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Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
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The wedding is in two weeks!
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I want to become...
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A priest?!
5
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Josh is leaving me
6
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to become
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a priest?
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I'm gonna mail him my poop.
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But tell him it's cupcakes.
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00:00:14,766 --> 00:00:17,029
We are all here to
help you take down Josh,
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but we are not gonna help you
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00:00:18,880 --> 00:00:21,380
take down yourself at the same time.
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- What are you doing here?
- Oh, I was just, uh,
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I was just running by, and, um...
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You are understandably
obsessed with me.
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No.
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Sue him. Suing Josh,
18
00:00:29,390 --> 00:00:30,690
that's actually a
really interesting idea.
19
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There is tons of case law
that justifies suing him
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on behalf of Rebecca.
21
00:00:34,638 --> 00:00:35,546
It's perfect!
22
00:00:35,571 --> 00:00:38,205
This révenge will actually
make you feel better.
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I know it.
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_
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♪ Crazy's when I go off the rails ♪
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00:00:46,016 --> 00:00:49,484
♪ This is what you've done to me ♪
27
00:00:49,509 --> 00:00:51,977
♪ Crazy's how your
loving makes me feel ♪
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00:00:52,002 --> 00:00:55,236
♪ This is what I always want to be ♪
29
00:00:55,261 --> 00:00:58,329
♪ I like it when a
girl gets crazy in bed ♪
30
00:00:58,354 --> 00:01:01,571
♪ Don't mess with a bitch
who's crazy in the head ♪
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- ♪ You do ♪
- ♪ You don't ♪
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♪ Want to be crazy ♪
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- ♪ And you don't ♪
- ♪ You do ♪
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♪ Want to be crazy ♪
35
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♪ To clarify, yes, no on the crazy ♪
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♪ We hope this helps. ♪
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What?
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-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --
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Oh, I am so excited!
40
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Suing Josh Chan is the best
thing we have ever done.
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Ah, doesn't it feel
great to do something
42
00:01:30,699 --> 00:01:32,165
rational and effective?
43
00:01:32,167 --> 00:01:33,734
I mean, can you believe
your first revenge idea
44
00:01:33,736 --> 00:01:37,271
was to mail Josh poop
in plastic containers?
45
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- Yeah.
- Yeah, wow.
46
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That was a silly thing that
I definitely did not do.
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Josh is about to get
what's coming to him.
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- Not poop.
- Not poop!
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Anything but poop.
50
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Definitely not poop.
Anything but poop.
51
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- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Oh, he's such a loser, anyway.
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I mean, what a fool.
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I would've loved to have been
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a cross on the wall at that seminary
when he showed up there, right?
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- Err!
- Eh!
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Where's Jesus? Duh!
57
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Can I still have sex and be a priest?
58
00:02:02,586 --> 00:02:04,019
- No.
- No, you can't.
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00:02:04,044 --> 00:02:06,694
That's what being a priest is.
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00:02:06,718 --> 00:02:08,983
_
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Dope church.
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Make yourself at home.
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Father Rodrigo will be right with you.
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Oh, I thought you were Father Rodrigo.
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Oh, no, no, no, I'm
just the door priest.
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Huh. Well, I can't wait
to start over, Door Father.
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Let's just say there were a
few things going on in my life
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that I feel a little guilty about.
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Like a wedding I was
supposed to go to and didn't.
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But I don't have to feel
that way anymore, because...
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I'm going to be a priest and
priests have no guilt, right?
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Door Father?
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00:02:52,655 --> 00:02:54,088
Hmm.
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00:02:59,643 --> 00:03:04,414
♪ I've got my head in the clouds ♪
75
00:03:04,416 --> 00:03:06,349
♪ 'Cause that's where Heaven is ♪
76
00:03:06,351 --> 00:03:10,749
♪ No longer stuck in
the muck on the ground ♪
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♪ I figured out how to live ♪
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00:03:13,458 --> 00:03:17,491
♪ It's with my head in the clouds ♪
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♪ Got no cares anymore ♪
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♪ No obligations ♪
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♪ Are holding me down ♪
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♪ That's what religion is for ♪
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Anything you want to confess, my son?
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Not anymore, priest me.
85
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♪ Reality was getting
so complicated ♪
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♪ All the drama was getting insane ♪
87
00:03:42,971 --> 00:03:46,557
♪ But now I've given my
life to Mr. Jesus Christ ♪
88
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♪ So I'm speeding
down the carpool lane ♪
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00:03:48,827 --> 00:03:50,460
♪ God's my E-Z Pass ♪
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00:03:53,931 --> 00:03:58,568
♪ I've got my head in the clouds ♪
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♪ Blessed with a permanent smile ♪
92
00:04:02,306 --> 00:04:04,073
♪ I feel just like ♪
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00:04:04,075 --> 00:04:06,876
♪ Little baby Moses ♪
94
00:04:06,878 --> 00:04:09,946
♪ On the day he was
found on de-Nile ♪
95
00:04:10,026 --> 00:04:12,860
♪ It is just a river in Egypt ♪
96
00:04:16,035 --> 00:04:19,371
♪ I was almost toast, but
now I got the Holy Ghost ♪
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Pew!
98
00:04:22,727 --> 00:04:24,360
Did someone say "Holy Ghost"?
99
00:04:24,362 --> 00:04:26,496
Whoa, that's what you look like?
100
00:04:26,498 --> 00:04:28,097
This is what you think I look like.
101
00:04:28,099 --> 00:04:29,165
Now let's dance.
102
00:04:29,167 --> 00:04:30,600
Yeah!
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Off to lunch with Casper.
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00:04:43,748 --> 00:04:46,082
♪ My puzzle is solved ♪
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♪ 'Cause I'm absolved ♪
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♪ My life will be splendid ♪
107
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♪ Now that I've transcended ♪
108
00:04:51,323 --> 00:04:52,689
♪ When things get scary ♪
109
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♪ Just say ten Hail Marys ♪
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♪ I'm Turin off my shroud ♪
111
00:04:58,730 --> 00:05:03,866
♪ With my head in the clouds. ♪
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00:05:07,543 --> 00:05:08,744
My son?
113
00:05:09,835 --> 00:05:11,374
How can I help you?
114
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Oh, Father Rodrigo.
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I am so honored to meet you.
116
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Father, I have come
here to this holy place
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to join my brethren and
walk the halls of divinity
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as God shines his light on me.
119
00:05:25,015 --> 00:05:27,133
- Oh, boy, we got a Maria here.
- What?
120
00:05:27,936 --> 00:05:31,628
Son, have you been considering
the priesthood for a long time?
121
00:05:31,630 --> 00:05:34,631
Oh, yeah. The whole drive
up here from Malibu today.
122
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And there was a Sig Alert.
123
00:05:39,874 --> 00:05:43,940
Well... I hope you understand,
it's a big commitment.
124
00:05:43,942 --> 00:05:44,841
A typical priest's training
125
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takes four to six years and involves
126
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getting a master's degree in divinity.
127
00:05:48,997 --> 00:05:51,489
And you'll have to take
a pre-theology class.
128
00:05:51,911 --> 00:05:54,817
Oh, yeah, I knew that.
129
00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:57,520
"Erry-one" knows that.
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It's in the damn Bible.
131
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Oh, sorry.
132
00:06:00,992 --> 00:06:04,027
- Look, if you haven't really
- thought this through,
133
00:06:04,029 --> 00:06:06,462
or you're just trying
to avoid responsibility
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00:06:06,464 --> 00:06:08,141
for something you've done,
135
00:06:08,453 --> 00:06:09,599
you can go home.
136
00:06:09,601 --> 00:06:10,922
What?
137
00:06:10,947 --> 00:06:14,110
I-I'm not trying to avoid
responsibility for anything.
138
00:06:14,336 --> 00:06:16,169
I'm just here to go to priest school.
139
00:06:16,374 --> 00:06:17,340
Preschool?
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00:06:17,342 --> 00:06:18,741
Priest school.
141
00:06:18,743 --> 00:06:19,848
Ah, oh, yes, yeah.
142
00:06:20,412 --> 00:06:22,677
Yeah, we don't use that
term for that exact reason.
143
00:06:24,181 --> 00:06:25,448
Oh, I wish I could see
144
00:06:25,450 --> 00:06:27,250
the look on his face in 12 to 15 months
145
00:06:27,252 --> 00:06:30,920
when a judge hits him
with a $600-to-$800 fine.
146
00:06:30,922 --> 00:06:32,422
Wait,
$600-to-$800?
147
00:06:33,190 --> 00:06:34,457
That's like a pair of shoes.
148
00:06:34,459 --> 00:06:35,892
Maybe for you, bitch.
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00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:38,494
- Paula?
- Yes?
150
00:06:38,496 --> 00:06:41,464
Can we take a quick time-out for
some nonjudgmental truth time?
151
00:06:41,466 --> 00:06:43,966
- Always.
- I just don't know about this, okay?
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You're working so hard,
153
00:06:45,603 --> 00:06:47,937
and the case is super, super clever,
154
00:06:47,939 --> 00:06:50,106
but... I'm just not satisfied.
155
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I-I want to do something big
156
00:06:51,776 --> 00:06:54,677
and now. And-and,
like, suing Josh just...
157
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It feels...
