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1
00:02:19,098 --> 00:02:22,559
Well, this is pretty much
the grossest thing I've seen.
2
00:02:26,313 --> 00:02:28,314
No, ma'am. It's actually
a lot better than that.
3
00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:31,609
Let me, let me pull something up
on my computer really fast.
4
00:02:31,610 --> 00:02:32,944
Oh, there it is.
5
00:02:32,945 --> 00:02:36,281
Um, did you know that
nine out of ten doctors
6
00:02:36,282 --> 00:02:39,867
recommend this as the
only way to quit smoking?
7
00:02:39,868 --> 00:02:42,120
Can you hold on a second?
Fuck you! Fuck!
8
00:02:42,121 --> 00:02:44,622
Fuck you. Fuck you, fucker.
9
00:02:44,623 --> 00:02:46,457
- Hey, Tim.
- Oh, hey, Evan.
10
00:02:46,458 --> 00:02:47,834
Have you guys put
together the numbers
11
00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:49,252
for Friday's presentation yet?
12
00:02:49,253 --> 00:02:50,670
What presentation?
13
00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:52,964
Phahushe. phahushe presentation.
14
00:02:52,965 --> 00:02:55,300
0h, is that the bigger
dick thing pill...
15
00:02:55,301 --> 00:02:58,386
- Natural male enhancement, yeah.
- Right.
16
00:02:58,387 --> 00:03:00,138
- Does that thing even work?
- It totally works.
17
00:03:00,139 --> 00:03:02,724
- Heard it turns yourjunk green.
- It still works.
18
00:03:02,725 --> 00:03:04,892
Doesn't matter. It doesn't
matter if it works.
19
00:03:04,893 --> 00:03:07,687
All that matters is that we
land the account, all right?
20
00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:10,983
And then I can remove "acting"
from acting sales manager.
21
00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:13,067
Hmm, well, I'm on it, man.
22
00:03:13,068 --> 00:03:14,695
- You can count on me.
- Thank you.
23
00:03:16,947 --> 00:03:19,116
Pick it up. Pick up the gun.
24
00:03:20,909 --> 00:03:22,910
- They never...
- Tim.
25
00:03:22,911 --> 00:03:24,997
- Tim.
- I'm on a sales call.
26
00:03:25,164 --> 00:03:27,999
Ma'am, listen, if you're
not gonna buy this...
27
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:29,834
- You're gonna die.
- Shit!
28
00:03:29,835 --> 00:03:31,836
Boo! Tagged your ass, pussy.
29
00:03:31,837 --> 00:03:33,838
You, too? Mike, get to work.
30
00:03:33,839 --> 00:03:36,425
- You owe me 50 bucks.
- Shit!
31
00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:40,637
Hey, can I borrow 50 bucks?
32
00:03:44,266 --> 00:03:47,185
Hey, Evan. Sorry to be a nudge,
but you wouldn't happen to have
33
00:03:47,186 --> 00:03:50,104
that $20 you owe me for the ncaa
tournament pool, would you?
34
00:03:50,105 --> 00:03:51,814
Yeah, yeah, sure. Sorry.
35
00:03:51,815 --> 00:03:54,150
It's been such a bear
collecting from people.
36
00:03:54,151 --> 00:03:55,651
Kinda short on cash this month.
37
00:03:55,652 --> 00:03:58,154
My cat has a cleft palate
he needs surgery for.
38
00:03:58,155 --> 00:04:00,782
He's constantly lapping
milk into his eyes.
39
00:04:00,783 --> 00:04:02,117
It's really tragic.
40
00:04:05,954 --> 00:04:08,748
Okay, bada-bada-bada...
41
00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:10,333
That's baseball, dumb ass.
42
00:04:10,334 --> 00:04:12,627
Oh, I'm sorry. Did I
fuck up the rules
43
00:04:12,628 --> 00:04:14,504
of this incredibly well-defined
and professional sport
44
00:04:14,505 --> 00:04:15,588
that we just came up with?
45
00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:19,717
Yeah, I'm just saying that this
is clearly a basketball throw.
46
00:04:19,718 --> 00:04:22,011
Okay, but I'm sure someone
has thrown a baseball...
47
00:04:22,012 --> 00:04:23,596
Yeah, nobody has ever
thrown a baseball.
48
00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:25,306
- In the history of baseball...
- No adult male has.
49
00:04:25,307 --> 00:04:27,393
In the history of baseball,
major league baseball...
50
00:04:28,644 --> 00:04:31,604
- Uh, can I help you?
- Yes, thank you, actually.
51
00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:35,358
I'm supposed to be working
with Evan Sanders today.
52
00:04:35,359 --> 00:04:37,735
- Yeah, he comes in at 9:30.
- It's 10:45.
53
00:04:37,736 --> 00:04:39,570
Look, look, you can
actually see it vibrate.
54
00:04:39,571 --> 00:04:41,239
Of course, because there's
more than one element.
55
00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:43,449
So is Evan here or should
I grab a cubicle...
56
00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:45,201
You'll know when
he gets here, okay?
57
00:04:45,202 --> 00:04:46,536
He'll start
bugging you for shit.
58
00:04:46,537 --> 00:04:48,831
Now, if you need something
to do, you can get me coffee.
59
00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:51,749
- Aren't you already drinking...
- Hey, sport.
60
00:04:51,750 --> 00:04:53,084
You see that garbage over there?
61
00:04:53,085 --> 00:04:56,130
Grab it and throw it in the
dumpster in the garage.
62
00:04:56,964 --> 00:04:58,840
Don't we have a good
janitor who can do that?
63
00:04:58,841 --> 00:05:02,427
Yeah, well, his time's valuable.
Goodbye!
64
00:05:02,428 --> 00:05:05,222
- All right.
- Byeee!
65
00:05:06,849 --> 00:05:08,475
Don't waste those.
66
00:05:09,476 --> 00:05:11,561
Five-five. This is it.
67
00:05:11,562 --> 00:05:13,146
- That's the one.
- This is the one.
68
00:05:13,147 --> 00:05:14,565
- I can feel it.
- All right.
69
00:05:18,444 --> 00:05:19,570
Yes!
70
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:49,015
Identify yourself, soldier.
71
00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:52,561
Oh, uh, I'm Jack,
the new intern.
72
00:05:53,437 --> 00:05:54,937
I'm just taking out the trash.
73
00:05:54,938 --> 00:05:56,356
- Don't we have a janitor?
- You do.
74
00:05:57,900 --> 00:05:59,818
- Jerry.
- Frank.
75
00:06:01,236 --> 00:06:02,863
Follow protocol.
76
00:06:05,449 --> 00:06:07,159
It's my first day.
77
00:06:10,579 --> 00:06:11,580
Thanks for pitching in.
78
00:06:43,153 --> 00:06:45,404
- Screws up his equilibrium.
- What's up, dildos?
79
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:48,199
Hey there, Andrew.
Sorry to be a pokety Paul,
80
00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:49,492
but you wouldn't happen to have
81
00:06:49,493 --> 00:06:51,911
that money you owe me
for the ncaa pool, do you?
82
00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:53,955
- Didn't I lose that thing?
- It's not about that.
83
00:06:53,956 --> 00:06:55,999
It's about office fun.
84
00:06:56,208 --> 00:06:59,710
My cat's got a cleft palate, is
allergic to some types of air.
85
00:06:59,711 --> 00:07:01,212
- Hey, Mike.
- Fuck off!
86
00:07:01,213 --> 00:07:03,631
All right. A little early
for that kind of language,
87
00:07:03,632 --> 00:07:06,008
but tomorrow works
for me too, buddy.
88
00:07:06,009 --> 00:07:07,761
- All right, well, see you.
- See you, Dave.
89
00:07:08,595 --> 00:07:09,805
Real nice, guys.
90
00:07:10,347 --> 00:07:12,431
No one pays Dave, he's gonna
stop running the pools.
91
00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:16,519
No, he's not. It's the only way
anyone ever talks to the guy.
92
00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:17,895
Tim,
93
00:07:17,896 --> 00:07:20,690
I thought you were working
on the phallusite presentation.
94
00:07:20,691 --> 00:07:21,900
What's phallusite?
95
00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:25,736
You kidding me? Have you
guys done any work today?
96
00:07:28,156 --> 00:07:29,282
Hey, boys.
97
00:07:29,283 --> 00:07:30,866
Hey!
98
00:07:30,867 --> 00:07:34,537
Damn! For head of hr,
you look fucking sexy.
99
00:07:34,538 --> 00:07:36,498
Too kind, too kind.
100
00:07:36,748 --> 00:07:39,876
- Mandy, can we please talk?
- Don't call me Mandy.
101
00:07:43,297 --> 00:07:45,215
Andrew, how was your weekend?
102
00:07:45,424 --> 00:07:47,926
Uh, it was good.
I banged my neighbor.
103
00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:49,760
Finally. All right!
104
00:07:49,761 --> 00:07:51,721
You're talking about
the hot Ukrainian chick?
105
00:07:51,722 --> 00:07:52,931
Uh, it was actually her mom.
106
00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:55,100
- That's decent. Proud of you.
- Mandy.
107
00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:59,271
Please, can we talk privately?
Just somewhere else.
108
00:07:59,438 --> 00:08:02,524
Why? This is a
corporate break room.
109
00:08:02,691 --> 00:08:05,276
Since we just have
a business relationship,
110
00:08:05,277 --> 00:08:08,487
then, whatever it is
that you need to say to me,
111
00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:12,241
you can say in front of
all of our business associates.
112
00:08:12,242 --> 00:08:13,410
Right?
113
00:08:14,244 --> 00:08:17,164
Okay, fine. All right. Look,
what happened... what I...
114
00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:20,958
I should have said,
okay, is that...
115
00:08:20,959 --> 00:08:23,837
Hey, congratulations
on that ncaa pool.
116
00:08:25,172 --> 00:08:27,381
Yeah, thanks. You know,
I actually hate Duke,
117
00:08:27,382 --> 00:08:28,800
but they win, so...
118
00:08:33,555 --> 00:08:35,557
Well, uh...
119
00:08:37,142 --> 00:08:38,685
You guys have a great day.
120
00:08:39,895 --> 00:08:43,314
Except for you. Hope yours
is a horrible piece of shit.
121
00:08:43,315 --> 00:08:46,693
- Well, not if yours isn't first.
- Right.
122
00:08:48,153 --> 00:08:50,529
Hey, I don't want to
overstep my bounds,
123
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:52,658
but what the fuck! Jesus!
124
00:08:53,158 --> 00:08:54,450
I don't want to talk about it.
125
00:08:54,451 --> 00:08:57,703
Okay, that was just really
uncomfortable, that was like...
126
00:08:57,704 --> 00:08:59,915
I will. I know the story.
I'll totally talk about it.
127
00:09:04,002 --> 00:09:06,505
So, they're together. Just
the two of them, right?
128
00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:11,426
Evan.
129
00:09:13,303 --> 00:09:14,680
I love you.
130
00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:26,774
How could you just say no?
131
00:09:26,775 --> 00:09:28,859
You could have
said anything else,
132
00:09:28,860 --> 00:09:30,237
like literally anything.
133
00:09:30,404 --> 00:09:32,656
I can't even wrap my brain
134
00:09:32,823 --> 00:09:36,033
around the way, like,
you would say no.
135
00:09:36,034 --> 00:09:38,035
Fire! This could have
been the one time
136
00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:39,870
- you could have said fire.
- No.
137
00:09:39,871 --> 00:09:41,872
Could've called her a bitch,
that would have been better.
138
00:09:41,873 --> 00:09:43,749
- Just silence, just...
- No.
139
00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,751
You could have
spoken in tongues.
140
00:09:45,752 --> 00:09:48,838
You could have...
141
00:09:48,839 --> 00:09:51,257
- Not even English. German!
- Nein.
142
00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:54,093
I get it, okay. I get it.
I understand.
143
00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:57,346
Yes, I screwed up.
I understand that, okay?
144
00:09:57,347 --> 00:10:00,392
It just kind of came out, guys.
I don't know what happened.
145
00:10:00,976 --> 00:10:02,269
I just screwed up.
146
00:10:02,811 --> 00:10:04,186
You did screw up, man.
147
00:10:04,187 --> 00:10:07,107
She is the coolest girl ever.
148
00:10:08,233 --> 00:10:10,651
I mean, remember when she kicked
all of our asses at paintball?
149
00:10:10,652 --> 00:10:14,238
Why did she have all that
camo on her face? Unreal.
150
00:10:14,239 --> 00:10:16,408
Honestly, I bet dating her
is like dating a guy.
151
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:21,079
Who is like a hot chick that has
a, you know, like a penis.
152
00:10:23,248 --> 00:10:24,249
So, not a girl?
153
00:10:25,459 --> 00:10:28,086
No, still a girl. Did you not
listen to what I just said?
154
00:10:28,879 --> 00:10:30,588
- All right.
- No, it's a hot girl
155
00:10:30,589 --> 00:10:32,882
with a beautiful penis
but she's still...
156
00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:35,760
She just has guy parts.
157
00:10:35,761 --> 00:10:38,138
- I-I get where you're going.
- It's a feminine penis.
158
00:10:39,014 --> 00:10:41,223
What if it was
a guy with a vagina?
159
00:10:41,224 --> 00:10:42,893
He makes a good point.
160
00:10:45,604 --> 00:10:47,354
- I'm an idiot.
- Yeah.
161
00:10:47,355 --> 00:10:48,565
Yeah.
162
00:10:49,191 --> 00:10:53,820
You know, you and me,
a couple of margaritas.
163
00:10:54,362 --> 00:10:56,822
That is so offensive.
164
00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:58,449
Why? That isn't racist.
165
00:10:58,450 --> 00:11:00,576
I know it's not racist.
I like margaritas.
166
00:11:00,577 --> 00:11:03,038
I'm just offended
that you think I would date you.
167
00:11:04,790 --> 00:11:07,708
Has anyone seen Andrew? Andrew!
168
00:11:07,709 --> 00:11:10,169
Hey, Andrew, could you
please get your phone?
169
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:11,463
It's ringing off the hook, man.
170
00:11:11,630 --> 00:11:14,173
Oh, probably one of my
171
00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:17,260
man-like 15 female suitors.
172
00:11:17,719 --> 00:11:19,429
Your suitors are man-like?
