Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,712
Subs by kinglouisxx
for www.addic7ed.com
2
00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:06,006
Hey, Dad, why'd you get a bag
3
00:00:06,138 --> 00:00:07,723
of the big candy bars for Halloween?
4
00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:09,384
I told you fun-sized.
5
00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:12,471
You and I might have
a different definition of "fun."
6
00:00:13,222 --> 00:00:16,558
Louise and I lost our honeymoon
to roof repairs.
7
00:00:16,683 --> 00:00:19,770
Big disappointments require big candy.
8
00:00:20,646 --> 00:00:23,857
Okay, well, enjoy the fun
of big diabetes.
9
00:00:25,108 --> 00:00:27,069
Ah, screw it, I'll join you.
10
00:00:28,946 --> 00:00:33,200
So... how are things
at the hardware store?
11
00:00:33,325 --> 00:00:35,035
I don't think Ben's dating anyone,
12
00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:37,287
which is what
you're really asking about,
13
00:00:37,412 --> 00:00:40,123
but don't, because I don't
want to be in the middle.
14
00:00:40,249 --> 00:00:42,459
No, I was asking about
the hardware store.
15
00:00:42,584 --> 00:00:44,461
But since you brought it up,
16
00:00:44,586 --> 00:00:48,549
you could tell me if he has,
you know, sad eyes.
17
00:00:48,674 --> 00:00:50,133
I don't even know if he has eyes.
18
00:00:50,259 --> 00:00:52,678
We're men. We don't look
in each other's eyes.
19
00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:55,597
You've got to move on.
20
00:00:55,722 --> 00:00:57,891
I know, I know.
21
00:01:01,186 --> 00:01:02,980
See, this is why
I don't look in people's eyes.
22
00:01:03,105 --> 00:01:05,482
You look sad.
23
00:01:06,275 --> 00:01:08,569
You mind going in the kitchen
and doing that?
24
00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:14,700
Don't bring those sad eyes in here.
25
00:01:14,825 --> 00:01:17,744
Sorry. They've got to go somewhere.
26
00:01:19,454 --> 00:01:21,206
So, how's Aldo?
27
00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:23,584
He's still old, he's still tattooed,
28
00:01:23,709 --> 00:01:25,168
and I'm still into it.
29
00:01:25,294 --> 00:01:28,297
Hey, we haven't even
talked about Aldo...
30
00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:30,132
who, by the way, will be 100
31
00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:33,260
when you are in the prime
of your life at 81...
32
00:01:33,385 --> 00:01:35,345
so how about we grab a bite
33
00:01:35,470 --> 00:01:37,848
and discuss him calmly over lunch?
34
00:01:37,973 --> 00:01:39,558
There's nothing to talk about.
35
00:01:39,683 --> 00:01:42,436
Come on. There's this vegan
place I really want to try.
36
00:01:42,561 --> 00:01:44,938
It's got this really cool,
Eastern Zen theme,
37
00:01:45,063 --> 00:01:46,064
and there's a bookstore
38
00:01:46,189 --> 00:01:48,525
that specializes in spiritual wellness.
39
00:01:48,650 --> 00:01:49,693
Oh, so it's kind of like
40
00:01:49,818 --> 00:01:52,696
one-stop shopping for things
I find ridiculous.
41
00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:54,114
I'm hoping to find a book there
42
00:01:54,239 --> 00:01:55,657
about how to not beat my children
43
00:01:55,782 --> 00:01:57,618
when they're dismissive and insulting.
44
00:01:58,744 --> 00:02:00,704
You know, I was this close to going.
45
00:02:00,829 --> 00:02:02,748
- Really?
- No.
46
00:02:06,251 --> 00:02:07,711
Uh-uh-uh-uh.
47
00:02:07,836 --> 00:02:09,963
I know this looks like
an abandoned house
48
00:02:10,088 --> 00:02:12,591
from the outside,
but people actually live here,
49
00:02:12,716 --> 00:02:14,551
so take your nonsense elsewhere.
50
00:02:14,676 --> 00:02:15,469
They're with me.
51
00:02:15,594 --> 00:02:17,304
They're Aldo's kids, Melvin and Marvin.
52
00:02:17,429 --> 00:02:19,931
Oh. Hi, I'm... I'm Darlene.
53
00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:31,485
Okay, so this is the part
of the horror movie
54
00:02:31,610 --> 00:02:33,445
where I know something's terribly wrong,
55
00:02:33,570 --> 00:02:35,280
but nobody else gets it.
56
00:02:35,405 --> 00:02:38,950
You know, their predatory gaze
means they like you.
57
00:02:39,076 --> 00:02:40,702
Why are you babysitting his kids?
58
00:02:40,827 --> 00:02:43,121
We don't need a babysitter.
