All language subtitles for The Vicar of Dibley (1994) - S00E08 - Christmas Specials 2004꞉ Merry Christmas (576p DVD x265 Ghost).srt - eng(2)

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,181 --> 00:00:07,284 ♪ THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL NOT WANT ♪ 2 00:00:07,286 --> 00:00:13,358 ♪ HE MAKETH ME TO LIE DOWN IN GREEN PASTURES ♪ 3 00:00:13,360 --> 00:00:19,231 ♪ HE LEADETH ME ♪ 4 00:00:19,233 --> 00:00:24,871 ♪ BESIDE STILL WATERS ♪ 5 00:00:27,877 --> 00:00:32,315 ♪ STILL WATERS ♪ 6 00:00:34,819 --> 00:00:36,185 SO TELL ME, JIM... 7 00:00:36,187 --> 00:00:38,087 WHO DO YOU THINK IS THE GREATEST 8 00:00:38,089 --> 00:00:39,689 POP GROUP OF ALL TIME? 9 00:00:39,691 --> 00:00:42,192 NO--NO--NO... 10 00:00:42,194 --> 00:00:45,130 NO--NO-- NOLAN SISTERS. 11 00:00:45,132 --> 00:00:50,202 I AGREE. THE SCINTILLATING SISTERS OF SIN. 12 00:00:50,204 --> 00:00:52,572 AND THE GREATEST ALL-ROUND ENTERTAINER? 13 00:00:52,574 --> 00:00:53,873 NO--NO--NO--NO-- 14 00:00:53,875 --> 00:00:56,044 NOEL EDMONDS, OBVIOUSLY. 15 00:00:56,046 --> 00:01:00,615 OF COURSE! AND THE GREATEST METAPHYSICAL PHILOSOPHER? 16 00:01:00,617 --> 00:01:05,020 NO--NO--NO--NO BLOODY IDEA AT ALL. 17 00:01:06,058 --> 00:01:07,390 SORRY WE'RE LATE. 18 00:01:07,392 --> 00:01:10,127 FAMILY BUSINESS TO ATTEND TO. 19 00:01:10,129 --> 00:01:13,432 RIGHT. ITEM ONE. 20 00:01:13,434 --> 00:01:14,732 WHAT FAMILY BUSINESS? 21 00:01:14,734 --> 00:01:17,936 FATHER'S PUT THE HOUSE IN MY NAME AS A TAX DODGE. 22 00:01:17,938 --> 00:01:21,307 "AS A TAX DODGE." 23 00:01:21,309 --> 00:01:23,910 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THE MEETING HASN'T STARTED. 24 00:01:23,912 --> 00:01:26,547 OH, YES, IT HAS. YOU SAID "ITEM ONE." 25 00:01:26,549 --> 00:01:27,948 AND HUGO SAID, 26 00:01:27,950 --> 00:01:31,152 "FATHER'S PUT THE HOUSE IN MY NAME AS A TAX DODGE." 27 00:01:32,322 --> 00:01:34,156 DO YOU WISH TO SAY ANYTHING ELSE, CHAIRMAN, 28 00:01:34,158 --> 00:01:35,358 BEFORE WE TAKE A VOTE? 29 00:01:35,361 --> 00:01:36,393 TAKE A VOTE ON WHAT? 30 00:01:36,395 --> 00:01:38,728 ON THIS TAX DODGE. 31 00:01:38,730 --> 00:01:41,565 ALL THOSE IN FAVOUR OF THE TAX DODGE? 32 00:01:44,704 --> 00:01:47,206 ALL THOSE AGAINST? 33 00:01:48,542 --> 00:01:51,111 NO, IT IS NOT A TAX DODGE. 34 00:01:51,113 --> 00:01:53,279 IT'S A LEGITIMATE TAX AVOIDANCE MEASURE. 35 00:01:53,281 --> 00:01:58,320 ALL THOSE AGAINST THE LEGITIMATE TAX AVOIDANCE MEASURE? 36 00:02:00,924 --> 00:02:03,692 AND ALL THOSE WHO THINK THE LEGITIMATE TAX AVOIDANCE MEASURE 37 00:02:03,694 --> 00:02:06,629 IS JUST A PONCEY WAY OF SAYING "TAX DODGE" ANYWAY? 38 00:02:11,438 --> 00:02:13,871 ITEM ONE. 39 00:02:13,873 --> 00:02:14,973 SORRY I'M LATE. 40 00:02:14,975 --> 00:02:16,841 I WAS WATCHING A DOCUMENTARY 41 00:02:16,844 --> 00:02:19,412 ABOUT TARA PALMER-TOMKINSON. 42 00:02:19,414 --> 00:02:21,348 I FELL INTO A COMA. HA! 43 00:02:21,350 --> 00:02:22,882 OH, RIGHT. 44 00:02:22,884 --> 00:02:24,584 RIGHT... 45 00:02:24,586 --> 00:02:26,354 AS I WAS SAYING, ITEM ONE. 46 00:02:26,356 --> 00:02:28,289 ACTUALLY, BEFORE ITEM ONE, CHAIRMAN, 47 00:02:28,291 --> 00:02:30,359 CAN I JUST INJECT AN ITEM NAUGHT-POINT-FIVE? 48 00:02:30,361 --> 00:02:32,394 NO. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 49 00:02:32,396 --> 00:02:34,496 I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT, UM, 50 00:02:34,498 --> 00:02:36,433 THIS CHRISTMAS IS SLIGHTLY SPECIAL FOR ME. 51 00:02:36,435 --> 00:02:38,401 UM...DOES ANYONE KNOW WHY? 52 00:02:38,403 --> 00:02:40,637 GOOD GOD, IS CARRY ON CAMPING 53 00:02:40,639 --> 00:02:42,541 GOING TO BE ON THE TELLY? 54 00:02:42,543 --> 00:02:44,443 I DON'T KNOW, JIM, BUT THAT'S NOT IN FACT-- 55 00:02:44,445 --> 00:02:45,610 OH, I KNOW, I KNOW. 56 00:02:45,612 --> 00:02:46,678 OH GOOD, HUGO! 57 00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:48,013 WELL, MY GUESS IS THAT 58 00:02:48,015 --> 00:02:50,816 JESUS IS ACTUALLY GOING TO BE BORN AGAIN, 59 00:02:50,818 --> 00:02:52,652 BUT THIS TIME HE'S GOING TO WHOOP EVERYONE'S ARSE, 60 00:02:52,654 --> 00:02:56,657 AND...TRANSFORM A WORLD OF HATRED INTO A WORLD OF LOVE. 61 00:02:56,659 --> 00:02:58,226 WOW! 62 00:02:58,229 --> 00:03:00,628 THAT IS SLIGHTLY SPECIAL. 63 00:03:00,630 --> 00:03:04,533 YES. JESUS COMING AND CARRY ON CAMPING. 64 00:03:05,637 --> 00:03:08,406 MUST BE THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER. 65 00:03:08,408 --> 00:03:10,608 NO, IT'S NOT JESUS BEING BORN AGAIN, 66 00:03:10,609 --> 00:03:11,942 ALTHOUGH IT WOULD BE FUN TO HAVE SOMEONE NEW 67 00:03:11,944 --> 00:03:13,811 PRESENTING SONGS OF PRAISE. 68 00:03:13,813 --> 00:03:16,748 NO, IT'S SLIGHTLY SPECIAL BECAUSE... 69 00:03:16,750 --> 00:03:20,220 WELL, BECAUSE IT'S MY TENTH ANNIVERSARY IN DIBLEY. 70 00:03:20,222 --> 00:03:22,122 All: OH! 71 00:03:22,124 --> 00:03:25,326 THAT'S NOT AS GOOD AS JESUS COMING BACK. NO. 72 00:03:25,328 --> 00:03:27,294 BUT STILL VERY MOVING. 73 00:03:27,296 --> 00:03:29,264 OH, IN WHAT WAY MOVING, FRANK? 74 00:03:29,267 --> 00:03:30,698 WELL, HERE YOU ARE A WOMAN. 75 00:03:30,701 --> 00:03:32,168 YOU COULD HAVE DONE ANYTHING. 76 00:03:32,170 --> 00:03:34,337 GONE ANYWHERE... 77 00:03:34,339 --> 00:03:35,905 AND YET, YOU CHOSE TO WASTE 78 00:03:35,907 --> 00:03:40,278 THE BEST 10 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE... 79 00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:42,813 STUCK HERE WITH US MORONS. 80 00:03:43,917 --> 00:03:45,451 YES. THANKS FOR THAT. 81 00:03:45,453 --> 00:03:46,818 NO--NO--NO-- 82 00:03:46,820 --> 00:03:47,953 BUT YOU HAVE GIVEN US 83 00:03:47,955 --> 00:03:50,589 SOME GREAT MEMORIES TO CHERISH. 84 00:03:50,592 --> 00:03:51,824 OH, YES. DO YOU REMEMBER THAT TIME 85 00:03:51,826 --> 00:03:53,994 ALICE GAVE BIRTH DURING THE NATIVITY PLAY? 86 00:03:53,996 --> 00:03:55,095 HOW COULD I FORGET? 87 00:03:55,097 --> 00:03:56,830 YOU TRY CUTTING AN UMBILICAL CORD 88 00:03:56,833 --> 00:03:59,434 DURING THE CURTAIN CALL! 89 00:03:59,436 --> 00:04:00,969 AND DO YOU REMEMBER THE TIME 90 00:04:00,971 --> 00:04:03,173 YOU AND I MADE PASSIONATE LOVE 91 00:04:03,175 --> 00:04:05,741 ON THE BILLIARD TABLE IN THE PUB? 92 00:04:05,743 --> 00:04:08,878 NO, JIM, THAT WAS A DREAM. 93 00:04:08,881 --> 00:04:10,881 WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE TIME 94 00:04:10,883 --> 00:04:13,285 YOU DID A POLE DANCE IN MY LIVING ROOM? 95 00:04:13,287 --> 00:04:15,520 ALONGSIDE MOTHER TERESA, 96 00:04:15,522 --> 00:04:17,657 WHO WAS WEARING NOTHING 97 00:04:17,659 --> 00:04:20,494 BUT A SKIMPY BIKINI BOTTOM? 98 00:04:20,496 --> 00:04:22,596 YOU CAN'T SAY THAT WAS A DREAM. 99 00:04:22,598 --> 00:04:24,731 NO, JIM, THAT WAS A NIGHTMARE. 100 00:04:26,168 --> 00:04:27,868 WELL, ONE THING IS CLEAR. 101 00:04:27,870 --> 00:04:29,804 OF COURSE, WE MUST CELEBRATE THE VICAR'S ANNIVERSARY. 102 00:04:29,806 --> 00:04:30,972 Geraldine: THANK YOU. 103 00:04:30,974 --> 00:04:32,208 SO, AND I SAY THIS 104 00:04:32,210 --> 00:04:34,810 WITH EVERY EXPECTATION OF DISASTER, 105 00:04:34,812 --> 00:04:36,946 LET'S HAVE SOME IDEAS FOR THE NEXT MEETING. 106 00:04:36,948 --> 00:04:39,149 Owen: FINE, I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN COME UP WITH. 107 00:04:39,151 --> 00:04:43,921 AND NOW, AT LAST... ITEM ONE. 108 00:04:43,923 --> 00:04:45,490 ACTUALLY, I'VE GOT TO GO, I'M SORRY. 109 00:04:45,492 --> 00:04:47,893 WELL, HANG ON, YOU CAN'T JUST... 110 00:04:47,895 --> 00:04:50,196 GOOD GOD! IT'S MIDNIGHT. 111 00:04:50,198 --> 00:04:51,532 NO, IT ISN'T. IT'S EIGHT O'CLOCK. 112 00:04:51,534 --> 00:04:53,734 YOUR WATCH MUST BE SLOW, SIR. 113 00:04:53,735 --> 00:04:56,104 WHY, WHAT TIME DO YOU MAKE IT? 114 00:04:56,105 --> 00:04:59,742 EIGHT O'CLOCK. MY WATCH MUST BE SLOW AS WELL. 115 00:04:59,743 --> 00:05:02,177 YES, AND MINE. HOME AFTER MIDNIGHT! 116 00:05:02,179 --> 00:05:04,114 ALICE WILL BE FURIOUS! GOOD-BYE, FATHER. 117 00:05:11,791 --> 00:05:14,926 YOU DON'T THINK I'VE WASTED MY LIFE, DO YOU? 118 00:05:14,928 --> 00:05:16,695 OF COURSE NOT. 119 00:05:19,401 --> 00:05:21,167 I HOPE NOT. 120 00:05:25,275 --> 00:05:28,442 I AM TERRIBLY EXCITED TO HEAR ABOUT 121 00:05:28,445 --> 00:05:31,480 YOU CELEBRATING YOUR TENTH BIRTHDAY. 122 00:05:34,885 --> 00:05:36,619 NO, IT'S MY TENTH ANNIVERSARY AS VICAR. 123 00:05:36,621 --> 00:05:38,722 OH RIGHT. DO YOU KNOW, 124 00:05:38,724 --> 00:05:40,557 I THOUGHT HUGO GOT IT WRONG. 125 00:05:40,559 --> 00:05:41,793 I KEPT SAYING, YOU KNOW, 126 00:05:41,794 --> 00:05:43,060 "IF SHE'S ONLY TEN YEARS OLD, 127 00:05:43,062 --> 00:05:44,562 "HOW COME SHE'S GOT BREASTS 128 00:05:44,564 --> 00:05:47,766 THE SIZE OF SAINT PAUL'S CATHEDRAL?" 129 00:05:47,768 --> 00:05:49,535 YOU KNOW, STANDING DIRECTLY NEXT 130 00:05:49,537 --> 00:05:51,771 TO SAINT PAUL'S CATHEDRAL? 131 00:05:51,773 --> 00:05:53,907 YES, IT'S FUNNY HOW THINGS HAVE CHANGED 132 00:05:53,908 --> 00:05:56,577 IN THESE TEN YEARS, ISN'T IT? MM-HMM. 133 00:05:56,579 --> 00:05:59,147 THERE WERE HARDLY ANY FEMALE VICARS THEN. 134 00:05:59,149 --> 00:06:02,116 OH, I WILL NEVER FORGET THE LOOK ON DAVID'S FACE 135 00:06:02,118 --> 00:06:03,185 WHEN HE FIRST SAW ME. 136 00:06:03,186 --> 00:06:05,823 I KNOW. 137 00:06:05,824 --> 00:06:07,157 NO, IT WASN'T QUITE LIKE THAT. 138 00:06:07,159 --> 00:06:08,224 NO, IT WASN'T, WAS IT? NO. 139 00:06:08,227 --> 00:06:09,660 IT WAS MORE SORT OF... 140 00:06:09,662 --> 00:06:12,330 NO, NO... NO, IT-- IT WAS SORT OF... 141 00:06:12,332 --> 00:06:13,331 MMM... 142 00:06:13,333 --> 00:06:14,966 WILL YOU STOP IT, ALICE? ALL RIGHT! 143 00:06:14,968 --> 00:06:17,669 STOP IT! OTHERWISE, I'M GONNA HAVE TO HURT YOU. 144 00:06:17,671 --> 00:06:18,804 OKAY. 145 00:06:18,806 --> 00:06:19,805 IT WAS FUNNY HOW 146 00:06:19,807 --> 00:06:21,641 THE BATTLEGROUNDS HAVE MOVED. 