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1
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This programme contains very strong
language.
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00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:17,660
Gentlemen, can we all gather around
here, please?
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00:00:19,080 --> 00:00:21,950
OK, when we walk in, we're
absolutely quiet.
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00:00:21,950 --> 00:00:24,950
No talking, no joking, whatever.
5
00:00:24,950 --> 00:00:29,620
We're going into a maximum security
prison, and you're being watched
right now.
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I heard about the programme through
a friend, and I think that this is a
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path that I need to take, to better
find out, you know,
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who I am as a person and... You know
what I'm saying?
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As far as growing up in the streets
and possibly being one of these
inmates.
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My desire to do this is to get
shaken out of whatever it is
11
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that's keeping me, like, stuck.
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When I thought about the
opportunity,
13
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it seemed just crazy enough to,
like, really wake me up a little
bit.
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OK, gentlemen.
15
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,080
You're doing great.
16
00:02:03,370 --> 00:02:07,080
But I haven't yet decided how I feel
about a hardened criminal who'd
17
00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:10,080
killed somebody and is working
through how to deal with that.
18
00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:11,660
I don't know how to feel about that.
19
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I've never really encountered...
I've never met a person who killed
another person.
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I mean, it'll be scary but...
21
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..that's kind of, I don't know, what
keeps me sort of interested in it.
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Like, the sensation of me being in
danger has, like, a draw to it,
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because it's not, you know, like the
humdrum, you know - get in your car,
24
00:02:35,450 --> 00:02:38,580
drive to work, you know, go home,
drive to the gym, come back,
25
00:02:38,580 --> 00:02:39,700
eat dinner and watch TV.
26
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Can we all stand for a minute?
27
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If you will, please close your eyes.
28
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And I'd like for all of us to go
inside, to go outside.
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I will call a chant, "Simbaway",
30
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the way the lion walks, the way the
lion is,
31
00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:45,750
the way the lion be so that we can
be that way also.
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00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:50,290
And after I say that word,
33
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you will answer, "Shoo."
34
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Let me hear that sound one time.
35
00:03:55,660 --> 00:03:57,580
ALL: Shoo!
36
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And let it come from the navel.
37
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TUNEFULLY: Sim-m-m-ba-a-a-a-way-y-y!
38
00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:11,160
ALL: Shoo!
39
00:04:12,540 --> 00:04:15,540
Come on, now. I can't hear you.
I can't feel you.
40
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Simbaway!
41
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ALL: Shoo!
42
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Simbaway!
43
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ALL: Shoo!
44
00:04:23,830 --> 00:04:25,330
Simbaway!
45
00:04:25,330 --> 00:04:26,540
ALL: Shoo!
46
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Simbaway! Shoo!
Simbaway! Shoo!
47
00:04:37,620 --> 00:04:41,950
CONTINUES
48
00:04:44,750 --> 00:04:47,330
PACE QUICKENS
49
00:04:54,500 --> 00:04:58,580
Si-i-i-i-i-mbaway!
50
00:04:58,580 --> 00:04:59,790
ALL: Shoo!
51
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Si-i-i-i-i-mbaway!
52
00:05:03,660 --> 00:05:04,750
Shoo!
53
00:05:04,750 --> 00:05:08,700
Si-i-i-i-i-mbaway!
54
00:05:08,700 --> 00:05:09,950
Shoo!
55
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:14,330
Now, just breathe into that.
56
00:05:17,500 --> 00:05:19,540
Sound a little bit like a train for
a minute.
57
00:05:21,290 --> 00:05:22,950
The train has pulled into the
station.
58
00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:26,200
And you need to get on.
59
00:05:29,540 --> 00:05:30,500
I'll show you.
60
00:05:35,910 --> 00:05:38,580
Here we are. We finally all made it
into this circle.
61
00:05:41,290 --> 00:05:42,250
Look around.
62
00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:47,000
I have no idea what it's going to
look like.
63
00:05:48,450 --> 00:05:51,000
I would be lying if I said I did.
64
00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:56,200
All I know is that there are a bunch
of really intense, dedicated,
65
00:05:56,200 --> 00:06:00,540
committed men sitting in this circle
who are willing to go anywhere with
you...
66
00:06:02,790 --> 00:06:06,790
..however you need to go,
and whatever way that looks like.
67
00:06:09,500 --> 00:06:10,700
I just want to throw this out.
68
00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:15,450
Over the years, I keep hearing these
distinctions about guys from the
69
00:06:15,450 --> 00:06:17,080
streets and guys from prison.
70
00:06:19,370 --> 00:06:21,000
I say fuck all that.
71
00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:22,790
We're guys.
72
00:06:22,790 --> 00:06:25,500
And we're in here, struggling
the best way we know how.
73
00:06:27,910 --> 00:06:29,950
Our guys in prison...
74
00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:34,200
..we're going to come in here,
we're going to be authentic.
75
00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:36,790
We're not going to be who we are out
there on the yard.
76
00:06:38,540 --> 00:06:40,040
I ask that of you guys too.
77
00:06:41,620 --> 00:06:44,580
You know who you are out there on
the streets.
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00:06:44,580 --> 00:06:46,500
Be more than that.
79
00:06:46,500 --> 00:06:47,750
Not just us,
80
00:06:47,750 --> 00:06:49,790
not just the guys who have to wear
fucking blue.
81
00:06:50,910 --> 00:06:52,950
But all of us. Let's be...
82
00:06:52,950 --> 00:06:55,080
For four days, let's be...
83
00:06:56,330 --> 00:06:58,500
..what we could be.
84
00:06:58,500 --> 00:06:59,830
Let's...let's be that.
85
00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:03,040
Amen.
86
00:07:18,620 --> 00:07:19,660
All right, so...
87
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:22,750
Here's what I want you to listen up
to.
88
00:07:23,910 --> 00:07:25,830
In a moment,
89
00:07:25,830 --> 00:07:30,580
you're going to go across this space
and pick one of these guys.
90
00:07:30,580 --> 00:07:33,120
Look carefully and choose carefully.
91
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,950
Cos this is an important choice.
92
00:07:34,950 --> 00:07:39,700
You're going to be with this man
that you choose for these next four
days.
93
00:07:39,700 --> 00:07:43,200
Don't cheat yourself. Don't just
wait for it to happen any old way.
94
00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:44,200
Get who you want.
95
00:07:45,410 --> 00:07:46,700
Move to where you need to move.
96
00:07:50,790 --> 00:07:52,120
So, here we go.
97
00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:56,080
One, two...
98
00:07:57,370 --> 00:07:58,410
..three, go.
99
00:08:08,250 --> 00:08:11,080
Take him back to where you were.
Put him behind you. In silence.
100
00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:12,250
Let's do it in silence.
101
00:08:14,870 --> 00:08:17,080
Get him, get him, get him.
102
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:19,200
Go, go, go.
103
00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:20,250
Get him, go.
104
00:08:23,700 --> 00:08:27,620
OK, so, take the men who are behind
you.
105
00:08:27,620 --> 00:08:32,620
Grab some chairs, sit down together,
and tell each other who you are.
106
00:08:32,620 --> 00:08:35,250
Start there. Just start right there.
107
00:08:35,250 --> 00:08:38,250
Tell each other who you are.
Introduce yourselves.
108
00:08:38,250 --> 00:08:39,450
My name is Charles Tait.
109
00:08:40,830 --> 00:08:42,660
Born... Do you go by Charles?
110
00:08:42,660 --> 00:08:46,660
Yeah. Yeah. Born and raised in LA
all my life.
111
00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:50,330
South Central, pretty much all over
the place in LA.
112
00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:54,080
One of the reasons why I agreed to
come here was because my biological
father was
113
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in prison when I was born, so that's
probably why one of my biggest,
114
00:08:57,370 --> 00:09:00,540
biggest fears is being locked up,
you know what I'm saying?
115
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:02,870
Aside from dying, you know what I
mean?
116
00:09:02,870 --> 00:09:04,500
So, tell me what...
117
00:09:04,500 --> 00:09:05,870
What do you...?
118
00:09:05,870 --> 00:09:07,410
What are you looking for here?
119
00:09:07,410 --> 00:09:10,450
Why did you come and what are you
really...?
120
00:09:10,450 --> 00:09:11,870
What's your goal?
121
00:09:11,870 --> 00:09:15,160
I thought... I thought
it was going to be to, erm...
122
00:09:16,700 --> 00:09:19,080
..like, figure out, like,
maybe it would bring me
123
00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:20,700
some clarity and I thought,
124
00:09:20,700 --> 00:09:23,910
coming in here and talking with you
guys, I'd get
125
00:09:23,910 --> 00:09:29,450
some sense of why I've gone through
my life with a lot of opportunities,
126
00:09:29,450 --> 00:09:35,200
and I haven't really taken a lot of
them, and I'm now 25 years old,
and...
127
00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:40,160
..I am no closer to figuring out
what I want to do with my life than
I was
128
00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:42,830
when I was 15 or 16.
129
00:09:42,830 --> 00:09:45,080
And when you guys walk out on the
yard, like...
130
00:09:46,370 --> 00:09:48,620
I mean, you guys have been
here for a while.
131
00:09:48,620 --> 00:09:51,370
I mean, you look like a little kid.
132
00:09:51,370 --> 00:09:53,200
I mean, really.
133
00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:55,830
You look young, too. All you've got
to do is shave it off.
134
00:09:55,830 --> 00:09:57,250
Yeah. No, I'll look younger.
135
00:09:59,290 --> 00:10:03,450
I'm assuming that there's guys that
don't like to come out there, but
maybe I'm wrong.
136
00:10:03,450 --> 00:10:05,120
I mean, what goes on?
137
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:09,290
Exercise, law library.
138
00:10:10,750 --> 00:10:14,660
Sports. Being able to see other
people interact and mingle.
139
00:10:16,540 --> 00:10:19,200
But what's with your interest in how
the situation is in prison?
140
00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:21,540
I'm just trying to grasp, like,
141
00:10:21,540 --> 00:10:25,790
what life you're going back to when
you walk out of the room, I guess.
142
00:10:25,790 --> 00:10:29,500
Can I ask both you guys a
question? Yeah, absolutely.
143
00:10:29,500 --> 00:10:32,620
Number one, what got you here and
how long have you been here?
144
00:10:32,620 --> 00:10:36,290
What got me here was one count of
murder, three counts of robbery.
145
00:10:36,290 --> 00:10:38,370
I've been here 22 years.
146
00:10:38,370 --> 00:10:41,500
And I'm from San Diego, California.
147
00:10:41,500 --> 00:10:43,910
South-east, West Coast Crip.
148
00:10:43,910 --> 00:10:45,580
I'm no longer affiliated.
149
00:10:46,870 --> 00:10:49,580
I got, like, 75 years.
150
00:10:49,580 --> 00:10:52,120
Yeah, I got a lot of time.
151
00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:54,290
As far as these circles are
concerned,
152
00:10:54,290 --> 00:10:56,410
I've been in these circles for
years.
153
00:10:56,410 --> 00:10:58,620
I've been locked up 19 years.
154
00:10:58,620 --> 00:11:00,120
I'm in my 19th year now.
155
00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:02,330
I'm doing seven-to-life.
156
00:11:03,450 --> 00:11:06,000
Kidnapping for purposes of robbery.
157
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:08,450
I started stealing and that was...
158
00:11:08,450 --> 00:11:10,620
There's some sense of excitement,
you know,
159
00:11:10,620 --> 00:11:14,620
and I was getting away with things,
you know, and then eventually,
160
00:11:14,620 --> 00:11:18,200
I didn't get away with it. You know,
and I was 18.
161
00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:21,950
And I've been in here ever since.
I'm 39 now, so...
162
00:11:21,950 --> 00:11:23,450
I almost chopped a guy in half.
163
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:29,660
They found me guilty. They found me
guilty for attempted murder.
164
00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:33,200
I paralysed the guy for life.
165
00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:37,000
I literally sat on his chest with a
knife like that. Big, just...
166
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:39,540
I cut a line, a jagged line across
his stomach,
167
00:11:39,540 --> 00:11:41,160
trying to cut this dude in half.
168
00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:45,500
Part of me believes that that's just
what the fuck life is,
169
00:11:45,500 --> 00:11:50,620
and there's nothing I can do, think,
be taught, to change it.
170
00:11:52,290 --> 00:11:54,040
To change what exactly?
171
00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:55,250
Life or the bullshit?
172
00:11:56,580 --> 00:11:58,660
My life and my place in life.
173
00:12:00,450 --> 00:12:02,450
Because of where you're at right
now?
174
00:12:02,450 --> 00:12:04,000
Like, physically right here?
175
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,370
No, no, no, no. In your life and
your place in it.
176
00:12:07,750 --> 00:12:09,620
Where you're at right now.
