All language subtitles for NOO.s05e12.720p.web.h264

Angelenos head into day five

of record heat
and a citywide power outage.

If you think this is great,

wait till I show you the ocean.

I think she's gonna be fine.

-But how are you doing?
-Shaky.

I just feel like
the adrenaline's wearing off.

Then you should get her home.

I bet you both could use
a good night's sleep.

Hi.

I am sure

that you're confused

and hurt and...

and probably really scared.

I don't...
really know what to say.

You don't need to go
to the police,

or come looking for me.

I'm not in any danger,
and no one is making me do this.

But Jee is not safe with me.

Not now and maybe...

I know that you're gonna take
really good care of her.

And she's better off
without me.

I love you.

I love both of you.

And I'm really sorry.

-What is going on?
-Maddie, what did you do to him?

Where did you get that?

You should have left it
where it was.

Do you think this was my fault?

No, it was my fault.

That's right.

You're never the one
getting left behind.

You're the one who leaves.

If something was to happen
to you or her,

I can't carry that, Maddie.

That will be the thing
that breaks me, so please...

Have you had
any suicidal thoughts recently?

Yes.

Frequently,
sometimes, or rarely?

Past few months.

Have you had suicidal thoughts
in your past?

Sometimes.

How long ago?

I was in an abusive marriage.

I had thoughts then,
but not like this.

What about before that?
Growing up,

did you have any feelings
of depression?

-Suicidal ideations?
-Depression? Yeah.

Off and on.
It started when I was a kid.

At what age?

I don't know, like, nine,

-ten.
-You were very young.

My brother died. He was sick.

I'm sorry for your loss.

That must've been hard
at such a young age.

Is there a history of depression
in your family?

My mom. She, uh...

...talked a lot about wanting
to die after losing my brother.

Do you engage in any form
of self-harm?

No.

But three days ago, I tried
to drown myself in the ocean.

♪ The winter here's cold... ♪

Okay, after Patty's
done taking your blood,

we'll take you to get
an ECG and a CT scan,

and then you can get some rest.

What happens tomorrow?

Breakfast starts at 7:00.
Meds at 8:00.

Group starts at 9:00.

♪ To long too far ♪

♪ From home ♪

♪ I feel just like I'm sinking ♪

♪ And I claw ♪

♪ For solid ground ♪

♪ I'm pulled down
by the undertow ♪

♪ I never thought ♪

♪ I could feel so low ♪

♪ And, oh... ♪

Okay, and meds are at 8:00.

♪ Letting go ♪

♪ If all of the strength ♪

♪ And all of the courage ♪

♪ Come and lift me ♪

♪ From this place ♪

You should eat something.

♪ I know I can love you... ♪

Ms. Buckley,

your TSH levels are borderline.

Do you have family history
of thyroid issues?

-Not that I'm aware of.
-Hmm.

Although, my mom and I don't
talk about stuff like that,

or... anything really.

Okay.
Let's run some more tests.

♪ It's better this way ♪

♪ I say... ♪

Doctor's ordered another test.

-More blood? Seriously?
-You might wish it were blood.

You-you want me to pee in that?

For the next 24 hours.

♪ Hurts us all the more... ♪

Postpartum thyroiditis?
How did I miss that?

At first, your thyroid
is overactive.

The symptoms can feel like
typical baby blues.

Anxiety, insomnia, irritability.

Looks like the stress
of having a newborn, but then

it starts to slow down,
or in your case, shut down.

So, I-I'm just... cured?

Well, now that we have

identified the underlying
condition, we can get you

started on some hormone therapy.

Maddie, you all right?

Yeah, I'm... relieved.

Since having her,

I didn't know what
was wrong with me, so...

I guess now there is an answer.

Yeah.

Okay.

You're transferring me?

You're responding well
to the treatment.

I think it's time to move you
to the outpatient program

at the women's center.

This is good news, Maddie.

You get to go home.

Yeah.

Great.

So now what?

-Let's take a walk.
-Okay.

So, are you from Boston?

Yeah, born and raised
in Roxbury. You?

Pennsylvania. Now, California.

What brought you here? Plenty
of good hospitals in California.

I trained at this hospital.

I used to be a nurse.

