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00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
-== [ www.OpenSubtitles.org ] ==-
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00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:11,504
Bum buttery, flit fluttery
Dum diddly-ooh
3
00:01:11,704 --> 00:01:15,037
Bum buttery, bluebird
Is singing a tune
4
00:01:15,241 --> 00:01:18,574
Daffy-down-dillies awaken
And prune
5
00:01:18,778 --> 00:01:21,679
Bursting in bloom
All the flowers assume
6
00:01:21,881 --> 00:01:25,942
It's a loverly, loverly spring
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00:01:33,126 --> 00:01:36,687
Chit-chattery chipmunks
All singing along
8
00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:40,024
Humming their
Join-in-a-spring-along song
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00:01:40,233 --> 00:01:43,031
Spring is the springiest time
For a song
10
00:01:43,236 --> 00:01:46,535
It's a loverly, loverly spring
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00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:50,903
In the forest we play
With the rabbits all day--
12
00:01:51,177 --> 00:01:55,170
I'm sorry to say that this is not
the movie you will be watching.
13
00:01:55,615 --> 00:02:00,052
The movie you are about to see
is extremely unpleasant.
14
00:02:00,286 --> 00:02:02,811
If you wish to see a film
about a happy little elf,
15
00:02:03,056 --> 00:02:06,321
I'm sure there is still plenty
of seating in theater number two.
16
00:02:06,526 --> 00:02:09,188
However, if you like stories
about clever
17
00:02:09,395 --> 00:02:11,590
and reasonably attractive orphans,
18
00:02:11,865 --> 00:02:15,323
suspicious fires,
carnivorous leeches,
19
00:02:15,535 --> 00:02:18,527
Italian food
and secret organizations,
20
00:02:18,771 --> 00:02:20,261
then stay
21
00:02:20,540 --> 00:02:22,667
as I retrace each and every one
22
00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:25,845
of the Baudelaire children 's
woeful steps.
23
00:02:26,779 --> 00:02:29,509
My name is Lemony Snicket,
24
00:02:29,716 --> 00:02:32,913
and it is my sad duty
to document this tale.
25
00:02:34,387 --> 00:02:36,184
Violet Baudelaire, the eldest,
26
00:02:36,389 --> 00:02:40,416
was one of the finest 1 4-year-old
inventors in the world.
27
00:02:40,727 --> 00:02:43,628
Anyone who knew Violet well could
tell she was inventing something
28
00:02:43,897 --> 00:02:46,866
when her long hair was tied up
in a ribbon.
29
00:02:47,734 --> 00:02:51,534
In a world of abandoned items
and discarded materials,
30
00:02:51,771 --> 00:02:54,763
Violet knew there
was always something.
31
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:57,336
Something she could fashion
into nearly any device
32
00:02:57,544 --> 00:02:59,910
for nearly every occasion.
33
00:03:00,580 --> 00:03:03,913
And no one was better
to test her inventions
34
00:03:04,717 --> 00:03:05,877
than her brother.
35
00:03:07,420 --> 00:03:12,119
Klaus Baudelaire, the middle child,
loved books.
36
00:03:12,358 --> 00:03:15,020
Or, rather, the things he learned
from books.
37
00:03:15,328 --> 00:03:18,786
The Baudelaire parents had
an enormous library in their mansion.
38
00:03:19,098 --> 00:03:23,467
A room filled with thousands
of books on nearly every subject.
39
00:03:23,770 --> 00:03:25,499
And nothing pleased Klaus more
40
00:03:25,772 --> 00:03:30,471
than spending an afternoon filling up
his head with their contents.
41
00:03:30,777 --> 00:03:33,371
And everything he read
he remembered.
42
00:03:40,787 --> 00:03:45,053
Sunny, the youngest,
had a different interest.
43
00:03:45,258 --> 00:03:49,251
She liked to bite things
and had four sharp teeth.
44
00:03:50,330 --> 00:03:53,561
There was very little that Sunny
did not enjoy biting.
45
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:06,075
Sunny was at an age when one
mostly speaks
46
00:04:06,279 --> 00:04:08,804
in a series of unintelligible shrieks.
47
00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:10,549
For instance:
48
00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:12,381
Which probably meant,
49
00:04:13,019 --> 00:04:16,318
"Look at that mysterious figure
emerging from the fog. "
50
00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:18,652
Or perhaps,
51
00:04:18,858 --> 00:04:20,985
"What is a banker like Mr. Poe doing
52
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:25,163
trudging thorough the sand
to find us at Briny Beach?"
53
00:04:29,035 --> 00:04:30,434
Children,
54
00:04:30,637 --> 00:04:35,506
I'm afraid I must inform you
of an extremely unfortunate event.
55
00:04:36,576 --> 00:04:40,137
I'm very, very sorry to tell you this,
but your parents have perished in a fire
56
00:04:40,346 --> 00:04:42,337
that's destroyed your entire home.
57
00:04:43,316 --> 00:04:46,012
If you have ever lost someone
very important to you,
58
00:04:46,319 --> 00:04:48,514
then you already know how it feels.
59
00:04:48,721 --> 00:04:50,052
And if you haven't,
60
00:04:50,390 --> 00:04:52,688
you cannot possibly imagine it.
61
00:05:02,168 --> 00:05:05,569
No one knows the precise cause
of the Baudelaire fire.
62
00:05:05,838 --> 00:05:08,466
My colleagues and I
have investigated the best we can.
63
00:05:08,675 --> 00:05:10,438
But all we've discovered
is that the blaze
64
00:05:10,643 --> 00:05:12,702
was started from a great distance
65
00:05:13,012 --> 00:05:15,879
through the refraction
and convergence of light.
66
00:05:16,182 --> 00:05:20,312
And within moments,
the entire mansion was in flames.
67
00:05:48,681 --> 00:05:51,411
And as mysterious as the source
of the blaze,
68
00:05:51,617 --> 00:05:55,485
other mysteries began to unfold
before the children 's eyes.
69
00:05:56,055 --> 00:06:00,151
Every family has its secrets,
doors left unopened.
70
00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:02,357
But as Klaus now realized,
71
00:06:02,562 --> 00:06:06,589
the smallest discovery would send
his mind reeling with questions.
72
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:10,135
What was this spyglass hidden
in his father's desk?
73
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:14,329
Were there other secrets about their
parents' lives yet to be revealed?
74
00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:17,438
Questions he now feared
might never be answered.
75
00:06:18,644 --> 00:06:20,271
And just like that,
76
00:06:20,646 --> 00:06:24,605
the Baudelaire children
became the Baudelaire orphans.
77
00:06:26,252 --> 00:06:28,152
I tried to warn you.
78
00:06:37,864 --> 00:06:40,628
This is an excellent opportunity
to walk out of the theater,
79
00:06:40,833 --> 00:06:44,200
Iiving room or airplane
where this film is being shown.
80
00:06:45,538 --> 00:06:48,905
It's not too late to see a film
about a happy little elf.
81
00:06:49,909 --> 00:06:52,969
Y es. Come with me.
82
00:06:55,014 --> 00:06:58,313
Now, as chief officer
of Mulctuary Management
83
00:06:58,518 --> 00:07:00,315
and the executor of
your parents' estate,
84
00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:03,978
it is my legal obligation to take care
of your money till you come of age
85
00:07:04,190 --> 00:07:07,159
and to place you in the care
of your closest relative.
86
00:07:07,393 --> 00:07:10,157
So I'm taking you to live
with your dear Count Olaf,
87
00:07:10,396 --> 00:07:13,729
who resides right here in the city,
just 37 blocks away.
88
00:07:14,033 --> 00:07:16,501
I don't think that's what "closest"
is supposed to mean.
89
00:07:16,702 --> 00:07:18,363
We don't know a Count Olaf.
90
00:07:18,571 --> 00:07:19,868
Yes, yes, of course you do.
91
00:07:20,072 --> 00:07:21,835
He's either your third cousin
four times removed
92
00:07:22,041 --> 00:07:23,565
or your fourth cousin
three times removed.
93
00:07:25,711 --> 00:07:28,839
And he's an actor by trade.
Isn't that exciting, children?
94
00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:33,244
You should count yourselves
lucky, children.
95
00:07:33,553 --> 00:07:36,784
This sort of generosity is rare
in a person of his profession.
96
00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:44,062
Here we are, your new home.
97
00:07:44,997 --> 00:07:47,022
Isn't it lovely, children?
98
00:07:49,068 --> 00:07:50,365
Oh, hello.
99
00:07:51,137 --> 00:07:52,764
You must be the Baudelaires.
100
00:07:52,972 --> 00:07:54,200
Hi.
101
00:07:54,407 --> 00:07:56,534
I was so sorry to hear
about the accident,
102
00:07:56,742 --> 00:07:59,040
but so happy to hear
you were coming here.
103
00:07:59,278 --> 00:08:01,542
Welcome. I'm Justice Strauss
of the city high court.
104
00:08:01,747 --> 00:08:05,376
I'm Violet. And this is my brother,
Klaus, and my sister, Sunny.
105
00:08:05,618 --> 00:08:07,745
Poe, Mulctuary Management.
How do you do?
106
00:08:07,954 --> 00:08:08,921
Lovely.
107
00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:11,222
Your house is so beautiful.
108
00:08:11,457 --> 00:08:12,549
Thank you.
109
00:08:12,758 --> 00:08:15,818
Please don't be strangers.
You come visit me anytime you like.
110
00:08:17,597 --> 00:08:18,962
- Visit?
- You mean,
111
00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:20,462
you don't live with Count Olaf?
112
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,468
Live with--? With Count Olaf? No.
113
00:08:23,769 --> 00:08:27,466
No, no, no, no. He's--
He's my neighbor.
114
00:09:16,989 --> 00:09:19,014
Entrood.
115
00:09:28,334 --> 00:09:30,393
Haven't got all day. In you go.
116
00:09:34,340 --> 00:09:39,505
Well, hello, hello, hello.
117
00:09:39,712 --> 00:09:43,978
I am your beloved Count Olaf.
118
00:09:45,284 --> 00:09:49,653
And welcome to my loverly home.
119
00:09:49,922 --> 00:09:54,586
May you find solace within
the womblike warmth of its...
120
00:09:56,195 --> 00:09:57,890
...downy plume.
121
00:09:58,531 --> 00:10:02,695
Or as the Greeks
in the ancient times would say:
122
00:10:03,102 --> 00:10:04,592
Orphanis...
123
00:10:04,904 --> 00:10:06,929
...encribo...
124
00:10:07,373 --> 00:10:08,772
...something, something, something.
125
00:10:09,041 --> 00:10:14,604
Music builds to a crescendo
Ending on the right foot
126
00:10:14,814 --> 00:10:16,679
And strike a Fosse.
127
00:10:18,784 --> 00:10:23,050
Not exactly what I was going for,
but you get the idea.
128
00:10:32,565 --> 00:10:35,193
My dear...
129
00:10:37,970 --> 00:10:39,403
...Violet.
130
00:10:39,805 --> 00:10:41,636
Enchante.
131
00:10:45,177 --> 00:10:46,769
How do you do?
132
00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:49,941
And this must be Klaus.
133
00:10:50,149 --> 00:10:53,209
Young Klaus.
134
00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:56,622
Your left side is the good one.
135
00:10:58,591 --> 00:11:00,388
And...
136
00:11:01,761 --> 00:11:03,626
...what is this?
137
00:11:06,298 --> 00:11:09,597
I'm sorry, I don't speak monkey.
138
00:11:10,169 --> 00:11:11,227
Banana.
139
00:11:13,472 --> 00:11:14,996
Sunny's our sister.
140
00:11:15,775 --> 00:11:20,109
I must say, you're a gloomy-looking
bunch. Why so glum?
141
00:11:21,313 --> 00:11:23,144
Our parents just died.
142
00:11:23,382 --> 00:11:27,148
Oh, yes, of course.
How very, very awful.
143
00:11:27,553 --> 00:11:29,851
Wait, let me do that one more time.
144
00:11:30,122 --> 00:11:33,148
Give me the line again.
Quickly, while it's fresh in my mind.
145
00:11:33,559 --> 00:11:35,754
Our parents just...
146
00:11:36,195 --> 00:11:37,162
...died?
147
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:40,863
Oh, yes.
148
00:11:44,136 --> 00:11:45,865
Mr. Poe...
149
00:11:47,740 --> 00:11:50,265
...I will raise these orphans
150
00:11:50,509 --> 00:11:53,967
as if they were actually wanted.
151
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:57,774
And though you would call it
a burden, a sacrifice,
152
00:11:57,983 --> 00:11:59,951
you are mistaken, sir.
153
00:12:00,219 --> 00:12:02,119
And should be ashamed of yourself.
154
00:12:02,321 --> 00:12:03,788
The idea.
155
00:12:07,893 --> 00:12:11,021
Anyway, where do I sign
for the fortu--? I mean...
156
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:12,826
...children.
157
00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:18,367
You won't officially have guardianship
until the hearing on Thursday morning.
158
00:12:18,637 --> 00:12:21,470
And what am I to do with them
until then?
159
00:12:21,841 --> 00:12:22,808
Excuse me?
160
00:12:23,709 --> 00:12:24,801
What I mean is...
161
00:12:25,010 --> 00:12:28,468
Do you work out? You look good.
Healthy, I mean.
162
00:12:29,615 --> 00:12:32,083
Well, I'd better get back to the bank.
163
00:12:32,284 --> 00:12:35,481
Can't you stay for a brief imbibement?
164
00:12:35,688 --> 00:12:38,156
A glass of port? Sanka?
165
00:12:38,357 --> 00:12:40,257
- Well, I suppose I could--
- Another time, then.
166
00:12:40,526 --> 00:12:42,221
Children, if you need anything,
do feel free--
167
00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:43,986
Oh, no, we're fine. We're all fine.
168
00:12:44,196 --> 00:12:45,663
Any questions be--
169
00:12:50,369 --> 00:12:52,837
I realize that my humble abode
170
00:12:53,038 --> 00:12:56,371
isn't as fancy
as the Baudelaire mansion,
171
00:12:56,709 --> 00:12:59,837
but I'm coming into a great deal
of money soon,
172
00:13:00,079 --> 00:13:01,944
and I think it'll be
173
00:13:02,581 --> 00:13:05,049
quite charming when it's finished.
