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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:18,080 Ladies and gentlemen! 2 00:00:18,160 --> 00:00:20,320 The president of Ukraine! 3 00:00:22,920 --> 00:00:24,240 Then the trumpets play. 4 00:00:32,040 --> 00:00:33,240 -Vasyl Petrovych. -Yes? 5 00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:35,800 You're still seated. Get out of the limo. 6 00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:36,800 -Stand here. -Yes. 7 00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:37,680 Feet straight. 8 00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:40,600 Close your eyes. Now open them. That's better. 9 00:00:40,680 --> 00:00:42,000 Let's go. Go, go! 10 00:00:42,080 --> 00:00:44,480 The honor guard commander will greet you here. 11 00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:47,240 Dear Mr President... Blah-blah-blah. Shake his hand. 12 00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:49,320 Shake it, shake it. Great. Keep going. 13 00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:52,280 No slouching. Walk gracefully, and chin up higher. 14 00:00:52,360 --> 00:00:55,200 Smile. The usual, light presidential walk. 15 00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:57,960 -I won't be able to. -You can do it. We'll make sure of it. 16 00:00:58,040 --> 00:00:59,040 Mind the steps. 17 00:00:59,120 --> 00:01:01,160 -Three steps. Just like tomorrow. -Sure. 18 00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:03,320 Naval cadets. Real lookers! 19 00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:05,239 Don't forget to faint tomorrow. 20 00:01:05,319 --> 00:01:06,960 Chin higher and no slouching. 21 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:10,440 -And stop here. Wonderful. Smile. -Oh, right. 22 00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:12,720 Chin higher. And more. 23 00:01:12,800 --> 00:01:13,720 Wow. 24 00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:15,800 -The chandelier? A beauty. -Awesome. 25 00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:17,440 -Eight million euros. -Really? 26 00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:20,440 -The first president got it at auction. -Suburbia. 27 00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:22,360 How about breakfast? 28 00:01:22,840 --> 00:01:24,320 Thanks, but I'm not hungry. 29 00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:26,040 Suit yourself. I'm digging in. 30 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:29,640 -Later. And then we climb the stairs. -Yes. 31 00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:32,840 Guardsmen will stand here tomorrow. Smile and walk straight. 32 00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:35,680 Along the marble steps. They're Italian. And antique. 33 00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:38,000 Marie Antoinette climbed them, as well. 34 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:39,640 -Where to? -To the guillotine. 35 00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:43,560 By the way, the chandelier used to be silver, but now it's gold. 36 00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:45,600 -Remember the crash in 2008? -Sure. 37 00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:47,280 -There it is. -Right. 38 00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:49,920 -Now back upright, inhale, exhale. -I'm breathing. 39 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:52,720 -Actually, that's easy. -Seven filtration levels. 40 00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:53,600 -Really? -Yes. 41 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:55,280 -Obama has six. -Interesting. 42 00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:57,320 Your predecessor liked symbolism. 43 00:01:57,400 --> 00:01:59,800 -Wow. -A birdie. Yanukovich! 44 00:01:59,880 --> 00:02:00,880 You swallow! 45 00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:02,800 -It talks. -It does. 46 00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:06,320 Moving on... And stop here. Stand on the endangered-species book. 47 00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:09,039 -The what? -It's made of 17 rare tree species. 48 00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:11,240 -Really? -Yes. Now to the balcony. 49 00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:13,120 -This way? -Yes, enter the balcony. 50 00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:17,160 Here are the guests and members of Parliament. Wave. Wave your hand. 51 00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:18,560 Bless them. 52 00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:20,640 A by-product of the old job. 53 00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:22,600 -Close your eyes. Now open them. -Yes. 54 00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:24,400 That's definitely better. 55 00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:28,720 PRESIDENTIAL ADMINISTRATION OF UKRAINE 56 00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:48,440 -The guardsmen open the door. -Okay. 57 00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:51,160 Trumpets blow, there's applause, and then you enter! 58 00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:53,480 The camera flashes for 20 seconds. It's easy. 59 00:03:53,560 --> 00:03:55,640 -Smile. Keep smiling. -Right. 60 00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:58,720 We'll work on your smile later. And now approach the rostrum. 61 00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:00,080 Here we are. 62 00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:02,720 -Mr President. -Yes? 63 00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:04,680 Which one of us is the president? 64 00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:06,200 -I am. -Exactly. 65 00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:08,200 Then, perhaps, face the auditorium? 66 00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:10,440 -Let's switch places! -I'm nervous. 67 00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:13,120 Approach the rostrum and read the speech. 68 00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:15,160 Oh, the speech. Alright. 69 00:04:18,519 --> 00:04:20,680 My fellow countrymen... 70 00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:22,200 -My fellow... -Never mind. 71 00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:23,880 Sorry, my mistake. 72 00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:25,760 We need to stretch your vocal range. 73 00:04:25,840 --> 00:04:28,800 For starters, try: "bda, bdi, bdo, bdu!" 74 00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:31,440 -Bda, bdi, bdo, bdu. -Outstanding. 