Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02:640 --> 00:00:05:160 Well, this is gonna be a sucky weekend. 2 00:00:05:440 --> 00:00:09:720 Try spending it with an 11 -year-old who does nothing but complain. 3 00:00:10:280 --> 00:00:12:080 You mean me? 4 00:00:12:280 --> 00:00:15:440 Boy, no wonder they got to write your name in your underwear. 5 00:00:16:760 --> 00:00:19:000 What am I supposed to do? 6 00:00:19:240 --> 00:00:21:400 - Watch TV. - There's nothing on. 7 00:00:21:600 --> 00:00:23:760 - Play a video game. - I've played them all. 8 00:00:23:960 --> 00:00:25:880 - Read a book. - Yeah, right. 9 00:00:26:080 --> 00:00:27:800 Who's the moron now? 10 00:00:29:280 --> 00:00:32:600 Okay. Here's a rainy day activity. 11 00:00:32:840 --> 00:00:36:000 There are 12 college basketball games on this weekend. 12 00:00:36:200 --> 00:00:38:280 Dial this number, and ask for Coop. 13 00:00:38:520 --> 00:00:42:480 Tell him you're calling for Mr. Bojingles and write down everything he tells you. 14 00:00:42:720 --> 00:00:44:520 Do I get to make some picks this time? 15 00:00:44:760 --> 00:00:47:800 - You got money? - Lf you pay me what you owe me. 16 00:00:48:040 --> 00:00:51:080 Well, you're getting an education here. That's priceless. 17 00:00:52:680 --> 00:00:55:880 - What's going on? - Just talking about picking colleges. 18 00:00:56:160 --> 00:00:58:560 - I like Duke. - Over Wake Forest? 19 00:00:58:800 --> 00:01:00:480 Got a hunch. 20 00:01:01:320 --> 00:01:03:160 You've got him thinking about college? 21 00:01:03:400 --> 00:01:07:040 You're welcome. So how'd it go at the doctor? 22 00:01:08:000 --> 00:01:09:960 Sit down, I have to tell you something. 23 00:01:10:120 --> 00:01:11:680 What? 24 00:01:14:440 --> 00:01:16:320 The doctor wants me to have a procedure. 25 00:01:16:880 --> 00:01:18:960 - What kind of procedure? - He says I'm fine... 26 00:01:19:120 --> 00:01:22:320 ...and it's routine, but I'm really freaked out about it. 27 00:01:22:600 --> 00:01:24:120 What procedure? 28 00:01:24:800 --> 00:01:26:240 A colonoscopy. 29 00:01:26:480 --> 00:01:29:160 Oh, jeez, Alan, that's no big deal. 30 00:01:29:360 --> 00:01:32:120 They're just gonna shove a camera up your ass. 31 00:01:34:000 --> 00:01:36:880 Okay, in all future references to this procedure... 32 00:01:37:080 --> 00:01:41:920 ...can we please use the word "glide" or "slide"... 33 00:01:42:120 --> 00:01:44:400 ...as opposed to "shove." 34 00:01:44:640 --> 00:01:47:520 Don't sweat it. Every guy eventually has to get one of those. 35 00:01:47:720 --> 00:01:50:400 - It's strictly a fact-finding mission. - You've had one? 36 00:01:50:640 --> 00:01:51:960 No, you crazy? 37 00:01:52:200 --> 00:01:55:480 But I hear there's nothing to worry about. It's a tiny little camera. 38 00:01:55:680 --> 00:01:58:360 In the old days, they'd send a sketch artist up there. 39 00:02:00:480 --> 00:02:02:240 Besides, you're unconscious. 40 00:02:02:480 --> 00:02:06:280 That's what I'm worried about. I'll be in a very vulnerable position. 41 00:02:06:480 --> 00:02:09:920 - They could do anything. - Alan, it's not a pirate ship. 42 00:02:11:440 --> 00:02:13:760 Just relax. It'll be over before you know it. 43 00:02:13:960 --> 00:02:17:040 Yeah. I'll bet that's what they say on pirate ships. 