173
00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:21,972
No, no, no. I mean,
man-like man!
174
00:11:21,973 --> 00:11:26,268
Not man like man-like.
You know, man like man...
175
00:11:26,269 --> 00:11:28,103
Stop saying "man-like."
176
00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:31,106
Could you get your phone?
It's probably a sales call.
177
00:11:31,107 --> 00:11:33,026
Probably a business-related
sales call.
178
00:11:33,485 --> 00:11:36,863
I'll give you the
business-related later.
179
00:11:37,906 --> 00:11:39,824
I'll talk to him, okay?
180
00:11:39,825 --> 00:11:43,620
Uh, I heard what happened
with you and Amanda breaking up.
181
00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:46,623
Oh, you heard about that?
182
00:11:46,790 --> 00:11:48,749
Yeah, well, she's
the head of hr,
183
00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:50,752
and she put out a memo.
184
00:11:55,507 --> 00:11:57,175
- Um, i-i...
- All right.
185
00:11:57,968 --> 00:11:59,427
Andrew, get the phone!
186
00:12:00,262 --> 00:12:03,431
- Evan. Can I bend your ear?
- Yeah. Hey.
187
00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:05,140
How's the presentation coming?
188
00:12:05,141 --> 00:12:06,600
You're gonna be ready by Friday?
189
00:12:06,601 --> 00:12:09,688
Yeah, Friday. Yeah, sure, Ted.
Yeah.
190
00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:11,772
Yeah, we need
this account, Evan.
191
00:12:11,773 --> 00:12:13,274
Sales have been bad,
192
00:12:13,275 --> 00:12:17,236
but if we land this fish,
you'll save all our asses.
193
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:18,237
Yeah.
194
00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:19,530
I know male enhancement
195
00:12:19,531 --> 00:12:22,241
isn't the most glamorous
product in the world but...
196
00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:25,911
No. My sources tell me
it works actually.
197
00:12:25,912 --> 00:12:27,454
Tell me if you need anything,
198
00:12:27,455 --> 00:12:29,165
'cause it's all hands
on deck on this one.
199
00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:31,041
Yeah.
200
00:12:31,042 --> 00:12:33,586
I'm making a pretty big
announcement today
201
00:12:33,587 --> 00:12:36,213
about the next phase of
our company's future.
202
00:12:36,214 --> 00:12:38,674
I need to know you're
gonna be a team player,
203
00:12:38,675 --> 00:12:40,093
no matter what.
204
00:12:41,011 --> 00:12:44,639
Yeah. Yeah, Ted.
You can count on me.
205
00:12:45,974 --> 00:12:47,683
My office, 10 minutes.
206
00:12:47,684 --> 00:12:48,727
All right.
207
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:06,493
Hey, guys. Guys, guess what?
208
00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:08,078
I think Ted's gonna
make me sales manager.
209
00:13:08,079 --> 00:13:10,080
Oh!
210
00:13:10,081 --> 00:13:11,958
Bam! Snap!
211
00:13:15,629 --> 00:13:19,049
Bam, snap. It's like, a new
catchphrase I'm trying.
212
00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:22,302
- Yeah, it's not really working.
- It's a work in progress.
213
00:13:23,261 --> 00:13:24,845
- I love it.
- Thank you, Mike.
214
00:13:24,846 --> 00:13:26,221
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
215
00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:27,848
I'm still working on
the inflection but...
216
00:13:27,849 --> 00:13:29,559
- Ted's office in 10.
- It's a catchphrase.
217
00:13:29,768 --> 00:13:31,393
I feel like everyone
needs one in the office.
218
00:13:31,394 --> 00:13:33,103
- That's why...
- Yeah, it's good though.
219
00:13:33,104 --> 00:13:36,565
Yeah. We really need to start
bringing fruit into this.
220
00:13:36,566 --> 00:13:38,276
- We can eat it.
- I'm not ready for fruit.
221
00:13:43,531 --> 00:13:46,326
Hey, Amanda. Mandy. Amanda.
222
00:13:46,701 --> 00:13:48,869
Uh, sorry. Sorry to bother you,
223
00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:51,039
but Ted wants everyone
in his office.
224
00:13:51,915 --> 00:13:55,209
He's got an announcement
to make, I guess.
225
00:13:55,210 --> 00:13:56,920
- Okay, got it.
- Okay.
226
00:13:59,422 --> 00:14:02,508
I think he's gonna
make me sales manager.
227
00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:04,260
- Is that so?
- Yeah.
228
00:14:04,970 --> 00:14:06,429
Finally get that promotion.
229
00:14:07,973 --> 00:14:10,224
It's kinda crazy.
I can't believe it.
230
00:14:10,225 --> 00:14:13,102
It is so adult.
Manager, you know?
231
00:14:13,103 --> 00:14:15,521
I feel like it was just,
you know,
232
00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:19,191
yesterday when we were
kids, just laughing
233
00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:22,028
and just saying stupid stuff.
234
00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:26,908
And now,
we're looking after the kids.
235
00:14:27,951 --> 00:14:31,245
Right? You know, I was
listening to npr this morning.
236
00:14:31,246 --> 00:14:33,373
They were talking about
the monogamy of Gibbons,
237
00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:37,292
and it's just the cutest
thing I've ever seen.
238
00:14:37,293 --> 00:14:39,629
Or heard. It was on the radio,
239
00:14:39,796 --> 00:14:42,298
but they had these sound
bites, you know? They're
240
00:14:42,924 --> 00:14:46,636
a little chirping, you know.
These sweet monkey nothings...
241
00:14:46,803 --> 00:14:48,470
Evan. I have some things to do.
242
00:14:48,471 --> 00:14:51,306
- So if you'll excuse me.
- Yeah, I'm gonna... okay.
243
00:14:51,307 --> 00:14:54,060
- Uh, check in five.
- Right.
244
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:04,069
So, I'm sorry to say
without major improvements,
245
00:15:04,070 --> 00:15:05,990
we're gonna have to start
laying some people off.
246
00:15:08,324 --> 00:15:09,826
It's time for a change.
247
00:15:10,869 --> 00:15:15,498
Corporate thinks we need
an official sales manager again.
248
00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:17,959
And I couldn't agree more.
249
00:15:18,460 --> 00:15:22,421
So I'm proud to announce
our new manager of sales,
250
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:23,798
Max Phillips.
251
00:15:26,301 --> 00:15:29,386
- No, no, no. Not Max.
- Who the hell is Max?
252
00:15:29,387 --> 00:15:30,637
What the hell is
going on right now?
253
00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:32,639
Max, Evan and I
went to college together.
254
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:33,683
It's kind of a long story.
255
00:15:33,975 --> 00:15:35,726
- Hey, Evan.
- Sup?
256
00:15:35,727 --> 00:15:38,187
- That wasn't a long story.
- No.
257
00:15:38,188 --> 00:15:41,857
Oh, did I mention that Max
slept with Evan's girlfriend,
258
00:15:41,858 --> 00:15:44,109
so Evan had Max kicked out
of school for cheating,
259
00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:45,862
so Max punched Evan in the face?
260
00:15:46,196 --> 00:15:48,405
No. You skipped all that.
261
00:15:48,406 --> 00:15:49,866
Question.
262
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:52,534
- What do we sell here?
- Shake weights.
263
00:15:52,535 --> 00:15:54,578
- Power mustaches.
- The abinatrix.
264
00:15:54,579 --> 00:15:57,289
No, Michael. We sell dreams.
265
00:15:57,290 --> 00:15:58,373
He knows my name.
266
00:15:58,374 --> 00:16:01,461
Sales is... seduction.
267
00:16:02,462 --> 00:16:04,881
And when you seduce,
268
00:16:05,090 --> 00:16:07,591
do you say, "I have a 401k"?
269
00:16:10,595 --> 00:16:11,888
You say...
270
00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:15,517
"I love you."
271
00:16:19,854 --> 00:16:22,356
Because people make
decisions from the heart.
272
00:16:22,357 --> 00:16:24,483
If you wanna sell
a bunch of useless crap
273
00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:26,486
to fat losers in Alabama
274
00:16:26,694 --> 00:16:29,238
and bored housewives in Iowa,
275
00:16:29,239 --> 00:16:31,407
feed their dreams.
276
00:16:32,158 --> 00:16:33,409
Convince them.
277
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:37,914
Their lives can transcend the
pointless slog of being human.
278
00:16:38,915 --> 00:16:42,042
Give them hope, open their eyes
279
00:16:42,043 --> 00:16:46,047
to something... bigger.
280
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:51,761
Sink your teeth into their
poor pathetic lives.
281
00:16:53,096 --> 00:16:55,056
And give them life.
282
00:16:59,435 --> 00:17:03,273
Our goal for this month is...
283
00:17:05,108 --> 00:17:06,901
One million dollars in sales.
284
00:17:07,443 --> 00:17:09,611
It's aggressive, yes,
285
00:17:09,612 --> 00:17:11,698
but I'm confident we can hit it.
286
00:17:13,408 --> 00:17:16,828
And if we don't, Ted and I
have already agreed...
287
00:17:18,663 --> 00:17:20,498
We'll be forced
to kill all of you.
288
00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:23,835
So you better do what he says.
289
00:17:26,421 --> 00:17:29,257
So, come on, let's get out
there and get selling.
290
00:17:30,842 --> 00:17:33,386
- What the hell, Ted?
- Now, hold on a minute.
291
00:17:33,845 --> 00:17:35,554
No one ever promised
you that job.
292
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:39,391
Oh, yeah, I-I know,
but Max Phillips?
293
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:42,102
He's got an mba.
He's got a great track record.
294
00:17:42,103 --> 00:17:43,645
He comes highly recommended.
295
00:17:43,646 --> 00:17:46,316
He has some very interesting
ideas for new hires.
296
00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:49,110
Honestly, we're lucky
to have him.
297
00:17:51,279 --> 00:17:53,823
How did you... of all...
298
00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:56,159
Now, this isn't gonna be
a problem, now, is it?
299
00:17:57,118 --> 00:18:00,162
- You working for Max?
- No. No!
300
00:18:00,163 --> 00:18:01,663
Of course not, I just...
301
00:18:01,664 --> 00:18:04,166
I would have liked a
legitimate crack at the job
302
00:18:04,167 --> 00:18:06,794
before you brought
in someone else.
303
00:18:08,838 --> 00:18:13,091
Look. I like you, Evan.
I really do.
304
00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:15,553
I mean, you show up
for work on time.
305
00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:17,221
You work hard.
306
00:18:17,222 --> 00:18:19,223
You legitimately give a shit.
307
00:18:19,224 --> 00:18:21,266
Thank you. I do!
308
00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:22,851
It's like I used to tell
the bench players
309
00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:24,186
back when I coached football,
310
00:18:24,187 --> 00:18:25,938
"the most important
people in the team
311
00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:28,149
"are the ones who make
the starters try."
312
00:18:28,942 --> 00:18:31,152
Now, you get out there.
There you go.
313
00:18:42,330 --> 00:18:43,915
Thank you, Jerry.
314
00:18:45,541 --> 00:18:47,542
Those are the employee
files I requested?
315
00:18:47,543 --> 00:18:50,337
Oh, yes, I think so.
316
00:18:50,338 --> 00:18:52,506
It might be helpful if you
were a little more specific
317
00:18:52,507 --> 00:18:54,424
about exactly what it is
you're looking for.
318
00:18:54,425 --> 00:18:59,054
Listen, Amanda, I know
you and Evan have a history,
319
00:18:59,055 --> 00:19:01,224
and I know that
you care about him.
320
00:19:05,895 --> 00:19:09,356
So, it's highly inappropriate
for me to discuss this...
321
00:19:09,357 --> 00:19:10,900
Sure, sure, sure.
I'll tell you what.
322
00:19:12,443 --> 00:19:16,488
After I settle in, you and I can
323
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:18,908
schedule some one-on-one
and get to know each other.
324
00:19:19,784 --> 00:19:21,327
Yeah, that sounds nice.
325
00:19:22,370 --> 00:19:24,914
- Hey, buddy.
- Um...
326
00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:27,374
Just a little hr talk.
Thanks, Mandy.
327
00:19:27,375 --> 00:19:29,210
- We'll circle...
- Hey, that's my...
328
00:19:29,460 --> 00:19:31,129
Where are you taking
fuzz aldrin?
329
00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:37,217
Fuzz aldrin, the janitor has...
Why?
330
00:19:37,218 --> 00:19:38,845
Long time no see. Am I right?
331
00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:47,602
Listen, Evan. I know you and I
had a little falling out.
332
00:19:47,603 --> 00:19:50,314
But as far as I'm concerned,
333
00:19:50,315 --> 00:19:51,858
water under the bridge.
334
00:19:52,859 --> 00:19:54,526
- Ancient history.
- Okay, good...
335
00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:56,029
It's all about the
company now, right?
336
00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:57,905
- Wait...
- I knew I could count on you.
337
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:00,282
This is mine...
338
00:20:00,283 --> 00:20:03,036
Boom shaka iaka. Who's
the noob now, bitch?
339
00:20:03,953 --> 00:20:05,412
Oh, now you wanna be
a little kid.
340
00:20:05,413 --> 00:20:07,706
Okay. Well, you can
cry a" night long
341
00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:10,083
'cause you just got your
ass whupped by a grownup
342
00:20:10,084 --> 00:20:11,461
with a big-ass dick.
343
00:20:12,754 --> 00:20:15,465
I'm gonna kill you.
344
00:20:31,606 --> 00:20:32,648
Yeah.
345
00:20:33,608 --> 00:20:36,444
Yeah. No, I'MMA fuck you up.
I'm gonna fuck...
346
00:20:38,780 --> 00:20:41,908
Yeah, I see you.
Fuckin' eat that shit.
347
00:20:42,950 --> 00:20:44,410
Hey.
348
00:20:45,495 --> 00:20:49,956
Jesus, man! You gotta fucking
warn someone before you do that.
349
00:20:49,957 --> 00:20:51,250
Office hours are over.
350
00:20:51,542 --> 00:20:54,211
Yeah, well, high-speed
Internet's free,
351
00:20:54,212 --> 00:20:56,296
and Elaine left her
souplantation in the fridge.
352
00:20:56,297 --> 00:20:59,509
So, velvet rope off
this motherfucker right here
353
00:20:59,717 --> 00:21:02,344
because this is gonna be
my own personal club tonight.
