Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02:160 --> 00:00:05:760 Some side effects include headaches, blurred vision, and high blood pressure. 2 00:00:05:960 --> 00:00:08:440 Ask your doctor if it's right for you. 3 00:00:08:640 --> 00:00:10:360 - Dad? - Yeah? 4 00:00:10:600 --> 00:00:13:800 Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction? 5 00:00:16:480 --> 00:00:18:360 Well, Alan? Do you? 6 00:00:20:240 --> 00:00:24:840 Jake, wh... What do you know about erectile dysfunction? 7 00:00:25:120 --> 00:00:27:320 It's something to do with your penis, right? 8 00:00:27:560 --> 00:00:29:880 - Right. - And they say one out of three guys... 9 00:00:30:080 --> 00:00:33:640 ...gets it, and mine's fine, so it's gotta be one of you. 10 00:00:36:200 --> 00:00:38:440 - I'm fine. - Not me, l... 11 00:00:38:960 --> 00:00:41:000 So, what are the pills for? 12 00:00:41:200 --> 00:00:45:000 Well, what they do, Jake, is that they... They dilate the blood vessels... 13 00:00:45:200 --> 00:00:48:960 ...which allows more blood to easily flow to certain... 14 00:00:49:240 --> 00:00:50:920 They're boner pills, Jake. 15 00:00:53:560 --> 00:00:55:760 To get them, or to make them go away? 16 00:00:55:960 --> 00:00:57:640 To get them. Go get ready for bed. 17 00:00:57:880 --> 00:01:00:640 What's the point? They're not good for anything. 18 00:01:03:880 --> 00:01:05:440 You ever try any of those drugs? 19 00:01:05:680 --> 00:01:08:680 Once or twice. Out of curiosity, not necessity. 20 00:01:09:640 --> 00:01:11:640 - What did you think? - Not my thing. 21 00:01:11:840 --> 00:01:16:040 It's like corking the bat. You? 22 00:01:16:280 --> 00:01:21:000 Yeah, that's what my ex-wife wanted. More sex with me that lasted longer. 23 00:01:24:720 --> 00:01:29:560 Hello. Oh, hey, Eric. Hiya. What's happening, boyfriend? 24 00:01:29:840 --> 00:01:33:320 Oh, you're terrible. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? 25 00:01:33:520 --> 00:01:37:520 So, what's up? Saturday? Let me check my book. 26 00:01:40:000 --> 00:01:42:960 Saturday is marvelous. 27 00:01:43:360 --> 00:01:48:160 How dressy? Eveningwear, or California casual? 28 00:01:48:480 --> 00:01:52:000 Oh, goody. An excuse to shop. Like I need one. 29 00:01:52:200 --> 00:01:55:360 Okey-dokey, artichokey. Ciao for now. 30 00:02:00:400 --> 00:02:02:440 - What? - Something you wanna tell me? 31 00:02:02:840 --> 00:02:06:080 That? Oh, that's Eric. He's the head of a big ad agency. 32 00:02:06:320 --> 00:02:09:520 - Throws a lot of jingle work my way. - He wouldn't be gay, would he? 33 00:02:09:760 --> 00:02:12:400 What difference does it make? A person's sexuality... 34 00:02:12:600 --> 00:02:15:880 ...is a personal thing. It has no relevance in the business world. 35 00:02:16:080 --> 00:02:19:040 - But he is gay. - Oh, yeah. 36 00:02:19:520 --> 00:02:22:560 You know, it's okay to call them queer again. 37 00:02:23:280 --> 00:02:25:320 Good to know. Good to know. 38 00:02:25:520 --> 00:02:29:600 Would it fair to assume that you've led him to believe that... 39 00:02:29:800 --> 00:02:31:800 ...you are of a similar persuasion? 40 00:02:32:040 --> 00:02:36:440 Not deliberately. I kind of sort of backed into it. 41 00:02:36:720 --> 00:02:40:320 - Excuse me? - Okay. Poor choice of words. 42 00:02:41:320 --> 00:02:45:760 When we first met, I found myself falling into his... What do you call it? 43 00:02:46:000 --> 00:02:47:360 Futon? 44 00:02:47:560 --> 00:02:50:120 No, no, his manner of expressing himself. 