All language subtitles for ICarly (2021). 02E02

Waffles in Warrior Pose.

Both empowering,

and delicious.

What kind of millennial
hell is this?

"Random Eating."

We used to have this bit
called "Random Dancing,"

but this is way more grown-up.

Next, we have...

"Lasagna in a Headstand."

Make like you just
met a Hemsworth

and get those legs in the air.

Stop everything!
Guys, meet Trina.

Hi.

I'm collecting signatures
for a bill on climate change.

Can I count on your support?

Sure. I'd love to sign.

Oh, aren't you cute?

Sorry, sweetie, this
petition is for grown-ups.

Sure, put grown-ups in
charge of climate change.

So far, so good.

Spencer, we're filming.
You can't just interrupt

- while I'm working.
- Oh. What is the use

of work when the
planet is on fire?

Climate change is the
single greatest threat

to our generation.

I talk about it endlessly.

All you talk about endlessly
are robots and marshmallows.

He's just trying to
get Trina's number.

Mm...

Wait. Are you Carly Shay?

I'm a huge fan.

Aw. Thank you.

Yeah, I'd love to
sign your petition.

Aw. On second thought,
you keep it.

You've been served.

Big fan, though.

Oh, my God. I'm being sued.

But who is Lewbert Sline?

Lewbert was our old
doorman and archnemesis.

He quit after Carly
moved to Italy.

Just up and left mysteriously.

Why are you gasping? You
know all this already.

I just realized her name
probably wasn't Trina.

: Soda machine!

Stole my diet root beer!

These videos were called
"Messing With Lewbert."

They were, like, a
perfectly innocent,

just, like, little
pranking sketch.

Oh. God,
we were adorable.

And now he's suing me
for wrongful injury,

emotional distress and
irreparable loss of wart.

Can you believe this?

Yes, I can.

"Messing" with someone is like

hiding your roommate's
phone charger

because she takes
long-ass showers.

- Wait, have you been...
- The point is

y'all were nasty.

You don't see how nasty he was

in those sketches,
okay? He terrorized us.

And he had this blood-curdling,
soul-piercing scream.

That's my Lewbert.

I do all of you guys, too.

Carly, no judge would
ever side with Lewbert.

He's the worst.

You're right.

But, just in case,
I have a plan.

I'll apologize.

I'll show some remorse

and all this will go away.

That may work when you
try all of the grapes

at the supermarket, but...

- Oh, no. Those are...
Carly,

those are not free
samples. They are for sale.

Guys, there's no way
Lewbert wins this case,

and I would know, I
went to law school

for three days.

Every time you bring
up law school, I think,

"He took someone's spot."

If your apology doesn't
work, I'll represent you

and get this case thrown
out in 15 minutes.

Guaranteed. Ten, if I don't
get hammered the night before.

So probably 15.

Great. You all got this handled.

I'll stay here and
watch Millicent.

You're not gonna
come and support

your best friend in
her hour of need?

Carly, I'm Black. I
spend too much time

at the courthouse, something
ends up being my fault.

Millicent, do you want
to see my new sticker?

Shh. Reading.

Hey, Olive, your mom's here.

Finally!

I-I mean, aw, already?

But we didn't check the
oil and bond futures yet.

Let's save some fun
for next time. Bye.

Do you ever feel like
you're more sophisticated

than your friends?

Of course you do, you're
friends with Carly.

Well, she does call
them, "quesa-dill-as."

Olive and I aren't vibing.

She's still into
playing horsies.

And I'm trying to bet on them.

Well, it's normal for girls
to mature at different speeds.

Look, take me.

I was the last person
in my friend group

to consider admissions fraud.

Thanks, bestie.

I love that word.

The way you Gen-Zers just
use it all over the place.

I mean, us Gen-Zers.

I'm a Gen-Zer, right, bestie?

You want me to say
you're a Gen-Zer?

I'd like to hear
it out loud, yes.

All right, Carly,
apologize and we're out.

I can't stand being
around Lewbert.

Yeah, he makes my skin crawl.

His lack of hygiene,

that awful, grating voice...

Hello, Carly.

So lovely to see you again.

Lewbert? Is that really you?

