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1
00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:29,739
One of my hobbies
is I collect dust.
2
00:00:33,785 --> 00:00:35,537
Are you from this country?
3
00:00:37,372 --> 00:00:40,542
I go around town
slashing tire prices.
4
00:00:44,128 --> 00:00:45,547
Do you get that?
5
00:00:47,131 --> 00:00:50,510
Do you know that Christmas song
"Do You Hear What I Hear?"
6
00:00:50,552 --> 00:00:52,053
Do you?
7
00:00:59,143 --> 00:01:00,520
You stopped laughing.
8
00:01:00,562 --> 00:01:02,063
You stopped laughing, sir.
9
00:01:02,897 --> 00:01:04,899
You got the idea,
there are no jokes.
10
00:01:07,652 --> 00:01:10,238
There's a kind of hush
all over this room.
11
00:01:11,489 --> 00:01:13,908
I'm addicted to
prescription glasses.
12
00:01:19,914 --> 00:01:22,750
And "20/20" wants to do
my life story.
13
00:01:24,252 --> 00:01:26,254
It gets wor-
A four-year-old wrote this.
14
00:01:34,846 --> 00:01:36,556
Thank you.
15
00:01:36,598 --> 00:01:38,516
No, I'm not leaving yet,
hold on.
16
00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:41,686
This is my stepladder.
17
00:01:41,728 --> 00:01:43,813
I never knew my real ladder.
18
00:01:51,362 --> 00:01:53,448
I heard great things
about my real ladder,
19
00:01:53,489 --> 00:01:55,950
that he supported three people
at one time.
20
00:01:58,202 --> 00:01:59,579
Last I heard, he's one-
21
00:01:59,621 --> 00:02:01,289
I fucked that up, too.
22
00:02:02,206 --> 00:02:04,792
The last I heard, he was in
a 12-step program.
23
00:02:07,295 --> 00:02:08,546
It really didn't matter.
24
00:02:08,588 --> 00:02:09,048
Oh, thank you.
25
00:02:15,928 --> 00:02:17,347
Anyway, I've had a lovely-
26
00:02:17,388 --> 00:02:19,058
That's it for me, thank you very
much, thank you very much.
27
00:02:31,319 --> 00:02:33,738
Anyway, with that,
I'm gonna bring up the man.
28
00:02:33,780 --> 00:02:35,281
Do you know the man?
29
00:02:35,323 --> 00:02:36,075
Mister who?
30
00:02:36,116 --> 00:02:38,118
Mr. Louie- who, what?
31
00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:41,746
Mr. Louis Prima? No.
Mr. Louis Armstrong? No.
32
00:02:41,788 --> 00:02:43,164
Mr. Louis C.K.!
33
00:02:43,206 --> 00:02:44,415
Here he is.
34
00:03:04,185 --> 00:03:05,520
Thank you.
35
00:03:11,734 --> 00:03:12,152
Oh.
36
00:03:14,195 --> 00:03:16,280
Oh, my God, you guys.
37
00:03:16,322 --> 00:03:18,158
Oh, my God,
thank you.
38
00:03:19,992 --> 00:03:21,661
This-
You guys...
39
00:03:21,703 --> 00:03:24,372
You guys are great, thank you.
40
00:03:26,541 --> 00:03:28,127
This is what I talk like now,
just so you know.
41
00:03:30,712 --> 00:03:33,631
I'm gonna do
the whole show like this.
42
00:03:33,673 --> 00:03:37,052
A really- a very offensive
stereotype...
43
00:03:39,637 --> 00:03:41,723
...of a Mexican.
44
00:03:41,764 --> 00:03:43,224
This is...
45
00:03:46,644 --> 00:03:48,312
This is a Mexican at the border.
46
00:03:48,354 --> 00:03:49,897
Just let me in!
47
00:03:51,733 --> 00:03:53,401
Jesus!
48
00:03:53,443 --> 00:03:54,569
He won't let me-
49
00:03:54,610 --> 00:03:57,447
You guys are dicks
in there, anyways!
50
00:03:59,699 --> 00:04:02,410
Fuck you, America!
51
00:04:06,247 --> 00:04:07,082
Was that too high up,
do you think?
52
00:04:10,293 --> 00:04:11,753
That's why I like-
I always like to stand
53
00:04:11,794 --> 00:04:13,421
just a little bit wrong,
you know?
54
00:04:13,463 --> 00:04:16,424
Just for my own entertainment,
instead of standing like this,
55
00:04:16,466 --> 00:04:19,635
just put it a little bit up
here, just so people are like-
56
00:04:19,677 --> 00:04:21,679
I don't know why
that bothers me.
57
00:04:23,264 --> 00:04:25,850
Especially if I'm somewhere
I don't like being, like CVS.
58
00:04:25,892 --> 00:04:27,393
You know, I hate CVS.
59
00:04:28,436 --> 00:04:29,104
But sometimes
you gotta go in there.
60
00:04:31,272 --> 00:04:34,692
That should be
their slogan, CVS.
61
00:04:36,277 --> 00:04:38,780
Sometimes
you gotta come in here. "
62
00:04:43,451 --> 00:04:46,246
Where else you gonna get
your wart Band-Aids
63
00:04:47,288 --> 00:04:50,541
and that stuff
for your dry vaginer?
64
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:54,213
Dry vaginer.
65
00:04:56,714 --> 00:04:59,842
I used to think
it was called a "vaginer. "
66
00:04:59,884 --> 00:05:03,930
I did, because I grew up
in Boston and the-
67
00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,140
I don't know
if you are familiar with-
68
00:05:05,182 --> 00:05:07,059
People call it
the Boston accent.
69
00:05:07,100 --> 00:05:09,352
It's not an accent.
70
00:05:09,393 --> 00:05:12,231
It's a whole city of people
saying most words wrong.
71
00:05:13,232 --> 00:05:17,902
It's just a stupidity
in a massive region.
72
00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:21,238
Because my teachers,
73
00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:21,496
they teach you
to talk like that.
74
00:05:21,531 --> 00:05:24,825
My teacher- I had a teacher
named Miss Daugherty,
75
00:05:24,867 --> 00:05:27,328
but she thought
her name was Mrs. Darrity.
76
00:05:28,245 --> 00:05:30,164
She mispronounced
her own name.
77
00:05:31,165 --> 00:05:32,833
Mrs. Darrity!
78
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:35,754
And she'd give us sex-ed-
This was fifth grade.
79
00:05:35,795 --> 00:05:38,172
We had sex ed with Mrs. Darrity,
80
00:05:38,213 --> 00:05:39,882
and she's showing us
the diagram, she's like,
81
00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:41,474
"This is a penis.
82
00:05:41,509 --> 00:05:45,262
"And this is a vaginer.
83
00:05:48,140 --> 00:05:51,644
"Now, during intercourse,
the man ejaculates sperm...
84
00:05:53,479 --> 00:05:54,564
"... up into the vaginer.
85
00:05:57,399 --> 00:05:59,047
"And then later,
86
00:05:59,082 --> 00:06:00,695
"a fucking baby...
87
00:06:04,448 --> 00:06:06,867
"... comes out of the vaginer.
88
00:06:07,951 --> 00:06:10,454
And sometimes it's 'retahded. '"
89
00:06:12,956 --> 00:06:14,291
This was the '70s.
90
00:06:14,333 --> 00:06:17,878
A teacher said "retahded"
in Boston in the '70s.
91
00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:20,464
"My daughter's retahded. "
92
00:06:20,499 --> 00:06:21,882
She used to tell us every day.
93
00:06:21,924 --> 00:06:25,302
"I have a daughter
and she's mentally retahded.
94
00:06:25,344 --> 00:06:29,348
"She's 35 and she lives
in my house.
95
00:06:29,390 --> 00:06:31,892
"She better be fucking retahded.
96
00:06:34,061 --> 00:06:36,897
I'm gonna stick her back up
in my vaginer. "
97
00:06:41,402 --> 00:06:43,738
So I thought it was called
a vaginer 'til I was, like, 25.
98
00:06:43,780 --> 00:06:46,240
And I remember thinking
it was, like-
99
00:06:46,281 --> 00:06:46,616
It's a vaginer, it's a-
100
00:06:46,658 --> 00:06:51,995
Like, a thing
that vagines, you know?
101
00:06:55,249 --> 00:06:55,625
Like, you use it to vagine-
102
00:06:55,667 --> 00:06:59,253
I gotta vagine my driveway.
103
00:06:59,294 --> 00:06:59,838
I don't know.
104
00:07:01,422 --> 00:07:02,841
I just gotta vagine
this new table I just made.
105
00:07:05,593 --> 00:07:07,762
That would make a nice table,
like, you make a new table
106
00:07:07,804 --> 00:07:11,348
and then you take the-
the 80-grit paper
107
00:07:11,390 --> 00:07:14,101
and you sand it,
and then 120,
108
00:07:14,143 --> 00:07:14,561
and then you go, "All right,
honey, get up there,"
109
00:07:14,602 --> 00:07:17,229
and she just...
110
00:07:19,314 --> 00:07:21,150
Like, an old-
111
00:07:21,191 --> 00:07:22,777
Like, one of those
Danish tables, or like a...
112
00:07:23,653 --> 00:07:24,696
Ooh.
113
00:07:24,737 --> 00:07:28,031
Nice old Italian table.
114
00:07:29,199 --> 00:07:29,784
"This table is-a very smooth
115
00:07:29,826 --> 00:07:35,122
"because, eh, my wife
have a very juicy pussy
116
00:07:35,164 --> 00:07:39,960
"and she vagine the table
and my family,
117
00:07:40,002 --> 00:07:41,713
we do this
for generations, we vagine. "
118
00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:48,135
All right.
119
00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:52,765
So I'm 47 now, and, uh...
120
00:07:52,807 --> 00:07:54,893
Yeah, I know, that's about
what it's worth.
121
00:07:57,311 --> 00:07:59,271
That's what it-
That's what that deserves.
122
00:07:59,313 --> 00:07:59,606
"Woo. "
123
00:08:00,565 --> 00:08:01,733
"Woo. "
124
00:08:04,067 --> 00:08:04,569
"Woo!"
125
00:08:04,611 --> 00:08:08,030
Yeah, 47 doesn't
buy you anything.
126
00:08:08,071 --> 00:08:11,074
18, you can vote,
21, you can drink,
127
00:08:11,116 --> 00:08:14,036
and 47, you can just-
Just keep doing whatever.
128
00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:14,579
Just do...
129
00:08:17,247 --> 00:08:19,082
Just keep being out of breath.
130
00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:25,214
One good thing is that
I've let go of any dream
131
00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:27,759
of getting in great shape,
like, it's like a relief.
132
00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:29,844
Just 'cause-
My whole life I've been like,
133
00:08:29,886 --> 00:08:31,930
well, someday, I should
really get in great shape.
134
00:08:31,971 --> 00:08:33,598
Now, I'm like, what?
Why would I do that?
135
00:08:33,640 --> 00:08:36,433
That's not gonna happen.
Just-
136
00:08:36,475 --> 00:08:38,227
To me, the bar,
the level I wanna reach
137
00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:39,854
as far as the shape I'm in,
I just want it to be
138
00:08:39,896 --> 00:08:43,106
so that if you find out
that I died,
139
00:08:43,148 --> 00:08:45,400
you ask "What happened?"
140
00:08:45,442 --> 00:08:46,611
That's all.
141
00:08:46,653 --> 00:08:48,530
I want you to wonder
what happened.
142
00:08:51,950 --> 00:08:53,785
I don't want it to be
like, "Oh, he died?"
143
00:08:53,826 --> 00:08:55,954
Oh, yeah, well, sure.
Sure he did.
144
00:08:55,995 --> 00:08:57,622
Sure he did.
145
00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:04,127
This'd be bigger news to you-
146
00:09:04,169 --> 00:09:05,462
Did you hear
Louie's still alive?
147
00:09:05,497 --> 00:09:07,089
Shit.
Oh, really?
148
00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:09,216
Oh, my God!
149
00:09:09,258 --> 00:09:12,469
Oh, my God, how?
150
00:09:12,504 --> 00:09:14,054
How?
151
00:09:15,807 --> 00:09:17,725
Some things change
when you get older.
152
00:09:17,767 --> 00:09:20,562
Like, I've reallocated some
of the noises that I make.
153
00:09:21,896 --> 00:09:25,440
Like, the noise
I used to make when I come
154
00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:26,901
is now the noise I make
when I pee.
155
00:09:32,740 --> 00:09:34,534
Oh... oh...
156
00:09:35,577 --> 00:09:37,704
Oh...
157
00:09:37,745 --> 00:09:39,747
Ah...
158
00:09:41,916 --> 00:09:43,918
Ahhh...
159
00:09:44,919 --> 00:09:47,005
Take it all, bitch.
160
00:09:52,134 --> 00:09:54,804
Very disrespectful
to my toilet, unfortunately.
161
00:09:54,846 --> 00:09:58,432
Yeah, you like that piss,
don't you?
162
00:09:58,473 --> 00:09:58,725
Bitch!
163
00:09:59,517 --> 00:10:02,604
I'm gonna shit in your mouth,
too, 'cause you ain't nothing
164
00:10:02,645 --> 00:10:06,524
but a shit-eatin',
piss-drinkin' toilet!
165
00:10:08,526 --> 00:10:11,445
Dumb bitch, toilet!
166
00:10:11,486 --> 00:10:13,322
You ain't intelligent.
167
00:10:13,531 --> 00:10:15,742
You ain't even been outside.
168
00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:20,120
You sit there waiting for me
to shit in your face.
169
00:10:20,622 --> 00:10:23,457
Got piss on your lips.
170
00:10:25,043 --> 00:10:26,586
You ain't even special.
