All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S09E13.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Back in the '80s,
my mom was a master consoler.

Following my breakup
with Brea,

she was gearing up
for a smothering tsunami
of sympathy.

Good morning, Beverly.

I'm here to pick up Murray
for our new carpool.

Oh, he already left.

But I bought doughnuts
and readied two
conversation starters,

like, "What did you do
this past weekend?"

and the more adventurous,
"What are you doing
this upcoming weekend?"

Nothing and nothing.

But I'm glad you're here.

Does this sweater seem
soft and cozy enough
to heal a boy's heartache?

What are we talking about?
Adam and his girlfriend
broke up.

Oh, no!
Brea Bee and Adam G.
were the gold standard.

I'm swooping in
to cushion the blow

with kissies
and my custom-made
hugging sweater,

with decorative tissues
for when the tears start.

Mornin', folks!
What a beautiful day
in Jenkintown,

the Paris of the
Montgomery County
flood basin.

Go ahead.
Sob away the pain.

Let my body
restart your heart
with its warmth.

Gah! How do you generate
so much heat?
And what are you doing?

Soothing your
teenage emotions.

I'm okay.
Adam, you don't have to
pretend to be brave with me.

Come on. Rest your face
in my nooks and crannies.

No!

And I'm not brave,
I'm notoriously a coward.

I have seven night lights.

And just FYI, Brea's on
her way here right now.

How dare she!

Well, don't worry.
I'll avenge your pain

by calling out
her blotchy skin
and limp hair.

I don't know, Beverly.
The boy seems fine.

I am!

Everyone talks about
how hard breakups are,

so instead, we decided
to cut right to us
being friends.

Ugh! You are totally
in denial!

Or am I incredibly evolved

and can easily navigate
modern romance?

There needs to be
a mourning period

where you stay
at home with me
and watch soap operas,

and then I remind you
of how special you are

by writing on your tummy
with my invisible finger pen.

What an incredibly
tempting offer
for a voting-age man.

But no!

Morning, pal!

Good morning, old chum!

Ready to get to school
and begin

a platonic day
of friendship together?

I'd like nothing more.
This feels right, compadre.

Homeboy, homeslice,
homeskillet.

This totally works.
Hang on a sec.

Adam, let's make her jealous

by showing her
how you can stand on my feet,

and we'll walk
into the kitchen.

I just forgot my coat.

Brea, look away!

Come on, stand
on Mama's feet.
Here we go.

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was February,
1980-something,

and Barry and Erica
were at the Schwartz house,

gearing up for
a romantic Valentine's Day.

Or so they thought.

Happy Valentine's Week,
Goldbergs!

"Week"?

It's not just a day?

It's just we love love.

Gross.
Weird.

Great news, my dove.
I have an especially romantic
evening planned for us

that will be sure to warm
the cockles of your heart.

Geoffrey, what did I tell you
about saying "cockles"
in front of Barry?

It's too late.
I heard it.

And do I spy something
adorable and fuzzy for me?

You shouldn't have!

Oh, I actually didn't...

"A cuddly bear
for the cuddliest sister
a brother could have"?

Ooh! Looks like someone's
got her mitts on my annual
Valentine's bear

from my sweet bro!

Happy Valentine's
Week, sis!

Oh, and don't think
that I forgot about you.

Oh! Cool!
Driving gloves!
Yeah.

Hope they don't turn me
into Mario Andretti!

I think it'll be okay.
You haven't made a left turn
in three years.

That's true.
So, you guys exchange
Valentine's gifts?

Oh, yeah.
Yeah.

Valentine's is a big event
in this house.

The biggest! Oh!

This is obviously bizarre
and unsettling.

Barry, let's not judge.

I mean, secretly we will,
but for now,

we'll pretend
it's totally innocent

and not shaking me
to my core.

Is that amor I hear
in the air?

It's Valentine's Week!

Bring it in,
my cherubs!

Mwah!

Mwah!
Mwah!

JoJo, let's go
help your mom

with her special
Valentine breakfast!

What the hell, dude?

I don't wanna be mean,
but you and your family
are straight-up freaks!

That's incredibly mean,
and why?

Dude, who's
a better kisser,
your sister, my sister?

It's a trick question.
It's your father.

I'm dying.

I think you even enjoyed
smooching them.

Your dad definitely did,
his eyes twinkled.

