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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:15,541 --> 00:00:19,221 -You filming people having chemo now? -[Tony sniggers] No, just you. 2 00:00:19,501 --> 00:00:20,381 Oh. [chuckles] 3 00:00:20,461 --> 00:00:21,421 [Tony] All right? 4 00:00:22,341 --> 00:00:23,181 [Lisa] Yeah. 5 00:00:25,421 --> 00:00:27,021 I'm not looking my best, am I? 6 00:00:28,461 --> 00:00:29,501 [Tony] You're fine. 7 00:00:30,301 --> 00:00:33,981 ["Little Piece of Nothing" plays] ♪ The sun is fading ♪ 8 00:00:35,741 --> 00:00:39,701 ♪ A little more every turn ♪ 9 00:00:42,661 --> 00:00:46,101 ♪ But if we make it ♪ 10 00:00:47,901 --> 00:00:51,781 ♪ I'll be here for you for sure ♪ 11 00:00:53,981 --> 00:00:56,341 ♪ Oh ♪ 12 00:00:56,941 --> 00:01:01,021 ♪ Release a little piece of my hoping ♪ 13 00:01:02,981 --> 00:01:06,461 ♪ Away into the wild and free ♪ 14 00:01:08,901 --> 00:01:13,341 ♪ Sometimes I wish that we hadn't gotten ♪ 15 00:01:13,861 --> 00:01:18,941 ♪ So deep ♪ 16 00:01:31,621 --> 00:01:34,861 How long... have you been posting your mail... 17 00:01:35,701 --> 00:01:37,141 in a dog waste bin? 18 00:01:38,021 --> 00:01:39,301 About a year now, I'd say. 19 00:01:39,381 --> 00:01:42,101 Right. I mean, it says "dog waste" on it. 20 00:01:42,501 --> 00:01:43,981 Yeah, but my eyes are shot to shit. 21 00:01:44,061 --> 00:01:45,581 -Right. -[man] I'm blind as a bat. 22 00:01:45,661 --> 00:01:48,461 These aren't mine. I lost mine. I found these on a bus. 23 00:01:48,821 --> 00:01:49,781 -They're no good. -Right. 24 00:01:49,861 --> 00:01:51,981 Gotta be near the house, need a piss every ten minutes. 25 00:01:52,061 --> 00:01:53,701 I got a prostate like a coconut. 26 00:01:54,501 --> 00:01:57,581 This is the least of my worries, to be honest with you, with all that. 27 00:01:58,661 --> 00:02:00,141 Anyway, where was I? 28 00:02:00,541 --> 00:02:03,341 So... Right, my sister, yeah? She lives in Australia. 29 00:02:03,421 --> 00:02:04,861 I'm thinking, "Why's she ignoring me?" 30 00:02:04,941 --> 00:02:06,901 -You were writing to her, and she wasn't-- -Yeah. 31 00:02:06,981 --> 00:02:09,861 -But you were putting them in there? -Well, yeah. I'm not on email, see. 32 00:02:09,941 --> 00:02:12,821 I keep getting threatening letters from the gas and the electricity. 33 00:02:12,901 --> 00:02:15,381 I said, "Hey, I've paid," I said, "and I'll prove it to you." 34 00:02:15,461 --> 00:02:16,821 So, I sent them another letter. 35 00:02:16,901 --> 00:02:19,781 And I put it in here, with all my letters, in all that shit! 36 00:02:20,101 --> 00:02:22,701 What did you think the smell was? Wasn't that a clue? 37 00:02:23,101 --> 00:02:25,101 -I thought that was me. -You thought it was you? 38 00:02:25,181 --> 00:02:27,181 There's a similar smell in the house, to be honest. 39 00:02:27,261 --> 00:02:29,661 -I've got nobody to be hygienic for. -[Tony] No? 40 00:02:29,741 --> 00:02:32,181 Nah. No point, is there? No one to wash for. 41 00:02:33,461 --> 00:02:35,621 -Yourself, maybe? -No, no point, is there? 42 00:02:36,221 --> 00:02:39,861 No point to anything, is there, really? I don't know where they took the letters. 43 00:02:39,941 --> 00:02:42,421 Where do they take dog shit? They probably bury it, do they? 44 00:02:42,541 --> 00:02:44,541 That's where we're all gonna end up, though, innit? 45 00:02:44,981 --> 00:02:49,421 You know, we're all just future shit, you know? I've got no self-esteem, I have. 46 00:02:49,501 --> 00:02:51,181 No. 47 00:02:51,621 --> 00:02:53,621 That's why I never had a relationship. 48 00:02:53,701 --> 00:02:55,381 You've never had a relationship? 49 00:02:56,181 --> 00:02:57,821 'Cause I knew that if I did... 50 00:02:58,661 --> 00:03:01,461 that she's going to find somebody, see, better than me. 51 00:03:01,821 --> 00:03:05,621 Better than me, at that. And then leave me, wouldn't she? Eh? 52 00:03:10,501 --> 00:03:13,421 Right, come on, then. What's your angle on this? What's it gonna be? 53 00:03:13,501 --> 00:03:18,341 I don't think there is an angle. You've been posting your letters in a... 54 00:03:19,301 --> 00:03:23,061 a box of shit for a year. That is pretty much it. 55 00:03:23,141 --> 00:03:25,501 There's a moral to the story, though, ain't there? Gotta be. 56 00:03:25,581 --> 00:03:28,701 You know, be careful. Careful now where you post your letters. 