Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:16,200 --> 00:00:18,960
Quality medicine, European-quality roads
2
00:00:19,040 --> 00:00:21,400
and support for Ukrainian start-ups.
3
00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:23,120
We lack money for all of this.
4
00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:25,680
Each time I ask, Yuriy Ivanovich says...
5
00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:27,240
There's no budget provision.
6
00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:30,160
With that phrase,
you're quietly cutting my throat.
7
00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:32,560
That's the reality. The Treasury is dry.
8
00:00:32,640 --> 00:00:35,000
Right,
but that's what the government is for.
9
00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:38,280
I've had enoughof these despicable reformers.
10
00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:39,880
Look at this eager beaver.
11
00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:41,880
For example, did you know
12
00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:43,400
that due to tax evasion,
13
00:00:43,480 --> 00:00:48,040
the state treasury loses
30 billion hryvnias a year?
14
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:50,320
Some gain, some lose.
15
00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:53,400
There are fundamental reasons for this.
16
00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:57,600
-The first reason is our Slavic mentality.
-Quite true.
17
00:00:57,680 --> 00:00:59,680
It's shameful to evade taxes in America,
18
00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:02,880
yet in Ukraine, it's a way
to screw the government.
19
00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:04,560
Therefore, we need to conduct
20
00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:07,560
a solid, comprehensive awareness campaign
21
00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:10,480
with ads on television and the radio.
22
00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:12,680
Professionals could help us with this -
23
00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:15,520
the information policy
and culture ministries.
24
00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:18,600
Surely,a villa in the Maldives is swankier.
25
00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:20,960
But Panama has one big advantage.
26
00:01:21,440 --> 00:01:22,600
They don't extradite.
27
00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:25,720
It looks likeI have to buy one here and one there.
28
00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:27,400
Will the culture minister help?
29
00:01:27,960 --> 00:01:29,680
One here and one there.
30
00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:30,560
What?
31
00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:33,040
We'll help...
32
00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:34,680
here and there.
33
00:01:34,760 --> 00:01:36,280
The second problem
34
00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:38,680
is distrust of financial institutions.
35
00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:40,520
I also agree with this.
36
00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:43,440
Our people equate
paying taxes into state coffers
37
00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:45,320
with gifting money to officials.
38
00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:48,680
So, friends,
together with the interior minister,
39
00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:53,080
I propose establishing a mechanism
for monitoring budgetary funds.
40
00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:55,640
After all, having it once
41
00:01:55,720 --> 00:01:56,800
doesn't count.
42
00:01:57,280 --> 00:01:58,880
All the more so if you were drunk.
43
00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:01,000
Vitaliy really screwed up, too.
44
00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:02,240
Some old buddy he is.
45
00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:03,800
Lord...
46
00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:05,560
Frankly, I don't how to do this.
47
00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:06,680
Do you, minister?
48
00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:08,240
I don't.
49
00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:09,400
Do you?
50
00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:12,200
I just said that I don't know.
51
00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:13,160
I concur.
52
00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:14,160
We'll take action.
53
00:02:15,120 --> 00:02:16,280
How could my pal do that?
54
00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:19,320
Go on.
55
00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:20,840
The third problem
56
00:02:20,920 --> 00:02:23,960
is the excessively high tax rate.
57
00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:25,600
Yes, the rates are very high.
58
00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:28,280
Sure, why don't you suggest
reducing rates?
59
00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:30,800
That's what I was going to suggest.
60
00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:34,040
Did I say that aloud?
61
00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:37,360
Are you against reducing rates?
62
00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:38,840
I'm for it, of course.
63
00:02:38,920 --> 00:02:41,280
But I'm afraid Parliament will oppose.
64
00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:42,240
Is that a problem?
65
00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:44,440
Let's directly ask Parliament now.
66
00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:46,360
-Ask who?
-Parliament. Let's go.
67
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:47,960
-Vasyl!
-Let's go.
68
00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:49,160
Vasyl!
69
00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:53,240
PRESIDENTIAL ADMINISTRATION OF UKRAINE
70
00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:15,120
Colleagues, today is Trinity Sunday!