44 00:02:49:600 --> 00:02:51:000 - Damn it. - What? 45 00:02:51:200 --> 00:02:52:760 The sink's stopped up again. 46 00:02:52:960 --> 00:02:56:280 That kid doesn't know the difference between the garbage and the drain. 47 00:02:57:000 --> 00:02:59:760 - What do you want? He's 11. - That's no excuse. 48 00:03:00:000 --> 00:03:03:680 If he can't tell which hole is which at his age, he's headed for trouble. 49 00:03:25:520 --> 00:03:27:200 How about that? 50 00:03:27:840 --> 00:03:30:240 Oh, God, I had the worst nightmares. 51 00:03:30:440 --> 00:03:32:080 Pirate ships? 52 00:03:32:280 --> 00:03:34:080 Full-service gas stations. 53 00:03:34:920 --> 00:03:36:560 I fail to see the connection. 54 00:03:37:120 --> 00:03:40:680 Cold steel nozzles going into openings. 55 00:03:42:120 --> 00:03:44:360 Dipsticks being pulled out. 56 00:03:46:000 --> 00:03:47:600 Do I have to draw you a picture? 57 00:03:48:160 --> 00:03:49:440 You know what? 58 00:03:49:680 --> 00:03:51:920 You need to get your mind off this colonoscopy. 59 00:03:52:160 --> 00:03:55:480 Come on! Get in there, you sucker! 60 00:04:02:800 --> 00:04:05:040 Easy for you to say. 61 00:04:05:760 --> 00:04:07:040 How about this? 62 00:04:07:240 --> 00:04:10:320 How about we hop in the car and go to Vegas for a couple of days? 63 00:04:10:880 --> 00:04:12:360 Just like that? What about Jake? 64 00:04:12:600 --> 00:04:14:800 Oh, yeah, Jake. 65 00:04:15:040 --> 00:04:18:320 Okay, how about this, we get him a fake mustache and a hat... 66 00:04:18:520 --> 00:04:20:960 ...and tell everybody his mother was a heavy smoker. 67 00:04:22:040 --> 00:04:24:120 - I don't think so. - We can still bring him... 68 00:04:24:320 --> 00:04:27:120 ...come on, it's the perfect solution. The kid's bored... 69 00:04:27:320 --> 00:04:30:080 ...and you're all puckered up over this colonoscopy thing. 70 00:04:30:320 --> 00:04:34:600 It just won't go in. 71 00:04:37:800 --> 00:04:40:680 - Well, it is a three-day weekend. - Exactly. 72 00:04:40:880 --> 00:04:44:720 And I got 2 grand in my pocket that's itching to turn into $ 12 and a hangover. 73 00:04:45:640 --> 00:04:48:120 Come on, we can be there in like four hours. 74 00:04:48:320 --> 00:04:50:680 Unless you drive, in which case I'm not going. 75 00:04:50:920 --> 00:04:52:520 Perfect, now I can't get it out. 76 00:04:55:800 --> 00:04:57:880 You know what? Why not? One way or another... 77 00:04:58:080 --> 00:05:01:000 ...I'm gonna get reamed. I might as well enjoy a free buffet. 78 00:05:01:240 --> 00:05:04:080 Great. Go grab a toothbrush and we'll hit the road. 79 00:05:11:400 --> 00:05:13:360 Pinky? Berta. 80 00:05:13:560 --> 00:05:17:720 Order a keg and call the gang, I got the house until Tuesday. 81 00:05:18:240 --> 00:05:19:800 Okay, we're gonna need two rooms. 82 00:05:20:000 --> 00:05:21:880 One for Alan Harper and son... 83 00:05:22:080 --> 00:05:26:120 ...and one for Charlie Harper and a cocktail waitress to be named later. 84 00:05:27:800 --> 00:05:29:520 No, I don't want connecting rooms. 85 00:05:29:720 --> 00:05:31:760 Weren't you listening? 86 00:05:32:000 --> 00:05:34:760 In fact, put mine on a different floor. 