57 00:03:30,341 --> 00:03:31,661 -Take a picture. -Yeah. 58 00:03:33,701 --> 00:03:35,421 -Hurry up. I need a piss. -[Lenny] All right. 59 00:03:35,501 --> 00:03:36,781 -Get on with it. -[shutter clicks] 60 00:03:36,861 --> 00:03:38,341 -Hang on. Got it? -Great. 61 00:03:38,421 --> 00:03:39,261 [man] All right. 62 00:03:41,861 --> 00:03:43,101 -There he goes. -Yep. 63 00:03:43,981 --> 00:03:45,541 -[Tony] That's depressing. -[Lenny] Yeah. 64 00:03:45,621 --> 00:03:49,021 [Tony] Imagine never having a relationship in case it ends. 65 00:03:50,101 --> 00:03:51,341 A relationship is life. 66 00:03:51,821 --> 00:03:52,741 Exactly. 67 00:03:55,501 --> 00:03:56,621 I've had a good life. 68 00:03:57,061 --> 00:04:00,381 -Well, it's still going! -No, I know. I know. 69 00:04:03,181 --> 00:04:05,741 Look, he's pissing where he stands. Like a dog. 70 00:04:07,261 --> 00:04:09,821 [Tony] That's the best he's felt all day, that piss. 71 00:04:11,541 --> 00:04:13,421 Right, I'm off to see my dad. 72 00:04:14,221 --> 00:04:15,421 Right. I'm just gonna... 73 00:04:15,501 --> 00:04:16,781 -See you later. -See ya. 74 00:04:19,821 --> 00:04:20,701 [shutter clicks] 75 00:04:22,141 --> 00:04:24,061 -Oh, hi. -Hi. 76 00:04:24,581 --> 00:04:26,381 -[nurse] You all right? -Yeah. Um... 77 00:04:27,021 --> 00:04:28,541 Is he OK? He seems a bit... 78 00:04:29,381 --> 00:04:31,901 -Yeah. Well, he's been a bit up and down. -[Tony grunts] 79 00:04:31,981 --> 00:04:33,621 Perky this morning, though, eh? 80 00:04:33,981 --> 00:04:35,061 Called Simon a cunt. 81 00:04:36,061 --> 00:04:36,901 Did he? 82 00:04:36,981 --> 00:04:39,181 [chuckles] Yeah, I thought you'd like that. 83 00:04:40,301 --> 00:04:41,301 That's my boy! 84 00:04:43,141 --> 00:04:45,101 Anyway, I'd better get on. I've got to-- 85 00:04:45,181 --> 00:04:48,141 Um, I'm going to that revue thing tonight, 86 00:04:48,221 --> 00:04:49,381 -if you wanna... -Oh! 87 00:04:49,461 --> 00:04:51,501 -I'm working, sorry. -Right. Yeah. 88 00:04:51,581 --> 00:04:52,781 Well, it's no big deal. 89 00:04:53,181 --> 00:04:56,261 If you want to chat, give me a call... or text. 90 00:04:56,821 --> 00:04:58,861 -[chuckles] OK. -All right. 91 00:04:59,381 --> 00:05:00,381 See you later. 92 00:05:06,421 --> 00:05:07,901 Do you want to lie down, Dad? 93 00:05:10,461 --> 00:05:12,381 -Yeah. -Yeah? Come on, then. 94 00:05:13,661 --> 00:05:15,061 [Tony's dad exhales heavily] 95 00:05:15,141 --> 00:05:16,301 -Come on. -Yeah. 96 00:05:16,861 --> 00:05:18,221 [Tony's dad groans lightly] 97 00:05:19,541 --> 00:05:22,941 And I know that nothing's... you know, certain or anything, but... 98 00:05:23,021 --> 00:05:25,581 Jill's gonna come with me to the revue. 99 00:05:25,661 --> 00:05:28,421 -What revue? -It's a local theater thing. 100 00:05:29,301 --> 00:05:30,141 Oh, yeah? 101 00:05:30,821 --> 00:05:33,501 Plenty of thespussy knocking about, then? 102 00:05:33,581 --> 00:05:34,661 No, I don't think so. 103 00:05:34,741 --> 00:05:36,221 It's... more like... 104 00:05:37,141 --> 00:05:39,701 um, local people doing some songs, and... 105 00:05:39,781 --> 00:05:42,021 I mean, there's one woman who does feminist poetry. 106 00:05:42,101 --> 00:05:43,341 [scoffs] Feminists! 107 00:05:43,421 --> 00:05:47,301 Lesbians make me laugh, you know. They use dildos and stuff, don't they? 108 00:05:47,781 --> 00:05:48,701 -Yeah? -Yeah. 109 00:05:48,781 --> 00:05:52,461 Sorry, do you like cock or don't you? You're confusing me here, darling. 110 00:05:52,541 --> 00:05:54,861 Make your fucking mind up. D'you know what I mean? 111 00:05:57,061 --> 00:05:58,061 Yeah! 112 00:05:58,141 --> 00:05:59,541 -Do you? -Yeah. No, it's... 113 00:06:00,061 --> 00:06:01,581 er... a good point. 