147 00:06:21,643 --> 00:06:24,379 YOU KNOW, THE CHURCHES ARE FULL OF CHICKS, WHICH IS GREAT, 148 00:06:24,381 --> 00:06:27,114 AND NOW WE'RE FIGHTING FOR THE RIGHTS OF VICARS TO BE OPENLY GAY. 149 00:06:27,116 --> 00:06:30,285 I KNOW. PROUDLY HOLDING OUR BANNER HIGH-- 150 00:06:30,287 --> 00:06:32,921 "PACK THE PARISHES WITH POOFS." 151 00:06:37,429 --> 00:06:39,997 IT'S NOT QUITE THE WORDING I WOULD HAVE CHOSEN. 152 00:06:39,999 --> 00:06:41,365 I FOR ONE AM VERY MUCH 153 00:06:41,367 --> 00:06:43,668 IN FAVOUR OF PEOPLE COMING OUT OF THE CUPBOARD. 154 00:06:43,670 --> 00:06:45,771 THE CLOSET. 155 00:06:45,774 --> 00:06:46,905 RIGHT. YEAH. 156 00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:48,974 I MEAN, WHAT A TERRIFYING IDEA. 157 00:06:48,975 --> 00:06:50,743 YOU KNOW, YOU GO TO COLLECT YOUR COAT, 158 00:06:50,745 --> 00:06:52,912 FIRST COLD DAY OF WINTER, 159 00:06:52,915 --> 00:06:54,448 AND STANDING INSIDE THE CLOSET 160 00:06:54,450 --> 00:06:59,921 ARE GRAHAM NORTON, DALE WINTON, AND SIR IAN McKELLAN. 161 00:06:59,923 --> 00:07:02,658 IT'S SO MUCH BETTER THEY COME OUT OF THE CLOSET, 162 00:07:02,660 --> 00:07:04,226 WHERE YOU CAN SEE THEM. 163 00:07:05,864 --> 00:07:07,263 IT'S MADNESS THOUGH, ISN'T IT? 164 00:07:07,264 --> 00:07:09,700 IN MY TWENTIES, I DON'T THINK I MET 165 00:07:09,702 --> 00:07:11,335 A CHURCH OF ENGLAND VICAR WHO WASN'T GAY. 166 00:07:11,337 --> 00:07:13,004 I THOUGHT YOU HAD TO BE GAY TO GET IN. 167 00:07:13,005 --> 00:07:15,740 AND THEN THEY GO AND TRY TO OFFICIALLY APPOINT 168 00:07:15,742 --> 00:07:19,712 JUST ONE OPENLY GAY BISHOP AND IT SPLITS THE CHURCH! 169 00:07:19,714 --> 00:07:22,515 I'M THINKING OF DECLARING MYSELF GAY AS A PROTEST. 170 00:07:22,517 --> 00:07:23,683 YEAH. 171 00:07:23,686 --> 00:07:25,384 HMM HMM HMM. 172 00:07:26,489 --> 00:07:28,957 I MEAN, IF-- IF YOU WERE GAY... 173 00:07:28,959 --> 00:07:31,593 HA! GREAT MINDS THINK ALIKE. 174 00:07:31,595 --> 00:07:35,397 YEAH, NOT ON THIS OCCASION. 175 00:07:35,399 --> 00:07:37,267 BUT JUST IMAGINE, LIKE, ALL THE MEN ARE DEAD, RIGHT? 176 00:07:37,269 --> 00:07:39,235 BECAUSE THEY'VE FOUND OUT THAT FOOTBALL IS POISONOUS, ALL RIGHT? 177 00:07:39,237 --> 00:07:40,671 ALL RIGHT. 178 00:07:40,673 --> 00:07:44,944 SO YOU'VE GOT A CHANCE, RIGHT, TO CHOOSE A GIRL. 179 00:07:44,945 --> 00:07:46,511 SO WHO WOULD YOU PLUMP FOR? 180 00:07:46,513 --> 00:07:48,280 LOTS TO CHOOSE FROM. 181 00:07:48,282 --> 00:07:49,982 YEAH, WELL, HALF THE WORLD'S POPULATION, FRANKLY. 182 00:07:49,984 --> 00:07:52,352 WELL, RIGHT, YEAH. AND EDDIE IZZARD. 183 00:07:52,354 --> 00:07:53,620 YEAH. 184 00:07:53,622 --> 00:07:56,056 ON SOME NIGHTS, YEAH. 185 00:07:56,057 --> 00:07:58,258 LET ME SEE, OH, GOSH... 186 00:07:58,260 --> 00:07:59,794 OH, WAIT A MINUTE. 187 00:07:59,796 --> 00:08:03,032 UM, WHO'S THAT GIRL THAT PRESENTS THAT SPORTS QUIZ? 188 00:08:03,034 --> 00:08:07,505 SHE'S BLONDE, YOU KNOW. A LITTLE BOB HAIR CUT. 189 00:08:07,507 --> 00:08:08,506 WHAT, SUE BARKER? YEAH. 190 00:08:08,508 --> 00:08:11,877 OH. DEFINITELY NOT HER. 191 00:08:11,879 --> 00:08:14,613 THIS IS QUITE AN INTERESTING OPTION, DON'T YOU THINK? 192 00:08:14,616 --> 00:08:18,717 OH... RACHEL HUNTER, PAGE SEVEN AND EIGHT. 193 00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:20,420 ( laughs ) 194 00:08:20,422 --> 00:08:21,588 I THINK THERE'D BE A LOT TO LEARN 195 00:08:21,590 --> 00:08:24,124 AROUND HER CURVES AND CREVICES, DON'T YOU? 196 00:08:24,126 --> 00:08:26,494 MY GOD, LOOK AT THOSE! I KNOW. 197 00:08:26,496 --> 00:08:28,295 AND THAT. YEAH. 198 00:08:28,297 --> 00:08:33,102 STILL, I THINK FIRST, TAKING EVERYTHING INTO ACCOUNT... 199 00:08:33,103 --> 00:08:37,107 I'D PROBABLY HAVE TO GO FOR THE QUEEN. 200 00:08:39,445 --> 00:08:41,879 YOU'D LIKE TO SLEEP WITH THE QUEEN? 201 00:08:41,881 --> 00:08:43,480 NO, NOT PARTICULARLY, 202 00:08:43,482 --> 00:08:45,017 BUT, I MEAN, IT'D BE SO GREAT 203 00:08:45,018 --> 00:08:47,519 TO SLIP INTO CONVERSATION, WOULDN'T IT? 204 00:08:47,521 --> 00:08:50,489 I MEAN, YOU GO DOWN THE POST OFFICE, YOU BUY A STAMP, 205 00:08:50,491 --> 00:08:53,694 YOU LOOK AT IT AND YOU SAY, "I'VE HAD HER." 206 00:08:57,267 --> 00:08:59,500 YOU KNOW, YOU COULD SAY, 207 00:08:59,502 --> 00:09:01,502 "TOOK HER A LITTLE BIT OF TIME TO WARM UP, 208 00:09:01,504 --> 00:09:03,806 BUT WAS SHE WORTH THE WAIT!" 209 00:09:05,377 --> 00:09:06,876 WHAT ABOUT YOU? 210 00:09:06,878 --> 00:09:09,112 I THINK I'LL PASS ON THE QUEEN. 211 00:09:09,115 --> 00:09:10,414 REALLY? 212 00:09:10,415 --> 00:09:13,250 I THINK I'LL PLUMP FOR RACHEL, ACTUALLY. 213 00:09:13,252 --> 00:09:14,920 YEAH, AND SHE CAN HAVE ANOTHER LITTLE RACHEL, 214 00:09:14,922 --> 00:09:17,289 RACHEL STEVENS, IN HER POCKET AS A RESERVE. 215 00:09:17,291 --> 00:09:18,592 TWO FOR THE PRICE OF ONE. 216 00:09:18,594 --> 00:09:20,927 WELL, WHY NOT? "LEZ" BE GREEDY. 217 00:09:20,929 --> 00:09:22,562 HA HA HA HA! 218 00:09:22,564 --> 00:09:23,764 "LEZ" BE NAUGHTY. 219 00:09:25,134 --> 00:09:27,134 IT'LL BE FANNY-TASTIC. 220 00:09:27,137 --> 00:09:31,306 MINGE-NIFICENT. 221 00:09:31,308 --> 00:09:34,143 YEAH, I'M SORRY, IT'S JUST GETTING TOO LATE NOW, ALICE. 222 00:09:34,145 --> 00:09:36,179 COME ON, LET'S GO TO BED. 223 00:09:36,180 --> 00:09:38,649 I BEG YOUR PARDON? 224 00:09:38,651 --> 00:09:41,152 NO, NO, NO, NO-- SEPARATE BEDS, ALICE. 225 00:09:41,154 --> 00:09:43,688 OH, PHEW! YEAH. 226 00:09:43,690 --> 00:09:45,423 I THOUGHT, FOR A MOMENT... 227 00:09:45,426 --> 00:09:48,160 GOOD LORD, NO. ( laughs ) 228 00:09:48,162 --> 00:09:49,929 NO OFFENCE, OF COURSE. 229 00:09:49,931 --> 00:09:53,033 NO, NO, NONE TAKEN. 230 00:09:53,035 --> 00:09:54,300 ALL RIGHT, GOOD-NIGHT, THEN. 231 00:09:54,302 --> 00:09:56,971 GOOD-NIGHT. I JUST... 232 00:10:02,547 --> 00:10:05,815 YES, RIGHT. GOOD-NIGHT, YEAH. 233 00:10:09,121 --> 00:10:12,991 ITEM FOUR. CELEBRATING THE VICAR'S ANNIVERSARY, 234 00:10:12,993 --> 00:10:17,162 AND I FEAR WE HAVE INDEED GOT SOME IDEAS IN. 235 00:10:17,164 --> 00:10:19,899 YES, JIM, I BELIEVE YOU'VE WRITTEN TO THE POPE, 236 00:10:19,901 --> 00:10:23,070 ASKING HIM TO MAKE ME A SAINT. 237 00:10:23,072 --> 00:10:24,405 THAT'S RIGHT. 238 00:10:24,407 --> 00:10:27,441 THE ONLY PROBLEM IS THE CATHOLIC ISSUE. 239 00:10:27,443 --> 00:10:29,544 IS THE POPE CATHOLIC? 240 00:10:33,786 --> 00:10:37,254 YES, THAT'S THE PROBLEM. AND I'M NOT. 241 00:10:37,255 --> 00:10:38,621 YOU'RE NOT? 242 00:10:39,659 --> 00:10:41,425 NO, JIM. NONE OF US ARE. 243 00:10:41,427 --> 00:10:42,827 WE'RE CHURCH OF ENGLAND, JIM. 244 00:10:42,829 --> 00:10:44,996 SINCE WHEN? 245 00:10:44,998 --> 00:10:48,234 SINCE 1534. 246 00:10:48,236 --> 00:10:52,239 WELL, YOU LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERY DAY. 247 00:10:52,241 --> 00:10:57,011 AND OWEN, YOUR IDEA IS A COCKTAIL PARTY ON CHRISTMAS EVE. 248 00:10:57,013 --> 00:10:58,146 IT CERTAINLY IS. 249 00:10:58,148 --> 00:11:00,682 RIGHT. WITH A STRIPPER. 250 00:11:00,684 --> 00:11:01,818 YES. 251 00:11:01,820 --> 00:11:03,753 PREFERABLY KIRSTY YOUNG, 252 00:11:03,755 --> 00:11:05,788 THE PRESENTER OF CHANNEL 5 NEWS. 253 00:11:05,791 --> 00:11:07,290 YES. 254 00:11:07,291 --> 00:11:10,227 KINKY KIRSTY KICKS ARSE. 255 00:11:10,229 --> 00:11:13,531 YES, WELL, I'M AFRAID I'M GONNA HAVE TO PUT MY FOOT DOWN THERE, GUYS. 256 00:11:13,533 --> 00:11:14,699 NO STRIPPER. 257 00:11:14,701 --> 00:11:15,867 THAT IS A SHAME, VICAR. 258 00:11:15,870 --> 00:11:17,369 BUT I LIKE THE IDEA OF THE PARTY, 259 00:11:17,371 --> 00:11:18,971 SO LET'S GIVE THAT A BIG FAT YES. 260 00:11:18,973 --> 00:11:20,607 WELL, IT'S SOMETHING TO BE GETTING ON WITH. 261 00:11:20,609 --> 00:11:22,442 WELL, WE COULD HAVE IT IN OUR HOUSE. 262 00:11:22,444 --> 00:11:24,311 WELL, UM, MY HOUSE, NOW. 263 00:11:24,312 --> 00:11:25,980 AND, FATHER, YOU COULD CRACK OPEN 264 00:11:25,982 --> 00:11:28,217 SOME OF THAT SECRET SUPPLY OF FABULOUSLY EXPENSIVE CHAMPAGNE 265 00:11:28,218 --> 00:11:31,120 YOU'VE BEEN HOLDING BACK FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION. 266 00:11:31,123 --> 00:11:32,922 YES, I WAS KEEPING IT FOR ALICE'S FUNERAL, 267 00:11:32,924 --> 00:11:35,391 BUT SHE'S LOOKING DEPRESSINGLY HEALTHY. 268 00:11:35,393 --> 00:11:37,693 THANK YOU, HERO HORTONS. 269 00:11:37,695 --> 00:11:39,563 AND I DID HAVE ANOTHER CELEBRATORY IDEARETTE. 270 00:11:39,565 --> 00:11:41,165 OH, BRAVO! 271 00:11:41,167 --> 00:11:43,668 YOU KNOW HOW WE ALWAYS SING THE TRADITIONAL CHRISTMAS CAROLS, 272 00:11:43,670 --> 00:11:45,904 "O COME ALL YE FAITHFUL," "GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN," 273 00:11:45,906 --> 00:11:48,207 AND "HAVE A WOMBLING MERRY CHRISTMAS." 274 00:11:48,209 --> 00:11:51,211 YES, ALTHOUGH THAT'S NOT STRICTLY A CAROL. 275 00:11:51,213 --> 00:11:53,947 "THE ANGEL GABRIEL WENT DOWN." 276 00:11:56,085 --> 00:11:58,520 I THINK THAT'S "CAME DOWN," FRANK, SORRY. 277 00:11:58,522 --> 00:12:00,721 SO WHAT'S YOUR IDEA, HUGO? 278 00:12:00,723 --> 00:12:02,925 WELL, I THOUGHT WE COULD HAVE A COMPETITION IN THE VILLAGE 279 00:12:02,927 --> 00:12:04,627 TO WRITE A NEW CAROL FOR YOUR TENTH ANNIVERSARY. 280 00:12:04,628 --> 00:12:07,197 OH, GENIUS! THE GOD-O-VISION SONG CONTEST. 281 00:12:07,199 --> 00:12:08,232 LET'S DO IT! 282 00:12:08,234 --> 00:12:09,299 YES, YES. 283 00:12:09,302 --> 00:12:10,467 ACTUALLY, I--I-- 284 00:12:10,469 --> 00:12:12,303 I'VE ALREADY MADE A START ON MINE. 285 00:12:12,305 --> 00:12:14,738 I COULD GIVE YOU A TASTER NOW. 286 00:12:14,741 --> 00:12:18,778 WELL, FIRE AWAY, SHE SAID WITH A GLAZED SMILE. 287 00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:21,781 IT'S INSPIRED BY THE WORK OF ARTISTS SUCH AS 288 00:12:21,784 --> 00:12:24,952 EMINEM, FATMAN SCOOP, AND THE GREAT NELLY. 289 00:12:24,954 --> 00:12:26,188 IS IT? 290 00:12:26,190 --> 00:12:30,193 ( imitates beat box ) 291 00:12:30,195 --> 00:12:32,195 ( raps ) ♪ IT'S GONNA COME TO PASS, YO HEAR ♪ 292 00:12:32,197 --> 00:12:34,530 ♪ HE'S GONNA SAVE YOUR ASS, YO HEAR ♪ 293 00:12:34,532 --> 00:12:36,300 ♪ HIS NAME IS JESASS, YO HEAR ♪ 294 00:12:36,301 --> 00:12:37,936 ♪ SO HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! ♪ 295 00:12:37,938 --> 00:12:41,172 ♪ IF YOU'S BAD, HE'S GONNA SCREW YA ♪ 296 00:12:47,181 --> 00:12:48,481 WHAT'D YOU THINK? 