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1
00:00:02,703 --> 00:00:04,004
"LAST MAN STANDING" IS RECORDED
2
00:00:04,038 --> 00:00:05,206
IN FRONT OF A LIVE
STUDIO AUDIENCE.
3
00:00:05,239 --> 00:00:06,006
GOOD MORNING.
4
00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:07,041
OHH.
5
00:00:07,075 --> 00:00:08,042
MMM.
MMM.
6
00:00:08,076 --> 00:00:11,045
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
7
00:00:11,079 --> 00:00:12,546
WAIT A MINUTE --
THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE
8
00:00:12,580 --> 00:00:14,082
THE "I LOVE YOU.
YOU'RE A GREAT HUSBAND."
9
00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:16,184
IT SOUNDS LIKE, "I LOVE YOU.
I SCRATCHED YOUR TRUCK."
10
00:00:17,385 --> 00:00:19,153
IF I SCRATCHED
YOUR TRUCK,
11
00:00:19,187 --> 00:00:21,089
I WOULD KNOW ENOUGH
TO JUST KEEP DRIVING.
12
00:00:21,122 --> 00:00:22,523
SO, EVERYTHING'S GOOD?
YEAH.
13
00:00:22,556 --> 00:00:23,524
ALL RIGHT.
14
00:00:23,557 --> 00:00:24,692
IT'S JUST THAT --
15
00:00:24,725 --> 00:00:26,727
OHHHH, BOY.
16
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:28,396
WELL, SUZY SHAW
AND BETSY WOLF
17
00:00:28,429 --> 00:00:30,164
ARE COMING TO TOWN
THIS WEEKEND.
18
00:00:30,198 --> 00:00:33,033
THOSE OLD BROADS
STILL TRAVEL?
19
00:00:33,067 --> 00:00:36,003
YES, MY COLLEGE ROOMMATES
CAN STILL TRAVEL.
20
00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:38,506
HONEY, YOU SHOULD SEE THEM
ON FACEBOOK.
21
00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:41,041
FOR "OLD BROADS,"
THEY LOOK AMAZING.
22
00:00:41,075 --> 00:00:43,077
I'VE SEEN SUZY
ON FACEBOOK.
23
00:00:43,111 --> 00:00:44,778
A LITTLE TOO MUCH BOTOX.
24
00:00:46,214 --> 00:00:48,216
SHE HAS THE SAME EXPRESSION
AT HER SURPRISE PARTY
25
00:00:48,249 --> 00:00:49,983
AS SHE DOES
AT HER DAD'S FUNERAL.
26
00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:53,121
I FEEL
A LITTLE INSECURE.
27
00:00:53,154 --> 00:00:55,623
I MEAN, THEY USED TO CALL US
"THE THREE HOT TODDIES,"
28
00:00:55,656 --> 00:00:59,593
AND NOW I'M AFRAID IT'LL BE
TWO TODDIES AND A MOSCOW MULE.
29
00:00:59,627 --> 00:01:02,029
TRUTH IS, I MARRIED
A VERY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
30
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:05,065
FROM WHERE I STAND, SHE'S JUST
AS BEAUTIFUL AS SHE EVER WAS.
31
00:01:05,099 --> 00:01:06,234
THANKS, HONEY.
32
00:01:06,267 --> 00:01:08,136
I KEEP TELLING MYSELF
THAT AGE IS JUST A NUMBER.
33
00:01:08,169 --> 00:01:10,438
AND NO MATTER
HOW CRAZY-BIG THAT NUMBER GETS,
34
00:01:10,471 --> 00:01:12,306
I'LL STILL LOVE YOU,
MOM.
35
00:01:13,507 --> 00:01:15,075
THANK YOU, MANDY.
36
00:01:15,109 --> 00:01:16,877
SO, HOW'S
THE FASHION BUSINESS, HUH?
37
00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:20,481
WELL, I.M.H.O.,
MY L.B.D.s COULD END UP
BEING A REALLY B.F.D.
38
00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:21,649
CUT THE HIPSTER TALK.
39
00:01:21,682 --> 00:01:23,451
SHE'S ALREADY FEELING
REALLY OLD TODAY.
40
00:01:24,952 --> 00:01:27,888
IN MY HUMBLE OPINION,
MY LITTLE BLACK DRESSES
41
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:30,924
COULD END UP BEING
A REALLY BIG FRICKIN' DEAL.
42
00:01:30,958 --> 00:01:33,127
SOME GENERATIONS
WIN WORLD WARS.
43
00:01:33,161 --> 00:01:34,595
SOME WIN COLD WARS.
44
00:01:34,628 --> 00:01:37,398
SOME COME UP WITH
SNAZZY ABBREVIATIONS.
45
00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:38,566
BYE.
46
00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:41,302
HEY, UM...
I.L.Y.
47
00:01:41,335 --> 00:01:43,804
[ Chuckling ] OH. YEAH.
[ CHUCKLES ]
48
00:01:43,837 --> 00:01:46,307
I LOVE YAMS.
49
00:01:46,340 --> 00:01:49,243
BUT WHAT A WEIRD WAY
TO SAY "HAVE A NICE DAY."
50
00:01:49,277 --> 00:01:50,244
BYE, HONEY.
BYE, GUYS.
51
00:01:50,278 --> 00:01:51,512
BYE!
BYE!
52
00:01:51,545 --> 00:01:54,515
WOW. MANDY, HONEY,
THESE DRESSES LOOK AMAZING.
53
00:01:54,548 --> 00:01:55,849
I KNOW, RIGHT?
YEAH.
54
00:01:55,883 --> 00:01:58,519
BUT I NEED TO TAKE SOME
NEW PICTURES FOR THE WEBSITE,
55
00:01:58,552 --> 00:02:01,121
AND I'M HOPING TO FIND
A SLIGHTLY LEGGIER MODEL
56
00:02:01,155 --> 00:02:03,991
THAN, UH,
SERGEANT STUMPY OVER THERE.
57
00:02:04,024 --> 00:02:05,593
HEY.
I'M TALLER THAN YOU.
58
00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:06,694
HUH?
59
00:02:06,727 --> 00:02:09,263
NO WAY.
WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?
60
00:02:09,297 --> 00:02:10,798
UH, A WHILE AGO.
61
00:02:10,831 --> 00:02:13,201
BUT TO SPARE YOUR FEELINGS, I'VE
BEEN WALKING AROUND ON MY KNEES.
62
00:02:14,735 --> 00:02:17,205
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT --
I TOWER OVER BOTH OF YOU,
63
00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:20,007
SO, MANDY, MAYBE --
MAYBE I SHOULD BE YOUR MODEL.
64
00:02:21,309 --> 00:02:23,611
OKAY.
65
00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:27,848
I KNOW THAT YOU'RE JOKING,
BUT, LIKE...DON'T.
66
00:02:27,881 --> 00:02:31,051
WHAT, YOU DON'T THINK I COULD
PULL OFF ONE OF YOUR L.B.D.s?
67
00:02:31,084 --> 00:02:31,885
AH.
68
00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:33,187
IT'S JUST THAT, UM...
69
00:02:33,221 --> 00:02:35,189
MODELING IS
A REALLY DANGEROUS BUSINESS.