114 00:06:02,181 --> 00:06:05,461 I actually had to... let down that chick at work. 115 00:06:05,981 --> 00:06:09,781 She was coming on a bit strong. I was like... "Nah. 116 00:06:11,061 --> 00:06:12,381 Back... Back off, baby." 117 00:06:12,461 --> 00:06:13,461 -Wise. -Yeah. 118 00:06:13,541 --> 00:06:16,981 -Don't shit on your own doorstep, brother. -That's what I thought, yeah. 119 00:06:18,181 --> 00:06:20,541 Anyway, she's in the bank if you need a nosh. 120 00:06:21,301 --> 00:06:22,661 [chuckles lightly] OK. 121 00:06:25,541 --> 00:06:27,621 -Fancy seeing you here. -[Anne laughs]  122 00:06:29,021 --> 00:06:31,541 -You OK? -Yeah. 123 00:06:32,021 --> 00:06:34,981 Still covering awful local stories that no one cares about, 124 00:06:35,541 --> 00:06:36,861 upsetting people I like, 125 00:06:37,301 --> 00:06:38,461 trying to keep my job, 126 00:06:39,061 --> 00:06:40,461 and not kill anyone. You? 127 00:06:40,981 --> 00:06:42,821 [laughs heartily] 128 00:06:44,141 --> 00:06:45,101 Ah... 129 00:06:45,701 --> 00:06:48,701 It's nice to hear you moan about work, and... 130 00:06:49,341 --> 00:06:51,741 relationships, just like a normal person. 131 00:06:53,541 --> 00:06:56,381 -Yeah, I suppose this is progress. -Mm. 132 00:06:57,101 --> 00:06:58,621 I should pay you for these chats. 133 00:06:58,701 --> 00:07:01,461 All that money I waste on the shrink, this is much better. 134 00:07:02,901 --> 00:07:05,141 Your friendship means more to me than money. 135 00:07:11,181 --> 00:07:12,181 Are you lonely? 136 00:07:15,061 --> 00:07:16,461 I only miss one person. 137 00:07:18,181 --> 00:07:20,661 Yep. Me too. 138 00:07:26,141 --> 00:07:27,181 -What? -Um... 139 00:07:28,741 --> 00:07:30,901 Do you want to go to the revue tonight? 140 00:07:34,021 --> 00:07:36,501 I don't think so. I don't get out much these days. 141 00:07:37,101 --> 00:07:39,261 It's hardly out. It's less out than this! 142 00:07:39,781 --> 00:07:42,581 And it's still just sitting down looking at something. 143 00:07:42,981 --> 00:07:43,981 It'll be funny. 144 00:07:45,101 --> 00:07:46,101 Come on. 145 00:07:48,421 --> 00:07:49,341 OK. 146 00:07:49,421 --> 00:07:50,861 -Yeah? -I'll pop in. 147 00:07:52,501 --> 00:07:53,341 Brilliant. 148 00:07:55,301 --> 00:07:58,341 [Paul] I'd very much like to thank you all for letting me share your day. 149 00:07:58,421 --> 00:08:01,901 Hi. Um... Would you like to go to the revue thing tonight? 150 00:08:02,461 --> 00:08:03,461 What is it? 151 00:08:03,541 --> 00:08:05,021 Awful, probably. 152 00:08:05,101 --> 00:08:07,701 But some of us are going down, and someone I... um... 153 00:08:07,781 --> 00:08:09,941 Just it might be fun. I thought you might... 154 00:08:10,501 --> 00:08:11,781 Uh, sure, yeah. Why not? 155 00:08:12,221 --> 00:08:14,981 Great. It's at the community hall at 7:30.  156 00:08:15,381 --> 00:08:18,101 But we'd get there early enough for a drink if you want, or just... 157 00:08:18,181 --> 00:08:20,661 Is there a dress code? Should I wear a suit or...? 158 00:08:20,741 --> 00:08:22,941 No. It's really not a posh do. [chuckles] 159 00:08:23,021 --> 00:08:25,221 What would you wear to visit a mental home? 160 00:08:25,301 --> 00:08:27,261 But... you know, look nice. 161 00:08:28,101 --> 00:08:29,141 -So-- -Look nice? 162 00:08:29,221 --> 00:08:31,301 I mean... groomed, whatever. 163 00:08:31,381 --> 00:08:32,221 Oh. 164 00:08:32,941 --> 00:08:33,821 OK. 165 00:08:33,901 --> 00:08:35,621 -Brilliant. -Well, I'll see you later. 166 00:08:36,821 --> 00:08:37,661 Good. 167 00:08:51,741 --> 00:08:53,341 -Look. -What are you doing? 168 00:08:53,421 --> 00:08:56,621 -[James] Just limbering up. -[Valerie] This is an office. 169 00:08:59,821 --> 00:09:02,141 -[June] Hiya. -Hi. 170 00:09:02,221 --> 00:09:03,821 -What you doing? -Just limbering up. 171 00:09:03,901 --> 00:09:06,141 Come on, you. Let's get you down that hall. 172 00:09:07,301 --> 00:09:08,861 If your dad could see you now. 173 00:09:09,181 --> 00:09:11,701 What happened? Is he dead? 174 00:09:11,781 --> 00:09:15,981 No, he walked out on us. James did his head in, didn't ya? 175 00:09:16,061 --> 00:09:18,141 -[James] I was a bit of a handful. -[June] Mm. 176 00:09:18,221 --> 00:09:20,581 Thought there was something wrong with him at first. 177 00:09:20,661 --> 00:09:22,221 He even had to see the school doctor. 178 00:09:22,301 --> 00:09:24,621 -Thought I was mad [chuckles]. -Or backward. 179 00:09:24,701 --> 00:09:27,461 [James] Yeah, I was terrible at everything at school. 180 00:09:27,541 --> 00:09:30,461 I was more interested in, like, entertaining people, you know? 181 00:09:30,861 --> 00:09:34,261 -And there wasn't anything wrong with you? -Oh, no. Not, like, mental or anything. 