45 00:02:50:360 --> 00:02:52:680 Tone, gestures. Like talking to a Southerner... 46 00:02:52:880 --> 00:02:57:200 ...you start saying "y'all" and "grits" and "tobaccy." 47 00:02:57:400 --> 00:02:59:240 - Oh, Charlie. - It's harmless. 48 00:02:59:440 --> 00:03:02:240 He throws me work. I want him to feel comfortable with me. 49 00:03:02:600 --> 00:03:06:080 And how far do you go to make him feel comfortable? 50 00:03:06:320 --> 00:03:10:240 Don't worry. I just sparkle a little bit. I don't burst into flames. 51 00:03:11:720 --> 00:03:16:440 - I don't know how you live with yourself. - Actually, I don't live with myself. 52 00:03:16:680 --> 00:03:18:760 I have a significant other. 53 00:03:19:920 --> 00:03:21:200 - What? - We're both invited... 54 00:03:21:400 --> 00:03:23:360 ...to a cocktail party Saturday night. 55 00:03:24:760 --> 00:03:26:240 What? 56 00:03:34:080 --> 00:03:36:240 - No. Absolutely not. - Oh, come on. 57 00:03:36:440 --> 00:03:38:400 You always complain we don't hang out. 58 00:03:38:640 --> 00:03:41:600 I didn't mean I wanted to date you. 59 00:03:41:840 --> 00:03:45:080 You don't think I'm gonna go to a gay cocktail party stag, do you? 60 00:03:45:280 --> 00:03:46:680 The way I sparkle? 61 00:03:46:920 --> 00:03:49:960 I'm not going to be your gay lover so you can make a few bucks. 62 00:03:50:200 --> 00:03:53:600 Okay, first of all, it's considerably more than a few bucks. 63 00:03:53:880 --> 00:03:57:000 This man was responsible for almost half my income last year. 64 00:03:57:200 --> 00:04:00:160 And that's the half I didn't gamble away. 65 00:04:00:360 --> 00:04:02:480 And second of all, you're not just my lover... 66 00:04:02:680 --> 00:04:05:440 ...you're my life partner. That makes you special. 67 00:04:05:680 --> 00:04:09:040 Forget it. It's immoral and deceitful, and I don't want any part of it. 68 00:04:09:240 --> 00:04:11:920 What's the big deal? Gay people pretend to be straight. 69 00:04:12:160 --> 00:04:13:840 They don't wanna be discriminated. 70 00:04:14:080 --> 00:04:18:160 And neither do I. The minute this guy finds out I'm a breeder, I'm history. 71 00:04:18:840 --> 00:04:22:240 I don't care. If you wanna engage in a fraudulent escapade... 72 00:04:22:480 --> 00:04:25:120 ...have one of your oafish poker buddies be your partner. 73 00:04:25:400 --> 00:04:28:840 You see? You see? Right there. Escapade. Oafish. 74 00:04:29:040 --> 00:04:31:880 What poker buddy of mine talks like that? 75 00:04:32:080 --> 00:04:35:160 But you, a couple of squirts of Paco Rabanne, you're good to go. 76 00:04:35:880 --> 00:04:38:040 Having a reasonable command of English... 77 00:04:38:240 --> 00:04:40:600 ...isn't the exclusive domain of the gay community. 78 00:04:40:760 --> 00:04:43:720 Listen to you. You're just making my point. 79 00:04:43:880 --> 00:04:46:400 Forget it. You're asking too much. 80 00:04:46:600 --> 00:04:48:720 Oh, really? 81 00:04:48:920 --> 00:04:53:520 Was it too much when you showed up on my doorstep, looking for a place? 82 00:04:53:720 --> 00:04:55:480 - Charlie. - Too much when I took in... 83 00:04:55:640 --> 00:04:58:480 ...your son on weekends and holidays? - This isn't fair. 84 00:04:58:760 --> 00:05:01:120 Too much when I set up a college fund for Jake? 85 00:05:01:360 --> 00:05:04:280 - You set up a college fund for Jake? - You bet I will. 86 00:05:05:160 --> 00:05:08:240 Unless, of course, my income were to suddenly decline. 87 00:05:08:480 --> 00:05:10:680 I can't believe you would sink so low. 88 00:05:10:880 --> 00:05:13:400 To actually use emotional and financial blackmail... 