All language subtitles for Buttwhistle (2014) WEBRip-1080p.en

- And yes, you'll, of course,

receive our complimentary
football phone.

Yeah, very well.
(phones ringing)

But do you understand
it's yours at no cost?

Oh.

Okay then.

Cheers.

(explosion booms)

(both panting)

(person flatulates)

- Was that you or me?

- You.

♪ Well, it's hard, it's so hard
♪

♪ Well, it's hard ♪

♪ Well, it's hard to forget you
♪

♪ It's hard, it's so hard ♪

("Love Roulette")

♪ I'm on top of the world ♪

♪ Don't you know what I mean ♪

♪ I am standing in the
back so that I am unseen ♪

♪ So that I am unseen ♪

♪ The quota is set, and the
quota is met ♪

♪ Don't you mess with love
roulette ♪

♪ I'm on top of the world ♪

♪ Don't you know what I mean ♪

♪ I am standing in the
back so that I am unseen ♪

♪ So that I am unseen ♪

♪ The quota is set, and the
quota is met ♪

(glass clinks)

♪ Don't you mess with love
roulette ♪

(engine rumbles)

- [Rose] It just comes
easy for you, doesn't it?

- [Ogden] Like clubbing baby
seals.

- [Rose] I hope you appreciate
it.

- When are you gonna slide this
mattress back on the spring?

(Rose grunts)
(gentle music)

All right (grunts).

Oops.

- [Rose] Nice muscles.

- Steroids.

Nice

those.

- [Rose] Those, those, those
what?

- Boobs.

- It's not like the first
time you've seen 'em.

- Well, they're still
action-packed.

- You said that before.

- I haven't changed my mind.

- Thanks.

(lips smacking)
(gentle music)

- Brand spanking?

- Yeah.

- Oh.

- You any good?

- What?

- You any good?

- I don't think you are.

You wouldn't be wasting your
time talking

to me if I wasn't, am I right?

- Roz!

Hey, Roz!

Who's your dork sidekick?

- His predictions never come
true.

- Huh?

- Hate Crime John?

Cock-sucker.

(engine rumbles)

- What a fucking ponce.

I was gonna kick his ass.

- I know.

Thanks for not though.

- My God, that is some
fine art in Roz, yeah?

You still not rocking
no-ink-yourself concept?

- I'm all right with no one
drawing on me.

- Heard you blew off gymnastics.

- I said I'd only do the one
event, yeah.

- Scholarship to a real school.

- Yeah, but I got smoked.

- Well, you kinda need to
go by the format, mate.

At the same time, you were doing
shit

that no one else would even dare
try.

I mean, why the hell else
are you being scouted

after only one event ever?

Figure they can teach
you the rules, right?

- I'm okay paying my own way.

- All right.

Do you know what you've got,
Ogden?

- What's that?

- A governor.

Around age eight or nine,

your rank-and-file honky
begins to grow a governor,

and that is what you did.

The Third World just don't get
that.

See,

a governor keeps you from acting

on everything and anything
that dawns on you.

Gives you an extra gear or two
socially,

so you're not just some
dopey on-and-off switch.

You can withstand your natural
instincts

and behave yourself within the
confines

of a developed society.

It makes it so you can listen,
focus, process information.

- Did you buy five boxes hoping
to one find one rookie card?

- Might be worth a
pretty penny in 20 years.

And I did not buy five boxes.

- [Ogden] You crook.

- In this life you're either
a crook or victim, mate.

You gotta take your pick.

(rock music)

♪ Don't wanna hear you call on
the phone ♪

♪ I don't want you around ♪

(dog barking)

(dog sniffing)
(radio chattering)

- Ah, Hate Crime John.

Come on, let's keep this show on
the road.

- All right, take it
easy, give us a moment,

just packin' up over here, mate.

Don't touch it, don't touch it,
officer!

I'm a taxpayer, by the way.

I pay your salary.

- Oh, me too.
You don't seem like the
taxpaying type.

- Racism, race plus ism equals
racism,

and it's just plain John, all
right?

- Okay, just plain John.

- John Decalcomania, to be
clear.

- And don't come back.

(solemn music)

- Heard it might rain.

- (laughs) Yeah.

So divide and conquer, right?

- Guess so.

- Guess so?

It's that easy?

- Don't know about that part.

- So we're good then, yeah?

- So goes the plan, right?

(horn honks)

(Ogden grunts)
(dramatic music)

- What are you doing, fucking
asshole?

(dramatic music)

(Beth giggles)

I'll make you cum.

You saved my life.

- Ah, uh, you don't know that
for sure.

And you really don't owe me.

- Do you like to cum?

- Well, it beats a back massage,

but I do enjoy those, too.

Listen, you, you, you don't owe
me.

- [Beth] Yeah, I do.

- All right, give me 10 bucks.

- What?

- 10 bucks, we'll call it a
draw.

- I don't have 10 bucks.

So...

- I'm rusty.

- [Beth] Cool.

I'm Beth.

- No, I mean, I'm a
little out of practice.

That's all.

So, I'm Ogden.

- [Beth] Yeah.

- Goodbye.

- You have retard strength,
don't you?

Aren't you gonna ask me how I
fell?

- You gonna tell me?

- I was gonna let you use me

for friction back there, you
know?

- I haven't eaten in two days.

- Wish I had your willpower.

Sucker.

I hate being the new kid.

- Well, it ain't that bad.

You get to meet all sorts of new
folks,

broaden your horizons.

- You sound like my dad.

- Mine too, I guess.

- No way I fit in.

- Well, if you did,

you'd just be another
sheep in the flock, right?

You can't win either way

if you give a shit
about any of that stuff.

- Why're you so happy?

- Missy Blancmange.

- Ogden Confer.

- Did you get a load of that
dress?

What, you like it?

- Don't like dresses
enough to not like it.

- You don't like dresses?

You wear dresses.

- You wear dresses?

- So?

- Are you a weirdo?

- Yeah.

- When do you wear dresses?

- Wore.

- When do you wore dresses?

- When I fought.

- And now you don't wear
dresses?

- And I don't fight.

I got called out once, to meet,
you know.

So I just showed up
dressed for the occasion.

- Bet he was surprised.

- Impressed.

She was not expecting that, I
figured.

- [Beth] She?

- Well, you know, I got called
out.