71
00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:17,279
Do you fear God? Why don't you?
72
00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:19,000
Settle down, I beg you!
73
00:04:19,079 --> 00:04:20,760
You closet Commie!
74
00:04:20,839 --> 00:04:22,079
-Me, a Commie?
-Punk!
75
00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:23,920
I'll show you who's a Commie!
76
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:25,920
-Show me!
-Come on! Enough!
77
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:28,000
Vasyl Petrovych. Vasyl...
78
00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:29,640
-Hello.
-Vasyl Petrovych!
79
00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:32,560
Colleagues,
the president is in the hall! Calm down!
80
00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:34,640
-Please.
-What's the status of our bill?
81
00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:36,360
Don't you see what's happening?
82
00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:38,880
-Dear...
-Vasyl Petrovych.
83
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:40,360
One sec, Yuriy Ivanovich.
84
00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:43,560
The dollar is at eight!
85
00:04:46,760 --> 00:04:47,680
That also works.
86
00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:49,640
-Mr President.
-I was kidding. Sorry.
87
00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:50,520
-Vasyl--
-A sec.
88
00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:51,720
Why are we arguing?
89
00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:54,920
Mr President, maybe you can arbitrate.
90
00:04:55,280 --> 00:04:57,800
Lawmaker Karasiuk insists
91
00:04:57,880 --> 00:05:00,480
that we re-name
Marshal Tymoshenko Street.
92
00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:03,920
That's right, because
Marshal Tymoshenko was a Communist.
93
00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:05,440
Why do we need Communists?
94
00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:06,680
We take away "Marshal"
95
00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:08,160
and keep "Tymoshenko".
96
00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:09,720
In whose honor?
97
00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:11,640
Are there no worthy people
98
00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:13,280
with the name Tymoshenko?
99
00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:14,320
Who's that?
100
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:18,520
People, I'm sorry for interrupting
your talks on this important subject.
101
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,320
As you know, not long ago,
102
00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:23,400
we registered a bill
that is very important for the country.
103
00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:25,520
It's about cutting tax rates.
104
00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:29,440
-Let's take a vote. Yuriy is for it.
-I'm...
105
00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:30,760
-Mr Speaker!
-I'm for it.
106
00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:33,080
Put it up for a vote.
107
00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:34,440
Yes, right now.
108
00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:35,400
Right.
109
00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:36,360
Dear colleagues,
110
00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:40,320
I put to a vote bill number 20.06
111
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,480
on cutting tax rates.
112
00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:44,840
Please vote. Who is "for"?
113
00:05:52,280 --> 00:05:55,360
-It's unanimous. The bill is passed.
-Congratulations.
114
00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:57,760
Great!
115
00:05:58,840 --> 00:05:59,760
Now, you can resume
116
00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:01,800
fighting about Tymoshenko.
117
00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:17,040
Olya Yurievna, hi!
Have a nice day. No default, no inflation.
118
00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:19,000
-Thanks. Dmitriy Vasilievich!
-Yes?
119
00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:21,280
-Can I have a moment, please?
-Sure.
120
00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:23,200
Why isn't my order being carried out?
121
00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:24,600
-Which order?
-Which?
122
00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:28,080
Yesterday I signed an order
to pay Nikolaevskiy Bank's clients.
123
00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:29,480
Olya Yurievna,
124
00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:32,080
you could sign 100 orders,
but there's no money.
125
00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:33,120
There's no money?
126
00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:35,000
It's easy to check. Open the vault.
127
00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:37,040
It's dry, I'm sorry to say.
128
00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:39,120
So, excuse the pun,
129
00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:41,000
but your order is out of order.
130
00:06:45,320 --> 00:06:46,120
I see.
131
00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:47,760
Vasyl Petrovych,
132
00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:49,720
I notified the journalists.
133
00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:53,280
At noon, you're expected at the tax office
near the registration spot.
134
00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:54,320
Thanks.
135
00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:57,280
After lunch, you have a meeting
with the culture minister.
