All language subtitles for All.About.Gila.2022.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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A NETFLIX COMEDY SPECIAL

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-[birds singing]
-♪ Josefina, Josefina ♪

Let's see. This goes here.

[phone ringing]

What timing.

Yes?

-[ringing]
-[Dani] Hello?

[ringing stops]

Yeah?

[energetic music playing]

Yes. Sure.

Definitely.

Okay. I'll be right there.

[grunts] Hello?

Sure. I'm right around the corner.
I'm on my way. [laughs]

Nacho and I will go.
Nobody can tell us apart anyway.

Right. See you soon.

Okay. Bye.

So? Did it work? Were they fooled?

-No, but we're going anyway.
-That's right!

How dare they tell us
we can't take David's place!

[phone rings]

What's up?

Mm, sorry, I can't.

I'm about to check out this show
with Spain's top comedians performing…

Oh. Yeah. That's the one.

Ah. [chuckles]

Well, I'm already here.

Okay then.

Whoa. Nice. I'm on time for once.

[phone ringing]

[phone continues ringing]

-♪ And roll! ♪
-[phone ringing]

Yes? I got my hands full at the moment.

Okay. I'll leave just as soon
as I send this important email. Later.

Yes, this is Arturo.

No, not Reverte. The one from Caiga.

Wyoming? No, the other guy.

I'm about to start a match,
but the show can't go on without me.

I'll be there.

[disguising voice]
Juan Carlos Ortega's office.

I'm on my way.

Of course the whole cast
of Pantomima will be there.

-Alberto and I are going.
-[man speaking on phone]

The banners? They'll be there too.

SUPPORTING ACT IN THEIR OWN SHOW

Of course. Is now a good time?

Sweetheart, I have to go.

Someday you'll understand.

I'll give it my all.
I wouldn't miss this for the world.

Okay, we'll do it.

Tronchi and Monchi are going all out.

[sighs] When are we gonna stop
saying yes to everything?

Same as all the big stars.
When we have a stroke.

[phone ringing]

[clears throat] Hello?

Sure. Give me five minutes.

Ten, tops.

[lively music playing]

[audience cheering and applauding]

[David] Hi.

[chuckles]

How's it going?

[audience continues cheering]

Thank you, everyone.

Thank you.

[clears throat]

How are you? Thanks for coming.

I want to tell you the story of my life.

It's wild, but then again,
it's the only one I have.

I could share my sister Elisa's,
but she's not a fan of that.

It makes her mad.
So how about I just focus on mine?

Something I should note.
I should've been born in the winter.

But my family was poor
and we didn't have heating.

So, I waited until May.

And then, bam! Out I came. [chuckles]

-[laughter]
-It caught everyone off guard.

My mom thought it was a false alarm
and went out to borrow some parsley.

I popped out on my own and went downstairs
to tell the building caretaker.

I said, "Ms. Julia, I'm a boy."

[audience laughs]

She went, "So?"

I said, "I was just born,
my mom's not home,

and I need milk.
So if you could just give me a little…"

She said, "Maybe. We'll see."

She ended up breastfeeding me.
Not a whole lot.

She didn't even have enough
for a macchiato.

[audience chuckles]

After all, she'd already breastfed 11 kids
and one staff sergeant.

Didn't even have the decency to marry her.
What an ungrateful lout.

Nothing but a pig who dunked churros
on her boobs. Outrageous, I tell you.

Just terrible.

So, I went home and sat down,
and when my mom came back,

I opened the door
and said, "Mom, I was born."

And she said,
"Don't you ever do that again!"

[audience laughs]

"I'm sick of you kids doing that!"

[audience applauds]

Nine siblings, plus my mom, my dad,

and some guy who sat in the hallway.

We didn't know him. That apartment…

We were really poor.

My mom abandoned us like orphans.

She left us in baskets on doorsteps.

She left me at the door
of some very wealthy marquises.

They had everything.

Ties, soup…

[audience chuckles]

They flushed their toilet
with mineral water.

And their X-rays were in oil on canvas.

Painted by Goya. It was crazy.

[chuckles] You know.

[audience applauds]

But then the marquises
wanted me to finish high school.

Which, you know, is that thing
that helps you do crosswords and stuff.

It's very useful, actually.
But it wasn't my thing.

So, I took off and got a job
with this amazing photographer.

Guy could make anyone look good.
He could take a bum off the street

and make him look like
a green-eyed admiral.

He was amazingly talented.

I used the money I made
to go on a tour around Europe.

Super cheap.
I saw the entire continent for €40.

We moved at an incredible pace.

Nineteen countries in eleven days.
So fast.

The guides would say, "C'mon!"
The women would be like, "I gotta pee."

They'd say, "Pee in Holland. Let's go."

"Relax. Keep moving."

But it was great to see Europe.

To kick things off, they took us

to the Leaning Tower of London.
You may have heard of it.

Then to Paris
and the Awful Tower. Just beautiful.

The Lube Museum.

We didn't even have time to see the lube.

Like, "Where is it?
It's the one thing I wanted to see."

Then on to
the Tomb of the Ingrown Soldier.

And then the square where the French
"took the bad pill," or so we were told.

Eh, if you say so.

Then, to Napoleon's tomb.

The guide said, "Look. Napoleon's ashes."

And I was like,
"The guy sure smoked a lot."

"My God, that's wild."

-[audience applauds]
-[chuckles]

Then we went to Greece.
And Greece? Really, what can I say?

It's just there.

Uh, you can't be ignorant
and say, "Greece isn't there!"

It's there, all right.

But have you seen it?
It's a mess. Just terrible.

Everything's busted and ancient.
Older than dirt.

All the statues are broken.

One's got no head.
Another's missing an arm, a leg…

It's like, why not put them all together
and make one good one? [laughs]

Just one.

Right here.

[audience applauds]

I mean…

I didn't really like Greece
because we didn't get to see much.

We were like, "What country is this?"
They'd say "Greece."

And we were like, "The movie?"
Then it was back to the bus. Back home.

That's pretty much my life story.
I'll tell you more another day.

Thank you for coming.

-Thank you so much.
-[audience cheers]

Thank you, everyone.

[energetic music playing]

Thank you.

Thanks for coming.

See you.

Bye!

[piano music playing]

When I talk about war

and call the enemy on the phone…

It's because I'm trying to make fun of
things I find ridiculous

and lay them bare.

-[music fades]
-[audience cheers and applauds]

[takes a deep breath]
Hello? Is this the enemy?

Is this the en--?

Could you stop the war for a moment?

I said, could you
stop the war for a moment?

Now I can hear you.
I wanted to ask you something.

Um, are you planning to advance tomorrow?

Yes, but at what time?

[audience chuckles]

Okay, on Sunday then?

At what time?

At seven?

We're all in bed at seven.

[audience laughs]

Couldn't you do it in the afternoon?

After the soccer match.

[audience chuckles]

Will there be many of you?

Oof. Wow, that's brutal.

We won't have enough bullets.

Don't worry. We'll shoot,
and you can share them.

[audience laughs and applauds]

Listen, your spy was here yesterday.

Agustín. Short guy,
dressed like a flamenco dancer.

He took the maps to our powder magazine.

Ask him to return them.
They're the only ones.

Just tell him to make copies
and give them back.

Yes, we can't find
the powder or the magazine.

All right? Okay.