What was I gonna do?

Couldn't not show up, right?

- Did the dress help you fight
better?

Feel looser?

Less constricted?

- Didn't really notice.

- [Beth] Did you win?

- I don't know.

Didn't get asked back, though.

(girl grunts)

- You're lying.

- Yeah, but I was the new kid
once.

After you.

- [Mother] You get my milk, kid?

- Hold that.

This is Beth.

- Hi.
- She is the proprietor

of your milk.
- Your mom and dad,

I'm guessing.
- One and the same.

- Mess with one, get the other?

- That's pretty much how it
goes.

- Beth, uh—

- Drogeshoot.

- Oh, I knew a Marianne
Drogeshoot.

- And a Marianne Hugazi.

- Who turned into Marianne
Drogeshoot.

- Cool.

- It was a painful procedure.

- It was before you
were born, knucklehead.

- I was an accident waiting to
happen.

- You were not (laughs).

- [Ogden] Happy anniversary,
guys.

- Oh.
- Woo-hoo.

- Ogden.
- Congratulations.

(mother laughs)

- How thoughtful (laughs).

- How long?

- 20 years.

- [Beth] Happy?

- Most of the time.

I am a pack rat.

I can't throw anything out.

- Really?
(father laughs)

Come on, pack rat.

- Hey, Dad.
- Yeah?

- [Ogden] Can I borrow five
bucks?

(toilet gurgles)
(water patters)

- Jump, Jesus!

(mother laughs)

When Ogden was a rascal,
he crawled into church.

He looked way up, at the
big Lord on the cross,

and yelled, "Jump, Jesus!"

(mother laughs)

First words.

- Ever?
- Close.

- What did you do?

- Laughed, quietly, you know.

I was teaching Sunday school at
the time,

if you can believe that.

(Beth chuckles)

- I think you're some
steel-spiked biker chick now.

- Yes.

Anyway, this is our little
family memento to that day.

(footsteps clatter)

- Hey, Dad.
- Mm.

- You think the lunar landing
was a hoax?

- I think it'd take more
people to make the hoax happen

than can keep a secret.

- [Ogden] Oh.

- So, um, are you in any of
Ogden's classes then, Beth?

- I'm thinking about changing my
name.

- [Father] Oh?

- Yeah, from now on, I'd
like to be addressed as, uh—

(air horn squeals)

(mother laughs)

(air horn squeals)

Yeah?

- [Father] Would you pass
the potatoes, please?

- Sure.

- So how do you spell—

(air horn squeals)

- Still working on that.

I got a couple of options
in test market right now.

- Good to see that you're
getting some learning, son.

Good thinking.

- Testing proves testing works.

- Abubakar?
- Here.

- Dainter?
- Here.

- Morada?
- Here.

(air horn squeals)

- [Ogden] Here!
- Lamange?
- Here.

- Tacockamamia?
- Oy!

- Well, you make me proud.

Uh, middle name?

- For Which It Stands.

- Nice.
- Yeah.

- [Beth] Are you Whistler's
Mother?

- [Mother] Yes.

- So he wasn't lying.

- About what?

- He told me to call him
Buttwhistle.

Said everybody does.

- Well, yes, but now
he wants to be called—

(air horn squeals)

- [Reporter] And in related
news,

Elizabeth Bergsrud, daughter

of Griswold Peter Kaiser
Bergsrud, whose head exploded

in his office yesterday is still
missing.

A spokesperson for her
mother, Esmeralda Gilstrap,

could not be reached for
comment.

- It was nice of your folks

to let me stay here
(toilet gurgles)

while mine are organizing the
move.

Seems like one of 'em are in the
pooper.

(both laugh)

- So did he ever call you
to call him Buttwhistle?

- No.

- Hmm.

(mother sighs)

- You never told me to
call you Buttwhistle.

- No, but feel free to.

- [Rose] Messin' with
nature again, ain't ya?

- Hmm?

- Ever thought about killing
yourself?

- Recall a few times being on
top

of a building or a tall bridge

and wondering what it
would be like if I jumped?

- Yeah?

And?

- I figured it'd hurt some,

or I'd pass out on the plummet.

I heard that could happen, too.

But I can't say I pondered it
much more

than any passing curiosity.

- Mm.

- Though if I did, I'd
go for style points.

- Oh, would you?
- Flips, twists,

that sort of thing.

No sense going out flailing
around and junk, right?

I know that life isn't for
everyone,

if that's what you're driving
at.

- [Beth] Good catch.

- What?

- Me.

- Oh, thanks.

- No.

Thank you.

- Do you see a doctor?

- Do I?

Or do I need to?

- Do, need.

- I don't need to,
because I didn't get hurt.

You saved me.

Lucky to be alive.

- If being alive is lucky.

- What do I owe you?

- You don't.

- Oh, you didn't seem to
like what I offered before.

- Like didn't much enter into
it.

- [Beth] Nothing much
seemed to enter into it.

- Yeah, what, what's up
with that, buddy boy?

- What's up with what?

- Um, she seemed to have a
pretty good handle on things,

if you know what I mean, I mean,
no pun...

- [Ogden] I already got my
Valentine.
- Do you?

Mm.

Grow up, pal.

- What, is it gonna change your
outcome?

(dog barking)
(engine revs)

(upbeat music)

Couple of critters follow
you home there, quick draw?

(seductive music)

- I'm a model, you know?

- [Ogden] I didn't, but I'm not
surprised.

- Nothing dirty.

Just a bikini or two.

No salt and dots, though.

No way I show my nips or front
butt

to some perv photog.

- If you hear applauding,

it's this perv dog, right here.

(Beth laughs)

- [Beth] Wanna see more?

(seductive music)

- You don't owe me anything.

- Keep reminding me.

Come on.

- Did you hire me?

- [Beth] No.

- Then it's free.

- Well, so it this.

Do these boobs make me look fat?

- Well, I did die.

- [Mother] Ogden!

- [Ogden] Yeah?

- [Mother] Phone, it's the
Blancmanges!

- Who are the Blancmanges?

- Neighbors.

- Missy?

Why is it your responsibility
to fix her burnt-up house?

They paying you?

- Just lendin' a hand, is all.

- You go, John Book.

(solemn music)

Are you going to Europe?

- Well, we thought we'd
give the Caymans a try.

