All language subtitles for Here After - Faraway Eyes.2020.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-YTSMX.Eng

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Once bread becomes toast,

it can never
become bread again.

Once you've made a mistake,
you look at that moment.

You think of everything

that you could have
done differently,

but that moment is gone.

Every yes instead of no,
every left instead of right.

My life could have changed.

Like, I had this cute
redhead crush from my art class

named Stephanie
handcuffed to my bedpost

at my parents' house.

I couldn't have been a day
over 16, and she was older.

I know
because she drove us there.

And...

Redheads were like
this county fair cotton candy.

It started as a joke, really.

I had these handcuffs
that I lost the key to,

but I taught myself
how to pick them.

Well, the truth is,
I had no idea

what to do with a hot girl.

I thought I did,
and handcuffs were like

these dirty-sounding things
for some reason.

Anyway, I've got
this hot redhead

chained to my bed,

And I slowly work up the nerve,

not to kiss her
like some smooth guy,

but to dive headlong
into taking her shirt off,

button by button,

like
the greatest Christmas present

a Jewish boy ever had.

And I'm just hypnotized
by these sweet little bubblegum

pink nipples that are so hard,
they're ready to bounce off

these milky white,
slightly tan,

lightly freckled titties

that are pointing up
towards the sky.

Ahh.

So I move in slowly,
just planning my attack,

thinking about everything
I'm gonna do,

each button closer,

like my life is going
to spring forward

into having meaning
for the first time,

because as far as I know,

I'm about to bang the shit
out of this really hot redhead.

Every American boy's dream.

And then I hear my parents' car
crunching gravel outside.

Then I hear my sister's voice

calling as she's
coming up the stairs.

Now, have you ever tried
to pick a tiny handcuff lock

while you have a raging boner

and thinking about where you're
gonna hide a hot redhead?

I tell you, it can't be done.

So, my sister comes
barreling up the stairs,

tries to walk in,

and I jam the door
shut with my foot.

But it's too late.
She can already see

the pair of feet
that are tied to the bed.

It's not like she doesn't know
I have a girl in my room

or that she doesn't recognize
the car outside, right?

So, she is such a tattletale.

She runs downstairs,
yells to my mother,

"Michael's got Stephanie
tied to his bed,

and he won't open the door."

Stephanie is just mortified
and freaked out.

I think
about every little thing

that I could have done
differently

not to get caught, but...

you know, there's no choice,

and it's not I can
jump out of the window.

So I throw on my jeans.
I go downstairs.

Stephanie waits upstairs.

I see my parents
at the dining table

in their swivel chairs

like some job interview.

They're just shaking their
disappointed mom and dad heads.

I don't deny anything because,
you know, what's the point?

I just wait
for the hammer to drop.

Wait for them to start
screaming and shouting.

But after a long,
awkward silence,

you know what they do?

They look at each other,
they look at me.

My mom reaches
into her purse and grabs $10

and tells me to take
Stephanie to Burger King.

Could have been a fucking
commercial from Burger King,

come to think of it.

Michael, tell me
what happened.

So I took her
to Burger King.

- I'm sorry?
- What?

- I need you to listen to me.
- Okay.

I'm going to have
to cut you off.

You're not listening to me.

Focus.

I'm sorry,
what was the question?

Can you recall exactly
how it was that you died?

- What?
- I want you to concentrate.

Think very hard, please.
What is your very last memory?

Try to reach out
and pull it in.

What happened?
What?

Keep going, keep going.

- No, I see it.
- Excuse us.

- And it's delayed.
- Ugh! After all that?

After all that.

I'm getting a drink.

- Oh, Jesus.
- What? Don't even.

I didn't say anything.

My iPhone said the flight
was on time.

Yeah, well, we don't really
control the apps here,

just the official board
behind me.

"Just the official board
behind her."

Sorry.

I don't even know
why I'm doing this.

I just had a family trip
three weeks ago.

My family, which is bad enough.

Your family is your family,
not my family.

We should get back.
The plane should be boarding.

Yeah.

I can't do this.

It's not right with us, and you
want me to pretend that it is.

I did that for 10 years
in my marriage,

and I'm not doing it again
with you.

I'm sorry.

You're not gonna
say anything to me?

Amy.

We will now begin boarding
for service to Pittsburgh.

All active military...

- Amy, I just...
- ...any disabled people,

and all Ruby Class
and Gold Class club members.

- Amy, just...
- We will now begin boarding

rows one through eight
for service to Pittsburgh.

Amy, please just see
how you feel

when you get there, okay?

No, I'm sorry.

I'm gonna get a cab
back to the apartment.

Just go without me, go have fun
with your parents, okay?

Uh, wait.

- Sorry.
- It's fine.

How many times
do I have to tell you

not to touch people?

Why does it look like
you're smiling?

You think this is funny?
Is that what you think?

I'm not smiling, okay?
Just...

I knew when you ordered
two vodka sodas,

you weren't going
to get on that plane.

Oh, you think this has to do
with my drinking?

- Yeah.
- Well, whatever.

This is not
because of my drinking.

- Okay.
- Okay?

I've been thinking about this
for a long time.

You don't have anything else
to say to me?

Just seems funny that
if one plane isn't delayed

for an hour,
we don't break up.

One little connecting flight
from Dallas isn't late.

Maybe one little engine problem
is the difference

between you and I staring into
the eyes of our grandchildren

and being buried together
50 years from now

or you getting in a cab

and going home
to a new life without me.

No.

This would have happened
back at your parents' condo

or back home, okay?

- Maybe you're right.
- Or...

Okay.

You're not serious.

Jesus.

So you guys broke up?

And this time
I'm gonna hold her to it.

For real this time?

I told her the next drunk
panic breakup was it.

- Are you sure?
- Christ.

I just realized I don't have
any money for the toll.

Goddamn toll is only
a goddamn quarter.

- You don't have any money?
- Nope, don't have a quarter.

Yeah, nope, thought
I was getting on the plane.

- Man.
- Now I've got to get off

the goddamn exit
and go to the ATM.

I can't believe this, man.

Are you still there?

- Yeah, and I missed the ramp.
- Where are you?

Yeah, I just
gotta back up now.

- On the highway?
- Uh-huh, on the highway.

Shush.

- You're doing what?
- What?

In the middle
of a fucking highway?

Are you crazy?

I hope you're all right.
None of my business.

Do what you want,
which you will.

That's really the last thing
I remember.

I think that's all.

Let me think.

Try to remember.
You can do it.

Open your mind.

I still have this quarter.

Where did you get
that quarter?

Picked it up.

You picked up the quarter.
And then what do you remember?

That I hit something?

Think it through, Michael.

It's easier if you figure it
out for yourself.

Something hit my car.

A truck hit your car.

What's the very next thing
you remember?

Sitting right here.

I told you about the redhead.

I knew you'd get it.
Very good.

- Am I in a hospital?
- No.

- Are you a doctor?
- No, I'm not a doctor.

This isn't a hospital.
I am here to help you.

My name is Scarlett.

Okay, Scarlett.
Am I in rehab or something?

I mean, I wasn't drinking.

Think, Michael.

Remember,
and then hold on to the memory

and bring it back with you.

It's important.

Am I in heaven or something?

You're dead, Michael,

and I am very sorry about that.

You have
my deepest condolences.

But you're not finished yet.

There are some loose ends.

What are you talking
about, "loose ends?"

Wait.

No, no, I can't be dead.
I got stuff to do.

- No.
- No, no.

I got a one man-show I'm doing.
Opening night is coming up.

No.

How long have I been here?
I've got to get home.

I've got to take care
of Banshee, my cat.

You're not thinking
this through.

Oh, yeah.
Yes, I am.

I am thinking this
all the way through, okay?

I can't be dead, all right?
I have obligations.

Can I make a call?
Where's my phone?

God dammit!
Ah!

What happened?

- You are dead.
- Huh.

But you have left

one important detail
unfinished.

Oh.
Oh, shit.

I'm not religious.

Not that.

I'm talking
about your soul mate.

I mean,
my parents were Jewish,

but we had a Christmas tree.

Couldn't call it
a Christmas tree.

It was very confusing.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
My soul, did you say?

Not your soul.
Your soul mate.

Unfortunately, you died single.

That left your soul incomplete.

So?

Well, that's a problem.
I'm sorry.

Come to think of it,

my girlfriend
did just break up with me.

Souls cross over in pairs
and only in pairs.

You have to find a soul mate.

You're kidding.
How?

It's not as difficult
as it might sound,

but it can be daunting
for some people.

You don't say.
People are weirded out by this?

Some people have trouble
adjusting to being dead.

And then, yes, the dating.

- You're serious.
- You need to focus.

You realize I've been dating
my whole life

without much success?

Yes, and that's why
we're here now.

The soul mate cliché
is quite real.

That's why everyone makes
such a big deal about it,

whether they know it on
some subconscious level or not.

You'll have to find one
before you go on,

or there won't be any going on.