182 00:09:34,341 --> 00:09:36,341 Overweight and... hyperactive, but-- 183 00:09:36,421 --> 00:09:37,621 Just really annoying. 184 00:09:38,061 --> 00:09:40,461 Mm. His dad said, "It's either him or me. 185 00:09:40,541 --> 00:09:42,661 One of us has got to go for this to work." 186 00:09:42,741 --> 00:09:43,781 And you chose him? 187 00:09:43,861 --> 00:09:46,501 Oh, no. I chose his dad at first. But when we asked James to leave, 188 00:09:46,581 --> 00:09:48,781 he broke down, threatened to kill himself, didn't ya? 189 00:09:49,141 --> 00:09:49,981 Yeah. 190 00:09:55,901 --> 00:09:57,701 Found someone better now, anyway. 191 00:09:58,341 --> 00:09:59,341 [June giggles] 192 00:09:59,901 --> 00:10:01,621 Right, let's get going. 193 00:10:01,701 --> 00:10:04,421 Yeah. Lots to do. I'm starving as well. 194 00:10:04,501 --> 00:10:06,661 [June] No, don't be eating too much. You always do that: 195 00:10:06,741 --> 00:10:09,261 get excited, all churned up, and then you've got to dance around-- 196 00:10:09,341 --> 00:10:12,061 If you're getting food, um, I'll... I'll come with you. 197 00:10:12,421 --> 00:10:13,301 [sniggers] 198 00:10:14,421 --> 00:10:15,261 See ya. 199 00:10:15,621 --> 00:10:16,461 [Lenny] Wait! 200 00:10:17,861 --> 00:10:20,381 -Good. -[Kath] I'd better get off an' all. 201 00:10:21,501 --> 00:10:24,181 To, uh... get ready for tonight. 202 00:10:26,741 --> 00:10:27,901 Got a date. 203 00:10:32,381 --> 00:10:33,221 So... 204 00:10:34,861 --> 00:10:36,021 -See ya later. -Bye. 205 00:10:37,381 --> 00:10:38,381 [Sandy] Bye. 206 00:10:45,101 --> 00:10:46,621 Looking forward to tonight? 207 00:10:48,381 --> 00:10:49,541 It's work, isn't it? 208 00:10:50,701 --> 00:10:51,781 [Tony] Yeah, but... 209 00:10:53,061 --> 00:10:54,061 might be fun. 210 00:10:54,581 --> 00:10:55,781 [chuckles sadly] Yeah. 211 00:10:57,261 --> 00:10:59,581 We laugh at James for living with his mum, 212 00:10:59,661 --> 00:11:02,461 but he's ten years younger than me, I live with my mum. 213 00:11:03,461 --> 00:11:04,621 Everyone's got a date. 214 00:11:05,701 --> 00:11:06,701 I haven't. 215 00:11:08,461 --> 00:11:09,981 -Sorry. -No, I mean... 216 00:11:10,701 --> 00:11:13,341 you're not the only one. It's no big deal. 217 00:11:14,581 --> 00:11:15,621 There's no rush. 218 00:11:16,181 --> 00:11:17,501 Don't wallow. It's... 219 00:11:18,981 --> 00:11:20,221 You get addicted to it. 220 00:11:22,501 --> 00:11:23,661 I am, I think. 221 00:11:24,501 --> 00:11:25,501 Grief, I mean. 222 00:11:26,901 --> 00:11:30,341 I sort of know where I am with it. Do you know what I mean? I just... 223 00:11:31,861 --> 00:11:34,981 When summat goes well or I see a glimpse of hope, I get confused. 224 00:11:35,741 --> 00:11:39,381 And then when it all turns to shit, I go, "Oh, there it is. 225 00:11:40,901 --> 00:11:43,461 Now we can get drunk and wait for death." [chuckles] 226 00:11:45,341 --> 00:11:46,861 When you do find a fella, 227 00:11:49,261 --> 00:11:50,741 dance with him when he wants. 228 00:11:54,061 --> 00:11:56,461 I wish I'd danced with Lisa every time she asked. 229 00:11:56,781 --> 00:11:59,341 It was 'cause I was embarrassed sometimes or lazy. 230 00:12:00,701 --> 00:12:02,021 Oh, what I'd give for... 231 00:12:02,821 --> 00:12:04,461 just five minutes with her now. 232 00:12:05,981 --> 00:12:07,941 Just holding her. Just moving around. 233 00:12:10,181 --> 00:12:11,021 See? 234 00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:14,421 -Back to normal. Both crying again. -[Sandy chuckles] 235 00:12:14,981 --> 00:12:17,101 -Good work. -Yeah. [sighs] 236 00:12:19,541 --> 00:12:20,581 You'll be fine. 237 00:12:23,541 --> 00:12:25,421 -Really straight away. -You gonna go again? 238 00:12:25,501 --> 00:12:27,821 Well, I've hardly had any of this, but I'd normally-- 239 00:12:27,901 --> 00:12:30,021 Hiya. My date. 240 00:12:32,341 --> 00:12:33,341 Short notice. 241 00:12:33,621 --> 00:12:36,701 [chuckles] Businessman, though. Got a Rolls Royce, haven't ya? 242 00:12:36,781 --> 00:12:39,501 -Secondhand. -Still a Rolls Royce. Very successful. 243 00:12:39,581 --> 00:12:41,901 Yeah, I made a lot of money in scrap. 244 00:12:41,981 --> 00:12:43,061 Don't say scrap. 