We did the Europe trip last
year.

- Did you meet any Europeans?

- Okay, you kids be good.

There's tuna casserole in the
fridge.

All relevant numbers on the
fridge.

See you in a few.

- [Father] Yahoo!

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

- Safe trip, you guys.

- [Father] Be a good boy.

(air horn squeals)

- [Beth] I owe dough.

- Who?

- To what, more like.

- How much?

- Hundy.

- [Beth] Why?

- Why not?

- I'll pay you back.

(knocking)

- Maybe...

- Missy!

Missy, Missy, Missy, Missy,
Missy!

(Missy sighs)

Hello.

Sorry.
I just hit ya in the tit, didn't
I?

Ah, tit hit, it happens.

It's accidental.

Just wait till it's on purpose
next time.

- Bummer about your crispy digs.

(Ogden sighs)

- Yeah, just a bit.

- But hey, what's not to like

about the Lee Harvey Oswald
suite, right?

Got a view of the book
depository.

Got a license to fly that bird,
darling?

- Sorry again about Mr.
and Mrs Brain Sample.

- Who?

- My dogs.

- [John] Daring monikers.

- They survived the fire

and then some asshole poisoned
them.

- Yeah, it sucks.

- I was thinking we should
open our own T-shirt shop.

Well, we were on Maui and—

- There's one on every corner.

- I'm sorry, not outside
the box enough for you?

- We did say no wrong answers.

- Is saying outside the
box even outside the box?

- How did I wind up with you
two?

- By-product of being born.

What about band-aids for people
of color?

- Oh.

- Racist.

- Why?

He said people of color.

- Yes, and that's acknowledging
a difference among races.

- So you're saying that a
band-aid should only match

the paint job of a honky?

- Fair is fair, right?

Pretty sure there could
be a market for this.

- Could be?

They're whaling out spanking
new brothers left and right,

and when they get scuffed
up, they're gonna need—

- A band-aid.

- There she is.

- And any one will do.

It's too controversial.

We'll flunk.

Sorry.

What else?

(upbeat rock music)

- Grades matter to you?

- Sure.

- Gotta think of something.

- Yeah, probably ought to.

- Who made her the group
leader, by the way?

- The teacher.

She's okay.

- No, she's horrible, mate.

God, she's trying.

You had the only ideas.

She just stirred you around.

- She's the group leader.

- So?

- So not everybody gets a
opportunity

to be in charge of stuff.

Let her make the most of hers.

- You only put a girl in charge

if you need a babysitter, mate,

not if you're trying to make
your mark.

Uh-uh, I'm sorry.

- Makes sense, huh, Grandma?

Slow down, now.

- Slow down?

(coughs) Hey, I'm a Yale grad,
kid.

- Then you know what I mean.

- Might want to swap that
diploma for a driver's license,

right about now, huh, Mrs.
Confer?

- Hate Crime John.

- Yes, ma'am.

- I had a pit bull, never bit
anybody.

- True story, true story,
wouldn't hurt a fly.

It was like you in a dog suit.

- I hurt flies, sometimes.

- We'll mail prizes to ya.

Here you go, kid.

- Oh!

Victory!

Grandma, you rule in a savage
way.

- [Grandma] Bye!

(air horn squeals)

- Quick question,

did she just stash those in the
bushes?

- I don't know.

- How come you just didn't
drop her off at her house?

- She doesn't like having
anyone knowing where she lives.

- How long have I known her?

- How long have you not
known where she lives?

- Heard they glossed her Dale
Carnegie.

Do you know why?

- My grandma?

- No.

- Oh.

Who, why?

- 'Cause she uses her little
region

to win friends and influence
people.

- How many guesses do I get?

- Did you finish your lunch,
mate?

'Cause I'd be more than willin'

to stir up her guts if you're
not gonna,

or alternatively, even if you
are.

Why not mix me in for a dose,

and I'll chuck her back
over when I'm done?

It'll be a classic case
of regifting, my friend.

- I give up.

Who's her?

- Come on, mate.

That frothy, little plum
daiquiri you've been chuggin',

she's your new girl, isn't she?

- How you figure?

- You eat her pussy?

Personally, I don't eat
nothin' that gets up

and walks away when I'm done.

Beth, right?

Where she from?

- She fell from the sky.

- You got an answer for
everything, don't you, mate?

- I'm not gonna answer that.

- Come on, mate.

She sign up for any classes,

'cause I never see her at
college?

Where's she from?

- You got the goods.

I should be asking you.

- Called her this morning.

She told me not to call anymore.

Said it'd be better for me
to wait till you call me.

- [Ogden] That's funny.

You said the same thing to my
sister.

- [John] Funny?

I bet you wish Rose weren't
dead, don't you, mate?

I know I do.

- Catch.

- Oh, for moi?

- You bet.

- You make this

at the world's largest
shopping mall, big boy?

- I'm a professional.

It's part of the job, ma'am.

(Beth chuckles)

- It's not really my color.

- Sorry.

- Aren't you going to ask me my
color?

- [Ogden] Yeah, what's your
color?

- Forget it.

- You, uh, want a cookie?

- [Beth] No.

- You sure?

They're tip-top little babies.

- I said no.

- My grandma whaled them out.

You can't go wrong.

- You can if you're allergic.

You should know better.

- Whatever happened to the,

the thought-that-counts
school of gift receiving?

(Ogden laughs)

- You're kind of funny-looking.

- I'm not necessarily
lovin' the mug myself,

but I'm in here drivin' the
thing,

'cause that's what they gave me.

- [Beth] What are you doing?

- Calling my grandma.

- Answer me.

You just talked to her last
night.

- Yeah, probably call
her again tomorrow, too.

- (chuckles) You're a mama's
boy?

- [Ogden] I guess.

- Pussy?

- My grandpa died.

She's probably lonely.

- Four months ago.

Hang up.

You're taking time away from us.

(knocking)

(Beth sighs)

- Mrs. Diffenderfer?

- [Ogden] No, two doors down.

- They're evading.

- No, no, actually,
Diffenderfer is two doors down.

We were just there.

- Oh, Mrs., uh, Inglehoffer?

- Next door.

(tense music)

Cookies?

- Mr. Diffenderfer.

- Confer.

- Mr. Confer,

were you ever in a sexual
relationship

with a Mr. And Mrs. Brain
Sample?