Go on to what?

You'll find out
once you find someone.

Souls come in alone,
but they go out in pairs.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

It is the purpose,
the secret,

the meaning of life,
you might say.

You realize this is
fucked up, right?

I mean, what about
little kids who died,

or people who get married
three times?

I mean, who do they
move on with?

I'm not gonna argue
with you, Michael.

Wait.
So I die...

then I have to meet a girl.

It doesn't have to be a girl.
It doesn't have to be a guy.

It just has to be
the right person for you.

And they have to feel
the same way too, or no go.

People go their whole lives
without finding

- the right person.
- Yes.

And then they end up here
in my office

muttering about redheads

and asking what happened
till I get them to focus.

- Uh-huh.
- This can take time.

So like, find
a simultaneous orgasm or bust?

Exactly, but without the sex.

Sex clouds the mind,
so we've unclouded it for you.

Thank you.

Clarity is gonna come in handy.

You'll see.

I mean...

Where do I even start?

Just remember,
things are different here.

Removing those things
allows you to focus

on what's really important.

So I just ask
dead girls on dates?

Sure.
Why not?

Great.

Are you free for dinner?

I have a soul mate, Michael,
and I've already crossed over.

You're not the first person
to make that joke,

and I can tell you
it just keeps getting funnier.

Now, you have to go.

I have literally
tens of thousands

of appointments today.

So, there's an afterlife,
and you've moved on,

but while you're here,
you have a job?

Yes.

Just sounds like you got
a raw deal here, I mean...

I'm here to help you,
Michael.

I want to be here.

You have to go.

Go where?

The entire world
and all the infinite fish

in the sea are
through that door behind you.

All the rotting fish
in the sea.

You can go anywhere
you want to,

see anything you want to,

and be your truest self
for the first time.

No one in the living world
can see you or stop you.

With the exception
of not being able to eat

and a few other limitations,

the world is
your private sandbox.

- Is my mother in on this?
- You should get started.

It's time.

- And if I have any questions?
- You're on your own,

until you're no longer
on your own.

I'll see you when you're ready.

Wait.

Hello?

This sucks.

I'll never get used
to not having a phone.

I mean, how do I find anything?

Like literally anything?

You know what?
This is great.

Women love men who fish around
in their pockets

and talk to themselves.

Come on, ladies.

Hey, buddy,
can I ask you a question?

No?

Hello?

Anybody?

Nobody, really?

Oh, thank you,
fucking God.

Mwah!
Okay.

Yeah!
At least we have that!

Oh, yeah.
Hello ladies.

Sorry.

Whoop.

You'll do.

Yeah! Needed that.

Hey, what's the matter?

You never seen a dead guy
get drunk before?

Shoot, I'm too gone, right?

Oh, yeah!

I never liked you anyway.

I never liked any of you!

That's why we're here, right?

Nobody loved us.
We're all single.

Hey, you know what?

Round of drinks
for all my

dearly departed friends.

Hey buddy, excuse me.

Fuck off.

No, I was just gonna
ask you a question.

What part of "fuck off"
don't you understand?

You deaf, dumb and dead?
Eh?

Want to hear it
in another language?

Hablo el "fuck off" -o?

Hey, there.
Hi.

I'm Mike.
What's your name?

Just trying to make
a little conversation.

Hey, there.

Hey, I'm Mike.

Hey!
Nice pajamas.

Did you die in your sleep
or you just lazy?

You can talk to me.

So how do I find my soul mate
if no one will talk to me?

I'm trying to play along.

I don't know
why you're complaining.

We all got the same problem.

Thank you.
You talked to me.

Please, no.
I need to know what's going on.

I need to talk to somebody,
anybody, please.

It's New York.

Even when you're alive,
no one wants to talk to you,

especially
when you look desperate.

So what do I do?

Listen, you had the same
counseling we all did, right?

Well, it all sucks.
It sucks for us all.

You just got to get through it.

It's like hell on Earth.
They call it dating.

- Yeah, well, what's the point?
- Who said there's a point?

Just think about love
and forever.

And what would you say to
the girl if it really mattered?

What would you say?

I have no idea where to go.

Yep.

Get in line
with the rest of us, buddy.

Wait.

How do I find someone

if I don't see anybody
most of the time?

Come on, don't be dumb.

Just squint really hard,
and you see whoever you want.

Work on it.
It gets easier.

Squint?

Squinting to see people.

Urgh!

Whoa!

Yes!

Saw you!

I see you.

It works.

Are you alive or dead here?

Because I really can't get
a read on it.

Always heads.

Heads.
I lose again.

This is so unreal.

Where would I go if I was
the girl of my dreams?

Excuse me.

Could you even look at me?

- I'm waiting for someone else.
- Someone else?

Anyone else.

How do you know it's not
worth talking to me?

Educated guess,
life experience.

Was it because of the
polite way I said "excuse me"?

All right, fine.

So, small talk.
How did you die?

Isn't that kind of personal?

I was hit by a truck.
You?

Mountain climbing.
What did you do with your time?

Is that little laugh
supposed to mean

that you died
better than I did?

I mean, you could have
been hit by a truck.

You ever cross
the street before?

- I have to go.
- I was an actor.

And you?

Founded
an international charity.

Of course you did.

Listen.

I'm sure you're a great guy
in your own way

and probably charming,

but that doesn't really
go far here.

You can't just hook up.

I didn't say I wanted to.

"Good enough"
isn't good enough here.

- So, I'm not even worth a try?
- Not for me.

Listen, this is not like
the world we're used to.

There's nothing good on TV.

There's nothing on TV.
It's literally blank.

Blank.

- TV is blank?
- Mm.

We're like dogs.

It's on,
but we don't really see it.

Why do I not find that
reassuring?

Look around you.
Everything here is weird.

But at least we have alcohol.

It doesn't ease the pain
of talking to people.

No offense.

How has somebody
not snatched you up yet?

It's not that simple.

Listen, when you're
here long enough,

you'll learn to see
when the spark isn't there.

All right, so what am I
supposed to do?

Find some girl.

I don't know,
but just don't think

like you're trying
to get her in bed.

Don't talk about TV or trivia
or politics or food

or any of that shit that used
to mean something.

Like... sports.

Nobody here wants to see
your baseball card collection,

your ex-wife, your job.

It's all gone, all equal.

Unless I was an actor,

which, in that case,
fuck me, right?

You're here to find
the person

that you didn't find in life
to spend eternity with.

Eternity is
a long fucking time.

I mean, I don't even know
what I have left to offer.

Then pour yourself
a tall, stiff drink

and wait it out.

I've got to at least try.

I guess, I mean... don't I?

It's up to you.
I mean...

Take a look around you.

Why are you in a bar?

Where else is there?

Hopefully, for you,
something more.

What about for you?

What would you offer a girl
like me if you had the chance?

You know that funny tingling
feeling you get

when some guy's jerking off
to the memory of the night

you looked your best?

On a good night,
I could remind you of that.

Yeah, okay.

On a bad night, I could
at least make you laugh.

Mm.

Hey!
Hey.

How about heads, you stay
and have another drink with me?

Tails, I'll leave you alone?

No, thanks.

Your misogyny
overwhelms all other charms.

It was gonna be tails anyway.

Jesus, Mary
and Johnny Weissmuller.

What do I gotta do
to get out of this town?

Sorry.

Wait.

Wait, what was...

Hello?

Hello?

Wow.

All right.
How's this go again?

Just think hard, strain to see.

Like squinting
is good enough.

Come on, just...

All right, you can do this.

Mom.

Just fill the bags,
I guess.

Dad.

I'm giving the clothes away
so we don't have to sort.

I don't want his things
in garbage bags.

Well, what are we going
to do with them?

We don't need to rush
his things out the door.

No, exactly!

Because, I mean,
what's the rush?

Maybe the family wants
some of them or his friends.

Some of these
are good clothes.

Who's gonna want these?

I mean, none of these are
very good clothes, you know.

Okay, some people would kill
for that jacket.

And look at this jacket.

Nobody would be caught dead
in this jacket.

Mom, we're not here
to critique his fashion.

Whatever.
You do the clothes.

I'm gonna get the drawers.

I wish you had buried me
in that jacket.

I love that fucking jacket.

I met a beautiful girl
in that jacket.

Took her home.

Bet you her number's
still in the pocket.

Oh, well.

Some homeless guy is gonna have
the night of his life.

I can't believe
I missed my own funeral.

Look it.

I would have loved
to have seen that.

- It's running.
- Hmm.

An actor's dream.

His watch is running.
It's running.

Yes.

That's all you have to say?

I'm getting the drawers.

No, Barbie.
Don't go in the drawers.

Hey, Dad.
Somebody?

Can't we just call
Bob or Jesse?

I'd really rather have a guy
take care of this.

Okay, well, there you go.

- Ugh!
- I warned you.

Come on, we're all
adults here, right?

Like you've never
seen that before.