One question.
Could you stop the war for an hour?

One hour?

Our cannon's jammed.

Seems our sergeant stuck his head in

to inspect it,
and now he can't get it out.

[audience laughs]

Yes, he's still alive.
He's saying, "Get me out of here!"

Very much alive, yes.

[audience chuckles]

We tried soap.

It made his hair blond,
but he's still stuck.

[chuckles] Oh, sure.

Yes, I suppose firing might unjam it.

We hadn't thought of that.

[audience laughs]

So, we have an agreement, then?
See you on Sunday, yes? Right.

Bye.

[audience applauds]

See, now that's
what's so terrible about war.

It's dangerous, you know?

But there are some perks.

For example, I can double-park the tank
whenever I want to.

"Yeah, I left it there. So what?"

I can tell the cop,
"I'll blow your head off!"

He can't do a thing.
Excuse me. I need to make another call.

All right. Hello.

Is this the weapons factory?

Great. Is Emilio there?

That's right, the engineer.

Put him on. Put him on.

Tell him it's the army calling.

Emilio, I'm calling to file a complaint.

Two of the six cannons you sent yesterday

don't have holes.

[audience laughs]

We've taken to launching the shell
from the outside.

One guy pulls the trigger,
and another guy runs along with the shell.

[audience laughs]

Yeah.

[audience applauds]

It's going okay.

Only thing is,
once he gets tired, he drops it.

[audience laughs]

We don't know where.
The guy never comes back.

-[audience laughs]
-One more thing.

The submarine you sent yesterday,
we like the color,

but it doesn't float. Not one bit.

[audience chuckles]

We sent it to the ocean floor yesterday,
and it still hasn't come back up.

Oh, that was a ship?

[audience chuckles]

Well, it sure was hard to sink.

[audience laughs and applauds]

Considering how much it cost, you'd think
it would come with a user manual.

No, you'd better send another.
The one we have is wet.

I also wanted to ask,
how much for machine guns?

What if we buy two?

No, we're using a normal rifle.

We just get a guy
with a stutter to fire it.

-[audience laughs]
-Of course.

No, it's not the same.

It doesn't kill as well.

[audience chuckles]

We also don't have any tanks.
We just put a dwarf in a city car.

Instead of shooting, he hurls insults.

[audience laughs]

No, it doesn't kill. It just hurts morale.

[audience laughs]

So, let's see.
Send me two discount missiles,

an antiaircraft gun,

and that's it.

Oh, and an assortment of bullets.

We'll leave it at that, all right?

Okay. See you on Sunday.

Have a nice killing.

-Bye.
-[audience applauds]

[lively music playing]

[music fades]

These seats suck. We're such losers.

What? We have box seats.
They're expensive.

This is the worst.

You said there'd be funny performers,
but Vaquero's in the playbill.

[Juan Carlos] Good evening.

-How are you?
-[audience applauds]

[grunts]

I'll tell you what I have here.

I really liked Ernesto's skit.
It was great.

He called the enemy.

Gila also used to call the enemy a lot.

But in my case, the enemy called me.

He said, "I've got something for you."

"What?" "A cassette tape."

I've got it right here.

I asked, "What is it, enemy?"
He said, "Just play it."

So, I came up with something
you might enjoy.

I'll rewind the tape. Hold on a moment.

[tape rewinding]

Right to the start. There.

So, for the first time,
we can see Miguel Gila

while hearing what he heard on the phone.

This is the first time anyone's ever…

You'll be the first to hear
the voice of the enemy.

Let's play the video and tape together.

Start the video, please.

And I'll press play
at the right point so it syncs.

-[explosions blast on video]
-Let's see…

[phone rings]

-[Gila] Enemy?
-[enemy] Yes.

-Could you stop the war for a moment?
-[enemy] What?

-Could you stop the war?
-[enemy] Can you hear me?

-Now I can.
-[enemy] Okay.

-I have a question.
-[enemy] What?

-I…
-[enemy] What is it?

Are you planning to advance tomorrow?

-[enemy] Yes.
-At what time?

[enemy] No. Not tomorrow.

-When?
-[enemy] Sunday.

-Sunday? At what time?
-[enemy] Mm-hmm.

At 7:00 a.m.

We're all in bed at seven.

[enemy] Sorry.

-Couldn't you do it in the afternoon?
-[enemy] When?

After the soccer match.

-[enemy] Okay.
-Will there be many of you?

[enemy] Around 400.

-Wow, that's brutal.
-[enemy] It's a lot.

-We won't have enough bullets.
-[enemy] It is what it is.

Don't worry. We'll shoot,
and you can share them.

[enemy] Great. Good idea.

-Listen, your spy was here yesterday.
-[enemy] Which one?

Agustín. Short guy,
dressed like a flamenco dancer.

-[enemy] Yeah.
-He took the maps to our powder magazine.

Return them. They're the only ones.

[enemy] We want them.

Just tell him to make copies
and give them back.

[enemy] Do you need them?

Yes, we can't find
the magazine-- the powder magazine.

[enemy] We'll give you the map tomorrow.

Okay.

-Question.
-[enemy] Yes?

-Could you stop the war for an hour?
-[enemy] Why?

-Our cannon's jammed.
-[enemy] How'd that happen?

Seems our sergeant stuck his head in

to inspect it,
and now he can't get it out.

[enemy] Is he alive or…?

He's alive. We heard him say,
"Get me out of here!"

-[audience laughs]
-[enemy] The poor man.

We tried soap. It made his hair blond,
but he's still stuck.

[enemy] Maybe it'll unjam if you fire it.

Yes, I suppose firing might unjam it.

-[enemy] Of course.
-We hadn't thought of that.

[enemy] Don't worry.

-So, we have an agreement?
-[enemy] We attack on Sunday.

Okay, see you on Sunday.
Have a nice killing.

-[enemy] Likewise. Bye.
-Bye.

-[audience cheers]
-Good night!

[lively music playing]

-[music fades]
-[piano music playing]

I had a happy childhood.
I was a bit of a wanderer.

I'd roll my hoop
all the way to Canillejas.

And I'd play tip-cat
from Chamartín to Carabanchel.

But it was a happy and fun childhood.

We kids spent all day outside.

It was a lot of fun.

[audience applauds]

Don't clap too soon.
I haven't started. You might regret it.

I'm here to talk about
the problem with young folks.

You'll say, "They just have one problem."

Yes, I'm here to talk about
the housing problem.

It's kind of an issue for us.
We young people, I mean.

[audience chuckles]

What's so funny?
Victoria, I heard you laughing.

[Victoria laughs]

Uh, it's true.
It's not that there are no apartments.

There are, but it's just… [chuckles]

Look, two Saturdays ago,

a young friend of mine
invited me to lunch at his place.

Uh, yeah, I'm not young,
but I know some young folks.

He said, "I moved. Come by and visit."
I said, "Great. Send me the location."

He's like, "You don't need the location.
It's really easy to get here."

"Take the Toledo highway,
go through Cuatro Vientos."

"Uh, you'll see a little square
with a streetlamp."

"Go past it,
and in 200 meters, turn left."

"Take the second right,
Obispo Nicólas Street."

I said, "Okay." He said, "Keep going."

"At the third traffic light,
after the bridge, turn left."

"Drive for six or seven kilometers."

"You'll see a square. Keep going."