70
00:02:35,223 --> 00:02:36,190
OKAY.
71
00:02:36,224 --> 00:02:38,892
AND I JUST --
I CARE ABOUT YOU TOO MUCH
72
00:02:38,926 --> 00:02:41,295
TO SEE YOU
GET ADDICTED TO HEROIN.
73
00:02:41,329 --> 00:02:43,231
SO...
74
00:02:43,264 --> 00:02:45,499
I'M GONNA STICK
WITH EVE.
75
00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:50,704
-- Captions by VITAC --
76
00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:56,344
MAYBE WE SHOULD DO
THE YOUNG ONE -- LIKE THAT.
77
00:02:56,377 --> 00:02:57,345
HEY.
78
00:02:57,378 --> 00:02:58,512
HI. HOW WERE DRILLS?
79
00:02:58,546 --> 00:02:59,680
TOUGH.
80
00:02:59,713 --> 00:03:01,415
IT'S JUST NICE KNOWING
WE'RE OUT THERE HITTING IT
81
00:03:01,449 --> 00:03:03,751
WHILE THE RUSKIES
ARE STILL IN BED.
82
00:03:03,784 --> 00:03:04,985
THE RUSKIES
AREN'T IN BED.
83
00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:06,754
THEY'RE DOING JELLO SHOTS
IN THE UKRAINE.
84
00:03:08,088 --> 00:03:09,423
AND YOU KNOW
WHO TO BLAME FOR THAT?
85
00:03:09,457 --> 00:03:12,260
OBAMA.
OBAMA.
86
00:03:12,293 --> 00:03:15,028
COUPLE YEARS, GUYS,
YOU'LL HAVE HILLARY TO BLAME
87
00:03:15,062 --> 00:03:17,197
FOR EVERYTHING
VLADIMIR PUTIN DOES.
88
00:03:17,231 --> 00:03:20,868
WOW. I LIKE BLAMING HER
FOR STUFF.
89
00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:23,271
BUT, THEN AGAIN, TO BLAME HER,
SHE'D HAVE TO BE PRESIDENT.
90
00:03:23,304 --> 00:03:25,273
THESE ARE THE TOUGH CHOICES
WE FACE AS AMERICANS.
91
00:03:26,574 --> 00:03:28,376
HEY.
92
00:03:28,409 --> 00:03:30,210
HOME SO SOON
FROM SPENCER'S PARTY?
93
00:03:30,244 --> 00:03:32,012
UH, BOYD
GOT THROWN OUT.
94
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:33,581
WHAT?
FROM A BIRTHDAY PARTY?
95
00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:36,284
ONE TOO MANY JUICE BOXES.
WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE.
96
00:03:37,818 --> 00:03:39,186
HONEY, WHAT HAPPENED?
97
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,955
SPENCER'S MOM SAID
I BROKE THE RULES.
98
00:03:41,989 --> 00:03:44,358
BOYD HAD THE OTHER
KIDS RUNNING AROUND
THE YARD PLAYING WAR.
99
00:03:44,392 --> 00:03:46,360
YOU KNOW, SHOOTING
FINGER PISTOLS AT EACH OTHER.
100
00:03:46,394 --> 00:03:48,128
STOP IT!
101
00:03:49,997 --> 00:03:52,232
A 7-YEAR-OLD
WITH A FINGER PISTOL?!
102
00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:56,337
DID YOU GET HIT
WITH ANY BOOGER BAZOOKAS?
103
00:03:57,838 --> 00:03:59,873
IF THEY COME
FORFINGER,
104
00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:03,411
THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO PRY IT
FROM MY COLD, DEAD HAND.
105
00:04:03,444 --> 00:04:06,213
WE WERE JUST PLAYING
"DIRTY DOZEN."
106
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:08,349
I WAS LEE MARVIN.
107
00:04:09,450 --> 00:04:10,718
THAT'S BECAUSE
YOU'RE A BORN LEADER.
108
00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:13,321
SERIOUSLY, MIKE? YOU SHOWED HIM
"THE DIRTY DOZEN"?
109
00:04:13,354 --> 00:04:15,656
HOW DO YOU THINK
HE LEARNED HOW TO COUNT TO 12?
110
00:04:15,689 --> 00:04:17,325
YOU'RE WELCOME.
111
00:04:17,358 --> 00:04:19,827
SO, THIS WHOLE
UGLY INCIDENT OCCURRED
112
00:04:19,860 --> 00:04:23,331
BECAUSE OF CERTAIN INFLUENCES
THAT BOYD HAS IN HIS LIFE.
113
00:04:23,364 --> 00:04:25,666
TO BE CLEAR, WE ALL KNOW
I'M TALKING ABOUT MIKE, RIGHT?
114
00:04:25,699 --> 00:04:27,735
YEAH, NOW WHO'S
POINTING FINGERS?
115
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:29,737
HONEY, COME ON. YOU WANT
TO COME HELP ME UPSTAIRS?
116
00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:31,439
OKAY.
WHAT ARE WE DOING?
117
00:04:31,472 --> 00:04:32,406
WE ARE PICKING OUT
AN OUTFIT.
118
00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:34,107
GRANDMA'S MEETING UP
WITH SOME OLD FRIENDS
119
00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:35,676
WHO SHE NEEDS
TO LOOK WAY BETTER THAN.
120
00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:37,411
CAN I CHANGE MY MIND?
121
00:04:37,445 --> 00:04:39,347
NO.
122
00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:42,249
I MEAN, COME ON, MIKE.
REALLY? YOU SHOWED
HIM "THE DIRTY DOZEN"?
123
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:44,418
I DON'T WANT HIM
PRETENDING TO KILL GERMANS.
124
00:04:44,452 --> 00:04:47,421
SINCE WHEN DO YOU BECOME
SO PRO-NAZI?
125
00:04:47,455 --> 00:04:50,724
I AM NOT PRO-NAZI.
I'M JUST ANTI-VIOLENCE.
126
00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:56,630
ALTHOUGH I REALIZE I'M PREACHING
IN THE WRONG CHURCH HERE.
127
00:04:56,664 --> 00:04:58,031
CALM DOWN, BETTY.
128
00:04:58,065 --> 00:05:00,768
I'M JUST GOING OFF
TO PLAY PAINTBALL.
129
00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:02,302
THIS IS
WHERE IT STARTS.
130
00:05:02,336 --> 00:05:04,638
AS A CULTURE, WE TEACH
OUR CHILDREN TO BE VIOLENT.
131
00:05:04,672 --> 00:05:06,707
NO, NO, NO.
THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE TAUGHT.
132
00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:09,377
YOU STUFF A PAPER DONKEY
FULL OF CANDY,
133
00:05:09,410 --> 00:05:13,013
GIVE KIDS STICKS, WATCH NATURE
JUST TAKE ITS COURSE.
134
00:05:14,515 --> 00:05:16,617
I STILL REMEMBER
MY FIRST PIÑATA.
135
00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:18,318
THE ONLY THING
DORA WAS EXPLORING
136
00:05:18,352 --> 00:05:20,354
WAS THE BUSINESS END
OF A BASEBALL BAT.
