All language subtitles for Blessed.Event.1932.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX].eng

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IT'S AGAINST ALL DECENCY,
MR. MILLER,

TO ALLOW DIRT LIKE THIS
IN YOUR NEWSPAPER,

I DEMAND THAT SOMETHING
BE DONE ABOUT IT!

IT
IS
PRETTY ROUGH,
BUT I JUST GOT BACK
FROM EUROPE.

IT TAKES A WHILE
TO GET AROUND TO THINGS.

YOU CAN'T
GET AROUND TO THIS THING
ANY TOO FAST.

I WAS THE ONLY ONE
IN THE HOUSE THAT LOOKED
AT THE MORNING PAPER,

BUT SINCE YOU'VE BEEN
RUNNING THIS FILTH
ABOUT BLESSED EVENTS,

MY WIFE
AND 2 DAUGHTERS--
EVEN MY MAID--

MAKE A BEELINE
FOR THAT PAPER.

IT SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED
IN RESPECTABLE HOMES.

WHERE I COME FROM, WE'D TAKE
A MAN LIKE MR. MOXLEY AND
RIDE HIM OUT OF TOWN!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S COME
OVER HIM, BUT I'LL
TALK WITH HIM.

[BUZZ]

YES, MR. MILLER?

TELL MOXLEY
I WANT TO SEE HIM.

MR. MOXLEY'S
ON HIS VACATION.

THERE. YOU SEE?
I KNEW IT DIDN'T
SOUND LIKE MOXLEY,

BUT I'M GLAD YOU
CALLED MY ATTENTION
TO THIS.

I'LL FIND OUT WHO'S
RUNNING THAT COLUMN,
AND HE'LL HEAR FROM ME.

THANK YOU, SIR.
THANK YOU.

[BUZZ]

ANYONE ELSE WAITING?

A WHOLE OFFICE FULL,
AND THEY ALL HAVE KICKS
TO REGISTER

ABOUT THAT COLUMN.

SAY, WHO'S WRITING
THIS DYNAMITE?

A YOUNG KID
FROM THE ADVERTISING
DEPARTMENT.

HIS NAME
IS ALVIN ROBERTS.

[SLOW TYPING]

WE'LL BOTH SAVE TIME
IF YOU DICTATE.

I'M NO GOOD
AT DICTATING.

WHAT ARE YOU GOOD AT?
YOU'RE CERTAINLY
NO GOOD AT TYPING.

I'D BE IF I COULD
FIND THE "H."
WHERE'S THE "H"?

Q, W, E, R--NEVER MIND.
I GOT IT.

OH, NUTS.
WHERE'S THE "X"?

WHAT DO YOU WANT
WITH "X"?

I WANT TO "X" OUT
THAT LAST WORD.

OH, COME ON.
LET ME TAKE IT.

WHAT DO YOU GOT?

A BLESSED EVENT.

NOT ANOTHER!

SURE. HOT! BUSINESS
IS PICKING UP.

YOU WIN, MR. ROBERTS.
PROCEED WITH
THE OBSTETRICS.

HUH? I GET IT.
HA HA!

"THE THOMAS H."--AND PUT
IN PARENTHESIS, THE WAY I DO--

"(LEHIGH STEEL) CORRIGANS,
WHO WERE SO QUIETLY MARRIED
LATE THIS SUMMER,

ANTICIPATE
A BLESSED EVENT--"

DASH DASH--"IN OCTOBER."

AND PUT A LOT OF
EXCLAMATION POINTS AFTER IT.

SAY, YOU CAN'T
PRINT THAT.

WHY NOT?

WELL...

I KNOW. LET THE CORRIGANS
WORRY ABOUT THAT.

KEEP IT UP! I'M JUST
WAITING FOR MR. MOXLEY
TO GET BACK.

THINK HE'S
GOING TO BE SORE?

NO. HE'LL LOVE THESE
LETTERS FROM PEOPLE
WHO'RE GONNA BEAT HIM UP.

THOSE ARE FROM BUNNY HARMON
AND HIS PUBLIC.

IF MOXLEY ALLOW,
I COULD DIG UP PLENTY
OF DIRT ON THAT MUG.

WHAT DO YOU GOT
AGAINST BUNNY HARMON?

HE'S A CROONER, AIN'T HE?
YEAH!

AIN'T THAT ENOUGH? BESIDES,
I'LL NEVER FORGET THE TIME
HE GETS ME CANNED FROM WNYN.

MY MOTHER ALMOST
STARVES TO DEATH
FOR 2 WEEKS

UNTIL I GET A JOB
IN THE AD DEPARTMENT
ON THE
EXPRESS.

I SEE. A ROBERTS
NEVER FORGETS.

YOU'RE DOGGONE RIGHT.
IF I EVER GET THAT GUY
ALONE SOMETIME--

HELLO.

YEAH, HE IS.

YEAH, I'LL TELL HIM,
MISS SLOAN. GOOD-BYE.

FOR ME?

IT CERTAINLY WAS.

MR. MILLER WOULD
LIKE TO SEE YOU
IN 15 MINUTES.

WONDER WHAT HE WANTS.

I DON'T KNOW.
SOMETHING TELLS ME,
ALVIN,

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO
BE WITH US
MUCH LONGER.

I WORKED FOR 3 YEARS
TO GET MYSELF UP
TO 35 BUCKS A WEEK.

HA HA! NO, NO NO.
MOXLEY WOULDN'T LET
THEM TIE THE CAN ON ME.

THE LAST THING MR. MOXLEY
TOLD YOU WAS TO LAY OFF
THOSE BIRTH ITEMS.

