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Ladies and gentlemen!
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The president of Ukraine!
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Then the trumpets play.
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-Vasyl Petrovych.
-Yes?
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You're still seated. Get out of the limo.
6
00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:36,799
-Stand here.
-Yes.
7
00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:37,679
Feet straight.
8
00:00:37,759 --> 00:00:40,600
Close your eyes.
Now open them. That's better.
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00:00:40,679 --> 00:00:42,000
Let's go. Go, go!
10
00:00:42,079 --> 00:00:44,479
The honor guard commander
will greet you here.
11
00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:47,240
Dear Mr President...
Blah-blah-blah. Shake his hand.
12
00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:49,320
Shake it, shake it. Great. Keep going.
13
00:00:49,399 --> 00:00:52,280
No slouching.
Walk gracefully, and chin up higher.
14
00:00:52,359 --> 00:00:55,200
Smile. The usual, light presidential walk.
15
00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:57,960
-I won't be able to.
-You can do it. We'll make sure of it.
16
00:00:58,039 --> 00:00:59,039
Mind the steps.
17
00:00:59,119 --> 00:01:01,159
-Three steps. Just like tomorrow.
-Sure.
18
00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:03,320
Naval cadets. Real lookers!
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00:01:03,399 --> 00:01:05,239
Don't forget to faint tomorrow.
20
00:01:05,319 --> 00:01:06,959
Chin higher and no slouching.
21
00:01:07,439 --> 00:01:10,439
-And stop here. Wonderful. Smile.
-Oh, right.
22
00:01:10,519 --> 00:01:12,719
Chin higher. And more.
23
00:01:12,799 --> 00:01:13,719
Wow.
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00:01:13,799 --> 00:01:15,799
-The chandelier? A beauty.
-Awesome.
25
00:01:15,879 --> 00:01:17,439
-Eight million euros.
-Really?
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-The first president got it at auction.
-Suburbia.
27
00:01:21,159 --> 00:01:22,359
How about breakfast?
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Thanks, but I'm not hungry.
29
00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:26,040
Suit yourself. I'm digging in.
30
00:01:27,159 --> 00:01:29,640
-Later. And then we climb the stairs.
-Yes.
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Guardsmen will stand here tomorrow.
Smile and walk straight.
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Along the marble steps.
They're Italian. And antique.
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Marie Antoinette climbed them, as well.
34
00:01:38,079 --> 00:01:39,640
-Where to?
-To the guillotine.
35
00:01:39,719 --> 00:01:43,560
By the way, the chandelier
used to be silver, but now it's gold.
36
00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:45,599
-Remember the crash in 2008?
-Sure.
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00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:47,280
-There it is.
-Right.
38
00:01:47,359 --> 00:01:49,920
-Now back upright, inhale, exhale.
-I'm breathing.
39
00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:52,719
-Actually, that's easy.
-Seven filtration levels.
40
00:01:52,799 --> 00:01:53,599
-Really?
-Yes.
41
00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:55,280
-Obama has six.
-Interesting.
42
00:01:55,359 --> 00:01:57,319
Your predecessor liked symbolism.
43
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-Wow.
-A birdie. Yanukovich!
44
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You swallow!
45
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-It talks.
-It does.
46
00:02:02,879 --> 00:02:06,319
Moving on... And stop here.
Stand on the endangered-species book.
47
00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:09,039
-The what?
-It's made of 17 rare tree species.
48
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-Really?
-Yes. Now to the balcony.
49
00:02:11,319 --> 00:02:13,120
-This way?
-Yes, enter the balcony.
50
00:02:13,199 --> 00:02:17,159
Here are the guests and members
of Parliament. Wave. Wave your hand.
51
00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:18,560
Bless them.
52
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A by-product of the old job.
53
00:02:20,719 --> 00:02:22,599
-Close your eyes. Now open them.
-Yes.
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That's definitely better.
55
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PRESIDENTIAL ADMINISTRATION OF UKRAINE
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-The guardsmen open the door.
-Okay.
57
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Trumpets blow, there's applause,
and then you enter!
58
00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:53,479
The camera flashes for 20 seconds.
It's easy.
59
00:03:53,560 --> 00:03:55,639
-Smile. Keep smiling.
-Right.
60
00:03:55,719 --> 00:03:58,719
We'll work on your smile later.
And now approach the rostrum.
61
00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:00,080
Here we are.
62
00:04:01,599 --> 00:04:02,719
-Mr President.
-Yes?
63
00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:04,680
Which one of us is the president?
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00:04:04,759 --> 00:04:06,199
-I am.
-Exactly.
65
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:08,199
Then, perhaps, face the auditorium?