137
00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:25,459
WELL, I WOULD APPRECIATE
IF EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,
138
00:05:25,493 --> 00:05:26,960
YOU COULD SHOW BOYD
A MOVIE
139
00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:29,062
WHERE CONFLICT IS SETTLED
THROUGH DIPLOMACY.
140
00:05:29,096 --> 00:05:30,297
SO TYPICAL, RYAN.
141
00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:32,332
YOU WANT ALL THE PROTECTION
THE MILITARY PROVIDES,
142
00:05:32,366 --> 00:05:34,868
BUT YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW
HOW THEY MAKE THE SAUSAGE.
143
00:05:34,902 --> 00:05:37,037
I KNOW HOW THEY MAKE
THE SAUSAGE.
144
00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:39,407
IT'S A BIG PART
OF WHY I'M A VEGETARIAN.
145
00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:41,409
ENJOY YOUR LENTIL CHOPS,
HIPPIE.
146
00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:44,077
I'M OFF TO SHOOT PEOPLE
WITH PAINT.
147
00:05:44,111 --> 00:05:45,345
BYE!
BYE!
BYE!
148
00:05:45,379 --> 00:05:46,914
YOU KNOW,
I DON'T SEE THE HARM
149
00:05:46,947 --> 00:05:49,316
STEERING BOYD
TOWARDS NONVIOLENT ACTIVITIES.
150
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:51,719
HE JUST HELPED ME PICK OUT
THIS VERY PRETTY SCARF.
151
00:05:51,752 --> 00:05:55,523
I THINK
WE FOUND THE HARM.
152
00:05:55,556 --> 00:05:57,525
HEY.
HI.
153
00:05:57,558 --> 00:05:58,459
CAN YOU BELIEVE
OUR KID?
154
00:05:58,492 --> 00:06:01,061
THE ONE I DON'T BELIEVE
IS SPENCER'S MOM.
155
00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:03,431
THEY WERE PLAYING WAR
WITH THEIR FINGERS.
156
00:06:03,464 --> 00:06:05,533
WELL, I GOT A FINGER
FOR HER.
157
00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:07,367
WE HAVE A RULE
AMONG PARENTS --
158
00:06:07,401 --> 00:06:10,003
YOU INVITE MY KID TO A PARTY,
HE'S YOURS FOR FOUR HOURS.
159
00:06:10,037 --> 00:06:11,605
OH, THAT REMINDS ME --
I'VE GOT THAT HAIR APPOINTMENT,
160
00:06:11,639 --> 00:06:13,607
AND MARCI HAS A REALLY STRICT
CANCELATION POLICY.
OF COURSE. YES. GO.
161
00:06:13,641 --> 00:06:15,008
LET THE LADIES
TAKE CARE OF THIS.
162
00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:16,143
YOU GO
GET YOUR HAIR DONE.
163
00:06:17,411 --> 00:06:19,713
SO, HOW'S, UH, BOYD DOING
WITH ALL THIS?
164
00:06:19,747 --> 00:06:21,749
YOU KNOW, HE ONLY HAS
A FEW FRIENDS,
165
00:06:21,782 --> 00:06:23,417
AND SPENCER
WAS HIS FAVORITE.
166
00:06:23,451 --> 00:06:25,453
I DIDN'T REALIZE HE WAS
HAVING TROUBLE MAKING FRIENDS.
167
00:06:25,486 --> 00:06:27,755
THAT'S BECAUSE HE'S LEE MARVIN,
THE LEADER.
168
00:06:27,788 --> 00:06:30,223
CAN NEVER GET CLOSE TO PEOPLE
'CAUSE...
169
00:06:30,257 --> 00:06:32,259
THEY ALWAYS COME AFTER
THE ONES YOU LOVE.
170
00:06:33,494 --> 00:06:36,263
MIKE, HONEY, THIS IS TROUBLING.
I MEAN ALL OF IT.
171
00:06:36,296 --> 00:06:39,399
BOYD'S STRUGGLE TO MAKE FRIENDS,
YOUR CRUSH ON LEE MARVIN.
172
00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:43,370
HE DOESN'T NEED TO BE FRIENDS
WITH THIS SPENCER WEENIE.
173
00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:45,439
I MEAN, 7-YEAR-OLDS MAKE FRIENDS
QUICKER THAN DRUNKS.
174
00:06:45,473 --> 00:06:47,074
THEY'RE FIGHTING ONE MINUTE,
AND THE NEXT,
175
00:06:47,107 --> 00:06:49,076
[ Slurring ]
"I LOVE YOU, MAN. I DO."
176
00:06:49,109 --> 00:06:52,546
HI, MOMMY. I GOT 86'ed
OUT OF THE PARTY.
177
00:06:52,580 --> 00:06:53,547
OH, I KNOW, SWEETIE,
178
00:06:53,581 --> 00:06:55,616
BUT DID YOU AT LEAST
GET TO EAT SOME CAKE?
179
00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:58,218
NO. AND IT WAS CARROT
WITH SOY ICE CREAM.
180
00:06:58,251 --> 00:06:59,286
OHHH.
181
00:06:59,319 --> 00:07:02,155
SPENCER'S MOM
DID YOU A FAVOR, PAL.
182
00:07:02,189 --> 00:07:04,492
CAN WE DO
SOMETHING FUN NOW?
183
00:07:04,525 --> 00:07:06,660
OH, THAT'S A LITTLE BIT
OF A PROBLEM.
184
00:07:06,694 --> 00:07:08,929
YOU SEE, MOMMY HAS TO
GET BACK TO WORK.
185
00:07:08,962 --> 00:07:09,997
WELL,
THERE'S NO PROBLEM.
186
00:07:10,030 --> 00:07:11,599
GRANDPA CAN TAKE YOU
TO OUTDOOR MAN,
187
00:07:11,632 --> 00:07:13,433
IF IT'S ALL RIGHT, 'CAUSE WE'RE
HAVING A WEEKEND PROMOTION,
188
00:07:13,467 --> 00:07:15,002
LOT OF KID STUFF TO DO.
OH, YEAH?
189
00:07:15,035 --> 00:07:17,505
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
THERE'S A BOUNCY HOUSE,
ARCADE, FACE PAINTING.
190
00:07:17,538 --> 00:07:18,906
WE'LL MEET
SOME NEW FRIENDS.
191
00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:20,608
THERE'LL BE
MORE SPENCERS THERE
192
00:07:20,641 --> 00:07:22,476
THAN YOU CAN
SHAKE A STICK AT.
193
00:07:22,510 --> 00:07:23,443
AND DOWN AT OUTDOOR MAN,
194
00:07:23,477 --> 00:07:25,546
YOU CAN ACTUALLY
SHAKE STICKS AT PEOPLE.
195
00:07:26,514 --> 00:07:28,181
SOUNDS PERFECT, DAD.
THANK YOU.
196
00:07:28,215 --> 00:07:30,584
BUT BEFORE WE GO,
COME UP AND HELP GRANDPA
PICK OUT AN OUTFIT.
197
00:07:30,618 --> 00:07:31,585
COME ON!