171
00:10:26,628 --> 00:10:30,213
I pissed in three toilets today.
172
00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:31,090
You ain't shit.
173
00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:35,845
That's terrible.
174
00:10:35,887 --> 00:10:38,014
That's awful.
175
00:10:38,056 --> 00:10:39,807
But that's how my dad
treated his toilet,
176
00:10:39,849 --> 00:10:42,434
so that's where I learned it.
177
00:10:45,980 --> 00:10:48,357
It's a shame.
178
00:10:49,441 --> 00:10:52,235
So that's the noise
I make when I pee.
179
00:10:52,277 --> 00:10:53,655
And, uh, some of you
might be wondering-
180
00:10:53,696 --> 00:10:56,281
None of you are wondering...
181
00:10:58,408 --> 00:11:00,452
...what noise do I make
when I come.
182
00:11:00,494 --> 00:11:01,079
So this is the noise
I make when I come.
183
00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:03,915
I just go...
It is done!
184
00:11:03,956 --> 00:11:09,671
It's a whole thing with clouds
and lightning and crows.
185
00:11:10,797 --> 00:11:13,591
The circle is complete!
186
00:11:13,633 --> 00:11:15,551
It's kind of intense.
187
00:11:17,512 --> 00:11:20,389
And there's a little witch
with white eyes going,
188
00:11:20,430 --> 00:11:21,766
"And a child will be born!"
189
00:11:22,767 --> 00:11:24,018
I don't know.
190
00:11:29,272 --> 00:11:29,941
One time I was
having sex with a woman,
191
00:11:29,982 --> 00:11:32,110
it was our first time
having sex.
192
00:11:32,151 --> 00:11:35,530
Also turned out to be
our last time, but I wasn't-
193
00:11:35,571 --> 00:11:37,573
Didn't know that at the-
194
00:11:37,615 --> 00:11:39,742
Anyway, I was getting-
I was gonna come soon,
195
00:11:39,784 --> 00:11:42,704
so I felt like talking
about it, and...
196
00:11:42,745 --> 00:11:44,789
But I didn't know her very well.
197
00:11:44,831 --> 00:11:49,459
So it came out weird,
I said, "Oh, I'm cooming. "
198
00:11:53,881 --> 00:11:55,633
She's like, "What did you say?"
199
00:11:59,261 --> 00:12:00,555
'Cause I was back there.
That's why.
200
00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:03,015
That's why
she had to go like this.
201
00:12:03,057 --> 00:12:05,308
"What'd you say?
202
00:12:05,601 --> 00:12:07,603
What was that back there, chief?
What was that?"
203
00:12:12,315 --> 00:12:14,317
'Cause I'm always back there.
204
00:12:17,446 --> 00:12:19,031
That's a- that's a weird thing
to brag about.
205
00:12:19,073 --> 00:12:21,159
I'm always behind her.
206
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:24,502
Every time.
207
00:12:24,537 --> 00:12:26,748
So they don't see me crying.
208
00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:31,919
It's weird having sex
with a woman from behind
209
00:12:31,961 --> 00:12:33,921
'cause you don't know
what's going on the whole time
210
00:12:33,963 --> 00:12:36,215
and you get kinda paranoid.
211
00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:39,342
The whole time,
she might be like...
212
00:13:05,119 --> 00:13:06,621
I was on the subway in New York.
213
00:13:07,872 --> 00:13:11,374
This isn't another sex story.
214
00:13:13,376 --> 00:13:14,212
This is a traveling story.
215
00:13:15,046 --> 00:13:16,547
Are you ready?
216
00:13:18,049 --> 00:13:20,551
So I'm on the subway
and I'm standing there-
217
00:13:20,593 --> 00:13:22,762
I wasn't holding anything,
I just like to stand like this.
218
00:13:22,804 --> 00:13:25,388
I'm standing there.
219
00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:27,975
I walk around the city
like this.
220
00:13:28,017 --> 00:13:30,393
Hi.
221
00:13:30,561 --> 00:13:33,022
So I'm standing there and
from behind me over here,
222
00:13:33,064 --> 00:13:36,316
I hear this. I hear...
223
00:13:36,358 --> 00:13:38,443
And I was like, whew, okay.
224
00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:38,820
It's a crazy person.
225
00:13:38,861 --> 00:13:40,947
I mean, it's not a big surprise
in New York.
226
00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:42,615
Then I heard it again.
227
00:13:42,657 --> 00:13:43,699
I was like,
all right, I wanna see,
228
00:13:43,741 --> 00:13:47,494
I wanna see the crazy person.
I just wanna take a look.
229
00:13:47,529 --> 00:13:48,503
So I look over and
it's not what I expected.
230
00:13:48,538 --> 00:13:51,082
It wasn't a big homeless guy
with two sets of headphones
231
00:13:51,123 --> 00:13:52,625
that don't work
or anything like that.
232
00:13:53,584 --> 00:13:55,086
It was a...
233
00:13:56,587 --> 00:13:58,756
A young woman,
she looked like she was about 21
234
00:13:58,798 --> 00:14:01,383
and she's standing there,
she's very, kinda nice-
235
00:14:01,424 --> 00:14:01,717
Properly dressed.
236
00:14:01,759 --> 00:14:04,512
She was very, like,
Michigan-y or something.
237
00:14:04,554 --> 00:14:07,890
Very suburban-y, Michigan-y
kinda thing.
238
00:14:07,932 --> 00:14:10,268
And she's standing there
with her ponytail,
239
00:14:10,309 --> 00:14:11,727
and then all of a sudden,
she starts going like this,
240
00:14:11,769 --> 00:14:14,730
she goes...
241
00:14:14,772 --> 00:14:16,732
La-la la-la-la la-la!"
242
00:14:16,774 --> 00:14:19,359
And I realize, oh,
she's, like, a student,
243
00:14:19,401 --> 00:14:20,653
like, a singing music student,
244
00:14:20,695 --> 00:14:23,698
and she's doing her vocal
exercises on the subway.
245
00:14:23,739 --> 00:14:27,743
You know what?
It wasn't charming or nice.
246
00:14:27,785 --> 00:14:29,871
It was arrogant and rude,
247
00:14:29,912 --> 00:14:31,289
'cause she just had
this look like, it's-
248
00:14:31,330 --> 00:14:35,626
I'm so cool, 'cause I'm studying
music in New York City
249
00:14:35,668 --> 00:14:40,047
and I just do my thing
right on the subway every day.
250
00:14:40,089 --> 00:14:43,718
La-la la-la-la la-la, everybody!
251
00:14:45,970 --> 00:14:49,472
La-la la-la-la la-la,
tired nurse
252
00:14:49,507 --> 00:14:50,600
who just did a 14-hour shift!
253
00:15:01,719 --> 00:15:03,595
We live in an interesting time,
you know.
254
00:15:03,637 --> 00:15:05,222
'Cause you can be
on an airplane,
255
00:15:05,264 --> 00:15:07,224
you're like one
of 200 passengers.
256
00:15:07,266 --> 00:15:09,059
You're on a flight
30,000 feet in the air,
257
00:15:09,101 --> 00:15:10,185
and in the middle of the flight
258
00:15:10,227 --> 00:15:12,646
if you just decide to do this,
you're sitting in your seat
259
00:15:12,688 --> 00:15:14,148
and you just start going
like this, you go...
260
00:15:14,189 --> 00:15:15,649
Maaah!
261
00:15:16,317 --> 00:15:20,904
Maaah! Mahh!
262
00:15:22,489 --> 00:15:26,868
If you do that and
don't stop doing it,
263
00:15:26,903 --> 00:15:27,995
they will land the plane.
264
00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:36,045
You can will a plane
to the ground
265
00:15:36,086 --> 00:15:38,088
without a weapon or a threat.
266
00:15:41,342 --> 00:15:42,468
You don't even
have to do that much,
267
00:15:42,509 --> 00:15:45,179
you can just sit there and
just start going, "Down!
268
00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:48,432
Down!"
269
00:15:48,474 --> 00:15:50,642
Seriously, if you were
on a plane
270
00:15:50,684 --> 00:15:53,062
and you just didn't
stop saying "down. "
271
00:15:53,103 --> 00:15:54,813
"Down!
272
00:15:55,855 --> 00:15:56,273
Down!"
273
00:15:56,940 --> 00:15:59,234
"Sir, is there a problem?"
"Down!
274
00:15:59,276 --> 00:16:00,652
Down!"
275
00:16:02,446 --> 00:16:04,323
Fighter jets will appear-
276
00:16:04,365 --> 00:16:07,451
I mean, you're going
to the nearest airport.
277
00:16:08,327 --> 00:16:10,996
And then I guess
you're in trouble, but...
278
00:16:11,038 --> 00:16:13,415
What? They can't put you,
like, in prison
279
00:16:13,457 --> 00:16:17,127
because you said
"down" several times.
280
00:16:17,169 --> 00:16:18,886
They, like, bother you.
281
00:16:18,921 --> 00:16:20,422
"Why'd you do it?
Are you a terrorist?
282
00:16:20,464 --> 00:16:21,757
Why'd you do it?"
283
00:16:21,799 --> 00:16:24,635
"I just- I just didn't want
to be up anymore.
284
00:16:24,676 --> 00:16:26,428
"I just didn't like it.
285
00:16:26,470 --> 00:16:31,308
"I mean, I just said the word
of the- where I wanted to be.
286
00:16:31,350 --> 00:16:33,352
"You didn't have to do it.
287
00:16:35,312 --> 00:16:39,066
It was just a suggestion,
Jesus Christ. "
288
00:16:40,943 --> 00:16:43,904
I was on a plane once and there
was two babies on the plane.
289
00:16:43,946 --> 00:16:46,240
And other people,
it wasn't just...
290
00:16:48,534 --> 00:16:50,786
It wasn't just me
and two babies.
291
00:16:54,248 --> 00:16:55,916
That would be weird.
292
00:16:57,167 --> 00:16:59,420
You get on a plane,
there's just two babies.
293
00:17:07,094 --> 00:17:09,471
Come on, we're leaving soon.
294
00:17:10,931 --> 00:17:13,183
He's the pilot baby.
295
00:17:14,852 --> 00:17:16,854
I'm the other baby.
296
00:17:20,065 --> 00:17:22,109
No, that's all right,
I'm not gonna...
297
00:17:23,569 --> 00:17:25,612
You babies have a good flight,
298
00:17:25,654 --> 00:17:28,115
but I'm gonna find
another way to get there.
299
00:17:28,157 --> 00:17:30,534
Yeah, I don't like the way
this was starting.
300
00:17:34,079 --> 00:17:37,416
Anyway, I was on a plane
and there was these two babies
301
00:17:37,458 --> 00:17:39,001
and they were crying
the whole time,
302
00:17:39,042 --> 00:17:40,711
crying the whole flight,
and that happens a lot.
303
00:17:40,752 --> 00:17:43,547
I don't think they knew each
other, they were just crying.
304
00:17:43,589 --> 00:17:45,257
I've seen this
on so many flights,
305
00:17:45,299 --> 00:17:46,800
I started to wonder, is there
a reason for this?
306
00:17:46,842 --> 00:17:48,218
Is there, like,
an actual reason why babies-
307
00:17:48,260 --> 00:17:50,053
So I looked it up. Turns out,
there's an actual reason
308
00:17:50,095 --> 00:17:51,931
why babies cry on airplanes,
and it's because they're upset
309
00:17:52,973 --> 00:17:55,767
that gay people
are getting married.
310
00:17:55,809 --> 00:17:56,894
Yeah.
311
00:17:58,061 --> 00:18:00,940
They're, like, really upset.
312
00:18:01,982 --> 00:18:04,067
Like, inconsolably upset.
313
00:18:05,068 --> 00:18:06,445
Honey, it's-
The country's changing.
314
00:18:06,487 --> 00:18:07,821
Waah!
315
00:18:10,950 --> 00:18:13,035
And I don't agree with them.
316
00:18:13,076 --> 00:18:16,330
I think if people are in love,
they should get married.
317
00:18:16,371 --> 00:18:20,042
But they can't-
They can't accept that.
318
00:18:20,083 --> 00:18:22,419
'Cause they're just- You know,
they're just being babies.
319
00:18:26,089 --> 00:18:28,008
Babies are selfish.
320
00:18:28,050 --> 00:18:30,260
They are,
babies are selfish.
321
00:18:30,302 --> 00:18:32,471
They just, waah!
322
00:18:32,513 --> 00:18:35,349
No baby ever goes, "Waah,
but how you doing, though?"
323
00:18:40,604 --> 00:18:42,856
I have two daughters and both of
them at one time were babies
324
00:18:42,898 --> 00:18:43,900
and I held them
and they cried on planes.
325
00:18:43,942 --> 00:18:45,944
It's happened to me,
I've had a baby on a plane.
326
00:18:45,985 --> 00:18:48,779
If you're ever-
This is how selfish people are.
327
00:18:48,820 --> 00:18:50,364
When you're on a plane and
you hear a baby crying,
328
00:18:50,405 --> 00:18:52,407
you think that's
happening to you.
329
00:18:52,449 --> 00:18:55,786
You're like, "Ugh, this is
gonna ruin my flight!
330
00:18:55,827 --> 00:18:58,497
It's gonna ruin it!"
331
00:18:58,539 --> 00:19:01,166
Well, look at the parent,
'cause that person is holding
332
00:19:01,208 --> 00:19:03,502
a crying baby on a plane,
333
00:19:03,544 --> 00:19:07,089
which means they've been
traveling with a baby all day,
334
00:19:07,130 --> 00:19:11,802
which means they have
a baby, okay?
335
00:19:11,843 --> 00:19:14,263
So their life isn't even good.
