All language subtitles for The Kardashians S01E02 - Did Somebody Tape That

KHLOÉ:
Previously on The Kardashians...

BOTH [high-pitched]:
Hi.

- Let's rub our bellies.

- This is a relationship that
I don't think anybody saw coming.

- I definitely saw this coming.

- Hey, you can't, you can't.

- All I need is just to be acknowledged.

- Right.

- Oh, do I even mean anything to anyone?

- Oh my god, I'm hosting SNL.

They were like, "Can you sing?" Nope.

"Can you dance?" Nope.
"Can you act?" No.

There's more footage
from the sex tape that's been out there.

And it said, "Kim's New Sex Tape"
when you clicked on it.

And it's, like, over my dead body is this
[bleep] shit gonna happen to me again.

♪ intense music playing ♪

- So, Ray J's manager
is claiming he has a sex tape

of us in Santa Barbara.
- Oh, oh, oh.

KIM:
I'm trying to pack for SNL,

and now I have to deal
with this sex tape drama.

Nineteen years
this has been held over my head.

This is the shit that I did
when I was young, and I need to own it.

That was 20 years ago.
I didn't know what to do.

I had no money
and I did not know what to do.

I have all the time, all the money,
and all of the resources

to burn them all to the [bleep] ground.

I'll do everything in my power
to protect myself and to protect my kids,

so I'm not gonna be shamed by this,
and, like, bullied.

Don't you think you should call the guy
and say, "I just want you to know

that this guy is not
the rightful owner of anything"?

- We don't know what this is.

This could be really, really bad.

So, the best thing
I can do is stay positive,

make sure everybody stays calm,
and just keep things moving.

- I'm about to get
all my attorneys involved

to sue the [bleep] out of these [bleep].

- Guys, I love you, but I have a meeting.
Keep me posted, okay?

KIM: Okay.
- Sorry, we didn't help you pack, Kim.

If you need us to help you
with your looks or anything--

- No, not about the looks,

if she needs emotional support.
- I know, but she's gotta pack

the suitcase so she can leave.
- She's fine.

If you need me to come over
after True goes to bed,

I can come over.

I'm not doing anything.
- Thank you.

KRIS: All right, we love you, Kim.
KHLOÉ: Love you, Joge.

KRIS:
Let us know if you need us, okay?

KIM:
'Kay.

♪ Glimmer by Nicole Serrano playing ♪

♪ Don't quit dreaming until
every dream comes to life ♪

♪ Life ♪

♪ Just keep holding on,
it's all a matter of time ♪

- I really wanted to see
the houses in Malibu.

- Me too, but I like lookin'
at houses with you.
- Me too.

Travis and I currently
live in separate homes

a block away from each other,

and we just wanna, like, explore
the idea of living in one home.

This is cute. This is a cute vibe.

We're so in love with our homes
right now and where we live

that it's gonna be really hard
to find something to beat that.

TOMER: Hey, guys.
BOTH: Hi.

- How are you? Good to see you.
TRAVIS: How you doing? Good to see you.

TOMER: So, this is actually one of
the most important estates in Bel Air.

It was built in 1934
for a really prominent family.

Walk on through.

But it's got that really beautiful
pedigree look from the '30s.

KOURTNEY:
This house has a really cool style.

It, kind of, reminds me
of, like, old Hollywood,

Frank Sinatra vibes,
like, which is so us.

This is Mason's room.
TRAVIS: Mm-hm.

KOURTNEY:
Alabama's... Landon's room.

TRAVIS:
This is Ati's room.

KOURTNEY:
Yeah, and there's even a nice closet.

TRAVIS: I like it.
- I could see us all, like,

laying on the couch
and watching movies,

and cooking together.

My parents had a setup
like this growing up

with two separate sides.

TRAVIS:
Oh, she's definitely got the better side.

[whispers]: You should try 'em on.
- No.

[laughing]

- So, the pool has fiber optic lighting.
It lights up at night.

KOURTNEY: Oh, cool.
TOMER: It's really pretty.

Yeah, so.
KOURTNEY: Yeah.

Oh my god, people were, like, pissed

about the Disneyland
video of me on you.
- Why?

KOURTNEY:
They're just like,

"Who's taking the video?
You guys are at Disneyland.

There's kids, there's kids."
- We're like, "It's our tour guide."

KOURTNEY:
Kissing and hugging is not a bad thing.

I'm actually grateful that my kids

can see a loving,
affectionate relationship

because they haven't seen
that their whole lives.

- I just think people
have trouble understanding

how two people can be
so in love and affectionate

'cause they're [bleep] miserable.

- Yeah, totally.
- That's why.

He was like--
- Yeah, he's like, "You guys are--"

TRAVIS: "These two are
makin' out in the backyard."

♪ Do you love me now ♪

♪ When it hurts so bad
that it tears you down ♪

♪ Do you love me now ♪

- Like, all these paparazzi were standing
out of their cars taking pictures

and I was like, "How do they even
know I was coming up the hill?"

- I think they're just waiting for you--
- But out of their cars?

It was so strange
and made me so paranoid,

and no one knew I was coming home.

So, like--
- Yeah.

- I don't know who would've told on me.
- They're just hope--

They're just hoping, I think.
- I was just like, "So annoying."

That was the strangest thing.

- Is Kyles home?
- I don't know.

I just gotta pick something up.

♪

Oh, I love this and her chicken.