- They're dogs.

How do you ask a question like
that?

- With words.

- Same questions, all the
neighbors.

- No.

- Did you love them?

- I feared them.
- Okay,

answer the question please.

- Did you love Mr. And Mrs.
Brain Sample?

- What's love?

Sure, I guess, they were cool.

I liked them.

- Did you get that, Fenwick?

- Yup.

- You guys don't think that I—

- [Grumisch] I don't know.

- I couldn't feel worse about
the two dead dogs, okay?

- Dead?

Did you say dead?

Did I say dead?
- You said dead,

but he said dead first.

- [Grumisch] Mr. Diffenderfer.

- Confer.

- Mr. Confer, the dogs aren't
dead.

- They're doing really well.

- Oh, well, so am I.

- But they've, uh, turned up
missing.

- Turned up missing, you
said turned up missing?

- I did.

- Oh.

Well, it doesn't really
make sense, does it,

I mean, 'cause how can anyone
turn up and still be missing?

I mean, do you hear
what I'm trying to say?

Do you recognize it as a valid
point?

- Our business is done here,

for the moment.

Stay in town in case we,
uh, got anything further.

- Okay.
- Excellent.

- And I hope that Mr. And Mrs.
Brain Sample turn up pronto.

- [Grumisch] Oh yeah, thank you,
ma'am.

- Bowling shirt and jeans, I got
it.

- He's an athlete.

- Well, I mean, he may be,

but wearing a bowling
shirt doesn't necessarily

indicate any kind of
athleticism.

- You sayin' bowlers aren't
athletes?

- No, I mean, I'm not saying
that.

I'm just saying that...
(phone rings)

I mean, in my opinion, athletes
wear

jerseys, not shirts.
- Hello.

- And also I believe in
the last name on the back,

instead of the first name on the
front.

I mean, that's just apparel—

- He is.

Would you like to speak to him?

It's for you.

- Excuse me.

Hello.

- Why did you, uh, do that?

- Why did I do what, sir?

- Why did you ask that party

if they wanted to speak
to Officer Grumisch?

- Made sense at the time.

- Made sense, really?

It would've made sense for them
to call

and ask if Officer Grumisch was
there

but not want to speak to him?

- I suppose not.

- So why did you ask, "Do
you want to talk to him?"

Let me put it for you another
way.

Would you have been surprised

if the party had said, no, we do
not want

to speak to Officer Grumisch.

We're just wondering if he's
there.

- Yes.

- Precisely.

So what were you thinking?

- Why didn't they call his
phone?

- Thank you.
- You watch it

in the future, okay?

- All right (coughs).

What's that smell?

It smells weird.

It's disturbing.

- Not digging the home
cookin' there, huh, mama?

- Dickhead.

- It smells good to me.

(gentle music)

- Okay, I'll have sex with you
now.

(Beth laughs)

Hmm?

(gentle music)

What?

What?

You're gonna say this is the
first time

that ever happened?

- No, it happens sometimes.

- You're lying.

- Really?

Hmm.

Some other time.

- Where're you going?

I thought we were friends.

What are you doing?

- Did you get my Christmas card?

- I didn't know you at
Christmastime.

- Go fuck yourself.

(gentle music)

(Ogden sighs)

- Psst.

(gentle music)

- Where'd you learn to act that
way?

(gentle music)

(solemn music)

- Hey.
- Hey.

No classes today?

- [Beth] Church.

- Is it even open?

- How many jobs do you have?

- Did you get in touch
with the Drogeshoots?

- [Beth] The who?

- Your folks.

- What's with the quiz show?

- I don't know, probably
worried, you know, wondering.

- When are you, uh,

gonna stop driving your granny
everywhere?

- When she scores a license, I
suppose.

- [Beth] Why is it your
responsibility now?

- Well, Gramps always drove.

- What's that?

- It's a heat shield.
- [Beth] Pretty hand with that
stuff, huh?

- My dad taught me.

I can show you.

- I'm hungry.

You hungry?

- I can always eat.

- Let's then.

- [Ogden] I have a lawn
or two to cut first.

- Peasant's work?

- Yeah, well, I've been a
peasant since I was nine.

Wanna be my partner today?

- No, thanks.

- You sure?

Spit everything 50-50.

("Woman of Mass Destruction")

♪ Stand still, boy, take your
fill ♪

♪ The black widow will wait ♪

♪ Wait for the kill ♪

♪ Wait here, wait,
stay, stay, stay still ♪

♪ I think that the end
is worth the thrill ♪

♪ I'm all around you ♪

(engine revs)

(tires squeal)

(metal thuds)

(solemn music)

- I bet your folks are real
proud of you.

- [Ogden] Don't think so Mrs.
Podgorney.

- You're a grown man.

What are you doing still
living living with you parents?

Nobody's raised the
same anymore, are they?

(Roz laughs)

- What do you say, Big O?

- Hey, Roz.

You comin' by the oldie later?

- Oh, we'll see.

- Gonna party.

- Yeah, what's the theme?

- Get loaded.

- Didn't get the invite.

- [Roz] You just did.

- What about Ray?

- Oh, Ray and I broke up.

The psychic hotline
confirmed he was cheating.

- Really?

- No (laughs).

- Why did you say that then?

- See if you'd say cool,

which would mean you're
cool with dumb chicks.

- Oh.

Well, guess I'm glad I
didn't say cool then.

- Yeah, so after 31/2 years,

I'm back out lookin' for love.

It's weird, huh?

Dudes.

- Dudes.

You ever try a chick?

- Hmm?

- Worked for me.

- You know, there's
something not wrong with you?

- What do I say to that?

- Whatever you want.

So what are you going to say?

- Nothing.

- Cool.

So swinging by the oldie later
then?

Hey, I got your back with those
slobs.

- Those slobs.

- What?

- Thanks.

Hey, Roz.

- Yeah?

- Um, hold on a sec.

(door clacks)

- What's that for?

- Whatever.

- Thanks?

- It's got a lifetime guarantee,

built to withstand.

- By?

- Me, at the office.

- Thanks.

- You can chuck it if you think
it sucks.

It's kind of a corny thing to
say, huh?

- Saying corny,

it's kind of a corny thing to
say, huh?

- Guess so.