89 00:05:13:640 --> 00:05:15:000 - You're both in my will. - Really? 90 00:05:15:280 --> 00:05:16:680 First thing Monday. 91 00:05:19:160 --> 00:05:21:200 All right. But I want it on the record... 92 00:05:21:400 --> 00:05:23:440 ...I'm doing this under protest. - Noted. 93 00:05:23:680 --> 00:05:25:880 If we're gonna be a couple, I'm the husband. 94 00:05:26:640 --> 00:05:28:720 Well, who's gonna believe you're the husband? 95 00:05:29:000 --> 00:05:31:640 Of the two of us, I'm the only one who's been a husband. 96 00:05:31:840 --> 00:05:34:760 You really thought you were the husband in your marriage? 97 00:05:36:800 --> 00:05:42:320 Nevertheless, I'm going to be the husband in this one. 98 00:05:45:600 --> 00:05:47:520 Well, la-di-da. 99 00:05:50:640 --> 00:05:52:800 - Thanks for babysitting, Rose. - My pleasure. 100 00:05:53:040 --> 00:05:54:680 Where are you guys going? 101 00:05:54:880 --> 00:05:56:480 To a little party. 102 00:05:56:920 --> 00:05:59:520 And you're taking Alan instead of a date? 103 00:05:59:720 --> 00:06:02:320 Yeah, well, funny story about that. 104 00:06:02:680 --> 00:06:05:160 Okay, let's get this over with. 105 00:06:07:160 --> 00:06:08:800 You're wearing that? 106 00:06:09:000 --> 00:06:11:240 What's wrong with it? You liked it in the store. 107 00:06:11:480 --> 00:06:13:120 It looked different in the store. 108 00:06:14:520 --> 00:06:17:080 Well, it was on sale. I can't return it. 109 00:06:17:840 --> 00:06:20:880 - Dad, can we order pizza for dinner? - No. Eat something healthy. 110 00:06:21:120 --> 00:06:22:760 You want me to change, just tell me. 111 00:06:23:000 --> 00:06:24:600 - Don't change. - You don't like it. 112 00:06:24:840 --> 00:06:26:920 I didn't say that. 113 00:06:27:160 --> 00:06:28:800 I think you look very nice, Alan. 114 00:06:29:040 --> 00:06:31:920 Thank you. See? That's all I needed to hear. 115 00:06:32:160 --> 00:06:35:680 - Well, you heard it. Now, come on. - You know, I'm only doing this for you. 116 00:06:35:880 --> 00:06:38:040 - I know. - Could you show a little appreciation? 117 00:06:38:240 --> 00:06:40:480 How about I show you a little smack on the head? 118 00:06:40:680 --> 00:06:43:600 That's your answer for everything, isn't it? 119 00:06:44:560 --> 00:06:45:840 What is that about? 120 00:06:46:040 --> 00:06:49:600 I don't know, but one of them suffers from erectile dysfunction. 121 00:06:51:400 --> 00:06:53:680 Dad said we could order a pizza. 122 00:06:56:280 --> 00:07:00:720 Would you please not walk so far in front of me? I'm not your concubine. 123 00:07:00:920 --> 00:07:02:200 I'm sorry. 124 00:07:02:440 --> 00:07:04:480 What, are you ashamed of me? 125 00:07:05:560 --> 00:07:06:840 A little bit. 126 00:07:13:840 --> 00:07:16:720 Oh, boy. Charlie, we need to talk. 127 00:07:16:960 --> 00:07:19:360 For the last time, you look stunning. 128 00:07:19:640 --> 00:07:21:760 No, we... We need to get our stories straight. 129 00:07:21:960 --> 00:07:23:560 - What stories? - We're a couple. 130 00:07:23:800 --> 00:07:26:080 How long have we been together? How did we meet? 131 00:07:26:320 --> 00:07:29:720 Okay, fine. I met you in Thailand and bought you from a guy. 132 00:07:30:560 --> 00:07:34:160 I'm serious. If we're gonna pull this off, we need to be convincing. 133 00:07:34:360 --> 00:07:36:480 A favorite song? Cute names for each other? 134 00:07:36:680 --> 00:07:39:680 I mean, I don't even know if we're dog people or cat people. 135 00:07:39:920 --> 00:07:44:240 I forgot to tell you: The guy I bought you from had your vocal chords removed. 