245 00:12:44,101 --> 00:12:46,101 -Let's go and see this. -Yeah, let's... 246 00:12:55,621 --> 00:12:58,061 -Oh! You're my postman. -[Pat] Yeah. 247 00:12:58,621 --> 00:12:59,981 -Are you the hoarder? -Yeah! 248 00:13:01,501 --> 00:13:04,101 -You're a prossie! I know you. -[both] Sex worker. 249 00:13:04,181 --> 00:13:06,621 Yeah, seen you at the garages. I couldn't afford that. 250 00:13:06,701 --> 00:13:08,821 -Not in a million years. -No. 251 00:13:08,901 --> 00:13:11,861 Have to make up my own fun. I've shoved my cock up my arse. 252 00:13:12,901 --> 00:13:15,741 -So, how does that work? -Ooh! Now he's interested! 253 00:13:16,461 --> 00:13:18,861 Trade secrets, innit? Nah, you're a mate. 254 00:13:18,941 --> 00:13:21,021 Basically, I cram it up there flaccid... 255 00:13:21,101 --> 00:13:22,901 and then I wait for it to get hard. 256 00:13:23,901 --> 00:13:25,821 It's the only way it can be done, if I'm honest. 257 00:13:25,901 --> 00:13:27,421 I think a bit too honest. 258 00:13:41,741 --> 00:13:42,821 [chuckles lightly] 259 00:14:00,301 --> 00:14:01,381 Thank you. 260 00:14:09,901 --> 00:14:10,741 Oh... 261 00:14:10,821 --> 00:14:11,941 -Hi. -Hello. 262 00:14:17,981 --> 00:14:19,101 There's one there. 263 00:14:28,901 --> 00:14:32,701 [Ken] Right, settle down, you lot. We're about to start. 264 00:14:32,781 --> 00:14:37,421 Now, please welcome a man who likes to get around. 265 00:14:37,501 --> 00:14:40,701 You could even say he's a bit of a wanderer. 266 00:14:40,781 --> 00:14:41,621 Here we go! 267 00:14:41,701 --> 00:14:46,021 ♪ Well, I'm the type of guy Who will never settle down ♪ 268 00:14:46,101 --> 00:14:46,981 Hello! 269 00:14:47,061 --> 00:14:51,061 ♪ Where pretty girls are You know that I'll be found ♪ 270 00:14:51,141 --> 00:14:54,501 ♪ I love 'em and I squeeze 'em 'Cause to me they're all the same ♪ 271 00:14:54,581 --> 00:14:55,741 You are! 272 00:14:55,821 --> 00:14:58,941 ♪ I kiss 'em and I hug 'em I don't even know their name ♪ 273 00:14:59,021 --> 00:15:00,741 ♪ They call me the wanderer ♪ 274 00:15:01,101 --> 00:15:02,941 ♪ Yeah, the wanderer ♪ 275 00:15:03,021 --> 00:15:06,261 ♪ I go around, around Around, around, around ♪ 276 00:15:07,741 --> 00:15:10,221 [Ken] Oh! Thank you for that. Right... 277 00:15:10,301 --> 00:15:13,421 Lord Mayor's here himself. Round of applause for t'Lord Mayor. 278 00:15:15,141 --> 00:15:17,461 Oi! When are you gonna sort out them bins? 279 00:15:17,541 --> 00:15:18,821 [audience laughs] 280 00:15:18,901 --> 00:15:20,501 My rubbish is piled high, 281 00:15:20,581 --> 00:15:23,181 and some of it is very, uh, suspicious, shall we say? 282 00:15:23,261 --> 00:15:26,141 [chortles] Hey, come on. I've seen what's in your garbage. 283 00:15:26,221 --> 00:15:27,421 [audience laughs] 284 00:15:27,501 --> 00:15:30,621 Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, or whatever you call yourselves. 285 00:15:30,701 --> 00:15:33,261 Gotta be careful nowadays, haven't you? Can't say anything. God! 286 00:15:33,341 --> 00:15:34,701 You know who I'm talking about, 287 00:15:34,781 --> 00:15:37,261 she works in the chip shop and she looks like Tony Soprano. 288 00:15:37,701 --> 00:15:38,821 No, good luck to her. 289 00:15:38,901 --> 00:15:41,661 Right, who's ready for A Night of 1000 Stars? 290 00:15:41,741 --> 00:15:44,061 -[audience] Yeah! -[Ken] Thousand stars, yeah. 291 00:15:44,501 --> 00:15:47,781 First act, we have got, uh... Elton John... 292 00:15:47,861 --> 00:15:49,941 -[audience] Ooh! -...and Kiki Dee! 293 00:15:50,621 --> 00:15:53,181 Not really, it's a mother and son duo. 294 00:15:53,261 --> 00:15:56,141 Er, which is a bit weird when you think about it, but don't worry. 295 00:15:56,221 --> 00:15:59,381 Anyway, please put your hands together, go mad, go crazy, 296 00:15:59,461 --> 00:16:03,021 -it's June and James! -[audience cheers, applauds] 297 00:16:03,981 --> 00:16:06,061 ["Don't Go Breaking My Heart" plays] 298 00:16:09,901 --> 00:16:11,661 ♪ Don't go breaking my heart ♪ 299 00:16:13,381 --> 00:16:16,061 ♪ I couldn't if I tried ♪ 300 00:16:17,501 --> 00:16:20,421 [James] ♪ Oh, honey, if I get restless ♪ 301 00:16:20,981 --> 00:16:23,581 ♪ Baby, you're not that kind ♪ 302 00:16:26,261 --> 00:16:27,621 [James] ♪ Ooh-ooh ♪ 303 00:16:28,501 --> 00:16:30,581 [both] ♪ Nobody knows it ♪ 304 00:16:33,301 --> 00:16:36,461 -♪ Right from the start ♪ -♪ I gave you my heart ♪ 305 00:16:36,941 --> 00:16:39,381 [June, tunelessly] ♪ Ooooh-oh... ♪ 306 00:16:39,461 --> 00:16:41,821 ♪ I gave you my heart ♪ 307 00:16:43,701 --> 00:16:45,741 [audience applauds] 308 00:16:45,821 --> 00:16:48,141 [Ken] Well, wasn't that fabulous? 