- You know, the right person
can say pretty much anything,

won't sound corny.

- Really?
- Yeah, I don't know.

It's kind of weird.

I don't know why it's that way,

but it kinda is.

- So—

- So no big.

- Could the wrong person
say just about anything

and have it be corny?

- See you at the soiree, Big O.

(Roz laughs)

- You want to fuck her up the
ass.

Maybe get yourself a good, hot
cock.

- Not really interested in
gambling in the poo area.

I'm good with all points of
attack

on the original recipe though.

- So you do want to fuck her?

Answer me.

- What's with all the wanna fuck
stuff?

Folks either want to fuck or
they don't.

They either fuckin' more than
you think

or less than you think but never
exactly how much you think,

so what's the use of givin'
any space to the thinkin'?

- Comin' to church,

Big O?

- No, gonna have to sit this one
out.

Got some work.

But thanks.
- Hey, Ogden.

- Hey, Luna.

(bug zapper crackles)
(birds twittering)

(meat sizzles)

I'm not your dad,

but you might wanna
think about droppin' in

on a class or two, huh?

- That's right.

You're not.

- Hey, can you give me
a hand for a sec, chief?

- Sure.

Show 'em who's boss, mama.

- [Roadcap] Damn, brah.

What happened to your mom's car?

- Oh, hit and run.

- No shite?

- [Ogden] We're in a town.

- Can you come back after
dinner?

- Sure.

- Not you.

The kid.

- Roadcap.

- [Beth] What?

- Roadcap.

- I heard what he said.

Don't call me Roadcap, kid.

- Oh (chuckles), I didn't.

- It's his name.

- Yeah.
(Beth laughs)

- What kind of name is Roadcap?

- I don't know.

- Hmm, good a name as any.

- Well, can you come back
after dinner, Roadcap?

- Is that any way to treat
company?

- Man's got a point.

- There's only two steaks.

- Right.

Could be burning right now, huh?

- (chuckles) Dick.

- Roadcap.

- Dude, why you letting
that chick drive the bus?

- Oh, everybody deserves a try,
right?

- No, not really.

- It's America.

- So?

- Roadcap here has joined
the Tournament of Thrills.

- Cool.

Shouldn't he be going to school?

- I am, straight B's.

The stunts are just a side gig.

- You'll shoot your eye out.

- He can jump seven cars.

- No shit, me too,

with jumper cables (laughs).

- Sorry to motor.

- [Ogden] Eat and run?

- Where's you manners, boy?

- Gotta go help Ferzonki
put a top end on his Harley.

- Hey, Cap.
- Hi.

- You gettin' paid?

- Uh, no, the dude's broke.

Bank won't fund the shop any
more loot.

- Well, just be careful.

- I am.

Man, dude knows his shit though.

- How do you know?

- Ask him.

- The guy's like 30.

- Figure I'd help him out.

What?

There's no dipshit you won't
help.

- Don't be like me.

Yank the thorn out of the
critter's foot,

doesn't mean he's not gonna eat
ya.

And there's still too much play
down here.

- Was that for me?

- It's all for you, baby.

(Beth giggles)

(voicemail beeps)
(wood rattling rhythmically)

- [Agnes] Hello, this is Agnes
Pitmore.

You seem to have crashed into my
car.

Could you please give me
a call back at 555-8246?

(phone beeps)

(wood clacking rhythmically)

(alarm beeping)

(solemn music)

- Grandma.

- They used to call me Rab Fats.

- [Ogden] You're okay?

- Mm.

(solemn music)
(smoke alarm beeping)

♪ I've been holding my hands out
♪

♪ Trying to find my way around ♪

(smoke alarm beeping)

♪ Like the bush I've been
blinded ♪

♪ So I keep staring at the
ground ♪

(smoke alarm beeping)

(wings flapping)

(Stanley squawks)

- Guess I was playin'
magic chef again, huh, kid?

- You okay?

- Oh, sure.

I don't remember crashing out,
though.

And I was in the kitchen,
last thing I remember.

- I mean, but you're okay,
though, right?

- Oh yeah, yeah.

- Sorry about Stanley.

- Oh, that's okay.

He's a homing parrot.

- Cool.

- You want some cookies?

From a previous batch though.

Come on, take 'em, kid,

or the terrorists win.

(Ogden laughs)

(dramatic music)

- [Reporter] Elizabeth Bergsrud,

daughter of Griswold
Peter Kaiser Bergsrud,

whose head exploded in his
office,

remains missing.
(Missy coughs)

Or is the correct term at large?

And a scary situation off the
coast

of East Africa this morning,

Somali pirates struck again,

capturing yet another yacht
and taking five hostages.

- You think Sally Struthers
would have gone ahead

and let the flies buzz in
hindsight.

- If Struthers had her druthers.

- [John] Hmm.

- Delicious.

- Yeah, she whips up
some choice ones, huh?

- Yeah, that she does.

Dogs feelin' better?

- Yes, they were missing.

Then they came home.

We still haven't arrived
at a proper business.

- Sure we have.

- I don't think the band-aid
concept is gonna cut it.

- Let's put it to a vote.

This is a democracy, right?

- Old ladies' cookies.

- [Missy] Hmm?

- Something like that.

- Something like what?

- Well, figure everybody's
pretty okay

with fresh-baked goods, wouldn't
you say?

- Everybody loves baked goods.

- And it's just plain given

that an old lady has a way of
givin' an oven the bidness.

Am I right? I mean, it's a known
fact.

- [Missy] Yeah, I guess.

- It's the law of the way,
Missy.

I mean, old ladies'
baked stuff is a winner.

You can't go wrong.

- Aging population, Missy,

gives them something to do,

something that they like to do,

something that they're good at
doing.

They're gonna do it anyway,
right?

- [John] I like it.
- Why not make a little money
doing so?

It could double as a
decent social cause, too,

if you do it properly.

- We.
- If we do it properly.

Folks'll make a special trip

to get what these gals are
doling out.

I mean, I know I would.

I just did.

- Bake it and they will come.

- Oh, you're feelin' it, aren't
you?

(phone rings)

- Hello.

Yeah, this is Ogden.

What?

Yeah, it's a girl name, twat
(laughs).

You heard me.

Crashed nothing.

I don't know what you're talking
about.

Don't call here again, okay?

Twat (laughs).