336
00:19:15,722 --> 00:19:17,808
They don't like anything.
337
00:19:17,849 --> 00:19:20,686
Their whole life is,
ugh, Jesus!
338
00:19:22,563 --> 00:19:24,064
If there's any joy for them,
339
00:19:24,106 --> 00:19:28,068
it's that this is now
bothering other people.
340
00:19:28,110 --> 00:19:30,320
"Yeah, you listen
to this shit now!"
341
00:19:30,362 --> 00:19:32,364
Waah!
342
00:19:38,287 --> 00:19:40,247
I remember one time, my baby
was crying on the plane,
343
00:19:40,289 --> 00:19:41,582
she was really upset,
and this guy,
344
00:19:41,623 --> 00:19:42,708
some businessman
on the plane,
345
00:19:42,749 --> 00:19:44,251
'cause businessmen
always think that every flight
346
00:19:44,293 --> 00:19:46,712
is a private plane of theirs
347
00:19:46,753 --> 00:19:50,257
that we're all, like,
piggybacking on.
348
00:19:50,299 --> 00:19:52,051
And this guy has
his fucking newspaper
349
00:19:53,093 --> 00:19:53,928
and he turns around to look
at me and my baby
350
00:19:53,970 --> 00:19:56,430
and he looks right at me.
351
00:19:56,471 --> 00:19:57,681
He doesn't kinda, like,
go like this.
352
00:19:57,723 --> 00:19:59,017
He looks at me like, hmm?
353
00:19:59,058 --> 00:20:02,436
Like, could you?
354
00:20:04,438 --> 00:20:06,523
I'm like, "Oh, I'm sorry,
is this bothering you?
355
00:20:06,565 --> 00:20:07,899
Let me just... "
356
00:20:35,135 --> 00:20:37,554
You all just clapped
for a dead baby.
357
00:20:39,556 --> 00:20:41,558
You applauded a dead baby.
358
00:20:46,188 --> 00:20:48,607
I have two children.
359
00:20:48,649 --> 00:20:50,068
Uh, nine and 12 years old.
360
00:20:50,109 --> 00:20:52,319
Both girls.
361
00:20:52,361 --> 00:20:54,072
Uh, they're both gay.
362
00:20:54,113 --> 00:20:56,365
Um...
363
00:20:57,407 --> 00:20:57,992
I'm raising 'em gay.
364
00:21:00,494 --> 00:21:01,662
Most people
raise their kids straight,
365
00:21:01,703 --> 00:21:03,497
I'm just gonna raise mine gay.
366
00:21:03,538 --> 00:21:06,667
Maybe they'll do what
they want later, but, uh,
367
00:21:06,708 --> 00:21:09,336
as long as they're in
my house, they're gay.
368
00:21:14,341 --> 00:21:16,052
I tell 'em every day,
you're gay, honey, good night.
369
00:21:16,094 --> 00:21:17,970
Go to bed.
370
00:21:18,012 --> 00:21:21,306
Brush your gay teeth,
gay honey.
371
00:21:24,418 --> 00:21:27,253
Don't forget to be gay.
372
00:21:32,175 --> 00:21:33,427
Having children
is a big responsibility
373
00:21:33,469 --> 00:21:36,514
and I've never really done
very well at it.
374
00:21:36,555 --> 00:21:39,015
I've made a lot of mistakes.
375
00:21:39,057 --> 00:21:40,274
Some of them big, some of them
small, you know?
376
00:21:40,309 --> 00:21:44,729
Like, I'm still a person,
I still am an idiot, you know,
377
00:21:44,771 --> 00:21:47,190
still, like, I-
I got high one night,
378
00:21:47,232 --> 00:21:49,692
I got really high, because
I don't do drugs.
379
00:21:49,734 --> 00:21:52,028
I never do drugs, never.
380
00:21:52,070 --> 00:21:54,239
So that when I do...
381
00:21:55,865 --> 00:21:57,617
...they're way more fun.
382
00:21:59,285 --> 00:22:00,912
To me, that's my best advice
about drugs.
383
00:22:00,954 --> 00:22:03,790
If you want to enjoy drugs,
never do them, never.
384
00:22:03,832 --> 00:22:07,961
Because then when you do,
they're actually fun.
385
00:22:08,002 --> 00:22:09,671
'Cause when drugs
are a part of your life,
386
00:22:09,712 --> 00:22:12,632
they're just another pain
in the ass in your life.
387
00:22:12,674 --> 00:22:15,718
It's just a, ugh, my drugs suck.
388
00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:17,762
I don't want to have
that problem.
389
00:22:19,806 --> 00:22:21,975
I always want to be that person
where it's a new thing,
390
00:22:22,016 --> 00:22:23,226
somebody's like,
hey, you wanna try this?
391
00:22:23,268 --> 00:22:24,811
And I'm like, oh!
392
00:22:24,853 --> 00:22:26,896
I don't know if I should.
393
00:22:26,938 --> 00:22:29,232
This is crazy.
394
00:22:29,274 --> 00:22:31,109
I don't even know
how I'm gonna do it.
395
00:22:31,151 --> 00:22:32,944
I mean, what is this?
396
00:22:36,739 --> 00:22:39,242
Anyway, I got-
My friend had the little vape-
397
00:22:39,284 --> 00:22:39,577
I'm a little worried, honestly,
398
00:22:39,618 --> 00:22:41,412
by the young people
with the vaping
399
00:22:41,453 --> 00:22:45,665
and they just do this
and then they just vape.
400
00:22:45,707 --> 00:22:48,918
And they just stand
on the corner and puff
401
00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:51,547
and look at the fucking thing
and I miss- I miss you.
402
00:22:51,589 --> 00:22:53,465
That's what it is,
I miss you people,
403
00:22:53,507 --> 00:22:55,551
'cause you used
to stand around like this
404
00:22:55,593 --> 00:22:57,428
and I get to go,
"I'd fuck that one,
405
00:22:57,469 --> 00:22:59,270
and that one's okay,"
but now I don't even-
406
00:22:59,305 --> 00:23:01,390
I'm just looking at the top
of people's heads now.
407
00:23:01,432 --> 00:23:04,225
But I didn't realize
how, like, my friend-
408
00:23:04,267 --> 00:23:05,276
I have a younger friend
who vapes
409
00:23:05,311 --> 00:23:08,688
and she told me it's just
to kinda, like, calm her.
410
00:23:08,730 --> 00:23:09,398
She's like, I barely feel it,
you know.
411
00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:10,482
Sometimes it helps me sleep.
412
00:23:10,524 --> 00:23:13,193
So one night, we're hanging out
and I'm like, I'm gonna go home
413
00:23:13,234 --> 00:23:14,819
and go to sleep,
but I mean, I'll just try it,
414
00:23:14,861 --> 00:23:15,404
so I took one little tiny hit.
415
00:23:15,446 --> 00:23:18,657
I was insane,
I was completely insane.
416
00:23:19,699 --> 00:23:22,118
I was in my house, I couldn't
even walk past a window,
417
00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:22,578
I had to go under the windows,
418
00:23:22,620 --> 00:23:26,457
'cause I was afraid of
the inside of my own brain.
419
00:23:30,710 --> 00:23:32,795
So I started texting people,
just being-
420
00:23:32,837 --> 00:23:36,550
Just texting, "I'm so high.
I'm so fucking high.
421
00:23:36,592 --> 00:23:39,268
I'm so high," and I texted,
you know, another friend.
422
00:23:39,303 --> 00:23:44,057
"I'm so high I want to suck
the pot jizz out of my own dick
423
00:23:44,098 --> 00:23:45,183
and get higher. "
424
00:23:45,225 --> 00:23:45,684
That's what I wrote.
425
00:23:46,726 --> 00:23:48,853
I'm not bragging, I'm just
telling you that's what I wrote.
426
00:23:48,895 --> 00:23:50,230
And I sent it.
427
00:23:52,023 --> 00:23:53,942
And then later, I looked
at my text and I was, like,
428
00:23:53,983 --> 00:23:56,736
I think I might have sent that
to my 12-year-old daughter.
429
00:23:56,778 --> 00:23:57,613
I think it's possible.
430
00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:02,930
And I didn't,
but I too easily could've.
431
00:24:02,965 --> 00:24:05,621
We need- Now my kids
are in my phone.
432
00:24:05,663 --> 00:24:09,416
There needs to be
some very reliable firewall
433
00:24:09,458 --> 00:24:13,920
that says, these numbers
are much harder to text,
434
00:24:13,962 --> 00:24:15,673
that you can't just, whoops!
435
00:24:15,714 --> 00:24:18,967
Traumatized her irreversibly!
436
00:24:20,427 --> 00:24:23,597
That you can go, like,
to write to these numbers,
437
00:24:23,639 --> 00:24:29,018
I have to solve the Hellraiser
puzzle and I have to...
438
00:24:29,060 --> 00:24:32,772
There's two guys with the keys
in the opposite room
439
00:24:32,814 --> 00:24:34,358
that turn them
at the same moment
440
00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:35,734
and there's a warning.
441
00:24:38,111 --> 00:24:39,697
"Are you sure you want
to send this picture
442
00:24:39,738 --> 00:24:43,199
"of your pubic hair
443
00:24:43,241 --> 00:24:44,660
to your ex-wife's mother?"
444
00:24:46,370 --> 00:24:48,372
That's how you want
to break the silence
445
00:24:48,414 --> 00:24:52,292
of six years since the divorce.
446
00:24:54,252 --> 00:24:54,503
"This is my pubic hair.
447
00:24:54,545 --> 00:24:56,630
"Look at all of my pubic hair.
448
00:24:56,672 --> 00:24:59,257
How have you been?"
449
00:25:05,805 --> 00:25:06,640
I try to be a good dad,
but, you know, like-
450
00:25:06,682 --> 00:25:10,059
life just kinda takes off
and kids start, you know,
451
00:25:10,101 --> 00:25:11,437
they got their own ideas
and they're-
452
00:25:11,478 --> 00:25:14,981
My nine-year-old, she's just
figuring out about lying
453
00:25:15,023 --> 00:25:15,524
and that's a tough thing.
454
00:25:15,566 --> 00:25:17,484
It's hard to roll that one back,
455
00:25:17,526 --> 00:25:23,407
because lying is pretty
amazingly useful in life.
456
00:25:23,449 --> 00:25:26,826
It's like, how do you tell a kid
not to use a thing
457
00:25:26,868 --> 00:25:31,080
that just solves every
possible problem, like magic?
458
00:25:31,582 --> 00:25:32,624
How do you...
459
00:25:33,625 --> 00:25:35,419
'Cause that's why- Kids lie
'cause they're in trouble.
460
00:25:35,461 --> 00:25:37,671
They lie 'cause they're in more
trouble than they can take,
461
00:25:37,713 --> 00:25:39,964
you know?
'Cause kids...
462
00:25:40,006 --> 00:25:40,674
Nine-year-old, when
a nine-year-old lies,
463
00:25:40,716 --> 00:25:45,094
it's not for some weird
Machiavellian, you know...
464
00:25:45,136 --> 00:25:46,929
"Do you know what my teacher
said about you?
465
00:25:46,971 --> 00:25:47,389
It was interesting. "
466
00:25:47,431 --> 00:25:51,017
They don't just make shit up.
467
00:25:51,352 --> 00:25:52,603
They lie because
they're in trouble
468
00:25:52,644 --> 00:25:53,771
and it's more than they can-
469
00:25:53,812 --> 00:25:55,647
'Cause trouble
is too much for a kid.
470
00:25:55,689 --> 00:25:57,775
Trouble- For grown-ups,
we can take trouble.
471
00:25:57,816 --> 00:26:01,110
We don't care.
We just go, oh, I'm sorry.
472
00:26:01,152 --> 00:26:02,571
Oh, am I in trouble?
473
00:26:02,613 --> 00:26:06,157
Oh, whoops!
474
00:26:06,199 --> 00:26:08,910
We don't care.
475
00:26:08,951 --> 00:26:12,080
But to a little kid, trouble is
like this horrible...
476
00:26:12,121 --> 00:26:14,290
Did you take the chocolate?
477
00:26:19,505 --> 00:26:23,174
And she did and she doesn't know
how to handle it.
478
00:26:23,216 --> 00:26:23,300
Did you-
479
00:26:23,342 --> 00:26:25,386
Did you take it?
480
00:26:30,890 --> 00:26:32,058
"No. "
481
00:26:32,810 --> 00:26:35,479
Well, all right, then,
have a nice day.
482
00:26:44,153 --> 00:26:46,072
How do you then tell her,
yeah, don't ever apply
483
00:26:46,114 --> 00:26:49,326
that perfect solution again,
to terrifying things.
484
00:26:51,745 --> 00:26:54,748
Mark Twain once said, "A man
who always tells the truth
485
00:26:54,790 --> 00:26:57,459
doesn't have to remember
what he said. "
486
00:26:57,501 --> 00:26:58,836
And that's great.
487
00:26:58,877 --> 00:27:01,839
But Mark Twain also said,
"There once was a big black guy
488
00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:04,341
named Nigger Jim. "
So...
489
00:27:05,342 --> 00:27:07,344
I don't know if...
490
00:27:07,386 --> 00:27:10,764
...a hundred percent
of the things he said
491
00:27:10,806 --> 00:27:12,599
were perfectly awesome.
492
00:27:18,187 --> 00:27:19,731
Really, Mark? Nigger Jim,
you're gonna go with?
493
00:27:19,773 --> 00:27:22,776
That's the best you can do,
to name the-
494
00:27:22,818 --> 00:27:25,571
It's got kind of a nice ring
to it, Nigger Jim.
495
00:27:25,612 --> 00:27:28,615
Yeah, well, it's a little
on the nose, isn't it?
