All language subtitles for Kate & Koji S02E04

Oh, did you hear about Judy?

White witch Judy?
No, laundrette Judy.

Burnt it down for the insurance.
Oh, yeah, yeah.

She's married an asylum seeker.

You know,
so he can stay in this country.

I couldn't marry Koji.

No, no-one's saying you should,
Iris.

Because, legally, I'm still married.

To two men, in fact.

So I'd have to draw the line
at a third.

I'd like to be able to call on
the doctor 24/7.

If I married him, though, I think
my wife might have something to say.

You're married?
Yeah.

To a woman?

You know, not to your work, or...

No, to Mrs Mullholland.

Why do you both look so surprised?

Well, we...
No, no.

DOORBELL DINGS
Koji!

Hey! How's it all coming along?
Any news from your asylum appeal?

Oh, you know, one step forward,
200 steps back.

Kate was saying how someone got into
a pretend marriage to stay here.

I couldn't do that.
Real marriages are bad enough.

Though actually, I have been on a
sort of date with someone recently.

Oh, that's exciting.
What's she like?

She's called Lisa.
She seems very nice.

Ah, well, they all start off nice.
Auntie...

Then you find some bells
in the bottom of a drawer

and discover
they're a morris dancer.

I am quite nervous. It's been
so long since I took a chance.

When I last dated,
Tinder didn't exist.

God, that was so weird,
going on dates with people you knew.

Excuse me,
we're looking for The Frothy Coffee.

Why?
It's number one of the cafes

in Seagate on TripAdvisor.

Oh, yes, well, this is it.
What can I get you?

Oh, we changed the name.
I need caffeine.

Oh, all right, Figgy,
we'll get them here.

You text Gethsemane
and see what she wants.

I'll have an iced latte.

And do you do almond milk?
No.

Oat milk, then.
No, we don't do that, either.

But it's not a problem
because we don't do iced latte.

Do you...
Or latte.

I thought
you were The Frothy Coffee.

Well, that's why
we changed the name.

We do coffee.
It works for my regulars.

All right, three coffees.

Mum, I need a wee.

Do you have a toilet?

Or do you just use
a hole in the ground

cos that's what works
for your regulars?

Joke.
It's upstairs, darling.

Do you do a discount
if we use our own cups?

I think you know the answer to that.

That'll be £4.50.
Oh, no, I think you'll find that

the coffees are £1.20 each.

Ah, no, that's, "Coffee, please."

Just, "Coffee" is £1.50.

Now, can I get you something
to carry those in?

Thank you.
Joke.

Figgy, darling, grab these two

before one of the locals
starts playing a banjo.

Don't dawdle, darling, come on!

DOORBELL DINGS
Nice to see you extending

your customer base there.

Number one on TripAdvisor.

I haven't got any reviews
on TripAdvisor.

Which, in itself, is a good review.
See?

Oh, no, hold on, I have got one.
Left last week.

Penny from Peterborough.
She says,

"Visiting Joan's Caff
is like going back to the 1970s."

Oh, that's nice. "The food is basic,
boring and dull,

"and Joan was very rude. One star."

Number 14 of 14 caffs in Seagate.

I don't believe it.

There's 14 caffs in Seagate?

"Basic, boring and dull."

Has she not heard
of my bubble and squeak wrap?

If I was called Nigella or Heston,
she'd be saying that

I was reinventing
traditional British cuisine.

People who leave those reviews...
Talk about something else.

Come on, Koji,
tell us more about your dating.

Has it got a future?

It's very early days.

We're still getting to know
each other.

Well, you can know someone for years
and still not really know them.

None of us knew
Mr Mullholland was married.

He's married?
Yes.

To... another person?
Yes! Why is that odd?

No, it's not at all odd. So, Koji,
are you gonna see Lisa again?

Well, we went out for a meal
and she paid because I can't.

And I can't invite her
back to the hostel

because she's allergic to bats.

Penny from Peterborough
has visited 62 cities.

Well, you would do
if you lived in Peterborough.

Auntie, it's...
DOORBELL DINGS

Excuse me,
my daughter left her phone here.

Well, nothing has been handed in.

