49:58,299 --> 00:49:59,692
stay tuned for the full surgery.
841
00:50:03,087 --> 00:50:04,436
So, we've gone ahead and marked
842
00:50:04,566 --> 00:50:06,481
the center of Pat's abdomen
843
00:50:06,612 --> 00:50:09,180
and the very lowest incision,
down by the pubic bone.
844
00:50:09,963 --> 00:50:13,140
So now I'm going to give
us our basic markings
for the arms and the back.
845
00:50:13,271 --> 00:50:15,795
What we want to do is
we want to follow
this quadrant...
846
00:50:34,814 --> 00:50:36,076
I remember people always,
847
00:50:36,207 --> 00:50:38,122
"Pat, why you in the mirror?
Look it seated."
848
00:50:38,252 --> 00:50:40,820
And I'm like,
"Dude, I'm not in the mirror
for those reasons.
849
00:50:40,950 --> 00:50:42,474
I've never seen this person."
850
00:50:44,563 --> 00:50:47,044
That is me sculpting
who I was today.
851
00:50:50,351 --> 00:50:54,616
And to be honest, like, I'm
just ain't happy about nothing.
852
00:50:55,748 --> 00:50:56,575
Nothing.
853
00:50:59,360 --> 00:51:00,666
...but seriously though, like...
854
00:51:02,189 --> 00:51:03,843
Sometimes
I'm disgusted with my body.
855
00:51:04,800 --> 00:51:06,454
That's just
the honest truth, like,
856
00:51:06,585 --> 00:51:08,282
no matter
how much weight I lost,
857
00:51:08,413 --> 00:51:10,676
no how much-- no matter
how much muscle I put on...
858
00:51:13,331 --> 00:51:15,681
I just, I see
this person, like...
859
00:51:17,770 --> 00:51:19,250
that I'm disgusted by.
860
00:51:22,296 --> 00:51:23,776
Even when I did my show...
861
00:51:25,169 --> 00:51:27,258
and I was the leanest
I've ever been in my life,
862
00:51:27,780 --> 00:51:28,955
I couldn't see it.
863
00:51:30,913 --> 00:51:33,090
How much the bigorexia played
a part in your transition?
864
00:51:33,220 --> 00:51:34,613
I don't see that as a disorder.
865
00:51:35,875 --> 00:51:38,921
I feel like, you want
to be better so you go get it.
866
00:51:41,054 --> 00:51:45,319
Maybe I think like that
because I'm so far away
from where I started.
867
00:51:48,714 --> 00:51:50,629
Just being content
is the horrible thing.
868
00:51:50,759 --> 00:51:54,111
I think having this disease
or whatever you want to call it,
869
00:51:54,241 --> 00:51:55,373
is it a bad thing?
870
00:51:55,982 --> 00:51:58,289
I want to be better.
I want to be bigger.
871
00:51:58,419 --> 00:51:59,855
I want to be fast.
I want to be stronger.
872
00:52:00,421 --> 00:52:02,771
Uh, maybe it's because
I did come so far,
873
00:52:03,294 --> 00:52:05,165
and I know what being
content can get you.
874
00:52:08,690 --> 00:52:10,083
I think it's negative.
875
00:52:10,214 --> 00:52:11,693
I think bigorexia is negative.
876
00:52:11,824 --> 00:52:13,391
If you're not comfortable
with how you look
877
00:52:13,521 --> 00:52:14,653
in the mirror,
there's a problem.
878
00:52:15,175 --> 00:52:16,437
No one's truly satisfied,
879
00:52:16,568 --> 00:52:18,004
I can tell you, I still look
in the mirror now
880
00:52:18,135 --> 00:52:20,006
and I'm not truly satisfied
with how I look,
881
00:52:20,659 --> 00:52:23,096
but it goes beyond all bigger
arms or this and that,
882
00:52:23,227 --> 00:52:24,576
I don't really-- like I said,
883
00:52:24,706 --> 00:52:25,794
I'm not looking for size,
884
00:52:25,925 --> 00:52:27,231
I'm just looking
for a better balance
885
00:52:27,361 --> 00:52:28,188
and leaner--
886
00:52:28,710 --> 00:52:31,191
you know, leaner muscular look.
887
00:52:31,322 --> 00:52:34,542
I think it can only have
a positive effect
in the long run
888
00:52:35,500 --> 00:52:38,938
if they are able to deal
with what's going on with them
889
00:52:39,068 --> 00:52:41,245
and they can
understand themselves.
890
00:52:41,549 --> 00:52:43,029
I see a lot of people struggling
891
00:52:43,160 --> 00:52:45,162
and a lot of people just focused
892
00:52:45,292 --> 00:52:48,165
too much on the material per se.
893
00:52:48,295 --> 00:52:50,602
They can lose themselves
in the process.
894
00:52:51,820 --> 00:52:55,128
And then later,
they're just going to deal
with even more struggles,
895
00:52:55,476 --> 00:52:57,348
because it doesn't
get any better.
896
00:54:39,798 --> 00:54:41,452
The female bodybuilders
I hang out with,
897
00:54:41,582 --> 00:54:43,236
a lot of them that I'm friends
with them and I love them.
898
00:54:43,367 --> 00:54:45,020
Do I find them attractive?
899
00:54:45,151 --> 00:54:47,371
No, I think
it's a little bit much
900
00:54:47,501 --> 00:54:49,329
because they're t--
it's obvious she's taking
901
00:54:49,460 --> 00:54:51,200
a male hormone in a female body.
902
00:54:51,549 --> 00:54:53,246
I cannot find that attractive.
903
00:54:53,377 --> 00:54:55,292
But again, who am I just
to tell her not to do that?
904
00:54:55,422 --> 00:54:57,424
Maybe for those
female bodybuilders,
905
00:54:57,816 --> 00:54:59,557
they're so internally driven
906
00:54:59,687 --> 00:55:02,255
and they have a perception
of what they want to be
907
00:55:02,734 --> 00:55:05,084
that they don't need
external validation for it.
908
00:55:05,214 --> 00:55:06,999
They might have a goal,
"I want to gain muscle
909
00:55:07,129 --> 00:55:09,480
and it doesn't matter,
and I'm going to focus
on the process
910
00:55:09,610 --> 00:55:11,046
day to day to reach that."
911
00:55:11,438 --> 00:55:14,920
Maybe female bodybuilders
who are on stage,
912
00:55:15,050 --> 00:55:16,661
maybe they're trying
to get attention,
913
00:55:16,791 --> 00:55:19,533
like the guy who's
using synthol, you know.
914
00:55:19,664 --> 00:55:22,101
It's a different mechanism,
but maybe that's a way for them
915
00:55:22,231 --> 00:55:23,581
to be different and stand out.
916
00:55:23,929 --> 00:55:25,365
One of the studies
that had looked
917
00:55:25,496 --> 00:55:27,236
at a sample of women
with bigorexia
918
00:55:27,367 --> 00:55:30,588
found a very high
prevalence of trauma,
919
00:55:30,718 --> 00:55:34,287
of rape or sexual assault
in these women's backgrounds.
920
00:55:34,418 --> 00:55:37,856
And the idea of them
building a very strong body
921
00:55:37,986 --> 00:55:41,338
was a defense to, um,
any kind of assault.
922
00:55:42,382 --> 00:55:45,037
So, women that have bigorexia,
923
00:55:45,559 --> 00:55:47,866
there are women
that are using steroids,
924
00:55:47,996 --> 00:55:50,738
and they're using
performance-enhancing drugs.
925
00:55:51,696 --> 00:55:54,307
They get cosmetic
health consequences,
926
00:55:54,438 --> 00:55:57,310
and they lose their hair,
their face structure changes
927
00:55:57,441 --> 00:55:59,878
and they get ridiculed
by people for that.
928
00:56:00,008 --> 00:56:02,359
They lose their female
body structure
929
00:56:02,489 --> 00:56:04,535
in getting what
will be called, you know,
930
00:56:04,665 --> 00:56:06,232
the early boy body,
931
00:56:06,363 --> 00:56:08,103
you know,
where their hips are lost.
932
00:56:08,234 --> 00:56:10,584
Every woman wants
to stay feminine.
933
00:56:10,715 --> 00:56:12,064
Building muscle for a woman
934
00:56:12,194 --> 00:56:14,414
is not as easy
as it is for a guy.
935
00:56:14,545 --> 00:56:16,677
And then, you know,
women have to reach
936
00:56:16,808 --> 00:56:20,202
to different methods
to get muscle.