59
00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:45,582
We just need somebody
to say we were here.
60
00:02:48,210 --> 00:02:50,462
Delightful children.
61
00:02:50,587 --> 00:02:52,464
Harris, this is crazy.
62
00:02:52,589 --> 00:02:54,549
You're too young
to be playing stepmother.
63
00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:56,093
Where is their actual mother?
64
00:02:56,218 --> 00:02:58,303
You know what?
I'm gonna go with "hiding."
65
00:02:58,428 --> 00:02:59,513
She's not allowed to watch them.
66
00:02:59,638 --> 00:03:00,847
She's a drug addict.
67
00:03:00,972 --> 00:03:03,600
Oh, well, that's not gonna be
a problem down the line.
68
00:03:03,725 --> 00:03:05,102
Look, I don't have time to argue.
69
00:03:05,227 --> 00:03:07,062
I have to go walk them through
the metal detector at school.
70
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:08,939
Oh, wow.
71
00:03:09,064 --> 00:03:10,649
All the kids have to do that now?
72
00:03:10,774 --> 00:03:11,900
No.
73
00:03:14,069 --> 00:03:18,615
4x05 - Peter Pan, The Backup Plan,
Adventures in Babysitting, and a River Runs Through It
74
00:03:51,314 --> 00:03:53,442
You guys deserve a honeymoon.
75
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:57,320
How would you like to go
on a photo safari of Kenya,
76
00:03:57,446 --> 00:04:00,574
or travel on tall ships in Amsterdam?
77
00:04:00,699 --> 00:04:03,118
I'm not carrying around
some one-percenter's luggage
78
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:05,871
just so I can go someplace
I can't afford.
79
00:04:05,996 --> 00:04:09,332
But if it's old people
looking for a caregiver couple,
80
00:04:09,458 --> 00:04:12,335
I'll wipe a butt for Amsterdam.
81
00:04:12,461 --> 00:04:13,920
You don't have to wipe anything.
82
00:04:14,045 --> 00:04:15,922
All you have to do is sit on the couch.
83
00:04:16,047 --> 00:04:17,674
Yeah, it's virtual reality.
84
00:04:17,799 --> 00:04:20,594
Becky borrowed it from somebody
in her study group for the week.
85
00:04:20,719 --> 00:04:22,345
So, you just put the goggles on,
86
00:04:22,471 --> 00:04:23,597
go anywhere you want,
87
00:04:23,722 --> 00:04:26,349
and it'll feel like
you're actually there.
88
00:04:26,475 --> 00:04:28,435
I have stuff in my medicine cabinet
89
00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:31,521
that will also take me anywhere I want.
90
00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:34,733
It's already set up for
a canoe trip down the Amazon.
91
00:04:34,858 --> 00:04:36,735
Enjoy your honeymoon.
92
00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:40,447
Holy crap, Louise. Are you seeing this?
93
00:04:40,572 --> 00:04:41,239
It's amazing.
94
00:04:41,364 --> 00:04:42,908
Of course I'm seeing it.
95
00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:45,619
I'm... I'm sitting next to you
in the boat.
96
00:04:45,744 --> 00:04:47,287
Oh!
97
00:04:47,412 --> 00:04:48,413
Here comes a hippo!
98
00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:50,248
Whoa! Take the woman! Take my woman!
99
00:04:50,373 --> 00:04:52,292
There's more meat on the man!
100
00:04:52,417 --> 00:04:53,794
Take him!
101
00:04:56,505 --> 00:04:58,507
"Being Okay Being Alone."
102
00:04:58,632 --> 00:04:59,424
I read that.
103
00:04:59,549 --> 00:05:00,842
Want some company?
104
00:05:00,967 --> 00:05:04,429
Mm, chapter four says I don't need it.
105
00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:07,474
This place is fantastic.
106
00:05:07,599 --> 00:05:10,602
I found five books that solve problems
107
00:05:10,727 --> 00:05:12,187
I didn't even know I had.
108
00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:13,855
Really? Only five?
109
00:05:15,190 --> 00:05:17,609
Hi. I see you got the jackfruit tacos.
110
00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:19,152
That fills my heart with joy.
111
00:05:19,277 --> 00:05:22,989
All right, I'm gonna stop you right now.
112
00:05:23,114 --> 00:05:25,158
This poor woman
doesn't want to be hit on
113
00:05:25,283 --> 00:05:28,286
with your weird jackfruit pickup line.
114
00:05:28,411 --> 00:05:29,996
She's been through a brutal divorce,
115
00:05:30,121 --> 00:05:34,668
her teenage daughter is dating
a scary, tattooed, older guy,
116
00:05:34,793 --> 00:05:36,503
so just back off,
117
00:05:36,628 --> 00:05:41,216
let her eat whatever the hell that is,
118
00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:43,385
and find a book
that'll keep her from driving
119
00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:46,054
into the headlights of a semi.