66
00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:10,439
-Let's switch places!
-I'm nervous.
67
00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:13,120
Approach the rostrum and read the speech.
68
00:04:13,199 --> 00:04:15,159
Oh, the speech. Alright.
69
00:04:18,519 --> 00:04:20,680
My fellow countrymen...
70
00:04:20,759 --> 00:04:22,199
-My fellow...
-Never mind.
71
00:04:22,279 --> 00:04:23,879
Sorry, my mistake.
72
00:04:23,959 --> 00:04:25,759
We need to stretch your vocal range.
73
00:04:25,839 --> 00:04:28,800
For starters, try: "bda, bdi, bdo, bdu!"
74
00:04:28,879 --> 00:04:31,439
-Bda, bdi, bdo, bdu.
-Outstanding.
75
00:04:31,519 --> 00:04:33,639
-Bda, bdi, bdo...
-Now a tongue twister...
76
00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:35,000
Thus,
77
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the opposition tried lobbying,
lobbied, and failed to lobby.
78
00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:39,199
As fast as that?
79
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:43,360
The opposition tried lobbying,
lobbied, and failed to lobby.
80
00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:45,800
-Walnuts.
-No, thanks.
81
00:04:45,879 --> 00:04:46,839
You must.
82
00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:47,759
Why?
83
00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:53,839
The opposition tried lobbying,
lobbied, failed to lobby.
84
00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:55,160
-I see. Good.
-Okay.
85
00:04:56,839 --> 00:04:58,279
-Like the Greeks?
-Yes.
86
00:04:59,279 --> 00:05:01,519
The opposition tried lobbying,
lobbied,
87
00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:02,720
and failed to lobby.
88
00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:05,800
The opposition tried lobbying,
lobbied, and failed to lobby.
89
00:05:05,879 --> 00:05:06,839
-Superb.
-Thanks.
90
00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:07,920
Now a harder one...
91
00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:11,519
There's a fisherman named Fisher,
who fished in a fissure.
92
00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:14,079
Till a fish with a grin
pulled the fisherman in.
93
00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:17,160
There's a fisherman named Fisher,
who fished in a fissure.
94
00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:19,000
-Till a fish...
-The fisherman in!
95
00:05:19,079 --> 00:05:21,120
Till a fish pulled the fisherman in.
96
00:05:21,199 --> 00:05:22,240
-Great.
-Thank you.
97
00:05:22,319 --> 00:05:24,240
-Excellent. Now my favorite...
-Okay.
98
00:05:24,319 --> 00:05:27,279
-Trotted Trump along the trail...
-Then what?
99
00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:29,879
Nothing. We've stretched our vocals!
100
00:05:29,959 --> 00:05:31,560
Now let's read the speech.
101
00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:33,160
I'll try.
102
00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:37,639
My fellow...
103
00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:42,439
Listen, could I say "dear Ukrainians"
instead of "my fellow countrymen"?
104
00:05:43,279 --> 00:05:44,800
-It's more sincere.
-Sure!
105
00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:49,360
Dear Ukrainians.
106
00:05:49,439 --> 00:05:51,480
Good. But no muttering under your breath.
107
00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:53,480
Right. Dear Ukrainians.
108
00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:55,040
Superb. A little louder.
109
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Dear Ukrainians!
110
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By the same token,
there's no need to yell.
111
00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:00,639
Dear Ukrainians.
112
00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:01,920
That's too fast.
113
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:03,519
-Got it.
-More measured.
114
00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:05,600
Dear...
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00:06:07,399 --> 00:06:08,319
Ukrainians.
116
00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:10,800
Everybody has dozed off.
117
00:06:10,879 --> 00:06:14,319
There's no need for such dramatic pauses.
Please, Mr President.
118
00:06:14,399 --> 00:06:16,319
Calmly, softer...
119
00:06:16,759 --> 00:06:17,720
See, he's nervous.
120
00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:19,759
-Pardon me.
-Thanks, Yuriy Ivanovich.
121
00:06:19,839 --> 00:06:22,199
-You're welcome.
-Start over, as if I'm not here.
122
00:06:22,279 --> 00:06:24,480
Okay. Ready, steady. Got it.
123
00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:26,560
Dear Ukrainians!
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A quarter of a century ago,
125
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we... started...
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00:06:31,439 --> 00:06:32,879
No, please stop. Sorry.
127
00:06:32,959 --> 00:06:33,959
Like this...
128
00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:35,920
Try it a few times with the nuts.
129
00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:38,839
Then the speech will flow like a song.
Trust me on this one.
130
00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:40,800
Back straight, and smile.
131
00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:43,720
You're on! Now the speech!