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Okay. You know when you eat a
whole bag of iced ginger snaps,
159
00:06:59,484 --> 00:07:01,250
but then you're like, "What?
There's still a hole inside me,"
160
00:07:01,252 --> 00:07:03,052
so then you move on to shoplifting,
161
00:07:03,054 --> 00:07:04,754
and the next thing you
know, you're in your dorm,
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00:07:04,756 --> 00:07:06,856
surrounded by unitards and fuzzy
pillows from Urban Outfitters
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00:07:06,858 --> 00:07:08,391
and the hole's still there?
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It feels like that.
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00:07:09,461 --> 00:07:11,728
That's why you have so many unitards?
166
00:07:11,730 --> 00:07:13,629
I was more of a lipstick
and Sambuca shoplifter myself
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00:07:13,631 --> 00:07:14,530
back in the day.
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00:07:14,532 --> 00:07:15,531
- Interesting.
- Yeah.
169
00:07:15,533 --> 00:07:16,899
Okay, so, Paula,
170
00:07:16,901 --> 00:07:20,136
instead of this, can we
do something, like, savage
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and brutal and primal? Right? Please?
172
00:07:23,508 --> 00:07:24,173
No.
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00:07:24,175 --> 00:07:25,408
- What?
- No way.
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00:07:25,410 --> 00:07:27,710
Rebecca, we have found the perfect
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00:07:27,712 --> 00:07:31,147
legal, ethical and public
way to get back at Josh.
176
00:07:31,149 --> 00:07:33,950
I mean, we actually
have the high ground.
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00:07:33,952 --> 00:07:35,351
We never have the high ground.
178
00:07:35,353 --> 00:07:36,385
No, it's true.
179
00:07:36,387 --> 00:07:38,154
And you know I am down
for a nefarious plan
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00:07:38,156 --> 00:07:39,288
as much as the next gal,
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00:07:39,290 --> 00:07:42,492
but this plan is legit,
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and you won't get in trouble.
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00:07:45,355 --> 00:07:46,996
So this case is the way to go.
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00:07:46,998 --> 00:07:50,466
I promise you. This is a good thing.
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00:07:50,468 --> 00:07:55,560
But I want a bad thing.
186
00:07:55,585 --> 00:07:57,473
This is bad. This is really bad.
187
00:07:57,475 --> 00:07:59,275
What the hell is wrong with me?
188
00:07:59,277 --> 00:08:01,144
I can't believe I showed
up to Rebecca's house
189
00:08:01,146 --> 00:08:04,981
with a stupid excuse, visibly
aroused in my running shorts.
190
00:08:05,816 --> 00:08:07,216
She got to me.
191
00:08:07,218 --> 00:08:09,385
Rebecca Bunch got to me.
192
00:08:09,387 --> 00:08:12,121
With her, "Blah, blah,
I'm sad and vulnerable."
193
00:08:12,123 --> 00:08:14,087
And then her now, "Blah, blah, blah,
194
00:08:14,112 --> 00:08:16,559
now I'm all hot and tough
with budding triceps."
195
00:08:16,561 --> 00:08:19,262
What, is she doing dips all of a sudden?
196
00:08:19,264 --> 00:08:21,864
I fall for every stupid
thing that she does.
197
00:08:21,866 --> 00:08:23,766
Honestly, I can't believe
I'm letting you down,
198
00:08:23,768 --> 00:08:26,002
the person that matters most to me.
199
00:08:27,805 --> 00:08:29,839
But don't worry, Captain,
200
00:08:29,974 --> 00:08:31,799
I'm shaking it off.
201
00:08:32,370 --> 00:08:34,642
Old Nathaniel's coming back.
202
00:08:35,079 --> 00:08:37,752
Ice-cold, in control.
203
00:08:38,416 --> 00:08:40,064
A real man.
204
00:08:43,420 --> 00:08:47,498
Guys! My avocado tree has
gone certifiably insane.
205
00:08:47,523 --> 00:08:48,658
Help yourselves.
206
00:08:48,660 --> 00:08:50,226
Guac o'clock, people.
207
00:08:50,913 --> 00:08:53,329
Hey, Maya, catching up
on all the best ways
208
00:08:53,331 --> 00:08:55,398
to get a peach-shaped booty?
209
00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:58,467
No, because I love myself, and
I don't purchase any periodicals
210
00:08:58,469 --> 00:09:00,036
which engage in body-shaming.
211
00:09:00,038 --> 00:09:01,704
By the way, young adult
women's periodicals
212
00:09:01,706 --> 00:09:05,074
are doing some of the most
relevant and honest reporting
213
00:09:05,076 --> 00:09:06,409
out there right now.
214
00:09:06,411 --> 00:09:08,845
- Oh, yeah, I'm sure.
- It's true.
215
00:09:08,847 --> 00:09:11,080
Look at this study about the orgasm gap.
216
00:09:11,082 --> 00:09:14,016
Did you know that studies
show women only orgasm
217
00:09:14,018 --> 00:09:16,118
39% of the time during sex,
218
00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:18,454
while men finish 91% of the time?
219
00:09:18,456 --> 00:09:19,655
That doesn't even make sense.
220
00:09:19,657 --> 00:09:22,326
People are orgasming 130% of the time?
221
00:09:23,561 --> 00:09:24,716
Uh, check your math.
222
00:09:24,741 --> 00:09:25,962
And you check your privilege.
223
00:09:25,964 --> 00:09:27,597
As a woman, I can tell you these studies
224
00:09:27,599 --> 00:09:29,398
are completely based in reality.
225
00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:30,833
Not my reality.
226
00:09:30,835 --> 00:09:32,134
I'm a king in the boudoir.
227
00:09:32,136 --> 00:09:35,537
Every woman I've ever had
sex with has obviously orgasmed...
228
00:09:35,562 --> 00:09:37,039
every time.
229
00:09:37,041 --> 00:09:38,441
Especially my wife.
230
00:09:38,443 --> 00:09:40,251
And you know that because?
231
00:09:40,276 --> 00:09:42,612
Because, when we're having
sex in our favorite position,
232
00:09:42,614 --> 00:09:44,280
I'm on top, going a mile a minute,
233
00:09:44,282 --> 00:09:45,715
we always gloriously finish
234
00:09:45,717 --> 00:09:49,008
at the exact same time, every time.
235
00:09:49,305 --> 00:09:52,555
Tim, you have never given
your wife an orgasm, ever,
236
00:09:52,557 --> 00:09:54,257
not even once.
237
00:09:58,228 --> 00:09:59,262
Hey, Tim,
238
00:09:59,264 --> 00:10:00,696
you ever have someone in your life
239
00:10:00,698 --> 00:10:02,098
who's trying so hard to please you,
240
00:10:02,100 --> 00:10:03,933
but they're just doing it wrong?
241
00:10:03,935 --> 00:10:06,135
And so you pretend to like
it 'cause you care about them,
242
00:10:06,137 --> 00:10:07,703
you really do, but, I don't know,
243
00:10:07,705 --> 00:10:09,939
you just kind of have
to fake being satisfied?
244
00:10:10,540 --> 00:10:13,643
What is happening? What have you heard?
Did you talk to my wife?
245
00:10:13,645 --> 00:10:15,244
What? You're being so weird.
246
00:10:15,246 --> 00:10:16,579
Okay, what's this meeting about anyway?
247
00:10:16,581 --> 00:10:18,826
Oh, my God, I'm not in the
mood for Nathaniel right now.
248
00:10:18,851 --> 00:10:21,017
He's been so doe-eyed
and feelingsy lately.
249
00:10:21,019 --> 00:10:22,318
He's like a woman or something.
250
00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:23,586
Shut up, stop talking.
251
00:10:23,588 --> 00:10:24,620
Here's the deal, losers -
252
00:10:24,622 --> 00:10:26,022
you know that place on East Cameron?
253
00:10:26,024 --> 00:10:27,990
The family Korean barbecue mom-pop?
254
00:10:27,992 --> 00:10:29,225
It's been there for 30 years?
255
00:10:29,227 --> 00:10:31,160
Oh, yeah, Chae Won's
BBQ? I love that place.
256
00:10:31,162 --> 00:10:32,461
Chae Won is so nice.
257
00:10:32,463 --> 00:10:34,030
He always gives me extra kimchi,
258
00:10:34,032 --> 00:10:36,632
and his adorable grandmother's
in the back making tofu soup...
259
00:10:36,634 --> 00:10:37,867
He's about to be obliterated.
260
00:10:37,869 --> 00:10:39,936
The Ivywood Mall Corp, who we represent,
261
00:10:39,938 --> 00:10:41,470
needs the lot that Chae Won is on.
262
00:10:41,472 --> 00:10:42,838
So we're gonna get that place shut down,
263
00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:44,006
and we're gonna get it demolished,
264
00:10:44,008 --> 00:10:45,274
so that our client can build
265
00:10:45,276 --> 00:10:47,209
their discount wicker
lacquered napkin ring,
266
00:10:47,211 --> 00:10:49,312
capiz shell chandelier palace.
267
00:10:49,314 --> 00:10:51,781
Nathaniel, we can't do
that. I mean, Chae Won...
268
00:10:51,783 --> 00:10:54,483
Is a loser who doesn't pay our bills.
269
00:10:57,019 --> 00:10:59,155
- George, what are you doing here?
- Oh, I hired him back.