297 00:12:48,483 --> 00:12:50,750 WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO CONTINUE WORKING ON IT? 298 00:12:50,752 --> 00:12:52,386 NO. 299 00:12:52,388 --> 00:12:54,956 RIGHT. BECAUSE WHY MESS WITH PERFECTION? 300 00:12:54,958 --> 00:12:56,790 YEAH, THAT'S NOT REALLY WHAT I MEANT. 301 00:12:56,792 --> 00:12:59,995 THE REST OF YOU, LYRICS IN BY SUNDAY, PLEASE. 302 00:12:59,997 --> 00:13:01,263 AND THE WINNING ENTRANT WILL BE SUNG 303 00:13:01,265 --> 00:13:03,900 AT MIDNIGHT MASS ON CHRISTMAS EVE. 304 00:13:03,902 --> 00:13:06,036 AND AS FOR THE ANNIVERSARY PARTY, GUYS, REALLY, 305 00:13:06,038 --> 00:13:07,437 JUST KEEP IT SIMPLE, OKAY? 306 00:13:07,438 --> 00:13:09,473 A DRINK AND A FEW NUTS... 307 00:13:09,475 --> 00:13:11,977 PERHAPS WE COULD HAVE SOME NUTS TO EAT AS WELL. 308 00:13:13,380 --> 00:13:15,914 AND THE STRIPPER'S DEFINITELY OUT? 309 00:13:15,916 --> 00:13:18,017 I MEAN, IT NEEDN'T BE KIRSTY. 310 00:13:18,019 --> 00:13:20,587 IT COULD BE MOIRA STEWART. 311 00:13:20,589 --> 00:13:22,555 SHE'S A LITTLE MORE REFINED. 312 00:13:22,557 --> 00:13:25,726 OH, GET A GRIP, OWEN! 313 00:13:25,727 --> 00:13:26,794 NOT ON THAT. 314 00:13:31,402 --> 00:13:34,203 I'M JUST WATCHING THE RUGBY. 315 00:13:34,205 --> 00:13:36,172 ABSOLUTELY OBSESSED WITH IT SINCE THE WORLD CUP. 316 00:13:36,175 --> 00:13:37,441 SPLENDID. WHAT'S THE SCORE? 317 00:13:37,443 --> 00:13:40,278 NO IDEA AT ALL. 318 00:13:40,281 --> 00:13:43,047 LOOK AT JOHNNY WILKINSON'S THIGHS. 319 00:13:44,818 --> 00:13:47,153 ANYWAY, SORRY. HOW CAN I HELP? 320 00:13:47,155 --> 00:13:49,688 WELL, THE THING IS, 321 00:13:49,690 --> 00:13:51,358 I'M GOING ON SOME DREADFUL BUSINESS CONFERENCE 322 00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:52,993 FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS. 323 00:13:52,995 --> 00:13:56,330 I WANTED TO GET THIS ANNIVERSARY THING SORTED OUT SO I-- 324 00:13:56,332 --> 00:13:58,900 YEAH, YEAH. YEAH, YEP. YEP, YEP, YEAH. 325 00:13:58,902 --> 00:14:01,003 MAYBE I'LL COME BACK LATER. 326 00:14:01,005 --> 00:14:02,505 NO, NO, SORRY. GOSH, THAT'S SO RUDE. 327 00:14:02,506 --> 00:14:03,973 I'M SORRY. NO, I'LL TURN IT OFF. 328 00:14:03,975 --> 00:14:06,709 ABSOLUTELY. THERE WE GO. I'M NOT WEDDED TO IT. 329 00:14:06,711 --> 00:14:08,212 GOOD. WHAT I WANTED-- 330 00:14:08,214 --> 00:14:10,848 ACTUALLY, I'LL VIDEO IT, THAT'S WHAT I'LL DO. 331 00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:12,851 THERE WE GO. RIGHT. 332 00:14:12,853 --> 00:14:16,555 RIGHT. NOW, BASICALLY, I WANT TO MARK 333 00:14:16,557 --> 00:14:19,559 THESE LAST TEN WONDERFUL YEARS 334 00:14:19,561 --> 00:14:21,828 BY GIVING YOU SOMETHING SPECIAL, 335 00:14:21,830 --> 00:14:23,664 AND I WANT YOU TO LOVE IT. 336 00:14:23,666 --> 00:14:27,436 SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST SAY WHAT YOU WANT, AND I'LL GET IT. 337 00:14:27,437 --> 00:14:28,470 ANYTHING. 338 00:14:28,472 --> 00:14:31,441 OH, DAVID, THANK YOU SO MUCH. 339 00:14:31,442 --> 00:14:33,309 OH, I'M A BIT EMBARRASSED, REALLY. 340 00:14:33,311 --> 00:14:35,478 I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH YOU'RE HAPPY TO SPEND. 341 00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:37,014 WELL, IT DOESN'T MATTER. JUST SAY WHAT YOU WANT. 342 00:14:37,016 --> 00:14:40,618 OH, OKAY. UM...I NEED A CAR. 343 00:14:40,620 --> 00:14:42,387 WELL, NOT THAT MUCH, OBVIOUSLY. 344 00:14:42,389 --> 00:14:47,361 NO, NO, NO, OKAY. UM... WHAT ABOUT A WIDE-SCREEN TV? 345 00:14:47,363 --> 00:14:48,996 WELL, NOT THAT MUCH, EITHER. 346 00:14:48,998 --> 00:14:50,929 NO, NO, OKAY. IT'S GOING DOWN ALL THE TIME. 347 00:14:50,932 --> 00:14:52,165 OKAY, RIGHT. 348 00:14:52,167 --> 00:14:53,567 UM--OH, I KNOW WHAT I WANT. 349 00:14:53,568 --> 00:14:56,571 I'VE SEEN THIS HUGE ILLUMINATED REINDEER IN MASON'S. 350 00:14:56,572 --> 00:14:58,707 I'D LOVE TO PUT THAT ON THE PORCH OVER CHRISTMAS. 351 00:14:58,709 --> 00:14:59,808 I KNOW IT'S FRIVOLOUS-- 352 00:14:59,810 --> 00:15:01,143 YES, IT IS. I WON'T GET THAT. 353 00:15:01,145 --> 00:15:02,445 RIGHT. 354 00:15:02,447 --> 00:15:05,048 I THOUGHT YOU'D WANT SOMETHING APPROPRIATE, 355 00:15:05,050 --> 00:15:08,119 LIKE A LEATHER-BOUND ILLUSTRATED BIBLE. 356 00:15:10,757 --> 00:15:13,825 WELL, OBVIOUSLY, A BIBLE WOULD BE SUPER-- 357 00:15:13,827 --> 00:15:15,661 NO, NO. NOT JUST A BIBLE. 358 00:15:15,663 --> 00:15:18,865 A LEATHER-BOUND, ILLUSTRATED BIBLE. 359 00:15:18,866 --> 00:15:21,067 RIGHT. YOU MEAN LIKE THE ONES 360 00:15:21,069 --> 00:15:22,769 THEY'RE SELLING IN TOWN FOR £12.50? 361 00:15:22,772 --> 00:15:23,837 YES. 362 00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:25,705 PERFECT! 363 00:15:25,707 --> 00:15:27,776 EXCELLENT! 364 00:15:27,778 --> 00:15:29,611 GOOD CHOICE. 365 00:15:30,714 --> 00:15:33,517 TEN YEARS, EH? MMM. 366 00:15:33,518 --> 00:15:36,787 I KNOW I WAS A TINY BIT UNCERTAIN WHEN YOU ARRIVED... 367 00:15:36,789 --> 00:15:39,557 YOU TRIED TO HAVE ME SACKED REPEATEDLY! 368 00:15:39,559 --> 00:15:43,495 YES, WELL... NOW I AM PROUD TO HAVE A WOMAN VICAR. 369 00:15:43,497 --> 00:15:45,798 THE STRANGEST THING TO ME 370 00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:48,501 IS THAT YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN PROMOTED. 371 00:15:48,503 --> 00:15:51,772 WELL, I GUESS I JUST NEVER CAUGHT THE ARCHBISHOP'S EYE. 372 00:15:51,774 --> 00:15:54,909 PROBABLY TOO SHY AND PETITE, AREN'T I? 373 00:15:54,910 --> 00:15:56,911 BUT IMAGINE IF WE HAD MET. 374 00:15:56,912 --> 00:16:00,083 THAT MAGIC MOMENT WHEN OUR EYES LOCKED ACROSS A CROWDED SYNOD, 375 00:16:00,085 --> 00:16:02,016 ONE GUILTY NIGHT OF PLEASURE, AND... 376 00:16:02,019 --> 00:16:05,456 WHOOPS-A-DAISY DANGLE, BISHOP GRAINGER. 377 00:16:05,458 --> 00:16:08,193 I WAS ACTUALLY AT UNIVERSITY WITH OUR NEW ARCHBISHOP. 378 00:16:08,195 --> 00:16:11,629 NO! OH, HE'S MUCH OLDER THAN I THOUGHT. 379 00:16:11,631 --> 00:16:15,067 YES. WE WERE BOTH AT CAMBRIDGE TOGETHER. 380 00:16:15,069 --> 00:16:16,268 QUITE GOOD FRIENDS, ACTUALLY-- 381 00:16:16,270 --> 00:16:19,272 ME AND GOD'S ULTIMATE REPRESENTATIVE ON EARTH. 382 00:16:19,274 --> 00:16:20,674 SO WHAT'S HE REALLY LIKE, THEN? 383 00:16:20,675 --> 00:16:23,111 A BIT OF A NUTTER, ACTUALLY. 384 00:16:23,113 --> 00:16:24,311 GOOD AT HEART, GOOD MAN. 385 00:16:24,314 --> 00:16:26,482 YEAH, I LIKE HIM, ACTUALLY. 386 00:16:26,484 --> 00:16:29,551 I THINK HE'S GOT GOOD MORALS, GOOD BEARD. 387 00:16:29,553 --> 00:16:31,520 WHAT MORE CAN YOU ASK OF A MAN? 388 00:16:31,522 --> 00:16:32,989 GOOD IN BED, I SUPPOSE. 389 00:16:32,991 --> 00:16:35,692 ( laughter ) 390 00:16:35,693 --> 00:16:39,263 YOU HAVE DEFINITELY IMPROVED IN THE LAST DECADE. 391 00:16:39,265 --> 00:16:46,506 THANK YOU. AND YOU SHOULD BE AT LEAST A BISHOP BY NOW. 392 00:16:46,508 --> 00:16:48,541 STILL, THEIR LOSS, OUR GAIN. 393 00:16:48,543 --> 00:16:50,611 RIGHT. OFF TO THE BOOKSHOP! 394 00:16:50,612 --> 00:16:52,247 HURRAH! CAN'T WAIT! 395 00:16:54,251 --> 00:16:58,220 SO, A LEATHER-BOUND, ILLUSTRATED BIBLE, EH? 396 00:16:58,222 --> 00:16:59,955 WONDER WHERE I'M GONNA PUT THAT. 397 00:16:59,957 --> 00:17:04,728 MAYBE NEXT TO MY 23 OTHER LEATHER-BOUND, ILLUSTRATED BIBLES 398 00:17:04,729 --> 00:17:08,566 ON MY LEATHER-BOUND, ILLUSTRATED BIBLE SHELF. 399 00:17:08,568 --> 00:17:10,269 ( door bell rings ) 400 00:17:10,271 --> 00:17:12,937 OH! MAYBE HE'S CHANGED HIS MIND AND GONE FOR THE BIG TELLY. 401 00:17:12,939 --> 00:17:15,674 OH! JOHNNY'S THIGHS IN WIDE SCREEN. YUM! 402 00:17:15,676 --> 00:17:17,544 HI. 403 00:17:17,546 --> 00:17:19,180 HELLO. 404 00:17:19,182 --> 00:17:20,914 LOOK, I'M SORRY TO DISTURB YOU. 405 00:17:20,916 --> 00:17:22,916 NO, THAT'S FINE, FINE. I'M GERALDINE. 406 00:17:22,919 --> 00:17:24,085 HI, RACHEL. PLEASED-- 407 00:17:24,087 --> 00:17:26,954 YES! I KNEW IT WAS! HELLO. HI. 408 00:17:26,956 --> 00:17:28,223 HI. 409 00:17:28,225 --> 00:17:29,892 UM, LOOK, I'M REALLY SORRY, 410 00:17:29,894 --> 00:17:31,827 BUT I'M GOING TO A WEDDING IN THE NEXT VILLAGE, 411 00:17:31,829 --> 00:17:34,397 AND I DROVE DOWN IN MY JEANS, AND I'M REALLY LATE, 412 00:17:34,399 --> 00:17:35,599 SO I NEED SOMEWHERE TO CHANGE. 413 00:17:35,601 --> 00:17:36,700 YES, I WAS JUST THINKING, 414 00:17:36,702 --> 00:17:37,768 I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER SEEN YOU 415 00:17:37,769 --> 00:17:40,572 IN QUITE SO MANY CLOTHES BEFORE. 416 00:17:40,574 --> 00:17:42,941 OH. WELL, THEN I SAW THE "VICARAGE" SIGN 417 00:17:42,943 --> 00:17:44,643 AND I--AND I THOUGHT I MIGHT THROW MYSELF 418 00:17:44,645 --> 00:17:45,945 ON THE MERCY OF THE CHURCH. 419 00:17:45,947 --> 00:17:47,179 OH, ABSOLUTELY, COME ON IN, 420 00:17:47,182 --> 00:17:48,247 RACHEL HUNTER. 421 00:17:48,250 --> 00:17:49,249 THANK YOU. 422 00:17:49,251 --> 00:17:51,785 COME RIGHT IN. GOODNESS ME. 423 00:17:51,786 --> 00:17:53,754 NO, MY BEDROOM'S RIGHT UP THERE, YOU CAN CHANGE THERE. 424 00:17:53,756 --> 00:17:56,558 THANK YOU. MIND YOUR HEAD. 425 00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:57,926 DO YOU KNOW WHAT IS SO WEIRD ABOUT THIS, 426 00:17:57,928 --> 00:17:59,561 IS THAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU 427 00:17:59,563 --> 00:18:01,063 ONLY THE OTHER DAY WITH MY VERGER. 428 00:18:01,064 --> 00:18:03,433 REALLY? WHAT WERE YOU SAYING? 429 00:18:03,435 --> 00:18:07,571 UM...UH, WE WERE JUST SAYING, UH, 430 00:18:07,573 --> 00:18:10,709 HOW LOVELY IT WOULD BE TO... 431 00:18:10,710 --> 00:18:12,577 TO--TO COME AND SEE YOU 432 00:18:12,579 --> 00:18:14,413 IN ONE OF YOUR FASHION SHOWS. 433 00:18:14,415 --> 00:18:17,550 YOU KNOW, WALKING UP AND DOWN AND TURNING AND STUFF. 434 00:18:17,552 --> 00:18:19,886 WELL, I'M SURE I CAN FIX IT UP SOME TIME. 435 00:18:19,888 --> 00:18:21,288 REALLY? THAT'D BE EXCELLENT! 