She brings me eggs every week.

MALIKA: She's so cute.
KHLOÉ: She has chickens over here.

Oh, there's eggs! Look how cute.

- What came first? The chicken or the egg?
- [sighs] Mind[bleep], isn't it?

I don't know.
- I think it was the chicken.

- How did it get here?
MALIKA: God.

God made humans
and then humans produce eggs.

I think God made chickens
and then chickens produce eggs.

- Sure.

- I have to believe something.
I have to believe in something.
- Yeah... I don't know.

Hey.

Me and Malika are in your backyard.

Where is what you wanted me to pick up?

'kay, bye.

She said her security
will bring it to me in a sec.

Do you wanna just sit while they're--
- Sure.

KHLOÉ:
I definitely didn't tell you this.

The other night--

You just can't even, like,
make this shit up. It's wild.

Me, Kim, Kourt, my mom,
we're all, like, in Kim's closet,

and this guy somehow had
access to Kim's sex tape.

There was other footage that was
never released or something like that.

And so, Kim, of course, is stressing.
You know, it sucks.

You don't wanna do SNL
if you know this is coming.

Like, you have to-- It-It's just--
The whole thing is so [bleep].

- No, but she's gotta block the noise.
100%.

And you've gotta make sure of that.

- She's gonna do great.

Kim doesn't sign on for things

if she, like, doubts herself.
- Kim doesn't fail, babe.

- Yeah, she doesn't.
- She just doesn't.

- Kourt is not going to SNL,
so Scott's gonna come.

And before my mom and I fly to SNL,
I have to do James Corden.

I just have such anxiety
about going, like, just--

It's never the interview.
It's more the aftermath.

Like, now you have to listen
to everybody say this,

or judge you, or overanalyze
something you say, or pick this apart.

It's just, like--

Social media used to be,
you know, fun and silly.

There was definitely always trolls.

And now, it's--
Everything is so critical.

The way I look,
my situation with Tristan,

is my hair done the right way?

"What is she doing with that laugh?"
That, this? "Oh my gosh, she said this."

I think I've gotten to the point that
it's, literally, safer to stay at home.

This shit used to be fun.

You're totally, sort of, like,
gaslighting yourself.

You're makin' up all these scenarios

that who even knows is happening.
- No, it's kinda like a killjoy.

- With all those paparazzi today,
swear I was having, like, a heart attack.

Literally, I thought I was
having a heart attack today.

MALIKA:
I mean, anxiety is real,

and the amount of criticism and scrutiny

that you have to deal with
is also very real.

But I do like that you do deal

because you really could
run away and disappear

and decide that you don't want
this to be your life anymore

because someone doesn't have
something nice to say to you,

but then you'd ruin everything
you ever worked for.

- Yes.

Saying a mantra like,
"[bleep] the haters," "Tune them out."

Yes, I think that is,
obviously, everyone's goal,

but it's so much easier said than done.

I do wanna know if there's
therapy for, like, overthinking.

- You might need to take a deep breath.

- I took a beta-blocker earlier,
so I'm, sort of--

- Oh, wait, your mom gave you that.
- Yeah.

[laughing]

♪

KIM:
Absolutely.

[FaceTime ringing]

Are you gonna be excited that
I'm doing Saturday Night Live?

NORTH [on phone]:
Yeah.

- 'Cause you're my best hype woman.

[laughs]

- I won't do that on stage, I promise.

Have the best day today, guys.

- 'Kay, bye.
- 'Kay, bye.

I'm in New York and I just have
so much to do this week.

I don't think people really get how insane
SNL is and what the schedule's like.

I mean, you come in on a Monday,

and you have, like, these meetings
where they pitch things to you.

Tuesday is sketch pitches.

Wednesday's the table read,
where you read, like, 40 sketches.

Thursday, filming of pre-tapes.

Friday, we start at 5 A.M.

Saturday is showtime.

It's a machine.

I really want this moment.

I don't wanna be thinking
and stressing about something else.

Like, I have a lot on my mind.

Hello.
KRIS [on phone]: Hi, honey.

- Did you find out what
that blogger was gonna leak?

- No, you, you really
can't worry about it.

You're doing SNL right now.
That's what you need to focus on.

And I would put your energy there,
and this too shall pass.

- All right, well, I'm gonna
go finish getting ready.

I love you.
- Okay. Today's gonna be a great day.

You're gonna kick ass at SNL
and I can't wait to see how the day goes.

- Oh my god, me too.
I'll call you later and let you know.

- Okay, keep me posted.

- Okay, love you, bye.
- Love you, too.

- I mean, my mom's obviously right.

Like, I can't stress about something
that I have no control over anymore,

but it is easier said than done.

- Wait, so, what are you, um,
what are you doing today, like--

- I'm gonna meet Amy Schumer.
- Okay.

- And we're just--
She's been, like, the most support.

She's, literally, the-- Just the funniest,

but just giving me advice
and, like, Girl Pep Talk

because sometimes I'm like,
"Why the [bleep] did I sign on to do this?

Like, I, I can't do this.
Like, why did I do this?"

- So, what's the deal with Kanye?
Is he coming?

- Yeah, he's here already.

He literally took
a coach commercial flight.

- Stop.

- Sat, like, in the seat
next to the bathroom.

Kanye is in New York to support me,

but we also have, like,
set some serious boundaries.