270
00:10:59,157 --> 00:11:01,123
I need a flunky to work
full-time on assassinating
271
00:11:01,125 --> 00:11:02,925
the character of this Chae Won fella.
272
00:11:02,927 --> 00:11:04,360
George, any dirt yet?
273
00:11:04,362 --> 00:11:06,329
Uh, no. N-No dirt on Chae Won yet.
274
00:11:06,331 --> 00:11:07,697
Um...
275
00:11:07,699 --> 00:11:09,899
Ooh, except for the dirt
that he digs up every weekend
276
00:11:09,901 --> 00:11:11,634
at the community
garden for the homeless.
277
00:11:11,636 --> 00:11:13,669
- Awww.
- I know, right?
278
00:11:13,671 --> 00:11:15,204
- Oh, come on.
- Sorry.
279
00:11:15,206 --> 00:11:16,605
This guy grows a hobo a salad
280
00:11:16,607 --> 00:11:19,041
and you think he's
exempt from capitalism?
281
00:11:19,043 --> 00:11:20,142
What is wrong with Tim?
282
00:11:20,144 --> 00:11:21,510
I don't...
283
00:11:21,512 --> 00:11:23,105
Wake up, Tim!
284
00:11:23,681 --> 00:11:26,382
I told you what to do, now do it. Okay?
285
00:11:26,384 --> 00:11:27,683
I got to go.
286
00:11:27,685 --> 00:11:29,018
My neighbor's dog is barking all night.
287
00:11:29,020 --> 00:11:30,486
I'm gonna take that
little bitch to the vet
288
00:11:30,488 --> 00:11:32,391
and get its vocal cords ripped out.
289
00:11:34,414 --> 00:11:36,078
He's so awful.
290
00:11:36,103 --> 00:11:38,361
Oh, yeah, yeah, no,
he's-he's-he's terrible.
291
00:11:38,363 --> 00:11:40,695
He's awful. He's bad.
292
00:11:48,706 --> 00:11:49,939
What are you doing here?
293
00:11:49,941 --> 00:11:51,240
How do you know where I live?
294
00:11:51,242 --> 00:11:52,775
I have my ways.
295
00:11:53,443 --> 00:11:54,844
Company directory.
296
00:11:54,846 --> 00:11:56,278
Hmm. What do you want?
297
00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:58,481
I want your hard,
throbbing ruthlessness.
298
00:11:58,483 --> 00:12:00,016
And I want it bad.
299
00:12:00,018 --> 00:12:01,217
Who talks like that?
300
00:12:01,219 --> 00:12:02,485
Shut up. Listen to me.
301
00:12:02,487 --> 00:12:03,753
I need you.
302
00:12:03,755 --> 00:12:06,389
Because you are the worst
person I've ever met.
303
00:12:06,391 --> 00:12:09,025
Clearly you didn't summer
in the Hamptons.
304
00:12:09,027 --> 00:12:10,393
Ha, ha, ha. But seriously.
305
00:12:10,395 --> 00:12:12,628
You're an amoral sociopath
with no conscience,
306
00:12:12,630 --> 00:12:14,630
and I need someone to help me
307
00:12:14,632 --> 00:12:17,600
destroy Josh Chan,
who is an evil genius,
308
00:12:17,602 --> 00:12:19,635
a monster, a dead-eyed fiend.
309
00:12:19,637 --> 00:12:20,736
You, so...
310
00:12:20,738 --> 00:12:22,338
what do you say?
311
00:12:22,340 --> 00:12:25,198
I say get out of my apartment.
312
00:12:30,526 --> 00:12:32,963
Rebecca, I'm not getting
pulled into your drama,
313
00:12:32,988 --> 00:12:34,229
no matter what you say.
314
00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:36,104
No, no, no. Listen. You
really don't understand.
315
00:12:36,178 --> 00:12:38,278
Okay, I-I seriously need you.
316
00:12:38,303 --> 00:12:40,270
I've been trying to come
up with evil schemes,
317
00:12:40,295 --> 00:12:41,813
but they just come up,
like, lame and childish.
318
00:12:41,838 --> 00:12:42,940
Of course they do.
319
00:12:42,965 --> 00:12:45,299
Why do you think I hired
George to get rid of Chae Won?
320
00:12:45,389 --> 00:12:48,590
Huh? Because you have the
heart of a weak, dying kitten.
321
00:12:48,592 --> 00:12:49,725
Exactly, that's what's
getting in my way,
322
00:12:49,727 --> 00:12:51,739
and that is why I need you.
323
00:12:51,764 --> 00:12:52,943
Listen.
324
00:12:52,968 --> 00:12:54,268
Nathaniel.
325
00:12:54,669 --> 00:12:56,164
I know you want me.
326
00:12:56,739 --> 00:12:58,560
And I've been making you wait for it.
327
00:12:59,436 --> 00:13:00,869
But not anymore.
328
00:13:00,871 --> 00:13:02,489
- I said you need to...
- Shh, shh, shh, shh.
329
00:13:02,514 --> 00:13:04,573
Just listen. Okay?
330
00:13:04,575 --> 00:13:06,508
Hear me out.
331
00:13:13,516 --> 00:13:15,684
♪ My whole life ♪
332
00:13:16,653 --> 00:13:21,323
- ♪ I've wanted to be bad ♪
- ♪ To be bad, to be bad, to be bad ♪
333
00:13:21,325 --> 00:13:23,191
♪ But whenever I tried ♪
334
00:13:24,093 --> 00:13:25,861
♪ The result was always sad ♪
335
00:13:25,863 --> 00:13:28,864
♪ So sad, so pathetic,
weak and sad ♪
336
00:13:28,866 --> 00:13:30,265
♪ However, now I know ♪
337
00:13:30,267 --> 00:13:32,267
♪ A certain beau ♪
338
00:13:32,269 --> 00:13:35,237
♪ Who doesn't worry 'bout
what's decent or right ♪
339
00:13:35,239 --> 00:13:36,405
♪ That's you... ♪
340
00:13:36,407 --> 00:13:37,806
Yeah, I got that.
341
00:13:37,808 --> 00:13:40,609
♪ So how 'bout now,
you teach me how ♪
342
00:13:40,611 --> 00:13:44,646
♪ To be ruthless and cruel,
yeah, I'm ready tonight ♪
343
00:13:44,648 --> 00:13:46,515
♪ So strip away my conscience ♪
344
00:13:46,517 --> 00:13:48,350
♪ Peel away my values ♪
345
00:13:48,352 --> 00:13:51,720
♪ Rip off my compassion
with your teeth ♪
346
00:13:52,889 --> 00:13:54,256
♪ Pound away my morals ♪
347
00:13:54,258 --> 00:13:56,291
♪ Spank off all my kindness, ooh! ♪
348
00:13:56,293 --> 00:13:59,027
♪ Expose the dormant
bitch that lies beneath ♪
349
00:13:59,029 --> 00:14:00,362
♪ You devil ♪
350
00:14:00,364 --> 00:14:01,997
♪ Lead me to the dark side ♪
351
00:14:01,999 --> 00:14:03,999
♪ Like a lamb to the slaughter ♪
352
00:14:04,001 --> 00:14:07,502
♪ Then do me in a hot tub filled
with evil 'stead of water ♪
353
00:14:07,504 --> 00:14:10,405
♪ Let's make war, not
love, all night and day ♪
354
00:14:11,774 --> 00:14:13,642
♪ It's hot here in Hell, so ♪
355
00:14:14,510 --> 00:14:16,111
♪ Strip it all away... ♪
356
00:14:16,946 --> 00:14:18,380
Stop hitting yourself.
357
00:14:22,219 --> 00:14:24,853
♪ Yeah, baby, you're
a soul-sucking ♪
358
00:14:24,855 --> 00:14:26,154
♪ Corporate piece of trash ♪
359
00:14:26,179 --> 00:14:27,909
♪ Who only cares ♪
360
00:14:27,934 --> 00:14:30,092
♪ About sex, lies and cash ♪
361
00:14:30,094 --> 00:14:31,326
♪ So tell me 'bout your sins ♪
362
00:14:31,328 --> 00:14:33,595
♪ And shock me with
their luridness ♪
363
00:14:33,597 --> 00:14:36,064
♪ Let me be your
pupil, let me choke ♪
364
00:14:36,066 --> 00:14:38,133
♪ On your cocksuredness ♪
365
00:14:38,135 --> 00:14:39,501
♪ Innuendo ♪
366
00:14:39,503 --> 00:14:41,937
♪ Strip away my conscience ♪
367
00:14:41,939 --> 00:14:43,538
♪ Tear away my Jew guilt ♪
368
00:14:43,540 --> 00:14:46,074
♪ Kiss around my sense
of right and wrong ♪
369
00:14:46,076 --> 00:14:47,476
♪ But not on it, it's sensitive ♪
370
00:14:47,478 --> 00:14:48,877
♪ Baby, it's such foreplay ♪
371
00:14:48,879 --> 00:14:51,380
- ♪ When you slither like a moray ♪
- ♪ Eel! ♪
372
00:14:51,382 --> 00:14:54,116
♪ It's worth the
discomfort of my thong ♪
373
00:14:55,030 --> 00:14:58,420
♪ You're like Professor Snape ♪
♪ In his sad dungeon with his potions ♪
374
00:14:58,422 --> 00:15:00,889
♪ 'Cause somehow you don't
have that sucky thing ♪
375
00:15:00,891 --> 00:15:02,791
♪ Called emotions ♪
376
00:15:02,793 --> 00:15:05,440
♪ 50 shades of morally Grey ♪
377
00:15:06,362 --> 00:15:08,597
♪ And thongs are so
uncomfortable, so ♪
378
00:15:08,599 --> 00:15:12,000
♪ Strip it all away ♪
379
00:15:13,070 --> 00:15:15,370
♪ Strip it all away ♪
380
00:15:16,572 --> 00:15:19,174
♪ Strip it all away ♪
381
00:15:19,976 --> 00:15:24,112
♪ Strip it all away ♪
382
00:15:24,114 --> 00:15:25,847
♪ That was just up my butt. ♪
383
00:15:28,045 --> 00:15:29,590
So, what's your point?