COULD I HELP IT?
I HAD TO FILL UP
THE COLUMN.

ALL I'M DOING
IS GET THE DIRT
ON SOMEBODY.

YEAH,
SO I'VE NOTICED.

WELL, I THINK I'LL GO DOWN
TO THE COMPOSING ROOM
AND SEE HOW THIS STUFF LOOKS.

YOU'RE NOT REALLY
GOING TO RUN THAT?

SURE! THIS MAY BE
MY LAST COLUMN.

I GOT TO HAVE A PUNCH LINE
FOR THE TOP.

SAY, MISS PRICE,
I'M ALVIN ROBERTS,

THE GUY WHO'S
SUBBING FOR MOXLEY.

SOMEDAY, WHEN YOU'VE
GOT TIME, I'D LIKE
YOUR EXPERT OPINION.

ALRIGHT.

I'VE BEEN
READING YOUR CHATTER
FOR A LONG TIME,

I THINK
EVERYTHING YOU WRITE
IS GREAT.

OH, THANKS.
DO YOU EVER READ MY STUFF?

YES.

THAT'S WHAT I WANTED
TO ASK. HONEST, NOW.

JUST WHAT DO YOU
THINK OF IT?

WELL, NOW THAT
YOU ASK ME,

I'D PUT IT IN
ABOUT THE SAME CLASS
AS COLLECTING GARBAGE.

HELLO, STEVIE.
HELLO, GLADYS.

WHEN DOES
GEORGE GET BACK?

EXPECT HIM BY
END OF WEEK,
IF I LIVE THAT LONG.

RAN ONTO A YARN
ABOUT CONY BENNET
AND LILLY TASHMAN

THAT I THOUGHT HE
COULD USE, UNLESS YOU
WANNA RUN IT SOONER.

NO! IF THIS FOOL
ROBERTS GOT HOLD OF IT,

HE'D HAVE THEM
WITH TWINS
FOR THE EARLY EDITION.

WHY'D THEY LET HIM
TAKE OVER THE COLUMN?

HE WAS ALWAYS RUNNING UP
FROM THE AD DEPARTMENT
WITH ITEMS,

SOME OF THEM
PRETTY GOOD,

SO MOXLEY GAVE HIM
A CHANCE TO SHOW
WHAT HE COULD DO.

NOBODY EVER DREAMED
HE'D RUN WILD.

GEORGE WILL
WANNA KILL HIM
WHEN HE FINDS OUT.

HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE.
THERE'S A LOT OF
COMPETITION FOR THE JOB.

WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE
THOSE GUYS WANTED TO DO?

PUT QUESTION MARKS
AFTER THAT CORRIGAN
BIRTH ITEM

INSTEAD OF
EXCLAMATION POINTS.

MAYBE THEY THOUGHT
YOU MADE A MISTAKE
IN THE MONTH.

YOU HAVEN'T MET
MISS PRICE,
HAVE YOU?

THIS IS
ALVIN ROBERTS,
GLADYS.

OH, YES.
WE'VE ALREADY MET.

HEY. LOOKS LIKE
KING'S STOREHOUSE
AFTER THE BLIZZARD.

LOOK WHO'S HERE!
WELCOME HOME.
HOW ARE YOU, GEORGE?

H-H-H-HAVE
A NICE TRIP?

WHAT HAVE YOU
BEEN DOING TO
MY COLUMN?

I TELL YOU, MR. MOXLEY,
IT'S THIS WAY--

I TOLD YOU TO LAY OFF
THAT STUFF ABOUT
WOMEN HAVING KIDS?

I INVENTED A NEW WAY
OF SAYING IT.

WHAT NEW WAY?

"ANTICIPATES
A BLESSED EVENT."

SO YOU
INVENTED THAT, EH?

WELL, I READ IT SOMEWHERE,
AND I REMEMBERED IT.

Sarcastically:
YOU DID?

YEAH.

STEVIE, YOU WERE HERE.
WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP HIM?

I TRIED TO EVERY DAY,
BUT HE WOULDN'T
LISTEN TO ME.

WHAT HAVE WE GOT
A MANAGING EDITOR FOR?

DOESN'T HE KNOW
THE LIBEL LAWS?

IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T
BEEN SUED BEFORE THIS!

WE HAVE.
TWICE THIS WEEK.

WHAT?!

THEY CAN'T COLLECT.
HA HA! I GOT THE DOPE
ON THEM BOTH.

HAVE YOU GONE CRAZY,
USING MY COLUMN TO PRINT
A LOT OF DIRTY STORIES?

I'VE A MIND
TO SOCK YOU
IN THE NOSE.

GOOD EVENING.

HOW ARE YOU, MR. MILLER?

YOU'VE BEEN AWAY,
HAVEN'T YOU?

YES. I JUST
GOT IN.

IS THIS THE MAN
THAT'S BEEN RUNNING
YOUR COLUMN?

HE HAS.
OH, YES. MR. ROBERTSON,

ROBERTS.

SOLICITOR
IN THE WANT ADS.

I KNOW. THEY'LL
HAVE TO GET ALONG
WITHOUT HIM.

IF IT'S ON ACCOUNT
OF THOSE LIBEL SUITS,
I'VE GOT PROOF!

THAT'S ALRIGHT,
MY BOY.

MOXLEY,
I'VE BEEN THINKING
FOR SOME TIME

THAT YOU'RE TOO GOOD
TO BE WASTED
ON THIS COLUMN.

I'VE GOT A SERIES
OF SUNDAY STORIES
IN MIND

THAT OUGHT TO BE
RIGHT UP YOUR ALLEY

AND A CHANCE TO DO
SOMETHING BIG.

