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1
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♪ It seems todaythat all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,747 --> 00:00:07,673
♪ Is violence in moviesand sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,900 --> 00:00:11,418
♪ But where are thosegood old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,570 --> 00:00:14,421
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,573 --> 00:00:18,075
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,093 --> 00:00:21,411
♪ Lucky there's a manwho positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,505 --> 00:00:22,929
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,082 --> 00:00:24,189
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,416 --> 00:00:30,154
♪ He's... a...Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:37,129 --> 00:00:38,595
"Happy Birthday, Dog"?
11
00:00:38,614 --> 00:00:41,265
Sorry, I spaced on your name
at the party store.
12
00:00:41,283 --> 00:00:42,432
Have a good one, Brent.
13
00:00:44,361 --> 00:00:46,103
Thanks for having us, Peter.
14
00:00:46,196 --> 00:00:48,530
I don't recall
inviting Kevin, but sure.
15
00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:49,864
His name you remember!
16
00:00:49,958 --> 00:00:52,109
I think it's ridiculous
to have a party for a dog.
17
00:00:52,127 --> 00:00:54,945
Why spend money on something
he can't even comprehend?
18
00:00:56,799 --> 00:00:58,949
This ball is nuts.
19
00:00:59,042 --> 00:01:00,967
Hey, happy birthday, Brian!
20
00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:03,062
Bonnie and I got you
a big stick.
21
00:01:03,213 --> 00:01:04,712
Wow, thank you!
22
00:01:04,732 --> 00:01:06,139
I'm gonna take it
into the kitchen
23
00:01:06,292 --> 00:01:08,358
and I don't foresee having
any issues with that.
24
00:01:16,151 --> 00:01:17,892
Okay, I can make this work.
25
00:01:17,912 --> 00:01:19,803
Think, Brent, think.
26
00:01:19,896 --> 00:01:21,655
Uh, Joe,
isn't that the same stick
27
00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:23,064
we gave you for your wedding?
28
00:01:23,158 --> 00:01:24,991
You told me it was a magic wand.
29
00:01:25,144 --> 00:01:26,901
I pointed it at a bus,
the bus crashed,
30
00:01:26,995 --> 00:01:28,420
that's all I'm saying.
31
00:01:29,924 --> 00:01:31,164
Happy Birthday, Brian.
32
00:01:31,317 --> 00:01:32,574
I got you a card.
33
00:01:32,742 --> 00:01:35,577
On the front it says, "Too much
sex ruins your eyesight"
34
00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:38,079
and on the inside it says,
"Happy Birthday,"
35
00:01:38,099 --> 00:01:40,915
but all blurry--
Oh! I gave it away!
36
00:01:41,009 --> 00:01:44,494
It also says,
"Love, Aunt Judy and Uncle Bob."
37
00:01:44,588 --> 00:01:48,440
A joke that good doesn't
celebrate just one birthday.
38
00:01:48,667 --> 00:01:50,016
Well, fellas, I'm off.
39
00:01:50,111 --> 00:01:52,018
Old Joe's got
a big stakeout this week,
40
00:01:52,171 --> 00:01:54,020
so I'm gonna practice
by watching the party
41
00:01:54,115 --> 00:01:55,739
from across the street.
42
00:02:02,348 --> 00:02:06,683
"Those who doubt the wand's
power suffer the wand's wrath."
43
00:02:06,702 --> 00:02:09,035
Leviticus 26:12.
44
00:02:11,023 --> 00:02:13,373
Was anybody gonna wake me up
for the party?
45
00:02:13,525 --> 00:02:15,300
It's 6:30.
I went down at noon.
46
00:02:15,452 --> 00:02:18,453
Now I'm gonna be up all night,
watching bad reality TV.
47
00:02:18,547 --> 00:02:21,956
We now return to
Uber Driver: Ninja Warrior.
48
00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:27,371
First, he's gotta
swing on the gold chains
49
00:02:27,464 --> 00:02:30,482
across the cologne bath withoutdropping his e-cigarette.
50
00:02:31,727 --> 00:02:32,893
Next, he's gotta pick up
51
00:02:32,987 --> 00:02:35,136
a ride share customer.
52
00:02:36,991 --> 00:02:39,974
Now he's gonna be late, buthe's going to make it seem like
53
00:02:39,994 --> 00:02:41,142
the passenger's faultand not his.
54
00:02:41,162 --> 00:02:42,736
Where the hell have you been?
55
00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:44,163
I been here, man.
56
00:02:44,314 --> 00:02:45,889
Maybe you press wrong button.
I don't know.
57
00:02:45,908 --> 00:02:49,459
Now don't talk to me. I'm on
four different phone calls.
58
00:02:56,251 --> 00:02:57,509
Hi, everyone, Peter Griffin.
59
00:02:57,661 --> 00:03:00,012
Welcome to the roast portion
of the evening.
60
00:03:00,239 --> 00:03:02,422
Ladies and gentleman:
my son, Chris.
61
00:03:02,574 --> 00:03:04,666
Born on the highway,
because that is where
62
00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,760
most accidents happen.
Peter!
63
00:03:06,854 --> 00:03:08,078
But we're here to talk about
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00:03:08,096 --> 00:03:09,688
Brian getting
another year older.