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00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:46,160
Dear Ukrainians.
133
00:06:47,639 --> 00:06:48,759
Quarter of a...
134
00:06:48,839 --> 00:06:50,439
-A quarter!
-A quarter.
135
00:06:50,519 --> 00:06:53,839
A quarter of a century ago,
we started building...
136
00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:57,040
-Started!
-Started building a new nation.
137
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-Nation.
-Nation.
138
00:06:58,720 --> 00:06:59,639
-Nation.
-Good!
139
00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:02,160
-A new nation conceived...
-Conceived!
140
00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:03,160
Conceived.
141
00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:05,199
Conceived in liberty
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00:07:05,279 --> 00:07:08,879
and with a belief
in equal rights for all citizens!
143
00:07:08,959 --> 00:07:11,879
-Great! Now just like a tongue twister...
-Got it.
144
00:07:11,959 --> 00:07:13,160
Dear Ukrainians!
145
00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:14,519
A quarter of a century ago,
146
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:18,480
we started building a new nation
conceived in liberty
147
00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:21,920
and with a belief in equal rights
for all citizens.
148
00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:22,800
Splendid!
149
00:07:25,199 --> 00:07:26,879
-No, not a bit.
-Now what?
150
00:07:26,959 --> 00:07:31,639
Isn't this Abraham Lincoln's
Gettysburg Address of 1863?
151
00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:32,720
Really?
152
00:07:33,319 --> 00:07:35,480
That's actually great. Wonderful!
153
00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:39,040
Nobody here will notice,
and Lincoln's homeland will praise it.
154
00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:40,759
You'll have to ask them for money.
155
00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:44,399
Then how about I use my own words?
156
00:07:44,839 --> 00:07:47,480
My dearest Vasyl Petrovych, hear me out.
157
00:07:47,560 --> 00:07:49,560
Trust in my lifelong experience.
158
00:07:49,639 --> 00:07:53,439
Any ad-libbing leads to Bushisms like,
"They misunderestimated me."
159
00:07:53,519 --> 00:07:55,879
Therefore, let's keep to the text, please.
160
00:07:57,160 --> 00:07:57,959
Okay, then.
161
00:08:03,279 --> 00:08:05,160
Dear Ukrainians!
162
00:08:12,279 --> 00:08:14,160
Behold the matchmakers at your abode!
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00:08:14,759 --> 00:08:16,439
To the bride of the household.
164
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:20,879
Be disinclined to declining,
and inclined toward accepting.
165
00:08:20,959 --> 00:08:22,439
Are you Jehovah's Witnesses?
166
00:08:23,439 --> 00:08:26,639
You have a product, we have a merchant.
167
00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:28,959
You've got a maiden,
we've got a gentleman.
168
00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:31,959
-I don't understand. Who are you?
-Slavik's parents.
169
00:08:32,039 --> 00:08:34,720
And we came to be matchmakers
for your Natalya.
170
00:08:34,799 --> 00:08:37,919
We found a match for the maiden...
171
00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:38,879
Enough.
172
00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:41,360
Don't you know Slavik dumped her
six months ago?
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Poor girl was more dead than alive.
174
00:08:43,799 --> 00:08:44,639
Come here.
175
00:08:45,039 --> 00:08:46,279
Say what you wanted to.
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I made a mistake, Natasha.
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00:08:49,039 --> 00:08:49,960
Louder!
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00:08:50,799 --> 00:08:53,559
I made a huge mistake. Forgive me, please.
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00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:55,440
Yeah, as if!
180
00:08:55,519 --> 00:08:58,399
-I'm begging you.
-It's over, Slavik. Hit the road!
181
00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:00,039
Please, forgive him!
182
00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:01,080
Excuse us.
183
00:09:01,159 --> 00:09:02,679
No, wait, please!
184
00:09:04,159 --> 00:09:04,960
But you have...
185
00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:07,799
one more unmarried dove available.
186
00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:12,039
We found a match for the maiden...
187
00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:14,399
Goodbye!
188
00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:17,279
Did you just see that?
189
00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:19,960
What's wrong?
190
00:09:20,039 --> 00:09:22,879
I'm waiting for someone like Prince Harry,
191
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,080
yet they're peddling that swamp creature!
192
00:09:25,799 --> 00:09:28,639
...found a match for the maiden...
193
00:09:29,279 --> 00:09:30,679
Let's have breakfast.
194
00:09:32,879 --> 00:09:35,919
Okay, now is the most important part
of the ceremony.
195
00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:37,480
Accepting congratulations!
196
00:09:37,559 --> 00:09:38,720
-Yes.
-Let's start.
197
00:09:38,799 --> 00:09:40,200
-What should I do?