174
00:13:07,887 --> 00:13:09,946
Shall we take a look?
175
00:13:11,557 --> 00:13:14,025
This is the living room.
176
00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:17,389
The kitchen.
I know what you're thinking:
177
00:13:17,730 --> 00:13:20,028
"This place could use a little TLC."
178
00:13:20,266 --> 00:13:24,703
I trust you've had your tetanus shots.
Polio. Smallpox. Typhoid. Malaria.
179
00:13:24,904 --> 00:13:27,099
This is the entertainment
or rumpus room.
180
00:13:27,406 --> 00:13:29,806
I'm told the ceiling can be brought
up to code in no time.
181
00:13:30,009 --> 00:13:32,068
You're not afraid of heights, are you?
182
00:13:32,611 --> 00:13:35,739
Imagine that.
A monkey afraid of heights.
183
00:13:36,315 --> 00:13:38,806
My theater.
184
00:13:39,018 --> 00:13:40,713
This way.
185
00:13:42,855 --> 00:13:44,482
What's that up there?
186
00:13:49,595 --> 00:13:51,062
The tower...
187
00:13:53,032 --> 00:13:55,330
...which you are never to enter...
188
00:13:57,636 --> 00:14:00,503
...under any circumstances.
189
00:14:08,380 --> 00:14:11,076
And this is where you'll sleep,
time permitting. Nighty-night.
190
00:14:11,283 --> 00:14:13,979
- But the sun's still up.
- "But the sun's still up."
191
00:14:14,386 --> 00:14:16,115
I don't know
if you've ever noticed this,
192
00:14:16,355 --> 00:14:19,916
but first impressions
are often entirely wrong.
193
00:14:20,626 --> 00:14:25,120
For instance, Klaus, when Sunny
was born, didn't like her at all.
194
00:14:25,731 --> 00:14:29,599
But by the time she was six weeks old,
the two of them were thick as thieves.
195
00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:35,171
A phrase which here means,
"fetching and biting for hours on end. "
196
00:14:35,541 --> 00:14:37,168
In the case of Count Olaf, however...
197
00:14:37,476 --> 00:14:40,104
Orphans!
198
00:14:40,546 --> 00:14:42,104
... they were correct.
199
00:14:43,015 --> 00:14:45,813
Every morning, Count Olaf
would order the Baudelaires
200
00:14:46,018 --> 00:14:48,816
to do a great number
of terrible chores.
201
00:14:49,021 --> 00:14:52,980
After which he would stalk off
to his mysterious tower room.
202
00:15:00,866 --> 00:15:04,097
And as unfortunate
as their situation seemed,
203
00:15:04,803 --> 00:15:06,168
it was only about to get worse.
204
00:15:06,372 --> 00:15:07,999
--tub full of ice in Baja,
205
00:15:08,207 --> 00:15:10,869
and I realized that these clever girls
had stolen my kidney.
206
00:15:11,076 --> 00:15:12,509
- No!
- No!
207
00:15:12,711 --> 00:15:15,612
Imagine my surprise.
208
00:15:16,882 --> 00:15:19,851
Orphans, this is my acting troupe.
209
00:15:20,085 --> 00:15:22,110
Acting troupe, orphans.
210
00:15:22,388 --> 00:15:23,719
They don't look rich.
211
00:15:25,391 --> 00:15:27,552
Ugly little people.
212
00:15:32,298 --> 00:15:35,199
Why aren't you children in the kitchen
preparing our dinner?
213
00:15:35,801 --> 00:15:36,859
Dinner?
214
00:15:37,102 --> 00:15:39,593
It's the French word
for the evening meal.
215
00:15:43,575 --> 00:15:46,066
On the back. Flip it.
216
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:50,882
We'll take it in the dining room
at 8:00.
217
00:15:51,083 --> 00:15:53,551
And we'll expect absolute silence
while we're rehearsing our play.
218
00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:56,778
- But we've never made dinner before.
- It's already 7:30.
219
00:15:56,989 --> 00:15:57,956
Eight o'clock!
220
00:16:16,842 --> 00:16:18,605
Pasta it is.
221
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:22,577
Okay. Let's start casting this puppy.
222
00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:26,114
Now,
223
00:16:27,119 --> 00:16:28,950
who shall play
224
00:16:29,288 --> 00:16:32,780
the most handsome count
in all the world?
225
00:16:38,030 --> 00:16:39,964
Would you do it, sir?
226
00:16:40,966 --> 00:16:42,160
Oh, all right.
227
00:16:42,468 --> 00:16:45,995
"Pasta puttanesca." That's ltalian
for "very few ingredients," you know.
228
00:16:46,305 --> 00:16:47,499
That's great.
229
00:16:48,807 --> 00:16:50,035
Sunny. Little help.
230
00:16:51,877 --> 00:16:54,209
- Okay, we're gonna need a pot.
- No pot.
231
00:16:54,413 --> 00:16:56,973
- And a strainer.
- No strainer.
232
00:16:58,417 --> 00:16:59,406
Thank you.
233
00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:02,847
And a saucepan.
234
00:17:03,088 --> 00:17:07,047
This is a little piece I like to call
"Electric Chair."
235
00:17:12,498 --> 00:17:15,558
I think you might have to turn it up.
236
00:17:16,502 --> 00:17:18,163
Is anybody out there?!
237
00:17:21,507 --> 00:17:23,634
Strainer. That's brilliant.
238
00:17:23,842 --> 00:17:25,139
Sunny, how's that pot coming?
239
00:17:28,781 --> 00:17:33,650
Sunny, that's not a pot.
It's a spittoon.
240
00:17:33,919 --> 00:17:36,410
A spittoon? You mean, like...?
241
00:17:38,190 --> 00:17:39,316
We'll wash it twice.
242
00:17:42,628 --> 00:17:43,720
Well?
243
00:17:44,029 --> 00:17:45,894
It's good. It's really good.
244
00:17:46,131 --> 00:17:47,098
Time check.
245
00:17:47,699 --> 00:17:50,395
Let's go back to prehistoric times,
246
00:17:50,702 --> 00:17:53,933
when dinosaurs ruled the earth.
247
00:18:07,719 --> 00:18:10,244
Baudelaire orphans
to the courtesy desk.
248
00:18:10,456 --> 00:18:12,424
Baudelaire orphans
to the courtesy desk.
249
00:18:24,970 --> 00:18:25,994
What do you want?
250
00:18:26,672 --> 00:18:28,537
Dinner is served.
251
00:18:31,977 --> 00:18:33,069
Puttanesca.
252
00:18:33,445 --> 00:18:34,776
What did you call me?
253
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:38,408
It's pasta. Pasta puttanesca.
254
00:18:38,650 --> 00:18:40,379
Where's the roast beef?
255
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:42,644
Roast beef?
256
00:18:43,088 --> 00:18:44,783
Beef. Yes. Roast beef.
257
00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:48,923
It's the Swedish term for beef
that is roasted.
258
00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:53,158
But you didn't tell us
you wanted roast beef.
259
00:18:57,603 --> 00:19:02,472
You know, there's a big world out there
filled with desperate orphans
260
00:19:02,674 --> 00:19:05,234
who would gladly swim across
an ocean of thumbtacks
261
00:19:05,444 --> 00:19:10,643
just to be eclipsed by the long shadow
that is cast by my accomplishments.
262
00:19:11,116 --> 00:19:13,084
But I don't care about them.
263
00:19:13,685 --> 00:19:16,415
I chose to open my heart
264
00:19:16,855 --> 00:19:20,154
to you two loverly children
265
00:19:20,526 --> 00:19:22,585
and your hideous primate.
266
00:19:22,794 --> 00:19:26,252
All I ask in return is that you do each
and every thing that pops into my head
267
00:19:26,465 --> 00:19:30,595
while I enjoy the enormous fortune
your parents left behind.
268
00:19:31,069 --> 00:19:33,469
- No.
- Why, you litt--
269
00:19:48,887 --> 00:19:53,017
It's time you children learned
a little respect.
270
00:19:53,258 --> 00:19:54,350
You put her down!
271
00:19:57,095 --> 00:19:58,722
You monster!
272
00:20:02,067 --> 00:20:04,297
You all saw it. The boy slipped.
273
00:20:04,503 --> 00:20:06,994
You won't get a cent
until Violet turns 18.
274
00:20:07,673 --> 00:20:09,470
Oh, really?
275
00:20:10,008 --> 00:20:10,975
Says who?
276
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:12,700
The law. Look it up.
277
00:20:12,911 --> 00:20:15,311
We're going to call Mr. Poe
about this right now.
278
00:20:23,422 --> 00:20:24,719
Are you?
279
00:20:27,526 --> 00:20:30,154
I'm very disappointed
in you, children.
280
00:20:33,298 --> 00:20:35,266
Where were we?
281
00:20:35,968 --> 00:20:37,333
Are you okay?
282
00:20:37,536 --> 00:20:39,003
No.
283
00:20:42,708 --> 00:20:44,005
Klaus, what are you doing?
284
00:20:44,276 --> 00:20:46,267
- I'm going.
- Going where?
285
00:20:46,478 --> 00:20:47,740
Home.
286
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:50,339
This is our home now.
287
00:20:52,718 --> 00:20:54,447
This is not home.
288
00:20:54,886 --> 00:20:57,548
Home is where your parents
put you to bed at night.
289
00:20:57,789 --> 00:20:59,256
Where they teach you to ride a bike.
290
00:20:59,558 --> 00:21:02,686
Or where they get all choked up
on your first day of school.
291
00:21:02,894 --> 00:21:05,260
This is not home.
292
00:21:09,001 --> 00:21:10,866
How could they do this to us?
293
00:21:11,069 --> 00:21:12,195
They're just bad people.
294
00:21:12,771 --> 00:21:14,830
Not them. Mom and Dad.
295
00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:16,632
- Klaus!
- What?
296
00:21:16,842 --> 00:21:19,868
Violet, you're thinking it too.
How could they?
297
00:21:20,145 --> 00:21:21,772
They had no plan for us at all?
298
00:21:22,014 --> 00:21:24,141
Well, maybe they did have a plan.
299
00:21:24,916 --> 00:21:26,907
Well, sure looks like it to me.
300
00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:37,820
Do you remember
when Mom and Dad went to Europe?
301
00:21:38,830 --> 00:21:41,993
And we thought they'd abandoned us
because they didn't even write.
302
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:43,895
Then we found out they'd written
a long letter.
303
00:21:44,102 --> 00:21:45,433
It had just gotten lost in the mail.
304
00:21:45,637 --> 00:21:49,129
Do you remember how guilty we felt
for thinking bad thoughts about them?
305
00:21:50,676 --> 00:21:51,836
This is just like that.
306
00:21:53,011 --> 00:21:54,410
No, it's not.
307
00:21:55,347 --> 00:21:56,575
Why?
308
00:21:58,850 --> 00:22:02,809
Because they're not in Europe.
They're not coming back.
309
00:22:09,995 --> 00:22:14,159
Do you think anything
will ever feel like home again?
310
00:22:27,713 --> 00:22:29,203
"Sanctuary"
311
00:22:29,514 --> 00:22:34,816
is a word which here means, "a small,
safe place in a troubling world. "
312
00:22:36,021 --> 00:22:41,049
Like an oasis in a vast desert
or an island in a stormy sea.
313
00:22:41,293 --> 00:22:44,057
The Baudelaires enjoyed their evening
in the sanctuary they'd built together.
314
00:22:44,262 --> 00:22:45,229
I see it. I see it.
315
00:22:45,430 --> 00:22:49,799
But in their hearts they knew that
the troubling world lay just outside.
316
00:22:50,035 --> 00:22:53,869
A world which, I'm sad to say,
can be described in two dismal words.
317
00:22:54,172 --> 00:22:56,003
Custody granted.
318
00:22:58,877 --> 00:23:02,506
Thank you, Your Honor.
Nice doing business with you.
319
00:23:09,554 --> 00:23:14,014
Children, I've been contemplating
our situation,
320
00:23:14,226 --> 00:23:19,425
and I realize that I've been
a bit standoffish, shall we say.
321
00:23:19,698 --> 00:23:22,030
Which in this case is a big,
big word meaning--
322
00:23:22,234 --> 00:23:23,565
Pure evil.
323
00:23:23,802 --> 00:23:26,327
--tough, but fair.
324
00:23:26,872 --> 00:23:29,568
But now that we're family,
I can make it up to you.
325
00:23:29,775 --> 00:23:32,938
I can be the ultimate dad.
326
00:23:33,278 --> 00:23:35,610
I know. Let's stop for a treat.
327
00:23:40,318 --> 00:23:41,910
Soda. Soda. Banana.
328
00:23:44,322 --> 00:23:45,516
Got it.
329
00:24:05,210 --> 00:24:09,203
Violet, where'd the locks go?
330
00:24:16,755 --> 00:24:20,486
Hello. I'm going on a perfectly
innocent ride in the country
331
00:24:20,692 --> 00:24:22,990
with my kids, whom I love.
332
00:24:23,261 --> 00:24:24,888
Is that clock correct?
333
00:24:31,036 --> 00:24:32,628
What is it?
334
00:24:33,605 --> 00:24:35,732
I think it's a schedule.
335
00:24:56,228 --> 00:25:00,858
Kiwi Watermelon Surprise. My favorite.
336
00:25:11,977 --> 00:25:13,103
Go!
337
00:25:18,817 --> 00:25:21,445
- He took the keys.
- Try everything.
338
00:25:29,828 --> 00:25:33,286
Chit-chattery chipmunks all singing--
339
00:25:36,368 --> 00:25:37,801
Count Olaf? Hello. Poe.
340
00:25:38,036 --> 00:25:40,971
I'm calling you back about
that inheritance question you raised.
341
00:25:41,206 --> 00:25:42,969
- Mr. Poe, thank goodness.