136 00:07:44:760 --> 00:07:49:440 - Charlie. I'm so glad you could make it. - Oh, please. How could I not? 137 00:07:49:680 --> 00:07:52:160 And you must be Alan. Welcome. 138 00:07:52:360 --> 00:07:54:320 I'm the husband. 139 00:07:54:920 --> 00:07:57:760 No, he's not. Stop saying that. 140 00:07:57:960 --> 00:08:01:480 Listen to you two ladies. Come on. I'll get you a drink. 141 00:08:01:680 --> 00:08:03:280 Appletinis. 142 00:08:03:560 --> 00:08:05:520 So how did you lovebirds meet? 143 00:08:11:040 --> 00:08:13:600 Funny you should ask. We were at the Coffee Bean... 144 00:08:13:840 --> 00:08:18:880 ...you know, the one in Larchmont Village, where the pastries are to die for. 145 00:08:19:120 --> 00:08:22:480 Anyway, we both ordered a soy latte... 146 00:08:22:680 --> 00:08:28:600 ...when the first one came up, we both reached for it, and our hands touched. 147 00:08:29:560 --> 00:08:31:680 Oh, that is so romantic. 148 00:08:31:920 --> 00:08:35:120 Yeah, it was one of those moments that seems to go on forever. 149 00:08:35:320 --> 00:08:36:880 Like this one. 150 00:08:37:120 --> 00:08:39:360 - Are you starting? - No. 151 00:08:39:600 --> 00:08:42:920 Because I swear to God, I will walk out that door and get in a cab. 152 00:08:44:720 --> 00:08:47:800 - I'm sorry. - I'm sorry, what? 153 00:08:48:200 --> 00:08:50:520 I'm sorry... 154 00:08:50:720 --> 00:08:52:600 ...pookie. 155 00:08:53:160 --> 00:08:54:640 Finish your story, Alan. 156 00:08:55:000 --> 00:08:58:520 Well, okay. So... So there we are... 157 00:08:58:760 --> 00:09:03:920 ...our hands are touching, and we look into each other's eyes... 158 00:09:04:120 --> 00:09:07:640 ...this one panics, spills coffee over one of his hideous bowling shirts. 159 00:09:07:880 --> 00:09:11:560 The only gay man in America who dresses like Ralph Kramden. 160 00:09:12:360 --> 00:09:14:280 To the moon, Alan. 161 00:09:14:520 --> 00:09:19:360 Anyhoo, so I took him back to my condo to "hand wash his shirt"... 162 00:09:19:520 --> 00:09:21:800 ...and, abracadabra, hocus-pocus, here we are. 163 00:09:22:040 --> 00:09:25:640 - That's a delicious story. - Yeah, isn't it yummy? 164 00:09:27:560 --> 00:09:34:280 Yeah, it kills me every time. 165 00:09:38:920 --> 00:09:41:600 There's someone you just have to meet. Don't go away. 166 00:09:41:760 --> 00:09:43:880 Okey-dokey, artichokey. 167 00:09:44:960 --> 00:09:48:280 You've gotta pull back a little. You're gonna set off the smoke alarm. 168 00:09:48:520 --> 00:09:51:000 - What do you mean? - I mean, if you flame any more... 169 00:09:51:200 --> 00:09:53:000 ...you'll light the drapes on fire. 170 00:09:53:240 --> 00:09:55:400 What about you? "Okey-dokey, artichokey"? 171 00:09:55:600 --> 00:09:58:080 What are you, the Jolly Gay Giant? 172 00:09:58:320 --> 00:10:02:440 I want you both to meet someone very special to me. Charlie, Alan... 173 00:10:02:640 --> 00:10:05:880 ...this is my very patient and very forgiving ex-wife, Pamela. 174 00:10:06:120 --> 00:10:08:080 - Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you. 175 00:10:08:280 --> 00:10:10:360 Hi. Wow, you were married? 176 00:10:10:600 --> 00:10:12:880 It was before I'd gotten a grip on my sexuality. 177 00:10:13:120 --> 00:10:15:680 But not before you got a grip on my cousin Walt. 178 00:10:17:480 --> 00:10:19:600 Well, I can see why you gave marriage a shot. 179 00:10:19:800 --> 00:10:22:360 Pamela, you are a breathtakingly beautiful woman. 180 00:10:22:600 --> 00:10:24:320 Why, thank you, Charlie. 