120
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:48,098
I guess I don't need to worry
121
00:05:48,223 --> 00:05:50,517
about him hitting on me now, do I?
122
00:05:50,642 --> 00:05:52,519
Wait... Wait a second.
123
00:05:52,644 --> 00:05:53,770
Darlene?
124
00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:57,315
Gale?
125
00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:58,859
From high school?
126
00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:01,611
"Pale Gale, destined to fail"?
127
00:06:01,736 --> 00:06:04,656
Gale was a sad, wounded child.
128
00:06:04,781 --> 00:06:06,533
And the mocking didn't help.
129
00:06:07,534 --> 00:06:10,412
It's okay. It's River now.
130
00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:12,205
Oh, yeah, that's bulletproof.
131
00:06:12,330 --> 00:06:14,833
Well, at least
you're not as pale anymore.
132
00:06:14,958 --> 00:06:18,378
My eczema cream didn't allow me
to be in the sun.
133
00:06:18,503 --> 00:06:20,255
Not all of us
were creatures of the light,
134
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:21,882
were we, "Darklene"?
135
00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:25,218
We went through every grade together.
136
00:06:25,343 --> 00:06:27,345
I don't think we ever spoke
to each other.
137
00:06:27,470 --> 00:06:29,681
- Mnh-mnh.
- So, uh, what are you doing here?
138
00:06:29,806 --> 00:06:31,057
I own the place.
139
00:06:31,182 --> 00:06:34,144
Indoor job. Good call.
140
00:06:34,269 --> 00:06:36,146
Wow. I am shocked.
141
00:06:36,271 --> 00:06:37,772
You didn't seem particularly enlightened
142
00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:40,734
during the school's moment
of silence for Kurt Cobain.
143
00:06:40,859 --> 00:06:42,903
He held a bullhorn to his ass
and yelled,
144
00:06:43,028 --> 00:06:45,530
"I got something
that smells like teen spirit!"
145
00:06:45,655 --> 00:06:48,658
I-I was desperate for attention,
146
00:06:48,783 --> 00:06:52,662
and if we're gonna be objective,
that got a fantastic laugh.
147
00:06:52,787 --> 00:06:56,082
But while in library detention,
148
00:06:56,207 --> 00:06:58,251
I read a book about the Dalai Lama,
149
00:06:58,376 --> 00:07:00,295
and I found a road to happiness.
150
00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:02,631
Wow. Good for you.
151
00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:04,507
Yeah, I'd brag about
what I've been doing,
152
00:07:04,633 --> 00:07:06,259
but my aunt ruined that, didn't she?
153
00:07:06,384 --> 00:07:08,053
Well, I left out
that you're still living in
154
00:07:08,178 --> 00:07:09,888
your childhood bedroom.
155
00:07:11,056 --> 00:07:12,849
No, no, you didn't.
156
00:07:12,974 --> 00:07:14,100
Ah.
157
00:07:14,225 --> 00:07:18,355
Maybe I can find a book
that helps me stop blurting.
158
00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:19,731
I'm a blurter.
159
00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:24,402
Well, I am really impressed,
160
00:07:24,527 --> 00:07:25,820
and, uh, it's really cool
161
00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:27,364
that a book turned your life around.
162
00:07:27,489 --> 00:07:29,491
Maybe you could recommend
something for me.
163
00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,701
Yeah, "Time to Stop Trying
and Get Happy"
164
00:07:31,826 --> 00:07:33,620
is the name of a book on Taoism.
165
00:07:33,745 --> 00:07:35,372
It's about the whole Eastern thing
166
00:07:35,497 --> 00:07:38,124
about doing without trying.
167
00:07:38,249 --> 00:07:40,001
It can change your life.
168
00:07:40,126 --> 00:07:42,504
The author is giving
a lecture here tomorrow.
169
00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:45,006
Oh. Well, I'll try to make it.
170
00:07:45,131 --> 00:07:46,383
As the Tao says,
171
00:07:46,508 --> 00:07:48,802
don't try to make it
or you won't make it.
172
00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:51,262
Just make it.
173
00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:55,308
Wait. I'm not gonna have to
take my shoes off
174
00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:59,020
and dance to a guy playing
a bamboo flute at me, am I?
175
00:07:59,145 --> 00:08:01,022
No, no, of course not.
176
00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:03,066
But they are gonna strip you naked
177
00:08:03,191 --> 00:08:05,193
and paint you in owl's blood.
178
00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:07,028
Okay, you better be kidding.
179
00:08:07,153 --> 00:08:08,613
Yeah, I better be.
180
00:08:08,738 --> 00:08:10,115
No, really, you better be.
181
00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:12,200
Hey, I hope so, too.