- Who is this?
342
00:25:43,208 --> 00:25:45,142
It's Violet Baudelaire.
We're in Count Olaf's car.
343
00:25:45,343 --> 00:25:47,140
Oh, hello, Violet.
Well, where's Count Olaf?
344
00:25:47,379 --> 00:25:48,471
He's not here right now, but--
345
00:25:48,713 --> 00:25:50,647
You're driving the car alone?
346
00:25:50,882 --> 00:25:53,646
No. We're-- The car's on the train
tracks, and the train is coming.
347
00:25:53,852 --> 00:25:58,312
I'm sorry, Violet, I can't hear a thing.
I'm driving next to a train!
348
00:25:58,557 --> 00:26:00,821
We're going to be hit by a train.
349
00:26:01,026 --> 00:26:04,484
Right. Yes. I can't hear
because of the train!
350
00:26:04,729 --> 00:26:07,994
I'll call you back when I get
to the bank! Goodbye!
351
00:26:13,705 --> 00:26:18,335
Klaus, you've read books on trains.
What do we do?
352
00:26:25,083 --> 00:26:26,380
The track switcher.
353
00:26:26,651 --> 00:26:27,845
There!
354
00:26:31,556 --> 00:26:32,682
It's too far away.
355
00:26:32,891 --> 00:26:35,792
No. There has to be something
we can use to pull it.
356
00:26:35,994 --> 00:26:38,963
- There's nothing in here.
- There's always something.
357
00:26:40,899 --> 00:26:42,799
Sunny, bite the head off that elf.
358
00:27:18,003 --> 00:27:19,129
Quick, pull it back in.
359
00:27:25,744 --> 00:27:27,644
- Violet.
- I got it.
360
00:27:27,946 --> 00:27:29,573
I don't mean to rush you.
361
00:27:35,787 --> 00:27:37,482
- Nice shot.
- Thank you. Pull.
362
00:28:38,783 --> 00:28:43,652
Mr. Poe. Dear Mr. Poe. Can't we
discuss this like reasonable men?
363
00:28:43,855 --> 00:28:45,254
I'm sorry, Count Olaf.
364
00:28:45,457 --> 00:28:47,448
Allowing a child of Sunny's age
to drive a car
365
00:28:47,659 --> 00:28:48,751
is simply not good parenting.
366
00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:49,984
He tried to kill us.
367
00:28:50,195 --> 00:28:53,494
Let us not exaggerate, Klaus.
The vehicle was not even in gear.
368
00:28:54,299 --> 00:28:58,998
May I have a moment
alone with the children?
369
00:29:03,742 --> 00:29:05,107
Goodbye, kids.
370
00:29:05,744 --> 00:29:07,268
It's been fun.
371
00:29:07,545 --> 00:29:09,308
I'm going to get you.
No matter where you go,
372
00:29:09,514 --> 00:29:12,540
no matter what you do, I'll find you.
373
00:29:12,951 --> 00:29:15,579
You are so deceased.
374
00:29:20,892 --> 00:29:22,621
Take them, Mr. Poe...
375
00:29:23,995 --> 00:29:26,293
...before I lose it, bigtime.
376
00:29:27,499 --> 00:29:29,126
Trumping a talentless villain
377
00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:32,563
might seem all in a day's work
for three ingenious orphans.
378
00:29:32,971 --> 00:29:35,235
But the Baudelaires
savored their victory
379
00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:38,068
as they sped
towards their new home.
380
00:29:38,309 --> 00:29:40,539
What lay ahead for them
was unclear,
381
00:29:40,779 --> 00:29:42,974
but they remained
cautiously optimistic
382
00:29:43,181 --> 00:29:46,207
that their next guardian would be
better than the last.
383
00:29:46,451 --> 00:29:50,148
Or at least wouldn't try
to flatten them with a train.
384
00:29:56,594 --> 00:29:59,722
Do you know
what kind of scientist he is?
385
00:29:59,931 --> 00:30:02,491
No, I don't. I was far too busy
making arrangements for you three.
386
00:30:02,700 --> 00:30:03,894
I didn't have time for chitchat.
387
00:30:04,169 --> 00:30:05,397
Hello!
388
00:30:06,104 --> 00:30:09,972
Oh, my goodness.
389
00:30:10,208 --> 00:30:13,075
Look at you. You must be Violet.
390
00:30:13,278 --> 00:30:15,473
Do you remember me?
I don't suppose so.
391
00:30:15,680 --> 00:30:17,739
You were just a little baby
at the time.
392
00:30:18,016 --> 00:30:21,247
And, Klaus, we've never met.
How do you d--?
393
00:30:21,886 --> 00:30:25,083
What a firm grip.
Like a Burmese python.
394
00:30:25,356 --> 00:30:30,658
And Sunny. Little Sunny. You look
so much like your dear mother.
395
00:30:31,129 --> 00:30:34,621
Thank you very much, Mr. Poe.
I'll take it from here.
396
00:30:35,300 --> 00:30:37,097
Oh, perhaps I should come inside.
397
00:30:37,302 --> 00:30:38,792
Oh, by all means.
398
00:30:39,637 --> 00:30:41,400
You could help us pick out
the gut worms
399
00:30:41,606 --> 00:30:43,437
from the bowel of the Viscid Boa.
400
00:30:44,075 --> 00:30:47,101
Children, remember,
if you need me anytime,
401
00:30:47,312 --> 00:30:50,770
you can reach me by phone or fax.
402
00:30:51,015 --> 00:30:52,175
Good day.
403
00:30:56,154 --> 00:30:58,145
Well, we got rid of him, didn't we?
404
00:30:58,389 --> 00:31:01,654
Come in. Come in. There's not
much time, and we have to pack.
405
00:31:02,827 --> 00:31:04,021
Pack?
406
00:31:06,464 --> 00:31:07,522
Did you say "pack"?
407
00:31:07,732 --> 00:31:10,997
Oh, yes. We have to pack
all the equipment.
408
00:31:11,402 --> 00:31:13,836
Then there's the essentials,
like clothing and such.
409
00:31:14,038 --> 00:31:16,506
And we have to tag all of the snakes
who are coming with us.
410
00:31:16,708 --> 00:31:17,834
Coming where?
411
00:31:18,042 --> 00:31:20,169
Oh, did I mention we're going
to Peru?
412
00:31:20,378 --> 00:31:22,710
- No.
- Yes, we're going to Peru.
413
00:31:22,914 --> 00:31:26,179
Tomorrow morning.
Isn't that exciting?
414
00:31:26,384 --> 00:31:27,851
This way to the Reptile Room.
415
00:31:30,555 --> 00:31:33,524
Welcome to my humble abode.
416
00:31:33,925 --> 00:31:36,519
You children know anything
about snakes?
417
00:31:37,228 --> 00:31:38,855
Only what I've read in books.
418
00:31:39,264 --> 00:31:41,027
No, not very much.
419
00:31:41,733 --> 00:31:45,794
Well, we may have one or two things
here that aren't in books.
420
00:31:46,938 --> 00:31:51,534
I'll just put the big fellow in his bed and
introduce you to a few of me friends.
421
00:31:52,410 --> 00:31:53,877
Over here...
422
00:31:54,078 --> 00:31:55,375
That's the two-headed cobra.
423
00:31:55,580 --> 00:31:57,548
Well spotted.
424
00:31:57,749 --> 00:31:59,216
Is that a he or a she?
425
00:31:59,584 --> 00:32:02,052
I have no idea.
Didn't think it polite to ask.
426
00:32:02,587 --> 00:32:06,216
And over here,
the Tibetan Third-Eye Toad.
427
00:32:06,424 --> 00:32:09,791
We can't stop this fellow chanting.
Om. Ribbit.
428
00:32:10,194 --> 00:32:14,062
And now, children, you have
to see my latest discovery.
429
00:32:14,265 --> 00:32:19,066
Found him in Tanzania. One of a kind.
The lncredibly Deadly Viper.
430
00:32:19,704 --> 00:32:24,334
My assistant, Gustav, and I may be
the only people ever to have seen him.
431
00:32:51,002 --> 00:32:54,494
Oh, I'm sorry. My ribbon just jammed.
432
00:32:54,739 --> 00:32:56,707
Let me just adjust it here.
433
00:32:58,476 --> 00:32:59,443
Right.
434
00:32:59,644 --> 00:33:00,668
There we are.
435
00:33:00,979 --> 00:33:02,105
Now,
436
00:33:02,814 --> 00:33:03,974
where was I?
437
00:33:04,248 --> 00:33:06,944
Oh, yes. The attack
of the Incredibly Deadly Viper.
438
00:33:08,186 --> 00:33:11,314
Not to worry, little one.
You're all right.
439
00:33:11,522 --> 00:33:14,184
It can't possibly harm you.
Here we go.
440
00:33:14,559 --> 00:33:17,687
The lncredibly Deadly Viper
couldn't have possibly harmed her?
441
00:33:17,929 --> 00:33:19,658
No. No, no, no, no.
442
00:33:21,699 --> 00:33:23,223
It's a big softy.
443
00:33:23,534 --> 00:33:26,025
One of the least harmful
and most friendly creatures
444
00:33:26,237 --> 00:33:27,499
in the animal kingdom.
445
00:33:27,705 --> 00:33:28,865
It's a misnomer.
446
00:33:29,073 --> 00:33:32,406
I only called him that to play a prank
on those stuffed shirts
447
00:33:32,610 --> 00:33:34,635
down at the Herpetological Society.
448
00:33:34,879 --> 00:33:37,643
Uncle Monty,
why are we going to Peru?
449
00:33:38,082 --> 00:33:39,879
Just this morning I was wondering,
450
00:33:40,084 --> 00:33:42,348
"How are we all going to get
out of town together?"
451
00:33:42,553 --> 00:33:46,011
And I thought, "Peru."
They have snakes in Peru, don't they?
452
00:33:46,224 --> 00:33:48,749
But why are we getting out of town?
453
00:33:50,361 --> 00:33:54,320
Violet, do you know snakes are more
afraid of you than you are of them?
454
00:33:55,700 --> 00:33:57,190
Few people do.
455
00:33:58,036 --> 00:34:00,561
When threatened,
a snake will retreat to a place
456
00:34:00,772 --> 00:34:04,003
that is quiet, safe, remote.
457
00:34:05,109 --> 00:34:10,172
A sanctuary.
Where it can feel out of danger.
458
00:34:12,083 --> 00:34:13,744
That's why Peru.
459
00:34:18,089 --> 00:34:20,523
Wait, that spyglass.
I saw one just like that in our dad's--
460
00:34:20,725 --> 00:34:22,522
Plenty of time for chitchat later.
461
00:34:22,760 --> 00:34:25,524
But right now, what I need
is an inventor,
462
00:34:25,730 --> 00:34:27,061
a reader
463
00:34:27,265 --> 00:34:28,892
and a biter.
464
00:34:29,100 --> 00:34:30,226
Know any?
465
00:34:37,775 --> 00:34:42,269
High upon Highlands
And low upon Tay
466
00:34:43,581 --> 00:34:48,780
Bonnie George Campbell
Rode out on a day
467
00:34:49,754 --> 00:34:54,782
Saddled and bridled
So gallant rode he
468
00:34:55,593 --> 00:35:00,587
Home came his good horse
But never came he
469
00:35:02,967 --> 00:35:06,596
Petunia, what have I told you
about this?
470
00:35:06,804 --> 00:35:09,102
She thinks I'm a tree, you know.
471
00:35:09,941 --> 00:35:14,742
I think I know that song. I think-- I think
our parents used to play it for us.
472
00:35:14,946 --> 00:35:18,074
They certainly did. As I did for mine.
473
00:35:18,282 --> 00:35:20,773
- You had children?
- Oh, yes.
474
00:35:21,452 --> 00:35:23,784
And a wife and a home.
475
00:35:25,490 --> 00:35:26,616
Until the fire.
476
00:35:28,025 --> 00:35:29,322
A fire?
477
00:35:30,795 --> 00:35:33,821
I may know better than anyone
what you're going through.
478
00:35:35,333 --> 00:35:36,925
But it's gonna be all right.
479
00:35:37,468 --> 00:35:41,962
We'll be among people who
understand us. People who are like us.
480
00:35:42,473 --> 00:35:44,634
People who appreciate
unique children
481
00:35:44,842 --> 00:35:50,144
who can read and invent
and bite things.
482
00:35:52,517 --> 00:35:55,645
Uncle Monty, why are you doing
all this for us?
483
00:35:57,321 --> 00:35:59,482
Isn't that what family does?
484
00:36:00,358 --> 00:36:03,816
"And so the Baudelaire children
went to Peru
485
00:36:04,028 --> 00:36:05,757
and together had
wonderful adventures
486
00:36:05,963 --> 00:36:09,330
with their loving
and wonderful new guardian.
487
00:36:10,001 --> 00:36:11,992
The end. "
488
00:36:13,838 --> 00:36:16,500
These are the words
I desperately wish I could type.
489
00:36:16,841 --> 00:36:21,141
Oh, I would give anything
to say that the story ends here.
490
00:36:21,345 --> 00:36:24,007
But alas, my mission is
not to weave happy endings
491
00:36:24,215 --> 00:36:27,514
where they do not occur
but to report the actual events
492
00:36:27,718 --> 00:36:30,881
in the lives of the unfortunate
Baudelaire children.
493
00:36:31,856 --> 00:36:33,687
And as much as it pains me,
494
00:36:33,891 --> 00:36:37,691
I must confess that their troubles
had only just begun.
495
00:36:37,929 --> 00:36:40,989
And it did so with two musical notes.
496
00:36:56,280 --> 00:36:57,542
Hello.
497
00:36:57,748 --> 00:37:02,412
I am looking
for Dr. Montgomery Montgomery.
498
00:37:04,222 --> 00:37:07,714
I am Stephano. I am an ltalian man,
499
00:37:08,059 --> 00:37:13,361
and I am here to assist him
in his research as best I can.
500
00:37:13,564 --> 00:37:17,694
As well as to facilitate
and remain observatory.