75 00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:33,640 -Bda, bdi, bdo... -Now a tongue twister... 76 00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:35,000 Thus, 77 00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:38,160 the opposition tried lobbying, lobbied, and failed to lobby. 78 00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:39,200 As fast as that? 79 00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:43,360 The opposition tried lobbying, lobbied, and failed to lobby. 80 00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:45,800 -Walnuts. -No, thanks. 81 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:46,840 You must. 82 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:47,760 Why? 83 00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:53,840 The opposition tried lobbying, lobbied, failed to lobby. 84 00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:55,160 -I see. Good. -Okay. 85 00:04:56,840 --> 00:04:58,280 -Like the Greeks? -Yes. 86 00:04:59,280 --> 00:05:01,520 The opposition tried lobbying, lobbied, 87 00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:02,720 and failed to lobby. 88 00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:05,800 The opposition tried lobbying, lobbied, and failed to lobby. 89 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:06,840 -Superb. -Thanks. 90 00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:07,920 Now a harder one... 91 00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:11,520 There's a fisherman named Fisher, who fished in a fissure. 92 00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:14,080 Till a fish with a grin pulled the fisherman in. 93 00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:17,160 There's a fisherman named Fisher, who fished in a fissure. 94 00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:19,000 -Till a fish... -The fisherman in! 95 00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:21,120 Till a fish pulled the fisherman in. 96 00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:22,240 -Great. -Thank you. 97 00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:24,240 -Excellent. Now my favorite... -Okay. 98 00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:27,280 -Trotted Trump along the trail... -Then what? 99 00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:29,880 Nothing. We've stretched our vocals! 100 00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:31,560 Now let's read the speech. 101 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:33,160 I'll try. 102 00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:37,640 My fellow... 103 00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:42,440 Listen, could I say "dear Ukrainians" instead of "my fellow countrymen"? 104 00:05:43,280 --> 00:05:44,800 -It's more sincere. -Sure! 105 00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:49,360 Dear Ukrainians. 106 00:05:49,440 --> 00:05:51,480 Good. But no muttering under your breath. 107 00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:53,480 Right. Dear Ukrainians. 108 00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:55,040 Superb. A little louder. 109 00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:57,120 Dear Ukrainians! 110 00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:59,520 By the same token, there's no need to yell. 111 00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:00,640 Dear Ukrainians. 112 00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:01,920 That's too fast. 113 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:03,520 -Got it. -More measured. 114 00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:05,600 Dear... 115 00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:08,320 Ukrainians. 116 00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:10,800 Everybody has dozed off. 117 00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:14,320 There's no need for such dramatic pauses. Please, Mr President. 118 00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:16,320 Calmly, softer... 119 00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:17,720 See, he's nervous. 120 00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:19,760 -Pardon me. -Thanks, Yuriy Ivanovich. 121 00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:22,200 -You're welcome. -Start over, as if I'm not here. 122 00:06:22,280 --> 00:06:24,480 Okay. Ready, steady. Got it. 123 00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:26,560 Dear Ukrainians! 124 00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:29,280 A quarter of a century ago, 125 00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:31,360 we... started... 126 00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:32,880 No, please stop. Sorry. 127 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:33,960 Like this... 128 00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:35,920 Try it a few times with the nuts. 129 00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:38,840 Then the speech will flow like a song. Trust me on this one. 130 00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:40,800 Back straight, and smile. 131 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:43,720 You're on! Now the speech! 132 00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:46,160 Dear Ukrainians. 133 00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:48,760 Quarter of a... 134 00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:50,440 -A quarter! -A quarter. 135 00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:53,840 A quarter of a century ago, we started building... 136 00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:57,040 -Started! -Started building a new nation. 137 00:06:57,120 --> 00:06:58,640 -Nation. -Nation. 138 00:06:58,720 --> 00:06:59,640 -Nation. -Good! 139 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:02,160 -A new nation conceived... -Conceived! 140 00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:03,160 Conceived. 141 00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:05,200 Conceived in liberty 142 00:07:05,280 --> 00:07:08,880 and with a belief in equal rights for all citizens! 143 00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:11,880 -Great! Now just like a tongue twister... -Got it. 144 00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:13,160 Dear Ukrainians! 145 00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:14,520 A quarter of a century ago, 146 00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:18,480 we started building a new nation conceived in liberty 147 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:21,920 and with a belief in equal rights for all citizens. 148 00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:22,800 Splendid! 