182
00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:13,284
Gale.
183
00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:14,911
Okay, okay, I'm kidding.
184
00:08:15,036 --> 00:08:15,996
See you tomorrow, River.
185
00:08:16,121 --> 00:08:17,956
See you tomorrow, Darklene.
186
00:08:18,081 --> 00:08:21,501
This calamari's made out of jicama.
187
00:08:21,626 --> 00:08:23,378
It's so bad!
188
00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:29,050
I knew it. Damn that Hook.
189
00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:32,012
He won't rest till he gets ya, Peter.
190
00:08:32,137 --> 00:08:35,640
Oh, we had a little dust-up
during the game last night.
191
00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:39,644
It turns out an illegal capacity
of hard-drinking Bears fans
192
00:08:39,769 --> 00:08:43,732
don't like it when they get
cut off by a magical fairy.
193
00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:46,985
Somebody grabbed my left wing,
so I had to get rough.
194
00:08:47,110 --> 00:08:48,069
You know in the cartoons,
195
00:08:48,194 --> 00:08:49,821
when you hit someone with a frying pan,
196
00:08:49,946 --> 00:08:51,698
their face becomes the shape of the pan?
197
00:08:52,574 --> 00:08:55,910
In real life, it's just teeth
and blood everywhere.
198
00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:57,954
Oh. God. Was Beverly Rose here?
199
00:08:58,079 --> 00:08:59,789
Unfortunately, she was.
200
00:08:59,914 --> 00:09:01,416
The whole point of me working here
201
00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:03,501
was so I could bring her with me.
202
00:09:03,626 --> 00:09:05,211
Crazy drunks ruin everything.
203
00:09:05,336 --> 00:09:06,921
I mean, I should know that.
204
00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:08,757
What about Emilio watching her?
205
00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:11,509
I hate to ask him for anything extra.
206
00:09:11,634 --> 00:09:13,636
Even though our marriage is a sham,
207
00:09:13,762 --> 00:09:15,764
he's still crazy in love with me.
208
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:18,558
Must be awful to be close
to someone this hot
209
00:09:18,683 --> 00:09:20,518
and not be able to have her.
210
00:09:20,643 --> 00:09:21,686
Well, who knows?
211
00:09:21,811 --> 00:09:24,647
Maybe Emilio's decided
to start going for
212
00:09:24,773 --> 00:09:26,775
less delusional women.
213
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:28,443
You guys don't get how hard it is
214
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,570
having someone love you that much.
215
00:09:30,695 --> 00:09:32,238
Yeah. That's got to be tough,
216
00:09:32,363 --> 00:09:34,657
having that beautiful hunk
of spicy Latin meat
217
00:09:34,783 --> 00:09:36,743
in love with ya.
218
00:09:36,868 --> 00:09:38,578
I mean, I haven't tasted him,
219
00:09:38,703 --> 00:09:42,499
but I imagine he tastes like that.
220
00:09:42,624 --> 00:09:44,834
You know, there's only so long
221
00:09:44,959 --> 00:09:46,336
I can get away with telling people
222
00:09:46,461 --> 00:09:47,962
you're from a different era.
223
00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:54,219
Look at us. A mother and son
224
00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:56,596
spending a Saturday together
at a lecture.
225
00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:57,931
Enjoy it while you can,
226
00:09:58,056 --> 00:10:00,475
because all the books say
I'm gonna turn on you soon.
227
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:03,061
Well, please wait as long as possible.
228
00:10:03,186 --> 00:10:05,230
I can only battle one kid at a time.
229
00:10:05,355 --> 00:10:07,065
I can't believe Harris doesn't see
230
00:10:07,190 --> 00:10:09,275
that this guy Aldo is just using her.
231
00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:14,239
Okay, let's finish our tea
and we'll start in a second.
232
00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:17,742
I really want to ask something,
but I don't like the idea
233
00:10:17,867 --> 00:10:20,328
of opening myself up in front
of a bunch of strangers.
234
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:21,663
A stranger is just a friend
235
00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:24,082
who hasn't laughed
at your stupid question yet.
236
00:10:26,376 --> 00:10:27,544
Uh, Joanne?
237
00:10:27,669 --> 00:10:29,003
Just a quick question.
238
00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:33,842
How can I use Taoism to become
a less negative person?
239
00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:36,386
I'm asking for my son.
240
00:10:36,511 --> 00:10:37,512
And what's your name?
241
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:40,265
My name is Darlene.
242
00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:41,850
Very modern.
243
00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:44,477
Well, Darlene...
244
00:10:44,602 --> 00:10:47,188
negativity comes from
trying to hold onto things
245
00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:49,691
in a world that is constantly changing.
246
00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:51,234
When you understand that,
247
00:10:51,359 --> 00:10:55,155
you'll let go and begin to flow
with Chi and not against it.