354
00:21:02,345 --> 00:21:04,013
-O.kay -oh.
355
00:21:04,180 --> 00:21:05,889
And I'm gonna be dialing
up some youjizz
356
00:21:05,890 --> 00:21:08,100
and busting out some knuckle
children in a couple of minutes
357
00:21:08,101 --> 00:21:10,894
so unless you wanna mop
me up here and here
358
00:21:10,895 --> 00:21:13,106
and here and a little bit here
359
00:21:13,314 --> 00:21:15,394
- and some over here...
- I'll go take a smoke break.
360
00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:21,572
Oh, yeah, I'm back.
Oh, are the tears back?
361
00:21:21,906 --> 00:21:24,491
Good. Yeah, take that.
362
00:21:24,492 --> 00:21:27,912
Oh. Oh-ho. I hear the
tears already coming.
363
00:21:35,586 --> 00:21:36,754
What the shit?
364
00:21:38,756 --> 00:21:40,425
I'm gonna go take a dump now.
365
00:21:42,051 --> 00:21:44,261
If anyone wanna steal
something from this company,
366
00:21:44,262 --> 00:21:46,931
I'd be gone way too long
to do anything about it.
367
00:22:19,380 --> 00:22:21,466
Hilarious, man.
368
00:22:22,425 --> 00:22:25,261
Turning the lights out
on the guy in the shitter, man.
369
00:22:26,637 --> 00:22:29,056
You must be some kind
of a prank savant, right?
370
00:22:37,815 --> 00:22:40,693
All right, man. Whoever's doing
this better knock it off.
371
00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:16,729
Colonel Sanders.
372
00:23:16,938 --> 00:23:19,481
Still hilarious.
Hey, is Mike here already?
373
00:23:19,482 --> 00:23:21,942
- His car is in the garage.
- That's a negative, sir.
374
00:23:21,943 --> 00:23:23,902
- Do you know who Mike is?
- That's a negative, sir.
375
00:23:23,903 --> 00:23:25,195
How do you know he's not here?
376
00:23:25,196 --> 00:23:26,821
I unlocked the doors
myself at 0600,
377
00:23:26,822 --> 00:23:28,908
and no unfamiliars have
penetrated my perimeter,
378
00:23:29,075 --> 00:23:30,159
I've been on full alert.
379
00:23:33,454 --> 00:23:35,540
So, full alert, huh?
380
00:23:38,918 --> 00:23:40,836
I believe I know this cat, sir.
381
00:23:45,841 --> 00:23:50,263
Okay, uh, at ease or carry on.
382
00:24:00,022 --> 00:24:01,566
Nah, I must be dreaming.
383
00:24:02,733 --> 00:24:05,653
Max called me at 6 am.
This morning to come in early.
384
00:24:06,654 --> 00:24:10,241
I haven't been up before dawn
since straight is great camp
385
00:24:11,951 --> 00:24:14,287
I wasn't gay. They just had
a really good archery program.
386
00:24:14,745 --> 00:24:16,371
All right. So you've told me.
387
00:24:16,372 --> 00:24:18,249
This situation sucks, dude.
388
00:24:18,791 --> 00:24:20,584
I mean, we gotta do
something about this, right?
389
00:24:20,585 --> 00:24:22,711
I mean, can you believe how much
they've screwed us here?
390
00:24:22,712 --> 00:24:23,837
Us?
391
00:24:23,838 --> 00:24:27,008
Yeah. I mean, I was all ready
for you to become sales manager.
392
00:24:27,383 --> 00:24:28,758
I wanted that for you, man.
393
00:24:28,759 --> 00:24:31,636
'Cause what's better than having
your best friend as your boss?
394
00:24:31,637 --> 00:24:33,013
- Yeah.
- Now then...
395
00:24:33,014 --> 00:24:34,974
I mean, I would have gotten
away with everything.
396
00:24:35,558 --> 00:24:36,767
But now...
397
00:24:38,769 --> 00:24:40,271
I mean, you get me, man.
398
00:24:40,896 --> 00:24:44,692
You know? You allow me to
be me in the workplace.
399
00:24:44,900 --> 00:24:46,443
- Useless slacker.
- Exactly.
400
00:24:46,444 --> 00:24:48,029
- Worthless.
- Yeah.
401
00:24:48,195 --> 00:24:50,448
- Gotta have one.
- I mean, look at me, man.
402
00:24:51,490 --> 00:24:52,491
Look at me.
403
00:24:55,036 --> 00:24:58,122
My perfect routine is broken.
404
00:24:59,707 --> 00:25:02,376
Yeah, you, you are
the real victim here.
405
00:25:03,836 --> 00:25:04,837
Know.
406
00:25:05,630 --> 00:25:08,966
But hey, man. You got
hosed too, kinda.
407
00:25:11,677 --> 00:25:13,012
By the way...
408
00:25:20,227 --> 00:25:24,773
No. You gotta be fucking kidding me.
This is my desk now?
409
00:25:24,774 --> 00:25:28,361
Well, officially, it's still
a photoprinter's desk.
410
00:25:29,862 --> 00:25:31,364
But you can share it.
411
00:25:34,659 --> 00:25:35,993
Do I get a chair?
412
00:25:47,588 --> 00:25:50,508
Holy fucking shit!
413
00:25:53,678 --> 00:25:56,012
We're gonna get this place
lean and mean, Theodore.
414
00:25:56,013 --> 00:25:57,973
We are gonna separate
the meat from the tallow.
415
00:25:58,182 --> 00:25:59,724
We're going...
416
00:26:01,686 --> 00:26:04,188
- Mike is fucking dead!
- What?
417
00:26:04,397 --> 00:26:06,231
Mike is dead in the
fucking bathroom.
418
00:26:06,232 --> 00:26:08,316
I went in there,
and someone ate his...
419
00:26:08,317 --> 00:26:11,027
I don't know. I just had to go.
I just needed to go.
420
00:26:11,028 --> 00:26:13,531
Jesus Christ, I'll never
take a shit again.
421
00:26:13,739 --> 00:26:16,617
Evan, Evan, slow down.
What's up now?
422
00:26:17,660 --> 00:26:18,661
Ke...
423
00:26:22,415 --> 00:26:23,833
The bathroom.
424
00:26:24,583 --> 00:26:25,793
Ted, call security.
425
00:26:27,086 --> 00:26:28,713
I still have to go.
426
00:26:31,006 --> 00:26:33,091
- Hey, frank, we have to have...
- Code one emergency.
427
00:26:33,092 --> 00:26:36,679
The forty dollars you owe me
for the ncaa tournament pool.
428
00:26:37,596 --> 00:26:40,807
I'd join ya, but I gotta
get these papers.
429
00:26:40,808 --> 00:26:42,268
Wait! Wait, wait, wait.
430
00:26:42,435 --> 00:26:44,019
Don't open the door.
431
00:26:44,186 --> 00:26:47,690
I'm-I'm sorry. I just,
I need to warn you.
432
00:26:47,857 --> 00:26:50,901
I hope you all have
strong stomachs.
433
00:26:51,527 --> 00:26:53,111
Oh, boy.
434
00:26:53,112 --> 00:26:55,656
That's disgusting.
I'll clean it again. It's...
435
00:26:56,949 --> 00:26:58,659
What? No.
436
00:26:59,660 --> 00:27:03,164
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I-I...
437
00:27:03,956 --> 00:27:08,376
I am telling you, this stall
was a fucking horror show.
438
00:27:08,377 --> 00:27:10,420
Evan, this isn't some way
439
00:27:10,421 --> 00:27:12,673
of stalling on the phallusite
presentation, is it?
440
00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:16,635
- The what? What?
- The phallusite presentation.
441
00:27:16,844 --> 00:27:18,636
It's tomorrow.
If you're not ready...
442
00:27:18,637 --> 00:27:20,139
No, no. I just... i-i...
443
00:27:20,347 --> 00:27:22,808
I'm not, I'm not ready yet,
all right? I'm not...
444
00:27:23,017 --> 00:27:25,060
It will be ready, okay?
It will...
445
00:27:26,562 --> 00:27:28,772
- Mike!
- I'll deal with Mike
446
00:27:28,773 --> 00:27:31,066
whenever he decides
to roll in to work today.
447
00:27:31,776 --> 00:27:33,860
You just keep your eye
on the ball, huh?
448
00:27:33,861 --> 00:27:35,196
We're counting on you, slugger.
449
00:27:42,369 --> 00:27:46,624
No. No. What the fuck!
450
00:27:53,172 --> 00:27:54,422
Permission to speak freely.
451
00:27:54,423 --> 00:27:57,842
Jesus Christ, frank. Can we drop
the whole chain of command bit?
452
00:27:57,843 --> 00:28:00,429
I'm just not in the mood.
453
00:28:01,055 --> 00:28:03,933
You were right. Someone
drew first blood.
454
00:28:14,401 --> 00:28:16,402
I need to talk to you.
455
00:28:16,403 --> 00:28:19,405
Evan, if this is about us,
I just can't at work. I have...
456
00:28:22,785 --> 00:28:25,411
I found him in the men's room.
He was propped up in the stall
457
00:28:25,412 --> 00:28:27,747
like some fucked up marionette.
458
00:28:27,748 --> 00:28:30,667
There was blood everywhere.
And then I went to get help,
459
00:28:30,668 --> 00:28:32,086
and he was gone.
460
00:28:33,921 --> 00:28:36,756
Oh, my god. I can't believe
you're doing this right now.
461
00:28:36,757 --> 00:28:40,343
Doing what? Mike was dead
in the bathroom.
462
00:28:40,344 --> 00:28:41,886
Did anyone else see the body?
463
00:28:41,887 --> 00:28:44,889
Well, no. I-I-I went to get help
464
00:28:44,890 --> 00:28:46,349
and then when I came
back, he was gone.
465
00:28:46,350 --> 00:28:49,562
Jesus! Evan, he's fucking with you.
It's Mike.
466
00:28:49,728 --> 00:28:51,354
He's probably doing
it as a joke.
467
00:28:51,355 --> 00:28:53,440
Let's not forget he's a
complete asshole, okay?
468
00:28:54,942 --> 00:28:58,611
Yeah, he is kind of an
asshole, but I-I-I don't know.
469
00:28:58,612 --> 00:29:01,406
- This looked pretty real.
- Okay.
470
00:29:01,407 --> 00:29:04,951
All right, let's, uh, let's
consider the possibilities then.
471
00:29:04,952 --> 00:29:07,912
Option one, somebody
murdered Mike,
472
00:29:07,913 --> 00:29:09,498
left him in the
bathroom and then moved
473
00:29:09,748 --> 00:29:11,416
the body when you
went to get help.
474
00:29:11,417 --> 00:29:13,084
Well, when you put it that way...
475
00:29:13,085 --> 00:29:17,213
Or option two is that the most
obnoxious prick in the office
476
00:29:17,214 --> 00:29:20,342
who would rather do anything
other than actually work,
477
00:29:20,509 --> 00:29:21,844
played a practical joke on you.
478
00:29:23,095 --> 00:29:24,596
Okay, now I'm gonna kill him.
479
00:29:24,597 --> 00:29:26,473
Yeah, well, you've got
bigger fish to fry.
480
00:29:27,725 --> 00:29:29,642
Okay, Max is cleaning house.
481
00:29:29,643 --> 00:29:32,104
Mike was probably getting fired
even before the first stunt.
482
00:29:35,733 --> 00:29:37,902
I have to nail
that presentation.
483
00:29:38,068 --> 00:29:39,069
Yeah.
484
00:29:43,157 --> 00:29:45,409
Thank you. Thank you.
485
00:29:45,910 --> 00:29:47,493
- Hup, hup, hup, hup.
- Hup, hup, hup, hup.
486
00:29:47,494 --> 00:29:48,912
Don't you two have
some work to do?
487
00:29:48,913 --> 00:29:50,079
- Not really.
- Not really.
488
00:29:50,080 --> 00:29:52,082
- Hup, hup, hup, hup.
- Hup, hup, hup, hup.
489
00:29:54,877 --> 00:29:56,419
- Dave, right?
- Yeah.
490
00:29:56,420 --> 00:29:58,671
I hear you're the guy
to talk to about office pools.
491
00:29:58,672 --> 00:30:00,341
- Yeah.
- Company sports czar.
492
00:30:00,549 --> 00:30:02,383
It's so weird. I have
to try to get people
493
00:30:02,384 --> 00:30:04,010
- to call me that around here.
- Oh, yeah?
494
00:30:04,011 --> 00:30:06,472
I should probably quit though.
My cat, puddles, he
495
00:30:06,722 --> 00:30:08,765
gets really jealous when I
spend too much time on,
496
00:30:08,766 --> 00:30:09,934
his diabetes is acting up.
497
00:30:10,184 --> 00:30:11,517
Oh, nonsense.
498
00:30:11,518 --> 00:30:13,646
Morale is vital to the
health of any company.
499
00:30:14,730 --> 00:30:16,607
And you make an
important contribution.
500
00:30:16,815 --> 00:30:19,067
Let's pop into my man-cave, and
you can give me the Vegas tips
501
00:30:19,068 --> 00:30:21,945
on the NBA playoffs and dirt
on upcoming events, you know?
502
00:30:21,946 --> 00:30:22,988
Don't hit me.
503
00:30:23,864 --> 00:30:24,948
Man stuff, all right.
504
00:30:24,949 --> 00:30:26,074
- All right.
- Come on.
505
00:30:26,075 --> 00:30:28,284
I got all sorts of ideas
for other office pools.
506
00:30:28,285 --> 00:30:31,663
Competitive curling,
fantasy fishing, ant bite...
507
00:30:31,664 --> 00:30:38,044
- Hup, hup, hup, hup.
- Hup, hup, hup, hup.
508
00:30:38,045 --> 00:30:39,129
Dude, the record.
509
00:30:40,047 --> 00:30:41,247
What's up, man. You all right?
510
00:30:44,385 --> 00:30:46,136
I don't know. I don't know.
511
00:30:47,429 --> 00:30:50,724
Right now, I'm just trying
to avoid getting fired.
512
00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:53,602
That's smart.
That's a good plan.
513
00:30:53,811 --> 00:30:55,728
- Welcome to the club, right?
- Right.