-Not much.
198
00:09:40,279 --> 00:09:42,559
Smile, nod, and shake hands.
199
00:09:42,639 --> 00:09:45,759
Most importantly, say little
to avoid apologizing a lot later.
200
00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:47,000
-Okay.
-Have a seat.
201
00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:48,480
Ladies and gentlemen!
202
00:09:48,559 --> 00:09:51,879
The President of the United States,
Barack Obama.
203
00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:53,080
-Rise.
-Okay.
204
00:09:53,759 --> 00:09:55,200
Wow, is it him in person?
205
00:09:59,399 --> 00:10:01,240
Sorry, I don't understand you.
206
00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:04,759
Incidentally, why is Obama needed
if he won't be attending?
207
00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:06,679
Understood. Kolya, go home.
208
00:10:06,759 --> 00:10:07,840
Bears no resemblance!
209
00:10:07,919 --> 00:10:11,639
I agree. We just wanted
to be close to reality. Be seated.
210
00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:13,360
Ladies and gentlemen!
211
00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:15,120
Angela Merkel!
212
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:16,240
-Rise.
-Sure.
213
00:10:19,919 --> 00:10:21,639
Hi there, Vasyl Petrovych.
214
00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:25,360
Valya, what's with the informality?
We can't have "hi there".
215
00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:28,840
Next you'll be saying "shalom".
Give me Merkel. Act Merkel!
216
00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:33,360
-Guten abend, Herr Vasyl Petrovych.
-Guten abend.
217
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:35,720
-Shake the hand softly.
-Softly.
218
00:10:35,799 --> 00:10:36,879
She should dominate.
219
00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:40,279
The shake decides how much aid
Germany's central bank will give us.
220
00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:41,960
-Danke schoen.
-Valya!
221
00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:43,639
Your German needs work!
222
00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:45,840
I don't think her Bavarian accent is bad.
223
00:10:45,919 --> 00:10:47,120
-Take a seat.
-Thanks.
224
00:10:47,519 --> 00:10:48,799
Ladies and gentlemen!
225
00:10:48,879 --> 00:10:50,759
Sarkozy and Putin.
226
00:10:55,679 --> 00:10:56,559
Why is Putin here?
227
00:10:56,639 --> 00:10:59,120
And Sarkozy.
Hollande is the president of France.
228
00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:03,200
Sorry, that was organized
from last year's list.
229
00:11:03,279 --> 00:11:05,279
Okay, Sarkozy guy, get lost.
230
00:11:05,679 --> 00:11:07,720
Putin, beat it! Make it snappy!
231
00:11:07,799 --> 00:11:10,200
-Sorry!
-Quick! I don't want to see you again.
232
00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:15,200
The President of Belarus,
Alexander Lukashenko.
233
00:11:15,279 --> 00:11:16,799
-No need to get up.
-I see.
234
00:11:21,039 --> 00:11:22,600
Excuse me. I have to take this.
235
00:11:23,519 --> 00:11:26,360
Hello, Olya, is it urgent, or can it wait?
236
00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:28,600
Mr President, I just wanted to remind you
237
00:11:28,679 --> 00:11:32,120
that today you have a pre-set visitation
scheduled with your son.
238
00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:36,360
But given your knack for carelessness
and newly-found burden of responsibility,
239
00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:38,600
you most likely forgot about it, right?
240
00:11:38,679 --> 00:11:42,440
Olya, nobody forgot about anything.
We just went astray. I'm leaving now.
241
00:11:44,679 --> 00:11:46,879
Yuriy Ivanovich,
can we take a short break?
242
00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:48,080
I need to leave.
243
00:11:48,159 --> 00:11:48,960
To go where?
244
00:11:49,039 --> 00:11:50,360
To take my son to the zoo.
245
00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:51,320
Tolya...
246
00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:55,159
40 bodyguards, 5 snipers, 1 chopper.
247
00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:56,399
Two hours to get ready.
248
00:11:56,480 --> 00:11:59,440
-Is there an easier way?
-We could bring the animals here.
249
00:11:59,519 --> 00:12:01,960
-It would only take one hour to prepare.
-So be it.
250
00:12:02,039 --> 00:12:03,200
-Get it done.
-Thanks.
251
00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:10,879
We're having fun, aren't we?
252
00:12:11,879 --> 00:12:12,840
It's not crowded.
253
00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:15,720
Giddy up.
254
00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:22,559
Why the sad face?
255
00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:25,159
We were supposed to go to the zoo.
256
00:12:26,519 --> 00:12:28,679
Son, I can't be blamed for the rain.
257
00:12:28,759 --> 00:12:30,320
All in all, it's not that bad.