So, why'd you quit?

Just got to be too much.

I get that.

Some of these patients will make
you question your career path.

Present company excluded.

Ah, thank you.

But I still think
the good outweighs the bad.

Helping people, being able to
watch them heal and get better.

I'm talking about you,
by the way.

You really think that
I'm getting better?

I am no doctor,
but I've been where you are,

and I think
you're getting stronger.

You're stronger
than you think you are, Maddie.

We do a lot of short-term.

Visiting nurses
needing a place to crash.

-It's not fancy, but...
-It's fine.

-I'll take it.
-Great.

I just need you
to fill out some paperwork.

Uh, what if I just pay
in advance? Six months.

Are you part of the program
over at the hospital?

Yeah.

I know he means well,

but I'm so tired of him
trying to help.

I can't just turn that frown
upside down, Jim.

Maybe you can bring Jim to our
next friends and family session.

Okay.

Well, that's it for today.

Thank you all.
I'll see you on Thursday.

So, where are they all
rushing off to?

Oh, uh, school pickup,
daycare, the usual.

Not you?

My daughter's with her dad.

Can't see her right now.

Me either.

Oh, no, no.

There's better coffee
down the street.

Um... Do you want
to go grab some?

If you don't have
anywhere else to be.

I have nowhere else to go.

Keep going.

Come to Daddy.

That's it.
You're doing it.

You're doing it, Jee-Yun.

Wait till Mommy sees this.
She's gonna be so proud.

No, wait. Don't touch that.

Keep going.

Come to Daddy.

That's it. You're doing it.

You're doing it, Jee-Yun.

Wait till Mommy sees this.
She's gonna be so proud.

Maddie?

Thank God. Are-are you okay?

Why is Chimney in Utah?

He left town looking for you.

Found out what happened
to Jee-Yun...

I told you not to tell him.

No, he-he figured it out
on his own. Wait a minute,

h-how do you know
where Chimney is?

Did... did you talk to him?

He emailed me a video.
I guess Jee's started crawling.

Maddie, please just

tell me where you are.

I can come and get you.

I-I-I can send Chimney,
whatever you want.

We just, we need to know
that you're safe.

I am safe. I'm just...

Not ready, not yet.

Uh, I got to go, okay? Love you.

So, you're freaking out

over the Old North Church bell?

I can't see him yet.
I'm not ready.

What-what-what do you mean,
you're not ready?

I'm not ready to go home.

I still have so much
that I have to work through.

I'm just not ready
to face all that.

Maddie, are...

are you afraid of your ex?
Is he...

God, no. No, he would never...

But I do think
he probably hates me.

Why would he hate you?

I almost killed our daughter.

I was giving her a bath.
I guess I...

nodded off. She slipped
under the water and...

Oh, God.

What kind of mom does that?

Um...

The-the week before

I met you, I was
finishing up a 28-day

court-mandated rehab program.

I got a DUI.

Um...

My-my-my son

was in the backseat.

I-I swear, I swear I never

meant to put him in any danger.

I...

I was just so

overwhelmed and...

You were self-medicating.

That doesn't make you
a bad person.

It's the only way
I know how to deal

when things get hard.

Now, my-my ex
won't let me see my son.

I have to prove...

that I am not a danger anymore.

I miss him so much.

Maddie,

please stay. Please.

I...

I think you're probably the only
friend I have right now.

No one else,

no one else knows
what this is like.

I just want to get better
for her.

I know, I know, and we...

we can help each other. Okay?

-Get better together.
-Okay.

Then we both go home.

Yeah.

Okay.

Boston?

Yeah, Buck is convinced
he heard the bells

of the Old North Church in the
background when she called.

The "One, if by land, two,
if by sea" church?

As far as leads go,
is that a lead?

It's a place to start.

So, how's my apartment?
You trash the place yet?

Uh...

It's fine, uh, but you seriously

need to cancel
the diaper subscription, okay?

I'm running out of room here.

Well, that explains
where they are.

Why do you think Maddie
went to that church?

I don't remember her
ever going to mass.

No, but I hear there's
a pretty great pizza joint

- around the corner.
- -So, where you staying?

♪ One night to be confused... ♪

Room rate's a lot lower than
what you're paying at the hotel.