65
00:03:09,839 --> 00:03:12,416
You know, I hear he can't even
bury a bone these days
66
00:03:12,434 --> 00:03:13,767
without Viagra.
67
00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:16,177
Ha, all right,
all right, I can take it.
68
00:03:16,271 --> 00:03:18,530
And they say you can't teach
an old dog new tricks,
69
00:03:18,757 --> 00:03:21,608
but I heard Brian just learned
how to roll over and beg...
70
00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:23,035
for an erection.
71
00:03:23,262 --> 00:03:25,019
Okay.
That's sort of
72
00:03:25,113 --> 00:03:26,930
just another jab
at my penis, but sure.
73
00:03:26,949 --> 00:03:28,040
On the positive side,
74
00:03:28,267 --> 00:03:30,283
Brian's latest book
was a real page-turner.
75
00:03:30,436 --> 00:03:32,936
Yeah, I turned the pages
into toilet paper.
76
00:03:33,071 --> 00:03:34,287
'Cause Brian's old now
77
00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:36,715
and can't satisfy women
through intercourse.
78
00:03:36,942 --> 00:03:37,958
Peter, I'm fine.
79
00:03:38,110 --> 00:03:39,443
Are you sure
this isn't about you
80
00:03:39,461 --> 00:03:41,111
not being able to perform
on your anniversary?
81
00:03:41,129 --> 00:03:43,388
I told you that in confidence!
82
00:03:49,063 --> 00:03:50,454
Whoa, slow down, buddy.
83
00:03:50,472 --> 00:03:52,305
It's snack time,
not Black Friday.
84
00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:53,807
Nobody's walking outta here
85
00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:55,792
withFirst Wives Club
on Blu-ray, okay?
86
00:03:55,811 --> 00:03:57,143
Nice as that sounds.
87
00:03:57,238 --> 00:03:59,554
I heard there's a special
feature on the Blu-ray
88
00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:02,056
that's just Diane Keaton
shrieking the commentary.
89
00:04:02,150 --> 00:04:03,242
Huge, if true.
90
00:04:03,469 --> 00:04:06,470
Actually, Stewie,
there's something important
91
00:04:06,488 --> 00:04:08,580
I sorta need
to talk to you about.
92
00:04:08,807 --> 00:04:09,806
Okay.
93
00:04:09,941 --> 00:04:12,918
I recently found out
I have cooties.
94
00:04:13,069 --> 00:04:14,902
And you're telling me why?
95
00:04:14,997 --> 00:04:16,646
Well, I mean, uh...
96
00:04:16,665 --> 00:04:17,981
remember last week?
97
00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:19,258
When we ate from
the same Play-Doh?
98
00:04:22,321 --> 00:04:25,005
♪ He likes bread and butter ♪
99
00:04:25,157 --> 00:04:27,991
♪ He likes toast and jam ♪
100
00:04:28,084 --> 00:04:30,602
♪ That's whathis baby feeds him ♪
101
00:04:30,754 --> 00:04:32,920
♪ He's her loving man ♪
102
00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:36,608
♪ Well, I likebread and butter ♪
103
00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:39,278
♪ I like toast and jam. ♪
104
00:04:39,429 --> 00:04:40,504
Stewie, listen.
105
00:04:40,597 --> 00:04:42,355
I just think
you should get tested, okay?
106
00:04:42,508 --> 00:04:45,025
What? You mean
I played with the Play-Doh
107
00:04:45,177 --> 00:04:47,177
everyone you ever played
Play-Doh with played with?
108
00:04:47,195 --> 00:04:48,361
I've been played!
109
00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:53,199
Can I have a chocolate milk
with my snack today, please?
110
00:04:53,294 --> 00:04:57,045
What? Honey, the chocolate milk
is the snack.
111
00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:03,693
Hey, Bonnie. Is Joe around?
112
00:05:03,787 --> 00:05:05,195
No, he's on his stakeout.
113
00:05:05,213 --> 00:05:06,138
Oh, that's too bad.
114
00:05:06,365 --> 00:05:08,289
Tomorrow's Chris's Career Day,
115
00:05:08,383 --> 00:05:10,550
and Joe's hat is a key element
of what I do.
116
00:05:10,702 --> 00:05:13,812
So that's how I became
Quahog's first ninja cop.
117
00:05:13,963 --> 00:05:15,647
Questions?
Yes.
118
00:05:15,799 --> 00:05:17,298
Mister--
Officer Hi-yah.
119
00:05:17,318 --> 00:05:19,209
Did you park in
the handicapped spot?
120
00:05:19,227 --> 00:05:21,044
Ninjas don't have cars.
121
00:05:21,063 --> 00:05:22,212
Well, it's gettin' towed.
122
00:05:22,305 --> 00:05:24,156
Oh, no! My Chevy Cruze!
123
00:05:24,383 --> 00:05:25,899
Thank you. Thank you.
124
00:05:26,051 --> 00:05:28,142
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
125
00:05:29,312 --> 00:05:31,646
Man, something
smells good in here.
126
00:05:31,740 --> 00:05:32,998
You cooking brussels sprouts?
127
00:05:33,225 --> 00:05:34,649
No, I just farted.