WELL, WHO'S GOING TO
HOLD DOWN THIS JOB?

WE FIGURED ROBERTS
HAS BEEN DOING ALRIGHT.

YOU LIKE IT,
MR. MILLER?

IN A WAY.
BUT SOME OF IT'S BAD!

IF I HAD THE COLUMN REGULAR,
I COULD CUT OUT THOSE
BLESSED EVENTS AND STUFF.

THAT'S JUST WHAT
I DON'T WANT YOU TO DO.
TOMORROW'S COLUMN?

YES.

"THE THOMAS H.
(LEHIGH STEEL) CORRIGANS,

"WHO WERE MARRIED SO QUIETLY
LATE THIS SUMMER,

ANTICIPATE A BLESSED EVENT
IN OCTOBER!"

HOLY SMOKE! THAT'LL
RAISE THE DEVIL IN SOUTHAMPTON.

BUT THAT'S ALRIGHT.
GIVE US MORE OF THAT.

WE'LL CHANGE THE NAME
OF THIS COLUMN FROM
"BROADWAY HIGH-LIGHTS"

TO "SPILLING THE DIRT."

YOU'D PUT MY NAME ON IT?
CERTAINLY.

THAT'S WONDERFUL!
THAT'S ALRIGHT, MY BOY.

THE JOB'S YOURS,
AND THE SALARY IS
$50 A WEEK.

THAT'S ALL?
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
DON'T YOU WANT IT?

YES, SIR!
THANK YOU,
MR. MILLER.

I'VE JUST BEEN
TELLING MR. MILLER,

I THINK
YOU'VE HIT ON
SOMETHING BIG.

WHY, OUR CIRCULATION
HAS JUMPED UP
15.000--

THERE'S NO WAY OF TELLING
WHAT THAT COMES FROM,
HANSON.

GIVING ROBERTS THE COLUMN
IS PURELY AN EXPERIMENT.

YES, SIR.

WE'LL HOPE THAT IT
TURNS OUT FOR THE BEST.

MR. MILLER, HE GOT US INTO
2 LIBEL SUITS THIS WEEK!

THAT'S ALRIGHT.
ANYBODY CAN BE
SUED FOR LIBEL.

COME TO THE OFFICE,
AND WE'LL TALK OVER
THOSE SUNDAY FEATURES.

WANT YOU
TO DO SOMETHING
OUT OF THE ORDINARY,

SOMETHING DISTINCTIVE,
SOMETHING THAT'S UNUSUAL.

ALRIGHT.
I'LL GO OUT
AND GET DRUNK.

GOING TO WISH ME LUCK?
I DON'T HAVE TO.

YOU MUST HAVE BEEN BORN
WITH A HORSESHOE
AROUND YOUR NECK.

COME ON. COME ON. COME ON.
WHERE ARE YOU?

REGION 4-5000.

TAKE THIS, STEVENS.
WHEN I SNAP MY FINGERS,
I MEAN PARENTHESIS.

"THE FOLLOWING ANTICIPATE
BLESSED EVENTS:

"MR. AND MRS. LOUIS
(ART GALLERY) SCHOENBERG,

"THE COUNTESS GRACE
(VANDERPOOL) VALLENBOY,

MR. AND MRS.
GEORGE CARFIELD JR.--"

HELLO.

GENERAL MATERNITY
HOSPITAL.

CONNECT ME WITH MISS GREENE
IN THE MATERNITY WARD.

[RING]

HELLO?

HELLO, SUGAR. THIS IS ALVIN.
I GOT THAT JOB REGULAR.

OOH, THAT'S FINE.

THE SAME ARRANGEMENTS
STILL GO.

$1.00 APIECE
FOR ALL I CAN USE,

BUT I WANT THE NAMES
THE VERY MINUTE
THEY BOOK THE ROOMS.

YOU GOT IT.

[RING]

MR. ROBERTS' OFFICE.

NO, NOT YET.

YOU MIGHT TRY HIM
IN AN HOUR. OKAY.

[HANGS UP TELEPHONE]

OH...

MR. ROBERTS?

YOU MEAN,
MY--MY ASSISTANT?

IS HE REALLY
YOUR ASSISTANT?

SURE. WHAT DID YOU
WANT TO SEE HIM ABOUT?

I WANNA GET
AN INTERVIEW
WITH HIM.

O.K., BABE. STICK AROUND.
I'LL FIX IT UP.

EDDIE, YOU CAN GO
FOR THE MAIL NOW.

YES, MA'AM.

THIS LADY WOULD LIKE
TO SEE MR. ROBERTS.
WHEN DO YOU EXPECT HIM?

AFTER A YEAR WITH MR. ROBERTS,
I EXPECT ANYTHING.

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

JEFFERSON
HIGH SCHOOL.

WHAT DO YOU WANT
TO INTERVIEW MR. ROBERTS
ABOUT?

HOW HE LIVES
AND WHERE HE GOES
AND WHAT HE THINKS ABOUT.

MY DEAR, YOU THINK
THEY WOULD PRINT THAT
IN A HIGH-SCHOOL PAPER?

[RING]

MR. ROBERTS' OFFICE.
NO, MADAM. HE ISN'T IN.

OH, YOU'RE NOT A MADAM?
WELL, I COULDN'T TELL
FROM HERE.

NO, MR. ROBERTS DOESN'T
SEND OUT ANY PHOTOGRAPHS.

WHAT DO
YOU
LOOK LIKE?
OH, YOU DO?

WHY DON'T YOU SEND HIM ONE?
GOOD-BYE.