Of course he did. He loves us
and wants to express it.

Big time. "Geoffrey!
Bring your puffy
mouth pillows over here!

"Your father wants
everyone's smackers to meet!"

Okay, that's
incredibly accurate
in voice and demeanor,

but the words
are all wrong.

I wanna do Lou.
Please don't.

"Geoffrey, I demand we go
to first base as a family!"

"Geoffrey,
canoodle with your father!"

"Geoffrey,
bite my neck a little.

"Let me know
that you're flirty
but dangerous!"

Okay. That seems
way too far.

And yet
there's still more.

"Geoffrey, we're both eye men,
but today we become lip men!

"Come give your papa
some action!"

That's your father!

He gives you affection!

While Barry and Erica
were giving Geoff grief,

Brea and I had found happiness
in our new friendship.

I gotta be honest,
I was a smidge nervous

about us going
right from dating
to friends,

but this breakup has been
the easiest.

Totally! Because this way,
we can still hang together.

So how do friends
say goodbye?

Uh, is a hug too much?
Hard to know.

But how'd
you feel about a firm
and consensual handshake?

I'd say,
put 'er there, Jack!

Jack!
The nickname to John.

Not sure why,
but strong and masculine,

like this simple,
everyday toodle-oo.

Now it's slightly
less masculine.

That's what I do, Jack.

Yep, it was gonna be easy.

Until it immediately wasn't.

Oh, balls!

We completely forgot
tomorrow is Valentine's Day!

Damn it! I gotta go.

I'll see you in P.E.
for square dancing.

Mama will make it better.
Gah!

Where did you come from?

A good mama's always
just a few meters
behind her babies.

I don't think that's right.

And why meters?

Now let's just get you home
into a warm bubble bath,

then we'll snuggle
under an afghan for two,

and then I'll fill your tummy
with Sleepytime tea,

which I will blow on.

You paint
an inviting picture.

But, no, you know,
even though it's
Valentine's Day tomorrow,

I'll survive.

Survive?
Nonsense!

You will thrive!

By spending it
with your first
and greatest love.

Me.
Nah.

I'll just find something else
to distract me.

Well, tomorrow is also
Florence Henderson's
birthday.

The mom from
The Brady Bunch?

How do you know that?
I know the birthdays

of every great mother
in history.

That scarily tracks.

I guess celebrating
Florence Henderson's b-day

is one way
to keep my mind busy.

Her mom mullet
and winning smile

will fill your heart more
than Brea ever could.
Whatever.

There ya go.

While my mom
was trying to make
Valentine's Day disappear,

Barry was excited to reveal
what he knew about Geoff.

JTP!
JTP.

Why are you milling about
like it's cocktail hour
at a wedding?

I called
an emergency meeting.

Yeah, Bar, you use the word
"emergency" very loosely,

so we've decided to not live
our life in constant fear.

But this really is
a deadly emergency.

Deadly hilarious.

Just, uh, go ahead
and say all the crazy things

you're gonna say.
Thank you!

While at the Schwartzes',
I witnessed an abomination.

Mm, they still
haven't replaced
that lime-green sectional?

Way worse. They were
all over each other.

Kissing, hugging.

Geoff even planted a smooch
on his own sister.

Aw!
Exactly.

Although you're saying "ew"
wrong, Matt Bradley.

I don't think I am.

Geoff! That's your cue
to come out of the bathroom!

Hi! I was told you guys
have a present for me?

The present
of merciless insults.

Go ahead!

Tease him till he pees
or weeps or both.

I'm not gonna
tease my friend
until he soils himself.

Why not?
He locked lips with his dad

like he was Bo Derek
on a beach.

It was a peck
of familial love.

He admitted it!
I don't know, Bar.

I mean, all of us have
pretty good relationships
with our families.

My sister
is my best friend.

I tell her things I wouldn't
even tell you guys.

We even have
a secret language.

Well, not that secret.
It's Spanish.

And the Cogans
are a tiny people,

but our hugging arms
are huge.

I don't have a sister,
but, uh, if I did,
we'd hold hands.

Sometimes I draw us together.

The family therapist
recommended stopping.

A sibling isn't
someone you love,

it's a rival
for your mother's affection

and your father's apathy.
Read a book.

No, a sibling is
the one person you know

who will always have your back
through thick and thin.

Your parents aren't gonna be
around forever, Bar.