384
00:15:29,615 --> 00:15:32,215
If you help me destroy Josh Chan,
385
00:15:32,769 --> 00:15:35,574
I will let you do
anything you want to me.
386
00:15:35,959 --> 00:15:37,659
And I mean anything.
387
00:15:37,661 --> 00:15:39,327
Yes, that.
388
00:15:39,329 --> 00:15:40,965
That.
389
00:15:41,895 --> 00:15:43,928
You're telling me you
don't want to do that?
390
00:15:48,902 --> 00:15:50,739
It's a challenging program, yes.
391
00:15:50,741 --> 00:15:53,575
But in four to six years,
I'll have my master's,
392
00:15:53,577 --> 00:15:55,777
and then there's the
postgraduate internship,
393
00:15:55,779 --> 00:15:57,946
the Alaskan mission
where I shadow a priest
394
00:15:57,948 --> 00:15:59,581
in a small fishing village.
395
00:15:59,583 --> 00:16:02,784
I'm already taking a super
fun pre-theology class.
396
00:16:03,838 --> 00:16:06,322
I think there's a few months
of silent prayer in there.
397
00:16:06,690 --> 00:16:08,557
Wow.
398
00:16:08,559 --> 00:16:10,018
You hate this.
399
00:16:10,043 --> 00:16:12,237
No, I don't. I don't.
400
00:16:12,262 --> 00:16:13,528
Bro, come on. What are you doing?
401
00:16:13,530 --> 00:16:15,664
Just come home. This is ridiculous.
402
00:16:15,666 --> 00:16:16,865
He's right. This is ridiculous.
403
00:16:16,867 --> 00:16:19,101
So, what? Did you guys
drive all the way up here
404
00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:20,969
just to be, like, all critical?
405
00:16:20,971 --> 00:16:24,039
No. We came up here because
no one has heard from you
406
00:16:24,041 --> 00:16:25,741
since you bailed on your wedding.
407
00:16:25,743 --> 00:16:29,144
Yeah, it's been weeks, and not a
single Instagram Story from you.
408
00:16:29,146 --> 00:16:30,579
It's unprecedented.
409
00:16:30,581 --> 00:16:34,516
You just... Father, Son and
Holy Ghosted your entire life.
410
00:16:34,518 --> 00:16:35,684
That was good.
411
00:16:35,686 --> 00:16:37,219
Yeah, yeah.
412
00:16:37,785 --> 00:16:39,831
Look, I know things must
be rough with Rebecca.
413
00:16:39,856 --> 00:16:41,822
I mean, w-what did she
say when you talked to her?
414
00:16:45,862 --> 00:16:48,530
Oh, you haven't... you
haven't talked to her?
415
00:16:48,532 --> 00:16:50,732
- At all?
- I know. I know!
416
00:16:50,734 --> 00:16:52,367
Ugh! It's so bad.
417
00:16:52,369 --> 00:16:54,312
Okay, I've had an apology e-mail
to her in my drafts for weeks.
418
00:16:54,337 --> 00:16:55,781
- Oh. No, no, no.
- No, no, no.
419
00:16:55,806 --> 00:16:56,739
No, I swear, I swear.
420
00:16:56,740 --> 00:16:58,173
- Come on.
- But what do I say?
421
00:16:58,175 --> 00:16:59,975
"Sorry for bailing on you
because I'm not even sure
422
00:16:59,977 --> 00:17:01,266
we know each other well enough"?
423
00:17:01,291 --> 00:17:03,378
Uh, yeah. Exactly that,
except not in an e-mail.
424
00:17:03,380 --> 00:17:05,247
What matters here is that you
have to have that conversation
425
00:17:05,249 --> 00:17:06,915
with her
face-to-face.
426
00:17:06,917 --> 00:17:09,017
Seriously. I mean, are you
really gonna become a priest
427
00:17:09,019 --> 00:17:11,570
just because you don't want to
have an awkward conversation?
428
00:17:11,595 --> 00:17:15,857
No. I-I'm becoming a priest
because I'm a good person
429
00:17:15,859 --> 00:17:18,693
who thrives in an academic setting.
430
00:17:18,867 --> 00:17:19,937
Josh.
431
00:17:19,962 --> 00:17:22,407
And because I want to stay here.
432
00:17:22,706 --> 00:17:24,390
I like it here a lot.
433
00:17:25,599 --> 00:17:27,633
I think I'll major in Christmas.
434
00:17:27,838 --> 00:17:29,371
- Hmm.
- Mmm.
435
00:17:29,373 --> 00:17:30,739
Okay, Tim.
436
00:17:30,741 --> 00:17:32,941
- We're gonna go over this again.
- Oh, my God...
437
00:17:32,966 --> 00:17:36,160
This is the area that you
need to pay attention to.
438
00:17:36,185 --> 00:17:38,146
I know what that part is,
439
00:17:38,148 --> 00:17:40,382
but that's not actually
the important part.
440
00:17:40,384 --> 00:17:43,585
The important part isn't
even on your stupid diagram.
441
00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:46,188
You guys know what I'm talking about.
442
00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:49,257
It's not on the outside,
it's on the inside.
443
00:17:50,259 --> 00:17:52,194
The G-spot, guys.
444
00:17:52,196 --> 00:17:54,029
The G-spot. You just go in,
445
00:17:54,031 --> 00:17:56,097
in, in, in,
446
00:17:56,099 --> 00:17:58,699
up, up, up, and then back, back, back.
447
00:17:58,724 --> 00:18:01,175
That's the spot. That
does it every time.
448
00:18:01,847 --> 00:18:03,371
Oh, co... okay. All right.
449
00:18:03,373 --> 00:18:04,806
I know what you guys are trying to do.
450
00:18:04,808 --> 00:18:06,174
You guys are trying
to shake my confidence.
451
00:18:06,176 --> 00:18:08,076
You know what? I'll admit,
452
00:18:08,078 --> 00:18:10,645
it almost worked. Yesterday,
you had me a little rattled,
453
00:18:10,647 --> 00:18:14,883
but then, I went home and
I had marital relations,
454
00:18:15,001 --> 00:18:18,987
and my wife was very satisfied
by my foolproof method,
455
00:18:18,989 --> 00:18:21,289
which, again, is... in, in, in...
456
00:18:21,291 --> 00:18:22,357
- Tim.
- Uh... what?
457
00:18:22,359 --> 00:18:23,859
Look at this scientific study.
458
00:18:23,861 --> 00:18:26,194
70 to 80% of women
459
00:18:26,196 --> 00:18:30,165
only achieve orgasm from direct
stimulation of the clitoris.
460
00:18:30,167 --> 00:18:32,267
It's the anatomical source
461
00:18:32,269 --> 00:18:34,135
of basically all female pleasure.
462
00:18:34,137 --> 00:18:35,904
It has 8,000 nerve endings.
463
00:18:35,906 --> 00:18:37,406
A penis only has 4,000.
464
00:18:37,431 --> 00:18:39,708
Guys, my wife is satisfied.
465
00:18:39,710 --> 00:18:42,377
After we make love, she is very happy.
466
00:18:42,379 --> 00:18:44,613
She pops right up, she
goes into the bathroom,
467
00:18:44,615 --> 00:18:45,780
she brushes her teeth...
468
00:18:45,782 --> 00:18:47,148
- Brushes her teeth?
- Yes.
469
00:18:47,150 --> 00:18:49,484
I can hear the buzzing sound
of her electric toothbrush.
470
00:18:49,486 --> 00:18:51,114
She really loves that thing.
471
00:18:51,139 --> 00:18:54,055
You can hear her moaning when
she gets a good patch of plaque.
472
00:18:54,057 --> 00:18:56,524
Then a lot of moaning
right towards the very end,
473
00:18:56,526 --> 00:18:58,200
and then she switches it off,
474
00:18:58,225 --> 00:19:00,562
and walks back in, all
happy and glowing...
475
00:19:00,564 --> 00:19:02,497
Sounds like quite the toothbrush.
476
00:19:02,499 --> 00:19:04,232
Sounds like a vibrator.
477
00:19:07,236 --> 00:19:08,603
Oh, my God.
478
00:19:17,992 --> 00:19:20,293
Hey, George, do you
know where Nathaniel is?
479
00:19:20,295 --> 00:19:21,597
Uh, no. No, he hasn't
480
00:19:21,622 --> 00:19:22,857
come in. I have to go though.
481
00:19:22,882 --> 00:19:25,804
I have to go plant dead rats
in Chae Won's kitchen
482
00:19:25,829 --> 00:19:27,898
while he's out describing
paintings to the blind.