You sure about this?
I mean, it feels like

one hell of an imposition, Eli.

Nah. We don't come down here
that much this time of year.

Once opening day rolls around,
that's a different story.

We'll be gone by April,
I promise.

I just got to find Maddie first.

You do your thing.

Thanks.

♪ To call for hands of above ♪

♪ To lean on, wouldn't be... ♪

So, the detective still said no?

He said there wasn't much
he could do,

but he did take
Buck's statement,

and now he will file
a missing persons report.

- But that's it.
- -Well, we have

no proof that she's in Boston,
Chimney, or even anywhere

-in the state of Massachusetts.
-Commonwealth.

- What?
- -It's the Commonwealth

of Massachusetts. Apparently,

they really care
about that here.

I'm coming.

I know, I know.

Aw...

I know, I know.

♪ To lean on, wouldn't be
good enough... ♪

Yeah, I wish your mom
was here, too.

♪ To call for hands of above ♪

♪ To lean on ♪

♪ Wouldn't be good enough ♪

♪ And you... ♪

-Hey, Gail.
-Good evening, Mr. Han.

I'd ask what brings you
in here today,

but I'm afraid
you're about to tell me.

I'm just doing the rounds.
Making sure you haven't admitted

a Maddie Buckley
or a Maddie Kendall

-as a patient.
-Mr. Han...

I guess I'll hit
the morgue next.

Been to the women's clinic yet?
Next building over.

They specialize
in postpartum depression.

Thank you.

Good luck.

♪ Of above ♪

♪ To lean on ♪

♪ Wouldn't be good enough ♪

♪ To lean on ♪

♪ To call for hands ♪

♪ Of above ♪

♪ To lean on ♪

♪ Wouldn't be good enough. ♪

There you go, Jee-Jee.

It's your favorite.

Come on, honey.

Come on.

It's your favorite.
It's vanilla bean...

You know, this seems like
the part of the movie

where the detective becomes

a little too obsessed
with the case,

and his boss
has to send him home.

First off, you're not my boss.

And, second, if we're
overstaying our welcome

-with you and Molly...
-No.

I don't care if you stay
in the basement forever. Okay?

Though, I may have to start
charging you rent.

But I don't think
this is healthy, Howie.

I know it sounds crazy,

but I just got
this feeling that,

one day, she's gonna walk out

of that building,

and I want to be here
when she does,

even if it's not today.

Come on, baby.

You know that's not
how it works, right?

-What?
-The universe.

You've been sitting here
for months trying to manifest

Maddie walking out
of those doors, but...

you know, have you considered
maybe there's a...

a cosmic tab
you got to pay first?

I'm gonna go with "no"
'cause I have no idea

what the hell
you're talking about.

Look, you need to stop being
so obsessed with what you want.

Okay, you need
to get off the bench

and get back into the world.
It needs you.

To do what?

To be of service.

Maybe the universe
will return the favor.

Or give up and go home.

-Come on.
-All right.

♪ And it's no ♪

♪ Nay, never ♪

♪ No, nay, never no more... ♪

Let us bow our heads.
As we gather

this morning to honor
St. Patrick,

let us give thanks
for this glorious day

and the chance to come together

as Faith of Men.

I'm not feeling so good.
Ever since rehearsal

this morning, i-it's like I'm...
I'm having trouble breathing.

Well, what do you want me to do?
Just rally.

We still got the parade.

Thank you, Lord,
for this time together,

and for continuing to guide us

and inspire us as we carry out
your good work.

- ...swelled up just like a melon.
- Shut up!

Nobody wants to hear
about your glory days.

Stuff it, O'Malley.
Ain't nobody talking to you.

Go to hell, jackass.

Gentlemen, please. This is not

how Faith of Men
are supposed to behave.

Start playing.

Maybe the music will
calm these idiots down.

Oh, God. Murray!

All right, let's make
a hole, guys.

I'm confused.
Why are they serving beer

-at a prayer breakfast?
-Eggs and kegs.

-St. Patrick's Day tradition.
-If you say so.

What happened here?

Uh, he went down
while we were playing.

Before that, he said
he was having trouble breathing.