But your siblings
are gonna be there
for the rest of your life.

Don't you want that kind
of closeness with Erica?

No! And stop making me
the weirdo here.

Bar, when was the last time
you and Erica

showed each other any type
of real affection?

Or hugged?

Or told each other,
"I love you"?

Usually we're
too busy squabbling.

Her specialty
is vicious insults,

and mine is hiding
outdoor objects in her bed.

Maybe you should think
about changing that.

Because later in life,

your siblings are gonna be
all you got.

As Barry was learning
some hard truths,

I was finding out
just how hard

staying friends with Brea
could be.

Scandalous news!

You know how you and Brea
decided to be friends?

I'm fairly aware,
Dave Kim.

I think Brea's moved on
faster than you.

I intercepted this note
Walls and her

were passing back and forth
in history.

Why is it sticky?

I spilled marmalade
on it.

Why are you eating marmalade
in class?

Just read the note.

"Hey, do you wanna go
to the Valentine's dance..."

The jam obscured
the rest.

Marmalade's not a jam.

Sure, it combines
the sweetness of a jam

with the bitterness
of citrus peel...

Enough marmalade talk,
Dave Kim!

Brea and Walls are clearly
going to the dance together.

I don't believe it.

No? Do you believe that?

But isn't Walls going out
with Sydney?

You mean that Sydney?

Tears!

Walls broke up with her!

Dang,
Brea gets after it.

No, she doesn't.

But, also,
it appears that she does.

Well, two can play
at that game.

If Brea can move on
that fast,

then Adam Goldberg
is gonna show he can
move even faster.

Sydney! Wait up!

You guys hear?

Sydney ran over a rabbit
with her VW Rabbit.

Hmm. There's irony
all around us.

I just want to say I heard,
and I'm so sorry.

That's sweet of you.
It's been tough.

I just went through
the same thing.

You did?

I can't even look
at my car anymore.

Because it reminds you
of him?

And his cute little
puffy tail.

Yeah.

That sounds
super specific to you.

But, hey, you're gonna swerve
into this skid.

Such an odd and insensitive
turn of phrase,
but I guess so.

Sometimes the best thing to do
in these moments

is to have some fun.

Fun? Right now?

Or tomorrow night.

That's why we're gonna hit
the dance together.

But how will that make me
feel better about the rabbit?

Is that your nickname
for Walls?

Adam, what are you doing?

I'll tell you
what I'm doing...

I'm taking Sydney
to the Florence
Henderson dance.

The hell you are!

Easy now, Rabbit.

I figured, if you two
are going, then so are
Sydney and I.

Walls and Sydney
aren't broken up.

But the sticky
confusing note!

I heard that you two
had broken up,

so I asked Brea to join us

so she wouldn't be alone
on Valentine's Day.

Wow.

You're a good egg,
Walls.

I see what you
see in him, Syd.

I'm starting to think
you didn't kill
a rabbit, too.

And I'm starting to think
I have no idea what's
going on here.

Well, know this,
You're a bag
of ass, Goldberg.

You know it!

You know, I thought
we could be friends,

but I don't even want to be
near you right now.

Adam, good news.

I was wrong
about the note.

I know, Dave Kim!

After I made things
worse with Brea,

my mom was determined
to make things better for me.

I'm so confused.
Why am I here?

You have been accepted
for semester at sea.

Congratulations.
Whoo-hoo!

You did it, girl!

The oceans
are your playground.

Semester at sea?
I applied for this
two years ago.

Well, yes, and I just
happened to find it
in your personal file,

so I did you the service of
updating and resubmitting it.

You know, typical
Quaker Warden activities.

You want me
to travel the world now?

In the last three months
before I go to college?

Bon voyage!

Oh, you're gonna have
such a good time

away from this school
and all the pain and suffering

you've been causing.
I get it.

You just want to make me
sail the seven seas

so your schmoopie
doesn't have to see me.

What an outrageous
accusation!

Get your life
together, Brea!

Perhaps on
a research vessel called

the, uh... Oh!
Polar Queen.

I'm not shipping out
my senior year.

I should probably have
more information

before I call students
in here.

There she is.

The girl who loves
to forgive and forget.

Don't, Adam.

Do you know what your mom
just tried to pull?

Hopefully her hamstring
so she wasn't able

to make it in today
to do whatever it is
she clearly did.

She just tried to ship me off
to the North Pole.