483
00:19:27,930 --> 00:19:30,564
- Oh, my God, he's the best.
- He really is.
484
00:19:30,566 --> 00:19:32,285
God, it's so weird that
Nathaniel's not here.
485
00:19:32,310 --> 00:19:34,201
I mean, I made him a
proposal on a very enticing
486
00:19:34,203 --> 00:19:35,702
piece of business. I mean,
487
00:19:35,704 --> 00:19:37,638
it's a really enticing
piece of business.
488
00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:38,939
It's smoking, if you ask me.
489
00:19:38,941 --> 00:19:40,073
It's been doing tricep dips.
490
00:19:40,075 --> 00:19:42,609
Anyway, he hasn't gotten back to me.
491
00:19:43,793 --> 00:19:45,312
I don't know what you're saying.
492
00:19:45,314 --> 00:19:46,547
That's fair.
493
00:19:46,549 --> 00:19:48,515
I'm sorr...
494
00:19:59,294 --> 00:20:00,895
For moi?
495
00:20:01,630 --> 00:20:03,397
Okay.
496
00:20:04,699 --> 00:20:06,130
What?
497
00:20:08,982 --> 00:20:10,337
_
498
00:20:10,339 --> 00:20:12,076
Yes.
499
00:20:13,019 --> 00:20:14,852
Oh, my God.
500
00:20:14,877 --> 00:20:16,310
"Proposal accepted.
501
00:20:16,312 --> 00:20:18,645
Meet me tomorrow night on the noof."
502
00:20:18,647 --> 00:20:19,980
The "noof"?
503
00:20:19,982 --> 00:20:21,148
The "roof."
504
00:20:21,150 --> 00:20:23,951
God, calligraphy is so confusing.
505
00:20:25,087 --> 00:20:28,021
What are you?
506
00:20:30,092 --> 00:20:31,725
Mm.
507
00:20:31,727 --> 00:20:33,727
Whoa.
508
00:20:35,063 --> 00:20:38,265
Ah...
509
00:20:42,071 --> 00:20:43,604
Ooh.
510
00:20:43,606 --> 00:20:46,006
Oh, my God.
511
00:20:46,008 --> 00:20:48,075
Mm, very sexy.
512
00:20:48,077 --> 00:20:52,317
Why is everyone in this office
always talking about sex?
513
00:21:12,533 --> 00:21:15,102
Wow, you look go...
514
00:21:15,104 --> 00:21:16,980
wait a minute, where's
the dress I bought you?
515
00:21:17,005 --> 00:21:20,107
Oh, right, yes. I donated that to the
West Covina Middle School
516
00:21:20,109 --> 00:21:22,476
Drama Department because
only a 13-year-old girl
517
00:21:22,478 --> 00:21:23,644
could fit into it.
518
00:21:23,646 --> 00:21:27,064
Well, you do have an
unconventional body type.
519
00:21:27,089 --> 00:21:28,849
Yeah, also, we're not even gonna discuss
520
00:21:28,851 --> 00:21:29,917
the lingerie you gave me.
521
00:21:29,919 --> 00:21:32,119
Uh, the bra was like
two delicate tissues
522
00:21:32,121 --> 00:21:33,420
held together with floss
523
00:21:33,422 --> 00:21:36,556
and the panties sliced my
muffin top into a hamburger bun.
524
00:21:36,558 --> 00:21:38,278
Wow. A lot of feedback here.
525
00:21:38,567 --> 00:21:39,726
Sorry, I'll be sexy again.
526
00:21:39,728 --> 00:21:41,628
Anyway, um, so where are
we going? What's the plan?
527
00:21:41,630 --> 00:21:44,700
Well, I will tell you when we get there.
528
00:21:44,725 --> 00:21:47,395
Oh, good. I love secrets.
529
00:21:47,836 --> 00:21:51,171
Hey, um, why did you change your mind?
530
00:21:53,074 --> 00:21:55,509
The sex, you know.
531
00:21:55,511 --> 00:21:57,311
It's just a simple transaction for me.
532
00:21:57,313 --> 00:21:59,022
Oh.
Uh-uh-uh.
533
00:21:59,373 --> 00:22:01,178
Not until the deal is done.
534
00:22:02,017 --> 00:22:04,518
I watched Cruel Intentions in
the car on the way over here.
535
00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:06,119
Oh, that is such a good movie.
536
00:22:08,157 --> 00:22:10,757
What? Oh, no, my dry-bar uptini!
537
00:22:10,759 --> 00:22:12,025
It's a helicopter!
538
00:22:12,027 --> 00:22:13,193
Yeah, no, I get that!
539
00:22:15,064 --> 00:22:17,664
- Just get over here, get over here.
- Oh, okay.
540
00:22:17,666 --> 00:22:20,767
This is so sexy!
541
00:22:20,769 --> 00:22:23,003
Just land it!
542
00:22:23,005 --> 00:22:25,572
Just land the damn helicopter!
543
00:22:27,576 --> 00:22:29,876
Oh, what is this place?
544
00:22:29,878 --> 00:22:31,411
Well, usually,
545
00:22:31,413 --> 00:22:33,747
it's a spin-lates gym, but tonight...
546
00:22:34,118 --> 00:22:35,716
it's something extra special.
547
00:22:35,718 --> 00:22:37,084
Ooh.
548
00:22:37,086 --> 00:22:38,552
What's that?
549
00:22:38,554 --> 00:22:40,387
Did I mention?
550
00:22:40,389 --> 00:22:42,438
This party is a masquerade.
551
00:22:43,725 --> 00:22:44,992
No!
552
00:22:44,994 --> 00:22:46,693
You didn't mention that!
553
00:22:46,695 --> 00:22:47,894
I would've remembered
if you'd mentioned that.
554
00:22:47,896 --> 00:22:49,730
Oh, my God, this is so fun.
555
00:22:49,732 --> 00:22:51,221
Ooh, can I be the tiger?
Can I please be the tiger?
556
00:22:51,246 --> 00:22:54,346
- You need to shh.
- Sorry. Sorry.
557
00:22:56,067 --> 00:22:59,402
I get to be the tiger.
558
00:23:01,009 --> 00:23:04,811
Behind this curtain are
the most powerful people
559
00:23:04,813 --> 00:23:08,281
east of the 5, north of the
10 and some parts of the 2.
560
00:23:08,283 --> 00:23:09,916
So, South Pasadena, basically?
561
00:23:09,918 --> 00:23:11,251
Yeah, more or less.
562
00:23:11,253 --> 00:23:13,587
Craig lives in La Cañada
Flintridge, but it's close.
563
00:23:15,747 --> 00:23:18,725
- Shall we?
- Ooh.
564
00:23:28,170 --> 00:23:29,970
Four people in this
room have the ability
565
00:23:29,972 --> 00:23:32,188
to ruin Josh Chan's life forever.
566
00:23:32,841 --> 00:23:35,142
And one can just make it super annoying,
567
00:23:35,144 --> 00:23:36,476
so we'll skip him.
568
00:23:36,478 --> 00:23:40,813
Now, it's time to destroy Josh Chan.
569
00:24:00,438 --> 00:24:01,758
Dear God,
570
00:24:02,250 --> 00:24:04,184
I have to read all this
religion and Bible stuff,
571
00:24:04,186 --> 00:24:06,086
and I don't understand any of it,
572
00:24:06,088 --> 00:24:07,804
and it doesn't interest me at all.
573
00:24:08,056 --> 00:24:09,929
No offense, Big Guy.
574
00:24:10,101 --> 00:24:12,225
So, when I open my eyes,
575
00:24:12,227 --> 00:24:14,194
can I just be a priest, and look cool,
576
00:24:14,196 --> 00:24:15,929
and hand out wine and wafers,
577
00:24:15,931 --> 00:24:19,750
and not at all feel bad about
leaving Rebecca at the altar?
578
00:24:23,872 --> 00:24:25,171
I knew that wasn't gonna work.
579
00:24:25,173 --> 00:24:26,406
I'm not Aladdin.
580
00:24:28,281 --> 00:24:31,478
I just thought it was
gonna feel so satisfying,
581
00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:33,446
but it doesn't at all.
582
00:24:35,703 --> 00:24:37,610
Just feel like I'm faking it.
583
00:24:41,389 --> 00:24:43,022
Just feel like I'm faking it.
584
00:24:43,024 --> 00:24:45,592
Tim, you have never
given your wife an orgasm.
585
00:24:45,594 --> 00:24:47,460
Fake being satisfied?
586
00:24:47,462 --> 00:24:48,978
Sounds like a vibrator.
587
00:24:49,003 --> 00:24:50,296
You're doing it wrong.
588
00:24:50,298 --> 00:24:51,898
39% of the time...
589
00:24:51,900 --> 00:24:54,667
Not even once.