496
00:27:31,117 --> 00:27:33,370
Could've called him Black Mike,
I mean, just a little...
497
00:27:34,455 --> 00:27:38,082
Take it down
one notch of the...
498
00:27:38,124 --> 00:27:39,959
Thanks for that, Mark.
499
00:27:44,281 --> 00:27:45,824
Anyway.
500
00:27:45,866 --> 00:27:48,869
So, while we're in this area...
501
00:27:50,203 --> 00:27:51,872
Now that I know
you guys are cool.
502
00:27:51,913 --> 00:27:54,456
No, no.
503
00:27:54,498 --> 00:27:54,708
No.
504
00:28:01,672 --> 00:28:03,424
No. Um...
505
00:28:03,465 --> 00:28:04,508
No, no.
506
00:28:04,550 --> 00:28:04,718
But, uh- but, uh...
507
00:28:04,759 --> 00:28:06,177
but... but...
508
00:28:10,598 --> 00:28:10,891
This is a story
that takes place-
509
00:28:10,932 --> 00:28:13,018
I'm gonna tell you this story,
it's kind of a messy story.
510
00:28:13,059 --> 00:28:15,103
It takes place over a lot
of years, 'cause it start-
511
00:28:15,145 --> 00:28:17,856
It started with my friend Mike,
who told me this story.
512
00:28:17,898 --> 00:28:20,275
This happened to him
back in the '90s.
513
00:28:20,317 --> 00:28:24,070
He was going home for Christmas
and he lives in Connecticut-
514
00:28:24,112 --> 00:28:27,324
He grew up in Connecticut
in some shitty shit town
515
00:28:27,365 --> 00:28:30,160
in shitty, shitty Connecticut,
516
00:28:30,201 --> 00:28:33,537
and he didn't like going home.
517
00:28:33,579 --> 00:28:34,164
He's one of those people.
He came from a place-
518
00:28:34,205 --> 00:28:36,582
Doesn't like it anymore.
And he goes back-
519
00:28:36,624 --> 00:28:38,500
He doesn't know how
to handle his family, you know,
520
00:28:38,542 --> 00:28:40,045
and he came from a family
of white racists
521
00:28:40,086 --> 00:28:42,255
and he doesn't like going home,
but it's still home,
522
00:28:42,297 --> 00:28:44,382
so he went home
for Christmas one year
523
00:28:45,424 --> 00:28:47,509
and everybody's hanging out
during the day, talking,
524
00:28:47,551 --> 00:28:49,637
having lunch,
and his father and his brother
525
00:28:49,678 --> 00:28:50,096
both work at this factory
526
00:28:50,138 --> 00:28:52,140
and his brother's grousing
about his day at work
527
00:28:52,182 --> 00:28:54,642
and he goes, "Yeah,
and then this fucking nigger
528
00:28:54,683 --> 00:28:55,185
fell asleep at the forklift. "
529
00:28:55,226 --> 00:28:59,647
And then my friend Mike heard
that and he went, "Oh, God.
530
00:28:59,688 --> 00:29:01,316
Why am I part of these people?
I hate this. "
531
00:29:01,358 --> 00:29:02,699
And he felt bad.
532
00:29:02,734 --> 00:29:05,611
And then that night,
he's in the kitchen
533
00:29:05,653 --> 00:29:08,239
and he's having a warm milk
or whatever and he...
534
00:29:08,281 --> 00:29:10,033
I don't know why that's-
535
00:29:10,075 --> 00:29:12,202
I don't know
why that's funny, but...
536
00:29:12,243 --> 00:29:13,328
What that says about him.
537
00:29:13,370 --> 00:29:15,038
Yeah, 'cause he's a pussy.
538
00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:16,671
No.
539
00:29:16,706 --> 00:29:19,458
He's just sort of having
some time to himself
540
00:29:19,500 --> 00:29:20,168
and his cousin comes downstairs,
who's staying-
541
00:29:20,210 --> 00:29:22,461
And his cousin,
he likes his cousin.
542
00:29:22,503 --> 00:29:23,421
That's the one person
he always felt connected with,
543
00:29:24,463 --> 00:29:24,965
and his cousin's like,
"What's wrong, man?"
544
00:29:25,006 --> 00:29:27,384
And he says, "Well, jeez,
I come home and I hoped
545
00:29:27,425 --> 00:29:29,094
"that everything would be,
you know, normal,
546
00:29:29,135 --> 00:29:31,888
"but then, my brother says,
uhh, he's at the factory
547
00:29:31,930 --> 00:29:34,140
and this nigger
fell asleep at the forklift. "
548
00:29:34,182 --> 00:29:35,976
And his cousin goes,
"Oh, my God,
549
00:29:36,017 --> 00:29:38,186
the nigger fell asleep
at the forklift?"
550
00:29:41,189 --> 00:29:42,732
So this is the first part
of the story, okay?
551
00:29:42,774 --> 00:29:44,699
So Mike tells me that story
552
00:29:44,734 --> 00:29:47,737
about how he's just not listened
to by anybody in his family,
553
00:29:47,779 --> 00:29:51,699
and then later on, I get
a job writing on a TV show
554
00:29:51,734 --> 00:29:51,866
for Cedric the Entertainer.
555
00:29:51,908 --> 00:29:55,661
Great guy, and he had a show
and he hired a writing staff,
556
00:29:55,696 --> 00:29:56,955
half white writers,
half black writers.
557
00:29:56,997 --> 00:29:59,165
So at lunchtime, we talk
about race, it was just a-
558
00:29:59,207 --> 00:30:02,584
We'd have these provocative,
interesting conversations,
559
00:30:02,626 --> 00:30:03,878
trading notes about race,
the white writers
560
00:30:03,920 --> 00:30:05,922
and the black writers,
and I told that story.
561
00:30:05,964 --> 00:30:07,257
I told the whole thing
about the guy,
562
00:30:07,298 --> 00:30:09,426
"Uhh, nigger and the forklift,"
And then the cousin saying,
563
00:30:09,467 --> 00:30:10,760
"Uhh, the nigger
at the forklift!"
564
00:30:10,802 --> 00:30:14,596
And then one of the writers,
a black writer,
565
00:30:14,638 --> 00:30:14,973
he goes,
"There's nothing worse
566
00:30:15,015 --> 00:30:17,767
"than a nigger falling asleep
at the forklift,
567
00:30:20,937 --> 00:30:23,398
making it harder
for the rest of us. "
568
00:30:26,525 --> 00:30:28,278
Still, nobody is quite hearing
569
00:30:28,319 --> 00:30:32,573
what my friend
was going through.
570
00:30:35,160 --> 00:30:38,121
And then, about a year later,
571
00:30:38,163 --> 00:30:39,956
I'm hanging out
with my friend Dino.
572
00:30:39,998 --> 00:30:41,041
Dino is Greek.
573
00:30:41,082 --> 00:30:44,543
He has no dog in the race,
he doesn't care either way.
574
00:30:44,585 --> 00:30:46,004
He's Greek. Greeks aren't
white or black, they're just-
575
00:30:46,046 --> 00:30:48,214
He's just got a big nose
and he just stands there.
576
00:30:52,969 --> 00:30:55,930
And I told Dino the whole story,
I told him about the guy,
577
00:30:55,972 --> 00:30:58,099
"Uhh, the forklift,"
and the guy, "Uhh!"
578
00:30:58,141 --> 00:31:01,602
And then the black writer-
579
00:31:01,643 --> 00:31:04,230
And then Dino says, "How do
you fall asleep at a forklift?"
580
00:31:14,991 --> 00:31:18,660
My oldest daughter is gonna be
13 next year, that's a big deal.
581
00:31:18,695 --> 00:31:18,745
That's a big deal.
That's-
582
00:31:18,787 --> 00:31:20,789
All the parents ahead of you
always go, like, yeah.
583
00:31:20,830 --> 00:31:25,752
Yeah,
wait 'til she...
584
00:31:25,794 --> 00:31:29,588
That's when you...
585
00:31:31,007 --> 00:31:32,342
I'm not afraid
of her teenagehood.
586
00:31:32,383 --> 00:31:33,885
It's gonna be challenging
and difficult
587
00:31:33,927 --> 00:31:35,553
and she'll meet
the challenges, you know.
588
00:31:36,595 --> 00:31:37,931
I'm always proud of my kid.
She's a good kid.
589
00:31:37,972 --> 00:31:39,808
Now, some parents are really
afraid of their daughters.
590
00:31:39,849 --> 00:31:43,061
A lot of dads get scared, like,
I don't know what to do.
591
00:31:43,103 --> 00:31:44,562
I have this friend,
his daughter's 15,
592
00:31:45,604 --> 00:31:46,815
he's like, "She's gonna
start having sex!
593
00:31:46,856 --> 00:31:48,817
"I don't know what to do!
594
00:31:48,858 --> 00:31:51,528
She's gonna have sex,
what do I do?"
595
00:31:51,569 --> 00:31:53,905
I'm like, well,
you don't do anything.
596
00:31:53,947 --> 00:31:56,199
You don't have a role
in that at all.
597
00:31:56,241 --> 00:31:58,993
You're her father.
No role.
598
00:31:59,035 --> 00:32:02,247
Not supportive
or advisory, nothing.
599
00:32:05,208 --> 00:32:07,377
"But what if she has a bad
sexual experience?"
600
00:32:07,418 --> 00:32:10,296
Oh, she's gonna have
a number of those.
601
00:32:10,338 --> 00:32:12,715
Oh, yes, she is.
602
00:32:12,757 --> 00:32:14,300
Her whole life
is gonna be just walking
603
00:32:14,342 --> 00:32:17,929
through a blizzard of bad dicks,
just...
604
00:32:19,430 --> 00:32:21,640
Ow!
605
00:32:21,682 --> 00:32:22,934
Dicks, just-
606
00:32:22,976 --> 00:32:24,727
Jesus.
What the fuck?
607
00:32:24,769 --> 00:32:25,854
That was a big one.
608
00:32:25,895 --> 00:32:27,981
Holy fuck, I'm just
trying to get to work.
609
00:32:40,285 --> 00:32:41,452
The little one,
the nine-year-old,
610
00:32:41,494 --> 00:32:42,669
life's a little simpler.
611
00:32:42,704 --> 00:32:45,582
Tap dancing, she takes
tap dancing lessons.
612
00:32:45,623 --> 00:32:48,209
We started her with tap dancing,
because we figure
613
00:32:48,251 --> 00:32:51,004
by the time she grows up,
it'll be the 1930s again,
614
00:32:51,045 --> 00:32:52,630
and, uh, yeah.
615
00:32:53,672 --> 00:32:54,966
She'll have this thing
she can do
616
00:32:55,008 --> 00:32:57,093
that nobody enjoys watching.
617
00:32:58,386 --> 00:33:00,388
Do you know who the audience is
for tap dancing?
618
00:33:00,430 --> 00:33:03,016
The parents of
tap dancing students.
619
00:33:03,057 --> 00:33:04,851
That's all of it.
620
00:33:04,893 --> 00:33:06,144
'Cause we all have
to go to the show
621
00:33:06,186 --> 00:33:09,522
at the end of
the tap dancing semester,
622
00:33:09,564 --> 00:33:11,191
and they have a big theater show
623
00:33:11,232 --> 00:33:12,567
and all the kids get up there,
624
00:33:12,609 --> 00:33:15,320
they all tap dance
in groups of threes.
625
00:33:15,361 --> 00:33:18,198
There's about 6,000 kids.
626
00:33:18,239 --> 00:33:20,700
They do about 20 minutes each.
627
00:33:20,742 --> 00:33:23,453
So the show's about
seven months long,
628
00:33:23,494 --> 00:33:26,623
and everybody dies at the end.
629
00:33:26,664 --> 00:33:28,625
But you go because you want
to see your kid tap dance,
630
00:33:28,666 --> 00:33:30,460
'cause that's an amazing thing,
631
00:33:30,501 --> 00:33:33,630
'cause this was a baby,
she was just a baby.
632
00:33:33,671 --> 00:33:35,256
She was just like...
633
00:33:35,840 --> 00:33:38,134
That's it.
And now she's going like this.
634
00:33:40,553 --> 00:33:42,305
It's amazing.
635
00:33:42,347 --> 00:33:44,641
But you gotta watch
all those other kids
636
00:33:44,682 --> 00:33:46,392
that you don't love at all.
637
00:33:48,853 --> 00:33:50,939
And you gotta watch people,
grown-ups do it.
638
00:33:50,980 --> 00:33:52,190
There's grown-up-
639
00:33:52,232 --> 00:33:54,192
Adult students,
and they get up there.
640
00:33:54,234 --> 00:33:56,945
Get off!
Nobody's here to see you!
641
00:33:56,986 --> 00:33:58,112
Nobody!
642
00:33:58,154 --> 00:34:00,406
Your parents are dead,
you're 52!
643
00:34:03,076 --> 00:34:06,079
Nobody came from work.
Nobody came from work.
644
00:34:12,418 --> 00:34:16,256
I take her every- every
Thursday to tap dancing
645
00:34:16,297 --> 00:34:19,884
and we go up to the school and
she puts on her tap shoes
646
00:34:19,926 --> 00:34:21,427
and she goes in the little room.
647
00:34:21,469 --> 00:34:24,806
I don't go in there, and she
tap dances and I wait outside,
648
00:34:24,847 --> 00:34:28,017
because it's 40 minutes, it's
not enough time to go anywhere.
649
00:34:28,059 --> 00:34:31,562
So I just sit there and listen
to...
650
00:34:33,314 --> 00:34:35,316
And then she comes out.
"I don't- I'm tired of this.
