All language subtitles for s06e05

Niles, here I am
as a Sheffield now,

and you're still making
the bed, making the meals,

laying out his clothes...
I feel so guilty.

Well, would you like to help?

No. Just want to figure out a way
to stop feeling so damn guilty.

Darling, have you seen
Gracie's Halloween outfit?

No.

She's looking a little more
like a trick than treat.

Uh-oh. Gracie, honey,

come on in here
and let me see your costume.

Oh, are you insane?

There's no way you can go to your
Halloween party dressed like that.

Black is over. This year,
grey is the story.

Better?

No, it's totally inappropriate.
She looks like... well, like...

Me?

All right, Miss Grace, let's leave mommy
and daddy alone to fight in private.

- But I want to hear.
- It's none of our business.

Darling, how could you let
her go out looking like that?

I mean, what kind of example
are you setting?

What, she's dressed like me.
You love my style.

Yes, but you're much,
much older.

Than little teeny, tiny
12-year-old Gracie, that is.

Look, the point is, sweetheart,
since you've become her mother,

you carry much more weight.
Oh no! I mean... well...

Look, would you stop staring
at me like that? It's spooky.

What? I'm just listening to my husband
charm his fat old spooky wife.

Darling, the point is now we're married
we have to be much more careful

about what we say and do.

- Uh-huh.
- Like tonight, for example.

When Margaret's
boyfriend comes over,

you have to remember that
a boy looks to a girl's mother

to know what
to expect in the future.

Is that what you did with me?

- Who's sorry now?
- Just promise me one thing.

You'll try to be a little
more conservative tonight?

I mean, that outfit you've got on, I mean,
it suggests any woman would... ah...

What, jump into bed
with a guy after five years?

Look, darling,
we have to set the right tone.

It's important that you
and I are of one mind.

- Yours?
- Yes.

Okay, honey. You got it.
We're of one mind.

- Right.
- And by the way, tonight?

- Mm?
- We have a headache.

♪ She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend kicked her out
in one of those crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do, where was she
to go, she was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell make up
but the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had flair, she was
there, that's how she became the Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed
that the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly
what the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now, the father
finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids are actually
smiling such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red when
everybody else is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl from Flushing,
the Nanny named Fran ♪

Fran: Can you believe
the nerve of Maxwell,

suggesting that I am not a good
role-model for those kids?

I mean, would I ever
steer them wrong?

This was the worst
day of my entire life.

Why, honey? What happened?

Well, you know Kim?
She still won't go out with me.

Well, did you nonchalantly drop your
platinum Visa card like I told you to?

- No, the regular Visa.
- Oh! You don't listen.

Ugh!

You see. You are a great
role model to those kids.

Oh, thank you.

You can talk to kids and
then just turn right around

and conversate
with the sophisticatos.

Oh, Fran.

I am so nervous about my new boyfriend
coming over for dinner tonight.

Why? Because you have to prepare the
Chateaubriand, polish the silver,

and comb the fringe
on the area rugs?

- No, you do that.
- Then chill out, girlie.

Niles, what's the matter?
You seem so bitter.

Oh, I'm sorry. It's just that
it's a very emotional day for me.

I was here when
Miss Margaret was born.

I watched her grow up,
go off to college.

And now she's starting an exciting
new life, and I'm still a butler.

Oh, I wish he could just adjust
to the fact that he's a domestic.

I mean, it took me five years,
but I made peace with it.

So, honey, what are you
going to wear tonight?

Well, I was thinking of wearing one
of Fran's short little skirts.

Oh, no, no, no. I don't think
that's a good idea at all.

I think you've got to wear
something much more tasteful,

longish and turtle-neckish.

- Why?
- Why?

'Cause I'm a friggin'
role model, that's why.

Daddy, just please promise me that
you're not going to embarrass me

in front of my new
boyfriend tonight.

Fine, I'll tell you what.

Why don't I just lock myself in my
study and stay there until he leaves?

