All language subtitles for Kate & Koji S02E05

And he replied,

"No, but the Invisible Man
got one hell of a shock."

So Superman had not realised
that Wonder Woman

was having sexual relations
with the Invisible Man?

Yes.

I find that hard to believe.

HE SIGHS

Surely, Wonder Woman's demeanour
would have been an indication.

And another joke dies in agony.

Here we go, Joyce, my love.

Oh, lovely.
So, how long are you up for?

Oh, just till Thursday. If I leave
my Frank on his own for too long,

the cat starts to dominate him.

Did you hear,
poor Meg Simms has gone?

Oh, yes. Oh, she was a character.

She certainly was.

Here, do you remember in Year Three,

when she secretly sewed those prawns
into Sister Conceptua's wimple?

Oh, yes,
and then that heatwave arrived.

God, how she stank. Do you remember?

Mother Superior thought she'd been
possessed, called in an exorcist.

Actually, that wasn't Meg.
Wasn't it?

No, no. Hetty Pringle
did the prawns in the wimple.

Hetty Pringle?

Oh, you remember Hetty Pringle.
Hmm.

Very tall. Joined the circus.

Became a human cannonball.

Oh, I remember, yeah.

Missed the net that time,
ended up on the news. That's her.

Also, Superman has X-ray vision,
so surely he would have seen

the Invisible Man's bones
jiggling up and down.

If the Invisible Man is invisible,
then his bones are invisible.

Surely that...
Oh, you just did it again.

Did what?

That sort of weird,
eye-twitchy thing.

Oh, not this again.

You don't realise you're doing it.
I am a medical professional.

I think I would know
if I was developing a symptom.

Well, you keep saying that,

so I did film you
while you were doing your crossword.

Just take a look.
No.

And for your information,

I did not come to this country
to be secretly filmed.

I got enough of that back home
with the police.

All right.
I'm just worried about you.

Yes, that's what they said.

All right. OK.

Surely, the Invisible Man
would have... Just leave it, OK?

I came past
the old recreation ground.

Do you remember that time

when you fell asleep
in that pile of leaves

and woke up with a big slug
on your face?

Oh, God, yeah.
That gave me a terrible phobia.

For years, if I saw any kind
of slug, I'd immediately throw up.

Had to leave the room whenever
The Magic Roundabout came on.

Do you see much
of that stuck-up bint?

Oh, what's her name?
Lavvy, what's-her-name.

Oh, she's Councillor Lavinia Bone
now.

She never could stand
being called Lavvy, could she?

KATE LAUGHS

Have you and her
still got that feud going?

We have.
That's for 65 years.

It is 65 years, but she started it.

PHONE RINGS
Oh, for...

Hello?

No, you can't talk
to Mrs Katherine Abbott.

Cos she died.

Two minutes ago. Heart attack.

In fact,
I was giving her mouth-to-mouth,

but I had to stop
to answer the phone.

They've gone.
Cold caller?

No, that was the bank.

Telling them you're dead only works
when they're new.

Oh, they're talking about
reintroducing wolves into England.

That'll liven up bin night.

Does he know
he's developed a twitch?

Can everyone please stop
staring at me?

Look, Koji, it's nothing
to be embarrassed about.

You're waiting to hear back
about your asylum appeal.

You've been under enormous pressure
for ages.

Give yourself permission
to display the stress.

It's OK not to be OK.

Have you been listening to
another podcast by Prince William?

I might have been.

If you're going to the toilet,

will you please observe
the listed protocols?

Especially numbers 12 and 17.

Tenner says
he doesn't manage to flush it.

Why not?
Because he's a man.

That flush doesn't like men.

Men are too heavy-handed.
It prefers women.

You have a lesbian toilet?

No, I'm not saying
my toilet is female.

It's just, well, talking of toilets,
here comes Lavvy.

Watch this, Joy,
she's still so easy to wind up.

Good morning, Councillor Bone.

I see you've come dressed
as Kew Gardens.

Yes, it probably is a bit much,
isn't it? But...

..it just matched my mood somehow.

I would like a nice cup of tea

and one of your scrumptious-looking
fairy cakes, please.

Sorry, what?