Like, Kanye and I are staying
at separate hotels.

I've been really clear
with him as far as, like,

where we stand in our relationship.

Just super-drama-free
is the vibe for this week.

He said he didn't sleep all night long
just so that he can get in town

early enough to meet up with Dave,

and, like, go over jokes
and really, like, help,

and Dave introduced us
to this comedian Michelle Wolf,

who is so funny.

We've all been, like, on this
thread about the monologue,

and what jokes are funny
and what we should take out,

and we've all kinda,
like, collaborated on it.

- I cannot believe that he's helping
you the way that he is.

♪

- But how are you feeling?
When did Tristan leave?

- Sunday.
- Aww.

- He's just in Sacramento
playing the Clippers or something.

- Okay.

Just think about it.
He just, like, doesn't have--

His whole world is here in L.A.
KHLOÉ: I know.

- So it's a tough thing.
- So it's not good.

I am on my way to do
the James Corden talk show.

Malika's coming for my emotional support

because I do get a lot of anxiety
by doing talk shows these days.

MALIKA: What I remember about
the last time you did this show

when I went with you...
KHLOÉ: Yeah.

- ...you sat at the table, and he asked
you some pretty insane questions

or you had to eat something nasty.
- I'm not doing that.

- I was gonna say--
Oh, that's not happening this time?

- No.
- Put an eyeball in your mouth.

- I just bit it and then,
I literally spit it out.

It was the nastiest thing I've ever done.

JAMES CORDEN:
You've got this.

- I think I might throw up.

- [stammers] Well, that would
be wonderful for our ratings.

[audience laughs]

No, you're not gonna do it.

[screams]
[audience cheering]

Oh my god!
[laughing]

- I feel obviously much better
just, just talking it through,

and, like,

it's so easy for people to say,

"You don't know them.
Don't pay attention."

Or da-da--
Trust me, I try not to,

but when you're walking down the street

and then, even paparazzi's heckling at you

the same things that
you're trying to avoid,

it's so deteriorating

on your self-esteem, your confidence,
the way that you view yourself,

and even, like, anxiety
to post photos on Instagram.

I'm just anxious, even when I'm like,
I barely did retouching,

but I'm so afraid to post it
'cause people are gonna say I did this.

It's like, "Ah!"

- You ever think you'd just tell
a couple people to [bleep] off

and it might actually make you feel better
and people will back off of you?

- Why did Tristan say
the exact same thing?

He was like,
"What happened to you?"

Malika and Tristan have this ability
that they're able to ground me,

and I feel like that's one of the reasons
why I'm so drawn to the both of them.

He's like,
"You used to tell people to [bleep] off."

- All of us got a "[bleep] off"
at one point or another,

and they're strangers!
Tell them all to [bleep] off.

- You're right. You're 100% right.

I think I need a therapist.

♪ Hey, it's a good day
for a good day, uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

- 'Kay, so, after Saturday,
I have about 20 d-- 17 days

to take the Bar.

So, I'm gonna go--
I'll take Sunday off

and just really, really, really go for it.

Ten 12-hour days.

As important as SNL is,

it's more important that
I study for the Baby Bar

because I have one last chance to pass it

and then, I can't take it again.

- So much better.
I need to get more confident at my essays,

but this is my last chance.

- You're gonna pass it. I'm not worried.

- Yeah... I'll be eliminated
if I don't pass this time.

♪

Hello.
AMY SCHUMER: Oh. Hi!

Oh my god.
- Are you here?

This place.
- Isn't this-- This is what buys--

Hi.
- It's amazing.

I miss you. How are you?
- Thanks for coming over. I miss you.

I'm so good. I'm so excited for you.
Come on, let's work.

KIM: Amy Schumer and I have been
friends for a few years now.

Of course, she's, like, so funny
that I want her to hear

what I have as my, like, final monologue
and see what she thinks.

And I feel really good about it,
and I'm honestly not nervous.

That's, like, the one thing
that I'm not nervous about.

- I'm so excited about this.

You know, like, writing jokes is
my favorite thing in the world.

- I know and that's what everyone says
is you're just, like, the best.

- I'm the joke person, but you're,
like, the best at taking jokes.

- Yeah.
- Like I-- Why are you so great at that?

Like, I did roasts,
and it was too hurtful.

I, like, couldn't do it anymore.
- Really?

- Yeah. Wait, let me get one... thing.

Okay, there we go.
What a romantic moment.
- Thank you.

- How are you feeling?
- Do you wanna read it...

- Well, I wanna see the,
the latest-latest, yeah.

- So, I feel like you should
read the one on my phone.

- Okay, let's do it.

- I don't want too many Kanye jokes,
but... one good one.

- No, I think, like, a really--
Like, one is great.

- Totally. So, there's,
like, two or three in here,

so I think I'm gonna take this one out.
- Let's pick the best. Okay.

- This one says--
- Is this Chappelle?

- Michelle Wolf.
- Great.

I love Michelle Wolf. She's hilarious.
- Yeah, so there--

- She's a murderer.
- Yeah, yeah. [laughs]

Dave Chappelle suggested
that I work with Michelle Wolf,

who's, like, the funniest comedian,

and she's really helping me
write my monologue.

"Hey, guys. It's so great to be here
hosting Saturday Night Live.

I know, I'm surprised
to see me here, too."
- Mm-hm.

- "When they asked, I was like,

"You want me to host? Why?