937
00:56:20,899 --> 00:56:23,075
But that takes away them
from the femininity
938
00:56:23,205 --> 00:56:25,164
because,
if you take certain things,
939
00:56:25,294 --> 00:56:27,079
your facial structure changes.
940
00:56:27,209 --> 00:56:28,820
The more muscle you build to,
you know,
941
00:56:28,950 --> 00:56:30,735
the harder it is
to come down again,
942
00:56:30,865 --> 00:56:33,172
and it just becomes harder
and harder the bigger you get.
943
00:58:20,497 --> 00:58:22,237
-Do we sign in? All right.
- Yeah.
944
00:58:22,368 --> 00:58:23,500
-Just you?
-Yeah.
945
00:58:27,199 --> 00:58:28,766
When I first was trying
to figure everything out,
946
00:58:28,896 --> 00:58:31,029
I was taking all these
gender identity exams
947
00:58:31,159 --> 00:58:34,206
and I kept scoring exactly
the same way on all of them,
948
00:58:34,336 --> 00:58:36,948
extremely feminine,
but also extremely masculine.
949
00:58:37,078 --> 00:58:39,298
I was like
in the 99% tile on both.
950
00:58:39,951 --> 00:58:41,953
It's not as simple
as male and female,
951
00:58:42,083 --> 00:58:44,564
and it's not like
there's just these two boxes.
952
00:58:44,695 --> 00:58:46,610
For me it's
a lot blurrier than that,
953
00:58:47,306 --> 00:58:50,265
but I definitely always had
the female gender identity.
954
00:58:52,746 --> 00:58:55,749
When I was a small child,
I would just be daydreaming
and picturing myself
955
00:58:55,880 --> 00:58:57,446
as female and I couldn't
understand why,
956
00:58:57,577 --> 00:58:59,274
but that's just
what felt natural.
957
00:58:59,710 --> 00:59:02,930
But being forced to play
a stereotypical masculine role
958
00:59:03,061 --> 00:59:04,497
made me extremely uncomfortable.
959
00:59:07,239 --> 00:59:08,719
But you basically
just reach a point
960
00:59:08,849 --> 00:59:10,634
where you can't lie
to yourself anymore,
961
00:59:10,764 --> 00:59:12,287
and, you know,
and you got to deal with it
962
00:59:12,418 --> 00:59:14,028
or you're just going
to be miserable.
963
00:59:14,159 --> 00:59:15,813
And I understand,
I know what I look like,
964
00:59:15,943 --> 00:59:18,206
and I know I don't fit
into the stereotypical,
965
00:59:18,337 --> 00:59:20,208
you know, female,
but I'm okay with that now.
966
00:59:20,339 --> 00:59:22,384
And you go through, like,
what young teenage girls
go through,
967
00:59:22,515 --> 00:59:24,865
trying to figure out fashion,
and makeup, and hair,
968
00:59:24,996 --> 00:59:26,954
and what works for you,
and your skin colors,
969
00:59:27,085 --> 00:59:28,782
and, you know,
all that kind of stuff.
970
00:59:31,176 --> 00:59:34,092
How do your transition
affect your size?
971
00:59:34,222 --> 00:59:36,790
On one hand, like,
you know, I'm slimming down,
972
00:59:36,921 --> 00:59:38,923
and being able to wear things
I couldn't wear and--
973
00:59:39,532 --> 00:59:41,229
um, and that felt really,
really good.
974
00:59:41,360 --> 00:59:43,580
But then also,
as an athlete, like,
975
00:59:44,015 --> 00:59:46,278
to go from squatting
1,000 pounds and then,
all of a sudden,
976
00:59:46,408 --> 00:59:48,585
you're down to 900,
than 800, than 700,
977
00:59:48,715 --> 00:59:50,195
and then six,
and then I'm, like, going,
978
00:59:50,325 --> 00:59:51,892
"How far is this going to go?"
979
00:59:52,023 --> 00:59:54,503
Like, I was prepared to lose
some strength, for sure,
980
00:59:54,634 --> 00:59:56,810
and definitely plan to lose
a bunch of muscle,
981
00:59:56,941 --> 00:59:58,595
but it was more drastic
than I expected.
982
00:59:59,857 --> 01:00:01,510
And it's funny,
the only time I feel big is,
983
01:00:01,641 --> 01:00:03,077
is when I'm presenting
very feminine.
984
01:00:03,208 --> 01:00:04,513
Then I feel, like, huge,
kind of like,
985
01:00:04,644 --> 01:00:05,645
"Damn, why aren't you smaller?"
986
01:00:07,691 --> 01:00:10,171
In our society, being a big,
muscular person,
987
01:00:10,302 --> 01:00:11,956
you generally
get treated really well.
988
01:00:12,086 --> 01:00:13,958
And it's just-- it's hard to,
like, walk away
989
01:00:14,088 --> 01:00:16,351
from all that,
especially to embrace something
990
01:00:16,482 --> 01:00:18,963
that society does not see
in a positive light.
991
01:00:24,229 --> 01:00:25,926
My senior year was
when I got a reputation
992
01:00:26,057 --> 01:00:27,885
of kind of being, like,
the big strong person.
993
01:00:28,973 --> 01:00:31,410
Then, you know,
when I went into the Marines,
I was typically the,
994
01:00:31,540 --> 01:00:33,542
you know,
strongest guy wherever I went.
995
01:00:33,673 --> 01:00:36,415
Then that became my identity.
So I was always the big,
jacked person.
996
01:00:36,807 --> 01:00:39,505
I would never feel like
I looked very good or very big,
997
01:00:39,636 --> 01:00:42,682
and I never see myself as big
or strong as I actually am.
998
01:00:42,813 --> 01:00:46,033
And when you go someplace
you don't normally go
or you see certain pictures
999
01:00:46,164 --> 01:00:47,644
or maybe you see
some film of yourself,
1000
01:00:47,774 --> 01:00:49,384
and then everyone is following,
you're, like, "Oh, gosh.
1001
01:00:49,515 --> 01:00:51,473
Gosh, I-- I guess I am
a lot bigger than I think."
1002
01:00:52,257 --> 01:00:54,999
But then it doesn't take long
and you're right back
where you were before.
1003
01:00:56,261 --> 01:00:58,655
So I knew I had
a skewed self-perception,
1004
01:00:58,785 --> 01:01:01,745
but I was conscious of it
and I don't think it
ever crossed into, like,
1005
01:01:01,875 --> 01:01:04,399
into an unhealthy way,
I don't think it pushed me to do
1006
01:01:04,530 --> 01:01:06,097
anything I wouldn't
have done otherwise.
1007
01:01:06,227 --> 01:01:08,229
At the same time,
it was part of my motivation.
1008
01:01:08,360 --> 01:01:10,623
How does bigorexia
affect self-image?
1009
01:01:10,754 --> 01:01:12,494
I've asked man about this
that have it.
1010
01:01:12,625 --> 01:01:14,583
It's unsanctionable.
1011
01:01:15,062 --> 01:01:16,760
I wasn't confident, even though
I looked like a model.
1012
01:01:16,890 --> 01:01:20,024
I stopped bodybuilding because
I didn't see me when I was.
1013
01:01:20,154 --> 01:01:22,722
I feel it's people
not seeing who they are.
1014
01:01:23,462 --> 01:01:28,206
They're just not seeing it.
So I feel like it's people not
having validation for themselves
1015
01:01:28,336 --> 01:01:30,817
or from other people
maybe around them that
they need, like, support.
1016
01:01:30,948 --> 01:01:33,994
Person with muscle dysmorphia
never feel satisfied.
1017
01:01:34,125 --> 01:01:37,868
They always feel
the sense of insecurity
1018
01:01:37,998 --> 01:01:39,521
and that they're
never big enough
1019
01:01:39,652 --> 01:01:41,828
which means that there's
never really an endpoint
1020
01:01:41,959 --> 01:01:46,311
that they can even
feel good about their bodies
or celebrate their successes.
1021
01:01:46,441 --> 01:01:48,313
These are not the guys
at Venice Beach
1022
01:01:48,443 --> 01:01:50,924
who are publicly
displaying themselves,
1023
01:01:51,055 --> 01:01:54,188
because there's
this real hesitancy of, "Well,
1024
01:01:54,319 --> 01:01:57,844
what if I'm not as muscular
and somebody sees that,
1025
01:01:57,975 --> 01:02:01,195
and then basically I get
exposed for being just weak
1026
01:02:01,326 --> 01:02:02,762
and being really vulnerable."
1027
01:02:06,940 --> 01:02:09,203
I never took my shirt off, ever.
1028
01:02:09,334 --> 01:02:12,163
I wore bigger shirts,
didn't really show the gains.