All right?

20 bucks says there is nothing
in that fridge but beer.

There'll be pickles.

I always bring him pickles.

Yeah, well, you know what?
You both lose.

There's wine in there too,

and pickles and shit
and light beer.

Nothing but beer, 20 bucks?

You're on.

Look.
Look in the back.

Pickles.
Come on.

Look!
Pickles.

- That's right.
- See? Pickles.

That's food.
Doctors say so.

I shouldn't ask you this,
but...

were you disappointed in him,
what he did with his life?

What he didn't do?

What kind of question
is that?

Not a bit.
He was who he was,

and he wasn't gonna be
anybody else.

If you have kids
who are kind and decent,

wishing them a different life

is like hoping an oak tree
will up and grow pine needles.

What does that even mean?
My son wasn't a tree.

I didn't care if he was
successful,

not for its own sake.

I didn't want him to go
into retail, necessarily.

Not even a little bit?
Really?

Really.

I wanted him happy
and true to himself,

and I think he was.

I wanted him to be an actor.

You guys act like I was
some sort

of bus station hooker
or something.

I didn't care if he was rich
or famous

because he didn't care.

It wasn't up to me anyway.
I liked who he was just fine.

Yeah, well, you didn't look
in his sock drawer.

Told you not to look.

I just want him back.

I would just like him to get
a chance to be happy,

to find whatever it was
he was looking for.

I'm still looking, Ma.
They won't let me stop.

He was a wonderful actor.

Oh, it wasn't fair to go
like that.

It wasn't fair.

I just wish he had a chance
to do that one-man show thing.

I would have liked to see what
he made with that, you know?

Two years seems like
such a waste now.

I hated that man who gave
the speech at the ceremony.

He hardly knew him.

He pronounced
everybody's names wrong.

And he's telling us
exactly what he's like.

It was ridiculous.

Help me with the boxes.
Gonna be dark soon.

Your mother doesn't drive well
at night anymore.

I have work in the morning.

And this doesn't get
any easier if we wait.

You guys are depressing me,
and it was my funeral.

I think we should say
goodbye here.

Goodbye?

I mean, this is where
he spent his time.

I feel like he was here.

I feel as if we can feel him.

Not in some ceremony.

Goodbye, Dad.

I'm not saying goodbye
to anybody yet.

I'm still not convinced.

Well, I can understand that.

I don't know what
they put in the casket,

but it must have looked
like gazpacho.

I am not accepting this
until I decide to.

Why should I?

I mean, it doesn't feel to me
like he's gone.

To me, it feels like
he's right here,

like he's right here
in this room with us,

and he's arguing about all
these stupid little details.

He's here.
He's here!

He's here until I say he's not.

Thanks, Mom.

Goodbye to you, too.

I already bought
his Hanukkah presents.

Ugh, no more drunken
Hannukah caroling

yelling out car window
at the Orthodox Jews

- in Williamsburg.
- In April.

You guys can totally do that
without me, come on.

I miss
every stupid annoying thing

about his stupid annoying self.

Thanks, I guess?

He's not those boxes,
and he's not in that junk.

And he wasn't in
that drawer either.

It's probably some of me
in that strainer

that they used
to fish me out of the car with.

Just have to keep him
in mind and our memory.

No, that's not good enough.

Hey, buckle up.

Bye.

Okay, think of the bright side.

What is the bright side?

I don't know.

I feel great physically.

My cholesterol
is finally down to zero.

Parking is no longer a problem.

Nothing ever itches,

but I've got
plenty of free time.

I can go see my friends now.

All right.

Angelo!

Angelo!

Hey, Angelo?

Angelo!
You here?

Shit.

Michael!

Michael motherfucking Logan,
seriously?

- Angelo?
- Mikey!

Come here, bro!

- It's me, big as death.
- Ah!

- You're dead!
- Yeah.

You look great.
This is fantastic.

I'm so glad you're dead!
Never get to say that.

I've never been
so happy to find

that a friend of mine died.

When the hell did you die?

Just recently.

I was trying to think of who I
knew that died single like me.

Born to be a happy bachelor,
and died that way too.

Not the way I thought
that was gonna work out,

but hey, you live and learn.
Come on in, bro!

Isn't this shit crazy,
this whole crazy system?

I mean, can you believe it?

I know, it's like playing
fucking musical chairs

- to the death.
- Hey, you're telling me.

And bro, have you tried
jerking off yet?

It's like trying to drive
in neutral.

Nothing, ghost dick.

So, why'd they even let us
keep our dicks?

- I know.
- No pissing either.

I know, it's like they just
fucking mocking us.

- With all of it.
- You said it.

How much of a pisser was it
and when you found out

that there's no kind of suicide
either, huh?

Just got to stay
and wait it out.

I mean, come on.
Tell me it's not just me.

Oh, man.

You just ruined
my next, like, 20 questions.

So, what you doing here?

I mean,
if you don't mind my asking.

You know, I'm happy to see you.
Don't get me wrong.

I just didn't know
where else to go, you know?

I needed to talk to someone.

You know, a guy
I could relate to.

You know I'm not gay, right?

I cannot move on with you
or in with you

or in you, okay?

- No can do, bro.
- Yeah, yeah, I know.

I just needed
to talk to someone

who might be able to tell me
what the fuck is going on.

Yeah, well, hey.

I'm being a crappy host here.

I mean, you want something,
I don't know, to sit on, read?

No, no.

Want to check out
my beer collection?

I have a lot.

I really have everything.
You want a drink?

No, no, no, I'm fine.
I had plenty.

So, how is it?
You know?

The boredom...
it's got to be maddening.

Oh, man, it's not so bad.
I get a lot of reading done.

You ever read Vonnegut?
Fucking phenomenal.

God, yeah.
It's so fucking boring.

- Yeah.
- You're right.

I just heard myself
say that shit.

I am so fucking bored.

I woke up here and, like,
right off the bat, I'm like,

"So when do I get
to meet Hendrix?"

And, you know, Abe Lincoln?
And, you know, Farrah?

I swear, first words
once I got here.

My guide laughed his ass off.

So why aren't you out there,

you know,
trying to find someone?

I mean, you know
the deal, right?

It's harsh, no?

Oh, man.

First couple days,
I worked it like a dog,

like a college freshman.
You know?

I combed my goddamn hair,
I stood up straight,

made sure I belched silently,
the whole deal.

I tried, man.

But these girls,
they've heard everything,

and they couldn't settle
if they wanted to.

Great, that's not
what I wanted to hear.

You can't move forward
unless it's the real thing.

You both got to feel true love.

Got to be magic,
or nothing happens, pffft!

You know, that's a high bar
to jump over.

You look around, and you can
just feel the universe

ignoring you.
You know, whispering like,

"Nope, that ain't it,
try again."

So, then you tighten up
your game, you sharpen up,

and then you fail again.
And it gets worse each time

because now
you can't kid yourself

that you're not really trying
or you don't really care.

So, we're screwed?

This ain't hell,

but it's sure doing
its best impression.

So what do you do?

Me?

I watch living people
when they're naked.

I watch them fuck, watch them
shower, watch them jerk off.

It's hilarious, man.
It's the funniest thing ever.

Yeah, funny.

Isn't that like watching the
Food Channel on a liquid diet?

It's not so bad.

What, are you spending
your days as a peeping Tom?

No, man.
A peeping Tom's gotta hide.

I'm right there with
a fucking Glenlivet in my hand.

You know,
just hanging out, casual,

no worries in the world.

What else do you do?
I mean,

even that's
gotta get old eventually.

Not really.
You'd be surprised.

Death relieves an amazing
amount of guilt, too.

And no jealousy, either.

I'm very proud of myself most
of the time, I've gotta say.

You must be.

Man, it's got to be crazy,
right?

I mean, you can't do anything.

Well, I walk a lot.

I drink a lot.
Plus I read a lot.

You sure you don't want
something to read?

Nah, I don't even know
where I'd start.

You got a self-help section?

Not unless smut counts.

Nah, that self-improvement
crap's a dead end,

no pun intended.

It's the great authors
you need,

literature like "Moby Dick,"
or, you know, Updike.

- Yeah, why?
- Why? I don't know.

You want to spend eternity
with Deepak Chopra?

Once only important stuff
is important,

you really can't read
joke books anymore.

All right, so...

Where do I go if I want to try
my luck, you know?

Find a girl, you know?

I can't
just give up without trying.

Of course, of course.

I like your motivation.
You know, we're men.

We're not happy unless we try
to defeat something, right?

Yeah, or at least tell
ourselves that we tried.

So?

Well, there's one place,
but it's not easy.

It's hell on your self-esteem
and your nerves.

Think you felt out of place
as the old guy in the clubs

when you were alive?
This will kill you.

What's that?

Just a quarter.

Yeah, I know what it is, but
where the fuck did you get it?

I don't know,
I brought it with me.

From your life?
That's fucking wild.

I've never been able to carry
anything around with me

but booze and books.