177
00:12:09,620 --> 00:12:11,080
I'm discontent.
178
00:12:12,450 --> 00:12:16,370
Would you be willing
to go into these four days
179
00:12:16,370 --> 00:12:22,540
open to finding a new way to look
at it?
180
00:12:22,540 --> 00:12:25,330
Not to fix them, not to make them go
away.
181
00:12:26,790 --> 00:12:30,790
But to be able to look at them
from another perspective. From
another perspective?
182
00:12:32,580 --> 00:12:34,660
Yeah, I'm willing to do that.
183
00:12:34,660 --> 00:12:36,450
Cos this shit doesn't work.
184
00:12:36,450 --> 00:12:39,160
OK. You know, it doesn't.
It just fucking doesn't. OK.
185
00:12:41,330 --> 00:12:44,660
You need anything during this break?
Some water or some shit. Get some
water.
186
00:12:47,370 --> 00:12:50,160
Do you guys want anything? I'm good.
187
00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:51,870
You all right? I'm good, thank you.
188
00:12:53,620 --> 00:12:56,330
We got one. A real live wire.
189
00:12:56,330 --> 00:12:58,450
We do.
THEY LAUGH
190
00:12:58,450 --> 00:13:01,000
We do. I saw him laughing and
marvelling,
191
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:03,620
cos I see myself, I said, "Man...
192
00:13:03,620 --> 00:13:05,830
"Man, you don't even know."
193
00:13:05,830 --> 00:13:09,080
It's like looking in a mirror. It's
looking in a mirror. Exactly.
194
00:13:38,580 --> 00:13:42,250
Let's do a check-in. Any man can
start one, and we'll go around
checking in.
195
00:13:44,790 --> 00:13:46,790
What I want out of this weekend...
196
00:13:50,620 --> 00:13:54,160
I want to be able to get out of
my way.
197
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:59,000
I want to stop being my own worst
enemy, and be able to connect with
anybody
198
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:00,500
I cross paths with.
199
00:14:00,500 --> 00:14:04,950
I want us to be able to stand
together and be kissed by God
together.
200
00:14:04,950 --> 00:14:06,950
That's what I want. Amen.
201
00:14:09,580 --> 00:14:11,580
I'm Dark Cloud. In these four
days...
202
00:14:17,870 --> 00:14:21,370
I want to... I want to... I want to
be vulnerable.
203
00:14:21,370 --> 00:14:22,450
I want to be vulnerable.
204
00:14:23,750 --> 00:14:26,330
And I don't want to be scared to be
vulnerable.
205
00:14:26,330 --> 00:14:29,950
Cos every time, every time I've made
myself vulnerable, I've been hurt
and...
206
00:14:29,950 --> 00:14:32,120
Amen with that.
207
00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:33,500
I'm Kiks.
208
00:14:33,500 --> 00:14:39,200
I'm checking in, wanting
to touch certain parts of my life.
209
00:14:42,700 --> 00:14:47,830
I want to touch on the fears that I
have, my fear of loss and my family,
210
00:14:47,830 --> 00:14:49,950
of not knowing how they're doing...
211
00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:54,580
..or what they're going through.
212
00:14:56,910 --> 00:15:00,370
I want to get into it. I just want
to get into this.
213
00:15:00,370 --> 00:15:01,450
Well, let's stand up.
214
00:15:03,870 --> 00:15:07,450
And if we just move the chairs back
a little bit, without too much
noise...
215
00:15:15,620 --> 00:15:17,080
I need each man in this group...
216
00:15:18,330 --> 00:15:22,700
..to help me get to a place that
I've been denying myself.
217
00:15:22,700 --> 00:15:23,750
I haven't grieved...
218
00:15:24,910 --> 00:15:28,250
..for my sister in a long time,
and I don't know how.
219
00:15:28,250 --> 00:15:30,830
I'm tired of holding this in.
220
00:15:30,830 --> 00:15:35,540
I'm tired of having that fear of
whether they are concerned about
when I get there,
221
00:15:35,540 --> 00:15:36,790
that I've got to pull back.
222
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:39,160
I want to be open to it.
223
00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:42,700
I want to just let the floodgates
open, but right now,
224
00:15:42,700 --> 00:15:45,160
as you brothers can tell, I've got
fear.
225
00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:47,950
Yeah. What's the fear about?
226
00:15:47,950 --> 00:15:50,700
That I'll lose something that I've
had for so long.
227
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:55,200
That I'll lose that protective
shield, that armour that I wore,
that vest.
228
00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:57,080
Could you describe that piece of
armour to me?
229
00:15:57,080 --> 00:16:01,000
That one that keeps you, you know,
keeps you from having to do that?
230
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:03,000
The armour looks like this.
231
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:04,830
It's not OK to cry.
232
00:16:04,830 --> 00:16:06,500
It's not OK to mourn.
233
00:16:06,500 --> 00:16:09,700
It's not OK to show that you have
tears.
234
00:16:09,700 --> 00:16:10,700
It's not OK.
235
00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:15,040
I want to feel what it feels
like to mourn.
236
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:17,290
I want to feel that.
237
00:16:17,290 --> 00:16:19,500
I don't want to bottle up that
little kid,
238
00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:22,410
that little kid that used to cry
when his daddy used to whup his ass.
239
00:16:22,410 --> 00:16:23,450
Excuse my language.
240
00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:30,080
I don't want to deny him...
241
00:16:32,500 --> 00:16:34,290
..what he's always wanted.
242
00:16:34,290 --> 00:16:37,080
I don't want to take away what my
dad took away from me.
243
00:16:38,500 --> 00:16:40,830
Stay with it. I don't want to feel
that pain no more, man!
244
00:16:42,330 --> 00:16:46,660
I don't want... I don't want to feel
like I can't feel any more.
245
00:16:46,660 --> 00:16:49,540
I want to be able to cry, because my
sister died.
246
00:16:49,540 --> 00:16:53,080
I want to be able to feel, because I
can't hug my mom.
247
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:55,200
That's what I want to feel.
248
00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:57,580
I don't want to feel like no damn
puppy.
249
00:16:57,580 --> 00:17:00,870
I don't want to feel like no sucker
out here that just don't got no
emotions.
250
00:17:00,870 --> 00:17:02,040
I want to feel like me.
251
00:17:03,450 --> 00:17:07,450
I don't want to be afraid of that.
I don't want to have to pull back.
252
00:17:08,750 --> 00:17:11,750
You trust me? I trust you.
253
00:17:11,750 --> 00:17:13,410
Well, let's step into that gear.
254
00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:18,040
Open up. Open up to that feeling.
255
00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:21,370
Trust me. Take me there with you.
256
00:17:21,370 --> 00:17:22,370
I'll go there with you.
257
00:17:23,790 --> 00:17:25,870
I won't let anything happen.
I've got you.
258
00:17:28,450 --> 00:17:29,910
You know I'm fighting this.
259
00:17:29,910 --> 00:17:32,080
I know. Stick with it.
260
00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:34,660
I'm right here.
I'm not going anywhere.
261
00:17:37,330 --> 00:17:38,870
Feel it. Open up.
262
00:17:41,410 --> 00:17:43,200
Let your hands go. Open up.
263
00:17:46,410 --> 00:17:48,250
Don't put that armour back up.
264
00:17:48,250 --> 00:17:49,620
Don't put that shield back up.
265
00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:53,540
She's gone.
266
00:17:57,540 --> 00:17:59,750
And what do you feel about that?
267
00:17:59,750 --> 00:18:01,450
Sad.
268
00:18:01,450 --> 00:18:02,660
Feel that sadness.
269
00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:07,620
Don't stop it. Don't run from it.
270
00:18:10,080 --> 00:18:11,120
Feel it.
271
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:14,330
May I touch your jaw?
272
00:18:15,700 --> 00:18:17,500
Just relax your mouth. May I touch
it?
273
00:18:17,500 --> 00:18:19,700
Trust me. May I touch your jaw?
274
00:18:19,700 --> 00:18:21,450
Yes. OK, relax your mouth.
275
00:18:21,450 --> 00:18:23,870
Open it up a little bit. Open it up
a little bit.
276
00:18:23,870 --> 00:18:25,790
Just relax, let it go.
277
00:18:25,790 --> 00:18:27,700
And just breathe.
278
00:18:27,700 --> 00:18:28,660
Breathe through here.
279
00:18:31,330 --> 00:18:32,370
Breathe in.
280
00:18:33,620 --> 00:18:36,370
Yeah. Keep breathing.
281
00:18:36,370 --> 00:18:37,330
Just breathe.
282
00:18:39,290 --> 00:18:40,950
It's been a long time since your
body...
283
00:18:40,950 --> 00:18:42,000
Breathe.
284
00:18:44,370 --> 00:18:45,370
Yeah.
285
00:18:47,870 --> 00:18:49,620
Relax your jaw. Relax it.
286
00:18:49,620 --> 00:18:51,290
Let it go, let it go.
287
00:18:51,290 --> 00:18:52,660
Let it open, let it open.
288
00:18:55,620 --> 00:18:56,580
Breathe.
289
00:18:58,250 --> 00:18:59,700
HE BREATHES IRREGULARLY
290
00:18:59,700 --> 00:19:00,750
Yeah, yeah.
291
00:19:00,750 --> 00:19:03,330
Breathe. There it is, there it is.
292
00:19:04,950 --> 00:19:06,790
We've all got your back. Breathe.
293
00:19:08,120 --> 00:19:11,160
Breathe. We've all got your back.
Breathe, bring it up.
294
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:12,950
Bring it up.
295
00:19:12,950 --> 00:19:14,330
HE SOBS
296
00:19:16,950 --> 00:19:19,370
Let it go. Let it go.
297
00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:23,330
Let it go.
298
00:19:23,330 --> 00:19:24,450
HE CRIES
299
00:19:24,450 --> 00:19:25,950
Let it go.
300
00:19:33,410 --> 00:19:34,450
Lie down.
301
00:19:36,370 --> 00:19:38,830
It's been in there too long.
Don't hold it in.
302
00:19:38,830 --> 00:19:41,120
HE SOBS
303
00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:51,410
OH, GOD DAMMIT!
304
00:19:51,410 --> 00:19:56,080
Yeah, that's it, that's it.
Tell him you're right here. I'm
right here.
305
00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:58,580
I'm right here with you, brother.
306
00:19:58,580 --> 00:20:01,120
HE CRIES
307
00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:03,540
I'm right here, brother. Stay with
it.
308
00:20:03,540 --> 00:20:06,250
HE SCREAMS
309
00:20:07,580 --> 00:20:10,910
Let him let it out. God...damn it!
310
00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:16,000
Damn it! Damn you!
311
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:17,870
That's right.
312
00:20:17,870 --> 00:20:20,040
What the hell did you...?
313
00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:23,450
Agh! Goddammit!
314
00:20:23,450 --> 00:20:27,250
It hurts, I know it hurts.
Let it out. Breathe.
315
00:20:27,250 --> 00:20:29,410
Breathe, breathe. That's it, bro, go
ahead.
316
00:20:29,410 --> 00:20:31,410
Go ahead. Agh! I'm still here, I'm
still here.
317
00:20:31,410 --> 00:20:33,000
I'm still here. Agh!
318
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:36,540
I'm still here. Ugh! We're right
here. Ugh!
319
00:20:38,370 --> 00:20:40,330
Where you at right now? Talk to me.
320
00:20:40,330 --> 00:20:41,950
Where you at? Ugh!
321
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:46,000
Talk to me.
322
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:48,910
I'm right here, I'm right here.
Just talk to me.
323
00:20:48,910 --> 00:20:50,540
Let me know where you at.
324
00:20:50,540 --> 00:20:52,080
HE CATCHES BREATH
325
00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:54,160
Talk to me. Ugh!
326
00:20:56,410 --> 00:20:57,700
Don't hide it. Don't run.
327
00:20:59,500 --> 00:21:02,790
Come here. Take it in. Yeah.
328
00:21:04,330 --> 00:21:07,160
It's already done. Don't run, come
here.
329
00:21:07,160 --> 00:21:08,700
It's fucked up, I feel it.
330
00:21:08,700 --> 00:21:09,950
Yeah? That's not fucked up.
331
00:21:11,290 --> 00:21:14,080
You know what I'm saying? Charles,
it's fucked up if you don't.
332
00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:17,410
Just feel it. Just feel it.
333
00:21:17,410 --> 00:21:21,000
I didn't expect this shit. No.
334
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:22,830
No, you wouldn't have came if you
did.
335
00:21:24,660 --> 00:21:25,660
Just let it be.
336
00:21:33,660 --> 00:21:35,660
I'm right here. I'm right here.
337
00:21:35,660 --> 00:21:36,660
Let's get some water.
338
00:21:45,910 --> 00:21:48,620
Where you at? Talk to me. I'm tired.