128
00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:35,742
That checks out.
129
00:05:35,894 --> 00:05:37,227
Anyway,
somethin' else smells good.
130
00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:38,745
I think dinner's ready.
131
00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:40,113
I didn't hear a ding.
132
00:05:40,265 --> 00:05:41,840
That's how I always know
to run into the kitchen,
133
00:05:41,991 --> 00:05:43,249
shove a napkin in my shirt
134
00:05:43,402 --> 00:05:45,251
and hold my utensils
upright at the table.
135
00:05:45,404 --> 00:05:48,597
Well, I made it in the oven,
not the microwave.
136
00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:54,227
You want a little taste?
137
00:05:57,082 --> 00:05:58,264
Holy crap.
138
00:05:58,417 --> 00:06:00,250
That's the best thing
I've ever had.
139
00:06:00,268 --> 00:06:02,861
You know, I usually cook
for one-and-a-half,
140
00:06:03,012 --> 00:06:05,179
but Joe's still on his stakeout.
141
00:06:05,273 --> 00:06:06,365
You want to stay for dinner?
142
00:06:06,516 --> 00:06:09,183
Ah, man, I'd love to,
but it'd be wrong.
143
00:06:09,277 --> 00:06:10,702
I always eat dinner with Lois.
144
00:06:10,929 --> 00:06:12,278
Aw, you sure?
145
00:06:12,431 --> 00:06:14,873
You can sit in Joe's
dining harness if you like.
146
00:06:15,024 --> 00:06:16,208
How's he get into that thing?
147
00:06:16,359 --> 00:06:18,618
We have a large array
of medical-grade cranes
148
00:06:18,770 --> 00:06:19,953
and pulleys that lift him.
149
00:06:20,105 --> 00:06:22,381
Man, that must make
the house ugly.
It does.
150
00:06:22,608 --> 00:06:25,233
All right,
I guess I could text Lois.
151
00:06:25,235 --> 00:06:27,094
But just this once.
152
00:06:58,493 --> 00:06:59,901
Okay, we're good.
153
00:06:59,995 --> 00:07:02,178
So, how long have you
had Invisalign?
154
00:07:02,180 --> 00:07:03,663
You can see it?
Yeah, I mean,
155
00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:06,007
it's just a name, not a fact.
156
00:07:10,989 --> 00:07:13,006
Okay, Stewie, think positive.
157
00:07:13,158 --> 00:07:14,916
The test results
will be negative.
158
00:07:15,010 --> 00:07:16,342
Chin up, bud.
159
00:07:16,495 --> 00:07:19,921
Incontinence is really not
that uncommon at your age.
160
00:07:20,015 --> 00:07:21,848
What underwear do you recommend?
161
00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:23,683
Depends.
162
00:07:23,835 --> 00:07:25,110
Sorry, old joke.
163
00:07:25,261 --> 00:07:27,520
Now, get out of here
and go have some fun.
164
00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:29,614
Make some fake skin
out of dried glue, would ya?
165
00:07:29,841 --> 00:07:31,432
All right, who's next?
166
00:07:31,526 --> 00:07:32,767
Oh.
167
00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:34,936
Stewie. Come in.
168
00:07:36,105 --> 00:07:40,107
Okay, I just want to verify
some medical history here.
169
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:42,202
Any recent boo-boos?
170
00:07:42,354 --> 00:07:43,186
No.
171
00:07:43,279 --> 00:07:44,871
Any ouchies or uh-ohs?
172
00:07:45,023 --> 00:07:46,039
No, nothing like that. God.
173
00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:47,524
Good, good.
174
00:07:47,542 --> 00:07:49,283
And how many boogies
would you say
175
00:07:49,303 --> 00:07:52,137
you consume in a week?
Oh, God, maybe, like... one.
176
00:07:52,288 --> 00:07:54,531
Maybe two during the holidays.
Maybe.
177
00:07:54,549 --> 00:07:56,123
Stewie, I'm your doctor.
178
00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:57,458
I can tell
just by looking at you
179
00:07:57,478 --> 00:07:59,035
that you're eating
more than that.
180
00:07:59,054 --> 00:08:01,313
I'm thinking you had one
just on the way here.
181
00:08:01,540 --> 00:08:03,297
What?
182
00:08:03,358 --> 00:08:04,649
Okay, I did! I'm sorry.
183
00:08:04,801 --> 00:08:07,210
I've just been so nervous
about these test results.
184
00:08:07,303 --> 00:08:09,395
Well, that's understandable,
185
00:08:09,548 --> 00:08:13,808
seeing as how you did
test positive for cooties.
186
00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:16,069
What? That's terrible!
187
00:08:16,221 --> 00:08:19,331
I think you need to get
your affairs in order.
188
00:08:19,482 --> 00:08:21,333
I don't have any affairs!
I'm one!
189
00:08:21,484 --> 00:08:23,335
Well, then you're ready to die.
190
00:08:32,328 --> 00:08:33,753
Did you say something?
Me?
191
00:08:33,905 --> 00:08:34,921
No, just humming.
192
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:37,073
It's part of my alternative
cooties therapy.
193
00:08:37,092 --> 00:08:39,409
Did you know you can
literally vibrate disease
194
00:08:39,427 --> 00:08:40,593
out of the body?
