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Previously on "You Me Her"...
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We're together. We're a throuple.
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00:00:04,336 --> 00:00:05,646
I got a connection at Griffin College,
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00:00:05,676 --> 00:00:07,121
and they're expanding
their psych department.
5
00:00:07,156 --> 00:00:09,737
So I will get you a
meeting, little brother.
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00:00:09,737 --> 00:00:11,308
Do you even want to
be a college professor?
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I mean, 'cause I don't want
to push you into anything.
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Pbht.
9
00:00:14,037 --> 00:00:15,617
What's that supposed to mean? Pbht?
10
00:00:15,647 --> 00:00:18,181
I just can't help but feel
a little bit Lori-esque,
11
00:00:18,202 --> 00:00:19,769
like maybe we've become uncool.
12
00:00:19,786 --> 00:00:22,007
So, you're saying that we're
provincial and we're judgmental because,
13
00:00:22,016 --> 00:00:25,949
- what, we're not cool anymore?
- No. [Chuckles] N... no.
14
00:00:25,984 --> 00:00:27,448
Oh, okay. Because I was gonna say yes.
15
00:00:27,468 --> 00:00:30,126
The Trakarskys and the Amaris
16
00:00:30,166 --> 00:00:32,987
are scheming against me. Only this time,
17
00:00:32,994 --> 00:00:35,638
they've recruited my own
daughter. And, little missy,
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00:00:35,672 --> 00:00:38,529
you can say bye-bye to
that shiny new 3 Series.
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00:00:38,596 --> 00:00:42,011
Please tell me that you did
not threaten to break the leg
20
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- of a Hamilton student?
- Uhhh...
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We're just going to
delay the announcement
22
00:00:46,099 --> 00:00:47,510
of your promotion a couple of weeks.
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00:00:47,537 --> 00:00:49,008
Think they even noticed that we left?
24
00:00:49,042 --> 00:00:51,272
Oh, is this about the
thing I said about the bike?
25
00:00:51,312 --> 00:00:53,671
You don't think Emma's bi? You
think she's just, like, gay?
26
00:00:53,678 --> 00:00:55,563
- I don't know what I think.
- Are you mad?
27
00:00:55,597 --> 00:00:57,854
Who doesn't love a
spirited public cuckolding?
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Am I the only one questioning
their life choices right now?
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- I love you.
- I love you more.
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- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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O-kay. Th-e-ere we go.
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♪
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Morning, hottest senator on the hill.
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00:01:39,949 --> 00:01:42,098
Wish I'd brushed my teeth.
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- Does Izzy need to get up?
- I'll check when I get in the shower.
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00:01:47,903 --> 00:01:50,137
Kept dreaming Leatherface
was chasing me.
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Kind of feel like I'm
walking into a fight.
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I overreacted.
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00:02:00,930 --> 00:02:04,015
[Scoffs] I was drunk
and well up my own ass.
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00:02:05,817 --> 00:02:07,619
[Sighs]
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00:02:10,601 --> 00:02:13,691
So, what's with the
dazzling dapper-tude?
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I'm going to the interview at Griffin.
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00:02:16,291 --> 00:02:17,392
Yeah?
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00:02:19,443 --> 00:02:21,450
You're positive I'm not pushing you
45
00:02:21,455 --> 00:02:23,077
into anything you don't want to do?
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00:02:23,576 --> 00:02:25,127
Do you want coffee?
47
00:02:26,374 --> 00:02:29,470
Just say it, Jack. It's so
much worse when you don't.
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00:02:32,719 --> 00:02:35,078
Okay. We never actually
discussed inviting Izzy
49
00:02:35,095 --> 00:02:36,825
to move in with us. You just did it.
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00:02:39,103 --> 00:02:42,186
So, I've already pushed you into
something you don't want to do?
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00:02:43,030 --> 00:02:45,010
No. I mean, I don't know.
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00:02:47,392 --> 00:02:49,149
It's just all happening so fast.
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Maybe that's why the kitchen's rotating.
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00:02:51,929 --> 00:02:53,503
Vodka guzzled by the bottle
55
00:02:53,525 --> 00:02:55,754
might be another contributing factor.
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00:02:56,112 --> 00:02:58,671
Yeah. I heard that doesn't mix
very well with fertility meds.
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00:02:58,791 --> 00:03:00,405
Probably not.
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00:03:05,392 --> 00:03:07,773
I should've danced. Okay?
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00:03:08,332 --> 00:03:09,899
Sorry I was acting like such a dick.
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00:03:10,908 --> 00:03:12,950
Oh, let's just go back
to being dizzy together.
61
00:03:13,180 --> 00:03:14,873
- All right? Yeah?
- Okay.
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00:03:14,993 --> 00:03:19,076
I will make out with
you, but brush your teeth.
63
00:03:19,993 --> 00:03:21,837
Yeah. A lot of last
night's still in there.
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00:03:21,957 --> 00:03:23,263
Ew.
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00:03:24,494 --> 00:03:25,633
Hey,
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00:03:25,910 --> 00:03:27,266
are you nervous?
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00:03:27,699 --> 00:03:29,100
For the interview?
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00:03:29,310 --> 00:03:30,872
No, not really.
69
00:03:32,352 --> 00:03:34,972
Well, stressed? Would
you say you're stressed?
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00:03:35,969 --> 00:03:37,509
Oh, I get it.
71
00:03:37,536 --> 00:03:39,836
Yeah. Super stressed.
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00:03:40,011 --> 00:03:41,994
Like, I'm having a
full-blown panic attack.
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00:03:42,054 --> 00:03:44,879
Okay, well, don't go
anywhere. I will be right back.
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00:03:45,216 --> 00:03:46,250
Okay.
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00:03:50,151 --> 00:03:51,328
It's gonna be much better
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00:03:51,355 --> 00:03:52,966
than me and you in the
shower tonight, buddy.