136
00:06:57,840 --> 00:06:59,040
Okay, Bella.
137
00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:04,400
-Vasyl Petrovych.
-Yes, Yuriy Ivanovich.
138
00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:06,720
I fear that
we may have blundered this time.
139
00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:07,760
How so?
140
00:07:07,840 --> 00:07:08,920
That's the point.
141
00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:14,120
Cutting taxes is certainly very popular,
but don't you think we rushed into this?
142
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:16,600
Yuriy Ivanovich,
I think we did a fine job.
143
00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:18,880
We didn't shelve it.
144
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:21,520
But do you see
this one aspect of the situation?
145
00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:23,360
We were picking crumbs.
146
00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:25,320
It was barely enough.
147
00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:28,280
Are we going
to divide the crumbs in half?
148
00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:29,600
It depends on your view.
149
00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:32,400
For instance, in Georgia,
after tax-rate cuts,
150
00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:34,760
budget revenue increased 11 times.
151
00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:37,520
But that's assuming
people will pay taxes honestly.
152
00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:39,720
Excuse me, but I think, of course,
153
00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:41,640
that everyone should pay honestly.
154
00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:42,520
Is that not so?
155
00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:44,720
I have an inkling, Vasyl Petrovych,
156
00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:46,760
that you're hinting at something.
157
00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:48,600
You always have an inkling.
158
00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:50,760
I'm just saying that all politicians...
159
00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:53,360
should honestly declare their income.
160
00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:54,480
I can only agree.
161
00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:56,120
Have a nice day.
162
00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:03,680
Sergei Viktorovich,
163
00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:05,720
after the handshake and picture,
164
00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:08,480
a roundtable and tea party
is part of the meeting.
165
00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:10,360
A tea party is a semi-formal event
166
00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:13,960
during which
unconstrained conversation takes place.
167
00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:15,440
-Such as?
-Good question.
168
00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:18,960
Propitious tea-party topics
are theater, literature and travel.
169
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:21,480
Untoward topics
are ailments, soccer and women.
170
00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:22,800
Can I tell jokes?
171
00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:23,840
Jokes?
172
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:26,560
Jokes, puns, catchphrases and tales.
173
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:27,920
Humor, Oksana. Humor.
174
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:29,040
Humor is permitted.
175
00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:30,880
In your case, it's not.
176
00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:33,280
What do you mean "in your case"?
177
00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:37,200
Sergei Viktorovich,
you see, with your humor...
178
00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:40,520
we have to apologize at great length.
179
00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:43,360
You won't let me
ever forget the Uganda incident?
180
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:46,840
Understand that humor
must be pertinent to a specific situation.
181
00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:49,240
I know. Do you think I'm clueless?
182
00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:52,280
I don't intend
to tell Jewish jokes in front of Jews.
183
00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:54,920
"Jew" is improper.
It's better to say "Hebrew".
184
00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:56,360
In front of them, as well.
185
00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:59,400
Every nation
has a specific sense of humor.
186
00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:00,560
I've got it already.
187
00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:03,840
I'll tell one neutral joke
that everyone will get.
188
00:09:03,920 --> 00:09:05,440
Are you comfortable standing?
189
00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:07,880
Are you comfortable?
190
00:09:14,560 --> 00:09:15,360
Allow me.
191
00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:21,760
Menu please, waitress.
192
00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:27,200
Before the meeting,
I should hear this joke.
193
00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:31,360
So this guy goes on a date
with a girl and he likes her.
194
00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:33,280
So she invites him to her home.
195
00:09:33,360 --> 00:09:34,440
They have sex.
196
00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:36,280
He's getting ready to leave
197
00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:39,520
and notices a picture of some man
in the cupboard.
198
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:40,760
So he asks,
199
00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:42,560
"Who's this man? Who's he?"
200
00:09:42,640 --> 00:09:43,440
She replies,
201
00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:46,000
"It's all in the past.
I want to forget it."
202
00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:48,520
He says,
"Be serious. We had sex. We had wine.
203
00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:50,000
You made breakfast in bed.
204
00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:51,280
Who's this man?"
