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1
00:00:03,181 --> 00:00:07,284
♪ THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD,
I SHALL NOT WANT ♪
2
00:00:07,286 --> 00:00:13,358
♪ HE MAKETH ME TO LIE DOWN
IN GREEN PASTURES ♪
3
00:00:13,360 --> 00:00:19,231
♪ HE LEADETH ME ♪
4
00:00:19,233 --> 00:00:24,871
♪ BESIDE STILL WATERS ♪
5
00:00:27,877 --> 00:00:32,315
♪ STILL WATERS ♪
6
00:00:34,819 --> 00:00:36,185
SO TELL ME,
JIM...
7
00:00:36,187 --> 00:00:38,087
WHO DO YOU THINK
IS THE GREATEST
8
00:00:38,089 --> 00:00:39,689
POP GROUP
OF ALL TIME?
9
00:00:39,691 --> 00:00:42,192
NO--NO--NO...
10
00:00:42,194 --> 00:00:45,130
NO--NO--
NOLAN SISTERS.
11
00:00:45,132 --> 00:00:50,202
I AGREE.
THE SCINTILLATING
SISTERS OF SIN.
12
00:00:50,204 --> 00:00:52,572
AND THE GREATEST
ALL-ROUND ENTERTAINER?
13
00:00:52,574 --> 00:00:53,873
NO--NO--NO--NO--
14
00:00:53,875 --> 00:00:56,044
NOEL EDMONDS,
OBVIOUSLY.
15
00:00:56,046 --> 00:01:00,615
OF COURSE!
AND THE GREATEST
METAPHYSICAL PHILOSOPHER?
16
00:01:00,617 --> 00:01:05,020
NO--NO--NO--NO
BLOODY IDEA AT ALL.
17
00:01:06,058 --> 00:01:07,390
SORRY WE'RE LATE.
18
00:01:07,392 --> 00:01:10,127
FAMILY BUSINESS
TO ATTEND TO.
19
00:01:10,129 --> 00:01:13,432
RIGHT. ITEM ONE.
20
00:01:13,434 --> 00:01:14,732
WHAT FAMILY BUSINESS?
21
00:01:14,734 --> 00:01:17,936
FATHER'S PUT
THE HOUSE IN MY NAME
AS A TAX DODGE.
22
00:01:17,938 --> 00:01:21,307
"AS A TAX DODGE."
23
00:01:21,309 --> 00:01:23,910
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THE MEETING
HASN'T STARTED.
24
00:01:23,912 --> 00:01:26,547
OH, YES, IT HAS.
YOU SAID "ITEM ONE."
25
00:01:26,549 --> 00:01:27,948
AND HUGO SAID,
26
00:01:27,950 --> 00:01:31,152
"FATHER'S PUT THE HOUSE
IN MY NAME AS A TAX DODGE."
27
00:01:32,322 --> 00:01:34,156
DO YOU WISH TO SAY ANYTHING
ELSE, CHAIRMAN,
28
00:01:34,158 --> 00:01:35,358
BEFORE WE TAKE A VOTE?
29
00:01:35,361 --> 00:01:36,393
TAKE A VOTE
ON WHAT?
30
00:01:36,395 --> 00:01:38,728
ON THIS TAX DODGE.
31
00:01:38,730 --> 00:01:41,565
ALL THOSE IN FAVOUR
OF THE TAX DODGE?
32
00:01:44,704 --> 00:01:47,206
ALL THOSE AGAINST?
33
00:01:48,542 --> 00:01:51,111
NO, IT IS NOT
A TAX DODGE.
34
00:01:51,113 --> 00:01:53,279
IT'S A LEGITIMATE
TAX AVOIDANCE MEASURE.
35
00:01:53,281 --> 00:01:58,320
ALL THOSE AGAINST
THE LEGITIMATE
TAX AVOIDANCE MEASURE?
36
00:02:00,924 --> 00:02:03,692
AND ALL THOSE WHO THINK
THE LEGITIMATE
TAX AVOIDANCE MEASURE
37
00:02:03,694 --> 00:02:06,629
IS JUST A PONCEY WAY
OF SAYING "TAX DODGE"
ANYWAY?
38
00:02:11,438 --> 00:02:13,871
ITEM ONE.
39
00:02:13,873 --> 00:02:14,973
SORRY I'M LATE.
40
00:02:14,975 --> 00:02:16,841
I WAS WATCHING
A DOCUMENTARY
41
00:02:16,844 --> 00:02:19,412
ABOUT
TARA PALMER-TOMKINSON.
42
00:02:19,414 --> 00:02:21,348
I FELL
INTO A COMA. HA!
43
00:02:21,350 --> 00:02:22,882
OH, RIGHT.
44
00:02:22,884 --> 00:02:24,584
RIGHT...
45
00:02:24,586 --> 00:02:26,354
AS I WAS SAYING,
ITEM ONE.
46
00:02:26,356 --> 00:02:28,289
ACTUALLY, BEFORE
ITEM ONE, CHAIRMAN,
47
00:02:28,291 --> 00:02:30,359
CAN I JUST INJECT
AN ITEM NAUGHT-POINT-FIVE?
48
00:02:30,361 --> 00:02:32,394
NO.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
49
00:02:32,396 --> 00:02:34,496
I JUST WANTED TO SAY
THAT, UM,
50
00:02:34,498 --> 00:02:36,433
THIS CHRISTMAS
IS SLIGHTLY SPECIAL
FOR ME.
51
00:02:36,435 --> 00:02:38,401
UM...DOES ANYONE
KNOW WHY?
52
00:02:38,403 --> 00:02:40,637
GOOD GOD, IS
CARRY ON CAMPING
53
00:02:40,639 --> 00:02:42,541
GOING TO BE
ON THE TELLY?
54
00:02:42,543 --> 00:02:44,443
I DON'T KNOW, JIM,
BUT THAT'S NOT IN FACT--
55
00:02:44,445 --> 00:02:45,610
OH, I KNOW,
I KNOW.
56
00:02:45,612 --> 00:02:46,678
OH GOOD,
HUGO!
57
00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:48,013
WELL, MY GUESS
IS THAT
58
00:02:48,015 --> 00:02:50,816
JESUS IS ACTUALLY GOING
TO BE BORN AGAIN,
59
00:02:50,818 --> 00:02:52,652
BUT THIS TIME
HE'S GOING TO WHOOP
EVERYONE'S ARSE,
60
00:02:52,654 --> 00:02:56,657
AND...TRANSFORM
A WORLD OF HATRED
INTO A WORLD OF LOVE.
61
00:02:56,659 --> 00:02:58,226
WOW!
62
00:02:58,229 --> 00:03:00,628
THAT IS
SLIGHTLY SPECIAL.
63
00:03:00,630 --> 00:03:04,533
YES. JESUS COMING
AND CARRY ON CAMPING.
64
00:03:05,637 --> 00:03:08,406
MUST BE THE BEST
CHRISTMAS EVER.
65
00:03:08,408 --> 00:03:10,608
NO, IT'S NOT
JESUS BEING
BORN AGAIN,
66
00:03:10,609 --> 00:03:11,942
ALTHOUGH IT WOULD BE FUN
TO HAVE SOMEONE NEW
67
00:03:11,944 --> 00:03:13,811
PRESENTING SONGS OF PRAISE.
68
00:03:13,813 --> 00:03:16,748
NO, IT'S SLIGHTLY SPECIAL
BECAUSE...
69
00:03:16,750 --> 00:03:20,220
WELL, BECAUSE IT'S
MY TENTH ANNIVERSARY
IN DIBLEY.
70
00:03:20,222 --> 00:03:22,122
All: OH!
71
00:03:22,124 --> 00:03:25,326
THAT'S NOT AS GOOD
AS JESUS COMING BACK.
NO.
72
00:03:25,328 --> 00:03:27,294
BUT STILL
VERY MOVING.
73
00:03:27,296 --> 00:03:29,264
OH, IN WHAT WAY MOVING,
FRANK?
74
00:03:29,267 --> 00:03:30,698
WELL, HERE
YOU ARE A WOMAN.
75
00:03:30,701 --> 00:03:32,168
YOU COULD HAVE
DONE ANYTHING.
76
00:03:32,170 --> 00:03:34,337
GONE ANYWHERE...
77
00:03:34,339 --> 00:03:35,905
AND YET, YOU
CHOSE TO WASTE
78
00:03:35,907 --> 00:03:40,278
THE BEST 10 YEARS
OF YOUR LIFE...
79
00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:42,813
STUCK HERE
WITH US MORONS.
80
00:03:43,917 --> 00:03:45,451
YES. THANKS FOR THAT.
81
00:03:45,453 --> 00:03:46,818
NO--NO--NO--
82
00:03:46,820 --> 00:03:47,953
BUT YOU HAVE
GIVEN US
83
00:03:47,955 --> 00:03:50,589
SOME GREAT MEMORIES
TO CHERISH.
84
00:03:50,592 --> 00:03:51,824
OH, YES. DO YOU
REMEMBER THAT TIME
85
00:03:51,826 --> 00:03:53,994
ALICE GAVE BIRTH
DURING THE NATIVITY PLAY?
86
00:03:53,996 --> 00:03:55,095
HOW COULD I FORGET?
87
00:03:55,097 --> 00:03:56,830
YOU TRY CUTTING
AN UMBILICAL CORD
88
00:03:56,833 --> 00:03:59,434
DURING THE CURTAIN CALL!
89
00:03:59,436 --> 00:04:00,969
AND DO YOU
REMEMBER THE TIME
90
00:04:00,971 --> 00:04:03,173
YOU AND I
MADE PASSIONATE LOVE
91
00:04:03,175 --> 00:04:05,741
ON THE BILLIARD TABLE
IN THE PUB?
92
00:04:05,743 --> 00:04:08,878
NO, JIM,
THAT WAS A DREAM.
93
00:04:08,881 --> 00:04:10,881
WELL, WHAT
ABOUT THE TIME
94
00:04:10,883 --> 00:04:13,285
YOU DID A POLE DANCE
IN MY LIVING ROOM?
95
00:04:13,287 --> 00:04:15,520
ALONGSIDE
MOTHER TERESA,
96
00:04:15,522 --> 00:04:17,657
WHO WAS WEARING
NOTHING
97
00:04:17,659 --> 00:04:20,494
BUT A SKIMPY
BIKINI BOTTOM?
98
00:04:20,496 --> 00:04:22,596
YOU CAN'T SAY
THAT WAS A DREAM.
99
00:04:22,598 --> 00:04:24,731
NO, JIM,
THAT WAS A NIGHTMARE.
100
00:04:26,168 --> 00:04:27,868
WELL, ONE THING
IS CLEAR.
101
00:04:27,870 --> 00:04:29,804
OF COURSE,
WE MUST CELEBRATE
THE VICAR'S ANNIVERSARY.
102
00:04:29,806 --> 00:04:30,972
Geraldine:
THANK YOU.
103
00:04:30,974 --> 00:04:32,208
SO, AND I SAY THIS
104
00:04:32,210 --> 00:04:34,810
WITH EVERY EXPECTATION
OF DISASTER,
105
00:04:34,812 --> 00:04:36,946
LET'S HAVE SOME IDEAS
FOR THE NEXT MEETING.
106
00:04:36,948 --> 00:04:39,149
Owen: FINE, I'LL SEE
WHAT I CAN COME UP WITH.
107
00:04:39,151 --> 00:04:43,921
AND NOW, AT LAST...
ITEM ONE.
108
00:04:43,923 --> 00:04:45,490
ACTUALLY, I'VE GOT
TO GO, I'M SORRY.
109
00:04:45,492 --> 00:04:47,893
WELL, HANG ON,
YOU CAN'T JUST...
110
00:04:47,895 --> 00:04:50,196
GOOD GOD!
IT'S MIDNIGHT.
111
00:04:50,198 --> 00:04:51,532
NO, IT ISN'T.
IT'S EIGHT O'CLOCK.
112
00:04:51,534 --> 00:04:53,734
YOUR WATCH
MUST BE SLOW, SIR.
113
00:04:53,735 --> 00:04:56,104
WHY, WHAT TIME
DO YOU MAKE IT?
114
00:04:56,105 --> 00:04:59,742
EIGHT O'CLOCK.
MY WATCH MUST BE
SLOW AS WELL.
115
00:04:59,743 --> 00:05:02,177
YES, AND MINE.
HOME AFTER MIDNIGHT!
116
00:05:02,179 --> 00:05:04,114
ALICE WILL BE FURIOUS!
GOOD-BYE, FATHER.
117
00:05:11,791 --> 00:05:14,926
YOU DON'T THINK
I'VE WASTED MY LIFE,
DO YOU?
118
00:05:14,928 --> 00:05:16,695
OF COURSE NOT.
119
00:05:19,401 --> 00:05:21,167
I HOPE NOT.
120
00:05:25,275 --> 00:05:28,442
I AM TERRIBLY EXCITED
TO HEAR ABOUT
121
00:05:28,445 --> 00:05:31,480
YOU CELEBRATING
YOUR TENTH BIRTHDAY.
122
00:05:34,885 --> 00:05:36,619
NO, IT'S MY TENTH
ANNIVERSARY AS VICAR.
123
00:05:36,621 --> 00:05:38,722
OH RIGHT.
DO YOU KNOW,
124
00:05:38,724 --> 00:05:40,557
I THOUGHT HUGO
GOT IT WRONG.
125
00:05:40,559 --> 00:05:41,793
I KEPT SAYING,
YOU KNOW,
126
00:05:41,794 --> 00:05:43,060
"IF SHE'S ONLY
TEN YEARS OLD,
127
00:05:43,062 --> 00:05:44,562
"HOW COME
SHE'S GOT BREASTS
128
00:05:44,564 --> 00:05:47,766
THE SIZE OF
SAINT PAUL'S CATHEDRAL?"
129
00:05:47,768 --> 00:05:49,535
YOU KNOW, STANDING
DIRECTLY NEXT
130
00:05:49,537 --> 00:05:51,771
TO SAINT PAUL'S
CATHEDRAL?
131
00:05:51,773 --> 00:05:53,907
YES, IT'S FUNNY
HOW THINGS
HAVE CHANGED
132
00:05:53,908 --> 00:05:56,577
IN THESE TEN YEARS,
ISN'T IT?
MM-HMM.
133
00:05:56,579 --> 00:05:59,147
THERE WERE HARDLY
ANY FEMALE VICARS THEN.
134
00:05:59,149 --> 00:06:02,116
OH, I WILL NEVER FORGET
THE LOOK ON DAVID'S FACE
135
00:06:02,118 --> 00:06:03,185
WHEN HE FIRST SAW ME.
136
00:06:03,186 --> 00:06:05,823
I KNOW.
137
00:06:05,824 --> 00:06:07,157
NO, IT WASN'T
QUITE LIKE THAT.
138
00:06:07,159 --> 00:06:08,224
NO, IT WASN'T,
WAS IT?
NO.
139
00:06:08,227 --> 00:06:09,660
IT WAS MORE
SORT OF...
140
00:06:09,662 --> 00:06:12,330
NO, NO...
NO, IT--
IT WAS SORT OF...
141
00:06:12,332 --> 00:06:13,331
MMM...
142
00:06:13,333 --> 00:06:14,966
WILL YOU STOP IT,
ALICE?
ALL RIGHT!
143
00:06:14,968 --> 00:06:17,669
STOP IT! OTHERWISE,
I'M GONNA HAVE
TO HURT YOU.
144
00:06:17,671 --> 00:06:18,804
OKAY.
145
00:06:18,806 --> 00:06:19,805
IT WAS FUNNY HOW
146
00:06:19,807 --> 00:06:21,641
THE BATTLEGROUNDS
HAVE MOVED.
147
00:06:21,643 --> 00:06:24,379
YOU KNOW, THE CHURCHES
ARE FULL OF CHICKS,
WHICH IS GREAT,
148
00:06:24,381 --> 00:06:27,114
AND NOW WE'RE FIGHTING
FOR THE RIGHTS OF VICARS
TO BE OPENLY GAY.