[RING]

MR. ROBERTS?
NO, HE'S NOT IN.

TRY THE SPEAKEASY
ON 57th STREET.

ROBERTS IN YET?

BACK THERE.
WHERE?

HIDING
IN THE KEYHOLE.

LISTEN, I'M SERIOUS!

I KNOW.
I WAS SERIOUS
MYSELF ONCE,

AND THEN ALVIN
CAME INTO MY LIFE.

NOW I LAUGH
THE LIVELONG DAY.
HEE HEE HEE!

WHEN DO YOU EXPECT
MR. ROBERTS?

IT MAY BE DAYS,
WEEKS OR YEARS.

I WOULDN'T WAIT.

I'LL COME BACK
LATER.

[RING]

MR. ROBERTS' OFFICE.
GUS BERNSTEIN?

SURE, SEND IT IN.
HE'D LOVE IT.

GUS BERNSTEIN'S
WRITTEN A NEW
SONG ENTITLED

I'LL TELL IT
TO
ALVIN ROBERTS 'CAUSE
I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW.

ALVIN OUGHT TO
GO FOR THAT.

[RING]

THESE PHONES ARE LIKE
TENNYSON'S BROOK.
THEY GO ON FOREVER.

MR. ROBERTS' OFFICE.
YOU WANT TO SEE MR. ROBERTS?

OH, YOU WANT TO
SUE
MR. ROBERTS.

THE LINE FORMS ON THE LEFT.

[RING]
[RING]

[RING]

[RING]

[RING]

MR. ROBERTS' OFFICE.

HE'S NOT IN.

HELLO, STEVIE.

I GOT A HOT ONE
FOR THE COLUMN.

SO YOU'RE
A STOOL PIGEON
FOR ALVIN, TOO?

IT ALL HELPS CIRCULATION.

THERE'S A DOORMAN AT THE
CLUB ROMANOV WHO'S REALLY
GENERAL VASELAVICH.

USED TO BE A BIG SHOT
IN THE RUSSIAN ARMY.

DIDN'T THEY HAVE
ANY PRIVATES
IN THE RUSSIAN ARMY?

THEY MUST HAVE.

WHERE'S ROBERTS?

HE PHONED HE OVERSLEPT
A LITTLE THIS MORNING.

MORNING? WHY,
IT'S NEARLY 5:00.

IT'S STILL MORNING
TO HIM.

THE MINUTE ROBERTS GETS IN,
TELL HIM I WANT TO SEE HIM.

DID YOU HAVE
AN APPOINTMENT, CHIEF?

AN APPOINTMENT?
WITH WHO?

WITH MR. ROBERTS.
I UNDERSTAND IT'S
A NEW RULE AROUND HERE.

THERE'S GOING TO BE
A NEW RULE AROUND HERE,
BUT
I'M
GOING TO MAKE IT.

MOXLEY, HOW'S
THE NEW PET DEPARTMENT
GETTING ALONG?

GREAT. TOMORROW
I'M RUNNING AN INTERVIEW
WITH A FLEA

AND HOW HE GOT RID
OF HIS DOGS.

YOU MEAN, HOW A DOG
GOT RID OF HIS FLEAS.

NO. I'M SAVING THAT
FOR NEXT WEEK.

MOXLEY, YOU'VE GOT
A GREAT OPPORTUNITY
TO BUILD UP CIRCULATION.

THERE ARE MILLIONS
OF PEOPLE WITH PETS.

THERE ARE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE
WITH BALD HEADS, TOO.

COULDN'T I BE
THE DANDRUFF EDITOR?

[RING]

HELLO?
NO, MR. ROBERTS
HASN'T COME IN YET.

YEAH, HE RUNS POETRY,
THOUGH I DON'T KNOW WHY.

MR. ROBERTS?
YEAH?

I WON'T TAKE UP
MUCH TIME.

I'M ON THE STAFF OF
OUR HIGH-SCHOOL PAPER,
I'D LIKE AN INTERVIEW.

COME BACK SATURDAY
AT 6:00.

SATURDAY AT 6:00?
THANK YOU, MR. ROBERTS.

DON'T MENTION IT.

Stevens: SATURDAY'S
YOUR DAY OFF.

YOU'RE TELLING ME.
WHO WAS THAT KID?

ONE OF YOUR ADMIRERS
FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

WE HAD ONE YESTERDAY
FROM KINDERGARTEN.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW
THAT I DON'T?

THE BOSS WANTS
TO SEE YOU.

LET HIM WAIT.
I
GOT
TO HAVE
A PUNCH LINE.

DIDN'T YOU GET
ANYTHING LAST NIGHT?

SURE, I GOT SOMETHING.
I GOT A HANGOVER.

I MUST HAVE BEEN IN 15
NIGHTCLUBS, AND NOTHING
HAPPENS, NOT EVEN A RAID.

LOOK. 500 SMACKERS
FROM CAMPUS HUMOR
FOR 3 HOURS' WORK.

WHAT OTHER EGG
IS DRAGGING THAT DOWN?

AND I GOT 1.000 BUCKS FOR
MY RADIO TALK LAST NIGHT.

THAT'S MORE THAN
AMOS & ANDY GET.

AND THEY'VE
TO BLACK UP, TOO.

NO. THEY JUST
TALK THAT WAY.

ANY OTHER MESSAGES?

NOT THAT I KNOW OF.
OH, YEAH!
I ALMOST FORGOT.

MRS. SADYE MOSKOWITZ
OF 4268 BRIGGS AVENUE,
THE BRONX,

IS EXPECTING A BABY.