(phone clacks)
(phone beeps)

- [Rose] You know what I think?

- [Ogden] Sometimes.

- [Rose] I think you, uh, adopt
people.

- Ah.
- Ah!

- No big fat plan, if that's
what you're angling for.

- You realize you've surrounded
yourself

with people who are in no way
like you.

- And they're no way like each
other.

- Answer me.

- What was the question?

- First one to breath in lose.

- What?

- Do you like Mentos?

- Are those the two mints in
one?

- No, that's Certs.

- Oh.

- You're going to drag dorks to
the soiree

so many times so that
they don't ask you back.

You know who said that?

- Gravy trainin' my glossary
again,

huh, Slim?
- Uh-huh, as it applies.

Yeah.

- I was an asshole, huh?

- Hmm, maybe you were right.

You know what else?

- What else?

- Start hanging around dorks,

they're gonna think that
you're one of 'em, you know.

And you become their peer.

I heard that somewhere, too.

- Maybe I'm just seeing
how it is with handicap.

- You're not that good.

- Maybe I'm not bad.

(rock music)

♪ Wah, yeah ♪

- Do you even like these
dummies?

- No, they power suck.

- Why you hang around them then?

- Oh they're okay.

- Make up your mind.

- Do you like every grocery
bag that you went through

when you went through grocery
bags?

- So it's a job?

How many jobs do you need?

You don't even get paid.

Who hired you, hmm?

Who, who even asked you?

Excuse me.

♪ Yeah, like a motorcycle hassle
♪

(rock music)

♪ I'm here hoppin' four lanes
in a single bound, yeah ♪

♪ I gotta hit the path ♪

(Beth laughs)

♪ I'll be here tossin'
hippies all over the road ♪

♪ Yeah, I hope my friend gets
one ♪

(upbeat rock music)

- Get on down there, then, go,
Brewster!

Come on, baby, or else I'm gonna
eat you!

I don't want to.

I have to!

All I had for lunch are
this little loudmouth soup,

and I'm starving.

♪ I'm bound to and fro ♪

- And stop calling me Teddy Jo.

- All right.

- Go ahead, DeGunion, fire it
up.

(engine revving)
♪ Oh all right ♪

♪ Know that was low ♪

♪ Oh he could be lost with you ♪

♪ He could be passing around ♪

(engine revving)

- Hey, don't you think—
(Ray grunts)

- Don't I think what, huh?

- Take it back.

He called you cow tits (laughs).

(Ogden sighs)

- What?

♪ So how you go so low, you
creep ♪

♪ You land them blows in
tropical heat ♪

♪ A squeaking door will always
squeak ♪

♪ So up two, down one, we'll
never be ♪

♪ Please leave us ♪

(Ray gasping)

♪ Those are all right ♪

♪ Do it all, 'cause it's fun ♪

- That's it!

- Ferzonki, he's a piece of
shit.

He's an over-the-counter douche.

Um, do you ever feel bad

for someone you kicked the shit
out of?

- No.

I feel bad for the mom.

No mom wants to see her kid's
ass kicked.

- Unless she's the one doing the
kicking.

- Go out and get a new outfit
just to have some asshole

in a dress drag it and the
kid in it through the dirt.

Tough to find charm in that.
- (chuckles) Go, Mom.

Whoa (laughs).

Whoa (laughs)!

- [Ray] Roadcrap, hey, get me a
beer!

- Hey, yeah Roadcrap (laughs).

Hop to it, fuzz nuts!

What?

Had a blonde moment.

What do you want?

- You probably ought to not
bring that girl around no more.

- Yeah.

- Fuzz nuts?

(Beth laughs)

- Yeah, fuzz nuts.

Mom and Dad know you're using
their tub?

(Ogden chuckles)

- I'm a troublemaker, so.

- [Beth] And a party pooper.

- How's that?

- [Beth] You should've
let Roadcrap make the jump

or let cow tits eat that fat
kid.

- Thanks for the help, by the
way.

- [Beth] Well, you said it, too.

- Cow tits?

- [Beth] Worked in a pinch.

- You know what you're problem
is?

- What's my problem?

- Your problem is that
you don't have a problem.

You never have.

- Hmm, I'm workin' on it.

- I can tell.

What are you doing?

Yeah, uh, yeah, I know
what you're (laughs),

I know what you're doing.

- Then why are you asking?

Just trying to lend a hand.

Share maybe.
- Share what?

- I'm lucky.

- Maybe your luck isn't yours to
give.

- Mate!

How many people do you
know who blow a shot,

more than one shot, by
the way, at the pros,

only to stick around in the
minors

and help out a bunch of
shitheads?

Well, the answer is
none, zero, the null set,

the set whose numbers are none.

You're America, motherfucker.

You put a rock on the
trailer in 10 seconds flat,

and now you're gonna
get your ass blown up,

passing out fuckin' candy bars.

What the fuck?

- Um, look, Ogden, I, I see
where you're going with this.

I do.

You know, it must suck,
going through life sucking.

What if someone had given them a
chance?

All right, but you'll
find there's a reason

why they don't get a chance,
brah.

- Diggin' the brah part.
- Yeah.

There's shit these dorks don't
get that they can't learn.

Maybe they don't want to.

Maybe whining about being second
fiddle

is just their freaking destiny,
you know.

Sound familiar?

You're not an asshole, Ogden.

You're fine, normal.

- A normal asshole.

- In fact, the more you
try not to be an asshole,

the more monumental an asshole
you become.

- You bring out the worst in
people,

because you're a sucker.

- You can't will talent

or initiative on someone, you
know,

or kindness.

- You're already out of
the burnin' building, mate.

Why do you keep on goin' back in

and pullin' fuckers out?

I don't understand.

- Can I say one more thing?

- Just one?

- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, shoot.
- Why do it?

- Why does a dog lick his
clankers?

(seductive music)

- My God, did you see that?

- That thing's a flea-bitten
beast.

It looks like someone
stepped on a tarantula egg

or saw Don King (voice
drowned out by music).

And it's Ogden's wings are
fuckin' (gags).

(seductive music)

(ominous music)

(computer chimes)

(Ogden sighs)

- You want fries with that?

- I want thighs with that.

Did you make me some?

- [Beth] Make your own.

- Your folks called.

- Liar.