198
00:07:38,992 --> 00:07:40,460
CAN I PLAY SHOOTING GALLERY,
GRANDPA?
199
00:07:40,494 --> 00:07:42,262
BOYD, WE'RE NOT DOING THAT
RIGHT NOW.
200
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:44,698
WE'RE COMING HERE TO PLAY GAMES
AND -- AND MAKE FRIENDS HERE.
201
00:07:44,732 --> 00:07:47,367
LIKE...GO IN THE BOUNCY HOUSE.
A LOT OF NICE KIDS IN THERE.
202
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:49,469
BUT I DON'T WANT TO GO
TO THE BOUNCY HOUSE.
YOU'RE GONNA GO --
203
00:07:49,503 --> 00:07:50,771
I WANT TO SHOOT
THE RIFLES.
204
00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:52,105
STOP, STOP, STOP.
CALM DOWN.
PLE-E-E-E-ASE?
205
00:07:52,139 --> 00:07:53,273
LET THE KID SHOOT!
206
00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:55,142
THERE'S A PITCH
TO THAT WHINE
207
00:07:55,175 --> 00:07:57,210
THAT CUTS
RIGHT THROUGH MY SKULL.
208
00:07:57,244 --> 00:07:59,513
LET'S DO A LITTLE SNACK.
HOW ABOUT A PRETZEL?
209
00:07:59,547 --> 00:08:01,815
TAKE HIM OVER THERE AND JUST
SPRAY MUSTARD ALL OVER HIS FACE.
210
00:08:01,849 --> 00:08:04,451
THAT'S WHERE IT'S GONNA END UP
ANYWAY, RIGHT?
211
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:07,220
ALL RIGHT, THESE GLASSES
BELONG TO THAT GIRL,
212
00:08:07,254 --> 00:08:09,289
AND THIS INHALER
IS HIS.
213
00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:12,025
OR IS IT
THE OTHER WAY AROUND?
214
00:08:12,059 --> 00:08:14,261
IT'S OKAY, KYLE. GIVE THAT
TO WHOEVER STARTS WHEEZING.
215
00:08:15,362 --> 00:08:16,564
GET THIS.
216
00:08:16,597 --> 00:08:17,965
HEH?
217
00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:20,200
BOYD GOES TO A BIRTHDAY PARTY
TODAY, AND THEY KICK HIM OUT
218
00:08:20,233 --> 00:08:22,402
FOR POINTING A FINGER GUN
AT ANOTHER KID.
219
00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:25,038
COME ON.
A FINGER PISTOL?
YEAH.
220
00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:26,506
THEY'RE COMING
FOR THESE NOW? COME ON.
221
00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:27,507
I KNOW.
222
00:08:27,541 --> 00:08:29,242
SOME LADY
AT THE PARTY --
223
00:08:29,276 --> 00:08:30,477
HIS DAD --
224
00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:33,146
GOT ALL BENT OUT OF SHAPE
ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW.
225
00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:35,415
SO...HE DOESN'T LIKE
SIMULATED VIOLENCE.
226
00:08:35,448 --> 00:08:36,917
COUNTRY'S GONE SOFT,
MIKE.
227
00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:39,386
IT USED TO BE AIR RIFLES
WERE STANDARD ISSUE,
228
00:08:39,419 --> 00:08:40,921
YOU KNOW,
IN THE FIRST GRADE.
229
00:08:40,954 --> 00:08:43,657
I TOOK MORE SHRAPNEL
IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
230
00:08:43,691 --> 00:08:46,660
THAN I EVER DID
IN VIETNAM.
231
00:08:46,694 --> 00:08:48,729
NOW THESE KIDS ARE SPENDING
ALL THEIR TIME IN BASEMENTS
232
00:08:48,762 --> 00:08:51,364
EATING CHEETOS,
SHOOTING ZOMBIES,
233
00:08:51,398 --> 00:08:54,702
GETTING FAKE EXERCISE
AND REAL FAT.
234
00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:57,337
POW, POW!
I GOT YOU, GRANDPA!
235
00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:58,672
[ CHUCKLES ]
LOOK AT THAT.
236
00:08:58,706 --> 00:09:00,440
THE BOY'S MADE A GUN
OUT OF A PRETZEL.
237
00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:03,443
THE GERMANS
WOULD BE PROUD, KID.
238
00:09:04,444 --> 00:09:05,879
BETTER WATCH
THAT CURVED BARREL,
239
00:09:05,913 --> 00:09:09,049
OR YOU'RE GONNA SHOOT YOURSELF
IN THE SCHNITZEL.
240
00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:11,284
NOW CAN I GO TO
THE SHOOTING GALLERY, GRANDPA?
241
00:09:11,318 --> 00:09:12,519
NO, WE'RE GONNA GET
IN THE BOUNCY.
242
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,221
COME ON. NOW, WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO, MIKE?
243
00:09:14,254 --> 00:09:16,590
IT'S THE WAY
LITTLE BOYS ARE WIRED.
244
00:09:16,624 --> 00:09:18,558
HMM?
245
00:09:18,592 --> 00:09:20,728
LISTEN, AS FAR AS
ANYONE'S CONCERNED,
246
00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:23,430
I MIGHT HAVE LOST TRACK OF YOU
FOR A HALF-HOUR.
247
00:09:23,463 --> 00:09:24,765
LET'S GO. COME ON.
248
00:09:24,798 --> 00:09:26,767
HEY, PAUL, LINE 'EM UP.
249
00:09:30,103 --> 00:09:33,540
MOM, DON'T WORRY.
EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE FINE.
250
00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:37,144
WHY DO I SUDDENLY FEEL LIKE
YOU RAN SOMEBODY OVER?
251
00:09:37,177 --> 00:09:38,746
BECAUSE THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT SHE SAID
252
00:09:38,779 --> 00:09:41,381
THAT TIME
THAT SHE RAN SOMEBODY OVER.
253
00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:43,250
THIS IS WAY BIGGER
THAN THAT, OKAY?
254
00:09:43,283 --> 00:09:45,285
I FIGURED OUT A WAY
FOR YOU TO LOOK AWESOME
255
00:09:45,318 --> 00:09:47,287
WHEN YOU MEET UP
WITH YOUR SCHOOL FRIENDS,
256
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:48,488
ETHEL AND MILDRED.
257
00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:51,825
SUZY AND BETSY!
258
00:09:51,859 --> 00:09:52,960
WHO ARE THEY?
259
00:09:52,993 --> 00:09:54,461
UH, MOM'S HOT FRIENDS
FROM COLLEGE.
260
00:09:54,494 --> 00:09:56,096
SUZY LOOKS LIKE
SHE'S 30.
261
00:09:56,129 --> 00:09:57,464
EW. 30.
262
00:09:57,497 --> 00:09:58,699
SAD.
263
00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:01,468
* TA-DA-DA-DA
264
00:10:01,501 --> 00:10:03,671
SWEETIE! THANK YOU!
265
00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:05,572
OOH, LET ME SEE.
266
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:06,573
WELL.
267
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,441
A LITTLE SHORT,
BUT I LIKE IT.
268
00:10:08,475 --> 00:10:11,411
OH, GOD, NO!
THAT'S JUST THE FIRST LAYER.