436 00:18:21,290 --> 00:18:23,524 AND CAN I SAY AS WELL THAT I REALLY LOVE 437 00:18:23,526 --> 00:18:24,692 THOSE BRAS AND KNICKERS THAT YOU MODEL. 438 00:18:24,694 --> 00:18:26,927 OH, THANK YOU. YEAH. IN FACT, 439 00:18:26,929 --> 00:18:28,330 LAST TIME I WAS IN LONDON, I WENT INTO SELFRIDGE'S 440 00:18:28,332 --> 00:18:30,699 AND BOUGHT LOADS OF THE KNICKERS. OH, GREAT! 441 00:18:30,701 --> 00:18:32,636 YEAH, THEY DIDN'T FIT. 442 00:18:32,638 --> 00:18:34,104 IN FACT YOU SHOULD TELL THEM 443 00:18:34,105 --> 00:18:37,375 TO MAKE THEM IN INDUSTRIAL SIZES, PLEASE. 444 00:18:37,377 --> 00:18:38,942 I'LL HAVE A WORD. YEAH, YEAH. 445 00:18:38,944 --> 00:18:41,613 STILL, THEY WEREN'T WASTED. I USE 'EM FOR FLOSSING. 446 00:18:41,615 --> 00:18:45,049 THEY'RE VERY EFFECTIVE, ACTUALLY. CAN YOU SEE? GLEAMING? 447 00:18:45,051 --> 00:18:46,050 BEAUTIFUL. 448 00:18:46,053 --> 00:18:47,387 AH, YOU DIDN'T COME HERE 449 00:18:47,390 --> 00:18:49,290 FOR AN AFTERNOON OF GAY BANTER-- 450 00:18:49,292 --> 00:18:52,058 NO, NOT GAY BANTER, OH, SHUT UP, NOW. 451 00:18:52,060 --> 00:18:53,226 GO ON, GO ON, 452 00:18:53,228 --> 00:18:54,462 UP THERE. THAT'S IT. 453 00:18:54,464 --> 00:18:55,596 THANK YOU. MIND YOUR HEAD. THERE YOU GO. 454 00:18:55,599 --> 00:18:57,365 ( door bell rings ) 455 00:18:57,367 --> 00:19:00,336 WHO'S THAT? NAOMI CAMPBELL? 456 00:19:00,338 --> 00:19:01,437 HI. 457 00:19:01,439 --> 00:19:02,705 HI. 458 00:19:02,707 --> 00:19:04,140 GOOD LORD, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? 459 00:19:04,141 --> 00:19:05,475 NOTHING. 460 00:19:05,477 --> 00:19:06,710 THAT'S FUNNY, YOU LOOK ALL FLUSHED. 461 00:19:06,712 --> 00:19:08,813 NO, IT'S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. 462 00:19:08,815 --> 00:19:10,181 WELL, A SLIGHTLY QUEER TURN OF EVENTS, 463 00:19:10,183 --> 00:19:12,651 NOT QUEER, NOT QUEER, OBVIOUSLY. 464 00:19:12,653 --> 00:19:14,353 YOU KNOW, IF YOU WEREN'T A VICAR, 465 00:19:14,355 --> 00:19:16,021 IF YOU WERE A LITTLE BOY, 466 00:19:16,024 --> 00:19:18,892 I'D SAY YOU'D BEEN DOING SOMETHING NAUGHTY UPSTAIRS 467 00:19:18,893 --> 00:19:21,628 AND YOU'RE TOO SCARED TO TELL MUMMY. 468 00:19:21,630 --> 00:19:25,265 YEAH, WELL I'M NOT, SO DON'T. 469 00:19:25,267 --> 00:19:28,904 EXCUSE ME, COULD I BORROW THE RED LIPSTICK ON THE CHEST OF DRAWERS? 470 00:19:28,905 --> 00:19:30,205 YEAH, OF COURSE. 471 00:19:30,208 --> 00:19:32,942 GREAT, THANKS JOANNE. IS THAT RIGHT? 472 00:19:32,944 --> 00:19:34,411 IT'S GERALDINE. 473 00:19:34,413 --> 00:19:35,612 SORRY. THAT'S OKAY. 474 00:19:35,614 --> 00:19:37,948 HI. 475 00:19:37,950 --> 00:19:39,183 THIS IS ALICE, MY VERGER. 476 00:19:39,184 --> 00:19:40,352 HI, ALICE. 477 00:19:40,354 --> 00:19:42,387 GERALDINE WAS JUST TELLING ME 478 00:19:42,389 --> 00:19:43,589 HOW YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT ME, 479 00:19:43,591 --> 00:19:45,157 AND WHAT YOU'D LIKE TO DO. 480 00:19:46,694 --> 00:19:50,263 I'D LOVE TO. 481 00:19:50,265 --> 00:19:52,199 I MEAN, ANY TIME YOU WANT TO FIX IT UP, IT WOULD BE GREAT, 482 00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:54,369 IT WOULD BE BRILLIANT. 483 00:19:54,371 --> 00:19:58,607 RIGHT, I MUST GO UP AND GET CHANGED. NICE TO MEET YOU. 484 00:20:01,246 --> 00:20:03,112 I KNOW IT'S BEEN SAID BEFORE, 485 00:20:03,114 --> 00:20:06,283 BUT SERIOUSLY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT! 486 00:20:06,285 --> 00:20:08,854 YOU'RE HAVING IT AWAY WITH RACHEL HUNTER, 487 00:20:08,855 --> 00:20:11,523 AND THE BIG BRUISER CAN'T EVEN BE BOTHERED TO GET YOUR NAME RIGHT. 488 00:20:11,525 --> 00:20:13,125 OH, DO SHUT UP ALICE. 489 00:20:13,127 --> 00:20:16,396 YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG END OF A VERY, VERY LONG STICK. 490 00:20:16,398 --> 00:20:19,265 SO WHAT IS SHE DOING UPSTAIRS IN HER BRA AND PANTIES? 491 00:20:19,268 --> 00:20:21,402 IF YOU CAN CALL 'EM THAT. 492 00:20:21,405 --> 00:20:23,471 SO I TAKE IT YOU'RE NOT A THONG GIRL, THEN? 493 00:20:23,473 --> 00:20:26,509 NO, I AM NOT! 494 00:20:26,511 --> 00:20:28,443 THE ONLY THONG I'M INTERESTED IN 495 00:20:28,445 --> 00:20:30,446 IS A THWEET LITTLE THONG, 496 00:20:30,448 --> 00:20:33,616 THUNG BY A GIRL WHO CAN'T SAY HER ETHETH. 497 00:20:33,618 --> 00:20:36,453 WELL, WHATEVER. LET ME REASSURE YOU, ALICE, 498 00:20:36,455 --> 00:20:37,621 THAT THERE IS NOTHING GOING ON 499 00:20:37,623 --> 00:20:39,690 BETWEEN MISS HUNTER AND MYSELF. 500 00:20:39,693 --> 00:20:44,195 WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM? STUPID? 501 00:20:44,197 --> 00:20:48,067 PLEASE, DON'T MAKE ME ANSWER THAT QUESTION, ALICE. 502 00:20:48,069 --> 00:20:51,539 WHATEVER. I WON'T DISTURB YOU. 503 00:20:51,541 --> 00:20:53,975 YOU WOMAN OF MYSTERY. 504 00:20:53,977 --> 00:20:55,710 IT'S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT YOU. 505 00:20:55,712 --> 00:20:59,782 YOU CAN NEVER QUITE GET TO THE BOTTOM OF GERALDINE GRAINGER... 506 00:20:59,784 --> 00:21:02,719 THOUGH I BET RACHEL'S GONNA TRY. 507 00:21:02,721 --> 00:21:05,422 OH GET OUT! GO ON. 508 00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:07,792 COMING DOWN. 509 00:21:07,794 --> 00:21:08,827 OH, YOU LOOK LOVELY. 510 00:21:08,829 --> 00:21:10,295 THANK YOU SO MUCH. 511 00:21:10,296 --> 00:21:12,396 GOSH, YOU'RE EVEN TALLER. 512 00:21:12,398 --> 00:21:14,166 MAYBE I'LL SEE YOU FROM THE CATWALK SOMETIME. 513 00:21:14,168 --> 00:21:17,904 OH, THAT WOULD BE EXCELLENT, YES. 514 00:21:17,906 --> 00:21:19,306 THANK YOU. YOU'VE BEEN FANTASTIC. 515 00:21:20,442 --> 00:21:21,576 GOODBYE. BYE. 516 00:21:21,578 --> 00:21:22,977 EVERYTHING OKAY? 517 00:21:22,979 --> 00:21:25,481 YEAH. BRILLIANT. LOVELY LADY VICAR. 518 00:21:25,483 --> 00:21:27,783 OBVIOUSLY GAY. 519 00:21:27,785 --> 00:21:30,286 WHAT? NO-- 520 00:21:30,288 --> 00:21:32,455 NO-- 521 00:21:32,457 --> 00:21:34,524 GOOD CONFERENCE, FATHER? 522 00:21:34,526 --> 00:21:37,762 HOPELESS. THEY'RE ALL CRETINS AT WORK. 523 00:21:37,764 --> 00:21:39,797 MUST BE A RELIEF TO GET HOME. 524 00:21:41,201 --> 00:21:42,901 I WOULDN'T SAY THAT. 525 00:21:42,903 --> 00:21:46,672 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR GIVING US THE HOUSE. 526 00:21:46,674 --> 00:21:49,009 I'LL NEVER FORGET THE MOMENT YOU SIGNED THE PAPERS-- 527 00:21:49,011 --> 00:21:51,880 I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU CRY BEFORE. 528 00:21:51,882 --> 00:21:53,547 HMM. 529 00:21:53,550 --> 00:21:55,216 TO EXPRESS OUR GRATITUDE 530 00:21:55,218 --> 00:21:58,253 WE'VE MADE JUST A FEW TINY CHANGES. 531 00:21:58,255 --> 00:22:00,055 WE HOPE YOU LIKE THEM. 532 00:22:00,058 --> 00:22:01,858 AS LONG AS THERE'S NOTHING TOO DRAMATIC. 533 00:22:01,860 --> 00:22:03,393 NO. 534 00:22:05,498 --> 00:22:06,730 AARGH! 535 00:22:08,768 --> 00:22:10,735 WHAT DO YOU THINK? 536 00:22:10,737 --> 00:22:12,104 I THINK I'VE DIED AND GONE TO HELL 537 00:22:12,105 --> 00:22:14,472 AND I'M SHARING A ROOM WITH BARBARA CARTLAND. 538 00:22:14,474 --> 00:22:15,542 AND D'YOU KNOW, THE THING IS, 539 00:22:15,544 --> 00:22:17,110 ALICE DID ALL THIS ON HER OWN. 540 00:22:17,111 --> 00:22:19,279 SHE DIDN'T HAVE ANY PROFESSIONAL HELP. 541 00:22:19,281 --> 00:22:22,416 YOU KNOW, FOR SOME BIZARRE REASON, THAT DOESN'T SURPRISE ME. 542 00:22:22,418 --> 00:22:24,285 THE LOOK I'VE GONE FOR IS 543 00:22:24,287 --> 00:22:27,956 CLASSIC LATE VICTORIAN MEETS MY LITTLE PONY, 544 00:22:27,958 --> 00:22:30,393 AND I THINK IT REALLY WORKS. 545 00:22:30,394 --> 00:22:33,163 WHERE'S MY STUBBS? HMM? 546 00:22:33,165 --> 00:22:35,165 I HAD A VERY VALUABLE ORIGINAL PAINTING 547 00:22:35,167 --> 00:22:37,101 BY GEORGE STUBBS JUST THERE. 548 00:22:39,773 --> 00:22:42,041 WELL, THAT REALLY DIDN'T WORK. 549 00:22:42,042 --> 00:22:44,209 WE THOUGHT IT MIGHT, 'CAUSE IT WAS A HORSE, 550 00:22:44,212 --> 00:22:46,179 BUT IT WASN'T A PINK HORSE. 551 00:22:46,181 --> 00:22:49,282 I WANT IT BACK IN THIS ROOM... 552 00:22:49,284 --> 00:22:50,417 NOW. 553 00:22:50,418 --> 00:22:53,253 RIGHT. BREAK THE NEWS GENTLY. 554 00:22:53,255 --> 00:22:54,957 WHAT ELSE HAS BEEN GOING ON? 555 00:22:54,959 --> 00:22:55,991 OH, NOTHING MUCH. 556 00:22:55,993 --> 00:22:58,327 SO NO MORE SHOCKS AND SURPRISES? 557 00:22:58,329 --> 00:23:00,663 NONE WHATSOEVER. GOOD. 558 00:23:00,665 --> 00:23:03,767 APART FROM THE FACT IT TURNS OUT OUR VICAR IS GAY. 559 00:23:03,769 --> 00:23:05,235 I BEG YOUR PARDON? 560 00:23:05,237 --> 00:23:07,004 OH, SHE TRIED TO DENY IT, 561 00:23:07,006 --> 00:23:08,439 BUT YOU'D HAVE TO BE AN IDIOT 562 00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:09,975 NOT TO ADD TWO AND TWO TOGETHER 563 00:23:09,977 --> 00:23:12,511 AND GET-- UM... 564 00:23:12,513 --> 00:23:13,946 FOUR. 565 00:23:13,948 --> 00:23:16,582 FOUR. THAT'S RIGHT. 566 00:23:16,584 --> 00:23:19,152 GENTLEMEN, I'VE CALLED YOU HERE EARLY 567 00:23:19,154 --> 00:23:21,723 TO DEAL WITH A RATHER IMPORTANT MATTER. 568 00:23:21,725 --> 00:23:26,495 IT TRANSPIRES THAT OUR VICAR IS, WELL...GAY. 569 00:23:26,497 --> 00:23:28,697 I KNOW WHAT AN OLD-FASHIONED 570 00:23:28,699 --> 00:23:30,499 AND TRADITIONAL VILLAGE WE ARE, 571 00:23:30,501 --> 00:23:32,702 AND I THINK I CAN GUESS YOUR REACTION. 572 00:23:32,704 --> 00:23:34,471 GOOD OLD VICAR! 573 00:23:36,009 --> 00:23:37,743 BEST NEWS I'VE HAD SINCE THEY MADE 574 00:23:37,745 --> 00:23:41,312 HAVING SEX WITH ANIMALS LEGAL AGAIN. 575 00:23:41,314 --> 00:23:43,248 THEY HAVEN'T. 576 00:23:43,250 --> 00:23:44,917 REALLY? 577 00:23:44,919 --> 00:23:48,054 OH. THAT'S NOT GOOD. 578 00:23:48,056 --> 00:23:49,890 SO WAIT A MINUTE, AM I TO UNDERSTAND 579 00:23:49,892 --> 00:23:53,028 THAT NO ONE IS THE SLIGHTEST BIT CONCERNED? 580 00:23:53,030 --> 00:23:57,598 NO--NO--NO--NO--NO, WE'VE ALWAYS HAD LESBIANS IN THIS VILLAGE. 581 00:23:57,600 --> 00:24:01,336 MRS. CROPLEY WAS A LESBIAN. 582 00:24:01,338 --> 00:24:03,640 BEFORE SHE RETIRED. 583 00:24:03,642 --> 00:24:05,608 WAS SHE? 584 00:24:05,610 --> 00:24:08,813 NO JIM, SHE WAS A LIBRARIAN. 