"Uh, go past the railroad crossing,
and in 200 meters, you'll see an avenue."

"Two, actually."

"The one on the left goes to Cascajuelos."

"Don't take it. You won't be able
to turn around until Butrillo."

"Take the one on the right."

"After eight kilometers, there's a detour
that says 'Fresh Air Estate.'"

[audience laughs]

"Keep going, and after two kilometers,
you'll see a restaurant called Hot Soup."

"Don't get distracted.
Take the next right,

and take the tunnel."

"Go through the tunnel,
and you'll see two roads."

"One to the hospital
and one to El Moñigal."

"Head for El Moñigal."

"Then you'll see some houses
with slate roof tiles."

"Keep going. Take the first right,
the second left, and the roundabout."

"Go right, U-turn, and the second left."

"My house is the third one on the left."

[audience cheers]

Um…

"It's so peaceful out here."

[audience laughs]

He says to me…

He goes, "You just can't live
in the city center anymore."

He says…

"Too much noise and pollution.
I moved to the outskirts."

I said, "The outskirts of what? Portugal?"

[audience laughs]

It wasn't always like this.

In our grandparents' time,
it was a different story.

Apartments back then…

Any kind you wanted,
they'd throw them at you.

You'd go out, they'd throw them at you.
You'd bring two home.

Your popsicle stick would say,
"You won an apartment."

"Again?" It'd wear you out, you know?

"What do I do with it? Where do I put it?"

These apartments were great.

The one my grandparents lived in…

It was like the part
of El Escorial Monastery

that Philip II didn't bother finishing.

My grandpa said, "Don't mind if I do."
The size of that house.

It was wonderful.

It had six bedrooms.

Six of them.

And four double bathrooms.

Bathrooms inside bathrooms,
like bars have.

It was incredible. Two dining rooms.

One for daily use
and one for celebrations.

Two kitchens, so you could choose
where you'd do the dishes.

The living room had six balconies,
all facing the sea.

And this was in Madrid!

[audience laughs]

It was amazing.

It was nuts how extravagant…

Balconies, hallways…

In the middle of a hallway,
there was a shower inside a roundabout.

Just nuts.

The house had three zip codes.

[audience laughs]

Naturally. Know how much they paid
every month?

Well, paid every once in a while.

In those days, you'd go to pay
and the landlord would say,

"Why argue? Buy the kids
something nice, and we'll call it even."

"That'll do."

Things are different these days.

My cousin Laura
just moved out of her parents' house.

Her rent isn't too bad.

She's paying,

well, her whole salary.

She doesn't even get the…
Her paycheck goes straight to rent.

It bypasses her bank account.

-[audience applauds]
-Why bother?

No.

They required one
of her vital organs. Just one!

[audience chuckles]

As a deposit. They'll return it
if she doesn't wreck the place.

Not a problem.

Not too bad.

My cousin Laura's not doing too bad.
She's very lucky.

Rent is pretty tricky. It's better to buy.

Nowadays, banks will just
give you a house if you want one.

They just give it to you.

Trust me, bankers are wonderful people.

[audience laughs]

They really are.

[audience applauds]

They're great. Mm.

You ask, "Can I get a house?"
and they say, "Yes."

Their heart is always in the right place.

They're down in a sewer drain saying,
"Come, I'll give you a house. Come."

Sure, they have to ask you
for a small commission fee.

Something like,
I don't know, 80%. It's not a lot.

It's the thought that counts.
They don't ask for much.

[audience applauds]

Ah. Listen, what time is it?

Ooh. That late? And today is Tuesday.

I'm seeing my friend
in the outskirts on Saturday.

I need to go now to make it on time.
Thanks! Good night!

It's been an honor.

[audience cheers]

[upbeat music playing]

I don't get why we're up here.

We should be
with the other comics, representing.

Showing our faces.

-Do I embarrass you?
-[whispering] Yes, you do.

[audience cheers]

How are you?
[clears throat] How's it going?

All right?

I'm traveling now. Ah, traveling.

The worst part about traveling
is choosing how to get around.

You ask yourself,
"What's best? By car? Train?"

Uh, "Bus? Plane?"

They all have their pros and cons.

I love airplanes.

They're clean, comfortable, fast.

The pilots are elegant,
well-spoken people.

Like politicians,

but well-spoken.

[audience laughs]

Yes, I like airplanes.

I like trains too.

Trains, these days.

I don't know
if you remember what they used to be like.

The wooden seats were hard as a rock.

Some would be missing boards.

The hotel staff would ask,
"Anything to iron?"

"Yes, I'd like to iron my butt
if possible, please."

The worst thing
about traveling is jet lag.

It's like you took the wrong meds.

You'll lose your phone and find yourself
looking for it ten minutes later,

using the flashlight on your phone.

[exclaims]

Everything's backward.

You'll arrive in Thailand at 8:00 a.m.,
which is midnight here in Spain.

Someone's like, "It's a quarter to nine."

You go, "Yes, but what year is it?"

It's terrible. Everything's upside down.

So, I'm traveling now.

I'm in Africa,

as you can see.

[audience laughs]

In the jungle,
and I still haven't called my wife.

I'll call her now.

[imitates bird call]

I'm setting the scene.

[audience chuckles]

[imitating jungle animal call]

[audience laughs]

Hello?

Julita, I'm in--

Yes, the jungle, in Africa.

Yes, in the wild.

We were in Algeciras, and your dad said,
"Why don't we go to Africa?"

So, here we are.

No, I'm calling
to ask you to bring me a compass.

I don't have mine.

I'm using my watch. When I want
to go south, it says it's 4:15.

Yes. One more thing.

See if you can bring me a tap.

Yes. A cold water tap.

No. It's not that they shut it off.
It's that there is none.

There's a watering hole
with 20 wildebeest,

but it looks kinda crowded.

-[audience laughs]
-Yes. It's not too bad.

Yesterday I killed a Leopoldo.

A… I mean, a leopar-- A Leonardo.

I even took a photo.

Well, yeah, you have a point.

[imitating Juan Carlos I] "I'm very sorry.
I made a mistake. It won't happen again."

[audience applauds]

[Arturo] Yes.

Gila didn't say that part. That was…

[audience laughs]

Listen, your brother got his leg bit off
by a crocodile, and he's limping.

Not the crocodile, your brother.

He was using the binoculars backwards
and said, "Look at that. A lizard!"

[Arturo and audience laugh]

That guy.

Yeah?

Crocodiles are the ones
that look like your bag,

but they've got teeth and no handles.

-[audience laughs]
-Yeah.

Listen, a gorilla took off with Julito.

Tell his girlfriend not to wait for him.

I don't know.
The gorilla's intentions were good.

He seemed like a decent gorilla.

Though I doubt Julito
will survive the wedding night.

[audience laughs]

Yeah. We also saw some vultures.

Those huge, nasty birds

with long necks and feathers.

They look like your sister
when she dresses up for the opera.

Anyway…

Yes, it's dangerous out here.

I saw a friend
who hunts lions the other day.

He told me he almost died.

He was looking for lions,

lifted a branch, and a lion appeared.

Right there.

"What did it say?" The lion went…

[blows raspberry]

I said, "That's not a roar."
He goes, "It was facing the other way."

[audience laughs, applauds]

Well, that saved him.

It saved him. Yes?

No, in the end,
there's no place like home.

Call me if anything comes up.