WHO?

MRS. SADYE
MOSKOWITZ.

[BRONX ACCENT]
SADYE WITH A "Y."

I MIGHT RUN IT.
IT MIGHT BE A LAUGH.

NOT WITH MR. MOSKOWITZ.
I BET HE BUYS 50 COPIES.

WE COULD GET IT SYNDICATED
IN ALL THE JEWISH PAPERS.

YOU KNOW HOW MANY JEWS
THERE ARE IN NEW YORK?

MUST BE DOZENS.

COME ON. I KNOW THAT MANY
PERSONALLY.

TAKE THIS, STEVENS.

"MRS. SADYE MOSKOWITZ
OF 4268 BRIGGS AVENUE,
THE BRONX,

IS PREPARING
HER SEVENTH BASSINET."

HMM. HER HUSBAND.

"HER HUSBAND JOE MOSKOWITZ
SAYS,
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
UNEMPLOYMENT?"

OH, ANY NEW
LIBEL SUITS TODAY?

ONE THREATENED.

ONE? I MUST BE SLIPPING.
WHO IS IT?

THE CAMPUS NIGHTCLUB.
THEY'RE SORE BECAUSE
YOU KNOCKED THEIR BEER.

I ONLY SAID
IT LOOKED OUT OF PLACE
IN A STEIN.

HERE'S SOMETHING
THAT MIGHT
CHEER YOUR DAY--

AN EDITORIAL ABOUT YOU
IN THE
EVENING STAR.

A BOOST, HUH?

BOOST IS HARDLY
THE WORD.

OH, A RAZZ?
SEE HOW IT STRIKES YOU.

"TABLOID JOURNALISM
AT ITS WORST."

WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
READ IT.

I CAN'T.
IT AIN'T ENGLISH.

"AMERICAN JOURNALISM
HAS PASSED THROUGH
SOME SORDID PHASES,

BUT MR. ROBERTS ACHIEVES
THE ABSOLUTE NADIR."

NADIR? WHAT'S A NADIR?

SEARCH ME.

LOOK IT UP. NADIR.
N-A-D-I-R.

"IF YOUR WIFE IS TO HAVE
THE SACRED EXPERIENCE
OF MOTHERHOOD,

"MR. ROBERTS PREDICTS
THE DAY AND THE HOUR
FOR THE PUBLIC'S AMUSEMENT.

"PRESENTLY,
IT IS NOT IMPOSSIBLE

HE WILL BE GIVING
THE FULL CIRCUMSTANCES
OF THE CONCEPTION."

I'LL GET THOSE GUYS
IF IT TAKES 10 YEARS!

HERE YOU ARE.
"NADIR. LOWEST POINT.
LESS THAN NOTHING."

SO THAT'S WHAT I AM?
A NADIR? I'LL SHOW THEM.

IT COMES FROM
THE ARABIAN.

I TOLD YOU
IT WASN'T ENGLISH.

SO I'M AN ARABIAN NADIR.
THAT'S WHAT I AM.

I WOULDN'T
WORRY ABOUT IT.

WHO'S WORRYING?
HERE I AM DRAGGING
DOWN $90.000 A YEAR

FROM MY COLUMN,
MY SYNDICATE STUFF,
MY RADIO TALKS.

I SHOULD CARE WHAT
A $100-A-WEEK EDITORIAL WRITER
SAYS ABOUT ME?

SURE. WHY SHOULD YOU?

I'M GONNA FIND OUT
WHO WROTE THAT.

IF HE EVER DID ANYTHING,
IF HIS MOTHER
DID ANYTHING,

IF HIS
GRANDMOTHER
EVER DID ANYTHING,
THE PUBLIC'S GOING TO KNOW.

THINK I'LL SUE HIM FOR LIBEL.
I WOULDN'T DO THAT.

PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS SUING ME.
I CAN SUE SOMEBODY FOR A CHANGE.

I'M A NADIR.
HA HA!

WHAT ARE THESE?

BUNNY HARMON MAIL
FROM WOMEN ASKING YOU
TO STOP KNOCKING HIM.

HOW MANY?
39.

9 MORE THAN YESTERDAY.
WHY DO THEY FALL FOR
THAT PANSY?

OH, HE'S NOT BAD.

THINK I'LL TAKE
ANOTHER CRACK AT HIM.
TAKE THIS, STEVIE.

"BUNNY HARMON, THE WELL-KNOWN
MEGAPHONY, IS SAID TO BE
THE ABSOLUTE NADIR--"

HUH?

NADIR. WRITE IT DOWN.
YOU HEARD ME. N-A-D-I-R.

"...OF AMERICAN
SAXOPHONISTS."

THAT OUGHT TO BRING IN
A COUPLE MORE LETTERS.

IT WILL.

WHERE ARE THE EVENING PAPERS?
THE BOY HASN'T BROUGHT THEM YET.

GET THEM FOR ME.
SOMETIMES THERE'S
SOMETHING IN THEM.

O.K. CAN I RUN DOWN
TO THE DRY CLEANERS
BEFORE IT CLOSES?

SURE. GO AHEAD.

[HUMMING]

TAKE THIS, STEVIE--OH.

"TRY A HURRICANE COCKTAIL--

"ONE PART GIN,
ONE PART TOMATO JUICE,
AND ONE PART CHAMPAGNE--

"AND YOU'LL NEVER KNOW
THERE WAS A DEPRESSION.

THE HOWARD"--MMM.

GET ME THE HOTEL MAYFIELD,
BABY. RIGHT.

"THE HOWARD
(BETTY BARNS) UPDYKES

HAVE PHFFT."
P-H-F-F-T.