195
00:08:40,746 --> 00:08:42,003
No, I know the opposite of that.
196
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:43,763
Oh, Brian. You'll see.
197
00:08:43,915 --> 00:08:45,081
When you get
this close to death,
198
00:08:45,100 --> 00:08:46,766
your whole perspective changes.
199
00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:49,319
I got your meds, honey.
200
00:08:51,606 --> 00:08:53,439
My father never loved me,
201
00:08:53,534 --> 00:08:56,868
but Stewie--
he take good care of me.
202
00:08:57,095 --> 00:08:59,687
Who was that?
That's my 20-year-old nurse.
203
00:08:59,781 --> 00:09:01,264
He's wearing homemade sandals.
204
00:09:01,357 --> 00:09:02,874
Yeah, he has
no medical training.
205
00:09:03,101 --> 00:09:04,376
Stewie, aren't you being
a little dramatic
206
00:09:04,603 --> 00:09:05,602
about this cooties thing?
207
00:09:05,620 --> 00:09:08,104
Brian, this is
the Flintstones cocktail
208
00:09:08,123 --> 00:09:09,548
I have to take every day.
209
00:09:09,699 --> 00:09:11,608
17 Barneys. 18 Wilmas.
210
00:09:11,701 --> 00:09:14,294
I have to take the Bam-Bams
just to keep things moving.
211
00:09:14,446 --> 00:09:16,037
Does this seem dramatic to you?
212
00:09:16,131 --> 00:09:17,222
Yes, incredibly.
213
00:09:17,373 --> 00:09:19,616
Stewie, I found one! Come look!
214
00:09:19,709 --> 00:09:22,135
He likes to find frogs
in the garden
215
00:09:22,287 --> 00:09:23,228
and then show them to me.
216
00:09:23,379 --> 00:09:26,022
His simplicity keeps me young.
217
00:09:31,296 --> 00:09:33,220
Peter, what's wrong?
218
00:09:33,315 --> 00:09:34,555
You don't have an appetite.
219
00:09:34,575 --> 00:09:36,408
I'm gonna get one,
just give me a minute.
220
00:09:36,559 --> 00:09:38,059
You've barely touched
your dinner.
221
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:39,636
Lois, the more
you talk about it,
222
00:09:39,654 --> 00:09:40,804
the more it's gonna be
a whole thing.
223
00:09:40,897 --> 00:09:42,581
Just let me focus here.
224
00:09:43,809 --> 00:09:46,167
Okay, okay, that's working.
225
00:09:47,495 --> 00:09:49,662
Mmm, oh, this is better, Bonnie.
226
00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:51,590
Did you just call me Bonnie?
227
00:09:51,817 --> 00:09:53,817
No! God-God, no!
228
00:09:53,835 --> 00:09:55,501
We all heard it, Dad.
229
00:09:55,596 --> 00:09:56,678
Hey, Chris?
230
00:09:58,081 --> 00:10:00,173
'Kay? Got it?
231
00:10:00,325 --> 00:10:02,100
Well, what if I spiced it up
for you, Peter?
232
00:10:02,327 --> 00:10:04,603
I-I think I saw
a take-out mustard packet
233
00:10:04,754 --> 00:10:05,937
in the key drawer.
234
00:10:06,089 --> 00:10:07,330
That's a water bed
for my army guy.
235
00:10:07,423 --> 00:10:09,165
What if you spun
the plate around, Dad?
236
00:10:09,184 --> 00:10:10,442
Tried it from behind?
237
00:10:10,669 --> 00:10:12,001
Meg, go to place.
238
00:10:12,020 --> 00:10:13,594
Ugh, do I have to?
239
00:10:13,614 --> 00:10:15,196
I said "go to place"!
240
00:10:18,693 --> 00:10:20,952
Anyway, Lois, I think
it's a non-starter tonight.
241
00:10:21,179 --> 00:10:22,436
I'm just gonna
go to the bathroom,
242
00:10:22,530 --> 00:10:25,014
look at pictures of barely-legal
Russian food on my iPad,
243
00:10:25,033 --> 00:10:27,167
and then go to bed.
244
00:10:31,373 --> 00:10:32,538
Okay, we're rolling.
245
00:10:32,633 --> 00:10:36,359
Hi, I'm Tony Award winner
Stewie Griffin-Styles.
246
00:10:36,378 --> 00:10:38,786
What?
It's called manifesting, Bri.
247
00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:41,047
Anyway,
everything I have and own
248
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:42,882
is being left
to Rupert in a trust
249
00:10:43,034 --> 00:10:44,792
for when he gets sober.
250
00:10:44,811 --> 00:10:47,294
And no, Rupert, getting high
is not getting sober,
251
00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:49,797
I don't care if you found
the one AA group in town
252
00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:50,982
that tells you otherwise.
253
00:10:51,134 --> 00:10:52,667
Brian, are you getting
my right angle?
254
00:10:52,727 --> 00:10:54,377
You said you wanted it
from the left side.
255
00:10:54,396 --> 00:10:55,970
You want it from the right?
256
00:10:56,064 --> 00:10:58,047
The left angle is
the right side.
257
00:10:58,141 --> 00:10:59,565
Okay, back to one.