All right, a big kiss. See you.

[audience applauds]

[upbeat music playing]

I'm so happy to be here tonight
because I'm a huge Gila fan.

-You are?
-Huge.

What's your favorite bit of his?

The one where he's like,
"You heard the one about…?" You know?

Dude, that's Eugenio.

[audience cheering]

Hi.

-[coughs] Thank you.
-Thank you.

[Róber] Thank you.

How are you doing?

Before we start,
I'm going to tell you a joke.

-A joke?
-A joke I just heard.

-A joke?
-About the fish and the doctor.

-Have you heard it?
-No.

So, there's this doctor
fishing by the river.

[chuckling] And suddenly,
a fish pops up and says,

"Doc, I need a prescription for worms."

-It's awesome. Just awesome.
-[audience laughs]

What a great joke.

[Alberto] I don't…

I'm sorry, but I don't get it.

What do you mean? It's pretty obvious.

You use worms to catch fish.

So, the fish asks the doctor
for a prescription for worms.

But I don't get the link between
fish caught with worms

and the doctor prescribing something
for an intestinal ailment

like having worms.

-[audience laughs]
-Look, never mind.

I just wanted to tell a joke
at a comedy show. I apologize.

Maybe I went too far.

I'm not gonna be pedantic,
but I'll explain it, okay?

In Freud's Jokes and Their Relation
to the Unconscious,

it says jokes are built upon
deviations from normal thought.

Philosopher Thomas Vischer

defines a joke as the ability

to link, with surprising speed,

several ideas that are,
in fact, unrelated,

both in their internal content
and the nexus to which they belong.

Well, then, first, I want to thank you
for not being pedantic.

It's something I…

[audience applauds]

I really hate when people
get pedantic and lecture you.

So, thanks for not doing that.

And, second, maybe the joke doesn't fit
what Freud and Vischer propose.

-No.
-And from a theoretical perspective,

maybe the joke's not fucking funny.

I'll also say that it's Gila's joke.

Well, I guess Gila had off days too.

-It's totally fine.
-I don't know.

I don't know. I liked the joke.
But I guess I'm just weird.

I guess my friends are right
when they say,

"You're very weird."

By friends…

you mean just me?

-Yes, you. The only friend I've got.
-[Alberto] Okay.

But you are weird, Róber.

You're weird, and you know it.

I mean, I'm not saying
I don't have quirks, but everybody does.

I admit that I get annoyed by some things
that don't bother most people.

For example, getting short-changed.
That's something that annoys me.

If I go for coffee
and give the waiter 20 euros,

and he brings me change for 10,
that annoys me.

Maybe if you paid with coins,

he wouldn't need to run back and forth
for something that costs 1.50,

and wouldn't rip you off.
But if you're a jerk…

I know it's a pain in the ass
for the waiter to run back and forth

three or four times for each coffee.

In fact, out of politeness,
I take whatever change he leaves me

and don't say a word.

So, it's one thing to screw me over once.
Consider it a tip.

-If it's every morning, it pisses me off.
-Yeah.

I think I can be open about this with you.

Just like I was pissed
at that junkie who mugged me with a knife.

Were you expecting him
to mug you with a baguette or something?

Look, I'm not objecting
to the junkie's MO.

In fact, the MO was very effective.

I'm objecting to him mugging me.

What a lack of empathy toward
someone struggling with addiction,

who has no choice but to mug people.

Just shut up and give him what you've got.

-Simple as that.
-I did. I gave him everything I had on me.

I knew he had problems.

But it annoys me that,
even though I gave him the money,

he still stabbed me twice.

I think that if you cough up the money,
you're not supposed to get stabbed.

You're saying it
as if he'd killed you or something.

You didn't even need stitches, Róber.

You're making more money
telling us about it

than he did by mugging you.

Let's be honest.

[audience applauds]

-Come on, man.
-I guess.

Róber…

You got a great story out of it.

Okay, I get it. I'm clearly the weird one.

I'd like to say I'm not
and not get so annoyed.

Like you. You never get stressed, man.

Your girlfriend's cheated on you
tons of times, and you don't mind.

It's called a polyamorous relationship.
It's about time you get with it.

We've talked about this.
It's called polyamory.

It's okay to be weird, but not backward.

We can have casual relationships
with anyone we want,

whenever we want, period.

That's the agreement.

But I'm taking it easy right now.

I'm taking it easy.

I'd rather watch TV shows
than go out every night

and have sex with different people.

But she's not into TV shows.
Whatever. That's fine.

I don't know. I was cheated on once.

It messed me up.

I was angry.

I still haven't gotten over it.

I'm probably taking it out
on the poor waiter,

the junkie, and the thieves.

Well, man, it's okay.
You'll meet someone soon.

Don't you worry.

I haven't lost hope.

I don't know, I guess
there are plenty of fish in the sea.

Sure, but are you gonna have
a relationship with a fish?

Or…?

No, by "fish," I mean "people."

So, there are plenty of people in the sea?

I mean, I'm sure there's a few,

but it seems weird
to meet people in the sea.

I don't know.

Besides, you don't look good
in a swimsuit. It's weird, man.

-And… I don't know…
-[audience applauds]

What sea are we talking about?

Is it the Red Sea?
The Black Sea? What sea is it?

By "the sea,"
I mean out there. In the street, in bars.

There are plenty of people out there.

Sorry for not understanding
the way you speak.

It'd be nice
if you didn't take everything literally.

What is that? Fish are people.

-And the sea is the street.
-[Róber] Yeah.

So, the fish joke

is about a person

who's not in the sea but in the street.

In that case, it makes sense
for the fish to ask the doctor

for a prescription for worms.
I guess that makes sense.

[audience cheers]

-Sure.
-[Róber] Yes.

Yeah. Yes. That was the joke.

The funny part
is that everything makes sense.

-[Alberto] Okay.
-That's what Gila was doing.

Telling very reasonable stories
that lacked any humor.

So that 20 years later,
we'd all gather here

to listen to his dullest stories.

That's what people want.

To spend money
to listen to dull and boring stuff.

Gila's boring stuff.

And I'm the weird one? Come on!

Go to hell.

-[audience laughs]
-[Robér] Thank you.

[audience cheers]

People always say to me,
"You're really weird."

Sorry. It's called having a personality.
Maybe you don't have one.

BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PERSONALITY

Do I think I'm weird?
I've always been different.

At school, in my neighborhood…

In college. Just different.

BASIC DISTINCT

I'm not into soccer.

I don't watch TV,

but I'm into things like films,
fashion, and urban music.

Not typical stuff.

HE'S PART OF THE OTHER 50%

I don't see myself in a conventional job.

A nine-to-five office gig.
Carrying my lunch box on the subway.

I'm a free guy.

HAS RICH PARENTS

I'm drinking kombucha.
Do you know what kombucha is?

Have you tried it?
Kombucha is the only thing I drink.

HE GETS IT: ANYWHERE

Seitan sandwich because I'm a flexitarian.

It's like being a vegan
but you can eat animal products.

This has eggs and cheese.

WHAT A PAIR

Wear this in my hometown? No way.

WEIRDO + WEIRDO

ORDINARY

I started wearing these shirts
before they were cool.

[audience cheers]

What's up?

Hello. How are you doing?

How's it going?

-I'm gonna do a little stand-up.
-[audience chuckles]

But excuse me.
I have to make a call first.