651
00:34:35,358 --> 00:34:36,401
I don't want to go anymore. "
652
00:34:36,442 --> 00:34:38,444
Good, don't.
I don't want to bring you.
653
00:34:38,486 --> 00:34:41,489
Quit. Quit.
654
00:34:41,531 --> 00:34:42,573
I don't care.
655
00:34:42,615 --> 00:34:44,867
I don't push my kids
into this shit.
656
00:34:44,909 --> 00:34:46,202
'Cause you gotta do it, too.
657
00:34:46,244 --> 00:34:48,204
I don't wanna do it.
658
00:34:48,246 --> 00:34:50,039
"Daddy, I'm tired of soccer. "
659
00:34:50,081 --> 00:34:53,209
Soccer is out of our lives
forever,
660
00:34:53,251 --> 00:34:56,254
with those words
from thine mouth.
661
00:34:56,296 --> 00:34:58,006
Soccer is gone.
662
00:34:58,047 --> 00:34:59,507
I don't care-
Don't go to school,
663
00:34:59,549 --> 00:35:01,301
I don't want to get up at 7:00.
664
00:35:02,635 --> 00:35:05,263
Don't do any of this shit,
honey. I don't care.
665
00:35:05,305 --> 00:35:08,474
I have money, just eat
the food in the house.
666
00:35:09,309 --> 00:35:09,727
Stay home and eat.
667
00:35:12,145 --> 00:35:13,563
You and your sister,
don't have kids,
668
00:35:13,604 --> 00:35:15,815
I can cover all of us
and then we all die.
669
00:35:23,156 --> 00:35:23,706
That's my goal.
670
00:35:23,741 --> 00:35:26,826
I want to make enough money
that we can just lock the door
671
00:35:26,868 --> 00:35:28,494
and eat the food.
672
00:35:28,536 --> 00:35:28,787
That's it.
673
00:35:31,372 --> 00:35:32,623
"Daddy, what are we
doing today?"
674
00:35:32,665 --> 00:35:35,251
Go to the food room and pick
something out and go to bed.
675
00:35:37,337 --> 00:35:39,172
That's all
that's required of you.
676
00:35:40,840 --> 00:35:43,843
People- People overthink
this life shit.
677
00:35:43,885 --> 00:35:45,636
People get all knotted up.
678
00:35:45,678 --> 00:35:47,972
"I don't know what to do
with my life.
679
00:35:48,014 --> 00:35:51,142
"Like, I don't know, like,
what I should be, or, like...
680
00:35:51,184 --> 00:35:53,519
"I don't know, it's like...
681
00:35:53,561 --> 00:35:55,563
What should I, like, do?
682
00:35:55,605 --> 00:35:58,566
With my-
With, like, my life?"
683
00:36:00,568 --> 00:36:03,196
Just get food
and put it in the-
684
00:36:03,237 --> 00:36:05,114
Put food in here.
That's it.
685
00:36:05,156 --> 00:36:06,949
Put food in here.
686
00:36:06,991 --> 00:36:09,668
Walk around
and look for food.
687
00:36:09,703 --> 00:36:13,164
And anytime you see
any food, put it in here.
688
00:36:13,206 --> 00:36:16,417
Just take it and put it in here.
689
00:36:16,459 --> 00:36:18,086
Later, when you
feel pressure,
690
00:36:18,127 --> 00:36:21,381
shit out the shit in there.
691
00:36:22,423 --> 00:36:23,508
That's it.
692
00:36:23,549 --> 00:36:25,468
If anybody tries to stop you
from doing either of those,
693
00:36:25,510 --> 00:36:26,969
murder them.
694
00:36:31,641 --> 00:36:32,892
That's it.
695
00:36:34,143 --> 00:36:36,145
Doesn't have to be
any more complicated.
696
00:36:37,021 --> 00:36:38,898
Do it 'til you're died-
'til you're dead.
697
00:36:38,940 --> 00:36:40,900
'Til you're dead, died, dead.
698
00:36:42,902 --> 00:36:43,821
I don't know how long
I'm gonna live, I have no idea.
699
00:36:43,862 --> 00:36:46,572
You don't really ever get
to find out.
700
00:36:49,909 --> 00:36:52,495
You never get to go,
okay, I'm dead, so, 80.
701
00:36:54,247 --> 00:36:55,498
You don't ever get
to have that thought.
702
00:36:55,540 --> 00:36:57,500
"This is it. " You get to go,
"This is probably it. "
703
00:36:57,542 --> 00:36:59,293
That's your last thought.
704
00:36:59,335 --> 00:37:02,171
"This is probably it
right here. "
705
00:37:05,091 --> 00:37:07,385
Yeah, well, we're all
gonna die at some point.
706
00:37:07,427 --> 00:37:07,845
It's true, man.
707
00:37:07,886 --> 00:37:09,929
And you find out at some point-
708
00:37:09,971 --> 00:37:11,305
It's an interesting thing
about human beings,
709
00:37:11,347 --> 00:37:13,433
that we live with the knowledge
that we're gonna die.
710
00:37:13,474 --> 00:37:16,102
I found out when I was seven
that everybody dies.
711
00:37:16,144 --> 00:37:18,083
My grandfather told me.
712
00:37:18,118 --> 00:37:20,022
He said, "Everybody dies!"
713
00:37:21,524 --> 00:37:23,401
I wasn't even talking to him.
714
00:37:28,114 --> 00:37:30,199
I was just trying
to blow out the candles.
715
00:37:42,044 --> 00:37:45,131
And I was seven years old when
I found out that everybody dies.
716
00:37:45,173 --> 00:37:47,592
And I was excited,
not 'cause everybody dies,
717
00:37:47,633 --> 00:37:47,843
but 'cause I knew it.
718
00:37:47,885 --> 00:37:50,678
I was excited 'cause I knew
I was young to know
719
00:37:50,713 --> 00:37:50,762
that everybody dies.
720
00:37:50,804 --> 00:37:53,473
I knew that most of my friends
didn't know and I thought,
721
00:37:53,514 --> 00:37:55,141
I'm gonna tell them.
722
00:37:55,183 --> 00:37:57,977
I want to be the one
that tells everybody.
723
00:37:58,019 --> 00:37:59,708
I especially
wanted to tell Benjy,
724
00:37:59,743 --> 00:38:01,397
this kid across the street
from me.
725
00:38:01,439 --> 00:38:03,024
There was this kid Benjy,
he lived- I didn't-
726
00:38:03,065 --> 00:38:04,525
He wasn't my friend.
727
00:38:04,567 --> 00:38:05,903
I was seven and he was six,
but if I ever came out
728
00:38:05,944 --> 00:38:08,070
in my front yard,
he would come out
729
00:38:08,112 --> 00:38:10,239
and I'd be like, ugh,
here he comes.
730
00:38:11,657 --> 00:38:13,451
Just hated him.
731
00:38:13,493 --> 00:38:15,495
Hated him.
First person I ever hated.
732
00:38:15,536 --> 00:38:16,788
Like, visceral hate.
He was-
733
00:38:16,830 --> 00:38:21,083
To me, he was a piece of shit
cocksucker asshole.
734
00:38:21,125 --> 00:38:22,418
That's what he was to me,
735
00:38:22,460 --> 00:38:23,837
and I didn't even know
any of those words.
736
00:38:23,879 --> 00:38:27,006
I just had that,
like, as a raw feeling
737
00:38:27,048 --> 00:38:29,550
with no way to say it.
738
00:38:29,592 --> 00:38:32,178
I was too young
for the feeling that I had,
739
00:38:32,220 --> 00:38:32,686
and then somebody-
I heard somebody say
740
00:38:32,721 --> 00:38:35,264
"piece of shit cocksucker
asshole," I was like,
741
00:38:35,306 --> 00:38:36,516
that, yes, thank you.
742
00:38:36,557 --> 00:38:39,393
That's what that-
Yes, that's how- Yes.
743
00:38:43,022 --> 00:38:44,357
Anyway, one day
I was in my front yard
744
00:38:44,398 --> 00:38:46,442
and piece of shit Benjy
comes across.
745
00:38:47,861 --> 00:38:51,405
And he says, "I got a new bike,"
or something like that.
746
00:38:52,365 --> 00:38:55,535
And I was like, uh,
"You're gonna die someday. "
747
00:38:59,831 --> 00:39:03,668
And he was like,
"What? No, I'm not. "
748
00:39:03,703 --> 00:39:05,211
I said, "Yes, you are.
749
00:39:05,253 --> 00:39:07,088
"Everybody dies.
750
00:39:07,129 --> 00:39:11,300
"You're gonna die
and your mom's gonna die
751
00:39:11,342 --> 00:39:13,511
"and your daddy's gonna die.
752
00:39:15,179 --> 00:39:15,889
In that order. "
753
00:39:19,893 --> 00:39:24,105
He was really upset
and he starts running.
754
00:39:24,146 --> 00:39:25,439
It's still funny to me,
755
00:39:25,481 --> 00:39:28,192
it still makes me laugh,
40 years later.
756
00:39:28,234 --> 00:39:32,280
I can still see it so clearly
and it still makes me laugh.
757
00:39:32,321 --> 00:39:34,407
Run, Benjy!
758
00:39:35,491 --> 00:39:36,743
You can't run
from this shit, bitch.
759
00:39:39,245 --> 00:39:41,330
It's gonna get you.
760
00:39:43,416 --> 00:39:45,334
I wonder if he's dead.
761
00:39:46,669 --> 00:39:47,004
Anyway.
762
00:39:47,045 --> 00:39:49,923
So he came back
with his mom,
763
00:39:49,965 --> 00:39:52,759
his mom is so angry,
and then I was scared.
764
00:39:52,801 --> 00:39:56,554
And his mom came over,
"What did you say to him?"
765
00:39:56,596 --> 00:40:00,474
And I said, "I just told him
that everybody dies. "
766
00:40:00,516 --> 00:40:04,186
And she goes, "Well,
that's not necessarily true. "
767
00:40:05,856 --> 00:40:08,649
I was like, "What?"
768
00:40:08,691 --> 00:40:11,778
She says, "Well, some people
die, but not everybody does. "
769
00:40:13,864 --> 00:40:15,866
And I was so full of questions.
770
00:40:15,907 --> 00:40:18,117
I was like, what about-
771
00:40:18,159 --> 00:40:21,454
What about Abraham Lincoln and
George Washington, they're dead.
772
00:40:21,495 --> 00:40:22,538
But she said, "Yeah,
773
00:40:22,580 --> 00:40:22,998
"that's 'cause something
happened to them.
774
00:40:23,040 --> 00:40:25,083
"George Washington
didn't take care of himself
775
00:40:26,125 --> 00:40:26,710
"and Lincoln got shot,
776
00:40:26,752 --> 00:40:29,713
but there's a lot of people
alive from those days. "
777
00:40:29,755 --> 00:40:31,965
And I was like, really?
778
00:40:32,007 --> 00:40:35,593
What about, like, Bible people?
779
00:40:35,635 --> 00:40:38,220
And she's like, "Yeah, I-
We have to go. "
780
00:40:38,262 --> 00:40:40,098
And then she left,
'cause I think she realized,
781
00:40:41,140 --> 00:40:41,892
this is only gonna get worse.
782
00:40:41,933 --> 00:40:45,519
She's not on a good side
of this argument.
783
00:40:49,048 --> 00:40:50,966
And then I went to my mom
and I told her the whole thing,
784
00:40:51,008 --> 00:40:51,509
she's like, don't worry,
that lady's a fucking idiot,
785
00:40:52,551 --> 00:40:53,802
don't listen to her.
786
00:40:56,597 --> 00:41:00,017
My mom said, "Don't worry, baby,
you're definitely going to die. "
787
00:41:01,769 --> 00:41:02,895
Mm-hmm.
788
00:41:03,687 --> 00:41:05,064
Mm-hmm.
789
00:41:07,192 --> 00:41:10,027
People from the Bible.
790
00:41:10,361 --> 00:41:11,488
I wonder if people in the Bible
791
00:41:11,529 --> 00:41:14,080
knew they were gonna be
in the Bible.
792
00:41:14,115 --> 00:41:17,494
Like, "You guys, this is totally
gonna be in the Bible.
793
00:41:17,535 --> 00:41:19,245
"This is totally- You guys,
794
00:41:19,287 --> 00:41:22,748
"we're gonna get in the Bible,
everybody.
795
00:41:23,374 --> 00:41:27,586
I gotta get my roots done
so I look good for the Bible. "
796
00:41:33,551 --> 00:41:35,553
Yeah, my dog died recently.
797
00:41:36,595 --> 00:41:38,013
I had to tell the kids
that the dog is dead.
798
00:41:38,055 --> 00:41:40,849
That's a tough thing, telling
your kids that the dog died.
799
00:41:40,891 --> 00:41:42,102
You gotta tell 'em
at some point.
800
00:41:42,143 --> 00:41:46,814
You can't just keep going,
What? No, he's- Where'd he go?
801
00:41:47,315 --> 00:41:50,443
Oh, look, there he goes.
I don't know, he's-
802
00:41:50,485 --> 00:41:52,570
That little scamp.
There he goes, go get 'em.
803
00:41:53,612 --> 00:41:54,905
Go get 'em!
804
00:41:57,616 --> 00:42:00,035
Told my kids the dog died
and we dealt with it.
805
00:42:00,077 --> 00:42:00,120
And I was proud of them
806
00:42:00,161 --> 00:42:02,746
how they expressed
their feelings about it.
807
00:42:02,788 --> 00:42:03,164
They cried.
I was proud of them
808
00:42:03,206 --> 00:42:04,332
how they dealt
with their feelings
809
00:42:04,374 --> 00:42:06,543
and what they said about
it and how they processed it
810
00:42:06,584 --> 00:42:08,961
and I realized, this was
a positive thing.