514
00:30:55,729 --> 00:30:58,022
- Hup, hup, hup, hup.
- Hup, hup, hup, hup.
515
00:30:58,023 --> 00:30:59,463
- Hup, hup, hup...
- Hup, hup, hup...
516
00:31:04,571 --> 00:31:07,699
I want my $20 for the
ncaa tournament pool.
517
00:31:07,700 --> 00:31:10,451
- I told you, man. I...
- No excuses!
518
00:31:10,452 --> 00:31:12,037
You gambled, you lost.
519
00:31:12,454 --> 00:31:14,081
Now pay for your failures.
520
00:31:14,581 --> 00:31:16,040
You need to chill out, Brian.
521
00:31:16,041 --> 00:31:20,044
I will chill when I have
your $20 as well, Tim.
522
00:31:20,045 --> 00:31:23,257
You have until 5 o'clock.
Don't make me come find you.
523
00:31:23,799 --> 00:31:27,510
Evan, thank you for your
thoughtful and prompt payment.
524
00:31:27,511 --> 00:31:29,013
It shall not be forgotten.
525
00:31:35,227 --> 00:31:36,936
What the fuck was that?
526
00:31:36,937 --> 00:31:38,771
I didn't even enter that pool.
527
00:31:38,772 --> 00:31:42,775
Ah, shit. Mike's computer's
password protected.
528
00:31:42,776 --> 00:31:44,027
That's probably a good thing.
529
00:31:44,028 --> 00:31:45,695
There's an insane
amount of porn on that.
530
00:31:47,531 --> 00:31:49,574
How the hell am I gonna
get those sales figures?
531
00:31:49,575 --> 00:31:52,368
You mean, you want
all the numbers, like...
532
00:31:52,369 --> 00:31:54,705
Yeah, yeah. The spreadsheets
are on Mike's computer
533
00:31:54,913 --> 00:31:56,372
and that's locked, so...
534
00:31:56,373 --> 00:31:57,582
Oh, you don't have the password?
535
00:31:57,583 --> 00:32:00,293
No, no. You know, I don't
wanna know the password,
536
00:32:00,294 --> 00:32:03,005
so I'm gonna have to rebuild
the excel files from scratch.
537
00:32:03,172 --> 00:32:05,590
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can
totally help, you know.
538
00:32:05,591 --> 00:32:07,425
Especially after what
Ted did to you.
539
00:32:07,426 --> 00:32:08,968
That was just so horrible.
540
00:32:08,969 --> 00:32:10,929
I know. Right? Yeah.
541
00:32:11,096 --> 00:32:12,680
You must be having
such a horrible day.
542
00:32:12,681 --> 00:32:14,015
So you think
you can help me out?
543
00:32:14,016 --> 00:32:15,600
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
544
00:32:15,601 --> 00:32:18,936
I could totally go down
to the basement, and, um...
545
00:32:18,937 --> 00:32:21,147
- Grab the files for you.
- That's great.
546
00:32:21,148 --> 00:32:24,525
You're a lifesaver, zabs. Go-go
do that, and then we'll talk.
547
00:32:24,526 --> 00:32:26,444
- Okay.
- Okay. Bye-bye.
548
00:32:26,445 --> 00:32:27,945
Bye. Run along.
549
00:32:27,946 --> 00:32:29,489
- Hup, hup, hup, hup.
- Hup, hup, hup, hup.
550
00:32:29,490 --> 00:32:30,908
- Hup, hup, hup.
- Hup, hup, hup.
551
00:32:32,117 --> 00:32:33,535
- God.
- Little help.
552
00:32:37,956 --> 00:32:39,249
Really? Uh...
553
00:32:40,292 --> 00:32:41,418
Oh!
554
00:32:51,762 --> 00:32:53,013
Ev-Evan?
555
00:32:55,933 --> 00:32:57,684
Okay.
556
00:33:00,562 --> 00:33:01,938
Oh, shit.
557
00:33:01,939 --> 00:33:03,774
I just got this skirt.
558
00:33:04,608 --> 00:33:05,692
Come on.
559
00:33:10,614 --> 00:33:12,865
Please, it's not the world.
It's just one night.
560
00:33:12,866 --> 00:33:13,950
I have kick ball.
561
00:33:13,951 --> 00:33:15,284
And you're starting
pitcher tonight.
562
00:33:15,285 --> 00:33:17,120
I'm on that team.
I never get to go.
563
00:33:17,121 --> 00:33:19,122
- He's terrible.
- God damn, Tim!
564
00:33:19,123 --> 00:33:20,706
All right. Wh-what
do I get if I stay?
565
00:33:20,707 --> 00:33:22,166
My undying gratitude.
566
00:33:22,167 --> 00:33:24,168
The respect and
admiration of your peers.
567
00:33:24,169 --> 00:33:25,795
- It's not me.
- Come on, man.
568
00:33:25,796 --> 00:33:27,881
- Something valuable.
- Precious gems.
569
00:33:28,507 --> 00:33:29,674
Straight-up cash.
570
00:33:29,675 --> 00:33:31,425
If we land the account,
all the phallusite
571
00:33:31,426 --> 00:33:32,636
you'll ever need, free.
572
00:33:33,178 --> 00:33:36,055
- Yes.
573
00:33:36,056 --> 00:33:37,432
- You should be in sales.
- Yes!
574
00:33:39,101 --> 00:33:40,185
Why do you care? I...
575
00:33:40,811 --> 00:33:43,230
I don't suppose I should
even bother to ask you.
576
00:33:44,064 --> 00:33:47,066
Oh, I can't tonight. I've got
Kelly clarkson tickets.
577
00:33:47,067 --> 00:33:48,526
Oh, you had been
talking about that.
578
00:33:48,527 --> 00:33:49,652
- Yeah.
- All right.
579
00:33:49,653 --> 00:33:51,780
I like that walk away
song, though, I do.
580
00:33:52,573 --> 00:33:53,699
Boom!
581
00:33:53,907 --> 00:33:56,160
Nuh! Aww, man!
582
00:33:57,286 --> 00:33:58,871
There goes all the burritos.
583
00:33:59,413 --> 00:34:01,290
This is a conventional
oven, right?
584
00:34:01,748 --> 00:34:03,000
Well, you know,
585
00:34:03,167 --> 00:34:06,336
microwaving is a pretty
inexact science, Tim, so...
586
00:34:07,629 --> 00:34:10,465
You know what? Can I be blunt?
587
00:34:11,466 --> 00:34:12,967
As opposed to how
you normally are?
588
00:34:12,968 --> 00:34:14,887
So how long are you planning
on punishing Evan?
589
00:34:16,638 --> 00:34:19,849
Jesus, Tim. I am not talking
to you about this right now.
590
00:34:19,850 --> 00:34:21,642
Yes, you are, Mandy. Damn it.
591
00:34:21,643 --> 00:34:23,853
We are gonna have this
conversation right now.
592
00:34:23,854 --> 00:34:26,397
Because, you know what?
Evan is a good guy.
593
00:34:26,398 --> 00:34:28,858
You know it.
I know it. All right.
594
00:34:28,859 --> 00:34:31,068
So he made one mistake.
595
00:34:31,069 --> 00:34:32,945
- He's human.
- Yeah, well...
596
00:34:32,946 --> 00:34:34,448
It was a pretty
big mistake, Tim.
597
00:34:35,324 --> 00:34:36,783
What do you want me to say?
598
00:34:37,784 --> 00:34:41,038
Okay, yeah.
Evan hurt my feelings.
599
00:34:44,666 --> 00:34:48,003
Yeah, I guess that's exactly
what I wanted you to say.
600
00:34:49,046 --> 00:34:50,047
You said it.
601
00:34:50,297 --> 00:34:51,422
Well, yeah.
602
00:34:51,423 --> 00:34:55,301
Look, I'm not trying
to pile on to you emotionally,
603
00:34:55,302 --> 00:34:56,385
- right.
604
00:34:56,386 --> 00:34:57,720
But look, we all think
you're awesome.
605
00:34:57,721 --> 00:35:00,514
Yup, yup. Awesome Amanda.
606
00:35:00,515 --> 00:35:02,433
Dating me is like dating a dude.
607
00:35:02,434 --> 00:35:04,728
- It's really great.
- Never heard anyone say that.
608
00:35:07,940 --> 00:35:11,902
It's not like I was expecting
a fucking proposal, okay?
609
00:35:12,653 --> 00:35:15,738
And this may not have occurred
to you, but it was actually
610
00:35:15,739 --> 00:35:18,033
really difficult for me
to even say
611
00:35:19,409 --> 00:35:20,744
the "I" word,
612
00:35:20,911 --> 00:35:24,497
and please, do not make
a lesbian joke right now.
613
00:35:24,498 --> 00:35:26,290
That seems inappropriate.
I wouldn't have done that.
614
00:35:26,291 --> 00:35:27,959
You always make lesbian jokes.
615
00:35:27,960 --> 00:35:29,628
Not in front of lesbians.
616
00:35:30,754 --> 00:35:34,090
Or women, you know,
with lesbian haircuts.
617
00:35:34,091 --> 00:35:35,092
Look.
618
00:35:36,134 --> 00:35:38,887
I wasn't even expecting him
to say it back right away.
619
00:35:39,096 --> 00:35:41,807
But Jesus, Tim. "No?"
620
00:35:42,641 --> 00:35:43,975
Oh, yeah.
621
00:35:43,976 --> 00:35:48,562
He said no. Like what kind
of a response is that?
622
00:35:48,563 --> 00:35:50,774
- Not a positive one.
- Yeah.
623
00:35:51,942 --> 00:35:52,942
It would have...
624
00:35:54,027 --> 00:35:56,905
It would have honestly hurt
less if he just would have said
625
00:35:57,114 --> 00:35:58,407
nothing at all.
626
00:36:01,201 --> 00:36:02,369
Hey, Evan.
627
00:36:04,204 --> 00:36:06,290
Hmm, shit.
628
00:36:06,915 --> 00:36:10,126
Mandy is upset because
I was using the microwave,
629
00:36:10,127 --> 00:36:12,670
and I just didn't understand
how the buttons work,
630
00:36:12,671 --> 00:36:16,049
and I blew up my burrito, and
it was, like, the fourth one.
631
00:36:16,925 --> 00:36:19,469
She wanted to microwave
her salad, I think and...
632
00:36:20,679 --> 00:36:22,389
- We were talking about you.
- Clearly.
633
00:36:22,973 --> 00:36:24,890
Amanda baron.
634
00:36:24,891 --> 00:36:29,270
Your friends call you Mandy,
but Amanda is better, stronger.
635
00:36:29,271 --> 00:36:33,900
A name with fingernails
I can dig into a man's back.
636
00:36:36,403 --> 00:36:38,905
Interesting observation.
637
00:36:41,658 --> 00:36:44,119
You smell lust.
638
00:36:45,704 --> 00:36:48,123
I can hear your
heart all broken.
639
00:36:51,168 --> 00:36:52,919
That's really weird, okay?
640
00:36:53,670 --> 00:36:55,297
Evan doesn't deserve you.
641
00:36:56,673 --> 00:36:58,884
Perhaps you just need
a woman's touch.
642
00:37:00,969 --> 00:37:02,554
Shouldn't you be
answering the phones?
643
00:37:05,807 --> 00:37:07,059
I like your dress.
644
00:37:14,274 --> 00:37:16,233
No money was ever transferred.
645
00:37:16,234 --> 00:37:18,778
You can't just give
yourself a checkmark.
646
00:37:18,779 --> 00:37:21,239
I put a checkmark on the board.
That's a sale, man.
647
00:37:28,872 --> 00:37:30,499
Tick-tock, motherfucker.
648
00:37:38,715 --> 00:37:41,676
Yes. Yes,
you can borrow 20 bucks.
649
00:37:41,885 --> 00:37:42,886
Quick.
650
00:37:43,970 --> 00:37:47,390
So please, just give me
your address and your e-mail
651
00:37:47,391 --> 00:37:50,394
and your social security,
and I'll send it out.
652
00:37:57,651 --> 00:38:00,821
Five o'clock. See you
fuckers tomorrow.
653
00:38:01,947 --> 00:38:04,741
Oh, did anybody see
which way Dave went?
654
00:38:12,332 --> 00:38:14,042
Hey, but I gave you 20 bucks.
655
00:38:26,930 --> 00:38:28,014
- Evan?
- Oh.
656
00:38:28,932 --> 00:38:30,308
0h. Hi, Elaine, hi.
657
00:38:31,893 --> 00:38:34,438
Sorry. Sorry you lost your job.
658
00:38:45,740 --> 00:38:46,992
Oh, thank you, Elaine.
659
00:38:49,911 --> 00:38:51,662
All right, man.
Well, I'll see you tomorrow.
660
00:38:51,663 --> 00:38:52,914
Phahushe.
661
00:38:54,791 --> 00:38:56,293
Well, it was worth a shot.
662
00:39:00,464 --> 00:39:05,092
And you can call me ward cleaver
'cause I just banged out June.
663
00:39:05,093 --> 00:39:06,094
Nice.
664
00:39:06,511 --> 00:39:11,099
You can call me uncle Ben
because I just nailed may.
665
00:39:11,349 --> 00:39:12,392
Nice.
666
00:39:12,809 --> 00:39:16,187
Hey, we keep this up, we might
not have to sleep here.
667
00:39:16,188 --> 00:39:17,606
Oh, amen, brother.
668
00:39:23,653 --> 00:39:26,280
Zabeth only brought up
the hard copies through July.
669
00:39:26,281 --> 00:39:28,532
Can you run downstairs
and get August?
670
00:39:28,533 --> 00:39:29,825
In the basement?
671
00:39:29,826 --> 00:39:31,410
- Yeah.
- Oh, man.
672
00:39:31,411 --> 00:39:33,954
That place has freaked me out
ever since they found that
673
00:39:33,955 --> 00:39:35,414
whimsical gimp mask.
674
00:39:35,415 --> 00:39:37,125
You know, Elaine
walked off with that.
675
00:39:38,168 --> 00:39:41,712
Come on, man. Please. Just go.
Think of it as a field trip.
676
00:39:41,713 --> 00:39:43,672
You don't have to
work for one minute.
677
00:39:43,673 --> 00:39:45,300
Actually, that's
pretty good argument.