Randall, let's get him
on some oxygen.

BP is extremely elevated,
160/95.

Heart rate is rapid
and irregular.

Legs and ankles also appear
to be swollen.

Oh. Pitting edema.

Could be possible
right-sided heart failure.

Does your friend have a history

-of heart trouble?
-No, not that I know of.

- What about diabetes?
- No.

He's not the healthiest guy,
but I never

heard him mention
anything about diabetes.

Um, he has had a cough
for a while.

Cough.

Getting a crackling sound.

Sounds like serious lung damage.
Is he a smoker?

Not Murray.
He never touched them.

Maybe pulmonary fibrosis,

but what would cause him
to go down now?

Are you for real asking me?

Because our volunteer training

didn't go that in depth.

You're like, smart.

You're volunteers?
I called the paramedics.

And we arrived first 'cause
our tent is across the street.

-Medical Volunteer Corps.
-Okay.

Looks like he's coming around.

Welcome back, Murray.
Let's figure out

what's going on with your lungs.

-Bagpipe lung.
-That can't be a real thing.

Hypersensitivity pneumonitis,

if you're looking
for the medical term.

Happens to people
who play wind instruments,

and also bagpipes.

W-What are you doing?
You're gonna ruin his bagpipes.

Yeah. Pretty sure
they're already ruined.

I'm gonna need a biohazard bag.
These are full of mold.

You've been inhaling this
for God knows how long.

It's wreaked havoc
on your lungs.

When was the last time
you cleaned those things?

Never.

That'll do it.

You're lucky. If you kept going,

these bagpipes
would've killed you.

They're gonna do X-rays
and bloodwork

at the hospital,
probably put you on

corticosteroids to reverse
the damage.

Bagpipe lung.

First time I've seen that.

Buckle up, my friend.

You're about to have
a lot of firsts today.

What do you mean
you're a volunteer?

Boston Medical Volunteer Corps.

It's mostly handing out
Band-Aids and

bottles of water
to drunk people.

There have been
a few doozies, though.

You ever hear of bagpipe lung?

Well, it sounds like
you're really settling in

to life in Boston.

Honestly, I really signed up
to keep busy.

Just wish it really
kept me paid, too.

My savings account balance
is getting pretty low.

Well, you still have a full-time
job waiting for you here.

Chim?

People are starting
to ask questions.

My answer is still
the same, Bobby.

I'm not coming home
without Maddie.

All right, I got to go.

When I came here, I didn't

know what to expect.

I felt so many

terrible things about myself,

I thought
everyone else would, too.

Then, when I got here,

um, I realized
I wasn't crazy or...

alone.

You guys healed me.

You made me feel stronger,

and I finally feel like
I'm ready to go home.

So, I just wanted to say
thank you to all of you.

I'm very grateful.
Es-Especially you, Kira.

Oh, special shout-out.

Lucky me.

You were there
when I needed a friend.

I couldn't have
done this without you.

Hmm. Okay, let's all,

let's all give her
a round of applause.

I'm so glad
that you are fixed.

I don't think that's what
Maddie's saying, Kira.

None of us have it figured out.
If we did,

-we wouldn't be here.
-Whatever.

I am so happy for you.

Okay? But, too bad

for the rest of us who still
have problems.

That's it, everyone.

Have a great afternoon.
I'll see you next time.

Hey, Kira, wait a second.
What was that?

I'm really not in the mood

-for a lecture.
-Okay, that's fine.

I just wanted to check on you

'cause you don't seem
like yourself.

Mm. Maybe it's the depression.

Maybe it's the whiskey.

You're drunk.

What do you care?

You're leaving.

My only support system's
just hightailing it out of here.

I came here to get well
and to go home to my family.

That was the plan,
for both of us.

I've messed up too badly.

I don't deserve to be a mom.

Okay, you know what? I told
myself exactly that same thing

six months ago, and I was wrong.

I got better.

You can, too.

Not by this afternoon.

Ugh.

I have a supervised visitation.

No, no, no. You can't, you can't

-show up like this.
-I can't not show up.

Okay, what time
is the appointment?

Um... 3:00.

Come on, I have an idea.

What are you doing?
No, no, no, no.

