All language subtitles for HIMYF.s01e05.1080p.web.h264

- Being in a new relationship is great,

but everyone has a past.

And back when I was young,

technology had a way of bringing
that past into the present.

- So, after I took the kid's phone,
I turn around and said,

"Not on my school bus."

- That is so funny!

- Big laugh for a boring story,

followed with a little arm squeeze.

You guys are, like,
really into each other, huh?

- Hello. Hello. Hello.

Drushi!

- Oh, that's what
we called Drew in college

because his dorm room
always smelled like fish.

- I didn't know you were coming to town.

- Yeah, I convinced my attending

to clear my surgeries for the weekend,

so we could check out some wedding venues.
- Mm-hmm!

Guys, I think we found the perfect venue.

Creation at Wicker Farm.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's this gorgeous hotel
restaurant upstate.

We're gonna spend the weekend there,
do a tasting,

and they told us we can invite
two extra people. So--

- Yes! In! I am creating
a road trip playlist as we speak.

Text me the route
because I want Life Is a Highway

to kick in the moment we pull onto...

an actual highway? Huh?

- We were gonna ask Sophie and Drew.

- Sophie and Drew just started dating.

I'm not sure they're ready
for a weekend getaway.

- They've been dating for a month.

- No, I know, I know.
It's just that, you know, uh,

a weekend getaway's a big step,

and I'm sure these two don't want that
just sprung on them like that.

- We're in!

- Oh great!
- Good. Fantastic.

- Oh... good...

Jesse,

this is like a couple's thing,
you know? You're a lone wolf.

- Cool euphemism
for pathetically single.

But, actually, you're way off, okay?

I just started seeing this
totally awesome girl named Mia.

And I like her so much, I've even come up
with one of those cute little...

punny... couple names for us.

Mia and Jesse. We're Messy.

- Hello, customers!

I hope you all like beer...

because I forgot
what you actually ordered.

- Hey, Charlie, here's a copy of
your start papers and your passport.

No idea why I photocopied it

because you working here is,
like, completely illegal.

- Man! You've been everywhere.

You were in Brazil six months ago?

- Yes. On a family trip.

- I dated a Brazilian once.

I didn't speak Portuguese,
he didn't speak English,

so we had to speak with our bodies,

and those conversations went deep.

- Hoo-yeah!
- Another charming tale.

I do love it when you casually work

your previous sexual exploits
into conversation. It's such fun!

- Oh, Charlie!

First paycheck.

New job. New apartment.

I'm going to throw a lavish
housewarming dinner party this weekend

to celebrate my many accomplishments.

Ellen.

You can invite that lucky lady who swiped
your post-divorce V-card last week.

- What?

- No, no, no. I-I'm not inviting her.

Alright, fine. Just us then.

- Sorry to miss it. Sid and I

are actually taking a weekend trip
with Drew and Stacey.

Sophie.

Sorry.
- Oh.

It's okay.

Who is Stacey?

- My ex was named Stacey.

Uh, we hung out with Sid and Hannah a lot

when we were together, hence the mix-up.
- Oh.

- Sorry. Won't happen again.

- Already forgotten about it.

I can't stop thinking about it!

Like, I need to know
who this Stacey girl is,

but I have no idea how to find her!

- And I found her.

- What? How?

- Simple. Sid is friends with Hannah,

so I found her account,
went to her tagged photos,

scrolled back until I found a pic of
Hannah with a Staceycakes92

where both S's are dollar signs.
But Staceycakes is obvi gay,

so I started looking for girls who comment
on Hannah's posts a lot,

and found a Stacey Fletcher,

who always says Hannah's outfits are fire.

So, I clicked on her IG,
scrolled back a couple of years,

and boomshakalakaboom.

Sophie meet Stacey,

or Stacey circa two years ago
when she was dating Drew.

- How many boardwalks
did they eat ice cream on?

This is not what I needed
to see right before Drew and I

have sex for the first time.

- You haven't had sex yet?

So, that's why you nerds were so giggly
about your romantic weekend.

- Yeah. And I like that we waited.

Plus, doing it for the first time
in a bougie-ass hotel

is romantic as balls.

Now, I'm just gonna be comparing
myself to Stacey the whole time

and thinking about how she can
roller skate backwards in a sun dress.

- Soph, everyone has exes.

Do not get in your head about this.

Repeat after me.

I... am...

sex.

- I... am... sex.