248
00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:57,073
That's just giving into everything.
249
00:10:57,198 --> 00:10:59,159
For example,
if there's a 19year-old girl
250
00:10:59,284 --> 00:11:01,578
that wants to date a 38-year-old man,
251
00:11:01,703 --> 00:11:04,289
am I just supposed to go
with the flow with that?
252
00:11:04,414 --> 00:11:06,541
Did I say that how you
whispered it to me, Darlene?
253
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:10,211
"Giving in" isn't weakness.
254
00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:13,256
Like in kung fu,
255
00:11:13,381 --> 00:11:14,841
sometimes we retreat
256
00:11:14,966 --> 00:11:18,678
and then use the opponent's
momentum against them.
257
00:11:18,803 --> 00:11:21,598
We let them continue in
the direction they want to go,
258
00:11:21,723 --> 00:11:23,766
and that throws them off balance.
259
00:11:23,892 --> 00:11:26,311
Yeah, that's really interesting.
260
00:11:26,436 --> 00:11:29,063
Uh, Darlene, did you want to ask Joanne
261
00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:30,607
how Tao can help keep you
262
00:11:30,732 --> 00:11:32,525
from driving away everyone you love?
263
00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:34,235
Nope. Darlene's good.
264
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:35,570
Not holding onto things,
265
00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:38,907
ready to flow on out to the car
and listen to the radio.
266
00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:43,786
How's our honeymoon going?
267
00:11:43,912 --> 00:11:45,371
Amazing!
268
00:11:45,496 --> 00:11:47,624
I'm in the Florida Keys. Join me.
269
00:11:47,749 --> 00:11:49,667
Nah, I'm over it.
270
00:11:49,792 --> 00:11:51,461
Oh! Ooh! This is gonna be a big one.
271
00:11:51,586 --> 00:11:53,963
We're gonna be eating good tonight.
272
00:11:54,088 --> 00:11:55,632
Yeah, if you'd put that thing down,
273
00:11:55,757 --> 00:11:57,842
get off your ass,
and take me out to dinner.
274
00:11:57,967 --> 00:11:59,093
You put your goggles on,
275
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:01,471
I'll take you to Germany
for Oktoberfest.
276
00:12:01,596 --> 00:12:04,599
Oh, my God! Oh!
277
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:07,518
Look at the size of this thing!
278
00:12:07,644 --> 00:12:09,938
Take a picture.
279
00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:11,231
Click.
280
00:12:11,356 --> 00:12:12,440
Got it.
281
00:12:14,901 --> 00:12:15,902
Hey, Emilio.
282
00:12:16,027 --> 00:12:17,737
I didn't know you were still here.
283
00:12:17,862 --> 00:12:19,989
Took me a while
to get Beverly Rose to sleep.
284
00:12:20,114 --> 00:12:21,491
I was reading her the instructions
285
00:12:21,616 --> 00:12:22,659
of my new convection oven.
286
00:12:22,784 --> 00:12:24,202
There's a real twist at the end.
287
00:12:24,327 --> 00:12:25,662
You can do pizza.
288
00:12:25,787 --> 00:12:27,038
Blew her mind.
289
00:12:28,456 --> 00:12:30,750
Hey, I got to ask you a favor.
290
00:12:30,875 --> 00:12:32,710
Now that The Lunch Box
is serving alcohol,
291
00:12:32,835 --> 00:12:35,129
we got to come up with
a new schedule to watch her.
292
00:12:35,838 --> 00:12:37,090
You ever heard of a joke
that starts with
293
00:12:37,215 --> 00:12:38,549
"A baby walks into a bar"?
294
00:12:38,675 --> 00:12:40,760
- No.
- Well, there's a reason.
295
00:12:40,885 --> 00:12:43,638
Well, I can fill in the gaps.
296
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:46,140
And when I have to work,
297
00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:47,850
Gabriela can keep an eye on her.
298
00:12:47,976 --> 00:12:49,060
She's great with kids.
299
00:12:49,185 --> 00:12:51,437
Gabriela? Is that one of your cousins?
300
00:12:51,562 --> 00:12:53,189
She's, uh...
301
00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:55,566
How do you say in English?
302
00:12:56,901 --> 00:13:00,029
I've been dating her exclusively
for three months.
303
00:13:00,905 --> 00:13:02,824
Wow. You have a girlfriend?
304
00:13:02,949 --> 00:13:06,160
You and I agreed that we
should be dating other people.
305
00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:08,037
I didn't tell you about Gabriela
306
00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:11,040
because I wanted to wait
until it was a real thing.
307
00:13:11,165 --> 00:13:14,002
Oh, okay.
308
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,004
But I need to know
if she's responsible enough
309
00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:17,547
to watch my child.