You look handsome,
but also approachable.

You're like Paul Rudd.

Very kind of you to say.

I also want to say
that I'm really sorry

for the way that we treated
you when we were kids.

I-It was immature, and silly.

Wow.

I feel so much better.

That was a great moment for us.

Court is in session.

I have in front of
me the civil suit

of Sline v. Shay.

Oh, um, Your Majesty...

I have some good news.

I apologized to Mr. Sline

in a very sincere
and respectful way.

So, what do you say, Lewbie?

You want to forget
about this whole thing?

I don't think so, Carly.

Your Honor, I'm seeking
damages for the way Ms. Shay

tortured me and left me
permanently disfigured.

How are you disfigured?
You look fine.

You could pass for a dad
in a Propecia commercial.

Be that as it may,

I've literally lost
the ability to smile.

My once melodic voice is
now flat and lifeless.

And, worst of all,
I lost... my wart.

Spencer Shay for the defense!

His "injuries" are
self-inflicted.

He would work himself
up, and flail around

like a bird with
another bird up its ass.

Your Honor, this is exactly
why I'm suing Ms. Shay

for one million dollars.

- Oh, really?

You're gonna ask for
a million dollars

and not do the
Dr. Evil pinkie thing?

God, I hate you, Lewbert!

Spencer! A sidebar, if you will?

I do not have one
million dollars.

Ugh.

: One
million dollars.

We're gonna fight this.

Lewbert, I will
see you in court!

Carly, we're already in court.

I know, but how many other
chances will I have to say that?

Several. We did a lot
of messed-up stuff

when we were kids.

Carly, are you sure
Spencer can pull this off?

Objection! Move to strike.

Freddie's annoying
negative opinion.

The trial hasn't
even started yet.

I'll allow it.

Hello, Your Honor.

I stand before you, ready
to establish mens rea.

Objection! Mens rea?

Isn't that the dating
app for famous people?

No. That's Raya.

I would know.

Sustained.

"Mens rea" is a legal term

that means "intent
of wrong-doing."

After I left the Bushwell, I
put myself through law school,

and now I have a successful
personal injury firm

called, "Sue With Lew."

I call to the stand
Fredward Benson!

I'm gonna bury him.

This is gonna be the
best day of my life.

You really need to get out
more, but go get 'em, tiger!

I'm so glad you
suggested this spa day.

I'm already feeling better
about dumping Olive.

You dumped Olive?

Faster than a couple that
got engaged on The Bachelor.

I need someone older
who I vibe with.

And I'm loving these vibes.

And you called me bestie, so...

Yeah, everyone
uses that term now.

My bank's Twitter
calls me bestie.

Oh. Okay.

It's 'cause I was
having so much fun,

and my face is
feeling so exfoliated.

Does that mean we
aren't besties?

Uh... of course we are!

I'm just playing
with you, bestie!

Ah, you got me, bestie!

I love fake-outs.
So mature of us.

Or "ma-ture." Adults
love to hit that T hard.

Muffins? Well!
Don't mind if I do.

Pretty horrific,
wouldn't you say?

No, I wouldn't.

- And none of it was...
- Your idea?

Oh, I know, sweet Freddie.

After all, whose
name is on the show?

Carly.
But that's not...

Your fault. Of
course not, I agree.

Why wasn't it "WeCarly"?

We actually did discuss it,

but apparently it tested poorly.

With who?

Carly.

It ain't called the "We-ternet."

And isn't it true
you had a deep,

unrequited love for Carly?

Hey, it was
occasionally requited.

Like when I threw myself
in front of a taco truck

to save her.

So only when you're hurt.

Sounds less like
love and more like pity.

Well, if you're gonna
go off of how it sounds,

and looks, and is

then yes.

And now aren't you
back where you started?

Producing iCarly,
doing her bidding,

even entering into
a fake relationship,

all for whose benefit?

Carly.

Oh, God.

What has become of me?

Who am I?

No further questions,
Your Honor.

Spencer! You gotta do something.

Get Freddie back on our side.

Your Honor, permission to wrap
the witness in a warm hug.

Your Honor, I've got a
slew of other witnesses,

all who will attest to
Carly's horrific ways.