205
00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:53,960
She says, "You want to know?"
He says, "Yes, I do!"
206
00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:55,040
She says, "Well...
207
00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:56,760
that's me."
208
00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:04,760
Is that it?
209
00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:05,920
Yes.
210
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:07,320
Where's the punchline?
211
00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:09,680
Guy meets girl.
212
00:10:09,760 --> 00:10:12,000
She invites him over and they have sex.
213
00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:15,440
He was already leaving,
but had noticed some guy's picture.
214
00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:16,640
"That's me," she said.
215
00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:18,320
Where's the humor?
216
00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:20,800
The guy and girl had sex on a first date.
217
00:10:21,680 --> 00:10:22,600
That's low.
218
00:10:22,680 --> 00:10:26,240
Unless it's a parody
of the amoral behavior of today's youth,
219
00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:27,400
then it's satire.
220
00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:28,320
It's funny.
221
00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:31,560
Next, we see that he likes the girl
222
00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:33,720
because he notices the picture.
223
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:35,400
But the girl deceives him.
224
00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:38,040
She never admits to being a man
before the sex change.
225
00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:40,360
Maybe the man wanted
a relationship with her?
226
00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:42,200
Maybe he wanted to have children,
227
00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:44,280
buy a home, a golden retriever?
228
00:10:44,360 --> 00:10:46,880
Yet, she ruined his dream. That's mean!
229
00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:49,000
It's not humor, it's human tragedy.
230
00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:50,480
It's a joke, Oksana!
231
00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:51,520
By the way,
232
00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:53,080
about this tea party...
233
00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:55,560
It's a delegation from the Netherlands.
234
00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:58,840
Transvestite culture
is doing just fine there.
235
00:10:58,920 --> 00:11:00,080
It might turn out
236
00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:01,800
that the joke isn't a joke,
237
00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:05,040
but a delegate's real-life story,
238
00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:07,680
if not the entire delegation's.
239
00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:12,480
Here you are.
240
00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:13,840
Thanks.
241
00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:15,120
Mr President.
242
00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:17,680
A few words
about the new tax campaign.
243
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:18,840
It's very simple.
244
00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:19,720
In Ukraine,
245
00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:21,600
there's widespread tax evasion.
246
00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:23,880
And the high tax rate is a partial cause.
247
00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:26,800
We took the first step
in trusting our citizens.
248
00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:28,800
Now let the public reciprocate.
249
00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:29,800
Will it work?
250
00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:31,360
I appreciate your mistrust.
251
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:34,160
We'll severely punish tax evaders.
252
00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:36,800
But I have faith
in our fellow citizens' awareness.
253
00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:38,320
Thank you and goodbye.
254
00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:44,720
The president
has just filed his asset declaration
255
00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:47,560
and urged all the citizens of Ukraine
to follow suit.
256
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:50,840
If they don't, he's promised
to punish the tax dodgers.
257
00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:56,880
Hello, Vasyl Petrovych.
258
00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:57,760
Hi.
259
00:11:58,280 --> 00:11:59,360
This is how you look?
260
00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:01,280
You look taller on television.
261
00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:06,440
And who are you?
262
00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:08,280
I came to look you in the eyes.
263
00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:10,960
-Does your conscience pain you?
-Mine?
264
00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:13,520
You already took away
a person's reason to live.
265
00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:16,240
He's got nothing left, understand?
266
00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:18,920
-How? I--
-He clammed up. He shut himself out.
267
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:20,920
-Wait a second--
-Silent for two weeks.
268
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:21,960
-Do you see?
-Miss!
269
00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:24,960
-Who are you?
-Tolya's wife.
270
00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:26,200
Which Tolya?
271
00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:28,160
How easily you've forgotten.
272
00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:30,640
Yet, he was ready to die for you.
273
00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:33,680
Which Tolya are you talking about?
274
00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:34,760
Who was ready to die?
275
00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:37,280
The ex-head of your security!
276
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:39,240
I understand, finally.
277
00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:40,680
Let's step aside.
278
00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:44,560
-What's your name?