149 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:26,880 -No, not a bit. -Now what? 150 00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:31,640 Isn't this Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address of 1863? 151 00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:32,720 Really? 152 00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:35,480 That's actually great. Wonderful! 153 00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:39,040 Nobody here will notice, and Lincoln's homeland will praise it. 154 00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:40,760 You'll have to ask them for money. 155 00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:44,400 Then how about I use my own words? 156 00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:47,480 My dearest Vasyl Petrovych, hear me out. 157 00:07:47,560 --> 00:07:49,560 Trust in my lifelong experience. 158 00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:53,440 Any ad-libbing leads to Bushisms like, "They misunderestimated me." 159 00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:55,880 Therefore, let's keep to the text, please. 160 00:07:57,160 --> 00:07:57,960 Okay, then. 161 00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:05,160 Dear Ukrainians! 162 00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:14,160 Behold the matchmakers at your abode! 163 00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:16,440 To the bride of the household. 164 00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:20,880 Be disinclined to declining, and inclined toward accepting. 165 00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:22,440 Are you Jehovah's Witnesses? 166 00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:26,640 You have a product, we have a merchant. 167 00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:28,960 You've got a maiden, we've got a gentleman. 168 00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:31,960 -I don't understand. Who are you? -Slavik's parents. 169 00:08:32,039 --> 00:08:34,720 And we came to be matchmakers for your Natalya. 170 00:08:34,799 --> 00:08:37,919 We found a match for the maiden... 171 00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:38,880 Enough. 172 00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:41,360 Don't you know Slavik dumped her six months ago? 173 00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:43,240 Poor girl was more dead than alive. 174 00:08:43,799 --> 00:08:44,640 Come here. 175 00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:46,280 Say what you wanted to. 176 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:48,960 I made a mistake, Natasha. 177 00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:49,960 Louder! 178 00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:53,560 I made a huge mistake. Forgive me, please. 179 00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:55,440 Yeah, as if! 180 00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:58,400 -I'm begging you. -It's over, Slavik. Hit the road! 181 00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:00,040 Please, forgive him! 182 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:01,080 Excuse us. 183 00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:02,680 No, wait, please! 184 00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:04,960 But you have... 185 00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:07,800 one more unmarried dove available. 186 00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:12,040 We found a match for the maiden... 187 00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:14,400 Goodbye! 188 00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:17,280 Did you just see that? 189 00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:19,960 What's wrong? 190 00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:22,880 I'm waiting for someone like Prince Harry, 191 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,080 yet they're peddling that swamp creature! 192 00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:28,640 ...found a match for the maiden... 193 00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:30,680 Let's have breakfast. 194 00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:35,920 Okay, now is the most important part of the ceremony. 195 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:37,480 Accepting congratulations! 196 00:09:37,560 --> 00:09:38,720 -Yes. -Let's start. 197 00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:40,200 -What should I do? -Not much. 198 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,560 Smile, nod, and shake hands. 199 00:09:42,640 --> 00:09:45,760 Most importantly, say little to avoid apologizing a lot later. 200 00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:47,000 -Okay. -Have a seat. 201 00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:48,480 Ladies and gentlemen! 202 00:09:48,560 --> 00:09:51,880 The President of the United States, Barack Obama. 203 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:53,080 -Rise. -Okay. 204 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,200 Wow, is it him in person? 205 00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:01,240 Sorry, I don't understand you. 206 00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:04,760 Incidentally, why is Obama needed if he won't be attending? 207 00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:06,680 Understood. Kolya, go home. 208 00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:07,840 Bears no resemblance! 209 00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:11,640 I agree. We just wanted to be close to reality. Be seated. 210 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:13,360 Ladies and gentlemen! 211 00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:15,120 Angela Merkel! 212 00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:16,240 -Rise. -Sure. 213 00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:21,640 Hi there, Vasyl Petrovych. 214 00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:25,360 Valya, what's with the informality? We can't have "hi there". 215 00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:28,840 Next you'll be saying "shalom". Give me Merkel. Act Merkel! 216 00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:33,360 -Guten abend, Herr Vasyl Petrovych. -Guten abend. 217 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:35,720 -Shake the hand softly. -Softly. 218 00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:36,880 She should dominate. 219 00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:40,280 The shake decides how much aid Germany's central bank will give us. 220 00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:41,960 -Danke schoen. -Valya! 221 00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:43,640 Your German needs work! 222 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:45,840 I don't think her Bavarian accent is bad. 223 00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:47,120 -Take a seat. -Thanks. 