"I haven't had a movie premiere
in a really long time.

"Actually, I've only had
that one movie come out

"and no one even told me
it was premiering.

It must've slipped my mom's mind."

- Wait, what was the movie?

- My sex tape.

- Thank you. Thank you. Great.
- Yeah. [laughs]

But the joke on the internet was--
- Yes.

that, like, my mom had to,
she's my manager, she had to broker.

And there's a lot of, like,

kinda sex tape drama happening now,

where, like, people are saying that...
- Oh.

- ...maybe, there's a little bit more
from 20 years ago.

- Is there a part of you that's like,

"Let's get that out 'cause it,
probably, is pretty hot?"

If someone had a video of me,
like, [bleep] 20 years ago,

I'd be like, "Can we please get that out?"

Because, I mean, if it were today,

you know, different,
but, but okay, so what's--

- So, I was really upset.
- Yeah.

- And then, I was like,

"[bleep] it, losers.
Do it and I'll sue you or whatever."

And... I just can't, like--
I have to just take my power back on that.

- Yeah.
- This was 20 years ago.

Come on.
- Yeah, like, please.

- So, I think even, like, taking
the air out of those people--

Like, just starting off
with that is kinda funny

without being super, like, sex tape.

- I think I just wouldn't
do any sex tape stuff.

- Really?
- Because this moment in time--

Like, th-this piece of, like,
art or whatever will live on,

and people might not remember it.
Like, it's not--

- Not that relevant?
- I don't even think you need
to even give it any-- yeah.

- Um, "I know I have privilege,
but I still struggle.

"Like most of the things that I wear,
it's really hard to pee.

"It's, like, a whole ordeal.

"Let's put it this way,
if R. Kelly dressed like me.

- Oh my god.

- ...he may have stayed out of trouble."

- Oh my god!

It's too long.
It's a long way to go for, like-- Yeah.

- Okay, um, "Oh, Khloé,
you have the biggest heart.

It's so big, it has room for Tristan
and all of his side pieces."

- Oh shit.

- "And Kris.
Kris, you're not one of my sisters.

That's not a joke.
I just thought I'd remind you."

- No.
- 'Kay.

The one thing I thought I had
and was so confident in,

is my monologue,
so I'm a little confused now.

I really want--
- I am not obsessed with that.

- Okay, okay.
- Okay, but let's keep going, yeah.

- So, I think I can take out, like,
that whole middle chunk.
- I think so, too. Yeah.

- Add in what you were
saying at the beginning.
- Yeah.

- Okay, then it goes into this,
which I think is funny.

"Something I'm really proud of

"is that no one can ever
call me a gold digger.

"Honestly, I'm not even sure
how you become one.

"But I asked Corey,

"and he said that a good place to start

is getting a job in my mom's security."

- That's funny.
Calling Corey a gold digger is so funny.

But y-you gotta pause for that laugh.
You know what I mean?

"So, I asked Corey," and then,
give it a beat and let people laugh.

- I really want people to know that
I'm more than just a pretty face,

and good hair, and a great makeup,

terrific boobs, and an amazing butt.

- So, if you make it sound like the list
is always about to end, but it goes on.

- Yeah...
- I think,

like, just choosing
the funniest, strongest stuff.

- Yeah. Today was the first day
I had a little bit of anxiety.

- And what is it, like, from?
Like, what are you--

- Just like, "Oh shit, this is happening."

- Right.
- You know?

- Yeah, it's-- But it's--

- Yeah.
- It's gonna be great.

It's so cool that you're doing it.
- Yeah.

- Like, everyone I know is like,
"That's so badass that she's doing it."

To me, it's like, you're just someone
who wants to, like, enjoy their life

and, like, have every experience.

- Yeah, yeah.
- And that's what it's about.

You know?
- That really is what it's about.

- Yeah, you-- and you could even say that.
You could be like,

"'Cause I don't know
if you guys know this,

but I don't need the exposure
from this show."

Like, you know?
- [laughs] Yeah.

- Like, "I'm not hoping
to get discovered tonight."

Uh, "If anything, you know, usually,
I'm-- I have 250 million followers.

If anything, tonight, I just wanted
some intimacy with some close friends."

- [laughs] Yes.

No, you've been so supportive.

Like, even when I'm like,
"Why the [bleep] am I doing this?"

And you're like,
"'Cause you're a gangster.

And you're doing this."
And I'm like, "Okay, I am. I got it."

- Yeah. 'Cause anything you're scared of
is an opportunity.

It's, like, so exciting.

- Yeah. [laughs]
- Yeah.

♪ I call the shots,
call the shots, watch me ♪

♪ Lights, camera, VIP ♪

♪ Photo, flash, what you see ♪

♪ I'm a boss guaranteed ♪

♪ Keep your eyes on me ♪

KRIS: Hey!
- Hi, Mom.

- Where's the star of the show today?

I heard this is the first show
back with an audience.

- Oh, stop.

- Oh yeah.
There's a full audience out there.

- Oh gosh.
- Yeah, they're already chanting,

"Khloé, Khloé, Khloé!"
- Are you kidding or being serious?

- No, there's a m-major audience.
- No, not the chanting,

but the audience part.
- Yeah, I'm serious.

- Oh gosh.
- So, when I heard that

I didn't wanna just call you and tell you.

I thought I'd come down and check on you,

and see if you were gonna
be okay with your anxiety.