269
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:12,746
ALL RIGHT.
270
00:10:12,780 --> 00:10:16,016
SO, HERE ARE THE LEGGINGS
TO LAYER UNDER THAT.
271
00:10:16,049 --> 00:10:17,117
OKAY.
272
00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:19,519
AND THEN WE GOT A SWEATER
TO LAYER OVER.
273
00:10:19,552 --> 00:10:21,188
THEN WE GOT
THIS NICE SCARF
274
00:10:21,221 --> 00:10:24,257
SO YOU CAN JUST COVER UP
ALL THAT, LIKE, UGGGGH!
275
00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:27,360
SUPER-WIDE BELT JUST TO
SORT OF "SSSK!" IN THE MIDDLE.
276
00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:30,931
SO, FOR ME, BEING AWESOME
MEANS "NOT VISIBLE"?
277
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:33,934
OH, MY GOD.
MOM, I'M SO SORRY.
278
00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:36,003
TOTALLY FORGOT THE PONCHO.
HOLD THAT!
279
00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:39,639
HONEY,
I'M NOT WEARING THIS.
280
00:10:39,673 --> 00:10:42,843
I MAY NOT BE 22,
BUT I'M NOT THE ELEPHANT WOMAN.
281
00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:43,844
GOOD FOR YOU.
282
00:10:43,877 --> 00:10:45,112
YEAH,
I'M WITH VANESSA.
283
00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:46,546
I MEAN,
WHAT MAKES SOCIETY THINK
284
00:10:46,579 --> 00:10:48,381
THAT AN OLDER WOMAN
CAN'T BE SEXY?
285
00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:50,684
THEIR EYES?
286
00:10:51,819 --> 00:10:53,453
THANK YOU, RYAN.
287
00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:54,554
YOU KNOW WHAT?
288
00:10:54,587 --> 00:10:57,024
I THINK I COULD
TOTALLY PULL THIS ONE OFF.
289
00:10:57,057 --> 00:10:59,559
OOH. NOT IF DAD
PULLS IT OFF YOU FIRST.
290
00:10:59,592 --> 00:11:00,728
OH, GROSS!
291
00:11:00,761 --> 00:11:03,396
YEAH, NOW THAT MIKE'S IN
THE MIX, I'M KIND OF WITH MANDY.
292
00:11:05,532 --> 00:11:08,736
I AM GONNA WEAR THIS DRESS,
AND I AM GONNA LOOK HOT.
293
00:11:08,769 --> 00:11:10,804
KARDASHIAN HOT.
294
00:11:10,838 --> 00:11:14,074
OH, AND NOT THE MOM
OR THE TALL ONE.
295
00:11:18,045 --> 00:11:20,080
AH.
I BLAME FOREVER 21.
296
00:11:20,113 --> 00:11:23,516
YOU KNOW, THEY SHOULD
REALLY CALL THAT PLACE
"FACE IT, YOU'RE 50."
297
00:11:25,753 --> 00:11:28,355
PAINTBALL IS AWESOME!
298
00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:29,556
Kristin: WHAT?
299
00:11:29,589 --> 00:11:30,590
HEY, WHAT HAPPENED
300
00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:32,392
TO "WAIT AND LET'S SEE
IF THEY NOTICE"?
301
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:35,195
YOU SAID HE WAS
TAKING HIM FACE PAINTING.
302
00:11:35,228 --> 00:11:37,497
WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE THEY GOT
A LITTLE BIT ON HIS FACE.
303
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,666
NO, NO, NO. THAT'S ACTUALLY
GERMAN SPICY MUSTARD.
304
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:41,201
I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU,
MIKE.
305
00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:42,836
I MEAN, AFTER EVERYTHING
WE TALKED ABOUT,
306
00:11:42,870 --> 00:11:44,071
YOU TAKE HIM
PAINTBALLING?
307
00:11:44,104 --> 00:11:45,172
THIS IS NOT PAINTBALL.
308
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:46,940
IT'S CALLED SPLAT-BALL.
IT'S LOW-IMPACT.
309
00:11:46,974 --> 00:11:48,541
IT'S JUST FOR KIDS.
WHY WAS HE EVEN THERE?
310
00:11:48,575 --> 00:11:50,110
THEY CAME TO PICK ME UP
FROM PAINTBALL,
311
00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:51,945
AND THERE WERE SOME KIDS
FROM BOYD'S SCHOOL PLAYING.
312
00:11:51,979 --> 00:11:53,847
THE LUCKY ONES
THAT DIDN'T GET INVITED
313
00:11:53,881 --> 00:11:55,682
TO THAT WEENIE SPENCER'S PARTY,
OKAY?
314
00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:58,185
IT WAS JUST A BUNCH OF KIDS.
THEY SAW BOYD SITTING THERE.
315
00:11:58,218 --> 00:12:00,453
THEY INVITED HIM TO PLAY.
HE MADE A BUNCH OF FRIENDS.
316
00:12:00,487 --> 00:12:01,855
THAT WAS THE IDEA --
TO MAKE SOME FRIENDS, RIGHT?
317
00:12:01,889 --> 00:12:05,392
YEAH, FRIENDS WITH GUNS --
THAT'S CALLED A GANG.
318
00:12:05,425 --> 00:12:07,627
THEY EVEN GAVE ME
A NICKNAME.
YEAH?
319
00:12:07,660 --> 00:12:12,099
"BULLSEYE," LIKE A SCARY EYE
ON A BIG, TOUGH BULL.
320
00:12:12,132 --> 00:12:14,601
YEAH, THAT'S...PROBABLY
WHY THEY GAVE YOU THAT NICKNAME.
321
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:19,439
HE SEEMED TO REALLY HIT IT OFF
WITH THIS KID MAX.
322
00:12:19,472 --> 00:12:22,075
MAX IS GONNA PLAY AGAIN
NEXT WEEK. CAN I GO, TOO, DAD?
323
00:12:22,109 --> 00:12:24,477
SOUNDS LIKE HE REALLY DID
HAVE A GOOD TIME.
324
00:12:24,511 --> 00:12:27,547
MAX CAN DRINK SODA
THROUGH HIS NOSE.
325
00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:30,283
WELL, UH, WHAT ABOUT
YOUR BUDDY SPENCER?
326
00:12:30,317 --> 00:12:33,586
SPENCER'S MOM
WON'T LET HIM DRINK SODA.
327
00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:34,621
BABE, PLEASE?
328
00:12:35,622 --> 00:12:37,490
I GUESS WE'LL BE SEEING
A LOT MORE OF MAX.
329
00:12:37,524 --> 00:12:40,227
MAX IS GOOD PEOPLE.
330
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:43,296
THE KID WAS NICE ENOUGH
TO SHARE HIS AMMO WITH BOYD.
331
00:12:43,330 --> 00:12:46,233
HERE, HERE...HERE.
332
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:56,143
WELL, ALL RIGHT.
YEAH, THAT'S GREAT.
333
00:12:56,176 --> 00:12:58,111
WE'LL SEE YOU
IN A FEW MINUTES.
334
00:12:58,145 --> 00:13:00,480
AND TELL SPENCER
I'LL WHIP HIM UP
SOME MAC AND CHEESE.