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00:03:53,237 --> 00:03:54,843
Stop talking to your dick!
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00:03:55,619 --> 00:03:56,703
Sorry.
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00:03:58,493 --> 00:04:01,400
- But, seriously, it's gonna be awesome.
- Good morning.
80
00:04:01,574 --> 00:04:04,052
Hey, were you guys talking
across me last night?
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00:04:04,274 --> 00:04:06,623
Uh, no. Must've been a dream.
82
00:04:06,905 --> 00:04:08,413
Oh, yeah, that makes sense.
83
00:04:08,533 --> 00:04:10,675
'Cause you guys were
talking about me snoring, and
84
00:04:11,141 --> 00:04:14,314
- I definitely don't snore.
- Well, there you go.
85
00:04:14,569 --> 00:04:15,980
Clearly a dream.
86
00:04:18,934 --> 00:04:20,431
I got to go blow Jack.
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00:04:20,551 --> 00:04:22,353
You have to blow Jack?
88
00:04:22,644 --> 00:04:24,569
Was that part of your marriage vows?
89
00:04:24,574 --> 00:04:27,216
Seriously, though, is this,
like, an every morning thing
90
00:04:27,265 --> 00:04:28,573
- or just to start the week?
- Shut up.
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00:04:28,610 --> 00:04:30,561
Does it go both ways?
92
00:04:30,628 --> 00:04:33,564
Can I get in on this situation?
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[Brushing teeth]
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Do you always brush your teeth first?
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00:04:45,777 --> 00:04:47,990
Actually, got to go now.
96
00:04:48,110 --> 00:04:50,067
Sorry. Can I get a rain check?
97
00:04:50,382 --> 00:04:51,591
Seriously?
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00:04:51,869 --> 00:04:53,918
It's the thought that counts, right?
99
00:04:53,985 --> 00:04:56,587
[Scoffs] Yeah, well, I bet he disagrees.
100
00:04:56,654 --> 00:04:59,256
Yeah, well, he is a total dick, so...
101
00:04:59,323 --> 00:05:01,062
- [Chuckles]
- Bye.
102
00:05:13,271 --> 00:05:14,539
Everything okay?
103
00:05:15,018 --> 00:05:16,195
Yeah.
104
00:05:16,542 --> 00:05:17,756
You know,
105
00:05:17,876 --> 00:05:20,611
you brushed the hell out
of your teeth and gargled.
106
00:05:20,914 --> 00:05:23,501
It seems a shame to waste all that.
107
00:05:25,725 --> 00:05:28,220
[Car horn honks]
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00:05:28,340 --> 00:05:29,576
I can get out here.
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00:05:29,863 --> 00:05:31,316
Sure you can,
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if you want another
month without your car.
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00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:34,847
You realize you're making me hate you
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00:05:34,863 --> 00:05:36,507
like everybody else does.
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00:05:36,772 --> 00:05:39,749
Your problem's in the
mirror, kiddo. I am just a
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00:05:39,754 --> 00:05:42,656
kindly mother giving
her daughter a ride...
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00:05:42,967 --> 00:05:45,611
all the way to the main steps.
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00:05:46,971 --> 00:05:49,337
That's for Freshmen and Sophomores!
117
00:05:49,521 --> 00:05:52,802
And Juniors who conspire
with pervy neighbors
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00:05:52,829 --> 00:05:54,696
against their own mothers.
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00:05:56,187 --> 00:05:57,181
What...
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00:05:57,489 --> 00:05:59,056
What is that about?
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00:05:59,084 --> 00:06:02,143
Do not imagine killing me in my sleep.
122
00:06:04,453 --> 00:06:07,558
- Wore that one out.
- Whoa, whoa. Unh-unh. Nope.
123
00:06:07,851 --> 00:06:09,142
Get back in.
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00:06:09,190 --> 00:06:10,432
That is an order.
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00:06:10,497 --> 00:06:14,065
I'm making a silent vow to
never, ever end up like you.
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00:06:14,131 --> 00:06:15,732
That's not silent. I can hear you.
127
00:06:15,852 --> 00:06:18,124
Well, oops. Guess the
cat's out of the bag.
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00:06:18,151 --> 00:06:21,134
I may as well start immediately.
Every single choice I make,
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00:06:21,150 --> 00:06:23,911
I'm gonna ask myself, "WWLD...
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00:06:24,085 --> 00:06:25,495
What would Lori do?"
131
00:06:25,864 --> 00:06:28,190
And then I'm gonna
do the exact opposite.
132
00:06:28,244 --> 00:06:30,490
Look at you, thinking
you're getting to me.
133
00:06:30,610 --> 00:06:32,617
Look at me, knowing I am.
134
00:06:32,683 --> 00:06:36,768
- You'll always be like me.
- I'll literally be your polar opposite.
135
00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:41,057
- Two months. No car for two months.
- Make it three.
136
00:06:41,253 --> 00:06:42,750
I like these chats.
137
00:06:42,870 --> 00:06:45,548
- Fun, right?
- [School bell rings]
138
00:06:49,540 --> 00:06:50,994
Oh, dear God.
139
00:06:51,932 --> 00:06:53,212
I made that.
140
00:06:53,638 --> 00:06:57,108
♪
141
00:06:59,829 --> 00:07:02,380
[Phone rings in background]
142
00:07:02,446 --> 00:07:04,998
I am so sorry. I just
found out that I'm...
143
00:07:07,265 --> 00:07:10,501
I'm pinch-hitting.
Oh, this just got weird.
144
00:07:11,575 --> 00:07:12,990
[Sighs]
145
00:07:13,057 --> 00:07:14,191
Ruby.
146
00:07:15,198 --> 00:07:16,397
Jack.
147
00:07:16,727 --> 00:07:18,116
What are you doing here?
148
00:07:18,441 --> 00:07:21,669
Well, I, uh... I just walked
out of an office that says
149
00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:24,853
- "Professor Shivani" on the door, so...