501
00:37:17,902 --> 00:37:19,392
You're Count Olaf.
502
00:37:24,642 --> 00:37:28,043
Now, why would you say
something like that?
503
00:37:28,579 --> 00:37:32,276
I have never met such a person
as a Count Olaf,
504
00:37:32,583 --> 00:37:34,915
but if I had,
505
00:37:35,119 --> 00:37:39,715
I'm sure he would look and sound
completely different.
506
00:37:40,091 --> 00:37:42,252
You're Olaf,
and we're not letting you in.
507
00:37:48,299 --> 00:37:52,929
Well, perhaps you should re-evaluate
your hypothesis.
508
00:37:53,604 --> 00:37:57,597
Anyway, that's why you should
never run with one of these, kids.
509
00:37:57,842 --> 00:38:00,470
Words of wisdom indeed,
Mr. Stephano.
510
00:38:00,678 --> 00:38:03,272
Oops, you caught me being
a mentor.
511
00:38:03,514 --> 00:38:06,483
And bless you for coming
at such short notice.
512
00:38:06,717 --> 00:38:08,309
Not at all, not at all.
513
00:38:08,552 --> 00:38:12,420
My chief assistant, Gustav, took sick
and phoned not one hour ago.
514
00:38:12,623 --> 00:38:15,091
He'd give anything
to be here right now.
515
00:38:18,696 --> 00:38:20,596
Thank goodness you were available.
516
00:38:20,865 --> 00:38:25,768
Well, I am a fan, if I may gush.
517
00:38:26,037 --> 00:38:29,268
Your work has profoundly influenced
my research
518
00:38:29,473 --> 00:38:32,601
up at the Monterey Bay Aquarium...
519
00:38:34,312 --> 00:38:35,609
...on the sea snake.
520
00:38:36,213 --> 00:38:38,773
It's a very volatile animal.
521
00:38:39,050 --> 00:38:44,352
- Perhaps we should--
- I've been bitten 43... 700 times.
522
00:38:44,889 --> 00:38:46,356
Mostly on the face.
523
00:38:46,557 --> 00:38:49,526
A lot of this has been reconstructed.
524
00:38:49,827 --> 00:38:51,294
But I think they did one heck of a job,
525
00:38:51,495 --> 00:38:54,794
even though my mustache
is a tad askew.
526
00:38:58,002 --> 00:39:01,460
I wonder if I could get the kids
to help me in with my bags.
527
00:39:01,739 --> 00:39:04,799
My left side is somewhat
neurologically challenged.
528
00:39:05,076 --> 00:39:06,703
- But of course. Children--
- Uncle Monty--
529
00:39:07,011 --> 00:39:11,141
Please. Let us not be rude
to our guest.
530
00:39:11,415 --> 00:39:12,643
Now, go on.
531
00:39:13,918 --> 00:39:15,317
What's he up to?
532
00:39:15,519 --> 00:39:16,508
I don't know.
533
00:39:16,754 --> 00:39:21,157
There is no good moment, of course,
for a notorious villain to arrive.
534
00:39:21,359 --> 00:39:23,327
But the timing
of Olaf's reappearance,
535
00:39:23,527 --> 00:39:26,985
just when Dr. Montgomery's secret
could be revealed to the children,
536
00:39:27,231 --> 00:39:29,893
was almost more
than Klaus could bear.
537
00:39:30,134 --> 00:39:31,431
Violet, listen to me.
538
00:39:31,869 --> 00:39:35,168
Monty's spyglass. I saw
the exact same one in Dad's desk.
539
00:39:35,973 --> 00:39:38,908
- Klaus, it's just a coincidence.
- Violet, no.
540
00:39:39,110 --> 00:39:41,010
Everything happens for a reason.
541
00:39:41,212 --> 00:39:44,511
Now, the children will be helping us
extensively with the research in Peru.
542
00:39:44,715 --> 00:39:46,182
Do you have experience
with children?
543
00:39:46,384 --> 00:39:49,683
Children are strange
and foreign to me.
544
00:39:50,621 --> 00:39:52,020
I never really was one.
545
00:39:52,223 --> 00:39:55,590
I know that they are
an important part of the ecosystem.
546
00:39:55,893 --> 00:39:57,793
He's never gonna let us alone
with Monty.
547
00:39:57,995 --> 00:39:59,428
We've gotta get a message to him.
548
00:40:00,131 --> 00:40:01,530
Leave that to me.
549
00:40:02,800 --> 00:40:05,030
I was feeding the moray,
550
00:40:05,469 --> 00:40:09,200
and of course, I got cocky.
551
00:40:09,407 --> 00:40:13,275
And that's all it takes.
That's all it takes, is one time.
552
00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:17,206
Just once.
553
00:40:17,481 --> 00:40:20,211
I had the kipper in my mouth,
and I offered it.
554
00:40:20,484 --> 00:40:23,976
And there was a team from
National Geographic that were there.
555
00:40:24,188 --> 00:40:25,553
They were filming the whole thing.
556
00:40:25,756 --> 00:40:29,283
And, well, a lot of people don't
know this about the moray,
557
00:40:29,493 --> 00:40:32,223
but you think, you know, "This can't be
a tremendously strong animal."
558
00:40:32,430 --> 00:40:34,728
I mean, sure, it has a certain amount
of strength,
559
00:40:34,932 --> 00:40:38,265
but how does it pull a man's face
into a cave?
560
00:40:38,769 --> 00:40:40,930
Anyway, long story short,
561
00:40:41,172 --> 00:40:43,470
the bends,
a reconstructive surgery...
562
00:40:43,674 --> 00:40:48,805
But yes, from my understanding,
Peru is a wonderful place.
563
00:40:49,113 --> 00:40:50,978
The beaches. The people.
564
00:40:51,215 --> 00:40:52,409
The relaxed guardianship laws.
565
00:40:53,851 --> 00:40:55,751
Relaxed guardianship laws?
566
00:40:57,488 --> 00:40:58,955
Did I say that?
567
00:41:00,558 --> 00:41:01,923
Darn neurotoxins.
568
00:41:02,293 --> 00:41:06,662
Oh, Stephano, you have
a wonderful gift for storytelling.
569
00:41:06,964 --> 00:41:09,660
- Doesn't he, children?
- Oh, yeah.
570
00:41:09,867 --> 00:41:12,927
I was wondering if you wouldn't mind
milking Petunia for me.
571
00:41:13,137 --> 00:41:18,439
Petunia. Well, the milking...
Now, see, what I was--
572
00:41:18,642 --> 00:41:19,836
Could I just...?
573
00:41:20,044 --> 00:41:22,945
Yeah, sure. I'll take a shot at that.
574
00:41:23,380 --> 00:41:27,009
Now, they used to call me Old
MacDonald up at the milking lab there,
575
00:41:27,218 --> 00:41:29,152
because I'd milk these things
all day long.
576
00:41:29,420 --> 00:41:33,151
But the little udders
are hard to locate.
577
00:41:34,692 --> 00:41:37,684
Anyway, why don't you take that
578
00:41:37,928 --> 00:41:40,692
and go ahead and start the party
without me, and then...
579
00:41:40,998 --> 00:41:45,992
I'm not sure I brought my milking gear.
I'll take a gander.
580
00:41:57,515 --> 00:41:58,812
Is he still watching?
581
00:42:00,184 --> 00:42:01,310
Yes.
582
00:42:01,785 --> 00:42:03,776
Don't look at me.
Pretend you're talking to Klaus.
583
00:42:03,988 --> 00:42:05,819
Okay.
584
00:42:06,023 --> 00:42:09,322
I got your message.
Don't worry. I know.
585
00:42:09,527 --> 00:42:11,495
- You do?
- Yes.
586
00:42:11,695 --> 00:42:14,664
A moray eel would never eat kippers.
Far too salty.
587
00:42:15,032 --> 00:42:17,364
And did you see the way he kept
glancing into my satchel,
588
00:42:17,568 --> 00:42:19,695
where I keep
the exotic snake venoms?
589
00:42:20,037 --> 00:42:23,939
You children were right.
Stephano is an imposter.
590
00:42:24,141 --> 00:42:25,108
Yes.
591
00:42:25,309 --> 00:42:27,038
He's a spy from
the Herpetological Society.
592
00:42:27,244 --> 00:42:29,439
He's here to steal
the lncredibly Deadly Viper.
593
00:42:29,680 --> 00:42:30,647
- No.
- No. Uncle Monty--
594
00:42:33,117 --> 00:42:38,419
Darn. All finished. I was
so looking forward to the milking.
595
00:42:39,290 --> 00:42:41,656
Isn't it about time you kids
went to bed?
596
00:42:41,859 --> 00:42:45,818
Absolutely.
Early start tomorrow, children.
597
00:42:46,030 --> 00:42:47,258
Off you go.
598
00:42:48,198 --> 00:42:49,358
Good night.
599
00:42:54,805 --> 00:42:58,434
Oh, and if you kids should get
restless during the night,
600
00:42:58,709 --> 00:43:02,440
I'm right down the hall,
and I'm a very light sleeper.
601
00:43:02,713 --> 00:43:07,116
In fact, I hardly sleep at all.
602
00:43:19,163 --> 00:43:21,290
Do you have a hall pass?
603
00:43:24,902 --> 00:43:26,802
I didn't think so.
604
00:43:27,605 --> 00:43:31,473
Oh, Petunia, I'm going to miss you.
605
00:43:32,743 --> 00:43:35,803
You're such a good girl, aren't you?
606
00:43:36,747 --> 00:43:38,374
Such a pretty girl.
607
00:43:38,916 --> 00:43:42,215
You are. Yes, you are.
608
00:43:44,254 --> 00:43:46,882
Oh, yes, you are.
609
00:43:48,258 --> 00:43:51,159
It is a curious thing,
the death of a loved one.
610
00:43:53,430 --> 00:43:54,988
Uncle Monty?
611
00:43:55,199 --> 00:43:58,168
It's like walking up the stairs
to your bedroom in the dark
612
00:43:58,369 --> 00:44:01,702
and thinking that there's
one more stair than there is.
613
00:44:02,373 --> 00:44:04,534
Your foot falls down through the air,
614
00:44:04,742 --> 00:44:07,905
and there's a sickly moment
of dark surprise.
615
00:44:10,080 --> 00:44:11,069
Uncle Monty?
616
00:44:16,787 --> 00:44:19,347
The children's grief
was not only for their uncle
617
00:44:19,590 --> 00:44:23,117
but for that tender hope that they
may have found home again.
618
00:44:23,394 --> 00:44:26,522
A hope which, thanks to a villainous
actor, was now slowly tumbling away.
619
00:44:32,803 --> 00:44:35,601
I do feel somewhat responsible
for this tragedy.
620
00:44:35,806 --> 00:44:39,037
I should've taken it upon myself
to warn him
621
00:44:39,276 --> 00:44:40,800
that the lncredibly Deadly Viper
622
00:44:41,011 --> 00:44:44,037
is the most deadly snake
in the entire ecosystem.
623
00:44:44,248 --> 00:44:47,217
I should know. I discovered it.
624
00:44:47,418 --> 00:44:48,783
You what?
625
00:44:49,019 --> 00:44:50,281
Detective?
626
00:44:51,155 --> 00:44:55,114
Little girl, the big cage door is open,
no snake. Dead guy.
627
00:44:55,325 --> 00:44:56,553
You know what I'm thinking?
628
00:44:56,760 --> 00:44:59,593
I'm thinking, "Who woke me up
at 9 in the morning for this?"
629
00:45:00,297 --> 00:45:03,095
It's definitely a snake bite.
There's no question about it.
630
00:45:03,300 --> 00:45:05,097
Snake bite, no question about it.
Thanks, doc.
631
00:45:05,369 --> 00:45:08,236
You don't understand, the lncredibly
Deadly Viper couldn't have killed him,
632
00:45:08,439 --> 00:45:10,930
because it's one of the least dangerous
and most friendly creatures
633
00:45:11,141 --> 00:45:12,335
in the animal kingdom.
634
00:45:12,609 --> 00:45:14,304
You mind if I skip the paperwork
on this?
635
00:45:14,645 --> 00:45:18,945
I think that'd be best. These kids
have been through a major upheaval.
636
00:45:19,516 --> 00:45:22,974
I wonder if it's a good idea, even,
to change their plans at this point.
637
00:45:23,287 --> 00:45:25,949
We were headed for Peru tomorrow,
638
00:45:26,156 --> 00:45:28,522
- and the tickets are nonrefundable.
- No.
639
00:45:28,726 --> 00:45:29,715
Doc, what do you think?
640
00:45:29,960 --> 00:45:32,485
Could be the only chance
for them to get closure.
641
00:45:33,864 --> 00:45:35,229
Closure. Thank you, doc.
642
00:45:35,432 --> 00:45:37,491
From interviews with witnesses
who were there that day,
643
00:45:37,701 --> 00:45:41,364
I have learned the following about
the youngest Baudelaire's plan:
644
00:45:41,638 --> 00:45:43,367
Brave Sunny started here
645
00:45:43,640 --> 00:45:45,335
and approached
the Incredibly Deadly Viper
646
00:45:45,542 --> 00:45:47,601
with single-minded determination.
647
00:45:47,911 --> 00:45:51,108
No, he's Count Olaf,
and that doctor is his accomplice.
648
00:45:51,348 --> 00:45:52,713
He tried to kill us with a train.
649
00:45:52,916 --> 00:45:55,976
- And where would this man get a train?
- Where am I gonna get a train?
650
00:45:56,253 --> 00:45:57,880
Children, that's enough
of this foolishness.
651
00:45:58,155 --> 00:46:00,953
Mr. Stephano bears absolutely
no resemblance to Count Olaf.
652
00:46:01,158 --> 00:46:04,787
Who is this incredibly handsome
Count Olaf they keep speaking of?
653
00:46:04,995 --> 00:46:08,761
Count Olaf is their old guardian,
who made an error in judgment.
654
00:46:09,500 --> 00:46:13,459
What about the tattoo? Count Olaf
had a tattoo of an eye on his ankle.