[RING]

YEAH? LET ME HAVE
CONSTANCE CONNER'S ROOM, PLEASE.

THANKS.

"IT'LL BE A B--

IT'LL BE A BOY
AT THE REGINALD TAYLORS
ON FIFTH AVENUE."

PERIOD.

"THEY CAN TELL
BY THE HEARTBEATS, YOU DOPE."

HELLO. HELLO,
CONSTANCE CONNER?

YES?

UMM...THIS IS
THE HOUSE DETECTIVE.

YOU'LL HAVE TO GET
THAT MAN OUT OF YOUR ROOM
RIGHT AWAY.

WHY, THE IDEA!
THERE'S NO MAN
IN MY ROOM.

OH, YES, THERE IS.

WILL YOU GIVE ME
5 MINUTES?

PLEASE.
I'LL GET HIM OUT.

SEE THAT YOU DO.
WHAT KIND OF A HOTEL
DO YOU THINK THIS IS?

"MISS CONSTANCE CONNER
IS BACK IN CIRCULATION."

YOU ROBERTS?

YEAH. WHAT ABOUT IT?

A LOT ABOUT IT.

YOU AND ME'S
GOING TO HAVE
A LITTLE TALK, SEE?

[RING]

I WOULDN'T
ANSWER THAT.

[RING]

YOU AIN'T IN, SEE?

NOW LISTEN, BABY.

YOU'VE BEEN PULLING A LOT OF
CRACKS ABOUT A PAL, SAM GOBEL,
AND HE DON'T LIKE IT.

SO I'M TELLING YOU TO LAY OFF,
OR SOMEBODY'S GOING FOR A BUGGY
RIDE, AND NEVER COMING BACK.

WHEN DID I SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT GOBEL?

LAST MONDAY WAS ONCE.
GET THIS.

"THAT SNOOTY SIN DEN
ON EAST 57th STREET

"IS REALLY OWNED
BY A BROADWAY
PUBLIC ENEMY

"THAT THE JUNIOR-LEAGUE
DEBS WOULD FAINT AT

IF THEY SAW HIM
IN THE PLACE."

THAT DON'T MENTION
GOBEL.

NO, BUT THERE AIN'T
NOBODY ELSE THAT FITS.

SAM DON'T LIKE IT,
AND WHAT'S MORE,
I
DON'T LIKE IT.

UM...

WHO ARE YOU?

JUST CALL ME FRANKIE.

FRAN--
NOT FRANKIE WELLS?

YOU AIN'T SO DUMB,
AT THAT.

I THOUGHT YOUR HANGOUT
WAS IN CHICAGO.

IT IS, MOSTLY,
BUT THEY GOT A LOT
OF UNEMPLOYMENT,

SO SAM ASKED ME TO COME
AND FIX UP FEW THINGS
FOR HIM HERE.

SO I'M
ONE OF THEM.

YEAH. ONE OF THEM.

BUMPING OFF
THAT CHINESE LAUNDRYMAN
DOWN MacDOUGALL STREET

WAS THE OTHER ONE?

WHERE DID YOU
GET THAT?

I GET AROUND.
YOU AIN'T DENYING IT,
ARE YOU?

NOT TO YOU.
I DON'T CARE IF
YOU KNOW I DID IT,

BECAUSE YOU AIN'T
GOING TO MAKE NO TROUBLE
FOR ME OR NOBODY ELSE.

GET ME?
I GOT YOU.

I CAN TAKE CARE OF YOU
THE SAME AS I
TOOK CARE OF THE CHINK.

THERE'LL BE NOTHING ON ME
NOBODY CAN USE IN COURT.
I JUST WASN'T AROUND.

SURE, I KNOW.

GOBEL FIXES UP
SOME SWELL ALIBIS
FOR HIS BOYS.

YOU BET HE DOES,
AND THE ONE WE GOT
FRAMED FOR YOU IS A PIP.

I GOT YOUR PAPERS,
MR. ROBERTS.

THANKS.
ANYTHING ELSE, MR. ROBERTS?

YEAH, YEAH.
TAKE THESE RECORDS
DOWNSTAIRS FOR ME.

O.K., MR. ROBERTS.
WAIT A MINUTE.

HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
BE VERY, VERY, VERY
CAREFUL WITH IT, WILL YOU?

O.K., MR. ROBERTS.

THEN I CAN GO BACK
AND TELL SAM
EVERYTHING'S JAKE?

SURE. SURE.
TELL HIM THAT.

NO HARD FEELINGS?
NO. NO HARD FEELINGS.

THEN I WON'T BE
SEEING YOU.

WAIT A MINUTE!
I GOT SOMETHING
I WANT TO SHOW YOU.

SHOW ME WHAT?

SOMETHING I GOT HERE.

WHAT IS THAT?

RUTH SNYDER IN THE
ELECTRIC CHAIR.

WAS STANDING NEXT
TO THE GUY THAT TOOK IT.

YOU WAS?

SHE WASN'T MUCH FURTHER AWAY
THAN I'M FROM YOU, THE CHAIR
WAS SAME, ONLY BIGGER,

WITH STRAPS ON IT
TO FASTEN YOU DOWN.

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

RUTH SNYDER
IN THE ELECTRIC CHAIR.

WHAT DO I CARE ABOUT
THE ELECTRIC CHAIR?

YOU OUGHT TO.
YOU MIGHT BE CLOSER TO IT
THAN YOU THINK.

ARE YOU TRYING
TO PULL SOME GAG?

NOBODY'S GOT
NOTHING ON ME!