I'll check the toilet.

It's an iPhone 13 Pro.

Your child has an iPhone 13 Pro?

Yeah, well, we thought the iPhone 13
Pro Max was a bit bulky for her.

But she's only...
It's here somewhere. See?

"Find your phone."
Tracks it. It's very accurate.

Er, sorry, nothing in the toilet.
OK. Well, here's my number...

..for when you find it.
But it's not here.

Well, maybe someone picked it up.

Picked it up?
Yes.

Figgy was sitting there.

Next to that gentleman.

What are you implying?

Well, it's a valuable phone.

Some people don't hand in
valuable phones.

Get out. Before I kick
your entitled arse out of my caff.

You can't talk to me like that.

Why, because you're a "senior
product branding strategist"?

And what exactly are you?

Oh, I'm senior director
of bollocks detection.

Come on, Figgy,
let's get out of this abattoir.

Come on.
DOORBELL DINGS

Menopause.

Sorry, Koji.
Yeah, sorry, Koji.

Funny how offensive
"gentleman" can sound

when you put the word "that"
in front of it.

She's just one of those...
BEEPING

Iris, your phone alarm seems to be
going off every quarter of an hour.

Yes.
I decided to have a relaxing day,

so it's to remind me to do nothing.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Her brain should be given
world heritage status.

What a morning!
Maybe you're right.

Maybe I should make a few changes
to this caff.

Oh, finally, Auntie. Come on, what
kind of changes are you thinking?

Banning customers.

MEDIUM:
So, are you gonna see Lisa again?

She's actually picking me up
at the caff when she finishes work.

Oh.
But I can't accept dinner again.

We're just going to go for a walk.

Probably up by
the abandoned slaughterhouse.

Oh, love's young dream (!)

KATE: I hate it when

politicians compare every crisis
to World War Two.

It's a good job this shower weren't
in charge back then.

The Spitfires would have been built
by someone's neighbour.

And they'd have outsourced D-Day
to Serco.

DOORBELL DINGS
Relax, you'll be fine.

I don't know.
I'm not good at reading women.

They should come with
explanatory footnotes.

Just be yourself.

Noted.
Er, but not too much.

PHONE BEEPS
Oh, that's Lisa outside now.

Oh, well, get her to come in.
No, we haven't...

Lisa?
Yes.

Come on in for a moment. Come in.
Thank you.

Lovely to meet you, darling.

I'm Kate.
Hi, Kate.

And this is Medium.
Hi.

You know, I've passed here a lot.
I've never come in.

Oh, did you think we were too basic?

No, no, it's nice.

It's very...

..unpretentious.
Oh, thank you.

We should be going for our walk.
We could go for a meal.

I don't mind paying.
No, I...

Oh, I expect Koji is saving the meal
for tomorrow night,

when he's taking you out to eat.

Am I?
Oh...

No, have I spoiled your surprise?

Only, we're open tomorrow evening,

and Koji has booked a table for two.
Haven't you?

Yes...
Now, let me see. Hm, er...

Mm... Ah, we're not very busy
tomorrow.

No. Erm...

No, they had to cancel. Er...

They lost their baby-sitter.

No, it looks like
it's just you two.

Koji, this is a lovely surprise!

Yes, this is a lovely surprise.

And Kate knows I'm a vegan?

Oh, yes, I mentioned that
when I made the reservation.

Didn't I, Kate?
It'll be in your book, I expect.

Oh, yes, there it is. Vegan.

Oh, Kate loves
the challenge of vegan cookery.

Don't you, Kate?
Yes, I love it.

Well, this has made my day.
Come on, then.

Er, see you tomorrow night.
Bye, all.

Bye, Mr Mullholland.
Bye.

Oh, you know each other?

Yeah, we met
at a charity bridge evening.

You were partnered with Lorraine.
Yeah, Lorraine's my wife.

You mean, you're...?
Married.

And it's not at all surprising.

"Will you ignore this offer
of a lifetime?" Yes, I will.

"Please confirm your password."

I wasn't born yesterday.

"Do you want... sex with a housewife
three miles away?"

When we had
that argument about rugby,

you googled "best English hookers".