585 00:24:08,815 --> 00:24:10,415 LIBRARIAN, YES. 586 00:24:10,417 --> 00:24:12,250 ( door closes ) HERE SHE COMES. 587 00:24:12,252 --> 00:24:14,487 DON'T SAY A WORD, PLEASE. 588 00:24:14,489 --> 00:24:17,023 SHE DOESN'T KNOW THAT WE KNOW. 589 00:24:17,025 --> 00:24:18,558 OH, SORRY I'M LATE. 590 00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:20,961 HOPE YOU HAVEN'T GONE PAST ITEM TWO. 591 00:24:20,963 --> 00:24:24,132 THERE'S A COUPLE OF ARTS GRANTS I WANT TO SUPPORT. 592 00:24:24,134 --> 00:24:25,801 SO WHERE HAVE YOU GOT TO SO FAR? 593 00:24:29,708 --> 00:24:31,040 SORRY. HAVE I INTERRUPTED 594 00:24:31,042 --> 00:24:35,378 THE PARISH COUNCIL ANNUAL MINDLESS STARING COMPETITION? 595 00:24:35,380 --> 00:24:40,418 UM, NO. WELL, WE'LL GO ON TO ITEM TWO, THEN. 596 00:24:40,420 --> 00:24:42,653 AH, GREAT. WELL, THERE'S A COUPLE OF YOUNG WOMEN IN THE VILLAGE 597 00:24:42,655 --> 00:24:45,358 WHO'D LIKE A HUNDRED POUNDS TO START A DRAMA CLUB. 598 00:24:45,360 --> 00:24:46,827 THAT SEEMS FAIR TO ME. 599 00:24:46,829 --> 00:24:49,662 A LESBIAN DRAMA CLUB WOULD BE AN INTERESTING DEVELOPMENT. 600 00:24:49,664 --> 00:24:51,365 ALL THOSE IN FAVOUR? 601 00:24:53,236 --> 00:24:55,637 I'M NOT QUITE SURE THEY ARE LESBIANS ACTUALLY, DAVID. 602 00:24:55,639 --> 00:24:57,505 OH, AREN'T THEY? NO, JUST WOMEN. 603 00:24:57,507 --> 00:24:59,175 OH, RIGHT. RIGHT. 604 00:24:59,177 --> 00:25:01,310 AND THEY'LL DO PLAYS ABOUT LESBIANS? 605 00:25:01,312 --> 00:25:05,015 WELL, THEY MIGHT. I DON'T KNOW. 606 00:25:05,017 --> 00:25:07,785 ANYWAY, THE OTHER ONE IS THE LOCAL WOMEN'S INSTITUTE. 607 00:25:07,787 --> 00:25:11,456 THEY WANT TO DO A CHARITY CALENDAR THAT I'M VERY KEEN TO SUPPORT. 608 00:25:11,458 --> 00:25:14,393 WILL ALL THE WOMEN BE TOPLESS, OR JUST SOME OF THEM? 609 00:25:14,395 --> 00:25:16,864 NO, IT'S PHOTOS OF THE CHURCH. 610 00:25:16,866 --> 00:25:19,532 WITH THE WOMEN TOPLESS INSIDE IT? 611 00:25:19,534 --> 00:25:22,370 AND YOU TAKING THE PHOTOS. 612 00:25:22,372 --> 00:25:24,672 NONE OF THE WOMEN ARE GOING TO BE TOPLESS. 613 00:25:24,674 --> 00:25:26,508 SO WHY DO YOU WANT TO GIVE THEM A GRANT? 614 00:25:26,510 --> 00:25:31,047 OKAY, I THINK I SMELL A THEME DEVELOPING HERE. 615 00:25:31,049 --> 00:25:33,416 LESBIANS, TOPLESS WOMEN. 616 00:25:33,419 --> 00:25:36,487 HUGO, HAS YOUR WIFE BEEN GOSSIPING AT ALL? 617 00:25:36,489 --> 00:25:38,756 WELL, I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU CAN POSSIBLY-- 618 00:25:38,758 --> 00:25:40,825 YES, YES, SHE HAS. 619 00:25:40,828 --> 00:25:43,295 WELL, I WOULD LIKE TO SAY HERE AND NOW 620 00:25:43,297 --> 00:25:46,166 THAT YOU DO NOT HAVE A GAY VICAR. 621 00:25:46,168 --> 00:25:47,802 MORE'S THE PITY-- 622 00:25:47,804 --> 00:25:49,468 IN MY EXPERIENCE, GAY PRIESTS 623 00:25:49,470 --> 00:25:51,338 ARE USUALLY SPLENDID PEOPLE. 624 00:25:51,340 --> 00:25:52,572 QUITE RIGHT, VICAR. 625 00:25:52,574 --> 00:25:54,242 THEY KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO EXPERIENCE PREJUDICE, 626 00:25:54,244 --> 00:25:57,346 AND SO THEY KNOW HOW IMPORTANT IT IS TO TREAT PEOPLE DECENTLY. 627 00:25:57,348 --> 00:25:59,248 HEAR, HEAR. YES. 628 00:25:59,250 --> 00:26:00,716 SO, CAN WE PLEASE CARRY ON. 629 00:26:00,719 --> 00:26:02,719 CERTAINLY, IF YOU FANCY IT. 630 00:26:02,721 --> 00:26:04,788 GET OFF, OWEN! 631 00:26:04,790 --> 00:26:07,292 NO, BUT SERIOUSLY, NOW YOU'RE NOT GAY, 632 00:26:07,293 --> 00:26:08,893 I'M WILLING TO HAVE ANOTHER BASH AT YOU. 633 00:26:08,895 --> 00:26:12,397 FOR GOD'S SAKE OWEN, STOP IT! 634 00:26:12,398 --> 00:26:14,201 I'D BRUSH MY TEETH THIS TIME. 635 00:26:14,203 --> 00:26:15,434 OH! 636 00:26:15,437 --> 00:26:16,636 JUST DON'T. 637 00:26:16,638 --> 00:26:20,874 VERY WELL. ITEM...THREE, 638 00:26:20,877 --> 00:26:21,976 THE NEW CAROLS. 639 00:26:21,978 --> 00:26:24,713 THE MEETING IS SET FOR FOUR ON SUNDAY, 640 00:26:24,715 --> 00:26:26,682 SO TURN UP THEN IF YOU WANT TO WITNESS 641 00:26:26,683 --> 00:26:28,318 THE LOWEST POINT IN BRITISH CULTURE 642 00:26:28,319 --> 00:26:30,086 SINCE ARTHUR MULLARD RE-RECORDED 643 00:26:30,088 --> 00:26:32,255 "YOU'RE THE ONE THAT I WANT." 644 00:26:32,257 --> 00:26:33,724 All: ♪ OH OH OH ♪ 645 00:26:33,726 --> 00:26:34,859 HONEY. 646 00:26:36,729 --> 00:26:38,463 RIGHT, OWEN, YOU SAID 647 00:26:38,465 --> 00:26:41,032 YOU'D DELIGHT AND SURPRISE US. 648 00:26:41,035 --> 00:26:44,570 YES, I'M NOT SO SURE ABOUT THE DELIGHT BIT ANY LONGER. 649 00:26:44,572 --> 00:26:47,006 RIGHT. WELL, FIRE AWAY. 650 00:26:48,879 --> 00:26:52,446 "JESUS WAS BORN ON CHRISTMAS DAY. 651 00:26:52,447 --> 00:26:55,985 "HALLELUJAH. HALLELUJAH. 652 00:26:55,987 --> 00:26:58,921 "BUT HE NEVER GOT HIS END AWAY. 653 00:27:00,792 --> 00:27:03,126 HALLELUJAH." 654 00:27:04,829 --> 00:27:06,563 NEXT. 655 00:27:06,565 --> 00:27:09,401 SO FRANK, HOW MANY VERSES? 656 00:27:09,403 --> 00:27:10,835 A HUNDRED AND EIGHT. 657 00:27:12,139 --> 00:27:14,507 IT'S QUITE A CONTROVERSIAL THESIS, 658 00:27:14,509 --> 00:27:18,545 AND IT TOOK A LITTLE BIT OF TIME FOR ME TO FORMULATE MY PERORATION. 659 00:27:18,547 --> 00:27:20,814 RIGHT, WELL, WILL YOU FORGIVE US 660 00:27:20,817 --> 00:27:22,784 IF WE DON'T HEAR ALL THE VERSES? 661 00:27:22,786 --> 00:27:24,486 I COULD DROP ONE OR TWO IN THE MIDDLE. 662 00:27:24,487 --> 00:27:26,488 FIRE AWAY. 663 00:27:27,857 --> 00:27:29,927 "PRAISE THE LORD, 664 00:27:29,929 --> 00:27:32,594 "BUT HOLD ON TO YOUR HAT, 665 00:27:32,597 --> 00:27:37,368 JESUS CHRIST WAS BORN A CAT." 666 00:27:39,005 --> 00:27:40,372 YOU SAY IT. 667 00:27:40,374 --> 00:27:41,573 NEXT. 668 00:27:44,913 --> 00:27:46,913 CAN I JUST SAY BEFORE YOU START 669 00:27:46,915 --> 00:27:49,082 THAT ALL MY HOPES FOR THIS COMPETITION, 670 00:27:49,084 --> 00:27:52,119 INDEED, ALL MY HOPES THAT, AFTER TEN YEARS, 671 00:27:52,122 --> 00:27:56,960 THERE IS ONE SHRED OF TALENT AND SANITY LEFT IN THIS VILLAGE, 672 00:27:56,962 --> 00:28:00,496 ARE RESTING ENTIRELY UPON YOU. 673 00:28:06,239 --> 00:28:10,308 NO--NO--NO--NO-- NO--NO WORRIES. 674 00:28:10,310 --> 00:28:12,643 I WAS TRYING TO WORK OUT 675 00:28:12,646 --> 00:28:16,282 WHICH BIT OF THE NATIVITY STORY 676 00:28:16,284 --> 00:28:17,684 WAS NEVER DONE. 677 00:28:17,686 --> 00:28:19,119 GOOD. 678 00:28:19,121 --> 00:28:22,023 THEN I REALIZED... 679 00:28:22,025 --> 00:28:24,225 THE ACTUAL BIRTH. 680 00:28:24,227 --> 00:28:26,495 BAD. 681 00:28:26,497 --> 00:28:28,330 AND SO IT GOES...? 682 00:28:29,566 --> 00:28:32,502 "PRAISE THE LORD... 683 00:28:32,504 --> 00:28:37,175 HE'S COMING DOWN THE BIRTH CANAL." 684 00:28:39,613 --> 00:28:42,081 "HERE HE COMES, 685 00:28:42,083 --> 00:28:45,119 "WHEEEEEE! HEEEHEEEHEEE! 686 00:28:47,089 --> 00:28:51,425 "LOOK, THE MADONNA'S FULLY DILATED. 687 00:28:51,427 --> 00:28:56,697 SHE SHALL NOT NEED AN EPISIOTOMY." 688 00:29:02,474 --> 00:29:05,309 I RATHER LIKE THAT. 689 00:29:09,817 --> 00:29:14,086 OH, I CAN HARDLY WAIT FOR CHRISTMAS. 690 00:29:14,088 --> 00:29:15,822 IN FACT, LAST YEAR I COULDN'T WAIT, 691 00:29:15,824 --> 00:29:20,294 AND WE EVENTUALLY HAD IT ON OCTOBER THE 23rd. 692 00:29:20,296 --> 00:29:21,729 IT'S BEEN QUITE A YEAR, HASN'T IT? 693 00:29:21,731 --> 00:29:22,997 YEAH, IT HAS. 694 00:29:22,999 --> 00:29:24,799 ANY REGRETS? 695 00:29:24,802 --> 00:29:26,236 UH... 696 00:29:26,238 --> 00:29:28,738 GOING ON WIFE SWAP, I SUPPOSE. 697 00:29:28,740 --> 00:29:30,707 YOU THINK THAT WAS A MISTAKE? 698 00:29:30,709 --> 00:29:33,777 YEAH. DAVID WAS VERY UPSET AT THE END. 699 00:29:33,779 --> 00:29:35,746 WHEN YOU CAME BACK. 700 00:29:35,748 --> 00:29:37,149 THAT'S RIGHT, YEAH. 701 00:29:40,654 --> 00:29:42,321 OH, WHAT'S THIS? 702 00:29:42,323 --> 00:29:44,525 NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. 703 00:29:44,527 --> 00:29:46,660 NO, DON'T. 704 00:29:46,662 --> 00:29:48,495 "APPLICATION FOR THE POSITION OF DEACONESS 705 00:29:48,497 --> 00:29:51,433 IN THE DIOCESE OF CANTERBURY." 706 00:29:51,435 --> 00:29:52,434 YEP. 707 00:29:52,436 --> 00:29:53,902 ARE YOU GOING FOR ANOTHER JOB? 708 00:29:53,904 --> 00:29:56,272 UM, NO, NO, NO, DAVID MADE ME FILL THIS OUT. 709 00:29:56,274 --> 00:29:57,806 I WON'T GET IT. 710 00:29:57,809 --> 00:30:00,877 RIGHT. WELL, YOU CAN'T REALLY DO IT ANYWAY, CAN YOU, 711 00:30:00,879 --> 00:30:03,081 'CAUSE YOU'VE GOT A FULL-TIME JOB HERE. 712 00:30:03,083 --> 00:30:04,148 YOU WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO. 713 00:30:04,150 --> 00:30:05,850 YEAH, I HAVE, THAT'S RIGHT. 714 00:30:05,852 --> 00:30:07,286 AND OBVIOUSLY YOU'D NEVER LEAVE HERE, 715 00:30:07,288 --> 00:30:10,422 'CAUSE...WELL, IT WOULD BREAK MY HEART AND I'D DIE, 716 00:30:10,424 --> 00:30:12,092 SO YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT. 717 00:30:12,094 --> 00:30:14,260 RIGHT, RIGHT. 718 00:30:14,262 --> 00:30:16,497 WELL, THAT'S A USEFUL BIT OF INFO THERE. 719 00:30:16,499 --> 00:30:18,031 LISTEN, I'VE GOT TO GO. 720 00:30:18,033 --> 00:30:19,567 I'VE GOT TO START COOKING FOR YOUR PARTY. 721 00:30:19,570 --> 00:30:21,403 UM, HOW MANY SAUSAGE ROLLS 722 00:30:21,405 --> 00:30:23,638 DO YOU THINK YOU'LL EAT PERSONALLY? 723 00:30:23,640 --> 00:30:28,010 UM, NO LESS THAN FORTY-SIX. 724 00:30:28,012 --> 00:30:31,248 SEE YOU LATER. 725 00:30:31,251 --> 00:30:34,252 OH, HI, BOYS. VISITORS! 726 00:30:34,254 --> 00:30:35,820 OH. OKAY. 727 00:30:35,822 --> 00:30:39,357 OH, HI, BOYS. HOW CAN I HELP? 728 00:30:39,359 --> 00:30:41,327 IT'S ABOUT THE PARTY. 729 00:30:41,330 --> 00:30:42,962 WE KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LOVE CHOCOLATE, 730 00:30:42,964 --> 00:30:45,132 SO WE'VE DECIDED TO MAKE YOU 731 00:30:45,134 --> 00:30:47,801 A GREAT BIG CHOCOLATE FEATURE. 732 00:30:47,803 --> 00:30:49,570 OH, HOW EXCITING! 733 00:30:49,572 --> 00:30:51,739 HERE'S A ROUGH DRAWING OF IT. 734 00:30:51,741 --> 00:30:53,875 RIGHT. OKAY. 735 00:30:53,877 --> 00:30:56,513 IT'S A CHOCOLATE BABY JESUS. 