I-I-I cannot be admitted. No.
If my ex finds out,

I won't be able to see my son.
I'm sorry...

Okay, I'm not admitting you.

I'm not admitting you.
I'm helping you.

Sit right here.

I'm gonna get you a banana bag.
It'll sober you up.

I'll be right back.

Maddie?

Why is your face
on the bulletin board?

What?

That's you.

Oh, my God,
he's still looking for me.

I thought you said he hated you.

You lied.

-I didn't lie.
-All this time,

I thought that we were
in the same boat.

Being punished by our exes.

Not being able
to-to see our kids.

But you could've
gone back any time, right?

I'm fighting like hell
to see my son,

and you left them.

I had to.

Okay? It was dangerous
for her and for me, and I...

I needed to get help
and to get better.

Congratulations, Maddie.

You're better.

You don't need me anymore.

Kira!

Excuse me. Sorry.

Sorry.

Snake bite. Looks like
localized tissue damage.

Let's immobilize his hand
and elevate it above his heart.

Don't want it to swell
more than it is.

Oh, no.

The venom's making
my heart swell.

Oh, I'm gonna die.

No, I meant your hand,
and statistically speaking,

people don't die
from snake bites.

Stupidity,

- that's another story.
- So, that's it?

What about a tourniquet?
Or maybe

we can cut it
and suck out the poison?

That is exactly what you're
not supposed to do.

-Antivenom is his best bet.
-Oh, it stings!

And I don't know about you,
but I'm not packing any.

That's not a bad idea.

We should ask for that.

Every year,
there's always some asshat

dressed as St. Patrick
pretending to drive the snakes

out of Ireland.

And I thought Cinco de Mayo
in Los Angeles was crazy.

Hey. Kira, it's Maddie.

Um, just, please,

call me, okay? I...

Just want to make sure
you're all right.

- Thank you.
- Sir, I'm looking for a woman.

She's late 30s. Blonde.

About this tall
and probably drunk.

Oh, a drunk woman.

That narrows it down.

You know it's
St. Patrick's Day, right?

Lean forward a bit for me.
There you go.

-If you could hold that, please.
-Nothing's broken.

Looks like he's all yours.

Thanks. Let's go.

So this guy tried to
rob a bank with a stick?

Uh, technically
it's a shillelagh.

-And a rubber one at that.
-What were you thinking?

She stole me pot o' gold.

You know you're not actually
a leprechaun, right?

Hey, Kira, call me.

I'm really worried about you.

Hey, I'm gonna go grab a lobster
roll from the food truck.

-You want anything?
-Sure.

Just make sure there's
no mayo on it.

I sense you have no idea
what a lobster roll is.

Just grab him one anyway.

Three lobster rolls
coming up.

So how is it?
Being of service again.

Honestly, it's the best
I've felt in probably a year.

Get in the car.

Hey, watch it.

Come on.

Whoa. Is he all right?

Look at this.

Is that an axe?

You gotta see this.

Gabe. Gabe!

Oh, my God, Gabe!

You did this?

We were axe throwing,
and he stumbled in front of me,

and I-I hit him
instead of the target.

No pulse. He's not breathing.

I'd say start
compressions, but...

There's an axe in his head?

Randall, that sandwich board,
bring it over here!

Okay. Okay, let's get him into
a seated position.

I got his head.

-What do I do?
-Randall, put the board behind him.

Eli will hold him up
while I do compressions.

-What do I do?
-Okay, hold his head,

keep his airway clear.

I can do that without

looking at his head, right?

Howie, on your count.

Feels like old times,
doesn't it?

Well, nobody's puked on me yet.

-Oh, God.
-That is not an invitation, Randall.

Pulse check.

Pulse is back. We got him.

Dispatch,
this is Paramedic Cobb.

About to transport a young male
with an axe in his head

to Mercy Shore Hospital.

Okay, let's secure it
and move him.

What can I do?

You can take up chess.

-Oh!
-Sorry.

I hate this day.

- Ah, Kira?
- No.

This is the bartender
down at Father Sean's Pub.

-I think your friend needs some help
-Okay.

Hey. Our axe man's
heading into surgery.

Okay, great.
Oh, my shift's over.

I should get back, maybe,
and turn in this vest.