He got Guppy? What bad things
is he gonna say about us?

He's sweet. Hi, Guppy!

Happy birthday!

Ah!

Don't look at her, Mr. Gibson.

I called you here
because you were witness

to the pain and suffering
inflicted by Carly Shay

on your brother, Gibby.

Gibby!

Well, Gibby wanted to do
those stunts most of the time.

Uh-huh! Most of the time,

which means some of the time
he didn't want to do them.

Let the record show
some of the time

he didn't wanna do them!

I liked it better when I
just said happy birthday.

Is it anyone's birthday?

Happy birthday!

I call to the stand
model Bushwell tenant,

and just the cutest little
angel you've ever seen,

Chuck Chambers!

No. No! No.

What's in the box?
What's in the box?!

Tell us why you're here today.

To state that the Shay siblings

are evil incarnate.

Carly played mind games with
me when she was my tutor.

And Spencer, he
locked me in a cage.

He squirted me with
suspicious liquid,

and once, he threw
a cupcake at me.

You liar! You did
all that stuff to me!

Spencer! Get it together.

He brought Chuck here to
throw you off your game.

Oh, you're right.

Just breathe, Spencey.
Take a sip of water.

You wish it was water.

Come here, you little demon elf!

Order, order!

Stop that!

Get him out of here!

You want the truth?

You can't handle the truth!

Avenge me, Carly!

Um, Your Excellency

in light of...

Well, you saw it...

I hereby nominate myself
to represent myself.

Can I do that?

Only if you grab me
one of those cupcakes.

Carter, let's hurry.

If we're late, they'll seat
us at a communal table,

and I'm not sitting
next to a paralegal

who had a bad day.

Or... we could always
just stay here.

Oh.

Hey, bestie!

Um... hey, Millicent.

Now's not a good time.

We're actually about
to go to dinner.

Hey, little mama. I'm Carter.

I'm not your mother,
Carter. I'm Harper's bestie.

Wait. You guys are
best friends? Cool.

So are you really
young, or really short?

No judgment either way.

So we're gonna go, but you
can stay as long as you like.

Hold up. I got some
questions for this one.

Where were you born?
What's your credit score?

Why are you not wearing socks?

You're not going on a boat.
Are you going on a boat?

Um... I should go.

I think you need to put
your bestie in time-out.

No, wait. You have such
great bone structure, please.

His loss, bestie.

Now, let's hang out forever.

So what's your plan?

I have called up the one
person who hates Lewbert

as much as we do.

I'm going to turn that
doorman into a doormat.

Nailed it.

Lewbert was a horrible menace
to everyone in the building.

He turned the Bushwell
into the Bush hell.

Nailed it again,
Benson.

Wow, Mrs. Benson, thank you

for that case-shattering
testimony.

Lewbert, the witness
is all yours.

She was once
mine, wasn't she?

Hello, Marissa.

Seeing you almost makes
me want to smile again.

But, sadly, I was
robbed of that ability

by one Ms. Carly Shay.

Can it, Lewb. I'm
not falling for it.

But I fell for you.

You nursed me back to health

after Carly's exploding
muffin basket attack.

You put cream on my...

Oh, I can't even say it.

Your wart.

I can still smell your perfume.

And you never forget the
scent of your first love.

Permission to kiss the witness.

Permission freaking granted.

Objection!

Your Honor, are you gonna
let this just happen

in your courtroom?

Yeah.

I am strangely into it.

Ugh...

Mrs. Benson was our last hope.

We're screwed.

Your Honor, I no longer
want to sue Ms. Carly Shay

for one million dollars.

He didn't do the
pinky thing again!

Thank God. He's
dropping the case.

Wrong
again, Carlificent!

I just want more.

I want the money and
ownership of iCarly.

What? You can't
take that from me.

But you can take as much of me
as you want, you greedy bastard.

This is really it.
Lewbert Sline is going

to destroy my life.

This is the end of iCarly.

Freddie, Lewbert smiled.

I think I know how to win this.

Your Grace...

I, Carly Shay,

call myself, Carly Shay,

to the stand.

If I may be permitted
this rare privilege.

Dear, well, that literally
happens all the time.