149
00:06:27,116 --> 00:06:30,285
I KNOW.
PROUDLY HOLDING
OUR BANNER HIGH--
150
00:06:30,287 --> 00:06:32,921
"PACK THE PARISHES
WITH POOFS."
151
00:06:37,429 --> 00:06:39,997
IT'S NOT
QUITE THE WORDING
I WOULD HAVE CHOSEN.
152
00:06:39,999 --> 00:06:41,365
I FOR ONE
AM VERY MUCH
153
00:06:41,367 --> 00:06:43,668
IN FAVOUR OF PEOPLE
COMING OUT OF
THE CUPBOARD.
154
00:06:43,670 --> 00:06:45,771
THE CLOSET.
155
00:06:45,774 --> 00:06:46,905
RIGHT.
YEAH.
156
00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:48,974
I MEAN, WHAT
A TERRIFYING IDEA.
157
00:06:48,975 --> 00:06:50,743
YOU KNOW, YOU GO
TO COLLECT YOUR COAT,
158
00:06:50,745 --> 00:06:52,912
FIRST COLD DAY
OF WINTER,
159
00:06:52,915 --> 00:06:54,448
AND STANDING
INSIDE THE CLOSET
160
00:06:54,450 --> 00:06:59,921
ARE GRAHAM NORTON,
DALE WINTON,
AND SIR IAN McKELLAN.
161
00:06:59,923 --> 00:07:02,658
IT'S SO MUCH BETTER
THEY COME OUT
OF THE CLOSET,
162
00:07:02,660 --> 00:07:04,226
WHERE YOU
CAN SEE THEM.
163
00:07:05,864 --> 00:07:07,263
IT'S MADNESS THOUGH,
ISN'T IT?
164
00:07:07,264 --> 00:07:09,700
IN MY TWENTIES,
I DON'T THINK I MET
165
00:07:09,702 --> 00:07:11,335
A CHURCH OF ENGLAND VICAR
WHO WASN'T GAY.
166
00:07:11,337 --> 00:07:13,004
I THOUGHT
YOU HAD TO BE GAY
TO GET IN.
167
00:07:13,005 --> 00:07:15,740
AND THEN
THEY GO AND TRY
TO OFFICIALLY APPOINT
168
00:07:15,742 --> 00:07:19,712
JUST ONE OPENLY GAY BISHOP
AND IT SPLITS THE CHURCH!
169
00:07:19,714 --> 00:07:22,515
I'M THINKING
OF DECLARING MYSELF GAY
AS A PROTEST.
170
00:07:22,517 --> 00:07:23,683
YEAH.
171
00:07:23,686 --> 00:07:25,384
HMM HMM HMM.
172
00:07:26,489 --> 00:07:28,957
I MEAN, IF--
IF YOU WERE GAY...
173
00:07:28,959 --> 00:07:31,593
HA! GREAT MINDS
THINK ALIKE.
174
00:07:31,595 --> 00:07:35,397
YEAH, NOT ON THIS OCCASION.
175
00:07:35,399 --> 00:07:37,267
BUT JUST IMAGINE, LIKE,
ALL THE MEN ARE DEAD, RIGHT?
176
00:07:37,269 --> 00:07:39,235
BECAUSE THEY'VE FOUND OUT
THAT FOOTBALL IS POISONOUS,
ALL RIGHT?
177
00:07:39,237 --> 00:07:40,671
ALL RIGHT.
178
00:07:40,673 --> 00:07:44,944
SO YOU'VE GOT A CHANCE,
RIGHT, TO CHOOSE A GIRL.
179
00:07:44,945 --> 00:07:46,511
SO WHO WOULD YOU
PLUMP FOR?
180
00:07:46,513 --> 00:07:48,280
LOTS TO CHOOSE FROM.
181
00:07:48,282 --> 00:07:49,982
YEAH, WELL,
HALF THE WORLD'S
POPULATION, FRANKLY.
182
00:07:49,984 --> 00:07:52,352
WELL, RIGHT, YEAH.
AND EDDIE IZZARD.
183
00:07:52,354 --> 00:07:53,620
YEAH.
184
00:07:53,622 --> 00:07:56,056
ON SOME NIGHTS,
YEAH.
185
00:07:56,057 --> 00:07:58,258
LET ME SEE,
OH, GOSH...
186
00:07:58,260 --> 00:07:59,794
OH, WAIT
A MINUTE.
187
00:07:59,796 --> 00:08:03,032
UM, WHO'S THAT GIRL
THAT PRESENTS
THAT SPORTS QUIZ?
188
00:08:03,034 --> 00:08:07,505
SHE'S BLONDE, YOU KNOW.
A LITTLE BOB HAIR CUT.
189
00:08:07,507 --> 00:08:08,506
WHAT, SUE BARKER?
YEAH.
190
00:08:08,508 --> 00:08:11,877
OH.
DEFINITELY NOT HER.
191
00:08:11,879 --> 00:08:14,613
THIS IS QUITE
AN INTERESTING OPTION,
DON'T YOU THINK?
192
00:08:14,616 --> 00:08:18,717
OH...
RACHEL HUNTER,
PAGE SEVEN AND EIGHT.
193
00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:20,420
( laughs )
194
00:08:20,422 --> 00:08:21,588
I THINK THERE'D BE
A LOT TO LEARN
195
00:08:21,590 --> 00:08:24,124
AROUND HER CURVES
AND CREVICES,
DON'T YOU?
196
00:08:24,126 --> 00:08:26,494
MY GOD,
LOOK AT THOSE!
I KNOW.
197
00:08:26,496 --> 00:08:28,295
AND THAT.
YEAH.
198
00:08:28,297 --> 00:08:33,102
STILL, I THINK FIRST,
TAKING EVERYTHING
INTO ACCOUNT...
199
00:08:33,103 --> 00:08:37,107
I'D PROBABLY
HAVE TO GO
FOR THE QUEEN.
200
00:08:39,445 --> 00:08:41,879
YOU'D LIKE TO SLEEP
WITH THE QUEEN?
201
00:08:41,881 --> 00:08:43,480
NO,
NOT PARTICULARLY,
202
00:08:43,482 --> 00:08:45,017
BUT, I MEAN,
IT'D BE SO GREAT
203
00:08:45,018 --> 00:08:47,519
TO SLIP
INTO CONVERSATION,
WOULDN'T IT?
204
00:08:47,521 --> 00:08:50,489
I MEAN, YOU GO DOWN
THE POST OFFICE,
YOU BUY A STAMP,
205
00:08:50,491 --> 00:08:53,694
YOU LOOK AT IT
AND YOU SAY,
"I'VE HAD HER."
206
00:08:57,267 --> 00:08:59,500
YOU KNOW,
YOU COULD SAY,
207
00:08:59,502 --> 00:09:01,502
"TOOK HER A LITTLE BIT
OF TIME TO WARM UP,
208
00:09:01,504 --> 00:09:03,806
BUT WAS SHE
WORTH THE WAIT!"
209
00:09:05,377 --> 00:09:06,876
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
210
00:09:06,878 --> 00:09:09,112
I THINK
I'LL PASS ON THE QUEEN.
211
00:09:09,115 --> 00:09:10,414
REALLY?
212
00:09:10,415 --> 00:09:13,250
I THINK I'LL PLUMP
FOR RACHEL, ACTUALLY.
213
00:09:13,252 --> 00:09:14,920
YEAH, AND SHE CAN HAVE
ANOTHER LITTLE RACHEL,
214
00:09:14,922 --> 00:09:17,289
RACHEL STEVENS,
IN HER POCKET
AS A RESERVE.
215
00:09:17,291 --> 00:09:18,592
TWO FOR
THE PRICE
OF ONE.
216
00:09:18,594 --> 00:09:20,927
WELL, WHY NOT?
"LEZ" BE GREEDY.
217
00:09:20,929 --> 00:09:22,562
HA HA HA HA!
218
00:09:22,564 --> 00:09:23,764
"LEZ" BE NAUGHTY.
219
00:09:25,134 --> 00:09:27,134
IT'LL BE
FANNY-TASTIC.
220
00:09:27,137 --> 00:09:31,306
MINGE-NIFICENT.
221
00:09:31,308 --> 00:09:34,143
YEAH, I'M SORRY, IT'S JUST
GETTING TOO LATE NOW, ALICE.
222
00:09:34,145 --> 00:09:36,179
COME ON,
LET'S GO TO BED.
223
00:09:36,180 --> 00:09:38,649
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
224
00:09:38,651 --> 00:09:41,152
NO, NO, NO, NO--
SEPARATE BEDS, ALICE.
225
00:09:41,154 --> 00:09:43,688
OH, PHEW!
YEAH.
226
00:09:43,690 --> 00:09:45,423
I THOUGHT,
FOR A MOMENT...
227
00:09:45,426 --> 00:09:48,160
GOOD LORD, NO.
( laughs )
228
00:09:48,162 --> 00:09:49,929
NO OFFENCE,
OF COURSE.
229
00:09:49,931 --> 00:09:53,033
NO, NO,
NONE TAKEN.
230
00:09:53,035 --> 00:09:54,300
ALL RIGHT,
GOOD-NIGHT, THEN.
231
00:09:54,302 --> 00:09:56,971
GOOD-NIGHT.
I JUST...
232
00:10:02,547 --> 00:10:05,815
YES, RIGHT.
GOOD-NIGHT, YEAH.
233
00:10:09,121 --> 00:10:12,991
ITEM FOUR. CELEBRATING
THE VICAR'S ANNIVERSARY,
234
00:10:12,993 --> 00:10:17,162
AND I FEAR WE HAVE INDEED
GOT SOME IDEAS IN.
235
00:10:17,164 --> 00:10:19,899
YES, JIM, I BELIEVE
YOU'VE WRITTEN TO THE POPE,
236
00:10:19,901 --> 00:10:23,070
ASKING HIM
TO MAKE ME A SAINT.
237
00:10:23,072 --> 00:10:24,405
THAT'S RIGHT.
238
00:10:24,407 --> 00:10:27,441
THE ONLY PROBLEM
IS THE CATHOLIC ISSUE.
239
00:10:27,443 --> 00:10:29,544
IS THE POPE CATHOLIC?
240
00:10:33,786 --> 00:10:37,254
YES, THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
AND I'M NOT.
241
00:10:37,255 --> 00:10:38,621
YOU'RE NOT?
242
00:10:39,659 --> 00:10:41,425
NO, JIM.
NONE OF US ARE.
243
00:10:41,427 --> 00:10:42,827
WE'RE CHURCH
OF ENGLAND,
JIM.
244
00:10:42,829 --> 00:10:44,996
SINCE WHEN?
245
00:10:44,998 --> 00:10:48,234
SINCE 1534.
246
00:10:48,236 --> 00:10:52,239
WELL, YOU LEARN
SOMETHING NEW EVERY DAY.
247
00:10:52,241 --> 00:10:57,011
AND OWEN, YOUR IDEA
IS A COCKTAIL PARTY
ON CHRISTMAS EVE.
248
00:10:57,013 --> 00:10:58,146
IT CERTAINLY IS.
249
00:10:58,148 --> 00:11:00,682
RIGHT.
WITH A STRIPPER.
250
00:11:00,684 --> 00:11:01,818
YES.
251
00:11:01,820 --> 00:11:03,753
PREFERABLY
KIRSTY YOUNG,
252
00:11:03,755 --> 00:11:05,788
THE PRESENTER
OF CHANNEL 5 NEWS.
253
00:11:05,791 --> 00:11:07,290
YES.
254
00:11:07,291 --> 00:11:10,227
KINKY KIRSTY
KICKS ARSE.
255
00:11:10,229 --> 00:11:13,531
YES, WELL, I'M AFRAID
I'M GONNA HAVE TO PUT
MY FOOT DOWN THERE, GUYS.
256
00:11:13,533 --> 00:11:14,699
NO STRIPPER.
257
00:11:14,701 --> 00:11:15,867
THAT IS
A SHAME, VICAR.
258
00:11:15,870 --> 00:11:17,369
BUT I LIKE
THE IDEA
OF THE PARTY,
259
00:11:17,371 --> 00:11:18,971
SO LET'S GIVE THAT
A BIG FAT YES.
260
00:11:18,973 --> 00:11:20,607
WELL, IT'S SOMETHING
TO BE GETTING ON WITH.
261
00:11:20,609 --> 00:11:22,442
WELL, WE COULD HAVE IT
IN OUR HOUSE.
262
00:11:22,444 --> 00:11:24,311
WELL, UM,
MY HOUSE, NOW.
263
00:11:24,312 --> 00:11:25,980
AND, FATHER,
YOU COULD CRACK OPEN
264
00:11:25,982 --> 00:11:28,217
SOME OF THAT SECRET SUPPLY
OF FABULOUSLY EXPENSIVE
CHAMPAGNE
265
00:11:28,218 --> 00:11:31,120
YOU'VE BEEN HOLDING BACK
FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION.
266
00:11:31,123 --> 00:11:32,922
YES, I WAS KEEPING IT
FOR ALICE'S FUNERAL,
267
00:11:32,924 --> 00:11:35,391
BUT SHE'S LOOKING
DEPRESSINGLY HEALTHY.
268
00:11:35,393 --> 00:11:37,693
THANK YOU,
HERO HORTONS.
269
00:11:37,695 --> 00:11:39,563
AND I DID HAVE ANOTHER
CELEBRATORY IDEARETTE.
270
00:11:39,565 --> 00:11:41,165
OH, BRAVO!
271
00:11:41,167 --> 00:11:43,668
YOU KNOW HOW WE ALWAYS
SING THE TRADITIONAL
CHRISTMAS CAROLS,
272
00:11:43,670 --> 00:11:45,904
"O COME ALL YE FAITHFUL,"
"GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN,"
273
00:11:45,906 --> 00:11:48,207
AND "HAVE A WOMBLING
MERRY CHRISTMAS."
274
00:11:48,209 --> 00:11:51,211
YES, ALTHOUGH
THAT'S NOT
STRICTLY A CAROL.
275
00:11:51,213 --> 00:11:53,947
"THE ANGEL GABRIEL
WENT DOWN."
276
00:11:56,085 --> 00:11:58,520
I THINK THAT'S
"CAME DOWN,"
FRANK, SORRY.
277
00:11:58,522 --> 00:12:00,721
SO WHAT'S YOUR IDEA,
HUGO?
278
00:12:00,723 --> 00:12:02,925
WELL, I THOUGHT WE
COULD HAVE A COMPETITION
IN THE VILLAGE
279
00:12:02,927 --> 00:12:04,627
TO WRITE A NEW CAROL
FOR YOUR TENTH ANNIVERSARY.
280
00:12:04,628 --> 00:12:07,197
OH, GENIUS!
THE GOD-O-VISION
SONG CONTEST.
281
00:12:07,199 --> 00:12:08,232
LET'S DO IT!
282
00:12:08,234 --> 00:12:09,299
YES, YES.
283
00:12:09,302 --> 00:12:10,467
ACTUALLY, I--I--
284
00:12:10,469 --> 00:12:12,303
I'VE ALREADY MADE
A START ON MINE.
285
00:12:12,305 --> 00:12:14,738
I COULD GIVE YOU
A TASTER NOW.
286
00:12:14,741 --> 00:12:18,778
WELL, FIRE AWAY,
SHE SAID WITH A GLAZED SMILE.
287
00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:21,781
IT'S INSPIRED BY
THE WORK OF ARTISTS
SUCH AS
288
00:12:21,784 --> 00:12:24,952
EMINEM, FATMAN SCOOP,
AND THE GREAT NELLY.
289
00:12:24,954 --> 00:12:26,188
IS IT?
290
00:12:26,190 --> 00:12:30,193
( imitates beat box )
291
00:12:30,195 --> 00:12:32,195
( raps )
♪ IT'S GONNA COME TO PASS,
YO HEAR ♪
292
00:12:32,197 --> 00:12:34,530
♪ HE'S GONNA SAVE YOUR ASS,
YO HEAR ♪
293
00:12:34,532 --> 00:12:36,300
♪ HIS NAME IS JESASS,
YO HEAR ♪
294
00:12:36,301 --> 00:12:37,936
♪ SO HALLELUJAH!