339
00:21:48,620 --> 00:21:51,830
You're tired, yeah. You're tired.
OK. That's good work.
340
00:21:56,700 --> 00:21:58,000
LAUGHTER
341
00:21:58,000 --> 00:21:59,790
There you go, man.
342
00:22:05,580 --> 00:22:07,450
No punches! No punches.
343
00:22:08,750 --> 00:22:09,660
All right. Man...
344
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:13,790
I know I don't know you like that,
man, but...
345
00:22:13,790 --> 00:22:16,120
Tell him. Tell him. Tell him.
346
00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:18,000
It meant a lot, yeah, like, you...
347
00:22:19,660 --> 00:22:21,040
Keep it up, keep it up.
348
00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:23,500
You got me. For real.
349
00:22:25,910 --> 00:22:28,120
That took a lot of fucking balls to
do what you just did.
350
00:22:28,120 --> 00:22:29,870
You know what I'm saying?
351
00:22:29,870 --> 00:22:33,250
OK. You can tell you're a very, very
proud motherfucker, you know what
I'm saying?
352
00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:37,410
That was some...
353
00:22:37,410 --> 00:22:39,290
That was some real, real shit, man,
for real.
354
00:22:39,290 --> 00:22:40,910
That fucked me up. Thank you.
355
00:22:46,950 --> 00:22:48,660
Well, any man can start.
356
00:22:48,660 --> 00:22:50,870
Let's check in, to check out for the
evening.
357
00:22:53,290 --> 00:22:54,950
I'm checking in and checking out.
358
00:22:56,750 --> 00:22:57,700
Uh...
359
00:22:59,120 --> 00:23:01,290
Yeah, that was overwhelming.
360
00:23:01,290 --> 00:23:03,160
But it was needed and it was
necessary.
361
00:23:04,370 --> 00:23:06,750
And I'm very, very, very grateful,
from my heart.
362
00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:09,200
I'm out with that.
363
00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:13,410
I got big love for you, Kiks.
364
00:23:13,410 --> 00:23:14,450
Big love.
365
00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:20,750
There's no words. I ain't even going
to even try and belittle it with
words.
366
00:23:20,750 --> 00:23:21,700
I'm out.
367
00:23:23,700 --> 00:23:25,410
Er...
368
00:23:25,410 --> 00:23:30,080
I'm having an impossible time not
judging what the fuck's going on.
369
00:23:30,080 --> 00:23:33,330
I'm placing all sorts of fucking
values on the work that I saw,
370
00:23:33,330 --> 00:23:35,250
the help of the work, er...
371
00:23:37,580 --> 00:23:38,580
And, er...
372
00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:45,120
I don't like being in that place,
because...
373
00:23:48,370 --> 00:23:49,750
I'm just kind of struggling.
374
00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:52,040
Erm...
375
00:23:55,870 --> 00:23:58,830
I don't like judging all this shit,
but that's what I fucking do.
376
00:23:58,830 --> 00:24:02,290
You did a good job, you did
an all right job, you know?
377
00:24:02,290 --> 00:24:05,370
You ran a quarter of a mile, you've
still got three more to fucking go.
378
00:24:05,370 --> 00:24:06,700
Um...
379
00:24:08,540 --> 00:24:10,910
And that's it. I'm out. Thank you.
380
00:24:33,830 --> 00:24:36,290
I like my two guys a lot.
381
00:24:36,290 --> 00:24:38,160
I think they, er...
I think they want...
382
00:24:39,290 --> 00:24:40,580
..they want me to crack.
383
00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:45,830
They keep, like, waiting for me
to, like, er, to do something.
384
00:24:45,830 --> 00:24:48,870
So... I don't know.
385
00:24:48,870 --> 00:24:52,540
Like, I realise that we live in a
society where we shy away from,
386
00:24:52,540 --> 00:24:54,080
you know... Showing emotion.
387
00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:57,040
..showing emotion and expressing
ourselves through tears
388
00:24:57,040 --> 00:25:00,450
but, I mean, I don't...
389
00:25:00,450 --> 00:25:02,910
I don't think that that's a
necessity, either,
390
00:25:02,910 --> 00:25:05,410
in a situation like this,
that you have to start crying.
391
00:25:05,410 --> 00:25:08,160
I think in the case of Kiki, he did.
392
00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:09,870
That's what he was there for. Right.
393
00:25:09,870 --> 00:25:11,500
He said, "I need to mourn
for my sister,"
394
00:25:11,500 --> 00:25:15,250
and they got him there,
and that was exactly what he needed.
395
00:25:15,250 --> 00:25:17,250
But I didn't come here
looking to cry,
396
00:25:17,250 --> 00:25:20,200
and I don't want to feel like
I'm letting them down if I don't.
397
00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:21,250
Hm!
398
00:25:46,080 --> 00:25:48,410
Find a chair and
let's go into silence.
399
00:25:49,660 --> 00:25:51,200
Please sit down, find your chair...
400
00:25:53,330 --> 00:25:55,250
..and let's go into silence,
gentlemen.
401
00:25:58,830 --> 00:26:02,120
This whole process of
going down into the wound...
402
00:26:02,120 --> 00:26:03,910
..is not an end in itself.
403
00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:07,790
We're looking for something
404
00:26:07,790 --> 00:26:11,080
and we're bringing something back
out of that descent.
405
00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:13,830
So listen for it in this poem.
406
00:26:13,830 --> 00:26:15,660
It comes right in the last line.
407
00:26:17,580 --> 00:26:22,620
"Those who will not slip beneath the
still surface on the well of grief,
408
00:26:22,620 --> 00:26:28,040
"drifting downward through the black
water to the place we cannot breathe
409
00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:31,540
"can never know the source
from which we drink.
410
00:26:31,540 --> 00:26:34,120
"The secret water, cold and clear."
411
00:26:36,250 --> 00:26:40,250
Now, listen... "Nor find in the
darkness glimmering
412
00:26:40,250 --> 00:26:42,200
"the small, round coins
413
00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:46,200
"thrown away by those who wished
for something else."
414
00:26:52,910 --> 00:26:55,290
Hey, can we...
415
00:26:55,290 --> 00:26:58,200
..kind of try something here
to where we just...
416
00:26:58,200 --> 00:27:00,120
..just go round and name our
betrayals,
417
00:27:00,120 --> 00:27:01,830
where we've been betrayed?
418
00:27:04,450 --> 00:27:07,000
And just so you know,
I have no agenda.
419
00:27:08,120 --> 00:27:09,410
I have no process...
420
00:27:11,370 --> 00:27:13,250
..and I...
I know you're going to judge me.
421
00:27:14,750 --> 00:27:16,660
I want you to know that.
422
00:27:16,660 --> 00:27:19,410
Because I'm judging you judging me.
423
00:27:22,750 --> 00:27:24,000
Whew...
424
00:27:26,250 --> 00:27:28,910
My earliest memory is when
I'm, like, three years old...
425
00:27:30,450 --> 00:27:32,620
..and I'm standing there
in a fucking diaper...
426
00:27:34,660 --> 00:27:36,620
..and my real dad just got home
from the Navy,
427
00:27:36,620 --> 00:27:38,450
and I don't know who the fuck he is.
428
00:27:41,410 --> 00:27:43,830
And he's got this fucking
battery-operated robot
429
00:27:43,830 --> 00:27:47,290
that's flashing and making all kinds
of weird-ass fucking noises...
430
00:27:48,540 --> 00:27:50,000
..and he wants me to come get it.
431
00:27:53,290 --> 00:27:55,290
I don't want that
motherfucking thing.
432
00:27:56,620 --> 00:27:58,120
I don't know who the dude is.
433
00:27:59,370 --> 00:28:01,250
I don't want nothing to do with him.
434
00:28:04,120 --> 00:28:06,000
He tells me, "Ricky, come get this."
435
00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:09,330
And I'm scared.
436
00:28:10,870 --> 00:28:14,660
So, he walks over
and he slaps the shit out of me,
437
00:28:14,660 --> 00:28:18,330
and he goes back and sits on the
steps, tells me, "Come get this."
438
00:28:21,950 --> 00:28:24,290
And we played that out
for I don't know how long.
439
00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:28,910
In my mind, it's...hours.
440
00:28:32,160 --> 00:28:36,200
And my whole life has followed
with events just like that one.
441
00:28:39,950 --> 00:28:41,910
And I don't know who my real dad
is, either.
442
00:28:44,910 --> 00:28:47,450
I know when I started fucking up
enough when I was 15,
443
00:28:47,450 --> 00:28:50,910
they sent me to live with some dude
who said that he was my dad,
444
00:28:50,910 --> 00:28:52,080
and he's a piece of shit.
445
00:28:53,580 --> 00:28:59,200
He's a fucking drunk, he's a liar,
he's got a 14-year-old girlfriend -
446
00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:03,000
and I had 15 years' worth of rage
I wanted to give to him.
447
00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:05,790
I hurt that motherfucker every way
I knew how to hurt him...
448
00:29:09,910 --> 00:29:12,830
..and then I heard the same story -
449
00:29:12,830 --> 00:29:16,950
"You're fucking crazy, you're crazy,
lock him up."
450
00:29:20,830 --> 00:29:22,330
People's betrayed me my whole life.
451
00:29:23,410 --> 00:29:25,500
The bike gang I was a member of -
452
00:29:25,500 --> 00:29:28,450
once I got locked up and I was no
use to them no more, they were done.
453
00:29:31,120 --> 00:29:34,120
The people I was willing to kill
and die for, they were done.
454
00:29:35,540 --> 00:29:38,160
I don't know what love
really looks like.
455
00:29:38,160 --> 00:29:39,750
I'm just now fucking learning.
456
00:29:39,750 --> 00:29:41,830
47 years old
and I'm just now learning.
457
00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:51,540
I don't want to fucking be violent -
458
00:29:51,540 --> 00:29:53,080
and that's what I know how to do.
459
00:29:56,000 --> 00:29:57,080
I'm out.
460
00:30:08,410 --> 00:30:10,120
Growing up,
all my homeboys and them,
461
00:30:10,120 --> 00:30:14,870
everybody had their father to do
shit with, you know what I mean?
462
00:30:14,870 --> 00:30:19,700
I had a man that helped raise me,
but he wasn't my father.
463
00:30:19,700 --> 00:30:23,000
You know what I'm saying?
You know, and...
464
00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:25,080
..he was in prison in Louisiana
when I was born...
465
00:30:27,500 --> 00:30:31,290
..and, er, I read a couple of
letters that he wrote to my mother.
466
00:30:31,290 --> 00:30:34,040
He never referred to me as "my son",
you know.
467
00:30:34,040 --> 00:30:37,500
It was like, "How's the baby?"
And...
468
00:30:39,450 --> 00:30:41,290
It was fucked up, man.
469
00:30:41,290 --> 00:30:43,080
I mean, how can you not want
to see your child?
470
00:30:44,250 --> 00:30:46,620
You know what I'm saying?
I'm a good motherfucker.
471
00:30:46,620 --> 00:30:49,370
At least, I think so. You know?
472
00:30:51,040 --> 00:30:53,580
And that shit hurts, man,
cos, you know, I don't know my...
473
00:30:53,580 --> 00:30:56,330
..never knew my place in this world,
you know what I'm saying?
474
00:30:56,330 --> 00:30:59,000
You know, nobody to teach me
how to be a man.
475
00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:03,080
I had to do that shit on my own,
you know?
476
00:31:05,500 --> 00:31:07,160
I don't even know all the story,
477
00:31:07,160 --> 00:31:09,870
I don't even know if he even
walked out of prison.
478
00:31:09,870 --> 00:31:13,750
You know what I mean? But I just
felt that, you know, if he did...
479
00:31:15,120 --> 00:31:17,870
..you know, he knew where I was.
480
00:31:17,870 --> 00:31:19,290
You know what I'm saying?
481
00:31:19,290 --> 00:31:21,700
I felt that he should have
fucking tried to find me.
482
00:31:21,700 --> 00:31:24,750
You know, I'll be
41 years old next year...
483
00:31:24,750 --> 00:31:26,910
Well, next month. And, erm...
484
00:31:29,080 --> 00:31:33,540
I've always felt that empty spot
in my life, man.
485
00:31:33,540 --> 00:31:36,660
Like I was always missing something,
like a part of me.
486
00:31:38,370 --> 00:31:42,700
You know, and... And that's
some hurtful-ass shit, man.
487
00:31:42,700 --> 00:31:45,250
That's some hurtful-ass shit.
488
00:31:45,250 --> 00:31:47,000
But... No buts.
489
00:31:47,000 --> 00:31:49,200
No buts. And.
490
00:31:49,200 --> 00:31:51,500
"But" takes away everything
that came before, so...