258
00:10:59,718 --> 00:11:04,079
Stewie, you got a letter from
the Make-A-Wish Foundation.
259
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:07,999
Oh, my God, they've
accepted my application!
260
00:11:08,151 --> 00:11:10,001
I'm gonna get
my final wish granted!
261
00:11:10,153 --> 00:11:13,672
I get to meet the Philadelphia
Flyer's mascot, Gritty!
262
00:11:13,823 --> 00:11:15,581
Gritty, Gritty. Gritty.
263
00:11:15,734 --> 00:11:18,325
I'm not going to pee in a cup
for you, so stop asking.
264
00:11:18,420 --> 00:11:21,262
This was supposed to be my day
and you're ruining it.
265
00:11:26,411 --> 00:11:28,912
You'll Venmo me for this,
too, I suppose?
266
00:11:31,917 --> 00:11:33,082
Oh, Brian,
I'm glad you're here.
267
00:11:33,101 --> 00:11:35,768
Me and a bunch of other
buff cooties victims
268
00:11:35,862 --> 00:11:37,178
are gonna shut down
the third floor
269
00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:39,364
of a Bloomingdale's tomorrow.
What do you think?
270
00:11:41,593 --> 00:11:42,683
She's alive, right?
271
00:11:42,777 --> 00:11:44,018
Stewie, come on,
this is ridic...
272
00:11:45,855 --> 00:11:47,188
Do you mind this music, Bri?
273
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:49,374
Do you like opera?
Not really.
274
00:11:49,525 --> 00:11:52,377
Oh, Bri, you really haven't
heard "The Wheels on the Bus"
275
00:11:52,528 --> 00:11:54,695
until you've heard it
in its original Italian.
276
00:11:54,789 --> 00:11:57,623
♪ Le ruote del bus ♪
277
00:11:57,776 --> 00:12:00,777
♪ Il turno ♪
278
00:12:00,795 --> 00:12:03,112
♪ Il turno... ♪
279
00:12:03,131 --> 00:12:04,297
Enough, Stewie!
280
00:12:04,391 --> 00:12:05,949
You've taken this
whole thing too far.
281
00:12:05,967 --> 00:12:07,392
I'm washing my hands
of your cooties.
282
00:12:07,619 --> 00:12:09,635
Which, had you done
in the first place,
283
00:12:09,730 --> 00:12:11,788
might have prevented all this.
284
00:12:11,806 --> 00:12:12,956
You see, Rupert?
285
00:12:13,049 --> 00:12:15,216
That's why I'm glad
you stopped drinking.
286
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,277
You were that ugly.
287
00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:23,967
Yoo-hoo. Anyone home?
288
00:12:24,060 --> 00:12:26,393
I'll get it.
No, I got it!
289
00:12:26,413 --> 00:12:29,748
Aw, they sure do grow up fast,
don't they?
290
00:12:29,899 --> 00:12:31,824
Chris, have you
masturbated today?
291
00:12:31,977 --> 00:12:34,477
No, ma'am.
Well, get up there.
292
00:12:34,496 --> 00:12:36,588
And don't come back
till you're...
293
00:12:36,815 --> 00:12:38,072
What's for dinner?
294
00:12:38,166 --> 00:12:40,759
What are you doing here?
My family's right inside.
295
00:12:40,986 --> 00:12:42,910
I thought you might want
some lunch.
296
00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:44,578
Joe's still on his stakeout
297
00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:47,215
and I know you like
wagon-wheel pasta.
298
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:48,841
Of course I like
wagon-wheel pasta.
299
00:12:48,994 --> 00:12:50,602
I'm an adult with
a developmental disorder.
300
00:12:50,829 --> 00:12:53,420
Man, that smells good.
301
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:55,331
Okay, fine.
But, we gotta do this quick.
302
00:12:55,391 --> 00:12:57,066
Right here against the wall.
303
00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:10,938
Hey, Stewie, I wanted
to apologize for last night
304
00:13:11,032 --> 00:13:13,016
and also maybe
charge my phone...
305
00:13:13,034 --> 00:13:14,626
What the hell?
306
00:13:18,039 --> 00:13:20,023
Hello, Brian.If you're watching this,
307
00:13:20,041 --> 00:13:21,691
it means you couldn't findyour phone charger
308
00:13:21,784 --> 00:13:22,967
and came in to use mine.
309
00:13:23,194 --> 00:13:24,544
Man, am I that predictable?
310
00:13:24,696 --> 00:13:25,970
Yes. Yes, you are.
311
00:13:26,197 --> 00:13:28,789
Anyway, I can see thatmy disease has become a burden
312
00:13:28,809 --> 00:13:29,974
to the people I love,
313
00:13:30,126 --> 00:13:32,126
so I've decidedto take a bus to Vermont
314
00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:34,295
to havephysician-assisted suicide.
315
00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:37,040
What?
I've left two suitsin my closet,
316
00:13:37,058 --> 00:13:38,207
and this is very important:
317
00:13:38,301 --> 00:13:39,392
the black is for the wake,
318
00:13:39,544 --> 00:13:41,135
the wool is forthe 'Gram story.
319
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:43,154
Two suits, Bri. Two looks.