310
00:13:17,672 --> 00:13:20,133
She has cousins
she babysits all the time.
311
00:13:20,258 --> 00:13:21,592
Okay.
312
00:13:21,718 --> 00:13:25,388
Uh, follow-up question... is she pretty?
313
00:13:26,347 --> 00:13:27,640
Why do you care?
314
00:13:27,765 --> 00:13:29,225
Well, I'm a mother,
315
00:13:29,350 --> 00:13:31,728
and I want to keep my baby safe,
316
00:13:31,853 --> 00:13:34,063
you know, from ugly people.
317
00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:39,944
I am only attracted to
beautiful, smart women.
318
00:13:41,362 --> 00:13:43,364
Should you really be flirting
with your wife
319
00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:45,491
when you've got a girlfriend at home?
320
00:13:50,747 --> 00:13:52,999
So, this engaged couple's getting inked.
321
00:13:53,124 --> 00:13:54,292
She's in Harris' chair
322
00:13:54,417 --> 00:13:56,794
getting a screaming
corpse bride on a bike,
323
00:13:56,919 --> 00:13:59,839
and he's in mine
getting a tattoo of Scooter,
324
00:13:59,964 --> 00:14:02,425
obviously the most epic Muppet of all.
325
00:14:03,551 --> 00:14:06,220
And I look over at Harris,
326
00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:08,556
and I get lost in her eyes,
327
00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:12,685
and suddenly, Scooter has a demon tail.
328
00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:15,104
What?
329
00:14:15,229 --> 00:14:16,397
Pretty classic meet-cute.
330
00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:17,690
Your eyes met,
331
00:14:17,815 --> 00:14:20,443
and you made a permanent mistake
on another human being.
332
00:14:20,568 --> 00:14:22,195
Mm-hmm.
333
00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:24,655
Oh, my God.
You got to try these taquitos.
334
00:14:28,117 --> 00:14:29,619
- So good, huh?
- Mm-hmm.
335
00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:38,544
Anyway, um, I-I know that
I haven't seemed supportive
336
00:14:38,669 --> 00:14:40,129
about your relationship,
337
00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:42,423
but I'm getting into Eastern philosophy,
338
00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:45,760
and I am trying to be more like
water and flow with things.
339
00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:48,054
Wait, not trying to be.
340
00:14:48,179 --> 00:14:50,390
I am water.
341
00:14:50,515 --> 00:14:51,682
I dig that.
342
00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:55,853
The whole Eastern thing's
super legit, and I'm into it.
343
00:14:55,978 --> 00:14:58,439
Aldo has a Chinese dragon tattoo
that starts on his thigh
344
00:14:58,564 --> 00:14:59,774
- and it wraps around...
- Yeah, and it works its way
345
00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:02,110
- all the way around to my...
- Yeah, it's okay.
346
00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:04,195
I don't need to know
where the dragon goes.
347
00:15:05,154 --> 00:15:07,031
So, what are you saying?
348
00:15:07,156 --> 00:15:09,283
Are you okay with us?
349
00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:10,576
I am.
350
00:15:10,701 --> 00:15:14,580
And I-I can see how much
you guys care about each other.
351
00:15:14,705 --> 00:15:16,791
Since the momentum is going that way,
352
00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:20,128
I want you to know
that you would have my blessing
353
00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:21,921
if you wanted to move in together.
354
00:15:23,965 --> 00:15:27,927
Well, it's kind of a giant step.
355
00:15:28,052 --> 00:15:29,512
I'm ready.
356
00:15:29,637 --> 00:15:31,305
Are you sure?
357
00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:34,350
Uh, she said she's ready, Aldo.
Aren't you?
358
00:15:34,475 --> 00:15:36,811
I-I mean, a commitment right now
359
00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:38,354
would really tell Harris
360
00:15:38,479 --> 00:15:41,691
that your relationship is super legit.
361
00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:44,193
Well, o-okay.
362
00:15:44,318 --> 00:15:47,155
T-To be honest...
363
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:48,322
you beat me to it.
364
00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:52,076
Harris, here is a key to my place.
365
00:15:52,201 --> 00:15:54,120
Oh, my God! That's so amazing!
366
00:15:54,245 --> 00:15:55,455
Oh, man.
367
00:15:55,580 --> 00:15:58,332
The boys are gonna be so stoked.
368
00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:00,168
Man, they need a role model,
369
00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:02,503
'cause yours truly ain't cuttin' it.
370
00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:04,130
Ah.
371
00:16:04,255 --> 00:16:06,257
Well, what do you guys say
we all get 'faced, huh?
372
00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:07,467
Mm! Mm!
373
00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:10,470
Wow.
374
00:16:10,595 --> 00:16:12,513
I-I didn't think you had it in you.