181 00:10:24:480 --> 00:10:27:720 Why do all the cute ones have to be married or gay? 182 00:10:27:920 --> 00:10:31:280 Back off, sister. I caught this fish. 183 00:10:37:240 --> 00:10:42:120 - Gonna tell me what's bothering you? - Lf you don't know, no point discussing. 184 00:10:42:360 --> 00:10:43:840 Fine. 185 00:10:45:400 --> 00:10:47:040 You ignored me the whole night. 186 00:10:48:920 --> 00:10:51:640 A party where I don't know anyone, and you abandoned me. 187 00:10:51:880 --> 00:10:54:400 Alan, listen closely. 188 00:10:54:640 --> 00:10:57:280 It wasn't a real date. 189 00:10:58:400 --> 00:11:00:760 Not the point. I was stuck playing truth or dare... 190 00:11:01:000 --> 00:11:04:000 ...with your friend Eric and nine producers from Will & Grace... 191 00:11:04:200 --> 00:11:07:200 ...while you had a wonderful time talking to his hot ex-wife. 192 00:11:07:440 --> 00:11:09:480 - I was just being polite. - Oh, please. 193 00:11:09:640 --> 00:11:13:160 - I saw the way you were looking at her. - What, I can't look? 194 00:11:13:440 --> 00:11:15:680 Not when you're supposed to be with me. 195 00:11:15:880 --> 00:11:17:960 How many appletinis did you drink tonight? 196 00:11:18:200 --> 00:11:21:400 Never you mind about that. So... So, what are you gonna do? 197 00:11:21:600 --> 00:11:25:040 Out yourself as a straight man so you can sleep with your little Pamela? 198 00:11:25:280 --> 00:11:28:560 No, no. That would mess everything up with Eric. 199 00:11:29:360 --> 00:11:31:600 Unless I convince him... 200 00:11:31:800 --> 00:11:34:880 ...that she temporarily flipped me back to the home team. 201 00:11:35:120 --> 00:11:37:280 Oh, if you're gonna go, just go. 202 00:11:37:520 --> 00:11:40:600 Alan, eat something. Toast, a waffle. Anything absorbent. 203 00:11:40:840 --> 00:11:42:760 Don't blame this on the liquor. 204 00:11:43:680 --> 00:11:45:960 Okay, here's what I can do. 205 00:11:46:160 --> 00:11:48:120 She and I are going shopping tomorrow. 206 00:11:48:320 --> 00:11:51:160 I'll tell her I'm bisexual, and then make my move. 207 00:11:51:400 --> 00:11:53:080 So you're gonna cheat on me? 208 00:11:53:320 --> 00:11:54:760 No, that's not cheating. 209 00:11:55:000 --> 00:11:58:760 - How do you figure? - Because we're not really gay. 210 00:11:59:320 --> 00:12:02:200 Then how can you be bi? 211 00:12:04:800 --> 00:12:06:560 Shut up. 212 00:12:11:240 --> 00:12:13:640 Okay, well, good night. 213 00:12:13:920 --> 00:12:18:000 - Aren't you gonna ask? - No. Jake told me. 214 00:12:23:160 --> 00:12:25:320 Oh, this is a cute top. 215 00:12:25:560 --> 00:12:28:560 I'm more a bottom man myself. 216 00:12:28:760 --> 00:12:31:240 I'll bet you are. 217 00:12:34:400 --> 00:12:36:000 - Too slutty? - Haven't you heard? 218 00:12:36:200 --> 00:12:38:280 Slutty is the new black. 219 00:12:38:480 --> 00:12:40:680 Oh, you. 220 00:12:41:400 --> 00:12:46:400 Is there some special, young vagina enthusiast you'll be taking that off for? 221 00:12:46:640 --> 00:12:49:520 I wish. Can you keep a little secret? 222 00:12:49:760 --> 00:12:51:800 I'm keeping a big one right now. 223 00:12:52:040 --> 00:12:54:560 I haven't been with a man in almost a year. 224 00:12:54:840 --> 00:12:57:480 Oh, no. Color me sympathetic. 225 00:12:57:760 --> 00:13:00:920 I don't miss dating. That's lies and pretense. I do miss the sex. 226 00:13:01:160 --> 00:13:06:200 Really? Well, what, specifically, do you miss? And tell me slowly. 