320
00:13:43,381 --> 00:13:45,231
That's what peoplewould expect of me.
321
00:13:45,383 --> 00:13:46,566
Oh, my God. This is terrible.
322
00:13:46,718 --> 00:13:48,809
Okay, don't look at the tags,that's tacky.
323
00:13:48,903 --> 00:13:51,645
Well, I'm not telling you that,but not cheap.
324
00:13:51,665 --> 00:13:53,072
I don't care about the suits!
325
00:13:53,224 --> 00:13:55,316
Anyway, you werea good friend, Bri.
326
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:57,410
Oh, and if they makea movie about my life,
327
00:13:57,504 --> 00:13:58,837
don't let Jim Carrey play me.
328
00:13:59,064 --> 00:14:00,413
Unless he gets his eyes done.
329
00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:03,566
Even then, though...Ugh, hard maybe.
330
00:14:03,659 --> 00:14:05,042
What have I done?
331
00:14:05,269 --> 00:14:06,252
This is all my fault.
332
00:14:06,404 --> 00:14:08,237
I drove my best friend away
333
00:14:08,331 --> 00:14:11,240
and now he's alone
and dying on a bus somewhere.
334
00:14:11,334 --> 00:14:13,759
Oh, also, you can havemy penis enlarging machine.
335
00:14:13,912 --> 00:14:15,228
It's in my closet.
336
00:14:19,601 --> 00:14:21,008
Ah! Did you look?
337
00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:22,694
Will you-will you text meif you looked?
338
00:14:30,095 --> 00:14:31,777
Hey, guys,
have you seen Stewie?
339
00:14:31,930 --> 00:14:34,097
No. Have you checked
his Instagram?
340
00:14:34,115 --> 00:14:35,765
Of course.
341
00:14:35,783 --> 00:14:38,284
"Felt a little trepidation
about killing myself,
342
00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:40,620
"so I went to a Phish show
in Burlington
343
00:14:40,714 --> 00:14:42,288
to push me over the edge."
344
00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:44,031
That's it.
He's in Burlington!
345
00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:45,441
Thanks, Chris.
346
00:14:45,460 --> 00:14:48,386
Long days,
short years, huh, Meg?
347
00:14:48,537 --> 00:14:51,431
Chris! Masturbate!
Jerk!
348
00:15:00,642 --> 00:15:04,051
This is seriously the best
turkey I've ever had, Bonnie.
349
00:15:06,798 --> 00:15:08,740
Looks like Joe's home early.
350
00:15:08,967 --> 00:15:11,058
What? I ate most of his dinner!
351
00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:13,469
He's gonna be so pissed.
I better hide.
352
00:15:13,488 --> 00:15:15,972
Hey, Bon, did you know
there's a difference
353
00:15:16,065 --> 00:15:17,640
between Tenth Street
and Tenth Avenue?
354
00:15:17,733 --> 00:15:20,476
Anyway, I may have bonered
the stakeout.
355
00:15:20,569 --> 00:15:22,754
Aw, thanks for
pre-chewing my meal, babe.
356
00:15:22,981 --> 00:15:26,165
The food shuttles out of
my cloaca much easier that way.
357
00:15:26,317 --> 00:15:29,243
Time to let these dogs
out of their cages.
358
00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:31,387
Bon, would you turn
on my foot fan?
359
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:36,159
I gotta create a distraction
so I can get out of here.
360
00:15:37,586 --> 00:15:40,271
Oh, God, Peter's texting me
about going to the Clam.
361
00:15:40,498 --> 00:15:42,331
That guy is getting
insufferable.
362
00:15:42,350 --> 00:15:44,500
And that dumb
Shaquille O'Neal GIF!
363
00:15:44,519 --> 00:15:46,110
It's like, we get it,
it's humorous
364
00:15:46,262 --> 00:15:48,354
for a man that large
to act playful.
365
00:15:48,506 --> 00:15:49,505
I thought so.
366
00:15:49,598 --> 00:15:51,065
So, anyway,
I'm gonna go dump all this
367
00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:53,618
completely undigested food
out of my bag,
368
00:15:53,845 --> 00:15:54,953
into the toilet.
369
00:15:55,104 --> 00:15:56,937
If I time it right
and close my eyes,
370
00:15:56,957 --> 00:15:59,165
it almost sounds like
real diarrhea.
371
00:16:01,352 --> 00:16:03,277
This can never happen again,
Bonnie.
372
00:16:03,338 --> 00:16:06,205
Time for a poignant,
cinematic farewell.
373
00:16:06,357 --> 00:16:09,133
♪ ♪
374
00:16:11,287 --> 00:16:14,472
I don't like
when Bill Murray is serious.
375
00:16:14,699 --> 00:16:17,350
♪ ♪
376
00:16:24,467 --> 00:16:26,359
Hang tight, Stewie, I'm coming.
377
00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:33,640
Is that--
is that Bernie Sanders?
378
00:16:33,735 --> 00:16:34,826
Ha!
379
00:16:34,977 --> 00:16:36,810
Goes to Vermont once.
380
00:16:36,830 --> 00:16:38,554
Ah! How'd you get in here?
381
00:16:38,573 --> 00:16:41,057
I was propelled
by a heart attack.