Do you want Niles
to bring you a tray?

I am not hiding in my office. This
is my house. I'll do as I please.

And if I want to tell my
funny Kaye Ballard stories,

which always kill,

then I shall.

Oh, Fran, do something!
Say something!

Kaye Ballard.

- Honey, let your father be himself.
- Thank you.

Sweetie, if you're
serious about this guy,

you're going to have to let
him meet your family sometime.

I mean, you can't hide them
forever. God knows I tried.

Oh, and you, don't embarrass me in
front of my new boyfriend tonight.

You turned off the last
two guys I brought home.

Oh, yeah, I bored them to death.

Honey, calm down. You're
acting a little nutsy here.

I mean, there is really nothing as pathetic
as an overanxious, desperate woman.

( Doorbell rings )

There he is! Wet your
lips, arch your back,

and please don't let this one
slip through your fingers!

Oh, not you, sweetie.

- Hello, honey.
- Hey.

Everyone, this is Michael.
Michael, these are my parents.

Hi. Gee, you look
very familiar to me.

Yes, yes, you do. Are you an actor?
Have you read for me before?

No, I'm a model. I don't read.

Michael has a billboard in Times
Square that's 10 stories high.

Oh, my God!
You are the underwear guy!

Honey, honey, this is the tushie
that hangs over your marquee.

- Please, show him, show him.
- No, I...

- Oh, please!
- Well, all right.

Oh, yeah. That's it.

He looks much better
without his pants on.

What?

Honey. Why don't you go tell Michael
your funny Kaye Ballard story?

Oh, you know Kaye?

So, Michael, how did you
become an underpants model?

Well, I was going to college,
getting my liberal arts degree,

and then one day someone offered
me $40,000 for a day's work.

( laughs )

And I worked
five days that week.

( Cries )

So tell me, Michael,
what does your father do?

- He's a doctor.
- Ka-ching.

He's one of the most prominent
plastic surgeons on Long Island.

Ka-ching, Ka-ching.

Really, dad, you would not believe
how huge his practice is!

Wow.

Well, there's a lot of older women out
there trying to recapture their youth.

It's sad, I mean, most of them are so
embarrassed, they use phony names.

Good night, everyone.

Miss Bouvier?

I'm sorry, obviously you have mistaken
me for someone else, Michael.

So, Michael,

how long have you been dating
my beautiful young daughter?

Five weeks.

Aww. Reminds me of the first time
I brought a boy home for dinner.

Only it was ma that
was kissing him.

She was so grateful.

Michael, do you have anything to
fall back on when your rear end

is no longer supporting you?

What?

Look, Mr. Sheffield,
I know what you're thinking.

A male model's not good
enough for your daughter,

even though I gross
$800,000 a year.

( Clattering )

Niles, are you all right?

Niles: Oh, nothing an additional
$790,000 a year couldn't fix.

I want you to know that
I really love your daughter,

and I'm going to do everything
I can to make her happy.

Oh, this is what
Naches is all about!

What's Naches?

Naches means feeling
a sense of pride.

Oh, my God, he's Jewish!

Oh, my life is complete.

My daughter is marrying
a Jewish male model!

Marrying? Wait,
no one's marrying anyone!

Look, it's important that
young people take it slowly

when they think they're
falling in love.

Yeah, but you don't want
to pace yourself like

you're going to live
till you're 140 either.

- Did you just kick me?
- Yes.

Ow!

Ah, listen, everyone,
we've got to go.

Michael and I are going
to the Roxy tonight,

so we probably won't
be back till real late.

Oh, well, you have a good time.

You're adults, you're responsible,
you can do whatever you... ow!

Well, unless you're expecting candy
to come flopping out of my tuches,

quit whacking me
under the table!

Well, would you quit acting like her sister
and act a little bit more like her mother?

Oh, why don't you just
give the kid a break?

He's a hard-working, decent fellow.
He rents a beautiful apartment.