655
00:46:14,171 --> 00:46:16,139
Anything for the kids.
656
00:46:17,875 --> 00:46:20,639
Voila! Spick-and-span.
657
00:46:20,944 --> 00:46:22,969
Well, he's an actor.
He covered it with makeup.
658
00:46:25,048 --> 00:46:27,676
Doctor, I wonder if you
could help me escort
659
00:46:27,885 --> 00:46:30,319
- these young children to the vehicle.
- No. Mr. Poe--
660
00:46:30,521 --> 00:46:32,250
- No, Mr. Poe!
- I'll send you a postcard.
661
00:46:32,456 --> 00:46:34,617
About one thing,
all the witnesses agreed.
662
00:46:34,858 --> 00:46:39,625
The sound they heard next
was so shocking, so surprising,
663
00:46:39,863 --> 00:46:42,195
it still haunts them to this day.
664
00:46:52,075 --> 00:46:56,341
Damn it. This was
such a good character.
665
00:47:18,531 --> 00:47:21,500
Bum buttery, bluebird is singing a tune
666
00:47:21,701 --> 00:47:26,070
Rest assured, children, the authorities
are in hot pursuit of Mr. Stephano,
667
00:47:26,272 --> 00:47:29,764
from his eyebrowless forehead
to his untattooed ankle.
668
00:47:30,176 --> 00:47:31,871
The ltalian fiend.
669
00:47:32,078 --> 00:47:34,546
Though still in the clutches
of a clueless banker,
670
00:47:34,747 --> 00:47:37,375
the Baudelaires celebrated
their unmasking of Count Olaf
671
00:47:37,584 --> 00:47:41,418
as they skimmed their way across
the icy surface of Lake Lachrymose.
672
00:47:41,688 --> 00:47:45,522
But Klaus wasn't the sort to think
on the surface of anything.
673
00:47:45,725 --> 00:47:47,886
He knew there was something
beneath their journey,
674
00:47:48,094 --> 00:47:50,824
even though all he had to go on
was a spyglass,
675
00:47:51,030 --> 00:47:55,330
the knowledge of another terrible fire
and two words on a slip of paper.
676
00:47:55,535 --> 00:47:57,503
Aunt Josephine?
677
00:47:58,137 --> 00:47:59,832
Never heard of her.
678
00:48:01,374 --> 00:48:05,242
Does it strike you as odd that none
of our relatives are related to us?
679
00:48:21,961 --> 00:48:23,519
Aunt Josephine?
680
00:48:25,398 --> 00:48:28,196
Baudelaires? Is that you?
681
00:48:28,434 --> 00:48:29,594
Yes.
682
00:48:31,104 --> 00:48:32,401
Oh, good.
683
00:48:32,705 --> 00:48:33,729
Come in. Come in. Come in.
684
00:48:33,940 --> 00:48:37,068
Hurricane Herman
is about to arrive at any time now.
685
00:48:38,912 --> 00:48:42,245
Oh, Violet. Look at you.
686
00:48:42,482 --> 00:48:43,710
Hello.
687
00:48:43,917 --> 00:48:45,885
Come in, quickly. Quickly, children.
688
00:48:46,119 --> 00:48:47,450
- What? What?
- What's the matter?
689
00:48:47,754 --> 00:48:51,747
Not that quickly. You could trip
over the welcome mat
690
00:48:51,991 --> 00:48:53,288
and decapitate yourselves.
691
00:48:54,627 --> 00:48:59,257
So, quickly, but not too quickly,
all right?
692
00:49:13,513 --> 00:49:16,573
I'm sorry it's so chilly in here.
693
00:49:16,983 --> 00:49:20,749
Sometimes it gets so cold
I can hardly stand it.
694
00:49:20,987 --> 00:49:23,649
Would you like me to turn the radiator
up for you, Aunt Josephine?
695
00:49:23,957 --> 00:49:28,121
Oh, no. I never turn on the radiator.
I'm frightened that it might explode.
696
00:49:29,329 --> 00:49:33,493
Children, I must ask you not to use
any of the doorknobs in the house.
697
00:49:34,200 --> 00:49:38,933
Just push on the wood of the door,
and it'll open.
698
00:49:39,305 --> 00:49:40,272
Why?
699
00:49:40,707 --> 00:49:42,766
Well, I'm always afraid
that the doorknobs
700
00:49:42,976 --> 00:49:44,671
will shatter into a million tiny pieces,
701
00:49:44,877 --> 00:49:46,606
and one of them will hit my eye.
702
00:49:51,484 --> 00:49:53,782
"Delmo" is not a word.
703
00:49:54,354 --> 00:49:57,949
I can see that I'm going to have to
teach her proper English.
704
00:50:03,496 --> 00:50:07,489
Grammar is the greatest joy in life,
don't you find?
705
00:50:07,734 --> 00:50:09,031
- Most definitely.
- I love grammar.
706
00:50:18,177 --> 00:50:19,804
Perfect. Nice hot soup.
707
00:50:20,513 --> 00:50:23,812
Actually, it's chilled cucumber soup.
708
00:50:24,050 --> 00:50:25,483
I never cook anything hot.
709
00:50:25,718 --> 00:50:28,551
I'm afraid that the stove
will burst into flames.
710
00:50:28,921 --> 00:50:29,979
Where's your brother?
711
00:50:30,523 --> 00:50:31,490
The kitchen.
712
00:50:32,225 --> 00:50:33,192
Klaus?
713
00:50:34,527 --> 00:50:35,721
What are you doing?
714
00:50:36,195 --> 00:50:37,162
Napkins.
715
00:50:38,231 --> 00:50:42,497
Napkins are here. Come away from
the fridge. If it falls, it'll crush you flat.
716
00:50:44,203 --> 00:50:45,500
All right.
717
00:50:46,039 --> 00:50:48,940
Everyone, would you like
to see some pictures?
718
00:50:52,779 --> 00:50:54,713
Careful. Don't get a paper cut.
719
00:50:58,217 --> 00:50:59,184
Is this lke?
720
00:51:01,421 --> 00:51:02,718
Wasn't he handsome?
721
00:51:07,393 --> 00:51:09,725
All the things you did,
Aunt Josephine.
722
00:51:10,396 --> 00:51:11,727
You tamed lions?
723
00:51:12,465 --> 00:51:17,698
Oh, I was quite adventurous
when lke was alive.
724
00:51:32,251 --> 00:51:34,913
Uncle Monty?
You knew Uncle Monty?
725
00:51:35,121 --> 00:51:37,783
No. That's not a good picture of me.
726
00:51:37,990 --> 00:51:40,550
Wait, is...? Is that our parents?
727
00:51:40,760 --> 00:51:42,557
Was this some sort of club?
728
00:51:42,962 --> 00:51:45,226
Why do you all have
these spyglasses?
729
00:51:45,431 --> 00:51:50,232
I don't like the way I look
in that picture.
730
00:51:54,340 --> 00:51:56,467
Did lke die in a fire?
731
00:51:56,809 --> 00:51:59,972
No, no, no, no. Silly child, no.
732
00:52:00,813 --> 00:52:02,906
He was eaten by leeches.
733
00:52:06,285 --> 00:52:07,616
Come, I'll show you.
734
00:52:12,992 --> 00:52:17,486
Watch the chandelier, children.
If it falls, it will impale you.
735
00:52:37,817 --> 00:52:43,119
Ike and I explored every cove and inlet
of Lake Lachrymose,
736
00:52:43,322 --> 00:52:45,790
from Horrid Harbor,
737
00:52:46,025 --> 00:52:50,860
all the way over to Curdled Cave,
way over there.
738
00:52:51,364 --> 00:52:54,492
And near that rock is
where the leeches attacked.
739
00:52:58,204 --> 00:53:00,172
Lachrymose leeches have six rows
740
00:53:00,373 --> 00:53:03,035
of very sharp teeth,
and one very sharp nose.
741
00:53:03,342 --> 00:53:07,676
They are blind, but they can smell food
on a human from miles away.
742
00:53:07,880 --> 00:53:11,976
And if they smell food,
they will swarm.
743
00:53:15,221 --> 00:53:20,523
I told him, "lke, you must wait one hour
before going into the water."
744
00:53:21,060 --> 00:53:22,186
But...
745
00:53:23,196 --> 00:53:27,496
...he only waited 45 minutes,
746
00:53:27,700 --> 00:53:28,894
and...
747
00:53:37,710 --> 00:53:40,577
I apologize, children.
748
00:53:41,380 --> 00:53:42,677
Klaus!
749
00:53:43,216 --> 00:53:46,413
That area is private.
That was lke's room.
750
00:53:50,389 --> 00:53:53,381
Oh, God, I hate it here.
751
00:53:55,228 --> 00:53:58,664
Well, Aunt Josephine,
have you ever thought
752
00:53:58,865 --> 00:54:00,355
of maybe moving someplace else?
753
00:54:00,566 --> 00:54:04,195
Maybe if you moved away from Lake
Lachrymose you might feel better.
754
00:54:05,304 --> 00:54:07,363
I could never,
755
00:54:07,640 --> 00:54:11,872
never, never, never sell this house.
756
00:54:13,246 --> 00:54:15,544
I'm terrified of realtors.
757
00:54:15,915 --> 00:54:18,281
There are two kinds of fears:
758
00:54:18,584 --> 00:54:21,451
rational and irrational.
759
00:54:22,088 --> 00:54:25,387
Being afraid of realtors
is an irrational fear.
760
00:54:25,591 --> 00:54:27,058
Is this a bad time?
761
00:54:32,598 --> 00:54:34,429
We gotta get her out of the house.
762
00:54:42,141 --> 00:54:46,305
Watch out for those avocados. The pit
could become lodged in our throats.
763
00:54:46,612 --> 00:54:51,140
And watch out for that cart.
It could break free and run us over.
764
00:54:52,285 --> 00:54:54,583
Everything's fine, Aunt Josephine.
765
00:54:55,054 --> 00:54:57,852
Lord thundering jumped-up Jehovah.
766
00:54:58,057 --> 00:54:59,718
The black plague!
Is it the black plague?
767
00:54:59,926 --> 00:55:01,518
No, that there was all my fault.
768
00:55:01,794 --> 00:55:03,989
Tell you what, can't tell you
how sorry I is
769
00:55:04,196 --> 00:55:06,790
for running into your sister there
like that.
770
00:55:06,999 --> 00:55:08,057
Aunt Josephine, this--
771
00:55:08,267 --> 00:55:10,098
Couple of right beauties
you are, mum.
772
00:55:10,369 --> 00:55:11,495
Especially you.
773
00:55:11,737 --> 00:55:13,261
Aunt Josephine--
774
00:55:13,539 --> 00:55:15,029
But allow me to introduce meself.
775
00:55:15,274 --> 00:55:17,174
No, allow Klaus and I to introduce him.
776
00:55:17,443 --> 00:55:19,411
- This--
- "Klaus and me."
777
00:55:19,612 --> 00:55:20,909
It doesn't matter. This is--
778
00:55:21,113 --> 00:55:22,341
Doesn't matter?
779
00:55:23,950 --> 00:55:25,417
Are you jigging me, girl?
780
00:55:25,718 --> 00:55:30,178
Why, perhaps it's just the ramblings
of an expert fisherman,
781
00:55:30,389 --> 00:55:32,289
but grammar is the number-one
most important thing
782
00:55:32,491 --> 00:55:34,516
in this here world to me.
783
00:55:34,894 --> 00:55:35,918
It is?
784
00:55:37,363 --> 00:55:40,196
It's the whole ball of wax.
The entire kit and caboodle.
785
00:55:40,466 --> 00:55:42,093
Why, without your good grammar,
786
00:55:42,301 --> 00:55:45,702
the whole darn shooting match
could go arse over tea kettle.
787
00:55:46,305 --> 00:55:49,763
Well, you can certainly turn a phrase.
788
00:55:50,142 --> 00:55:52,872
I can flip it up and rub it down too.
789
00:55:53,145 --> 00:55:57,946
Of course, that would be entirely
up to you, mum.
790
00:55:59,151 --> 00:56:00,880
Captain Sham...
791
00:56:01,687 --> 00:56:03,120
...at your service.
792
00:56:03,422 --> 00:56:06,289
He's lying. He's Count Olaf.
793
00:56:07,326 --> 00:56:10,659
That horrible man you warned me
about? Where? Who?
794
00:56:10,863 --> 00:56:12,490
- Right in front of you.
- Where's he at?
795
00:56:12,698 --> 00:56:14,131
- Behind Captain Sham?
- No.
796
00:56:14,333 --> 00:56:18,167
I'll show him a thing or two. I'll give
him the old "wax on, wax off," me son.
797
00:56:18,437 --> 00:56:20,132
Captain Sham is Count Olaf.
798
00:56:21,107 --> 00:56:23,302
I'm not going through this again.
799
00:56:23,509 --> 00:56:25,500
Children of the corn!
800
00:56:27,179 --> 00:56:28,476
Klaus!
801
00:56:28,681 --> 00:56:32,811
Why did you do this
to this poor man?
802
00:56:33,019 --> 00:56:35,852
I'm so sorry. Sorry.
803
00:56:36,789 --> 00:56:39,314
That's gonna smart in the morning.
804
00:56:39,792 --> 00:56:42,420
Oh, I don't pay that no
never mind, mum.
805
00:56:42,695 --> 00:56:46,324
He's just a boy barely
out of his OshKosh B'Gosh.
806
00:56:46,532 --> 00:56:48,090
I've had to deal with that sort of thing
807
00:56:48,300 --> 00:56:51,326
ever since me leg was chewed off
by the Lachrymose leeches.
808
00:56:51,804 --> 00:56:57,106
Why didn't I wait an hour before
swimming? Why? Why? Why?
809
00:56:58,244 --> 00:57:00,007
The leeches took my husband too.
810
00:57:00,212 --> 00:57:01,270
Get out of town.
811
00:57:01,480 --> 00:57:03,675
No, really.
812
00:57:03,883 --> 00:57:08,183
By jeez, them blasted leeches doomed
me to a life of hopping, they did.