It'll only be a sec.

Just a moment.

Let's see. Contacts.
"Ch, ch, chu, chur, chur, church."

"Church…" I've got a few.

"Of Saint, Saint Bene, Saint Bene…
Saint Benedict." That's the one.

[scattered chuckles in audience]

Hi. Hello. Is this
the church of Saint Benedict?

Put Saint Benedict on. I mean, the priest.

I'm from the congregation.

Thank you.

Father Faustino. How are you?

It's me, Joaquín.

I'm calling to find out
how much you charge,

in pesetas, to officiate a wedding.

Man and woman. An old-school wedding.

No, it's not for me. It's for my cousin.

He wants to marry an American woman.

Heather. That's her name.
My cousin's name is Federico.

Yes.

That's outrageous.

No, that's a lot of money.

We weren't planning a budget wedding,
but something mid-range.

No, that's…

What? That's a fortune.

For starters, you're putting down
a carpet from the door to the car.

I think what we can do is
park at the door and put a doormat down.

[audience laughs]

That way, the floor won't get dirty.

What else can we do?

No, the choir can go too.

No choir.

We'll play a C. Tangana song instead.

[audience laughs]

Yes.

[audience applauds]

Yes. Hold on.
Don't clap. I can't hear him.

[audience laughs]

Any of them. They're all great.

[audience chuckles]

[splutters] Yeah, that one,
Father Faustino. That's a good one.

-♪ I was an atheist ♪
-[audience laughs]

♪ But now I'm a believer ♪

♪ Because a miracle like you ♪

Ah. All right.

The only thing is

my cousin says
that even though it's a simple wedding,

he wants the marriage
to last at least 6 years.

[audience laughs]

No, no, no.
Don't get me started, Father Faustino.

You did my brother Ernesto's wedding
and said, "Till death do you part,"

and a life coach split them up.

[audience laughs]

One more thing.

Yes. Does my cousin
have to bring his own bride…

[audience laughs]

…or can you provide one?

No, it's just that the girl
is kind of plain.

Do you maybe have a prettier one?

Is my cousin handsome?

He's uglier than the back end of a bus.

They're not a great-looking couple.

No, not your girlfriend.

I meant a spare bride.
Since so many get cold feet.

All right, then. Okay.

We'll bring the godparents,
and you'll provide the altar boys.

Great. Okay.

-Are you open on Sundays?
-[audience laughs]

They work during the week.

Well, I think that's it.

Okay. I'll let you know two days before
so you're not caught off guard.

Okay, Father Faustino.

Okay, sure.
When am I getting married? [laughs]

I live with my partner,
but I'm thinking about getting married.

This whole "partner" thing
makes us sound like we're cops.

[chuckles] Right.

Bye, Father Faustino. Goodbye.

-Anyway…
-[audience applauds]

Forgive me.

I had to make that call.

Weddings, what a great invention.

Inventions are really something.
My grandpa was an inventor.

He invented a mug.

He put the handle on the left
and called it a left-handed mug.

That wasn't the only thing he invented.

He also invented the poor man's colander.

With no holes, so they could keep
the broth and dunk bread in it.

Everyone in the neighborhood loved him.

So many people attended his funeral

that we had to bury him six times.

[audience laughs]

People chanted, "Encore!" so…

[audience laughs]

And we… [chuckles] Yeah.

[audience applauds]

We'd take him out, put him back in.
It was like baking a cake.

We'd bury him, and a neighbor would say,
"I haven't seen him," and out he'd come.

[audience laughs]

My grandpa was older than me.

[audience chuckles]

But I was the one who gave him advice.

"Grandpa, enough with the inventions.
We already have Asians for that."

Asians have some incredible inventions.

For example, Japanese inventions.

They have inventions for everything.

For instance,

think about this.

When you go to the bathroom,
don't you like a warm toilet seat?

Serious question.

-[audience chuckles]
-[Joaquín laughs]

One person here says yes.

Well, the Japanese…

[audience laughs]

…invented a device
that automatically heats the toilet seat.

I went to Tokyo a few years ago,

and you can't imagine
the toilets in Japan.

The number of things they have.

There's a button you press,

and it squirts water
straight at your butthole.

The pooper.

Asian and Caucasian buttholes
are in the same place.

[audience laughs]

Same coordinates. I promise.

[audience applauds]

You may think
Asians are short downstairs. Not true.

[audience laughs]

The plugs and sockets are different,
but buttholes are universal.

I tried out this invention.

"What does this button do?"
I pressed it and went, "Ooh. Ah."

It was a treat. Finish and get a squirt.

[audience laughs]

The Japanese have also been working
on an orthopedic leg

that you program on a computer.

Just like a day planner.
"Monday, go to the doctor."

"Tuesday, do my taxes."

"Wednesday, dinner out."
Put the leg on, and it takes you there.

[audience laughs]

Those Japanese.
But what about the Chinese?

Don't forget the Chinese.

They've invented amazing things.
Like gunpowder and rice.

Sounds like a perfect weekend
for a Valencian.

Thanks a lot!

God bless you. Thank you.

[energetic music playing]

-He doesn't have an Ondas Award.
-Nope.

-Neither does he.
-No.

-She doesn't either.
-No.

-This guy…
-No, and he's hideous too.

-Right?
-Terrible.

We can't hang out with people
who don't have Ondases.

Now that we have one,
we should associate with other people.

Know what they have that we don't, Cárol?

Money.

That's not contagious.

-[piano music playing]
-I went to a Catholic school.

You learn all those things

they teach in schools so you can do
crossword puzzles when you're older.

Rivers, mountains,
the Pythagorean theorem.

But I wrote a bunch of things
because I wanted, in some way,

to pay homage to my childhood friends

who weren't as lucky as I was
to have become famous

but who were very important to me
all throughout my childhood.

[audience cheers and applauds]

Hi. How are you?

You'll have to excuse me.

I have to make a call…
[scoffs] …and I'm a millennial.

I've never seen a landline before.
I'm stoked.

What a cute wire. Funny, isn't it?

Reminds me of my cat's harness.
It keeps him from climbing onto the roof.

I'm kidding. I don't have a cat.

My daughter wears a harness,
but that sounds worse.

She thinks the house is a climbing gym.
Come on!

No way.
Speaking of my house, it's a disaster.

You know? I'm

a single mom.

My house is a mess. It's awful.

[takes a deep breath] Let's see…

The monthly daycare bill.

[audience cheers and applauds]

Outrageous!

It's shameful.

These days, kids do everything
at an earlier age. It's amazing.

[in English] Hello? Hello?

[in Spanish] Yes. No Brexit
in the Sky Bilingual Daycare Center?

[audience laughs]

I don't want my daughter to be like me.
I can't speak a word of English.

Apart from "potato."

[audience laughs]

Yes, listen.

My daughter brought me
the daycare center bill,

and I'm wondering if there was
some mix-up with the diaper charges.

I mean, she's got constipation!

Right. You think so?

I don't get why it says here,
"Boarding school, 1,000 euros."

Is that for the school or the TV show?

[audience laughs]

Sure. Well, yes.

"Relaxing yoga, 70 euros."

Who's this yogi?

Ah. Can't you get Boo-Boo instead?

Oh, you can't?
Then put YouTube videos on for her.

I let her watch them all day to relax.