227 00:13:07:160 --> 00:13:11:120 The feel of a man's hot breath on the back of my neck. 228 00:13:11:360 --> 00:13:15:120 His rough hands pulling me to him and just taking me. 229 00:13:15:320 --> 00:13:17:760 Of course, I don't need to tell you. 230 00:13:18:840 --> 00:13:21:600 No, but I'm so glad you did. 231 00:13:21:840 --> 00:13:25:440 Isn't it funny that I can only be this honest with a gay man? 232 00:13:25:640 --> 00:13:27:560 Yeah, it's a riot. 233 00:13:28:040 --> 00:13:32:000 Straight men only want one thing, and they'll tell any number of lies to get it. 234 00:13:32:280 --> 00:13:35:160 - The dogs. - Straight women are so competitive... 235 00:13:35:400 --> 00:13:37:480 ...they'll use anything you say against you. 236 00:13:37:720 --> 00:13:39:640 The bitches. 237 00:13:39:880 --> 00:13:43:240 Gay women only want one thing, and they'll lie worse than straight men. 238 00:13:43:480 --> 00:13:45:480 Strange, because they've already got it. 239 00:13:45:720 --> 00:13:48:320 Oh, you, come here. 240 00:13:48:520 --> 00:13:53:160 Oh, that's the other thing about gay men. You're so hilarious. 241 00:13:53:360 --> 00:13:56:160 Yeah, we're like clowns who smell nice. 242 00:13:58:480 --> 00:14:00:440 You know, these are pretty. 243 00:14:03:720 --> 00:14:07:520 It's pretty sheer. Eric hated it when he could see my nipples. That a gay thing? 244 00:14:07:920 --> 00:14:12:400 Well, I can't speak for the community, but I myself am nutty for nipples. 245 00:14:12:640 --> 00:14:14:280 Let's try it on. 246 00:14:14:480 --> 00:14:16:000 Okey-dokey, artichokey. 247 00:14:17:760 --> 00:14:19:800 All right. Hold this. 248 00:14:20:000 --> 00:14:21:720 Okay. 249 00:14:21:920 --> 00:14:24:000 What do you think? With or without the bra? 250 00:14:25:120 --> 00:14:27:400 I don't know. You're the one with nipple issues. 251 00:14:27:680 --> 00:14:30:320 All right, then. Without. 252 00:14:30:800 --> 00:14:33:240 Yes. Definitely without. 253 00:14:33:840 --> 00:14:35:280 Am I starting to sag? 254 00:14:36:840 --> 00:14:39:080 What... I'm sorry, were you talking to me? 255 00:14:39:320 --> 00:14:40:920 Am I hanging a bit low? 256 00:14:41:200 --> 00:14:44:680 I don't know. Go like this: 257 00:14:45:360 --> 00:14:48:320 - Now go like this: - Stop it. Give me the blouse. 258 00:14:50:240 --> 00:14:51:800 I am a woman, Charles. 259 00:14:52:000 --> 00:14:54:000 - Wanna see my nipples? - No. 260 00:14:54:240 --> 00:14:56:040 Why not? You made me look at yours. 261 00:14:56:240 --> 00:14:59:600 God, you are so frisky. How does Alan ever put up with you? 262 00:14:59:840 --> 00:15:02:080 How does his mother put up with him? 263 00:15:02:320 --> 00:15:03:760 Oh, boy. 264 00:15:04:000 --> 00:15:08:400 Charles, didn't I ask you to confine your debauchery to outlet stores? 265 00:15:08:640 --> 00:15:12:280 Pamela, this is my mother, Evelyn. Mom, this is Pamela. 266 00:15:12:520 --> 00:15:16:320 - Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you. Your son is adorable. 267 00:15:16:520 --> 00:15:19:440 That seems to be the conventional wisdom. 268 00:15:19:640 --> 00:15:23:360 I met him and his partner last night, but we immediately hit it off. 269 00:15:23:560 --> 00:15:26:400 - I'm sorry. His partner? - Alan, his lover. 270 00:15:26:640 --> 00:15:28:360 His lover? 271 00:15:29:080 --> 00:15:30:960 God, I'm not outing you, am I? 272 00:15:31:160 --> 00:15:35:240 Oh, no, no, no. Mom knows all about me and Alan. Right, Mom? 273 00:15:36:280 --> 00:15:41:000 Of course. Alan's almost like a son to me. 274 00:15:41:240 --> 00:15:45:640 My ex's parents were not supportive when he came out of the closet. 