- You work here.
150
00:07:25,403 --> 00:07:27,971
Are you interviewing me?
151
00:07:28,882 --> 00:07:31,208
Head of the department called in sick,
152
00:07:31,399 --> 00:07:33,811
or disinterested, or both.
153
00:07:34,730 --> 00:07:37,317
So, yep, I'm interviewing you.
154
00:07:39,991 --> 00:07:41,419
Ruby Shivani.
155
00:07:42,009 --> 00:07:44,216
Jack Trakarsky.
156
00:07:49,771 --> 00:07:52,001
So, what ever happened to the
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00:07:52,321 --> 00:07:55,385
skinny, Nordic-looking chick
you start dating immediately...
158
00:07:56,079 --> 00:07:59,196
- after...
- After you dumped me?
159
00:07:59,503 --> 00:08:01,168
[Laughs]
160
00:08:01,288 --> 00:08:04,308
Yeah. You ever see her?
161
00:08:04,795 --> 00:08:07,494
Occasionally. Here and there.
162
00:08:08,043 --> 00:08:11,248
Mainly 'cause I married
her about a decade ago.
163
00:08:11,315 --> 00:08:14,385
- No shit.
- Not an ounce of shit.
164
00:08:15,389 --> 00:08:16,822
Kids?
165
00:08:18,055 --> 00:08:20,586
That's been a trickier road.
166
00:08:20,754 --> 00:08:22,603
Sorry. I didn't mean to...
167
00:08:24,430 --> 00:08:26,472
What about you? What
about that ex-boyfriend
168
00:08:26,475 --> 00:08:28,541
that you got back together
with and then told me about
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00:08:28,563 --> 00:08:30,282
by text message?
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00:08:31,606 --> 00:08:35,966
That was such a dick move that
I have tried so hard to forget.
171
00:08:36,221 --> 00:08:38,618
Um, I married mine, too.
172
00:08:39,877 --> 00:08:42,073
- I'm not sensing a happy ending.
- [Chuckles]
173
00:08:42,637 --> 00:08:45,517
I wanted kids. He wasn't ready.
174
00:08:45,566 --> 00:08:48,245
Now he has two with someone else.
175
00:08:50,056 --> 00:08:51,998
Look, I'm not trying to make excuses,
176
00:08:52,022 --> 00:08:54,357
but I could tell that your
parents didn't like me.
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00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:57,443
I always wondered,
was it an ethnic thing?
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00:08:57,508 --> 00:08:59,417
Oh, yeah, 'cause you're so Third World,
179
00:08:59,537 --> 00:09:01,630
and my dynastic fox-hunting family
180
00:09:01,652 --> 00:09:03,902
would've never accepted you
as anything but the maid?
181
00:09:04,092 --> 00:09:06,566
You did manage to find
a chick whiter than you.
182
00:09:07,395 --> 00:09:08,767
That's fair.
183
00:09:08,887 --> 00:09:11,262
Sometimes our photos look
like they came with the frames.
184
00:09:11,284 --> 00:09:13,095
[Laughs]
185
00:09:15,416 --> 00:09:17,179
It wasn't an "ethic thing." It was a
186
00:09:17,238 --> 00:09:20,146
"prissy-self-involved
thing," to quote my mother.
187
00:09:21,786 --> 00:09:23,845
Yeah. I... I do that when I'm nervous.
188
00:09:29,957 --> 00:09:31,183
Look...
189
00:09:32,268 --> 00:09:33,397
I'm sorry.
190
00:09:41,405 --> 00:09:46,338
Antioxidants, Omega-3, Spirulina
and alkaline, all in one bottle?
191
00:09:46,382 --> 00:09:47,836
I have no clue what
any of those things are,
192
00:09:47,846 --> 00:09:49,669
yet I'm convinced I
can't live without them.
193
00:09:50,081 --> 00:09:51,296
So,
194
00:09:51,670 --> 00:09:54,680
as they say, about last night?
195
00:09:55,570 --> 00:09:57,256
Get over it. It wasn't that bad.
196
00:09:57,288 --> 00:09:59,876
It was that bad with a
dollop of shit on top.
197
00:09:59,881 --> 00:10:02,972
Not sure what was cringier,
you and Izzy publicly vacuuming
198
00:10:02,989 --> 00:10:05,782
each other's mouths or
Jack awkwardly watching it.
199
00:10:05,830 --> 00:10:08,310
It's not like he's never
seen us kiss before.
200
00:10:08,917 --> 00:10:10,908
Well, the untrained eye
might mistake you two for
201
00:10:10,924 --> 00:10:14,412
a couple of full-blooded
lesbians, not bisexuals.
202
00:10:14,412 --> 00:10:18,178
Well, when I'm with a girl, how
can anyone make that distinction?
203
00:10:18,298 --> 00:10:21,445
What, should I wear
a bisexual I.D. badge?
204
00:10:23,507 --> 00:10:24,951
Are you kidding me?
205
00:10:25,071 --> 00:10:26,687
You're kidding me, right?
206
00:10:27,785 --> 00:10:30,870
After almost a decade of marriage
to the love of my life and...
207
00:10:30,917 --> 00:10:33,460
- and you're wondering...
- I'm wondering because Jack's wondering.
208
00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:35,291
[Sighs]
209
00:10:35,304 --> 00:10:37,995
We're in love. All three of us.
210
00:10:38,062 --> 00:10:41,823
- Why... why can't you just...
- Who are you pitching this to, me or you?
211
00:10:41,857 --> 00:10:44,108
Or were you practicing for Jack?
212
00:10:44,155 --> 00:10:47,377
- Aren't you the sanctimonious...
- Whoa, whoa. That's an open wound.
213
00:10:47,410 --> 00:10:48,955
Let's just...
214
00:10:49,151 --> 00:10:51,494
stick to your mess for
now and we'll circle back
215
00:10:51,504 --> 00:10:54,025
to my Crisis of Cool.