That's a real place?
Oh, my God.

I don't know anything
about Christmas.

Why would you put
a tree inside?

This is not working.

What?

We can still
figure it out.

I wish that was true.

There's nothing I want more
than to have you in my life,

but it's just
not meant to be.

While Brea and I had
never been further apart,

Barry was trying
to get closer to Erica.

Oh, hello.

I was about to enjoy
a civilized English tea.

Care to join me?
Why would I voluntarily
spend time with you?

Ha! Our playful teasing
speaks to a deep affection,
doesn't it?

Come on,
park your loveliness.

Whatever.
Crumpet me.

Shall we engage in
the art of conversation?

Just say your thing
while I house this bad boy.

Well, I just feel like
we haven't connected
in a while.

"Haven't connected"?
We've never connected.

Unless you count the time
that my elbow connected

with your ribs because
you smeared peanut butter
on my curling wand.

Trying to heat up
that Jif

was a rare miss
on my part.

But let's not let that
stand in the way

of sharing
our feelings now.

Top off your "shamo-mile"?

It's "cam-o-meal,"
ya dope.

And what's the game here?

When's the big reveal coming
that I drank hot sauce

and butt crumbs?

Nothing's coming
but conversation
and sibling intimacy.

I'm onto you.

Geoffrey!

I need love advice.

Well, you're dating my sister,
so I can only go so far,

but my main tip
is something I call
the across-the-room wink.

No, not to woo Joanne,
who I attend
to effortlessly.

I'm talking about Erica.

Oh.

And, oh?

There's my fella.

What's the deal?
Thank God!

A reasonable person.

Erica and I need
what you two have.

We need to reconnect.
Tonight.

But it's Valentine's Day.

I've been
planning something
for Erica for months,

so maybe it can wait?

Nonsense! Barry's
gonna take your expensive

and non-refundable date.

Yay!
Yay?

Thank you, Geoff.
But also, you're welcome.

I've given you
the gift of being able
to give a gift to me.

Bet it feels pretty good.
Really doesn't.

While Barry set off
to find closeness with Erica,

I was as far from happy
as I'd ever been.

Schmoo?

Oh!

Honey, are you bored?

Do I need to buy you
more toys?

No. I just don't have the will
to get on the bed.

Come on. Get up.

I guess you're mad.

No.

I had already screwed it up
with her 900 ways before that.

Well, what are you gonna do
with your night?

I'm gonna get a head start
on feeling a void

in the center of my being
for the rest of my life.

You can't just give up
on life.

We're going out.

Sure.

Now, why aren't you
fighting me

with every fiber
of your being?

What difference
does it make?

I'm never
gonna be happy again.

You might as well enjoy
whatever weird, screwy thrill

taking your son
on a Valentine's Day
date gives you.

That is the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.

Glad I could make
one person happy.

And so, dead to the world,
I limped along

to the greatest
Valentine's date ever,

for my mom.

This is the best!

But you know what would
make it even better?

If you snuggled with me
under this blanket.

Whatever.

Just do
your terrible things.

Alright, enough,
Buster Brown.

I gave you a magical evening,
and you're still moping?

Maybe that's
because I'm on
a Valentine's Day date

with my mother!

Mother? Whoa!

Okay, that's the ride.

I'm sorry. I thought
tonight could be
a distraction for you.

Nothing can distract me
from the pain
I'm in right now.

I know breaking up
is misery,

And I'd do anything to take
that pain away for you.

And the worst part is,

we still desperately
want to be together.

You do?

Yes! It's just,
in three months,

we're going
to different colleges.

No matter what,
we're doomed.

Adam, you want her,
she wants you.

Throw caution
to the wind

and enjoy the next
three months together!

But isn't that
just delaying the pain?

The next three months
could mean everything.

I mean, that's how much time
I have left with you.

I...

I never considered that.

Well, I have.

A lot.

I guess it's why
I forced you out tonight.

So you're just gonna enjoy
every last minute

even though you know
the pain is inevitable?

You're damn right I am.

And you should, too.

Are you saying
I should go to her?

I'm saying
we should go to her.

Hyah! Hyah!

As my mother was hijacking
a horse-drawn carriage...
Whoo!

...Barry was hijacking
Erica's Valentine's date

in a different carriage.

Aw! I had a feeling
this was my surprise.

The real surprise
is it's me.