-Marina.
279
00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:45,440
Marina.
280
00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:48,560
-You see, Ma--
-Marina.
281
00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:49,480
No, I...
282
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:50,560
I'm so sorry that...
283
00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:54,440
-I'm deeply sorry that your ma--
-Mar... Marina.
284
00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:57,080
Your man! I don't mean Marina.
That he lost his job...
285
00:12:57,440 --> 00:13:00,600
But you and your spouse,
as conscious citizens,
286
00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:01,960
must appreciate
287
00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:04,560
that the state can't spend
such large sums of money
288
00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:06,360
on the president's care.
289
00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:07,880
I'm not the Lord's Anointed.
290
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:10,640
-Or a tsar. I'm an ordinary ma--
-Marina.
291
00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:12,880
Manager! You're Marina, I'm a manager.
292
00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:14,360
You see?
293
00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:17,960
The people elected me to effectively
manage the country and that's all.
294
00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:20,520
The choppers, limos and bodyguards
295
00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:22,200
don't affect the impact I make.
296
00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:23,600
Do you see?
297
00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:24,640
No.
298
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:26,320
Then I'll explain it simpler.
299
00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:28,360
Marina...
300
00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:30,440
I don't need bodyguards.
301
00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:32,000
Sorry.
302
00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:38,240
Okay.
303
00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:39,560
Here's a joke.
304
00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:42,480
A man on a bridge gets ready to jump.
305
00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:44,280
He gets on his tip-toes.
306
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,040
A woman runs up and says, "Stop! Wait..."
307
00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:49,800
"Sir, stop, wait!
308
00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:52,040
Don't jump! Don't you dare!
309
00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:53,560
Take these kittens, too."
310
00:13:58,560 --> 00:13:59,360
What?
311
00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:00,680
Also not funny?
312
00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:01,680
Not funny.
313
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:05,320
One delegate heads
the Animal Protection Agency.
314
00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:06,960
She runs four cat shelters.
315
00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:08,160
And what's funny?
316
00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:09,960
A cruel lady wants to kill kittens
317
00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:12,480
at a stranger's expense
to absolve her sin.
318
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:14,880
-It's cruel and violent. I can't--
-Enough.
319
00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:18,200
You could write a dissertation
on one joke.
320
00:14:25,840 --> 00:14:27,880
Okay. What do you deem funny?
321
00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:30,640
My favorite one.
322
00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:33,000
In an ancestral castle,
323
00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:37,080
an English lord winds his watch.
324
00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:39,000
An astonished lackey approaches him
325
00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:41,040
and asks, "What are you doing?"
326
00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:42,160
The lord answers,
327
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:43,760
"You see...
328
00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:48,800
My doctor advised me to exercise more."
329
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:57,360
It's one of the tower clocks
and he's pulling the...
330
00:14:58,080 --> 00:14:58,880
Wrong.
331
00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:02,160
-He's moving the hands, right?
-No.
332
00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:04,840
Physical exercise.
333
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:08,960
Okay.
334
00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:11,120
Oksana, let's agree
335
00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:12,840
that from now on,
336
00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:16,600
we'll no longer spoil
each other's moods with jokes.
337
00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:18,520
-But--
-Enjoy your meal.
338
00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:22,200
Each year,
339
00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:24,280
I file an honest declaration.
340
00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:26,120
This year wasn't an exception.
341
00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:27,880
I listed all my assets.
342
00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:30,080
Each kopeck,
343
00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:31,680
every acre of land.
344
00:15:31,760 --> 00:15:33,880
Every acre? How about every hectare?
345
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:36,000
Where is it?
346
00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:38,720
I'm not hiding anything.
Unlike some people.
347
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:40,800
Alas... What have I got to hide?
348
00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:44,960
Everything I earn breaking my back
is listed in the declaration.
349
00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:47,480
The president said to do it, so we did it.
350
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:50,800
We need to do something for this country.
351
00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:53,280
That's why.
352
00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:54,240
Glory to Ukraine.
353
00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:57,440
Excuse me,
I have to get going to Parliament.