309 00:16:48,221 --> 00:16:49,501 OK, ladies and gentlemen. 310 00:16:49,581 --> 00:16:52,901 Now, some of you might've been wondering what that awful smell was. 311 00:16:52,981 --> 00:16:55,821 No, that smell is not the drains, it's not the bins, 312 00:16:55,901 --> 00:16:58,181 -it is our next act! Uh... -[audience laughs] 313 00:16:58,261 --> 00:17:00,701 Bless him, he has got a serious hygiene problem. 314 00:17:00,781 --> 00:17:03,021 Now, he's doing a bit of stand-up comedy. 315 00:17:03,461 --> 00:17:04,341 [audience] Ooh! 316 00:17:04,421 --> 00:17:08,141 Which, as we all know, is very hard, and he is not very good at it! 317 00:17:08,221 --> 00:17:10,461 -[laughter] -So, fingers crossed for him, all right? 318 00:17:10,581 --> 00:17:13,821 Please welcome... Brian Gittins! 319 00:17:22,661 --> 00:17:25,301 [Brian] I'm not as professional as I'd like to be. 320 00:17:26,341 --> 00:17:28,821 If I ever were to make it big, 321 00:17:28,901 --> 00:17:32,221 there are a few things that might come out in the tabloids about me 322 00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:33,781 that I feel like I need to... 323 00:17:35,101 --> 00:17:36,901 nip in the bud immediately. 324 00:17:42,141 --> 00:17:43,421 I've given one blow job. 325 00:17:43,861 --> 00:17:46,381 [gasping, scattered chuckling in audience] 326 00:17:47,741 --> 00:17:50,381 -That's a... He's a hairdresser. -[Brian] One blowie. 327 00:17:50,701 --> 00:17:53,501 The assistant manager of Tambury Football Club. 328 00:17:54,621 --> 00:17:56,101 -Yeah, Mark Dobson. -[man 1] What? 329 00:17:56,661 --> 00:17:59,581 [Brian] I promise you, that is never going to happen again. 330 00:17:59,901 --> 00:18:01,581 OK? I was at my lowest ebb. 331 00:18:03,061 --> 00:18:05,421 My wife had just left me for Mickey the Gypsy. 332 00:18:06,981 --> 00:18:10,141 Do you know Mickey the Gypsy? No? Good. 333 00:18:10,221 --> 00:18:11,221 Stay away from him. 334 00:18:11,781 --> 00:18:13,981 'Cause he'll smash your face in as quick as look at ya! 335 00:18:14,621 --> 00:18:16,021 Yeah. OK? Yeah. 336 00:18:20,421 --> 00:18:21,741 Right, who wants some jokes? 337 00:18:21,821 --> 00:18:24,941 -[man 2] Yeah, please. -Just remember there are children here. 338 00:18:25,021 --> 00:18:26,981 Hello, son. What's your name? 339 00:18:27,061 --> 00:18:28,461 -[George] George. -George? 340 00:18:28,981 --> 00:18:30,301 Huh, nice name, George. 341 00:18:30,381 --> 00:18:32,181 -How old are you? -Nine. 342 00:18:32,261 --> 00:18:35,901 I've got a little joke for you, lad. What's worse than ants in your pants? 343 00:18:35,981 --> 00:18:37,141 [George] I don't know. 344 00:18:37,461 --> 00:18:38,701 Michael Jackson. 345 00:18:38,781 --> 00:18:39,981 [shocked gasps] 346 00:18:40,381 --> 00:18:43,341 Wouldn't want him rummaging round in your underwear, would you? 347 00:18:44,261 --> 00:18:45,301 Knock knock. 348 00:18:45,381 --> 00:18:46,381 Who's there? 349 00:18:46,461 --> 00:18:47,621 My ex-wife. 350 00:18:48,181 --> 00:18:49,701 Go fuck yourself, 351 00:18:49,781 --> 00:18:51,901 -you dirty, manky whore. -[faux coughing] 352 00:18:54,181 --> 00:18:55,701 Yeah. I'll leave it there. 353 00:18:56,901 --> 00:18:59,621 I'm not really in the right headspace or the... 354 00:19:00,101 --> 00:19:02,861 Well, thanks for listening. And the, uh... 355 00:19:03,461 --> 00:19:05,141 [scattered applause] 356 00:19:07,261 --> 00:19:09,181 Bloody hell, what was that? 357 00:19:09,261 --> 00:19:13,901 Oh, my God, absolutely disgusting. Blow jobs in front of the mayor. 358 00:19:14,341 --> 00:19:15,621 Absolutely vile. 359 00:19:15,701 --> 00:19:18,501 Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen. I'm sorry, Mr. Mayor. 360 00:19:19,341 --> 00:19:21,661 -Get them bins sorted! -[scattered chuckling] 361 00:19:21,741 --> 00:19:24,061 -Hey? There we go. Now we're back. -[applause] 362 00:19:24,141 --> 00:19:25,021 All right. 363 00:19:25,101 --> 00:19:27,021 You're not going to be there while I'm on. 364 00:19:27,101 --> 00:19:29,021 -Yeah. -Now, let's have a little bit of poetry. 