I keep being sent mucky ads, just
because I googled "naked Italians".

Why did you google "naked Italians"?

I like naked Italians.
DOORBELL DINGS

Kate, that was very kind of you
last night.

Well, I wouldn't have done it
if I'd known she was a vegan.

Well, we're all gonna have to end up
vegans.

37% of the world's methane
comes out of the backsides of cows.

Yes, well, if we all switched
to just eating veg,

it would be coming
out of our backsides.

Some of these recipes
have got such weird stuff in them.

"Irish moss.
Nutritional yeast."

I mean, that's not an ingredient,
that's an infection.

Just do something simple.

What, something basic, boring
and dull?

No, I...
By the way,

has everyone here giving me
an excellent review on TripAdvisor?

Oh, yes.
Yeah, a few more good reviews

and I'll be
up the top of Seagate's caffs.

Mr Mullholland?
I wouldn't know what to write.

Well, you don't have to,
I'll tell you.

And get your wife to do one.

Wife?
Yes!

Ooh, what about this?
Mushroom Wellington.

Sounds a bit ambitious.

Which is something
I know you can deal with.

MEDIUM:
I found that kid's phone.

Sorry, I missed it yesterday.

It must have just slipped down
behind the pedestal.

Well, what if
it just slipped out of my hand

and just slipped into the harbour?

Yeah, all right, all right,
I'll call her.

Kate, all these five-star reviews,

you've moved up to number three
in Seagate.

Oh, that's more like it!
Let's have a look.

"Lovely, sophisticated cuisine.

"The bubble and squeak wrap
is a revelation."

"Kate is
a delightful and refined hostess."

Oh, people are saying
such lovely things about me.

Well, you've said
such lovely things about you.

Yeah, well, I might have done
a bit of nudging.

Come on, it's against the rules
to be truthful on the Internet.

Are you looking forward
to your meal with Lisa?

The truth is I'm lacking confidence.

None of my relationships
have gone well.

Even my marriage was quite short.

Well, a lot of marriages
end quickly.

Mine ended before
we unpacked the wedding presents.

That is quite quick.

My wife did space out opening them.

She said she liked to save
the excitement up.

I had to tell her you shouldn't
end a sentence with a preposition.

Yeah, you've mentioned that.

You know,
you can be quite... particular.

I have got better.

Now I let
a lot of grammatical errors go by.

And used that way, "by" is
an adverb, not a preposition.

Yeah. When it comes to Lisa,
maybe, you know, give her a chance.

If she says
anything illogical or annoying,

maybe just, you know, let it go.

You're right. I'll try.

I'm gonna have to nip
down Morrisons.

Just cook something
less complicated.

Just because
I was born in a betting shop,

doesn't mean
I can only cook meat and two veg.

You were born in a betting shop?

Yeah. Mum was waiting for
the results of a steward's inquiry.

What a lot of choices.

Coq au vin,
steak bearnaise...

Ah, but you'll be wanting the vegan
option, mushroom Wellington.

And I expect you'll be wanting

the same, won't you, Koji?
Hm...

Do you know,
I might go for the sea bass.

The mushroom Wellington it is.

I'll just double-check
we have two of those left. Medium?

Yes, we do.
"Yes, we do, Chef."

So, that's two mushroom Wellingtons
for table three.

Yes, I've got that, Chef.

This is really nice, Koji.

God, that vegan pastry
is looking a bit soggy.

Maybe we should just bail out
and do something simpler.

What? And prove Penny from
Peterborough right?

Auntie, look...
Excuse me?

We're not open.
Well, we are, but not to you.

I'll be very quick.

My daughter insisted we apologise.

Turns out
her phone was in Morrisons.

Morrisons?
God knows how it got there.

Yes, Auntie,
God does know how it got there.

So... there we are.

So, are you going to?
What?

Apologise.
I have.

No, you just said you were going to.

Sorry.
It is not your fault.

No, but it's nice to know someone
in the family has manners, darling.

Have a free doughnut.

We don't do sugar.

Thank you.

Poor little beggar.
Well, that's a mystery,

how the phone ended up in Morrisons,
where you went shopping... Chef.

Yes, isn't it just?