491
00:31:55,500 --> 00:31:56,660
Every day.
492
00:31:58,790 --> 00:32:00,040
I just try to be...
493
00:32:01,370 --> 00:32:03,040
..what he wasn't to my...
494
00:32:03,040 --> 00:32:05,540
I try to be to my kids
what he was not for me.
495
00:32:07,620 --> 00:32:11,870
Well, explain that. How are you
able to fill that space?
496
00:32:13,500 --> 00:32:14,950
Number one, being there.
497
00:32:16,290 --> 00:32:20,120
Constantly letting them know
how much I love them.
498
00:32:20,120 --> 00:32:23,660
Not just through material things,
but actually saying the words,
499
00:32:23,660 --> 00:32:26,040
giving them hugs and kisses,
you know.
500
00:32:26,040 --> 00:32:30,500
Encouragement. Do you think they
feel any of that sadness that you
501
00:32:30,500 --> 00:32:34,250
pour out in an attempt
to feed them love?
502
00:32:34,250 --> 00:32:35,910
Yes. Yeah.
503
00:32:44,040 --> 00:32:47,290
So, what's...? There's some sadness
that's right there on the verge
504
00:32:47,290 --> 00:32:49,040
right now. Why won't you let it out?
505
00:32:51,080 --> 00:32:53,500
I thought I did.
506
00:32:53,500 --> 00:32:56,910
It's right there. And then you
started biting your lip.
507
00:32:56,910 --> 00:33:00,120
Almost as if to hold it in,
to keep it from coming out.
508
00:33:00,120 --> 00:33:02,200
What you think will happen
if it comes out, man?
509
00:33:02,200 --> 00:33:04,660
If that overwhelming sadness
starts to come up out of you,
510
00:33:04,660 --> 00:33:06,660
what do you think will happen?
511
00:33:08,830 --> 00:33:11,950
I couldn't tell you. Right.
But what do you think will happen?
512
00:33:11,950 --> 00:33:14,700
I know you don't know,
but what do you think will happen?
513
00:33:21,870 --> 00:33:25,540
If this is... If this is the limit
of where you can get to right now,
514
00:33:25,540 --> 00:33:26,910
this is where you can get to.
515
00:33:28,410 --> 00:33:29,750
We're not measuring shit.
516
00:33:32,290 --> 00:33:34,080
So if you're completely, you know,
517
00:33:34,080 --> 00:33:37,290
you're good with where you're at
right now, then let's move around,
518
00:33:37,290 --> 00:33:40,750
keep going round the circle.
519
00:33:40,750 --> 00:33:43,660
This ain't easy, you know. And for
the first time, it's really not
easy.
520
00:33:44,700 --> 00:33:46,410
So...
521
00:33:46,410 --> 00:33:47,370
So, um...
522
00:33:48,790 --> 00:33:51,120
I mean, there's so many
motherfucking betrayals.
523
00:33:51,120 --> 00:33:53,790
I've visited my betrayals
over and over and over again.
524
00:33:53,790 --> 00:33:56,000
Um...
525
00:33:56,000 --> 00:33:58,120
I think the one that...
526
00:33:58,120 --> 00:34:02,290
..that I absolutely feel like is a
betrayal and happened when I was
about 16 or 17,
527
00:34:02,290 --> 00:34:07,000
and this older brother
kind of took me under his wing.
528
00:34:07,000 --> 00:34:08,830
He treated me like
his little brother.
529
00:34:08,830 --> 00:34:11,000
He taught me how to drink.
530
00:34:11,000 --> 00:34:13,120
He taught me how to smoke weed.
531
00:34:13,120 --> 00:34:16,040
He taught me how to do all this
shit. And he... And I trusted him.
532
00:34:16,040 --> 00:34:17,750
And I started to open
my heart to him.
533
00:34:19,700 --> 00:34:21,580
And, uh...
534
00:34:21,580 --> 00:34:25,200
It was my first sexual experience
with this woman and I told him about
it.
535
00:34:25,200 --> 00:34:26,790
And this motherfucker...
536
00:34:30,620 --> 00:34:33,080
We were working together, and I go
to work the next day and this
537
00:34:33,080 --> 00:34:37,580
motherfucker, he's told everybody
about the shit that I had told him
538
00:34:37,580 --> 00:34:39,410
that I thought was... Sacred.
539
00:34:39,410 --> 00:34:41,830
Was sacred, safe.
540
00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:47,080
And then when I brought it to the
motherfucker, what he tells me is,
541
00:34:47,080 --> 00:34:49,700
"Oh, you pussy motherfucker.
542
00:34:49,700 --> 00:34:53,250
"You just finally got some pussy,
so what you tripping about?!"
543
00:34:53,250 --> 00:34:54,750
And that shit hurt me.
544
00:34:57,910 --> 00:34:59,870
And from that point forward,
545
00:34:59,870 --> 00:35:04,200
I made a conscious decision that
nobody would ever get me in that
546
00:35:04,200 --> 00:35:06,370
position again where
I feel like that.
547
00:35:06,370 --> 00:35:08,540
Nobody, ever.
548
00:35:08,540 --> 00:35:11,200
And what I decided to do was that
not only was I not going to feel
549
00:35:11,200 --> 00:35:14,200
hurt about that, I wasn't going to
feel hurt about any fucking thing.
550
00:35:14,200 --> 00:35:16,160
So the next thing was getting high.
551
00:35:16,160 --> 00:35:18,410
The next thing after
that was heroin.
552
00:35:18,410 --> 00:35:22,000
I was a heroin addict for 22 years
because I didn't want to fucking
feel.
553
00:35:27,910 --> 00:35:29,500
Can I say something?
554
00:35:29,500 --> 00:35:32,660
When you were talking
about how this guy, uh,
555
00:35:32,660 --> 00:35:36,200
aired your laundry, and I think the
word you were looking for was
"sacred"
556
00:35:36,200 --> 00:35:39,620
cos Lonnie said it, um...
557
00:35:39,620 --> 00:35:42,160
And you weren't going to show
anybody whatever you connect to the
558
00:35:42,160 --> 00:35:45,200
sacred thing inside of you, whatever
feelings, but what I noticed about
you...
559
00:35:45,200 --> 00:35:47,080
Again, I don't know
if this is accurate or not.
560
00:35:47,080 --> 00:35:49,580
..is that you wear this sacred stuff
561
00:35:49,580 --> 00:35:52,580
so everybody can see it.
But what you told
562
00:35:52,580 --> 00:35:55,830
me, at least, what I heard a second
ago was that that's not what you're
563
00:35:55,830 --> 00:35:58,660
showing people. So that's something
that keeps me kind of distant from
564
00:35:58,660 --> 00:36:01,040
you. Which may be my own
head fucking trip.
565
00:36:01,040 --> 00:36:02,790
Is it? Yeah, I want to know that.
566
00:36:02,790 --> 00:36:05,330
Is that your head trip? Which part?
567
00:36:05,330 --> 00:36:07,450
All this you just said.
That capacity to...
568
00:36:07,450 --> 00:36:09,870
The capacity to judge me,
motherfucker. That.
569
00:36:09,870 --> 00:36:12,620
To judge me when I'm telling you
I'm putting my motherfucking heart
570
00:36:12,620 --> 00:36:15,200
out there. Is that your
motherfucking head trip?
571
00:36:15,200 --> 00:36:17,500
Is that what you do,
sit there and judge me?
572
00:36:19,500 --> 00:36:20,870
That's what I just did. Right.
573
00:36:20,870 --> 00:36:24,080
This is what you do, Brian.
Is that what you do in your life?
574
00:36:24,080 --> 00:36:27,540
Cos that shit you just said
was un-fucking-necessary.
575
00:36:27,540 --> 00:36:30,950
Was it untrue?
Yeah, it's untrue, bitch!
576
00:36:30,950 --> 00:36:34,290
Let's do this. Hold on, hold on.
Did I call you a bitch? Hold on,
577
00:36:34,290 --> 00:36:37,660
hold on! Hold on.
Did I? Hold on. Hold on.
578
00:36:37,660 --> 00:36:40,950
Let's put this where it belongs,
not where it can go.
579
00:36:40,950 --> 00:36:43,290
OK? And right now
where it belongs...
580
00:36:43,290 --> 00:36:44,290
Look at me, Brian.
581
00:36:46,450 --> 00:36:47,500
Look at me, Brian.
582
00:36:59,200 --> 00:37:00,620
Look at me.
583
00:37:02,870 --> 00:37:04,200
What's going on, Brian?
584
00:37:12,080 --> 00:37:14,950
HE SHRIEKS IN RAGE
585
00:37:28,950 --> 00:37:30,750
It's just like the fucking devil.
586
00:37:33,500 --> 00:37:36,000
It's in there, and, as long
as you keep biting this down,
587
00:37:36,000 --> 00:37:37,790
it's not going anywhere.
588
00:37:37,790 --> 00:37:39,620
Don't bite it back down.
589
00:37:39,620 --> 00:37:41,750
Don't bite it back down.
You're right there.
590
00:37:41,750 --> 00:37:43,700
You're right there.
Look back over the edge.
591
00:37:43,700 --> 00:37:46,330
Let's go back over the edge.
Let's go back over the edge.
592
00:38:01,040 --> 00:38:03,540
Now is the chance to see
what you've got in there.
593
00:38:03,540 --> 00:38:07,750
Now's the chance to measure
yourself to see where you're at.
594
00:38:07,750 --> 00:38:10,120
To see where you stack up
against your own standards.
595
00:38:13,370 --> 00:38:15,000
We already know
you can bite it down.
596
00:38:15,000 --> 00:38:17,870
Can you let it out?
Can you let it loose?
597
00:38:19,370 --> 00:38:22,950
I just want to fucking kill people
when I feel disrespected.
598
00:38:22,950 --> 00:38:24,540
I just want to fucking kill.
599
00:38:26,290 --> 00:38:27,290
Yeah.
600
00:38:30,160 --> 00:38:32,870
My fucking brain
starts to short-circuit.
601
00:38:35,830 --> 00:38:37,910
I... I hear you, Brian.
602
00:38:37,910 --> 00:38:41,910
You know what came up with me,
Brian, that had that come out of me?
603
00:38:41,910 --> 00:38:43,450
Anger and betrayal.
604
00:38:43,450 --> 00:38:46,620
Because what I was talking about
just then was how I put my feelings
605
00:38:46,620 --> 00:38:48,160
out there.
606
00:38:49,700 --> 00:38:51,700
And then get it turned into
something else,
607
00:38:51,700 --> 00:38:54,910
and for me what I experienced just
then was just that, betrayal.
608
00:38:56,330 --> 00:38:58,290
HE CRIES
609
00:39:04,250 --> 00:39:05,830
It doesn't matter what I do here,
610
00:39:05,830 --> 00:39:08,000
I'm not going to get
the respect that I want...
611
00:39:09,500 --> 00:39:12,200
..or that I think I deserve
or some bullshit like that.
612
00:39:12,200 --> 00:39:14,540
I'm just not going
to fucking get it.
613
00:39:15,870 --> 00:39:17,540
I'm just not.
614
00:39:27,500 --> 00:39:32,160
So what do we do? What do you
want to have happen here?
615
00:39:32,160 --> 00:39:36,120
What will get you to a place where
you think there's a possibility
rather than you being so secure
616
00:39:36,120 --> 00:39:39,910
in knowing no matter what I do it's
not going to work, it's going to be
the same?
617
00:39:41,290 --> 00:39:42,750
I just don't know
what to do with it.
618
00:39:42,750 --> 00:39:46,750
I hear you. That's good.
So, are you open to suggestion
619
00:39:46,750 --> 00:39:48,870
of what it could look like?
620
00:39:48,870 --> 00:39:51,910
Are you willing to trust without
thinking and then drawing away?
621
00:39:51,910 --> 00:39:54,370
Yeah, I instantly want to go to
"Is it big enough?"
622
00:39:54,370 --> 00:39:58,540
Oh, I get all of what your mind says
which is in the draw-away process.
623
00:39:58,540 --> 00:40:01,120
I'm asking you,
are you willing
624
00:40:01,120 --> 00:40:05,120
to simply trust a process to step
through the motions and not worry
625
00:40:05,120 --> 00:40:07,790
about whether it's going to work
or not or what the "it" is?
626
00:40:07,790 --> 00:40:09,620
Are you willing to do that? Yes.
627
00:40:09,620 --> 00:40:11,330
OK.
628
00:40:11,330 --> 00:40:15,950
You guys stand up. If anybody's got
any physical body issues, I want to
629
00:40:15,950 --> 00:40:20,330
know it, need to know it, because
this is going to be physical work.
630
00:40:20,330 --> 00:40:25,080
And what I want you to do is I want
you to know that we are all here
631
00:40:25,080 --> 00:40:27,160
hoping for things that
you say can't happen.