811
00:42:09,002 --> 00:42:09,587
That's how you start thinking
as a parent,
812
00:42:10,629 --> 00:42:12,840
a lot of things you don't think
would be positive really are,
813
00:42:12,881 --> 00:42:15,968
'cause- 'cause a dog dying
is an opportunity
814
00:42:16,009 --> 00:42:17,719
to deal with death
with your kids.
815
00:42:17,761 --> 00:42:19,847
It's like a dry run for Grandma.
816
00:42:21,014 --> 00:42:23,016
It is, it is.
817
00:42:23,309 --> 00:42:26,645
Dog dies, you talk about it,
you deal with it.
818
00:42:26,687 --> 00:42:28,814
Later on, you go, so, you know
all that stuff we talked about?
819
00:42:28,856 --> 00:42:29,315
About the dog?
820
00:42:29,357 --> 00:42:31,442
Yeah, so, Grandma now.
821
00:42:34,571 --> 00:42:36,738
Mm-hmm.
822
00:42:37,990 --> 00:42:39,867
All the same stuff.
That's right.
823
00:42:40,701 --> 00:42:41,536
All right, go brush your teeth.
824
00:42:46,416 --> 00:42:48,667
I had a dog when I was a kid
825
00:42:48,709 --> 00:42:51,795
and he hated me,
and it really hurt.
826
00:42:51,837 --> 00:42:53,506
It's a true story,
my dog hated me and I-
827
00:42:53,548 --> 00:42:55,508
I wanted a dog so bad,
I was, like, ten years old,
828
00:42:55,550 --> 00:42:57,385
I used to beg my mother
for a dog
829
00:42:57,427 --> 00:43:00,012
and she just would say,
like, you had one
830
00:43:00,053 --> 00:43:01,472
when you were a baby
and it died, it's fine.
831
00:43:01,514 --> 00:43:03,516
But finally, she said,
you can have a dog
832
00:43:03,558 --> 00:43:05,435
if you keep your room clean
for a month.
833
00:43:05,476 --> 00:43:08,687
And I was so excited, 'cause
I was, like, I'm getting a dog.
834
00:43:08,729 --> 00:43:09,314
I told all my friends,
I'm gonna get a dog.
835
00:43:09,355 --> 00:43:11,566
All I have to do is keep my room
clean for a month.
836
00:43:11,608 --> 00:43:14,611
I lasted about a week
and it just went to shit.
837
00:43:14,652 --> 00:43:17,988
I couldn't do it and then
I tried, like, three, four days,
838
00:43:18,030 --> 00:43:18,198
I couldn't do it.
839
00:43:18,239 --> 00:43:20,824
And I got so depressed.
840
00:43:20,866 --> 00:43:22,701
I was like, I'm ten
and I already know
841
00:43:22,743 --> 00:43:26,331
my life is gonna be shit
'cause I can't do anything.
842
00:43:27,290 --> 00:43:29,125
And finally, my mom
was like, just-
843
00:43:29,167 --> 00:43:32,836
We'll get the dog, you're
bumming everybody out.
844
00:43:33,921 --> 00:43:35,131
So she got us a dog.
845
00:43:35,173 --> 00:43:37,675
And the dog looked at me
and he hated me, on sight.
846
00:43:38,717 --> 00:43:40,261
And I worked hard
to take care of this dog.
847
00:43:40,303 --> 00:43:43,847
I was kind to him and he
still hated me, which hurt.
848
00:43:43,889 --> 00:43:44,140
That's why it hurt.
849
00:43:44,182 --> 00:43:47,393
'Cause he must've just hated,
like, who I am inside.
850
00:43:49,728 --> 00:43:51,189
He- You could tell how he felt,
'cause he was very expressive.
851
00:43:51,231 --> 00:43:54,150
He was a terrier, you know,
so he had eyebrows.
852
00:43:54,192 --> 00:43:55,652
Like, I'd walk in the room
and he'd go, like,
853
00:43:55,693 --> 00:43:57,778
oh, fuck, I can't.
854
00:43:57,819 --> 00:43:58,446
And he would just leave!
855
00:44:03,660 --> 00:44:05,411
I would take him for a walk
and I had to use a leash
856
00:44:05,453 --> 00:44:07,330
and I didn't want
to use a leash.
857
00:44:07,372 --> 00:44:10,791
I wanted to be one of those
cool guys with a dog
858
00:44:10,832 --> 00:44:12,960
that just comes along,
you know one of those guys.
859
00:44:13,001 --> 00:44:15,421
He's always got, like, a suede
jacket with patches in it.
860
00:44:15,463 --> 00:44:19,007
And, like, scratchy hair,
he's like, hey.
861
00:44:19,049 --> 00:44:20,385
And he gets in his old pickup
and he's like, come on, dog.
862
00:44:20,426 --> 00:44:21,469
He goes, like-
863
00:44:21,511 --> 00:44:23,513
You know those guys that can
whistle that cool whistle?
864
00:44:23,554 --> 00:44:25,265
Whatever.
865
00:44:25,306 --> 00:44:27,933
Whew!
866
00:44:27,975 --> 00:44:30,728
And the dog jumps in the back
and they both get laid somewhere
867
00:44:31,770 --> 00:44:33,855
because they're both so cool.
868
00:44:33,897 --> 00:44:34,607
That's what I wanted.
869
00:44:39,195 --> 00:44:41,614
But my dog, we'd go for a walk
and the leash was, like, taut,
870
00:44:41,656 --> 00:44:44,950
like this, it wasn't even like,
yeah, we're friends.
871
00:44:44,992 --> 00:44:48,204
It was like, how far from
this kid can I get my face?
872
00:44:48,246 --> 00:44:50,290
He would be choking himself
the whole-
873
00:44:50,331 --> 00:44:53,917
"I hate you!
874
00:44:53,959 --> 00:44:55,961
I hate you!"
875
00:44:59,047 --> 00:45:00,383
And if I ever, like, slipped
and dropped the leash, he-
876
00:45:00,425 --> 00:45:03,219
He was like, I'm not your dog.
He would just run.
877
00:45:03,261 --> 00:45:07,055
He would run like a slave,
he would just take off.
878
00:45:11,269 --> 00:45:14,855
That's how he ran.
It's an apt description.
879
00:45:15,189 --> 00:45:16,274
That's how he ran.
880
00:45:16,316 --> 00:45:18,401
He didn't run like a deer.
This is how a deer...
881
00:45:18,443 --> 00:45:21,069
He ran like this.
882
00:45:28,060 --> 00:45:29,645
He ran away so many times
883
00:45:29,687 --> 00:45:30,938
and then we'd get a call
from the pound.
884
00:45:30,980 --> 00:45:32,488
"Hi, we have your dog. "
885
00:45:32,523 --> 00:45:33,941
And you could hear my dog
in the background,
886
00:45:33,983 --> 00:45:35,568
like, "Don't-
887
00:45:38,361 --> 00:45:38,904
"Seriously?
888
00:45:39,989 --> 00:45:41,615
I told you I don't wanna... "
889
00:45:44,660 --> 00:45:47,163
I've never been
a big animal person.
890
00:45:47,204 --> 00:45:48,748
Some animals I hate.
891
00:45:48,789 --> 00:45:53,293
Uh, bats, I think bats
are just disgusting.
892
00:45:53,334 --> 00:45:53,878
I hate bats.
893
00:45:53,919 --> 00:45:57,173
I hate- It's a rat
with leather wings.
894
00:45:57,214 --> 00:46:00,341
You ever seen one and
they, like, look around?
895
00:46:00,383 --> 00:46:01,010
It's like, somebody, you know?
896
00:46:01,051 --> 00:46:02,553
They have a face.
897
00:46:02,595 --> 00:46:04,221
It's disgusting.
898
00:46:05,263 --> 00:46:05,848
I hate bats.
899
00:46:05,890 --> 00:46:08,391
And I'm sure there's
a whole thing of-
900
00:46:08,433 --> 00:46:09,185
Oh, did you know that bats
901
00:46:09,226 --> 00:46:13,313
make all the French toast
in the world, or whatever?
902
00:46:14,481 --> 00:46:14,899
I don't care.
903
00:46:17,860 --> 00:46:20,278
I hate them.
904
00:46:24,116 --> 00:46:27,410
I had a bad bat experience.
905
00:46:29,622 --> 00:46:31,165
This summer, I was, uh-
906
00:46:31,207 --> 00:46:32,541
We rented a house this summer,
907
00:46:32,583 --> 00:46:35,335
I got a house for me
and the kids.
908
00:46:35,376 --> 00:46:37,462
My ex wife and I-
We share custody of the kids,
909
00:46:37,497 --> 00:46:37,671
and so this summer, I had half-
910
00:46:37,713 --> 00:46:39,215
One month they go with her,
one month with me,
911
00:46:39,256 --> 00:46:40,716
so I got a nice house
in the country
912
00:46:40,758 --> 00:46:42,176
and it was beautiful,
the kids loved it,
913
00:46:42,218 --> 00:46:45,221
but the kids go to sleep
at, you know, 8:00 at night.
914
00:46:45,262 --> 00:46:48,724
So I'm just laying awake,
terrified.
915
00:46:48,766 --> 00:46:50,267
Terrified.
916
00:46:51,309 --> 00:46:51,602
I'm so scared in the country,
917
00:46:51,644 --> 00:46:54,647
'cause it's just quiet
and it's just mystery.
918
00:46:54,688 --> 00:46:57,191
And trees and darkness.
919
00:46:57,233 --> 00:46:59,777
I live in New York City,
I feel perfectly safe there.
920
00:46:59,819 --> 00:47:04,657
I'm surrounded by murderers
and child molesters and Jews.
921
00:47:04,698 --> 00:47:07,408
Sorry.
922
00:47:07,450 --> 00:47:07,743
I mean, there are,
there are a lot.
923
00:47:07,785 --> 00:47:09,703
There's a bunch of those,
but...
924
00:47:09,745 --> 00:47:11,205
So...
925
00:47:13,331 --> 00:47:15,416
So one night, I'm in the country
house and I'm just laying-
926
00:47:15,458 --> 00:47:17,545
just laying awake, just begging
for the fucking sun to come up
927
00:47:17,586 --> 00:47:21,090
so I can sleep through my days
with the kids.
928
00:47:23,843 --> 00:47:25,261
And I'm laying awake and I'm-
929
00:47:25,302 --> 00:47:27,012
My bedroom's
above the kitchen and I-
930
00:47:27,054 --> 00:47:28,097
Suddenly I hear this-
931
00:47:28,138 --> 00:47:29,890
I swear to God, I heard
this sound, I heard...
932
00:47:33,978 --> 00:47:36,105
I heard that,
like, clear as a bell.
933
00:47:36,146 --> 00:47:37,898
And immediately,
my heart is pounding.
934
00:47:37,940 --> 00:47:40,109
I'm like, I'm going to have
a heart attack right now,
935
00:47:40,150 --> 00:47:43,612
because there is a witch
in the kitchen.
936
00:47:43,654 --> 00:47:45,281
First of all, there are witches.
937
00:47:45,322 --> 00:47:48,075
I have no doubt, in that moment,
there's witches.
938
00:47:48,117 --> 00:47:49,994
That's how easy it was
to flip me over.
939
00:47:50,035 --> 00:47:52,453
There are witches.
940
00:47:54,206 --> 00:47:57,501
And there's one in the kitchen,
and I gotta go down there.
941
00:47:57,543 --> 00:47:59,920
I gotta- I can't just, eh,
she'll get-
942
00:47:59,955 --> 00:48:02,298
They like kids,
she'll get the kids.
943
00:48:03,048 --> 00:48:05,885
So I go downstairs,
I'm terr- Terrified.
944
00:48:05,926 --> 00:48:08,386
And I'm standing
outside the kitchen door
945
00:48:08,428 --> 00:48:09,930
like this, for like, an hour.
946
00:48:09,972 --> 00:48:13,809
Too scared to go in, until
a little bit of logic seeped in
947
00:48:13,851 --> 00:48:16,228
and told me, even if
there is a witch in there,
948
00:48:16,270 --> 00:48:17,646
she wouldn't just make a noise
949
00:48:17,688 --> 00:48:20,107
and then just stand there
for, like, an hour.
950
00:48:21,817 --> 00:48:24,493
So I go in, there's
nobody in the kitchen.
951
00:48:24,528 --> 00:48:28,365
And then I hear the noise again,
and it was the dishwasher.
952
00:48:29,407 --> 00:48:31,660
The dishwasher
has weird tubes
953
00:48:31,702 --> 00:48:34,246
and when the soap goes
through 'em, it's kind of vocal,
954
00:48:34,288 --> 00:48:35,915
I don't know why, but it goes...
955
00:48:37,708 --> 00:48:41,503
It was the weirdest thing,
to watch my dishwasher do it.
956
00:48:41,545 --> 00:48:43,923
I was like, all right,
it's cool.
957
00:48:43,964 --> 00:48:45,966
I'm fine, there's no witches.
958
00:48:47,259 --> 00:48:48,802
I'm about to go upstairs,
and a-
959
00:48:48,844 --> 00:48:52,556
And a bat,
a fucking asshole bat
960
00:48:52,598 --> 00:48:54,481
picked that moment-
He's like, ha ha!
961
00:48:54,516 --> 00:48:57,728
And he just flew right-
right by my head, like this,
962
00:48:57,770 --> 00:48:59,104
and I just- I went, "Aaah!"
963
00:48:59,146 --> 00:49:01,774
And I just fell on the floor.
964
00:49:01,815 --> 00:49:03,400
"Aaah!"