258
00:12:30,399 --> 00:12:33,039
Kiev Zoo currently has
fewer animals than here.
259
00:12:37,159 --> 00:12:38,360
Want to play a game?
260
00:12:39,279 --> 00:12:40,399
Joy and sorrow.
261
00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:42,240
You start.
262
00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:45,240
Okay, I'll start, then.
263
00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:47,799
Name the biggest...
264
00:12:48,759 --> 00:12:50,279
joy you've had this week.
265
00:12:53,039 --> 00:12:54,399
When you became president.
266
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:57,039
Now you're
the second coolest dad in class.
267
00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:59,039
Why only the second?
268
00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:03,559
-Kovalenko's dad drives a Dodge.
-He drives a Dodge? Then he's outdone me.
269
00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:05,879
But you're in a solid second place.
270
00:13:06,559 --> 00:13:07,799
A silver medal isn't bad.
271
00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:10,279
-Next one?
-Sure.
272
00:13:10,879 --> 00:13:11,799
Sorrow.
273
00:13:13,639 --> 00:13:15,919
Is it true that you'll love me less now?
274
00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:18,559
Whatever gave you that idea?
275
00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:22,840
Well, you'll have to love
the whole country besides me.
276
00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:25,799
Son, even if I'm the president,
277
00:13:26,399 --> 00:13:29,399
I'm still your father,
and you're still my favorite son.
278
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:33,519
And I definitely love my country,
but you'll still be number one anyway.
279
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:35,879
I can swear on the nation's Constitution.
280
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:37,320
Never mind. Forget it.
281
00:13:37,399 --> 00:13:38,799
Okay, now...
282
00:13:41,039 --> 00:13:42,080
-What?
-In a second.
283
00:13:42,639 --> 00:13:44,720
-What happened?
-They say I have to go.
284
00:13:50,559 --> 00:13:51,639
Wave to Mom.
285
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:53,840
Watch your feet.
286
00:13:55,399 --> 00:13:57,639
We're a little late. I apologize.
287
00:13:57,720 --> 00:13:58,600
That's okay.
288
00:14:01,519 --> 00:14:05,679
Vasyl Petrovych, why don't you come
escorted by the honor guard next time?
289
00:14:05,759 --> 00:14:07,559
Sorry, it comes with the territory.
290
00:14:07,639 --> 00:14:09,799
Do lumps on heads also come with that?
291
00:14:09,879 --> 00:14:11,960
-Where's a lump? I don't see any.
-No lumps!
292
00:14:12,039 --> 00:14:13,679
-Dad?
-Yes, son?
293
00:14:13,759 --> 00:14:16,240
On my birthday, could you issue an order
294
00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:18,559
for mama to marry you again?
295
00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:24,720
-Son, that's not dad's job...
-A quorum is...
296
00:14:24,799 --> 00:14:25,799
He's the president!
297
00:14:25,879 --> 00:14:27,480
Better not. Please, stop.
298
00:14:28,559 --> 00:14:31,399
You'll just start arguing
and quarrelling again.
299
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:35,759
My mind can't handle a second divorce.
A pair of inline skates would be better.
300
00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:38,320
-Skates? A perfect choice. You got it!
-Sure.
301
00:14:38,399 --> 00:14:39,679
Okay, I have to run.
302
00:14:39,759 --> 00:14:41,799
I have... I'll call you. Bye!
303
00:14:41,879 --> 00:14:43,159
-Okay, later.
-Take care.
304
00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:54,279
I loved not the right person
I said not the right words!
305
00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:56,080
What a tiring mess this is.
306
00:14:56,159 --> 00:14:59,159
He's making a racket.
When will his batteries go dead?
307
00:14:59,240 --> 00:15:00,200
What should I do?
308
00:15:00,279 --> 00:15:01,639
Natasha, maybe talk to him?
309
00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:03,600
He might suddenly come to his senses.
310
00:15:03,679 --> 00:15:07,360
Right. Honey, don't fall for it.
That's exactly what your father would do.
311
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:10,480
-You'd better call the police.
-Who needs the police?
312
00:15:15,159 --> 00:15:16,399
Here's your police.
313
00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:18,720
-Petya!
-"Petya, Petya" what?
314
00:15:18,799 --> 00:15:21,480
Don't forget to wipe your street art
off the sidewalk.
315
00:15:21,559 --> 00:15:23,159
His love defaced the courtyard.
316
00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:24,519
So bothersome!
317
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,600
And ignorant, too.
318
00:15:26,679 --> 00:15:28,879
"Natasha, merry me." As in, "be merry."
319
00:15:29,519 --> 00:15:31,200
-What? That's incorrect?