Tea and a fairy cake, please.
That one there looks lovely.

You want to stay and eat something?

Yes.

COINS DROP

Is everything all right, Kate?

You're putting money
in a charity box.

I'm getting frightened now.

Oh, right, I get it. You're getting
shot of some foreign coins.

No, it was five pounds.

Very frightened.

It's Joyce Bennet, isn't it?
Yeah.

I thought I recognised you.
Goodness, you haven't aged a bit.

Where did you get that lovely top?

TK Maxx.

Your flush is not fit for purpose.

Good morning, Doctor.
And how are you on this lovely day?

Are you talking to me?
Yes, Doctor.

I-I-I am fine, thank you.

Good, because I know
how terribly difficult

it is for asylum seekers right now.

I mean, personally, I think
Priti Patel is being far too severe.

Right, that's it.
You're freaking me out.

Have you had a stroke or something?

I see.
You've noticed a change in me.

Yes, I have changed.
Something changed me.

Eh?

Last Thursday,
Bernard - my husband - and I

were flying down to Jersey together

when he suddenly gave this strange
grunt and lost consciousness.

I mean, he blacked out.
That must have been scary.

Yes, it was.
He was flying the plane.

Oh, my God.
I tried to revive him, but...

Anyway, as we drifted
through the sky,

I found myself praying,
first time ever.

And I promised God
that if Bernard and I were spared,

that I would become a better person.

And then miraculously,
Bernard came round.

So now I'm keeping my promise
to God.

OK, so you found God.
Well done, you.

Hope you'll be very happy together.

God doesn't want us to fight
any more, Kate.

He wants the two of us to change.

I don't need to change.
You change if you wanna change,

but I'm not changing
just because you've changed.

That is if you have changed.
Here's your change.

Please, keep it.

Why don't you come to church
with me? Saint Saviour's.

Is that the one with the big
cardboard cut-out of Mary Berry

saying, "We'll all be judged
come Armageddon week"?

Yes. Brian, the vicar,
is very modern.

He sold all the pews to make room
for a mindfulness space.

Oh, well, all this is very riveting,

but some of us
have to work for a living.

Oh, I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to crowd you.

Well, that cake was delicious.

I shall see all of you lovely people
tomorrow.

BELL RINGS
Bye, all.

Well, let's hear it
for near-death experiences.

Yeah, shame it was only near-death.

She does sound like she's changed.

She hasn't changed. She's just
found a new way of being annoying.

Well, she certainly seems
less obnoxious.

She gave me a smile.
She complimented my top.

It's an act!
Earlier, I saw her walking a puppy.

Probably her familiar.
Yeah, but...

People don't change.
That just doesn't happen.

Yes, it does.
Yeah? Well, give me one example.

OK. Erm... Er...

Oh, er, er, er,
Ian Paisley and Martin McGuinness.

Yeah, they were sworn enemies,
you know, hated each other,

but became good friends.

They're Irish.
They're a mysterious race.

Experiences change people
all the time. Look at you.

You're not the same woman you were
ten years ago. You've mellowed.

She's... mellowed?

The plain fact is, Auntie,

that your old enemy
wants to end this stupid war.

That's got to be worth a try,
surely.

I mean, what started it
in the first place? 65 years.

I bet you can't even remember.
Oh, I remember.

Don't you worry about that.

Oh, but it would be nice to end the
hostilities, though, wouldn't it?

You know,
she could be Martin McGuinness

and you could be Ian Paisley.

Oh, right, what, so I'm the big,
shouty, stroppy one, am I?

OK, well, you can be
Martin McGuinness if you...

Oh, so now I'm a terrorist.

No, what I'm saying...
Lavinia Bone has not changed.

People like her don't change.
Nothing has changed.

She's one of those people
that always needs an enemy.

That's why she kept getting married.

You OK?

Just now, in the toilet mirror, I...

..I did notice that I had a slight
unconscious facial mannerism.

Am I doing it now?

Er, no, no. Oh, there's one.

It's totally understandable.
All this tension.

Waiting for them to process
your asylum appeal.

Tension can do horrible things.

My uncle Norman
was a professional snooker player.

One day, his arm swelled up
like a balloon.