632
00:40:45,700 --> 00:40:48,950
HE SCREAMS
633
00:40:52,080 --> 00:40:54,500
Get the fuck off of me!
634
00:40:54,500 --> 00:40:57,410
Get the fuck
off of me, motherfuckers!
635
00:40:57,410 --> 00:41:00,950
In you... Get the fuck...
It's in you.
636
00:41:00,950 --> 00:41:04,410
Motherfucker... It's in you.
Get your fucking arms off me,
you fucker...
637
00:41:04,410 --> 00:41:08,080
Let it out. Let it out. Let it out.
Fucking shit! Let it out.
638
00:41:08,080 --> 00:41:13,620
Let it out, Brian. Fucking shit!
Let it out. Motherfucker.
639
00:41:13,620 --> 00:41:17,330
Goddamn it!
640
00:41:17,330 --> 00:41:18,830
Stay down. Stay down.
641
00:41:20,000 --> 00:41:22,160
Motherfucking goddamn it!
642
00:41:24,700 --> 00:41:28,290
HE SCREAMS
643
00:41:28,290 --> 00:41:31,250
Let it out. Let it go.
644
00:41:31,250 --> 00:41:34,910
Open your eyes. Open your eyes.
645
00:41:34,910 --> 00:41:37,580
You need to be able to see
what's going on with you.
646
00:41:37,580 --> 00:41:38,660
Look at me, Brian.
647
00:41:46,080 --> 00:41:48,950
Yeah, who am I, Brian? Who am I?
My dad said I didn't have this.
648
00:41:48,950 --> 00:41:50,660
Yeah, that's right. Who am I?
649
00:41:50,660 --> 00:41:53,450
Look at me. Who am I? When you
look at me, who am I?
650
00:41:53,450 --> 00:41:55,290
Do it. Do it, there you go.
651
00:41:55,290 --> 00:41:59,830
Yeah. That's it. That's right.
Open your eyes. Give it a noise.
652
00:42:02,950 --> 00:42:03,950
Give it a noise.
653
00:42:05,830 --> 00:42:08,000
Cos everybody's
getting this sideways.
654
00:42:10,750 --> 00:42:14,660
Holler! Everybody's getting
this sideways, Brian.
655
00:42:14,660 --> 00:42:17,830
Girlfriends, friends, strangers...
656
00:42:20,370 --> 00:42:22,500
Let it out. Keep your eyes open.
657
00:42:22,500 --> 00:42:24,080
Keep your eyes open.
658
00:42:24,080 --> 00:42:28,700
I'm fucking telling you, man,
let me go. All right. All right.
659
00:42:30,540 --> 00:42:34,080
This is about letting energy go.
That's all it's about. Yeah?
660
00:42:34,080 --> 00:42:36,950
Giving yourself permission
to let energy go.
661
00:42:36,950 --> 00:42:40,620
What are you feeling right now? Like
I've still got something to prove to
you guys.
662
00:42:40,620 --> 00:42:43,160
Yeah. What do you still have
to prove?
663
00:42:43,160 --> 00:42:44,790
That's helping. Did he do more?
664
00:42:44,790 --> 00:42:46,120
Cos I want to fucking do more.
665
00:42:46,120 --> 00:42:48,160
No.
666
00:42:48,160 --> 00:42:51,000
Is that Dad's voice? This is not
enough, you'll never have enough?
667
00:42:51,000 --> 00:42:53,660
Is that Dad's voice?
668
00:42:53,660 --> 00:42:56,120
Keep your head up. I don't
know whose voice it is.
669
00:42:56,120 --> 00:42:57,790
Now it's my voice.
It's not your voice.
670
00:42:57,790 --> 00:43:01,080
But is it familiar? Is it a voice
that says you're self-judging?
671
00:43:01,080 --> 00:43:03,830
I would just close,
shut down when he would...
672
00:43:03,830 --> 00:43:05,830
Sports, all that shit. Shut down.
673
00:43:05,830 --> 00:43:07,660
You didn't just make that shit up.
674
00:43:07,660 --> 00:43:11,950
That's a tool. You made that tool
somewhere for a reason.
675
00:43:11,950 --> 00:43:13,910
Let's go back to being not good
enough for my dad,
676
00:43:13,910 --> 00:43:16,660
not good enough at sports.
Yeah, that's where I'm standing now.
677
00:43:16,660 --> 00:43:19,290
Postpone it. I've got to prove
more to you guys. Exactly.
678
00:43:20,660 --> 00:43:23,620
Do you want to do one more?
Do you want to do one more?
679
00:43:23,620 --> 00:43:26,290
Are you willing to go into the well
and just bring something up?
680
00:43:26,290 --> 00:43:28,700
That's all we're doing here.
681
00:43:28,700 --> 00:43:30,540
This is just a start.
682
00:43:32,950 --> 00:43:35,830
There are not going
to be any scorecards.
683
00:43:35,830 --> 00:43:39,160
I guess I can't go any harder
than I did. I could just do it
684
00:43:39,160 --> 00:43:42,540
again and again. That's more
and more. That's the truth.
685
00:43:42,540 --> 00:43:44,830
Are you willing to try that?
Do you want to do that?
686
00:43:44,830 --> 00:43:47,000
I don't need to, when I
think of it that way.
687
00:43:47,000 --> 00:43:50,160
OK. You said you don't need to.
You're saying you don't need to.
688
00:43:50,160 --> 00:43:53,120
When you think about it like that,
you don't need to.
689
00:43:53,120 --> 00:43:56,000
That's power, you're giving
yourself power right there, dude.
690
00:43:56,000 --> 00:43:58,750
That's another way to look at it.
691
00:44:00,450 --> 00:44:02,750
You don't need to do it
again and again.
692
00:44:02,750 --> 00:44:05,950
You don't need to prove anything...
693
00:44:07,330 --> 00:44:10,080
..to anybody. That's your power.
694
00:44:11,330 --> 00:44:15,040
So, Brian, these are steps. You've
taken one. It doesn't get fixed here
695
00:44:15,040 --> 00:44:17,410
like a light switch
being flipped. I know.
696
00:44:17,410 --> 00:44:18,620
Get that.
697
00:44:32,870 --> 00:44:34,160
So I want to say something.
698
00:44:35,580 --> 00:44:37,950
This doesn't mean anything.
It's actually stupid.
699
00:44:39,370 --> 00:44:40,700
But I'm moved to say it.
700
00:44:41,870 --> 00:44:44,620
Um... When you go back out in the
world and people go,
701
00:44:44,620 --> 00:44:47,410
"What happened to your head?",
you can say, "Oh, I was in Folsom.
702
00:44:47,410 --> 00:44:48,910
"I was fighting in prison."
703
00:44:48,910 --> 00:44:50,660
LAUGHTER
704
00:44:50,660 --> 00:44:56,660
And that pretty much puts a cap on
any concept of competing or
competition.
705
00:44:56,660 --> 00:45:01,660
So you may want to keep
that fresh up there.
706
00:45:04,330 --> 00:45:06,450
Tell them there was a bunch
of dudes jumped me...
707
00:45:06,450 --> 00:45:08,370
Seven of them. ..and this
is all they could do.
708
00:45:08,370 --> 00:45:11,250
This is all they could do. No, but
seven... He fought seven convicts.
709
00:45:11,250 --> 00:45:12,330
I ain't never done that.
710
00:45:15,250 --> 00:45:16,660
I ain't never done that.
711
00:45:18,000 --> 00:45:21,620
Hey, Brian, bless your heart, man.
Bless your heart.
712
00:45:21,620 --> 00:45:22,950
Can you take that in?
713
00:45:25,200 --> 00:45:28,200
Looks like it's touching something.
Yeah.
714
00:45:31,200 --> 00:45:32,790
And you know what I do when I...
715
00:45:32,790 --> 00:45:36,830
You remind me sometimes of me a
little bit, and getting in touch
with that.
716
00:45:36,830 --> 00:45:39,830
I used to put my head down and then
I learned to cry like a man,
717
00:45:39,830 --> 00:45:41,000
which was, like, up here.
718
00:45:42,750 --> 00:45:44,790
And with your chin up
and just let it roll, brah.
719
00:45:44,790 --> 00:45:49,200
It's beautiful. It's beautiful,
seeing you in a natural state.
720
00:45:49,200 --> 00:45:51,370
Yeah, yeah.
721
00:45:51,370 --> 00:45:52,370
I did not like you.
722
00:45:53,540 --> 00:45:54,750
I did not like you.
723
00:45:56,200 --> 00:45:58,000
I had the same disease you did.
724
00:45:58,000 --> 00:46:00,040
I had gangs
and gangs with judgments.
725
00:46:01,700 --> 00:46:03,790
I changed my view on you.
726
00:46:05,000 --> 00:46:06,950
You are a lot like me.
727
00:46:09,330 --> 00:46:11,790
You think too much.
You judge too much.
728
00:46:13,580 --> 00:46:15,910
But you're a pretty courageous dude.
729
00:46:17,160 --> 00:46:19,870
You didn't quit, and I seen you
fight yourself so you wouldn't quit.
730
00:46:21,450 --> 00:46:22,790
And I connected with that.
731
00:46:23,910 --> 00:46:24,950
See?
732
00:47:37,620 --> 00:47:40,370
You know, we just started getting
close. I'm doing good.
733
00:47:40,370 --> 00:47:44,580
I'm trying to change my ways
and trying to quit gangbanging
734
00:47:44,580 --> 00:47:47,330
and everything to where...where
he can... OK, well,
735
00:47:47,330 --> 00:47:50,330
my dad is in prison but he's a good
dude, you know what I'm saying?
736
00:47:50,330 --> 00:47:53,870
Right. He's still trying to...
You know what I'm saying?
He even changed and everything.
737
00:47:53,870 --> 00:47:57,870
There's negative, negative things
about his self, he knows it.
738
00:47:57,870 --> 00:47:59,330
You know what I'm saying?
739
00:48:01,040 --> 00:48:03,660
And be the best I
can be for him, so he can say...
740
00:48:03,660 --> 00:48:07,750
I'm half-ass proud of me,
and stuff. Right. And she took him.
741
00:48:07,750 --> 00:48:09,500
She just don't come no more?
742
00:48:09,500 --> 00:48:11,950
Yeah, she won't bring him.
You know, but she told me she will,
743
00:48:11,950 --> 00:48:14,120
but it's just gangs and stuff. Yeah.
744
00:48:21,580 --> 00:48:23,500
I'm tired of trying to see, man.
745
00:48:23,500 --> 00:48:26,330
There's not nothing I can do
to make it work, man.
746
00:48:26,330 --> 00:48:27,950
Yeah. I tried.
747
00:48:27,950 --> 00:48:30,250
Yeah. Nothing I can do or say, man.
748
00:48:30,250 --> 00:48:31,330
Let me just see my son.
749
00:48:34,290 --> 00:48:35,290
Yeah.
750
00:48:38,750 --> 00:48:42,910
So I want you to hear this, man,
that we all have these things
751
00:48:42,910 --> 00:48:46,250
that we have to create for ourselves
to keep going from day to day,
752
00:48:46,250 --> 00:48:49,120
whether we're in here or we're
out there. I have them too.
753
00:48:50,370 --> 00:48:54,160
And I had to find something,
something to hold on to, you know?
754
00:48:54,160 --> 00:48:57,120
I've got to find something to hold
on to, and if I've got to create it
755
00:48:57,120 --> 00:48:59,370
for myself, then I've got
to create it for myself.
756
00:49:03,660 --> 00:49:06,000
I'm dealing with too much
pressure from the system, man,
757
00:49:06,000 --> 00:49:08,540
and just being in jail
and incarcerated.
758
00:49:11,620 --> 00:49:16,120
I mean, I can die, man, any day,
man, and wouldn't nobody even know,
759
00:49:16,120 --> 00:49:18,080
wouldn't nobody even care,
760
00:49:18,080 --> 00:49:21,700
and they'll just bury me somewhere
on this prison ground or something.
761
00:49:23,450 --> 00:49:25,080
This shit don't work, man.
762
00:49:25,080 --> 00:49:26,120
It's not working.
763
00:49:27,500 --> 00:49:31,370
It doesn't work, man. I'm ready
to just quit this shit, man,
764
00:49:31,370 --> 00:49:34,620
and whatever happens, man,
happens, man.
765
00:49:49,330 --> 00:49:51,500
I just want to sit next
to you now, that's all.
766
00:49:52,870 --> 00:49:54,950
That's all. Just sit next to you.
767
00:49:57,700 --> 00:49:59,870
I'll just sit next to you.
768
00:50:01,370 --> 00:50:04,250
I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry.
769
00:50:09,250 --> 00:50:10,830
I'm sorry, man.