965
00:49:04,860 --> 00:49:07,613
And I immediately,
I crawl into the closet,
966
00:49:07,655 --> 00:49:10,866
I closed the door and
I called 911 right away.
967
00:49:14,452 --> 00:49:15,037
I don't know if you've
ever called 911
968
00:49:15,079 --> 00:49:16,330
and you don't realize
until they answer
969
00:49:16,372 --> 00:49:18,540
how you shouldn't be
calling 911?
970
00:49:20,084 --> 00:49:21,961
"911, tell us your emergency. "
971
00:49:22,002 --> 00:49:25,839
"I- I'm sorry, I'm very sorry
to be bothering you.
972
00:49:25,881 --> 00:49:27,633
This doesn't qualify. "
973
00:49:29,259 --> 00:49:30,552
The lady's like,
"Sir, what's the problem?"
974
00:49:30,594 --> 00:49:34,472
I said, "There's a bat
in my house.
975
00:49:34,507 --> 00:49:35,307
And I don't like it. "
976
00:49:38,978 --> 00:49:41,605
But she was nice to me,
'cause it's country 911.
977
00:49:42,606 --> 00:49:44,149
If you call 911
in New York City,
978
00:49:44,191 --> 00:49:45,234
"there's a bat in my house!"
979
00:49:45,275 --> 00:49:46,777
They'll be like, "Sir,
we'll send a car right over
980
00:49:46,819 --> 00:49:48,320
to shoot you in the face. "
981
00:49:51,365 --> 00:49:54,201
But she was nice, she's like,
"Sir, we understand,
982
00:49:54,243 --> 00:49:56,537
"you're divorced,
you're overcompensating
983
00:49:56,578 --> 00:49:58,080
"with the country house.
984
00:49:58,122 --> 00:49:59,832
You're in over your head. "
985
00:50:02,001 --> 00:50:03,627
She said, call this guy,
she gave me a number,
986
00:50:03,669 --> 00:50:07,006
she said, call this guy, he's
a guy who takes care of bats.
987
00:50:07,047 --> 00:50:10,718
He's a man who's, uh-
bats are his focus.
988
00:50:10,759 --> 00:50:14,471
I felt like she was doing a lot
of work to not say "bat man. "
989
00:50:14,513 --> 00:50:17,766
Like she was kind of
going around...
990
00:50:17,808 --> 00:50:21,186
"He's a male human
who bats are his...
991
00:50:21,228 --> 00:50:23,439
I'm not gonna say bat-
I don't wanna say it. "
992
00:50:25,899 --> 00:50:27,818
So I called the bat man...
993
00:50:29,778 --> 00:50:30,821
...and he comes over
994
00:50:30,863 --> 00:50:33,240
and I'm in the closet looking
through the crack, at-
995
00:50:33,282 --> 00:50:34,992
The bat is on the ceiling,
hanging upside down,
996
00:50:35,034 --> 00:50:36,535
he's just looking around.
997
00:50:38,996 --> 00:50:41,582
The most disgusting thing.
998
00:50:41,623 --> 00:50:44,043
And so finally, there's
a knock at my door and I go,
999
00:50:44,084 --> 00:50:48,547
I crawl to the door and
I open it and he's like, hello.
1000
00:50:48,589 --> 00:50:50,841
And he says, "Where's the bat?"
1001
00:50:50,883 --> 00:50:53,093
And I'm like, "Ehhh... "
1002
00:50:55,220 --> 00:50:58,098
So the guy walks over
1003
00:50:58,140 --> 00:51:00,809
and he just takes the bat.
1004
00:51:04,313 --> 00:51:05,355
That's it.
1005
00:51:06,398 --> 00:51:07,983
He just took it.
1006
00:51:09,902 --> 00:51:11,236
He's like, all right?
1007
00:51:12,821 --> 00:51:14,573
Yeah, you pretty much nailed it.
1008
00:51:15,908 --> 00:51:17,409
That's amazing.
1009
00:51:18,660 --> 00:51:19,995
It's like I called somebody
and said, "Help,
1010
00:51:20,037 --> 00:51:22,664
there's a box of tissues
on my table!"
1011
00:51:28,003 --> 00:51:29,838
Oh, thank goodness.
1012
00:51:31,340 --> 00:51:33,801
What a relief, to have
a man in the house.
1013
00:51:38,830 --> 00:51:39,916
Would you like some sweet tea?
1014
00:51:42,417 --> 00:51:45,295
I wasn't expecting company.
1015
00:51:45,337 --> 00:51:48,423
Ooh, my robe fell open.
1016
00:51:48,465 --> 00:51:50,509
He saw my breasts.
1017
00:51:51,593 --> 00:51:51,928
Ooh.
1018
00:51:51,969 --> 00:51:53,930
What do we do now?
1019
00:51:56,097 --> 00:51:56,933
Mr. bat man?
1020
00:52:02,270 --> 00:52:05,857
You know, I'm kind of grateful
to that bat now,
1021
00:52:05,899 --> 00:52:08,109
now that you're going
to fuck me.
1022
00:52:14,032 --> 00:52:15,534
You're not?
1023
00:52:17,869 --> 00:52:20,038
Well, all right,
you can go, then.
1024
00:52:20,789 --> 00:52:22,457
I can't-
I can't get out of it.
1025
00:52:23,625 --> 00:52:24,668
I'm sorry.
1026
00:52:28,380 --> 00:52:31,132
I just like to keep doing that
'til the laughter stops.
1027
00:52:32,509 --> 00:52:34,511
Fuck, he's really-
1028
00:52:34,553 --> 00:52:36,388
This is getting upsetting.
1029
00:52:36,429 --> 00:52:39,266
What if I just did that
for, like, 40 minutes?
1030
00:52:39,307 --> 00:52:40,809
Well, if you weren't
gonna help me,
1031
00:52:40,850 --> 00:52:42,435
then why did you come over?
1032
00:52:45,230 --> 00:52:48,567
I'm alone here all day and I
hardly can handle it anymore.
1033
00:52:50,735 --> 00:52:52,696
All right, all right.
1034
00:52:52,737 --> 00:52:53,780
So...
No, no.
1035
00:52:53,822 --> 00:52:55,323
No, don't do that.
1036
00:52:55,365 --> 00:52:56,658
Don't do that.
1037
00:52:58,911 --> 00:53:00,037
I was, um...
1038
00:53:01,079 --> 00:53:02,999
I was in New York one time,
I was on the subway platform
1039
00:53:03,040 --> 00:53:08,378
and I saw two rats, uh,
and they were fucking.
1040
00:53:08,420 --> 00:53:12,257
And I never saw that before.
I'm like, oh, shit.
1041
00:53:12,299 --> 00:53:14,551
There's two rats
fucking right there.
1042
00:53:14,593 --> 00:53:19,764
And so I watched 'em, um,
'cause you can watch rats fuck.
1043
00:53:19,806 --> 00:53:21,017
It's not a big deal.
1044
00:53:21,058 --> 00:53:23,685
You don't have to go, like...
1045
00:53:31,192 --> 00:53:33,278
You can really just
totally just watch 'em.
1046
00:53:34,947 --> 00:53:38,116
Hmm, I see.
1047
00:53:39,117 --> 00:53:41,453
Anyway, I'm watching 'em,
I'm just curious.
1048
00:53:41,494 --> 00:53:44,623
I mean, it wasn't...
surprising how they do it.
1049
00:53:44,664 --> 00:53:47,292
It's not like she's on top
going, mmm.
1050
00:53:48,752 --> 00:53:48,961
Mmm.
1051
00:53:53,256 --> 00:53:55,092
Mmm, mmm, mm.
1052
00:53:56,134 --> 00:53:57,469
Thank you.
1053
00:53:57,510 --> 00:54:00,430
I love it, I love it.
1054
00:54:00,472 --> 00:54:01,806
Ooh!
1055
00:54:01,848 --> 00:54:03,892
I think this is a Japanese rat
I'm doing, I don't know.
1056
00:54:03,927 --> 00:54:08,229
"Ooh, it's so good to fuck you!
1057
00:54:08,271 --> 00:54:11,775
Ohh! Come on, Ricky,
do me!"
1058
00:54:11,816 --> 00:54:13,485
I don't know, all right.
1059
00:54:14,319 --> 00:54:17,739
Anyway, it wasn't
anything like that.
1060
00:54:19,407 --> 00:54:21,242
It was a pretty standard
rat fuck.
1061
00:54:22,327 --> 00:54:25,163
Just, he's on top,
1062
00:54:25,205 --> 00:54:27,582
kinda smushing her
into the pavement
1063
00:54:27,624 --> 00:54:28,042
and she's like...
1064
00:54:32,420 --> 00:54:35,548
And I'm watching 'em, just-
1065
00:54:35,590 --> 00:54:36,050
I mean, I didn't, like,
miss my train.
1066
00:54:36,092 --> 00:54:38,135
Just, while I was there.
1067
00:54:39,177 --> 00:54:40,054
'Cause I was-
1068
00:54:40,096 --> 00:54:42,014
I was curious.
1069
00:54:42,056 --> 00:54:45,266
It didn't turn me on,
I was just curious.
1070
00:54:45,308 --> 00:54:47,310
'Cause I want to know, what is
it gonna be like when he comes.
1071
00:54:47,352 --> 00:54:48,728
That's what I wanted to know.
1072
00:54:48,770 --> 00:54:50,897
What is it like
when a rat comes?
1073
00:54:50,932 --> 00:54:50,981
Is it, like, uh-
1074
00:54:51,023 --> 00:54:54,567
Is it just a biological thing,
just a dispassionate,
1075
00:54:54,609 --> 00:54:56,112
kinda just, meh! And then
he just goes home?
1076
00:54:56,153 --> 00:54:59,197
Or is it like,
"Yeah, fucking yeah!"
1077
00:54:59,239 --> 00:55:02,200
Is it like, "Aww... "
1078
00:55:02,242 --> 00:55:03,660
Is it, you know?
1079
00:55:03,953 --> 00:55:07,622
Is it ecstasy?
Is it an orgasm?
1080
00:55:08,958 --> 00:55:12,293
I told that story
to a friend of mine.
1081
00:55:12,335 --> 00:55:14,546
She was like, "Well,
what about the girl rat?
1082
00:55:15,089 --> 00:55:18,134
"What about her orgasm?
1083
00:55:18,175 --> 00:55:24,431
Why didn't you empower her
and wonder how she comes?"
1084
00:55:24,472 --> 00:55:26,599
What, are you crazy?
1085
00:55:26,641 --> 00:55:28,435
Girl rats don't come.
1086
00:55:28,476 --> 00:55:30,980
There's no way the girl gets
to come when rats fuck.
1087
00:55:31,021 --> 00:55:33,732
First of all, he's not
gonna hold out for her.
1088
00:55:33,773 --> 00:55:35,192
He's not that kinda dude,
you can tell.
1089
00:55:36,234 --> 00:55:37,277
He didn't give a shit.
1090
00:55:37,318 --> 00:55:39,487
He's gonna fuck her and leave,
he doesn't even know her name.
1091
00:55:39,529 --> 00:55:41,573
He's not sitting there
waiting for her and trying
1092
00:55:41,614 --> 00:55:43,159
to think of things to not come,
1093
00:55:43,200 --> 00:55:47,787
like giant garbage bags with
no food in them or whatever.
1094
00:55:52,250 --> 00:55:54,836
And even if he did,
she's on a subway platform
1095
00:55:54,878 --> 00:55:55,886
in front of people.
1096
00:55:55,921 --> 00:55:59,133
She's not gonna be able
to get to that place,
1097
00:55:59,175 --> 00:56:05,889
that inside place,
that girl rats need
1098
00:56:05,924 --> 00:56:08,600
to find their orgasm.
1099
00:56:11,644 --> 00:56:13,605
'Cause I know
what girl rats need.
1100
00:56:14,023 --> 00:56:16,108
I know how to make
a girl rat come.
1101
00:56:18,027 --> 00:56:21,113
I do, you just pick 'em up and
hold 'em upside down and just...
1102
00:56:46,180 --> 00:56:48,723
Just to be clear,
what I was doing there...
1103
00:56:49,516 --> 00:56:51,434
I just want to make sure
you know.
1104
00:56:51,476 --> 00:56:53,478
I spit in her mouth
1105
00:56:53,520 --> 00:56:55,647
while I played
with her little asshole.
1106
00:56:57,482 --> 00:56:58,901
Don't judge her,
that's what she likes.
1107
00:56:58,943 --> 00:57:00,945
I did it for her.
1108
00:57:07,450 --> 00:57:09,161
I was watching "The Wizard
of Oz" with my daughters and-
1109
00:57:12,455 --> 00:57:12,998
I know that's-
I know that's, uh-
1110
00:57:15,583 --> 00:57:18,711
That's a weird couple of stories
to put together.
1111
00:57:18,753 --> 00:57:22,507
Fingering a rat's asshole
to orgasm
1112
00:57:22,549 --> 00:57:25,885
and watching "The Wizard of Oz"
with my daughters,
1113
00:57:25,920 --> 00:57:27,595
but they happened
to have happened
1114
00:57:27,637 --> 00:57:28,097
one right after the other.
1115
00:57:32,309 --> 00:57:36,688
Most things that I do, I do
right after I made a rat come.
1116
00:57:37,982 --> 00:57:40,608
That's what I do at night.
It's my-
1117
00:57:40,650 --> 00:57:41,944
It's the only way I try to help.
1118
00:57:43,028 --> 00:57:44,071
All right.
1119
00:57:45,197 --> 00:57:47,448
So I was...
1120
00:57:49,076 --> 00:57:53,621
Let me just tell you this first.