1029
01:02:12,859 --> 01:02:15,732
I was fighting the demon,
and what I did was,
1030
01:02:15,862 --> 01:02:18,647
I was like, "I'm just going
to show my physique
that I'm the best."
1031
01:02:18,778 --> 01:02:22,260
I started ripping
my shirt off every video,
1032
01:02:22,390 --> 01:02:23,827
and I said, "I don't care."
1033
01:02:23,957 --> 01:02:26,133
And I wanted to prove
to everyone that I don't care.
1034
01:02:26,264 --> 01:02:28,570
I didn't like how I looked,
1035
01:02:28,701 --> 01:02:30,355
but when I would
go out in public,
1036
01:02:30,485 --> 01:02:33,706
I would receive so many comments
that I could not deny
1037
01:02:34,185 --> 01:02:37,231
that everyone else was seeing
something that I wasn't seeing.
1038
01:02:37,362 --> 01:02:39,712
You hate yourself so much,
you're so disgusting,
1039
01:02:39,843 --> 01:02:41,235
it's so inward focused,
1040
01:02:41,975 --> 01:02:43,455
and then you just--
you can't see it.
1041
01:02:43,585 --> 01:02:45,022
But I, I didn't show it off
1042
01:02:45,152 --> 01:02:46,371
because I didn't think
it was that great.
1043
01:03:12,614 --> 01:03:14,181
I was always an athlete
and just always
1044
01:03:14,312 --> 01:03:16,357
interested in competition,
and I was one of those people
1045
01:03:16,488 --> 01:03:18,577
that's just ultra-competitive,
you know, like, with everything.
1046
01:03:19,491 --> 01:03:21,319
And for me, there's
no bigger high than winning.
1047
01:03:31,720 --> 01:03:33,548
After I broke the all-time
world record at 220,
1048
01:03:33,679 --> 01:03:35,681
I thought, "Oh, I'll go up
and get the one at 242,
1049
01:03:35,812 --> 01:03:39,380
and then 275. I'm just
going to dominate everything."
That was my plan.
1050
01:03:39,511 --> 01:03:41,252
It was weird, like, after I
broke the all-time world record,
1051
01:03:41,382 --> 01:03:42,775
this was a goal
I'd been chasing.
1052
01:03:42,906 --> 01:03:44,821
There was this led down,
it was like,
1053
01:03:44,951 --> 01:03:46,605
"Okay, what do I do now?"
1054
01:03:46,735 --> 01:03:48,607
Then I switched over
to body building,
1055
01:03:48,737 --> 01:03:50,043
decided to do a show,
1056
01:03:50,348 --> 01:03:52,437
and then this guy from one
of the magazines came up
1057
01:03:52,567 --> 01:03:54,831
and asked to interview me.
Then, out of nowhere, he goes,
1058
01:03:54,961 --> 01:03:56,963
"So I heard you're, uh, talking
about getting a pro card.
1059
01:03:57,094 --> 01:03:59,836
That's a pretty big
statement for someone who's
never even competed."
1060
01:03:59,966 --> 01:04:03,100
And right there,
like, my resolve was, "Okay,
I'm getting a pro card."
1061
01:04:04,144 --> 01:04:05,885
Because I'm used
to so much of that growing up,
1062
01:04:06,016 --> 01:04:08,105
you know, being the small,
white, trashy kid
1063
01:04:08,714 --> 01:04:11,412
and always having people
look down on you, and then
all the gender stuff, and so,
1064
01:04:11,543 --> 01:04:14,589
I grew up my whole life
having this big ship
on my shoulder and feeling like
1065
01:04:14,720 --> 01:04:16,156
I always needed to prove myself,
1066
01:04:16,287 --> 01:04:17,941
I always felt
less than everyone else.
1067
01:04:18,071 --> 01:04:20,073
And the only way I could feel
better was to beat them.
1068
01:04:20,204 --> 01:04:23,729
I felt like, if I was better
than them at what they liked,
1069
01:04:23,860 --> 01:04:25,513
then they couldn't
look down at me.
1070
01:04:27,646 --> 01:04:29,909
The best quote I got
on Bigger, Stronger, Faster
1071
01:04:30,301 --> 01:04:34,218
was Christian Boeving, he said,
"All bodybuilders are little
kids in gorilla suits."
1072
01:04:34,740 --> 01:04:37,656
And he said that because
all of us have been hurt,
1073
01:04:37,786 --> 01:04:40,224
all of us have been, you know,
kicked when we're down,
1074
01:04:40,354 --> 01:04:42,879
stepped on, you know,
and treated like shit.
1075
01:04:43,009 --> 01:04:45,969
And basically
we try to battle that
1076
01:04:46,099 --> 01:04:48,406
by getting as big
as we possibly can.
1077
01:04:56,718 --> 01:04:57,545
Memories.
1078
01:04:59,634 --> 01:05:01,201
It's been a long time
since I've been here.
1079
01:05:04,291 --> 01:05:06,380
It's like, I know this school
more than my house.
1080
01:05:06,772 --> 01:05:09,296
I lived, you know, every
corridor, every room...
1081
01:05:09,949 --> 01:05:12,909
and summer vacation,
we would come to the fields
and just play all the time.
1082
01:05:14,562 --> 01:05:16,216
My body when I was younger?
1083
01:05:17,000 --> 01:05:19,524
Super skinny, like,
I was the skinniest kid.
1084
01:05:19,654 --> 01:05:20,917
Super pale.
1085
01:05:21,047 --> 01:05:23,267
I had terrible, terrible gyno
1086
01:05:23,397 --> 01:05:24,703
when I was like 14, 15.
1087
01:05:30,839 --> 01:05:33,059
I-- I can't remember what they
would say pacifi-- specifically.
1088
01:05:33,190 --> 01:05:34,321
I just remember
people laughing at me,
1089
01:05:34,452 --> 01:05:36,193
but that was enough,
that was enough.
1090
01:05:37,324 --> 01:05:40,371
He was getting teased
at school, and, um,
1091
01:05:41,024 --> 01:05:42,808
name-calling,
that kind of thing.
1092
01:05:42,939 --> 01:05:44,810
But it wasn't until really after
1093
01:05:45,463 --> 01:05:47,639
that the full content
of it came out.
1094
01:05:49,771 --> 01:05:52,426
The boys and men
who are bullied or shamed
1095
01:05:52,557 --> 01:05:55,299
are definitely
at higher risk for developing,
1096
01:05:55,429 --> 01:05:58,519
um, these kind of issues,
certainly developing
self-esteem issues.
1097
01:05:58,650 --> 01:06:01,783
But if the shaming
and the bullying is
around their bodies,
1098
01:06:01,914 --> 01:06:04,656
then they are absolutely
at higher risk of developing,
1099
01:06:04,786 --> 01:06:08,529
uh, body image disorder,
an eating disorder,
muscle dysmorphia.
1100
01:06:08,660 --> 01:06:12,577
For boys, it can be either boys
who are shamed or bullied
1101
01:06:12,707 --> 01:06:14,666
for being overweight
or underweight.
1102
01:06:14,796 --> 01:06:16,973
So the boy who is too skinny,
1103
01:06:17,103 --> 01:06:20,411
uh, can be bullied
for not being strong enough.
1104
01:06:20,541 --> 01:06:23,675
He's the last one picked
for the basketball team.
1105
01:06:23,805 --> 01:06:26,634
It can cause
a lot of insecurities.
1106
01:06:27,635 --> 01:06:29,594
What started me
down the weightlifting path
1107
01:06:29,724 --> 01:06:32,292
was that, at 19 years old,
I was jumped at a party
1108
01:06:32,423 --> 01:06:34,120
and I was beat up by six guys.
1109
01:06:34,251 --> 01:06:37,080
And when they couldn't kill me,
they hit me with a beer bottle,
1110
01:06:37,210 --> 01:06:38,995
and it just kind of clicked
in my head that I thought,
1111
01:06:39,125 --> 01:06:41,127
"Well, if I lift weights
and put on muscle,
1112
01:06:41,258 --> 01:06:42,781
people won-- won't pick on me."
1113
01:06:42,911 --> 01:06:45,479
And it was almost
out of necessity to feel safe.
1114
01:06:46,263 --> 01:06:48,134
When you're 6'3", 295,
1115
01:06:48,265 --> 01:06:50,049
no one picks at you
and no one looks at you.
1116
01:06:52,182 --> 01:06:56,316
I would cry a lot. I used to run
home, just crying, thinking,
1117
01:06:56,447 --> 01:06:58,579
"What's wrong with me?