87 00:05:34:960 --> 00:05:36:920 Come on, let's go. 88 00:05:37:160 --> 00:05:39:640 Now, what's playing in your showroom? 89 00:05:39:880 --> 00:05:42:760 Nude Legends on Ice. Sweet. 90 00:05:43:040 --> 00:05:45:080 Okay, this may sound like a dumb question... 91 00:05:45:280 --> 00:05:47:320 ...but is it a family show? 92 00:05:49:400 --> 00:05:52:560 Well, what if the kid had a mustache? 93 00:05:53:880 --> 00:05:57:680 All right. He'll just have to stay in the room and watch scrambled porn. 94 00:06:00:400 --> 00:06:03:640 - You could help me, you know. - No, you're doing okay. 95 00:06:05:360 --> 00:06:08:400 - Where's your clean underwear? - I'm wearing it. 96 00:06:09:080 --> 00:06:12:200 - That's all you brought for the weekend? - It's only three days. 97 00:06:12:880 --> 00:06:14:800 All right, we'll pick some up there. 98 00:06:15:040 --> 00:06:17:360 They'd last five days if I turn them inside out. 99 00:06:21:920 --> 00:06:23:560 What's going on? Aren't you ready? 100 00:06:23:760 --> 00:06:26:280 - I'm packing Jake. - For what, college? 101 00:06:27:720 --> 00:06:29:960 - What the hell's this? - So he can go swimming. 102 00:06:30:200 --> 00:06:33:680 - Where? - They have pools in Vegas, Charlie. 103 00:06:34:600 --> 00:06:38:200 Why don't you bring a frying pan, they got kitchens too. 104 00:06:38:440 --> 00:06:41:760 - Let's see. Sport jacket. - He doesn't need a sport jacket. 105 00:06:41:960 --> 00:06:43:880 What if we take him someplace nice? 106 00:06:44:080 --> 00:06:45:560 Take him someplace nice? 107 00:06:45:800 --> 00:06:48:920 Alan, if I wanna throw away money, I'll play keno. 108 00:06:49:600 --> 00:06:52:080 - Can I gamble in Vegas? - No. 109 00:06:52:320 --> 00:06:54:880 - Why am I going? - Because all the kennels are full. 110 00:06:57:360 --> 00:06:59:000 Now, come on. Let's go. 111 00:06:59:240 --> 00:07:03:080 - Charlie, I haven't packed myself yet. - What've you been doing? 112 00:07:03:360 --> 00:07:04:880 I changed the phone message... 113 00:07:05:080 --> 00:07:08:480 ...to tell people we'd be out of town, I put together a first aid kit... 114 00:07:08:720 --> 00:07:12:400 ...I turned the fridge thermostat down, because it doesn't have to be cold... 115 00:07:12:640 --> 00:07:15:200 ...I called the paper and stopped delivery... 116 00:07:15:400 --> 00:07:17:280 ...and I erased an old Mad Libs book... 117 00:07:17:480 --> 00:07:20:000 ...so we'd have something to entertain us in the car. 118 00:07:21:280 --> 00:07:22:480 - Mad Libs, huh? - Yeah. 119 00:07:22:680 --> 00:07:24:080 Let me see that. 120 00:07:24:280 --> 00:07:27:080 Go get packed! 121 00:07:31:720 --> 00:07:33:400 Wait until you see Vegas, Jake. 122 00:07:33:600 --> 00:07:37:760 There's action everywhere you look, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. 123 00:07:38:000 --> 00:07:39:480 How does that help me? 124 00:07:39:680 --> 00:07:42:640 I can't gamble, and I have to be in bed at 9:30. 125 00:07:42:840 --> 00:07:45:560 Hey, when we go to Disneyland do I complain that I hate... 126 00:07:45:800 --> 00:07:49:760 ...every aspect of the entire experience? - Yeah. 127 00:07:52:560 --> 00:07:54:960 Well, then you know how irritating it is. 128 00:07:56:600 --> 00:07:58:480 - Blackjack. - That's it? 129 00:07:58:720 --> 00:08:00:440 Yep. You owe me another dollar. 