216
00:10:55,741 --> 00:10:57,222
What'd he say?
217
00:10:58,219 --> 00:11:00,346
He and Dave were discussing how fast
218
00:11:00,362 --> 00:11:01,967
you remembered how to ride that bike.
219
00:11:01,972 --> 00:11:03,475
- The bike being...
- Yeah, no, I get it.
220
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:05,489
- Vagina. The bike's a vagina.
- Carm, I get it.
221
00:11:05,958 --> 00:11:09,451
- It's my job, Em. You know that.
- Well, you're fired.
222
00:11:09,706 --> 00:11:11,219
Doesn't work that way.
223
00:11:13,285 --> 00:11:16,029
As far as that uncool thing
goes, you know, maybe...
224
00:11:16,083 --> 00:11:18,199
maybe you should start
a support group...
225
00:11:18,319 --> 00:11:19,647
with Lori.
226
00:11:20,612 --> 00:11:23,091
I... I'm gonna count to 10,
227
00:11:23,129 --> 00:11:25,380
and then I'm gonna throw
this murky shit at your head.
228
00:11:25,407 --> 00:11:28,575
So, if I were you, I would try
to achieve maximum distance.
229
00:11:28,591 --> 00:11:30,767
- Yeah. You wouldn't.
- One,
230
00:11:30,977 --> 00:11:33,296
two, three-four-five...
231
00:11:34,685 --> 00:11:37,994
You're just luck this
grainy-ass piss is so expensive.
232
00:11:39,858 --> 00:11:42,034
Oh, God. That's just fucking awful!
233
00:11:42,154 --> 00:11:44,739
Now, Emma wants to quit her job, too.
234
00:11:45,838 --> 00:11:48,753
So, basically, you two are
going white-people crazy
235
00:11:48,780 --> 00:11:52,703
- because you can't make babies.
- [Scoffs] I would love to deny that.
236
00:11:53,442 --> 00:11:55,326
Well, I'm a professional, Jack,
237
00:11:55,446 --> 00:11:59,358
which is how I know you really
don't want to be a college professor.
238
00:12:00,334 --> 00:12:01,820
What do you want to do?
239
00:12:01,940 --> 00:12:03,333
[Sighs deeply]
240
00:12:03,453 --> 00:12:05,627
I just want to help as
many kids as possible get
241
00:12:05,888 --> 00:12:08,686
safely and sanely to
the other side of 18.
242
00:12:11,979 --> 00:12:15,027
I'm starting to think I want
the job I walked away from.
243
00:12:15,737 --> 00:12:17,359
Or some version of that.
244
00:12:19,441 --> 00:12:21,193
Oh, shit. I got a thing.
245
00:12:21,215 --> 00:12:23,439
Um, can I see you again?
246
00:12:23,477 --> 00:12:25,575
Like, just for coffee or something?
247
00:12:27,237 --> 00:12:28,596
Confession?
248
00:12:29,622 --> 00:12:31,016
Okay.
249
00:12:31,385 --> 00:12:34,802
I had created this kind of
dark fantasy in my mind about
250
00:12:34,845 --> 00:12:36,722
what it would be like if we
ever saw each other again.
251
00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:39,098
[Laughs] How did it measure up?
252
00:12:39,309 --> 00:12:40,720
Is divorced enough for you?
253
00:12:40,736 --> 00:12:43,372
Oh, did I mention, I'm
on, like, 11 dating sites?
254
00:12:43,492 --> 00:12:45,596
Hmm. You could've had the
common decency to at least
255
00:12:45,645 --> 00:12:48,959
be morbidly obese,
or have terrible skin,
256
00:12:48,993 --> 00:12:51,583
- or peg leg due to diabetes.
- Sorry.
257
00:13:03,412 --> 00:13:05,603
I forgave you a long time ago.
258
00:13:14,964 --> 00:13:16,900
Thanks. Bye.
259
00:13:21,625 --> 00:13:23,227
[Indistinct conversations]
260
00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:31,505
- Professor Shivani?
- Yeah.
261
00:13:31,625 --> 00:13:33,050
She's hot.
262
00:13:33,349 --> 00:13:34,792
She is.
263
00:13:35,009 --> 00:13:37,186
You thinking about bringing
her in the mix, too?
264
00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:40,812
Andy.
265
00:13:40,853 --> 00:13:42,392
Yep.
266
00:13:42,724 --> 00:13:44,927
- Who knows Izzy.
- Yep.
267
00:13:46,501 --> 00:13:48,623
Just to explain this,
268
00:13:48,650 --> 00:13:51,314
we were friends, like
a million years ago.
269
00:13:51,335 --> 00:13:53,490
- Really good friends, Ruby and I.
- Got it.
270
00:13:55,714 --> 00:13:57,074
Yeah?
271
00:13:57,194 --> 00:13:59,673
All right, fine. She was my ex.
272
00:13:59,793 --> 00:14:01,822
- Okay.
- My ex-girlfriend before Emma.
273
00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:03,734
Can we keep this between us?
274
00:14:03,854 --> 00:14:05,768
If you ran into an old flame, I mean,
275
00:14:05,803 --> 00:14:07,471
why do you got to keep that a secret?
276
00:14:07,788 --> 00:14:09,008
And you're right about... yeah.
277
00:14:09,036 --> 00:14:11,869
Can we also keep that between
us, the fact that I asked you
278
00:14:12,276 --> 00:14:15,583
- to keep it between us?
- Here's my deal, okay?
279
00:14:15,909 --> 00:14:17,570
You buy lunch,
280
00:14:18,044 --> 00:14:20,166
one hour of free counseling,
281
00:14:20,551 --> 00:14:24,132
and I never saw you, uh,
mooning after your ex.
282
00:14:24,349 --> 00:14:26,559
Fine. [Sighs]
283
00:14:26,986 --> 00:14:29,650
Why does everyone keep
blackmailing me these days?