Everything else just falls
right through my hands.

Yeah, well, I died with it
in my hand.

I guess I carry it around

for, like, a bad luck charm
or something.

All right, so you want to go?

- Go?
- Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

You're not gonna like it.

Well, I didn't eat meat...

or gluten, or sugar or yeast.

Let me see,
I never wore nail polish

because it made me feel
claustrophobic.

I think they love each other,
but they're like, "meow."

You say you died alone?

Uh, with my cats.

But I'm not really sure
what that has to do with Jesus.

I hate any movies
that are, like, set in space

or foreign countries.

Well, you know,
mostly I dedicated my life...

it's kind of embarrassing...
to the art of ventriloquism.

But, of course,
I couldn't pass over with him.

But can you kind of imagine it?

"You think this date's
going bad?

Wait till I take you home."

Wouldn't be the first hand
I've made love to.

I can guess anyone's sign

within the first 30 seconds
of meeting them

without ever speaking to them.
You want to know how I know?

No.

How about those Knicks?

I don't like animals.
I prefer silence to music.

I have issues
with being touched,

so sex has pretty much always
been out of the question,

and no sex talk either.

- So what do you like to do?
- My God, like, anything.

I'm easy, whatever.

Man, I forgot
how brutal this is.

I told you.

You see that girl over there?

My God, I just
want to rip my dick off

and throw it at her.
You know?

Is that a rude thing to do?

I don't even remember
the rules.

Why don't you go over there
and talk to her?

Nah, you kidding me?

I've been shot down
more times than skeet.

I just don't care anymore.

I'd rather watch you beat
your head against a brick wall.

Come on,
get back out there, boy.

No, no, no.

What about her over there?

Come on, get out there.

All right.

Gong.
You can go.

Without even talking to me?

How did you decide
that so quickly?

You want me to tell you
what I don't like about you?

No, gong.

Is that supposed to be, like,
"The Gong Show" or something?

I mean, that is
some charming shit.

I guess you don't
remember me.

We met when we were alive and
you're a woman-hating douche.

Why should us both dying
suddenly making you my type?

We're done here, right?
I don't have time for you.

Come on, time?
We got nothing but time.

Really?
You didn't figure it out yet?

Think about it.
If our time here was unlimited,

this place would be crawling
with the unlovable losers

from all time.

You see any homely
one-legged Civil War vets

wooing maidens?
This place so crowded?

Time.
No, my friend.

The post-biological clock
is ticking.

Wake up and listen.

Wait, ticking?

Yeah.

So loud, you can hear it where
your heartbeat used to be.

How much time do we have?

It's like life.
Nobody knows,

and everybody gets
a different amount.

What happens
if we strike out?

I'll just say at least
you won't know

once it's happened to you.
Or care.

Hey!

Scarlett!

Let me in!

Scarlett, where are you?

I need to talk to you.
You lied to me!

I know you can hear me.
Where are you?

Are you listening to me?

Where are you, Scarlett?

Mommy, what's wrong
with Roger?

You hear me?

Come on, bark!
I can bug this dog all day!

Come out here, Scarlett!
I've got to talk to you!

Aaah!
Arf, arf!

It doesn't work
like this, Michael.

You're not supposed
to summon me.

Yeah, well, I'm not gonna
wait for you to just roll up

whenever you're ready.
I need to talk to you.

You have all
the information you need.

Yeah, I do now,
but you lied to me.

Oh, shit!
That was awesome.

You must have owned a car
in your life.

It was her time.

I never said you had
all the time in the world.

No, a lie of omission
is still a lie.

Excuse me, you didn't even

see fit to tell me
that there's a deadline?

You'd have done things
differently?

Uh, yeah, I would have done

just about everything
differently, and you know it.

That's why I didn't tell you.

It's easier if you focus
on the search and nothing more.

That's how it works.

So I suggest you get on
with it as best you can.

Okay, okay,
so what exactly happens

if I don't find a soul mate?
What, do I burn in hell?

Don't be childish.

I'll be with you in a moment.

Then what?

Nothing, nothing at all.

Nothing?
Then what's the point?

What's the point of anything?

Nothing happens.
You cease to exist,

and the world goes on
without you as always.

I mean, how do I know
someone's my soul mate

if I've never been to Venezuela
or Singapore or Queens?

Once I write the ticket,
I'm not allowed to void it.

You can fight it
with the info on the back.

Once I write the ticket,
I'm not allowed to void it.

You can write it...

You meet a girl,
fall in love.

It's that simple.

How am I supposed
to meet a girl?

Life is like that, isn't it?

Full of complications,
no explanations.

Death is too, only more so.

Life is easier,
but you couldn't make it work,

so you have a second chance.

One last second chance,

and you're complaining
about it?

Well, it's meaningless
and arbitrary.

No.
It makes allowances for magic.

Magic?
Are you fucking shitting me?

The point is to meet someone

who sparks something
within you.

Two become one.

Only paired souls progress.

Love allows you to spend
forever with someone.

That is what love is.

Okay, so then what happens
to the single losers?

They spend eternity
not existing.

You both have to fall in love,
or nothing.

It's hardly fair.

Little secret.

The universe is not fair.
It's just big.

Okay, I don't get how
the universe supposedly knows

and decides the difference.

The universe
doesn't decide anything.

Love just is, and its existence
causes a reaction.

It's like life or pregnancy.
It is or it isn't.

No one decides anything.

Am I getting on your nerves?

Well, you do ask
a lot of questions.

I have a lot of questions.

Who did you ask
before you met me?

Is there any way he can
see me for just five minutes?

It's not that simple.

Right.
That's what I'm saying.

Can you hear me?

I know, but I'm telling you,
I can get you any of it.

Right, right.

I'm sitting on a ton of stuff:

tapes, monologues,
whatever you can sell.

Yeah, sure.

Well, this all goes cold
when the body does,

so I'm looking at all offers.

'Course the one-man show
is closed.

He's in the ground.
It's a one-man show.

Yeah.
He wrote it, he directed it.

I'm the one
sitting on the pile of gold.

No, I'm not saying
he was famous.

He wasn't James Dean,
but neither was James Dean

until he got in the Porsche.

All right, who have you
got in mind?

What would that take,
between you and me?

No, no, I agree.
He's a terrific actor.

He would be perfect
if he's interested.

You recast my show
before I'm even cold?

You're not serious.

I so wish I could piss
in that right now.

Yeah, we wait two weeks
just for appearances,

then we announce.

Four weeks
if you feel feelings.

Yeah, get the wheels in motion,
or somebody else will.

Yeah, all right.
Bye.

Get me Amy on the phone, Pam.

What the hell?
You've got to be kidding me!

Amy, hey.

Nice. I knew
I'd find you here.

If you're waiting for me
to act all embarrassed,

you might want
to pull up a comfy chair.

It's gonna be a while.

My sense of shame died
when I did.

So tell me about the rules.

You've got to be kidding me.

How's this for a rule?

If there really is eternal life
and you can't just sit here

and enjoy your invisibility,

then you're not gonna want
to be part of it anyway.

No, no, I'm talking about
the rules about what we can

and cannot do
and how long we have

and what we got to do
to make it all work

to... you know, to go on.

Bro, are you seeing all this?

Angelo, I don't have
time to...

Jesus.

He's not here right now.

Oh, yeah, Jesus.

I am not afraid of you.

Oh my God, I cannot stop
staring at that ass.

It's like a magnetic force.

Black hole
just sucking in all the light.

Yeah, there's a black hole
all right.

I bet you can hear the ocean
in that thing.

Okay, that's a little gross.

Okay, I'm starting
to get a feel

of why you're still here,
Angelo.

I'll tell you the only thing

I've learned here
so far if you want.

All right, yeah.
Yeah, I'll take that, shoot.

It's bigger than it sounds.

Yeah, that's what she said.

No, come on, shoot.

We're actors, Michael,
artists.

I mean, the world
may remember us or miss us

and may be glad
that we were here,

but it isn't gonna ever
really need us for anything.

I'm not sure I need
to go to the other side.

You sure you do?

I didn't know we had
to be needed

any more than a fireman
or a plumber or a fish

does to be in an afterlife.

I'd like to try anyway, right?

Well, knock yourself out.

Me, I'm gonna spend
my last days

watching that chick's ass
clench and unclench

as she brushes her hair
all day.

I win.

Yeah, I mean,
I guess while I'm here,

why not just stick around
for a while, right?

Seriously, man.

Where else've got to go?

Who else you got left?

That's so weird.

So all the little critters
can see the dead?

I do not get the rules
of this shit yet.

They said I could go anywhere
in the world that I wanted.

Money's no object now,
not worth a dime.

Even a dime isn't worth
a dime now.

I'm a dime that's not worth
ten cents anymore.

There's nothing between me

and the vastness
of all eternity at this point.

Time finally feels finite
for me,

but I guess it always was.

And yet,
I sit, and I waste time.