813
00:57:08,888 --> 00:57:11,448
Sure, I get the good parking spots,
814
00:57:11,724 --> 00:57:15,683
but who could love a man with one leg
and a face like a hen's arse?
815
00:57:15,928 --> 00:57:19,227
I'm as lonely as a gull on a rock, girl.
816
00:57:19,532 --> 00:57:22,126
Oh, Captain Sham.
817
00:57:22,868 --> 00:57:26,463
Would you come to my house
for dinner this evening?
818
00:57:26,705 --> 00:57:27,729
- No!
- No!
819
00:57:28,007 --> 00:57:29,668
Oh, no, I don't know about that, mum.
820
00:57:29,875 --> 00:57:33,402
I'm afeard I might scuff up the floors
with this old cribbage peg.
821
00:57:33,612 --> 00:57:36,080
Well, I will lay down newspapers.
822
00:57:36,382 --> 00:57:40,341
Please, the children are going to make
a lovely dinner of puttanesca.
823
00:57:40,619 --> 00:57:44,578
The very meal I ate
before they took me leg!
824
00:57:45,024 --> 00:57:49,085
Oh, my goodness. Well, children,
I'm going to take Captain Sham home.
825
00:57:49,395 --> 00:57:53,764
And you stay here and shop for
an entirely puttanesca-free dinner.
826
00:57:54,800 --> 00:57:57,769
- But--
- "But" is not a sentence, Klaus.
827
00:57:59,638 --> 00:58:00,832
Aunt Josephine.
828
00:58:01,040 --> 00:58:03,668
Hey, you haven't paid for that.
829
00:58:10,249 --> 00:58:12,410
Kids today.
830
00:58:35,808 --> 00:58:37,537
Aunt Josephine?
831
00:58:43,349 --> 00:58:45,044
Aunt Josephine?
832
00:58:47,920 --> 00:58:49,319
Are you here?
833
00:58:49,788 --> 00:58:51,153
Aunt Jo?
834
00:58:52,258 --> 00:58:53,657
Are you here?
835
00:58:54,426 --> 00:58:56,121
Aunt Josephine?
836
00:59:01,967 --> 00:59:03,400
Oh, no.
837
00:59:03,602 --> 00:59:05,297
No.
838
00:59:11,443 --> 00:59:12,842
We're too late.
839
00:59:15,447 --> 00:59:17,244
We're too late.
840
00:59:23,455 --> 00:59:24,854
What does it say?
841
00:59:25,224 --> 00:59:26,919
It's a suicide note.
842
00:59:29,061 --> 00:59:33,020
"Violet, Klaus and Sunny, by the time
you read this, my life will be at its end.
843
00:59:33,232 --> 00:59:36,690
My heart is as cold as lke,
and I find life inbearable."
844
00:59:37,002 --> 00:59:38,196
"lnbearable"?
845
00:59:38,437 --> 00:59:39,699
Go on.
846
00:59:40,239 --> 00:59:43,572
"l know you children may not
understand the sad life of a dowadg--"
847
00:59:44,009 --> 00:59:45,374
"Dowager" has one D.
848
00:59:45,578 --> 00:59:47,375
It doesn't matter. Keep going.
849
00:59:48,614 --> 00:59:53,881
"--or what would have led to this
desperate akt." "Act" is spelled with a C.
850
00:59:54,119 --> 00:59:55,984
It's a suicide note.
Why are you checking spelling?
851
00:59:56,188 --> 00:59:58,088
She said her greatest joy in life
was grammar.
852
00:59:58,290 --> 00:59:59,655
Why is she making
all these mistakes?
853
01:00:01,026 --> 01:00:02,516
If you were about to jump
out a window,
854
01:00:02,728 --> 01:00:04,696
you might make
a few spelling mistakes too.
855
01:00:05,064 --> 01:00:06,759
"Please know that
I am much happier this way.
856
01:00:06,966 --> 01:00:09,867
As my last will and testament, I leave
you three in the care of Captain Sham,
857
01:00:10,135 --> 01:00:12,194
a kind and honorable man."
858
01:00:13,906 --> 01:00:16,466
That was his plan.
He made her write this note,
859
01:00:16,675 --> 01:00:18,404
and then he pushed her
out the window.
860
01:00:24,383 --> 01:00:27,784
No. It's not a suicide note.
It's a message.
861
01:00:28,254 --> 01:00:31,189
It's not supposed to be "lke,"
it's supposed to be "ice." C.
862
01:00:32,891 --> 01:00:34,688
And "unbearable" with a U.
863
01:00:53,312 --> 01:00:55,872
All the way over to Curdled Cave,
way over there.
864
01:00:56,081 --> 01:00:58,515
She's not dead. She's hiding.
865
01:00:59,051 --> 01:01:00,416
Curdled Cave?
866
01:01:04,390 --> 01:01:05,721
Sunny!
867
01:01:27,012 --> 01:01:28,809
He was investigating fires.
868
01:01:40,359 --> 01:01:42,486
Klaus, we gotta go.
869
01:01:57,443 --> 01:01:58,569
Come away from the fridge.
870
01:01:59,011 --> 01:02:00,137
What?
871
01:02:00,612 --> 01:02:03,137
If it falls, it could crush you flat.
872
01:02:44,356 --> 01:02:45,323
No way.
873
01:02:56,368 --> 01:02:57,835
Is it over?
874
01:03:04,610 --> 01:03:07,579
Violet, you better tie your hair up.
875
01:03:28,033 --> 01:03:30,661
Violet, ideas?
876
01:03:50,122 --> 01:03:51,589
Bring me that fire extinguisher.
877
01:03:52,291 --> 01:03:53,258
Why?
878
01:03:53,625 --> 01:03:55,957
Because we need to move
this anchor over there.
879
01:03:56,228 --> 01:03:58,856
- What?
- Just help me.
880
01:04:13,779 --> 01:04:15,406
On three, we're gonna
break that beam.
881
01:04:15,614 --> 01:04:16,911
- Break it?
- Yes.
882
01:04:17,115 --> 01:04:19,709
- That's the only thing keeping us up.
- Exactly.
883
01:04:19,952 --> 01:04:21,647
Are you sure you tied your hair
tight enough?
884
01:04:21,920 --> 01:04:23,319
On three.
885
01:04:24,823 --> 01:04:26,051
One.
886
01:04:26,792 --> 01:04:28,054
Two.
887
01:04:28,994 --> 01:04:30,052
Three.
888
01:04:40,138 --> 01:04:41,162
Wait.
889
01:04:41,473 --> 01:04:42,667
Wait.
890
01:04:43,141 --> 01:04:45,268
Wait. Hold on, Sunny.
891
01:04:45,477 --> 01:04:46,637
Now!
892
01:05:02,294 --> 01:05:03,659
What do we do now?
893
01:05:03,862 --> 01:05:06,422
She's alive. We have to go
to the authorities.
894
01:05:06,798 --> 01:05:08,163
- No.
- What?
895
01:05:08,467 --> 01:05:10,765
- They won't listen. They never listen.
- Violet!
896
01:05:10,969 --> 01:05:14,427
It's Olaf. He'll never stop.
We have to find her ourselves.
897
01:05:16,675 --> 01:05:18,165
Hey, you kids.
898
01:05:18,477 --> 01:05:21,844
It's Captain Sham,
your new guardian.
899
01:05:22,147 --> 01:05:25,844
You just stay where you're at,
and we'll come where you're to.
900
01:05:26,151 --> 01:05:28,278
Ever read any books on sailing?
901
01:05:30,989 --> 01:05:36,291
Klaus had read exactly 15 books on
sailing and two books on meteorology.
902
01:05:36,862 --> 01:05:39,626
But it is one thing to do something
in theory,
903
01:05:39,831 --> 01:05:42,061
another to do it in practice.
904
01:05:42,334 --> 01:05:45,861
Little could have prepared them
for the crossing to Curdled Cave
905
01:05:46,071 --> 01:05:49,973
at the hands of an angry
and ill-humored lake.
906
01:05:50,175 --> 01:05:53,633
But as the storm passed
and the waters calmed,
907
01:05:53,845 --> 01:05:57,838
the Baudelaires couldn't help but feel
a small sense of accomplishment.
908
01:05:58,050 --> 01:06:01,747
A rare moment of joy
in their otherwise woeful lives.
909
01:06:03,121 --> 01:06:04,588
They had made it.
910
01:06:04,790 --> 01:06:07,224
And if their guardian
could not rescue them,
911
01:06:07,426 --> 01:06:10,987
then they would rescue
their guardian.
912
01:06:21,640 --> 01:06:23,232
Aunt Josephine?
913
01:06:38,724 --> 01:06:40,191
Aunt Josephine?
914
01:06:56,575 --> 01:06:58,202
Aunt Josephine?
915
01:07:01,313 --> 01:07:02,871
Are you in here?
916
01:07:14,593 --> 01:07:16,060
Aunt Josephine!
917
01:07:18,964 --> 01:07:20,397
Oh, children.
918
01:07:20,599 --> 01:07:25,502
You did it! You deciphered
the clues in my note.
919
01:07:25,704 --> 01:07:27,103
We're so glad you're okay.
920
01:07:27,305 --> 01:07:28,431
It was so horrible.
921
01:07:28,640 --> 01:07:31,074
Count Olaf forced me
to write that will,
922
01:07:31,276 --> 01:07:34,507
and then it nearly killed me to add in
all those grammatical errors.
923
01:07:36,481 --> 01:07:38,176
So did you bring groceries?
924
01:07:38,383 --> 01:07:41,250
Groceries?
We just came through a storm.
925
01:07:41,453 --> 01:07:44,354
Well, so? How do you expect us
to live in this cave
926
01:07:44,556 --> 01:07:46,421
if you didn't bring any food?
927
01:07:46,625 --> 01:07:47,819
Live in the cave?
928
01:07:48,026 --> 01:07:50,153
No, no, no. Aunt Josephine,
you have to come back with us.
929
01:07:50,362 --> 01:07:53,297
You willed us to Captain Sham.
You're the only proof we have it's a lie.
930
01:07:53,498 --> 01:07:56,262
No, no, no, no. No, no, it's much too
dangerous, children. I'm very sorry.
931
01:07:56,468 --> 01:07:59,767
T oo dangerous? You're our guardian.
You're supposed to take care of us.
932
01:07:59,971 --> 01:08:01,768
I'm not gonna talk about it anymore.
933
01:08:03,575 --> 01:08:07,102
You know, Aunt Josephine,
Curdled Cave is for sale.
934
01:08:07,312 --> 01:08:08,438
So?
935
01:08:08,914 --> 01:08:13,817
So before too long, people
are gonna come to look at it.
936
01:08:14,186 --> 01:08:17,849
And some of those people
will be realtors.
937
01:08:43,014 --> 01:08:44,572
Aunt Josephine,
938
01:08:45,617 --> 01:08:47,209
what does this mean?
939
01:08:48,220 --> 01:08:49,585
Where did you find that?
940
01:08:49,788 --> 01:08:51,312
I found it in lke's room.
941
01:08:51,757 --> 01:08:53,315
The fires.
942
01:08:53,692 --> 01:08:55,683
Why was he investigating fires?
943
01:08:55,894 --> 01:09:00,854
We all were. Uncle Monty, lke and...
944
01:09:02,367 --> 01:09:03,732
Our parents.
945
01:09:04,803 --> 01:09:07,101
They were our leaders.
946
01:09:08,306 --> 01:09:09,500
Children,
947
01:09:10,208 --> 01:09:14,770
there are good people
and bad people in the world.
948
01:09:14,980 --> 01:09:18,677
The ones who start the fires
and the ones who put them out.
949
01:09:18,884 --> 01:09:20,078
Who's doing this?
950
01:09:20,285 --> 01:09:21,343
Is it Olaf?
951
01:09:22,220 --> 01:09:24,916
I've said too much already.
Your parents knew the answer to that,
952
01:09:25,123 --> 01:09:26,351
and look what happened to them.
953
01:09:27,058 --> 01:09:30,516
Our parents? What did they say?
954
01:09:32,063 --> 01:09:34,054
We should never have left that cave.
955
01:09:34,266 --> 01:09:35,858
It's not too late for us
to turn around now,
956
01:09:36,067 --> 01:09:37,864
and I'll just take my chances
with the realtors.
957
01:09:38,069 --> 01:09:39,058
Aunt Josephine,
958
01:09:39,404 --> 01:09:41,964
what did our parents say?
959
01:09:43,241 --> 01:09:44,868
We're going to die.
960
01:09:46,444 --> 01:09:49,880
- What?
- It's the leeches!
961
01:09:56,521 --> 01:09:59,820
I guess it's a good thing none of us
have eaten in a while then.
962
01:10:09,434 --> 01:10:10,799
Aunt Josephine!
963
01:10:28,620 --> 01:10:30,918
There's a crack in the boat!
964
01:10:33,058 --> 01:10:36,824
Klaus, what do we do?
They're eating the boat!
965
01:10:37,462 --> 01:10:39,589
We're sinking, sinking, sinking.
966
01:10:39,798 --> 01:10:42,926
- Klaus, paddle, please.
- Doomed. Doomed.
967
01:10:43,134 --> 01:10:45,762
Aunt Josephine, that is not helping.
968
01:10:51,643 --> 01:10:55,101
There's a boat.
Over here! Over here!
969
01:10:55,313 --> 01:10:58,544
But as unpleasant
as Lachrymose leeches can be,
970
01:10:58,750 --> 01:11:02,948
there was something far more
unpleasant arriving out of the fog.
971
01:11:03,154 --> 01:11:07,056
Hello, hello, hello.
972
01:11:08,193 --> 01:11:11,458
I missed you guys.
973
01:11:11,663 --> 01:11:15,497
Looks like you could use
a little assistance.
974
01:11:15,700 --> 01:11:17,998
You're gonna need assistance
when we get back to town.
975
01:11:18,203 --> 01:11:20,398
Aunt Josephine's gonna tell everyone
what happened.