770
00:50:14,830 --> 00:50:18,660
Not very often, someone will take me
to a place I don't know where to go,
771
00:50:18,660 --> 00:50:21,950
and I'm sitting there right now,
772
00:50:21,950 --> 00:50:23,410
and I'm sorry.
773
00:50:33,200 --> 00:50:35,500
It's sad, man.
774
00:50:35,500 --> 00:50:36,620
I mean...
775
00:50:39,120 --> 00:50:43,500
Facing one of my fears by,
you know, agreeing to do this,
776
00:50:43,500 --> 00:50:44,830
you know, and...
777
00:50:50,540 --> 00:50:53,540
I know why I fear this so much,
it's fucked up in here.
778
00:50:55,080 --> 00:50:57,160
You know? Um...
779
00:50:58,410 --> 00:51:00,450
It's dark, it's scary,
it's depressing.
780
00:51:02,040 --> 00:51:03,000
You know, and...
781
00:51:04,910 --> 00:51:07,750
All he wants to do
is see his son, man.
782
00:51:07,750 --> 00:51:09,790
That's it.
783
00:51:09,790 --> 00:51:11,950
All he wants to do
is see his baby boy.
784
00:51:11,950 --> 00:51:13,700
That hurts me.
785
00:51:13,700 --> 00:51:14,950
It hurts me a lot.
786
00:51:22,040 --> 00:51:25,870
I've never felt like
I couldn't go on.
787
00:51:29,000 --> 00:51:33,200
This shit's breaking my heart, man,
like for real, for real.
788
00:51:35,950 --> 00:51:39,790
And I pray to God, man, that you
find some type of hope to live.
789
00:51:55,500 --> 00:51:57,910
Don't give up, man, please.
790
00:51:59,750 --> 00:52:01,910
I don't know you like that,
but I feel you.
791
00:52:03,500 --> 00:52:06,500
Don't give up, man.
Seriously, do not give up.
792
00:52:06,500 --> 00:52:08,790
Fight to live every single day,
man, for real.
793
00:52:16,660 --> 00:52:19,080
Fight for your son, man.
794
00:52:19,080 --> 00:52:23,000
Nothing else.
He's going to need you.
795
00:52:48,660 --> 00:52:50,250
I've got something I need to do.
796
00:52:57,660 --> 00:52:59,200
Stand up.
797
00:53:05,660 --> 00:53:09,620
That shit that you're talking
about doing is bullshit...
798
00:53:12,450 --> 00:53:13,540
..and you know it.
799
00:53:16,700 --> 00:53:18,200
That's bullshit.
800
00:53:19,660 --> 00:53:22,410
That's the coward's way out
that you're trying to take.
801
00:53:27,000 --> 00:53:28,660
Ain't no cowards where I'm from.
802
00:53:31,040 --> 00:53:36,370
What I need you to do is grow the
fuck up and do what you've got to do
803
00:53:36,370 --> 00:53:37,870
for little Dante.
804
00:53:41,540 --> 00:53:42,790
Do you hear me?
805
00:53:55,080 --> 00:53:56,200
Do you hear me?
806
00:54:09,080 --> 00:54:10,250
Do you feel me?
807
00:54:11,830 --> 00:54:13,790
I feel you, man.
808
00:54:43,870 --> 00:54:45,540
Can I get that?
809
00:54:48,750 --> 00:54:50,450
Can I get that?
810
00:54:55,080 --> 00:54:56,330
Can I get that?
811
00:55:15,200 --> 00:55:17,120
WHISPERS: I need you to do that
for me, please.
812
00:55:17,120 --> 00:55:18,450
I need you to do that for me.
813
00:55:21,660 --> 00:55:23,950
Give me some time.
Give me a little bit of time.
814
00:55:28,580 --> 00:55:32,120
Can you give me some time so we can
try to figure out a way to work
something out?
815
00:55:33,830 --> 00:55:35,120
Can you give me that?
816
00:55:40,540 --> 00:55:42,370
I don't know. Give me three months.
817
00:55:44,950 --> 00:55:47,160
Give me three months.
818
00:55:47,160 --> 00:55:50,660
If we ain't came up with a solution
in three months for something,
819
00:55:50,660 --> 00:55:52,580
then you can do whatever
you want to do.
820
00:55:55,200 --> 00:55:56,410
Can I get 90 days?
821
00:55:59,250 --> 00:56:03,620
Thank you.
822
00:56:16,870 --> 00:56:20,750
90 days. Give me 90 days and we'll
figure something out, all right?
All right.
823
00:56:22,160 --> 00:56:24,830
Clean yourself up.
People are looking.
824
00:56:35,290 --> 00:56:38,290
SCREAMING FROM ACROSS ROOM
825
00:56:44,160 --> 00:56:46,370
I'm good, man. Let's...let's move
on.
826
00:56:46,370 --> 00:56:48,040
Let's move on.
827
00:56:53,450 --> 00:56:58,080
Let's pull together right now. Stand
up. Get together before something
fucking weird happens right now.
828
00:56:58,080 --> 00:57:01,250
We've got to get together. We've got
to be so close, we can't even have
829
00:57:01,250 --> 00:57:04,120
the space to have anything
fuck it up right now.
830
00:57:04,120 --> 00:57:07,120
Just feel what happened.
Just feel what happened.
831
00:57:09,620 --> 00:57:11,160
Just feel what happened.
832
00:57:15,120 --> 00:57:17,500
CRYING
833
00:57:24,290 --> 00:57:25,660
Oh, God...
834
00:57:33,410 --> 00:57:36,500
I'm tired of motherfuckers
getting hurt.
835
00:57:38,330 --> 00:57:41,580
I'm tired of us getting on
the fucking edge and giving up.
836
00:57:45,160 --> 00:57:47,870
So let's remember Don,
he talked about the intent,
837
00:57:47,870 --> 00:57:50,700
right there next to the wound,
right there next to the pain.
838
00:57:50,700 --> 00:57:54,000
When we go deep and we go
down to the bottom,
839
00:57:54,000 --> 00:57:57,540
right there next to where we hurt
the most is where our medicine is
at.
840
00:58:00,040 --> 00:58:03,540
Let's remember that. Stretched,
like you said, Rick, stretched.
841
00:58:05,160 --> 00:58:08,750
We've got to get stretched to be
able to come back with them shiny
coins.
842
00:58:10,830 --> 00:58:13,750
Somebody's got to have
some shiny coins.
843
00:58:13,750 --> 00:58:15,830
The coins have all
got blood on them.
844
00:58:15,830 --> 00:58:17,790
Yeah. They're still gold.
845
00:58:21,830 --> 00:58:23,080
I'm tired of the blood.
846
00:58:24,370 --> 00:58:25,580
So let's wipe them off.
847
00:58:29,290 --> 00:58:30,580
Tired of the blood.
848
00:58:34,160 --> 00:58:37,000
I'm fucking tired of
the people I love giving up!
849
00:58:39,000 --> 00:58:40,160
Don't!
850
00:58:44,080 --> 00:58:45,750
Dammit, what are we doing?
851
00:58:49,000 --> 00:58:51,290
When do I give up?
852
00:58:51,290 --> 00:58:53,370
That's right. When do I give up?
853
00:58:53,370 --> 00:58:54,500
That's right.
854
00:58:58,040 --> 00:58:59,910
Why can't we be enough to hang on
to?
855
00:59:27,200 --> 00:59:29,290
OK, so here's what
we're going to do.
856
00:59:29,290 --> 00:59:34,250
Erm, you're going to have your
guides help you build a little fort,
857
00:59:34,250 --> 00:59:35,950
a little place of security.
858
00:59:35,950 --> 00:59:37,660
We've got some mattresses.
859
00:59:37,660 --> 00:59:41,410
We've got blankets. And your guides
have done this, so they'll...
860
00:59:41,410 --> 00:59:43,410
They know how to do it.
861
00:59:43,410 --> 00:59:46,040
But find a spot where
you feel safe...
862
00:59:47,700 --> 00:59:50,910
..and then build yourself
a little cave,
863
00:59:50,910 --> 00:59:52,160
a little fort.
864
00:59:54,750 --> 00:59:59,620
Have your guides guard you and
remember that they're awake for you
865
00:59:59,620 --> 01:00:01,200
so that nobody will bother you.
866
01:00:03,580 --> 01:00:05,790
So we're going to begin
to lower the lights.
867
01:00:13,080 --> 01:00:14,660
I want you to follow my voice.
868
01:00:17,620 --> 01:00:19,910
And I want you to
follow my instructions.
869
01:00:22,040 --> 01:00:27,000
I want you to imagine you're
floating above your own body.
870
01:00:28,790 --> 01:00:30,160
I want you to imagine...
871
01:00:31,330 --> 01:00:33,410
..floating higher and higher.
872
01:00:35,620 --> 01:00:36,620
As you float...
873
01:00:38,080 --> 01:00:39,080
..right through...
874
01:00:40,290 --> 01:00:41,830
..the roof of this building.
875
01:00:43,410 --> 01:00:44,450
Nothing can harm you.
876
01:00:46,790 --> 01:00:47,950
Nothing can touch you.
877
01:00:49,580 --> 01:00:53,700
As you move further and higher
and further away from this place...
878
01:00:56,330 --> 01:00:57,950
..until there is no place.
879
01:00:59,700 --> 01:01:03,200
And then off in the distance,
you see something.
880
01:01:03,200 --> 01:01:05,750
It's a little dot at first,
a small something.
881
01:01:07,700 --> 01:01:10,620
But you look up and you're looking
into the face of a child.
882
01:01:13,910 --> 01:01:17,330
You're looking into the face
of you when you were a boy.
883
01:01:18,830 --> 01:01:23,040
And you're asking,
"What is the deepest need?"
884
01:01:23,040 --> 01:01:25,250
What's the thing you needed?
885
01:01:25,250 --> 01:01:28,080
What is it, the thing that
would have kept you safe...
886
01:01:29,750 --> 01:01:32,330
..made you grow up whole,
balanced, healthy?
887
01:01:34,200 --> 01:01:37,120
And he reaches up and he grabs your
ear with one little hand and he
888
01:01:37,120 --> 01:01:39,580
pulls it down and
he whispers in your ear...
889
01:01:42,080 --> 01:01:44,410
..that deepest need,
890
01:01:44,410 --> 01:01:46,160
that thing that he
would have needed...
891
01:01:47,500 --> 01:01:51,200
..to grow in the direction that you
would have wanted him to grow in.
892
01:01:53,040 --> 01:01:55,830
And when you're ready...
893
01:01:57,000 --> 01:02:00,200
..I want you to write down
your little boy's deepest need.
894
01:02:15,540 --> 01:02:16,700
Thanks.
895
01:02:40,290 --> 01:02:42,200
CRYING
896
01:02:57,500 --> 01:02:58,910
I didn't expect it.
897
01:03:41,790 --> 01:03:47,580
Someone put out an invitation for
the men who just took this journey
898
01:03:47,580 --> 01:03:50,830
to share about their experience,
share what they have in their
journal.
899
01:03:53,700 --> 01:03:57,660
Laying in the fort with my boys
on the side of me...
900
01:03:59,120 --> 01:04:00,290
..I still felt vulnerable.
901
01:04:01,700 --> 01:04:05,750
Not physically, but emotionally
I felt vulnerable.
902
01:04:08,790 --> 01:04:12,410
Then when the drums started going
and you started talking and I left,
903
01:04:12,410 --> 01:04:15,910
I was gone, you know.
I forgot I was even here.
904
01:04:15,910 --> 01:04:19,410
And I saw, you know,
little seven-year-old Charles,
905
01:04:19,410 --> 01:04:21,870
Jackson 5 afro,
you know what I mean?
906
01:04:21,870 --> 01:04:23,250
You know.
907
01:04:24,910 --> 01:04:26,620
Do you know what I'm saying?
908
01:04:30,160 --> 01:04:31,250
I brought back...
909
01:04:32,580 --> 01:04:35,580
..to be able to be a kid and not
move from place to place.
910
01:04:37,330 --> 01:04:38,290
To have a real father.
911
01:04:39,790 --> 01:04:42,540
To not have to grow up so fast
and take care of everything and
912
01:04:42,540 --> 01:04:45,620
everybody and to be
an actual family.
913
01:04:47,950 --> 01:04:50,250
I'm out.
914
01:04:50,250 --> 01:04:52,000
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
915
01:04:52,000 --> 01:04:53,660
Phew, that was deep.
916
01:04:54,870 --> 01:05:00,500
Something that I've done for a long
time is to rub the back of my thumb
917
01:05:00,500 --> 01:05:05,040
and I probably started it
when I was, like, seven maybe
918
01:05:05,040 --> 01:05:07,160
and it used to bug
the shit out of my dad.
919
01:05:10,200 --> 01:05:11,660
But I think it just reminds me...