736 00:30:56,515 --> 00:30:59,616 YES, LIFE-SIZE. 737 00:30:59,619 --> 00:31:01,985 WE'D JUST LIKE TO KNOW IF YOU'D LIKE 738 00:31:01,987 --> 00:31:04,456 SOME MARZIPAN ON HIM AS WELL. 739 00:31:04,458 --> 00:31:07,159 YOU WANT ME TO EAT BABY JESUS? 740 00:31:07,161 --> 00:31:09,060 YES, WHY NOT? 741 00:31:09,062 --> 00:31:12,666 WE EAT HIM EVERY SUNDAY, IN WAFER FORM. 742 00:31:12,667 --> 00:31:14,635 WELL, YES, BUT AS YOU'RE EATING HIM 743 00:31:14,637 --> 00:31:15,902 YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THINKING, 744 00:31:15,904 --> 00:31:17,237 "OH, HE DIED FOR OUR SINS," 745 00:31:17,239 --> 00:31:18,673 NOT, "HMM, THAT'S DELICIOUS 746 00:31:18,674 --> 00:31:21,210 AND I'M LOVING THAT PRALINE CENTER." 747 00:31:21,212 --> 00:31:23,144 IT'S A FAIR POINT. 748 00:31:23,146 --> 00:31:24,780 I'M SORRY GUYS, BUT HE IS THE SON OF GOD. 749 00:31:24,782 --> 00:31:27,651 I CAN'T JUST BITE BIG CHUNKS OUT OF HIM. 750 00:31:27,653 --> 00:31:29,986 WELL, NOT EVEN A TOE? 751 00:31:29,988 --> 00:31:33,191 NOT EVEN A CHUBBY LITTLE CHOCKY JESUS FINGER? 752 00:31:33,193 --> 00:31:34,992 WELL, YES, I ADMIT IT DOES LOOK DELICIOUS, 753 00:31:34,994 --> 00:31:38,096 BUT NO, I MUSTN'T. 754 00:31:38,098 --> 00:31:39,798 OH, NO--NO--NO--NO, NOT TO WORRY, 755 00:31:39,800 --> 00:31:41,867 WE'LL MOVE ON TO PLAN "B." 756 00:31:41,869 --> 00:31:43,269 RIGHT, WHAT'S PLAN "B"? 757 00:31:43,271 --> 00:31:45,739 CALL HIM BABY JUDAS... 758 00:31:49,645 --> 00:31:53,648 ...AND THEN EAT THE LITTLE BASTARD IN ONE SITTING. 759 00:31:53,650 --> 00:31:56,552 UM, NO, NO. 760 00:31:56,554 --> 00:31:58,654 WELL, THEN IT'S ON TO PLAN "C," 761 00:31:58,656 --> 00:32:00,357 WHICH HAS TO BE A SURPRISE. 762 00:32:00,360 --> 00:32:01,658 WHY? 763 00:32:01,660 --> 00:32:03,460 BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T THOUGHT OF IT YET. 764 00:32:03,462 --> 00:32:04,795 RIGHT. 765 00:32:04,797 --> 00:32:06,632 ANY OTHER BUSINESS, OR...? 766 00:32:06,634 --> 00:32:08,133 YES, THERE IS ONE OTHER THING. 767 00:32:08,135 --> 00:32:10,202 IT'S ABOUT FRANK. 768 00:32:10,204 --> 00:32:12,339 HE SAYS HE WANTS THE PARTY 769 00:32:12,341 --> 00:32:13,973 TO BE THE BEST YOU'VE EVER HAD 770 00:32:13,975 --> 00:32:16,110 AND TO BE AN EVENING 771 00:32:16,111 --> 00:32:18,879 OF NON-STOP LAUGHTER AND FUN. 772 00:32:18,881 --> 00:32:20,481 AH, SPLENDID. 773 00:32:20,483 --> 00:32:23,785 SO HE'S DECIDED NOT TO COME. 774 00:32:23,787 --> 00:32:25,622 OHH.... 775 00:32:25,624 --> 00:32:27,658 YES, HE SAID HE DIDN'T WANT TO SPOIL THINGS, 776 00:32:27,660 --> 00:32:31,094 BECAUSE HE'S SOOOOO DULL. 777 00:32:31,096 --> 00:32:34,231 OH, LORD. POOR MAN. 778 00:32:34,233 --> 00:32:36,769 IS THAT ALL HE SAID? SURELY HE SAID MORE THAN THAT. 779 00:32:36,770 --> 00:32:39,004 WELL, YES, HE DID, 780 00:32:39,006 --> 00:32:41,308 BUT WE DOZED OFF. 781 00:32:44,413 --> 00:32:47,180 I JUST KNOW THAT THAT AT ANY PARTY I'M AT, 782 00:32:47,182 --> 00:32:49,651 I BORE EVERYONE RIGID. 783 00:32:49,653 --> 00:32:51,052 OH, THAT'S NONSENSE, FRANK. 784 00:32:51,054 --> 00:32:52,321 WHO'S TOLD YOU THAT? 785 00:32:52,323 --> 00:32:53,922 MR. HORTON. 786 00:32:55,059 --> 00:32:56,793 MY FATHER. 787 00:32:58,330 --> 00:33:00,598 MY MOTHER. 788 00:33:00,600 --> 00:33:03,634 BOTH MY SISTERS. 789 00:33:03,636 --> 00:33:06,672 MY PSYCHIATRIST. 790 00:33:06,674 --> 00:33:08,073 YOU. 791 00:33:08,075 --> 00:33:10,343 WELL, YOU DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE 792 00:33:10,345 --> 00:33:12,211 ANYTHING I SAY, FRANK. 793 00:33:12,213 --> 00:33:13,781 WHAT ABOUT THE HALLOWEEN PARTY? 794 00:33:13,783 --> 00:33:15,915 I DON'T RECALL YOU BORING ANYONE THERE. 795 00:33:15,918 --> 00:33:17,452 I DIDN'T. YOU SEE? 796 00:33:17,454 --> 00:33:19,587 I WASN'T THERE. 797 00:33:19,589 --> 00:33:22,123 I'VE MADE UP MY MIND, I-- 798 00:33:22,125 --> 00:33:23,726 YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO DO WITHOUT ME. 799 00:33:23,728 --> 00:33:26,028 WELL, THAT'S A BIG DISAPPOINTMENT, FRANK. 800 00:33:26,030 --> 00:33:27,229 OH, WELL. 801 00:33:27,231 --> 00:33:30,468 BECAUSE, SHE SAID, REGRETTING IT ALREADY, 802 00:33:30,470 --> 00:33:34,740 I WAS RATHER HOPING YOU'D MAKE THE KEYNOTE SPEECH. 803 00:33:34,742 --> 00:33:35,973 REALLY? 804 00:33:35,975 --> 00:33:37,041 ABSOLUTELY. 805 00:33:37,043 --> 00:33:38,910 I CAN SAY WITH TOTAL HONESTY, FRANK, 806 00:33:38,912 --> 00:33:41,413 THAT NO ONE GIVES A SPEECH LIKE YOU. 807 00:33:41,415 --> 00:33:43,916 I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. 808 00:33:46,588 --> 00:33:48,556 IN THAT CASE... 809 00:33:48,559 --> 00:33:51,058 I'D LOVE TO COME. 810 00:33:51,061 --> 00:33:52,327 GOOD. GOOD. 811 00:33:52,329 --> 00:33:54,564 BUT YOU KNOW, I CAN'T THINK 812 00:33:54,566 --> 00:33:58,569 WHEN I'VE BEEN SO HONOURED. 813 00:33:58,571 --> 00:34:01,239 I CAN THINK OF FIVE OCCASIONS 814 00:34:01,240 --> 00:34:04,308 WHEN I WAS ALMOST AS HONOURED. 815 00:34:04,310 --> 00:34:06,544 AFTER THE SUEZ CRISIS, I-- 816 00:34:06,546 --> 00:34:07,680 STOP RIGHT THERE, MISTER! 817 00:34:07,682 --> 00:34:09,214 YOU'VE GOT TO GET HOME STRAIGHT AWAY 818 00:34:09,216 --> 00:34:11,283 AND FINISH THAT SPEECH, HAVEN'T YOU? 819 00:34:11,285 --> 00:34:12,786 OFF YOU GO. 820 00:34:12,788 --> 00:34:15,288 TRY TO MAKE IT SHORTER THAN THE DOOMSDAY BOOK. 821 00:34:15,290 --> 00:34:17,190 YES. HA HA HA! 822 00:34:18,227 --> 00:34:20,161 YEAH... 823 00:34:20,163 --> 00:34:22,264 I'VE GOT TO ESCAPE. 824 00:34:22,265 --> 00:34:25,033 NOTHING IS EVER GOING TO CHANGE IN THIS VILLAGE. 825 00:34:25,035 --> 00:34:27,604 I HAVE GOT TO ESCAPE. 826 00:34:30,274 --> 00:34:32,009 David: GOOD EVENING, VICAR. 827 00:34:32,011 --> 00:34:33,577 MERRY CHRISTMAS. 828 00:34:33,579 --> 00:34:36,815 I THINK YOU'RE IN FOR A VERY SPECIAL EVENING. 829 00:34:36,818 --> 00:34:38,283 AH, GOOD. 830 00:34:38,284 --> 00:34:40,753 OH, INTERESTING BANNER. 831 00:34:40,755 --> 00:34:44,525 "TEN GLORIOUS EARS." 832 00:34:44,527 --> 00:34:46,059 YEAH, THE "Y" FELL OFF. 833 00:34:46,061 --> 00:34:47,795 I WAS HOPING YOU WOULDN'T NOTICE. 834 00:34:47,797 --> 00:34:49,463 SHALL WE GO IN? 835 00:34:49,465 --> 00:34:51,734 WELL, ALICE IS JUST BRINGING THE CHILDREN DOWN. 836 00:34:51,736 --> 00:34:54,003 THEY WANTED TO SAY CONGRATULATIONS, BUT THEY'RE ONLY LITTLE 837 00:34:54,005 --> 00:34:55,771 AND "CONGRATULATIONS" IS HARD TO PRONOUNCE, 838 00:34:55,773 --> 00:34:57,541 SO THEY'RE GOING TO SAY, "NICE ONE." 839 00:34:58,644 --> 00:35:00,477 OH, HERE THEY COME. 840 00:35:00,479 --> 00:35:02,346 COME ON, MY DARLINGS. 841 00:35:04,652 --> 00:35:05,983 AND COME... 842 00:35:07,589 --> 00:35:09,254 AND MORE ARE COMING. 843 00:35:11,159 --> 00:35:12,892 OH, GOODNESS, ALICE AND HUGO 844 00:35:12,894 --> 00:35:14,794 HAVE BEEN BUSY, HAVEN'T THEY? 845 00:35:17,601 --> 00:35:20,201 NOW, IF YOU'D CARE TO COME THROUGH. 846 00:35:20,203 --> 00:35:22,270 OH, POOR THINGS. 847 00:35:23,307 --> 00:35:26,342 TEN GLORIOUS YEARS! 848 00:35:26,343 --> 00:35:29,981 THANK YOU. I AM VERY MOVED. 849 00:35:29,982 --> 00:35:31,181 I CAN'T THINK OF ANYWHERE 850 00:35:31,183 --> 00:35:33,417 THAT I'D RATHER HAVE WASTED MY LIFE. 851 00:35:35,989 --> 00:35:38,223 AND HOW LOVELY TO BE IN THIS... 852 00:35:38,225 --> 00:35:41,360 EXTRAORDINARY ROOM. 853 00:35:41,361 --> 00:35:44,899 THE STUBBS, DAVID, EXQUISITE THOUGH IT IS-- 854 00:35:44,901 --> 00:35:48,669 AND MY GOD, IT IS LOVELY, ISN'T IT?-- 855 00:35:48,671 --> 00:35:52,107 WELL, IT LOOKS COMPLETELY OUT OF PLACE NOW. 856 00:35:52,109 --> 00:35:54,176 TOLD YOU. 857 00:35:54,178 --> 00:35:57,915 ATTENTION, ATTENTION. LET THE CEREMONIES BEGIN. 858 00:35:57,917 --> 00:36:00,317 FIRST OF ALL, THE VICAR HAS ASKED FRANK 859 00:36:00,319 --> 00:36:01,551 TO SAY A FEW WORDS. 860 00:36:01,554 --> 00:36:04,789 ( Frank clears throat ) 861 00:36:06,960 --> 00:36:11,097 I WAS BORN HERE IN DIBLEY, 862 00:36:11,100 --> 00:36:16,638 ON THE 12th OF AUGUST, 1929. 863 00:36:16,640 --> 00:36:19,540 AND IN THE LIGHT 864 00:36:19,542 --> 00:36:21,242 OF THE PRESENT OCCASION, 865 00:36:21,244 --> 00:36:23,412 I THOUGHT I WOULD REVIEW 866 00:36:23,413 --> 00:36:25,981 EVERY SINGLE VICAR 867 00:36:25,983 --> 00:36:28,118 WHO SERVED HERE 868 00:36:28,120 --> 00:36:30,287 SINCE I WAS BORN. 869 00:36:31,991 --> 00:36:34,158 OH, NO. 870 00:36:34,160 --> 00:36:38,030 I DID, AND OF ALL OF THEM, 871 00:36:38,033 --> 00:36:39,731 YOU, VICAR, 872 00:36:39,734 --> 00:36:43,871 ARE QUITE THE BEST EVER. 873 00:36:43,873 --> 00:36:45,706 THANK YOU. 874 00:36:50,814 --> 00:36:53,014 BRAVO, FRANK. WELL DONE. 875 00:36:53,016 --> 00:36:54,550 BEST SPEECH YOU'VE EVER MADE. 876 00:36:54,552 --> 00:36:57,320 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THE VICAR ASKED ME TO KEEP IT SHORT. 877 00:36:57,322 --> 00:36:59,956 OH, I'VE ACHIEVED SOMETHING AT LAST! 878 00:36:59,958 --> 00:37:03,394 AND WE MOVE ON, WITH A SENSE OF TITANIC RELIEF, 879 00:37:03,396 --> 00:37:04,962 TO NOT ONE, BUT TWO SURPRISES. 880 00:37:04,964 --> 00:37:06,197 OWEN AND JIM. 881 00:37:06,199 --> 00:37:09,968 VICAR, MAY WE PRESENT FOR YOUR DELIGHT... 882 00:37:09,971 --> 00:37:12,438 NOT A CHOCOLATE JESUS... 883 00:37:12,440 --> 00:37:15,342 NOT A CHOCOLATE JUDAS... 884 00:37:15,344 --> 00:37:17,945 BUT... AS YOU WILL SEE... 885 00:37:21,118 --> 00:37:23,452 A CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN! 886 00:37:26,624 --> 00:37:29,559 OH, COME TO MOTHER! 887 00:37:29,561 --> 00:37:31,195 Owen: SEE, YOU TAKE A MARSHMALLOW, AND YOU ... 888 00:37:31,198 --> 00:37:32,796 YES, I KNOW WHAT TO DO OWEN, 889 00:37:32,798 --> 00:37:33,964 GET OUT OF THE WAY! 890 00:37:35,869 --> 00:37:37,203 AAH... 891 00:37:39,407 --> 00:37:43,043 HMM, THAT IS VERY, VERY GOOD. 892 00:37:43,045 --> 00:37:45,445 AND YOU CAN TRY THE FRUIT. 893 00:37:45,447 --> 00:37:47,414 YES, OF COURSE I COULD TRY THE FRUIT, JIM-- 894 00:37:47,416 --> 00:37:49,350 IF I WAS A TOTAL IDIOT! 895 00:37:49,352 --> 00:37:50,853 I MEAN, WHAT IS THE POINT OF FRUIT 896 00:37:50,855 --> 00:37:52,755 WHERE CHOCOLATE'S CONCERNED? 