284
00:14:29,884 --> 00:14:32,579
You're going through some very
strange shit, ain't you, Uncle Jack?
285
00:14:32,652 --> 00:14:35,872
I am. Yeah. I am going
through some tough stuff. Yeah.
286
00:14:38,619 --> 00:14:39,465
Look,
287
00:14:39,925 --> 00:14:42,381
I'm getting this vibe like Nina's...
288
00:14:43,331 --> 00:14:47,240
holding back, playing it cool, you know?
289
00:14:47,874 --> 00:14:49,514
So, scary Nina?
290
00:14:49,557 --> 00:14:53,436
- Really? That's what we're talking about?
- Yeah. Scary Nina. Really.
291
00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:57,244
Okay. You're serious about her?
292
00:14:57,439 --> 00:14:59,787
Yeah. I know it's fast, but
293
00:14:59,907 --> 00:15:01,268
it's like I snapped out of this coma
294
00:15:01,301 --> 00:15:03,258
and she was the first face that I saw.
295
00:15:03,378 --> 00:15:04,630
Aww.
296
00:15:04,901 --> 00:15:07,109
- Bro.
- Sorry.
297
00:15:07,174 --> 00:15:09,751
I'm guessing that Nina is
298
00:15:09,784 --> 00:15:12,263
scary because she's scared.
299
00:15:13,131 --> 00:15:16,108
Listen to that man. That
is some profound shit.
300
00:15:16,157 --> 00:15:17,730
So, you got to hold her close, man.
301
00:15:17,768 --> 00:15:19,514
Got to hold her real tight, like a...
302
00:15:19,981 --> 00:15:21,614
autism blanket,
303
00:15:22,412 --> 00:15:26,348
until the spasms and the fits subside.
304
00:15:26,609 --> 00:15:28,735
- And then we're good?
- No.
305
00:15:28,990 --> 00:15:31,527
Then she'll have even
more fits and more spasms.
306
00:15:31,570 --> 00:15:33,159
That's fuckin' awful.
307
00:15:33,474 --> 00:15:34,716
Mm.
308
00:15:35,540 --> 00:15:36,798
But then, at the end of that,
309
00:15:36,814 --> 00:15:38,826
at least she'll finally believe in you.
310
00:15:39,705 --> 00:15:41,652
Anyway, that's what
you're signing up for.
311
00:15:42,753 --> 00:15:46,131
[Laughs] That is so fucking good,
312
00:15:46,170 --> 00:15:48,154
- I'm gonna... Can I use that?
- [Phone rings]
313
00:15:49,059 --> 00:15:50,789
So, we got autism,
314
00:15:50,811 --> 00:15:54,613
- fits, persistence, right?
- Looks like you got it.
315
00:15:54,987 --> 00:15:56,164
Hello?
316
00:15:57,471 --> 00:16:00,476
Ruby. No. I'm actually
just a few blocks away. Why?
317
00:16:01,718 --> 00:16:03,155
Sure. I'll be right there.
318
00:16:03,736 --> 00:16:05,374
[Beeps] I got to run.
319
00:16:05,406 --> 00:16:07,099
You're making this really
rough on me, Uncle Jack.
320
00:16:07,219 --> 00:16:08,758
- What're you talking about?
- What am I talking about?
321
00:16:08,769 --> 00:16:09,946
I'm talking about you.
322
00:16:10,017 --> 00:16:11,416
Professor Shivani.
323
00:16:11,687 --> 00:16:13,260
- That was serious, right?
- No.
324
00:16:13,292 --> 00:16:14,784
- Yes.
- You got it all wrong, man.
325
00:16:14,822 --> 00:16:15,804
The road not taken.
326
00:16:16,053 --> 00:16:18,282
No. There's nothing.
327
00:16:18,657 --> 00:16:19,850
- It's nothing going on.
- You sure?
328
00:16:19,926 --> 00:16:23,467
Yes, I'm sure. Fuckin'-A.
I can't just walk and...
329
00:16:23,499 --> 00:16:25,724
- Just calm down.
- Just get accusations thrown left and right.
330
00:16:25,740 --> 00:16:26,841
There's nothing going on.
331
00:16:26,961 --> 00:16:28,018
Fuck!
332
00:16:30,833 --> 00:16:32,894
But, um, I was never here.
333
00:16:33,941 --> 00:16:35,356
This never happened.
334
00:16:36,983 --> 00:16:38,569
- Right?
- Sure.
335
00:16:38,969 --> 00:16:40,357
Do I need a receipt or...
336
00:16:40,704 --> 00:16:41,936
We don't do receipts.
337
00:16:42,109 --> 00:16:43,683
Okay, don't leave my tab open.
338
00:16:47,506 --> 00:16:49,371
I left his tab open.
339
00:16:49,822 --> 00:16:51,015
My man.
340
00:16:51,768 --> 00:16:54,972
♪
341
00:16:59,643 --> 00:17:02,839
So, how would you
feel about helping kids
342
00:17:02,866 --> 00:17:06,093
get to the other side
of 21 instead of 18?
343
00:17:08,572 --> 00:17:11,902
Like, counseling for Griffin students?
344
00:17:12,363 --> 00:17:13,920
Like a wellness center.
345
00:17:14,489 --> 00:17:16,604
What an amazing idea.
346
00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:19,164
You are so smart, Jack.
347
00:17:20,352 --> 00:17:22,955
All kidding aside, I really
wish women still did that.
348
00:17:23,015 --> 00:17:25,493
- Well, we don't, so get over it.
- Okay.
349
00:17:27,478 --> 00:17:31,695
This is probably me making this
unnecessarily weird, but, um...
350
00:17:33,626 --> 00:17:36,571
you ever think about me
over the last dozen years?
351
00:17:36,620 --> 00:17:39,104
- Um...
- Oh, God. That was so stupid.
