All language subtitles for Kate & Koji S02E01

MUSIC: 'I Only Want To Be With You'
Instrumental

And that top photo's me. 1968.

Chained to the railings
outside the American Embassy.

Oh, what, on an anti-war demo?

No, it was a hen night,
got a bit out of hand.

And this is my dear old mum, Joan.

She started this caff.

Her ashes are scattered
under these floorboards.

Well, half of them are.

Her will stipulated
that the other half be scattered

over the local health inspector.

Yeah, they'd had a falling out.

So, I just wanted
to double-check a few things

ahead of filming tomorrow.

Will you be covering
the whole award ceremony? Oh, yes.

It will be the
"Good News in Essex" segment.

It'll be fronted by Melanie.

Is she the really bubbly one

that keeps saying "wow!"
all the time?

Yeah.
She'll be interviewing Kate?

Yeah. Why?

No, it's fine. Besides, you can
always edit stuff out, can't you?

No, it's live.
Live?

You'll be interviewing
Kate Abbott...

on TV?

Live?

Yeah.

But you've got one of those
delay buttons, right? No.

I'm sure it'll be fine.

How much do I owe for the tea?
Do you get expenses? Yes.

Then it's three pounds.

Auntie!
What?

That's...
No, no, that's fine.

There's three pounds.

And here's your receipt
for six pounds.

Good morning, Koji.
You're late today.

They closed the high street,

because some protestors have
glued their heads to the road.

Which I think is a mistake,

because the forecast
is for flooding.

Oh, the weather forecasts
are useless now.

Yesterday, they said
50% chance of rain.

That's not a forecast,
that's an act of cowardice.

Any news from
the Immigration people?

No, my friend.
Koji is an asylum seeker.

He's waiting to hear if his
application has been accepted.

This is Mika.

She's a researcher
for the local news.

Oh, and Koji's a doctor.

Although I don't practise,

because if I was caught working
that would be in breach

of the regulations
and could get me deported.

Oh, yeah.

And that.

Well, I bet you get pestered,
with the GP shortage, you know,

by people wanting
to discuss their symptoms.

Yes, he does, but he
doesn't get any free food

in return for giving
my customers a medical opinion.

He's been waiting to hear
if he can stay for over a year.

It's ridiculous.

And the asylum-seeker allowance
is a pittance.

To be fair, the government
did increase it in October 2020

by three pence a week.

The important thing is
you didn't let it change you.

That's right.
I managed to stay grounded.

God, the waiting
must be driving you mad.

I have chosen
not to let that happen.

This has been very helpful.

Online Scrabble.

So far, I have defeated
37 consecutive opponents,

all British,
but this one is Swedish,

so his standard of English
is much higher.

So... If that's
more bills, postie,

I told you what you can
do with those yesterday.

I'm not allowed to bung post in
the sea, or your other suggestion.

So, Mika, you wanted
to double-check stuff?

Er, yes. Right, so, erm,
when did you hear

that you'd both been selected for
Seagate's Lockdown Legends Award?

Last week. I was gobsmacked.

No one's ever given me
a prize before. No, me neither.

Well, the headmistress did
once present me with an award

for most polite pupil,

but it turned out
she was being sarcastic.

This sanitiser
needs topping up again.

It's that old lush, Mr Thompson.

I'm sure he drinks it
when I'm not looking.

How does this man
know the word "googly"?

The Swedes are not
a cricketing nation.

You must be very proud of
your friends winning this award.

Oh, yes, of course.
What time is it being broadcast?

I will need to commandeer
the television at the hostel.

The Afghans
are addicted to Hollyoaks,

although they seem to think
it's a reality show.

The live interviews
with the winners

are scheduled for 6:40,
just ahead of the ceremony itself.

Live interviews?

Yeah.

You're interviewing Kate...

live?

Yes.

Ah, but you have one of those...
Delay buttons? No, they don't.

So, whatever Kate comes out with

will be heard instantly
in millions of homes?

I'm sure it will be fine.

Yeah, almost certainly.

Almost certainly fine, yes.

How hard is it
to get a delay button?

Look, do we have a problem here?

Only, she does seem quite...

unfiltered?

And I did hear a rumour that
she can be a bit of a... racist.

I can tell you, definitively,
that Kate Abbott is not a racist.

OK, so she's not prejudiced.