976
01:11:20,605 --> 01:11:22,129
Then I'll be arrested and sent to jail,
977
01:11:22,340 --> 01:11:24,570
and you'll live happily ever after
with a friendly guardian,
978
01:11:24,776 --> 01:11:26,801
spending your time inventing things
and reading books
979
01:11:27,012 --> 01:11:28,479
and sharpening
your little monkey teeth.
980
01:11:28,680 --> 01:11:30,705
And bravery and nobility
will prevail at last.
981
01:11:30,916 --> 01:11:32,975
And this wicked world
will slowly but surely become
982
01:11:33,184 --> 01:11:34,310
a place of cheerful harmony.
983
01:11:34,519 --> 01:11:36,544
And everyone will be singing
and dancing and giggling
984
01:11:36,755 --> 01:11:38,052
Iike the Littlest Elf.
985
01:11:38,256 --> 01:11:41,748
A happy ending.
Is that what you had in mind?
986
01:11:42,093 --> 01:11:46,154
Because I hardly think that anybody
is going to believe a dead woman.
987
01:11:46,498 --> 01:11:47,863
You're not gonna touch
Aunt Josephine.
988
01:11:48,066 --> 01:11:49,363
She'll tell everyone what happened.
989
01:11:49,567 --> 01:11:52,035
No, no, no, no, I won't tell anybody
anything. I promise.
990
01:11:52,237 --> 01:11:53,898
Please don't throw me
to the leeches.
991
01:11:54,139 --> 01:11:56,539
You can have the fortune.
You can have the children.
992
01:11:56,741 --> 01:11:58,231
Aunt Josephine!
993
01:11:58,443 --> 01:11:59,569
Please.
994
01:11:59,778 --> 01:12:02,576
Welcome aboard. Hot potato.
995
01:12:04,482 --> 01:12:07,417
I'll go away. I'll dye my hair.
I'll change my name.
996
01:12:07,652 --> 01:12:11,179
- But what about us?
- Quiet, child. The adults are talking.
997
01:12:13,591 --> 01:12:16,560
- I suppose I don't have to kill you.
- No.
998
01:12:16,761 --> 01:12:19,195
On the other hand, with that little stunt
of yours at the window,
999
01:12:19,397 --> 01:12:22,764
you hadn't been
a very trustworthy person.
1000
01:12:23,468 --> 01:12:24,765
But...
1001
01:12:26,571 --> 01:12:28,630
...I could show a little mercy.
1002
01:12:30,976 --> 01:12:32,910
"Haven't."
1003
01:12:36,948 --> 01:12:38,074
What?
1004
01:12:38,917 --> 01:12:42,546
You said "hadn't." That's bad grammar.
You should've said,
1005
01:12:42,754 --> 01:12:45,552
"You haven't been
a very trustworthy person."
1006
01:12:49,260 --> 01:12:52,718
Thank you for correcting me.
1007
01:12:53,298 --> 01:12:54,560
Not at all.
1008
01:12:55,800 --> 01:12:58,564
No. No, no, no, no, no.
Aunt Josephine. Aunt Josephine!
1009
01:12:58,770 --> 01:12:59,964
- Aunt Josephine.
- You can't--
1010
01:13:00,171 --> 01:13:02,332
- Aunt Josephine. Aunt--
- Aunt Josephine. Jump!
1011
01:13:03,475 --> 01:13:05,602
Well, you get the picture.
1012
01:13:09,981 --> 01:13:11,573
Aunt Josephine.
1013
01:13:12,283 --> 01:13:16,515
Well, we've done all we can do.
1014
01:13:18,957 --> 01:13:20,288
Everybody be cool.
1015
01:13:20,725 --> 01:13:23,125
Children? Is that you?
1016
01:13:23,328 --> 01:13:24,625
Mr. Poe! We're--
1017
01:13:24,829 --> 01:13:26,091
Drowning.
1018
01:13:28,967 --> 01:13:32,368
I saved him! I saved the boy
from the leeches!
1019
01:13:32,570 --> 01:13:35,095
Back to the depths,
you fingery devils.
1020
01:13:35,306 --> 01:13:38,366
You will not devour
this boy's head today.
1021
01:13:42,881 --> 01:13:45,543
Count Olaf?
What are you doing here?
1022
01:13:45,750 --> 01:13:50,278
Mr. Poe, please. Count Olaf,
what are you doing here, man?
1023
01:13:50,588 --> 01:13:53,148
I know, I know. I shouldn't have come.
1024
01:13:53,358 --> 01:13:56,794
But when I heard the children
were in danger, I had to.
1025
01:13:57,195 --> 01:13:59,288
Even if I'm not...
1026
01:13:59,664 --> 01:14:01,655
...fit to be their guardian.
1027
01:14:03,601 --> 01:14:05,796
It appears I was wrong about you,
Count Olaf.
1028
01:14:06,004 --> 01:14:08,063
- No!
- No.
1029
01:14:08,273 --> 01:14:11,834
You have proven yourself to be
an exceptionally capable guardian.
1030
01:14:12,243 --> 01:14:13,835
And I would be remiss
in my responsibility
1031
01:14:14,045 --> 01:14:16,741
if I did not place the children
with you immediately.
1032
01:14:17,415 --> 01:14:19,645
- Why, if it weren't for you, the--
- Don't say it!
1033
01:14:19,851 --> 01:14:23,014
I can't stand the thought
of losing my little treasures.
1034
01:14:23,221 --> 01:14:25,416
Even the thought
of the massive inheritance
1035
01:14:25,623 --> 01:14:28,490
would be a constant reminder
of my heartache.
1036
01:14:28,693 --> 01:14:30,718
Well, well, there's no need
to fret about that.
1037
01:14:30,929 --> 01:14:34,365
The law clearly states that you
would not inherit the Baudelaire fortune
1038
01:14:34,566 --> 01:14:35,999
if anything happened to the children.
1039
01:14:36,367 --> 01:14:37,334
Say what?
1040
01:14:37,535 --> 01:14:42,097
No, no. With the exception, of course,
of blood relatives and married couples.
1041
01:14:42,807 --> 01:14:43,933
Really?
1042
01:14:53,251 --> 01:14:54,718
Mr. Poe,
1043
01:14:55,320 --> 01:14:58,949
have I told you about our new play?
1044
01:15:09,734 --> 01:15:11,201
Critic.
1045
01:15:11,903 --> 01:15:13,370
Critic!
1046
01:15:15,006 --> 01:15:16,030
Cape, sir.
1047
01:15:16,241 --> 01:15:18,038
Don't try to get on my good side.
1048
01:15:21,479 --> 01:15:23,879
What is he up to?
Why are we in the play?
1049
01:15:24,082 --> 01:15:27,950
He's using this as a prop.
It says that if two people are married,
1050
01:15:28,153 --> 01:15:31,213
they're entitled to any money
that either of them has.
1051
01:15:31,422 --> 01:15:34,823
No, but it's just a play. He can't get
our fortune by marrying me in a play.
1052
01:15:36,261 --> 01:15:37,626
Can't l?
1053
01:15:37,829 --> 01:15:41,925
Conspirators. "Caesar must die.
Caesar must die. Caesar must die."
1054
01:15:42,133 --> 01:15:43,361
In order to be a valid marriage,
1055
01:15:43,568 --> 01:15:46,298
it has to be administered
by a bona fide justice of the peace.
1056
01:15:46,504 --> 01:15:47,664
It says so right here.
1057
01:15:47,872 --> 01:15:52,104
Justice Strauss, are you ready
for your debut?
1058
01:15:53,945 --> 01:15:58,678
Look at you.
Violet, you look so beautiful.
1059
01:15:59,050 --> 01:16:02,281
You are the bride, I'm the judge.
Who's the groom?
1060
01:16:02,487 --> 01:16:05,115
No, Justice Strauss, you don't
understand. The play is real.
1061
01:16:05,323 --> 01:16:07,257
Yes! Yes.
1062
01:16:07,458 --> 01:16:11,019
It must be real. That's why I cast you.
1063
01:16:11,229 --> 01:16:14,096
All the other actors I saw
lacked the proper--
1064
01:16:14,299 --> 01:16:15,732
What's the word I'm looking for?
1065
01:16:15,934 --> 01:16:17,697
- Hair?
- Hands?
1066
01:16:17,969 --> 01:16:19,869
Verisimilitude.
1067
01:16:20,572 --> 01:16:21,869
Now, remember, Justice Strauss,
1068
01:16:22,073 --> 01:16:24,837
you must say the words exactly
as you would in a real wedding.
1069
01:16:25,043 --> 01:16:27,841
Get it absolutely right. There are
talent scouts in the audience
1070
01:16:28,046 --> 01:16:31,379
Iooking for someone your age.
It's all riding on this one.
1071
01:16:32,116 --> 01:16:35,210
Why did you have to tell me that?
Oh, my God.
1072
01:16:35,420 --> 01:16:36,648
Take her to makeup.
1073
01:16:36,854 --> 01:16:40,051
Enjoy! Embrace the butterflies.
1074
01:16:40,258 --> 01:16:44,285
This is ridiculous. Violet's only 14.
She can't be legally married.
1075
01:16:44,495 --> 01:16:46,360
She can if she has the permission
of her guardian.
1076
01:16:46,564 --> 01:16:49,397
And who's that? Oh, yes. Me!
1077
01:16:52,103 --> 01:16:53,661
Look it up, bookworm.
1078
01:16:53,871 --> 01:16:56,635
Yes. Once you say "l do"
and sign the marriage certificate,
1079
01:16:56,841 --> 01:16:59,332
you'll really be my loverly bride.
1080
01:16:59,544 --> 01:17:02,707
You'll cook and clean
and massage my bunions
1081
01:17:02,914 --> 01:17:05,405
and clip my thick, yellow toenails.
1082
01:17:05,617 --> 01:17:10,054
Hey, marriage is no picnic.
You gotta work at it.
1083
01:17:10,288 --> 01:17:12,654
I'll never say "l do." Never.
1084
01:17:14,125 --> 01:17:15,820
I think you might...
1085
01:17:16,761 --> 01:17:19,059
...once you look up there.
1086
01:17:27,572 --> 01:17:28,664
Let her go!
1087
01:17:29,207 --> 01:17:30,834
Gladly. Let her go.
1088
01:17:31,743 --> 01:17:33,506
- No!
- Put a hold on that.
1089
01:17:34,979 --> 01:17:36,947
If you don't say "l do,"
1090
01:17:37,148 --> 01:17:40,174
or if anything should happen
to interrupt this performance,
1091
01:17:40,985 --> 01:17:42,543
I say one word into this,
1092
01:17:42,754 --> 01:17:47,123
and down will come baby,
cradle and all.
1093
01:17:47,792 --> 01:17:49,020
Clang!
1094
01:17:49,994 --> 01:17:52,189
How could you? She's an infant.
1095
01:17:52,397 --> 01:17:55,662
Oh, Violet. Violet, Violet, Violet.
1096
01:17:56,567 --> 01:17:59,035
Violet.
1097
01:17:59,237 --> 01:18:00,932
You're 1 4 years old.
1098
01:18:01,139 --> 01:18:04,870
You should know by now that you
can't have everything you want.
1099
01:18:05,176 --> 01:18:08,703
You want a life of happiness?
A roof over your head?
1100
01:18:08,913 --> 01:18:11,905
A place to call your own
and all that jazz?
1101
01:18:14,786 --> 01:18:16,913
And what about what I want?
1102
01:18:17,655 --> 01:18:20,715
I want that enormous fortune
1103
01:18:20,925 --> 01:18:24,884
and for all investigations
against me to cease.
1104
01:18:25,763 --> 01:18:30,063
You're going to help me
get what I want...
1105
01:18:30,968 --> 01:18:32,458
...tonight.
1106
01:18:41,612 --> 01:18:43,477
My public awaits.
1107
01:18:51,489 --> 01:18:54,481
Ladies and gentlemen, could you
put your appendages together
1108
01:18:54,692 --> 01:18:57,286
for The Marvelouse Marriage.
1109
01:18:57,495 --> 01:18:59,929
No. You're not gonna
go through with this.
1110
01:19:03,301 --> 01:19:04,768
I have to.
1111
01:19:05,169 --> 01:19:08,297
No, come on.
There's always something.
1112
01:19:08,506 --> 01:19:10,269
There's always something.
1113
01:19:11,843 --> 01:19:13,538
No, not this time.
1114
01:19:15,046 --> 01:19:16,013
But...
1115
01:19:16,214 --> 01:19:17,875
Camel, you're on.
1116
01:19:20,318 --> 01:19:22,309
- Go, Klaus.
- Violet.
1117
01:19:22,520 --> 01:19:23,544
Go!
1118
01:19:24,689 --> 01:19:26,850
Move your hump, camel. You're on.
1119
01:19:35,500 --> 01:19:37,991
Nothing in the world will keep
The count from his beloved bride
1120
01:19:38,202 --> 01:19:40,796
Nothing in the world will keep
The count from his beloved bride
1121
01:19:41,005 --> 01:19:43,064
Nothing in the world
Nothing in the world
1122
01:19:43,274 --> 01:19:45,538
Nothing
Nothing
1123
01:19:50,248 --> 01:19:54,150
What a marvelous day
for a marriage.
1124
01:19:54,352 --> 01:19:59,654
If only the handsome count
were here to claim his bride.
1125
01:19:59,857 --> 01:20:03,816
With his full head of hair
and great bravery,
1126
01:20:04,028 --> 01:20:06,997
the count has no equal.
1127
01:20:09,100 --> 01:20:10,499
What would Violet do?
1128
01:20:10,701 --> 01:20:14,432
The courageous battle
has waylaid him.
1129
01:20:14,639 --> 01:20:18,370
There's always something.
There's always something.
1130
01:20:18,576 --> 01:20:21,340
And a quiet, bald-headed suitor
1131
01:20:21,546 --> 01:20:24,174
has stolen the bride's affections.
1132
01:20:25,149 --> 01:20:28,243
Alas. The groom is a cad.
1133
01:20:28,453 --> 01:20:31,854
And nowhere near as handsome
as the count.
1134
01:20:32,156 --> 01:20:35,057
If only for a miracle.