KHLOÉ: Oh, lovely.
KRIS: You're gonna do so great.

- Thank you.

- Oh, I see we brought
the champagne out already.

Do you want one of my beta-blockers?

- Oh, I love those.
- I know. They're really great.

I'm really lucky
because I get to spend a lot

of one-on-one time
with each one of my kids.

I know Khloé has a hard time
with her anxiety from time to time,

so I really wanted to be here today,

and just support her
and make her feel loved and special.

- It's hard to sit in this thing.
I didn't... plan for sitting.

- Maybe I can wheel you
out there on a little dolly?

- Yeah, okay, good. Perfect.
KRIS: Oh, jeez.

- You look so good.

KRIS: I think any time that
you're in the public eye,

it just opens you up
for scrutiny and criticism

about every little thing.

And I think with Khloé,
she does internalize that,

and I think that you really have to have
tough, thick skin, which all of us have,

but every once in a while,
our emotions just get the best of us.

[knocks on door]

Uh-oh. Hi! Come in for a hug!
JAMES: Am I all right to take this off?

- I'm really your guest!
- Oh, how are you?

How nice to see you.
- I missed you.

- And you.

KRIS:
Yeah, Khloé's gonna be great.

She had a little--
She was a little nervous,

but you're gonna make her feel like--
- You have nothing to be nervous about.

- I always get anxious. Not about you.
- Oh, you have nothing to be anxious.

- You've got this.
- No, it's always the aftermath

of, like, the Twitter
and all of that shit.

- Oh, [bleep] that.
KHLOÉ: I know.

- Why're you even looking at it?
- I don't!

It's the [bleep] paparazzi
that's like--

I always get-- It's just an anxiousness.
- Oh [bleep] it, just everybody's--

- I know.

- But all you have to remember is
none of these things are about you.

Anybody that's like, "Ugh!"

it's only a representation
and a reflection of them.

- I know.
- That's it, that's it.

- You're so right.
- It's nothing to do with you.

KHLOÉ: You're right.
- What somebody thinks of you

is none of your business.
- I'm just gonna start crying.

- And how can anyone
judge anyone when they don't know them?

- Yeah.
- So, you, you become
something else in their mind,

and at various points,
people just go, "Blah."

But it doesn't matter.

These words only exist
if I give them any power.

They only exist to me
if I allow them to penetrate my core.

- Right. You're right.

- Look, you're drinking champagne
at 4 P.M. on a Monday and you're at work.

KRIS: Yeah.
- We've won.

- We've [bleep] won.

[laughs, cheers]

- All right, I'll see you down there.
- That was awesome.

- That was a great motivational speech.
- Now, let's go out and [bleep] it up!

- Let's go out and do
an endorsement for Candy Crush!
- Let's go [bleep] it up! Yeah!

- Yeah!

- This speech just makes me,

it sounds so corny,
but, like, warm and fuzzy.

I feel understood because
I know he's talking to me,

but I know he's had
this talk with himself.

- That was so sweet.
- Oh my god, did somebody tape that?

Oh. [laughs]
We need that on a loop.

WOMAN:
They're ready whenever you are.

- Do they have the new script,
do you know?

- Let's do it.
- All right, let's go. This way.

♪ Don't Forget To Breathe
by Vanacore Music playing ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[audience cheering, applauding]

DIRECTOR:
Khloé, you're on in three, two, one.

JAMES:
Khloé Kardashian is on the show!

♪

[cheering]

[all laughing]

- I am really proud of myself
for constantly putting myself out there.

[audience applauding]

And I will say that Malika is 100% right,

and sometimes I do have
to tell people just to [bleep] off.

[cheers]
- So, so fun!

- So, [bleep] off.

- To you.
- To you. To us.

BOTH:
To us.

- That's another one in the can, guys.

♪

♪ I feel so free, you and me ♪

♪ I don't care what people think ♪

♪ I am so free ♪

KRIS: Kourtney?
KOURTNEY: I'm outside!

- Outside? Okay.

Hi.
KOURTNEY: Hi, Mom.

- Everything looks so pretty.
- Oh my god, you haven't been here.

- What's goin' on? Uh, where's Reign?

- My kids aren't here today
'cause they're with Scott,

but Penelope will be here any minute.

- Okay.
How are your doctors going?

- Awful.
- What?

- Travis and I want to have a baby,

and so, my doctor took us
down this road of doing IVF,

and, like, it hasn't been
the most amazing experience.

Every single person on social media and--
is always like, "Kourtney's pregnant.

Kourtney's pregnant.
Kourtney's gained so much weight."

And I'm like,
it's so rude to comment on people

when you have no idea what
they're actually going through.

The medication that
they've been giving me,

they put me into menopause because--
- Menopause?

- Literally into menopause, and so, I'm--
- Based off of what? A drug?

- Yes.

I think because I'm so clean and careful
with what I put into my body,

it's just, like, having
the complete opposite reaction,

and is working as a contraceptive
instead of helping us.

The medication basically, like,
put me into depression.

- I feel like I--

- I've been--
- I've never seen you happier,

so that would, you know,
that would supri--

The depression thing surprised me.

- And I have everything
in the world to be happy about.

I just feel...

- Yeah, physically. Yeah.
- ...a little bit off and not like myself.

Super moody and hormonal.
Like, I'm a lunatic half the time.

And--
- Okay, well, I gotta go.