No, she's massively prejudiced.

But her prejudices have
nothing to do with colour.

They are random, and weird.

Yeah, I mean, she hates,
like, er, Austrians, vegans,

Gwyneth Paltrow,

people who stick up for
Gwyneth Paltrow, er,

chuggers, bloggers...
Joggers.

French bulldogs, the French.
Oh... bulldogs.

People who send you
online inspirational poems

they've written.
Oh, God, yeah. Oh, and God.

People who vape,

people who photograph their food,

people who...

It's probably quicker
if I give you a list.

Things to avoid so there's
less risk of her kicking off.

It might be quicker to list
the things she doesn't hate.

Oh, here comes old cheery chops.

BELL JINGLES

Morning, Mr Mullholland,
and how are we today?

Oh, you know, struggling on.

I'm still not happy
with the colour of my sputum.

I had to ask.

Sort of a dingy brown, like tea.

Mika, this is Mr Mullholland.

Mika's getting background
research for our award.

You know, for when Kate
was cooking all those meals

and I was delivering them to people
who were shielding. Oh, yeah.

I don't like to think about
the whole pandemic thing.

I found it all very challenging.

Really?

Yeah, at the start of it,
the good doctor here

advised me to self-isolate.

Right.
For 18 months.

I just thought that would be
better for all concerned.

Well, at least it kept
you safe from coronavirus.

Not really.
Oh, no, you caught COVID?

Yeah.

12 times.

Gosh, that must be
some sort of record.

You'd think so, wouldn't you?

But the
Guinness Book of Records people

have stopped taking my calls.

Morning.
Morning, Nick. Oh, this is Mika.

She's prepping me and Kate
for our TV appearance,

you know, for what we did
during the lockdowns.

You remember, the pandemic.

You know, the...
The gym was closed.

Oh, yeah!

No, I found all that
very confusing. Why?

Well, because they kept saying
the coronavirus was this

tiny, invisible enemy,

but whenever they showed
a picture on TV, it was huge.

What?

Yeah, it was all big and spiky.
Bigger than Fiona Bruce's head.

Er, one egg or two, Nick?
Two, please.

I need building up
for my boxing tournament.

When did you take up boxing?
Yesterday.

When's the tournament?
Tomorrow.

Is this a regulated
boxing tournament?

I don't know.
It's happening in a barn.

OK. I'm going to explain to you
the medical risks of boxing.

You see, your brain
is surrounded by fluid. What?

My brain is surrounded
by... This is terrible!

It'll be getting all wet.
No, listen.

You know what?
I think I'm probably done here.

OK, if you could be at
the community centre for 6:30,

that would be great.
Text me that list? Yep.

Bye, all.
Bye.

BELL JINGLES
Ah, nice girl.

Bit nervy though.

Yeah, I think maybe she's
worried about, you know,

tomorrow being live,

and that someone might say
something inappropriate.

Oh, I see.

You'll just have to watch
what you say, won't you?

It's called self-control.

You need to urgently reconsider
this boxing tournament.

He's right.
You've done no training.

Have you done any sparring?
I've punched the punch ball.

But the punch ball is not gonna
hit you in the face, is it?

Well, actually...

There are many alternative sports.

He's right,
if it's cardio you're after,

then there's badminton, squash...
Badminton.

Why can't they play with a ball,
like a proper sport?

And squash, well that's just
menopausal men running into walls.

Better add those to the list.

And, according to this podcast,

octopuses are
more intelligent than dogs.

Could an octopus
guide a blind person?

Maybe, as long as it didn't
get distracted by a crab.

Could an octopus
fetch you your slippers?

It could fetch four people
their slippers.

Ta-da!
Ooh, new top. Look at you, Auntie.

Wait, is that Kate?

I thought it was
Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Oh, you!

It's for the awards.

Have you told your grandson
about your award?

No, he's dead to me.

Ever since he deserted me
and went to live

with his two-faced cow
of a mother.

I'm presuming that's a no.

PHONE CHIMES

Oh...
News from Immigration?

No, relax.

How do you stay so calm?

If I lost my composure,
I'd be letting them win.

No, my Swedish opponent

has come up with
another seven-letter word.

He's going to beat me again.

Yeah, I've never
trusted the Swedes.

They don't put tops
on their sandwiches.

Have I mentioned how good
I am at Scrabble? Incessantly.