HALLELUJAH! ♪
295
00:12:37,938 --> 00:12:41,172
♪ IF YOU'S BAD,
HE'S GONNA SCREW YA ♪
296
00:12:47,181 --> 00:12:48,481
WHAT'D YOU THINK?
297
00:12:48,483 --> 00:12:50,750
WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO CONTINUE WORKING
ON IT?
298
00:12:50,752 --> 00:12:52,386
NO.
299
00:12:52,388 --> 00:12:54,956
RIGHT. BECAUSE WHY
MESS WITH PERFECTION?
300
00:12:54,958 --> 00:12:56,790
YEAH, THAT'S NOT
REALLY WHAT I MEANT.
301
00:12:56,792 --> 00:12:59,995
THE REST OF YOU,
LYRICS IN BY SUNDAY,
PLEASE.
302
00:12:59,997 --> 00:13:01,263
AND THE WINNING ENTRANT
WILL BE SUNG
303
00:13:01,265 --> 00:13:03,900
AT MIDNIGHT MASS
ON CHRISTMAS EVE.
304
00:13:03,902 --> 00:13:06,036
AND AS FOR
THE ANNIVERSARY PARTY,
GUYS, REALLY,
305
00:13:06,038 --> 00:13:07,437
JUST KEEP IT SIMPLE,
OKAY?
306
00:13:07,438 --> 00:13:09,473
A DRINK
AND A FEW NUTS...
307
00:13:09,475 --> 00:13:11,977
PERHAPS WE COULD HAVE
SOME NUTS TO EAT AS WELL.
308
00:13:13,380 --> 00:13:15,914
AND THE STRIPPER'S
DEFINITELY OUT?
309
00:13:15,916 --> 00:13:18,017
I MEAN,
IT NEEDN'T BE KIRSTY.
310
00:13:18,019 --> 00:13:20,587
IT COULD BE
MOIRA STEWART.
311
00:13:20,589 --> 00:13:22,555
SHE'S A LITTLE
MORE REFINED.
312
00:13:22,557 --> 00:13:25,726
OH, GET A GRIP,
OWEN!
313
00:13:25,727 --> 00:13:26,794
NOT ON THAT.
314
00:13:31,402 --> 00:13:34,203
I'M JUST
WATCHING THE RUGBY.
315
00:13:34,205 --> 00:13:36,172
ABSOLUTELY
OBSESSED WITH IT
SINCE THE WORLD CUP.
316
00:13:36,175 --> 00:13:37,441
SPLENDID.
WHAT'S THE SCORE?
317
00:13:37,443 --> 00:13:40,278
NO IDEA AT ALL.
318
00:13:40,281 --> 00:13:43,047
LOOK AT
JOHNNY WILKINSON'S THIGHS.
319
00:13:44,818 --> 00:13:47,153
ANYWAY, SORRY.
HOW CAN I HELP?
320
00:13:47,155 --> 00:13:49,688
WELL,
THE THING IS,
321
00:13:49,690 --> 00:13:51,358
I'M GOING ON SOME
DREADFUL BUSINESS
CONFERENCE
322
00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:52,993
FOR A COUPLE
OF WEEKS.
323
00:13:52,995 --> 00:13:56,330
I WANTED TO GET
THIS ANNIVERSARY THING
SORTED OUT SO I--
324
00:13:56,332 --> 00:13:58,900
YEAH, YEAH.
YEAH, YEP.
YEP, YEP, YEAH.
325
00:13:58,902 --> 00:14:01,003
MAYBE I'LL
COME BACK LATER.
326
00:14:01,005 --> 00:14:02,505
NO, NO, SORRY.
GOSH, THAT'S SO RUDE.
327
00:14:02,506 --> 00:14:03,973
I'M SORRY. NO,
I'LL TURN IT OFF.
328
00:14:03,975 --> 00:14:06,709
ABSOLUTELY. THERE WE GO.
I'M NOT WEDDED TO IT.
329
00:14:06,711 --> 00:14:08,212
GOOD.
WHAT I WANTED--
330
00:14:08,214 --> 00:14:10,848
ACTUALLY, I'LL VIDEO IT,
THAT'S WHAT I'LL DO.
331
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:12,851
THERE WE GO.
RIGHT.
332
00:14:12,853 --> 00:14:16,555
RIGHT. NOW, BASICALLY,
I WANT TO MARK
333
00:14:16,557 --> 00:14:19,559
THESE LAST TEN
WONDERFUL YEARS
334
00:14:19,561 --> 00:14:21,828
BY GIVING YOU
SOMETHING SPECIAL,
335
00:14:21,830 --> 00:14:23,664
AND I WANT YOU
TO LOVE IT.
336
00:14:23,666 --> 00:14:27,436
SO WHY DON'T YOU
JUST SAY WHAT YOU WANT,
AND I'LL GET IT.
337
00:14:27,437 --> 00:14:28,470
ANYTHING.
338
00:14:28,472 --> 00:14:31,441
OH, DAVID,
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
339
00:14:31,442 --> 00:14:33,309
OH, I'M A BIT EMBARRASSED,
REALLY.
340
00:14:33,311 --> 00:14:35,478
I DON'T KNOW
HOW MUCH YOU'RE
HAPPY TO SPEND.
341
00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:37,014
WELL, IT DOESN'T MATTER.
JUST SAY WHAT YOU WANT.
342
00:14:37,016 --> 00:14:40,618
OH, OKAY.
UM...I NEED A CAR.
343
00:14:40,620 --> 00:14:42,387
WELL, NOT THAT MUCH,
OBVIOUSLY.
344
00:14:42,389 --> 00:14:47,361
NO, NO, NO, OKAY.
UM... WHAT ABOUT
A WIDE-SCREEN TV?
345
00:14:47,363 --> 00:14:48,996
WELL, NOT THAT MUCH,
EITHER.
346
00:14:48,998 --> 00:14:50,929
NO, NO, OKAY.
IT'S GOING DOWN
ALL THE TIME.
347
00:14:50,932 --> 00:14:52,165
OKAY, RIGHT.
348
00:14:52,167 --> 00:14:53,567
UM--OH,
I KNOW WHAT I WANT.
349
00:14:53,568 --> 00:14:56,571
I'VE SEEN THIS
HUGE ILLUMINATED REINDEER
IN MASON'S.
350
00:14:56,572 --> 00:14:58,707
I'D LOVE TO PUT THAT
ON THE PORCH OVER CHRISTMAS.
351
00:14:58,709 --> 00:14:59,808
I KNOW
IT'S FRIVOLOUS--
352
00:14:59,810 --> 00:15:01,143
YES, IT IS.
I WON'T GET THAT.
353
00:15:01,145 --> 00:15:02,445
RIGHT.
354
00:15:02,447 --> 00:15:05,048
I THOUGHT YOU'D WANT
SOMETHING APPROPRIATE,
355
00:15:05,050 --> 00:15:08,119
LIKE A LEATHER-BOUND
ILLUSTRATED BIBLE.
356
00:15:10,757 --> 00:15:13,825
WELL, OBVIOUSLY,
A BIBLE WOULD BE SUPER--
357
00:15:13,827 --> 00:15:15,661
NO, NO.
NOT JUST A BIBLE.
358
00:15:15,663 --> 00:15:18,865
A LEATHER-BOUND,
ILLUSTRATED BIBLE.
359
00:15:18,866 --> 00:15:21,067
RIGHT. YOU MEAN
LIKE THE ONES
360
00:15:21,069 --> 00:15:22,769
THEY'RE SELLING
IN TOWN FOR £12.50?
361
00:15:22,772 --> 00:15:23,837
YES.
362
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:25,705
PERFECT!
363
00:15:25,707 --> 00:15:27,776
EXCELLENT!
364
00:15:27,778 --> 00:15:29,611
GOOD CHOICE.
365
00:15:30,714 --> 00:15:33,517
TEN YEARS,
EH?
MMM.
366
00:15:33,518 --> 00:15:36,787
I KNOW I WAS
A TINY BIT UNCERTAIN
WHEN YOU ARRIVED...
367
00:15:36,789 --> 00:15:39,557
YOU TRIED
TO HAVE ME SACKED
REPEATEDLY!
368
00:15:39,559 --> 00:15:43,495
YES, WELL...
NOW I AM PROUD
TO HAVE A WOMAN VICAR.
369
00:15:43,497 --> 00:15:45,798
THE STRANGEST THING
TO ME
370
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:48,501
IS THAT YOU HAVE
NEVER BEEN PROMOTED.
371
00:15:48,503 --> 00:15:51,772
WELL, I GUESS
I JUST NEVER CAUGHT
THE ARCHBISHOP'S EYE.
372
00:15:51,774 --> 00:15:54,909
PROBABLY TOO SHY
AND PETITE, AREN'T I?
373
00:15:54,910 --> 00:15:56,911
BUT IMAGINE
IF WE HAD MET.
374
00:15:56,912 --> 00:16:00,083
THAT MAGIC MOMENT
WHEN OUR EYES LOCKED
ACROSS A CROWDED SYNOD,
375
00:16:00,085 --> 00:16:02,016
ONE GUILTY NIGHT
OF PLEASURE, AND...
376
00:16:02,019 --> 00:16:05,456
WHOOPS-A-DAISY DANGLE,
BISHOP GRAINGER.
377
00:16:05,458 --> 00:16:08,193
I WAS ACTUALLY AT UNIVERSITY
WITH OUR NEW ARCHBISHOP.
378
00:16:08,195 --> 00:16:11,629
NO! OH, HE'S MUCH OLDER
THAN I THOUGHT.
379
00:16:11,631 --> 00:16:15,067
YES. WE WERE BOTH
AT CAMBRIDGE TOGETHER.
380
00:16:15,069 --> 00:16:16,268
QUITE GOOD FRIENDS,
ACTUALLY--
381
00:16:16,270 --> 00:16:19,272
ME AND GOD'S ULTIMATE
REPRESENTATIVE ON EARTH.
382
00:16:19,274 --> 00:16:20,674
SO WHAT'S HE
REALLY LIKE, THEN?
383
00:16:20,675 --> 00:16:23,111
A BIT OF A NUTTER,
ACTUALLY.
384
00:16:23,113 --> 00:16:24,311
GOOD AT HEART,
GOOD MAN.
385
00:16:24,314 --> 00:16:26,482
YEAH, I LIKE HIM,
ACTUALLY.
386
00:16:26,484 --> 00:16:29,551
I THINK HE'S GOT
GOOD MORALS, GOOD BEARD.
387
00:16:29,553 --> 00:16:31,520
WHAT MORE
CAN YOU ASK OF A MAN?
388
00:16:31,522 --> 00:16:32,989
GOOD IN BED,
I SUPPOSE.
389
00:16:32,991 --> 00:16:35,692
( laughter )
390
00:16:35,693 --> 00:16:39,263
YOU HAVE
DEFINITELY IMPROVED
IN THE LAST DECADE.
391
00:16:39,265 --> 00:16:46,506
THANK YOU. AND YOU
SHOULD BE AT LEAST
A BISHOP BY NOW.
392
00:16:46,508 --> 00:16:48,541
STILL, THEIR LOSS,
OUR GAIN.
393
00:16:48,543 --> 00:16:50,611
RIGHT.
OFF TO THE BOOKSHOP!
394
00:16:50,612 --> 00:16:52,247
HURRAH!
CAN'T WAIT!
395
00:16:54,251 --> 00:16:58,220
SO, A LEATHER-BOUND,
ILLUSTRATED BIBLE, EH?
396
00:16:58,222 --> 00:16:59,955
WONDER WHERE I'M
GONNA PUT THAT.
397
00:16:59,957 --> 00:17:04,728
MAYBE NEXT TO MY 23
OTHER LEATHER-BOUND,
ILLUSTRATED BIBLES
398
00:17:04,729 --> 00:17:08,566
ON MY LEATHER-BOUND,
ILLUSTRATED BIBLE SHELF.
399
00:17:08,568 --> 00:17:10,269
( door bell rings )
400
00:17:10,271 --> 00:17:12,937
OH! MAYBE
HE'S CHANGED HIS MIND
AND GONE FOR THE BIG TELLY.
401
00:17:12,939 --> 00:17:15,674
OH! JOHNNY'S THIGHS
IN WIDE SCREEN. YUM!
402
00:17:15,676 --> 00:17:17,544
HI.
403
00:17:17,546 --> 00:17:19,180
HELLO.
404
00:17:19,182 --> 00:17:20,914
LOOK, I'M SORRY
TO DISTURB YOU.
405
00:17:20,916 --> 00:17:22,916
NO, THAT'S FINE,
FINE. I'M GERALDINE.
406
00:17:22,919 --> 00:17:24,085
HI, RACHEL.
PLEASED--
407
00:17:24,087 --> 00:17:26,954
YES! I KNEW
IT WAS! HELLO.
HI.
408
00:17:26,956 --> 00:17:28,223
HI.
409
00:17:28,225 --> 00:17:29,892
UM, LOOK,
I'M REALLY SORRY,
410
00:17:29,894 --> 00:17:31,827
BUT I'M GOING
TO A WEDDING
IN THE NEXT VILLAGE,
411
00:17:31,829 --> 00:17:34,397
AND I DROVE DOWN
IN MY JEANS,
AND I'M REALLY LATE,
412
00:17:34,399 --> 00:17:35,599
SO I NEED
SOMEWHERE TO CHANGE.
413
00:17:35,601 --> 00:17:36,700
YES, I WAS
JUST THINKING,
414
00:17:36,702 --> 00:17:37,768
I DON'T THINK
I'VE EVER SEEN YOU
415
00:17:37,769 --> 00:17:40,572
IN QUITE SO MANY
CLOTHES BEFORE.
416
00:17:40,574 --> 00:17:42,941
OH. WELL, THEN I SAW
THE "VICARAGE" SIGN
417
00:17:42,943 --> 00:17:44,643
AND I--AND I THOUGHT
I MIGHT THROW MYSELF
418
00:17:44,645 --> 00:17:45,945
ON THE MERCY
OF THE CHURCH.
419
00:17:45,947 --> 00:17:47,179
OH, ABSOLUTELY,
COME ON IN,
420
00:17:47,182 --> 00:17:48,247
RACHEL HUNTER.
421
00:17:48,250 --> 00:17:49,249
THANK YOU.
422
00:17:49,251 --> 00:17:51,785
COME RIGHT IN.
GOODNESS ME.
423
00:17:51,786 --> 00:17:53,754
NO, MY BEDROOM'S
RIGHT UP THERE,
YOU CAN CHANGE THERE.
424
00:17:53,756 --> 00:17:56,558
THANK YOU.
MIND YOUR HEAD.
425
00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:57,926
DO YOU KNOW
WHAT IS SO WEIRD
ABOUT THIS,
426
00:17:57,928 --> 00:17:59,561
IS THAT I WAS
TALKING ABOUT YOU
427
00:17:59,563 --> 00:18:01,063
ONLY THE OTHER DAY
WITH MY VERGER.
428
00:18:01,064 --> 00:18:03,433
REALLY?
WHAT WERE YOU SAYING?
429
00:18:03,435 --> 00:18:07,571
UM...UH, WE WERE
JUST SAYING, UH,
430
00:18:07,573 --> 00:18:10,709
HOW LOVELY
IT WOULD BE TO...
431
00:18:10,710 --> 00:18:12,577
TO--TO COME AND SEE YOU
432
00:18:12,579 --> 00:18:14,413
IN ONE OF
YOUR FASHION SHOWS.
433
00:18:14,415 --> 00:18:17,550
YOU KNOW,
WALKING UP AND DOWN
AND TURNING AND STUFF.
434
00:18:17,552 --> 00:18:19,886
WELL, I'M SURE
I CAN FIX IT UP SOME TIME.
435
00:18:19,888 --> 00:18:21,288
REALLY?
THAT'D BE EXCELLENT!