678
00:39:46,426 --> 00:39:47,844
There you go.
679
00:39:56,895 --> 00:40:00,982
Ooh, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't do it, Evan.
680
00:40:05,445 --> 00:40:08,031
Ah, fuck that. It was my office
longer than it was his.
681
00:40:15,330 --> 00:40:18,708
Oh, Jesus Christ, zabeth.
You scared the shit out of me.
682
00:40:20,210 --> 00:40:22,295
What the hell were you
even doing down here?
683
00:40:27,050 --> 00:40:29,636
Oh, shit. Of course.
684
00:40:32,138 --> 00:40:33,890
Um, ass-hat?
685
00:40:36,851 --> 00:40:41,064
I thought perhaps it was Evan
coming down, but now I see.
686
00:40:41,648 --> 00:40:44,275
Why send a boy
to do a man's job?
687
00:40:44,276 --> 00:40:46,069
Well, I couldn't agree more.
688
00:40:46,528 --> 00:40:48,238
The douche-nozzle.
689
00:40:49,531 --> 00:40:51,449
Yeah, I should stop doing that.
690
00:40:51,950 --> 00:40:54,244
You know, I always had
a thing for you, right?
691
00:40:55,245 --> 00:40:56,413
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
692
00:40:56,663 --> 00:41:00,417
'Cause I always thought you
wanted me to die in a car fire.
693
00:41:00,625 --> 00:41:04,211
Oh, no, no, no, no. Why would
my baby think of me like that?
694
00:41:04,212 --> 00:41:08,466
Because you said, "Andrew,
I hope you die in a car fire."
695
00:41:11,094 --> 00:41:13,096
Got some new hires, huh?
696
00:41:15,599 --> 00:41:17,016
Well, that's not a surprise.
697
00:41:17,017 --> 00:41:21,437
You were very specific to the
make, the model, the mileage.
698
00:41:21,438 --> 00:41:23,939
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
699
00:41:23,940 --> 00:41:26,609
I was just wasting my
time pining on Evan.
700
00:41:26,610 --> 00:41:29,404
And Evan is just that.
701
00:41:29,821 --> 00:41:30,864
A waste.
702
00:41:35,535 --> 00:41:39,038
Oh, Max. You sick fuck.
703
00:41:39,039 --> 00:41:41,790
Okay, come on. Evan's my friend,
704
00:41:41,791 --> 00:41:44,084
and he's the only person
in this office who...
705
00:41:44,085 --> 00:41:46,129
- Aah!
- You're right. Fuck that guy.
706
00:41:46,713 --> 00:41:48,048
Well, Tim. I mean...
707
00:41:49,090 --> 00:41:50,425
What? Really?
708
00:41:51,843 --> 00:41:53,483
Oh, what are you doing, pilates?
How do...
709
00:41:55,639 --> 00:41:56,640
Well...
710
00:41:57,849 --> 00:42:01,352
What? I'm the one
person in the office
711
00:42:01,353 --> 00:42:03,188
you haven't made a decision on.
712
00:42:04,856 --> 00:42:06,273
Okay, full disclaimer.
713
00:42:06,274 --> 00:42:08,651
There might be some slight
discoloration issues down there,
714
00:42:08,652 --> 00:42:10,861
but if it helps, you can pretend
you're boning the hulk.
715
00:42:10,862 --> 00:42:12,196
Actually, I don't want
to over promise that.
716
00:42:12,197 --> 00:42:13,281
Let's go with Kermit.
717
00:42:15,450 --> 00:42:18,036
Huh! Well, well, well.
718
00:42:19,287 --> 00:42:23,249
My buddy Ted will be
very interested in this.
719
00:42:24,167 --> 00:42:26,794
I have severely underestimated
the versatility
720
00:42:26,795 --> 00:42:28,421
of Anne Taylor loft.
721
00:42:30,799 --> 00:42:33,258
Oh, god! You bit my lip.
722
00:42:33,259 --> 00:42:35,552
Do we need a safe word? Oh!
723
00:42:35,553 --> 00:42:36,553
Scream for me.
724
00:42:36,680 --> 00:42:39,516
Okay. You know what?
I'm as kinky as the next guy.
725
00:42:43,561 --> 00:42:45,105
Well, you have zabeth.
726
00:42:46,356 --> 00:42:47,648
Oh, god!
727
00:42:47,649 --> 00:42:49,775
Okay, I took a self-defense
class for women
728
00:42:49,776 --> 00:42:52,320
to pick up chicks, and the shit
they teach you there is nasty.
729
00:42:55,573 --> 00:42:58,951
No! Foot stomp, eye
gouge, crotch kick.
730
00:42:58,952 --> 00:43:00,662
- Excellent suggestion.
- Ah!
731
00:43:06,626 --> 00:43:07,711
Well, that's different.
732
00:43:16,428 --> 00:43:17,761
Oh, god!
733
00:43:17,762 --> 00:43:20,014
I will still fuck you
if you scream.
734
00:43:22,058 --> 00:43:24,269
Oh, god!
735
00:43:25,103 --> 00:43:26,563
I just didn't say when.
736
00:43:31,401 --> 00:43:32,777
All right, Max.
737
00:43:34,195 --> 00:43:37,532
We'll see what Ted
has to say about this.
738
00:43:41,411 --> 00:43:45,873
Oh, man, you would
not believe what I...
739
00:43:45,874 --> 00:43:49,961
Are you... son of a bitch!
If you bailed on me...
740
00:43:58,970 --> 00:44:02,474
Dude, if this is another
fucking bit like Mike's...
741
00:44:03,266 --> 00:44:05,893
- Run.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
742
00:44:05,894 --> 00:44:09,229
Oh, shit! Andrew, you all right?
743
00:44:09,230 --> 00:44:11,566
Okay, okay, hold on.
I'm gonna get help.
744
00:44:53,733 --> 00:44:55,985
What the fuck is happening?
745
00:44:59,197 --> 00:45:01,324
Somebody here went to Harvard?
746
00:45:26,558 --> 00:45:31,646
Max. You fucking asshole.
747
00:46:12,228 --> 00:46:13,730
Oh, come on.
748
00:46:17,150 --> 00:46:19,359
Amanda. Amanda, it's me.
I'm at the office.
749
00:46:19,360 --> 00:46:20,944
I just saw Andrew get killed.
750
00:46:20,945 --> 00:46:23,698
And now they're after me,
and I think it's Max.
751
00:46:23,865 --> 00:46:25,825
Oh, gosh, buddy.
That hurts my feelings.
752
00:46:26,534 --> 00:46:29,579
I'm sure Amanda is
great in a crisis,
753
00:46:29,787 --> 00:46:32,540
but don't you think this
call is more suited to 911?
754
00:46:32,749 --> 00:46:34,166
What have you done with Amanda?
755
00:46:34,167 --> 00:46:38,546
I just devoured her
fabulous ossobuco.
756
00:46:38,755 --> 00:46:41,840
Who knew Mandy was such
a demon in the kitchen?
757
00:46:41,841 --> 00:46:45,345
Absolutely open another
bottle as long as it's red.
758
00:46:50,350 --> 00:46:53,394
Max, you son of a bitch.
You listen to me, right now!
759
00:46:54,562 --> 00:46:56,606
- Oh, fuck!
- Do I hear banging?
760
00:46:57,565 --> 00:47:00,526
On your end. I mean, there's no
banging happening here, yet.
761
00:47:02,654 --> 00:47:04,947
Wait, are you on my phone?
762
00:47:04,948 --> 00:47:06,448
It's Evan calling to tell us
763
00:47:06,449 --> 00:47:09,786
he's absolutely crushing
the presentation tomorrow.
764
00:47:10,036 --> 00:47:11,120
Do you want to talk to him?
765
00:47:12,789 --> 00:47:16,626
Uh, no. No, it's okay.
766
00:47:17,794 --> 00:47:18,877
Amanda!
767
00:47:18,878 --> 00:47:20,254
Sorry, buddy.
You're stuck with me.
768
00:47:22,131 --> 00:47:24,383
God damn it, Max. I swear to god
769
00:47:24,384 --> 00:47:26,260
if you lay one finger on her...
770
00:47:27,804 --> 00:47:30,722
I think you better focus
on your own problems, bro.
771
00:47:30,723 --> 00:47:31,975
But I'll give Amanda your best.
772
00:47:33,893 --> 00:47:36,395
Actually, I'll give her mine.
773
00:47:36,396 --> 00:47:38,815
- Max, no.
- It's better.
774
00:47:40,525 --> 00:47:43,318
Max! Fuck!
775
00:47:43,319 --> 00:47:46,531
Fuck! Fuck-ety fuck! Fuck!
776
00:47:49,867 --> 00:47:52,036
Situation is suited
for 911, huh?
777
00:47:56,416 --> 00:47:58,251
Fuck it. That was stupid.
778
00:48:00,628 --> 00:48:02,588
All right. Where were we?
779
00:48:02,797 --> 00:48:04,924
"Where are we?"
780
00:48:06,300 --> 00:48:08,094
Is the more pertinent question.
781
00:48:09,721 --> 00:48:11,597
- What?
- You...
782
00:48:13,307 --> 00:48:14,976
Have beautiful eyes.
783
00:48:20,898 --> 00:48:22,692
Uh, we should get started.
784
00:48:23,651 --> 00:48:26,029
We have the whole company
to get through, so...
785
00:48:29,240 --> 00:48:30,825
Don't I know it.
786
00:48:45,089 --> 00:48:47,967
Hey, Ted. Oww.
787
00:48:48,634 --> 00:48:50,677
Mind explaining yourself?
788
00:48:50,678 --> 00:48:51,970
Ted's here.
789
00:48:51,971 --> 00:48:55,307
I, uh, I don't know.
I don't know.
790
00:48:55,308 --> 00:48:58,727
I, uh, was working
on the presentation.
791
00:48:58,728 --> 00:49:01,355
And uh... oh, my god! Andrew!
792
00:49:01,564 --> 00:49:03,106
"Oh, my god, Andrew," is right.
793
00:49:03,107 --> 00:49:05,067
Without him, today would
have been a total disaster.
794
00:49:05,068 --> 00:49:07,611
What? No, no. Andrew is dead.
795
00:49:07,612 --> 00:49:09,489
Dead tired after
that all-nighter.
796
00:49:10,698 --> 00:49:13,868
The presentation. Signed,
sealed, and delivered.
797
00:49:14,744 --> 00:49:17,872
Andrew, you start prepping
my office for the phallusite.
798
00:49:18,831 --> 00:49:21,041
I want you to run
this presentation today.
799
00:49:21,042 --> 00:49:22,293
You got it, boss.
800
00:49:22,502 --> 00:49:23,878
Bounce.
801
00:49:24,921 --> 00:49:27,589
Evan, what the hell
happened to you?
802
00:49:27,590 --> 00:49:30,467
You've always been
a model employee, but I...
803
00:49:30,468 --> 00:49:34,096
I can't overlook a
pooch-screwing this monumental.
804
00:49:34,097 --> 00:49:36,224
Ted. Ted, Ted.
805
00:49:37,308 --> 00:49:38,850
Let's not be hasty.
806
00:49:38,851 --> 00:49:42,188
Andrew finished the job but
Evan laid down the groundwork.
807
00:49:42,897 --> 00:49:44,023
Look at this poor fellow.
808
00:49:44,690 --> 00:49:46,775
He was just passed
over for a promotion.
809
00:49:46,776 --> 00:49:48,318
He slept in the supply closet,
810
00:49:48,319 --> 00:49:50,362
and he smells like
a dead wharf hooker.
811
00:49:50,363 --> 00:49:53,365
- You smell it now?
- He's just having a rough patch.
812
00:49:53,366 --> 00:49:55,034
Let's give him a pass
on this one, okay?
813
00:50:05,044 --> 00:50:06,546
Max brought doughnuts.
814
00:50:12,510 --> 00:50:14,720
I would love to tell you
about our exceptional product,
815
00:50:14,929 --> 00:50:18,640
abinatrix. Abinatrix
is 100% natural.
816
00:50:18,641 --> 00:50:21,185
Abinatrix is for
everyone of all ages.
817
00:50:22,186 --> 00:50:24,772
Dude, that sucked man.
818
00:50:26,440 --> 00:50:28,901
Abinatrix is recommended
by most doctors.
819
00:50:29,068 --> 00:50:31,821
No, I don't understand
what the hell is going on.
820
00:50:32,029 --> 00:50:35,448
I did not imagine
all that stuff last night, Tim.
821
00:50:35,449 --> 00:50:37,618
And why the hell
did Max save my job?
822
00:50:38,119 --> 00:50:39,953
You know what, man? I
thought that was weird too,
823
00:50:39,954 --> 00:50:41,830
but on the plus side,
824
00:50:41,831 --> 00:50:44,292
at least he didn't turn you into
a vampire like everyone else.
825
00:50:45,543 --> 00:50:47,210
Mom, look, just buy
abinatrix all right?
826
00:50:48,337 --> 00:50:51,047
I haven't had a sale a" month
and I'm going to get fired.
827
00:50:51,048 --> 00:50:53,175
Dude, what are you doing? That
was going to be my first sale.
828
00:50:53,176 --> 00:50:56,219
Tim! Vampires?
829
00:50:56,220 --> 00:50:58,222
Oh, okay. Well,
830
00:50:58,723 --> 00:51:01,225
it's just a few things I've been
noticing here and there.
831
00:51:10,568 --> 00:51:13,279
- That was your evidence?
- Well, I'm not done yet.
832
00:51:23,456 --> 00:51:26,041
Okay, that is
significantly weirder
833
00:51:26,042 --> 00:51:28,335
and zabeth has been
acting strangely.
834
00:51:28,336 --> 00:51:31,296
Agreed, but what
really convinced me...
835
00:51:31,297 --> 00:51:33,841
Poor, poor, Elaine.
836
00:51:34,342 --> 00:51:37,386
All ginger and no joy.
837
00:51:38,095 --> 00:51:41,306
- I don't-i don't mind.
- Yes, you do.
838
00:51:41,307 --> 00:51:44,476
- Oh, that's...
- I want you so bad.
839
00:51:44,477 --> 00:51:46,937
Oh, I am so busy.
840
00:51:46,938 --> 00:51:48,481
I can't. I can't.
841
00:51:49,607 --> 00:51:52,360
Uh, I'm, I'm a virgin.