- Louder.

I! Am! Sex!

- I! Am! Sex!

We get it! You're sex! Shut the hell up!

- Voilà! A dining table.

- Ellen, are we eating on Amazon boxes
covered in your unicorn bed sheets?

- Pottery Barn Kids is way cheaper
than Pottery Barn regular.

Is that all the food?

- Unfortunately, yes.

I may have overestimated
how far a bartender's paycheck would go.

- Why didn't you just buy cheaper stuff?

- Cheaper stuff?
What do you want me to do,

serve chunks of pepper jack
and pigs in a blanket?

This is the first dinner
we're hosting, Ellen.

Tonight will set the tenor
for our entire social lives.

- Dude, we're eating dinner
with my brother and your girlfriend

on a table made of boxes.

- Oh my god, they're here already!

Alright, Ellen.
Remember, we are the hosts.

If we're having fun,
they're having fun.

Ready?

Hello!

Ellen was just telling me
the most winning of anecdotes.

Come in! Come in!

- Uh, guys, this is Mia.

Mia, this is Charlie,
and this is my sister Ellen.

Mia. Hi.

It is so nice to meet you.
For the first time.

- Oh, is that real leopard?

- No, this is a shirt

with a design on it.

- Still, how would you feel
if I had your skin printed on a shirt?

- Mia is an activist.

She's really passionate about her causes,

which I find to be really inspiring.

- Mia! I would like to give you the tour.
Uh...

This is the living-dining-kitchen-
guest-bed-breakfast-nook-foyer-room,

and over here is...

:
Hello, Mia.

- Hello, woman who never responded
to my many voice texts

after using me for sex.

- Shh...
- Oh, it is you!

I was drinking an iced coffee,

and you shouted at me for using a straw
even though it actually was made of paper.

- Shh! Look,

I think it would be best
if Jesse doesn't find out...

we...
- Oh, I'm not comfortable lying.

I leave that to the politicians.

- Please. He's coming off
a really bad breakup.

If he finds out that the first girl
he's been into since his ex

slept with his sister...

:
it'll scar him for life.

- Plus, this is our first
social event together,

and a brother and sister
having shared a lover is a bit unseemly.

- Fine. I'll keep your secret,

but only because I would
never want to hurt Jesse.

You are lucky I'm an empath.

- Disaster averted. Now,

shall we give everyone their one oyster?

- Welcome to Creation at Wicker Farm.

I'm Grant Rose.

The owner.

- Uh, yeah, no, I could tell.
Um, I own a bar in Manhattan.

We both have BOE--
Big owner energy.

- Creation

is the world's first
hyper-local restaurant.

All of our food is sourced from the farm,

but everything else you see here

was also made from materials
found on the property.

- Wow! So, the-the entire building?

- Built from cedar trees
from the forest behind us.

- What about the host?

You didn't make him?

- Actually, I did. He's my son!

Oh!

Conceived in the room
you're actually staying in.

- Kinda gross.

- This place is super romantic.

Hope our room has the same vibe.

- I know it will
'cause we're staying in it.

I am sex...

Wait a sec.

He took Stacey here.

What nerd created this devil app?

- I am very excited for this risotto.

- Why? You had it before?

- No, just hungry.
- Oh.

I only ask because
I-I saw you walk to the... bathroom,

and it seemed like you
really knew your way around.

- Hm. Well, I've never been here,

but I'm glad to know you like
to watch me walk away.

- I like cute butts, and I cannot lie.

- Sid, I am definitely
picking up on your BOE.

- Oh my god, BOE is happening...

- What made you decide
to open your own place?

- Well, I grew up in India,
and like all good Indians,

my dad and I spent
our afternoons watching

movies about New York City.

So, my family moved to New York,

I studied hard, got into med school.

That's where Hannah and I met.

She was born to be a doctor.

Me?

Not so much.

But, I did love the bar
where I spent hours and hours studying,

and I loved the man who owned it.

Archie.

And then one day...

Archie passed away,

and suddenly, what I had to do
was crystal clear.

So, I took out a loan and bought the bar.

It was a big swing,
but felt like the right decision

And, uh,

Hannah supported me the entire time.

- Hm. Of course I did.

Wow, what an incredible story.

And equally incredible,

our lobster risotto...

with an edible fork...

made of focaccia.

- Wait a second.

- Everything okay?
- Mm-hmm!