I was, uh, I was at a place to-
1121
00:57:53,663 --> 00:57:54,915
eating dinner in New York and
I heard these two women talking
1122
00:57:54,957 --> 00:57:57,709
and one of 'em is talking about
the guy she's dating.
1123
00:57:57,744 --> 00:58:00,461
They were about 21 years old,
like, NYU students,
1124
00:58:00,503 --> 00:58:01,213
and so she's talking about it
and, you know, a lot of times
1125
00:58:01,255 --> 00:58:04,716
I'll hear this, a woman talking
about the guy she's dating
1126
00:58:04,757 --> 00:58:07,510
and she runs down
the stuff that's not satisfying,
1127
00:58:07,552 --> 00:58:08,720
the things she doesn't like.
1128
00:58:08,761 --> 00:58:10,388
She's like, "He's just,
you know, I text him
1129
00:58:10,430 --> 00:58:11,897
"and he, like, he doesn't,
like, respond right away
1130
00:58:11,932 --> 00:58:16,103
"and then, when he does, it's
like, whatever, so that's weird.
1131
00:58:16,145 --> 00:58:19,148
"And then, like, I saw him
and he's just being weird.
1132
00:58:19,189 --> 00:58:23,818
"And so then he, like, calls me,
he's like, I'm sorry I'm weird.
1133
00:58:23,860 --> 00:58:25,195
"It's, like, weird, right now.
And I was like, whatever.
1134
00:58:25,237 --> 00:58:28,908
And then we had sex.
And it's just weird. "
1135
00:58:28,949 --> 00:58:31,576
And then I'm listening
'cause I wanted to know,
1136
00:58:31,618 --> 00:58:32,660
what is her friend gonna say?
1137
00:58:32,702 --> 00:58:33,370
I want to know what kind of
friend she has, you know.
1138
00:58:34,412 --> 00:58:36,290
And her friend just says,
"He's a piece of shit.
1139
00:58:36,332 --> 00:58:39,459
"He's a piece of shit.
1140
00:58:39,500 --> 00:58:43,796
"He's not good enough for you,
'cause you're amazing.
1141
00:58:43,838 --> 00:58:45,090
"You're amazing.
1142
00:58:45,132 --> 00:58:50,720
So he just can't handle
how amazing you are. "
1143
00:58:50,762 --> 00:58:53,848
And I remember thinking,
that is a shitty friend.
1144
00:58:53,890 --> 00:58:54,899
That's not a good friend.
1145
00:58:54,934 --> 00:58:57,102
That is not a good way
to approach life.
1146
00:58:57,144 --> 00:58:58,903
"I'm amazing!
1147
00:58:58,938 --> 00:59:02,523
"And anybody who doesn't
text me back is just-
1148
00:59:02,565 --> 00:59:04,360
can't handle
how amazing I am. "
1149
00:59:04,401 --> 00:59:06,869
I mean, she's a student.
She can't be-
1150
00:59:06,904 --> 00:59:11,658
She's not Nelson Mandela,
she's in college.
1151
00:59:11,699 --> 00:59:13,534
She- I'm sure she's fine,
1152
00:59:13,576 --> 00:59:17,538
but you're amazing,
the way you... take classes.
1153
00:59:17,580 --> 00:59:20,541
What is-
What is so amazing?
1154
00:59:20,583 --> 00:59:23,503
She's kinda boring, he's kind of
a douche, so it's fine.
1155
00:59:23,544 --> 00:59:25,797
They're fine.
1156
00:59:25,838 --> 00:59:27,548
You need to know that
you're boring a little bit.
1157
00:59:27,590 --> 00:59:28,633
It's important.
1158
00:59:28,675 --> 00:59:29,842
Self love is a good thing,
1159
00:59:29,884 --> 00:59:32,137
but self awareness
is more important.
1160
00:59:32,179 --> 00:59:35,598
You need to, once in a while go,
oh, I'm kind of an asshole.
1161
00:59:35,640 --> 00:59:36,433
You have to have
that thought once in a while,
1162
00:59:37,475 --> 00:59:39,602
or you're a psychopath.
1163
00:59:39,644 --> 00:59:40,270
You know like when you say
to a friend of yours,
1164
00:59:40,312 --> 00:59:42,398
"You're being an asshole"
and they're like, "No, I'm not. "
1165
00:59:42,439 --> 00:59:45,192
Well, it's not up to you
1166
00:59:45,234 --> 00:59:47,694
if you're an asshole or not.
1167
00:59:47,735 --> 00:59:49,737
That's up to everybody else.
1168
00:59:50,655 --> 00:59:51,907
You don't get to say no to that.
1169
00:59:53,242 --> 00:59:55,827
"You're an asshole. "
"No, I'm not. "
1170
00:59:55,868 --> 00:59:58,830
"Oh, sorry, I thought-
Okay, I'm glad I checked.
1171
00:59:58,871 --> 01:00:00,374
I guess you're not. "
1172
01:00:00,416 --> 01:00:02,084
If somebody tells you
you're an asshole,
1173
01:00:02,126 --> 01:00:04,044
you should go, "Oh, shit. "
1174
01:00:04,086 --> 01:00:07,006
All right, what happened,
how did I get here?
1175
01:00:07,923 --> 01:00:08,966
It's like somebody saying,
you know,
1176
01:00:09,008 --> 01:00:11,093
"You got something
on your face. " "No, I don't. "
1177
01:00:13,845 --> 01:00:13,971
It's like America-
1178
01:00:14,013 --> 01:00:18,308
I feel like America is, like,
the world's worst girlfriend.
1179
01:00:18,350 --> 01:00:21,602
America is like
a terrible girlfriend
1180
01:00:21,644 --> 01:00:22,812
to the rest of the world,
1181
01:00:22,854 --> 01:00:23,188
'cause when somebody
hurts America,
1182
01:00:23,230 --> 01:00:26,816
she remembers it forever,
1183
01:00:26,858 --> 01:00:30,570
but if she does anything bad,
it's like it- "What?"
1184
01:00:30,611 --> 01:00:32,156
"It did-
I didn't do anything. "
1185
01:00:32,197 --> 01:00:34,908
America, why do you keep
bombing those people in Yemen
1186
01:00:34,950 --> 01:00:38,454
and all these-
"Well, it's 'cause 9/11, okay?
1187
01:00:38,495 --> 01:00:44,667
9/11, so shut up, assholes. "
1188
01:00:44,709 --> 01:00:46,669
Okay, but you killed
hundreds of thousands of people,
1189
01:00:46,711 --> 01:00:47,421
so I think you can-
"Yeah, no, but 9/11.
1190
01:00:47,463 --> 01:00:49,797
"Fuck you.
1191
01:00:49,839 --> 01:00:51,632
You don't even understand. "
1192
01:00:52,800 --> 01:00:53,177
Yeah, but you're
torturing people.
1193
01:00:53,218 --> 01:00:57,555
"I- It wasn't even
torture, oh, my God.
1194
01:00:58,806 --> 01:01:00,558
"He's such a baby.
1195
01:01:00,600 --> 01:01:03,644
I didn't even do anything
to him. "
1196
01:01:06,631 --> 01:01:07,716
And...
1197
01:01:07,757 --> 01:01:09,676
And I'm saying this about women
'cause I'm a guy.
1198
01:01:09,718 --> 01:01:11,928
Women might say this about-
that this is what guys are like.
1199
01:01:12,970 --> 01:01:14,221
That's just what it's like,
you know,
1200
01:01:14,263 --> 01:01:16,349
because I think racism
and sexism are very different.
1201
01:01:16,391 --> 01:01:18,518
To me, racism is just a mistake.
1202
01:01:18,560 --> 01:01:19,811
It's like, just an error.
1203
01:01:19,853 --> 01:01:21,480
It doesn't really make
any sense,
1204
01:01:21,521 --> 01:01:26,025
we can just do away with it,
but sexism isn't going anywhere,
1205
01:01:26,066 --> 01:01:30,739
'cause sexism is way deep
the fuck down inside,
1206
01:01:30,780 --> 01:01:32,741
so it's just the way
we feel about each other.
1207
01:01:32,782 --> 01:01:34,826
It's, "Ahh, women!
1208
01:01:34,868 --> 01:01:38,245
"Women! Women!
1209
01:01:38,287 --> 01:01:39,956
"Women!
1210
01:01:40,998 --> 01:01:42,667
Women! Women!"
1211
01:01:46,086 --> 01:01:46,922
And you're like, "Men!
1212
01:01:46,963 --> 01:01:49,591
"Men, men! Men!
1213
01:01:49,633 --> 01:01:52,092
"Men!
1214
01:01:52,134 --> 01:01:54,596
"Men! Men!
1215
01:01:54,638 --> 01:01:56,348
Men!"
1216
01:02:02,521 --> 01:02:04,773
Anyway, so I'm watching "The
Wizard of Oz" with my daughters.
1217
01:02:04,814 --> 01:02:06,733
Is that enough of
a palate cleanser?
1218
01:02:06,775 --> 01:02:07,984
All right.
1219
01:02:10,362 --> 01:02:12,948
I'm watching "The Wizard of Oz,"
I don't know if you've seen it,
1220
01:02:12,989 --> 01:02:15,951
it's about a little girl
named Dorothy,
1221
01:02:15,992 --> 01:02:20,956
a very sweet little girl played
by an alcoholic older lady,
1222
01:02:20,997 --> 01:02:23,290
who, uh...
1223
01:02:23,750 --> 01:02:26,711
Lives in Kansas, she has a dog,
she's very upset.
1224
01:02:26,753 --> 01:02:29,631
And she keeps telling-
"My dog!"
1225
01:02:29,673 --> 01:02:32,926
And everybody's like,
This is a farm. We're working.
1226
01:02:32,968 --> 01:02:34,267
Leave us alone.
1227
01:02:34,302 --> 01:02:36,721
And then there's a tornado
and they all run inside
1228
01:02:36,763 --> 01:02:40,140
and they barely look for her.
It's unbelievable.
1229
01:02:40,182 --> 01:02:43,060
It was so upsetting to me when
I was a kid to see this movie,
1230
01:02:43,102 --> 01:02:44,604
'cause Auntie Em is like,
"Dorothy! Okay, fuck it. "
1231
01:02:44,646 --> 01:02:47,189
And she just goes right inside.
1232
01:02:47,231 --> 01:02:48,817
Bolts the door.
Unbelievable.
1233
01:02:51,653 --> 01:02:53,286
So Dorothy goes up to Oz.
1234
01:02:53,321 --> 01:02:54,781
So here's the thing, I was
watching it the other night,
1235
01:02:54,823 --> 01:02:57,826
and there's this one moment
that really stunned me.
1236
01:02:57,867 --> 01:03:00,537
It's when Ray Bolger,
who played the Scarecrow,
1237
01:03:00,579 --> 01:03:02,831
he just got ripped apart
by flying monkeys
1238
01:03:02,872 --> 01:03:05,500
and he's very upset
and he has this performance
1239
01:03:05,542 --> 01:03:07,877
that's way over the top,
even for this movie.
1240
01:03:07,919 --> 01:03:09,879
Do you remember that moment?
The Tin Man comes over.
1241
01:03:09,921 --> 01:03:11,673
"What happened?"
And he's like,
1242
01:03:11,708 --> 01:03:13,425
"Well, first
they tore my arms off
1243
01:03:13,466 --> 01:03:15,677
"and they threw them
over there!
1244
01:03:16,970 --> 01:03:21,474
And then they tore my legs off
and they threw them over there!"
1245
01:03:24,311 --> 01:03:26,771
And I've seen this movie
a thousand times,
1246
01:03:26,813 --> 01:03:29,148
but for some reason this time,
1247
01:03:29,189 --> 01:03:32,151
that moment made me go,
"Oh, shit!"
1248
01:03:32,192 --> 01:03:33,069
Ooh!
1249
01:03:34,111 --> 01:03:34,654
That was a lot.
1250
01:03:37,156 --> 01:03:37,991
And I started to wonder
if Victor Fleming,
1251
01:03:38,033 --> 01:03:39,784
the guy who directed
"The Wizard of Oz,"
1252
01:03:39,826 --> 01:03:43,162
if he had a moment during
the filming of the movie
1253
01:03:43,203 --> 01:03:46,374
where he was, like, I think
I gotta have a word with Ray,
1254
01:03:46,416 --> 01:03:50,210
'cause that's getting
to be a lot.
1255
01:03:52,254 --> 01:03:52,304
All right, let him-
1256
01:03:52,339 --> 01:03:53,798
Just let him do another one.
1257
01:03:53,840 --> 01:03:55,342
Okay, action!
1258
01:03:55,383 --> 01:03:56,760
"What happened?"
1259
01:03:56,801 --> 01:03:58,887
"Well, first they tore
my arms off
1260
01:03:58,928 --> 01:04:01,931
"and they threw them over there!
1261
01:04:01,973 --> 01:04:04,476
"And then they tore my legs off.
1262
01:04:04,517 --> 01:04:06,978
They threw them over there!"
1263
01:04:09,271 --> 01:04:09,981
Okay, cut!
1264
01:04:14,193 --> 01:04:14,444
Comes over.
1265
01:04:15,904 --> 01:04:17,572
Uh...
1266
01:04:17,614 --> 01:04:20,199
So listen.
1267
01:04:20,240 --> 01:04:20,909
Ray...
1268
01:04:20,950 --> 01:04:22,327
Yes?
1269
01:04:27,582 --> 01:04:29,000
Eh, you're fine.
1270
01:04:33,170 --> 01:04:34,005
You guys have been great,
thanks a lot for coming.
1271
01:04:34,047 --> 01:04:35,507
I hope you enjoyed it.
1272
01:04:35,548 --> 01:04:37,884
Thank you very much!
1273
01:04:38,635 --> 01:04:41,846
Thank you!
96109
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