842
00:51:53,653 --> 00:51:54,904
You all are.
843
00:52:07,208 --> 00:52:11,337
So basically, I saw Max turn
Elaine into a vampire, ergo...
844
00:52:11,504 --> 00:52:15,465
- Max is a vampire.
- The head vampire, presumably.
845
00:52:15,466 --> 00:52:18,343
Right. This all started
after he got here.
846
00:52:18,344 --> 00:52:20,846
- It's only logical.
- Logical?
847
00:52:21,639 --> 00:52:24,266
Oh, there's a part of this story
that you guys think is logical?
848
00:52:24,267 --> 00:52:26,310
Well, maybe not logical,
but true.
849
00:52:27,186 --> 00:52:29,479
I don't know what kind of a game
you're trying to play here, Evan,
850
00:52:29,480 --> 00:52:32,857
but it is not funny or
endearing or working.
851
00:52:32,858 --> 00:52:34,902
And you, you let him
drag you into this too?
852
00:52:35,152 --> 00:52:36,736
I thought you were
smarter than that.
853
00:52:36,737 --> 00:52:38,238
- Really?
- Really?
854
00:52:38,239 --> 00:52:40,740
- And today of all days.
- What day is it?
855
00:52:40,741 --> 00:52:42,826
I knew that you were selfish
and immature, Evan,
856
00:52:42,827 --> 00:52:45,370
but I did not think that you
would commit career suicide
857
00:52:45,371 --> 00:52:46,913
to impress me, it's,
it's pretty lame.
858
00:52:46,914 --> 00:52:50,292
Damn it, Amanda! I'm not trying
to commit career suicide.
859
00:52:50,293 --> 00:52:53,545
I'm trying to prevent
career homicide!
860
00:52:53,546 --> 00:52:54,796
Oh, good one.
861
00:52:54,797 --> 00:52:57,591
Oh, well, yeah,
it just came out.
862
00:52:58,592 --> 00:52:59,884
We have to get out of here.
863
00:52:59,885 --> 00:53:02,762
The only thing I have to do
is that phallusite presentation
864
00:53:02,763 --> 00:53:05,765
because I actually give a
shit about my job, so...
865
00:53:05,766 --> 00:53:07,392
- Touche.
- Wait, wait, wait. Wait.
866
00:53:07,393 --> 00:53:10,270
- How do you explain Andrew?
- What about Andrew?
867
00:53:10,271 --> 00:53:12,564
He stayed here all night
working. He looks amazing.
868
00:53:12,565 --> 00:53:14,524
- Yeah, he does.
- Exactly!
869
00:53:14,525 --> 00:53:16,693
You don't think that proves
supernatural forces
870
00:53:16,694 --> 00:53:17,819
are at work here?
871
00:53:17,820 --> 00:53:19,446
All right, Evan, I'm done.
I'm clone with...
872
00:53:19,447 --> 00:53:21,741
What? Amanda! Amanda,
wait, wait, wait. Wait.
873
00:53:21,907 --> 00:53:26,202
Please, wait. I know this
all sounds crazy. I know.
874
00:53:26,203 --> 00:53:28,456
But please,
you have to believe me.
875
00:53:30,041 --> 00:53:31,167
I love you.
876
00:53:38,424 --> 00:53:40,551
So that's what it sounded like.
877
00:53:41,594 --> 00:53:44,012
Fuck it. I don't care
if she hates me forever,
878
00:53:44,013 --> 00:53:45,764
I am not letting
the woman I love
879
00:53:45,765 --> 00:53:48,099
get turned into a
blood-sucking vampire.
880
00:53:48,100 --> 00:53:49,727
Bam-snap!
881
00:53:57,151 --> 00:54:00,570
Is it just me or is this office
getting darker?
882
00:54:00,571 --> 00:54:04,450
- And colder too. Look.
- Oh.
883
00:54:06,369 --> 00:54:08,912
Okay, it's time we alert
the authorities.
884
00:54:08,913 --> 00:54:10,455
- You mean call the cops?
- Yes.
885
00:54:11,665 --> 00:54:14,543
I mean, everybody that we want
to report is dead, is here...
886
00:54:15,336 --> 00:54:17,338
- And working.
- Shit.
887
00:54:18,672 --> 00:54:20,340
Or turned to food.
888
00:54:20,341 --> 00:54:23,427
Oh, god! That was
Mike's real body.
889
00:54:23,928 --> 00:54:25,054
Grody.
890
00:54:26,305 --> 00:54:28,265
Oh, poor Andrew.
891
00:54:29,392 --> 00:54:31,977
Hey, we did get a bell.
Bitchin'.
892
00:54:32,436 --> 00:54:33,561
It's a great idea.
893
00:54:33,562 --> 00:54:35,523
I think Max really listens
to what I have to say.
894
00:54:36,649 --> 00:54:37,650
Dave.
895
00:54:40,444 --> 00:54:45,241
Andrew has 14 sales today? Fuck!
896
00:54:46,075 --> 00:54:48,536
He's totally going to win
that chili's gift certificate.
897
00:54:48,702 --> 00:54:49,953
Look, we need to get Amanda
898
00:54:49,954 --> 00:54:51,496
and we need to get
the fuck out of here.
899
00:54:51,497 --> 00:54:53,123
Everyone in this office
has been turned...
900
00:54:53,124 --> 00:54:55,751
Well, not everyone.
901
00:54:57,044 --> 00:54:58,045
Come on.
902
00:55:01,382 --> 00:55:05,219
Anybody need anything from the...
Break room.
903
00:55:12,685 --> 00:55:14,603
- Colonel Sanders.
- At ease, soldier.
904
00:55:14,770 --> 00:55:16,856
No, no, no, not at ease.
It's war time.
905
00:55:17,398 --> 00:55:19,941
Right, right, right. Yeah.
I, uh...
906
00:55:19,942 --> 00:55:21,277
- Attention.
- Attention.
907
00:55:22,111 --> 00:55:25,071
Frank, we need your help, okay?
908
00:55:25,072 --> 00:55:27,657
This is going to sound insane,
909
00:55:27,658 --> 00:55:29,910
but the entire office
has been turned into...
910
00:55:30,119 --> 00:55:31,829
Vampires. Affirmative, sir.
911
00:55:33,831 --> 00:55:35,916
What? What, you know?
912
00:55:59,690 --> 00:56:01,900
Oh! Did I not mention
that frank was there?
913
00:56:01,901 --> 00:56:04,611
No, Tim. God damn it.
No, you didn't.
914
00:56:04,612 --> 00:56:06,237
Sorry, my bad.
915
00:56:06,238 --> 00:56:07,572
We hang out a lot actually.
916
00:56:07,573 --> 00:56:08,823
By the way, how amazing was that
917
00:56:08,824 --> 00:56:10,241
Kelly clarkson
concert last night?
918
00:56:10,242 --> 00:56:12,744
American idol?
More like American treasure.
919
00:56:12,745 --> 00:56:13,912
Her voice literally sings.
920
00:56:13,913 --> 00:56:15,288
- It does sing.
- Her singing sings.
921
00:56:15,289 --> 00:56:16,998
Oh, how did you get home?
I blacked out.
922
00:56:16,999 --> 00:56:19,210
This is not what we're here
to talk about.
923
00:56:19,376 --> 00:56:21,628
We need to get upstairs, frank,
we need your help.
924
00:56:21,629 --> 00:56:24,047
We need to get Amanda and
we need to get the hell out of dodge.
925
00:56:24,048 --> 00:56:25,381
No, no, no, we can't
just go up there.
926
00:56:25,382 --> 00:56:27,717
The place is a den
of the undead right now.
927
00:56:27,718 --> 00:56:30,512
We need to arm ourselves.
We need weapons and shit.
928
00:56:30,513 --> 00:56:32,097
I was waiting for you
to say that.
929
00:56:33,349 --> 00:56:34,517
I've got just the thing.
930
00:56:38,938 --> 00:56:40,898
- Weapons!
- Okay, okay.
931
00:56:45,819 --> 00:56:48,989
When she came after that second
encore, I was like, "whaaat!"
932
00:56:50,074 --> 00:56:51,200
Almost fainted.
933
00:56:51,408 --> 00:56:53,409
What kills vampires?
934
00:56:53,410 --> 00:56:54,494
- Stakes.
- Yeah.
935
00:56:54,495 --> 00:56:56,246
Anything wooden
you can jam into their heart.
936
00:56:56,247 --> 00:56:58,958
Or a sharp blade.
Decapitations work too.
937
00:57:01,001 --> 00:57:02,752
Did you think this was
my first vamp hunt?
938
00:57:02,753 --> 00:57:04,796
I'm a licensed security guard.
939
00:57:04,797 --> 00:57:07,424
You don't get this patch without
dusting a few puncture monkeys.
940
00:57:13,055 --> 00:57:14,974
I looked some stuff
up on Wikipedia.
941
00:57:16,976 --> 00:57:19,435
All right, what else?
Holy water, garlic?
942
00:57:19,436 --> 00:57:22,022
Ooh, I make a really good
40-clove chicken.
943
00:57:23,607 --> 00:57:26,026
But we probably don't have time
for that right now, guys.
944
00:57:26,193 --> 00:57:27,694
Sunlight. That burns them up.
945
00:57:27,695 --> 00:57:29,529
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Does it?
946
00:57:29,530 --> 00:57:31,197
Because, I mean,
it's daytime right now
947
00:57:31,198 --> 00:57:33,074
and they don't seem to be
too bothered by it.
948
00:57:33,075 --> 00:57:36,077
Correct, but that's because this
facility has a limited number
949
00:57:36,078 --> 00:57:38,121
of windows to minimize
visual distractions
950
00:57:38,122 --> 00:57:39,956
and maximize climate control
and security.
951
00:57:39,957 --> 00:57:42,458
You're telling me sunlight
does kill vampires,
952
00:57:42,459 --> 00:57:45,420
but we get so little of it
in this fluorescent shithole,
953
00:57:45,421 --> 00:57:47,172
that they're just fine?
954
00:57:48,924 --> 00:57:52,261
- Good god, that's depressing.
- Yes, sir, it is.
955
00:57:56,640 --> 00:58:00,351
Sir, I swear to god
there was an arsenal
956
00:58:00,352 --> 00:58:03,731
of immense proportions
in this Van this morning.
957
00:58:05,149 --> 00:58:07,358
Someone has violated
958
00:58:07,359 --> 00:58:10,194
the sovereignty
of my vehicular transport.
959
00:58:10,195 --> 00:58:11,905
They got your stereo, too.
960
00:58:12,573 --> 00:58:14,241
- Oh, son of a bitch.
- Hey!
961
00:58:15,701 --> 00:58:19,954
Oh, my god! Man, hey, hey.
You can't just... okay, okay.
962
00:58:19,955 --> 00:58:21,372
Listen, we need your help.
963
00:58:21,373 --> 00:58:23,583
All right, this is
going to sound insane,
964
00:58:23,584 --> 00:58:26,085
but the entire office
has been turned into...
965
00:58:26,086 --> 00:58:27,545
Vampires, yeah.
966
00:58:27,546 --> 00:58:30,548
- Did everybody know but me?
- Yeah, it seems that way.
967
00:58:30,549 --> 00:58:32,133
Oh, fuck!
968
00:58:32,134 --> 00:58:34,636
Oh, my god, you're a vampire!
Holy shit!
969
00:58:34,637 --> 00:58:36,512
Max turned the fucking janitor.
970
00:58:36,513 --> 00:58:38,765
Well, that one actually makes
sense if you think about it.
971
00:58:38,766 --> 00:58:40,266
You're creating a lot
of dead bodies...
972
00:58:40,267 --> 00:58:41,559
Yeah, you got blood.
973
00:58:41,560 --> 00:58:42,852
It's smeared all over
the walls, man.
974
00:58:42,853 --> 00:58:44,729
People are struggling,
they're breaking things.
975
00:58:44,730 --> 00:58:46,648
You got vans coming
in full of weapons.
976
00:58:46,649 --> 00:58:49,275
- You got to clear that out.
- Okay, okay, I get it.
977
00:58:49,276 --> 00:58:51,320
I get it. All right, yeah.
Great idea.
978
00:58:51,528 --> 00:58:54,614
- He's still a fucking asshole.
- Did you guys really not notice?
979
00:58:54,615 --> 00:58:57,200
He turned me day one. I've
been a vampire this whole...
980
00:58:57,201 --> 00:58:59,495
I-I chased you through
the cubicles.
981
00:58:59,662 --> 00:59:02,122
Last night? That was you? Um...
982
00:59:02,956 --> 00:59:05,375
It was really dark.
I mean, I was scared.
983
00:59:05,376 --> 00:59:07,669
Look, it's not personal. We just
don't know you that well.
984
00:59:07,670 --> 00:59:09,337
Yeah. No, no, no. Right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
985
00:59:09,338 --> 00:59:12,507
You know? I mean, we work
upstairs, we're busy and you...
986
00:59:12,508 --> 00:59:14,176
Well, how about his?
987
00:59:16,261 --> 00:59:19,264
That's, that's scary, yeah.
988
00:59:19,473 --> 00:59:22,725
- The teeth...
- Don't patronize me! God!
989
00:59:22,726 --> 00:59:24,353
Do you even know my name?
990
00:59:25,646 --> 00:59:26,772
- Janitor?
- Janhon
991
00:59:28,607 --> 00:59:31,276
always keep a provisional
weapon on your person.
992
00:59:35,948 --> 00:59:37,199
Wait, where?
993
00:59:39,284 --> 00:59:40,703
In my...
994
00:59:47,292 --> 00:59:49,002
Wikipedia did not mention that.
995
00:59:56,719 --> 00:59:59,262
No, no, no. Okay,
okay, wait, wait.
996
00:59:59,263 --> 01:00:01,306
This means that they
can die, all right?
997
01:00:01,598 --> 01:00:03,891
You just need to find weapons.
998
01:00:03,892 --> 01:00:06,270
Oh, hey, maybe the janitor
put frank's weapons in...
999
01:00:08,480 --> 01:00:11,399
Oh, god, how have they not
dumped the bodies yet?
1000
01:00:11,400 --> 01:00:13,276
Trash pick up is on Saturdays
1001
01:00:13,277 --> 01:00:14,944
unless you make a special
request,
1002
01:00:14,945 --> 01:00:16,530
but that's like 60 bucks.