- I remember those sheets...
- Shut up, shut up, shut up.

- Everyone, please pluck one leaf

and pass it to the left.

So, a pluck...

and pass. Give it a go.

I tell you, I do feel sorry
for Sophie and Sid.

They are missing
the party of the century.

I said one leaf, Mia.

- I hope Sophie's doing okay.

She was really in her head
about Drew's ex before she left.

I wish she was more... Zen.

Like Charlie. He doesn't care
at all when I talk about my exes.

- No, not at all.

Now, is anyone following
the Polo Premier League?

- My relationship history is an open book.

Books, actually.

And it's a long one.

- Actually, Valentina, I hate it, alright?

Really? Why?

I wouldn't care if you talked
about your exes at all.

- Alright, fine.

Remember when you were
looking through my passport,

and I said I went to Brazil
on a family trip?

Well, I lied. I went there for a girl.

Ooh...

- So, you had a fling
with a woman in Brazil.

Good for you.

- Actually, it was a bit more than that.

I moved to Brazil... to be with her.

Ooh...

- Oh.

So, I'm not the only woman
you've moved to another country for.

Cool.

Fun.

More wine, anyone?

- Let's prove you're lying,
you lying liar.

Ha! I knew it.

Of course, Stacey's handwriting's
in cursive.

We get it. You're smart.

- And that is the entire
Wikipedia entry on colonialism.

- Wow.

- Wow.

- Hey, just a few of super-chill
follow-up questions

to that fun story you told
about the Brazilian girl...

- Valentina, I was just proving a point
that nobody likes to hear about exes.

Okay? No need to dwell on it.

- I don't care that you have exes.

I care that, apparently,
you moved across the world

for another girl.
- Girls, okay?

It's happened more than once.

- What?!

- Jesse?

I don't want our relationship
to start on a lie like theirs did.

I slept with your sister.

- What?!
- Damn it!

- That dinner was amazing.

I mean, I think we found our venue, huh?

- Did you just rent a movie
without asking me which one?

- What? I got the Eternals because your
celebrity crush is buff Kumail Nanjiani.

Hold up.

You definitely have a type.

- I cannot believe you just made another
decision without consulting me!

- Okay, this is not
about the movie, is it?

- No, Sid.

This is about you quitting medical school,

so you could upend our lives
and buy a bar.

I thought I was past it,
but hearing you tell that story tonight,

it just brought up
all these old feelings in me.

I never would have made a decision
like that without talking to you.

- Hannah,
I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, but,

like, what's done is done.

- "What's done is done"?

That's what you have to say?

- What's done is done...

please?

- I am gonna freshen up real quick,
so our night...

can begin.

That was so lame. Can I take that back?
- Uh-huh.

- Great. See you soon.

:
You're an idiot! Be sexier.

- Well, Drew definitely
brought Stacey here,

and he's lying to me about it.

- Are you drunk?

- The only thing
I'm drunk on is hard truth.

I'm sending you proof.

Did you get it?

- Not yet.

- Oh, no.

I meant to DM you, but instead,
I DMed Stacey.

Oh god, oh god, oh god, she's definitely
gonna reach out to Drew

and tell him I'm crazy!

- Almost as crazy as someone who follows

women around the world,
like a horny Carmen San Diego!

So, what are you going to do about Drew?

- Something stupid.

- Hey, there...

- Sophie? What are you doing out here?

- I screwed up.

What are you doing out here?

- I screwed up, too.

Oh!

- Ooh, seems like you screwed up more.

Oh, you screwed up more! Ha, ha!

- Sorry, I'm just trying to...

wrap my head around this. Uh...

when exactly did the two
of you sleep together?

- Monday night. When did you guys meet?

- Tuesday morning.

I met her at a coffee shop
on my way to your place.

Hi.

- Hi.

- Okay, that timeline is, uh...

chill.

You know what, I'm not gonna
let a... quirky coincidence

stand in the way of
me and my relationship.

- Wow, you must be amazing in bed.

- She's just okay.
- I haven't actually slept with her yet.

Oh my god!

So...

let's do a deep dive here
on the old passport.

I say a country,
you say why you went there.

Portugal.
- Girl.

- Spain.
- Tapas.

It was a girl.

- Hey, what's your Wi-Fi?

I need to tweet a bomb threat
to Panera Bread

for their appropriation of poppy seeds.

- How do you appropriate a seed?

- Oh, if you don't know,
you're part of the problem.