375
00:16:12,638 --> 00:16:14,307
Thank you so much.
376
00:16:14,432 --> 00:16:16,434
Are you honestly gonna move in
with that guy?
377
00:16:16,559 --> 00:16:18,519
You've known him for like 10 minutes.
378
00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:20,563
You're gonna be at home
watching his kids,
379
00:16:20,688 --> 00:16:22,940
and crackhead mom's gonna
come flying through the window
380
00:16:23,065 --> 00:16:25,401
and latch onto your leg
like a rabid weasel.
381
00:16:25,526 --> 00:16:26,319
What the hell?
382
00:16:26,444 --> 00:16:28,029
You were the one who said to move in.
383
00:16:28,154 --> 00:16:30,114
- What's your problem?
- I was tricking you.
384
00:16:30,239 --> 00:16:31,616
I just did it badly.
385
00:16:32,533 --> 00:16:33,784
I was hoping that if I tried
386
00:16:33,910 --> 00:16:35,912
to convince you guys
to move in together,
387
00:16:36,037 --> 00:16:38,748
Aldo would bail, and you would
see him for who he is.
388
00:16:38,873 --> 00:16:40,708
I do see him for who he really is...
389
00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:42,919
a great guy who wants to be with me.
390
00:16:43,044 --> 00:16:44,462
And I see you as the same
391
00:16:44,587 --> 00:16:46,756
controlling old goblin
you've always been.
392
00:16:46,881 --> 00:16:48,633
Uh, you know,
you're raising children now.
393
00:16:48,758 --> 00:16:51,552
You might want to think about
how you talk to people.
394
00:16:53,304 --> 00:16:55,932
Dinner's gonna be late.
395
00:16:56,057 --> 00:16:58,059
I was shaking it for beads at Mardi Gras
396
00:16:58,184 --> 00:16:59,894
when I remembered
397
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:02,271
I had food cooking.
398
00:17:02,396 --> 00:17:04,106
Pass.
399
00:17:04,232 --> 00:17:07,777
I have to go over to Emilio's
to pick up Beverly Rose anyway.
400
00:17:07,902 --> 00:17:09,946
How's that working out?
401
00:17:10,071 --> 00:17:11,656
Well, I'm kind of freaked out
402
00:17:11,781 --> 00:17:13,950
about his girlfriend watching the baby.
403
00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:15,493
I don't know why.
404
00:17:15,618 --> 00:17:16,869
I'm comfortable leaving her here
405
00:17:16,994 --> 00:17:19,247
with you backwoods squirrel-eaters.
406
00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:21,582
You sure that's all
that's bothering you?
407
00:17:21,707 --> 00:17:24,293
Well, I've never even met this woman.
408
00:17:24,418 --> 00:17:26,212
All I know is that she's pretty.
409
00:17:26,337 --> 00:17:28,589
Pretty, huh?
410
00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:29,882
How do you feel about that?
411
00:17:30,007 --> 00:17:31,008
Well, I'm not jealous.
412
00:17:31,133 --> 00:17:32,843
I didn't want to be with him.
413
00:17:32,969 --> 00:17:34,136
Right.
414
00:17:34,262 --> 00:17:36,556
But now maybe you're afraid
you can never be with him.
415
00:17:36,681 --> 00:17:38,641
He was kinda your backup plan.
416
00:17:38,766 --> 00:17:41,018
- No, he wasn't.
- Really?
417
00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:44,105
You guys share Beverly Rose,
he's a great guy,
418
00:17:44,230 --> 00:17:47,149
he's good-looking, and you're married.
419
00:17:48,276 --> 00:17:50,152
Okay, maybe it crossed my mind
420
00:17:50,278 --> 00:17:52,989
that now that I'm not
having drunken one-night stands,
421
00:17:53,114 --> 00:17:54,907
I might be a little pickier,
422
00:17:55,032 --> 00:17:57,535
and have trouble finding the right guy.
423
00:17:57,660 --> 00:18:00,121
Oh, crap. I lost my backup plan.
424
00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:02,748
Don't worry.
425
00:18:02,873 --> 00:18:05,334
You'll find the right person.
426
00:18:05,459 --> 00:18:06,794
I didn't know Louise was out there,
427
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:09,130
and then there was Louise.
428
00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:11,382
And here's more good news.
429
00:18:11,507 --> 00:18:13,593
You don't look as old as you are.
430
00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:18,347
You still got five, seven, three years
431
00:18:18,472 --> 00:18:20,516
before you have to settle.
432
00:18:20,641 --> 00:18:24,020
I'd rather be alone than be with
someone I don't really love.
433
00:18:24,145 --> 00:18:25,438
Good for you.
434
00:18:25,563 --> 00:18:27,815
I'm a college girl.
435
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:29,025
I'm hot.