224 00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:48,800 Ladies and gentlemen! 225 00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:50,760 Sarkozy and Putin. 226 00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:56,560 Why is Putin here? 227 00:10:56,640 --> 00:10:59,120 And Sarkozy. Hollande is the president of France. 228 00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:03,200 Sorry, that was organized from last year's list. 229 00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:05,280 Okay, Sarkozy guy, get lost. 230 00:11:05,680 --> 00:11:07,720 Putin, beat it! Make it snappy! 231 00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:10,200 -Sorry! -Quick! I don't want to see you again. 232 00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:15,200 The President of Belarus, Alexander Lukashenko. 233 00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:16,800 -No need to get up. -I see. 234 00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:22,600 Excuse me. I have to take this. 235 00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:26,360 Hello, Olya, is it urgent, or can it wait? 236 00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:28,600 Mr President, I just wanted to remind you 237 00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:32,120 that today you have a pre-set visitation scheduled with your son. 238 00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:36,360 But given your knack for carelessness and newly-found burden of responsibility, 239 00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:38,600 you most likely forgot about it, right? 240 00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:42,440 Olya, nobody forgot about anything. We just went astray. I'm leaving now. 241 00:11:44,680 --> 00:11:46,880 Yuriy Ivanovich, can we take a short break? 242 00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:48,080 I need to leave. 243 00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:48,960 To go where? 244 00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:50,360 To take my son to the zoo. 245 00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:51,320 Tolya... 246 00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:55,160 40 bodyguards, 5 snipers, 1 chopper. 247 00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:56,400 Two hours to get ready. 248 00:11:56,480 --> 00:11:59,440 -Is there an easier way? -We could bring the animals here. 249 00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:01,960 -It would only take one hour to prepare. -So be it. 250 00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:03,200 -Get it done. -Thanks. 251 00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:10,880 We're having fun, aren't we? 252 00:12:11,880 --> 00:12:12,840 It's not crowded. 253 00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:15,720 Giddy up. 254 00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:22,560 Why the sad face? 255 00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:25,160 We were supposed to go to the zoo. 256 00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:28,680 Son, I can't be blamed for the rain. 257 00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:30,320 All in all, it's not that bad. 258 00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:33,040 Kiev Zoo currently has fewer animals than here. 259 00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:38,360 Want to play a game? 260 00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:40,400 Joy and sorrow. 261 00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:42,240 You start. 262 00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:45,240 Okay, I'll start, then. 263 00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:47,800 Name the biggest... 264 00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:50,280 joy you've had this week. 265 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,400 When you became president. 266 00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:57,040 Now you're the second coolest dad in class. 267 00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:59,040 Why only the second? 268 00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:03,560 -Kovalenko's dad drives a Dodge. -He drives a Dodge? Then he's outdone me. 269 00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:05,880 But you're in a solid second place. 270 00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:07,800 A silver medal isn't bad. 271 00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:10,280 -Next one? -Sure. 272 00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:11,800 Sorrow. 273 00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:15,920 Is it true that you'll love me less now? 274 00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:18,560 Whatever gave you that idea? 275 00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:22,840 Well, you'll have to love the whole country besides me. 276 00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:25,800 Son, even if I'm the president, 277 00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:29,400 I'm still your father, and you're still my favorite son. 278 00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:33,520 And I definitely love my country, but you'll still be number one anyway. 279 00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:35,880 I can swear on the nation's Constitution. 280 00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:37,320 Never mind. Forget it. 281 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:38,800 Okay, now... 282 00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:42,080 -What? -In a second. 283 00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:44,720 -What happened? -They say I have to go. 284 00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:51,640 Wave to Mom. 285 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:53,840 Watch your feet. 286 00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:57,640 We're a little late. I apologize. 287 00:13:57,720 --> 00:13:58,600 That's okay. 288 00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:05,680 Vasyl Petrovych, why don't you come escorted by the honor guard next time? 289 00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:07,560 Sorry, it comes with the territory. 290 00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:09,800 Do lumps on heads also come with that? 291 00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:11,960 -Where's a lump? I don't see any. -No lumps! 292 00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:13,680 -Dad? -Yes, son? 293 00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:16,240 On my birthday, could you issue an order 294 00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:18,560 for mama to marry you again? 