I could help. You see, I like
to learn one new word per day.

"Quidnunc," that's today's word.
It means someone who knows nothing.

Are you sure
you don't want any help?

No, that would be cheating.

Oh, here she comes,
the Imelda Marcos of Essex.

How can you have a feud
with someone for 60 years?

Very easily when it's her.
BELL JINGLES

Good morning, Councillor Bone.

I'm still asking people
to maintain

the appropriate social distance.

Oh, sorry. This is your stick.

Oh, yes.

Jokes with sticks, always a hoot.

That's a very pretty top, Kate.

You can get such nice stuff
in Primark these days.

What's your problem?

You're... you're wearing
a Black Lives Matter badge.

Hm? Oh, yes, I was a judge
at a steel-band competition.

What?

I am as entitled
to wear this badge as anyone.

I have always been committed
to racial equality.

Just ask my cleaner.

So... Kate, I hear
you're getting a prize.

That's right, live on TV tomorrow,

and me and Medium
are broadcasting to all of Essex,

and parts of northeast Kent.

Millions of people
will see us being given

a Lockdown Legend Award.

I know, I'm giving it to you.

No, no, I think you'll find it's
being presented by our local MP.

I think you'll find
that he's just dropped out.

It's rather unfortunate.

He accidentally forwarded
some photos of his genitalia

to some constituents,
instead of to his researcher.

So, naturally,
the organisers turned to me

as a local luminary.

I mean, at first,
I wasn't exactly thrilled

at the idea of being televised
as I handed you an award,

but I cheered up hugely
when I realised

it would stick in your craw
to receive it from little old moi.

I mean, millions of viewers

are going to see me
graciously handing an award

to a woman who looks like
she's chewing a wasp.

It'll be such fun.

See you tomorrow...

legend!

Right, sod it. I'm not going.
What? She's ruined it.

But...
It's like being told

you're getting an OBE
and then discovering

it's being presented
by Prince Andrew.

Auntie...
I'm not having it.

Oh, come on. We deserve this. We...

You can collect yours.
I'm not stopping you.

But we did this together,
you and me.

I'm not going, and that's that!

Right.

So you would rather destroy

what should be one of the
best nights of our lives

than swallow your pride
and forget about your stupid feud

with that woman?
It is not stupid. It is stupid.

You're stupid. You're a...

quidnunc!

BELL JINGLES

If you don't turn up
to collect that award,

then that woman
will have won.

Koji, with the greatest respect,

you're a pillock.

Has "pillock" got two Ls?
Yes!

Ah-ha!

Take that, Sven Karlsson.

Hey, Koji. What are you doing here?

Thought I'd come
and wish you luck.

Well, come in and watch.
Erm...

It'll be fine.

OK.

Any sign of Kate?
No.

You got any news?
Erm, yes.

My solicitor has been told

I should expect a decision
on my asylum application

by the end of the day.

God.
If I'm turned down, I'll appeal.

I don't know how you manage
to stay so philosophical.

HE SIGHS

You beaten the dreaded Sven yet?
No.

I thought I had him
with "pillock",

but he retaliated with "ziggurat".

Are you OK?
She's not coming, is she?

Come on, star, it's showtime.

Oh.

Honestly, that woman
is so cussed, she...

At last!

You've cut it a bit fine.
What kept you, you quindunc?

Quidnunc.

INDISTINCT CHATTER
AND SIREN

OK, Auntie, so maybe remember
that we're about to be watched

by millions of people, live.

So maybe, you know,
don't pick any fights.

Honestly, where do you get this

ridiculous
characterisation of me from?

Well, from...

life.

MIKA: Quiet, everyone.
We'll be live to the teaser

in three, two, one.

Coming up, I'm here live at the
Seagate Lockdown Legend Awards.

Yes, I'm here,
surrounded by local heroes,

and all I can say is... wow!

Uh-oh.

PHONE CHIMES

PRESENTER:
So be sure to join us

after this short break.

OK, everyone,
we'll be back in a sec,

if we can have
phones off, please.

Have they said no? They said yes?

They've said...

that they've lost my application.

Oh, you've got to be joking!

Apparently, they have
installed new software. What?

Why do people keep doing that?

So when will they...?
God knows.

Oh, well, onwards and upwards.

MIKA: Quiet, everyone.
Hey, you shouldn't be down here.