275 00:15:45:880 --> 00:15:48:800 Oh, what a shame. What does he do? 276 00:15:49:080 --> 00:15:51:560 He's in advertising. Charlie writes jingles for him. 277 00:15:51:800 --> 00:15:56:800 Oh, I see. One hand moisturizes the other. 278 00:15:59:360 --> 00:16:02:360 No, the only time Charlie was ever in the closet... 279 00:16:02:600 --> 00:16:05:920 ...was when he was a little boy trying on my hats and underwear... 280 00:16:06:120 --> 00:16:09:280 ...belting out the entire score of Hello, Dolly! 281 00:16:09:520 --> 00:16:12:200 It was Mame, Mom. 282 00:16:12:400 --> 00:16:16:440 In fact, if anything, his lifestyle has brought us even closer. 283 00:16:16:640 --> 00:16:19:160 We cook together, we shop together... 284 00:16:19:400 --> 00:16:23:480 ...we go to all kinds of parties and charity events together. 285 00:16:23:720 --> 00:16:28:240 Come to think of it, I have entered us in an Alzheimer's walkathon this Sunday. 286 00:16:28:440 --> 00:16:30:000 Sunday isn't really good for me. 287 00:16:30:200 --> 00:16:31:880 But you will be there anyway... 288 00:16:32:080 --> 00:16:38:560 ...because we support each other in all our little causes, and you love me. Right? 289 00:16:39:840 --> 00:16:41:400 Right. 290 00:16:41:880 --> 00:16:43:560 Say it. 291 00:16:47:080 --> 00:16:48:720 I love you, Mom. 292 00:16:48:960 --> 00:16:51:320 And I love you too. 293 00:16:51:520 --> 00:16:53:160 Eight a.m. Sunday. 294 00:16:53:360 --> 00:16:58:040 I'll buy us matching tracksuits. It'll be cute. 295 00:16:59:640 --> 00:17:02:360 - Lovely to meet you, Pamela. - Bye. 296 00:17:02:720 --> 00:17:06:800 If I didn't know you were gay, meeting your mother would've convinced me. 297 00:17:07:000 --> 00:17:10:040 Okay, that's it. I can't do this anymore. 298 00:17:10:240 --> 00:17:13:200 You can't stop shopping. I've gotta find you something slutty. 299 00:17:13:440 --> 00:17:15:800 I've already got something slutty in my pants. 300 00:17:16:040 --> 00:17:18:280 - You're terrible. - Pamela, listen to me. 301 00:17:18:520 --> 00:17:23:760 I'm not gay. I am completely, 100 percent, militantly heterosexual... 302 00:17:24:000 --> 00:17:28:160 ...and I find you incredibly attractive. - Okay. I understand. 303 00:17:28:400 --> 00:17:31:880 - You do? - Of course. I went through this with Eric. 304 00:17:32:080 --> 00:17:35:160 He wanted badly to be straight, and he suffered so much before... 305 00:17:35:360 --> 00:17:38:080 ...he was able to finally accept himself for who he is. 306 00:17:38:320 --> 00:17:42:160 Oh, no. I accept myself for who I am. I am a lying horndog. 307 00:17:42:360 --> 00:17:45:280 - Charlie. - Lf I were a straight man... 308 00:17:45:480 --> 00:17:48:160 ...would you find me attractive? - That's hypothetical. 309 00:17:48:320 --> 00:17:50:760 Play along. Humor me. If I were straight... 310 00:17:51:000 --> 00:17:52:640 I'd do you in a heartbeat. 311 00:17:52:880 --> 00:17:55:000 Oh, good. Come with me. 312 00:17:55:200 --> 00:17:57:920 Charlie, don't do this. You don't have to prove anything. 313 00:17:58:160 --> 00:18:00:120 Oh, but I do. 314 00:18:01:840 --> 00:18:03:760 Now, come here. 315 00:18:05:160 --> 00:18:07:520 You don't have to be straight to be a good kisser. 316 00:18:07:680 --> 00:18:11:040 I know, I know. Just wait. 317 00:18:14:480 --> 00:18:16:320 Well...? 318 00:18:17:560 --> 00:18:20:880 Give me a minute. I'm under some pressure here. I just saw my mother. 