I'm sorry about that, Lisa.

No worries.
She seemed really stuck-up.

Yeah, well, she'd be stuck-up on
a nice pointy stick if I had my way.

Now, can I fetch you a selection
of nuts while you're waiting?

We have peanuts and cashews.
No, I'm fine.

This is so nice, Koji.

It said I was going to have
a lovely evening in my horoscope.

Your... Your horoscope?

What's your star sign?

Oh, don't tell me.
I bet you're a Capricorn.

I don't believe in astrology.
I think it's a lot of...

..interesting theories

that are not fully proven,
but nevertheless... fascinating.

I really like that in a man,
when he's so open.

I think our wild mushroom Wellington
a la Seagate is ready.

Erm, how shall we serve it,

plate or bowl?
Bucket?

And how was it?
The mushrooms were lovely.

And that yellow sauce was...
unusual.

I think that might have been
the pastry.

I didn't realise
you opened in the evenings, Kate.

Oh, well, erm...
Kate is making up for all the time

we were closed during the lockdowns.

Oh, God, yeah, lockdown.

I'm not really cut out
for social distancing.

Well, I've always practised
social distancing.

But until COVID,
people just called it being rude.

The lockdowns were so pointless,
weren't they?

Pointless?
Well, yeah. COVID's a hoax.

A hoax?
Mm-hm.

That's... a bold point of view.

But let's not talk about it,
because, you know,

some people get really irritated.
Irritated? Fancy that.

But there were some good things
about lockdown.

Oh, it was so nice
not having the planes, wasn't it?

Ah, yes, it was so quiet.
Yeah.

I remember
just sitting in my garden,

listening to the bees humming,
and thinking,

"Well, now
the government can't use the planes

"to spray down the chemicals
they use to control our brains."

That's what the vapour trails are.

They had to put the chemicals
in the hand sanitiser

and use those to control us instead.

Oh, is that the time?

Erm, I'm afraid
I have to get back to the hostel.

It's my turn to wax the lino.

I shouldn't have said about
the planes, huh?

So many people are just not ready
to hear the truth. It's crazy.

Yes, crazy is the correct word.

Oh, well, I've been here before.

Bye, Koji. I'm sorry you turned out
to be one of the sheep.

Oh, your horoscope
didn't predict that, then?

And thanks for the meal, Kate.
If you'd like some feedback...

I don't think she would.
It was a bit... overcomplex.

DOORBELL DINGS
Overcomplex!

See, this is what happens
when you try to please everybody.

I won't be doing that any more.
That's good.

I'm going back
to not pleasing anyone.

I wasn't too hard on her, was I?

No, I'm afraid
she was the, er, full Morrissey.

So this confirms my belief that
I'm attracted to the wrong people.

Oh, everybody is,
otherwise life would be too simple

and we'd run out of things to do
by 25.

Chin up, Koji.
The perfect woman for you

is sitting out there somewhere,
right now.

Possibly not in Seagate.

Or Essex. But you'll find someone.

But in future,
just steer clear of vegans.

Auntie, OK, I've been meaning
to tell you something.

I'm a vegan.

I know.
What?

All those mixed grills
you turned down.

That time I caught you
out the back with a tahini cookie.

Well, why didn't you say?
Why didn't you say?

Well, I thought you'd never stop
going on about it.

Well, I won't.
But I don't actually care.

I'm used to weird people.
I live here.

I'm not sure I'd call vegans...

I am, despite your caricature of me,
very tolerant.

If you don't count
seagulls and Austrians.

And morris dancers.
Well, yeah.

And community support officers.

Er, golfers, cyclists,
homeopaths, Amanda Holden

and the colour mauve.

Well, it's unnecessary.
You've already got purple and blue.

But apart from that...
And toy poodles.

And town twinning.
OK, OK.

You're always making lists.

Oh, and lists! I forgot about lists.
Yes, lists.

For some reason,
you two are always making me out

to be some sort of grumpy person.

But I am actually very positive.

And why wouldn't I be?

I've got friends.
I've got my health.

And I run the third
most popular caff in Seagate.

Lisa posted a one-star review.

You're back down to 14th.