590
00:25:01,466 --> 00:25:05,310
♪ Such profound humiliation ♪
591
00:25:06,615 --> 00:25:10,761
♪ Such all-consuming shame ♪
592
00:25:11,787 --> 00:25:15,484
♪ The buzzing from the bathroom ♪
593
00:25:16,525 --> 00:25:21,417
♪ Has finally been explained ♪
594
00:25:22,164 --> 00:25:25,644
♪ That was no electric toothbrush ♪
595
00:25:27,102 --> 00:25:30,058
♪ No facial scrub device ♪
596
00:25:31,506 --> 00:25:35,003
♪ And now I finally
know the meaning ♪
597
00:25:35,644 --> 00:25:37,577
♪ Of the words ♪
598
00:25:37,579 --> 00:25:41,381
♪ "Tim, that was nice" ♪
599
00:25:41,383 --> 00:25:46,019
♪ We used two different positions ♪
600
00:25:46,846 --> 00:25:51,724
♪ Every other Sunday night ♪
601
00:25:51,726 --> 00:25:56,496
♪ All her writhing,
moaning, sighing ♪
602
00:25:56,498 --> 00:26:01,367
♪ I thought I was doing it right ♪
603
00:26:01,369 --> 00:26:06,054
♪ But as I drifted off to slumber ♪
604
00:26:06,498 --> 00:26:11,411
♪ Thinking I had brought her joy ♪
605
00:26:11,413 --> 00:26:14,948
♪ She would slink
off to the bathroom ♪
606
00:26:16,369 --> 00:26:21,754
♪ With that blasted plastic toy ♪
607
00:26:21,756 --> 00:26:26,212
♪ Oh, the buzzing, cursed buzzing ♪
608
00:26:26,490 --> 00:26:30,859
♪ That damn incessant hum ♪
609
00:26:31,166 --> 00:26:36,173
♪ I used to think I was a hero ♪
610
00:26:36,425 --> 00:26:41,161
♪ Can't believe she didn't come ♪
611
00:26:41,343 --> 00:26:45,945
♪ To tell me that she needed ♪
612
00:26:45,947 --> 00:26:51,317
♪ So much more than I could give ♪
613
00:26:51,319 --> 00:26:55,288
♪ Now the buzzing
from the bathroom ♪
614
00:26:55,290 --> 00:27:00,257
♪ Tells the lie that we both live ♪
615
00:27:01,196 --> 00:27:04,085
♪ What is pleasure but a union ♪
616
00:27:05,567 --> 00:27:10,158
♪ When with one
soul another joins? ♪
617
00:27:11,306 --> 00:27:13,606
♪ Yet I'm haunted by the buzzing ♪
618
00:27:13,608 --> 00:27:15,588
♪ From the bathroom ♪
619
00:27:17,145 --> 00:27:20,813
♪ Like tinnitus ♪
620
00:27:20,815 --> 00:27:26,267
♪ Of the loins. ♪
621
00:27:35,663 --> 00:27:37,263
So, what's the plan?
622
00:27:37,265 --> 00:27:38,431
We split up.
623
00:27:38,433 --> 00:27:40,833
Your job is critical. You see those
624
00:27:40,835 --> 00:27:42,602
- three women over there?
- Uh-huh.
625
00:27:42,604 --> 00:27:44,604
I need you to distract them
while I talk to their husbands.
626
00:27:44,606 --> 00:27:46,873
You can talk to them about
anything, anything at all,
627
00:27:46,875 --> 00:27:49,842
except for raising taxes,
charter school vouchers
628
00:27:49,844 --> 00:27:51,261
and being pro-choice.
629
00:27:51,819 --> 00:27:53,394
Can you do that?
630
00:27:54,649 --> 00:27:57,800
- Absolutely. No problem.
- Good.
631
00:28:01,789 --> 00:28:03,256
Mmm, I love this champagne.
632
00:28:03,258 --> 00:28:04,991
The level of carbonation is just right.
633
00:28:04,993 --> 00:28:08,127
Mm, well is it champagne
or sparkling wine?
634
00:28:08,129 --> 00:28:09,429
I never know.
635
00:28:09,431 --> 00:28:10,530
Oh.
636
00:28:10,532 --> 00:28:11,965
One of life's great mysteries,
637
00:28:11,967 --> 00:28:13,766
like how to fix public education.
638
00:28:13,768 --> 00:28:15,068
Actually, it's not a mystery.
639
00:28:15,070 --> 00:28:16,436
You just adequately
fund school districts
640
00:28:16,438 --> 00:28:17,770
irrespective of their tax base.
641
00:28:18,842 --> 00:28:22,842
Kidding. Uh, vouchers are the
only way to go, am I right?
642
00:28:22,844 --> 00:28:24,344
Mm.
643
00:28:25,909 --> 00:28:27,547
Mmm, this Brie is divine.
644
00:28:27,549 --> 00:28:28,681
I know.
645
00:28:28,683 --> 00:28:30,583
Soft cheeses are like crack to me.
646
00:28:30,585 --> 00:28:33,019
Crack, yeah. Crack, that is...
647
00:28:33,021 --> 00:28:34,654
a funny thing to make a joke about
648
00:28:34,656 --> 00:28:36,522
because it is not at all a cheap drug
649
00:28:36,524 --> 00:28:38,691
disseminated by the CIA during
the Reagan administration
650
00:28:38,693 --> 00:28:40,159
to decimate our inner cities.
651
00:28:40,161 --> 00:28:42,295
Damn it, I mean, uh,
652
00:28:42,297 --> 00:28:45,531
Nancy Reagan was a national
hero and a style icon, right?
653
00:28:50,081 --> 00:28:51,681
You are absolutely right.
654
00:28:51,706 --> 00:28:54,941
Uh, Roe v. Wade is nothing
short of judicial activism.
655
00:28:54,943 --> 00:28:56,009
Oh, thank God.
656
00:28:56,011 --> 00:28:57,744
Oh, my God, I was about to tell her that
657
00:28:57,746 --> 00:28:59,879
states should be free to
make individual choices,
658
00:28:59,881 --> 00:29:01,047
but reproductive rights...
659
00:29:01,708 --> 00:29:03,950
You performed flawlessly.
660
00:29:03,952 --> 00:29:05,518
The table is set for our plan.
661
00:29:05,520 --> 00:29:06,779
Oh.
662
00:29:07,222 --> 00:29:11,037
- What do we do now?
- Now... we dance.
663
00:29:15,139 --> 00:29:16,907
Is this part of the plan?
664
00:29:17,065 --> 00:29:18,965
No, I just wanted to dance.
665
00:29:18,967 --> 00:29:20,299
Oh.
666
00:29:25,439 --> 00:29:27,774
Nathaniel, why are you
doing all this for me really?
667
00:29:28,959 --> 00:29:30,803
Honestly, I don't know. I...
668
00:29:31,446 --> 00:29:33,780
When I'm around you, I
stop thinking about myself
669
00:29:33,782 --> 00:29:35,181
and I think about you.
670
00:29:36,323 --> 00:29:37,583
It's very confusing.
671
00:29:39,154 --> 00:29:41,821
Wow, that's... for you,
that's not confusing.
672
00:29:41,823 --> 00:29:43,256
That's-that's like a miracle.
673
00:30:02,043 --> 00:30:04,077
Rebecca, it's done. We did it.
674
00:30:04,079 --> 00:30:05,411
Done? What do you mean?
675
00:30:05,413 --> 00:30:08,815
We just ruined Josh Chan's
life for good, the two of us.
676
00:30:08,817 --> 00:30:11,184
We're unstoppable.
677
00:30:14,489 --> 00:30:16,322
Let's get out of here.
678
00:30:16,324 --> 00:30:17,557
Uh-huh.
679
00:30:25,066 --> 00:30:27,633
Hey, you don't have
to do this, you know,
680
00:30:27,822 --> 00:30:29,997
regardless of our deal.
681
00:30:30,238 --> 00:30:32,438
I want to.
682
00:30:32,440 --> 00:30:34,107
I've always wanted to.
683
00:30:53,289 --> 00:30:55,657
Well, that was actually very satisfying.
684
00:30:55,659 --> 00:30:57,158
Isn't it always?
685
00:30:57,160 --> 00:30:58,693
Only 39% of the time.
686
00:30:58,695 --> 00:31:00,328
There's some interesting
literature on the subject,
687
00:31:00,330 --> 00:31:02,764
but, Nathaniel, tell me,
what did we do to Josh?
688
00:31:02,766 --> 00:31:04,532
Mm, you sure you want to know?
689
00:31:04,534 --> 00:31:06,201
I don't want to corrupt
your innocent soul.
690
00:31:06,203 --> 00:31:08,937
Mm, no, no, no, tell me, please.
691
00:31:08,939 --> 00:31:10,632
Well, okay.
692
00:31:11,671 --> 00:31:13,283
You said you wanted
to ruin him, right?
693
00:31:13,308 --> 00:31:14,168
Uh-huh.
694
00:31:14,193 --> 00:31:16,745
Well, to ruin a man, you have
to go after what he loves most.
695
00:31:16,747 --> 00:31:18,446
Video games.
696
00:31:19,328 --> 00:31:22,450
- Not that. Okay.
- He cares about family.
697
00:31:22,452 --> 00:31:24,119
Family.
698
00:31:24,121 --> 00:31:25,420
Okay.
699
00:31:25,422 --> 00:31:26,988
So that's what we went after.
700
00:31:26,990 --> 00:31:29,023
We went after Josh's family?
701
00:31:29,025 --> 00:31:30,125
Oh, okay.
702
00:31:30,127 --> 00:31:32,082
First, Josh's sister, Jastenity,
703
00:31:32,107 --> 00:31:34,562
she's about to be accused of plagiarism
704
00:31:34,564 --> 00:31:37,132
and kicked out of Cal State Northridge.