920
01:05:12,910 --> 01:05:14,200
..of the softness.
921
01:05:19,410 --> 01:05:20,790
Anyway, the little boy...
922
01:05:22,370 --> 01:05:25,500
His deepest need is to
not be told what to do.
923
01:05:25,500 --> 01:05:27,250
Thank you. Bless you, Brian.
924
01:05:28,540 --> 01:05:30,000
I guess I'll go next.
925
01:05:30,000 --> 01:05:34,540
I've been kind of emotionally
detached from this whole thing and I
926
01:05:34,540 --> 01:05:39,040
didn't really think or give it the
credit that it would get me at all.
927
01:05:39,040 --> 01:05:43,540
And I'll be honest, we got in there
and that music started and I was
like,
928
01:05:43,540 --> 01:05:45,250
"What is this hokey shit?
929
01:05:45,250 --> 01:05:49,040
"This is like space music."
And I was like... And I didn't...
930
01:05:51,410 --> 01:05:54,450
I know that sounds harsh
but that's what I do.
931
01:05:54,450 --> 01:05:55,580
I'm always framing it.
932
01:05:56,790 --> 01:06:00,790
I frame my experiences so that
I can laugh about them later
933
01:06:00,790 --> 01:06:03,950
and I went with it,
934
01:06:03,950 --> 01:06:08,000
which I don't normally do,
and I haven't cried in, like...
935
01:06:09,660 --> 01:06:10,910
..I don't know how long.
936
01:06:12,290 --> 01:06:13,410
It felt good.
937
01:06:16,080 --> 01:06:19,870
And basically all I brought back was
an image of myself when I was happy.
938
01:06:22,000 --> 01:06:24,620
And I've got a little red hoodie on,
939
01:06:24,620 --> 01:06:26,450
a little metal zipper and...
940
01:06:28,790 --> 01:06:31,330
Yeah, I think I'm in with that,
941
01:06:31,330 --> 01:06:33,660
because I was out
for the whole other time.
942
01:06:33,660 --> 01:06:35,080
LAUGHTER
943
01:06:36,540 --> 01:06:39,330
Nice to see you showed up, man.
944
01:06:39,330 --> 01:06:43,120
Good to see you. I'm clocking in,
only a little tardy.
945
01:06:49,120 --> 01:06:51,120
Thank you. Thank you, guys.
946
01:06:54,120 --> 01:06:56,790
There was a few times today that...
947
01:06:57,910 --> 01:07:00,160
..emotions really tugged at me
948
01:07:00,160 --> 01:07:04,500
and something kept telling me, man,
jump in there, jump in the fire,
949
01:07:04,500 --> 01:07:06,250
jump in the fire.
950
01:07:08,540 --> 01:07:12,500
And every time I get to that place,
I run, you know?
951
01:07:13,660 --> 01:07:15,450
I pack up and I leave.
952
01:07:16,950 --> 01:07:19,750
But I'm checking out with a...
953
01:07:21,410 --> 01:07:25,200
..little bit of joy, though, because
I feel I have gotten a lot closer to
Chris.
954
01:07:26,700 --> 01:07:29,000
So I'm checking out
with that. I'm out.
955
01:08:42,330 --> 01:08:43,750
I hate this shit.
956
01:08:45,790 --> 01:08:47,700
I want to beat the shit
out of somebody, man.
957
01:08:52,160 --> 01:08:53,830
And I've done that too many times.
958
01:08:53,830 --> 01:08:56,330
Yeah.
959
01:08:56,330 --> 01:09:00,250
When my mom and dad got split up,
I lived with my mom,
960
01:09:00,250 --> 01:09:03,410
because my dad was alone and I felt
like he needed one of his sons to be
961
01:09:03,410 --> 01:09:06,950
with him. I told my mom that I
wanted to live with my dad,
962
01:09:06,950 --> 01:09:09,790
and she didn't want me to, she kept
telling me what kind of a scumbag he
963
01:09:09,790 --> 01:09:12,330
is and he's all these bad things.
964
01:09:13,950 --> 01:09:18,500
And I didn't believe her. I said,
"No, he's not all that, you're
lying."
965
01:09:18,500 --> 01:09:21,330
But every time he fell
I picked him up.
966
01:09:21,330 --> 01:09:23,450
Every time he needed something,
I was there.
967
01:09:26,410 --> 01:09:28,750
Whenever he needed his son,
I was there.
968
01:09:30,370 --> 01:09:32,950
I feel like it was all just a
fucking scam because everything he
969
01:09:32,950 --> 01:09:34,950
fucking taught me has got me here!
970
01:09:37,660 --> 01:09:41,040
I didn't know how much my mom needed
me, I didn't even think about that!
971
01:09:41,040 --> 01:09:42,080
Yeah.
972
01:09:49,910 --> 01:09:51,410
That's right.
973
01:09:53,370 --> 01:09:54,370
That's right.
974
01:09:58,290 --> 01:10:01,750
I don't know why I betrayed her!
975
01:10:01,750 --> 01:10:03,450
HE CRIES
976
01:10:08,540 --> 01:10:11,750
We're all going to go home,
we're all going to go home.
977
01:10:11,750 --> 01:10:14,700
I just fucking hurt people, man.
978
01:10:14,700 --> 01:10:15,870
I know, I know.
979
01:10:19,790 --> 01:10:23,080
I don't want to hurt anybody
no more. No, no, no.
980
01:10:23,080 --> 01:10:24,370
You're done.
981
01:10:24,370 --> 01:10:26,790
I don't want to hurt
anybody no more.
982
01:10:26,790 --> 01:10:28,160
You're done.
983
01:10:40,790 --> 01:10:42,950
I'm here for you.
We're here already.
984
01:10:42,950 --> 01:10:44,910
We're already here,
let's keep doing it.
985
01:10:44,910 --> 01:10:46,200
We're already here.
986
01:10:47,450 --> 01:10:52,410
We're already here. We have
stood by you, pal, come on.
You stood by me.
987
01:10:52,410 --> 01:10:53,540
Let your pain out.
988
01:10:55,120 --> 01:10:57,250
We're already there,
pal, just let it go.
989
01:10:57,250 --> 01:10:58,580
We're already there.
990
01:11:00,750 --> 01:11:02,080
I know how it feels.
991
01:11:13,580 --> 01:11:15,040
Just stand up.
992
01:11:18,950 --> 01:11:21,410
Come on, don't do it, man.
993
01:11:21,410 --> 01:11:23,040
Don't do it.
994
01:11:34,540 --> 01:11:35,870
He's gone.
995
01:11:37,120 --> 01:11:38,580
He's gone.
996
01:11:40,700 --> 01:11:41,950
He's gone.
997
01:11:51,120 --> 01:11:53,700
CHANTING
998
01:13:19,830 --> 01:13:21,660
Um...
999
01:13:23,000 --> 01:13:24,870
The betrayal that I...
1000
01:13:24,870 --> 01:13:27,620
..I'm hesitant to share...
1001
01:13:29,540 --> 01:13:31,290
YELLING FROM ACROSS ROOM
1002
01:13:31,290 --> 01:13:32,580
..for whatever reason...
1003
01:13:34,500 --> 01:13:36,540
..comes from my dad.
1004
01:13:38,950 --> 01:13:42,200
And it feels to me so much smaller
than a lot of the things that have
1005
01:13:42,200 --> 01:13:44,410
happened to many other people,
1006
01:13:44,410 --> 01:13:48,080
so I also get frustrated
even that I feel it at all.
1007
01:13:49,580 --> 01:13:50,790
But I will keep it short.
1008
01:13:52,750 --> 01:13:58,200
I have a very clean memory,
a very vivid memory of...
1009
01:13:58,200 --> 01:14:00,160
My dad used to work on cars a lot,
1010
01:14:00,160 --> 01:14:02,250
and he used to spend a lot
of time in the garage.
1011
01:14:02,250 --> 01:14:06,160
And I know at one point
I tried to help him.
1012
01:14:09,330 --> 01:14:11,000
It was probably something small,
1013
01:14:11,000 --> 01:14:15,950
and I think I went out there and he
needed a particular tool,
1014
01:14:15,950 --> 01:14:20,500
and I couldn't find it, I couldn't
see it, I didn't know what it was,
1015
01:14:20,500 --> 01:14:23,500
and he tried to describe it to me,
and I couldn't find it, and I...
1016
01:14:26,500 --> 01:14:29,200
And I brought it back to him,
what I thought it was, and he said,
1017
01:14:29,200 --> 01:14:31,870
"That's not it." And I kept going
back and forth, finally he said,
1018
01:14:31,870 --> 01:14:35,250
"I'll do it myself." And he went and
he grabbed it and he said,
"Just go back inside.
1019
01:14:36,830 --> 01:14:38,120
"Go back with your mom."
1020
01:14:39,830 --> 01:14:43,870
He did that a lot when I was
growing up, he always wanted...
1021
01:14:43,870 --> 01:14:46,580
I always tried to make the effort
and I got kind of shut down.
1022
01:14:46,580 --> 01:14:50,040
And I haven't yet figured out why,
1023
01:14:50,040 --> 01:14:51,410
but it really bothers me.
1024
01:14:58,330 --> 01:14:59,540
Well, if you did know why...
1025
01:15:01,830 --> 01:15:05,040
..what would the reason be
that it would bother you?
1026
01:15:05,040 --> 01:15:07,830
I don't know, I just wanted
to be out there with him.
1027
01:15:10,410 --> 01:15:11,750
And he wouldn't let me.
1028
01:15:24,700 --> 01:15:26,910
I feel really dumb.
1029
01:15:36,410 --> 01:15:38,620
You're doing good,
you're doing real good.
1030
01:15:40,540 --> 01:15:42,660
He didn't mean to hurt me, though.
1031
01:15:42,660 --> 01:15:43,790
I'm not mad at him.
1032
01:15:45,580 --> 01:15:47,870
I feel bad telling this story.
1033
01:15:47,870 --> 01:15:50,870
Have you ever had the chance
to tell your dad
1034
01:15:50,870 --> 01:15:52,080
how much that hurt you?
1035
01:15:57,200 --> 01:15:59,330
No.
1036
01:15:59,330 --> 01:16:02,540
Is that something that
you'd be willing to do?
1037
01:16:02,540 --> 01:16:03,910
Tell him? Yeah.
1038
01:16:06,330 --> 01:16:07,700
Yeah, I think so.
1039
01:16:09,870 --> 01:16:12,200
I'd like to tell him that someday.
1040
01:16:12,200 --> 01:16:15,290
Well, I mean, we can create the
space for you to do it today.
1041
01:16:17,450 --> 01:16:20,870
If there was somebody
in the circle here
1042
01:16:20,870 --> 01:16:24,790
that can hold the energy
of your father,
1043
01:16:24,790 --> 01:16:29,330
somebody in here that you see
that holds qualities and energy
1044
01:16:29,330 --> 01:16:30,830
like your father does.
1045
01:16:38,870 --> 01:16:40,200
Can I tell you? Yeah.
1046
01:16:42,120 --> 01:16:45,830
I... So, where do you want me?
1047
01:16:45,830 --> 01:16:47,160
That's fine right there.
1048
01:16:51,790 --> 01:16:52,950
I just want to help you.
1049
01:16:59,870 --> 01:17:03,620
We can work on the car together.
1050
01:17:03,620 --> 01:17:05,330
And you can teach me some things.
1051
01:17:13,750 --> 01:17:15,700
What was the message you got?
1052
01:17:15,700 --> 01:17:18,790
What's the story? You said, "I'll do
it by myself, go back in the house."
1053
01:17:18,790 --> 01:17:20,620
What's the message you got?
1054
01:17:20,620 --> 01:17:21,790
That I...
1055
01:17:25,290 --> 01:17:28,200
I wasn't going to be
the man he wanted me to be.
1056
01:17:28,200 --> 01:17:31,910
Right, and so you've been carrying
that for a while, right?
1057
01:17:31,910 --> 01:17:33,790
Right? Yeah. Yeah.
1058
01:17:33,790 --> 01:17:35,950
And how has that played out
in your life?
1059
01:17:41,250 --> 01:17:45,080
I haven't known how to beat it,
really. So what does that look like?
1060
01:17:49,250 --> 01:17:52,160
How have you carried
that in your life?
1061
01:17:52,160 --> 01:17:54,080
Through your jobs?
1062
01:17:54,080 --> 01:17:55,700
Your relationships?
1063
01:17:59,330 --> 01:18:00,830
I can't come in to any of it.
1064
01:18:03,910 --> 01:18:05,500
It just scares me, I don't know why.
1065
01:18:05,500 --> 01:18:07,200
I don't know what I'm doing here.
1066
01:18:07,200 --> 01:18:09,080
Then, that's good.
You know, why I'm crying.