382
00:16:41,075 --> 00:16:43,226
Now, let me talk about wages
383
00:16:43,244 --> 00:16:45,561
while the corners of
my mouth fill with mung.
384
00:16:45,580 --> 00:16:47,413
Are your glasses
always that smudged?
385
00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:50,842
I haven't used a wipey cloth
in 35 years.
386
00:16:50,993 --> 00:16:52,902
You know who uses wipey cloths?
387
00:16:52,995 --> 00:16:54,086
Billionaires!
388
00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:56,405
I-I'm sorry, I agree with
everything you say,
389
00:16:56,499 --> 00:16:58,074
but can you just
say it softer?
390
00:16:58,092 --> 00:17:02,186
Ooh, someone at Coachella must
have said my name three times.
391
00:17:02,413 --> 00:17:04,147
Goodbye!
392
00:17:09,345 --> 00:17:12,179
Wow, Lois, this smells amazing.
393
00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:14,257
Yeah, it's eggs and garlic.
394
00:17:14,350 --> 00:17:16,743
I microwaved them
till they were mixed.
395
00:17:18,780 --> 00:17:21,614
Oh, oh, they're beautiful.
396
00:17:21,766 --> 00:17:22,874
I love them.
397
00:17:23,025 --> 00:17:24,191
Well, I'm just glad to see
398
00:17:24,285 --> 00:17:25,692
you like my cooking
again, Peter.
399
00:17:25,787 --> 00:17:27,545
What do you mean?
What other cooking would I like?
400
00:17:27,696 --> 00:17:29,714
Bonnie's? You saying
I've been eatin' at Bonnie's?
401
00:17:29,865 --> 00:17:32,032
Okay, fine, Lois! I've been
eatin' dinner at Bonnie's!
402
00:17:32,052 --> 00:17:33,626
I think we should have
another baby.
403
00:17:33,778 --> 00:17:34,627
That'll fix this.
404
00:17:34,779 --> 00:17:36,112
Peter, I don't care.
405
00:17:36,130 --> 00:17:37,129
You don't?
406
00:17:37,282 --> 00:17:39,632
No, it's less food
for me to make
407
00:17:39,784 --> 00:17:41,208
and besides, you know,
408
00:17:41,227 --> 00:17:43,061
these things happen
in all marriages.
409
00:17:43,212 --> 00:17:44,878
Now, if you'll excuse me,
410
00:17:44,898 --> 00:17:46,380
I'm going to go
into the other room
411
00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:49,233
and sing Melissa Manchester's
"Don't Cry Out Loud."
412
00:17:54,723 --> 00:17:56,741
No! No! Stop it! Stop it!
Nope! Nope! Can't afford it!
413
00:17:56,968 --> 00:17:58,392
Well, what can we afford?
414
00:17:58,411 --> 00:17:59,969
"Black Betty" by Ram Jam.
415
00:18:00,062 --> 00:18:01,637
♪ Whoa, Black Betty ♪
416
00:18:01,656 --> 00:18:03,472
♪ Bam-ba-lam,whoa, Black Betty ♪
417
00:18:03,566 --> 00:18:05,232
♪ Bam-ba-lam,Black Betty had a child ♪
418
00:18:05,326 --> 00:18:06,976
♪ Bam-ba-lam,damn thing gone wild ♪
419
00:18:07,069 --> 00:18:08,336
♪ Bam-ba-lam. ♪
420
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:13,740
Almost done, Stewie.
421
00:18:13,835 --> 00:18:16,168
Do you have an email address
for our mailing list?
422
00:18:16,321 --> 00:18:18,763
Uh, no thanks,
I'm about to kill myself.
423
00:18:18,914 --> 00:18:20,264
Stop the procedure!
424
00:18:20,491 --> 00:18:22,934
Look Stewie,
I know I've been hard on you,
425
00:18:23,161 --> 00:18:24,102
but it's only because I've been
426
00:18:24,253 --> 00:18:25,828
struggling with
my own mortality.
427
00:18:25,847 --> 00:18:27,939
What?
But you're perfectly healthy.
428
00:18:28,090 --> 00:18:30,666
Stewie, I celebrated
my tenth birthday this week.
429
00:18:30,685 --> 00:18:32,110
In dog years, I'm 70.
430
00:18:32,337 --> 00:18:33,853
It's all I can think about.
431
00:18:34,005 --> 00:18:35,671
That's the age people shrug at
432
00:18:35,690 --> 00:18:36,930
when they see it in an obituary.
433
00:18:37,024 --> 00:18:39,266
Wait, T.O., you're 70?
434
00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:41,435
Do you get regular peels?
You look great.
435
00:18:41,529 --> 00:18:43,696
Yes, I've got
a great gal, we'll talk.
436
00:18:43,848 --> 00:18:45,772
The point is,
I felt like my life was ending,
437
00:18:45,867 --> 00:18:47,032
but I was wrong.
438
00:18:47,185 --> 00:18:48,942
When I was driving up here
to the clinic,
439
00:18:48,962 --> 00:18:50,444
I saw the leaves change.
440
00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:52,872
I tapped a maple tree
and milked a cow.
441
00:18:52,966 --> 00:18:55,040
I-I tried fresh cream
for the first time
442
00:18:55,135 --> 00:18:56,692
and went to
a writer's retreat.