436
00:18:21,290 --> 00:18:23,524
AND CAN I SAY AS WELL
THAT I REALLY LOVE
437
00:18:23,526 --> 00:18:24,692
THOSE BRAS AND KNICKERS
THAT YOU MODEL.
438
00:18:24,694 --> 00:18:26,927
OH, THANK YOU.
YEAH. IN FACT,
439
00:18:26,929 --> 00:18:28,330
LAST TIME I WAS IN LONDON,
I WENT INTO SELFRIDGE'S
440
00:18:28,332 --> 00:18:30,699
AND BOUGHT LOADS
OF THE KNICKERS.
OH, GREAT!
441
00:18:30,701 --> 00:18:32,636
YEAH,
THEY DIDN'T FIT.
442
00:18:32,638 --> 00:18:34,104
IN FACT
YOU SHOULD TELL THEM
443
00:18:34,105 --> 00:18:37,375
TO MAKE THEM
IN INDUSTRIAL SIZES,
PLEASE.
444
00:18:37,377 --> 00:18:38,942
I'LL HAVE A WORD.
YEAH, YEAH.
445
00:18:38,944 --> 00:18:41,613
STILL, THEY WEREN'T WASTED.
I USE 'EM FOR FLOSSING.
446
00:18:41,615 --> 00:18:45,049
THEY'RE VERY EFFECTIVE,
ACTUALLY. CAN YOU SEE?
GLEAMING?
447
00:18:45,051 --> 00:18:46,050
BEAUTIFUL.
448
00:18:46,053 --> 00:18:47,387
AH, YOU
DIDN'T COME HERE
449
00:18:47,390 --> 00:18:49,290
FOR AN AFTERNOON
OF GAY BANTER--
450
00:18:49,292 --> 00:18:52,058
NO, NOT GAY BANTER,
OH, SHUT UP, NOW.
451
00:18:52,060 --> 00:18:53,226
GO ON, GO ON,
452
00:18:53,228 --> 00:18:54,462
UP THERE.
THAT'S IT.
453
00:18:54,464 --> 00:18:55,596
THANK YOU.
MIND YOUR HEAD.
THERE YOU GO.
454
00:18:55,599 --> 00:18:57,365
( door bell rings )
455
00:18:57,367 --> 00:19:00,336
WHO'S THAT?
NAOMI CAMPBELL?
456
00:19:00,338 --> 00:19:01,437
HI.
457
00:19:01,439 --> 00:19:02,705
HI.
458
00:19:02,707 --> 00:19:04,140
GOOD LORD,
WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOU?
459
00:19:04,141 --> 00:19:05,475
NOTHING.
460
00:19:05,477 --> 00:19:06,710
THAT'S FUNNY,
YOU LOOK ALL FLUSHED.
461
00:19:06,712 --> 00:19:08,813
NO, IT'S
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
462
00:19:08,815 --> 00:19:10,181
WELL, A SLIGHTLY QUEER
TURN OF EVENTS,
463
00:19:10,183 --> 00:19:12,651
NOT QUEER,
NOT QUEER, OBVIOUSLY.
464
00:19:12,653 --> 00:19:14,353
YOU KNOW, IF YOU
WEREN'T A VICAR,
465
00:19:14,355 --> 00:19:16,021
IF YOU WERE A LITTLE BOY,
466
00:19:16,024 --> 00:19:18,892
I'D SAY YOU'D BEEN DOING
SOMETHING NAUGHTY UPSTAIRS
467
00:19:18,893 --> 00:19:21,628
AND YOU'RE TOO SCARED
TO TELL MUMMY.
468
00:19:21,630 --> 00:19:25,265
YEAH, WELL I'M NOT,
SO DON'T.
469
00:19:25,267 --> 00:19:28,904
EXCUSE ME, COULD I
BORROW THE RED LIPSTICK
ON THE CHEST OF DRAWERS?
470
00:19:28,905 --> 00:19:30,205
YEAH,
OF COURSE.
471
00:19:30,208 --> 00:19:32,942
GREAT, THANKS JOANNE.
IS THAT RIGHT?
472
00:19:32,944 --> 00:19:34,411
IT'S GERALDINE.
473
00:19:34,413 --> 00:19:35,612
SORRY.
THAT'S OKAY.
474
00:19:35,614 --> 00:19:37,948
HI.
475
00:19:37,950 --> 00:19:39,183
THIS IS ALICE,
MY VERGER.
476
00:19:39,184 --> 00:19:40,352
HI, ALICE.
477
00:19:40,354 --> 00:19:42,387
GERALDINE
WAS JUST TELLING ME
478
00:19:42,389 --> 00:19:43,589
HOW YOU WERE
TALKING ABOUT ME,
479
00:19:43,591 --> 00:19:45,157
AND WHAT
YOU'D LIKE TO DO.
480
00:19:46,694 --> 00:19:50,263
I'D LOVE TO.
481
00:19:50,265 --> 00:19:52,199
I MEAN, ANY TIME
YOU WANT TO FIX IT UP,
IT WOULD BE GREAT,
482
00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:54,369
IT WOULD BE BRILLIANT.
483
00:19:54,371 --> 00:19:58,607
RIGHT, I MUST GO UP
AND GET CHANGED.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
484
00:20:01,246 --> 00:20:03,112
I KNOW
IT'S BEEN SAID BEFORE,
485
00:20:03,114 --> 00:20:06,283
BUT SERIOUSLY,
I DON'T BELIEVE IT!
486
00:20:06,285 --> 00:20:08,854
YOU'RE HAVING IT AWAY
WITH RACHEL HUNTER,
487
00:20:08,855 --> 00:20:11,523
AND THE BIG BRUISER
CAN'T EVEN BE BOTHERED
TO GET YOUR NAME RIGHT.
488
00:20:11,525 --> 00:20:13,125
OH, DO SHUT UP ALICE.
489
00:20:13,127 --> 00:20:16,396
YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG END
OF A VERY, VERY LONG STICK.
490
00:20:16,398 --> 00:20:19,265
SO WHAT
IS SHE DOING UPSTAIRS
IN HER BRA AND PANTIES?
491
00:20:19,268 --> 00:20:21,402
IF YOU CAN
CALL 'EM THAT.
492
00:20:21,405 --> 00:20:23,471
SO I TAKE IT YOU'RE NOT
A THONG GIRL, THEN?
493
00:20:23,473 --> 00:20:26,509
NO, I AM NOT!
494
00:20:26,511 --> 00:20:28,443
THE ONLY THONG
I'M INTERESTED IN
495
00:20:28,445 --> 00:20:30,446
IS A THWEET
LITTLE THONG,
496
00:20:30,448 --> 00:20:33,616
THUNG BY A GIRL
WHO CAN'T SAY HER ETHETH.
497
00:20:33,618 --> 00:20:36,453
WELL, WHATEVER.
LET ME REASSURE YOU,
ALICE,
498
00:20:36,455 --> 00:20:37,621
THAT THERE IS
NOTHING GOING ON
499
00:20:37,623 --> 00:20:39,690
BETWEEN MISS HUNTER
AND MYSELF.
500
00:20:39,693 --> 00:20:44,195
WHAT DO YOU THINK
I AM? STUPID?
501
00:20:44,197 --> 00:20:48,067
PLEASE, DON'T MAKE ME
ANSWER THAT QUESTION,
ALICE.
502
00:20:48,069 --> 00:20:51,539
WHATEVER.
I WON'T DISTURB YOU.
503
00:20:51,541 --> 00:20:53,975
YOU WOMAN OF MYSTERY.
504
00:20:53,977 --> 00:20:55,710
IT'S WHAT I LOVE
ABOUT YOU.
505
00:20:55,712 --> 00:20:59,782
YOU CAN NEVER QUITE
GET TO THE BOTTOM
OF GERALDINE GRAINGER...
506
00:20:59,784 --> 00:21:02,719
THOUGH I BET
RACHEL'S GONNA TRY.
507
00:21:02,721 --> 00:21:05,422
OH GET OUT!
GO ON.
508
00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:07,792
COMING DOWN.
509
00:21:07,794 --> 00:21:08,827
OH, YOU
LOOK LOVELY.
510
00:21:08,829 --> 00:21:10,295
THANK YOU
SO MUCH.
511
00:21:10,296 --> 00:21:12,396
GOSH, YOU'RE
EVEN TALLER.
512
00:21:12,398 --> 00:21:14,166
MAYBE I'LL SEE YOU
FROM THE CATWALK SOMETIME.
513
00:21:14,168 --> 00:21:17,904
OH, THAT WOULD BE
EXCELLENT, YES.
514
00:21:17,906 --> 00:21:19,306
THANK YOU.
YOU'VE BEEN
FANTASTIC.
515
00:21:20,442 --> 00:21:21,576
GOODBYE.
BYE.
516
00:21:21,578 --> 00:21:22,977
EVERYTHING OKAY?
517
00:21:22,979 --> 00:21:25,481
YEAH. BRILLIANT.
LOVELY LADY VICAR.
518
00:21:25,483 --> 00:21:27,783
OBVIOUSLY GAY.
519
00:21:27,785 --> 00:21:30,286
WHAT? NO--
520
00:21:30,288 --> 00:21:32,455
NO--
521
00:21:32,457 --> 00:21:34,524
GOOD CONFERENCE,
FATHER?
522
00:21:34,526 --> 00:21:37,762
HOPELESS.
THEY'RE ALL CRETINS
AT WORK.
523
00:21:37,764 --> 00:21:39,797
MUST BE A RELIEF
TO GET HOME.
524
00:21:41,201 --> 00:21:42,901
I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.
525
00:21:42,903 --> 00:21:46,672
THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR GIVING US
THE HOUSE.
526
00:21:46,674 --> 00:21:49,009
I'LL NEVER FORGET
THE MOMENT YOU SIGNED
THE PAPERS--
527
00:21:49,011 --> 00:21:51,880
I'VE NEVER
SEEN YOU CRY BEFORE.
528
00:21:51,882 --> 00:21:53,547
HMM.
529
00:21:53,550 --> 00:21:55,216
TO EXPRESS
OUR GRATITUDE
530
00:21:55,218 --> 00:21:58,253
WE'VE MADE
JUST A FEW
TINY CHANGES.
531
00:21:58,255 --> 00:22:00,055
WE HOPE
YOU LIKE THEM.
532
00:22:00,058 --> 00:22:01,858
AS LONG AS THERE'S
NOTHING TOO DRAMATIC.
533
00:22:01,860 --> 00:22:03,393
NO.
534
00:22:05,498 --> 00:22:06,730
AARGH!
535
00:22:08,768 --> 00:22:10,735
WHAT DO YOU
THINK?
536
00:22:10,737 --> 00:22:12,104
I THINK I'VE DIED
AND GONE TO HELL
537
00:22:12,105 --> 00:22:14,472
AND I'M SHARING A ROOM
WITH BARBARA CARTLAND.
538
00:22:14,474 --> 00:22:15,542
AND D'YOU KNOW,
THE THING IS,
539
00:22:15,544 --> 00:22:17,110
ALICE DID ALL THIS
ON HER OWN.
540
00:22:17,111 --> 00:22:19,279
SHE DIDN'T HAVE ANY
PROFESSIONAL HELP.
541
00:22:19,281 --> 00:22:22,416
YOU KNOW,
FOR SOME BIZARRE REASON,
THAT DOESN'T SURPRISE ME.
542
00:22:22,418 --> 00:22:24,285
THE LOOK
I'VE GONE FOR IS
543
00:22:24,287 --> 00:22:27,956
CLASSIC LATE VICTORIAN
MEETS MY LITTLE PONY,
544
00:22:27,958 --> 00:22:30,393
AND I THINK
IT REALLY WORKS.
545
00:22:30,394 --> 00:22:33,163
WHERE'S MY STUBBS?
HMM?
546
00:22:33,165 --> 00:22:35,165
I HAD A VERY VALUABLE
ORIGINAL PAINTING
547
00:22:35,167 --> 00:22:37,101
BY GEORGE STUBBS
JUST THERE.
548
00:22:39,773 --> 00:22:42,041
WELL, THAT REALLY
DIDN'T WORK.
549
00:22:42,042 --> 00:22:44,209
WE THOUGHT IT MIGHT,
'CAUSE IT WAS A HORSE,
550
00:22:44,212 --> 00:22:46,179
BUT IT WASN'T
A PINK HORSE.
551
00:22:46,181 --> 00:22:49,282
I WANT IT BACK
IN THIS ROOM...
552
00:22:49,284 --> 00:22:50,417
NOW.
553
00:22:50,418 --> 00:22:53,253
RIGHT.
BREAK THE NEWS GENTLY.
554
00:22:53,255 --> 00:22:54,957
WHAT ELSE HAS BEEN
GOING ON?
555
00:22:54,959 --> 00:22:55,991
OH, NOTHING MUCH.
556
00:22:55,993 --> 00:22:58,327
SO NO MORE
SHOCKS AND SURPRISES?
557
00:22:58,329 --> 00:23:00,663
NONE WHATSOEVER.
GOOD.
558
00:23:00,665 --> 00:23:03,767
APART FROM THE FACT
IT TURNS OUT
OUR VICAR IS GAY.
559
00:23:03,769 --> 00:23:05,235
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
560
00:23:05,237 --> 00:23:07,004
OH, SHE TRIED
TO DENY IT,
561
00:23:07,006 --> 00:23:08,439
BUT YOU'D HAVE
TO BE AN IDIOT
562
00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:09,975
NOT TO ADD
TWO AND TWO
TOGETHER
563
00:23:09,977 --> 00:23:12,511
AND GET--
UM...
564
00:23:12,513 --> 00:23:13,946
FOUR.
565
00:23:13,948 --> 00:23:16,582
FOUR.
THAT'S RIGHT.
566
00:23:16,584 --> 00:23:19,152
GENTLEMEN, I'VE
CALLED YOU HERE EARLY
567
00:23:19,154 --> 00:23:21,723
TO DEAL WITH
A RATHER IMPORTANT
MATTER.
568
00:23:21,725 --> 00:23:26,495
IT TRANSPIRES
THAT OUR VICAR IS,
WELL...GAY.
569
00:23:26,497 --> 00:23:28,697
I KNOW WHAT
AN OLD-FASHIONED
570
00:23:28,699 --> 00:23:30,499
AND TRADITIONAL
VILLAGE WE ARE,
571
00:23:30,501 --> 00:23:32,702
AND I THINK
I CAN GUESS
YOUR REACTION.
572
00:23:32,704 --> 00:23:34,471
GOOD OLD VICAR!
573
00:23:36,009 --> 00:23:37,743
BEST NEWS I'VE HAD
SINCE THEY MADE
574
00:23:37,745 --> 00:23:41,312
HAVING SEX WITH ANIMALS
LEGAL AGAIN.
575
00:23:41,314 --> 00:23:43,248
THEY HAVEN'T.
576
00:23:43,250 --> 00:23:44,917
REALLY?
577
00:23:44,919 --> 00:23:48,054
OH. THAT'S NOT GOOD.
578
00:23:48,056 --> 00:23:49,890
SO WAIT A MINUTE,
AM I TO UNDERSTAND
579
00:23:49,892 --> 00:23:53,028
THAT NO ONE IS
THE SLIGHTEST BIT
CONCERNED?
580
00:23:53,030 --> 00:23:57,598
NO--NO--NO--NO--NO,
WE'VE ALWAYS HAD LESBIANS
IN THIS VILLAGE.
581
00:23:57,600 --> 00:24:01,336
MRS. CROPLEY
WAS A LESBIAN.
582
00:24:01,338 --> 00:24:03,640
BEFORE SHE RETIRED.
583
00:24:03,642 --> 00:24:05,608
WAS SHE?
584
00:24:05,610 --> 00:24:08,813
NO JIM,
SHE WAS A LIBRARIAN.
585
00:24:08,815 --> 00:24:10,415
LIBRARIAN, YES.
586
00:24:10,417 --> 00:24:12,250
( door closes )
HERE SHE COMES.
587
00:24:12,252 --> 00:24:14,487
DON'T SAY A WORD,
PLEASE.