-Mom!
320
00:15:31,679 --> 00:15:34,399
-Are we going to eat dinner?
-Yes, we are. Stop yelling.
321
00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:35,360
Yes.
322
00:15:37,799 --> 00:15:39,200
Mom, why the fifth plate?
323
00:15:39,279 --> 00:15:40,879
Ah, for Slavik!
324
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:46,440
I set it for Vasya,
just by force of habit.
325
00:15:46,519 --> 00:15:48,039
How is he, our sweetie?
326
00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:50,320
I'm sure
he's not dying of hunger, unlike me.
327
00:15:50,399 --> 00:15:52,279
-Mom, why aren't you moving?
-Here.
328
00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:56,000
Dumplings again.
329
00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:59,960
Sorry, but we can't afford
fois gras for dinner.
330
00:16:02,279 --> 00:16:03,159
And Vasya...
331
00:16:04,399 --> 00:16:05,919
is in clover right now, I guess.
332
00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:08,799
They're spoon-feeding him fine foods.
333
00:16:08,879 --> 00:16:12,080
Thus, Mr President,
to avoid any confusion...
334
00:16:12,159 --> 00:16:14,480
-This fork is for the main course.
-Okay.
335
00:16:14,559 --> 00:16:16,440
-These are salad forks.
-Salad.
336
00:16:16,519 --> 00:16:17,559
This is for lemons.
337
00:16:17,919 --> 00:16:19,679
These, for mussels and oysters.
338
00:16:19,759 --> 00:16:21,279
-Main...
-Moving on to spoons.
339
00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:22,440
Yes, to spoons.
340
00:16:22,519 --> 00:16:24,039
This is a soup spoon.
341
00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:26,080
-This is for spaghetti.
-Spaghetti.
342
00:16:26,159 --> 00:16:27,320
This one is for dessert.
343
00:16:27,399 --> 00:16:28,679
-And for butter.
-Butter.
344
00:16:28,759 --> 00:16:30,080
This is for coffee and tea.
345
00:16:30,159 --> 00:16:31,519
And knives are simple.
346
00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:35,759
Steak, dessert, appetizers,
fish and profiteroles.
347
00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:39,080
Got it? Excellent.
348
00:16:39,639 --> 00:16:40,679
In that case...
349
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:42,600
enjoy your meal.
350
00:17:11,119 --> 00:17:12,279
Have a good night.
351
00:17:12,359 --> 00:17:13,480
Good night.
352
00:17:15,319 --> 00:17:16,759
Nikita, bring that over.
353
00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:21,240
Right, what was it?
354
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:24,000
A quarter.
355
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,839
A quarter of a century ago, we started...
A quarter... Yes!
356
00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:30,799
A quarter...
357
00:17:32,279 --> 00:17:34,000
-Not asleep?
-I was practicing.
358
00:17:34,079 --> 00:17:35,720
Vasyl Petrovych, pardon me,
359
00:17:35,799 --> 00:17:37,400
but it didn't dawn on me to ask.
360
00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:39,200
Perhaps, you'd like...
361
00:17:39,279 --> 00:17:40,240
a first lady?
362
00:17:42,039 --> 00:17:42,839
What for?
363
00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:44,640
I don't know...
364
00:17:45,279 --> 00:17:47,519
You know better.
Either for this or that...
365
00:17:47,599 --> 00:17:49,279
Are you making fun of me?
366
00:17:49,359 --> 00:17:51,279
Good choice. Tomorrow is a tough day.
367
00:17:51,839 --> 00:17:53,200
Where is this coming from?
368
00:17:53,279 --> 00:17:55,400
You really amaze me! Goodbye.
369
00:17:56,559 --> 00:17:58,240
-Vasyl Petrovych?
-What now?
370
00:17:58,319 --> 00:18:00,480
If you change your mind,
here's the remote.
371
00:18:00,559 --> 00:18:03,119
Button one is for Angela.
Button two is for Violetta.
372
00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:05,400
-Three is for Edward.
-Forget the buttons.
373
00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:07,039
I told you, I'm fine. Thanks.
374
00:18:07,119 --> 00:18:08,960
Alone, then? Here's the remote.
375
00:18:09,039 --> 00:18:10,519
Okay, there's the remote.
376
00:18:10,599 --> 00:18:12,240
Goodbye and good night!
377
00:18:12,319 --> 00:18:13,160
Dreadful!
378
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:16,480
Where was I? Right, a quarter...
379
00:18:16,559 --> 00:18:17,920
Shit... How did it go...?
380
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:19,440
A quarter of a century...
381
00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:22,000
We started, we started... Yes.