365 00:19:29,101 --> 00:19:30,621 -Who loves poetry? -[audience] Yeah! 366 00:19:30,701 --> 00:19:34,061 -No, you're fucking not. -Please welcome the wonderful Rebecca! 367 00:19:34,141 --> 00:19:36,141 [audience applauds] 368 00:19:36,541 --> 00:19:37,661 [Rebecca] I'm Rebecca. 369 00:19:37,741 --> 00:19:40,661 I will be performing some of my poetry for you tonight. 370 00:19:41,221 --> 00:19:42,261 Enjoy. 371 00:19:42,341 --> 00:19:45,221 -[groans] I feel sick. -Come on, you'll be all right. 372 00:19:45,301 --> 00:19:46,661 God is a woman 373 00:19:47,101 --> 00:19:49,141 Her kingdom is life 374 00:19:49,221 --> 00:19:53,821 She is nature, nurture, warrior, wife 375 00:19:54,261 --> 00:19:56,461 She grew you inside her 376 00:19:56,541 --> 00:19:58,821 Alone, selfless 377 00:19:58,901 --> 00:20:02,381 She gave her body so you could live 378 00:20:02,821 --> 00:20:04,781 Almighty creator 379 00:20:04,861 --> 00:20:08,261 Instigator of every single soul 380 00:20:08,781 --> 00:20:11,501 In a single cell waiting 381 00:20:12,301 --> 00:20:14,141 For her Big Bang 382 00:20:14,821 --> 00:20:16,261 -[James farts] -[Rebecca] Oh! 383 00:20:16,341 --> 00:20:17,901 You dumpy little cunt! 384 00:20:17,981 --> 00:20:20,461 -Did you just fart? -[June] Don't talk to him like that. 385 00:20:20,541 --> 00:20:23,541 I've told him never to hold it in if he needs to pump, it's bad for him. 386 00:20:23,621 --> 00:20:24,981 -He just farted! -[James] Rude. 387 00:20:25,061 --> 00:20:28,381 [Rebecca] He just... I told you not to stand there! Oh, my God! 388 00:20:28,461 --> 00:20:31,141 -Oh, it fucking stinks up here! -She's coming off. 389 00:20:31,221 --> 00:20:32,781 Get out there, you have to take over. 390 00:20:32,861 --> 00:20:34,701 -Come on, do your dance. -Go on, James. 391 00:20:35,621 --> 00:20:38,501 -[Ken] Give us a show! -[applause] 392 00:20:38,581 --> 00:20:40,541 Oh... I think he's followed through! 393 00:20:40,621 --> 00:20:42,381 Oh, fuckin' hell! 394 00:20:42,901 --> 00:20:44,901 ["Send in the Clowns" plays] 395 00:21:28,741 --> 00:21:29,981 [phone dialing out] 396 00:21:33,581 --> 00:21:34,421 Hi. 397 00:21:34,981 --> 00:21:35,941 How's it going? 398 00:21:37,341 --> 00:21:38,301 Tony... 399 00:21:39,421 --> 00:21:41,381 I'm sorry, your dad's passed away. 400 00:21:44,981 --> 00:21:45,821 OK. 401 00:21:47,541 --> 00:21:48,461 Um... 402 00:21:50,301 --> 00:21:51,541 Uh, I'll come over. 403 00:21:52,501 --> 00:21:53,421 OK. 404 00:21:54,381 --> 00:21:55,381 OK, bye. 405 00:21:59,701 --> 00:22:01,461 [sighs heavily] 406 00:22:02,781 --> 00:22:04,781 ["Send in the Clowns" continues playing] 407 00:22:16,381 --> 00:22:17,541 -Hey. -Hi. 408 00:22:19,781 --> 00:22:21,261 I'm so sorry. 409 00:22:22,221 --> 00:22:24,381 -Was it just in his sleep? -Yeah, he just... 410 00:22:24,941 --> 00:22:26,141 just stopped breathing. 411 00:22:29,101 --> 00:22:32,781 Um... I won't call Matt tonight, I'll tell him tomorrow, and I'll, uh... 412 00:22:33,141 --> 00:22:35,941 -Will you do all the...? -Oh, yeah. We'll take care of all that. 413 00:22:36,021 --> 00:22:38,581 -I just need his birth certificate and... -OK. 414 00:22:38,661 --> 00:22:40,101 ...a couple of other bits and pieces. 415 00:22:43,421 --> 00:22:44,461 He was a good man. 416 00:22:46,221 --> 00:22:47,501 [sighs] He was... 417 00:22:49,781 --> 00:22:51,541 -He was kind, weren't he? -Yeah. 418 00:22:52,461 --> 00:22:53,661 And gentle, he, um... 419 00:22:54,541 --> 00:22:56,581 He never hit me, he never smacked me... 420 00:22:57,341 --> 00:22:58,341 as a kid, 421 00:22:58,421 --> 00:23:01,181 however... naughty I was. 422 00:23:01,781 --> 00:23:03,981 Mum would go, "Wait till your dad gets home." 423 00:23:04,381 --> 00:23:05,581 And he'd come in, 424 00:23:06,101 --> 00:23:08,421 all smiles, and he'd go, "Hello, boy!" 425 00:23:09,181 --> 00:23:10,701 And she'd go, "He's been bad." 426 00:23:11,341 --> 00:23:12,661 And he'd go, "Oh... 427 00:23:14,061 --> 00:23:15,621 I'm disappointed in you, son." 428 00:23:16,341 --> 00:23:17,581 Oh, that would kill me. 429 00:23:18,421 --> 00:23:20,461 Other kids would say their dad had belted them. 430 00:23:20,541 --> 00:23:24,221 And I'd think, "That's nothing to him saying he was disappointed." 