So which is better?

Savoring it in the sunshine,
or working my ass off

for a goal
I may never reach anyway?

Is a dog smart for laying
in the sun for all its days,

or does he really just lick
his balls because he can?

That's the question, right?

Oh, God, I hope
they can't hear my thoughts.

Okay, whoever
or whatever you are,

you want to allow for magic?

Well, I'm gonna walk
in a random direction

and go to the first place
that I see.

I don't care
if it's a freaking Taco Bell.

Heads East Side,
tails West Side.

Heads.

God.

Shit, you're not dead.
Great.

That's your opening line?

Excuse me?

You can hear me and see me?

What were you looking for?

Uh, I was just looking
to meet a girl.

Any girl?

I guess so.

Well, they don't see you,
but I can.

- Okay, you're confusing me.
- I know.

You've got that faraway look
in your eyes.

Like a...

Like a dog humping a leg.

So...

You know I'm dead,

but you don't seem surprised.

I mean, how can you see me?

Well...

I guess
I'm very intuitive.

I've been seeing this stuff
a lot lately.

Why are you here?

Well, I died
alone, apparently.

Why did you die alone?

I was picky, really picky.

Yeah, I was single a lot.

Weren't you lonely?

I was.
Yes, I was lonely.

And why are you still alone?

You know, I could ask you
the same question.

Well, you could, but I'm not
the one who's dead.

But you are alone.
I mean...

Why are you alone today,
for instance?

Because my friend Faith
is always late.

She's probably gonna text me
any second

to say she can't make it,
because she always does that.

Yeah, but if she wasn't late,

I mean,
you would have never met me.

True.

Wow.
You can see me.

Okay, what else do you see?

I see you, and I see

shifty little flickers
of people

in the corner of my eyes.

Wow.
I mean, that's lucky.

You're lucky.

I mean, I didn't see
any of that when I was alive.

I don't know if it's lucky.

I mean, maybe, maybe.
Or maybe I'm cursed.

You know how people say
you find someone

when you stop looking?

Well, that means
I'm officially screwed,

because if I don't find anyone,
I am gone eternally.

I mean,
I can never stop looking.

Can you find a way
to stop looking?

Okay, well, how do I do that?

Well, maybe think
about something else?

Like what?

I don't know.
Like...

Do you like baseball?

I love baseball.
You?

- Of course not.
- That figures.

You're good at this.

So, I guess
we're not soul mates,

or else we'd be whisked away
into the sky

or something like that?

Yeah, we're not soul mates.
Sorry, it's not gonna work.

What, you think even
the universe

thinks you're too good for me?

Well, because I'm alive
and you're dead.

Yeah.

Be right back.

Ugh.

Either somebody's
fucking with you,

or you really do have
the worst luck.

Couldn't meet a nice dead girl
like normal people.

All right.

Such a New York cliché,

spending the afterlife
haunting dive bars.

Yeah, no, I'm just trying
to think this all through.

- You think too much.
- Really?

Yeah.

Why don't you focus
on what you're here for?

I just don't get it.
I mean, why can you hear me?

Why can you see me?
Why do you understand this?

I don't get it either,
trust me.

I've just been seeing
this stuff a lot lately.

I see it fleetingly.

But, believe it or not,
I've never struck up

a conversation
with one of you before.

Yeah, but...
I just...

You don't seem like the kind
of woman

who would be alone, either.

I mean, it just
doesn't make sense.

You mean, like,
what's wrong with me?

Yeah, yeah.
What's wrong with you?

Well, maybe I'm alone
because I'm picky.

And I'm picky because I'm
looking for something magical.

And I'm...

I'm kind of,
sort of... being stalked.

Come again?

By who?

Who?
This guy...

His name's Patrick.

And all I ever did
was have dinner with him once,

and I told him
I didn't want to be with him.

He said that he could wait
for me,

and he sends me weird emails,

watches me from a distance,
follows me everywhere I go.

He makes every guy
I talk to uncomfortable.

Yeah.

I'm getting uncomfortable
just hearing this.

I mean, why did you have dinner
with him in the first place?

Because he was my boss
at the time,

and he was nice
in the beginning.

I can understand
that, I guess.

Okay, so, where is he?
Is he here?

No, I hope not.

I managed to lose him
in the subway.

Anyway, can we talk
about something else?

Sure, okay.
I know guys like that.

I always try to not be one.
You know?

I walk away if I buy a girl
a drink, you know?

Because I don't want to be
the kind of guy that thinks

that the girl necessarily wants
to talk to him all night

just because he's being polite.

You know, I buy her a drink.

Doesn't mean you owe me one.

Doesn't mean I'm in.

You're such a hero.

Ah, what a time
to find myself dead.

You know, I was even late
for my own funeral.

My dad always says
I have natural bad timing.

That's really nice,
but I don't understand you.

I know.

I'm Michael.
What's your name?

Honey Bee.

Okay, if you don't want
to tell me,

you can just say so.
I know we just met.

You don't believe me?

I don't believe you.

You want to see
my birth certificate?

You know what?

Actually, I was gonna guess
that name.

Oh, yeah?

Did you have a crazy nickname
growing up

like "Lisa" or "Susan"?

No.

So, everybody calls you
"Honey Bee"?

Honey Bee.

I mean, my mom
calls me "honey" or "bee."

And my dad calls me "HB."

So your parents were WASPs?

Bad joke.

Terrible joke.

Sorry.

What do you do, Honey Bee?

Uff, I hate that question.

What?
Come on, I'm dead.

What, am I gonna judge you?

What about you?
What did you do?

Most of the time,
I was an actor,

and I spent years developing
this one-man show.

Don't laugh, okay?

It was gonna be,
like, the first non-shitty one

in like forever, okay.
And it was...

It was gonna open soon.

I was also a waiter.

Yeah, because that's the law
for actors.

Why don't you want to talk
about what you do?

Because it's...

another New York cliché.

Nah, come on.
Hit me.

Well, basically,
I do three things.

I work at an office.

I, uh...

No, sorry.
Just kidding.

That's not nice!

It's a joke,
another bad joke.

The worst joke ever.
It's the worst joke ever.

Never mind,
what else did you do?

I'm a dog walker.
I walk dogs.

- Oh.
- Okay?

I even walked
David Bowie's dogs once.

- No.
- Yeah, now you're interested.

- I am interested.
- Yeah.

- What was his name?
- His name was Mickey.

He was really ugly, ugly dog.

Wow.
So, you work in an office

- and you walk dogs?
- Yeah.

- What else do you do?
- And I do...

That I do it on the side.

I don't really make
a living right now out of it.

- Well...
- I'm a photographer.

That's my passion.

Okay, so you know what?

To me, you're a photographer
that walks dogs.

Yeah, exactly.

My friend
just canceled on me.

I mean, she's not coming.

Do you want to...

Do you want to...

get out of here?

Yeah...

I hope you don't mean that
as a euphemism,

because I will
severely disappoint you.

Come on, let me show you
something amazing.

Got to admit, I expected
Eiffel Tower,

pyramids, Taj Mahal.

- You want to try it?
- Ha, yeah.

Would if I could.

Guess that's easy
to say, right?

You?

No way.

What if I fall and there's
no one there to catch me?

That's what the net's for.

You never know if anyone's
gonna be there to catch you.

I mean, pfft.
That's life, girl.

You're a little cynical,
aren't you?

Yeah, you see how optimistic
you are when you're dead.

You know what?
Scratch that.

That sounded way better
in my head.

I'm sure.

Did you ever jump out
of an airplane?

No, no.

I always figured
I would, though, you know?

I've been killed by a truck.

That's got to be, like,
half credit, right?

You?

Never.

Would've been nice
to do it with you.

Scratch that, sounded
way better in my head.

Why me?

I don't know.
Why not?

You want to get out of here?

I mean, unless one
of these guys falls,

I think we've seen
all this has to offer.

Are you worried
a new dead guy will show up

- and sweep me off my feet?
- Yeah, a little.

That net looks flimsy,
like it could dice someone.

Come on, take a walk?

Take a walk.

Take a walk.

Hey, look.

There goes "stressing out about
her yoga relaxation seminar."

She doesn't seem
really stressed out.

She seems, like, mad.

Everybody's stressed out
in New York.

- Are you stressed out?
- Not anymore.

I'm hungry.
Are you hungry?

I think you're amazing,

but I can't take you out
to dinner

or back to my place
or any place.

I don't really have a place.

So where do you live?

Everywhere and nowhere.

Hey, um...

Have you ever been married?

That's a pretty
straightforward question.

Well, I'm a straightforward
kind of guy.

Well, I've been close enough
to know I'm not really a fan.

- You?
- Same, yeah.

It's really dark in here.
Probably get mugged.

And I can't help you.

Sorry.

Bad joke.

- Anyways...
- Horrible joke.

What kind of music do you like?

Oh, good question.

I like everything
from hard rock to folk.

I like anything rich
with feeling.