382
00:18:22,079 --> 00:18:26,400
A quarter of a century ago,
we started building a nation.
383
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,039
Mr President!
384
00:18:28,839 --> 00:18:29,759
What is it now?
385
00:18:29,839 --> 00:18:31,920
Yuriy Ivanovich, I mean it now!
386
00:18:32,599 --> 00:18:34,559
-Yuriy Ivanovich!
-Vasyl Petrovych!
387
00:18:39,799 --> 00:18:40,599
A quarter of...
388
00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:46,519
Good evening, Vasyl Petrovych.
389
00:18:48,039 --> 00:18:48,839
Hello.
390
00:18:49,839 --> 00:18:51,160
Greetings, Mr Lincoln.
391
00:18:51,839 --> 00:18:52,880
Pleased to meet you.
392
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:53,920
How did you get...
393
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:55,519
I came to see how you were doing.
394
00:18:55,599 --> 00:18:56,720
Conscience in agony?
395
00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:03,720
-Abraham... What's your patronymic?
-Call me simply Mr President.
396
00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:07,599
Mr President, about this speech,
397
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:09,000
I wasn't going to pinch it.
398
00:19:09,079 --> 00:19:10,440
And why would you?
399
00:19:10,839 --> 00:19:12,480
You have a good speech on YouTube.
400
00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:18,720
But I didn't understand some of the words.
401
00:19:19,279 --> 00:19:22,920
The one that starts with "ass" -
that probably means "assembly", right?
402
00:19:23,559 --> 00:19:26,759
And what "holes" refers to,
I couldn't say.
403
00:19:27,599 --> 00:19:28,599
It's sort of...
404
00:19:30,079 --> 00:19:31,839
the state our country is in.
405
00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:33,440
There are "ass-embly-holes".
406
00:19:34,119 --> 00:19:35,559
-Clearly.
-Roughly that.
407
00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:37,519
Is that like our Great Depression?
408
00:19:37,599 --> 00:19:38,799
Kind of.
409
00:19:39,519 --> 00:19:40,720
And?
410
00:19:40,799 --> 00:19:42,000
And what?
411
00:19:42,079 --> 00:19:43,079
What will you do?
412
00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:44,480
What's your track record?
413
00:19:45,559 --> 00:19:46,680
Or is your limit
414
00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:49,119
five million YouTube views?
415
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:52,640
Actually, it was eight, not five.
416
00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:54,680
So. And second...
417
00:19:56,599 --> 00:19:57,440
Do you know,
418
00:19:59,039 --> 00:20:00,400
we have much in common.
419
00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:02,880
I also come from a simple family.
420
00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:05,920
I didn't believe in my powers either.
421
00:20:06,599 --> 00:20:08,400
But I managed to abolish slavery.
422
00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:11,200
I freed millions of slaves
423
00:20:11,839 --> 00:20:13,240
in the year 18...
424
00:20:13,799 --> 00:20:14,759
...62.
425
00:20:14,839 --> 00:20:16,440
-I remember.
-Bravo.
426
00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:21,160
Vasyl Petrovych,
you could also free your people.
427
00:20:23,519 --> 00:20:25,000
But we don't have slavery.
428
00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:28,400
Do you think millions of Ukrainians,
429
00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:32,599
who bust their backs working to the bone
just to feed the so-called elite,
430
00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:35,440
their houses, limousines and mansions,
aren't slaves?
431
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:38,599
But what can I do?
432
00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:43,519
Be yourself,
433
00:20:43,599 --> 00:20:45,359
Mr President.
434
00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:16,759
President Holoborodko
hasn't formally assumed office yet,
435
00:21:16,839 --> 00:21:18,519
but we're seeing changes already.
436
00:21:18,599 --> 00:21:21,400
For the first time,
the presidential inauguration
437
00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:25,119
won't take place in Parliament,
where renovation works are underway,
438
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:26,599
but in the House of Teachers.
439
00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:28,400
The deep symbolism is inescapable,
440
00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:32,240
as previously Vasyl Holoborodko
worked as a history teacher.
441
00:21:32,799 --> 00:21:35,559
Catastrophic!
We have 47 international delegations.
442
00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:36,799
Live media broadcasts!
443
00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:38,440
How did he ditch the motorcade?
444
00:21:38,519 --> 00:21:41,519
He said, "I don't need security
or a motorcade. I'll go alone."
445
00:21:41,599 --> 00:21:43,960
What was I to do?
Forcibly shove him into the car?
446
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:46,119
Maybe he's in trouble?
447
00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:47,039
I hope to God.
448
00:21:47,119 --> 00:21:47,920
I mean...