431 00:23:24,301 --> 00:23:25,421 I never wanted to... 432 00:23:27,101 --> 00:23:28,141 disappoint him. 433 00:23:29,501 --> 00:23:30,501 I never upset him 434 00:23:30,581 --> 00:23:33,261 -when I was sitting here grumpy, did I? -No! God. 435 00:23:33,341 --> 00:23:35,261 -He loved you being here. -[sighs] 436 00:23:36,621 --> 00:23:39,221 It's just I had a lot on my mind. I still have. I... 437 00:23:39,741 --> 00:23:42,101 I'd hate to think that I was upsetting him or... 438 00:23:42,781 --> 00:23:47,221 Do you know, there are some people here that get a visit maybe... once a week. 439 00:23:49,141 --> 00:23:53,461 I don't think I've ever known a son visit his dad every day without fail. 440 00:23:55,221 --> 00:23:56,981 Even when he was in pain himself. 441 00:24:02,301 --> 00:24:05,581 I thought you thought I didn't care, but I did. I always did. 442 00:24:05,661 --> 00:24:07,541 [chuckles] I never thought that. 443 00:24:09,301 --> 00:24:12,341 Just gave you a bit of a hard time now and again. [chuckles] 444 00:24:14,061 --> 00:24:15,341 I probably deserved it. 445 00:24:16,101 --> 00:24:17,101 You never did. 446 00:24:20,661 --> 00:24:24,541 Just... I had to get your attention somehow, though, didn't I? [giggles] 447 00:24:24,941 --> 00:24:25,901 And it worked. 448 00:24:25,981 --> 00:24:27,941 Well... a bit. 449 00:24:29,821 --> 00:24:30,901 No, it didn't. 450 00:24:31,981 --> 00:24:33,501 You already had my attention. 451 00:24:35,421 --> 00:24:38,021 From the first second... I set eyes on you. 452 00:24:41,381 --> 00:24:42,301 But, you know... 453 00:24:45,941 --> 00:24:47,301 Yeah. [chuckles sadly] 454 00:24:50,101 --> 00:24:51,301 Um... Do... 455 00:24:52,141 --> 00:24:54,741 Do you want to maybe just sit with him for a wee while? 456 00:24:54,821 --> 00:24:55,661 Yeah. 457 00:24:56,021 --> 00:24:57,021 No, and you. 458 00:24:57,861 --> 00:24:59,861 [mournful piano music plays] 459 00:25:26,581 --> 00:25:27,861 [Brandy pants] 460 00:25:30,301 --> 00:25:31,141 For me? 461 00:25:31,901 --> 00:25:32,901 [whines] 462 00:25:34,661 --> 00:25:35,501 Thank you. 463 00:25:36,181 --> 00:25:37,421 You're such a good girl! 464 00:25:38,021 --> 00:25:40,021 [gentle instrumental music plays] 465 00:25:47,941 --> 00:25:50,501 [Lisa] What, you're just gonna play cards and get drunk all night? 466 00:25:51,701 --> 00:25:54,261 -Yep. -[Lisa] Well, what am I supposed to do? 467 00:25:54,341 --> 00:25:56,141 -You know what you're supposed to do... -What? 468 00:25:56,221 --> 00:25:58,301 Go out and make us all a cheese sandwich 469 00:25:58,381 --> 00:26:00,941 -with some crisps. -[Lisa] Oh, right. Careful. 470 00:26:01,021 --> 00:26:02,021 [Lisa and Tony laugh] 471 00:26:02,101 --> 00:26:04,101 -[Lisa] Very funny! -[Dad] What d'you think, Brandy? 472 00:26:04,181 --> 00:26:07,701 Shall I throw away the five... or the three? What do you think? 473 00:26:07,781 --> 00:26:10,501 -[Lisa] Oh, look! -Yeah, I'll throw away the three. 474 00:26:10,581 --> 00:26:13,141 -She loves it there, look. -There we go, yeah. All right. 475 00:26:13,221 --> 00:26:15,341 -What do you think? -[Lisa] Look, she's bored! 476 00:26:15,421 --> 00:26:16,781 She's as bored as me! 477 00:26:17,141 --> 00:26:18,581 [Lisa and Dad laugh] 478 00:26:18,661 --> 00:26:19,981 [Lisa] She loves you, Ray. 479 00:26:20,061 --> 00:26:22,101 -[Ray laughs] -[Lisa chuckles] 480 00:26:23,501 --> 00:26:26,381 -[Ray laughs raucously] -[Lisa] Aww! 481 00:26:26,941 --> 00:26:29,741 ["And So It Goes" plays] ♪ In every heart ♪ 482 00:26:29,821 --> 00:26:32,501 ♪ There is a room ♪ 483 00:26:33,541 --> 00:26:38,261 ♪ A sanctuary safe and strong ♪ 484 00:26:39,101 --> 00:26:42,261 ♪ To heal the wounds ♪ 485 00:26:42,981 --> 00:26:45,861 ♪ From lovers past ♪ 486 00:26:46,381 --> 00:26:51,301 ♪ Until a new one comes along ♪ 487 00:26:52,301 --> 00:26:58,781 ♪ I spoke to you in cautious tones ♪ 488 00:26:59,381 --> 00:27:03,861 ♪ You answered me with no pretense ♪ 489 00:27:04,621 --> 00:27:10,301 ♪ And still I feel I said too much ♪ 490 00:27:11,181 --> 00:27:16,341 ♪ My silence is my self-defense ♪ 491 00:27:16,781 --> 00:27:19,501 ♪ And so it goes ♪ 492 00:27:20,341 --> 00:27:23,701 ♪ And you're the only one ♪ 493 00:27:24,421 --> 00:27:26,461 ♪ Who knows ♪ 35728

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