130 00:08:01:680 --> 00:08:03:760 - This stinks. - You wanna quit? 131 00:08:04:000 --> 00:08:05:800 Just deal the cards. 132 00:08:06:040 --> 00:08:08:680 Attaboy. 133 00:08:09:400 --> 00:08:11:160 Uncle Charlie, what's a colonoscopy? 134 00:08:12:280 --> 00:08:14:920 - Didn't your dad tell you? - He said it was just a test... 135 00:08:15:120 --> 00:08:17:400 ...and it was no big deal, so I looked it up. 136 00:08:18:000 --> 00:08:21:400 - And? - I don't believe it. 137 00:08:22:040 --> 00:08:24:080 Believe it. 138 00:08:24:600 --> 00:08:27:760 Wouldn't it be easier to go in the other way? 139 00:08:29:960 --> 00:08:33:280 - You'd think, but no. - Why do they have to do it? 140 00:08:33:520 --> 00:08:37:720 - They just wanna see what's going on. - Did Dad lose something? 141 00:08:39:920 --> 00:08:44:400 Because when I swallowed 35 cents, we just waited for it to come out. 142 00:08:45:280 --> 00:08:49:320 - No kidding. - Yeah, but I only got 30 cents back. 143 00:08:51:040 --> 00:08:53:360 Well, the house always takes a cut. 144 00:08:56:160 --> 00:08:58:840 - What're you gonna do? - Hit me. 145 00:08:59:040 --> 00:09:01:200 Okay, okay. In Vegas, you don't say, "Hit me." 146 00:09:01:400 --> 00:09:03:280 If you want a card, you go like this. 147 00:09:03:520 --> 00:09:05:160 Okay, fine. 148 00:09:08:280 --> 00:09:12:120 - Busted. You owe me another dollar. - What if I didn't want another card? 149 00:09:12:720 --> 00:09:14:280 You go like this. 150 00:09:14:920 --> 00:09:16:880 That's what I meant to do. 151 00:09:18:400 --> 00:09:20:960 There's no do-overs in Vegas. 152 00:09:21:200 --> 00:09:23:440 What's the signal to go to the bathroom? 153 00:09:23:680 --> 00:09:25:960 There is no signal, you just get up and go. 154 00:09:26:200 --> 00:09:29:640 Unless you're on a hot streak, in which case you sit and wet yourself. 155 00:09:29:880 --> 00:09:33:320 - You're kidding, right? - You're wearing a $50 pair of slacks... 156 00:09:33:560 --> 00:09:36:000 ...and you got $600 on the table, do the math. 157 00:09:36:800 --> 00:09:40:080 I have to do math and pee my pants? 158 00:09:44:280 --> 00:09:45:520 Alan, are you ready yet? 159 00:09:45:760 --> 00:09:47:040 Just about. 160 00:09:47:320 --> 00:09:51:360 - And where'd I get the $600? - You've been saying that for 20 minutes. 161 00:09:51:600 --> 00:09:54:800 - What are you doing? - Financial planning. 162 00:09:56:400 --> 00:09:58:680 I don't wanna look, but I gotta. 163 00:10:00:480 --> 00:10:03:680 In class, if we have to go the bathroom, we do this or this. 164 00:10:03:880 --> 00:10:07:320 - Get it? - Yeah. I got it. 165 00:10:09:480 --> 00:10:12:840 Two hundred and eighty, 280, 280. 166 00:10:13:040 --> 00:10:16:080 - What the hell are you doing? - Hang on. Two... Oh, thanks. 167 00:10:16:280 --> 00:10:18:520 Now you made me lose count. 168 00:10:19:480 --> 00:10:22:680 Ten, 10, 10. Twenty, 20, 20. 169 00:10:22:880 --> 00:10:25:440 Stop it, stop it. Why are you doing this? 170 00:10:26:040 --> 00:10:29:080 - I have a system. - Do tell. 171 00:10:29:320 --> 00:10:32:320 I divide my gambling money into three equal piles. 