The doctor told him the swelling
was his brain's way of telling him

to take a break
from the stress of snooker.

Doctor said it was all in his mind.
Right.

It wasn't. He dropped dead
as he left the surgery.

Sorry. What... What was that story
supposed to illustrate?

Nothing. I just wanted to share.

Men shouldn't keep things
bottled up. That's what...

Prince William says. Yes, I know.

Look, Koji, when I was 20,

I got really stressed,
and I ended up in a very dark place.

But I discovered an activity
to help me handle all the pressure.

And what was
this therapeutic activity?

WIND WHISTLING
So, this is sea fishing?

Brilliant, isn't it?
Connecting with nature like this,

it shrinks your worries somehow,
you know,

just feeling the wind on your face.

I can't feel the wind on my face
because I can't feel my face.

I lose all sense of time doing this.

I have no idea how long
we've been out here.

Two hours, 47 minutes.

Right, but, you know, there's been
a few moments of excitement,

haven't there?
Oh, yes.

Your heroic battle to land that crab

was reminiscent
of Ernest Hemingway (!)

You still seem quite tense.
Do you wanna talk?

In that Prince William podcast,

he was saying how men are trapped
by masculinity.

They don't share their feelings.

I know. It's what I like best
about them.

All right. I'm only trying to help.

I know. And it was a kind thought.

But I would like to pack this in
before I lose any toes.

All right.

So, where do you stand
on the big controversy of the day?

Do you think Councillor Bone
can have changed?

Well, so far, it's just words,
and words prove nothing.

Deeds. Deeds are the proof.

You want to pay off my debts?

Yes. You see,
when I left earlier, I thought,

"How do I convince Kate
that I've changed?"

And then the Good Lord
sent me the solution.

Did he use Amazon?

There it is again,
that lovely sense of humour.

Oh, let's put the past behind us,
Kate.

Let me free you from your debts.

Well, I owe a couple of thousand.

Not a problem. God has blessed me
with the gift of money.

Yes, but I don't like to discuss
my private finances in public.

Oh, of course, I understand.
Take your time.

I'll be back tomorrow.
BELL RINGS

Back again, eh, Councillor Bone?

Call me Lavinia. And Doctor,
I owe you a personal apology.

OK...

I've been very unkind to you
in the past, and I'm sorry.

OK...

Well, I've got some homemade scones
to distribute at the soup kitchen.

Bye, Kate, and please, take as long
as you like to consider my offer.

DOOR CLOSES
Well, that's the clincher.

She's changed.
Eh?

She just apologised
to an asylum seeker.

Oh, so I wasn't hallucinating.

Proves nothing.

And she's giving scones
to homeless people.

Last year, she wanted
to turn firehoses on them.

Or Taser them. Oh, no, sorry,
that was the buskers.

No, it's all an act.
She won't be able to keep it up.

What's this offer she mentioned?
She said she'd pay off Kate's debts.

Oh, what are you, News At Ten?

She's offering to settle your debts.

That... That's gotta be worth
thinking about, hasn't it?

I don't want to give that woman
any more brain space, OK?

You all right, Joyce?
You were in that toilet for ages.

Well, you know, nowadays,
it takes me a while to rev up.

Did the flush work OK?
Yeah, first time.

There you are, see?
It works for women.

This is ludicrous.

You do not have a gender-conscious
bog that discriminates against men.

I do, and I can prove it.

Prove it? How?

Mr Mullholland?
Yeah?

I expect you probably need to go
to the toilet, don't you?

Well, I do now.

So, the parrot said,
"Hello, Keith," because...

It recognised him from the brothel,
yeah. Erm...

And it would have constantly heard
the, er, female employees

saying, "Hello, Keith."

But can a parrot
recognise human faces?

No, I don't think
they have the cognitive power.

Oh, don't you start. They can't even
recognise their own reflections.

Are you two winding me up?
I'm going to google it.

No-one is googling my joke.

Mmm, lovely cuppa.
I really fancy a fag.

Oh, sorry, Joyce, you'd
have to go outside, I'm afraid.

When my mum ran this place,
you could barely breathe.

You couldn't see the walls
for smoke.

Happy days.
Yeah, times change, eh?