588
00:24:14,489 --> 00:24:17,023
SHE DOESN'T KNOW
THAT WE KNOW.
589
00:24:17,025 --> 00:24:18,558
OH, SORRY I'M LATE.
590
00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:20,961
HOPE YOU HAVEN'T GONE
PAST ITEM TWO.
591
00:24:20,963 --> 00:24:24,132
THERE'S A COUPLE
OF ARTS GRANTS
I WANT TO SUPPORT.
592
00:24:24,134 --> 00:24:25,801
SO WHERE HAVE YOU
GOT TO SO FAR?
593
00:24:29,708 --> 00:24:31,040
SORRY.
HAVE I INTERRUPTED
594
00:24:31,042 --> 00:24:35,378
THE PARISH COUNCIL
ANNUAL MINDLESS STARING
COMPETITION?
595
00:24:35,380 --> 00:24:40,418
UM, NO. WELL, WE'LL
GO ON TO ITEM TWO, THEN.
596
00:24:40,420 --> 00:24:42,653
AH, GREAT.
WELL, THERE'S A COUPLE
OF YOUNG WOMEN IN THE VILLAGE
597
00:24:42,655 --> 00:24:45,358
WHO'D LIKE A HUNDRED POUNDS
TO START A DRAMA CLUB.
598
00:24:45,360 --> 00:24:46,827
THAT SEEMS FAIR TO ME.
599
00:24:46,829 --> 00:24:49,662
A LESBIAN DRAMA CLUB WOULD
BE AN INTERESTING DEVELOPMENT.
600
00:24:49,664 --> 00:24:51,365
ALL THOSE IN FAVOUR?
601
00:24:53,236 --> 00:24:55,637
I'M NOT QUITE SURE
THEY ARE LESBIANS
ACTUALLY, DAVID.
602
00:24:55,639 --> 00:24:57,505
OH, AREN'T THEY?
NO, JUST WOMEN.
603
00:24:57,507 --> 00:24:59,175
OH, RIGHT.
RIGHT.
604
00:24:59,177 --> 00:25:01,310
AND THEY'LL DO PLAYS
ABOUT LESBIANS?
605
00:25:01,312 --> 00:25:05,015
WELL, THEY MIGHT.
I DON'T KNOW.
606
00:25:05,017 --> 00:25:07,785
ANYWAY, THE OTHER ONE
IS THE LOCAL WOMEN'S INSTITUTE.
607
00:25:07,787 --> 00:25:11,456
THEY WANT TO DO
A CHARITY CALENDAR
THAT I'M VERY KEEN TO SUPPORT.
608
00:25:11,458 --> 00:25:14,393
WILL ALL THE WOMEN
BE TOPLESS, OR JUST
SOME OF THEM?
609
00:25:14,395 --> 00:25:16,864
NO, IT'S PHOTOS
OF THE CHURCH.
610
00:25:16,866 --> 00:25:19,532
WITH THE WOMEN
TOPLESS INSIDE IT?
611
00:25:19,534 --> 00:25:22,370
AND YOU
TAKING THE PHOTOS.
612
00:25:22,372 --> 00:25:24,672
NONE OF THE WOMEN
ARE GOING TO BE
TOPLESS.
613
00:25:24,674 --> 00:25:26,508
SO WHY DO YOU WANT
TO GIVE THEM A GRANT?
614
00:25:26,510 --> 00:25:31,047
OKAY, I THINK
I SMELL A THEME
DEVELOPING HERE.
615
00:25:31,049 --> 00:25:33,416
LESBIANS,
TOPLESS WOMEN.
616
00:25:33,419 --> 00:25:36,487
HUGO, HAS YOUR WIFE
BEEN GOSSIPING AT ALL?
617
00:25:36,489 --> 00:25:38,756
WELL, I DON'T KNOW
HOW YOU CAN POSSIBLY--
618
00:25:38,758 --> 00:25:40,825
YES, YES, SHE HAS.
619
00:25:40,828 --> 00:25:43,295
WELL, I WOULD LIKE
TO SAY HERE AND NOW
620
00:25:43,297 --> 00:25:46,166
THAT YOU DO NOT HAVE
A GAY VICAR.
621
00:25:46,168 --> 00:25:47,802
MORE'S THE PITY--
622
00:25:47,804 --> 00:25:49,468
IN MY EXPERIENCE,
GAY PRIESTS
623
00:25:49,470 --> 00:25:51,338
ARE USUALLY
SPLENDID PEOPLE.
624
00:25:51,340 --> 00:25:52,572
QUITE RIGHT,
VICAR.
625
00:25:52,574 --> 00:25:54,242
THEY KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE
TO EXPERIENCE PREJUDICE,
626
00:25:54,244 --> 00:25:57,346
AND SO THEY KNOW
HOW IMPORTANT IT IS TO
TREAT PEOPLE DECENTLY.
627
00:25:57,348 --> 00:25:59,248
HEAR, HEAR.
YES.
628
00:25:59,250 --> 00:26:00,716
SO, CAN WE
PLEASE CARRY ON.
629
00:26:00,719 --> 00:26:02,719
CERTAINLY,
IF YOU FANCY IT.
630
00:26:02,721 --> 00:26:04,788
GET OFF, OWEN!
631
00:26:04,790 --> 00:26:07,292
NO, BUT SERIOUSLY,
NOW YOU'RE NOT GAY,
632
00:26:07,293 --> 00:26:08,893
I'M WILLING TO HAVE
ANOTHER BASH AT YOU.
633
00:26:08,895 --> 00:26:12,397
FOR GOD'S SAKE OWEN,
STOP IT!
634
00:26:12,398 --> 00:26:14,201
I'D BRUSH MY TEETH
THIS TIME.
635
00:26:14,203 --> 00:26:15,434
OH!
636
00:26:15,437 --> 00:26:16,636
JUST DON'T.
637
00:26:16,638 --> 00:26:20,874
VERY WELL.
ITEM...THREE,
638
00:26:20,877 --> 00:26:21,976
THE NEW CAROLS.
639
00:26:21,978 --> 00:26:24,713
THE MEETING IS SET
FOR FOUR ON SUNDAY,
640
00:26:24,715 --> 00:26:26,682
SO TURN UP THEN
IF YOU WANT
TO WITNESS
641
00:26:26,683 --> 00:26:28,318
THE LOWEST POINT
IN BRITISH CULTURE
642
00:26:28,319 --> 00:26:30,086
SINCE ARTHUR MULLARD
RE-RECORDED
643
00:26:30,088 --> 00:26:32,255
"YOU'RE THE ONE
THAT I WANT."
644
00:26:32,257 --> 00:26:33,724
All:
♪ OH OH OH ♪
645
00:26:33,726 --> 00:26:34,859
HONEY.
646
00:26:36,729 --> 00:26:38,463
RIGHT, OWEN,
YOU SAID
647
00:26:38,465 --> 00:26:41,032
YOU'D DELIGHT
AND SURPRISE US.
648
00:26:41,035 --> 00:26:44,570
YES, I'M NOT SO SURE
ABOUT THE DELIGHT BIT
ANY LONGER.
649
00:26:44,572 --> 00:26:47,006
RIGHT.
WELL, FIRE AWAY.
650
00:26:48,879 --> 00:26:52,446
"JESUS WAS BORN
ON CHRISTMAS DAY.
651
00:26:52,447 --> 00:26:55,985
"HALLELUJAH.
HALLELUJAH.
652
00:26:55,987 --> 00:26:58,921
"BUT HE NEVER GOT
HIS END AWAY.
653
00:27:00,792 --> 00:27:03,126
HALLELUJAH."
654
00:27:04,829 --> 00:27:06,563
NEXT.
655
00:27:06,565 --> 00:27:09,401
SO FRANK,
HOW MANY VERSES?
656
00:27:09,403 --> 00:27:10,835
A HUNDRED AND EIGHT.
657
00:27:12,139 --> 00:27:14,507
IT'S QUITE
A CONTROVERSIAL
THESIS,
658
00:27:14,509 --> 00:27:18,545
AND IT TOOK A LITTLE BIT
OF TIME FOR ME TO
FORMULATE MY PERORATION.
659
00:27:18,547 --> 00:27:20,814
RIGHT, WELL,
WILL YOU FORGIVE US
660
00:27:20,817 --> 00:27:22,784
IF WE DON'T HEAR
ALL THE VERSES?
661
00:27:22,786 --> 00:27:24,486
I COULD DROP ONE OR TWO
IN THE MIDDLE.
662
00:27:24,487 --> 00:27:26,488
FIRE AWAY.
663
00:27:27,857 --> 00:27:29,927
"PRAISE THE LORD,
664
00:27:29,929 --> 00:27:32,594
"BUT HOLD ON TO YOUR HAT,
665
00:27:32,597 --> 00:27:37,368
JESUS CHRIST
WAS BORN A CAT."
666
00:27:39,005 --> 00:27:40,372
YOU SAY IT.
667
00:27:40,374 --> 00:27:41,573
NEXT.
668
00:27:44,913 --> 00:27:46,913
CAN I JUST SAY
BEFORE YOU START
669
00:27:46,915 --> 00:27:49,082
THAT ALL MY HOPES
FOR THIS COMPETITION,
670
00:27:49,084 --> 00:27:52,119
INDEED, ALL MY HOPES
THAT, AFTER TEN YEARS,
671
00:27:52,122 --> 00:27:56,960
THERE IS ONE SHRED
OF TALENT AND SANITY
LEFT IN THIS VILLAGE,
672
00:27:56,962 --> 00:28:00,496
ARE RESTING ENTIRELY
UPON YOU.
673
00:28:06,239 --> 00:28:10,308
NO--NO--NO--NO--
NO--NO WORRIES.
674
00:28:10,310 --> 00:28:12,643
I WAS TRYING
TO WORK OUT
675
00:28:12,646 --> 00:28:16,282
WHICH BIT OF
THE NATIVITY STORY
676
00:28:16,284 --> 00:28:17,684
WAS NEVER DONE.
677
00:28:17,686 --> 00:28:19,119
GOOD.
678
00:28:19,121 --> 00:28:22,023
THEN I REALIZED...
679
00:28:22,025 --> 00:28:24,225
THE ACTUAL BIRTH.
680
00:28:24,227 --> 00:28:26,495
BAD.
681
00:28:26,497 --> 00:28:28,330
AND SO IT GOES...?
682
00:28:29,566 --> 00:28:32,502
"PRAISE THE LORD...
683
00:28:32,504 --> 00:28:37,175
HE'S COMING DOWN
THE BIRTH CANAL."
684
00:28:39,613 --> 00:28:42,081
"HERE HE COMES,
685
00:28:42,083 --> 00:28:45,119
"WHEEEEEE!
HEEEHEEEHEEE!
686
00:28:47,089 --> 00:28:51,425
"LOOK, THE MADONNA'S
FULLY DILATED.
687
00:28:51,427 --> 00:28:56,697
SHE SHALL NOT NEED
AN EPISIOTOMY."
688
00:29:02,474 --> 00:29:05,309
I RATHER
LIKE THAT.
689
00:29:09,817 --> 00:29:14,086
OH, I CAN
HARDLY WAIT
FOR CHRISTMAS.
690
00:29:14,088 --> 00:29:15,822
IN FACT, LAST YEAR
I COULDN'T WAIT,
691
00:29:15,824 --> 00:29:20,294
AND WE EVENTUALLY
HAD IT ON OCTOBER
THE 23rd.
692
00:29:20,296 --> 00:29:21,729
IT'S BEEN
QUITE A YEAR,
HASN'T IT?
693
00:29:21,731 --> 00:29:22,997
YEAH, IT HAS.
694
00:29:22,999 --> 00:29:24,799
ANY REGRETS?
695
00:29:24,802 --> 00:29:26,236
UH...
696
00:29:26,238 --> 00:29:28,738
GOING ON WIFE SWAP,
I SUPPOSE.
697
00:29:28,740 --> 00:29:30,707
YOU THINK
THAT WAS A MISTAKE?
698
00:29:30,709 --> 00:29:33,777
YEAH. DAVID
WAS VERY UPSET
AT THE END.
699
00:29:33,779 --> 00:29:35,746
WHEN YOU CAME BACK.
700
00:29:35,748 --> 00:29:37,149
THAT'S RIGHT,
YEAH.
701
00:29:40,654 --> 00:29:42,321
OH, WHAT'S THIS?
702
00:29:42,323 --> 00:29:44,525
NOTHING.
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
703
00:29:44,527 --> 00:29:46,660
NO, DON'T.
704
00:29:46,662 --> 00:29:48,495
"APPLICATION
FOR THE POSITION
OF DEACONESS
705
00:29:48,497 --> 00:29:51,433
IN THE DIOCESE
OF CANTERBURY."
706
00:29:51,435 --> 00:29:52,434
YEP.
707
00:29:52,436 --> 00:29:53,902
ARE YOU GOING
FOR ANOTHER JOB?
708
00:29:53,904 --> 00:29:56,272
UM, NO, NO, NO,
DAVID MADE ME
FILL THIS OUT.
709
00:29:56,274 --> 00:29:57,806
I WON'T GET IT.
710
00:29:57,809 --> 00:30:00,877
RIGHT. WELL, YOU CAN'T
REALLY DO IT ANYWAY, CAN YOU,
711
00:30:00,879 --> 00:30:03,081
'CAUSE YOU'VE GOT
A FULL-TIME JOB HERE.
712
00:30:03,083 --> 00:30:04,148
YOU WOULDN'T
BE ABLE TO.
713
00:30:04,150 --> 00:30:05,850
YEAH, I HAVE,
THAT'S RIGHT.
714
00:30:05,852 --> 00:30:07,286
AND OBVIOUSLY
YOU'D NEVER LEAVE HERE,
715
00:30:07,288 --> 00:30:10,422
'CAUSE...WELL,
IT WOULD BREAK MY HEART
AND I'D DIE,
716
00:30:10,424 --> 00:30:12,092
SO YOU
WOULDN'T DO THAT.
717
00:30:12,094 --> 00:30:14,260
RIGHT, RIGHT.
718
00:30:14,262 --> 00:30:16,497
WELL, THAT'S A USEFUL
BIT OF INFO THERE.
719
00:30:16,499 --> 00:30:18,031
LISTEN,
I'VE GOT TO GO.
720
00:30:18,033 --> 00:30:19,567
I'VE GOT TO START
COOKING FOR YOUR PARTY.
721
00:30:19,570 --> 00:30:21,403
UM, HOW MANY
SAUSAGE ROLLS
722
00:30:21,405 --> 00:30:23,638
DO YOU THINK
YOU'LL EAT PERSONALLY?
723
00:30:23,640 --> 00:30:28,010
UM, NO LESS
THAN FORTY-SIX.
724
00:30:28,012 --> 00:30:31,248
SEE YOU LATER.
725
00:30:31,251 --> 00:30:34,252
OH, HI, BOYS.
VISITORS!
726
00:30:34,254 --> 00:30:35,820
OH. OKAY.
727
00:30:35,822 --> 00:30:39,357
OH, HI, BOYS.
HOW CAN I HELP?
728
00:30:39,359 --> 00:30:41,327
IT'S ABOUT
THE PARTY.
729
00:30:41,330 --> 00:30:42,962
WE KNOW HOW MUCH
YOU LOVE CHOCOLATE,
730
00:30:42,964 --> 00:30:45,132
SO WE'VE DECIDED
TO MAKE YOU
731
00:30:45,134 --> 00:30:47,801
A GREAT BIG
CHOCOLATE FEATURE.
732
00:30:47,803 --> 00:30:49,570
OH, HOW EXCITING!
733
00:30:49,572 --> 00:30:51,739
HERE'S A
ROUGH DRAWING
OF IT.
734
00:30:51,741 --> 00:30:53,875
RIGHT. OKAY.
735
00:30:53,877 --> 00:30:56,513
IT'S A CHOCOLATE
BABY JESUS.
736
00:30:56,515 --> 00:30:59,616
YES, LIFE-SIZE.