354
00:15:58,440 --> 00:15:59,920
What can I say?
355
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:01,760
Glory to the heroes.
356
00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:06,720
It seems
the president's drive is resonating.
357
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:09,240
Just now,
parliamentary faction leaders filed,
358
00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:11,680
as they affirmed, honest declarations.
359
00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:14,120
Could matters have moved
beyond the deadlock?
360
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:15,920
Gentlemen, it's a brilliant idea.
361
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:16,880
Pay attention.
362
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:18,400
The Kremlin is in the frame.
363
00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:20,480
And so is a Russian jingoist.
364
00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:22,320
A typical one with a fur cap.
365
00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:24,200
And he says the most common phrase
366
00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:25,200
in a Moscow accent,
367
00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:26,840
"What do I look like, a sucker?
368
00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:28,960
I don't pay taxes and don't intend to."
369
00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:30,000
End quote.
370
00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:33,320
A slogan to finish.
"Only Russian jingoists don't pay taxes."
371
00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:37,840
Right. Excuse me,
but are there any more ideas?
372
00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:41,280
Yes, let me tell you them.
Here she is, my adorable one.
373
00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:42,680
Imagine this...
374
00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:44,240
It's a fine, sunny day.
375
00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:45,520
Bright and light.
376
00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:50,440
In a huge meadow, a green forest meadow,
a caterpillar crawls.
377
00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:53,040
The caterpillar crawls and wobbles.
378
00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:54,400
It's a lizard.
379
00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:57,560
Let it be a lizard. Why not? Now look...
380
00:16:57,640 --> 00:17:00,160
A lizard crawls
in the sunny forest meadow.
381
00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:02,360
Purple... A big purple lizard.
382
00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:03,240
-Purple?
-Yes.
383
00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:04,800
Well, it has a yellow belly.
384
00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:06,079
-A yellow belly?
-Sure.
385
00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:08,240
Yellow, with a blue back. Yellow and blue.
386
00:17:08,319 --> 00:17:10,280
A yellow-blue lizard. It's symbolic!
387
00:17:10,359 --> 00:17:11,160
This is Ukraine?
388
00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:13,480
-Ukraine.
-It's symbolic. So look...
389
00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:15,520
It crawls. Who will play the lizard?
390
00:17:15,599 --> 00:17:19,359
The guy who played D'Artagnan
in Three Musketeers. "Hey, you rascal!"
391
00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:20,839
Then, the sky goes dark.
392
00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:22,800
Thunder strikes.
393
00:17:23,359 --> 00:17:25,000
Who appears? A lion!
394
00:17:25,079 --> 00:17:26,680
Dressed as a tax inspector.
395
00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:28,079
What does the lizard do?
396
00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:30,000
-Drops some of its tail.
-D'Artagnan?
397
00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:32,640
And smugly leaves the scene.
398
00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:34,520
Here's the slogan.
399
00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:37,200
"Give the state a slice
400
00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:38,800
or we'll take everything."
401
00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:40,680
It's brilliant.
402
00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:42,560
-May I have a word, please?
-Sure.
403
00:17:42,640 --> 00:17:43,840
-Great slogan!
-Sorry!
404
00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:46,360
-"Give the state a slice..."
-Breathtaking.
405
00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:53,200
Where did you find this luminary?
406
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:56,440
Two hours of hearing crap!
My head is going to explode.
407
00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:58,800
He's our best film director.
408
00:17:58,880 --> 00:18:01,520
The ministry regularly funds his movies.
409
00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:03,800
This is why we don't have movies.
410
00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:07,200
Let him finish.
I'm sure he has fresh ideas.
411
00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:14,480
Yes...
412
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:15,840
Arkadiy!
413
00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:17,080
Excuse us, please.
414
00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:20,440
-Do you like it?
-Yes. Is there anything...
415
00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:22,600
Something more natural? Do you follow?
416
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:24,440
-Naturally, I have natural.
-Yes.
417
00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:29,200
Brilliant. I kept this for the end,
but I'll tell you about it now.