352
00:17:39,149 --> 00:17:40,449
- I'm sorry. Yeah, no.
- No.
353
00:17:40,466 --> 00:17:42,819
- That...
- Rewind. Erase. Look, I got to go,
354
00:17:43,270 --> 00:17:46,654
- so, I will call you and...
- Your watch is on the other wrist,
355
00:17:46,714 --> 00:17:48,417
by the way.
356
00:17:48,953 --> 00:17:50,325
And yes.
357
00:17:50,543 --> 00:17:52,750
Yeah, of course I've thought of you.
358
00:18:00,138 --> 00:18:03,387
- I'll call you about the wellness center.
- Cool.
359
00:18:03,507 --> 00:18:04,460
- Cool.
- Yeah.
360
00:18:04,504 --> 00:18:05,502
Okay.
361
00:18:11,451 --> 00:18:14,310
We need you guys to know this
was not an easy call for me.
362
00:18:14,586 --> 00:18:16,245
Are you fucking kidding
me right now, Andy?
363
00:18:16,267 --> 00:18:17,780
You barely know Uncle Jack.
364
00:18:19,787 --> 00:18:22,385
It's not even really like
he was doing anything wrong.
365
00:18:22,781 --> 00:18:25,542
You know, it's not like they
were making out or something.
366
00:18:25,553 --> 00:18:27,642
Okay, if it was all so inconsequential,
367
00:18:27,762 --> 00:18:29,740
why the fuck are you telling us?
368
00:18:31,833 --> 00:18:34,013
- Answer the girl.
- [Sighs]
369
00:18:34,078 --> 00:18:35,754
Okay, um...
370
00:18:36,676 --> 00:18:40,196
Because it... She
didn't seem like an ex.
371
00:18:41,237 --> 00:18:43,510
She seemed like the ex.
372
00:18:43,895 --> 00:18:45,543
The one that got away.
373
00:18:47,382 --> 00:18:49,563
Why else would he tell
me not to say anything?
374
00:18:50,398 --> 00:18:51,954
- Oh, fuck.
- Yeah.
375
00:18:51,976 --> 00:18:54,258
- It's okay.
- Why would he do this?
376
00:18:54,443 --> 00:18:56,932
Because he's insecure about his place
377
00:18:56,965 --> 00:18:59,134
in this wacky new relationship.
378
00:19:00,224 --> 00:19:01,542
Because men?
379
00:19:01,597 --> 00:19:02,898
Oh, nice.
380
00:19:02,926 --> 00:19:05,854
What would happen if I said,
"because women" about anything?
381
00:19:05,882 --> 00:19:08,495
Maybe some day, when
we're all squared up, okay?
382
00:19:10,008 --> 00:19:11,300
It feels fragile.
383
00:19:12,097 --> 00:19:13,502
The three of us.
384
00:19:13,795 --> 00:19:17,085
- So shocking. Ow!
- Stop. Do not hit me back.
385
00:19:17,112 --> 00:19:19,590
I have to think.
386
00:19:19,613 --> 00:19:21,132
[Sighs]
387
00:19:21,342 --> 00:19:23,247
I have to do something.
388
00:19:23,314 --> 00:19:26,784
♪
389
00:19:30,875 --> 00:19:31,939
Thanks.
390
00:19:31,989 --> 00:19:33,524
You're welcome, have a good night.
391
00:19:33,591 --> 00:19:36,233
- Thank you.
- Hey. Hey!
392
00:19:36,353 --> 00:19:38,678
- Hey, honey, check this out.
- No, I don't care
393
00:19:38,699 --> 00:19:40,033
if Izzy just fucked a
giraffe in the street.
394
00:19:40,064 --> 00:19:41,081
We're not doing that anymore,
395
00:19:41,097 --> 00:19:43,093
- the whole looking out the window thing.
- But it's really addictive.
396
00:19:43,093 --> 00:19:44,357
Okay, we are gonna be
397
00:19:44,363 --> 00:19:46,342
the very cool stars of
our own very cool movie,
398
00:19:46,380 --> 00:19:48,333
starting right now,
this second. Understand?
399
00:19:48,697 --> 00:19:49,825
Absolutely.
400
00:19:50,074 --> 00:19:51,561
- Okay.
- Are you okay?
401
00:19:53,551 --> 00:19:55,308
I just really...
402
00:19:56,106 --> 00:19:57,847
really want to be cool again, Dave.
403
00:20:08,163 --> 00:20:09,356
Okay.
404
00:20:10,582 --> 00:20:11,992
It's just that...
405
00:20:13,690 --> 00:20:16,341
people like us, at our advanced age,
406
00:20:16,352 --> 00:20:20,050
consciously deciding to be
cool, that's perilous terrain.
407
00:20:20,294 --> 00:20:21,732
It's thin ice.
408
00:20:21,797 --> 00:20:24,193
We don't want to end up with
dragons on our asses, you know?
409
00:20:24,231 --> 00:20:25,999
No fucking clue what that means.
410
00:20:26,482 --> 00:20:29,390
You know those stupid
$300-a-pair jeans they make
411
00:20:29,406 --> 00:20:32,747
just so people like us
can embarrass ourselves?
412
00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:35,052
So, no pink highlights?
413
00:20:35,795 --> 00:20:37,672
- I mean, you're Asian, so that's...
- Right.
414
00:20:37,699 --> 00:20:40,216
- Human animé. Walking cliché.
- Yeah.
415
00:20:41,864 --> 00:20:44,674
So, what are we gonna do then?
416
00:20:47,658 --> 00:20:51,048
Don't react right away.
Let it wash over you.
417
00:20:51,097 --> 00:20:52,019
Okay.
418
00:20:52,621 --> 00:20:53,820
Bring it.
419
00:20:54,272 --> 00:20:55,632
Three words.
420
00:20:55,849 --> 00:20:57,509
No. Four words...
421
00:20:57,693 --> 00:21:01,978
Suburban... Internet...