295 00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:24,720 -Son, that's not dad's job... -A quorum is... 296 00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:25,800 He's the president! 297 00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:27,480 Better not. Please, stop. 298 00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:31,400 You'll just start arguing and quarrelling again. 299 00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:35,760 My mind can't handle a second divorce. A pair of inline skates would be better. 300 00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:38,320 -Skates? A perfect choice. You got it! -Sure. 301 00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:39,680 Okay, I have to run. 302 00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:41,800 I have... I'll call you. Bye! 303 00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:43,160 -Okay, later. -Take care. 304 00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:54,280 I loved not the right person I said not the right words! 305 00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:56,080 What a tiring mess this is. 306 00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:59,160 He's making a racket. When will his batteries go dead? 307 00:14:59,240 --> 00:15:00,200 What should I do? 308 00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:01,640 Natasha, maybe talk to him? 309 00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:03,600 He might suddenly come to his senses. 310 00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:07,360 Right. Honey, don't fall for it. That's exactly what your father would do. 311 00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:10,480 -You'd better call the police. -Who needs the police? 312 00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:16,400 Here's your police. 313 00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:18,720 -Petya! -"Petya, Petya" what? 314 00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:21,480 Don't forget to wipe your street art off the sidewalk. 315 00:15:21,560 --> 00:15:23,160 His love defaced the courtyard. 316 00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:24,520 So bothersome! 317 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,600 And ignorant, too. 318 00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:28,880 "Natasha, merry me." As in, "be merry." 319 00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:31,200 -What? That's incorrect? -Mom! 320 00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:34,400 -Are we going to eat dinner? -Yes, we are. Stop yelling. 321 00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:35,360 Yes. 322 00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:39,200 Mom, why the fifth plate? 323 00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:40,880 Ah, for Slavik! 324 00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:46,440 I set it for Vasya, just by force of habit. 325 00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:48,040 How is he, our sweetie? 326 00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:50,320 I'm sure he's not dying of hunger, unlike me. 327 00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:52,280 -Mom, why aren't you moving? -Here. 328 00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:56,000 Dumplings again. 329 00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:59,960 Sorry, but we can't afford fois gras for dinner. 330 00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:03,160 And Vasya... 331 00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:05,920 is in clover right now, I guess. 332 00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:08,800 They're spoon-feeding him fine foods. 333 00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:12,080 Thus, Mr President, to avoid any confusion... 334 00:16:12,160 --> 00:16:14,480 -This fork is for the main course. -Okay. 335 00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:16,440 -These are salad forks. -Salad. 336 00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:17,560 This is for lemons. 337 00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:19,680 These, for mussels and oysters. 338 00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:21,280 -Main... -Moving on to spoons. 339 00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:22,440 Yes, to spoons. 340 00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:24,040 This is a soup spoon. 341 00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:26,080 -This is for spaghetti. -Spaghetti. 342 00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:27,320 This one is for dessert. 343 00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:28,680 -And for butter. -Butter. 344 00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:30,080 This is for coffee and tea. 345 00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:31,520 And knives are simple. 346 00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:35,760 Steak, dessert, appetizers, fish and profiteroles. 347 00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:39,080 Got it? Excellent. 348 00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:40,680 In that case... 349 00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:42,600 enjoy your meal. 350 00:17:11,119 --> 00:17:12,280 Have a good night. 351 00:17:12,359 --> 00:17:13,480 Good night. 352 00:17:15,319 --> 00:17:16,760 Nikita, bring that over. 353 00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:21,240 Right, what was it? 354 00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:24,000 A quarter. 355 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,840 A quarter of a century ago, we started... A quarter... Yes! 356 00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:30,800 A quarter... 357 00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:34,000 -Not asleep? -I was practicing. 358 00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:35,720 Vasyl Petrovych, pardon me, 359 00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:37,400 but it didn't dawn on me to ask. 360 00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:39,200 Perhaps, you'd like... 361 00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:40,240 a first lady? 362 00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:42,840 What for? 363 00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:44,640 I don't know... 364 00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:47,520 You know better. Either for this or that... 365 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:49,280 Are you making fun of me? 366 00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:51,280 Good choice. Tomorrow is a tough day. 367 00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:53,200 Where is this coming from? 368 00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:55,400 You really amaze me! Goodbye. 