1003
01:00:17,406 --> 01:00:18,574
Seriously?
1004
01:00:20,159 --> 01:00:22,327
God, this fucking company sucks.
1005
01:00:23,620 --> 01:00:25,080
I've got towels in my car.
1006
01:00:32,838 --> 01:00:35,590
Hi, we're the phallusite
corporation.
1007
01:00:35,591 --> 01:00:37,009
We have a 4 o'clock meeting?
1008
01:00:38,510 --> 01:00:39,845
Meeting's canceled.
1009
01:00:45,100 --> 01:00:47,060
Go. Go. Go, go, go, go.
1010
01:00:50,439 --> 01:00:51,939
Say what you want about Elaine,
1011
01:00:51,940 --> 01:00:55,276
she always did stock the shit
out of the supply closet.
1012
01:00:55,277 --> 01:00:56,737
Bam-snap!
1013
01:00:57,946 --> 01:00:59,448
That's growing on me.
1014
01:01:29,269 --> 01:01:32,731
- Bam-snap!
- Yeah!
1015
01:01:35,025 --> 01:01:37,444
Today, we become men.
1016
01:01:38,403 --> 01:01:41,240
- Or vampires.
- Or dead.
1017
01:01:48,247 --> 01:01:49,873
God, frank, what's
wrong with you?
1018
01:01:50,666 --> 01:01:52,167
It's bull piss.
1019
01:01:55,420 --> 01:01:56,672
Let's be jazzed.
1020
01:01:57,673 --> 01:01:59,424
How many of those
do you drink a day?
1021
01:02:00,467 --> 01:02:02,010
As many as it takes.
1022
01:02:05,973 --> 01:02:08,349
Jeez, the vampire that probably
takes a bite out of you
1023
01:02:08,350 --> 01:02:09,893
is going to be up for a week.
1024
01:02:34,751 --> 01:02:36,503
Okay, there's a lot of them.
1025
01:02:37,588 --> 01:02:38,755
Let's focus.
1026
01:02:39,256 --> 01:02:41,674
We get into Ted's
office, we grab Mandy,
1027
01:02:41,675 --> 01:02:44,595
- we get out of here.
- We got your back, colonel.
1028
01:02:45,470 --> 01:02:48,765
Colonel Sanders.
1029
01:02:51,226 --> 01:02:52,686
Like the chicken guy.
1030
01:02:54,688 --> 01:02:56,064
I just got that.
1031
01:02:57,941 --> 01:03:01,778
All right, vam time. Focus.
1032
01:03:08,869 --> 01:03:11,037
Okay, okay, okay. No sudden
movements, all right?
1033
01:03:11,038 --> 01:03:13,832
Just calm careful motions.
Like you're playing jenga.
1034
01:03:17,419 --> 01:03:19,837
So, you know, generally it's
got to be some kind of pass.
1035
01:03:19,838 --> 01:03:22,006
- People call yet?
- No, not yet.
1036
01:03:22,007 --> 01:03:23,717
Maybe they're stuck in traffic.
1037
01:03:25,719 --> 01:03:27,512
I don't recognize
a lot of these people.
1038
01:03:28,096 --> 01:03:30,890
That, that's the it guy.
There's marketing.
1039
01:03:30,891 --> 01:03:33,225
There's the customer
service call center.
1040
01:03:33,226 --> 01:03:36,063
- I hired everyone in there.
- That is ironic.
1041
01:03:36,939 --> 01:03:38,065
Only if they eat us.
1042
01:03:40,943 --> 01:03:44,655
What? Oh, did ijinx us? My bad.
1043
01:03:48,659 --> 01:03:51,035
Sanders, what the
hell are you doing?
1044
01:03:51,036 --> 01:03:52,912
Have, have you lost your mind?
1045
01:03:52,913 --> 01:03:56,583
Amanda, I love you, but you have
no idea what's going on here.
1046
01:03:56,750 --> 01:04:02,046
- Now you're saying way too much.
- Tim... Ted, we have a problem.
1047
01:04:02,047 --> 01:04:07,094
Max, in addition to being a
douchebag, is also a vampire
1048
01:04:07,260 --> 01:04:09,220
and he's turning every
one of your employees
1049
01:04:09,221 --> 01:04:11,055
from the janitor on up.
1050
01:04:11,056 --> 01:04:14,433
By the way, your neck-biting
custodial buddy
1051
01:04:14,434 --> 01:04:17,645
is doing his best impression
of a Jackson pollock painting
1052
01:04:17,646 --> 01:04:19,063
in the parking garage.
1053
01:04:19,064 --> 01:04:21,023
- Bam-snap!
- Jesus Christ.
1054
01:04:21,024 --> 01:04:22,608
Evan, what the fuck
have you done?
1055
01:04:22,609 --> 01:04:26,570
Do you have any idea how hard it
is to find good custodial help?
1056
01:04:26,571 --> 01:04:28,030
You popped Jerry?
1057
01:04:28,031 --> 01:04:29,407
- Jerry.
- Jerry.
1058
01:04:29,408 --> 01:04:31,325
- That sounds familiar.
- That was... yeah. Yeah.
1059
01:04:31,326 --> 01:04:33,285
- That was so embarrassing.
- I was like...
1060
01:04:33,286 --> 01:04:35,246
Did you just miss the
whole UN-dead thing, sir?
1061
01:04:35,247 --> 01:04:36,288
Yeah.
1062
01:04:36,289 --> 01:04:39,083
God damn it, I know
they're vampires.
1063
01:04:39,084 --> 01:04:41,585
Uh, wait. What?
1064
01:04:41,586 --> 01:04:43,879
I track how many paperclips
we use per quarter,
1065
01:04:43,880 --> 01:04:46,591
you think I wouldn't notice
a vampire company take-over?
1066
01:04:46,800 --> 01:04:48,509
How many paperclips do
we use per quarter?
1067
01:04:48,510 --> 01:04:51,846
- Tim!
- Uh, last quarter, 22415.
1068
01:04:51,847 --> 01:04:55,391
See? Look at him. He's
a model employee now.
1069
01:04:55,392 --> 01:04:58,561
Wait, you did this
intentionally?
1070
01:04:58,562 --> 01:05:01,147
Corporate was threatening
to shut down the entire branch,
1071
01:05:01,148 --> 01:05:03,608
I simply presented Ted
with an alternative.
1072
01:05:03,775 --> 01:05:06,277
His methods may seem
a little unorthodox,
1073
01:05:06,278 --> 01:05:08,571
but you can't argue
with the results.
1074
01:05:08,572 --> 01:05:12,325
After your little stunt
in college!
1075
01:05:14,453 --> 01:05:16,245
The only school
that would take me
1076
01:05:16,246 --> 01:05:19,541
was this university in Romania.
1077
01:05:20,792 --> 01:05:24,296
But it turns out, it had
a very unique mba program,
1078
01:05:25,213 --> 01:05:29,008
a whole new paradigm
in business management.
1079
01:05:29,009 --> 01:05:33,929
What? Turning your employees
into vampires? That's sick!
1080
01:05:33,930 --> 01:05:36,098
Evan, this company was sick.
1081
01:05:36,099 --> 01:05:38,684
Employees calling in with fake,
dead grandmothers
1082
01:05:38,685 --> 01:05:40,436
so that they could go out
to the ballpark.
1083
01:05:40,437 --> 01:05:42,731
Video game tournaments
during office hours,
1084
01:05:42,939 --> 01:05:45,649
and look at your browser
histories.
1085
01:05:45,650 --> 01:05:49,153
- I know you watch porn all Clay.
- That was mainly Mike.
1086
01:05:49,154 --> 01:05:51,072
At least now we have a future.
1087
01:05:51,073 --> 01:05:55,118
Yeah, funny your usage
of the word "we" there.
1088
01:05:56,078 --> 01:05:57,369
What's that supposed to mean?
1089
01:05:57,370 --> 01:05:59,455
Max was gonna fucking eat you.
1090
01:05:59,456 --> 01:06:01,123
I saw it in his files.
1091
01:06:01,124 --> 01:06:03,000
Why do you think he hasn't
turned you yet, Ted?
1092
01:06:03,001 --> 01:06:07,254
He was going to turn me last.
Make it special with candles.
1093
01:06:07,255 --> 01:06:09,299
- Oh.
- That makes sense.
1094
01:06:14,554 --> 01:06:16,223
You were going to force me out?
1095
01:06:16,681 --> 01:06:19,434
Hey, quick, while you still
have time, Ted. Fire this...
1096
01:06:19,726 --> 01:06:21,644
Oh god!
1097
01:06:21,645 --> 01:06:23,938
It actually works.
He really did that.
1098
01:06:23,939 --> 01:06:29,318
That is the worst part
of this job. Firing people.
1099
01:06:29,319 --> 01:06:32,029
Oh, shit. Jeez. He just...
1100
01:06:32,030 --> 01:06:33,906
- Hey, Mandy.
- His neck...
1101
01:06:33,907 --> 01:06:36,867
Have you not been listening
this entire time?
1102
01:06:36,868 --> 01:06:39,411
We are vampires.
That's what we do.
1103
01:06:39,412 --> 01:06:42,206
We get... still sounds so weird
saying vampires.
1104
01:06:42,207 --> 01:06:44,166
So you just do it?
1105
01:06:44,167 --> 01:06:46,377
It's true. Amanda you
got to start working
1106
01:06:46,378 --> 01:06:48,713
on your stubbornness if you want
to be a part of the team.
1107
01:06:48,922 --> 01:06:51,507
Oh! Fuck your team, Max!
1108
01:06:51,508 --> 01:06:55,886
I'm taking Amanda and we're
walking out of here UN-undead.
1109
01:06:57,722 --> 01:07:00,224
Yeah, I'm gonna,
I'm gonna do that.
1110
01:07:03,311 --> 01:07:05,312
- Okay.
- Okay.
1111
01:07:05,313 --> 01:07:06,731
Well, show yourselves out.
1112
01:07:07,816 --> 01:07:10,902
Can I have a thing, maybe a...
This will do.
1113
01:07:11,903 --> 01:07:14,530
- Bye, gang.
- Okay, yeah.
1114
01:07:14,531 --> 01:07:16,198
- See you guys.
- See you, man.
1115
01:07:16,199 --> 01:07:18,701
You got that? You got the door?
1116
01:07:18,702 --> 01:07:20,162
Back up. Back up!
1117
01:07:21,788 --> 01:07:22,914
Holy shit!
1118
01:07:24,040 --> 01:07:26,585
- Are all these people vampires?
- Yes, ma'am.
1119
01:07:26,751 --> 01:07:28,002
Mandy, I don't want to die
1120
01:07:28,003 --> 01:07:29,503
without telling you
how I really feel.
1121
01:07:29,504 --> 01:07:30,713
Well, then shut the fuck up,
1122
01:07:30,714 --> 01:07:32,256
so you have a reason
to survive this shit.
1123
01:07:32,257 --> 01:07:35,301
- So what now, colonel?
- Honestly, I have no idea.
1124
01:07:35,302 --> 01:07:36,761
I never thought
we'd live this long.
1125
01:07:36,970 --> 01:07:40,014
To think you came to rescue me
and you didn't plan an escape?
1126
01:07:40,015 --> 01:07:42,434
Oh, don't Princess Leia me.
I'm thinking.
1127
01:07:44,352 --> 01:07:45,854
- Okay, I've got it.
- Oh, hey, Dave.
1128
01:07:46,938 --> 01:07:48,856
Good luck getting
your 20 bucks now, bitch.
1129
01:07:48,857 --> 01:07:50,692
- God damn it, Tim.
- Oops.
1130
01:07:58,491 --> 01:08:00,868
God damn it. Now I'm definitely
gonna have to wash this shirt.
1131
01:08:00,869 --> 01:08:03,121
Do you want me to, uh, dive in?
1132
01:08:03,288 --> 01:08:06,333
Oh, no, no, no, no. I need you
to learn how to delegate.
1133
01:08:17,135 --> 01:08:19,638
Hey, decapitate.
You gotta take it off.
1134
01:08:21,681 --> 01:08:22,849
Hair pulling?
1135
01:08:23,433 --> 01:08:27,604
Yipee-taekwondo-rogue-
a-motherfucker. Oh, shit!
1136
01:08:29,022 --> 01:08:31,900
Oh, god! Your breath
smells like cat-food.
1137
01:08:40,116 --> 01:08:41,534
Oh, I don't like this.
1138
01:08:52,712 --> 01:08:54,714
And I defended your hire.
1139
01:09:04,307 --> 01:09:07,978
- Does this happen every time?
- Yeah. Yeah, basically.
1140
01:09:11,022 --> 01:09:13,066
Not if you kill them
first, people.
1141
01:09:14,150 --> 01:09:16,151
Learn how to take the initiative
1142
01:09:16,152 --> 01:09:18,154
if you don't want me
to micro-manage.
1143
01:09:24,786 --> 01:09:26,496
This is about the story
as far as I...
1144
01:09:27,289 --> 01:09:29,958
Well, now it's time to go to work.
1145
01:09:33,044 --> 01:09:34,296
Oh, shit.
1146
01:09:37,882 --> 01:09:40,593
Jesus, those walls are thin.
1147
01:09:42,762 --> 01:09:44,431
So, my question is,
1148
01:09:45,181 --> 01:09:47,349
"when do you let your people
make their own mistakes
1149
01:09:47,350 --> 01:09:48,559
so that they can learn?"
1150
01:09:48,560 --> 01:09:51,437
And "when do you justjump in
and do the job yourself
1151
01:09:51,438 --> 01:09:52,604
because you're more efficient?"
1152
01:09:52,605 --> 01:09:54,983
- It's a balance to be sure.
- Yeah.
1153
01:09:55,191 --> 01:09:56,775
I'm going to need
a minute, Dave.
1154
01:09:56,776 --> 01:09:58,820
I think I've re-injured my back.
1155
01:10:04,326 --> 01:10:07,954
God damn it, Amanda! I
finally started boning her.
1156
01:10:09,080 --> 01:10:10,122
Sorry.
1157
01:10:10,123 --> 01:10:12,375
Whoa-ho-ho!
1158
01:10:12,542 --> 01:10:14,209
You know what?
That almost felt like...