Genuine, true.

I like it raw.
How about you?

Oh, I'm the opposite.
Zero feeling whatsoever.

Oh, you're joking, okay.
Ha, ha, I get it.

- "Ha, ha"!
- I get it.

What kind of answer is that?
Come on.

What, you want a list?

Yeah, of course
I want a list.

Okay, okay.
I like Beatles, Stones, Dylan.

- I love Dylan.
- Ramones, Marilyn Manson.

- Marilyn Manson?
- Yeah, Joni, Johnny Cash.

How about you?

The Beatles.

- Is that it?
- Yep.

To me, everything comes
back to the Beatles.

All right.
Guess that's all you need.

Hey, look.

Dakota Building.

Yes, indeed.

Can you believe Yoko
still lives there?

Like so many years later,

she has to walk
past that tragedy every day.

- It's crazy.
- Yeah, it is crazy.

I never
really thought about it.

Be like if Jackie O had

an apartment
at the Book Depository.

Do you think Yoko's
still the same person she was?

You know, after 30 years,

after losing
the great love of her life?

Of course she is.
Yoko will always be Yoko.

What do you think
she's doing?

What do you mean?
Right now?

Yeah.

I don't know.

Pretty sure
she's doing something amazing.

How does it feel like?

- What, being dead?
- Yeah.

Do you feel like
cold, weightless?

No, no, I don't feel
anything at all.

That's the weird part.
I don't feel anything.

I don't feel hot or cold,
tired, horny.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You know what it's like?

It's like being outside
a giant restaurant window

and watching
everybody else eat.

It's like fucking the world

through three
really thick condoms.

- That's a good image.
- Yeah.

I used to feel so much
when I was alive, you know.

Sometimes life was too much.

It could be love, it could be
happiness, nostalgia.

Feeling someone else's pain,
someone else's sadness.

I could look at a dog
not understand

why it was being spanked,

and that feeling
would overwhelm me, you know?

A D-minor chord could just
make me break down and cry.

You're such a pussy.

And what about now?
Like, you don't feel anything?

Well, right now...

The only thing I can feel
is drunk and way drunker.

And...

I feel something for you.

From you.

What do you feel from me?

Not quite sure.

Trying to put my finger on it.

What would you like
to feel most

if you could choose
to feel anything?

Don't say me.

Okay, don't laugh.

That tingling feeling you get
when someone you love

is thinking
about you from far away.

You know, that connection
when a girl is missing you.

Any girl?

Hey, watch it.

Sorry I made you cross
between those two cars.

Huh? What'd you say?

Where do you live, here?

- Yeah, right here. Fuck.
- What's the matter?

It's him.

Hey, Honey Bee.
I just want to talk.

Patrick, I asked you not
to come here.

It makes me
really uncomfortable.

As you can see,
I'm with someone right now.

Uhh?

I mean, I'm meeting
someone, okay?

- Can I...
- Well, that's totally okay.

I just wanted to talk.

If...

I'm not trying to bother you.
If you just give me a moment.

No, I said no.

Now I'm gonna go inside,

and I'm gonna ask you
to nicely leave me.

You're gonna make me be mean,
and I don't wanna be mean.

There's no need for you
not to be nice.

I was just trying to see
if there might be some way to...

Who is this guy?
Is this the guy?

- I told you about him.
- So who's the guy?

- Is he bothering you?
- Is he bothering you?

Listen, I tried calling.

I just want to have
one conversation, okay?

Yeah, okay, we just did,
so now I'm gonna...

If today isn't good
because I just showed up

then maybe we can talk
tomorrow?

I really think
you misunderstood me,

and I just want a chance
to explain myself.

Patrick, if you show up
at my house again,

you're gonna have a problem.
Just... can I get in?

Can you try seeing it
from where I'm coming from?

I don't care
where you're coming from!

You're gonna make me not nice,
and I don't like that.

- So be nice.
- Don't touch me!

I really want
to clock this guy!

I've never wanted to fist
a face so bad in my life.

Ah, that sounded way better
in my head.

Can you please stop
doing this?

Honestly, like,
you're a nice guy...

I can't.
I told you, I can't give up.

- I understand, I understand.
- Yes, you can! Just walk away!

You affected me.
Okay, I was alone.

I was waiting for years
to feel something for someone

and I felt it for you.
I don't know.

- And I understand.
- And I can't give up on that.

I understand, but I don't
have feelings for you.

So, what do we do now?
I try to be friends with you,

but you don't seem
to understand it.

This started as a friendship,
but it became more.

Well, maybe for you,

but not for me,
and don't touch me, please.

Listen, Honey Bee, you're
being way too nice, all right?

You've got to drop the hammer
on this guy.

Maybe even a table saw,
come on.

- Really?
- Tell him to leave you alone.

- Yell at him, go!
- Really?

Come on, yeah!
Come on.

- Yell?
- Yeah.

Okay.

Patrick, leave me alone.

Could have been
a little harder.

Leave me alone!
Okay?

- There you go.
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

- I hear you.
- No, you don't hear me,

because you're still here,
so get out of here!

But I think I can show you
that you're wrong.

I think we are in love.
I know that we are in love.

We're not in love,
I'm not in love with you.

- We're not...
- If it's this other guy?

Then I can tell you
he is gonna fail you.

No one is gonna love you
like I'm gonna love you.

And if there's something about
me that doesn't measure up

that you don't like,
then I can make it better.

I am incredibly capable
of change.

- I can be better!
- You don't need to change!

Honey Bee, drop a ton of
bricks on this guy, all right?

Tell him to leave you alone.

I don't want to give you
a chance.

Leave me alone.

- Just leave her alone, man.
- Yeah, leave me alone.

We're gonna see
each other again.

Oh, my God.

I know you know it.
I know you feel it.

I see it in your eyes.

There's nothing
for you in my eyes, okay?

Yeah, yeah.

You were my boss, okay?
And I had to fucking leave

my job because of you,
and that's not nice.

I loved my job.

Oh, I hate guys like this!

I want to punch you
in the fucking dick!

- We were working together.
- I'm not nice?

- No, you're not nice.
- You're not nice!

You blew it
right here, right now.

You think you're so special?

I would have done anything
for you,

and you're gonna blow it
for some fucking asshole?

He's gonna leave you,

and then you're gonna come
looking for me.

Okay, Michael, come.

- He's gonna leave you!
- Michael!

And then you're
gonna come looking for me!

Jesus.

You know, you don't
have to live with that dickhead

just showing up
at your apartment

whenever he feels like it,
right?

Easy to say.
What's your solution?

Ah, I don't know.

Maybe those people
they call cops?

Oh, yeah?
And what do I say?

He hasn't hurt me
or threatened me, really.

You know?

How about you have
a friend talk to him?

You guys have
any mutual friends?

Well, does he seem like
he has friends to you?

Okay, well.

I can put a scare into him.

Oh, yeah?
And what are you gonna do?

Like, whisper spooky things
in his ear?

Okay, you know.
It's worth a try.

You know, it worked on you.

Come on, we've got
to do something.

Trust me, I've been
pretty blunt.

I know you think
you're being blunt,

but guys like that...

they need a freight train
right between the eyes.

I mean, guys like that
are thick as bricks.

Wait, are...

Do you really want him
to leave you alone?

What?

Some people like
that unhealthy attention.

You know?
Maybe you're preserving

some illusion for him.

What are you trying to say?

Are you trying to say
that I actually like him...

No, I don't want
to assume anything.

Maybe you have
feelings for him.

Maybe you don't want
to hurt my feelings.

Because I feel
something for him?

It could happen.

Yeah.

Are you jealous?

I think you're jealous.
You're jealous.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

That just sounded
way better in my head.

Apologize again.

Say sorry again.

Sorry.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Want to see my room?

Sure.

I would love to
make you dinner.

I'd love to eat it
if I could.

You know, you can eat
in front of me.

I don't mind.

It's okay.

You must be hungry.

I'm fine.

They say the universe shrinks
down to the size of two people

when they make love
for the first time.

Where'd you hear that?
Who says that?

Well, the entire universe
says it.

It holds its breath
to see what happens.

- What happens?
- New life or tragedy.

I don't think the universe
knows what tragedy is.

I mean, it laughs
and stares blankly

as a million tragedies
happen every second.

Galaxies collide without anyone
ever blinking, sorry.

I think you're wrong.
You can feel it when happens.

It holds its breath while fate
decides what happens next.

I think that's
what an orgasm is.

You must have weird orgasms.

Well at least I have orgasms.

Good point.

I'm sorry we can't even touch.

Well, maybe yearning is
way hotter than having it

whenever you want it.

Okay, now who told you that?
Because that is so not true.

Well, maybe it's true to me.

And you don't want to be
with someone

who you can make love with
someday?

I'm happy with you.

What we're doing is crazy.

I'm about the most fucked-up
guy you could bet on,

and life with me
just doesn't make any sense.

I know.