Am I different? Am I a freak?"
1118
01:06:58,710 --> 01:07:01,234
I was questioning so much
and I couldn't understand why,
1119
01:07:01,365 --> 01:07:04,324
as in "Why me?
Why-- wh-- what's wrong?
Why am I so different?"
1120
01:07:09,590 --> 01:07:11,418
I just didn't want
to be a loser anymore.
1121
01:07:11,549 --> 01:07:12,724
I didn't want to be a failure.
1122
01:07:12,854 --> 01:07:14,247
I didn't want to be average,
1123
01:07:14,769 --> 01:07:15,988
I was sick of it.
1124
01:07:34,354 --> 01:07:35,921
If I go
into a gym and it's busy,
1125
01:07:36,052 --> 01:07:37,662
my hood is up, I don't want
to be seen by anybody.
1126
01:07:37,792 --> 01:07:39,055
I don't know what it is,
I just--
1127
01:07:39,185 --> 01:07:41,840
I get very anxious
in certain situations,
1128
01:07:41,970 --> 01:07:44,756
having literal battles
with myself,
1129
01:07:44,886 --> 01:07:46,192
arguments in my own head.
1130
01:07:47,976 --> 01:07:49,804
"How I acted? Am I normal?
Should I do this?
Should I do that?"
1131
01:07:49,935 --> 01:07:52,372
All these morbid thoughts would
go through my head all the time,
1132
01:07:52,503 --> 01:07:53,982
thinking about death a lot.
1133
01:07:55,593 --> 01:07:57,508
Even today, it still affects me.
1134
01:08:11,043 --> 01:08:13,089
Next train at platform two
1135
01:08:13,219 --> 01:08:16,570
is the 2026, Greater Anglia...
1136
01:08:31,368 --> 01:08:33,631
That's a Bronco. Did you eat?
1137
01:08:34,893 --> 01:08:36,764
Need to eat, man. Fucking now.
1138
01:08:43,336 --> 01:08:44,990
I've put everything
aside for this.
1139
01:08:45,338 --> 01:08:46,165
Simple as that.
1140
01:08:46,557 --> 01:08:48,472
I've became a slave to the show,
1141
01:08:48,950 --> 01:08:50,778
just doing
the same thing everyday,
1142
01:08:50,909 --> 01:08:52,128
pushing myself to my limit.
1143
01:08:54,521 --> 01:08:55,783
Uh, it is tasteless.
1144
01:08:56,436 --> 01:08:58,308
Uh, okay, the strength of it...
1145
01:09:01,572 --> 01:09:03,139
All right, 60 grams.
1146
01:09:04,879 --> 01:09:08,361
Mentally, I'm ready. Mentally,
I'm focused. Mentally, I'm like,
1147
01:09:09,057 --> 01:09:09,928
I'm ready to give it all.
1148
01:09:11,669 --> 01:09:13,888
But at the same time,
throughout the day,
1149
01:09:14,019 --> 01:09:15,803
because of how, like,
depleted I am,
1150
01:09:15,934 --> 01:09:17,588
and drained I am, and...
1151
01:09:18,110 --> 01:09:19,503
exhausted I am,
1152
01:09:20,330 --> 01:09:21,679
it can mess
with my mental state too.
1153
01:09:29,165 --> 01:09:30,209
The work's being done.
1154
01:09:31,471 --> 01:09:32,994
Today is my final death day.
1155
01:09:34,039 --> 01:09:35,519
Now I just need
to trust in my coach,
1156
01:09:35,649 --> 01:09:37,303
listen to what he says
and just do it.
1157
01:09:38,261 --> 01:09:40,567
It's all I can do.
Let's fucking go.
1158
01:10:30,182 --> 01:10:32,837
What other body parts
do you want to make bigger?
1159
01:10:42,020 --> 01:10:44,240
Why synthol and not implants?
1160
01:11:12,790 --> 01:11:15,053
If somebody goes and puts
that much synthol in their arms,
1161
01:11:15,183 --> 01:11:16,620
I think it has to be--
1162
01:11:16,750 --> 01:11:18,535
unless they're
completely insane,
1163
01:11:18,665 --> 01:11:22,452
it has to be known
that this doesn't look good.
1164
01:11:22,582 --> 01:11:24,410
And that it's just,
"I want people to look at me."
1165
01:13:43,201 --> 01:13:45,377
What happens is
they use a little bit
1166
01:13:45,508 --> 01:13:48,336
and they get a little bit
of results and they get
compliments on it,
1167
01:13:48,467 --> 01:13:49,773
or they get acceptance,
1168
01:13:49,903 --> 01:13:51,992
and they want more of that.
1169
01:13:52,123 --> 01:13:54,952
And they figure
the more synthol they use,
1170
01:13:55,082 --> 01:13:58,695
the more they enhance
whatever body part they're
getting complimented on,
1171
01:13:58,825 --> 01:14:00,653
the more love that they'll get.
1172
01:14:00,784 --> 01:14:03,874
It crosses a certain point
where it actually goes
the other way,
1173
01:14:04,004 --> 01:14:05,484
where they start
to look ridiculous
1174
01:14:05,615 --> 01:14:07,965
and they still
are chasing more love
1175
01:14:08,095 --> 01:14:09,445
and in-- and injecting more.
1176
01:14:11,577 --> 01:14:14,798
Who the fuck is anybody
to say anything
1177
01:14:14,928 --> 01:14:16,756
about what somebody wants
to look like?
1178
01:14:18,366 --> 01:14:20,934
If some guy wants
to fucking shoot synthol,
1179
01:14:21,065 --> 01:14:23,937
I think it's dangerous,
it's not bodybuilding.
1180
01:14:24,372 --> 01:14:26,462
If this guy's happy doing that,
1181
01:14:26,592 --> 01:14:30,248
it's not fair for me to say
he shouldn't be doing it.
1182
01:14:42,173 --> 01:14:44,523
Do you like the attention
you get on social media?
1183
01:15:42,059 --> 01:15:43,539
I masturbated to attention.
1184
01:15:45,105 --> 01:15:47,238
I loved it, you know,
it got me hard
1185
01:15:47,368 --> 01:15:49,632
and guys would mush
their girlfriend,
1186
01:15:49,762 --> 01:15:51,285
the girlfriends so hot and shit,
1187
01:15:51,416 --> 01:15:52,939
you know, and every guy's
looking at the girl.
1188
01:15:53,070 --> 01:15:54,898
And meanwhile,
her boyfriend, staring at me
1189
01:15:55,028 --> 01:15:57,770
like a fucking, you know,
and he mushed his girlfriend
to the side
1190
01:15:57,901 --> 01:16:00,338
just to come up to me, "Dude,
what are you taking, bro?"
1191
01:16:01,165 --> 01:16:02,340
Chris Bell said to me,
1192
01:16:02,732 --> 01:16:04,211
"But that's attention
from guys."
1193
01:16:04,342 --> 01:16:06,257
I said, "You don't understand.
No, it's not.
1194
01:16:06,387 --> 01:16:08,825
It's attention from everybody
because even the girl,
1195
01:16:08,955 --> 01:16:11,784
her man is fucking kissing
my fucking ass."
1196
01:16:13,525 --> 01:16:15,527
And that bigorexia shit
kicks in,
1197
01:16:15,658 --> 01:16:18,399
and you're loving it because
the attention goes with it,
1198
01:16:18,530 --> 01:16:19,966
that feeds the bigorexia.
1199
01:16:21,794 --> 01:16:23,230
I definitely think that
1200
01:16:23,361 --> 01:16:25,493
there's a large percentage
of people that compete
1201
01:16:25,624 --> 01:16:28,845
that are definitely--
they're addicted to some
level of attention,
1202
01:16:28,975 --> 01:16:31,238
whether it be from insecurities
and it's making them feel better
1203
01:16:31,369 --> 01:16:33,153
or just a desire to be
in the spotlight.
1204
01:16:33,850 --> 01:16:35,852
So there's a certain level
of the desire to be needed,
1205
01:16:35,982 --> 01:16:37,593
for people to love you
or want you
1206
01:16:37,723 --> 01:16:39,551
or to be in that spotlight,
for sure.
1207
01:16:39,682 --> 01:16:42,598
That's bigorexia. That means
you got this condition
1208
01:16:42,728 --> 01:16:44,948
where you got to fucking
be bigger than everybody else,
1209
01:16:45,078 --> 01:16:47,777
you got-- you want
that attention, you got
to have an ego for that.
1210
01:16:47,907 --> 01:16:50,867
It's all ego-driven, it's all
this need to be fucking--
1211
01:16:50,997 --> 01:16:52,782
the biggest guy
in the classroom.