Barry?

Wait. Is this a part
of my date?

Did Geoff plan for you
to escort me

to the adventure
that awaits?

It's a bad start,
but I'm still excited.

That's exactly
what's happening.

Hop in, sis.

Driver!

Love awaits.

Speaking of,

we love each other, right?
Huh?

Sure, we fight often
and vigorously,

but beneath all that,

there's real caring,
wouldn't you say?

I would say we should
just stay silent until
we get to Geoff.

Definitely.

Until then,
some pretty flowers for
your sniffing pleasure.

Are these
from Geoff or you?

Does it matter?

A lot.

Then perhaps an elegant box
of assorted chocolates?

What?
Again, from you?

There's a map in there
that tells you what's what.

Also, I ate three
because I'm super nervous.

Nervous?
What are you planning?

Just to share
my fondness for you.

Ew! Get off!

I don't want to hold
your gross, sweaty fingers!

I love you!

Okay? Tell me
you love me!

No! What is going on?

Forget it!

Horsey Man,
stop the horsey!

Barry, what is
your problem?

Everyone else loves
their siblings,

but all we have is
a lifetime of pranks

and reading
each other's diaries.

You've read my diary?

Every boring word.

But what does it matter?

It's not like we're
gonna be in each
other's lives anymore.

Hyah! Hyah!

We're a supremely
up family.

Yep, wild horses
couldn't keep me from Brea.

But a tired horse
definitely could.

Hyah! Hyah!

It's clearly out of gas.

It's not used to running
that far on the highway.

This is not the dramatic
and romantic ending

I wanted for you.

Don't worry.
You got me this far.

I can do the rest.

Go, sweetie, go!

Thank you, Mama.

And just know,
I may go off to college,

but me and you
are never breaking up!

♪ You keep sayin'
that it's over ♪

Why are we celebrating the mom
from The Brady Bunch?

What does it matter?

Even those giant posters
of Carol Brady's head

can't change that this is
a really romantic dance.

Are you okay?

Not really.

I just, I can't believe
I'm not here

with the guy I love.

Well, maybe he's closer
than you think.

Oh. Oh, no, no, no.

Dave Kim, you're
a really great friend,
but...

I meant
that Adam's here!

Adam, why are you here?

For you.

We went over this.
I know.

We can't be friends.

But I don't want to.

Well, then what?

I want you back.

All of you.

For as long as we have.

But...
No buts.

Brea, I love you!

And I don't want to miss out
on a single second with you
while we're still here.

What are you thinking?

This.

♪ So now I come to you

♪ With open arms

♪ Hoping you'll see
what your love means to me

♪ Open arms ♪

Why do you smell
like horses?

Remember when you said my mom
couldn't surprise you anymore?

♪ Living without you ♪

Thought you'd be here.

Just looking
at old photos of us.

I remember
that backyard pool.

Dad was furious because
he had to inflate it
by mouth.

Had to lie down
for two days after.

Okay, you're right.

We don't have
a perfect relationship,

but there's a good reason.

What's that?

You and I are
a lot like Dad.

It's tough for us to let
our guard down
and show we care.

Yeah.

That's why I thought
it'd be nice to try for once.

So what if we start
right now?

Is this a prank?

No prank.
Just bring it in.

♪ Nothing to hide

♪ Believe what I say

But we will
never kiss, though.

Oh, God, no!

We were right
about that part.

Those Schwartzes
are freaks.

Love is
something to celebrate,

whether it's for your family
or for that special someone.

♪ What your love means to me

♪ Open arms ♪

Because even if you don't know
what the future holds,

sometimes it's okay
to enjoy today.

You know what would make
tonight extra special?

Oh, please
don't do what I think
you're definitely gonna do.

"Geoffrey! Pretend
I'm Richard Dawson

"and you're
an entire lady family!"

"Geoffrey, the bottle's
pointing at Papa again!"

"Geoffrey! Drive me
to the overlook in your van

"for some light necking!"

"Geoffrey, I just popped
in a Certs

"and a Luther Vandross
cassette."

How would it feel if I did
an impersonation of your mom?

"Schmoopie-poopies!
I made you in my body,

"and I can't get enough
snuggies and huggies!"

Hello, Geoffrey.
Ahhh!

You think the affection
I have for my children

is something to be mocked?

What's your
problem, dude?

Not cool.
That's our mom.