- Did you see my belt kickin'
around here somewhere?

- No, quit blaming me
for losing everything.

(Rose giggles)

(phone rings)

- Yello!

- [Missy] What's with the yello?

- I ain't feelin' blue.

- [Missy] You can get clear
band-aids.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You know what that means?

- I know that it means that
there are still none specific

to any skin tone but one.

- [Missy] Nope, ebony, a
band-aid in every shade.

- That's funny.

Pretty sure we moved
on to cookies, though.

Okay, yeah, I'll be there.

All right, bye-bye.

- You're defensive.

- [Ogden] That's 'cause I
know that we are missin' out

on a market opportunity.

- We?

- Yeah.

Ah.

- I think you want to fuck her.

- Well, I noticed that there
was a few photos missing.

- Photos of?
- Rose.

- Rose?
- Yeah.

- Why would you be looking
at photos of Rose anyway?

- [Ogden] I was gonna
ask you the same thing.

- How do you know I was?

Where's my kiss?

(dramatic music)

- I would've tossed her
when she stole my money.

- Grandma always figures that
everybody's basically good,

deep down, you know.

- And you?

- Stuff's more fun that way, I
suppose.

- But what do you think?

- I think nobody's all bad.

(dog barking)

- What are you doing?

- Walking to work.

- [Beth] Why are you going this
way?

- I don't know, it's the way I
go.

- I know, every fuckin'
time, and I can't stand it.

- Creature of habit, I guess.

- Did you just call me creature,
fuckwad!

- I called me a creature, of
habit.

- I don't want to go this way.

I don't want to go this way!

Fuck, I don't want to go this
way!

Let me the fuck out!

Let me the fuck out!

- Hey, asshole!

- Which one?

- Fuck off!

- Me or him?

- You, Peaches.

- Stop chewing.

I'm goin' to the red door.

- What?

Most people fight when they're
pissed.

- You're pissed?

- Do you take

the Lord Jesus Christ as your
Savior?

- It's cool if you do, though.

- You're not going to Heaven.

- Hopin' it all works
out, but how do you know?

- Duh, everybody knows.

- Outside chance God doesn't
have the ego of a human?

Doesn't give two if you believe
or not.

Might not be angling for the
savior level accolades either,

for all we know.

- And you don't know.

- Then that makes two of us.

- No.

What?

- Pushy little mofos, aren't
they?

- [Beth] Whatever.

- Do you care if they think
that you're their savior?

- I am their savior.

- Sorry.

- Excuse me.

- Hi.

- Do you have Ogden's money?

- I'm sorry.

- Don't be.

Just pay up.

- For?

- He's been stopping by
every day after work,

fixing up your digs.

Says you owe him some
money for the effort,

and it's past due, and he's
been bugging me to collect it.

- Sorry, he's been bugging you.

- Only in passing.

Got the money?

- Well, did he say how much?

- Don't you know?

- [Angus] Sorry, I don't.
- You're sorry a lot, 300.

- Um...

- He insisted.

Says he doesn't work for free.

- 20.

Looks like we're gonna
have to owe you the rest.

- Him.

I'll let him know.

Hope he doesn't take it out on
me.

Kill the messenger, right?

Hate that.

- I'm, uh, Mr. Blancmange,
by the way, Angus.

- I know.

- [Ogden] Hey!

- Hey.

- Um, yeah, okay, we've, uh,

we've gone ahead and
knocked off for today.

- Okay.

You guys gonna take
advantage of the nice day?

- Yeah, yeah.

Thanks so much for offering.

- Made great progress.
- Yeah, great progress.

- Well, okay.

Guess I'll just swing back by
tomorrow.

Try and get off work early,

but I'm sure it'll be okay.

I'll see you then.

You guys enjoy your afternoon.

- Here, have some lemonade.

- No, didn't earn it today.

- Hey, you haven't
noticed anything strange

about (air horn squeals) lately?

- No.

Come on.

(Missy sighs)

(phone rings)

- Hello.

- [Angus] It's me.

- Hi, Dad.

- [Angus] You didn't see
my pillow mint, did you?

- Still here.

- [Angus] Save that for me, will
you?

- Sure, no problem.

- [Angus] Say, you haven't
seen Ogden, have you?

- No, why?

- [Angus] Nothing, just curious.

Is someone there with you?

- Hate Crime John.

- [Angus] Who?

- John.
- Oh, okay.

Bye, sweetie.
- Bye.

(energetic music)

- This is kind of like in-flight
refueling

for you, innit?

You're a World War I SPAD,

and I'm a C-130 Hercules tanker.

Woo, yeah.

(John grunting)

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Bomp, shu bomp, shu bomp ♪

(ominous music)

- What the fuck, cow tits?

- Ow, God!

- Gangrene set in.

He doesn't have insurance.

He just chopped the mofo clean
off.

- Why are you helping this
fucker?

- Cooked it and ate it too.
(Ray yells)

He swapped a '57l Fl 74 Panhead

for those trick pinchers right
there.

- It's a plastic toy.

- [Roadcap] There's a little
metal.

- Do they come with a cover
piece,

like a sleeve housing thing

that makes it look like a hand
and an arm?

- Yeah, I didn't get that part,

but the mechanics are good,
right?

I mean, it's solid?

- Probably should swing
back by in a day or two,

and we should re-torque the
joints.

- [Beth] Fuck.

- What?

- Aren't you tired of paying
someone

to treat you like an
asshole in your spare time?

(Ogden chuckles)

Let me go.

- [Ogden] Okay.

- Got any money?

- I don't know, do I?

- What's that supposed to mean?

(phone rings)

- Hello.

Yes, this is Ogden.

No, I am not a girl.

Oh really?

Someone crashed into your car,
too, huh?

I'm sure if we put our
heads together, one sec.

Well, that sounds like it'd
hurt.

There are no girls here,
at least, not right now.

You're more than welcome to come
by and...

Okay.

- Would you treat her friends
the way

that she treats yours?

Okay, um, would you do to her
stuff what she does to yours?

No, and would you do any of the
stuff

that she does to you, to her?

- What's good for the goose?

- Mm, sorta.

- Dumb, mean, lazy and crooked,

gonna ride that combo to glory,
big fella.

- Wonder if it's something
that can't be helped.

- She is kind of hot though.