You're a ghost,
you're an alcoholic,

and you've got bad jokes.

And yet here I am.

Here you are.

I just saw my parents.

They were taking my clothes
out of my apartment here.

It was like watching a movie.

I wasn't there,
and they were talking about me.

But I could feel everything
that they felt.

But it just goes on.

I died, and everything
just goes on.

New York doesn't stop.

How about your parents?
Close?

I'm very close to my mom.

How is it you're dead and you
still have this apartment?

My family owns the building

and they're not too aggressive
about renting it just yet.

But also, fifth floor walk-up
is not the most popular item

and probably what
killed my out-of-shape ass,

come to think.

Where would you take a girl
on a date

if it was the last night
of your life?

For a long ride on my face.

No, no, I need you to be
serious for a minute.

I'm dead serious.
My face.

Or maybe Nobu.

Either one gets me laid.

All right.
You're not helping, okay?

I met this girl.

Yeah, and I really feel
like she's the one.

You know?
She's everything.

She's this beautiful,
amazing, rare creature, and...

I don't even know
why we haven't been whisked up

into the sky,
or whatever happens.

I mean, I think
she feels it for me too.

Well, it means
it's not true love,

at least for one of you.
One of you is not feeling love.

If you really were
a match made in...

you know what I mean,

then you'd both be gone.
Whoosh.

For some reason,
you don't match the criteria.

I mean, whatever that is.

No, no, no.

If we both feel it...
I mean, alive or not,

isn't that it?
I mean, who's to say?

Not me or you.
That much we know.

Now, I've made
an entire lifetime

full of mistakes,

and this does not feel like
one of them, all right?

What about you, huh?

Don't you care
about your future?

I mean, you literally have
nothing to lose by trying.

You're just gonna give up
by accepting fate?

Bro, you're asking me
about the mysteries of life

and I got a GED.

I'm just looking
to wait it all out

here in the comfort
of my own room

with my two best pals,
Bud and Jack.

I mean, what's the point?

I'm sick of playing
the musical chairs game

that never gives me a chair.
Why should I play?

I've been alone till now,
so what's the difference?

Well, now you'll cease
to exist

if you don't meet someone.

Well, that was always true,
if you think about it.

How's this different?

I mean, now it's for sure.
Before, we all just assumed it.

Well, now you just have
so much more to gain.

Like what?

Like the rest
of your existence.

Eternity.
Whatever that may be.

What, I'm suddenly going
to do better?

I don't get women,

in every sense
of the word "get."

I never have.

What do you mean?
Since when?

- You had plenty of girls.
- Since ever.

What, are you kidding?

Those were whores,

neighborhood chicks
who would suck your balls dry

for a meal anywhere
with real cloth napkins.

No, I fucked chicks.
Don't get me wrong.

I'm not a virgin.

I've just stayed out
of entanglements all along.

And now I'm not getting
any younger or older either.

And I'm gonna cease to exist
any fucking minute.

I mean, you know, what girl
wants to deal with that?

Nothing like the smell
of desperation

to dry up the old banana hole.
You know what I mean?

You're a poet.

I mean, I'm in no hurry,

but I'm not gonna hold on
with both hands

when that cold hand grips me.

Nope, can't scare me much
if you already killed me once.

No, she seems to love me.

I'm crazy about her.

And if that's not enough,
I'm gonna make it enough.

All right? Fuck them.
Who are they to say?

You tell them, chief.
Go get 'em.

And do... I don't know.
Whatever you kids do.

I'm just hoping
on my next go-around,

I come back
as a huge handsome dildo.

I know you will, my friend.

Just be aware that she might
be sending you mixed signals.

I mean, for whatever reason,
universe isn't buying it yet.

Well, how am I
supposed to win?

Oh, bro.

Are you still trying to win?

Don't you know that women
are the Kobayashi Maru test?

Pardon me?

Didn't you see
"Star Trek II"?

Yeah, but I don't know what
the fuck you're talking about.

You remember the beginning?

It's not meant to be something
you can win.

It's a test of character.

What?

Relationships are
the "Kobayashi Maru" test

in life.

You can't win.

You can't keep from losing.
Nobody expects you to.

It's just a measure
of your character.

Meet this guy.

So, Michael,
this is my friend Faith.

and Faith, this is my newly
deceased friend Michael.

Wait...
Come again?

Honey Bee, you know
she can't see me.

So what?

I just wanted you
to meet my friend.

I am missing
Pilates for this?

She's just gonna think
you're losing it.

I'm not losing it.

I am pretty sure that you
are, in fact, losing it, Bee.

See?

I mean, how is she gonna
believe that I'm really here?

Just do something.

- Do something?
- Yeah, come on.

Do something, show her
that I'm not batshit crazy.

Oh, okay.

- Okay, so...
- Margaritas?

Oh, thank God.

I ordered margaritas.
I think you should have one.

Thank you.

See?

I can't believe
I just did that.

So, huh?

- I need a cigarette.
- Now you believe me.

Mm.

What are you doing?
You can't smoke here.

Don't worry, it's fine.

Cheers.

Yeah, I know.

Don't worry about it.

And I know the guy
who owns this place, so...

Did you just drink
my margarita?

He did.

- Okay.
- Yeah?

- What the fuck?
- Now you believe me.

That is a good trick,

but this means now I have
to order another one

and drink yours.
Two more margs, please.

- Oh, that sounds good.
- So, am I crazy?

Yes, sure, fine.
I believe you.

- But can you please tell...
- Thank you.

That guy to stay away
from my alcohol?

Please stay away
from her drinks.

Okay, fine.
Okay.

So, tell me
about yourself, Faith.

He wants to know
about yourself.

What does he look like?

- Oh, he has blue eyes.
- Green.

Green.
He has brown hair.

And he's around...
how old are you?

- 40s, but I play 30s.
- He looks, yeah.

- Okay?
- Really, you play 30?

- Sometimes.
- Calm down.

Okay, so...

what does he do?
What...

What did he do,
because he's dead.

Dead, he is deceased.
That's right.

Oh, I totally forgot
about that.

- Yeah, I'm dead.
- He doesn't have a job.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, what do I do?
not a whole lot.

I'm fucking dead, so I'm
an extremely out-of-work actor.

- He's an actor.
- Have I seen him in anything?

- Actors hate that question.
- Where can we see you?

I was a promising
older, younger actor.

I did a lot of small roles.

I did a pilot
that never went anywhere.

I did a lot of theater...

So, he's still
talking right now?

And I had
a really well-reviewed

one-man show
that was in previews.

No.

No?

So, dead, out-of-work actor
who hasn't been in anything.

Promising, out-of-work,
dead actor.

Does he have any single dead
brothers that I can date?

Do you have any single
dead brothers?

She's funny.
I like her.

Thank you very much.

Oh, God.

Wait a minute.

Well, you are
a special actor.

Honey Bee.

I've got to go.

So, he's nice, right?

I'm worried about you.

The whole thing just makes me
a little uncomfortable.

We're not
ripping him off, Craig.

It's honoring his memory.

It won't be his show,

it'll be your show,
presented by me in his memory.

This fucking guy, Jay?

You gave my show
to this fucking guy?

- It's like we're honoring him.
- Howdy fucking Doody?

- It needs work.
- God dammit!

I thought we were friends!

I want to change
some lines, of course.

I gonna make some changes
to your fucking head, you fuck.

I think I could fix it up
a little bit, though.

I want to skull fuck
your fucking ear, you dick.

I know you can.

Get out!

Maybe the ending too.

Shit, okay.
You fucking heard me.

Get the fuck out!

- Out!
- You know what?

Give me a second here
if you can.

I'm just...

Ha, ha, ha!

Ha!

Fuck you, Jay!

Cheers, motherfuckers.

Where'd she go?

You scared her.

I have that effect.

Well, that went well.

Yeah, I thought so.

She's great.

She is.

A pain in the ass.

Why are you looking
at me like that?

You okay?
What's wrong?

I've got to go.

Scarlett?
Jah!

You look like
you've seen a ghost.

All right.
What does it mean

if someone alive
fades in and out?

What do you mean?

Well, I found a girl.
All right?

And I've got to tell you,
I really feel it,

but there's no "whoosh."
There's no big... thing.

But she can see me,
and she can hear me.

But she fades in and out
every now and again.

She's alive, but she shimmers
like a dead person.

I mean, what does that mean?

It means she's going
to die soon,

very soon.

Normally, it's not possible
to bond with someone

who's on the other side
of the line, but she's close,

very close.

What?
How's that supposed to be?

Might be good news for you.

That she's gonna die?
No, I can't let her die.

But death isn't the end.
You know that.

It's how you met her
in the first place.

She's close to the edge,
so she can glimpse over.

So I have to let
something terrible happen

to a healthy young woman

so I can hope that it means
we work out for each other?

I mean, she's young.
She still has her whole life.

But maybe she's supposed to
follow you to the other side.

Or maybe not.
It's really not up to us, so...