Sextape... Scandal.
422
00:21:02,683 --> 00:21:05,287
I think that's five words. Is
"sex tape" one word or two words?
423
00:21:05,317 --> 00:21:07,899
Suburban Internet
sex-tape scandal. I'm...
424
00:21:08,411 --> 00:21:10,733
I'm kidding, obviously.
Right, that's clear?
425
00:21:10,759 --> 00:21:12,099
- I'm clear that I'm obviously kidding?
- No, no, no. No, no,
426
00:21:12,108 --> 00:21:14,097
no, no. No. We're desperate. I...
427
00:21:14,483 --> 00:21:15,982
I don't hate it.
428
00:21:16,361 --> 00:21:18,138
Exactly.
429
00:21:19,311 --> 00:21:22,681
Ahh, pizza, wine, weed.
430
00:21:24,722 --> 00:21:27,571
[Sighs] This whole thing is amazing, Iz.
431
00:21:27,638 --> 00:21:29,106
Thanks.
432
00:21:29,393 --> 00:21:30,858
Yeah, look at you.
433
00:21:30,899 --> 00:21:33,461
Lipstick, heels, the whole nine.
434
00:21:33,468 --> 00:21:36,274
- [Laughs]
- You look super hot.
435
00:21:37,101 --> 00:21:38,728
Thanks.
436
00:21:38,983 --> 00:21:41,149
So tell me about your day, honies.
437
00:21:41,583 --> 00:21:43,596
- Well...
- No. Jack first.
438
00:21:45,305 --> 00:21:46,993
Oh, shit!
439
00:21:47,113 --> 00:21:49,794
Your interview. I... I totally forgot.
440
00:21:49,860 --> 00:21:53,139
- How'd it go?
- It was fine.
441
00:21:53,634 --> 00:21:54,989
Good.
442
00:21:55,733 --> 00:21:57,533
Nothing special.
443
00:21:57,865 --> 00:22:00,834
That's it? Just "fine-good"?
444
00:22:01,526 --> 00:22:03,003
Nothing else?
445
00:22:03,932 --> 00:22:05,797
No surprises?
446
00:22:08,366 --> 00:22:10,149
Fucking Andy.
447
00:22:10,269 --> 00:22:11,905
Like he had a choice.
448
00:22:12,142 --> 00:22:14,197
Someone fill me in on what's going on.
449
00:22:14,434 --> 00:22:18,197
- Jack's interviewer was Ruby Shivani.
- Yeah.
450
00:22:18,210 --> 00:22:19,644
- Ruby Shivani?
- Mm-hmm.
451
00:22:19,650 --> 00:22:21,255
Your last girlfriend before me?
452
00:22:21,721 --> 00:22:23,604
- Yeah.
- Huh. What are the odds?
453
00:22:24,667 --> 00:22:26,874
Why didn't you... why wouldn't you...
454
00:22:30,540 --> 00:22:31,972
Shit, Jack.
455
00:22:32,385 --> 00:22:33,914
Not telling me tells me a lot.
456
00:22:33,984 --> 00:22:36,647
No. I just knew you guys
would twist it into something
457
00:22:36,669 --> 00:22:38,372
that it absolutely
wasn't, which is exactly
458
00:22:38,394 --> 00:22:40,540
- what's happening right now.
- Watch him closely, Em.
459
00:22:40,573 --> 00:22:41,810
- You know his tells.
- No.
460
00:22:41,826 --> 00:22:44,723
- Yeah, they're not complicated.
- All right. Is she single?
461
00:22:45,108 --> 00:22:48,021
Andy said you met up with
her a second time. Why?
462
00:22:48,206 --> 00:22:49,491
Did you flirt with her?
463
00:22:49,611 --> 00:22:51,168
[Sighs]
464
00:22:51,466 --> 00:22:53,424
I mean, maybe subtextually.
465
00:22:53,598 --> 00:22:55,442
"Subtextually?" What the
fuck does that even mean?
466
00:22:55,562 --> 00:22:58,940
There's always a subtle undercurrent.
467
00:22:59,558 --> 00:23:02,032
I don't know. I'm just
trying to hyper-honest
468
00:23:02,048 --> 00:23:04,342
with you guys right now
because I'm super high,
469
00:23:04,462 --> 00:23:06,311
you're being pretty
fucking intimidating.
470
00:23:06,371 --> 00:23:08,220
Why would you even do this?
471
00:23:08,263 --> 00:23:09,804
Because men.
472
00:23:10,878 --> 00:23:14,126
You're sexually involved with
two women for fuck's sakes!
473
00:23:14,246 --> 00:23:16,962
How much female approval
can one man require?
474
00:23:17,082 --> 00:23:19,083
- Oh, okay. You really want to fucking go there?
- Yeah!
475
00:23:19,203 --> 00:23:20,845
- You really want to do this right now?
- Yeah. Yeah.
476
00:23:20,877 --> 00:23:23,133
- I really want to fucking do this.
- I fucking do, too.
477
00:23:23,149 --> 00:23:24,305
Are you gonna finally be honest?
478
00:23:24,332 --> 00:23:25,742
Are you gonna finally say
what you fucking think?
479
00:23:25,775 --> 00:23:26,929
- All right. Here it is.
- Let's hear it.
480
00:23:26,956 --> 00:23:29,262
You guys have been
third-wheeling the shit out of me!
481
00:23:29,522 --> 00:23:31,355
- Ka-fucking-blam!
- Okay.
482
00:23:31,366 --> 00:23:33,280
Okay, just let me get this straight. So,
483
00:23:33,307 --> 00:23:36,263
you get to "undercurrent"
all over your primary ex
484
00:23:36,306 --> 00:23:40,435
because you've decided that
I'm not fluid, I'm a lesbian?
485
00:23:41,612 --> 00:23:44,508
That's right. Jack told the
Amaris I might be full-blown gay.