369 00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:58,240 -Vasyl Petrovych? -What now? 370 00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:00,480 If you change your mind, here's the remote. 371 00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:03,120 Button one is for Angela. Button two is for Violetta. 372 00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:05,400 -Three is for Edward. -Forget the buttons. 373 00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:07,040 I told you, I'm fine. Thanks. 374 00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:08,960 Alone, then? Here's the remote. 375 00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:10,520 Okay, there's the remote. 376 00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:12,240 Goodbye and good night! 377 00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:13,160 Dreadful! 378 00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:16,480 Where was I? Right, a quarter... 379 00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:17,920 Shit... How did it go...? 380 00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:19,440 A quarter of a century... 381 00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:22,000 We started, we started... Yes. 382 00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:26,400 A quarter of a century ago, we started building a nation. 383 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,040 Mr President! 384 00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:29,760 What is it now? 385 00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:31,920 Yuriy Ivanovich, I mean it now! 386 00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:34,560 -Yuriy Ivanovich! -Vasyl Petrovych! 387 00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:40,600 A quarter of... 388 00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:46,520 Good evening, Vasyl Petrovych. 389 00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:48,840 Hello. 390 00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:51,160 Greetings, Mr Lincoln. 391 00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:52,880 Pleased to meet you. 392 00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:53,920 How did you get... 393 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:55,520 I came to see how you were doing. 394 00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:56,720 Conscience in agony? 395 00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:03,720 -Abraham... What's your patronymic? -Call me simply Mr President. 396 00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:07,600 Mr President, about this speech, 397 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:09,000 I wasn't going to pinch it. 398 00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:10,440 And why would you? 399 00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:12,480 You have a good speech on YouTube. 400 00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:18,720 But I didn't understand some of the words. 401 00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:22,920 The one that starts with "ass" - that probably means "assembly", right? 402 00:19:23,560 --> 00:19:26,760 And what "holes" refers to, I couldn't say. 403 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:28,600 It's sort of... 404 00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:31,840 the state our country is in. 405 00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:33,440 There are "ass-embly-holes". 406 00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:35,560 -Clearly. -Roughly that. 407 00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:37,520 Is that like our Great Depression? 408 00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:38,800 Kind of. 409 00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:40,720 And? 410 00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:42,000 And what? 411 00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:43,080 What will you do? 412 00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:44,480 What's your track record? 413 00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:46,680 Or is your limit 414 00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:49,120 five million YouTube views? 415 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:52,640 Actually, it was eight, not five. 416 00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:54,680 So. And second... 417 00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:57,440 Do you know, 418 00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:00,400 we have much in common. 419 00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:02,880 I also come from a simple family. 420 00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:05,920 I didn't believe in my powers either. 421 00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:08,400 But I managed to abolish slavery. 422 00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:11,200 I freed millions of slaves 423 00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:13,240 in the year 18... 424 00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:14,760 ...62. 425 00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:16,440 -I remember. -Bravo. 426 00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:21,160 Vasyl Petrovych, you could also free your people. 427 00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:25,000 But we don't have slavery. 428 00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:28,400 Do you think millions of Ukrainians, 429 00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:32,600 who bust their backs working to the bone just to feed the so-called elite, 430 00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:35,440 their houses, limousines and mansions, aren't slaves? 431 00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:38,600 But what can I do? 432 00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:43,520 Be yourself, 433 00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:45,360 Mr President. 434 00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:16,760 President Holoborodko hasn't formally assumed office yet, 435 00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:18,520 but we're seeing changes already. 436 00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:21,400 For the first time, the presidential inauguration 437 00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:25,120 won't take place in Parliament, where renovation works are underway, 438 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:26,600 but in the House of Teachers. 