Yeah. She doesn't say "bread" now.
She says "yuca."

[audience laughs]

Look, there's something I don't get.

It says "Valencian classes, 100 euros."

I don't agree with this.

No. She's insulting my paella now.

But the worst thing is
she's calling me "nano," instead of "Mom."

"Nano, nano…"

Great.

Here's one thing I don't understand.
"Playground wear and tear."

Is she made out of sandpaper
and eroding the playground?

Why don't we go fifty-fifty on it?

Because, I mean… I don't know…

The playground wears away
at my daughter too. Don't you think?

Oh, sure.

There's more.
"Medical checkup, 100 euros."

Who was it for? My daughter or Mbappé?

[audience laughs]

By the way, my daughter told me
she's teaching science classes.

She has to teach them.

It's part of the what method?

The Montessori method? Isn't that a movie?

[audience laughs]

You don't charge
for these classes, do you?

Oh,

so it's a modern teaching method. I see.

In China, they call that child labor.

[audience laughs]

I'll tell her she should quit studying
and become a YouTuber. Done.

She'll stay home. Why not?

Soon, you'll have her fixing
the gym because Monte Cristo says so.

She can't even speak right.
What are you teaching them there?

She asked me, "Mom,
do you write 'high' with an H or not?"

"Of course you do.
Otherwise, it'd be 'ig.'"

-Seriously.
-[audience cheers]

You're…

You're not teaching her!

What's that?

[in English] Hello? Hello?

[in Spanish] They hung up. Screw them.

[in English] Bye-bye.

[in Spanish] Thank you.

-[audience applauds]
-[energetic music playing]

In all my monologues…

[piano music playing]

…absurd or not,
I try to say something that…

that has some purpose.

It's not just absurd.
It also has a touch of criticism or irony.

[audience applauds]

Thank you.

I can't believe this. This special
features nine men and only four women.

-There are ten men.
-No.

That's Quequé.

[audience applauds]

Good evening.

Allow me to make a very important call.

We've got a real mess
on our hands with the war. My God.

[audience laughs]

I have to do everything.

I have a general
who bought some binoculars.

And all day, he's like, "Check her out!"

[audience chuckles]

Stop peeping at balconies
and look at the trenches.

Oh well.

When it comes to getting medals,
he wants them all for himself.

"Give me that one.
That one too. The round one."

"Not that one. I already got that."

I've got a medal too.

A priest gave it to me.

I asked, "Can I have a medal?"
He felt sorry for me and gave me one.

It's from Saint Anthony.

[audience chuckles]

He signed the back.

[audience laughs]

It says, "To Héctor,
from your friend Saint Anthony. Big hug."

[audience applauds]

Hey. I deserve the medals.
I absolutely love war. I do.

Not to brag, but I kill…

Boy, do I kill. Pfft.

Just the other day, I shot an enemy. Pow!

He was like, "You shot me." I said, "Duh."

[audience laughs]

"What did you expect, a kiss?"

"You put a hole in me."
"Well, stick a cork in it."

"I need it for my canteen."
I'm like, "Shut up and die already."

"I'm trying to advance."

If the colonel sees me
talking to the enemy, I'm screwed.

My colonel's got some temper.

But he's a good guy.

The other day, we were in a firefight.

An old lady went to cross.
He said, "Stop firing."

We didn't shoot
until she finished crossing.

[audience laughs]

I love war. I really do.

The worst part for me is going home.

My wife and I argue like crazy.

As soon as I get home,
it's, "Look at you, all dirty."

[audience laughs]

"You went off looking like a million bucks
and came back filthy."

"We have to crawl through mud."
She says, "Then put newspapers down!"

[audience applauds]

Anyway…

I've got this cross-eyed lieutenant
who makes my day.

He says, "I take aim and don't miss."

Everyone's like,
"Careful which eye he uses to aim."

[audience laughs]

[applause]

War has a bad reputation,
but it has good and bad points.

I wasn't always a soldier.
I've had other jobs too.

I was once an apprentice thief
in a gang of thieves.

I had to quit because I got sick.

I was returning everything I stole.

[audience laughs]

Then I said, "I'm going to London."

I went to London and joined Scotland Yard.

You know Scotland Yard?

Damn!

You know Jack the Ripper,
the serial killer?

I caught him.

[audience laughs]

That's right, Jack the Ripper.

I've never told anyone
because I don't like to brag.

This is how it went down.

We were in Scotland Yard,
and we saw a guy sleeping in the street.

He'd been there over a month,
so the sergeant said,

"That's a long nap for an adult."

[audience laughs]

We called the coroner.

Not a doctor. He lived on the corner,
so we called him "the coroner."

[audience laughs]

The guy runs up to the body,
starts kicking him in the back,

and says, "He's either dead
or one tough son of a bitch."

Anyway, Sherlock Holmes came

and said, "This looks
like the work of Jack the Ripper."

We asked, "How do you know?"
"I'm Sherlock Holmes. That's why."

So, I found out which hotel
Jack the Ripper was staying at,

and I booked a room there.

But since I don't like violence,

I decided to smoke him out with hints.

I'd run into him in the hallway at night
and say, "Somebody killed someone."

[audience laughs, applauds]

"I'm not pointing any fingers…"

[audience laughs]

The next day, again,
I went, "Someone's a murderer."

[audience laughs]

"I'm no snitch, but…"

After 15 days, he said,
"I can't take it. It was me. Arrest me."

What a time…

I eventually left Scotland Yard
because being a cop in London sucks.

You have to walk the beat
fumbling around in the fog.

I'd slam into lampposts.

Now I do this for a living.

I don't really know what it is,
but I love it. Thanks.

[audience cheers]

[upbeat music playing]

I love how these red suits look on us.

Much better than pink.
I'm taking this one.

What? They're awful.
We look like Italian drug dealers.

And cover yourself up. We're feminists.

This is how it works.
I'm objectifying myself on TV.

Showing off a little.

-Nobody cares.
-[sighs]

What is this?

Everyone's performing, and we're up here.

They're saving the best for last.
The divas, you and I.

-When have I lied to you?
-All the time.

We're the phone-in vote.
Nobody cares about us. We're on last.

I'm getting angry.

Are you angry, pissed off,
or got your panties in a twist?

-All three.
-They're not the same.

-The three of them are different.
-What's the difference?

For example, you get angry
at me for calling at 2:00 a.m.

to tell you
I left my wallet at your place.

-You did that last night.
-Why are you always so selfish?

Everything's always about you.
It's all Carolina Iglesias.

You get pissed off
at me calling you again at 5:00 a.m.,

insisting that I left
my wallet at your place.

You did that last night too.

-Made you mad, huh?
-Yes.

You're nasty. You've always been.

What would get my panties in a twist?

Me telling you right now
that the wallet was never at your place.

I had it all along,
it was your wallet, and I took 20 euros.

You're ridiculous. This is pissing me off.

When do we go on?
We look like Chip 'n' Dale here.

Hold on. I've got it.

This is how we're involved.
We were never meant to go on.

-They did it again. We're so dumb.
-No.

-It was your agent.
-They wouldn't do that to us, would they?

Would they?

[audience applauds]

[cheering]

[exclaims]

[audience laughs]

[chuckles, reading] "I'm going to give you
a violin concert

that you won't forget
for as long as you live."