1212
01:16:52,912 --> 01:16:55,132
That's a greatest compliment
you can tell a bodybuilder,
1213
01:16:55,262 --> 01:16:56,350
"Dude, you look
a little more jacked."
1214
01:16:56,481 --> 01:16:57,830
You know, that stokes your ego
1215
01:16:57,961 --> 01:16:58,918
and shit, you know.
1216
01:16:59,049 --> 01:17:00,354
It gives you big erection
1217
01:17:00,485 --> 01:17:01,442
instead of bigorexia.
1218
01:17:08,972 --> 01:17:10,974
You know, normal has been tough,
1219
01:17:11,409 --> 01:17:13,585
the thought of handle
so normal now is, uh,
1220
01:17:14,281 --> 01:17:15,456
more maddening and, you know,
1221
01:17:15,587 --> 01:17:16,893
-and that's--
-You work so hard.
1222
01:17:17,023 --> 01:17:18,895
I s-- I know sometimes
you would leave here
1223
01:17:19,025 --> 01:17:20,157
at six o'clock at night
1224
01:17:21,462 --> 01:17:23,769
go to the gym after work,
and work all day,
1225
01:17:24,248 --> 01:17:26,076
and come here,
and go to meetings.
1226
01:17:26,206 --> 01:17:28,469
I mean, you work so hard,
1227
01:17:28,600 --> 01:17:30,646
and you're so not happy.
1228
01:17:33,387 --> 01:17:35,041
There was a girl
that lived behind me
1229
01:17:35,172 --> 01:17:37,653
who was maybe three,
four years older than me.
1230
01:17:37,783 --> 01:17:42,005
She eventually, uh,
got me to start doing
sexual things with her.
1231
01:17:42,135 --> 01:17:45,138
I had no idea what I was doing,
I was a ki-- I was eight
years old,
1232
01:17:45,269 --> 01:17:47,663
I was in second grade.
This went on for about a year,
1233
01:17:47,793 --> 01:17:49,882
non-stop as much as I could
do it because I loved it.
1234
01:17:50,230 --> 01:17:51,667
And eventually
I loved it so much,
1235
01:17:51,797 --> 01:17:53,364
I told some
of the neighborhood kids,
1236
01:17:53,494 --> 01:17:54,931
and what happened is
they told somebody
1237
01:17:55,061 --> 01:17:56,715
and Child Services got involved.
1238
01:17:59,022 --> 01:18:00,806
I think the neighbors
blame the boy,
1239
01:18:01,415 --> 01:18:03,548
and at that point
my life changed,
1240
01:18:03,679 --> 01:18:05,985
my whole world went to fear.
1241
01:18:06,116 --> 01:18:09,641
That uncomfortable feeling
can manifest itself
in a lot of different ways.
1242
01:18:11,121 --> 01:18:13,732
I started to drink
at about 15 years old
1243
01:18:13,863 --> 01:18:17,562
and I love to drink and party,
and that...
took off real strong.
1244
01:18:19,433 --> 01:18:21,044
I started to not like my body,
1245
01:18:21,174 --> 01:18:24,090
I hated my body. I hate it.
Didn't yet want to be big.
1246
01:18:26,440 --> 01:18:28,747
So I was very lucky, I got
into treatment pretty quick
1247
01:18:28,878 --> 01:18:31,707
and got help pretty quickly,
and then it became a battle,
1248
01:18:31,837 --> 01:18:35,362
you know, and that's where--
you know, bodybuilding was
a big part of helping me
1249
01:18:35,493 --> 01:18:37,930
stay sober in the beginning,
it was a great relief.
1250
01:18:38,714 --> 01:18:41,107
It worked tremendously,
but the problem is,
1251
01:18:41,238 --> 01:18:42,848
that there's
that pendulum where,
1252
01:18:42,979 --> 01:18:45,155
you know, "Okay,
this is healthy, and now--"
1253
01:18:46,069 --> 01:18:48,898
You know, and we start to pay
some serious prices later on.
1254
01:18:51,509 --> 01:18:54,251
So the danger of not
treating muscle dysmorphia
1255
01:18:54,381 --> 01:18:56,340
is some of the men
that I've worked with
1256
01:18:56,470 --> 01:18:59,169
really put themselves at--
at real injury
1257
01:18:59,299 --> 01:19:00,736
because of overtraining,
1258
01:19:00,866 --> 01:19:03,608
um, have really lost
the ability to work out.
1259
01:19:03,739 --> 01:19:06,263
So this is something that's
been so important to them,
1260
01:19:06,393 --> 01:19:09,179
and yet that obsession has
led them to be in a position
1261
01:19:09,309 --> 01:19:11,181
where they can
no longer work out.
1262
01:19:12,095 --> 01:19:15,272
Extreme body dysmorphia
is right out of the poster.
1263
01:19:15,402 --> 01:19:16,882
It's a big monster,
1264
01:19:17,361 --> 01:19:19,276
he's having heart disease,
kidney disease,
1265
01:19:19,406 --> 01:19:21,278
he's isolated his whole life.
1266
01:19:21,408 --> 01:19:23,454
He's having
repeat surgeries for--
1267
01:19:23,584 --> 01:19:27,632
from acne boils in the hospital
to gynecomastia.
1268
01:19:27,763 --> 01:19:30,548
He is financially
not doing well.
1269
01:19:31,201 --> 01:19:33,464
Not to mention
the psychological effects.
1270
01:19:33,594 --> 01:19:35,945
Uh, psychosis, roid rage,
1271
01:19:36,075 --> 01:19:39,078
manic behavior that has
solely been attributed.
1272
01:19:39,209 --> 01:19:41,733
These are men that I work with
that don't have a history
1273
01:19:41,864 --> 01:19:44,040
of bipolar disorder
or psychosis.
1274
01:19:44,344 --> 01:19:46,694
So, from a medical perspective,
there's risk,
1275
01:19:46,825 --> 01:19:49,088
but from a psychological
perspective, there's risk.
1276
01:19:49,219 --> 01:19:51,090
When you have
an individual that doesn't
1277
01:19:51,221 --> 01:19:53,353
and can't feel
that he can leave his house
1278
01:19:53,484 --> 01:19:55,442
for fear of how
he's going to be seen,
1279
01:19:55,573 --> 01:19:58,315
um, men I've worked with
who get fired from their jobs
1280
01:19:58,445 --> 01:20:00,186
because they cannot
leave the gym
1281
01:20:00,317 --> 01:20:02,449
for fear that they're going
to get smaller.
1282
01:20:02,580 --> 01:20:05,452
So I might work with men
who are suicidal
1283
01:20:05,583 --> 01:20:07,367
because they had an injury
1284
01:20:07,498 --> 01:20:10,109
and because of that injury,
they cannot work out anymore
1285
01:20:10,240 --> 01:20:12,808
and they literally feel
like their lives are not
worth living.
1286
01:20:14,200 --> 01:20:16,289
You know, an--
and they're kept out of sight
1287
01:20:16,681 --> 01:20:18,770
until someone like Rich
drops dead.
1288
01:20:26,517 --> 01:20:30,608
The blood flow that
these bodybuilders got going on,
1289
01:20:30,738 --> 01:20:32,958
the heart is pumping
like a motherfucker
1290
01:20:33,089 --> 01:20:36,701
to sustain
that kind of body weight
and that amount of muscle.
1291
01:20:37,267 --> 01:20:39,530
Rich Piana knew that,
that's why he was talking about
1292
01:20:39,660 --> 01:20:41,184
bringing
his fucking weight down.
1293
01:20:41,314 --> 01:20:42,402
He didn't get a chance to do it.
1294
01:20:43,926 --> 01:20:46,058
So you put yourself at risk
when you get that jacked.
1295
01:21:02,205 --> 01:21:03,554
You're going to pay the price.
1296
01:21:03,684 --> 01:21:04,860
You don't recover
from that shit.
1297
01:21:04,990 --> 01:21:06,383
And there ain't no insurances.
1298
01:21:06,513 --> 01:21:08,037
There's no fucking benefits.
1299
01:21:09,429 --> 01:21:11,605
But you know what?
"I'd rather be big.
1300
01:21:11,736 --> 01:21:13,738
I don't give a shit.
I'll die huge."
1301
01:21:15,348 --> 01:21:17,481
I guarantee, if you dug up
Rich Piana and said,
1302
01:21:17,611 --> 01:21:18,830
"Would you like
to still be alive?
1303
01:21:19,309 --> 01:21:21,093
You got to sacrifice that shit."