Oh, ride in the rig with me.
I'll drop you off.

You sure?

What if another call comes in?

I'll let you use
the lights and sirens.

Oh, God, she's puking.

No. No, she's aspirating.

Come on, we've got to
get her on her side.

Kira?! Call 911.

All right.

911.

Yes, I'm calling from
Father Sean's Pub.

Kira, come on.
Come on, come on, come on.

We have a young woman
here who needs help.

-We think she might be aspirating.
-Wake up.

Good. Good! There's a unit
just down the block.

-Good. Wave 'em down.
-Okay.

Kira, come on, wake up,
wake up, wake up.

-Come on, Kira, wake up!
-Over here!

- Come on.
- Hey!

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on.
-Kira, wake up.

Over here.

She's here. Come on!

Oh, my God, hurry.

- Over here. Over here.
- She's right here.

Come on. She's right here.

Excuse me. Excuse me.
What do we got?

She's 38 years old.
Alcohol poisoning.

She's aspirated vomit.
She's unresponsive.

- How long has she been out?
- I don't know.

I did a sternal rub
but she's not coming to.

-Is she on anything?
-Prescriptions for antidepressants.

-Any other drugs? Illegal substances?
-I don't know.

- Pardon me. Make a hole!
- Coming through.

Maddie?

Howie.

We have acute alcohol
intoxication,

heart rate severely low.

BP 80/60 and she's cold
to the touch.

Let's start suction
and get her on a gurney.

Copy that.

You okay?

Y-Yeah.
Is Jee with you?

She's fine.

She's staying with a friend

while I play paramedic again.

All right, suction's ready.

38-year-old female
with acute alcohol poisoning,

unresponsive on the scene
after aspirating vomit.

Administered fluid and bolused
one liter of LR.

Used mechanical suction
to clear airway.

Vitals are stable.

I think she'll be okay.

It's a good thing
you found her in time.

I'm, uh, I'm Eli, by the way.

We were never formally
introduced.

-Maddie. I've heard a lot about you.
-Same.

You and that little girl
are about

all he talks about these days.

Where is he?

Uh, probably outside.

I think he needed a minute.

Me, too.

How is he... really?

I mean, I know that I could
ask him myself.

But he'd probably
sugarcoat it for you?

When he showed up,
he was a mess.

He was worried about you.

He was worried about Jee-Yun,
and he was racked with guilt.

Guilt? I'm the one
that left.

Yeah, but he's the one
that feels responsible.

Eli said you would be here.

He was right.

He usually is.

It's one of his
more annoying traits.

But actually,
this time he was wrong.

You see, all those days
that I spent sitting

right here on this bench
convinced

you would walk out those doors,

he said I was crazy.

And here you are.

I know that you must have
a lot of questions.

I know why you left, Maddie.

Still not sure why
you stayed away.

Because I didn't think
I'd ever get better.

And it didn't feel safe
to be around any of you.

What happened with Jee-Yun
and the bathtub,

that was an accident.

But trying to kill myself
wasn't.

You what?

When I dropped her off
at the firehouse I thought

that's it, she's safe.

So I drove up the coast,
I found a beach,

and I walked into the ocean.

My head was so full of
all the mistakes

I had made in my life,
and I just thought

everybody would be
better off without me.

Sad at first, yeah.

But that would fade.

And Jee, she's so young,
she wouldn't even

remember me as her mommy.

How could you even think that?

Maddie, if you died,
I would never...

Never forgive yourself.

I got out of the ocean for you.

For both of you.

But I had to stay here
to learn to stop running.

Maddie...

I would have done anything
to help you.

I beat myself up every day
that I didn't do more.

I'm so sorry for everything
that I put you through.

I'm sorry that
I wasn't there for you.

-You were there.
-Not enough.

I blame myself for you leaving,

for missing the warning signs.

Or maybe ignoring them.

I just wanted so badly
for you to be okay, I just...

I pretended that you were okay.

I think I did, too,
for a while.

I guess we both spent
too much time

hiding from the truth, and I
don't want to do that anymore.

Me either.

No more pretending.

From now on, let's just
be honest about how we feel,

and what we want.

Okay.

What do you want?