- And that's it.
- I think I have an appointment.

Even though Kourtney
has three beautiful children,

it doesn't make it hurt any less

if you're trying to have a baby
and you've been struggling.

I'll tell you that I got pregnant

in 1994...
- Mm-hm.

- ...and had a miscarriage,
and my body entirely shut down.

- Mm-hm.
- It stopped making anything.

I was moody and depressed,
and, you know, my-- I was bloated,

didn't feel well.
Everything you just described...

- Yeah.
- ...the exact same thing happened.

- I think that we want it so badly because
we want to make something together.

- Yeah, of course.
You wanna bring your own...

- Like our--
- ...baby, your own love into the world

in the way, you know,
that you know exactly how--

you both know how it feels to have a child
and how to bring a child into the world,

and now, you wanna do it
with the love of your life.

You'll have a beautiful baby.

Probably a year from now
we'll be sitting right here

and you'll be going...
- God willing.

- "Yeah, get the baby! It's crying!"

- God willing.
- That's right. You gotta claim that.

- Yep.

♪ Welcome to the future ♪

♪ Welcome to my future ♪

♪ Step into the new world ♪

♪ And welcome to my future ♪

KRIS: Isn't it beautiful?
The table's beautiful.

This would look good in your house.

- Yeah, it would.
[laughing]

- This is one of my favorite places,
I think, in the whole universe.

Khloé and I are building homes
next door to each other.

They're still under construction,
but they're getting close,

so it's time to shop for rugs
and we're here at this fabulous store.

Oh my god, it's such
a different vibe than my rugs.

I love it.
- Yeah, very different.

KRIS: I'm a little jelly.
- What are your, \what are your rugs?

- My rugs look like me... Vintage.
[laughing]

KHLOÉ: Oh yeah, that's not my thing.
KRIS: Not your vibe.

- No, but I will love to visit.
[laughs]

You look amazing.

- On every rug that you look at,
you have to do the roll test.

So, start at this end and roll that way.

So, do the roll test.
- Are you being serious?

- Yeah, you have to do--
- No, I'm wearing--

- You'll ruin your bun.
- My bun is, you know,

hairsprayed to the gods.

My mom, she will get down and dirty,
and she will do a carpet roll test.

She'll get down on her knees
and I'm sure do a handful of things,

but, you know, the roll test
is definitely one of them.

- You just have to lay here and just say,

"If I was laying on this carpet,
how would I feel?"

Look at the ceiling...
[people laughing]

lay down and meditate.

KHLOÉ:
Don't give me more anxiety.

KRIS: How great was James Corden
the other night?

- It was good. I mean, it's always good
doing those shows.

It's just normally the aftermath
that, like, stresses me out.

- Did you see the tweets?

- No, I don't check the tweets.

- You don't check the tweets ever?

I have to read you a tweet...

- Oh no.
- ...'cause it's really funny.

"Currently watching The Late Late Show.

Excited to see Khloé Kardashian
and get high."

[both laughing]

People are getting high to you.
- Well, that's nice.

- I mean, everyone just tweeting
and tweeting and tweeting.

- It was fun. I mean, he has--
'Cause we-- Talk shows--

Have-- You haven't been allowed
to be a guest, for a while.

- We were doing Zooms for a year.
- Yeah.

- For him to choose you to be
the first one back for a live audience...

- That's nice.
- ...is really special.

- Still get anxiety. It's not the host.

It's just normally the aftermath
and just hearing everyone's opinions.

And it-- I don't like that. Like--

- Well, you just have to learn
when to tur-- tune out the noise.

- Even, like, walking around here
and all the paparazzi,

I'm still thinking,
"God, and now, they're gonna--"

I don't know. You just, like--
If it's one wrong photo.

One thing-- I'm sitting somewhere
and they get so--

It's like-- Then they're like, "Ooh!

Look at her!"
It's, like, who said I had to be perfect?

Who said anything? Shut up.

- You are perfect to me.

- Thank you, but I don't care about that.
- But I'm your mommy.

- I don't even wanna be perfect.
- Listen...

- I like not being perfect.
- ...do you remember in the beginning,

years and years and years ago,

we started filming
Keeping up with the Kardashians, right?

Just all the wonderful things people said,
and how-- what an inspiration we were,

and how they looked up to you girls.

And one person would write and go,

"Listen, you look fat today, bitch."

And that one person
would ruin your whole day.

- That's how it goes.
- And you had 5,000 people tell you

how fantastic they--
you know, that you are,

or they, they felt great about you.

All you can do is get up every single day
and do the best you can,

love really hard, take care of your kids
and your family, you know?

- Amen.

- And I'm excited for you
to start a new chapter

in a new neighborhood,

in a beautiful brand-new house
that you designed yourself.

- It's gonna be healthy for me.

I think.
- I think so, too. [chuckles]

- I'm so excited,

and--
- We're gonna have chickens.

We're gonna have--
- What?

We didn't build the chicken coop.
- Oh, we didn't?

- No, they smell,
we decided at the end of the day.

- Oh, okay.
We're gonna have the time of our lives.

- I'm excited.
- I know.

♪ Get On My Level
by Vanacore Music playing ♪

♪ You already know ♪

♪ Hot girl, hot dressed like a subway ♪

- We are doing our first days of our promo
photoshoots at Saturday Night Live.

- Is she dressed? Can we go in there?
- She is dressed.