705
00:31:37,134 --> 00:31:38,633
Oh...
706
00:31:38,635 --> 00:31:39,901
Oh, really? That's a bummer.
707
00:31:39,903 --> 00:31:41,269
'Cause she just got on the dean's list.
708
00:31:41,271 --> 00:31:42,771
Not as much of a bummer
as what's gonna happen
709
00:31:42,773 --> 00:31:43,772
to Josh's father.
710
00:31:43,774 --> 00:31:45,940
- Oh... uh, Joseph?
- Joseph.
711
00:31:45,942 --> 00:31:49,577
He is about to be audited
for financial malfeasance
712
00:31:49,579 --> 00:31:50,912
at his radiology lab.
713
00:31:50,914 --> 00:31:52,247
There's gonna be criminal charges.
714
00:31:52,249 --> 00:31:54,282
And once that happens, he'll be a felon,
715
00:31:54,284 --> 00:31:56,417
and his permanent resident
status will be revoked.
716
00:31:56,419 --> 00:31:58,586
- Oh, my God!
- And that's not all.
717
00:31:58,588 --> 00:31:59,888
I'm saving the very best for last.
718
00:31:59,890 --> 00:32:02,190
Josh's grandfather is about
to draw his last breath.
719
00:32:02,192 --> 00:32:03,491
His lolo? What do you mean?
720
00:32:03,493 --> 00:32:06,027
One of the men at the party
owns a chain of hospices.
721
00:32:06,029 --> 00:32:09,297
We have direct access to
Lolo and his oxygen tank.
722
00:32:09,299 --> 00:32:11,434
You're gonna kill Josh's lolo?!
723
00:32:17,426 --> 00:32:20,842
Eat it, zombies.
724
00:32:20,844 --> 00:32:23,211
No one can rise from the dead.
725
00:32:23,213 --> 00:32:24,512
It's stupid.
726
00:32:24,514 --> 00:32:25,713
Josh?
727
00:32:25,715 --> 00:32:28,449
Uh, Father, um... sorry.
728
00:32:28,451 --> 00:32:29,584
Um, I'm sorry.
729
00:32:29,586 --> 00:32:31,986
Uh, obviously, you know, Jesus can
730
00:32:31,988 --> 00:32:35,824
and-and-and-and
did, and will again
731
00:32:35,826 --> 00:32:37,292
rise from the dead.
732
00:32:37,658 --> 00:32:39,260
Right? Huh?
733
00:32:39,262 --> 00:32:42,130
Son, is everything okay?
734
00:32:42,861 --> 00:32:44,933
Did you talk to God?
735
00:32:44,935 --> 00:32:46,334
I talked to Him earlier
736
00:32:46,336 --> 00:32:47,836
and asked Him not to say anything,
737
00:32:47,838 --> 00:32:49,404
but I thought He might blab.
738
00:32:49,406 --> 00:32:51,105
No, you just seemed upset,
739
00:32:51,107 --> 00:32:53,007
so I was expressing concern.
740
00:32:53,508 --> 00:32:56,044
Anyway, I have noticed you seeming torn
741
00:32:56,046 --> 00:32:57,645
about your decision to come here,
742
00:32:57,647 --> 00:33:00,758
so I decided to come by
with a special treat for you.
743
00:33:00,883 --> 00:33:03,384
- Jelly beans?
- No.
744
00:33:03,386 --> 00:33:05,186
At the service today,
745
00:33:05,188 --> 00:33:08,289
I thought you might want to
pass the collection basket.
746
00:33:08,291 --> 00:33:11,823
Are there no openings
in wine and wafers?
747
00:33:11,848 --> 00:33:13,795
No. It's basket of nothing.
748
00:33:13,797 --> 00:33:17,966
Okay. I do have a cool
suit from my almost-wedding.
749
00:33:17,968 --> 00:33:19,400
Can I wear that?
750
00:33:19,402 --> 00:33:22,237
Okay, buddy, I'm gonna
say yes to that one.
751
00:33:22,239 --> 00:33:23,614
Cool.
752
00:33:24,140 --> 00:33:26,007
Geez, this frickin' guy.
753
00:33:27,443 --> 00:33:29,043
Oh, my God, undo it, undo it,
754
00:33:29,045 --> 00:33:30,979
- just, right now!
- Fine, I'll undo it.
755
00:33:30,981 --> 00:33:33,514
But you said you wanted
me to do evil things.
756
00:33:33,516 --> 00:33:34,849
That's what I did.
757
00:33:34,851 --> 00:33:36,451
I-I thought that's what
you said you wanted.
758
00:33:36,453 --> 00:33:38,186
Yes, I... No. I don't know.
759
00:33:38,188 --> 00:33:40,989
I don't know, I don't
know. Nothing feels right.
760
00:33:40,991 --> 00:33:42,490
I've tried everything.
I've tried mailing poop,
761
00:33:42,492 --> 00:33:44,726
I've tried the fake sex tape,
I've tried Paul's lawsuit idea.
762
00:33:44,728 --> 00:33:46,822
Stop, go back. You tried mailing what?
763
00:33:46,847 --> 00:33:49,931
But just none of it is
helping me feel better.
764
00:33:49,933 --> 00:33:51,714
And your plan...
765
00:33:52,608 --> 00:33:54,008
I'm sorry, it's awful.
766
00:33:54,104 --> 00:33:55,904
Well, so picky.
767
00:33:55,906 --> 00:33:58,206
Sounds like you don't like
anyone's porridge, Goldilocks.
768
00:33:58,208 --> 00:34:00,041
Why doesn't anybody
understand what I really want?
769
00:34:00,043 --> 00:34:01,209
Well, what do you really want?
770
00:34:01,211 --> 00:34:03,464
I want him to face what he did to me.
771
00:34:06,105 --> 00:34:07,925
He left me at my wedding.
772
00:34:08,855 --> 00:34:11,152
He just left me, he left me
like a fool standing there
773
00:34:11,154 --> 00:34:13,988
in that... in that big, stupid waste
774
00:34:13,990 --> 00:34:15,556
of an expensive wedding dress.
775
00:34:15,558 --> 00:34:17,091
And he didn't even let me confront him
776
00:34:17,093 --> 00:34:18,459
in front of everyone.
777
00:34:18,461 --> 00:34:20,722
He didn't let me embarrass
him the way he embarrassed me.
778
00:34:21,464 --> 00:34:23,034
He robbed me of that moment.
779
00:34:23,150 --> 00:34:24,482
Well, what would that have done?
780
00:34:24,972 --> 00:34:27,068
That would have just made
things even more humiliating.
781
00:34:27,070 --> 00:34:28,903
It would have made me feel good.
782
00:34:32,151 --> 00:34:33,708
Wow, I'm so sorry.
783
00:34:33,710 --> 00:34:34,976
I'm really sorry about all this.
784
00:34:34,978 --> 00:34:36,244
You did all this for nothing.
785
00:34:37,130 --> 00:34:38,341
Um...
786
00:34:39,060 --> 00:34:40,529
I got to go.
787
00:34:41,818 --> 00:34:43,974
Oh, my God, I'm so
embarrassed... I got to go.
788
00:35:10,194 --> 00:35:12,983
- _
- Josh didn't even get the poop?!
789
00:35:30,332 --> 00:35:32,066
Thank you, my son.
790
00:35:32,068 --> 00:35:34,068
Easy with the "my sons," my son.
791
00:35:35,062 --> 00:35:36,367
Oh. Roger, Father.
792
00:35:53,688 --> 00:35:55,488
Paula.
793
00:35:55,490 --> 00:35:57,157
Oh, no. What?
794
00:35:57,159 --> 00:35:59,225
I am so happy that I ran into you.
795
00:35:59,227 --> 00:36:00,827
I have been dying to thank you.
796
00:36:00,829 --> 00:36:01,928
Thank me for what?
797
00:36:01,930 --> 00:36:04,964
My beloved and I had the best night
798
00:36:04,966 --> 00:36:06,166
of our 11-year marriage.
799
00:36:06,168 --> 00:36:08,535
She had a very satisfactory climax,
800
00:36:08,537 --> 00:36:11,004
and it's all thanks to
the women in the office,
801
00:36:11,006 --> 00:36:12,172
including you.
802
00:36:12,400 --> 00:36:16,766
- What are you talking about?
- Your cutting comment about
803
00:36:16,791 --> 00:36:18,939
me never giving my wife an orgasm.
804
00:36:19,384 --> 00:36:21,446
It changed my whole life.
805
00:36:21,471 --> 00:36:23,071
Huh. I don't remember saying that, but,
806
00:36:23,073 --> 00:36:25,006
you know, if I tossed out a mean comment
807
00:36:25,008 --> 00:36:26,806
that changed your life,
you wouldn't be the first.
808
00:36:27,462 --> 00:36:30,478
And by the way, if
your wife never told you
809
00:36:30,480 --> 00:36:32,780
she was not getting off in 11 years,
810
00:36:32,782 --> 00:36:33,853
that is on her.
811
00:36:33,878 --> 00:36:35,603
I mean, clearly, you two have
812
00:36:35,628 --> 00:36:38,252
a giant communication
gap that really speaks to
813
00:36:38,254 --> 00:36:40,845
some very deep problems
in your relationship.