NO? I WOULDN'T BE
TOO SURE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

EVER SEEN ONE OF THOSE?
IT TAKES DOWN
EVERYTHING YOU SAY.

I SWITCHED IT ON WHEN YOU
SPOKE ABOUT THAT CHINAMAN,
AND WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO TO ME.

IN YOUR OWN WORDS
IN THAT RECORD THE BOY TOOK.

WOULDN'T DO YOU GOOD TO SHOOT ME
UNLESS YOU SHOT THAT RECORD,

BECAUSE THEY CAN RUN IT OFF
FOR A JURY ANYTIME.

CLOAKING ME WOULD MEAN
THEY'D HAVE YOU FOR 2 MURDERS
NOT ONE,

AND ONE TRIP
TO THAT CHAIR IS PLENTY.

GO THERE SOMETIME
AND SEE THEM BURN SOMEBODY?

I'M TELLING YOU,
YOU'D NEVER FORGET.

THE ROOM WAS ABOUT
THE SIZE OF THIS ONE.

THE WITNESSES ARE ON
BENCHES, AND THE CHAIR
IS RIGHT ABOUT HERE.

THERE'S A WIRE COMING UP
WITH A RUBBER CAP.

INSIDE IS A SPONGE SOAKED
IN SALT WATER, THEY STRAP
THAT ON YOUR LEG RIGHT HERE.

THAT'S WHAT CAUSES
ALL THE STEAM.

KIND OF BLUE.
IN HERE IS
A SMALLER ROOM.

THAT'S WHERE THE SLABS ARE.
THEY LAY YOU THERE WHEN
THEY BANDAGE YOUR LEG.

WHAT FOR?
DIDN'T YOU KNOW?

THE RIGHT LEG.
THE ONE THAT GETS THE JUICE.

WHEN THEY UNDO THE STRAPS
AND LIFT YOU OUT,

THAT RIGHT LEG SNAPS UP
WITH A KINK, AND YOUR HEEL
HITS YOUR BACKSIDE.

THEY TIE IT STRAIGHT WHILE
IT'S WARM, ELSE THEY'D NEVER
GET YOU INTO A COFFIN.

LAY OFF!

HERE IS A DOOR
FROM THE DEATH HOUSE.

YOU'VE BEEN THERE HOPING
AT THE LAST MINUTE,

SOMEBODY WILL COME WITH
A PARDON FROM THE GOVERNOR,
BUT NOBODY COMES.

IT'S THOSE LAST 8 HOURS
THAT DRIVE YOU NUTS--

THAT WAITING
AND WAITING.

YOU ORDER A BIG DINNER,
AND WHEN YOU EAT,
YOU THROW UP

BECAUSE YOU GOT NO HOPE
TO BRACE YOU UP.

FINALLY, BEFORE MIDNIGHT,
THE WARDEN COMES. HE'S ON
TIME. HE'S NEVER BEEN LATE YET.

HE'S COME TO TAKE YOU
FOR A RIDE--ONLY IT'S
A WALK, FRANKIE.

A SLOW WALK,
LIKE THIS, SEE?

YOU'RE COMING IN FROM THERE
OUT OF THE DARK,

AND YOUR FEET ARE SHUFFLING,
AND THAT PANTS LEG
IS FLAPPING,

AND YOU'RE LOOKING UP,
YOUR EYES BLINKING.

YOU'RE SAYING OVER AND OVER,
"HEAVEN FORGIVE ME."

THEY'RE ALL STANDING UP,
THE REPORTERS
AND THE DOCTORS.

COUPLE OF WITNESSES PASS OUT
WHILE THEY'RE STRAPPING YOU
IN THE CHAIR.

THEY PUT STRAPS
HERE, HERE,
AND A BIG ONE HERE.

THERE'S ANOTHER ONE
OVER HERE THAT'S TIGHT.
OH, IT'S TIGHT!

THEN THEY PUT A WIDE RUBBER
BAND ACROSS YOUR EYES AND MOUTH
SO YOU CAN'T EVEN PRAY.

THEN THEY STEP BACK
AND LEAVE YOU
THERE ALONE

ABOUT 10 SECONDS,
WHICH SEEMS LIKE
10 YEARS TO YOU.

YOU KNOW WHY
THEY DO THAT, FRANKIE?

BECAUSE THE WARDENS WAIT
UNTIL ALL YOUR BREATH'S OUT,

BECAUSE IF YOUR LUNGS
WERE FULL WHEN YOU MADE
THAT LUNGE FORWARD,

YOU MIGHT SQUEAL,
AND EVERYBODY WOULD GO NUTS.

THEN THEY GIVE YOU 2 SHOTS
OF 2.000 VOLTS EACH,

AND YOUR HAIR STARTS SMOKING,
AND YOUR LEG IS STEAMING.

THAT LEFT HAND
THAT'S STRAPPED DOWN
SO TIGHT

STARTS TURNING, TURNING,

UNTIL FINALLY,
ONE FINGER POINTS
STRAIGHT UP

TO WHERE YOU'RE
NOT GOING.

JEEZ! I THOUGHT
THEY HAD ME.

YOU'RE ALRIGHT,
FRANKIE.
NOBODY'S GOT YOU.

AND THEY AIN'T
EVER GONNA.

AND YOU DIDN'T MEAN THAT
ABOUT PUTTING ME ON THE SPOT.

I WAS JUST TRYING
TO SCARE YOU.

I KNEW YOU WERE KIDDING.
THAT'S ALL. JUST KIDDING.

BUT IF ANYTHING
HAPPENED TO ME,

THE COPS
WOULDN'T KNOW
YOU WERE KIDDING.