1159
01:10:14,210 --> 01:10:17,629
Oh, come on. Whoa! Did
it just get dark?
1160
01:10:17,630 --> 01:10:19,381
Should we be intervening here?
1161
01:10:19,382 --> 01:10:21,885
I mean, we are losing
a lot of employees.
1162
01:10:22,052 --> 01:10:24,011
Oh, don't worry about it.
It's mostly marketing.
1163
01:10:24,012 --> 01:10:25,637
Oh, okay, I'll just run an ad.
1164
01:10:29,142 --> 01:10:32,020
Are you trying to repel me
with a cross made of pencils?
1165
01:10:33,605 --> 01:10:34,855
Still, a good manager knows
1166
01:10:34,856 --> 01:10:36,357
when his staff is
getting overextended.
1167
01:10:36,358 --> 01:10:39,526
Be a dear and call downstairs
for me, would you?
1168
01:10:39,527 --> 01:10:41,028
Can I use your office?
This is just,
1169
01:10:42,238 --> 01:10:43,697
yeah, feel free. Make
yourself at home.
1170
01:10:43,698 --> 01:10:45,033
I know you rigged the raffle
1171
01:10:45,241 --> 01:10:47,409
to win the office trip
to cabo this year.
1172
01:10:47,410 --> 01:10:48,745
That trip was mine!
1173
01:10:51,581 --> 01:10:53,458
You do not want to know
where that came from.
1174
01:10:59,047 --> 01:11:01,549
Who am I gonna get to stock
the supply closet now?
1175
01:11:02,175 --> 01:11:05,344
I'm not a vampire
expert, asshole.
1176
01:11:05,345 --> 01:11:09,641
Enough. I want my $20,
and then you die.
1177
01:11:10,517 --> 01:11:13,395
I'm saving it
for something else.
1178
01:11:23,488 --> 01:11:25,198
Why don't we ever go dancing?
1179
01:11:25,949 --> 01:11:28,284
Monday night is salsa
night at vida loca.
1180
01:11:33,248 --> 01:11:35,041
I hope you and
your dickhead pals
1181
01:11:35,250 --> 01:11:39,962
enjoyed picking on poor Dave,
because now my veins surge
1182
01:11:39,963 --> 01:11:42,589
with a thousand
generations of death.
1183
01:11:42,590 --> 01:11:47,886
My claws are like hammers,
my teeth are like swords!
1184
01:11:47,887 --> 01:11:51,224
I am vengeance!
And I am immortal!
1185
01:11:59,941 --> 01:12:02,025
I knew you were a good vampire.
1186
01:12:02,026 --> 01:12:05,029
I'm not a good vampire.
I just always hated Dave.
1187
01:12:08,533 --> 01:12:10,577
Well, what now, asshole?
1188
01:12:11,119 --> 01:12:13,996
Yeah, it looks like you're
fresh out of friends.
1189
01:12:13,997 --> 01:12:15,582
Nah, I'll make more.
1190
01:12:16,291 --> 01:12:18,792
Oh, that's a lot of blood!
1191
01:12:18,793 --> 01:12:19,877
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
1192
01:12:19,878 --> 01:12:22,672
- Area secure?
- Not in the slightest.
1193
01:12:24,674 --> 01:12:25,842
Fuck that ncaa pool.
1194
01:12:26,009 --> 01:12:28,635
That was a bullshit foul
at the end of the unc game.
1195
01:12:28,636 --> 01:12:29,971
Fucking Duke.
1196
01:12:30,138 --> 01:12:31,430
- You hungry?
- Yeah.
1197
01:12:31,431 --> 01:12:33,807
I can punch right into
this thing. It's hilarious.
1198
01:12:35,685 --> 01:12:37,645
Oh, honestly, guys,
1199
01:12:39,105 --> 01:12:41,107
did you really think it was
going to be that easy?
1200
01:12:41,691 --> 01:12:44,193
No, not at first, but then it...
1201
01:12:44,194 --> 01:12:46,737
- Once we got going, it was...
- Oh, come on!
1202
01:12:46,738 --> 01:12:48,739
You think I would attempt to
take over this entire company
1203
01:12:48,740 --> 01:12:50,492
without consulting legal first?
1204
01:12:53,536 --> 01:12:55,371
Oh, lawyers?
1205
01:13:00,752 --> 01:13:04,923
Amanda, a private word with
you in my office please.
1206
01:13:10,303 --> 01:13:13,430
Um, Amanda, where are you going?
1207
01:13:13,431 --> 01:13:17,477
Uh, I don't really
know actually.
1208
01:13:17,769 --> 01:13:19,895
Hey, remember when I did this
to your girlfriend in college
1209
01:13:19,896 --> 01:13:21,981
without using
supernatural powers?
1210
01:13:22,607 --> 01:13:24,066
Hey, I'm just saying why go pro
1211
01:13:24,067 --> 01:13:25,943
when your school has a
chance at the championships?
1212
01:13:25,944 --> 01:13:27,362
Run the risk of injury?
No way man.
1213
01:13:27,529 --> 01:13:29,072
You got to take the
money and run.
1214
01:13:30,573 --> 01:13:32,617
Evan, you can go
home for the Clay.
1215
01:13:32,784 --> 01:13:34,577
Frank, you can die.
1216
01:13:39,582 --> 01:13:40,874
It has been an honor
and a pleasure
1217
01:13:40,875 --> 01:13:42,377
to serve with you, colonel...
1218
01:13:42,919 --> 01:13:44,837
But it's time we parted ways.
1219
01:13:45,463 --> 01:13:47,839
Any-who, I'm going
to turn you now.
1220
01:13:47,840 --> 01:13:49,091
I hope that's cool.
1221
01:13:49,092 --> 01:13:51,010
No, I don't want to
be a vampire.
1222
01:13:51,803 --> 01:13:54,638
No, no, no, frank. They will,
they will eat you alive.
1223
01:13:54,639 --> 01:13:56,974
Literally. Literally, literally.
1224
01:13:56,975 --> 01:13:59,018
Not the bullshit way
most people use it.
1225
01:14:00,061 --> 01:14:01,520
You never know
if you're the kind of guy
1226
01:14:01,521 --> 01:14:04,565
who'll jump on a grenade,
till it lands at your feet.
1227
01:14:04,566 --> 01:14:06,024
Man, that's intense.
1228
01:14:06,025 --> 01:14:07,442
Being a vampire is amazing.
1229
01:14:07,443 --> 01:14:09,237
We had a crazy vampire
orgy last night.
1230
01:14:09,445 --> 01:14:11,154
It was mind-blowing.
1231
01:14:11,155 --> 01:14:12,865
Yeah, but I just got
some new golf clubs...
1232
01:14:13,157 --> 01:14:15,826
Thanks, frank. I'm
going to recommend you
1233
01:14:15,827 --> 01:14:18,954
for a meritorious service
medal when all this is over.
1234
01:14:18,955 --> 01:14:21,165
I'm not going to let
you stake me so...
1235
01:14:24,168 --> 01:14:25,461
Some pickle, huh?
1236
01:14:26,212 --> 01:14:29,340
Much obliged, sir. Now go
in there and kill our boss.
1237
01:14:35,930 --> 01:14:40,685
Come on! Come on, get him!
1238
01:14:42,520 --> 01:14:45,147
Oh, hey, pal! I was just
about to turn your girl
1239
01:14:45,148 --> 01:14:46,733
and fuck her on Ted's desk.
1240
01:14:47,859 --> 01:14:50,819
Sorry. My desk.
1241
01:14:50,820 --> 01:14:52,405
You fucking dick.
1242
01:14:53,239 --> 01:14:55,908
Amanda, you need to
focus on your job.
1243
01:14:56,492 --> 01:14:58,952
Hr is going to be swamped
with all the new hires
1244
01:14:58,953 --> 01:15:00,038
we're going to need.
1245
01:15:00,788 --> 01:15:02,706
Oh, let's just get
this over with.
1246
01:15:02,707 --> 01:15:04,249
I'd rather die than listen
1247
01:15:04,250 --> 01:15:06,502
to your lame management
style any longer.
1248
01:15:06,711 --> 01:15:11,049
My management style
is effective. And refreshing.
1249
01:15:11,424 --> 01:15:15,510
Okay, option seven, you just
eat like raccoons and stuff.
1250
01:15:15,511 --> 01:15:17,180
That is disgusting. No.
1251
01:15:19,349 --> 01:15:23,061
Evan, do you remember
what I said we sell here?
1252
01:15:24,145 --> 01:15:26,522
- Dreams?
- Yeah, that was bullshit.
1253
01:15:27,440 --> 01:15:28,815
We sell fear.
1254
01:15:28,816 --> 01:15:33,321
Option eight, I don't turn
you, I just kill you.
1255
01:15:33,529 --> 01:15:35,656
No, that doesn't work for me,
'cause then I'm just dead.
1256
01:15:35,657 --> 01:15:38,367
Our customers are afraid.
1257
01:15:38,368 --> 01:15:41,161
Afraid that life
is passing them by,
1258
01:15:41,162 --> 01:15:43,039
which to be fair, it is.
1259
01:15:44,123 --> 01:15:48,960
And that is why you
are perfect for this place.
1260
01:15:48,961 --> 01:15:52,465
Because you are a coward.
1261
01:15:55,385 --> 01:15:56,469
I'm s orry 7
1262
01:15:57,095 --> 01:15:59,388
okay, option nine, I let you go
1263
01:15:59,389 --> 01:16:01,223
but you have to promise
not to kill anyone.
1264
01:16:01,224 --> 01:16:02,809
No way, man. A vamp's got to eat.
1265
01:16:03,017 --> 01:16:05,770
You were afraid to tell Amanda
you love her because of why?
1266
01:16:06,688 --> 01:16:08,481
Because you work together?
1267
01:16:09,023 --> 01:16:10,858
Because she earns more than you?
1268
01:16:11,275 --> 01:16:13,903
Roshambo? Winner
chooses our fate?
1269
01:16:16,656 --> 01:16:19,992
One, two, three, yes! Sorry.
1270
01:16:20,702 --> 01:16:22,703
You didn't even have
the balls to quit
1271
01:16:22,704 --> 01:16:26,248
when this incompetent
turd passed you over
1272
01:16:26,249 --> 01:16:30,253
for the guy you hate most
on the face of the earth.
1273
01:16:30,712 --> 01:16:33,172
You are so afraid of life.
1274
01:16:34,424 --> 01:16:38,218
And you actually want
to be sales manager
1275
01:16:39,554 --> 01:16:40,929
Mandy!
1276
01:16:40,930 --> 01:16:43,223
We are trying to
have a conversation.
1277
01:16:48,438 --> 01:16:50,815
- Well, two out of three?
- Yeah.
1278
01:16:51,691 --> 01:16:53,276
One, two, three.
1279
01:16:55,278 --> 01:16:58,405
I am not going to change you.
That's right.
1280
01:16:58,406 --> 01:17:03,786
I'll leave you alive and stuck
in this pathetic pointless job
1281
01:17:04,078 --> 01:17:06,998
now, until the day you die.
1282
01:17:08,332 --> 01:17:09,542
This suit is bespoke.
1283
01:17:11,419 --> 01:17:12,795
One, two, three.
1284
01:17:14,046 --> 01:17:16,339
Sharing the desk
with the photo printer,
1285
01:17:16,340 --> 01:17:21,179
while I stay young with
the woman you love,
1286
01:17:21,721 --> 01:17:23,681
immortal at my side.
1287
01:17:27,769 --> 01:17:29,604
I'd rather fucking die first.
1288
01:17:31,439 --> 01:17:34,609
Yeah, yeah, that's
the way it works.
1289
01:17:46,662 --> 01:17:48,206
Holy shit!
1290
01:17:48,915 --> 01:17:50,999
I think I'm ready
to turn in my resignation.
1291
01:17:51,000 --> 01:17:52,001
Yeah.
1292
01:18:13,314 --> 01:18:16,442
You want this job? Then take it.
1293
01:18:18,152 --> 01:18:21,906
Die, you bloodsucking bastard!
1294
01:18:30,832 --> 01:18:32,333
Oh, shit.
1295
01:18:43,261 --> 01:18:46,806
Well, this is pretty much the
grossest thing I've ever seen.
1296
01:18:53,729 --> 01:18:57,650
I stand corrected. Yuk.
1297
01:19:02,488 --> 01:19:03,573
Hey.
1298
01:19:05,825 --> 01:19:07,702
Is all this Max's blood?
1299
01:19:09,412 --> 01:19:14,040
Uh, some of it's mine,
some of it's Evans.
1300
01:19:14,041 --> 01:19:15,042
Yeah.
1301
01:19:16,377 --> 01:19:17,378
Gross.
1302
01:19:18,504 --> 01:19:19,505
Yeah.
1303
01:19:21,007 --> 01:19:22,717
Hey, frank?
1304
01:19:23,759 --> 01:19:25,428
Lost in the line of duty.
1305
01:19:27,013 --> 01:19:28,847
I really liked that guy.
1306
01:19:28,848 --> 01:19:31,600
Well, on the plus side,
no more vamps.
1307
01:19:31,601 --> 01:19:32,602
Yeah.
1308
01:19:35,396 --> 01:19:38,273
Oh, hey, another work day.
1309
01:20:42,213 --> 01:20:44,214
Is it weird that I'm hungry?
1310
01:20:44,215 --> 01:20:45,299
Oh, I could eat.
1311
01:20:46,092 --> 01:20:47,468
Where do you guys wanna go?
1312
01:20:47,635 --> 01:20:50,345
Well, somewhere
without blood on it.
1313
01:20:50,346 --> 01:20:51,472
That rules out Denny's.
1314
01:20:53,599 --> 01:20:55,017
Have a pizza.
1315
01:20:58,896 --> 01:21:00,773
Sorry, mom. Are you still there?
1316
01:21:01,148 --> 01:21:03,441
Hey! Yeah.
1317
01:21:03,442 --> 01:21:05,653
No, you'll never guess
what happened at work.
1318
01:21:06,862 --> 01:21:08,364
Oh, you could hear it
the whole time?
1319
01:21:27,299 --> 01:21:28,509
Bastardo!
1320
01:21:32,513 --> 01:21:36,307
Welcome to the team.
1321
01:21:36,308 --> 01:21:37,685
My office in 10.
94512
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