418
00:18:29,280 --> 00:18:31,120
Imagine a laboratory.
419
00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:33,600
The view is through a microscope lens.
420
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:35,560
Two bacteria are out for a light walk.
421
00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:37,440
They're played by two B-list actors.
422
00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:39,240
-They arrive and what?
-They talk?
423
00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:41,440
Of course.
They argue about the tax system.
424
00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:43,080
This will be epic.
425
00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:45,000
I'll get the B-list actors. Easy!
426
00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:47,440
-I know them all.
-Excuse me for interrupting.
427
00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:50,120
In 20 minutes,
you meet with the French president.
428
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:51,200
-Wow, really?
-Yes?
429
00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:52,600
Yes, you clearly forgot.
430
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:54,960
Great! In fact, in 20 minutes--
431
00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:56,240
-I will--
-I remember!
432
00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:57,720
I have an important meeting.
433
00:18:57,800 --> 00:18:59,760
-Sorry.
-You and the French president.
434
00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:00,960
You shake his hand!
435
00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:02,760
-Wait!
-Seven lizards are on you.
436
00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:05,200
-And amoebas.
-Go with the minister.
437
00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:06,320
Go to his office.
438
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:08,760
We appreciate your ideas.
They're fabulous.
439
00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:10,360
Thank you. I have a meeting.
440
00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:12,200
-Think about it!
-Okay. I have to go!
441
00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:14,840
If need be,
we could replace the B-list actors.
442
00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:17,440
Thank you.
It's just that I have to go. Just...
443
00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:18,840
-Vasyl Petrovych.
-Yes?
444
00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:20,800
So which one shall we choose?
445
00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:22,840
-Maybe the Russian one?
-No!
446
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:24,920
Definitely not Russian.
447
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:26,360
-Right, of course.
-Okay.
448
00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:27,520
Thank you.
449
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:33,040
You're my savior, Bella Rudolfovna.
450
00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:33,960
You're welcome.
451
00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:48,400
Mr Avermars says they're satisfied
with the meeting's outcome.
452
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:49,320
It's tea time.
453
00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:05,360
-So here's a joke!
-Sergei Viktorovich.
454
00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:06,360
Translate.
455
00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:07,240
So,
456
00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:08,720
a man is standing on a bridge.
457
00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:11,800
He's getting ready
to jump and commit suicide.
458
00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:18,000
A woman runs up to him and says,
459
00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:19,360
"Young man, wait!
460
00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:21,600
Wait, don't do it, wait.
461
00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:23,240
Here, take these kittens, too!"
462
00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:38,080
Oksana.
463
00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:39,520
Why didn't you tell my joke?
464
00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:44,680
What did he say?
465
00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:46,960
He says that he owns cat shelters.
466
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:48,680
Hold on...
467
00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:51,440
You said a female delegate has shelters.
468
00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:52,840
He's the "she" delegate.
469
00:20:56,640 --> 00:20:58,920
Shall we tell the one about the photo?
470
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:00,640
No! Don't!
471
00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:05,360
Bon appétit!
472
00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:07,480
Help yourselves. Make yourselves at...
473
00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:11,360
Do you know whatDmitriy Vasilievich told me?
474
00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:13,360
He said he doesn't
take orders from me,
475
00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:15,320
and that he won't listen to me.
476
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:16,280
Is that normal?
477
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:17,520
No, that's abnormal.
478
00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:19,800
But which Dmitriy Vasilievich?
479
00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:21,400
Our son or your deputy?
480
00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:22,600
My deputy.
481
00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:24,760
Hey, can I fire him?
482
00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:25,960
Yes, you can.
483
00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:26,880
Great.
484
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:28,920
About our Dmitriy Vasilievich...
485
00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:31,840
We need to give 1,000 hryvnias
to remodel the classroom.
486
00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:34,360
Take it from your purse.
I'll repay you later.
487
00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:36,680
You owe my purse for Dima's rollerblades.
488
00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:37,560
Okay, later.
489
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:41,240
Take this! Here! Take this!
490
00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:44,040
Ten seconds.