737
00:30:59,619 --> 00:31:01,985
WE'D JUST LIKE TO KNOW
IF YOU'D LIKE
738
00:31:01,987 --> 00:31:04,456
SOME MARZIPAN
ON HIM AS WELL.
739
00:31:04,458 --> 00:31:07,159
YOU WANT ME
TO EAT BABY JESUS?
740
00:31:07,161 --> 00:31:09,060
YES, WHY NOT?
741
00:31:09,062 --> 00:31:12,666
WE EAT HIM
EVERY SUNDAY,
IN WAFER FORM.
742
00:31:12,667 --> 00:31:14,635
WELL, YES,
BUT AS YOU'RE
EATING HIM
743
00:31:14,637 --> 00:31:15,902
YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE THINKING,
744
00:31:15,904 --> 00:31:17,237
"OH, HE DIED
FOR OUR SINS,"
745
00:31:17,239 --> 00:31:18,673
NOT, "HMM,
THAT'S DELICIOUS
746
00:31:18,674 --> 00:31:21,210
AND I'M LOVING
THAT PRALINE CENTER."
747
00:31:21,212 --> 00:31:23,144
IT'S A FAIR POINT.
748
00:31:23,146 --> 00:31:24,780
I'M SORRY GUYS,
BUT HE IS THE SON OF GOD.
749
00:31:24,782 --> 00:31:27,651
I CAN'T JUST BITE
BIG CHUNKS OUT OF HIM.
750
00:31:27,653 --> 00:31:29,986
WELL,
NOT EVEN
A TOE?
751
00:31:29,988 --> 00:31:33,191
NOT EVEN
A CHUBBY LITTLE
CHOCKY JESUS FINGER?
752
00:31:33,193 --> 00:31:34,992
WELL, YES, I ADMIT IT
DOES LOOK DELICIOUS,
753
00:31:34,994 --> 00:31:38,096
BUT NO, I MUSTN'T.
754
00:31:38,098 --> 00:31:39,798
OH, NO--NO--NO--NO,
NOT TO WORRY,
755
00:31:39,800 --> 00:31:41,867
WE'LL MOVE ON
TO PLAN "B."
756
00:31:41,869 --> 00:31:43,269
RIGHT,
WHAT'S PLAN "B"?
757
00:31:43,271 --> 00:31:45,739
CALL HIM
BABY JUDAS...
758
00:31:49,645 --> 00:31:53,648
...AND THEN EAT
THE LITTLE BASTARD
IN ONE SITTING.
759
00:31:53,650 --> 00:31:56,552
UM, NO, NO.
760
00:31:56,554 --> 00:31:58,654
WELL,
THEN IT'S ON
TO PLAN "C,"
761
00:31:58,656 --> 00:32:00,357
WHICH HAS TO BE
A SURPRISE.
762
00:32:00,360 --> 00:32:01,658
WHY?
763
00:32:01,660 --> 00:32:03,460
BECAUSE
WE HAVEN'T THOUGHT
OF IT YET.
764
00:32:03,462 --> 00:32:04,795
RIGHT.
765
00:32:04,797 --> 00:32:06,632
ANY OTHER
BUSINESS, OR...?
766
00:32:06,634 --> 00:32:08,133
YES, THERE IS
ONE OTHER THING.
767
00:32:08,135 --> 00:32:10,202
IT'S ABOUT FRANK.
768
00:32:10,204 --> 00:32:12,339
HE SAYS
HE WANTS THE PARTY
769
00:32:12,341 --> 00:32:13,973
TO BE THE BEST
YOU'VE EVER HAD
770
00:32:13,975 --> 00:32:16,110
AND TO BE
AN EVENING
771
00:32:16,111 --> 00:32:18,879
OF NON-STOP
LAUGHTER AND FUN.
772
00:32:18,881 --> 00:32:20,481
AH, SPLENDID.
773
00:32:20,483 --> 00:32:23,785
SO HE'S DECIDED
NOT TO COME.
774
00:32:23,787 --> 00:32:25,622
OHH....
775
00:32:25,624 --> 00:32:27,658
YES, HE SAID
HE DIDN'T WANT
TO SPOIL THINGS,
776
00:32:27,660 --> 00:32:31,094
BECAUSE
HE'S SOOOOO DULL.
777
00:32:31,096 --> 00:32:34,231
OH, LORD. POOR MAN.
778
00:32:34,233 --> 00:32:36,769
IS THAT ALL HE SAID?
SURELY HE SAID
MORE THAN THAT.
779
00:32:36,770 --> 00:32:39,004
WELL, YES, HE DID,
780
00:32:39,006 --> 00:32:41,308
BUT WE DOZED OFF.
781
00:32:44,413 --> 00:32:47,180
I JUST KNOW THAT
THAT AT ANY PARTY I'M AT,
782
00:32:47,182 --> 00:32:49,651
I BORE EVERYONE RIGID.
783
00:32:49,653 --> 00:32:51,052
OH, THAT'S
NONSENSE,
FRANK.
784
00:32:51,054 --> 00:32:52,321
WHO'S
TOLD YOU THAT?
785
00:32:52,323 --> 00:32:53,922
MR. HORTON.
786
00:32:55,059 --> 00:32:56,793
MY FATHER.
787
00:32:58,330 --> 00:33:00,598
MY MOTHER.
788
00:33:00,600 --> 00:33:03,634
BOTH MY SISTERS.
789
00:33:03,636 --> 00:33:06,672
MY PSYCHIATRIST.
790
00:33:06,674 --> 00:33:08,073
YOU.
791
00:33:08,075 --> 00:33:10,343
WELL, YOU DON'T
WANT TO BELIEVE
792
00:33:10,345 --> 00:33:12,211
ANYTHING I SAY, FRANK.
793
00:33:12,213 --> 00:33:13,781
WHAT ABOUT
THE HALLOWEEN PARTY?
794
00:33:13,783 --> 00:33:15,915
I DON'T RECALL YOU
BORING ANYONE THERE.
795
00:33:15,918 --> 00:33:17,452
I DIDN'T.
YOU SEE?
796
00:33:17,454 --> 00:33:19,587
I WASN'T THERE.
797
00:33:19,589 --> 00:33:22,123
I'VE MADE UP
MY MIND, I--
798
00:33:22,125 --> 00:33:23,726
YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO DO
WITHOUT ME.
799
00:33:23,728 --> 00:33:26,028
WELL, THAT'S A BIG
DISAPPOINTMENT,
FRANK.
800
00:33:26,030 --> 00:33:27,229
OH, WELL.
801
00:33:27,231 --> 00:33:30,468
BECAUSE, SHE SAID,
REGRETTING IT ALREADY,
802
00:33:30,470 --> 00:33:34,740
I WAS RATHER
HOPING YOU'D MAKE
THE KEYNOTE SPEECH.
803
00:33:34,742 --> 00:33:35,973
REALLY?
804
00:33:35,975 --> 00:33:37,041
ABSOLUTELY.
805
00:33:37,043 --> 00:33:38,910
I CAN SAY WITH
TOTAL HONESTY, FRANK,
806
00:33:38,912 --> 00:33:41,413
THAT NO ONE GIVES
A SPEECH LIKE YOU.
807
00:33:41,415 --> 00:33:43,916
I REALLY DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY.
808
00:33:46,588 --> 00:33:48,556
IN THAT CASE...
809
00:33:48,559 --> 00:33:51,058
I'D LOVE TO COME.
810
00:33:51,061 --> 00:33:52,327
GOOD. GOOD.
811
00:33:52,329 --> 00:33:54,564
BUT YOU KNOW,
I CAN'T THINK
812
00:33:54,566 --> 00:33:58,569
WHEN I'VE BEEN
SO HONOURED.
813
00:33:58,571 --> 00:34:01,239
I CAN THINK OF
FIVE OCCASIONS
814
00:34:01,240 --> 00:34:04,308
WHEN I WAS
ALMOST AS HONOURED.
815
00:34:04,310 --> 00:34:06,544
AFTER
THE SUEZ CRISIS, I--
816
00:34:06,546 --> 00:34:07,680
STOP RIGHT THERE,
MISTER!
817
00:34:07,682 --> 00:34:09,214
YOU'VE GOT TO GET HOME
STRAIGHT AWAY
818
00:34:09,216 --> 00:34:11,283
AND FINISH THAT SPEECH,
HAVEN'T YOU?
819
00:34:11,285 --> 00:34:12,786
OFF YOU GO.
820
00:34:12,788 --> 00:34:15,288
TRY TO MAKE IT SHORTER
THAN THE DOOMSDAY BOOK.
821
00:34:15,290 --> 00:34:17,190
YES.
HA HA HA!
822
00:34:18,227 --> 00:34:20,161
YEAH...
823
00:34:20,163 --> 00:34:22,264
I'VE GOT TO ESCAPE.
824
00:34:22,265 --> 00:34:25,033
NOTHING IS EVER
GOING TO CHANGE
IN THIS VILLAGE.
825
00:34:25,035 --> 00:34:27,604
I HAVE GOT
TO ESCAPE.
826
00:34:30,274 --> 00:34:32,009
David:
GOOD EVENING, VICAR.
827
00:34:32,011 --> 00:34:33,577
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
828
00:34:33,579 --> 00:34:36,815
I THINK YOU'RE IN
FOR A VERY SPECIAL
EVENING.
829
00:34:36,818 --> 00:34:38,283
AH, GOOD.
830
00:34:38,284 --> 00:34:40,753
OH,
INTERESTING BANNER.
831
00:34:40,755 --> 00:34:44,525
"TEN GLORIOUS EARS."
832
00:34:44,527 --> 00:34:46,059
YEAH, THE "Y"
FELL OFF.
833
00:34:46,061 --> 00:34:47,795
I WAS HOPING
YOU WOULDN'T NOTICE.
834
00:34:47,797 --> 00:34:49,463
SHALL WE GO IN?
835
00:34:49,465 --> 00:34:51,734
WELL, ALICE
IS JUST BRINGING
THE CHILDREN DOWN.
836
00:34:51,736 --> 00:34:54,003
THEY WANTED TO SAY
CONGRATULATIONS,
BUT THEY'RE ONLY LITTLE
837
00:34:54,005 --> 00:34:55,771
AND "CONGRATULATIONS"
IS HARD TO PRONOUNCE,
838
00:34:55,773 --> 00:34:57,541
SO THEY'RE GOING TO SAY,
"NICE ONE."
839
00:34:58,644 --> 00:35:00,477
OH, HERE
THEY COME.
840
00:35:00,479 --> 00:35:02,346
COME ON,
MY DARLINGS.
841
00:35:04,652 --> 00:35:05,983
AND COME...
842
00:35:07,589 --> 00:35:09,254
AND MORE ARE COMING.
843
00:35:11,159 --> 00:35:12,892
OH, GOODNESS,
ALICE AND HUGO
844
00:35:12,894 --> 00:35:14,794
HAVE BEEN BUSY,
HAVEN'T THEY?
845
00:35:17,601 --> 00:35:20,201
NOW, IF YOU'D CARE
TO COME THROUGH.
846
00:35:20,203 --> 00:35:22,270
OH, POOR THINGS.
847
00:35:23,307 --> 00:35:26,342
TEN GLORIOUS YEARS!
848
00:35:26,343 --> 00:35:29,981
THANK YOU.
I AM VERY MOVED.
849
00:35:29,982 --> 00:35:31,181
I CAN'T THINK
OF ANYWHERE
850
00:35:31,183 --> 00:35:33,417
THAT I'D RATHER
HAVE WASTED MY LIFE.
851
00:35:35,989 --> 00:35:38,223
AND HOW LOVELY
TO BE IN THIS...
852
00:35:38,225 --> 00:35:41,360
EXTRAORDINARY ROOM.
853
00:35:41,361 --> 00:35:44,899
THE STUBBS, DAVID,
EXQUISITE THOUGH IT IS--
854
00:35:44,901 --> 00:35:48,669
AND MY GOD,
IT IS LOVELY,
ISN'T IT?--
855
00:35:48,671 --> 00:35:52,107
WELL, IT LOOKS COMPLETELY
OUT OF PLACE NOW.
856
00:35:52,109 --> 00:35:54,176
TOLD YOU.
857
00:35:54,178 --> 00:35:57,915
ATTENTION, ATTENTION.
LET THE CEREMONIES BEGIN.
858
00:35:57,917 --> 00:36:00,317
FIRST OF ALL,
THE VICAR
HAS ASKED FRANK
859
00:36:00,319 --> 00:36:01,551
TO SAY A FEW WORDS.
860
00:36:01,554 --> 00:36:04,789
( Frank clears throat )
861
00:36:06,960 --> 00:36:11,097
I WAS BORN HERE
IN DIBLEY,
862
00:36:11,100 --> 00:36:16,638
ON THE 12th OF AUGUST,
1929.
863
00:36:16,640 --> 00:36:19,540
AND IN THE LIGHT
864
00:36:19,542 --> 00:36:21,242
OF THE PRESENT
OCCASION,
865
00:36:21,244 --> 00:36:23,412
I THOUGHT
I WOULD REVIEW
866
00:36:23,413 --> 00:36:25,981
EVERY SINGLE VICAR
867
00:36:25,983 --> 00:36:28,118
WHO SERVED HERE
868
00:36:28,120 --> 00:36:30,287
SINCE I WAS BORN.
869
00:36:31,991 --> 00:36:34,158
OH, NO.
870
00:36:34,160 --> 00:36:38,030
I DID,
AND OF ALL OF THEM,
871
00:36:38,033 --> 00:36:39,731
YOU, VICAR,
872
00:36:39,734 --> 00:36:43,871
ARE QUITE THE BEST EVER.
873
00:36:43,873 --> 00:36:45,706
THANK YOU.
874
00:36:50,814 --> 00:36:53,014
BRAVO, FRANK.
WELL DONE.
875
00:36:53,016 --> 00:36:54,550
BEST SPEECH
YOU'VE EVER MADE.
876
00:36:54,552 --> 00:36:57,320
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THE VICAR ASKED ME
TO KEEP IT SHORT.
877
00:36:57,322 --> 00:36:59,956
OH, I'VE ACHIEVED
SOMETHING AT LAST!
878
00:36:59,958 --> 00:37:03,394
AND WE MOVE ON,
WITH A SENSE
OF TITANIC RELIEF,
879
00:37:03,396 --> 00:37:04,962
TO NOT ONE,
BUT TWO SURPRISES.
880
00:37:04,964 --> 00:37:06,197
OWEN AND JIM.
881
00:37:06,199 --> 00:37:09,968
VICAR,
MAY WE PRESENT
FOR YOUR DELIGHT...
882
00:37:09,971 --> 00:37:12,438
NOT A CHOCOLATE
JESUS...
883
00:37:12,440 --> 00:37:15,342
NOT A CHOCOLATE
JUDAS...
884
00:37:15,344 --> 00:37:17,945
BUT...
AS YOU
WILL SEE...
885
00:37:21,118 --> 00:37:23,452
A CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN!
886
00:37:26,624 --> 00:37:29,559
OH, COME
TO MOTHER!
887
00:37:29,561 --> 00:37:31,195
Owen: SEE, YOU TAKE
A MARSHMALLOW,
AND YOU ...
888
00:37:31,198 --> 00:37:32,796
YES, I KNOW
WHAT TO DO OWEN,
889
00:37:32,798 --> 00:37:33,964
GET OUT
OF THE WAY!
890
00:37:35,869 --> 00:37:37,203
AAH...
891
00:37:39,407 --> 00:37:43,043
HMM, THAT IS
VERY, VERY GOOD.
892
00:37:43,045 --> 00:37:45,445
AND YOU CAN TRY
THE FRUIT.
893
00:37:45,447 --> 00:37:47,414
YES, OF COURSE
I COULD TRY
THE FRUIT, JIM--
894
00:37:47,416 --> 00:37:49,350
IF I WAS
A TOTAL IDIOT!
895
00:37:49,352 --> 00:37:50,853
I MEAN, WHAT IS
THE POINT OF FRUIT
896
00:37:50,855 --> 00:37:52,755
WHERE CHOCOLATE'S
CONCERNED?