335
00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:02,115
OF COURSE GLUTEN-FREE.
336
00:13:03,483 --> 00:13:05,752
OF COURSE
WITHOUT THE CHEESE.
337
00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:07,821
GREAT NEWS, BUDDY.
338
00:13:07,855 --> 00:13:09,156
SPENCER'S COMING OVER
FOR A PLAYDATE.
339
00:13:09,189 --> 00:13:10,490
YAY! I'M GONNA GO
BUILD A FORT!
340
00:13:10,523 --> 00:13:11,825
OH. OKAY.
341
00:13:11,859 --> 00:13:15,795
BUT A NONVIOLENT PEACE FORT
WHERE EVERYBODY IS WELCOME.
342
00:13:15,829 --> 00:13:17,797
THAT IS GREAT THAT SANDRA'S
LETTING SPENCER COMING OVER.
343
00:13:17,831 --> 00:13:19,132
I KNOW.
YEAH.
344
00:13:19,166 --> 00:13:21,201
THAT'S THE KIND OF FRIEND
I WANT BOYD TO HAVE, YOU KNOW?
345
00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:22,870
NOT THOSE GUNSLINGING
MINI PSYCHOS
346
00:13:22,903 --> 00:13:24,504
YOUR DAD
HOOKED HIM UP WITH.
347
00:13:24,537 --> 00:13:26,639
ALL RIGHT.
ENOUGH, OKAY?
348
00:13:26,673 --> 00:13:28,608
UH, HOW DID YOU GET SANDRA
TO AGREE?
349
00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:30,878
OH, YOU KNOW,
I CAN BE VERY PERSUASIVE --
350
00:13:30,911 --> 00:13:34,814
ESPECIALLY WHEN I USE
THE [Deep voice] NPR VOICE.
351
00:13:34,848 --> 00:13:35,883
OH, YEAH.
352
00:13:35,916 --> 00:13:37,784
I DON'T KNOW
WHETHER I WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU
353
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:40,453
OR...PLEDGE MONEY.
354
00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:42,155
WELL, EITHER WAY,
YOU WILL GET A TOTE BAG.
355
00:13:42,189 --> 00:13:43,523
[ CHUCKLES ]
356
00:13:43,556 --> 00:13:45,893
NOW, SANDRA JUST WANTED TO
MAKE SURE OUR HOUSE WAS SAFE --
357
00:13:45,926 --> 00:13:48,228
YOU KNOW, NO GUNS,
NO MEAN DOGS OR ANYTHING.
358
00:13:48,261 --> 00:13:51,298
UH, AND...
WHAT DID YOU TELL HER?
359
00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:53,867
THAT EVERYTHING WAS FINE.
360
00:13:53,901 --> 00:13:55,402
IS...THAT A PROBLEM?
361
00:13:55,435 --> 00:13:57,670
DID WE GET AN INVISIBLE DOG
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT?
362
00:13:57,704 --> 00:13:58,838
[ CHUCKLES ] NO.
363
00:13:58,872 --> 00:14:00,540
IT'S JUST THAT, YOU KNOW,
AS A PARENT,
364
00:14:00,573 --> 00:14:03,676
I CAN'T IN GOOD CONSCIENCE
LIE TO ANOTHER MOM, SO...
365
00:14:03,710 --> 00:14:06,379
WELL, YEAH, OKAY, BUT WE DIDN'T
LIE TO HER, SO...
366
00:14:06,413 --> 00:14:10,817
WELL, WE ACTUALLY...
KIND OF...
367
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:12,752
HAVE A-A GUN.
368
00:14:14,888 --> 00:14:16,289
[ LAUGHS ]
369
00:14:17,925 --> 00:14:19,092
NO, WE DON'T.
370
00:14:20,427 --> 00:14:22,595
I HAVE A GUN.
371
00:14:22,629 --> 00:14:24,297
NO, YOU DON'T.
372
00:14:25,132 --> 00:14:26,533
YOU HAVE A GUN?
373
00:14:26,566 --> 00:14:28,835
I NEVER MENTIONED IT?
374
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:30,904
I MAY NOT LISTEN
TO EVERYTHIN YOU SAY, KRIS,
375
00:14:30,938 --> 00:14:32,205
BUT I REMEMBER
THE BIG ONES,
376
00:14:32,239 --> 00:14:35,542
LIKE "I'M PREGNANT"
AND "I HAVE A GUN."
377
00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:37,911
IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN UNLOADED
AND COMPLETELY LOCKED UP.
378
00:14:37,945 --> 00:14:40,680
YOU KNOW THAT SAFE THAT'S
ON THE TOP SHELF OF MY CLOSET?
379
00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:41,949
YEAH.
THAT'S FOR JEWELRY.
380
00:14:41,982 --> 00:14:44,584
HAVE YOU EVER GIVEN ME JEWELRY
WORTH PUTTING IN A SAFE?
381
00:14:46,253 --> 00:14:47,754
OKAY, THAT'S FAIR.
382
00:14:47,787 --> 00:14:50,057
BUT HOW COULD YOU BRING
A DEADLY WEAPON INTO OUR HOUSE
383
00:14:50,090 --> 00:14:51,791
AND WHEN WERE YOU
GONNA TELL ME ABOUT IT?
384
00:14:51,824 --> 00:14:53,793
IDEALLY,
RIGHT AFTER SAVING YOUR LIFE
385
00:14:53,826 --> 00:14:55,762
BY SHOOTING AN INTRUDER.
386
00:14:55,795 --> 00:14:57,364
THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE,
KRIS!
387
00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:59,432
LOOK, I GOT THE GUN
WHEN I WAS A KID.
388
00:14:59,466 --> 00:15:01,234
I-I KNOW
THIS MAY SOUND CRAZY TO YOU,
389
00:15:01,268 --> 00:15:03,436
BUT FROM MY DAD,
IT WAS A LOVING GIFT.
390
00:15:03,470 --> 00:15:05,905
HE -- HE WOULD TAKE ME
TO THE TARGET RANGE
391
00:15:05,939 --> 00:15:08,275
AND TEACH ME
GUN SAFETY,
392
00:15:08,308 --> 00:15:11,444
AND THEN AFTERWARDS, WE'D GO OUT
AND GET ROOT-BEER FLOATS.
393
00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:16,449
OKAY, LOOK, I AM GLAD
THAT YOU HAVE THESE WARM...
394
00:15:16,483 --> 00:15:19,819
VIOLENT MEMORIES
WITH YOUR FATHER,
395
00:15:19,852 --> 00:15:21,454
BUT YOU DON'T LIVE WITH HIM
ANYMORE.
396
00:15:21,488 --> 00:15:22,889
THIS IS OUR HOUSE --
397
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:25,425
A PLACE WHERE PARENTS
EXPECT THEIR KIDS TO BE SAFE,
398
00:15:25,458 --> 00:15:27,727
A-A PLACE WHERE
THERE'S NO GUNS IN THE CLOSET
399
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,629
AND NO CHEESE
IN THE MAC AND CHEESE.
400
00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:32,932
WELL, MY DAD WOULD ARGUE THAT
HAVING A GUN MAKES IT SAFER.