So, I have to find
a soul mate,

and you're telling me
it's all fate and destiny

and free will and magic
and all that bullshit,

but you're saying we can't
do anything about this?

That's a stupid answer.

Well, it is the answer.

Is there anyone
in the afterlife

who's good at their job?

There you are.

Pick up.

Hi, you've reached Honey
Bee.

- I can't come to the phone.
- Ugh! Pick up.

Leave a message, bye.

Oh, hi, Honey Bee.

I was trying to reach you,
been trying all day.

I know you asked me
not to call.

So I thought I'd just call?

So maybe you could
call me back, you know?

I mean, if you don't mind.

I know you know my number.

Au revoir.

God, you are such
a douchebag!

Where are you going now,
you fucking dipshit?

I wish I could fart right now.

Fuck.

Hello.

Patrick?
Dammit, I told you that...

Oh, my God.

What the fuck!

Why the fuck did you do that?

Who the hell was that?

Is anybody here?

Help!

No.
No.

Bro!
I got the most amazing news.

What?

I met someone.
I wasn't even looking.

I was actively not looking.
I was avoiding, in fact.

I'm hanging out in the
bathroom, watching ladies pee.

Next thing I know, I meet
the most amazing dead girl.

Nice.

But she wasn't peeing.
She was just hanging out.

And I know what you thinking,

and but she's not a dyke
or anything, you know.

She was just catching
a moment alone,

and there I was.

That's great, Angelo!
I've got to go.

Wait, wait, wait.
Don't you get it, man?

It's real.
It's possible.

I mean,
the joke's not on us after all.

I thought I had no hope.
I thought there was no hope.

And then I turn around,
and there she is.

Hey, Angelo,
I'm proud of you, all right?

But I got something really
important I got to go do.

Yeah, yeah, listen.
Me too, man.

This means I get to go.

Look, I mean, nothing's
happened yet, but I think soon.

I got to meet her in
a few hours back at the can,

but I think something
good's gonna...

Oh, no, man.

- Angelo?
- Now?

- Oh, man.
- What is it?

No.

No, man.
No.

Angelo?

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

How do I know what to do?

Oh.

No.
No, not yet.

Hi.

Please, don't ever do that
to me again, okay?

Oh, God.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It's just me, okay?

I just need to talk to you.

I tried knocking, but...

It's okay.
Tell me.

I need you to go.

Yeah, I need you
to get out of town.

Something bad is
gonna happen,

and I just need you
to not be here.

What are you talking about?

Well, your life is in danger.

Just...
Can you just trust me?

I trust you, but if you don't
tell me what's going on,

how am I supposed to...

I need you to leave.
You can go.

I mean, this is all...

There's nothing here
that you need to hold on to.

I can't just pack up
and leave, I don't...

Yes, you can!

People always think that
they can't leave, but they can.

Okay?
Yeah.

All of this
is just stuff.

Your job is just work.

Okay?
I'm talking about your life.

- None of this is important!
- That's insulting.

I don't understand
what you're saying, I mean...

We just act like there's
a tornado,

and you don't want to be
that old lady

going back to her trailer
for a scrapbook and a parakeet.

Huh?
Come on, let's pack up and go.

Could you please tell me

- what's going on?
- Do you have a suitcase?

What could be
so fucking important?

Huh?

What is it?
Please leave.

No, I'm not leaving.

If you don't tell me what's
going on, I'm not leaving.

Agh!
Okay, how about this?

Let's flip a coin.

Heads, you do what I say.

Tails, you can stay here
as long as you want.

Okay?
That's fair, right?

Just go away.

Just go far away
and don't tell another soul,

for lack of a better word,
where you're going, okay?

Just go nowhere.
Any nowhere but here.

I'll take care of everything.

What are you gonna do?

You can barely move
a Dixie cup.

Just keep packing.

Don't worry, I'll find you.

I'll let you know when it's
safe to come back, okay?

I just need to keep going
and stay off your phone.

- Where are you gonna go?
- I don't know,

but I just got
to do something, okay?

Your life is more important
than you understand.

You can't understand it.

You're still alive.

What makes you so sure you
know more about life now?

Because... because
it's different now, okay?

I need to protect you.

I meet a girl,
and I can't just let her go.

Any girl?

I've got to go.

You've got to go.
Okay?

I'll fix everything!

Where am I going?

Just go!
Anywhere!

I have always loved you.

I will never love anyone
like I love you.

And no one will ever love you
like I love you now.

Now the end has finally come.

And now we ride off
into the sun.

Hi, you've reached
Honey Bee.

I can't talk
on the phone right now.

Taxi!

Hi, you've reached...

Listen, Michael said I had
to leave town.

- I'm not gonna be...
- No, are you crazy?

You can't leave town right now.

What, for someone
you barely can even see?

- I don't know.
- What is your imaginary pal

gonna tell you to do next?

You're usually
a very rational person.

Well, have you ever known me
to be irrational?

Most of the time,
yes, you are, but...

Well, doesn't that tell you
that I've seen some shit?

Or you think that
you've seen some shit.

Okay, I'll call you back.
Bye.

Scarlett.
Scarlett!

You can't do this, Michael.

This isn't gonna work out
for you the way you want it to.

If you're not
gonna help me,

then at least just stay
out of my way, okay?

You can't change destiny.

Frankly, Scarlett,
I don't give a fuck.

We need to talk, Michael.

No, you need to talk.
I need to run.

Honey Bee!
Honey Bee!

Wait, wait!

What are you doing here?

I need you to come
with me, okay?

Please, just don't
be here, okay?

- Is this even real?
- You know I'm real, okay?

And I just need you
to not leave right now.

I know I told you to run away,
but I...

I need to talk to you
one more time.

Talk to me about what?
I don't understand.

I need to tell you something.
I need to...

I wanted to say...

Please.

I wanted to say goodbye.

No, no.
Not goodbye.

No, just come with me, please.
Just...

I need you to not be here
if this is where it happens.

Just do not be
where you're expected.

Please, I don't have any time!

I don't understand.

I don't have any time
to explain!

Explain what?

I love you.

Yeah, you.

I know it.

I know it because I love you

without any of the stuff
that I thought mattered.

I think you love me too.

And I don't want to leave here
unless I hear it.

Something bad
is gonna happen.

And I need to stop it.

I'm sure as fuck gonna try,

because I don't want to live
without you.

The only thing
I have to lose is you.

If saving you here means I lose
you forever, I don't care!

Because you need to live,

even if I don't get
to share it with you.

You have the entire world,

and I only have you.

But I love you.

I do.

I love you.

I love you.

Michael, it's time.
Let her go.

You have to come with me.

No.

No, that's not right.

Honey Bee, look at me.

You need to run!
Leave now!

I want to stay with you.

I...

Let her go.

Trust me, go!

No!

This is what
I was warning you about.

So she comes here,
what happens?

Where do I find her?

She died alone, too, right?

If it was going to happen,

it would have happened
right then.

If both of you
had felt complete love,

we wouldn't be
sitting here right now.

It's time.

I'm sorry.
I don't make the rules.

Well, the rules
are obviously wrong.

We loved each other.

You were there.
You heard her.

Okay, she was gonna say it.

That means we move on together.

I need to talk to whoever
makes the rules, okay?

Assemble the fucking committee.
Who do I got to talk to?

- Michael.
- She was willing to die

even if it meant giving up
her life to be with me.

Isn't that enough?

Isn't that enough
for you fuckers?

No.

It's not.

You keep thinking that
it's a vote or a decision,

but it's not.
It's...

It's like a chemical reaction.

Water either becomes steam,
or it doesn't.

We don't vote it
into being steam.

Enough
with the fucking metaphors!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Look...

Can I just see her
one more time?

Is that too much to ask?

Just one more moment
with her, please?

Just one more fucking moment.

- It doesn't work like that.
- Then change how it works!

They're not gonna fire you
for helping out one person.

Okay?
Just please, I'm begging you.

Just...

What are they gonna do,
demote you?

- Please come with me.
- Here.

- Michael.
- Here, here.

No, here.

If it's tails, I'll drop it.
I'll leave you alone about it.

Would you please
come with me?

You're telling me it's all
a coin flip anyway.

That fate's random.

You turn left,
you meet the person

you're supposed to spend
eternity with.

You turn right, I've got
to follow you to some office

or wherever you're taking me.

Just let me flip it again.

I'm just asking for one minute.

One 60-second moment
of eternity,

and you can't spare that?

Okay, I never believed in
a goddamn thing my whole life,

and now, of all things,
I find out that love is real

and you're telling me
it doesn't...

because I can't prove it
to your satisfaction?

- What is that?
- Michael.

Wait, wait.
Please.

Whatever you're gonna say,
just stop, okay.

Before you were this person,
before you had this job,

when you were a real
fucking human being...

Michael, we don't have
time for this.

Can't you just...

Can't the universe spare
just one last goodbye?

Just please come with me.

I love you too.

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull