All language subtitles for Una Famiglia Mostruosa (2021)

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A MONSTROUS FAMILY

- Haven't we gone a bit too far?
- Come on, it's the last house.

I don't want to go in there.
A weirdo lives there.

I'll ring the doorbell.

Wow! Look at you, guys!

Trick or treat?

A treat, thanks.

Come on, I'm just kiddin'!
Come in, I've got loads of candy!

Come inside! Go ahead!
It's all on Nando! Come in!

You like being scared, huh?
Do you really know what fear is?

Real fear,
which arrives when you least expect it?

This! A tax bill,
which you can't pay in instalments.

It's not fear... It's terror!

Come on, Grandpa.

You're too young
to panic about such things.

I'll tell you a really scary story now.

Forget Halloween!
It's about something that really happened.

Come on, sit down.
I'll scare the shit out of you!

Once upon a time, there was a cat...

- Puss in Boots?
- No!

A special cat without boots.
Let me talk.

This cat had a master.

They were inseparable.

They spent their nights
watching roofs, the stars...

What a bore!

Until...

Hi.

- Who are you, pussycat?
- Cagliostro, come back here!

Excuse me...

Don't worry, he's not bothering me.

My name is Luna.

What a nice name.

- I'm...
- Adalberto.

We're attending the same course.
I saw you in class.

- I'll come down and get him.
- I can take him upstairs.

But it's a love story. Love isn't scary.

It is, it is.

Love is like Halloween.

First you get a treat...
and then a trick.

Honey, dinner's almost ready.

Let's have a drink first.

- With or without lemon?
- I'd rather not drink tonight.

Okay, double one for me.

Adalberto...

Thanks.

What is it?

A pregnancy test?

It's positive?

Oh, Jesus.

- How could that happen?
- What do you think?

See? Fear exists!
Adalberto was completely aghast.

Not because he didn't want the child,

but because he had
a considerable little secret.

It was one of those moments,

in which a man needs to unburden himself
and talk to a friend.

I made a mess.

I thought it was impossible for me
to have children.

Unlikely, not impossible.

- The cat can talk?
- I told you he's a special cat!

He doesn't wear boots, but he can talk.
Let me continue!

Will the child be like her or like me?

If it's going to be like me,
that'll be a problem.

- What shall I tell her in nine months?
- Nine months?

Our pregnancies don't last that long.

- How much then?
- Not long.

Judging from Luna's belly,
three or four...

- Three or four months!
- No, three or four days.

Oh, my God...

What shall I do now?

Go back to the castle and talk to Sirio.

- He's the only one who can help you.
- Right, Sirio!

- I'll go right away.
- You're not leaving Luna here, are you?

No, of course not. But how can I possibly
take her to my parents' house?

You don't have any alternatives now.

Go, hit-and-run.
Anything else would be worse.

And come back soon...

If you actually manage to.

- Some friend you are!
- Meow.

Who are you talking to?

What friend?

No, "pussy-friend".
The cat keeps on running away.

Listen, I want you to meet my parents.

Do you want to tell them
about the child?

No, first you'll get to know each other
and then we'll find a way to tell them.

It'll be difficult for them
to accept you.

Why? I'm not good enough
for the Count and Countess?

No, darling.

They're quite difficult, attached
to their traditions, closed, intolerant.

We'll just have dinner with them
and then leave.

Alright.
If you think it's necessary, let's do it.

You surely got me a bit anxious.

You talk about them as
if they were monsters!

Yes.

Hello?

Oh, it's you.

A call for you!

Salmetta, how many times have I told you
not to wake me up so suddenly?

Don't show your teeth to your father,
understood?

- Who is it?
- Your son.

Adalberto! Daddy's honey pie!

I miss you so much.

We all miss you so much.

Listen, I have a problem.

Well, then tell your Daddy
and I'll solve the problem.

I got engaged.

- Wonderful!
- To a female human being.

Dad, are you there?

Your mother won't be happy that you got
engaged with a female human being.

That's why I called you.

We're coming over for dinner tonight.

- You're coming with her?
- Yes.

She shouldn't... "recognize who we are".

Understand?

- Can you get Mom all set up?
- You want me to get Mom set up?

You think I should?

- Alright.
- Thanks.

I knew I could rely on you.

- Don't worry, I'll take care of it.
- See you tonight, bye.

Who's going to tell Mom now?

Salmetta...

Darling, can you do Daddy a favor?

Of course, Daddy.

I'll tell Mommy.

The knight eats the pawn.

How do you think your sister reacted?

You think so?

But maybe she reacted well,
because I still didn't hear her yell.

- Vladimiro!
- Exactly.

Ah! You just sit here and play chess,
while your son is about to bring a hum...

A human?

Come on, Brunilde, don't dramatize.
Adalberto is still a pup.

He might play with her for a while
and eventually get fed up.

- And what if he doesn't?
- Exactly.

If he doesn't get fed up?
Wasn't it already enough what the hum...

- Humans.
- Did to uncle Nanni?

It's not the women's fault.

It was the mean cat,
Cagliostro, who ate his brain.

Listen, you know you shouldn't say
that word beginning with "B".

It makes him upset.

Excuse me, "the most important organ".

But let's be honest, when we moved out,
you were the one who told me:

"Let's disassemble uncle.
It'll make things easier."

So, you took his most important organ
and put it in a bowl.

At that point, the poor, little cat
obviously got confused.

- It was a box.
- It looked like a bowl.

And it was closed.

Anyway,
Adalberto's not bringing the cat.

Vladimiro, don't make me lose my mind!
The feline's not the problem.

It's the hum...

The human.

You shouldn't have let him study in town.

See what happens when you indulge
in someone's every whim?

What was your brain thinking?

Sorry, sorry!

- Sorry, darling.
- Brunilde, what was I supposed to do?

Adalberto doesn't like our lifestyle.

I even gave up drinking blood for him!

Come on!
We couldn't have kept him with us forever.

And what about me?

I have to stay walled up in here forever,
just because I'm a girl?

No, Salmetta.
It's because you don't know how to behave.

As of today,
we monsters have to stay hidden.

Because if you bite someone, cast a spell

or if you're a bit different,
like uncle Nanni...

people immediately take videos of you
with their mobile phones

and post you on the social networks.

Then you can forget
living a peaceful life.

Come on, let us finish talking now.
Go to the crypt.

- That girl is unbearable.
- Oh, well, preadolescence.

Yes, but 200 years of preadolescence...

I warned you
not to vampirize a 12-year-old.

And now, look at the state we're in:

a daughter in the middle
of a hormone storm, now and forever.

That sucks!

I still didn't give anyone a first bite
yet, just because of you two!

- Crypt!
- Crypt!

- I'm exhausted.
- What do you want to do about your son?

What...

I mean, in order to please your son,
should we pretend we're hum...

Humans?

Sure, come on.

No! Jeepers creepers! Brunilde!

You're the one who's provoking me.

Yes! Yes, it's me!

And I beg your pardon.

Brunilde, darling, believe me.

We have to indulge Adalberto,
otherwise we may not see him anymore.

Jamais!

Incredible.

A few months ago, I never would have
thought we'd have our own family.

Yeah, me neither.

I'm really happy
that you reacted well to the news.

I was so afraid.

Careful, there's a fog bank!

Don't worry.
I know the way off by heart.

There's always a fog here,
even in the summer.

The GPS isn't working.

Nothing works where my parents live:

Internet, mobile phones, GPS.

Nothing.

So, you won't need this at the castle.

What do you do if you don't know the way?

Nothing. In fact, no one ever comes here.

This place practically doesn't exist.

Here we are.

When you were talking about the "castle",
you meant a real castle.

Yes.

Home sweet home.

Fingers crossed.

Uncle.

It's alright.

She's Luna. She's with me.

She's a woman...

But she's nice, she's nice.

My uncle had bad experiences with women
and was traumatized for life.

Poor man...

Uncle, you take care of the car.

- What is he doing?
- Thinking.

No, enough thinking!

My uncle also badly injured his head
in an accident

and always takes everything literally.

Nice to meet you.

How wonderful! Welcome!

Welcome back, honey.

- Mom, Dad, she's Luna.
- It's an honor to meet you, Luna.

We were so anxious to meet you.

She's Salmetta, my little sister.

- My name is Salma.
- Salma? What a nice name.

- Thank you.
- A little present for you.

How nice of you, my dear.
But you can be informal with us.

How is that possible?
They were fresh a moment ago.

Don't worry.
It's the thought that counts.

Fine... Shall we go and eat?
I'm so hungry!

You're telling me.

Please.

Dad, can I bite her?

Don't you dare!

Otherwise, I'll have your teeth filed,
sooner or later.

Let's go, uncle Nanni!

Sursum corda!

Salmetta, stop chatting.

Get involved,
at least when we're at the table.

Great fun.

I've never seen such a phone.
What model is it?

It's an I-Sphere.
They invent a new one every day.

I forgot something in the car.

- What?
- Something.

In the meantime,
you can get acquainted with each other.

Dad, can I rely on you?

- Yes, of course. No need to worry.
- Start eating, go ahead.

Luna, since we don't know each other,

can I ask you something,
like a curious mother?

No.

No, Salmetta. There's no first course.

I already told you.
We're just eating Goulash today.

Of course.
You can ask me anything you want.

Sirio, I have a question.

My human girlfriend is expecting a child.

Will it be like me or like her?

I answer everything,
but only in rhyme, no cheating.

Right, sorry.

Sirio, Sirio, on the wall,
I'll put a question to you on my thrall.

Unveil the mystery seeking
that the boy becomes a human being.

If you wish to satisfy your query,
a magical password you must provide me.

- They set a password?
- Yes.

Dad's date of birth?

- Give it a try.
- Let's see.

Two, 11, 1431.

- Wrong.
- Shit!

Two more attempts you may dare,
after that, I'll have to stop and glare.

You graduated with honors?
Congratulations.

And what do your parents do for a living?

I'm an orphan.

I prefer not to talk about it.
My parents died when I was a child.

Lucky you!

Salmetta, come on, please!

Well, she's not entirely wrong.

She means that Luna can do
everything she wants,

without having to answer to anyone.

If she disappeared, no one would look
for her, no one would suffer. Right?

Brunilde, what are you talking about?
Do you mean Luna has to disappear now?

No, I'm just saying!
It's a mere hypothesis.

Mere...

- Mom's date of birth?
- Well...

Eleven, three, 1390.

- No, wrong.
- Oh, my God...

You can try one more time,
but then the alarm will have to chime.

- Adalberto.
- Grandma! It's you.

You scared me.

You look as though
you've just seen a ghost.

- Excuse the witty remark.
- What are you doing here?

Sleeping isn't possible.

I roam around,
among memories and fading sorrow.

Then enjoy your roaming, Grandma.

At sunset,

when the last sunray
shines through the window's grating,

the Kazakh tapestry will unveil
the combination you're looking for.

The password! Thanks, Grand...

Ma.

I have to stay here another day.

- What shall I do?
- "What shall I do?"

Luna, you're a great surprise.

And to think that Adalberto
didn't even tell us.

I assume
you've both just met very recently.

Well, not exactly.
Since we started our Master's degree.

Two years.

So, it's getting serious.

No, it's nothing.

It's these power surges
that often lead to short circuits.

- Luna, can you pass me the salt?
- Of course.

Did you hurt yourself?

Excuse me.

I don't know how I missed the chair.

Don't worry. It happens.

So, we were saying that your relationship
with Adalberto is getting serious.

Do you already live together?

Practically yes.

No!

I don't know what's wrong with me.
Excuse me, I'm a disaster tonight.

If there's a rag,
I'll clean everything up.

- No, don't worry. Uncle Nanni will do it.
- Okay.

- Later. Uncle Nanni will do it later.
- Later.

Darling,
are my questions embarrassing you?

No, not at all.
I've never been so clumsy.

I'm giving the worst image of myself
to my boyfriend's parents.

Your boyfriend... How sweet!

Oh! You're so beautiful, Luna.

Thank you, Brunilde.

Enough of the old hag!

I mean the old story of a mother-in-law
giving the third degree.

My voice sounded strange.
You heard it too, didn't you?

- No.
- No.

Yes.

Even uncle Nanni says... no.

No.

- Everything alright?
- Wonderfully!

It's so nice to see
all of you here together.

You know what?
Luna and I will stay overnight.

Wonderful news!

A great joy!

Fine, I'll have the guest room
prepared for our Luna.

This is my room and that one is yours.

Great! Let's spend
this beautiful evening separated.

Come on, Luna. Let's do this.

Let's wait until everyone has gone to bed

and then you can come
in my room at midnight.

- Okay?
- Okay.

- You could have at least asked me.
- They seemed so happy.

I didn't expect them to give you
such a warm welcome.

I don't think your Mom
likes me very much.

I acted like a fool, repeatedly.

Darling, no.

If she doesn't like someone,
she makes it quite obvious.

She really accepted you.

- You think so?
- Trust me.

Beautiful, sophisticated, in love,

like this little doll.

Just like you pierced my son's heart,
now I'm going to pierce yours.

Brunilde, that's not a good idea.

If we hurt her,
Adalberto will never forgive us.

But...

Let's try not to repeat
the same mistakes.

Which mistakes?

Which ones?
To interfere in our son's relationships.

Yes, because if you hadn't done so,

maybe Adalberto
would still be with his ex-girlfriend

and we wouldn't be facing
this situation.

- Are you referring to Daphne?
- I'm referring exactly to Daphne.

So, you mean, I...

That's a great idea!

- Which idea?
- Daphne!

No! Daphne is a terrible idea!

You're a genius.

Dear Daphne, Adalberto
will be so happy to see you again.

You know, I was really sorry
when you two broke up.

Really?

When I was with Adalberto,
you made my life impossible.

Remember? You were continuously saying
things, such as...

"She's a flimsy woman"...

"It makes no difference
whether she's here or not"...

Well, heavy words were said...

But they were only words,
silly things, misunderstandings.

I never had anything against you.

And you had nothing against me even
when you gave me that carnivorous plant?

Well, it's never easy to know
what kind of present you may like.

I thought it was an original idea.

Yes, I know.
I just forgot to tell you not to touch it.

Anyway, it caused permanent damage.

I wouldn't be surprised
if you're still angry at us.

I really care about Adalberto.

And if it was an accident,
well, it's forgivable.

It's forgivable
if someone asks for forgiveness.

And what do you expect?
My wife to apologize? Forget it!

My wife never ever apologized to no one

and I doubt she'll ever do so,
starting with you.

I apologize, Daphne.

Fine.
I'm very happy everything is settled.

Now I'm going to Adalberto
and I'm going to get him back.

That human will only be
a faded memory tomorrow.

That woman has absolutely no dignity.

I don't understand which side you're on.

Which side I'm on? On yours, of course!
On which side could I ever be?

Adalberto...

Luna... It's already midnight?

Forget that human.

Daphne?

Oh, my God! What are you doing here?

You mean you didn't miss me?

You're naked!
No, Daphne, it's not appropriate...

Relax. What's wrong?
Don't you like me anymore?

- I even got an implant. Feel.
- Daphne, no, really...

Oh, wow.

- Is it a double D?
- Abundantly.

There, your clothes.

- But why?
- Try to understand.

- You were very important for me, but...
- Yeah, sure...

I love someone else now
and I don't want to betray her.

That's not fair.

Now get dressed and leave.

If that's what you wish...

I'll do it to make you happy,

but I shouldn't have trusted
your mother again.

- My mother?
- Yes.

Adalberto!

- Get out.
- You're the one who told me to come.

Yes... No, I wasn't talking to you.

- To whom then?
- To my cold.

It's a little game
I used to play with uncle Nanni.

"Go away, cold, go away!"

It's full of drafts here.

- What about these?
- What?

- Who do these clothes belong to?
- They're mine.

- Yours?
- Yes, I bought them for you.

Since I still haven't given them to you,
technically they're still mine.

What do you mean?
You want me to dress like a slut?

You're the slut!

- Who talked?
- Me!

- I'm training to be a ventriloquist.
- You?

"You're the slut!"

- Why am I the slut?
- No, you're not.

But you could become one
if you wore them.

So let me get this straight:
you find this kind of clothes exciting?

You can bet on it, cutie.

"You can bet on it, cutie."

Adalberto, enough!
It's not you! It's a woman's voice!

What woman?
It's me. No one's here.

"It's me."

Adalberto, the door opened
and closed by itself.

Did you see that, too?

- Are there ghosts in here?
- Drafts.

I told you I caught a cold.

Do you want to believe
in paranormal things now? Come on.

You check the windows in here.
I'll shut the ones downstairs.

- They create an air flow.
- Are you leaving me here by myself?

No, don't worry. I'll be right back.

Mom, putting Daphne in my bed
was a really vile act!

I told you it wasn't a good idea.

- You knew, Dad?
- Yes.

Enough!

If you try to separate us again,
you'll never see my face anymore.

You have to promise me
that you won't use your powers on her.

- Promise.
- Mom?

- Witch's word of honor.
- You're crossing your arms.

Don't be so distrustful.

- Witch's word of honor.
- Your legs.

Witch's word of honor.

Adalberto, listen...
Even Dad used to bring girls home.

Yes, but that was only
because I needed to eat them.

It was a mere food relationship.

Sure enough, I never said anything.
He didn't introduce them to his parents.

- You don't even know these hum...
- Humans.

- They're vulgar, greedy and deceitful.
- Luna's not like that. She's different.

- She loves me like I am.
- Yes? So, you told her who you are?

No, but what does that
have to do with it?

Sorry, but Mom's right.

What if I never knew she was a witch
and she never knew I was a vampire?

We would have missed
the best moments of our life!

Burying corpses in the garden,

strolling through cemeteries
holding hands,

diving in swamps at night,
full of mice and blood suckers!

Quelle merveille!

My love, you're so romantic.

Adalberto, you're ruining your life.
Don't you understand that?

You keep on insisting? I'm not like you.

I want to live like humans do!

But you're not a human,
and when you get nervous...

You get me nervous! I'm an adult now,
I know how to handle the situation!

Yes, sure, you really do show
a great amount of self-control...

Adalberto, here you are.

I'll leave you alone,
if you want to talk.

- Yes.
- No.

Have a seat, dear.

We don't have any secrets
within our family.

I admit it, I was a bit puzzled
about your relationship,

but Adalberto was just reassuring us.

- I'm happy you see it that way.
- I see it.

That's correct,

because we must always listen
carefully to our children.

- "Listen carefully". I got it, Dad.
- What...

Luna, dear...

What counts is your love.

But since you practically
already live together,

I was wondering
if you spend a lot of time together.

- Well, yes.
- Always?

Day and night? Every night?

Yes, except for one night a month.

One night a month? And where does he go?

- With the boy scouts.
- With the cubs?

Well, he was with the cubs
when he was a boy,

then the ranks change.

A transformation slowly takes place,
from hand to hand.

- Excuse me.
- Where's he going? What's wrong with him?

Nothing. He's always been a lunatic.

Adalberto!

- You're a real witch.
- I know.

- That's why you love me.
- Yes.

Are the girls who sunbathe

But there's one

Who bathes in the moon

Moon tan

Milk-colored tan

All night up on the roof

Up on the roof like cats

And if there's a full moon

You become snow-white!

Snow-white!

Honey, are you here?

Everything alright?

I must have eaten something
that made me feel sick.

So suddenly?

No, go away.
I don't want you to see me like this.

What are you talking about?
Why did you lock the door? Open up!

All night up on the roof...

Where are you?

- You're taking a shower?
- Just a quick one.

- What's this smell?
- I told you, I don't feel well.

No, it smells like a wet dog.

Dog? What dog? There's no dog here.

What's wrong with your voice?

Honey...

What the fuck...

Moon tan

Milk-colored tan

All night up on the roof

Up on the roof like cats

And if there's a full moon...

- Your son's a werewolf!
- A lycanthrope, to be precise.

I'm a witch.

Oh, and my husband is a vampire.

I sincerely hope
this doesn't compromise our relationship.

Dad, can I bite her now?

Okay, the keys.

Oh, my God! Please, start.

Come on!

My phone!

There's no service.

Help! Come and save me.

Adalberto is a werewolf, his mother's
a witch and his father's a vampire!

They are all monsters! Help!

Fuck, no service!

Oh, my God! What have I done?

Where is she?

My love, don't be afraid.

My love.

- What have you done?
- Honey, you did everything yourself.

What shall I tell her when she wakes up?

Mom, can you make a potion
to make her forget what she saw?

I could, but you made us promise
not to use our powers on her.

- Witch's word of honor.
- Can I say something?

I think we should help Adalberto go back
among human beings and live like them,

if that's what he wants.

Thanks, little sister.
I didn't expect this from you.

You're welcome.

As soon as you leave, I'll move into
your room and take all of your things.

- Of course.
- Come on, son.

If she loves you, she has to accept you.

No, we have to accept her, understand?

We all have to accept her!

Honey?
I think your uncle misunderstood you.

No, uncle!
I didn't say "hatchet", I said "accept".

Adalberto...

What's going on? Why are you all here?

- Did I shout while I was sleeping?
- No.

I had a terrible dream.

- A nightmare, darling?
- Yes.

All of you were monsters

and you were a werewolf
with hair all over your body and...

So, you...

And all of you...

Come on, it could have been worse.

Darling, wait.

- Wait. It's still me.
- Who? You're a werewolf, Adalberto.

Yes, you're right. I should have told you,
but I was afraid of losing you.

- Oh, really?
- Do you think it was easy for me?

I wanted to be a human being
ever since I was a boy.

When the other kids had lice,
I had fleas.

I had a German teacher:
"Adalberto, sitz! Adalberto, platz!"

Do you know what it means
to be beaten with a rolled-up newspaper?

Then you came, and everything changed.

All I needed to do was to keep calm
and go outside when the moon was full.

For the first time in my life,
I was happy.

Good for you.

I don't give a damn
about your childhood problems.

If I wanted a dog instead of a husband,

I would have gotten a Chihuahua,
a Labrador or rather an Italian Spinone.

- You never gave me freedom of choice!
- Darling!

- I brought you here because of our son!
- What about our son?

No...

You mean he's going to be like you?

- Oh, my God.
- What is it?

My belly, it's grown.
How is that possible?

Oh, it's possible.

Our pregnancies are a bit faster.

- What do you mean "a bit"?
- I don't know.

- You still have about...
- How long?

One or two days.

Don't get uptight. It's normal.
You're bustling with hormones. Breathe.

The hormones, of course.

In two days, I'm going to give birth
to the son of a werewolf

and you think I'm uptight
about the hormones?

No, but there's a solution.

That's why I brought you here.
To ask Sirio for help.

- Sirio?
- Yes.

- Who is he?
- The magic mirror.

The magic mirror?
Sirio, the magic mirror.

Adalberto.

Fuck off.

He can tell us
how the child can be born a human.

Then let's go! What are we waiting for?

We need a mysterious password,
which will only appear at sunset.

That too?

Let's wait for this fucking sunset
and then I'm leaving.

It's over between us.

When things are settled, you'll see
the child every second weekend,

in the presence of a nanny,
armed with silver bullets.

You'll also provide for child support.

Darling, can't we solve this situation?

- I still love you.
- No.

Don't worry. I'll be on my way tonight
and you won't see me again.

All's well that ends.

Luna, nothing personal,

but the relationship
between monsters and human beings

has always been conflicting.

That's why we took refuge in this modest,
out-of-reach manor house.

Don't worry,
I won't tell anyone about you.

Who are they?

- Hi, everyone.
- Who are you?

- I'm Luana's Dad.
- Who's Luana?

Weren't they dead?

- I was just saying.
- No!

Cornicioni Nando.

Cornicioni Nando.

You must be Alberto, right?

You look great.
I'm so happy to meet you, finally.

- What's wrong with that guy?
- Uncle badly damaged his...

- Most important organ.
- No!

- Yes, he only has half of it left.
- Bloody hell!

Let's continue with the introductions.
Cornicioni Nando.

Count Vladimiro of the Obscure Torture.

My wife, Lady Brunilde Vega
of the Painful Death,

Countess of Wallachia and Moldavia.

Her brother, Giovanni Tenorio,
Marquis of the Deconsecrated Sepulcher.

Holy crap!

Yeah, don't get intimidated,
'cause our bonds are in the bank.

My wife, Stella.

Excuse me, Mr. Cornicioni,
but how did you find us?

Military technology.

This thing talks directly
with the satellite. You don't need pylons.

It always tells me where everyone is,
employees and family.

I have to be available 24/7,
as well as my team.

They even know where I am now.

Sorry for showing up unannounced.

We only managed to get this.
We didn't come empty-handed.

Anyway, it's a grand bottle.
I mean, it costs 200 bucks!

"Bucks"?

Alright, you pop the cork, and we'll go
have a chat with our little Luana.

Dad, what shall I do? I'm bored.

What's he doing? Darn, come here.

Daddy's sweetheart!
All he does is eat 'n sleep!

There's a girl over there.
Go and play with her.

I have to teach him everything.
Let's go, little Luana.

Hi, I'm Ivano.

Good for you.

Do you want to play with me?

No.

That animal is the girl's Dad?

- Wasn't she an orphan?
- That's what she told me.

So, Luna... I beg your pardon, Luana...
is the "different" one?

I told you, you can't rely on hum...

- Humans?
- Right.

Anyway, how can we be sure
that they are really her parents?

Come on, look: armored car,
satellite technology...

They are monster hunters.

Adalberto, did you get engaged
to Van Helsing's daughter?

I don't know, Dad.
At this point, everything's possible.

- Van Helsing?
- Come on...

What about your message?

- You received it?
- We sure did.

Help! Come and save me!
Adalberto is a werewolf!

His mother's a witch and his father's
a vampire! They are all monsters!

I'll come home tonight
and explain everything.

- Please, leave now. It's dangerous.
- Of course it's dangerous.

If they listen to the message,
they'll think you're crazy.

What are you saying, Dad?

Come on, it's not the first time.
When push comes to shove, you back out.

The cop was too jealous, the surfer
had a different girl in every beach,

the tattoo artist never washed himself
all the rest of them likewise!

- You're driving us nuts!
- Well, at least we didn't miss anything.

But what's wrong with this guy?
I don't understand. He's even a Count.

Your Mom and I were so happy

when you told us you were going
to meet his parents.

You gave us the wonderful news.

When I heard your message last night,
I got so fucking angry.

Thank goodness your mother explained it
to me, 'cause she's got big brains!

Stella, tell her what you told me.

Listen, Mommy's little cutie...

You know that I took
a psychology course, right?

Well, we once addressed
an analogous issue.

- Do you know what "analogous" means?
- Much of a muchness.

When a guy asks you to meet his parents,

and in this case
the guy's of a certain level,

getting anxious is normal.

It's the so-called performance anxiety.

You felt under pressure, right?

So, the fear of being sucked in,

symbolically expressed
by the image of a vampire.

The hostility
of your future mother-in-law,

who is the typical archetype of a witch.

And most of all...

your partner's sexual drive.

You mentioned a beast, a wolf, I mean...

Men are horny, Luana.
But it's normal. Got me?

Five-hundred Euros for a Master's degree
in Psychology, but it all repays us now.

Listen, things aren't as you think.
I'll deal with everything myself.

You have to get out of here.

Yeah, sure,
now we'll just scram and leave.

Luana, please, now you're getting me...

Exactly. We'll go back now, otherwise
they'll think we're a bunch of boors.

Here we are. Excuse us, family business.

Damn it! I forgot Grandpa
in the car, under the sun!

No, no need to worry. I left the window
open. It could have ended tragically!

Mom, please, leave.

Luana, what's wrong?
Because you seem ashamed of us.

Come on, Dad. Get out.

- What is this?
- Nothing. Come with me, come.

What are you ashamed of?
Just because they're nobles?

Nobles are penniless,
everyone knows that.

I mean, did you forget all the sacrifices
your father and I made?

Did you forget that your father
risked going to jail

when he was travelling back 'n forth
from Switzerland with bags full of cash?

If I think of all that black market,
I swear...

It brings a lump to my throat,
I can't help it.

You don't need to be ashamed of anything,
Luana.

Understand?

- Don't pull me!
- Keep calm, Dad. Keep calm.

- Where the hell are we?
- Calm down.

We were taking him to the rest home

because our Moldavian caregiver
took a few days off,

but then we had to rush here.

Dad, may I introduce you
to the Count and the Countess?

Nice to meet you. I'm Paride Cornicioni.

Have a seat.

Nice day.

- Fresh air here!
- Quiet, Dad.

When he starts blabbering,
he's like a cat clinging to your balls!

- Hey, Vlad! Can I call you Vlad?
- No, I'd rather not.

What is it? Does garlic disgust you?

- I eat it too, you know?
- Eat yours, not mine!

We always take it with us,

'cause it's excellent
against high blood pressure.

- Would ya like some?
- No.

Geez... What a damn amazing estate
you have here, Vlad.

I work in the branch, I'm a constructor.

How many square meters is it?
Is the basement also registered?

- He wants to know where the...
- What?

The crypt.
He wants to find out where the crypt is.

Crypt.

Wait.

The property tax must be a real blow!
Or is it bound to the Cultural Heritage?

What a damn smartass you are!

I've got industrial sheds, but they're
all registered in my wife's name.

The tax authority was attached
to my neck, trying to suck my blood!

Why do I even bother telling you?

Hey, Luana! Pick up your heavy ass
and get over here! It's getting very rude!

No, he's acting. He can't be her father.

His gang, he eats garlic!
They must definitely be monster hunters.

- Right, no one can be such a boor.
- We must be prepared for anything.

Please, excuse her,
but it's understandable in her state.

- What state?
- Is she pregnant?

- Mom, I wanted to tell you...
- You didn't know?

Luana, did I just give it away?
Alberto, did you want to tell them?

So damn cool, Vlad,
we're going to become grandparents!

A toast to the baby Count!
Hey, we're a family now.

- Monster hunters would have been better.
- I have to throw up.

Is what my sister says true?

- That you're monsters?
- Look who's talking.

Did you look at yourself?

Smile!

- I knew it wasn't true.
- It is. It's all true.

I don't believe you.

No? You don't believe me?

Come with me.

Come.

Cool! So, you really are a vampire!

- I told you.
- I'm obsessed with vampires.

I saw every movie and every series.

How can you possibly wander around during
the day? Doesn't the sun burn you?

Yeah, right...

"Doesn't the sun burn you?"

This comes from all of that bullshit
you see on TV.

Like turning into bats.

- So, what powers do you have?
- Well, nothing special.

I can hypnotize,
see in the dark, walk on walls,

super strength,
super speed and immortality.

That's so cool! You're even immortal?

Yes, but that's not so cool.

After the first 100 years
it's a damn bore.

Is it true that if you bite someone,
he becomes a vampire, too?

- Yes, that's true.
- Would you bite me?

No, wait, I waited 200 years
for my first bite.

There's no way
I'm going to do it with you.

But you're doing great on Monstagram.
You already have 30,000 skulls!

Let me see.

Look.

- You mean people like me?
- No, it means you suck.

I told you. I broke up with him
because he's a werewolf.

Do you hear how your daughter talks?

The problem's much more serious
than we thought.

Believe me!

Look at uncle Nanni.
Does he seem normal to you?

Well, every family has a weirdo.

- Do you think your Grandpa's normal?
- By the way, where the fuck is he?

We forgot him on the porch.

Stella, please, go and check,
before he starts roaming around.

- I have to go? He's your father. You go.
- You're right. I'll go later.

There's something I don't understand:
what's wrong with Nanni?

Do they keep him so they can cash
in his invalidity pension?

Of course, poor guy.

What do you mean "poor guy"?
He's a monster!

He cheated on all of his women,

so in the end they took their revenge
and cut him to pieces.

- He experienced a big trauma.
- He got caught.

What a dickhead.

No, his sister and her husband
sew his pieces back together.

That's normal.
The family puts the pieces back together.

- I can't take it.
- Let's not lose these pieces.

Let's sew Alberto back together.
You were so in love with him.

Nando, please. Get yourself together.
What does love have to do with this now?

Luana, listen to Mommy.

Did you ever ask yourself
why relationships end?

- Because love ends.
- Exactly.

So, if there's no love from the start,
it's quicker.

Look at your father and I.

We've been together for a lifetime.
And why?

'Cause the only thing that counts
in a relationship

is having things in common.

Your father and I
have everything in common:

bank accounts, industrial sheds,
cars, our villa at the beach.

If your father gets screwed,
I get screwed as well.

I have to cry again.
I can't help it, I'm emotional today.

These guys, for example, they might be
under the separation of property regime.

They have this damn huge estate
and they don't even take advantage of it!

Look, 25x50 meters.
That's enough for an Olympic pool.

Come and have a look.

I say, let's overlook
the perversion for the hum...

- The human.
- But getting her pregnant?

I didn't think...

Brunilde, please, try to consider
everything from a different point of view.

Natural childbirth
is very rare for us monsters.

It took us centuries to have Adalberto.

- Yes, but at least we had fun!
- Of course, very much.

Except that he, our son,
hit the target at his first shot.

- Great sniper!
- Yes, but...

Brunilde, we're an endangered species,

but now we're expecting a cute,
little grandson.

What do you think?
Wouldn't that be wonderful?

A wolf cub, or a baby vampire...

Like me.

Vladimiro,
are you trying to hypnotize me?

Me? No.

I just can't get my eyes off you,
because you're so beautiful.

Darling, be reasonable.

Our genetics is truly unpredictable.

Maybe even wonderful
little witch like you could be born.

Forty-three, 44, 45, 46, 47...

Forty-eight, 49...

Olympic pool! Sure thing! One, two...

- But it also has that biped's DNA.
- Four, five, six, seven...

Genetics is a matter of uncertainty.

Yes, but we can't just stand here
and make predictions. It's done.

Let's just try to recompose.

Mom, Dad...

Excuse me, beautiful lady.

Can I ask you for some information?

Is this a rest home?

- Of eternal rest.
- Nice place. I thought it would be worse.

- Where are the others?
- The others ignore me.

I understand you.

They treat us elderly people like ghosts.

I am a ghost.

Well, don't bring yourself down.

You're a beautiful lady.

May I introduce myself?

Cornicioni Paride, class of 1932.

The widower of Mrs. Santapaola.
Respectable pension, no criminal record.

I'd be honored if you would accept
to keep me company.

- You're going quite fast.
- Fast?

At our age,
we don't have much time anymore.

It's a beautiful occasion.
I wouldn't want to waste it.

I haven't had a gentleman in centuries.

Shall we take a walk?

I consent.

Lead the way.

Let's be frank with each other.

Where are you? I don't see you.

- Follow my voice.
- Coming!

Paride? Paride!

After 20 years of research on your cells,
I'm pleased to provide you

with this unique replacement brain.

Dr. Victor...

Frankestein.

Did I get the wrong room?

Oh, my God, excuse me,
but these doors all look alike.

Hey, are you afraid?

No, don't worry.

Damn...

This guy really needs some support.

I'll get a chair, alright? Shall I?

There, look. The right distance.

Come on, you sit down, too.

Let's talk a bit, alright? A quick chat.

Listen, tell me...

They keep you here, so they can cash in
your disability pension, right?

Or are you really messed up?

Oh, you're really messed up.

Well, maybe they didn't tell you,

but if you want,
you can always undergo a treatment.

In this case,
I could help you, if you wish.

What trauma do you have?

First of all, you have to relax, okay?
You have to trust me.

You have to lay bare.

Wait...

Listen, I didn't mean that,

but if it helps you bring out your trauma,
I mean...

A big trauma.

Have you seen Grandpa?

- Nando, listen, I can explain.
- I don't need an explanation.

- It's all very clear.
- No, it's not like you think.

No, it is. You saw a hopeless case
and you threw yourself headlong.

This poor guy was showing you his drama.

Well, Nando, I must say that your behavior
is very progressive. Well done, Nando.

If I didn't know how things stand,
I could have gotten the wrong idea.

Of course.

Why? How are things standing?

- Didn't you hear the Count at dinner?
- No.

These guys are nobles.

They called it the "most important organ"
just to be polite.

But what organ do you think they meant?

He said he has less than half of it left.
A teeny-weeny piece.

I feel really lucky in the face
of all of these tragedies.

Nanni.

Don't worry. It can happen to anyone.

Life goes on.

It was a bummer,
but you're actually damn lucky,

'cause my wife and I will always
welcome you with open arms.

Is it a jellyfish?

Are you scared? I'll handle it.

What the fuck is he sayin'?

This guy's really messed up.
Everything frightens him.

Poor guy.

Excuse me.

First, you make us break up and now
you want us to get back together again?

She doesn't want me anymore.
Don't you understand?

And at this point,
I'm not convinced anymore either.

She lied to me.

Well, you haven't exactly been
triumphantly sincere either.

Dad, she told me her parents were dead.

Didn't you see them? Anyone else
would have said the same thing.

In fact, this demonstrates
that the girl even has good taste.

You have to do it for the child.
Get her back.

Mom could prepare a love potion.

No, I don't want her to love me
because of a spell.

And anyway,
I gave my witch's word of honor.

Have ya seen Grandpa?

Did I interrupt you? Were ya taking stock
of the situation, Vlad?

Vlad, we have a kid on its way,
so we need a shotgun wedding.

Do we all agree?

Marriage is a trapping.

Vlad and I aren't married and we're fine.

No, forget these civil unions,
'cause we need a gigantic diamond ring.

Maybe you're missing the point:
you're the ones who are making a killing.

You might as well be nobles, but we have
enough money to wage a war. Clear?

In the sense that we have money,
but we're no freakin' blockheads.

"Freakin' blockheads"?

If you back out,
are we supposed to burden ourselves?

Look, it's in our common interest
that the two of them get back together.

So, what's the problem?
Alberto, do you really want Luana?

Yes, I want her, but she doesn't want me.

And what did you do
when she told you that?

- Forget it, it's complicated.
- What do you mean, Alberto?

- Adalberto.
- What did I say?

Alberto,
I know that women scoff your brain out,

especially when they're pregnant.

But she's inseminated.
She's goin' nowhere.

I did the same thing with my wife
and we've been together for 25 years.

No, I stopped taking the pill because
you already made your first million.

Anyway, Luana is a Cornicioni,

she understands
a certain kind of language.

I can read you.
You mustn't talk to her like you talk.

"Sorry", "honey", "let's talk it over"...

Be a male, Alberto! Do as I say.

Go to her and say:

"You're mine, the kid is mine
and you're not going anywhere."

And then you shove her against the wall.
Understand?

You don't want to be like the 17 guys
she had before you?

- Who?
- The guys she went out with.

How many? 17, 18, 20?
She might not have mentioned all of them.

Never be too kind to women
and you won't fail.

Believe me, go and talk to her now.

Thanks, Nando.
I have it all figured out now.

Sure thing. If you need some advice...

We gotta help these young guys.
They're a disaster, damn them!

- Was it valuable?
- It was 2000 years old.

Well, then it was about time
to change it.

Alright. We gotta go and find Grandpa.

Dad! Paride!

- Love potion.
- I gave my witch's word of honor.

In this kind of situation,
Nando would say: "Who gives a fuck?"

Whoever drinks this love potion
shall stay together forever.

Peels of illusion.

Are you nervous today? What's the matter?

Five.

Promises of eternal love.

Just enough.

Three drops of loyalty.

Let's make it two.

Platinum card extract.

The keys of a Spider car...

And a SPA membership.

Why didn't you brew a love potion
for me and Adalberto?

Daphne, you're still here?

You've already had your chance, dear.

I'm over here.

I was saying: Adalberto made his choice,
so we must respect it.

I'm over here now.

Either you keep still
or you wear something,

because you're getting me nervous,
my child.

I don't want to give him up.

When you called me, I came immediately.

Why are you so hostile to me now?

Alright, I'll tell you,
if you're so keen on it.

I always thought
you were a bit superficial.

Focusing on your physical appearance
in your state

is quite limiting.

Still going on about that story?
Every woman has made a calendar.

What's so bad about that?

The shots are elegant and witty.

If they contain any malice,
it's only in the eyes of who's looking.

Alright,
that's the only full-nude picture.

I didn't expect you to be such a moralist.

It doesn't seem vulgar to me.
It's an artistic nude.

It's thanks to this calendar
that I became an influencer.

Fine.

Then forget Adalberto
and dedicate yourself to art.

You're unfair.

No one appreciates me in this family.

No, someone does appreciate you. See?

Consider it a compliment.
He hadn't watched a woman in centuries.

What should I do
with a sewn up ex-seducer

with the IQ of a hen?

I'm alone, but not desperate
to this extent.

Sheer madness.

No, darling, don't listen to her.
She's a flimsy woman.

I surely made mistakes,
but what you did is incredibly serious.

Listen, I feel ashamed for what I did.
I was wrong.

I don't know why I told you
that my parents were dead.

When I met you, you were going on
about your coat of arms,

you seemed like a perfectionist.

I felt inappropriate,
which is actually wrong,

because even though my Dad
has a lot of flaws,

he never failed to provide for me.

No, your parents
have nothing to do with this.

I wasn't referring to them, Luana.

Yes, you're right.

I never liked the name "Luana".
I always preferred "Luna", the diminutive.

No, let's stick to the point!
I was referring to those 15, 18, 25...

I don't know how many you had!

You told me you only had
three relationships before me.

I meant the important ones.

Can you define
the concept "important", Luana?

I don't know. For example, informing
your partner that he's a werewolf?

Enough. There's no dialogue.

At this point, we'll ask the magic mirror
and then we go our separate ways.

Exactly. We go our separate ways.

Alright.
The magic password will soon appear.

It's probably some kind
of mysterious, ancient formula.

The password, Sirio.

With impatience
I await the ancient sequence.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Correct answer.

Fuck off!

The password thou hast now received,
although it's a bunch of crap, it seems.

Yet, I don't want to be discourteous, now
that we're here before thou, so notorious.

Which spell could be right for us,
as to avoid the child being monstrous?

I've always been talented with rhymes.

Sure, very.

Adalberto and Luna,
you're very fortunate.

Even though the belly is enchanted,
the result is not taken for granted.

This complicated situation
could require a double solution.

If it's your fate you wish to modify,
the outcome you may decide.

But since there's no turning back
to the past,

"yes, I do" you must pronounce very fast.

Yes, I do.

And what does Adalberto answer?

Well?

Come on.

Are you sure that our son
will get a better education

by being psychoanalyzed by your mother
or learning the etiquette by your father?

Thirty seconds left to answer.

I'm going to take him to the pediatrician
and not the veterinarian.

My father is definitely not the problem.

Alright. Come on, let's do it.

- Yes, I...
- Have you seen Grandpa?

Dad, Grandpa isn't here.

Where the hell did
that fucked up old ogre go?

He always screws things up!

- No!
- No! The mirror!

Sirio, answer me!
Sirio! Nothing, he's gone.

Thank God your father wasn't the problem.

Don't say another word.

And now?
Aren't there any other solutions?

No, we have to wait
for the child to be born.

Look at my belly.

If I have to deliver tomorrow,
my parents must be prepared.

We'll tell them together.

Come on. I want to be a vampire.

Bite me. What does it cost you?

No way.

And what if you bite me?
Do I turn into a fat girl with zits?

I don't think so.

- Come on, what does it cost you?
- I said no.

We're too different.

That's not true,
we have a lot of things in common:

our braces, we're the same height

and our parents love our sisters
and brothers more than us.

I would do anything to be bitten by you.

- Anything?
- Yes.

- Then jump out of the window.
- Alright.

He really did it?

Did you get hurt?

A bit.

Will you bite me now?

No, because you're too stupid.

Mom, Dad, I tried to explain
the situation to you in every way,

but you still don't believe me.

Now, there are some indisputable facts.

Does this seem like a one-month belly?
How can you not understand?

Mommy's little cutie... Your Mommy
just pretended not to understand.

You've been pregnant since ages!

You were just afraid of telling us!
Well, it doesn't matter.

I can't get it through to you.

I'll try again.

Mom, Dad, this is a magical pregnancy.

- How sweet! Listen to her!
- Cute.

Darling, being pregnant
is magical for every woman.

Your first one, 'cause when you get
to the second one, you don't give a damn.

When your brother was born...
Do you remember? I couldn't give a shit.

- It's normal.
- Mom, nothing's normal here!

There's a very high probability
that the child becomes like his father.

Did you hear that?

Of course it'll be like his father.
Come here.

How should this child be born?

- With how many other men have you been?
- What are you saying? No one.

You can tell your Mommy.
Do you think that with your father, I...

- You betrayed Dad?
- What the hell are you saying?

Of course, my love. Look at him.

Mom, I could never betray Adalberto.

So, what are you going to do?
Put a flea in his ear?

Alberto, the child is going to be
exactly like you.

Don't you understand
that they're monsters?

Sparks fly when you're pregnant!

It's a typical pregnancy chit-chat.
The hormones go berserk.

- You have to calm down.
- No, madame, Luna's right.

I am a werewolf.

When the moon is full, I turn
into a werewolf and run through the woods.

I'm the son of a vampire and a witch.

See? The truth finally came out.

And do ya know what the truth is, Alberto?
That you're a damn son of a bitch!

You're the one who filled Luana's head
with all of this bullshit!

I know what kind of guy ya are.

When Luana behaved like a nice,
little girl, ya had your fun.

Now that she's big and she went crazy,
you want to hand her back over to me?

No, too easy.
That's not the way things work.

I'm going to talk to the Count now
and he's going to kick ya ass!

I wonder if you have the guts to tell
this bullshit to your father and mother!

The vampire, the wolf, the witch!
I'm so scared!

Please, Dad, don't talk to them.

Still defending this asshole?

Luana, please. Your father's right.
When you gotta do it, you gotta do it.

- Alberto, where's your father?
- Nando, it's dangerous, seriously.

Yeah, it is dangerous.

It's dangerous for you.

I'm usually as good as gold, but now
I've got turbines blowing my ass off!

Alright, that way.

- I advise you not to go.
- Let's scram. We're gonna laugh now.

- Vladimiro!
- Dad, what's going on?

Little eat 'n sleep. Keep calm.
This stuff is for adults.

You're really fucked up now.

Vladimiro!

Wow, look at all this fancy trimming!
A crypt, a coffin...

Alberto, I must admit,
ya put a lot of effort into it.

Thank goodness
I'm not as stupid as my daughter.

So, if this is a coffin,
the vampire must be inside.

You know what? Fuck off, will you?

No!

How disappointing, Vlad.

I didn't expect a gentleman like you
to be part of such a tomfoolery.

He even put on fake teeth.

Dad, calm down, please!

Yeah, sure, 'cause if he gets nervous,
he's gonna suck my neck!

Actually, Vlad,
let's play it 'til the end:

you try to bite me, I pull out a piece
of garlic and you pretend to freak out!

Yeah, let's do it! It smells awful! Awful!

You're good.
Wow, you're a great actor! It stinks!

Stop!

- Is she floating?
- No, it's just a trick.

No!

Nando, it's dark. I'm getting frightened.

Shut up,
don't give them the satisfaction.

She's not here.

I'm sure there's an explanation.
The coffin is here.

It's empty.

Where the hell has he gone?

- Oh, there he is.
- Nando, can we be scared now?

We sure can.

There she is.

Bloody hell.

I was kiddin'!

I was kiddin'!

Mom, Dad, are you alright?

You were right, Luana.
They really are monsters.

Your Dad's a real dickhead.

Fine.

Since we have now become
a bit more acquainted,

I suppose you're thinking
of how to escape now.

- Why should we?
- Because you're afraid.

No! I was afraid before.

I was afraid that Luana and the kid
would be stuck with us.

Now that their intentions are clear,
what's the problem?

- Right, Stella?
- You bet!

You don't have to worry about the money,

'cause it's the bride's parents
who always pay for the marriage.

Nando and I also thought
that we could somehow give you a hand.

It's full of cracks everywhere

and we can fix it for free,
because it's a historic dwelling.

We'll mix it among
a call for tenders of the EC.

They'll pay for it and we'll even skim off
and pocket some extra money.

- It's an inacceptable proposal.
- You want the money all for yourself?

You can have it. I don't give a damn.

Well, forget it.

The point is that Luna
must deliver the child on location

and the descendant's education
must also be entrusted to our family.

No, no messing around!
What'll I do if a monster kid is born?

Shall I take it for a piss at the park
on a leash? Do I look like that?

- Ya can keep everythin' yourself.
- How are you talking, Dad?

Sorry. You can keep everything yourself.

Dad! You're more monstrous than them!
You didn't even ask me what I think!

There will be no marriage.
Adalberto and I broke up.

I'm going to raise the child by myself!

Mommy's little cutie, I understand you're
emotionally and psychologically blocked.

But I must say, couldn't you have thought
of it before putting the loaf in the oven?

Enough now! Don't you understand?

Luna doesn't want to be
with a guy like me! Look at me.

Alberto, a few hairs
never frightened anyone.

If I reasoned like you do,
I'd still be a virgin. Look.

Yes, it's a cornerstone of psychology.

Every woman looks for a partner
who is similar to her father figure.

Exactly.
This marriage will be carried out.

- It's time for the filter.
- Yes.

Gentlemen, please.

I know, we are also very sorry,
but our children are adults,

they have made their decision
and we have to respect it.

So, now we should sit down,
relax our souls and get over it.

- Voilà, champagne!
- Très bonne idée.

Come on. Let's raise our spirits.

Yes, here it is.

Here.

A toast to the end of our belligerency.

Adalberto! Don't drink.

- Don't drink.
- What are you talking about, Dad?

- Daphne drank Luna's potion.
- Mom, I can't believe it!

You made a love potion?
You wanted to force us?

Adalberto, please,
let's not jump to quick conclusions.

- Come on.
- You're worse than humans.

Luna, let's go.

And stay away from us!

And respect our decisions.
For once, at least.

Damn, they're fuckin' pissed off.

Well, from a cognitive-behavioral point
of view, rebellion is a good thing.

I mean, giving a cut
to the umbilical cord is a staging post.

Stella, do me a favor.

I don't understand what you're saying
and most of all it doesn't help a fuck.

I think we've really thrown
these 5000 Euros for your Master away.

How the fuck are you talking to me?

Excuse us. When she gets nervous,
she always shoves her hand in my face.

- Stella!
- "Shoves"?

Wait! Come on, let's make up!

Stella!

Hello, Daphne.

- My dear Brunilde.
- I must say, I underestimated you.

- Well, you were wrong.
- I adore stubborn women.

As you know,
the spell doesn't have any effect

if the other person
doesn't drink it, too.

It's a shame, such a waste.
It turned out pretty well.

Little brother, do you want a drink?

You know, he really loved your calendar.

- Brunilde, what are you doing?
- Let's leave them alone.

- Yes.
- No!

No, it's disgusting!
Nanni, don't drink it! Disgusting!

It won't work, anyway!

- I don't want you!
- Daphne.

I want you.

Nanni, dear, you have such a deep gaze...

Your scars are so sexy...

- Sexy...
- And your lips...

- Lips...
- What are you waiting for? Kiss me!

Salmetta, please, bite me.

Ivano, I told you, if I bite you,
it's going to happen to you, too.

You'll be blocked at this age forever
and you will never become an adult.

You've seen how adults are, haven't you?
Do you think I want to become like them?

Grandpa, you're here!

How are you?

Fine, I'm dead.

Grandpa, what do you mean?

No, I was running after
this beautiful lady,

then she passed through a wall.

I crashed right against it
and smashed myself.

But don't worry, come on.
I never felt so alive.

And I found love.

She's Crisalide.

- Crisilde, darling.
- Yes, right.

My Grandma.

It's probably 'cause I bumped my head.

Adalberto, dear, I wanted to tell you
that I've never been so happy.

- And how are you two?
- So so.

I tried to help you as best as I could,
but you living people are so stubborn.

Luana, don't look so grim. Come on.

Why do you and Adalberto
want to break up?

We've kept too many secrets
from each other.

- That's true.
- What do you care?

You used to love each other, didn't you?

So, you're still the same people.

Don't waste time by breakin' up
and then getting' together again,

by sufferin' and cryin'.

- Life is like a quick bite.
- Make love until you can, guys.

Because afterwards...

Adalberto...

Let's go home.

Together?

Adalberto.

I'm willing to try again,
but on one condition:

let's keep our families out of this.

Promise. No problem.

- But there is a problem.
- No, I said there isn't.

- Yes, there is.
- No, there isn't.

I said there is. My waters just broke!

- Then we really do have a problem.
- Yes.

- Let's drive to the clinic.
- Go.

I'm going. Breathe.

- That's what poor Sirio meant.
- Right, yes.

Everything went just fine.

Surprise!

- What shall we do?
- What shall we do?

How can we possibly
not show them their grandsons?

Here he is, our little darling!

- He's definitely one of us.
- Ya kiddin' me?

Stella, show him my picture as a child.

- There you go.
- Two of a kind.

Gee! The dead spit of you!

Vlad, I don't wanna say it,
but this one's a human, too!

Two-nil for us!

You can't beat the Cornicioni's DNA!

Little mouth...

Little mouth!

Look! His first feed!

He's his Grandfather's double.
He has the habit of biting!

Fuck you.

- Fuck you.
- Darling.

Hey, you can't beat our DNA.

And this is where our story ends.

And they all lived
monstrously ever after.

But you said it was a true story.

Monsters don't exist.
Everyone knows that.

Let's go. This guy's already
made us waste too much time.

- At least the treats were good.
- Yes, but the trick wasn't that good.

Grandpa, why do you always tell
the story of how we were born?

Aren't you afraid they might find out
that we're monsters?

No one would believe it anyway.

Besides, every family
is a bit monstrous in its own way, right?

But family is always family.

Boo!

- So, are we engaged?
- Don't exaggerate now.