491
00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:46,920
Three knife wounds to your vital organs.
492
00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:49,240
Yet, I'm only a housekeeper...
493
00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:50,240
God, ma'am!
494
00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:51,880
Marina! Tolya's wife.
495
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:53,920
Marina, Tolya's wife, you're crazy.
496
00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:56,760
I'm actually sane
and you're basically a corpse.
497
00:21:56,840 --> 00:21:59,360
-Goodbye!
-What if a real killer were in my place?
498
00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:00,640
I said, goodbye.
499
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:03,160
Don't you realize
that you really need a guard?
500
00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:04,480
You need a psychiatrist.
501
00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:08,000
Okay. I'll see a psychiatrist
if you give Tolya his job back.
502
00:22:08,080 --> 00:22:09,200
Marina, Tolya's wife,
503
00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:12,000
as far as I know,
Indira Gandhi had 100 bodyguards.
504
00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:13,440
And did that help her?
505
00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:14,640
They killed her!
506
00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:16,040
Tolya isn't like that!
507
00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:16,920
-Hello.
-Hello!
508
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:18,320
He'll never kill you.
509
00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:20,680
Marina, which way are you going?
510
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:21,960
-The subway.
-Subway?
511
00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:24,000
-Yes.
-Then I'm taking the bus.
512
00:22:25,360 --> 00:22:26,400
Are you following me?
513
00:22:26,480 --> 00:22:28,160
-The bus is better.
-Better?
514
00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:29,640
-Yes.
-I'll take the subway.
515
00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:32,800
You're crazy!
516
00:22:34,760 --> 00:22:35,960
Go away!
517
00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:37,280
Please.
518
00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:43,840
Gentlemen,
aren't you sick of playing Monopoly?
519
00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:46,960
Absolutely not!
520
00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:49,440
At least here I could snatch
521
00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:51,320
the Odessa Port.
522
00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:53,040
As its owner,
523
00:22:53,120 --> 00:22:57,120
I want to announce
that people overstate its profits.
524
00:22:57,960 --> 00:22:59,080
Not by the looks of you.
525
00:23:00,440 --> 00:23:02,000
Three, four, five.
526
00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:04,800
Who has Kievenergo?
527
00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:05,720
If you wish.
528
00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:07,600
Right...
529
00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:09,840
I'll pay you
530
00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:11,680
and pay taxes.
531
00:23:12,560 --> 00:23:13,640
You've oppressed
532
00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:15,240
an honest businessman.
533
00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:17,920
As if you pay taxes!
534
00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:18,920
Of course!
535
00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:20,360
Or I go to prison.
536
00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:23,480
In Israel, we have it tough.
537
00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:27,040
I don't get it.
538
00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:29,560
Why should we pay taxes?
539
00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:31,160
We first give money away
540
00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:32,480
only to take it back.
541
00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:35,760
It's like taking from the left pocket
and placing it in the right.
542
00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:39,600
Good evening, gentlemen. You called?
543
00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:42,040
We wanted to praise you
for your promotion,
544
00:23:42,120 --> 00:23:45,000
in relation to the premature
departure of Krivitskiy.
545
00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:49,240
The promotion is unofficial, of course.
546
00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:51,760
But it's no less honorable.
547
00:23:51,840 --> 00:23:53,320
It's also very favorable.
548
00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:55,000
Here's your first task...
549
00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:57,680
There's a tradition in this country.
550
00:23:57,760 --> 00:23:59,960
Even the new president can't breach it.
551
00:24:00,040 --> 00:24:01,880
In politics, you get smeared.
552
00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:04,520
We need to know his price,
553
00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:06,040
how long his leash is.
554
00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:07,520
Here's the deal...
555
00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:10,000
We want dirt on Holoborodko.
556
00:24:10,080 --> 00:24:12,040
All the dirt.
557
00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:14,120
Essentially, you understand,
558
00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:18,400
we need an obedient president.
559
00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:19,280
I see.
560
00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:25,920
CARVING UP
561
00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:28,400
Translated by Mark P. Raczkiewycz
39065
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.