Let me just ch-- Let me-- We'll check.
- Okay, yeah. Okay.

♪ Let's go ♪

♪ I've been breakin' the rules ♪

♪ So tell me what you wanna do ♪

♪ Jump on in and let's cruise ♪

♪ I know you want to ♪

- It's pretty crazy.
I had my first table read yesterday

and we read, like, 40 or 50 scripts.

I've never done a table read before.

Everyone just started picking it up
and reading them so fast,

and people were having accents
and different, you know, energy,

and I had-- but I'm in every single skit
of what they presented.

[phone ringing]
Hello?

- Yeah, and I-- we already invited him.
I feel bad.

- I would totally disinvite for you.

- There's one pre-taped skit
that they wanted you and Khloé in,

but I think that it could
be Mom and Khloé,

and they're gonna make it in time.

They're gonna leave...
like a few hours earlier

just to get here in time and do that.

And it's honestly--
I think it's funnier when it's,

like, the cast playing us.

- Yeah, no, I totally get that.

- All right, well, I love you
and I'll call you later.

- Okay, bye.

- How did your lunch
with Amy go yesterday?

KIM:
It wasn't a lunch, but it was so good.

She's just so supportive, you know?

- What was her feedback on the monologue?
- She's just so funny.

Like, even when I hear her talk,

it's just, like-- It makes me wanna laugh.

Just hearing her voice and her tone.
- Yeah.

And then, what about the sex tape?
Are you gonna address it?

- I mean, I think I wanna say something.

I think I've been in this game
long enough to know

that, like, you just have to be yourself.

So, I wanna say things that feel
good coming out of my mouth,

and that, like, are things
I would, actually, say.

And so, I'm gonna s-- just go
with my gut and stick with it,

and do exactly what
I had planned on doing.

TRACY: Are you feeling anxious?
- I feel a little bit anxious right now.

I've been to SNL before,

but only, obviously, with Kanye
as, like, a musical guest.

I've never seen what
it's like to be a host.

I have to work a twenty-three-
and-a-half-hour day tomorrow.

I've never done that in my life, you guys.
I've never pulled an all-nighter.

No one gives you a second to breathe.
There's no lunch break.

Like, you just have
to take a bite of pizza.

Eat along the way.
Like, there's no breaks.

There's no nothing
Like, there's no time.

I've never experienced
anything like this before.

DIRECTOR:
Three, two.

- Hi, I'm Kim Kardashian West,

and I'm hosting SNL this week
with musical guest Halsey.

- So, Kim, are you nervous
about doing sketch comedy?

- Why, I don't have
to write sketches, do I?
- No.

- Memorize lines?
- No.

- They're on cue cards.

- Everyone else won't look
as good as me, will they?

- No, absolutely not.

- I just wanna make sure
that I focus enough

to do a really good job on SNL.

- Isn't this like a pinch
yourself moment, though?

Just remembering how far you've come.

I mean, there was
a moment where you, literally,

could not even get a fashion show invite.

- It's either flip-flops or Uggs
with a Juicy sweatsuit,

or a dress and heels.

- And 'member when your dream was like,

"I wanna be on the cover of Cosmo,"
and your publicist was like,

"Dream realistically."
- Yeah.

- And now you're hosting
Saturday Night Live.

- Yeah, no. That's, like, so crazy.

- During the part when I looked
on the screen and you were like,

"I'm Kim Kardashian West
and I'm hosting Saturday Night Live,"

[cries]
I, literally, just started bawling

'cause I remember,
like, 12 or 13 years ago,

when you were going on, like,
your first talk show, like as a guest,

and you, you were so excited,

and I got that vision,
and it's like, "Oh my god."

I was so proud of you.

- Don't make me cry before I go on camera.

- Okay, I'm crying.
TRACY: Oh my gosh. It's so true, though.

MARIO: It's so true.
Like, I literally got that vision.

Like, Saturday Night Live.
I'm just like, "Whoa."

KIM:
I love you.

Seeing Mario be really emotional

just reminds me of when his agency
told him not to work with me

'cause I was "just a reality star,"

and that, like, I wasn't going anywhere,

and he was never gonna have a career
if he was my makeup artist,

and he told them, basically,
to, like, go [bleep] themselves.

I get what he's saying, and I feel it.

I just, like, can't really cry
'cause I have makeup on.

So, I'm just not gonna
go there, but I feel it.

[laughs]

It's really, really crazy.

Don't make me cry.
- I know.

- I'm like, "I can't."

♪

- I am.

- I'm studying a little bit,
and I have to read my monologue,

so I'm just tryna do flashcards,
read my monologue.

Today, we had to be here at 5:30 A.M.
and I can't leave until 3:00 A.M.,

so it's, literally, almost a 24-hour day.

I was so tired this morning
doing one of the scenes,

and it was a pre-tape.

"All right, fine.
You can divorce me, but I need a lawyer.

Will you be my lawyer, fam?"

"No, Kanye."
"Fine.

Then you're not getting a penny, sorry."

"I have the prenup right here."

I'm always afraid
of hurting people's feelings,

and I would never go in there

making fun of, especially,
like, the father of my kids.

And it doesn't mean that
because we didn't work out

that we don't have, like, a great
love and respect for each other.

The divorce is so sensitive for him,

and so, I'm already saying
that part in the monologue.