He would.
1304
01:21:24,792 --> 01:21:27,447
So, is there an actual
treatment for bigorexia?
1305
01:21:27,970 --> 01:21:32,148
Bigorexia can be treated.
It's a psychiatric treatment
1306
01:21:32,278 --> 01:21:35,238
with medicines and cognitive
behavioral therapy.
1307
01:21:35,368 --> 01:21:36,717
It's talk therapy,
1308
01:21:37,283 --> 01:21:40,112
interpersonal therapy,
and it's real medicines,
1309
01:21:40,243 --> 01:21:42,985
like SSRIs, like Prozac.
1310
01:21:43,507 --> 01:21:45,683
So a general treatment model
for muscle dysmorphia
1311
01:21:45,813 --> 01:21:48,381
would first start
by me assessing
1312
01:21:48,512 --> 01:21:51,558
what it is that the person
is really motivated to do.
1313
01:21:55,345 --> 01:21:57,913
Are they motivated
to cut their workouts down?
1314
01:21:58,043 --> 01:22:00,654
Are they ready to give up
the use of steroids?
1315
01:22:00,785 --> 01:22:04,006
Do they have an eating disorder
that we have to deal with?
1316
01:22:04,136 --> 01:22:05,921
The two main things
that have been looked at
1317
01:22:06,051 --> 01:22:08,532
is cognitive behavioral therapy,
1318
01:22:08,662 --> 01:22:11,230
as well as, uh,
antidepressant drugs.
1319
01:22:11,622 --> 01:22:14,407
When you use antidepressant
drugs, they help a little bit,
1320
01:22:14,538 --> 01:22:16,670
but I don't think they address
the root of the problem,
1321
01:22:16,801 --> 01:22:18,759
and cognitive
behavioral therapy does,
1322
01:22:18,890 --> 01:22:20,936
and that's actually
changing your mindset.
1323
01:22:21,066 --> 01:22:24,069
You need to change
the perception of how you look.
1324
01:22:25,114 --> 01:22:27,594
I often will target
the behaviors first.
1325
01:22:27,725 --> 01:22:29,770
What are the behaviors
that are getting in the way?
1326
01:22:29,901 --> 01:22:31,337
So, if you're not
leaving your house,
1327
01:22:31,468 --> 01:22:32,773
we have to work on ways
1328
01:22:32,904 --> 01:22:34,253
of getting you out
of your house.
1329
01:22:34,384 --> 01:22:36,821
If you are
working out six hours,
1330
01:22:36,952 --> 01:22:38,257
we need to cut that down.
1331
01:22:40,085 --> 01:22:42,348
What that means
is this individual is going
to get quite anxious,
1332
01:22:42,479 --> 01:22:45,264
and part of the treatment
is helping these men
1333
01:22:45,395 --> 01:22:48,572
tolerate that anxiety
and tolerate that uncertainty.
1334
01:22:50,182 --> 01:22:52,619
What's also the biggest fear
for a lot of these men
1335
01:22:52,750 --> 01:22:55,579
is that the treatment
is going to be that they
never work out again,
1336
01:22:56,493 --> 01:23:00,192
that the treatment is that
their bodies are just
going to go down
1337
01:23:00,323 --> 01:23:03,761
and whittle away to, you know,
scrawny, skinny self.
1338
01:23:03,891 --> 01:23:05,937
The goal isn't
that you can never work out,
1339
01:23:06,068 --> 01:23:07,678
the goal is to regulate that
1340
01:23:07,808 --> 01:23:09,636
and have it be balanced.
1341
01:23:09,767 --> 01:23:12,683
But it's all in balance
and too much of a good thing
1342
01:23:12,813 --> 01:23:14,032
is still too much.
1343
01:23:16,643 --> 01:23:19,211
Starting to get huge, man.
That's all I know, man.
1344
01:23:19,342 --> 01:23:21,605
You know,
I don't know about you.
Is that what you know?
1345
01:23:21,997 --> 01:23:23,781
-That's why we're going
to the buffet.
-Yeah.
1346
01:23:24,173 --> 01:23:26,262
I've been looking skinny,
so I told Tony,
1347
01:23:27,132 --> 01:23:28,133
"Bro, we got to grow."
1348
01:23:32,050 --> 01:23:35,532
All right, let me get,
um, egg whites, spinach.
1349
01:23:36,489 --> 01:23:38,578
And, uh, you know what?
I'm trying to get huge.
1350
01:23:38,709 --> 01:23:42,017
Let's get, um, mushrooms,
onions, jalapenos,
1351
01:23:42,147 --> 01:23:44,236
cheddar cheese, and bacon.
1352
01:23:45,846 --> 01:23:48,632
I see people talking
about me when I walk by or,
1353
01:23:48,762 --> 01:23:50,764
you know, depend on how I'm
looking on what I'm wearing
1354
01:23:50,895 --> 01:23:52,027
or if it's after the gym.
1355
01:23:52,157 --> 01:23:53,028
That doesn't bother me.
I love it.
1356
01:23:54,594 --> 01:23:56,422
And even when people talk shit,
I take it as a compliment.
1357
01:23:56,814 --> 01:23:57,945
Honestly, the way I see it,
1358
01:23:58,424 --> 01:23:59,643
they're kind
of complimenting me, man.
1359
01:23:59,773 --> 01:24:01,732
You're saying
I look so fucking big.
1360
01:24:01,862 --> 01:24:04,343
I'm so fucking huge which I want
to be that I'm going to die.
1361
01:24:04,952 --> 01:24:07,912
It's a kind of complimenting me
in a weird, weird freaky sense.
1362
01:24:08,739 --> 01:24:10,871
My thoughts on a guy
like Craig Golias,
1363
01:24:11,350 --> 01:24:13,135
it's body modification,
he loves it.
1364
01:24:13,265 --> 01:24:14,875
You can see that he loves it.
1365
01:24:15,311 --> 01:24:17,835
So he put a lot
of work into that,
1366
01:24:17,965 --> 01:24:18,923
to say the least.
1367
01:24:19,619 --> 01:24:21,491
But if he's happy like that,
1368
01:24:22,753 --> 01:24:24,842
then I think it's fine.
Does he have bigorexia?
1369
01:24:24,972 --> 01:24:27,366
Fucking yeah, he's got
bigorexia, he eats that shit up.
1370
01:24:27,497 --> 01:24:29,064
If you drew him
on a desert island
1371
01:24:29,194 --> 01:24:30,761
and he lost all that muscle,
1372
01:24:30,891 --> 01:24:32,284
he would probably fucking,
1373
01:24:32,415 --> 01:24:33,807
you know,
kill himself or something.
1374
01:24:58,528 --> 01:25:00,747
A lot of these men
will create an identity
1375
01:25:00,878 --> 01:25:02,009
around building muscle,
1376
01:25:02,140 --> 01:25:03,272
kind of like I have.
1377
01:25:04,403 --> 01:25:07,406
How far becomes too far,
1378
01:25:07,537 --> 01:25:10,235
where you're just never
going to be satisfied with it?
1379
01:25:10,366 --> 01:25:13,108
On the other hand,
if you become satisfied
1380
01:25:13,238 --> 01:25:17,155
and you become comfortable
with the appearance
that you've created,
1381
01:25:17,286 --> 01:25:20,158
then you lose the motivation
to keep working towards it.
1382
01:25:21,899 --> 01:25:23,118
That was light as fuck.
1383
01:25:24,684 --> 01:25:26,556
And once you attain that goal,
it becomes very depressing
1384
01:25:26,686 --> 01:25:28,427
because then, what else
are you working towards?
1385
01:25:29,254 --> 01:25:31,300
You've created your identity
towards working
1386
01:25:31,430 --> 01:25:33,040
towards this vision of yourself.
1387
01:25:44,922 --> 01:25:45,923
It's so crazy.
1388
01:25:47,490 --> 01:25:49,013
It's amazing that people will
go up like it isn't high.
1389
01:25:52,712 --> 01:25:53,670
Yeah, for sure.
1390
01:25:54,801 --> 01:25:55,106
Yeah,
because if not for your hands--
1391
01:25:56,020 --> 01:25:56,238
You can keep you...
1392
01:25:59,241 --> 01:26:02,461
My presentation still varies
from day to day.
1393
01:26:03,027 --> 01:26:07,162
I wouldn't say that I present
exclusively masculine anymore.
1394
01:26:07,858 --> 01:26:09,773
I might not be wearing
a wig or makeup,
1395
01:26:09,903 --> 01:26:12,079
but my nails are always painted,
I always carry a purse,
1396
01:26:12,210 --> 01:26:14,821
99% of my clothing is female.