401
00:15:32,966 --> 00:15:34,734
BUT WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE,
KRIS?
402
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:36,936
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
403
00:15:36,970 --> 00:15:38,438
LOOK,
YOU HAVE TO DECIDE THAT.
404
00:15:38,471 --> 00:15:40,007
SPENCER'S HERE!
405
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:41,975
WAIT, HONEY.
DON'T ANSWER IT YET.
406
00:15:42,009 --> 00:15:44,511
WHY? SO YOU CAN LAY DOWN
SOME COVER FIRE?
407
00:15:48,015 --> 00:15:49,782
[ SIGHS ]
408
00:15:59,726 --> 00:16:01,094
THAT'S GREAT.
409
00:16:01,128 --> 00:16:03,997
NOW YOU GO UP AND PUT
SOMETHING PROPER ON, YOUNG LADY.
410
00:16:05,565 --> 00:16:09,036
SORRY. JUST HABIT.
411
00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:11,004
THIS IS WHAT I'M WEARING TO HAVE
COCKTAILS WITH MY FRIENDS.
412
00:16:11,038 --> 00:16:12,139
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
413
00:16:12,172 --> 00:16:16,009
WHAT I THINK IS,
"SUCK IT, MEN. I WIN."
414
00:16:16,043 --> 00:16:17,810
[ LAUGHS ]
415
00:16:18,911 --> 00:16:21,048
HEY.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
416
00:16:21,081 --> 00:16:22,715
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
417
00:16:25,418 --> 00:16:28,521
SHE'S SPEECHLESS. ANOTHER REASON
TO LOVE THAT DRESS.
418
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:30,657
YOU KNOW WHAT?
419
00:16:30,690 --> 00:16:32,725
I MAY NOT ROCK IT
LIKE SOMEBODY YOUNGER WOULD,
420
00:16:32,759 --> 00:16:34,327
BUT I THINK
I LOOK PRETTY DARN NICE.
421
00:16:34,361 --> 00:16:35,662
UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH.
STOP.
422
00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:38,365
TURN.
423
00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:41,568
TURN.
424
00:16:44,404 --> 00:16:46,373
TURN.
NO, THAT'S ENOUGH.
I'M NOT TURNING.
425
00:16:46,406 --> 00:16:49,176
NO, NO, KEEP SPINNING.
IT'LL SAVE MONEY ON BOOZE.
426
00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:54,414
MANDY,
WHAT -- WHAT IS IT?
427
00:16:54,447 --> 00:16:56,549
MOM...
428
00:16:56,583 --> 00:16:59,519
I WAS WRONG TO THINK
THAT YOU CAN'T WEAR MY DESIGNS
429
00:16:59,552 --> 00:17:01,188
JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE OLD.
430
00:17:04,023 --> 00:17:07,594
THAT WAS SO CLOSE
TO A COMPLIMENT.
431
00:17:07,627 --> 00:17:11,898
YOU LOOK SMOKIN'-HOT,
MOM.
432
00:17:11,931 --> 00:17:13,166
[ LAUGHS ]
THANK YOU.
433
00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:15,102
I'M A MIRACLE WORKER.
434
00:17:19,306 --> 00:17:20,707
HOW DO YOU FEEL?
435
00:17:20,740 --> 00:17:22,742
YOU'VE PROVED MANDY WRONG.
436
00:17:22,775 --> 00:17:26,012
JOIN THE CLUB --
THE HU CLUB.
437
00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:28,115
YEAH. IT FEELS GREAT --
REALLY GREAT.
438
00:17:28,148 --> 00:17:29,116
GOOD.
YEAH.
439
00:17:29,149 --> 00:17:30,350
I'M GONNA GO
TAKE THIS DRESS OFF NOW.
440
00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:32,185
WHY?
I PROVED MY POINT.
441
00:17:32,219 --> 00:17:35,222
I JUST -- I WANT TO GO
OUT WITH MY GIRLFRIENDS
AND FEEL COMFORTABLE.
442
00:17:35,255 --> 00:17:36,923
DON'T YOU WANT THEM
TO SEE THIS?
443
00:17:36,956 --> 00:17:39,292
BET YOU SUZY'S REACTION --
SURPRISE, EXCITEMENT, JEALOUSY.
444
00:17:39,326 --> 00:17:41,761
KIND OF HARD TO TELL WITH
THE BOTOX. IT'LL JUST BE...
445
00:17:43,596 --> 00:17:45,765
WELL...IT IS NICE
446
00:17:45,798 --> 00:17:48,235
TO LET THE GIRLS OUT
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.
447
00:17:48,268 --> 00:17:49,969
BELIEVE ME,
THE BOYS LIKE IT.
448
00:17:52,172 --> 00:17:53,973
OKAY.
WELL, THEN I'LL WEAR IT.
449
00:17:54,006 --> 00:17:55,142
GOOD. GOOD.
HAVE FUN.
450
00:17:55,175 --> 00:17:56,309
DON'T WAIT UP.
451
00:17:56,343 --> 00:17:57,410
OH, I'LL BE UP.
452
00:17:59,246 --> 00:18:01,881
[ Laughing ] WOW.
MOM, YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.
453
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:03,416
I KNOW.
454
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:08,054
HEY, HEY, DAD, UH,
CAN I TALK TO YOU?
455
00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:09,256
UH, SURE.
456
00:18:09,289 --> 00:18:12,091
YOU KNOW, THE BEST THING
ABOUT YOU MOVING OUT
457
00:18:12,125 --> 00:18:15,628
IS I GET TO SEE
SO MUCH OF YOU.
458
00:18:15,662 --> 00:18:19,666
UM, LOOK, I...
I NEED YOU...
459
00:18:19,699 --> 00:18:21,901
TO KEEP THIS HERE
FOR ME.
460
00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:24,137
YOU'VE DONE SOMETHING TERRIBLE,
HAVEN'T YOU?
461
00:18:25,505 --> 00:18:28,074
WE GOT TO
GET OUR STORIES STRAIGHT.
462
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:32,279
NO, UH, RYAN DOESN'T WANT IT
IN THE APARTMENT.
463
00:18:32,312 --> 00:18:34,681
TAKING ORDERS
FROM RYAN, HUH?
464
00:18:34,714 --> 00:18:36,516
IT WAS MY DECISION.
465
00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:38,685
IT'S YOUR RIGHT.
466
00:18:38,718 --> 00:18:41,321
IT'S ALSO MY RIGHT TO TELL YOU
IT'S A STUPID DECISION.
467
00:18:41,354 --> 00:18:44,491
IN THE CAR ON THE WAY OVER HERE,
I WAS, UH, THINKING
468
00:18:44,524 --> 00:18:46,926
ABOUT THAT SUMMER UP AT CAMP
WHEN YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO SHOOT.
469
00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:48,094
DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?
470
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:49,128
UH, TICK SUMMER.
471
00:18:49,162 --> 00:18:51,298
NO, THAT WAS
THE SUNBURN SUMMER.
472
00:18:51,331 --> 00:18:52,098
YEAH.