486
00:23:44,535 --> 00:23:45,771
That's not at all what I said.
487
00:23:45,831 --> 00:23:48,385
So, I guess that means that
you've decided for me too?
488
00:23:48,505 --> 00:23:51,308
Are you the official Minister
of Sexual Orientation?
489
00:23:51,428 --> 00:23:54,188
- Congratulations.
- You know what? Fuck you, Jack.
490
00:23:54,611 --> 00:23:57,091
Fuck you and your
fragile, little male ego.
491
00:23:57,139 --> 00:23:58,533
- Really? That's how it is?
- Yeah.
492
00:23:58,549 --> 00:24:01,033
Okay, well, fuck you for
making massive life decisions
493
00:24:01,049 --> 00:24:02,704
completely on your own
that affect both of us.
494
00:24:02,752 --> 00:24:05,036
- Is that... is that me?
- Um...
495
00:24:05,062 --> 00:24:06,597
Are you talking about me?
496
00:24:07,580 --> 00:24:10,269
Well, then, fuck you
both for chasing me down
497
00:24:10,275 --> 00:24:13,090
half-cocked, you
matching set of dumbshits!
498
00:24:13,317 --> 00:24:15,101
We should've thought it
through more. That was...
499
00:24:15,128 --> 00:24:17,482
- Yeah.
- That was on both of us.
500
00:24:25,651 --> 00:24:26,860
This is good,
501
00:24:26,882 --> 00:24:28,910
because we're throwing all of our shit
502
00:24:28,943 --> 00:24:31,198
on the table to flop
around where we can see it.
503
00:24:31,383 --> 00:24:34,089
But why would shit be flopping around?
504
00:24:34,127 --> 00:24:36,796
- Yeah. It probably should've been fish.
- The...
505
00:24:37,333 --> 00:24:38,754
Then it's a fish.
506
00:24:38,803 --> 00:24:40,424
The point is,
507
00:24:40,544 --> 00:24:42,860
is that we knew this
wasn't gonna be easy.
508
00:24:45,989 --> 00:24:47,236
Right.
509
00:24:48,397 --> 00:24:50,913
I'm sorry for making you
feel like the odd man out.
510
00:24:52,664 --> 00:24:54,069
Me, too.
511
00:24:56,992 --> 00:25:01,606
And I'm sorry for keeping the
"girl-girl-girl" thing from you.
512
00:25:02,386 --> 00:25:04,753
I know that's a big part
of what you're feeling.
513
00:25:07,445 --> 00:25:09,248
Well, I'm sorry if I
514
00:25:09,994 --> 00:25:12,590
"subtextually" acted out instead of just
515
00:25:12,710 --> 00:25:14,515
talking to you guys about it.
516
00:25:15,973 --> 00:25:17,458
This is good.
517
00:25:18,163 --> 00:25:20,081
We've done good work here.
518
00:25:21,193 --> 00:25:22,916
And now we're gonna have sex.
519
00:25:24,361 --> 00:25:28,008
- Well, that was a sharp turn.
- Mm, yep. We're gonna fuck it out.
520
00:25:28,128 --> 00:25:30,626
I think the term is "hug
it out," right, Jack?
521
00:25:30,746 --> 00:25:34,063
You guys are more than
welcome to keep talking, but
522
00:25:34,870 --> 00:25:36,206
I'm gonna go
523
00:25:37,236 --> 00:25:39,128
back up to the bedroom,
524
00:25:39,248 --> 00:25:41,331
and I'll leave this dress here.
525
00:25:41,528 --> 00:25:43,426
But I can keep the heels on.
526
00:25:47,046 --> 00:25:48,694
So 26.
527
00:25:49,650 --> 00:25:52,266
- "Fuck it out."
- You think that's gonna work?
528
00:25:52,386 --> 00:25:53,907
[Sighs]
529
00:25:54,178 --> 00:25:55,846
Okay, so I'm good.
530
00:25:55,901 --> 00:25:57,907
Hmm. Me, too.
531
00:25:58,287 --> 00:25:59,874
Told you.
532
00:26:00,644 --> 00:26:01,792
Mm.
533
00:26:02,193 --> 00:26:04,915
♪
534
00:26:11,949 --> 00:26:14,362
So, apparently, "Fuck it
out" doesn't actually work
535
00:26:14,403 --> 00:26:16,044
for suburban 30-somethings.
536
00:26:16,098 --> 00:26:18,132
Good thing, because
I'd be out of business.
537
00:26:18,252 --> 00:26:20,586
[Laughs]
538
00:26:22,666 --> 00:26:24,586
[Clears throat] Sorry.
539
00:26:24,817 --> 00:26:28,065
♪ Never thought about the
way I would be treated ♪
540
00:26:28,072 --> 00:26:30,994
♪ Never thought about how
to pick up the pieces ♪
541
00:26:31,035 --> 00:26:33,889
♪ Doesn't take long, now I move on ♪
542
00:26:33,930 --> 00:26:36,120
♪ At least then I know ♪
543
00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:39,117
♪ Walk away, baby, we'll take you out ♪
544
00:26:39,237 --> 00:26:42,133
♪ Well, she keeps running her mouth ♪
545
00:26:42,194 --> 00:26:45,110
♪ Snap, she's facing
the one she breaks ♪
546
00:26:45,144 --> 00:26:47,259
♪ Sort of figure it out ♪
547
00:26:47,379 --> 00:26:50,608
♪ They can't blame it all on you ♪
548
00:26:50,662 --> 00:26:53,225
♪ You've been acting up a fool ♪
549
00:26:53,225 --> 00:26:56,608
♪ But I keep spending time on you ♪
550
00:26:56,614 --> 00:26:59,252
♪ Ah-ah-ah, oh-oh-oh ♪
551
00:26:59,293 --> 00:27:02,771
♪ You're the only one whose
money I'll be sendin' ♪
552
00:27:03,353 --> 00:27:08,421
- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
40695
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