1397
01:26:14,952 --> 01:26:17,041
That's what feels comfortable
for me on some days.
1398
01:26:22,873 --> 01:26:26,181
At this point of my life,
I just don't care,
I don't care what people think.
1399
01:26:26,311 --> 01:26:28,226
I held myself
back for way too long,
1400
01:26:28,357 --> 01:26:30,359
So I just do what feels good
and feels natural.
1401
01:26:31,098 --> 01:26:33,275
If I could snap my fingers
and be in a--
1402
01:26:33,405 --> 01:26:35,451
in a completely female body,
I would do it in a second.
1403
01:26:45,330 --> 01:26:48,028
-
Which of trails are open?
1404
01:26:48,159 --> 01:26:49,595
Let's just make them all.
1405
01:26:53,991 --> 01:26:55,862
The biggest thing that kept me
from coming out sooner
1406
01:26:55,993 --> 01:26:58,822
was my three sons, even though
they knew everything.
1407
01:26:58,952 --> 01:27:00,650
They just grew up knowing that
1408
01:27:00,780 --> 01:27:03,218
that's who I am and they
don't think anything of it.
1409
01:27:05,132 --> 01:27:07,222
So we have
a really close relationship,
1410
01:27:07,352 --> 01:27:10,094
and they're very supportive
and they couldn't be
more awesome.
1411
01:27:18,320 --> 01:27:20,409
When I got outed
a few years ago,
1412
01:27:20,539 --> 01:27:22,280
a lot of things I kind
of worried about did happen.
1413
01:27:22,411 --> 01:27:24,369
I lost my sponsorships
and, I'd say,
1414
01:27:24,500 --> 01:27:26,893
at least 50% of the fan base
basically turned on me.
1415
01:27:27,024 --> 01:27:29,113
And-- but the silver lining
to that cloud was
1416
01:27:29,244 --> 01:27:32,595
that then I was able
to be open and honest
and talk about everything and--
1417
01:27:32,725 --> 01:27:34,597
I think I've been able
to educate a lot of people
1418
01:27:34,727 --> 01:27:37,339
and hopefully I'll be able to,
you know, keep continuing
to do that.
1419
01:27:37,469 --> 01:27:39,166
That I think visibility
is really important,
1420
01:27:39,297 --> 01:27:41,256
I think being open and honest
is really important.
1421
01:27:46,261 --> 01:27:48,785
Growing up and feeling so alone,
I felt like I was broken,
1422
01:27:48,915 --> 01:27:52,484
I felt unlovable and, um,
it was really, really hard.
1423
01:27:53,790 --> 01:27:54,878
I don't want other people...
1424
01:27:56,619 --> 01:27:58,273
to have to struggle
through those same things,
you know, so...
1425
01:27:59,796 --> 01:28:01,667
if me being open and honest
1426
01:28:01,798 --> 01:28:04,366
helps other people, you know,
makes their life a little easier
1427
01:28:04,496 --> 01:28:05,802
and helps them accept
who they are,
1428
01:28:06,585 --> 01:28:09,109
then, uh, you know,
then it's totally worth it.
1429
01:28:17,988 --> 01:28:19,511
Sit over here, are you ready?
1430
01:28:19,642 --> 01:28:21,165
You're going to cry
or you're going to fight?
1431
01:28:25,256 --> 01:28:26,344
Ready?
1432
01:28:27,127 --> 01:28:28,172
Go on.
1433
01:28:30,261 --> 01:28:31,393
Eddie. Eddie.
1434
01:28:32,394 --> 01:28:33,351
Come on.
1435
01:28:34,874 --> 01:28:37,007
Huh, funny. I'm funny. Come on.
1436
01:28:38,748 --> 01:28:39,923
No?
1437
01:28:40,053 --> 01:28:40,924
Do you think you still
1438
01:28:41,054 --> 01:28:42,360
suffer from bigorexia
1439
01:28:42,491 --> 01:28:43,709
since your surgery?
1440
01:28:43,840 --> 01:28:45,711
It doesn't go away right away.
1441
01:28:47,060 --> 01:28:49,367
For the past 12 years,
I've been a bodybuilder.
1442
01:28:49,628 --> 01:28:51,761
I lost that identity so,
for a couple months,
1443
01:28:51,891 --> 01:28:53,110
I was very angry.
1444
01:28:53,240 --> 01:28:55,330
I was very angry.
I was very irritable.
1445
01:28:55,460 --> 01:28:57,854
I was, um, you know,
all out of whack.
1446
01:28:57,984 --> 01:29:00,900
So it was a mess, it was a mess.
It was really rough.
1447
01:29:03,076 --> 01:29:05,427
Because there was another thing,
you know, being a father,
1448
01:29:05,557 --> 01:29:07,907
get to enjoy that,
I was robbed of that.
1449
01:29:09,518 --> 01:29:12,521
There was, all a sudden,
this moment where I started
to connect with them.
1450
01:29:12,651 --> 01:29:15,175
And so, you know, I'm really
enjoying being a father
1451
01:29:15,306 --> 01:29:19,702
which is a whole
other thing that I'm so glad
I'm done with bodybuilding.
1452
01:29:19,832 --> 01:29:23,358
Once I had a kid
and realized what that meant,
1453
01:29:23,488 --> 01:29:26,752
it began to make bodybuilding
look pretty, pretty silly.
1454
01:29:26,883 --> 01:29:29,494
If I'm going to have to explain
to him later on in life
1455
01:29:29,625 --> 01:29:33,324
why I have health issues,
you know, "Because daddy
wouldn't be the biggest guy
1456
01:29:33,716 --> 01:29:36,762
in the supermarket," you know.
No one gives a crap.
1457
01:29:42,202 --> 01:29:43,900
-Ready to be
with the group or--
-Yeah, yeah,
1458
01:29:44,030 --> 01:29:45,075
you can go this way.
1459
01:29:47,556 --> 01:29:49,514
Hello!
How are you doing?
-Hey, look at you!
1460
01:29:49,645 --> 01:29:52,125
- Here comes
the pizza guy.
1461
01:29:52,256 --> 01:29:54,519
Oh, there's the most
of meat here.
1462
01:29:55,215 --> 01:29:57,087
I want to know--
- All right.
1463
01:29:58,654 --> 01:30:00,786
So we're going to do
our meeting real quick. Uh...
1464
01:30:01,265 --> 01:30:02,788
Jeff!
-...structure of an AA meeting,
right?
1465
01:30:02,919 --> 01:30:04,573
We're not out here in recovery.
1466
01:30:06,357 --> 01:30:08,054
Well, no, I just wanted to say,
1467
01:30:08,185 --> 01:30:10,535
um, this one thing you--
you know, one thing,
1468
01:30:10,666 --> 01:30:12,711
uh, the man, we're coming
to this meeting, you know,
1469
01:30:12,842 --> 01:30:14,626
all the way here,
we're talking about,
1470
01:30:15,061 --> 01:30:18,151
you know, why I do this,
and I was just explaining the--
1471
01:30:18,282 --> 01:30:19,631
well, pointing to the camera
1472
01:30:19,762 --> 01:30:22,242
that this--
it does a lot for me.
1473
01:30:22,373 --> 01:30:23,766
You know,
the youth man help me out.
1474
01:30:23,896 --> 01:30:26,159
Every week I'm here,
you know, this is the--
1475
01:30:26,551 --> 01:30:29,728
I always leave here feeling
better than when I got here.
1476
01:30:30,337 --> 01:30:32,470
There's usually one or two
of you youth folk outside,
1477
01:30:32,601 --> 01:30:35,212
we have a heart to heart talk
afterwards about,
1478
01:30:35,342 --> 01:30:37,606
"Do this because
I was once in your seat--"
1479
01:30:37,736 --> 01:30:40,043
I believe in helping people,
I'm only here
1480
01:30:40,173 --> 01:30:42,219
because of all the people
that took time to help me.
1481
01:30:42,349 --> 01:30:44,264
And I'm now ready
to help other people.
1482
01:30:44,395 --> 01:30:47,442
And I think the last problem
to solve was bo--
was bodybuilding.
1483
01:30:47,572 --> 01:30:50,619
It was really the last
little thing that kind
of didn't make sense.
1484
01:30:53,752 --> 01:30:56,146
I don't know how it's going
to play out for the future.
1485
01:30:56,276 --> 01:30:59,584
I know that I feel
very dedicated to following
Dr. O'Connor.