Actually, I own it.

Oh, why don't you just shoot me?

When we're
in the middle of an argument,

why do you always walk out
when it's my turn to speak?

So I don't have to hear you.

You know what your problem is,
don't you?

You want to be the children's
friend. Well, you can't be.

We have to be like lawyers,
like agents.

If the children like us,
we're not doing our jobs.

Oh, what is so terrible about me
being supportive of my daughter?

What do you think
is going to happen?

Aren't you running out?
It's my turn to speak.

No, because obviously
you have nothing to say.

Oh, really?
Well, how about this then.

Did it ever occur to you that your
support simply gives them carte blanche

to do whatever
they bloody well want?

Sweetie, my support helps
build her self-esteem,

which gives her the confidence
to make the right decisions.

Now will you please
trust me on this?

- Oh, I don't know.
- Mm?

- Oh, maybe you're right.
- Mm, well.

God, what happened to me?

I used to be such a hip,
with-it, mod kind of father.

Okay.

You know what, darling? I just
thank God that you are in my life.

And I don't have to tell you how
grateful I am to have you in mine.

But I can show you.

- I'll light the candles.
- I'll get the Haagen-Dazs.

- For what?
- Gotta have something to wear.

- Fran!
- Hi, honey.

I'm so sorry that
you and daddy...

Listen, can we talk
on the way to the freezer?

No, but, Fran! It really meant a lot to me
that you consider Michael and me adults.

And we should be able
to do whatever we want.

Sweetie, I was your age once.
Twice.

I know how important it is to
have a role model that believes

in all of your choices.

I know, Fran,
and because of your support,

Michael and I have decided
to move in together.

Honey, that's fantastic! Are
you going to be needing a nanny?

'Cause I'm going
to be available.

Honey, have you seen
Maggie yet this morning?

- No, not yet.
- Okay.

Hello, my darling,

love of my life, oh!

You know, honey, there was something
that I neglected to tell you last night.

Oh, well, there was something I
neglected to tell you last night.

You know what, you go first.

- All right. You were amazing.
- ( chuckles )

Not that you're not incredible
every night,

but last night
you were so generous.

( laughs )

Well, you know,
trying something new.

I want to approach each time
like, well, it could be my last.

I like the sound of that idea.

I thought this crap was supposed
to stop once you got married.

Miss Babcock, what is the
matter? You look very tense.

Well, I just got back
from the plastic surgeon,

and he might have hit a wrong
muscle with the Botox. No biggie.

I think he might have
paralyzed half your face.

Well, perhaps he was
distracted by the fact

that your daughter is
moving in with his son.

( laughs )

What happened?

Maggie's moving in with her boyfriend. It's
all my fault and Miss Bouvier told him!

Ooh, you get back
here this instant!

Fran:
No!

Max: I told you
this would happen!

Well, that just makes
you right and me faster!

This is what happens when
you don't act like a parent!

Yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah!

( Screams )

Oh, my God!
Kaye Ballard! Kaye Ballard!

Kaye? Where?

( Doorbell rings )

I'll get it, I'll get it.

Trick or treat?

Oh, I'm so scared.

Now, one minute, boys. Um, Ma,
there's no more candy in the bowl.

It's only 5:00. What did
you do? Give it all out already?

Uh, yeah.

Do you have something we could give the
kids? Maybe a few pennies or something?

Oh, that's a good idea.

Here you go.

- Thank you.
- Happy Halloween!

Hey, that lady took my candy!

You know, Halloween was always

Sylvia's favorite holiday.

She'd start collecting
at 7:00 in the morning.

She even took
extra bags to collect

for the underprivileged kids,
remember?

Uh, yeah.

Ma, I want to talk to you.

You know, Max and I
had another fight.

Now Maggie wants to move
in with her new boyfriend,

and he's saying
it's all my fault.

Sweetheart,
you know what your problem is?

What?

You're spending too much
time with your husband.