897 00:37:52,757 --> 00:37:54,389 I COULD JUST STICK MY FINGER IN 898 00:37:54,392 --> 00:37:56,425 AND CUT OUT THE GO-BETWEEN, COULDN'T I? 899 00:38:00,967 --> 00:38:03,734 OH, THAT IS-- THAT IS REALLY GOOD. 900 00:38:03,736 --> 00:38:05,470 IN FACT, UM... 901 00:38:05,472 --> 00:38:09,308 SORRY, IF YOU DON'T MIND, JUST EXCUSE ME A MOMENT. 902 00:38:11,512 --> 00:38:13,413 OH... 903 00:38:17,620 --> 00:38:20,722 MMM, YEAH, YEAH, THAT IS FANTASTIC. 904 00:38:22,125 --> 00:38:23,859 David: EXCELLENT. 905 00:38:23,861 --> 00:38:25,327 WELL DONE, BOYS. 906 00:38:25,329 --> 00:38:26,662 AND NOW FOR OUR SECOND, 907 00:38:26,664 --> 00:38:29,733 I DARE SAY RATHER MORE EXTRAORDINARY, SURPRISE-- 908 00:38:29,735 --> 00:38:31,568 WE HAVE A VISITOR. 909 00:38:31,569 --> 00:38:33,037 OH, DEAR. SORRY? 910 00:38:33,039 --> 00:38:36,208 OH, DEAR, DEAR, DEAR. 911 00:38:36,209 --> 00:38:38,577 I'M AFRAID THERE'S A SLIGHT PROBLEM DEVELOPING. 912 00:38:38,578 --> 00:38:39,778 WELL, CAN I HELP? 913 00:38:39,780 --> 00:38:42,282 NO, YOU CAN'T HELP AT ALL, I'M AFRAID. 914 00:38:42,285 --> 00:38:43,416 I WISH YOU COULD HELP, 915 00:38:43,418 --> 00:38:45,152 BUT, UM... 916 00:38:45,154 --> 00:38:47,321 IT'S JUST TOO LATE. 917 00:38:47,323 --> 00:38:48,789 COULD YOU HOLD THIS FOR ME, PLEASE? 918 00:38:50,260 --> 00:38:53,161 BECAUSE I'M GOING IN! 919 00:39:01,407 --> 00:39:03,374 ( groans and moans ) 920 00:39:04,411 --> 00:39:06,478 OH, HA HA HA! 921 00:39:09,984 --> 00:39:12,152 SORRY, YOU WERE SAYING ABOUT A SECOND SURPRISE? 922 00:39:12,154 --> 00:39:15,288 I'M NOT SURE THAT THE TIMING IS PERFECT, 923 00:39:15,291 --> 00:39:17,959 BUT UNFORTUNATELY HE HAS A VERY TIGHT SCHEDULE, 924 00:39:17,961 --> 00:39:19,727 IT BEING CHRISTMAS EVE. 925 00:39:19,729 --> 00:39:21,763 OH, IT'S FATHER CHRISTMAS? 926 00:39:21,765 --> 00:39:24,032 SADLY, NO. 927 00:39:24,035 --> 00:39:25,434 TO HONOUR YOUR TEN YEARS HERE, 928 00:39:25,436 --> 00:39:26,870 I'VE CONVINCED AN OLD FRIEND 929 00:39:26,872 --> 00:39:30,574 TO DROP BY TO SEE YOU TONIGHT. 930 00:39:30,576 --> 00:39:33,879 MAY I PRESENT THE ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY? 931 00:39:33,881 --> 00:39:36,883 HA HA HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA HA! 932 00:39:36,885 --> 00:39:38,016 OH! THAT'S A GOOD ONE! 933 00:39:45,728 --> 00:39:48,663 GERALDINE, THIS IS THE ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY. 934 00:39:48,664 --> 00:39:52,834 ARCHBISHOP, THIS IS GERALDINE, OUR VICAR. 935 00:39:52,836 --> 00:39:55,671 SHE'S NOT USUALLY COVERED IN CHOCOLATE. 936 00:39:55,672 --> 00:39:57,908 MERRY CHRISTMAS, MY CHILD. 937 00:39:57,910 --> 00:40:01,012 THANK YOU, YOUR GRACE. 938 00:40:01,014 --> 00:40:03,714 DO FEEL FREE TO LICK ME, 939 00:40:03,716 --> 00:40:06,285 IF YOU SO DESIRE. 940 00:40:06,287 --> 00:40:08,388 NO, THANK YOU. 941 00:40:09,958 --> 00:40:13,693 PLEASE YOURSELF. IT'S A FREE COUNTRY. 942 00:40:24,041 --> 00:40:25,908 ( sighs ) 943 00:40:43,866 --> 00:40:47,736 CHANCES OF EVER BEING PROMOTED TO BISHOP: 944 00:40:47,737 --> 00:40:50,806 ABOUT THE SAME AS THE CHANCES OF JORDAN 945 00:40:50,808 --> 00:40:53,408 WINNING THE UNITED KINGDOM COUNTRYWIDE SEARCH 946 00:40:53,411 --> 00:40:55,778 FOR MISS TINY TITS. 947 00:41:00,252 --> 00:41:03,020 OH, DEAR, DEAR, 948 00:41:03,022 --> 00:41:06,791 DEAR, DEAR, DEAR JESUS. 949 00:41:06,794 --> 00:41:07,993 YOU KNOW THAT THING YOU DID, 950 00:41:07,995 --> 00:41:10,096 CHANGING THE WATER INTO WINE? 951 00:41:10,098 --> 00:41:12,766 WELL, IF YOU COULD DO THE OPPOSITE FOR ME NOW, 952 00:41:12,768 --> 00:41:15,202 WITH THOSE THREE BOTTLES I'VE JUST SWALLOWED, 953 00:41:15,204 --> 00:41:17,538 THAT WOULD BE VERY, VERY HELPFUL. 954 00:41:17,540 --> 00:41:20,943 OTHERWISE, I FEAR I MAY FALL OVER. 955 00:41:23,013 --> 00:41:24,647 ( doorbell rings ) 956 00:41:24,649 --> 00:41:26,315 COME IN. 957 00:41:26,317 --> 00:41:29,251 I WAS JUST WONDERING WHETHER WE SHOULD-- 958 00:41:29,253 --> 00:41:30,754 OH. ARE-- 959 00:41:31,959 --> 00:41:33,492 YOU'D BETTER GO AWAY, 960 00:41:33,494 --> 00:41:38,130 BECAUSE I'VE HAD A TEENY BIT TOO MUCH TO DRINK, 961 00:41:38,132 --> 00:41:40,265 AND SO I'M GOING TO HAVE A LITTLE SLEEP NOW, 962 00:41:40,267 --> 00:41:43,036 SO THAT I DON'T HAVE A HANGOVER 963 00:41:43,038 --> 00:41:45,472 FOR TOMORROW'S VERY IMPORTANT SERVICE. 964 00:41:45,474 --> 00:41:47,809 AND WHAT ABOUT TONIGHT'S SERVICE? 965 00:41:49,646 --> 00:41:50,745 WHAT? 966 00:41:50,747 --> 00:41:53,015 MIDNIGHT MASS STARTS IN... 967 00:41:53,017 --> 00:41:54,718 NINE MINUTES. 968 00:41:54,720 --> 00:41:56,820 BIGGEST SERVICE OF THE YEAR. 969 00:41:56,821 --> 00:42:00,591 AH. YOU SEE, THE THING IS, 970 00:42:00,593 --> 00:42:02,860 I'VE COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN ABOUT THAT. 971 00:42:02,862 --> 00:42:04,095 RIGHT. 972 00:42:04,097 --> 00:42:07,666 AND BECAUSE OF THAT MISTAKE... 973 00:42:07,668 --> 00:42:09,300 YES? 974 00:42:09,302 --> 00:42:11,739 I'M IN PRETTY SERIOUS TROUBLE NOW. 975 00:42:11,741 --> 00:42:13,206 YEP. 976 00:42:13,207 --> 00:42:15,509 I'M IN PRETTY SERIOUS TROUBLE NOW. 977 00:42:15,511 --> 00:42:18,079 YEP. 978 00:42:18,081 --> 00:42:20,015 I'M IN PRETTY SERIOUS TROUBLE NOW. 979 00:42:20,018 --> 00:42:21,349 YES. 980 00:42:22,554 --> 00:42:23,986 THANK YOU. 981 00:42:25,590 --> 00:42:26,956 IS IT WORKING? 982 00:42:26,958 --> 00:42:29,226 D'YOU KNOW, I THINK IT IS, YES. 983 00:42:32,165 --> 00:42:35,734 ♪ I DO LIKE TO BE BESIDE THE SEASIDE ♪ 984 00:42:35,736 --> 00:42:37,469 ♪ OH, I DO LIKE TO BE ♪ 985 00:42:44,113 --> 00:42:47,982 RIGHT, LET'S HAVE A LOOK. 986 00:42:47,984 --> 00:42:52,120 I'M REALLY SORRY I HAVE TO DO THIS, BUT IT IS THE ONLY WAY. 987 00:42:52,122 --> 00:42:55,024 DO WHAT? WHAT'S THE ONLY WAY? 988 00:42:55,026 --> 00:42:56,225 OHH! 989 00:42:56,227 --> 00:42:58,896 OKAY, YEAH, THAT HURT. 990 00:42:58,897 --> 00:43:02,365 AHEM. I THINK IT'S DONE THE TRICK, THOUGH. YEAH. 991 00:43:02,367 --> 00:43:05,270 OKAY. LET'S GO. 992 00:43:05,271 --> 00:43:07,974 ♪ I DO LIKE TO RIDE ALONG THE PROM-PROM ♪ 993 00:43:07,976 --> 00:43:09,675 ( crash ) 994 00:43:11,179 --> 00:43:14,147 ( organ music ) 995 00:43:33,305 --> 00:43:35,707 GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME. 996 00:43:35,709 --> 00:43:38,911 UM, AS YOU KNOW, ONE OF THE BIGGEST PROBLEMS 997 00:43:38,913 --> 00:43:43,751 FACING OUR SOCIETY TODAY IS THAT OF BINGE DRINKING. 998 00:43:46,055 --> 00:43:49,791 AND OUR VICAR HAS HAD A RATHER WONDERFUL IDEA 999 00:43:49,793 --> 00:43:52,394 OF SHOWING US JUST HOW TERRIBLE IT IS 1000 00:43:52,396 --> 00:43:54,563 BY IMAGINING HOW 1001 00:43:54,565 --> 00:43:58,568 IF SOMEONE LIKE A VICAR WAS COMPLETELY DRUNK, 1002 00:43:58,570 --> 00:44:01,739 THE WHOLE OF SOCIETY WOULD JUST FALL APART. 1003 00:44:02,877 --> 00:44:04,375 VICAR. 1004 00:44:09,984 --> 00:44:12,153 Geraldine: NO, THAT'S WRONG. 1005 00:44:15,291 --> 00:44:17,391 EXCUSE ME. THANK YOU. 1006 00:44:17,393 --> 00:44:18,393 OOOH! 1007 00:44:21,519 --> 00:44:26,725 FIVE... GO-OLD... RRRIIINGS! 1008 00:44:27,959 --> 00:44:28,959 BRAVO! 1009 00:44:39,174 --> 00:44:42,076 MILK, MILK, LEMONADE... 1010 00:44:44,080 --> 00:44:45,312 HELLO, YOU. 1011 00:44:46,649 --> 00:44:48,016 I HAVEN'T TOLD ANYONE ABOUT YOUR BOOB JOB. 1012 00:44:50,420 --> 00:44:51,987 AND YOU... 1013 00:44:51,989 --> 00:44:54,990 YOU THINK NO ONE'S NOTICED THAT YOU'RE BALD, 1014 00:44:54,993 --> 00:44:58,361 BUT EVERYONE'S LOOKING AT YOU AND THINKING, 1015 00:44:58,363 --> 00:45:00,464 "MY GOODNESS, WHY HAS THAT MAN 1016 00:45:00,466 --> 00:45:04,235 GOT A MASSIVE EGG FOR A HEAD?" 1017 00:45:05,706 --> 00:45:07,539 CRACK ON! 1018 00:45:10,979 --> 00:45:12,612 MORE. MORE UP. 1019 00:45:12,614 --> 00:45:14,448 MORE UP. 1020 00:45:14,450 --> 00:45:16,717 ( grunts ) 1021 00:45:16,719 --> 00:45:18,252 OH... 1022 00:45:18,254 --> 00:45:19,687 COME ON! 1023 00:45:20,924 --> 00:45:22,724 ON THIS DAY, 1024 00:45:22,726 --> 00:45:26,162 MANY, MANY, MANY YEARS AGO, 1025 00:45:26,164 --> 00:45:28,232 A CHILD WAS BORN. 1026 00:45:28,234 --> 00:45:30,734 AND HIS NAME WAS-- 1027 00:45:32,205 --> 00:45:33,772 ( mumbles ) 1028 00:45:33,774 --> 00:45:36,174 OHH... 1029 00:45:36,176 --> 00:45:39,345 I KNOW THIS. IT'S IN THAT, UM, 1030 00:45:39,347 --> 00:45:40,746 IT'S IN THAT BOOK, ISN'T IT? 1031 00:45:42,050 --> 00:45:44,217 "J"... 1032 00:45:44,219 --> 00:45:47,155 JEREMY. NO, THAT'S NOT RIGHT, IS IT? 1033 00:45:47,157 --> 00:45:48,856 JESUS. 1034 00:45:48,858 --> 00:45:51,526 JESUS. NO, THAT'S NOT RIGHT, EITHER. 1035 00:45:51,528 --> 00:45:52,896 ANYWAY, IT DOESN'T MATTER, 1036 00:45:52,898 --> 00:45:54,562 DOESN'T MATTER, WHAT'S IN A NAME? 1037 00:45:54,564 --> 00:45:58,468 THE LONG AND SHORT OF IT IS THAT HE WAS 1038 00:45:58,469 --> 00:46:01,739 A VERY, VERY NICE GUY, APPARENTLY. 1039 00:46:01,741 --> 00:46:03,207 HA HA HA HA! 1040 00:46:03,209 --> 00:46:06,244 TWO IMPORTANT THINGS TO REMEMBER ABOUT HIM: 1041 00:46:06,246 --> 00:46:07,946 ONE... 1042 00:46:07,948 --> 00:46:10,483 HE LOVED ALL OF US, 1043 00:46:10,484 --> 00:46:14,354 AND HE HAD A NICE FLUFFY BEARD. 1044 00:46:14,356 --> 00:46:16,925 AND THREE-- 1045 00:46:16,927 --> 00:46:19,360 TWO, ONE... 1046 00:46:19,362 --> 00:46:21,697 THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO! 1047 00:46:27,072 --> 00:46:28,638 ( applause ) 1048 00:46:32,912 --> 00:46:35,380 AND NOW FOR THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE SERVICE, 1049 00:46:35,382 --> 00:46:39,853 THE NEW DIBLEY CAROL, FROM JIM TROTT. 