1486
01:31:00,019 --> 01:31:02,631
I-- I think having
the health facts backing me up,
1487
01:31:02,761 --> 01:31:05,590
that he's telling me I need
to lose weight to help my heart,
1488
01:31:05,721 --> 01:31:08,767
I've never had that before.
No one's ever told me
anything is wrong.
1489
01:31:11,553 --> 01:31:13,468
I tried to do this
before and I failed
1490
01:31:13,598 --> 01:31:15,513
so I am nervous about that,
1491
01:31:15,644 --> 01:31:17,559
but I would argue that
at this point of my life,
1492
01:31:17,689 --> 01:31:21,127
there's a lot of great reasons
why this is a smart move.
1493
01:31:21,258 --> 01:31:23,086
It's something I could
kind of feel in my gut,
1494
01:31:23,216 --> 01:31:24,783
I kind of wanted to do and now,
1495
01:31:25,175 --> 01:31:26,916
"Hey, let's go
do something else, right?"
1496
01:31:31,834 --> 01:31:34,271
-
1497
01:33:35,435 --> 01:33:38,047
So how important is it for you
to maintain your size?
1498
01:35:54,270 --> 01:35:55,967
I am pushing myself so hard,
1499
01:35:56,620 --> 01:35:59,318
mentally, physically,
I'm sacrificing a lot.
1500
01:35:59,449 --> 01:36:02,017
I'm not seeing my family,
I'm not seeing my friends.
1501
01:36:03,235 --> 01:36:05,542
I get tired and dizzy
and have to go and eat,
1502
01:36:05,672 --> 01:36:06,761
and then I have to go and train.
1503
01:36:06,891 --> 01:36:08,327
So I'm sacrificing so much
1504
01:36:08,458 --> 01:36:10,329
for 20 minutes on stage.
1505
01:36:13,724 --> 01:36:15,465
If I don't place
how I want to place,
1506
01:36:16,161 --> 01:36:18,555
I'm going to be
absolutely devastated.
1507
01:36:19,121 --> 01:36:21,688
That you just worked so hard
for something for so long,
1508
01:36:21,819 --> 01:36:23,473
pushing yourself to the limit.
1509
01:36:29,871 --> 01:36:31,568
361, hold out.
1510
01:36:32,221 --> 01:36:33,700
361, hold out.
1511
01:36:34,310 --> 01:36:35,572
361.
1512
01:36:36,660 --> 01:36:39,706
Right now, I feel just a mix
1513
01:36:40,098 --> 01:36:42,448
party of emotions,
like, totally mixed.
1514
01:36:43,536 --> 01:36:45,800
Physically, I feel right now
1515
01:36:45,930 --> 01:36:47,976
just half dead, like,
1516
01:36:48,106 --> 01:36:50,326
I could sleep any second,
my eyes are heavy.
1517
01:36:52,850 --> 01:36:55,679
I have the best physique
I've ever had right now.
1518
01:36:55,810 --> 01:36:59,509
Yet, still when I look in
the mirror, I'm-- I get upset.
1519
01:37:08,735 --> 01:37:11,390
Once I'm onstage,
all I can do is stand there
1520
01:37:11,521 --> 01:37:14,176
and show the people
what I have done.
1521
01:37:15,394 --> 01:37:17,527
If I have to come off stage
1522
01:37:17,657 --> 01:37:20,486
again without the trophy,
without the pro card...
1523
01:37:22,358 --> 01:37:24,099
I am going to collapse.
1524
01:37:24,577 --> 01:37:26,841
I have no idea.
I'm not going to-- I don't know.
1525
01:37:28,103 --> 01:37:30,975
My only concern is this show
and not winning.
1526
01:37:53,955 --> 01:37:54,999
I love you.
1527
01:38:29,555 --> 01:38:30,556
Don't.
1528
01:38:42,003 --> 01:38:43,308
I knew I wasn't going to win,
1529
01:38:43,874 --> 01:38:45,397
but I thought
I could still maybe
1530
01:38:45,528 --> 01:38:47,138
just scraped top three
and get a pro card.
1531
01:38:48,096 --> 01:38:50,359
I see people getting their
pro cards all over the world,
1532
01:38:50,750 --> 01:38:53,623
and I know I could beat them,
like...
1533
01:38:55,016 --> 01:38:56,017
for sure.
1534
01:38:57,322 --> 01:38:59,585
And I come here,
and I placed fifth,
1535
01:38:59,716 --> 01:39:01,631
and it's, like, what?
1536
01:39:03,415 --> 01:39:07,289
Yeah, shocked me. That totally
shocked me, to be fair,
you know.
1537
01:39:14,905 --> 01:39:17,777
That's just me being bitter
and sore loser, to be honest.
1538
01:39:17,908 --> 01:39:19,257
I'm just being a sore loser
right now, but I mean,
1539
01:39:19,388 --> 01:39:21,433
I think anyone else
would be in my shoes if,
1540
01:39:21,564 --> 01:39:23,435
you know, there's-- there was
so much hype around them
1541
01:39:23,566 --> 01:39:27,962
and they had literally thousands
upon thousands of people
1542
01:39:28,745 --> 01:39:30,181
telling you that
this is your year.
1543
01:39:31,226 --> 01:39:33,663
I'm now questioning
what the fuck was the point.
1544
01:39:33,793 --> 01:39:36,796
I've mentally destroyed myself.
1545
01:39:36,927 --> 01:39:38,885
The past three months,
every single day,
1546
01:39:39,016 --> 01:39:41,801
I woke up in the morning
depressed because I'm pinching
1547
01:39:43,064 --> 01:39:44,587
four percent,
five percent body fat,
1548
01:39:44,717 --> 01:39:47,546
getting upset about it
because I'm not shredded enough.
1549
01:39:48,025 --> 01:39:50,810
What is enough? After this
weekend, I have no clue.
1550
01:39:53,030 --> 01:39:57,295
Bigorexia, I think it's
pretty self-explanatory
what that term means.
1551
01:39:57,426 --> 01:40:01,517
It's a self-image problem,
body dysmorphia problem.
1552
01:40:03,258 --> 01:40:04,172
I have it.
1553
01:40:05,651 --> 01:40:09,351
I am not happy with my physic
pretty much every day.
1554
01:40:11,918 --> 01:40:15,574
How can I overcome
this self-image problem,
1555
01:40:16,358 --> 01:40:20,666
if today I thought I-- I looked
the best I've ever looked?
1556
01:40:21,841 --> 01:40:24,409
And I was actually happy
with how I looked.
1557
01:40:25,628 --> 01:40:27,978
For someone to say,
"No, you aren't fit."
1558
01:40:41,426 --> 01:40:43,298
Must've planned, eh.
1559
01:41:00,793 --> 01:41:02,578
So what about bigorexia
is an important thing
1560
01:41:02,708 --> 01:41:03,796
for people to know?
1561
01:41:03,927 --> 01:41:04,884
Please...
1562
01:41:06,147 --> 01:41:07,887
take a deep breath.
1563
01:41:08,018 --> 01:41:11,456
Please, realize that
it's a slippery slope.
1564
01:41:17,201 --> 01:41:20,726
There really is no end point.
I've never worked with a man
with muscle dysmorphia
1565
01:41:20,857 --> 01:41:24,730
that says, "I just want to be
this percent body fat
and this weight,
1566
01:41:24,861 --> 01:41:27,777
and then I'll be happy."
Because once they reach that,
1567
01:41:27,907 --> 01:41:29,779
they have another goal
that they hit.
1568
01:41:35,611 --> 01:41:37,787
I think putting yourselves
around friends
1569
01:41:37,917 --> 01:41:40,529
who speak positively
and are able to tell you, like,
1570
01:41:40,659 --> 01:41:43,184
"Hey, that's not right.
You know, you are beautiful."
1571
01:41:43,314 --> 01:41:45,229
And it's just getting them
to understand,
1572
01:41:45,360 --> 01:41:47,536
"It's okay
the body that you're in."
1573
01:41:53,324 --> 01:41:55,544
There's a point
where it's so narcissistic,
1574
01:41:56,632 --> 01:41:59,765
you're going to get hurt
and feel shallow and empty.
1575
01:42:05,684 --> 01:42:07,295
Our brains are not
designed for it.
1576
01:42:07,425 --> 01:42:09,775
That's why men
don't go to doctors.
1577
01:42:09,906 --> 01:42:13,039
Men don't want to deal
with weakness.
1578
01:42:19,698 --> 01:42:21,178
You hurt not only yourself,
1579
01:42:21,613 --> 01:42:23,311
but you're definitely
hurting the people
1580
01:42:23,441 --> 01:42:24,703
that are--
you love right around you.
120657
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