All language subtitles for Kate & Koji S02E06

PHONE RINGS

'Mrs Abbot?'
Yes, this is she.

Have I ever thought about getting
my gas from my electricity supplier?

Every waking hour!

Why don't you tell me
all the details?

Doctor?

You know yesterday
when I consulted you

about the concerning hard bulge
behind my ear?

Your skull? Yes.

And the itchiness I got
in an embarrassing place?

The piece of Ritz cracker
in your underpants?

Yeah.

Is it possible I'm asking you
too many medical questions?

No. It's certain.

So do you think I might be
coming down with hypochondria?

If it didn't exist already,
they would name it after you.

Right.

So how do you plan to treat it?

Treat hypochondria?
Yeah, I think I got it really badly.

I prescribe the following.

You must not ask me any questions
about your health

for a least one week.

On the internet,
it says I need holistic counselling.

Well, on the internet,
it says Finland doesn't exist,

and that we are all ruled
by alien lizards,

for which there is no evidence.

Apart from Jacob Rees-Mogg.

But what...
Ah! One week.

Yeah, I'm still listening.

They waste my time,
I'll waste theirs.

DOORBELL CHIMES

Interesting fact for today,

did you know that humans share
60% of their DNA with a coconut?

Maybe that's why I get that dream

where people are throwing
wooden balls at me.

Oh, that reminds me,
you know that DNA testing kit

you got me for Christmas?
Mm.

I got the results back.

Oh, anything interesting?
Nah, not really.

You know,
average on the Neanderthal.

22% French, all on my mum's side.

Your mum?
My mum.

Your sister. Maggie.

And you know what that means.

Well, that's awful!

So me and Maggie had different dads?

No, it means that a lot
of your heritage is French, too.

In fact, it means you have even more
French blood than Medium.

No!

I'd know if I was part French.
How?

I'd feel French. I'd be sullen,
superior, unwelcoming.

Well, let's hope that never happens.
Look, Auntie...

I'm too busy to discuss this.

I've got enough on my plate
without being a foreigner.

I need to concentrate
on my campaign.

Campaign?

Heaven knows why,
but Kate has announced

she is going to stand for election

as the local
police and crime commissioner.

Why the hell would...

Oh, wait a minute.
Is Councillor Bone standing?

Oh, I believe
she may be one of the candidates,

but I'm standing
out of a sense of public duty.

Annoying her is just a bonus.

Are you actually allowed to stand?

Well, you're only disqualified from
standing if you've been convicted,

not if you've just been cautioned,
or arrested,

or been given a penalty notice,

or had a restraining order... "s".

Right.

The way I see it,
I've got more experience

of the criminal justice system
than my opponents.

I'm gonna strike a blow
for real people.

But to do that,
you would have to win. Yes.

But to do that, you would
need people to vote for you.

Yes, are you saying I'm unpopular?

You're not saying that,
are you, Koji? No, I am.

I mean, I like you,
but I am an asylum seeker,

so I'm used to rudeness and abuse.
Well...

I think what Koji is trying to say
is that you can, on occasion,

slightly intimidate people.

DOORBELL CHIMES

Couple of letters.

You're not our usual postie.
He's off sick.

Stress related.
He told me about you.

Postie, are you intimidated by me?

Would you like me to be?
No!

Then I'm not. Bye.

See.
Well, no.

He is scared of you, but it
doesn't mean he would vote for you.

He will if I tell him to.

Auntie, I think there's a risk

of you getting
disappointingly few votes.

We can sort this easily
with an opinion poll.

They're quite expensive and...
Hands up those who'd vote for me.

See? You're out of touch, Koji.

The world over, people are electing
mavericks, renegades.

Cretins?

Well, guess what?
You don't have a vote.

Hm.
'Hello? Are you still there?'

Still here!

Now, I'm gonna position myself
as the authentic local candidate.

Now, a free cup of tea
to whoever comes up

with the best slogan
for my campaign.

Ooh, er, "Vive la difference."

"Je ne regrette rien."

"Angleterre nil points."

It's the only French
I could think of.

As a vegan,
is it ethical for you to go fishing?

It is,
because I never catch anything.

So, you said you would vote
for Kate.

It's easier.

I am worried that when they count
the votes, she'll be humiliated.

Or worse, elected.

I know she's not great at working
with other people.

She could start a fight
at a Quaker meeting.

Well, she did.

Of course, it's not going
to be a problem, is it?

With the job you're taking abroad?

A text arrived when I borrowed
your phone to research

the past perfect subjunctive.

I'm sorry, I couldn't not see it.

And there, I'm using
the double negative deliberately.

Right.

Well, yeah, you know,
I'll miss everyone in the caff...

..but I want excitement and...

Well, you know what they say,

when you die,
you regret what you didn't do.

Not what you did.

Unless what you did was, say,
jump into a lion's enclosure.

Then you'll regret that,
though quite briefly.

Wise words.

When will you tell Kate?
I'm waiting for a good time.

There's not going to be
one of those, is there? No.

Maybe when you're alone with her.

Yeah.

Or maybe when I'm not.

I'm serious about standing.

There comes a time to stop
complaining and start acting.

You gonna stop complaining?

No, I'm gonna do that as well,
just to be sure.

Yeah, I'm still here.
DOORBELL CHIMES

Did you catch anything?
Double pneumonia and a foot spa.

Doc, I've got a pain in my...

..greenhouse that needs replacing.

Good.

Anyway,
I'd better get back to the campaign.

The campaign?
I'm Kate's campaign manager.

He's not, is he?

Why, did you want the job?

No, thanks.
Well, then, yes, he is.

I've already started the ground war.

I've been knocking on voters' doors
on the estate.

Pitbulls are surprisingly quick,
aren't they?

And did you know they can jump?

DOORBELL CHIMES

Oh, Councillor Bone,

did your sex addiction group
finish early?

Well, well,
it's the Cressida Dick of Seagate.

I hear you're standing against me
as crime commissioner.

Yes, I am.
I think that's an excellent idea.

Do you?

Absolutely,
because it'll finally prove

how much more popular I am than you.

There's fungal infections
more popular than you.

Well, the facts prove I'm popular.

How else do you think
I got elected councillor?

Apathy and sleaze?

Well, let's wait and see, shall we?

If indeed you do stand,

you will definitely lose
your £5,000 deposit.

Oh, bless, you didn't know you had
to put up that much, did you?

Yes, obviously, I did.

I carried out due diligence.

Wait a moment.
With your crippling debt problems,

how will you get hold of the money?

Oh, I've taken measures
to address my cash flow issues,

and my campaign manager

is busy setting up
a crowdfunding site as we speak.

Do you know why
I'm going to trounce you, Kate,

apart from name recognition,
organisation and money?

Because I'm a politician.

So I, at least,
know how to act nice.

Something you can't do.

DOORBELL CHIMES

I hate to say this,
but she is correct.

She's got you beaten on insincerity.

DOORBELL CHIMES

I just wanna cup of tea, please.
No sugar.

An excellent choice.

You're looking very well!
What?

How's the family?

My family? Oh, they're fine.
Why? What have you heard?

Nothing, just chatting.

On the house
for a hard-working postie.

Enjoy.

Thanks. Bye.

See?

Why do you keep saying "see"?

I have people skills.

Would somebody French
have been that friendly?

Auntie, you know crime commissioner
is a full-time job, don't you?

You'd have to give up the caff.

Oh, sorting out the police
and reducing crime,

how hard can it be?

And you can always
cover for me here.

What?

Auntie, um, I've got something
that we need to talk about.

You know when I was working
at the zoo,

painting those "do not take selfies
with the polar bears" signs?

Mm.

Well, I got to know the manager,

and he said he needed
a friendly bloke with people skills

who could take tourists round
this wildlife conservation project.

Oh, but that's fantastic!

In Peru.

Well, that's fantastic.

Yeah. It is.

So, this is, what,
for, like, a couple of months?

Couple of years.

Oh, well, that's fantastic!

Obviously,
I'd miss you and the caff.

I just don't wanna be
one of those people

that gets stuck in this town
for their whole life.

Not that there's anything wrong
with that.

Oh, you go and have a good time.

Me and Koji will be painting
the town red back here,

won't we, Koji?

Perhaps not.

My lawyer is getting
more pessimistic

about my chances of getting asylum.

He replied to my last enquiries

with a row of emojis
depicting crying cats.

I'm sorry, Kate.
You may be on your own.

No, it's you we need to worry about,
Koji.

Me, on my own, I'm... I'm fantastic.

And I'll be up to my ears
with the police and crime.

We can stay in contact with Zoom.

Oh, I doubt I'll have time for that,
Medium.

OK, fair enough.

So, everyone's leaving, eh?

Will you be leaving, Mr Mulholland?

No. No, I'm staying here.

Oh, well, never mind.

"Breaking news.

"Fuel prices set to rise
even further."

That's all I need.

I'd stick my head in the oven,
only I can't afford it.

Couple of campaign things.

I asked prospective voters
what was the first word

that came into their heads
when I said your name.

The top three were "stroppy"...

.."mouthy" and "who?".

Bit rude.

I'd better get off.
I'll be late for my origami class.

The dancing hippopotamus
is quite a challenge.

Doc, I've got this chronic...

..cle that I've gotta write
when I get home.

Well, I should be going, too.

Oh, no, Koji,
can you hang on for a sec?

Only there's someone I...
Oh, here he is.

Trevor here,
wants to ask you something.

Evening, Doc.

It's not the correct time
for a consultation.

It's not a consultation.

It's an interesting proposition
for you.

No, thank you.

Playing hard to get, I like that.

Why don't I tell you what it is?

You can't get a doctor's appointment
round here for threats nor money.

I could set you up
as a sort of cash in hand,

pay-as-you-go medical professional,
split the profits.

Good for you, good for me.

It's illegal.
Someone would report me.

No.

I would... discourage that.

Which might even give us
some more patients.

Kate.

Kate can vouch for me
as a substantive business partner.

Can she?

Yes,
he's a substantive business partner.

I already have one doctor
working for me in my...

..pharmaceuticals division.

I am sorry, but my answer's no.

I could never go into business
with a criminal.

You saying I'm a criminal?

Aren't you?
Well, yeah, I am.

I'll tell you what,

why don't you take some time
to review that decision?

Kate knows where to find me.

While I'm here, Doc,

you any good on
erectile dysfunction?

No.

Lucky I haven't got a problem there,
then.

Why did you tell a man like that
I'd talk to him?

Because he's a man like that!

And maybe I owe him
a little bit of money.

Oh, look, I'm sorry, Koji.

I didn't know he was gonna ask
what he asked.

Well, at least this ends

the possibility
of you being crime commissioner.

Why?

Why? You owe money to a criminal.
And? I'm a politician now.

Oh, I'll pay back what I owe him,

but it's too late
to quit the election.

I've made my poster now.

It's nice and simple,

just my picture
with a slogan underneath.

"Go ahead, punk. Make my day."

This needs to be
a modern political campaign

where we harness
the power of the internet.

As soon as we get you unbanned
from Twitter...

..and Instagram...

and Facebook.

I don't know why you're
still standing in this election.

And I don't know
why you borrowed money off Trevor.

What interest rate
is he charging you?

40%.
40% a year?

A month?
A week?! Auntie!

Oh, all right, all right.

I knew it was stupid
when I was doing it.

But the bank had said no.

Well, their actual wording was,
"when hell freezes over".

But it wasn't for me,

it was to keep
my old mum's caff going.

40% interest compounded weekly
on your 400 quid loan comes to,

after one year...

..£16 billion.

This is not something to joke about.

No, no,
that is how compound interest works.

You really would owe £16 billion.

Oh, that seems unreasonably high.

Will someone explain to Kate

that owing large sums to criminals
means you can't hold public office?

Oh, la-di-da!

You're a typical member
of the liberal elite.

Elite? I'm penniless.
I'm stateless. I'm passport-less.

And you, Auntie, are clueless.
You're gonna get massacred.

You'll get fewer votes
than the Greens.

In Essex.

Oh, roll on Peru.

I'm well liked.
What about my opinion poll?

Very well.

Everybody, who would really vote
for Kate as crime commissioner?

Honestly.
Oh, honestly?

Oh, so you're resigning
as my campaign manager?

Oh, no, I'll still do that.
It gives me a sense of purpose.

POSTMAN: Hi, Kate.

Cup of tea, please, love.
How's it all going, then?

How's tricks?
Looks like it might brighten up.

Sod off!
Okey-dokey.

Look, Auntie.
Oh, now the other one's started.

You can save your breath,
I'm still standing.

I will rise above these vile slurs
you're spreading,

and trounce you in this election.

Oh, I'm not standing.
What? What?

What?
My supporters begged me to continue,

but I'm campaigning
to have that post abolished.

It won't be.
Local people will get democracy

whether they want it or not,

and I'll be
their new crime commissioner.

What are you smiling at?
I'm smiling at,

"Local party dumps Bone
over lockdown-breach scandal."

Dumps? I checked the regulations.

They only said
you couldn't go to your second home.

They said nothing
about your third home.

This is a witch hunt!
And they found one.

You're just jealous,

but that's you in a bloody nutshell,
Kate Abbott.

Insular, parochial and provincial.

Parochial and provincial?

I'll have you know, I'm half French!

What the hell just happened there?

Oh, I decided to drop out
last night.

So, why did you tell us
you were still standing?

Cos you told me not to.

So rather than back down,
you just lied to us.

Maybe she would make
a good politician.

So, where did you find the evidence

about her lockdown breach
to tell the press?

It wasn't me.
Who was it, then?

I took my job as campaign manager
very seriously.

Doctor, I thought you should know,

I'm feeling hale, hearty
and fit as a fiddle.

You've cured my hypochondria
in two days.

Excellent news.

So, now can we talk about
the strange pain in my pancreas?

You can't do this.
Well, I have.

Your debt to Trevor
has been paid off.

I struck a deal
considerably short of 16 billion.

No, I won't let you do this.
I've done it.

I prefer you with kneecaps.
I'll never do that again.

I can't believe I did something
so stupid in the first place.

And I thought people
would vote for me.

I suppose I just got the wrong
end of the stick about myself.

Ah, none of us understand ourselves,
do we?

We all have these absurd illusions.

Don't we just. I used to think
I was really boring.

How crazy was that?

When I tell people that now,

their eyes just glaze over
in disbelief.

Mm-hm.
Bye, all.

Medium, where did you get
that money?

Er... It was the cash I'd saved
for my flight.

I'm not going to Peru.

No, I'm not gonna be the one
who killed your chance to get away.

I'd already chosen not to go.
What?

Well...

Crossing the world to some strange,
new place would have been...

exciting and adventurous and...
really difficult.

And I realised,
I don't like difficult.

I don't really like
exciting and adventurous.

So, that's why you're staying?

Yeah, that's why I'm staying.

You're definitely staying?
Oh, yeah.

Oh, damn,
I was hoping to get your van.

She's pleased.
I know.

I'm moderately pleased.

See, I am capable of being positive.

Plus,
this whole global pandemic thing.

It's made me realise
what's really important.

Yep.
Certainly has.

The importance of friends,
living in the moment...

..not eating bats.

Yeah, I'd say that's a given.

There's too many idiots!

Only an idiot would eat something
that lives upside down.

What she says is right.
There's a surplus of idiots.

That is the main lesson
of the pandemic.

Oh, my God. You two are agreeing!

No, I don't think we are.
No, we are.

No, I'm talking about eating bats,
you're talking about idiots.

It's... It's different.

No, because it's the idiots
who eat the bats, so...

D'you know your trouble, Koji?
You're argumentative.