-[audience laughs]
-[Ignatius chuckles, exclaims]

[audience laughs]

"Personally, the violin isn't my…"

"But in my family,

everyone's always fiddled about."

[audience laughs]

"My dad's brother
died because of a violin."

"He'd already almost died in '67."

[exclaims]

[giggles] I'm enjoying these lines.

-[laughs]
-[audience laughs and applauds]

[chuckling] Holy shit.

It'd be nice to do this,
but without quoting Gila.

[audience laughs]

"In '67." Thanks for rewinding it.

[audience chuckles]

"He was playing 'La Danza del Fuego.'"

"His eyebrows caught fire,

and if we hadn't been fast
with the water keg, he would've burned."

I see that look on your faces.

I see it.

People are looking at me now,

like, "You're killing it, Ignatius."

[audience laughs]

And I see people looking at me like,

"I'm not saying I don't like it…

[audience and Ignatius laugh]

…but you gotta admit,
this is an eccentric way

of playing Gila."

"The other day,
we were in a meeting, and I said…"

"And his mother said,
'Play something, José Ramón.'"

"By the way, there was this fat lady…"

[audience chuckles]

Those were different times.

[laughs]

[audience applauds]

[Ignatius cracking up]
It's a fuckin' classic!

Let's…

[chuckles]

Let's separate the art from the artist.

[audience chuckles]

"By the way, there was this fat lady

who was making a scene,

leaning against a wall."

"'Keep your hands off me,
or I'll smash your face in

because I'm a very decent woman,

and the thing with the sergeant
was an accident.'"

[audience laughs]

"The accident's name is Carlitos."

[audience laughs]

"He's this tall…"

Uh…

In brackets… [laughs]

[audience chuckles]

It says in brackets,

"Acting."

[audience chuckles]

It says, "Gesture that he's tall."

[audience laughs]

"Carlitos is this tall now."

This is moving.

My grandma loved Gila.

And I wouldn't watch Gila.

I'd watch my grandma.

She'd be laughing.
And as a boy, I didn't even watch the TV.

I'd be watching my grandma laugh
and looking at her smile.

I recall these lines perfectly. [sniffles]

-[audience applauds]
-The…

Thank you.

"Open the case…"

This sucks because
some brackets you have to read,

and some you have to act out.

"Open the case,
and there's nothing inside."

Well, I wonder what will happen now.

[Ignatius and audience laugh]

[Ignatius gasps]

Oh! Could… [laughing]

Oh! Oh! Could…

[laughing wildly]

[splutters]

Could this show be better
than Cirque du Soleil?

[audience chuckles]

"Oh my God. It looks like
I forgot to bring my violin."

"I'm going to call home."

[audience chuckles]

BAD MEMORY RUNS IN THE FAMILY.

"I'm going to call home."

"Maybe I left it there."

"Listen, honey."

"Did I leave my violin on your bed?"

"Yes, honey."

"Yes, darling, sweetheart, sugar."

"Yes, honey."

"It's the maid."

-[chuckles]
-[audience laughs]

"I hate her guts…" [cracks up]

[audience applauds]

"Yes, yes, yes."

"A violin."

"Long, made of wood. It's got hairs."

"That's a paintbrush."

"Is my aunt Rosario there? Put her on."

"My aunt Rosario is a spinster."

"When she was born,
they said to her father,

'It's a spinster.'"

[audience laughs]

"Into the phone."

"Aunt Rosario,

did I happen to leave a violin
on your bed?"

"See if you can find it."

"She can't find a boyfriend,
but she'll find a violin."

[audience laughs and applauds]

"She got plastic surgery,

and they did a crappy job."

"She wanted to take 15 years off
but didn't have the money,

so they took off six days instead."

"Today's Wednesday, and her face
looks like it did last Thursday."

[audience laughs and applauds]

"She got lost one night."

"We went to the police station
with a photo."

"The chief looked at it and said,

'Are you sure you want to find her?'"

[audience laughs]

"Yes, what is it? Maybe Grandma has it."

"Put Grandma on, will you?"

"She's also a spinster."

"And she's Deaf."

"During the war, a bomb fell on the house,

and she said, 'Don't slam the doors!'"

"And the time the gas tank exploded,

she came out holding a glass."

"'Champagne. Champagne.
Champagne.'" [laughs]

"Granny, have you seen my violin?"

"Granny? She goes, 'My name's not Annie.'"

"And she hung up."

[chuckles]

"Well, never mind,

because, to tell you the truth,

you didn't miss out on much,

because I play… because I play

by ear

and not…"

I can relate to this part.

"Because I play by ear…"

Damn.

It feels nice to see yourself
in someone else's words.

"Because I play by ear
and don't take advice."

-Thank you all.
-[audience cheers]

Thank you, Gila.

Thank you, Gila, for teaching us,

for helping us realize

that we each have to do it our own way.

Thank you all. [chuckles]

-[cheering continues]
-[upbeat music playing]

[piano music playing]

It's not to disparage the Spanish people,

who are so very honest
and very spontaneous,

and who say what they feel
without worrying about hurting anybody.

They say it because it's what they feel.

So, the character,
or characters I created, with the beret,

always try to say things with an innocence

that allows them to reject all hypocrisy

and express exactly how they feel.

[audience applauds and cheers]

[JJ Vaquero] I'm from a poor neighborhood.

When I was a kid, we were so poor
I thought "tea" was a place.

[audience laughs]

People would say, "I'm going to tea."
I'd say, "I'm staying. I'm hungry."

Where I'm from,
if someone's missing, they're in prison.

We don't say "goodbye."
We say "arrest you later." [scoffs]

My neighborhood's called
Mugre de los Ajos.

We're not Spain's
smartest bunch. I'll warn you.

They said to one guy, "Your mouth's open."
He answered, "I know. I opened it."

To give you an idea.

My cousin got offered a job at a bar.
"Would you like to be a dishwasher?"

He asked, "What do dishwashers do?"

[audience laughs]

-[applauding]
-"Huh?"

My aunt, being his mother,
can only say one thing.

She always says,

"My son's very intelligent."

"He just doesn't show
any symptoms of it." [laughs]

Where I'm from, what we like the most
are the festivities we have every year.

On the first day, we begin
with the strongman competition.

We get a rock this big
and crack it with our heads.

Johnny cracked it with two headbutts.
He died right when we gave him the prize.

[sighs]

To show off, he didn't wear a cap.
He did it bareheaded.

[audience laughs]

-I remember…
-[audience applauds]

…when they installed the electrical liars.

We told Michael
they were for hanging laundry.

He climbed up… Zap!

When he fell, he looked like cigar ashes.

The cop said,
"No one breathe until the jury gets here."

The doctor was like,
"Let me give him a tennis shot."

Even his dad said, "You killed my son
but I got a good laugh."

We pranked the pharmacist,

may he rest in peace.

At night, he worked
at this tiny window, you know?

So, we held
the doctor's prescription far away.

He had to pop his head outside to read it.

We put a steak on his neck,

and Cristian released the pit bull…

Chomp.

It took the dog three days
to poop the glasses out.

Dani Rovira reported us.

[audience laughs]

God, are you watching this?
Ernesto Sevilla, Arturo Valls, Vaquero.

These guys have to
be dewormed immediately.

The best pranks were at weddings…

Macahan got married three months ago.

We put the bride
on a train to Extremadura.

Her train must be in Plasencia right now.