Back then, when you had a cigarette
after sex,

it was the sex that was sinful.

By the way, you seem to have stopped
doing that face thing. Have I?

Yeah, ever since we had that chat
when we were fishing.

Yeah, perhaps we should make that
a regular thing. No, no, thank you.

Well, maybe we can go for walks
and chat.

It's always good to talk about
your problems.

Is it? So when someone's powerless
and therefore feeling powerless,

it's good for them to keep talking
about how powerless they feel?

Y... Yeah... Yes? I think?

I know you mean well,
but you can tell Prince William

that sometimes,
talking doesn't really help.

And if my facial mannerism has gone,
it is down purely

to my personal resources
and strength of will.

That is how I defeated it.

You just...
What? Nothing.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Good morning, all.

Hasn't God blessed us
with a glorious day?

It's all right.

Did you consider my offer?

Yes, I did.
And I applaud the Christian spirit

with which you made
that very kind offer.

Please, it was...
But, I'm afraid, I must decline.

Decline? Why? Because there are
others in far greater need

of your generosity than I.

Like Koji.
Koji?

Yes, giving Koji your money

could help him win his asylum case
and stay here.

I mean, that would be a very
Christian thing to do, wouldn't it?

Well, I, erm...

And God did bless you
with the gift of money.

Well, yes, but I-I-I'm not sure that
that would be the appropriate use

of... of that money.

And there she is.
At last, the real Lavinia Bone.

Your offer had nothing to do
with God. It was to do with power.

You won't succeed in provoking me,
Kate, because God will keep me calm.

Oh, I dare say, you had a moment

when your hubby conked out
on that plane, maybe.

But soon, you realised
it gave you one more way

to look down on everybody else
from up there on Mount Smug.

This saddens me.

Turning your back on me...

..is turning your back
on God's love, and that offends him.

Well, I can't help it
if God's a snowflake.

Kate, it pains me to think of you
going to Hell.

I mean, I can't bear to picture
you roasting in all those flames,

your hair on fire, forever,

in Hell, screaming, on fire.

Well, if I'm gonna cook in Hell,

there's gonna be an entire grill pan
set aside for you.

Or should that be "lavvy pan"?

I'm not going to Hell.
You are, you stupid bitch!

Oh, actually, I've changed my mind.
I would like that money.

I wouldn't give you
the snot off my hankie,

you vulgar, stinking peasant!

OK, so she hasn't changed.

Now, those of you who want to say,
"Kate, as always, you were right,"

please form a queue.

Your toilet
continues to be a problem.

Oh, another man
who can't get it to flush!

No, I got it to flush,
but now it won't stop.

I think the problem is the handle.

Oh, I'll take a look at it.

Here it is.

Has Councillor Bone gone?

Yeah. Er, she refused to give you
a couple of thousand pounds,

consigned Kate to the flames of Hell
and then left.

Damn. I always miss the fun bits.

I take it that the feud continues.

Yep. What did start it all?
Come on, Auntie, you can tell us.

All right. I'll tell you.

I was seven years old...

..and I was cast as Mary
in the Christmas nativity play.

Only jealous little Lavinia thought
she should be Mary, didn't she?

So she sabotaged me.

Come the big night,
I lifted Baby Jesus out of the crib,

and the swaddling clothes
were crawling with slugs.

What did you do?

She threw the Baby Jesus
out into the audience.

Our Saviour hit the janitor
in the face.

And then I was sick.

Extremely sick,
all over the Wise Men.

They looked like
they'd been pebble-dashed.

And then I was sick on Joseph.

Then the shepherds. The donkey...

..and the Deputy Mayor.

I was seven years old,

and I was totally humiliated
in front of hundreds of people.

So that's why this feud started,

because of what that woman
did to me.

Actually, that wasn't her.

Eh?
Yeah, no. The slugs in the crib?

That was Hetty Pringle.

No, no, it was Lavinia.
No, no.

The slugs were classic Hetty.
Well, she boasted about it.

Did you not know that?

Oh, this is priceless.

You mean to say
you've spent almost your entire life

at war with that woman,
for 65 years,

in revenge for something
that she didn't actually do.

Well, it's the sort of thing
she woulda done.