443
00:18:56,785 --> 00:18:59,637
I met Margaret Atwood and
we foraged for wild mushrooms.
444
00:18:59,864 --> 00:19:02,365
Wow, sounds like you were
in a real rush to get here.
445
00:19:02,383 --> 00:19:04,958
The point is, I've got
a lot of life left in me,
446
00:19:05,052 --> 00:19:06,477
and so do you.
447
00:19:06,704 --> 00:19:07,903
Easy for you to say.
448
00:19:07,963 --> 00:19:09,147
You don't have
a terminal illness.
449
00:19:09,298 --> 00:19:11,357
Oh, for God's sake,
you don't have...
450
00:19:13,060 --> 00:19:14,986
Brian, what are you doing?
Don't touch that!
451
00:19:15,213 --> 00:19:16,637
That's the infected Play-Doh!
452
00:19:16,731 --> 00:19:18,322
Brian, no! Stop!
453
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:21,808
There.
Now I have cooties, too.
454
00:19:21,903 --> 00:19:23,477
And I don't care.
455
00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:25,145
You... you don't?
456
00:19:25,165 --> 00:19:26,555
We all have cooties,
457
00:19:26,574 --> 00:19:29,650
whether it's illness
or loneliness or turning 70.
458
00:19:29,744 --> 00:19:31,002
Nothing is promised.
459
00:19:31,153 --> 00:19:32,837
We could get run over by a car.
460
00:19:33,064 --> 00:19:34,230
Or struck by lightning.
461
00:19:34,248 --> 00:19:36,365
We could be hit with
an unprecedented pandemic
462
00:19:36,417 --> 00:19:38,234
that the government is
slow to recognize,
463
00:19:38,252 --> 00:19:39,510
woefully unprepared for
464
00:19:39,662 --> 00:19:41,679
and then mismanages
with reckless incompetence.
465
00:19:41,830 --> 00:19:43,239
But that's all the more reason
466
00:19:43,257 --> 00:19:45,016
to appreciate
the time we do have.
467
00:19:45,167 --> 00:19:46,242
I mean, look around!
468
00:19:46,260 --> 00:19:48,427
Look at this room.
It's beautiful.
469
00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:51,096
Bri, did you eat
those mushrooms you found?
470
00:19:51,249 --> 00:19:53,858
Yeah. You actually look like
a very old witch right now.
471
00:19:54,085 --> 00:19:56,677
But I'm also just happy
to be alive...
472
00:19:56,696 --> 00:19:58,321
and you should be, too.
473
00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:02,258
You know what?
You're right, Brian.
474
00:20:02,351 --> 00:20:04,184
Too bad you can never
get that on the page,
475
00:20:04,278 --> 00:20:05,703
but that's profound.
476
00:20:05,930 --> 00:20:07,279
Hey, I changed my mind.
477
00:20:07,373 --> 00:20:09,540
I don't want
to do the procedure.
478
00:20:09,692 --> 00:20:10,875
My life isn't over.
479
00:20:11,026 --> 00:20:13,619
Why, I've only just begun.
480
00:20:17,050 --> 00:20:19,108
Stop it! Nope! Nope! Nope!
Can't afford it!
481
00:20:19,126 --> 00:20:20,885
Well, what can we afford?
482
00:20:21,112 --> 00:20:22,795
♪ Whoa, Black Betty,bam-ba-lam ♪
483
00:20:22,889 --> 00:20:24,555
♪ Whoa,Black Betty, bam-ba-lam ♪
484
00:20:24,782 --> 00:20:26,615
♪ Black Betty had a child,bam-ba-lam ♪
485
00:20:26,709 --> 00:20:28,142
♪ Damn thing gone wild,bam-ba-lam. ♪
486
00:20:33,958 --> 00:20:35,549
Yeah, you, first question.
Go ahead.
487
00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:37,718
Meg was noticeably absent
from the episode.
488
00:20:37,812 --> 00:20:39,962
Was that a team decision or...
Yeah, I'm not going to be
489
00:20:39,981 --> 00:20:41,239
answering
any questions about Meg.
490
00:20:41,390 --> 00:20:42,389
We'll be dealing
with Meg internally.
491
00:20:42,408 --> 00:20:43,799
Over here.
Do you think
492
00:20:43,892 --> 00:20:45,968
we'll be seeing more of
Peter and Bonnie teaming up?
493
00:20:46,061 --> 00:20:47,486
I thought it played
pretty well.
494
00:20:47,638 --> 00:20:48,895
Uh, we'll have to look
at the tape on that
495
00:20:48,915 --> 00:20:50,473
and, uh, make a decision
moving forward.
496
00:20:50,533 --> 00:20:52,157
Yeah.
You guys used
to be on at 9:00,
497
00:20:52,310 --> 00:20:54,310
now you're on at 9:30.
What happened with that?
498
00:20:54,328 --> 00:20:55,811
All right, I'm done here.
499
00:20:55,904 --> 00:20:57,997
This suit cost $40,000
500
00:20:58,149 --> 00:21:00,591
and I'm throwing it away
after this press conference.
501
00:21:00,743 --> 00:21:02,426
Okay, over here?37260
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