172 00:10:32:560 --> 00:10:34:360 The first one is for day one. 173 00:10:34:520 --> 00:10:36:120 That I'll put in my money belt. 174 00:10:36:720 --> 00:10:38:960 You're wearing a money belt? 175 00:10:39:120 --> 00:10:40:800 Oh, good, you can't tell. 176 00:10:41:000 --> 00:10:42:680 I was afraid it made me look chunky. 177 00:10:44:480 --> 00:10:48:280 Anyway, the second pile is for day two. I'll give that to you... 178 00:10:48:480 --> 00:10:51:760 ...under no circumstances do you give it back to me before midnight... 179 00:10:52:000 --> 00:10:53:880 ...which would be the start of day two. 180 00:10:54:160 --> 00:10:57:840 Un-freaking-believable. What's the last pile for? 181 00:10:58:680 --> 00:11:00:400 That's the most important pile. 182 00:11:00:600 --> 00:11:04:880 That's the money I hide in my Frye boot. 183 00:11:05:560 --> 00:11:10:160 - In your boot? - But I pretend that I don't have it... 184 00:11:10:320 --> 00:11:13:520 ...so that if disaster strikes and I've lost piles one and two... 185 00:11:13:720 --> 00:11:17:800 ...then I can pull it out, and poof, I'm solvent again. 186 00:11:19:080 --> 00:11:21:600 - Okay. I think I understand. - Pretty clever, huh? 187 00:11:21:840 --> 00:11:23:160 Yeah. That's a nice boot. 188 00:11:23:360 --> 00:11:25:200 - Let me see it. - Oh, sure. 189 00:11:25:400 --> 00:11:28:720 Get dressed and let's go! 190 00:11:44:240 --> 00:11:46:040 Okay. 191 00:11:46:920 --> 00:11:50:080 - Twenty-one! - Turn over your hole card. 192 00:11:51:520 --> 00:11:53:400 Oh, 27. 193 00:11:53:640 --> 00:11:56:080 Close, 29. 194 00:11:56:840 --> 00:11:58:360 Okay, I'm good. 195 00:11:59:000 --> 00:12:01:360 Alrighty. 196 00:12:10:560 --> 00:12:13:040 Viva Las Vegas. 197 00:12:14:080 --> 00:12:16:280 - Oh, Alan. - What? 198 00:12:16:560 --> 00:12:19:000 We're going in a Mercedes, not a time machine. 199 00:12:21:680 --> 00:12:23:160 Should I change? 200 00:12:23:960 --> 00:12:26:680 You should, but after all these years, I doubt you will. 201 00:12:30:760 --> 00:12:34:320 - What's this? - Oh, toiletries, sundries, whatnot. 202 00:12:34:560 --> 00:12:36:920 - Really. - Yeah, you'll thank me. 203 00:12:37:120 --> 00:12:39:440 Not all hotels supply shower caps and sewing kits. 204 00:12:41:960 --> 00:12:44:040 Get in the car. Jake, come on. 205 00:12:44:240 --> 00:12:48:360 - Hold on a second. - Oh, for God's sake. Now what? 206 00:12:53:360 --> 00:12:55:240 Okay, let's go. 207 00:13:01:760 --> 00:13:05:560 - Well, you don't have a fever. - I told you, he's fine. Let's go. 208 00:13:05:760 --> 00:13:09:000 Charlie, he threw up in your umbrella stand. Did you miss that? 209 00:13:09:240 --> 00:13:11:920 So? Vegas is full of people who throw up. 210 00:13:13:760 --> 00:13:16:560 They built that city on a sea of vomit. 211 00:13:17:320 --> 00:13:19:960 - I'm okay, I can go. - That's the spirit. 212 00:13:20:200 --> 00:13:24:280 You wanna drive five hours with a puking kid in the back of your Mercedes? 213 00:13:24:520 --> 00:13:28:000 He can stick his head out the window. Let the guy behind us worry. 214 00:13:29:400 --> 00:13:31:200 - We're not going. - Oh, come on. 215 00:13:31:400 --> 00:13:33:680 - It's probably just something he ate. - All right. 