The 35 years that I have been
married to your father combined,

maybe I've seen him
totally... 6 months.

Well, Ma, if I don't figure out
a way to keep Maggie

from moving in with her boyfriend,
I may be moving back in with you.

Franny, you can't move in here.

I'd have to move out
and go to a home!

Ma, we put you
in a home 10 years ago!

You bastards!

Sweetheart, I can't believe you're
fighting with your husband.

( Crying )
It's giving me palpitations.

I probably won't live
to see Thanksgiving.

And I already bought the bird.

And ate it.

( Crying ) You're fighting
with him and it's killing me.

Ma, Ma, I didn't come here
to upset you. I feel terrible.

What can I do to
make it up to you?

Learn.

The performance that you
just saw is called guilt.

It's every mother's secret weapon
that she uses on her daughter.

Use it to get the girl back.

Ma, do you think that I'm
ready to unleash the power?

Darling, embrace it.

Use it. Pass it on.

Maggie:
Coming!

- Fran.
- Sweetie,

I will get right to the point. There
is no way you are moving in here.

No daughter of mine is going to live in
the most gorgeous condo I've ever seen.

I know, isn't it beautiful?

Yes, but that is not the point. You are
too young to be living here with him.

Don't you know you're falling
in love with an image?

Nobody looks like
that in real life.

Except the guy
you're living with.

- Hey, Fran.
- Hi, Michael.

- You're our first visitor.
- Oh.

It's real sweet how
close you and Maggie are.

Yeah, well, that's the perks of
having grown kids in your 20's.

- You mean in their 20's.
- No.

Now, tell me, you guys,

are you really, really,
really sure about this?

- Yes.
- Yes.

Okay, well then I guess
I'll just have to accept... oh!

Fran, Fran are you okay?

Oh! Oh! I'll be all right,
just give me a minute.

Oh, my God, I think your
mom's having a heart attack.

Listen to the boy.
Listen to the boy.

Fran, I'm so sorry.
Michael, I'm moving back home.

- Really?
- When pigs fly.

Fran, Jewish guilt does
not work on a Shiksa.

Oh, fine. Well, at least I can
tell your father that I tried.

Look, you guys are adults
and I give you my blessing.

I'll be at ma's if you need me.

I think it's best that I spend a
few days away from your father.

You know. My health.

- Margaret?
- Oh! Oh! Michael?

Flex your pecks.
Hide me! Hide me!

Daddy, don't even try.
I love Michael.

Fran gave me her blessing.
Why can't you?

You gave them your blessings?

Oh!

Cut the guilt.
Doesn't work on the British.

What do you want me to say?

I mean, they've made their decision
and I am going to accept them.

Well, it doesn't mean
I have to accept them.

You know, I can't believe that you
would rather alienate your daughter

than try and understand her.
I mean, who did I marry?

Well, you know, I was asking
myself the same question.

Oh, well, then maybe we should try and
answer it separately for a while.

- Well, maybe we should.
- Well, fine then.

Stop it, stop it, this is crazy!

Margaret, you stay out of this.

Michael, this is going
to separate my parents.

Listen, we don't
want to hurt anybody.

We can't do this.
I can't do this. I'm sorry.

I'll take you home.

Dad, I'm packing up my bags.
We're going home.

I can't believe that worked.

- Didn't I tell you to trust me?
- You were terrific.

I had no idea you were
such an incredible actress.

And how about you, you were so
forceful, so strong, such a turn-on.

( Knock on door )

I'm sorry to interrupt, sir, but the
doctor just sent your results over.

You only have
four months to live.

Never mind, Niles.
Plan "A" worked.

Oh.

This is his apartment?

( Cries )

Rule number 1. Never
eat anything unwrapped.

See? That's not good.

Rule number 2.
Never eat loose candy.

See, that's bad.

You know something?
None of this is safe.

You're going to throw
out the whole pail?

Um... yeah.

( Jazz music playing )