1135
01:20:35,259 --> 01:20:39,559
Some way for the handsome count
to come and save...
1136
01:20:43,835 --> 01:20:47,202
What a thoroughly unmarvelous
marriage this will be.
1137
01:20:47,405 --> 01:20:48,929
But wait.
1138
01:20:49,574 --> 01:20:52,236
What is that?
1139
01:20:57,014 --> 01:21:01,417
It's the count, in his autogiro.
1140
01:21:01,619 --> 01:21:03,712
I didn't know they had
this kind of budget.
1141
01:21:14,499 --> 01:21:19,664
Yes, it is l, come to marry my bride.
1142
01:21:20,171 --> 01:21:24,904
And you, sir, have been taken
by surprise.
1143
01:21:25,443 --> 01:21:28,742
Caution. This next scene could get
pretty graphic.
1144
01:21:28,946 --> 01:21:30,311
Away, rapscallion!
1145
01:21:34,285 --> 01:21:35,582
Hairless Lothario!
1146
01:21:36,120 --> 01:21:38,418
Take that. And that.
1147
01:21:40,124 --> 01:21:41,785
Can I get some slack?
1148
01:21:44,128 --> 01:21:46,255
Let the wedding begin.
1149
01:22:13,824 --> 01:22:15,121
Don't look down.
1150
01:22:16,327 --> 01:22:17,726
Don't look down.
1151
01:22:30,775 --> 01:22:33,573
Do you, Count Olaf,
1152
01:22:33,778 --> 01:22:37,976
take this to be
your lawfully wedded wife,
1153
01:22:38,182 --> 01:22:42,346
in sickness and in health,
till death do you part?
1154
01:22:42,954 --> 01:22:44,319
Until death,
1155
01:22:45,456 --> 01:22:47,583
I most certainly do.
1156
01:22:51,028 --> 01:22:53,155
Do you, Violet Baudelaire,
1157
01:22:53,364 --> 01:22:57,061
take this--? Count Olaf
1158
01:22:57,268 --> 01:23:00,396
to be your lawfully wedded husband,
1159
01:23:00,605 --> 01:23:04,666
in sickness and in health,
till death do you part?
1160
01:23:04,875 --> 01:23:06,502
Justice Strauss, l--
1161
01:23:12,883 --> 01:23:14,077
I do.
1162
01:23:14,719 --> 01:23:16,619
- She doesn't deserve him.
- No.
1163
01:23:16,821 --> 01:23:19,517
- Are you thinking that?
- No, she doesn't.
1164
01:23:19,957 --> 01:23:21,857
- Now, all that is left...
- Sunny?
1165
01:23:22,059 --> 01:23:25,290
...is for this happy couple to sign
the marriage certificate,
1166
01:23:25,496 --> 01:23:27,225
and this union shall be--
1167
01:23:27,431 --> 01:23:28,864
Official
1168
01:23:29,567 --> 01:23:30,693
and legal.
1169
01:23:54,825 --> 01:23:58,056
Sunny, where's the key?
The key to the lock.
1170
01:24:23,454 --> 01:24:25,752
Right hand, please.
1171
01:25:30,054 --> 01:25:32,488
Children, I'm afraid
I must inform you
1172
01:25:32,690 --> 01:25:36,353
of an extremely unfortunate event.
1173
01:25:37,595 --> 01:25:40,587
I'm very, very sorry to tell you this,
but your parents have perished in a fire
1174
01:25:40,798 --> 01:25:42,663
that's destroyed your entire home.
1175
01:25:43,601 --> 01:25:45,694
These things don't just happen.
1176
01:25:49,473 --> 01:25:51,065
Come on, come on,
come on, come on!
1177
01:25:55,446 --> 01:25:57,937
Look what I did
to your pretty little home.
1178
01:25:59,617 --> 01:26:00,777
Let's finish here.
1179
01:26:09,693 --> 01:26:10,751
Boss.
1180
01:26:11,061 --> 01:26:13,154
What is it? Kind of busy right now.
1181
01:26:13,364 --> 01:26:14,490
We've got a problem.
1182
01:26:14,698 --> 01:26:15,858
Where are you?
1183
01:26:16,066 --> 01:26:17,863
Look up.
1184
01:26:22,173 --> 01:26:23,140
Hi!
1185
01:26:27,011 --> 01:26:28,672
And so concludes our play!
1186
01:26:28,879 --> 01:26:30,506
No, wait, it wasn't a play!
1187
01:26:30,714 --> 01:26:33,478
Count Olaf was gonna kill Sunny
if I didn't go through with the marriage.
1188
01:26:33,684 --> 01:26:34,651
Ridiculous.
1189
01:26:35,586 --> 01:26:37,019
No, you have to listen to me.
1190
01:26:37,221 --> 01:26:40,190
He was only marrying me to get
to the Baudelaire fortune.
1191
01:26:40,391 --> 01:26:42,018
No, that part is true, actually.
1192
01:26:42,226 --> 01:26:43,193
What?
1193
01:26:43,394 --> 01:26:46,795
Violet and I are indeed
a blissfully wedded couple,
1194
01:26:47,031 --> 01:26:48,191
because, you see,
1195
01:26:49,333 --> 01:26:51,801
we were married
in an official ceremony,
1196
01:26:52,002 --> 01:26:53,970
with official and legal vows
1197
01:26:54,171 --> 01:26:58,369
in front of a bona fide
justice of the peace.
1198
01:26:58,742 --> 01:27:00,539
Oh, my God, what have I done?
1199
01:27:00,911 --> 01:27:02,845
I'm sorry! I didn't know!
1200
01:27:03,047 --> 01:27:04,742
First order of business,
1201
01:27:04,949 --> 01:27:08,316
put the other two brats
up for adoption, separately,
1202
01:27:08,519 --> 01:27:10,680
into the far corners of the earth.
1203
01:27:10,888 --> 01:27:14,187
These children are meddlesome
when they're together.
1204
01:27:14,391 --> 01:27:20,193
- Mr. Poe!
- You unspeakable cad! Arrest him!
1205
01:27:21,232 --> 01:27:22,324
For what?
1206
01:27:22,600 --> 01:27:23,999
For being a greedy monster!
1207
01:27:24,201 --> 01:27:25,225
Come on.
1208
01:27:26,537 --> 01:27:30,337
Oh, I'm the monster? I'm the monster?
1209
01:27:31,375 --> 01:27:33,741
You're the monster.
1210
01:27:34,144 --> 01:27:36,442
Come on. Come on.
1211
01:27:36,647 --> 01:27:40,276
These children tried to tell you,
but you wouldn't listen.
1212
01:27:40,484 --> 01:27:43,214
No one ever listens to children.
1213
01:27:43,888 --> 01:27:46,254
- Come on.
- Do you think you're innocent?
1214
01:27:46,457 --> 01:27:48,015
You're accomplices.
1215
01:27:48,559 --> 01:27:52,359
This certificate says
that I have the fortune now.
1216
01:27:52,763 --> 01:27:53,855
Come on!
1217
01:27:54,064 --> 01:27:56,624
And there's nothing you can do
about it!
1218
01:28:02,439 --> 01:28:05,772
What do you think? Too diabolical?
Give me some feedback.
1219
01:28:21,191 --> 01:28:24,058
Hey, marriage is no picnic.
1220
01:28:24,261 --> 01:28:27,492
Oh, and by the way,
you're a terrible actor.
1221
01:28:28,032 --> 01:28:29,158
Now, now,
1222
01:28:30,200 --> 01:28:32,031
Iet's keep our heads here.
1223
01:28:32,336 --> 01:28:35,965
If you do anything to me,
you're just sinking to my level.
1224
01:28:36,240 --> 01:28:40,233
Not to mention setting
a terrible example for the children.
1225
01:28:41,478 --> 01:28:42,502
Guilty.
1226
01:28:42,713 --> 01:28:46,274
I am thrilled to say that Count Olaf
was captured,
1227
01:28:46,483 --> 01:28:49,179
for crimes too numerous to mention.
1228
01:28:49,386 --> 01:28:52,947
And before serving his life sentence,
it was the judge's decree
1229
01:28:53,157 --> 01:28:55,682
that Olaf be made to suffer
every hardship
1230
01:28:55,893 --> 01:28:57,827
- that he forced upon the children.
- Y es!
1231
01:29:00,864 --> 01:29:03,162
Get out! Get out!
1232
01:29:07,404 --> 01:29:08,871
Oh, no.
1233
01:29:18,015 --> 01:29:20,483
The Baudelaires had triumphed.
1234
01:29:20,684 --> 01:29:24,882
A word which here means, "unmasking
a cruel and talentless arsonist
1235
01:29:25,089 --> 01:29:28,081
and solving the mystery
of the Baudelaire fire. "
1236
01:29:30,894 --> 01:29:33,158
If only justice were as kind.
1237
01:29:33,364 --> 01:29:38,666
Count Olaf vanished after a jury
of his peers overturned his sentence.
1238
01:29:39,236 --> 01:29:42,933
As for the Baudelaires, what lay
ahead for them was unclear.
1239
01:29:43,140 --> 01:29:44,607
But one thing they knew,
as they climbed
1240
01:29:44,808 --> 01:29:47,868
once again into the back
of Mr. Poe's car:
1241
01:29:48,579 --> 01:29:50,046
They were moving on.
1242
01:29:52,649 --> 01:29:54,412
Now, don't worry, children,
1243
01:29:54,885 --> 01:29:58,013
I'm sure the authorities will catch up
with Count Olaf very soon.
1244
01:29:59,223 --> 01:30:02,920
No, no, we'll never have to deal
with that terrible man again.
1245
01:30:06,730 --> 01:30:08,220
Before we leave,
1246
01:30:09,666 --> 01:30:13,693
perhaps there's time
for just one last stop.
1247
01:31:59,743 --> 01:32:02,837
"Violet, Klaus and Sunny."
It's addressed to us.
1248
01:32:03,046 --> 01:32:04,809
Look at all these postmarks.
1249
01:32:05,182 --> 01:32:10,142
It's been to England and Rome
and Kenya and lceland.
1250
01:32:10,387 --> 01:32:12,218
I don't even know
where these are from.
1251
01:32:12,422 --> 01:32:13,719
Who's it from?
1252
01:32:20,297 --> 01:32:21,696
Mom and Dad.
1253
01:32:36,813 --> 01:32:38,212
It's the letter.
1254
01:32:39,183 --> 01:32:41,048
The letter that never came.
1255
01:32:45,022 --> 01:32:47,650
"Dearest children,
since we've been abroad
1256
01:32:47,858 --> 01:32:49,621
we have missed you all so much.
1257
01:32:50,861 --> 01:32:54,160
Certain events have compelled us
to extend our travels.
1258
01:32:54,965 --> 01:32:56,592
One day, when you're older,
1259
01:32:57,100 --> 01:32:59,568
you will learn all about the people
we've befriended
1260
01:32:59,770 --> 01:33:01,567
and the dangers we have faced.
1261
01:33:02,272 --> 01:33:05,400
At times, the world can seem
an unfriendly and sinister place.
1262
01:33:05,609 --> 01:33:09,306
But believe us when we say that there
is much more good in it than bad.
1263
01:33:09,513 --> 01:33:11,743
All you have to do
is look hard enough.
1264
01:33:12,449 --> 01:33:15,077
And what might seem to be
a series of unfortunate events
1265
01:33:15,285 --> 01:33:17,913
may in fact be the first steps
of a journey.
1266
01:33:18,889 --> 01:33:21,687
We hope to have you back
in our arms soon, darlings.
1267
01:33:21,892 --> 01:33:26,022
But in case this letter arrives before
our return, know that we love you.
1268
01:33:27,331 --> 01:33:30,198
It fills us with pride to know that
no matter what happens in this life
1269
01:33:30,400 --> 01:33:31,958
that you three will take care
of each other
1270
01:33:32,169 --> 01:33:34,467
with kindness and bravery
and selflessness,
1271
01:33:34,671 --> 01:33:36,434
as you always have.
1272
01:33:36,974 --> 01:33:40,137
And remember one thing, my darlings,
and never forget it:
1273
01:33:40,844 --> 01:33:44,644
That no matter where we are, know
that as long as you have each other,
1274
01:33:44,848 --> 01:33:47,476
you have your family,
and you are home.
1275
01:33:48,418 --> 01:33:50,113
Your loving parents."
1276
01:34:08,905 --> 01:34:12,966
Passing the torch is a rite of passage
that can take many forms.
1277
01:34:13,176 --> 01:34:16,907
But perhaps the least known
and most surprising
1278
01:34:17,414 --> 01:34:19,644
is the passing of a spyglass.
1279
01:34:38,335 --> 01:34:40,860
Dear reader, there are people
in the world
1280
01:34:41,071 --> 01:34:43,835
who know no misery and woe.
And they take comfort
1281
01:34:44,041 --> 01:34:46,271
in cheerful films about twittering
birds and giggling elves.
1282
01:34:48,845 --> 01:34:52,178
There are people who know that
there's always a mystery to be solved.
1283
01:34:52,382 --> 01:34:53,815
And they take comfort in researching
1284
01:34:54,017 --> 01:34:57,316
and writing down
any important evidence.
1285
01:34:59,356 --> 01:35:02,348
But this story is not about
such people.
1286
01:35:02,592 --> 01:35:05,720
This story is about the Baudelaires.
1287
01:35:06,029 --> 01:35:10,261
And they are the sort of people who
know that there's always something.
1288
01:35:11,101 --> 01:35:14,332
Something to invent,
something to read,
1289
01:35:14,538 --> 01:35:17,166
something to bite
and something to do
1290
01:35:17,374 --> 01:35:20,707
to make a sanctuary,
no matter how small.
1291
01:35:31,488 --> 01:35:34,685
And for this reason,
I am happy to say,
1292
01:35:34,891 --> 01:35:39,851
the Baudelaires were
very fortunate indeed.
1293
01:35:47,800 --> 01:35:58,800
"Lemony Snickets : A Series of Unfortunate Events"
-=The End=-
1293
01:35:59,305 --> 01:36:59,454
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