216 00:13:33:920 --> 00:13:35:760 What have you eaten in the last 24 hours? 217 00:13:36:000 --> 00:13:38:480 Well, let's see, two bowls of Cocoa Puffs... 218 00:13:38:680 --> 00:13:42:640 ...a couple blueberry Pop-Tarts, bag of string cheese. 219 00:13:42:840 --> 00:13:45:560 That reminds me, we need more string cheese. 220 00:13:45:760 --> 00:13:49:560 Then, for lunch, a Hot Pocket and a Bagel Bite. 221 00:13:49:800 --> 00:13:55:600 Then dinner, fried chicken, mashed potatoes and a baloney sandwich. 222 00:13:56:280 --> 00:13:57:640 Okay, it's not what he ate. 223 00:13:59:400 --> 00:14:02:480 Then, for a snack, I had a glass of Tang and some Cheetos. 224 00:14:02:720 --> 00:14:05:160 That explains the orange vomit. 225 00:14:05:400 --> 00:14:06:840 It's probably a stomach virus. 226 00:14:07:080 --> 00:14:08:880 Oh, please. I throw up all the time. 227 00:14:09:080 --> 00:14:12:440 It's just nature's way of saying, "Everybody out of the pool." 228 00:14:12:680 --> 00:14:15:520 - I'm putting him to bed. Come on. - They have beds in Vegas. 229 00:14:15:720 --> 00:14:18:600 - What if he needs a doctor? - They have doctors in Vegas. 230 00:14:18:800 --> 00:14:22:360 I bet if we looked around, we could find a casino with a hospital theme. 231 00:14:22:640 --> 00:14:25:920 You know, Caesars Sinai or something. 232 00:14:27:400 --> 00:14:29:160 I'll get it. 233 00:14:31:320 --> 00:14:33:080 Hello? Hey, Mom. 234 00:14:33:920 --> 00:14:36:240 Fine. Nothing. 235 00:14:36:480 --> 00:14:38:680 I threw up in Uncle Charlie's umbrella stand... 236 00:14:38:880 --> 00:14:42:360 ...and we're going to Vegas. - No! 237 00:14:43:120 --> 00:14:44:920 What kind of a father are you? 238 00:14:45:160 --> 00:14:48:040 I am a good father. When he threw up, I cancelled the trip. 239 00:14:48:280 --> 00:14:51:120 But you were planning to take my 11 -year-old to Las Vegas. 240 00:14:51:720 --> 00:14:54:200 It's really a family town now. 241 00:14:55:640 --> 00:14:59:240 The mob hardly has any influence at all anymore. 242 00:14:59:440 --> 00:15:01:880 Oh, good, Charlie. That helps. 243 00:15:02:120 --> 00:15:04:160 Were you planning on telling me about this? 244 00:15:04:400 --> 00:15:06:800 What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, Mom. 245 00:15:08:600 --> 00:15:10:320 Oh, good, Jake. That helps. 246 00:15:11:560 --> 00:15:14:720 - Honey, why don't you go lie down. - Why? I'm fine. 247 00:15:14:960 --> 00:15:17:120 Is it too late to get our bets down with Coop? 248 00:15:17:360 --> 00:15:19:120 - What bets? - Who's Coop? 249 00:15:19:360 --> 00:15:22:040 Go lie down. You're delirious. 250 00:15:24:360 --> 00:15:28:480 Listen, Judith, I don't think you understand what's going on here. 251 00:15:28:720 --> 00:15:30:040 - Oh, really? - Yeah. 252 00:15:30:320 --> 00:15:32:440 - You see, this trip was my idea. - I'm shocked. 253 00:15:32:640 --> 00:15:34:640 Let me finish. 254 00:15:34:840 --> 00:15:36:680 You see, I wanted to cheer Alan up... 255 00:15:36:920 --> 00:15:38:960 Charlie, don't. It's personal. 256 00:15:39:160 --> 00:15:40:480 She has a right to know. 257 00:15:41:120 --> 00:15:44:120 Judith, Alan got some bad news from the doctor yesterday. 