[audience laughs]

Macahan was drunk,
so he didn't even notice

we put a circus pony in his bed.

He didn't notice until the next morning.

The way he told it had us in stitches.
"I kissed her on the muzzle

and thought, 'Holy crap,
my girl Vane shaved!'" [laughs]

[audience chuckles]

"I felt the saddle
and thought it was her girdle."

We asked about the tail. He said,
"I thought they were extensions."

[audience laughs]

We have fun in my neighborhood, we do.

In those fancy developments
there are luxury homes,

but they can't behave.

One day in La Moraleja,

named that way because
most of its residents pretend to be moral,

some guy called me a crook.

A crook! Me!

I asked, "What do you do?"
"I'm a politician."

When I heard that, I left.
I didn't even say goodbye.

I said, "Arrest you later!" [chuckles]

Sorry for butchering it, boss.
We miss you.

-[audience cheering]
-[energetic music playing]

Humor is a kind of mental deception
where you have to surprise.

You have to make it so that one
never knows what you're gonna say.

And what I do is I create absurd scenarios

that aren't all that absurd.

I mean,

the fact that something hasn't happened
doesn't mean it can't happen.

[audience cheering]

Don't ever die,

because dying is something
you can't go back on.

Once you die, you can't do the things
you could do when you were alive.

You can't make videos on TikTok.

You can't walk the dog,

play dominoes, or buy olive oil.

Honestly, if you get the choice,

don't ever die.

Take it from me.

I've died several times.

I remember the first time I died.

I was about eight or nine years old.

I was at the beach with my family.

It was my fault.

I didn't listen to my mom,

and I went into the water
right after I ate.

[audience laughs]

It just so happened
that day I'd gobbled down…

What was it?

I ate half a potato omelet,

a carton of gazpacho…

[audience laughs]

…two loaves of homemade bread,

three Canary Island bananas,
from La Palma…

[audience laughs]

…and that was it.

Well, and a glass of herb liqueur.

In those days
people weren't as fussy about children.

[audience laughs]

I should've listened to my mom.

I went in the water.

I started feeling sick.

I swallowed so much water.
The worst kind of water.

When I tried
to tell my parents I was drowning,

they thought I was waving,

and waved back with a handkerchief
while I sunk like the Titanic.

It was tragic.

The second time I died,

I was about 20,
and it was during the Civil War.

I was in the trenches--
This one annoyed me.

This death really pissed me off.

Because I didn't die. I was killed.

I was lying in the trench.

I remember I was whistling
some of Piquer's coplas.

Quietly, so that
the enemy wouldn't hear me.

Just as I got
to the chorus of "Ojos Verdes,"

this huge bomb
landed right on top of me. Boom!

It obliterated me. I died.

Boy, was I angry.

Oh.

And you can't complain to anyone.

Who can you complain to?

Even if you could complain

and they took notice,
what are they gonna do?

Bring you back from the dead? Pfft.

It's not like I'm a saint.

[audience laughs]

The third time I died,

I'd gotten a job in construction.

I was up on the scaffolding,
on the 9th or 10th floor.

A guy next to me dropped some bricks
on the scaffolding that made it wobble.

I lost my balance…

[imitates whooshing]
…and fell into the abyss.

Which isn't actually an abyss.

[audience laughs]

That's not a fitting name.

Because at some point…

there's something.

That something is called cement,
and it happens to be what kills you.

If it really was the abyss,
I'd still be falling

into some crazy space-time.

Do you know what happened as I fell?

What people always say.

Seeing your life play like a movie.

Boring as hell.

[audience laughs]

Not even a trailer. The whole thing.

It's all there.
There's no fast-forward button…

No, no, no. The whole movie.

My whole life.

From my brother-in-law's yapping
every Christmas Eve…

-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles]

…to a Getafe vs. Levante match I saw.
I was like, "What's this all about?"

[audience applauds]

The last time I died…

Oof.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

I was about 82 or 83.

I don't remember exactly.
At that age, your memory gets a bit foggy.

[clicks tongue] Yeah, I died.
I didn't want to die.

It was a sunny spring day.

I read my horoscope.
It said, "Health: good."

I was like…

[audience laughs]

I remember the funeral.

Hmm.

Two of my pals came, acquaintances.

I don't know their names,
but they were there.

Some neighbors came.

Family.

Some guy from the book club came too.

[audience laughs]

We'd become friends
after years of him coming to my house.

[audience chuckles]

One thing I remember

is that when the funeral ended,

everyone left

and I stayed there alone.

The night set in,

and I was left
with the flowers and the wreaths.

Eventually, the flowers began to wilt.

It seems that if nobody
looks at a flower, it withers.

[inhales] And after that,

other than a common cold
and a couple of eye infections,

I haven't had any issues.

That's why I tell you that…

although we may sometimes feel like dying,

although life might not always
turn out the way you want it to,

I must insist,

don't ever die.

Life is beautiful. What the hell!

-[audience applauds]
-Thanks a lot.

[strumming gently]

[vocalizing]

♪ This world ♪

♪ So wonderful ♪

♪ Rich and beautiful ♪

♪ Is a shit show ♪

♪ With its haters ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ With its soldiers ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ With your brother-in-law ♪

♪ And with ♪

♪ Reggaeton ♪

♪ There are people in politics ♪

♪ As well as critics ♪

♪ I need ♪

♪ My sedatives ♪

♪ But if the sorrow goes on ♪

♪ There's no better remedy ♪

♪ Than to split one's sides ♪

♪ Is this the enemy? ♪

♪ Put him on ♪

♪ I'm gonna laugh in his face ♪

♪ And tell jokes at his funeral ♪

[vocalizing]

[audience cheering and clapping to beat]

♪ There are fanatics ♪

♪ And people who are problematic ♪

♪ There are the unfriendly ♪

♪ And the melodramatic ♪

♪ But if the sorrow goes on ♪

♪ There's no better remedy ♪

♪ Than to split one's sides ♪

♪ Is this the enemy? ♪

♪ Put him on ♪

♪ I'm gonna laugh in his face ♪

♪ And tell jokes at his funeral ♪

[humming]

[audience clapping to beat]

We also want to…

What should we do?

What should we sing?

[vocalizing]

-Come on!
-The lyrics are easy.

That's it!

[vocalizing continues]

♪ Is this the enemy? ♪

♪ Put him on ♪

♪ Is this the enemy? ♪

Uh-uh-uh!

[hums]

♪ Put him on ♪

Whoo!

[audience cheers]

[piano music playing]

Thank you all for watching.

Accept all my affection and everything

I've always given you

and will continue to give you,
even while I'm on the road.

You're always in my thoughts.

You're really going on about Gila.
Are we only gonna talk about him?

He's obviously a role model
in stand-up, right?

He was a pioneer
for stand-up comics in this country,

Gila was already quite old
when I was a kid,

but he was in amazing shape.

And the monologues, as we've seen today,

still work as if
they were written yesterday.

The lines are the same, but instead
of "parents," I say "grandparents."

And they're still funny.
They were funny back then,

and they're still current today,
which is awesome.

It's weird because you know
you can't tell it better than him.

When you dial the phone,
you channel Gila's spirit in the lines.

He takes over.

[laughs] Is this a heartfelt tribute
or what?

[giggles]

Gila was a big part of my childhood.

I watched him with my parents.
It's a beautiful memory.

Yes.