I don't wanna, like, make--

I just-- Like, like,
maybe I could talk to Chris

and we could think
of something, like, funny,

and I could just tell him, like,

"Hey, this is super sensitive to him."

I know he'd wanna be a part of it.

I'm just saying... 'cause he'd love it,

but I just don't wanna like--
- Yeah, it shouldn't be dis--

It shouldn't, It shouldn't
be disrespectful to him.

LINDSAY:
So, so how 'bout this?

Let's put it on its feet,
see what it feels like,

and just know that we--
This is not unusual for us

to make line changes, lift things out.

Um, so let's-- Let me get the writers
and we'll work on that one.

♪ Move by Vanacore Music playing ♪

♪ Ooh-la-la-la ♪

♪ Catch me outside, I'm on my grind ♪

♪ Whoa, on my way ♪

♪

KRIS:
We are so excited to be in New York City.

We just are so happy
to be here to support Kim.

You know what?
I just wanna talk to you for two seconds--

- Okay, I'm just saying hi to my daughter.

- No, I'm just, I'm just
on a deadline here.

I just have two sec--
Can we call her right back?

- Oh, I, I love you, baby.
Gimme a kiss and I'm gonna go.

- Sir, can I ask you to leave
us alone for five minutes?

I just wanna do something real quick.
Thank you.

- When my mom wants
the driver out of the car

and to have a private conversation,

there's normally only a handful of things

that play through my head.

Did somebody [bleep] up?

Somebody's pregnant, there's a crisis.

Bye, baby.

KRIS:
'Kay, here we go.

Is his window rolled up?
- Yes, but the trunk is open.

- Close the trunk!

- So... you're yelling at a [bleep] guy--
- Close the trunk!

- Excuse me, sir, would you mind
closing the trunk for a moment?

Thank you so much.

It's not what you say,
it's how you say it.

- Hi.

TRAVIS [on phone]: Hi.
BOTH: Hi.

- So, I think we secured
the date you wanted.

TRAVIS: Really?
- Yeah, and I thought, maybe,

you could tell Khloé why you--

maybe, want us to all be
available next weekend.

- Don't even do this to me.
My heart is racing.

TRAVIS: So, yeah, the 17th is
the first day we ever hung out.

Like I told your mom, I've been, like,
madly in love with Kourtney forever,

and I believe she's my soulmate.

And I would like to propose--
- Oh my god, I'm gonna cry.

to her on the day that I met her,
or the day that I first was with her.

- Oh my god, I'm literally crying.
KRIS: I'm crying all over again.

Oh my god.
- Oh my god, I'm so happy for you guys.

- So, he called me last night
and he said, "I'd really like to--"

KHLOÉ: Oh my god. I'm so happy.

Ugh, just 'cause Kourt
is gonna be so happy.

I do not cry,
and I'm crying 'cause I'm happy,

and that's, like, really
[bleep] weird for me.

[laughing]

I don't really experience happy crying.

I don't know.
When I got engaged, I don't think I cried.

[laughs]

Oh my god, I can't handle this.
- He's, he's coming next weekend

to do Saturday Night Live,

and he bought her a ring
from Lorraine Schwartz...

- Oh my god!
- ...and the ring is ready.

And they're gonna fly
home Sunday morning...

- I'm having a panic attack, like--
- ...and thought we could all

be there to share.
- Oh my god.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I'm trying to, like--
Yeah, I think Santa Barbara's so good

' cause we go often
and she wouldn't suspect--

like, and if you guys were all there,
that's the surprise.

So, we, literally, land the 17th.

- We're so happy, we're so happy.
KHLOÉ: Oh my god. I'm so happy,

and I'm so happy to have you
be a part of our family and everything,

and we love you, and oh my god.

- Thank you. I lo-- I love your
guys' family, and I love Kourt,

and... I've never felt better,
more sure about anything in my life, so.

- To have this secret between
me and Khloé now, and Travis,

is really special for us
because we're so excited.

One of the biggest things
in her life... is about to happen,

and Kourtney has no idea.

Woo! Bye, Trav.
TRAVIS: Bye.

- I am not even so-- You know I don't--
- Isn't that the most amazing news--

- Oh my god. I'm just so happy
'cause she's never wanted

to get married or anything like that,
and I know she does now with him.

I know, I know. It's really exciting.
- And oh my god, I'm just gonna--

I'm gonna have a heart attack.

- Okay, we can go.
- I'm so excited.

Amazing.
KRIS: I know, isn't it crazy?

- Next on The Kardashians...

- Today is the day that I am
hosting Saturday Night Live.

[cheering, applauding]

All right, it's happening.

[audience cheering, applauding]

- Travis came to see me
and he asked for her hand in marriage.

- Is Scott gonna lose his shit?

- I'm just worried that they're
gonna see you guys on the freeway.

- My mom would be so pissed if Kylie and I
were the ones to ruin the surprise.

- You guys get off on the same exit
and it's a red light, you're screwed.

You'll be at the same exit.

- Ooh shit.
- Oh shit.

- Oh shit.

ALL:
Oh shit.

♪ Move by Vanacore Music playing ♪

♪ She's so fly, oh ♪

♪ Bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ I know what you want,
I got what you want ♪

♪ I know what you want,
I got what you want ♪

♪ Everybody move, get out my way ♪

♪ I don't got the time today ♪

♪

♪ Move, everybody move, I said move ♪

♪ Everybody move out my way, move ♪