258 00:15:44:360 --> 00:15:46:600 Oh, my God, Alan. What is it? 259 00:15:46:800 --> 00:15:51:920 Well, the doctor says I have to have a colonoscopy. 260 00:15:52:160 --> 00:15:55:680 - Are you having problems? - No, it's just routine. 261 00:15:55:920 --> 00:16:00:520 - So? - So I'm really nervous about it. 262 00:16:00:760 --> 00:16:02:080 That's it? 263 00:16:02:640 --> 00:16:06:360 Well, it's a long, snaky thing with a camera. 264 00:16:06:600 --> 00:16:08:720 Oh, please. Your son was 10 pounds at birth... 265 00:16:08:920 --> 00:16:10:960 ...and his head was the same size it is now. 266 00:16:12:040 --> 00:16:14:160 That's kind of apples and oranges, isn't it? 267 00:16:14:400 --> 00:16:16:360 - Goodbye, Alan. - Wait, wait, wait, Judith. 268 00:16:16:560 --> 00:16:20:040 - Aren't you gonna take Jake with you? - No, I'm not taking him. He's fine. 269 00:16:20:240 --> 00:16:24:000 Don't think I don't see what's going. You put Jake up to telling me he's sick... 270 00:16:24:240 --> 00:16:26:880 ...so you could pawn him off while you went to Las Vegas. 271 00:16:27:120 --> 00:16:29:560 He did throw up. Smell the umbrella stand. 272 00:16:29:800 --> 00:16:31:920 I'm not buying it. I'll get him Monday night. 273 00:16:32:120 --> 00:16:34:080 And if I find out you took him to Vegas... 274 00:16:34:280 --> 00:16:36:640 ...you'll get a colonoscopy from my attorney. 275 00:16:38:800 --> 00:16:41:640 I've seen your alimony checks. 276 00:16:41:840 --> 00:16:44:040 You already got one. 277 00:16:47:200 --> 00:16:48:760 So, what's the deal? Are we going? 278 00:16:49:000 --> 00:16:51:120 - I don't think so. - Why? I'm fine. 279 00:16:51:360 --> 00:16:54:960 - Yeah, but your mom said, "No." - Oh, man. 280 00:16:55:160 --> 00:16:57:640 Don't eat anything orange. 281 00:16:58:680 --> 00:17:01:520 - You wanna know what I think? - Not at all. 282 00:17:01:760 --> 00:17:04:040 I think if she wanted to keep you on a leash... 283 00:17:04:240 --> 00:17:07:960 ...she shouldn't have divorced you. - I'm not on a leash. I never was. 284 00:17:08:160 --> 00:17:09:960 You were living here for three weeks... 285 00:17:10:160 --> 00:17:13:280 ...before you were getting up on the couch without permission. 286 00:17:13:960 --> 00:17:16:000 Can we just drop it? It was a bad idea. 287 00:17:16:240 --> 00:17:20:160 There are no bad ideas. There's just a lack of will to execute them. 288 00:17:21:760 --> 00:17:24:280 We're men, Alan. Single men. 289 00:17:24:560 --> 00:17:27:480 We go where we want, when we want and how we want. 290 00:17:27:720 --> 00:17:29:560 Usually without so much toiletries... 291 00:17:29:800 --> 00:17:33:360 ...but I'm trying to be flexible here. - I explained about the toiletries. 292 00:17:33:600 --> 00:17:36:960 The point is, you can't let your ex-wife control your behavior... 293 00:17:37:200 --> 00:17:39:840 ...no matter how stupid or self-destructive it might be. 294 00:17:40:000 --> 00:17:42:800 - Charlie, l... - What profit a man... 295 00:17:43:040 --> 00:17:45:840 ...if he escapes the iron shackles of matrimony... 296 00:17:46:040 --> 00:17:51:440 ...only to surrender to sexually frustrated tyranny of a vengeful ex-wife? 297 00:17:54:960 --> 00:17:56:400 You know what? You're right. 