814
00:36:43,181 --> 00:36:45,884
Anyway, working on a case...
Big game-changer, so...
815
00:36:46,617 --> 00:36:47,916
see you later.
816
00:36:47,997 --> 00:36:49,864
Oh.
817
00:36:56,370 --> 00:36:58,430
Bye, Tim. Happy Sunday.
818
00:37:03,322 --> 00:37:06,524
Rebecca, what are you doing here?
819
00:37:06,683 --> 00:37:08,337
Why are you wearing that?
820
00:37:08,362 --> 00:37:09,595
Oh...
821
00:37:09,620 --> 00:37:11,552
Oh, you don't like the sight of this?
822
00:37:11,554 --> 00:37:13,688
Huh? Thought you'd get
to go your whole life
823
00:37:13,690 --> 00:37:15,368
without seeing this?
824
00:37:16,212 --> 00:37:17,558
Good morrow, congregants.
825
00:37:17,560 --> 00:37:19,376
Sorry to interrupt. I'm Rebecca Bunch,
826
00:37:19,401 --> 00:37:21,195
and I'm here because I need to confront
827
00:37:21,197 --> 00:37:24,799
my ex-fiancé, who
jilted me at the altar
828
00:37:24,801 --> 00:37:27,034
seconds before our
wedding two weeks ago.
829
00:37:27,036 --> 00:37:29,036
Rebecca, let's go outside and talk.
830
00:37:29,038 --> 00:37:30,571
I-I'm sorry, Father Rodrigo.
831
00:37:30,573 --> 00:37:32,518
Wow!
832
00:37:32,940 --> 00:37:35,309
Wow, you're apologizing to him. To him!
833
00:37:35,311 --> 00:37:36,956
And, no, I will not go outside and talk.
834
00:37:37,042 --> 00:37:40,376
I want everyone to hear
what a fraud you are.
835
00:37:40,378 --> 00:37:41,945
Y-You're right to be mad at me.
836
00:37:41,947 --> 00:37:43,379
I-I should have reached out to you,
837
00:37:43,381 --> 00:37:45,748
- but God had called me.
- Josh,
838
00:37:45,750 --> 00:37:47,584
God did not reach out to you.
839
00:37:47,586 --> 00:37:50,119
You're hiding,
840
00:37:50,121 --> 00:37:51,834
because you're a coward.
841
00:37:52,592 --> 00:37:54,490
It's been two weeks, Josh.
842
00:37:54,492 --> 00:37:57,093
I have been waiting for anything...
843
00:37:57,506 --> 00:37:59,929
A text, an e-mail, a phone call...
844
00:37:59,931 --> 00:38:02,165
And I've... I've heard nothing.
845
00:38:02,167 --> 00:38:04,000
Yes, you're right. I-I
should have e-mailed.
846
00:38:04,002 --> 00:38:06,069
I-I have a draft. I can pull it up.
847
00:38:06,071 --> 00:38:08,014
Miss, we're in the
middle of a service.
848
00:38:08,039 --> 00:38:10,740
Father, do you know
what this person did to me?
849
00:38:10,742 --> 00:38:13,092
- We really don't want to know.
- We want to know.
850
00:38:13,616 --> 00:38:16,746
Great, great. 'Cause you're gonna know
851
00:38:16,748 --> 00:38:19,215
all of the terrible things he did to me,
852
00:38:19,217 --> 00:38:21,751
and all the terrible
things he made me do.
853
00:38:21,753 --> 00:38:24,120
I never made you do anything.
854
00:38:24,122 --> 00:38:25,622
Oh, yes, you did.
855
00:38:26,262 --> 00:38:30,183
With every twinkly smile,
every kind compliment,
856
00:38:30,786 --> 00:38:33,065
every little love kernel.
857
00:38:33,398 --> 00:38:35,465
And that's why I did
all the things I did.
858
00:38:35,848 --> 00:38:37,293
I had to do them.
859
00:38:38,178 --> 00:38:39,519
You made me.
860
00:38:39,771 --> 00:38:40,937
Hit it!
861
00:38:55,119 --> 00:38:58,187
♪ After everything you made me do ♪
862
00:38:58,189 --> 00:39:00,556
♪ That you didn't ask for ♪
863
00:39:00,558 --> 00:39:02,525
♪ You pay me back with rejection ♪
864
00:39:02,527 --> 00:39:03,726
♪ Pain and loss
865
00:39:05,864 --> 00:39:08,097
♪ After everything you made me do ♪
866
00:39:08,099 --> 00:39:10,400
♪ That you didn't ask for ♪
867
00:39:10,402 --> 00:39:12,201
♪ I'm the one who
should be up there ♪
868
00:39:12,203 --> 00:39:14,570
♪ On that cross ♪
869
00:39:14,572 --> 00:39:17,874
You want to know all
the things I did for you?
870
00:39:17,876 --> 00:39:19,976
♪ I moved here for you
'cause that day in New York ♪
871
00:39:19,978 --> 00:39:22,011
♪ On the street you led me on ♪
872
00:39:22,013 --> 00:39:23,413
♪ I whored myself
out at Beans's house ♪
873
00:39:23,415 --> 00:39:25,715
♪ Just to find out
where you'd gone ♪
874
00:39:25,717 --> 00:39:27,250
♪ I had to clog my
garbage disposal ♪
875
00:39:27,252 --> 00:39:28,918
♪ When you ignored my calls
876
00:39:28,920 --> 00:39:30,353
♪ I watched you have sex with Anna ♪
877
00:39:30,355 --> 00:39:32,021
♪ While I was hiding
in a bathroom stall ♪
878
00:39:32,023 --> 00:39:34,157
♪ I also watched you have sex ♪
879
00:39:34,159 --> 00:39:35,792
♪ During a poop attack
on Thanksgiving ♪
880
00:39:35,794 --> 00:39:37,894
♪ I now associate
toilets with heartbreak ♪
881
00:39:37,896 --> 00:39:39,228
♪ Welcome to the hell I'm living ♪
882
00:39:39,230 --> 00:39:41,731
♪ When you asked
Valencia to move in ♪
883
00:39:41,733 --> 00:39:43,900
♪ I was such a mess ♪
884
00:39:43,902 --> 00:39:45,568
♪ You can ask Paula,
she saw it all ♪
885
00:39:45,570 --> 00:39:47,570
♪ From the camera on my dress ♪
886
00:39:47,572 --> 00:39:50,707
♪ I ran over Anna's cat
just because I had to know ♪
887
00:39:50,709 --> 00:39:52,475
♪ If she actually styled eyebrows ♪
888
00:39:52,477 --> 00:39:54,077
♪ Or if she was dealin' blow ♪
889
00:39:54,079 --> 00:39:56,379
♪ I paid some chick $10,000 ♪
890
00:39:56,381 --> 00:39:58,214
♪ To take her wedding slot ♪
891
00:39:58,216 --> 00:39:59,716
♪ That's how I moved
our wedding up ♪
892
00:39:59,718 --> 00:40:01,617
♪ And, oh, yeah, I almost forgot ♪
893
00:40:01,619 --> 00:40:03,252
♪ You gave me that
worthless proposal ♪
894
00:40:03,254 --> 00:40:05,121
♪ And not even two weeks later ♪
895
00:40:05,123 --> 00:40:06,789
♪ I made out with my boss ♪
896
00:40:06,791 --> 00:40:10,226
♪ When we got stuck in an elevator ♪
897
00:40:12,339 --> 00:40:14,574
♪ You're nothing without me ♪
898
00:40:14,599 --> 00:40:17,200
♪ And my selfless humility ♪
899
00:40:17,202 --> 00:40:19,769
♪ I held you up despite the fact ♪
900
00:40:19,771 --> 00:40:22,939
♪ You lack brains and ability ♪
901
00:40:22,941 --> 00:40:25,174
♪ After everything
I've done for you ♪
902
00:40:25,176 --> 00:40:27,977
♪ I thought love
was the reason why ♪
903
00:40:27,979 --> 00:40:30,747
♪ But now, Josh Chan ♪
904
00:40:30,749 --> 00:40:32,782
♪ I say ♪
905
00:40:32,784 --> 00:40:37,403
♪ Good-bye. ♪
906
00:40:48,405 --> 00:40:51,607
My goodness, son, I am so sorry.
907
00:40:52,988 --> 00:40:54,021
Sorry?
908
00:40:54,524 --> 00:40:55,805
You're sorry?
909
00:40:56,331 --> 00:40:58,531
Don't you see what this means?
910
00:40:58,659 --> 00:41:00,859
It wasn't my fault.
911
00:41:01,315 --> 00:41:02,716
It wasn't my fault.
912
00:41:02,741 --> 00:41:06,125
There is no reason why
I should feel guilty.
913
00:41:08,052 --> 00:41:09,786
Thank you, Lord!
914
00:41:32,834 --> 00:41:34,400
Oh...
915
00:41:34,511 --> 00:41:36,473
Oh, wow.
916
00:41:37,148 --> 00:41:38,910
Oh, I feel so much better.
917
00:41:39,484 --> 00:41:40,778
I did it.
918
00:41:42,488 --> 00:41:45,022
Oh, my God, I told him everything.
919
00:41:49,759 --> 00:41:51,861
Oh, my God, I told him everything.
920
00:41:53,027 --> 00:41:57,400
-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --
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