Well, it's new to me, so
I think it's exciting.

Are you enjoying your adult
meal of cauliflower crust pizza

with cashew cheese
and tofu pepperoni?

You can't just call
things other things

and pretend they
actually taste good.

So, thanks for taking me
to your lawyer's office

so I can make a living will.

It was very fun, and
not at all depressing.

Your life seems like
so much more fun

- when I see you with Carly.
- Oh, at our age,

we're just riding
high on supplements.

Oh, well, I'm out.

Carly's getting killed in trial,

and I gotta risk it all
to support her in court.

- You got our pizza?
- Huh?

I got spa day, you get this.

That's what adult besties do.

And you're my adult
bestie, right?

Yes, sure am, and I
definitely have the money.

Ha!

Okay, well, love you, mean
it. Bye, bestie.

Oh, hello, Millicent.

Fancy meeting you here.

Olive, I was wrong.

Grown-up stuff is not fun.

They spend all their time
getting stuff reappraised.

I'm sorry, Olive. I
should've been your bestie.

Instead, I was your worstie.

I forgive you.

But, hey, who's gonna pay

- for this nasty pizza?
- Nobody.

Kids dine and dash.

Let's go, bestie.

Dash, Olive, dash!

Wow, three hours of
all my wrongdoings.

You want to take a break?

Mm. I've got stamina.

Just ask Marissa.

I was perpetually exhausted.

I am going to set
myself on fire.

Is there anything you'd
like to say for yourself?

Yes. I want to say thank you.

Objection! I...

Huh?

Do you remember when you sneezed
into Spencer's open mouth

- and got him sick?
- Ooh, I do!

It tasted like seaweed
and dirty kitchen sponge.

That was an accident.

But that accident
led to so much more.

After Spencer got sick,
he couldn't take me

to the Air Force
Father-Daughter Dance,

so my dad came from Italy
and he took me instead.

Right after she said
"no" to me taking her.

I'm fine.

I went back with him to
Italy, where I fell in love

with gelato.

And then, when I came back
here, Skybucks was trying out

these new gelato-infused lattes.

Oh. "Ge-lattes."

We melted ice cream into coffee

and charged people
$12. Allegedly.

And that's where I met Harper.

I love who I am today.

So, win or lose this case,

no one can take
that away from me.

My life is so much
better now, thanks

to you.

Your life is better?

: No!

Are you kidding me?

Her life is better?

Three
years of law school

and student loans

and selling my hair like
Fantine from Les Mis.

Wait. Did you go to law
school just to get back at me?

Of course I did!

And now you thanking me!

Oh, my God! The wart!

- I need the name of that concealer.
- Same.

Oh!

Oh!

Oof!

No!

Not again! Ugh!

You see? This is what
I was talking about.

He's unhinged, untrustworthy,
and clearly unwell.

I move to dismiss.

- Yes!

No, that's not how court works.

Why? He was faking everything.

This man is guilty of
being shrill and repulsive,

but you tormented him.

I'm ruling in his favor.

So Lewbert gets my show?

That's also not how court works.

Have you heard of
the First Amendment?

You can't stop someone from
making an okay web show.

Well, it's not for
you, Your Honor.

Your actions have
consequences, Ms. Shay.

I'm awarding Mr. Sline $250,000

for pain and suffering.

You can cheer now.

: Yay. What a victory.

To Carly, for putting
Lewbert in his place.

And to Spencer, for
paying that settlement.

What are brothers for?

Sure, I won't be able to
get that animatronic giraffe

that chews my salad for me.

Just kidding, I'm getting
it. I'm really rich, guys.

How'd you know your speech
was gonna crack Lewbert?

'Cause he said he lost
his ability to smile,

but then he smiled
when he thought

I was gonna lose everything.

I knew he was faking it.

You know who isn't faking it?

My mom. I really
regret sharing a wall.

- Get it, Grandma B.
- Mm. Uh-uh.

Silver lining to the trial.

Chuck and I made up. He
even got me another box

of cupcakes as a peace offering.

- Mm...
- No.

Uh, people do change...

Oh!

Deliciously played, Chuck.

Deliciously played.

Ooh!

He hates these cans.