Get back in the spotlight, star.

PRESENTER: Welcome back, everyone,

And with me, I have
acting deputy mayor, Lavinia Bone.

Lavinia, you must be very proud
to be handing out these awards.

Yes, Melanie,
these awards very much chime

with my vision of Seagate
as a forward-facing community

full of bounce-back-ability.

And if I can just bring in
Kate Abbott here.

Now, Kate, 72 years young,

yet you made meals
for vulnerable people

who were self-isolating.

Which were delivered
by my wonderful nephew,

who was my bubble.

Wow!

Lavinia, perhaps you could
pay tribute to Kate for us.

Sorry?

I understand you've known her
since your school days.

What are her special qualities?

Her...

Her special qualities
are that she's... special.

In what way?

Well, in every way,
but the whole community

deserves praise for what...
Kate's clearly got a big heart.

You can tell from that smile.

Yes, yes,
it's, it's, it's quite a smile.

Wow!

She's much very the angel
of Seagate, isn't she?

Yes, she is the angel of Seagate.

Well, I'd just like to say that,
coming from Councillor Bone,

those words have
a very special meaning for me.

And thank you, Lavinia,

for selflessly coming
to present this tonight,

when I know you're
supposed to be convalescing

from your cosmetic surgery.

Well, let's bring in another
lockdown hero, Simon Topsham.

Simon, you kept everybody's
spirits up during lockdown,

didn't you, by sending people
online inspirational poems

that you'd written.

That's right, Melanie.

Kate, did you receive
any of Simon's poems?

I believe I did, yes.

And did they inspire you?

I don't think Melanie
read the list.

What a great photo.

Who's chewing a wasp now, eh?

Heh-heh-heh!

What does it say in the Gazette?

Er, "Local poet
reduced to tears on TV."

Yeah, well,

some people struggle
with constructive criticism.

Shouldn't you be at work?
I finished early.

The council have run out of money,
so instead of a sign saying,

"Welcome to Seagate,
gem of the Essex Riviera,"

they just asked me to paint "Hi".

BELL JINGLES
Before you start,

my supervisor says
I can report any abuse,

so there's no need
to be scared of you.

What's your supervisor's name?

He says
I wasn't to give you his name.

Get out!
OK.

Someone outside must be vaping.

It's unnatural,
smoke that smells of fruit.

If I wanted to smell that
I'd set fire to a greengrocer's.

Didn't you, once?
That was a misunderstanding!

Morning, Nick.
Morning.

We did warn you about boxing.

No, this wasn't boxing.
This was badminton.

Badminton?

I reconsidered the boxing,
cos of what the doc said.

So, as you suggested,
I tried badminton.

Right. Did you smash yourself
in the face with your racquet?

No, I did not do that... much.

BELL JINGLES

Oh, have they found your file yet?

No, now they've lost the file
about my file being lost.

Oh, see? The dangers of boxing.
He got that playing badminton.

What, he smashed himself
in the face with the racquet?

That's not how I got this, OK?

What's this?

"To Koji...

"..for courage and fortitude
in the face of adversity."

This is your trophy.

Well, we don't need it.

No, and we thought you
deserved a pat on the back.

Right.
Besides, it's hideous.

And it's just a cheap alloy.
It's got no resale value.

Well, it is hideous,
but I'm very touched.

Thank you.

Have you beaten Sven yet?

No, he's got me again.

And the letters I've got left
are impossible.

See?

Two S's, a Q, a T,

a couple of E's,
and I'm about to time out...

I know a word. Seven letters.
Uh-uh. We've been over this.

I will not cheat.

Oh, word to the wise, Kate.

If you ever
play badminton and win,

don't try and celebrate
by jumping the net.

It is really high.

OK.

I'll make a mental note.

So, how long till Sven
defeats you, yet again?

One minute.
How many spankings would that be?

I'm trying to concentrate here.
OK, OK.

Hey, Kate, you see down by
the abandoned shopping trolley,

there's a couple of queests.

Queests?

Yeah, queests, with a Q.

It's an old word for wood pigeon,
there's more than one of them,

so it's queests.

How many letters is that?
Is it seven?

Do you know, I think it is.
Oh, I see what you are doing.

You think with only seconds left
that my resolve will weaken.

Well, all I have to say to you is:

how do you spell that?