319 00:18:21:080 --> 00:18:23:240 Would it help if you thought of Alan? 320 00:18:23:400 --> 00:18:28:360 Oh, great. Why don't you just roll up a newspaper and hit it? 321 00:18:28:560 --> 00:18:30:480 Charlie, sweetheart, it's okay. 322 00:18:30:680 --> 00:18:33:360 No, it's not. I am a straight man. 323 00:18:33:520 --> 00:18:37:160 I've always been a straight man, and I'll always be a straight man. 324 00:18:37:360 --> 00:18:41:680 Well, you'll forgive me, darling, but you seem to have a gay man's penis. 325 00:18:42:960 --> 00:18:45:120 Come on, let's go look at shoes. 326 00:18:46:160 --> 00:18:50:320 It's a straight man's penis. It's just having a bad day. 327 00:18:53:400 --> 00:18:55:520 - Hey. - Oh, I thought you'd never come home. 328 00:18:55:720 --> 00:18:57:360 - We have to talk. - Not now. 329 00:18:57:560 --> 00:18:59:560 I need to drink beer, scratch my ass... 330 00:18:59:760 --> 00:19:02:760 ...and watch a whole bunch of girl-on-girl porn. 331 00:19:04:560 --> 00:19:07:800 - Hello, Charlie. - Eric. What are you doing here? 332 00:19:09:760 --> 00:19:13:280 I came over to talk to you about a new account, and you weren't here, so... 333 00:19:13:520 --> 00:19:15:680 So he invited me to Big Sur for the weekend. 334 00:19:17:600 --> 00:19:18:960 It's not what it sounds like. 335 00:19:19:200 --> 00:19:23:760 Yes, it is. He looked into my eyes, told me I had a tight little breadbasket. 336 00:19:24:360 --> 00:19:25:800 No. 337 00:19:26:000 --> 00:19:29:760 Look, the other night at the party, there was a lot of friction between you... 338 00:19:29:960 --> 00:19:32:560 ...and I'm really sorry. 339 00:19:32:800 --> 00:19:36:600 Yeah, I'll bet you're really sorry. 340 00:19:38:120 --> 00:19:40:200 How do you expect me to keep working for you? 341 00:19:40:440 --> 00:19:42:720 Gosh, I hope you will. I'll make it up to you. 342 00:19:43:000 --> 00:19:46:560 How? How could you possibly make up for this incredible betrayal? 343 00:19:46:800 --> 00:19:49:800 - I'll get you more money. - Done. Get out. 344 00:19:50:640 --> 00:19:52:520 Bye, Alan. 345 00:19:53:760 --> 00:19:55:120 Thanks for the sweater. 346 00:19:57:080 --> 00:20:01:800 - He gave you a sweater? - Cashmere. Very stylish. And thank you. 347 00:20:02:000 --> 00:20:05:960 - For what? I didn't get you anything. - You stood up for our relationship. 348 00:20:06:160 --> 00:20:10:520 What relationship? Alan, we're not gay. 349 00:20:11:120 --> 00:20:14:640 No, but if we were, you wouldn't let anybody steal me away. 350 00:20:14:800 --> 00:20:16:880 And I think that's sweet. 351 00:20:17:920 --> 00:20:20:000 You need to stop this. 352 00:20:20:200 --> 00:20:23:320 I was just trying to get more money out of him, and that's all. 353 00:20:23:600 --> 00:20:26:920 Whatever you say. Pookie. 354 00:20:29:560 --> 00:20:31:560 Is the breadbasket the front or the back? 355 00:20:31:760 --> 00:20:35:920 - The back. - Oh, good. It wasn't just a line. 356 00:20:40:760 --> 00:20:42:800 Pick it up, Charlie. We're lagging. 357 00:20:43:000 --> 00:20:45:760 Gimme a break. I haven't even been to bed yet. 358 00:20:45:960 --> 00:20:49:160 Well, perhaps it's time for you to reexamine your club-hopping... 359 00:20:49:360 --> 00:20:52:520 ...popper-sniffing, disco lifestyle. 360 00:20:52:760 --> 00:20:54:920 I explained about that. 361 00:20:55:120 --> 00:20:59:720 It doesn't matter, darling. You're here, you're queer. I'm used to it. 362 00:21:23:760 --> 00:21:25:800 Subtitles by SDI Media Group 363 00:21:26:000 --> 00:21:28:040 [ENGLISH] 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net 30343