1050 00:46:39,855 --> 00:46:41,688 ( organ music ) 1051 00:46:41,690 --> 00:46:45,993 ♪ PRAISE THE LORD, HE'S COMING DOWN THE BIRTH CANAL ♪ 1052 00:46:45,995 --> 00:46:47,395 ♪ HERE HE COMES NOW ♪ 1053 00:46:47,397 --> 00:46:50,732 ♪ WHEEEEHEEEEHEEEE ♪ ♪ WHEEEEHEEE ♪ 1054 00:46:50,734 --> 00:46:53,870 ♪ WHEEEEHEEEEHEEEE ♪ ♪ WHEEEEHEEE ♪ 1055 00:46:53,872 --> 00:46:59,344 ♪ LOOK, THE MADONNA IS FULLY DILATED ♪ 1056 00:46:59,346 --> 00:47:02,080 ♪ SHE SHALL NOT NEED, SHE SHALL NOT NEED ♪ 1057 00:47:02,082 --> 00:47:05,684 ♪ AN EPISIOTOMY ♪ 1058 00:47:05,686 --> 00:47:07,519 ♪ WHEEEHEEEHEEE ♪ ♪ WHEEEEHEEEE ♪ 1059 00:47:07,521 --> 00:47:10,323 ♪ WHEEEHEEE ♪ ♪ WHEEEEHEEE ♪ 1060 00:47:10,325 --> 00:47:12,225 ♪ WHEEHEEEHEEE ♪ ♪ WHEEHEEHEE ♪ 1061 00:47:12,227 --> 00:47:15,696 ♪ PRAISE, PRAISE, PRAISE THE LORD ♪ 1062 00:47:15,698 --> 00:47:20,335 ♪ CLEAN UP THE MESS AND CUT THE CORD ♪ 1063 00:47:20,337 --> 00:47:23,405 ♪ CUT, CUT THE CORD ♪ 1064 00:47:23,407 --> 00:47:26,075 ( applause ) 1065 00:47:29,415 --> 00:47:30,915 IT'S WONDERFUL WHEN YOU KNOW 1066 00:47:30,917 --> 00:47:33,117 YOU'VE GOT SOMEONE EXACTLY THE RIGHT PRESENT. 1067 00:47:33,119 --> 00:47:35,086 I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THE SMILE ON HER FACE. 1068 00:47:35,088 --> 00:47:36,588 NOR CAN I. 1069 00:47:39,294 --> 00:47:40,626 THOUGH IT WILL PROBABLY BE LIKE 1070 00:47:40,629 --> 00:47:43,430 THE SMILE ON HER FACE RIGHT NOW. 1071 00:47:43,432 --> 00:47:45,599 THOUGH, ACTUALLY, I SUPPOSE THE SMILE WILL BE SMALLER, 1072 00:47:45,601 --> 00:47:46,901 BECAUSE SHE'S ALREADY GOT A REINDEER NOW, 1073 00:47:46,903 --> 00:47:48,636 AND THEIRS IS SO MUCH BIGGER. 1074 00:47:49,873 --> 00:47:51,875 YES, BUT SHE'S SUCH A LOVELY LADY, 1075 00:47:51,876 --> 00:47:53,142 SHE'LL PROBABLY PUT ON A BRAVE FACE 1076 00:47:53,144 --> 00:47:55,945 WHEN SHE SEES OUR VERY INFERIOR PRESENT, 1077 00:47:55,947 --> 00:47:58,815 ON WHICH YOU SAVED TEN MEASLY POUNDS. 1078 00:47:58,817 --> 00:48:00,017 HI! 1079 00:48:02,188 --> 00:48:04,823 COME ON! COME IN. 1080 00:48:04,825 --> 00:48:06,291 RIGHT. 1081 00:48:06,293 --> 00:48:09,061 GET THIS BACK TO THE HOUSE AND WRAP SOMETHING ELSE. 1082 00:48:09,063 --> 00:48:10,062 WHAT? 1083 00:48:10,065 --> 00:48:11,699 I DON'T KNOW. A DRAWING PIN. 1084 00:48:11,701 --> 00:48:13,633 NO, BIGGER. A BED. 1085 00:48:13,636 --> 00:48:14,702 NO, SMALLER. 1086 00:48:14,705 --> 00:48:16,971 RIGHT. GOT IT, SOMETHING IN BETWEEN 1087 00:48:16,973 --> 00:48:19,474 A DRAWING PIN AND A BED. 1088 00:48:19,476 --> 00:48:21,343 AND MAKE IT SOMETHING TASTEFUL. 1089 00:48:21,345 --> 00:48:23,280 RIGHT... 1090 00:48:23,281 --> 00:48:25,381 NOT PINK. 1091 00:48:29,221 --> 00:48:31,423 HAPPY CHRISTMAS, VICAR. 1092 00:48:31,425 --> 00:48:33,057 MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE. 1093 00:48:33,059 --> 00:48:34,759 I'M SORRY THERE'S ONLY A DRIBBLE OF WINE LEFT, 1094 00:48:34,761 --> 00:48:39,065 BUT THE OFF-LICENSE RAN...OUT OF IT. 1095 00:48:39,067 --> 00:48:42,869 RIGHT. TIME FOR YOUR TEN-YEAR PRESENT. 1096 00:48:42,871 --> 00:48:44,839 DID YOU SEE WHAT THE GUYS GOT FOR ME? 1097 00:48:44,841 --> 00:48:46,374 THAT HUGE REINDEER THAT I WANTED. 1098 00:48:46,376 --> 00:48:47,943 YES, INDEED. 1099 00:48:47,944 --> 00:48:50,111 THERE WAS A SMALLER ONE THERE WHICH WAS CHEAPER. 1100 00:48:50,114 --> 00:48:52,347 BUT AFTER TEN YEARS, WE THOUGHT 1101 00:48:52,350 --> 00:48:55,486 THE VICAR DESERVES THE BIGGEST AND THE BEST. 1102 00:48:55,488 --> 00:48:57,687 SO WE SWAPPED THE PRICE TAGS OVER 1103 00:48:57,689 --> 00:49:00,759 AND GOT THAT ONE. 1104 00:49:00,761 --> 00:49:03,963 EXCELLENT. WELL, I THINK I KNOW 1105 00:49:03,964 --> 00:49:05,397 WHAT YOU'VE GOT FOR ME, DAVID. 1106 00:49:05,399 --> 00:49:07,433 OH, I DOUBT IT. I DECIDED IT WAS DULL 1107 00:49:07,435 --> 00:49:09,870 TO JUST GIVE YOU AN ILLUSTRATED BIBLE. 1108 00:49:09,872 --> 00:49:11,472 OH, THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT, 1109 00:49:11,474 --> 00:49:12,706 BECAUSE I'VE GOT 23 OF THEM ALREADY 1110 00:49:12,708 --> 00:49:14,943 AND THAT WAS THE LAST THING I WANTED. 1111 00:49:14,945 --> 00:49:17,078 SO, I GOT YOU THE BIBLE. 1112 00:49:17,080 --> 00:49:19,915 RIGHT, THAT'S FANTASTIC. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 1113 00:49:19,917 --> 00:49:21,518 THAT'S JUST WHAT I WANTED. 1114 00:49:21,520 --> 00:49:24,354 AND WE'VE GOT SOMETHING ELSE, 1115 00:49:24,355 --> 00:49:26,723 WHICH ALICE IS JUST BRINGING. 1116 00:49:26,725 --> 00:49:28,860 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 1117 00:49:28,862 --> 00:49:30,896 GOT IT. 1118 00:49:30,898 --> 00:49:35,200 David: GOOD. GERALDINE, PLEASE ACCEPT THIS FROM THE HORTON FAMILY 1119 00:49:35,202 --> 00:49:38,571 AS THE SMALLEST TOKEN OF OUR LOVE AND GRATITUDE 1120 00:49:38,573 --> 00:49:40,641 FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS. 1121 00:49:40,643 --> 00:49:42,843 WHAT EXCITEMENT! 1122 00:49:42,845 --> 00:49:43,912 SPEECH, SPEECH. 1123 00:49:43,914 --> 00:49:45,179 YES, WELL, VERY WELL. 1124 00:49:46,749 --> 00:49:49,351 FIRST, I THINK I SPEAK FOR ALL OF US 1125 00:49:49,353 --> 00:49:51,286 WHEN I SAY THAT IF YOU THINK FOR ONE MOMENT 1126 00:49:51,288 --> 00:49:53,824 THAT YOU GOT AWAY WITH BEING PISSED LAST NIGHT, 1127 00:49:53,826 --> 00:49:55,124 YOU ARE TOTALLY WRONG. 1128 00:49:55,126 --> 00:49:58,663 OH GOD! 1129 00:49:58,665 --> 00:50:03,468 BUT ALSO, I KNOW I SPEAK FOR US ALL... 1130 00:50:03,470 --> 00:50:06,505 WHEN I SAY THAT WE DON'T GIVE A DAMN. 1131 00:50:06,507 --> 00:50:10,510 YOU ARE THE LEAST BORING VICAR 1132 00:50:10,512 --> 00:50:13,380 A PARISH COULD EVER HAVE. 1133 00:50:13,382 --> 00:50:17,318 AND BECAUSE OF YOU, THE CHURCH IS FULL, NOT EMPTY. 1134 00:50:17,320 --> 00:50:21,424 AND BECAUSE OF YOU, OUR LIVES ARE FULL, NOT EMPTY. 1135 00:50:22,928 --> 00:50:27,264 YOU HAVE SO NOT WASTED YOUR TIME HERE. 1136 00:50:27,266 --> 00:50:31,603 THANK YOU. THANK YOU. 1137 00:50:31,605 --> 00:50:35,074 WELL, I'M AT A TOTAL LOSS FOR WORDS NOW. 1138 00:50:35,075 --> 00:50:37,077 WELL, DON'T SAY ANYTHING, JUST UNWRAP. 1139 00:50:37,078 --> 00:50:39,046 OKAY, OKAY. 1140 00:50:39,048 --> 00:50:41,114 RIGHT. 1141 00:50:41,116 --> 00:50:44,919 OH! DAVID! 1142 00:50:44,921 --> 00:50:49,592 OH, I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY NOW. 1143 00:50:56,501 --> 00:50:58,869 NOR DO I. 1144 00:50:58,871 --> 00:51:01,572 IT MUST BE WORTH A FORTUNE! 1145 00:51:01,574 --> 00:51:04,042 ( pained ) YES, IT IS. 1146 00:51:04,044 --> 00:51:06,779 £122,000. 1147 00:51:06,781 --> 00:51:09,849 BLOODY HELL, THAT PUTS OUR REINDEER IN THE SHADE! 1148 00:51:11,053 --> 00:51:14,923 OH, NO--NO--NO, NO--NO--NO DENYING THAT. 1149 00:51:14,925 --> 00:51:17,592 WE ARE MEAN BASTARDS. 1150 00:51:17,594 --> 00:51:21,463 WELL, I WILL TREASURE IT ALWAYS. 1151 00:51:21,465 --> 00:51:25,201 I'LL KEEP IT BY MY SIDE TILL THE DAY I DIE. 1152 00:51:25,203 --> 00:51:27,638 I DON'T KNOW HOW I COULD EVER HAVE THOUGHT OF LEAVING DIBLEY. 1153 00:51:27,641 --> 00:51:31,510 THIS IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE THE PLACE FOR ME. 1154 00:51:31,511 --> 00:51:32,778 HEAR, HEAR. YES. 1155 00:51:32,780 --> 00:51:34,479 MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY. MERRY CHRISTMAS. 1156 00:51:36,517 --> 00:51:40,654 £122,000?! 1157 00:51:40,656 --> 00:51:44,258 I'M GONNA SELL IT AND GET A FERRARI. 1158 00:51:44,260 --> 00:51:46,394 HA HA HA HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA HA HA! 1159 00:51:46,396 --> 00:51:54,237 ♪ SURELY GOODNESS AND MERCY SHALL FOLLOW ME ♪ 1160 00:51:54,239 --> 00:51:57,574 ♪ ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE ♪ 1161 00:51:57,576 --> 00:52:09,790 ♪ AND I WILL DWELL IN THE HOUSE OF THE LORD FOREVER ♪ 1162 00:52:12,561 --> 00:52:18,000 ♪ FOREVER ♪ 1163 00:52:19,236 --> 00:52:21,403 RIGHT, A LITTLE YULETIDE JOKE. 1164 00:52:21,405 --> 00:52:22,972 MMM! 1165 00:52:22,974 --> 00:52:27,411 WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU CROSS A TURKEY WITH AN OCTOPUS? 1166 00:52:27,413 --> 00:52:29,748 I DON'T KNOW. 1167 00:52:29,750 --> 00:52:32,283 WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU CROSS A TURKEY WITH AN OCTOPUS? 1168 00:52:32,285 --> 00:52:35,021 EVERYONE GETS A LEG AT CHRISTMAS. 1169 00:52:37,225 --> 00:52:40,159 BECAUSE THERE ARE EIGHT LEGS, AREN'T THERE, SO YOU ALL GET A LEG. 1170 00:52:40,162 --> 00:52:44,132 NOT NECESSARILY, NOT IF THERE ARE NINE OF YOU, 1171 00:52:44,134 --> 00:52:45,601 WHICH, LET'S FACE IT, IS QUITE POSSIBLE 1172 00:52:45,602 --> 00:52:47,236 IF YOU HAVE ALL THE FAMILY ROUND AT CHRISTMAS. 1173 00:52:47,237 --> 00:52:49,070 RIGHT. 1174 00:52:49,072 --> 00:52:50,472 AND I'M NOT SURE YOU CAN CROSS 1175 00:52:50,474 --> 00:52:52,776 A TURKEY WITH AN OCTOPUS, 1176 00:52:52,778 --> 00:52:54,544 BECAUSE THEY'D HAVE TO MAKE LOVE, 1177 00:52:54,546 --> 00:52:56,047 WOULDN'T THEY, 1178 00:52:56,049 --> 00:52:58,182 AND EITHER THE OCTOPUS WON'T BE ABLE TO BREATHE, 1179 00:52:58,184 --> 00:52:59,751 OR THE TURKEY IS GONNA DROWN, 1180 00:52:59,753 --> 00:53:01,319 WHICH IS RATHER UPSETTING. 1181 00:53:01,321 --> 00:53:06,358 YOU MIGHT BE BETTER OFF TRYING TO CROSS 1182 00:53:06,360 --> 00:53:11,031 A VERY SMALL TURKEY WITH A VERY LARGE CENTIPEDE, 1183 00:53:11,033 --> 00:53:14,770 BECAUSE THEY MIGHT ACTUALLY MANAGE TO MAKE LOVE. 1184 00:53:14,772 --> 00:53:17,038 AND EVEN BETTER, YOU'D END UP WITH A HUNDRED LEGS 1185 00:53:17,040 --> 00:53:19,809 AND EVERYONE IN THE VILLAGE COULD HAVE A LEG AT CHRISTMAS. 1186 00:53:19,811 --> 00:53:21,510 THEN THAT JOKE MIGHT WORK. 1187 00:53:21,512 --> 00:53:24,181 THANK YOU. 1188 00:53:24,183 --> 00:53:26,250 OH, YOU SEE, YOU TELL ME THESE JOKES 1189 00:53:26,252 --> 00:53:29,420 BEFORE YOU'VE, YOU KNOW, REALLY PROPERLY THOUGHT THEM THROUGH. 1190 00:53:29,422 --> 00:53:32,892 YOU SHOULD MAKE THAT YOUR NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION: 1191 00:53:32,894 --> 00:53:35,360 "MUST UNDERSTAND HOW COMEDY WORKS." 1192 00:53:35,362 --> 00:53:38,298 "MUST UNDERSTAND HOW COMEDY WORKS." 1193 00:53:38,299 --> 00:53:41,168 - YOU SEE? - RIGHT, YEAH. 1194 00:53:41,171 --> 00:53:44,505 - AAAARGGGGH!!! - AAH! 1195 00:53:44,507 --> 00:53:46,809 ( sighs ) 1196 00:53:49,513 --> 00:53:50,646 PHEW! 1197 00:53:50,648 --> 00:53:54,852 ♪ FOREVER ♪ 79733

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