She should be awake
from her nap soon.

There she is.

Look who's here, Jee-Yun.
It's Mommy.

She's so big.

I swear to God, I've been
feeding her normal portions.

You probably want
to hold her.

Uh, she never liked strangers.

Maddie, you're not
a stranger.

I think I am.

Maddie...

She's grown up so much.
I missed it.

I missed all of it.

So you figure out what's next?

I mean, back to L.A.,

or should I be getting you
a job application?

I don't know.

It didn't feel right
asking her about the future

when she was so clearly
mourning the past.

Not the glorious reunion
you'd been dreaming of, huh?

I never really thought that far.

I mean, I imagined finding her
a million times, you know?

I'd see her, she'd see me.

Movie always ended right there.

They live happily ever after.

Yeah.

Kind of wishing
the end credit sequence

was less of a bummer.

You know, I was really mad
at her

for not being there.

But tonight was the first time
I realize what leaving

actually cost her.

You know,

after we had our girls,

Molly wanted to
stay home with them,

so I went back to work.

And every time I left,
I always said the same thing:

"I love you.
I'll call you later.

Don't let 'em do anything cool
while I'm gone."

Maybe if I'd just found her
earlier.

You did everything
you could, Howie.

All right, no matter
what else you're feeling,

know that.

I just wanted to fix her,
you know?

Just make it all okay.

Even though you know fixing her
isn't your responsibility?

Yeah.

Why do I always do that?

It's how you're wired.

Helping people is how
you help yourself.

And because you love her.

I knew I had missed a lot,
and it's been six months,

but seeing her...

Made it real?

Too real.

I just wasn't prepared for
how much it was gonna hurt.

I mean, looking at her, I saw
every milestone I've missed.

But that doesn't mean that
you can't be there for...

all the other ones.

What about you?

Did you talk to
your social worker?

Yeah.

Um, I have to go back to detox,

then...

another 60 days outpatient.

And are you gonna do it?

If I want to see my son.

Yeah. I have to.

Thank you for saving my life.

I don't remember
everything I said,

but, um, I know how I can get.

-I'm sorry.
-It's okay.

You were hurting.

We're not always our best selves
when that happens.

I'm really glad you're okay.

Well, not yet.

But I'm gonna keep trying.

I have to.

Not just for me, but for Robbie.

Was I gone too long?

I can't get back
the time I lost.

No.

But you can move forward.

And the only way to do that
is to forgive yourself.

And, Maddie,

don't be afraid...

to fight for what you want.

-Hey.
-Hey.

Aww, how's my girl today?

I promise it's not you.

We walked by a park
on the way here,

and she got very angry when
I said it wasn't playtime.

Oh, that's okay, we can
go to a park. That's fine.

Uh, I think we should wait
at least an hour.

I don't want to make it
look like

I caved in to a tantrum,
you know.

Right. Oh, right, she's old
enough to have those now.

Oh... come on, Jee-Yun.

Don't you want to say hi?

Come on, Jee-Yun.

Don't you want to say hi
to Mommy? Hmm?

I'm not gonna lie,
this might be worse than

going through colic
all over again.

Can I try something?

Be my guest, but don't be
offended if it doesn't work.

♪ The wheels on the bus
go round and round ♪

♪ Round and round ♪

♪ Round and round ♪

You like that?

♪ The wheels on the bus ♪

♪ Go round and round. ♪

Mama.

Did she just...

She recognized your voice.

How does she remember me?

Of course she remembers you.

Six months, six years.

Neither of us could
ever forget you.

Okay.

So, what do you want
to do now?

I want to go home.

-Okay.
-Okay.

Hi. Hi.

-Go home with us, Baby Jee?
-Want to do it again?

♪ The wheels on the bus ♪

♪ Go round and round ♪

Whoo!

♪ Round and round ♪

♪ Round and round. ♪

Each year, for every one person
that dies by suicide,

316 others consider
taking their own life

but do not go through with it.

If you or someone you care about

is contemplating suicide,
help is available.

Call the National Suicide
Prevention Lifeline at:

1-800-273-8255.

Or visit
suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

The Lifeline is available
24/7 across the United States.

It is free and confidential.

There is hope. There is help.

And you are not alone.