1067
01:18:09,080 --> 01:18:11,250
That's perfect, that's perfect.
1068
01:18:12,580 --> 01:18:15,500
That's perfect.
You're doing perfect.
1069
01:18:15,500 --> 01:18:18,580
And it starts here. You've already
started your work. Stand up.
1070
01:18:22,580 --> 01:18:24,950
This is what happens. You've got
to deal with your father.
1071
01:18:24,950 --> 01:18:28,330
You signed a contract
the moment you walked in that house.
1072
01:18:29,660 --> 01:18:31,540
That last time you
walked in the house,
1073
01:18:31,540 --> 01:18:34,700
you cut a contract with your father
to feel as though you are the guy
1074
01:18:34,700 --> 01:18:36,660
that cannot get the job done.
1075
01:18:36,660 --> 01:18:38,540
And it's haunted it. You've used it.
1076
01:18:38,540 --> 01:18:42,200
You've fulfilled the contract that's
haunted you throughout your life.
1077
01:18:45,040 --> 01:18:48,620
And your whole body tells me
that's true right now.
1078
01:18:48,620 --> 01:18:52,200
All right? I know that truth hurts.
1079
01:18:54,290 --> 01:18:55,750
So here's what you're going to do.
1080
01:18:55,750 --> 01:19:00,700
Each one of these men identifies
something, some sort of a block.
1081
01:19:00,700 --> 01:19:04,790
Your job is to get through this.
1082
01:19:04,790 --> 01:19:06,870
Are you tracking with that? Yeah.
1083
01:19:06,870 --> 01:19:09,290
Turn around, turn around
and face him now.
1084
01:19:09,290 --> 01:19:11,450
Look at me.
1085
01:19:11,450 --> 01:19:13,700
Now, stand up. Fucking stand up.
1086
01:19:15,540 --> 01:19:17,200
There, you're taller
than me right now.
1087
01:19:17,200 --> 01:19:20,790
Do you get that?
You're stronger, you're stronger.
1088
01:19:20,790 --> 01:19:21,830
Look at...
1089
01:19:23,410 --> 01:19:24,580
Stand up.
1090
01:19:26,290 --> 01:19:28,290
Stand up.
1091
01:19:28,290 --> 01:19:30,040
And hurt.
1092
01:19:30,040 --> 01:19:33,330
Know that it's OK to hurt,
know that it's just fine.
1093
01:19:33,330 --> 01:19:37,000
You've got some bad dudes
that got your back.
1094
01:19:37,000 --> 01:19:40,120
And even though you've got us at
your back, turn around and face
1095
01:19:40,120 --> 01:19:42,830
these things in your life
and see what it's cost you.
1096
01:19:42,830 --> 01:19:45,580
What's it cost you
when you're down here?
1097
01:19:45,580 --> 01:19:47,370
What's it cost you?
1098
01:19:47,370 --> 01:19:49,080
Yeah. Yeah.
1099
01:19:51,700 --> 01:19:55,910
It is, just now, the whole first
day, I couldn't feel anything.
1100
01:19:55,910 --> 01:19:57,500
I couldn't commit to anything.
1101
01:19:57,500 --> 01:20:02,200
So, this man's going to point you
towards what that represents,
1102
01:20:02,200 --> 01:20:03,330
that you can't feel.
1103
01:20:04,660 --> 01:20:06,750
Yes.
1104
01:20:06,750 --> 01:20:10,200
Walk up to the arm.
Put your chest on the arm.
1105
01:20:10,200 --> 01:20:13,120
Put your chest on the arm
and look at what it's cost you.
1106
01:20:13,120 --> 01:20:15,120
Go back in the house
with your mother.
1107
01:20:16,950 --> 01:20:20,250
With some intention. Stand up
straight, stand up straight.
Go back in the house...
1108
01:20:20,250 --> 01:20:22,410
Stand up straight.
1109
01:20:22,410 --> 01:20:24,040
..with your mother!
1110
01:20:24,040 --> 01:20:26,750
Stand up straight.
I don't need you out here.
1111
01:20:26,750 --> 01:20:29,870
This is not using your chest, son.
Don't look at me like that.
1112
01:20:29,870 --> 01:20:32,040
You know what you need,
you can take care of yourself.
1113
01:20:32,040 --> 01:20:34,790
Go back in the house with your
mother. Don't listen to that shit.
1114
01:20:34,790 --> 01:20:37,540
Don't listen to that.
I said, go back...
1115
01:20:37,540 --> 01:20:39,290
Open your mouth and start
teaching this guy.
1116
01:20:39,290 --> 01:20:40,580
I don't need you out here.
1117
01:20:40,580 --> 01:20:44,200
Open your mouth and start teaching!
1118
01:20:44,200 --> 01:20:46,660
I don't know how to work this.
Yeah, that's the problem.
1119
01:20:46,660 --> 01:20:49,580
You're going to have to make...
What would it look like working?
1120
01:20:49,580 --> 01:20:53,040
What would it look like to have some
intention about getting past these
arms?
1121
01:20:53,040 --> 01:20:58,000
Stand up to this guy. Let him just
go back in the house with his
mother.
1122
01:20:58,000 --> 01:20:59,870
Take some steps back.
1123
01:20:59,870 --> 01:21:02,040
Just take some steps back.
Don't step back!
1124
01:21:02,040 --> 01:21:03,450
Don't step back!
1125
01:21:03,450 --> 01:21:06,000
Step back some more.
Don't step back!
1126
01:21:06,000 --> 01:21:08,080
That's it, that's it!
1127
01:21:08,080 --> 01:21:10,200
I got your back!
1128
01:21:10,200 --> 01:21:13,080
Keep it coming, I got your back.
1129
01:21:13,080 --> 01:21:17,040
Tell him, Chris!
Go back in the house.
1130
01:21:17,040 --> 01:21:18,450
Go back!
1131
01:21:22,040 --> 01:21:25,200
Hey, Chris, you go for it!
1132
01:21:25,200 --> 01:21:27,160
Stay focused with this.
1133
01:21:27,160 --> 01:21:29,660
You go. Keep your eyes on this!
1134
01:21:29,660 --> 01:21:32,200
Keep pushing, Chris!
1135
01:21:33,620 --> 01:21:35,620
Stand up. Stand up.
1136
01:21:35,620 --> 01:21:37,580
Right there. Tell him.
1137
01:21:37,580 --> 01:21:40,250
Tell him! Tell him, right now.
1138
01:21:40,250 --> 01:21:42,040
One voice, one voice!
1139
01:21:42,040 --> 01:21:43,790
Quiet!
1140
01:21:43,790 --> 01:21:44,790
One voice.
1141
01:21:46,250 --> 01:21:47,620
I'm good enough.
1142
01:21:50,250 --> 01:21:52,580
You better fucking believe
you're good enough.
1143
01:21:52,580 --> 01:21:54,870
I'm good enough! That's it.
1144
01:21:54,870 --> 01:21:57,580
That's right, man. I am good enough.
1145
01:21:57,580 --> 01:21:59,500
Yes, goddamn right!
1146
01:21:59,500 --> 01:22:01,040
I believe you now.
1147
01:22:02,620 --> 01:22:03,660
What about later?
1148
01:22:06,660 --> 01:22:07,950
It's not up to you.
1149
01:22:07,950 --> 01:22:10,450
That's right. That's right, man.
1150
01:22:10,450 --> 01:22:14,950
Damn right. OK.
Ha-ha! I got it, my brother.
1151
01:22:14,950 --> 01:22:16,910
Stand on your own, Chris. Thank you.
1152
01:22:23,250 --> 01:22:26,370
I've been waiting on you.
Oh, I've been waiting on you.
1153
01:22:26,370 --> 01:22:27,620
Glad to see you.
1154
01:22:28,950 --> 01:22:30,660
You did good, thank you.
1155
01:22:33,290 --> 01:22:34,370
I mean that.
1156
01:22:54,830 --> 01:22:57,120
I'm checking out.
1157
01:22:57,120 --> 01:23:00,790
I used to have a '67 Shovelhead
that would get to 147mph
1158
01:23:00,790 --> 01:23:02,540
before it would try to bump me off.
1159
01:23:03,830 --> 01:23:06,620
Every time I'd push it right
up to that motherfucking edge,
1160
01:23:06,620 --> 01:23:09,330
and it starts shaking and rattling,
1161
01:23:09,330 --> 01:23:10,660
and I'd bring it back down.
1162
01:23:12,120 --> 01:23:15,200
I'd throw the kickstand
down and say, "WHOO!"
1163
01:23:18,330 --> 01:23:19,580
That's how I felt today.
1164
01:23:22,950 --> 01:23:24,660
I love God.
1165
01:23:24,660 --> 01:23:26,660
I love life.
1166
01:23:26,660 --> 01:23:28,580
And I love adrenaline edges.
1167
01:23:32,160 --> 01:23:35,540
And in this place, it's hard to get
to that fucking edge for me...
1168
01:23:37,200 --> 01:23:38,540
..without it being a bad thing.
1169
01:23:42,540 --> 01:23:44,750
So, when days like today's
happens...
1170
01:23:46,660 --> 01:23:49,290
..and I get pulled as far apart
as I can be pulled...
1171
01:23:51,620 --> 01:23:52,580
..I'm alive.
1172
01:23:54,250 --> 01:23:56,000
I'm alive and I'm fucking grateful.
1173
01:23:58,200 --> 01:23:59,580
I'm out.
1174
01:24:18,500 --> 01:24:21,500
I feel good, man. I feel blessed.
1175
01:24:21,500 --> 01:24:24,700
Know what I'm saying? I felt I got
some more strength, man.
1176
01:24:24,700 --> 01:24:28,410
Hell, no. That's it, I'm out.
Thank you.
1177
01:24:34,370 --> 01:24:36,120
Dark Cloud.
1178
01:24:36,120 --> 01:24:39,700
Spirit name is Blackbird,
sometimes with White Owl.
1179
01:24:39,700 --> 01:24:42,410
I walked in that store, you know,
1180
01:24:42,410 --> 01:24:45,040
not really grasped
the entirety of it.
1181
01:24:47,700 --> 01:24:49,250
It hurts. It feels good.
1182
01:24:51,700 --> 01:24:53,540
I'm ready for another round.
1183
01:24:55,370 --> 01:24:57,040
I'm out with that.
1184
01:25:01,290 --> 01:25:06,040
Hi, I'm Chris, checking out
with a sense of satisfaction...
1185
01:25:08,370 --> 01:25:09,540
..that's new to me.
1186
01:25:10,830 --> 01:25:13,120
I'm not normally comfortable
with new things,
1187
01:25:13,120 --> 01:25:16,580
but this one seems to be a good fit.
1188
01:25:16,580 --> 01:25:20,080
And I think I've said
all I need to say.
1189
01:25:20,080 --> 01:25:21,330
I'm checking out.
1190
01:25:32,080 --> 01:25:33,410
Whoo!
1191
01:25:36,750 --> 01:25:42,410
You know, I've often wondered why I
was put here on the planet and,
1192
01:25:42,410 --> 01:25:45,950
for me, it's become real clear
it's about the fatherless sons.
1193
01:25:48,950 --> 01:25:50,620
I was a fatherless son.
1194
01:25:50,620 --> 01:25:52,330
My father was a fatherless son.
1195
01:25:52,330 --> 01:25:54,620
My grandfather was a fatherless son.
1196
01:25:54,620 --> 01:25:57,830
And my son, for a long time in his
life, was a fatherless son.
1197
01:26:01,370 --> 01:26:04,040
I don't have a right to tell another
man what to do with his life.
1198
01:26:04,040 --> 01:26:08,120
But I can tell another man
what the consequences may be
1199
01:26:08,120 --> 01:26:10,040
for one fatherless son.
1200
01:26:14,200 --> 01:26:17,450
And so, right now, I have some
sadness and some joy.
1201
01:26:17,450 --> 01:26:20,700
I'm sad because
of the fatherless sons.
1202
01:26:20,700 --> 01:26:24,040
And I have some joy because things
like this happen and circles
1203
01:26:24,040 --> 01:26:25,870
like this, in other places, happen.
1204
01:26:27,370 --> 01:26:29,120
So, then, if one father...
1205
01:26:32,040 --> 01:26:34,870
..can go through what he needs to go
through to be there for his son,
1206
01:26:34,870 --> 01:26:37,250
then all of this shit is worth it.
1207
01:26:37,250 --> 01:26:38,250
All of it.
1208
01:26:42,370 --> 01:26:45,000
I've seen what this work can do.
1209
01:26:45,000 --> 01:26:47,660
I've seen it. I've felt it,
I've experienced it.
1210
01:26:49,450 --> 01:26:50,620
It's The Work, y'all.
1211
01:26:51,700 --> 01:26:52,870
It's The Work.
89875
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