897
00:37:52,757 --> 00:37:54,389
I COULD JUST
STICK MY FINGER IN
898
00:37:54,392 --> 00:37:56,425
AND CUT OUT
THE GO-BETWEEN,
COULDN'T I?
899
00:38:00,967 --> 00:38:03,734
OH, THAT IS--
THAT IS REALLY GOOD.
900
00:38:03,736 --> 00:38:05,470
IN FACT, UM...
901
00:38:05,472 --> 00:38:09,308
SORRY, IF YOU DON'T MIND,
JUST EXCUSE ME A MOMENT.
902
00:38:11,512 --> 00:38:13,413
OH...
903
00:38:17,620 --> 00:38:20,722
MMM, YEAH, YEAH,
THAT IS FANTASTIC.
904
00:38:22,125 --> 00:38:23,859
David: EXCELLENT.
905
00:38:23,861 --> 00:38:25,327
WELL DONE,
BOYS.
906
00:38:25,329 --> 00:38:26,662
AND NOW FOR OUR SECOND,
907
00:38:26,664 --> 00:38:29,733
I DARE SAY RATHER MORE
EXTRAORDINARY, SURPRISE--
908
00:38:29,735 --> 00:38:31,568
WE HAVE A VISITOR.
909
00:38:31,569 --> 00:38:33,037
OH, DEAR.
SORRY?
910
00:38:33,039 --> 00:38:36,208
OH, DEAR,
DEAR, DEAR.
911
00:38:36,209 --> 00:38:38,577
I'M AFRAID THERE'S
A SLIGHT PROBLEM
DEVELOPING.
912
00:38:38,578 --> 00:38:39,778
WELL,
CAN I HELP?
913
00:38:39,780 --> 00:38:42,282
NO, YOU CAN'T
HELP AT ALL,
I'M AFRAID.
914
00:38:42,285 --> 00:38:43,416
I WISH YOU
COULD HELP,
915
00:38:43,418 --> 00:38:45,152
BUT, UM...
916
00:38:45,154 --> 00:38:47,321
IT'S JUST TOO LATE.
917
00:38:47,323 --> 00:38:48,789
COULD YOU HOLD THIS
FOR ME, PLEASE?
918
00:38:50,260 --> 00:38:53,161
BECAUSE I'M GOING IN!
919
00:39:01,407 --> 00:39:03,374
( groans and moans )
920
00:39:04,411 --> 00:39:06,478
OH, HA HA HA!
921
00:39:09,984 --> 00:39:12,152
SORRY, YOU WERE SAYING
ABOUT A SECOND SURPRISE?
922
00:39:12,154 --> 00:39:15,288
I'M NOT SURE
THAT THE TIMING
IS PERFECT,
923
00:39:15,291 --> 00:39:17,959
BUT UNFORTUNATELY
HE HAS A VERY
TIGHT SCHEDULE,
924
00:39:17,961 --> 00:39:19,727
IT BEING
CHRISTMAS EVE.
925
00:39:19,729 --> 00:39:21,763
OH, IT'S
FATHER CHRISTMAS?
926
00:39:21,765 --> 00:39:24,032
SADLY, NO.
927
00:39:24,035 --> 00:39:25,434
TO HONOUR YOUR
TEN YEARS HERE,
928
00:39:25,436 --> 00:39:26,870
I'VE CONVINCED
AN OLD FRIEND
929
00:39:26,872 --> 00:39:30,574
TO DROP BY
TO SEE YOU TONIGHT.
930
00:39:30,576 --> 00:39:33,879
MAY I PRESENT
THE ARCHBISHOP
OF CANTERBURY?
931
00:39:33,881 --> 00:39:36,883
HA HA HA HA HA!
HA HA HA HA HA!
932
00:39:36,885 --> 00:39:38,016
OH! THAT'S
A GOOD ONE!
933
00:39:45,728 --> 00:39:48,663
GERALDINE,
THIS IS THE ARCHBISHOP
OF CANTERBURY.
934
00:39:48,664 --> 00:39:52,834
ARCHBISHOP,
THIS IS GERALDINE,
OUR VICAR.
935
00:39:52,836 --> 00:39:55,671
SHE'S NOT USUALLY
COVERED IN CHOCOLATE.
936
00:39:55,672 --> 00:39:57,908
MERRY CHRISTMAS,
MY CHILD.
937
00:39:57,910 --> 00:40:01,012
THANK YOU,
YOUR GRACE.
938
00:40:01,014 --> 00:40:03,714
DO FEEL FREE TO LICK ME,
939
00:40:03,716 --> 00:40:06,285
IF YOU SO DESIRE.
940
00:40:06,287 --> 00:40:08,388
NO, THANK YOU.
941
00:40:09,958 --> 00:40:13,693
PLEASE YOURSELF.
IT'S A FREE COUNTRY.
942
00:40:24,041 --> 00:40:25,908
( sighs )
943
00:40:43,866 --> 00:40:47,736
CHANCES OF EVER BEING
PROMOTED TO BISHOP:
944
00:40:47,737 --> 00:40:50,806
ABOUT THE SAME
AS THE CHANCES OF JORDAN
945
00:40:50,808 --> 00:40:53,408
WINNING THE
UNITED KINGDOM
COUNTRYWIDE SEARCH
946
00:40:53,411 --> 00:40:55,778
FOR MISS TINY TITS.
947
00:41:00,252 --> 00:41:03,020
OH, DEAR, DEAR,
948
00:41:03,022 --> 00:41:06,791
DEAR, DEAR, DEAR JESUS.
949
00:41:06,794 --> 00:41:07,993
YOU KNOW
THAT THING YOU DID,
950
00:41:07,995 --> 00:41:10,096
CHANGING THE WATER
INTO WINE?
951
00:41:10,098 --> 00:41:12,766
WELL, IF YOU COULD
DO THE OPPOSITE
FOR ME NOW,
952
00:41:12,768 --> 00:41:15,202
WITH THOSE THREE BOTTLES
I'VE JUST SWALLOWED,
953
00:41:15,204 --> 00:41:17,538
THAT WOULD BE
VERY, VERY HELPFUL.
954
00:41:17,540 --> 00:41:20,943
OTHERWISE, I FEAR
I MAY FALL OVER.
955
00:41:23,013 --> 00:41:24,647
( doorbell rings )
956
00:41:24,649 --> 00:41:26,315
COME IN.
957
00:41:26,317 --> 00:41:29,251
I WAS JUST WONDERING
WHETHER WE SHOULD--
958
00:41:29,253 --> 00:41:30,754
OH. ARE--
959
00:41:31,959 --> 00:41:33,492
YOU'D BETTER
GO AWAY,
960
00:41:33,494 --> 00:41:38,130
BECAUSE I'VE HAD
A TEENY BIT TOO MUCH
TO DRINK,
961
00:41:38,132 --> 00:41:40,265
AND SO
I'M GOING TO HAVE
A LITTLE SLEEP NOW,
962
00:41:40,267 --> 00:41:43,036
SO THAT I DON'T
HAVE A HANGOVER
963
00:41:43,038 --> 00:41:45,472
FOR TOMORROW'S
VERY IMPORTANT SERVICE.
964
00:41:45,474 --> 00:41:47,809
AND WHAT ABOUT
TONIGHT'S SERVICE?
965
00:41:49,646 --> 00:41:50,745
WHAT?
966
00:41:50,747 --> 00:41:53,015
MIDNIGHT MASS
STARTS IN...
967
00:41:53,017 --> 00:41:54,718
NINE MINUTES.
968
00:41:54,720 --> 00:41:56,820
BIGGEST SERVICE OF THE YEAR.
969
00:41:56,821 --> 00:42:00,591
AH. YOU SEE,
THE THING IS,
970
00:42:00,593 --> 00:42:02,860
I'VE COMPLETELY
FORGOTTEN ABOUT THAT.
971
00:42:02,862 --> 00:42:04,095
RIGHT.
972
00:42:04,097 --> 00:42:07,666
AND BECAUSE
OF THAT MISTAKE...
973
00:42:07,668 --> 00:42:09,300
YES?
974
00:42:09,302 --> 00:42:11,739
I'M IN PRETTY
SERIOUS TROUBLE NOW.
975
00:42:11,741 --> 00:42:13,206
YEP.
976
00:42:13,207 --> 00:42:15,509
I'M IN PRETTY
SERIOUS TROUBLE NOW.
977
00:42:15,511 --> 00:42:18,079
YEP.
978
00:42:18,081 --> 00:42:20,015
I'M IN PRETTY
SERIOUS TROUBLE NOW.
979
00:42:20,018 --> 00:42:21,349
YES.
980
00:42:22,554 --> 00:42:23,986
THANK YOU.
981
00:42:25,590 --> 00:42:26,956
IS IT WORKING?
982
00:42:26,958 --> 00:42:29,226
D'YOU KNOW,
I THINK IT IS,
YES.
983
00:42:32,165 --> 00:42:35,734
♪ I DO LIKE TO BE
BESIDE THE SEASIDE ♪
984
00:42:35,736 --> 00:42:37,469
♪ OH, I DO LIKE TO BE ♪
985
00:42:44,113 --> 00:42:47,982
RIGHT,
LET'S HAVE A LOOK.
986
00:42:47,984 --> 00:42:52,120
I'M REALLY SORRY
I HAVE TO DO THIS,
BUT IT IS THE ONLY WAY.
987
00:42:52,122 --> 00:42:55,024
DO WHAT?
WHAT'S THE ONLY WAY?
988
00:42:55,026 --> 00:42:56,225
OHH!
989
00:42:56,227 --> 00:42:58,896
OKAY,
YEAH, THAT HURT.
990
00:42:58,897 --> 00:43:02,365
AHEM. I THINK IT'S DONE
THE TRICK, THOUGH. YEAH.
991
00:43:02,367 --> 00:43:05,270
OKAY.
LET'S GO.
992
00:43:05,271 --> 00:43:07,974
♪ I DO LIKE TO RIDE
ALONG THE PROM-PROM ♪
993
00:43:07,976 --> 00:43:09,675
( crash )
994
00:43:11,179 --> 00:43:14,147
( organ music )
995
00:43:33,305 --> 00:43:35,707
GOOD EVENING,
AND WELCOME.
996
00:43:35,709 --> 00:43:38,911
UM, AS YOU KNOW,
ONE OF THE BIGGEST PROBLEMS
997
00:43:38,913 --> 00:43:43,751
FACING OUR SOCIETY TODAY
IS THAT OF BINGE DRINKING.
998
00:43:46,055 --> 00:43:49,791
AND OUR VICAR
HAS HAD A RATHER
WONDERFUL IDEA
999
00:43:49,793 --> 00:43:52,394
OF SHOWING US
JUST HOW TERRIBLE IT IS
1000
00:43:52,396 --> 00:43:54,563
BY IMAGINING HOW
1001
00:43:54,565 --> 00:43:58,568
IF SOMEONE LIKE A VICAR
WAS COMPLETELY DRUNK,
1002
00:43:58,570 --> 00:44:01,739
THE WHOLE OF SOCIETY
WOULD JUST FALL APART.
1003
00:44:02,877 --> 00:44:04,375
VICAR.
1004
00:44:09,984 --> 00:44:12,153
Geraldine:
NO, THAT'S WRONG.
1005
00:44:15,291 --> 00:44:17,391
EXCUSE ME.
THANK YOU.
1006
00:44:17,393 --> 00:44:18,393
OOOH!
1007
00:44:21,519 --> 00:44:26,725
FIVE... GO-OLD... RRRIIINGS!
1008
00:44:27,959 --> 00:44:28,959
BRAVO!
1009
00:44:39,174 --> 00:44:42,076
MILK, MILK,
LEMONADE...
1010
00:44:44,080 --> 00:44:45,312
HELLO, YOU.
1011
00:44:46,649 --> 00:44:48,016
I HAVEN'T TOLD ANYONE
ABOUT YOUR BOOB JOB.
1012
00:44:50,420 --> 00:44:51,987
AND YOU...
1013
00:44:51,989 --> 00:44:54,990
YOU THINK
NO ONE'S NOTICED
THAT YOU'RE BALD,
1014
00:44:54,993 --> 00:44:58,361
BUT EVERYONE'S
LOOKING AT YOU
AND THINKING,
1015
00:44:58,363 --> 00:45:00,464
"MY GOODNESS,
WHY HAS THAT MAN
1016
00:45:00,466 --> 00:45:04,235
GOT A MASSIVE EGG
FOR A HEAD?"
1017
00:45:05,706 --> 00:45:07,539
CRACK ON!
1018
00:45:10,979 --> 00:45:12,612
MORE. MORE UP.
1019
00:45:12,614 --> 00:45:14,448
MORE UP.
1020
00:45:14,450 --> 00:45:16,717
( grunts )
1021
00:45:16,719 --> 00:45:18,252
OH...
1022
00:45:18,254 --> 00:45:19,687
COME ON!
1023
00:45:20,924 --> 00:45:22,724
ON THIS DAY,
1024
00:45:22,726 --> 00:45:26,162
MANY, MANY,
MANY YEARS AGO,
1025
00:45:26,164 --> 00:45:28,232
A CHILD WAS BORN.
1026
00:45:28,234 --> 00:45:30,734
AND HIS NAME WAS--
1027
00:45:32,205 --> 00:45:33,772
( mumbles )
1028
00:45:33,774 --> 00:45:36,174
OHH...
1029
00:45:36,176 --> 00:45:39,345
I KNOW THIS.
IT'S IN THAT, UM,
1030
00:45:39,347 --> 00:45:40,746
IT'S IN THAT BOOK,
ISN'T IT?
1031
00:45:42,050 --> 00:45:44,217
"J"...
1032
00:45:44,219 --> 00:45:47,155
JEREMY.
NO, THAT'S
NOT RIGHT, IS IT?
1033
00:45:47,157 --> 00:45:48,856
JESUS.
1034
00:45:48,858 --> 00:45:51,526
JESUS. NO, THAT'S
NOT RIGHT, EITHER.
1035
00:45:51,528 --> 00:45:52,896
ANYWAY,
IT DOESN'T MATTER,
1036
00:45:52,898 --> 00:45:54,562
DOESN'T MATTER,
WHAT'S IN A NAME?
1037
00:45:54,564 --> 00:45:58,468
THE LONG AND SHORT
OF IT IS THAT HE WAS
1038
00:45:58,469 --> 00:46:01,739
A VERY, VERY NICE GUY,
APPARENTLY.
1039
00:46:01,741 --> 00:46:03,207
HA HA HA HA!
1040
00:46:03,209 --> 00:46:06,244
TWO IMPORTANT THINGS
TO REMEMBER ABOUT HIM:
1041
00:46:06,246 --> 00:46:07,946
ONE...
1042
00:46:07,948 --> 00:46:10,483
HE LOVED ALL OF US,
1043
00:46:10,484 --> 00:46:14,354
AND HE HAD A NICE
FLUFFY BEARD.
1044
00:46:14,356 --> 00:46:16,925
AND THREE--
1045
00:46:16,927 --> 00:46:19,360
TWO, ONE...
1046
00:46:19,362 --> 00:46:21,697
THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO!
1047
00:46:27,072 --> 00:46:28,638
( applause )
1048
00:46:32,912 --> 00:46:35,380
AND NOW FOR THE HIGHLIGHT
OF THE SERVICE,
1049
00:46:35,382 --> 00:46:39,853
THE NEW DIBLEY CAROL,
FROM JIM TROTT.