- I can't do this anymore.
Mia, you are the worst.

- Finally! How did you not see it earlier?

- I saw it!
I'm just trying to power through

'cause I'm so sick of being single!

It should be me at that dinner tonight.

- Because you miss hanging out
with Sid and Hannah,

or because you wanna be with Sophie?

- What?

The first one, obviously.

- I don't know who any
of those people are. I'm outtie.

- I'm gonna go, too, Charlie.
- Look, please don't leave like this.

Look, I-I swear you're not
just part of some pattern.

Alright, this time, it really is diff--
- I don't believe you.

- What am I gonna do?

I need to get into Drew's phone
to delete Stacey's texts

before he sees them
and realizes I did something crazy!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

what just happened?
- Hm.

- Why did the texts disappear?

- Yeah, Drew probably read them
on his laptop.

- This is so unfair!

He's the one who lied about being here,

and now, I look like the psycho.

- Okay, Sophie...

I don't know exactly what's going on
with you and Drew,

but you don't need to worry about Stacey.

Stacey's just an ex.
Everyone has an ex.

- Not me.

I mean, I've dated a ton of guys,

but I've never...

actually been in a serious relationship.

It always fizzles out
before it gets to that point.

- Well, at least you don't
steamroll your partner

by making major life decisions
without consulting her.

- Is that why you're out here, buying an
apology Kit Kat from the vending machine?

- Guilty.

Yeah, apparently Hannah hasn't forgiven me

for derailing our life plan by
buying a bar without asking her.

- Why didn't you? Ask her?

- I don't know.

I spent the first 27 years of my life
trying to make my parents happy.

Then I met Hannah,
I wanted to make her happy, too.

And with the bar, I just finally
wanted to do something

that would make me happy.

And I knew if I didn't just, like,
propel my body to that bank

and apply for that loan,
I'd end up chickening out.

You know?

- Do you think if you had
asked Hannah first,

that she wouldn't have supported you?

- Ah, she would have.

Definitely would have.
Messed up.

Hey, I know it's super scary to go
all-in on a relationship.

And, from what I know
about your childhood,

you probably feel like the rug could be
ripped out from under you at any second.

- Yeah.

I do.

- But, if it's the right person...

things can work out.

I promise.

- Let's go talk to our people.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey! Hey, now!

You're seriously gonna go back there
without a peace offering Kit Kat?

You really haven't been in a relationship.

- Listen.

I have known for a very long time

that I've had to escape
from my petty, stifling family.

And, yes, I have often
followed women across the world

as a way of doing that.

But it's never felt right.

Until now.

And I've figured out how
I'm gonna prove it to you.

- What are you doing?!

- I'm proving to you that you
are not just part of some pattern.

I'm not going anywhere, Valentina.

Oh my god, this is really hot!

- What the hell is your
passport made out of?!

- I soaked it in lighter fluid
on the way over.

I was going for high drama!

- That was... sweet.

Look, just so you know,

I wouldn't usually spiral
in such a lame basic way

about you having exes. There were...

extenuating circumstances.

- What were they?

- I...

...love you.

- I love you, too.

- From now on,

I want you to be a part of
every big life decision I make

until we die together at 98.

Mid-penetrayshe.

- Thank you.

But you know,
I don't wanna die mid-penetrayshe.

I want us to die drinking
Cadillac margaritas

on safari because our IRAs
are so well-funded.

- Well,

both of those things can be true.

Man, we are gonna ruin
so many people's safari.

I'm sorry.

- Me first.

I'm sorry I stole your phone

and called your ex a bitch.

- And I'm sorry for lying
to you about having been here.

I just didn't want to explain
how I got into, like,

a huge blowout fight
with Stacey at the same place

we're having a romantic weekend.

- According to the Gram,

and the guest book,

you guys had the best night of your lives.

You even did that thing where you touch
index fingers with your thumb,

so you can make a heart.

That's hard to do.
My god, do I have early-onset arthritis?

- Can I show you something?

Zoom in on her sunglasses.

Yeah, we got into a huge fight at dinner

about how 90% of our relationship

was spent posing for photos.

It was the worst trip ever,

and I went to Fyre Festival.

Stupid Ja Rule.

- Well, I know how we can turn this place

from a bad memory into a good one.

And right there, in that hotel room, he--

- Mom!
- What?

Can you please not
graphically describe your sex life to me?

- Prude!