449
00:21:48,599 --> 00:21:49,519
not hope to God.
450
00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:56,000
To greet the president,
guards, present arms...!
451
00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:12,119
Why such a spectacle?
452
00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:14,640
A spectacle?
The door only opens from the outside.
453
00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:22,160
Mr President,
the honor guard company has formed.
454
00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:24,480
Honor Guard Commander General Sydorenko.
455
00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:27,720
Hello.
456
00:22:27,799 --> 00:22:29,000
-Good health.
-Thanks.
457
00:22:40,599 --> 00:22:44,240
Ladies and gentlemen,
the president of Ukraine!
458
00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:33,519
Dear fellow countrymen
459
00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:36,079
and guests of Ukraine.
460
00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:42,119
A quarter of a century ago,
we started building a new nation,
461
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:43,519
conceived
462
00:23:44,359 --> 00:23:47,319
in liberty
and with a belief in equal rights
463
00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:48,880
for all citizens.
464
00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:00,119
Vasyl Petrovych!
465
00:24:00,599 --> 00:24:02,880
Had any thoughts
on your inauguration speech?
466
00:24:03,519 --> 00:24:06,079
Sashko, what inauguration?
Who'll vote for me?
467
00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:08,160
What if they do?
468
00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:12,200
Then you'll gabble in front of the nation
while we feel ashamed.
469
00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:16,039
Enough of this fun.
We've got a test, so start writing.
470
00:24:16,119 --> 00:24:18,160
You should rehearse, Vasyl Petrovych.
471
00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:19,480
No rehearsals for me.
472
00:24:19,559 --> 00:24:23,000
-Who cares about the test!
-The inauguration is more important!
473
00:24:23,079 --> 00:24:24,599
Very well, then.
474
00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:27,000
All the shouting. Just to rehearse.
475
00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:29,319
Let's start.
476
00:24:30,519 --> 00:24:31,640
What should I do?
477
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:33,200
Place your hand on the Bible.
478
00:24:33,279 --> 00:24:35,720
Hand on the Bible...
Class, we don't have a Bible.
479
00:24:35,799 --> 00:24:38,279
But here's a class register.
And it's also sacred.
480
00:24:38,839 --> 00:24:40,200
-Which hand? Right?
-Yes.
481
00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:43,799
Okay, now.
482
00:24:45,920 --> 00:24:47,559
I have no idea where to even begin.
483
00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:48,960
That's what I meant.
484
00:24:50,319 --> 00:24:51,559
Say the usual things.
485
00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:53,839
Promise that everything will be good...
486
00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:57,519
Levchenko, I don't intend to promise
anything to anyone.
487
00:24:57,599 --> 00:25:00,720
That's right! The main thing is honesty
and using your own words.
488
00:25:00,799 --> 00:25:02,319
And at the end, do this...
489
00:25:03,279 --> 00:25:04,960
And it'll all be super.
490
00:25:05,039 --> 00:25:06,599
I'll certainly do so,
491
00:25:06,680 --> 00:25:10,319
only once you finally hand in your report
on the Zaporizhian Fort.
492
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:19,880
I beg your pardon.
493
00:25:21,559 --> 00:25:23,880
May I use my own words?
494
00:25:25,599 --> 00:25:26,880
You know,
495
00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:29,720
I'm a plain teacher of history.
496
00:25:31,119 --> 00:25:34,039
This is some story -
a history teacher makes it into history!
497
00:25:34,480 --> 00:25:35,359
Hilarious.
498
00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:40,359
According to the plan, I was supposed
to promise many things to you now.
499
00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:42,319
Well... But I...
500
00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:44,319
I won't make any promises.
501
00:25:45,319 --> 00:25:46,519
First, it's dishonest,
502
00:25:46,599 --> 00:25:48,920
and second, I'm not good at these things.
503
00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:51,000
For the time being.
504
00:25:51,359 --> 00:25:52,440
But I'll figure it out.
505
00:25:54,440 --> 00:25:55,400
I do know one thing.
506
00:25:55,480 --> 00:25:56,960
One should act in a way
507
00:25:58,319 --> 00:26:01,440
that doesn't evoke shame
when looking into children's eyes.
508
00:26:03,839 --> 00:26:05,119
Nor their parents'.
509
00:26:07,279 --> 00:26:09,640
Nor your eyes, of course.
510
00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:15,559
This is what I promise you,
the people of Ukraine.
511
00:26:25,359 --> 00:26:26,160
I thank you.
512
00:26:29,319 --> 00:26:30,880
REPORT ON THE ZAPORIZHIAN FORT
513
00:26:38,559 --> 00:26:40,559
Translation by Mark P. Raczkiewycz
36801
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