298 00:17:56:600 --> 00:17:58:200 - We're men. - Right, are you with me? 299 00:17:58:480 --> 00:18:01:040 - I'm with you. - Grab your pack, we're going to Vegas. 300 00:18:02:960 --> 00:18:05:640 - Jake? - Just a sec. 301 00:18:08:600 --> 00:18:11:040 It's okay. It's mostly water. 302 00:18:15:160 --> 00:18:18:360 I'm fine. Let's go. We're men. 303 00:18:18:560 --> 00:18:20:360 Nope. You're too sick. 304 00:18:20:600 --> 00:18:22:400 Some other time. 305 00:18:22:600 --> 00:18:25:040 I'm really sorry I ruined the trip, Uncle Charlie. 306 00:18:25:280 --> 00:18:26:600 Hey, it's not your fault. 307 00:18:26:800 --> 00:18:28:680 It's your dad who won't let you go. 308 00:18:30:240 --> 00:18:32:880 - Thanks, Charlie. - Why should he feel guilty? 309 00:18:33:720 --> 00:18:36:840 Here. Put this on Wake Forest. 310 00:18:38:880 --> 00:18:41:160 Game's over, Jake. They lost. 311 00:18:41:400 --> 00:18:45:400 - What about the spread? - They didn't cover. 312 00:18:47:000 --> 00:18:48:320 Give me back my money. 313 00:18:50:880 --> 00:18:52:320 Get some rest. 314 00:18:52:520 --> 00:18:55:720 - I'm hungry. - Get used to it. 315 00:18:58:280 --> 00:19:01:040 - That's some great kid. - Yeah. 316 00:19:01:240 --> 00:19:04:120 Sick as a dog, and all he wants is a little action. 317 00:19:04:280 --> 00:19:05:920 Well, he gets that from you. 318 00:19:06:200 --> 00:19:07:480 You think so? 319 00:19:07:640 --> 00:19:11:680 - Because I do try to be a role model. - I know you do. 320 00:19:11:920 --> 00:19:14:680 Listen, there's no reason you have to stick around. 321 00:19:14:880 --> 00:19:16:840 He's gonna sleep. I can keep an eye on him. 322 00:19:17:080 --> 00:19:18:840 No, no, I couldn't go now. 323 00:19:19:080 --> 00:19:21:400 Why not? You wanted to go to Vegas. You should go. 324 00:19:21:600 --> 00:19:24:680 You're probably gonna have a better time without Jake and me. 325 00:19:24:920 --> 00:19:27:240 Probably? Unquestionably. 326 00:19:27:480 --> 00:19:29:600 - Then why don't you go? - I don't know. 327 00:19:29:800 --> 00:19:33:040 It just feels somehow wrong to abandon the kid when he's sick. 328 00:19:33:280 --> 00:19:35:720 Now you know what it feels like to be a parent. 329 00:19:37:080 --> 00:19:39:160 How inconvenient. 330 00:19:40:240 --> 00:19:44:360 - What's that? - It sounds like Lynyrd Skynyrd. 331 00:19:55:160 --> 00:19:56:880 Berta? 332 00:20:01:400 --> 00:20:03:360 Surprise! 333 00:20:14:040 --> 00:20:15:520 I'm gonna start the IV. 334 00:20:15:720 --> 00:20:17:720 In a few seconds, you're gonna feel drowsy. 335 00:20:17:920 --> 00:20:21:080 No. No drowsy. I wanna be out. Completely out. 336 00:20:21:320 --> 00:20:22:960 Don't worry, you will be. 337 00:20:23:160 --> 00:20:25:760 - Right, doctor? - Aye. 338 00:20:26:000 --> 00:20:30:240 You won't be remembering anything, me bucko. 339 00:20:38:320 --> 00:20:41:800 Thanks, doc. Here's the 2 grand for your children's hospital. 340 00:20:43:400 --> 00:20:46:960 And remember, when he wakes up, you're a gas station attendant. 341 00:21:13:040 --> 00:21:15:040 Subtitles by SDI Media Group 342 00:21:15:240 --> 00:21:17:320 [ENGLISH] 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net 27691