436
00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:30,860
And as soon as I'm sober for a year,
437
00:18:30,985 --> 00:18:32,486
I can start dating again.
438
00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:34,071
Mm.
439
00:18:34,196 --> 00:18:37,700
I'd still be aggressive
with that timeframe.
440
00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:39,952
Love ya, baby.
441
00:18:42,163 --> 00:18:43,706
I want my money back.
442
00:18:43,831 --> 00:18:49,128
I'm feeling a lot
of negative energy right here.
443
00:18:49,253 --> 00:18:51,797
I did everything the speaker said.
444
00:18:51,922 --> 00:18:53,966
I used the kung fu retreat
and momentum thing
445
00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:56,344
to trick my kid into
getting rid of her boyfriend,
446
00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:58,054
and now they're living together.
447
00:18:58,179 --> 00:19:01,599
In Taoism, when somebody tries
to push too hard,
448
00:19:01,724 --> 00:19:03,351
it just leads to frustration.
449
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:04,352
Yeah, yeah.
450
00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:05,728
Is there anything in this dumb store
451
00:19:05,853 --> 00:19:08,439
that I can use to trick my kid?
452
00:19:08,564 --> 00:19:10,399
I think I have something for you.
453
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:15,071
It's the Tao Te Ching.
454
00:19:15,196 --> 00:19:18,240
It helped me find peace
with all my relationships.
455
00:19:18,366 --> 00:19:19,742
I think it could help you, too.
456
00:19:21,619 --> 00:19:23,663
What about some of these crystals?
457
00:19:23,788 --> 00:19:25,373
Can't I just put
a few of these in a sock
458
00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:28,584
and beat Aldo until he
doesn't recognize my daughter?
459
00:19:28,709 --> 00:19:30,044
Man, I hope you're kidding.
460
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:32,380
I hope so, too.
461
00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:33,964
Just use the book.
462
00:19:34,090 --> 00:19:35,591
Mm.
463
00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:37,885
I'm gonna need a bigger sock, but okay.
464
00:19:40,721 --> 00:19:42,390
Whoa!
465
00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:46,268
I heard the women on the beaches
of Ibiza are gorgeous,
466
00:19:46,394 --> 00:19:50,523
but this redhead is beyond
anything I've ever seen.
467
00:19:50,648 --> 00:19:52,233
Oh, my God! It's my wife!
468
00:19:52,358 --> 00:19:54,402
I'm the luckiest man on Earth!
469
00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:57,071
I'm gonna take her
to the French Riviera.
470
00:19:58,614 --> 00:20:00,408
All right.
471
00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:02,034
These things are starting
to freak me out.
472
00:20:02,159 --> 00:20:03,911
What is going on?
473
00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:05,371
It's nice in here.
474
00:20:05,496 --> 00:20:06,956
I want you to join me.
475
00:20:07,081 --> 00:20:08,874
In the real world,
we have a hole in the roof
476
00:20:08,999 --> 00:20:12,378
and I can't afford to take
my wife on a honeymoon.
477
00:20:12,503 --> 00:20:14,338
You deserve better.
478
00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:15,881
Well, of course I do.
479
00:20:16,006 --> 00:20:19,468
But I don't need to go
to fancy places with you.
480
00:20:19,593 --> 00:20:22,346
I have fun with you wherever we go.
481
00:20:22,471 --> 00:20:24,724
You have fun at Costco?
482
00:20:24,849 --> 00:20:27,393
I especially like when you change hats
483
00:20:27,518 --> 00:20:29,687
and keep going back to the sample guy.
484
00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:33,315
It's a rush.
485
00:20:33,441 --> 00:20:35,609
Look, if we want to have a honeymoon,
486
00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:38,446
all we have to do is close our eyes
487
00:20:38,571 --> 00:20:40,781
and use our imagination.
488
00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:43,576
Let's make love on the beach at Aruba.
489
00:20:44,326 --> 00:20:46,203
I almost smell the ocean.
490
00:20:46,328 --> 00:20:50,624
Oh, that's that sardine I lost
in the comforter last night.
491
00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:51,959
I love you.
492
00:20:52,084 --> 00:20:53,878
Yeah, you better.
493
00:21:00,134 --> 00:21:02,094
How can I help you fellas?
494
00:21:02,219 --> 00:21:03,888
Harris left us alone.
495
00:21:04,013 --> 00:21:06,015
You have to help us
build a chicken slingshot.
496
00:21:06,140 --> 00:21:09,185
Yes. I'll help you hurt my chickens.
497
00:21:09,310 --> 00:21:11,145
But first, you boys have to help me dig
498
00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:14,106
two child-sized holes in the backyard
499
00:21:14,231 --> 00:21:18,235
and lay in them to make sure
I measured them correctly.
500
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:19,528
Deal?
36295
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.