473
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:53,866
YOU LINED UP THE CANS
ON THE FENCE,
474
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:56,303
AND YOU TOLD ME TO PRETEND
THAT THEY WERE CRAIG GERARD
475
00:18:56,336 --> 00:18:58,771
BECAUSE HE KEPT CALLING ME
"SISSY KRISSY."
476
00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:00,773
HE ENDED UP MARRYING
A DUDE, DIDN'T HE?
MM-HMM.
477
00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:02,875
SO HE WAS PROBABLY
JUST PROJECTING BACK THEN.
478
00:19:02,909 --> 00:19:05,845
AND WHEN I WAS 16...
479
00:19:05,878 --> 00:19:08,114
YOU GAVE ME THIS GUN.
480
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:09,816
I HAD A BIG FIGHT
WITH YOUR MOM ABOUT THAT.
481
00:19:09,849 --> 00:19:11,117
SHE SAID
WE SHOULD GET YOU A CAR.
482
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:13,420
I SAID WITH A GUN, YOU CAN GET
WHATEVER CAR YOU WANT.
483
00:19:15,021 --> 00:19:16,323
WHEN I MOVED OUT,
484
00:19:16,356 --> 00:19:19,292
UH, I KNEW I WOULDN'T HAVE YOU
TO PROTECT ME ANYMORE,
485
00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:20,727
BUT I HAD THIS.
486
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:23,363
YOU KNOW, IT WAS
A SORT OF PIECE OF YOU WITH ME,
487
00:19:23,396 --> 00:19:25,565
AND IT MADE IT
A LOT EASIER.
488
00:19:25,598 --> 00:19:27,800
BUT I'M
GETTING MARRIED NOW,
489
00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:31,204
AND I WANT RYAN TO FEEL
COMFORTABLE IN OUR HOME,
490
00:19:31,238 --> 00:19:33,473
SO I AM GETTING RID
OF THE COUCH
491
00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:35,875
AND ANYTHING
THAT KILLS PEOPLE.
492
00:19:35,908 --> 00:19:38,345
THANK GOD YOU GOT BOYD AROUND
TO PROTECT YOU.
493
00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:41,381
THAT AND WE DON'T OWN
ANYTHING WORTH STEALING, SO...
494
00:19:41,414 --> 00:19:44,317
WELL, CERTAINLY
NOT ANYMORE.
495
00:19:44,351 --> 00:19:45,385
DAD --
496
00:19:45,418 --> 00:19:47,220
I GET IT.
I GET IT, OKAY?
497
00:19:47,254 --> 00:19:48,821
ARE YOU MAD?
NO, I'M NOT MAD.
498
00:19:48,855 --> 00:19:50,323
I JUST WANT YOU
TO REMEMBER --
499
00:19:50,357 --> 00:19:51,924
WHEN HE'S OUT DELIVERING
FOR A WEEKEND
500
00:19:51,958 --> 00:19:54,261
AND YOU HEAR SOME NOISE
IN THE HOUSE THAT SCARES YOU --
501
00:19:54,294 --> 00:19:56,229
I KNOW, I KNOW --
DON'T COME CRYING TO YOU.
502
00:19:56,263 --> 00:19:57,864
NO. YOU CALL ME.
503
00:19:57,897 --> 00:20:00,367
I'LL BE THERE
BEFORE YOU HANG UP THE PHONE.
504
00:20:08,908 --> 00:20:11,177
THE BILL OF RIGHTS --
THE ACTUAL BILL OF RIGHTS.
505
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,880
I GOT TO GET THIS BACK.
THEY'RE GONNA BE PRETTY UPSET.
506
00:20:13,913 --> 00:20:16,249
THIS SACRED DOCUMENT
MEANS DIFFERENT THINGS
507
00:20:16,283 --> 00:20:17,784
TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
508
00:20:17,817 --> 00:20:20,287
TO A PATRIOT, IT'S A SAFEGUARD
FOR THOSE PERSONAL FREEDOMS
509
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:22,555
WE HOLD BACK
FROM THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.
510
00:20:22,589 --> 00:20:25,024
FOR NIC CAGE,
IT'S A CODED TREASURE MAP
511
00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:28,595
LEADING HIM
TO BEN FRANKLIN'S GOLD.
512
00:20:28,628 --> 00:20:30,730
THE FIRST AMENDMENT --
BOY, THAT'S A BIG ONE.
513
00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:32,865
FREEDOM OF SPEECH AND RELIGION,
ALSO KNOWN AS
514
00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:36,303
"WHY YOU CAN'T SHOVE
A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS
OFF YOUR PORCH."
515
00:20:36,336 --> 00:20:38,638
SECOND AMENDMENT --
OH, BOY, HERE WE GO --
516
00:20:38,671 --> 00:20:39,739
THE RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS.
517
00:20:39,772 --> 00:20:42,642
AND BY "ARMS," I THINK
THE FOUNDERS ALSO MEANT...
518
00:20:42,675 --> 00:20:44,043
FINGER GUNS.
519
00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:46,813
OUTDOOR MAN ENCOURAGES
GUN RIGHTS, SAFETY,
520
00:20:46,846 --> 00:20:47,947
AND RESPECT FOR OTHERS.
521
00:20:47,980 --> 00:20:50,717
OUR FOCUS MUST BE ON
KEEPING GUNS IN PROPER HANDS.
522
00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:53,786
NOW, 99% OF YOU GUN OWNERS
ARE SMART, SANE PEOPLE.
523
00:20:53,820 --> 00:20:57,056
I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU,
SO GO ON ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
524
00:20:57,089 --> 00:20:59,459
THIS MESSAGE IS
FOR THE CRAZY PEOPLE.
525
00:20:59,492 --> 00:21:01,093
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
526
00:21:01,127 --> 00:21:02,895
YOU WEAR FULL-BODY ARMOR
527
00:21:02,929 --> 00:21:06,098
AND CARRY AN AK-47
TO ORDER A BURRITO AT CHIPOTLE.
528
00:21:06,132 --> 00:21:07,634
NOT NECESSARY.
529
00:21:07,667 --> 00:21:10,903
IF YOU ASK POLITELY,
THEY'LL GIVE THE EXTRA SALSA.
530
00:21:10,937 --> 00:21:14,106
BESIDES, THE LAST THING
YOU FOLKS NEED IS "SPICY FOOD."
531
00:21:14,140 --> 00:21:17,410
YOU NEED HELP.
TALK TO SOMEBODY.
532
00:21:17,444 --> 00:21:19,412
AND THE VOICES IN YOUR HEAD
DON'T COUNT.
533
00:21:19,446 --> 00:21:20,847
FOR THE REST OF US,
534
00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:23,650
LET'S CONTINUE TO EXERCISE
OUR GUN RIGHTS RESPONSIBLY.
535
00:21:23,683 --> 00:21:25,251
THAT WAY,
WE CAN KEEP BIG GOVERNMENT
536
00:21:25,284 --> 00:21:26,919
FROM CLIMBING INTO BED
WITH US --
537
00:21:26,953 --> 00:21:29,489
UNLESS YOUR IDEA OF A GOOD TIME
IS BEING SPOONED BY...
538
00:21:29,522 --> 00:21:31,524
NANCY PELOSI.
40153
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