439 00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:28,400 The deep symbolism is inescapable, 440 00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:32,240 as previously Vasyl Holoborodko worked as a history teacher. 441 00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:35,560 Catastrophic! We have 47 international delegations. 442 00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:36,800 Live media broadcasts! 443 00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:38,440 How did he ditch the motorcade? 444 00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:41,520 He said, "I don't need security or a motorcade. I'll go alone." 445 00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:43,960 What was I to do? Forcibly shove him into the car? 446 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:46,120 Maybe he's in trouble? 447 00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:47,040 I hope to God. 448 00:21:47,120 --> 00:21:47,920 I mean... 449 00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:49,520 not hope to God. 450 00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:56,000 To greet the president, guards, present arms...! 451 00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:12,120 Why such a spectacle? 452 00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:14,640 A spectacle? The door only opens from the outside. 453 00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:22,160 Mr President, the honor guard company has formed. 454 00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:24,480 Honor Guard Commander General Sydorenko. 455 00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:27,720 Hello. 456 00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:29,000 -Good health. -Thanks. 457 00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:44,240 Ladies and gentlemen, the president of Ukraine! 458 00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:33,520 Dear fellow countrymen 459 00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:36,080 and guests of Ukraine. 460 00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:42,120 A quarter of a century ago, we started building a new nation, 461 00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:43,520 conceived 462 00:23:44,360 --> 00:23:47,320 in liberty and with a belief in equal rights 463 00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:48,880 for all citizens. 464 00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:00,120 Vasyl Petrovych! 465 00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:02,880 Had any thoughts on your inauguration speech? 466 00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:06,080 Sashko, what inauguration? Who'll vote for me? 467 00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:08,160 What if they do? 468 00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:12,200 Then you'll gabble in front of the nation while we feel ashamed. 469 00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:16,040 Enough of this fun. We've got a test, so start writing. 470 00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:18,160 You should rehearse, Vasyl Petrovych. 471 00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:19,480 No rehearsals for me. 472 00:24:19,560 --> 00:24:23,000 -Who cares about the test! -The inauguration is more important! 473 00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:24,600 Very well, then. 474 00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:27,000 All the shouting. Just to rehearse. 475 00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:29,320 Let's start. 476 00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:31,640 What should I do? 477 00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:33,200 Place your hand on the Bible. 478 00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:35,720 Hand on the Bible... Class, we don't have a Bible. 479 00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:38,280 But here's a class register. And it's also sacred. 480 00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:40,200 -Which hand? Right? -Yes. 481 00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:43,800 Okay, now. 482 00:24:45,920 --> 00:24:47,560 I have no idea where to even begin. 483 00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:48,960 That's what I meant. 484 00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:51,560 Say the usual things. 485 00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:53,840 Promise that everything will be good... 486 00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:57,520 Levchenko, I don't intend to promise anything to anyone. 487 00:24:57,600 --> 00:25:00,720 That's right! The main thing is honesty and using your own words. 488 00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:02,320 And at the end, do this... 489 00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:04,960 And it'll all be super. 490 00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:06,600 I'll certainly do so, 491 00:25:06,680 --> 00:25:10,320 only once you finally hand in your report on the Zaporizhian Fort. 492 00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:19,880 I beg your pardon. 493 00:25:21,560 --> 00:25:23,880 May I use my own words? 494 00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:26,880 You know, 495 00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:29,720 I'm a plain teacher of history. 496 00:25:31,120 --> 00:25:34,040 This is some story - a history teacher makes it into history! 497 00:25:34,480 --> 00:25:35,360 Hilarious. 498 00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:40,360 According to the plan, I was supposed to promise many things to you now. 499 00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:42,320 Well... But I... 500 00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:44,320 I won't make any promises. 501 00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:46,520 First, it's dishonest, 502 00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:48,920 and second, I'm not good at these things. 503 00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:51,000 For the time being. 504 00:25:51,360 --> 00:25:52,440 But I'll figure it out. 505 00:25:54,440 --> 00:25:55,400 I do know one thing. 506 00:25:55,480 --> 00:25:56,960 One should act in a way 507 00:25:58,320 --> 00:26:01,440 that doesn't evoke shame when looking into children's eyes. 508 00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:05,120 Nor their parents'. 509 00:26:07,280 --> 00:26:09,640 Nor your eyes, of course. 510 00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:15,560 This is what I promise you, the people of Ukraine. 511 00:26:25,360 --> 00:26:26,160 I thank you. 512 00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:30,880 REPORT ON THE ZAPORIZHIAN FORT 513 00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:40,560 Translation by Mark P. Raczkiewycz 36864

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