1050
00:46:39,855 --> 00:46:41,688
( organ music )
1051
00:46:41,690 --> 00:46:45,993
♪ PRAISE THE LORD,
HE'S COMING DOWN
THE BIRTH CANAL ♪
1052
00:46:45,995 --> 00:46:47,395
♪ HERE HE COMES NOW ♪
1053
00:46:47,397 --> 00:46:50,732
♪ WHEEEEHEEEEHEEEE ♪
♪ WHEEEEHEEE ♪
1054
00:46:50,734 --> 00:46:53,870
♪ WHEEEEHEEEEHEEEE ♪
♪ WHEEEEHEEE ♪
1055
00:46:53,872 --> 00:46:59,344
♪ LOOK, THE MADONNA
IS FULLY DILATED ♪
1056
00:46:59,346 --> 00:47:02,080
♪ SHE SHALL NOT NEED,
SHE SHALL NOT NEED ♪
1057
00:47:02,082 --> 00:47:05,684
♪ AN EPISIOTOMY ♪
1058
00:47:05,686 --> 00:47:07,519
♪ WHEEEHEEEHEEE ♪
♪ WHEEEEHEEEE ♪
1059
00:47:07,521 --> 00:47:10,323
♪ WHEEEHEEE ♪
♪ WHEEEEHEEE ♪
1060
00:47:10,325 --> 00:47:12,225
♪ WHEEHEEEHEEE ♪
♪ WHEEHEEHEE ♪
1061
00:47:12,227 --> 00:47:15,696
♪ PRAISE, PRAISE,
PRAISE THE LORD ♪
1062
00:47:15,698 --> 00:47:20,335
♪ CLEAN UP THE MESS
AND CUT THE CORD ♪
1063
00:47:20,337 --> 00:47:23,405
♪ CUT, CUT THE CORD ♪
1064
00:47:23,407 --> 00:47:26,075
( applause )
1065
00:47:29,415 --> 00:47:30,915
IT'S WONDERFUL
WHEN YOU KNOW
1066
00:47:30,917 --> 00:47:33,117
YOU'VE GOT SOMEONE
EXACTLY THE RIGHT
PRESENT.
1067
00:47:33,119 --> 00:47:35,086
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE
THE SMILE ON HER FACE.
1068
00:47:35,088 --> 00:47:36,588
NOR CAN I.
1069
00:47:39,294 --> 00:47:40,626
THOUGH IT WILL
PROBABLY BE LIKE
1070
00:47:40,629 --> 00:47:43,430
THE SMILE
ON HER FACE
RIGHT NOW.
1071
00:47:43,432 --> 00:47:45,599
THOUGH, ACTUALLY,
I SUPPOSE THE SMILE
WILL BE SMALLER,
1072
00:47:45,601 --> 00:47:46,901
BECAUSE SHE'S ALREADY
GOT A REINDEER NOW,
1073
00:47:46,903 --> 00:47:48,636
AND THEIRS
IS SO MUCH BIGGER.
1074
00:47:49,873 --> 00:47:51,875
YES, BUT SHE'S
SUCH A LOVELY LADY,
1075
00:47:51,876 --> 00:47:53,142
SHE'LL PROBABLY
PUT ON A BRAVE FACE
1076
00:47:53,144 --> 00:47:55,945
WHEN SHE SEES
OUR VERY INFERIOR PRESENT,
1077
00:47:55,947 --> 00:47:58,815
ON WHICH YOU SAVED
TEN MEASLY POUNDS.
1078
00:47:58,817 --> 00:48:00,017
HI!
1079
00:48:02,188 --> 00:48:04,823
COME ON!
COME IN.
1080
00:48:04,825 --> 00:48:06,291
RIGHT.
1081
00:48:06,293 --> 00:48:09,061
GET THIS BACK TO THE HOUSE
AND WRAP SOMETHING ELSE.
1082
00:48:09,063 --> 00:48:10,062
WHAT?
1083
00:48:10,065 --> 00:48:11,699
I DON'T KNOW.
A DRAWING PIN.
1084
00:48:11,701 --> 00:48:13,633
NO, BIGGER.
A BED.
1085
00:48:13,636 --> 00:48:14,702
NO, SMALLER.
1086
00:48:14,705 --> 00:48:16,971
RIGHT. GOT IT,
SOMETHING IN BETWEEN
1087
00:48:16,973 --> 00:48:19,474
A DRAWING PIN
AND A BED.
1088
00:48:19,476 --> 00:48:21,343
AND MAKE IT
SOMETHING TASTEFUL.
1089
00:48:21,345 --> 00:48:23,280
RIGHT...
1090
00:48:23,281 --> 00:48:25,381
NOT PINK.
1091
00:48:29,221 --> 00:48:31,423
HAPPY CHRISTMAS,
VICAR.
1092
00:48:31,425 --> 00:48:33,057
MERRY CHRISTMAS,
EVERYONE.
1093
00:48:33,059 --> 00:48:34,759
I'M SORRY THERE'S
ONLY A DRIBBLE
OF WINE LEFT,
1094
00:48:34,761 --> 00:48:39,065
BUT THE OFF-LICENSE
RAN...OUT OF IT.
1095
00:48:39,067 --> 00:48:42,869
RIGHT.
TIME FOR YOUR
TEN-YEAR PRESENT.
1096
00:48:42,871 --> 00:48:44,839
DID YOU SEE
WHAT THE GUYS
GOT FOR ME?
1097
00:48:44,841 --> 00:48:46,374
THAT HUGE REINDEER
THAT I WANTED.
1098
00:48:46,376 --> 00:48:47,943
YES, INDEED.
1099
00:48:47,944 --> 00:48:50,111
THERE WAS A SMALLER ONE
THERE WHICH WAS CHEAPER.
1100
00:48:50,114 --> 00:48:52,347
BUT AFTER TEN
YEARS, WE THOUGHT
1101
00:48:52,350 --> 00:48:55,486
THE VICAR
DESERVES THE BIGGEST
AND THE BEST.
1102
00:48:55,488 --> 00:48:57,687
SO WE SWAPPED
THE PRICE TAGS OVER
1103
00:48:57,689 --> 00:49:00,759
AND GOT THAT ONE.
1104
00:49:00,761 --> 00:49:03,963
EXCELLENT. WELL,
I THINK I KNOW
1105
00:49:03,964 --> 00:49:05,397
WHAT YOU'VE GOT
FOR ME, DAVID.
1106
00:49:05,399 --> 00:49:07,433
OH, I DOUBT IT.
I DECIDED IT WAS DULL
1107
00:49:07,435 --> 00:49:09,870
TO JUST GIVE YOU
AN ILLUSTRATED BIBLE.
1108
00:49:09,872 --> 00:49:11,472
OH, THANK GOODNESS
FOR THAT,
1109
00:49:11,474 --> 00:49:12,706
BECAUSE I'VE GOT
23 OF THEM ALREADY
1110
00:49:12,708 --> 00:49:14,943
AND THAT WAS
THE LAST THING I WANTED.
1111
00:49:14,945 --> 00:49:17,078
SO, I GOT YOU
THE BIBLE.
1112
00:49:17,080 --> 00:49:19,915
RIGHT, THAT'S FANTASTIC.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
1113
00:49:19,917 --> 00:49:21,518
THAT'S JUST
WHAT I WANTED.
1114
00:49:21,520 --> 00:49:24,354
AND WE'VE GOT
SOMETHING ELSE,
1115
00:49:24,355 --> 00:49:26,723
WHICH ALICE
IS JUST BRINGING.
1116
00:49:26,725 --> 00:49:28,860
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
1117
00:49:28,862 --> 00:49:30,896
GOT IT.
1118
00:49:30,898 --> 00:49:35,200
David: GOOD. GERALDINE,
PLEASE ACCEPT THIS
FROM THE HORTON FAMILY
1119
00:49:35,202 --> 00:49:38,571
AS THE SMALLEST TOKEN
OF OUR LOVE AND GRATITUDE
1120
00:49:38,573 --> 00:49:40,641
FOR THE LAST
TEN YEARS.
1121
00:49:40,643 --> 00:49:42,843
WHAT EXCITEMENT!
1122
00:49:42,845 --> 00:49:43,912
SPEECH, SPEECH.
1123
00:49:43,914 --> 00:49:45,179
YES, WELL,
VERY WELL.
1124
00:49:46,749 --> 00:49:49,351
FIRST, I THINK
I SPEAK FOR ALL OF US
1125
00:49:49,353 --> 00:49:51,286
WHEN I SAY THAT
IF YOU THINK
FOR ONE MOMENT
1126
00:49:51,288 --> 00:49:53,824
THAT YOU GOT AWAY
WITH BEING PISSED
LAST NIGHT,
1127
00:49:53,826 --> 00:49:55,124
YOU ARE
TOTALLY WRONG.
1128
00:49:55,126 --> 00:49:58,663
OH GOD!
1129
00:49:58,665 --> 00:50:03,468
BUT ALSO, I KNOW
I SPEAK FOR US ALL...
1130
00:50:03,470 --> 00:50:06,505
WHEN I SAY THAT
WE DON'T GIVE A DAMN.
1131
00:50:06,507 --> 00:50:10,510
YOU ARE THE LEAST
BORING VICAR
1132
00:50:10,512 --> 00:50:13,380
A PARISH
COULD EVER HAVE.
1133
00:50:13,382 --> 00:50:17,318
AND BECAUSE OF YOU,
THE CHURCH IS FULL,
NOT EMPTY.
1134
00:50:17,320 --> 00:50:21,424
AND BECAUSE OF YOU,
OUR LIVES ARE FULL,
NOT EMPTY.
1135
00:50:22,928 --> 00:50:27,264
YOU HAVE SO
NOT WASTED
YOUR TIME HERE.
1136
00:50:27,266 --> 00:50:31,603
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
1137
00:50:31,605 --> 00:50:35,074
WELL, I'M AT A TOTAL
LOSS FOR WORDS NOW.
1138
00:50:35,075 --> 00:50:37,077
WELL,
DON'T SAY ANYTHING,
JUST UNWRAP.
1139
00:50:37,078 --> 00:50:39,046
OKAY, OKAY.
1140
00:50:39,048 --> 00:50:41,114
RIGHT.
1141
00:50:41,116 --> 00:50:44,919
OH! DAVID!
1142
00:50:44,921 --> 00:50:49,592
OH, I REALLY
DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY NOW.
1143
00:50:56,501 --> 00:50:58,869
NOR DO I.
1144
00:50:58,871 --> 00:51:01,572
IT MUST BE WORTH
A FORTUNE!
1145
00:51:01,574 --> 00:51:04,042
( pained )
YES, IT IS.
1146
00:51:04,044 --> 00:51:06,779
£122,000.
1147
00:51:06,781 --> 00:51:09,849
BLOODY HELL, THAT
PUTS OUR REINDEER
IN THE SHADE!
1148
00:51:11,053 --> 00:51:14,923
OH, NO--NO--NO,
NO--NO--NO DENYING THAT.
1149
00:51:14,925 --> 00:51:17,592
WE ARE
MEAN BASTARDS.
1150
00:51:17,594 --> 00:51:21,463
WELL, I WILL
TREASURE IT ALWAYS.
1151
00:51:21,465 --> 00:51:25,201
I'LL KEEP IT BY MY SIDE
TILL THE DAY I DIE.
1152
00:51:25,203 --> 00:51:27,638
I DON'T KNOW HOW I COULD
EVER HAVE THOUGHT
OF LEAVING DIBLEY.
1153
00:51:27,641 --> 00:51:31,510
THIS IS
AND ALWAYS WILL BE
THE PLACE FOR ME.
1154
00:51:31,511 --> 00:51:32,778
HEAR, HEAR. YES.
1155
00:51:32,780 --> 00:51:34,479
MERRY CHRISTMAS,
EVERYBODY.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
1156
00:51:36,517 --> 00:51:40,654
£122,000?!
1157
00:51:40,656 --> 00:51:44,258
I'M GONNA SELL IT
AND GET A FERRARI.
1158
00:51:44,260 --> 00:51:46,394
HA HA HA HA HA HA!
HA HA HA HA HA HA!
1159
00:51:46,396 --> 00:51:54,237
♪ SURELY GOODNESS AND MERCY
SHALL FOLLOW ME ♪
1160
00:51:54,239 --> 00:51:57,574
♪ ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE ♪
1161
00:51:57,576 --> 00:52:09,790
♪ AND I WILL DWELL IN
THE HOUSE OF THE LORD FOREVER ♪
1162
00:52:12,561 --> 00:52:18,000
♪ FOREVER ♪
1163
00:52:19,236 --> 00:52:21,403
RIGHT, A LITTLE
YULETIDE JOKE.
1164
00:52:21,405 --> 00:52:22,972
MMM!
1165
00:52:22,974 --> 00:52:27,411
WHAT HAPPENS
IF YOU CROSS A TURKEY
WITH AN OCTOPUS?
1166
00:52:27,413 --> 00:52:29,748
I DON'T KNOW.
1167
00:52:29,750 --> 00:52:32,283
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU CROSS
A TURKEY WITH AN OCTOPUS?
1168
00:52:32,285 --> 00:52:35,021
EVERYONE GETS
A LEG AT CHRISTMAS.
1169
00:52:37,225 --> 00:52:40,159
BECAUSE THERE ARE
EIGHT LEGS, AREN'T THERE,
SO YOU ALL GET A LEG.
1170
00:52:40,162 --> 00:52:44,132
NOT NECESSARILY,
NOT IF THERE ARE
NINE OF YOU,
1171
00:52:44,134 --> 00:52:45,601
WHICH, LET'S FACE IT,
IS QUITE POSSIBLE
1172
00:52:45,602 --> 00:52:47,236
IF YOU HAVE
ALL THE FAMILY
ROUND AT CHRISTMAS.
1173
00:52:47,237 --> 00:52:49,070
RIGHT.
1174
00:52:49,072 --> 00:52:50,472
AND I'M NOT SURE
YOU CAN CROSS
1175
00:52:50,474 --> 00:52:52,776
A TURKEY
WITH AN OCTOPUS,
1176
00:52:52,778 --> 00:52:54,544
BECAUSE THEY'D HAVE
TO MAKE LOVE,
1177
00:52:54,546 --> 00:52:56,047
WOULDN'T THEY,
1178
00:52:56,049 --> 00:52:58,182
AND EITHER THE OCTOPUS
WON'T BE ABLE TO BREATHE,
1179
00:52:58,184 --> 00:52:59,751
OR THE TURKEY
IS GONNA DROWN,
1180
00:52:59,753 --> 00:53:01,319
WHICH IS
RATHER UPSETTING.
1181
00:53:01,321 --> 00:53:06,358
YOU MIGHT BE BETTER OFF
TRYING TO CROSS
1182
00:53:06,360 --> 00:53:11,031
A VERY SMALL TURKEY
WITH A VERY LARGE CENTIPEDE,
1183
00:53:11,033 --> 00:53:14,770
BECAUSE THEY
MIGHT ACTUALLY
MANAGE TO MAKE LOVE.
1184
00:53:14,772 --> 00:53:17,038
AND EVEN BETTER,
YOU'D END UP
WITH A HUNDRED LEGS
1185
00:53:17,040 --> 00:53:19,809
AND EVERYONE IN THE VILLAGE
COULD HAVE A LEG AT CHRISTMAS.
1186
00:53:19,811 --> 00:53:21,510
THEN THAT JOKE
MIGHT WORK.
1187
00:53:21,512 --> 00:53:24,181
THANK YOU.
1188
00:53:24,183 --> 00:53:26,250
OH, YOU SEE,
YOU TELL ME
THESE JOKES
1189
00:53:26,252 --> 00:53:29,420
BEFORE YOU'VE, YOU KNOW,
REALLY PROPERLY THOUGHT
THEM THROUGH.
1190
00:53:29,422 --> 00:53:32,892
YOU SHOULD MAKE THAT
YOUR NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION:
1191
00:53:32,894 --> 00:53:35,360
"MUST UNDERSTAND
HOW COMEDY WORKS."
1192
00:53:35,362 --> 00:53:38,298
"MUST UNDERSTAND
HOW COMEDY WORKS."
1193
00:53:38,299 --> 00:53:41,168
- YOU SEE?
- RIGHT, YEAH.
1194
00:53:41,171 --> 00:53:44,505
- AAAARGGGGH!!!
- AAH!
1195
00:53:44,507 --> 00:53:46,809
( sighs )
1196
00:53:49,513 --> 00:53:50,646
PHEW!
1197
00:53:50,648 --> 00:53:54,852
♪ FOREVER ♪
79733
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