- Like when a dog craps on the
road,

it craps on it because it's a
dog.

Can't really help it.

No ill intent, it just is.

- You talkin' to the soap, bro?

(soap thuds)
- Oy!

- [Rose] Okay, try not to be too
much

of a sucker, buddy boy.

- Being a sucker's the
biggest luxury there is.

- [Rose] You know better.

- That's the weird part, right?

- [Rose] Mm.

- You haven't seen my wallet
kicking around, have you?

(rain pattering)

Hi.

Heard it might rain.

- It is raining.

Are you following me?

- I don't know.

Where you going?

- Home.

- Look, Beth—
- My name's not Beth.

- Do you wish it was?

Can I call you Eric?

- No.

- You can call me Eric?

- I, I, I, I!

Aye-aye, Captain!

- What?

- It's all about you.

- No.

You know what else?

- What?

I'd jump on a grenade to save
your life.

- [Beth] Why?

- 'Cause it would make
me feel better about me.

(train horn bellows)

(solemn guitar music)

How you been since we last
spoke?

- Great.

Thanks.

Here's your change for the tape.

Lost your wallet, sorry.

(solemn guitar music)

You don't have to succeed at
this, okay?

For once.

Fuck you, fuckin' fucker.

(solemn guitar music)

(both laugh)

- Ogden, I don't want you there

when the time comes, okay?

- Look—
- Mm-mm.

I don't want you to remember me
like that.

- I wouldn't.

- You would.

And it would power suck
(chuckles).

- I can take it.

- Maybe it ain't all about you,
huh?

Can, can I have my vanity,
please?

Friend?

- I just want to see you off,
you know.

- You already did.

- I'll catch you later.

(Rose laughs)

- Divide and conquer, right?

Get out of here.

("Hard to Forget You")

♪ Yeah, I know that we are
through ♪

♪ But there's nothing left I can
do now ♪

♪ Better not, not go by ♪

♪ I should've known, and
oh man, I wanna die ♪

♪ I don't want to, but I can't
find ♪

♪ 'Cause I can't get you out of
my mind ♪

♪ Well, it's hard, it's so hard
♪

♪ Well, it's hard ♪

♪ Well, it's hard to forget you
♪

♪ It's hard, it's so hard ♪

♪ Well, it's hard ♪

♪ Yeah, it's hard to forget you
♪

♪ Spring, summer, winter, fall ♪

♪ And I ain't seen you at all ♪

♪ Now, I'm gonna do is get the
rain ♪

♪ And pour it to the bottle of
pain ♪

♪ Well, I know that we are
through ♪

♪ And there's nothin' left I can
do ♪

♪ Well, it's hard, it's so hard
♪

♪ Well, it's hard ♪

♪ Well, it's hard to forget ♪

- What's your name?

- [Ogden] Pardon?

- What's your name?
- Name?

- Uh, guys, it's me, Mrs.
Diffenderfer.

- Hey, what's your name, real
name?

(air horn squeals)

- Hey!
- Grabbed it.

- Get up.

(engine revs)

(radio chattering)

So you misplaced your wallet,
huh, kid?

- [Rose] Why you?

- I don't know.

I should probably find out soon
though.

- Next time, you know, just
don't talk to her, okay?

(upbeat rock music)

- [Dispatcher] 851!

- Nothing compares to
these little beauties.

- So you're saying they're
better than nothing?

- No, I'm saying they're
better than crullers.

- Right, but crullers are
something.

And if you add anything to
nothing,

then it becomes something.

It's no longer part

of your comparison.
- No.

That's different.

- [Fenwick] No, it isn't.

- Well, then it's the
same, but it's different.

- It can't be, really.
- Sure, it can.

- No, I mean, how can something
be the same but different?

It can't.

It's not possible.

The same, different,
the two things are, uh,

mutually exclusive.

- If I stick my thumb up my ass,

that's one thing, right?

But if you stick your thumb up
my ass,

that's the same but different.

(radio chattering)

(smoke alarm beeping)
(wings flapping)

("Woman of Mass Destruction")

♪ Stand still, boy, take your
fill ♪

♪ A black widow will
wait, wait for the kill ♪

♪ Wait here, wait,
stay, stay, stay still ♪

♪ I think that the end
is worth the thrill ♪

♪ I'm all around you, I'm all
around you ♪

♪ Like napalm gas, I will
surround you ♪

♪ I'm all around you, I'm all
around you ♪

♪ Like a heat-seeking
missile, I'm gonna find you ♪

♪ I'm a female weapon
of mass destruction ♪

♪ You can try to resist but
your heart will not function ♪

♪ Bring me your religion ♪

♪ Bring me your gods ♪

♪ But I'm a clerical
weapon, a cocktail bomb ♪

♪ I'm all around you, I'm all
around you ♪

♪ Like napalm gas, I will
surround you ♪

♪ I'm all around you, I'm all
around you ♪

♪ Like a heat-seeking
missile, I'm gonna find you ♪

♪ I'm all around you, I'm all
around you ♪

♪ Like napalm gas, I will
surround you ♪

♪ I'm all around you, I'm all
around you ♪

♪ Like a heat-seeking missile,
I could still find you ♪

♪ I'm the forces of good
in an apocalyptic vision ♪

♪ I slice up your dreams
with a surgeon's precision ♪

♪ I take more than I need ♪

♪ But I leave you a little
something ♪

♪ The spell of love's demise
under my consumption ♪

♪ I'm all around you, I'm all
around you ♪

♪ Like napalm gas, I will
surround you ♪

♪ I'm all around you, I'm all
around you ♪

♪ Like a heat-seeking
missile, I'm gonna find you ♪

♪ I'm all around you, I'm all
around you ♪

♪ Like napalm gas, I will
surround you ♪

♪ I'm all around you, I'm all
around you ♪

♪ Like a heat-seeking
missile, I'm gonna find you ♪

♪ I'm gonna find you ♪

♪ I'm gonna find you ♪

- [Man] Pronounced Bute-Weizel.

- [Dispatcher] Yes, I
will be clear and uh—

- What's with, uh, people
always associating cops

with doughnuts, you know?

It's so trite.

Like, we eat other things.

Slim Jims, for example.

And the coffee thing, too,

you know, it's not the
only thing we ever drink.

I myself sometimes bring Tang
from home.

- Ah!