THEY'D HAVE TO BURN SOMEBODY,
AND IT MIGHT AS WELL BE YOU.

BUT...SUPPOSE SOMEBODY ELSE
BUMPED YOU OFF--

SOMEBODY I
NEVER EVEN SEEN?

THAT WOULD JUST BE
YOUR TOUGH LUCK.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

GO TELL SAM GOBEL
IF HE EVER PULLS
ANY MORE GAGS,

I'LL KNOCK
HIS EARS OFF!

CAN'T TELL HIM THAT.
I GOT A REPUTATION.

I'M A TOUGH GUY
FROM CHICAGO.

TELL HIM
I'M A TOUGHER ONE
FROM NEW YORK.

DIDN'T GET ALL ME MONEY
FOR THAT CHINAMAN. NOW GOBEL
WILL HOLD OUT ON ME.

HOW ABOUT SOME MONEY FROM ME?
DOING WHAT?

LETTING ME IN ON STUFF
ABOUT GOBEL AND HIS MOB.

I COULDN'T! SUPPOSE
THEY FOUND OUT?

SUPPOSE THEY DIDN'T?
THINK IT OVER.
LET'S TALK SOMETIME.

OH. AM I INTRUDING?

NO. I'M JUST
GOING, ANYWAY.

COME BACK AND SEE ME
SOMETIME, FRANKIE.

DID YOU GET
A PUNCH LINE
OUT OF HIM?

I SURE DID,
ONLY IT'S NO GOOD
FOR TODAY'S COLUMN.

SAY, STEVIE.
YEAH?

LOOK UP SOME RECORD
I SENT DOWN.
WANNA SEE WHAT'S ON THEM.

THERE WON'T BE ANYTHING.
THERE WILL. I JUST DICTATED.

THE KID DROPPED THE RECORDS,
AND THEY BROKE
IN A THOUSAND PIECES.

DON'T YOU
FEEL WELL, ALVIN?

WONDERFUL.

"SEEN ALONG PARK AVENUE--

"THE FORMER MRS. ROBERT
(RAILROAD KING) PENNY, 64,

"AND HER NEW
PLAYBOY HUSBAND, 26,

"PARADING WITH
HER BLUE-RIBBON
POODLE, FIFI,

WHO IS ANTICIPATING
A BLESSED EVENT."

DON'T YOU EVER GET TIRED,
TAKING THESE DIGS
AT PEOPLE?

NOT WHILE IT GETS ME
THE BIG MONEY.

HERE I AM, MAKING ENOUGH
TO HAVE EVERYTHING--

A SWELL APARTMENT, A CAR,
EVEN A SANDWICH
NAMED AFTER ME,

AND THE SWEETEST GIRL
IN THE WORLD
WON'T GIVE ME A TUMBLE.

LET'S NOT GO
INTO THAT.
I JUST CAN'T.

WHY NOT, HONEY?
YOU KNOW I'M NUTS
ABOUT YOU.

IMAGINE THE HOME
WE COULD HAVE,

THINK OF ALL THIS DOUGH
I'M MAKING, HOW IT'S ALL
GOING TO WASTE.

THAT ISN'T THE REASON
THAT KEEPS ME FROM--

YOU MEAN, YOU JUST
CAN'T SEE ME,
PERSONALLY?

NOT THAT.
WHAT IS IT? THE DIRT?

IT ISN'T THAT
I DON'T LIKE YOU--

IN SOME WAYS,
I THINK YOU'RE SWELL--

BUT IT'S
THAT STUFF YOU WRITE.

I SUPPOSE IF I REALLY
LOVED YOU, I WOULDN'T
LET THAT STAND IN THE WAY.

BUT IT'S LIKE YOU LISTEN
TO THINGS THAT AREN'T
YOUR BUSINESS AND TATTLE.

TRY AND SEE IT MY WAY.
I'M BEATING THE NEWS.

AFTER A WHILE,
ALL MY BLESSED EVENTS
BECOME BABIES.

THEN THEY'RE ALRIGHT.
I PRINT THAT A PROMINENT
COUPLE HAVE CHILLED.

6 WEEKS LATER,
THEY
ARE
IN RENO,
AND EVERYBODY'S PRINTING IT.

WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THAT?

THEY'RE SECRETS
UNTIL YOU GET AHOLD
OF THEM.

I NEVER PRINT ANYTHING
THAT PEOPLE AREN'T
ALREADY GOSSIPING ABOUT.

BUT YOU DO IT
FOR MONEY.

SOMEDAY, YOU'LL SEE THINGS
MY WAY. YOU'VE GOT TO.

BECAUSE IN MY LIFE,
THERE'S ONLY 2 THINGS
THAT MATTER:

YOU AND MY COLUMN.

HELLO, MOX. WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I'M STUCK FOR A MONDAY PUNCH
THE WORST WAY.

WELL, HOOVER'S
PRESIDENT.

I KNOW,
BUT THEY ASKED ME
TO KEEP IT QUIET.

ON THE LEVEL,
DON'T YOU KNOW A THING?
I'M RIGHT ON MY DEADLINE.

HOW SHOULD
I KNOW ANYTHING?
I'M JUST A PET EDITOR.

DIDN'T KNOW
WE HAD ONE.

SURE. ANYTIME YOUR CAT
NEEDS A MIDWIFE,
GIVE ME A RING.

HELLO.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW
THAT I DON'T?

I KNOW YOU'RE
A MIRACLE MAN,

THE WAY YOU
KEEP THAT COLUMN
BUBBLING OVER.

IT'S NOT EASY. I'M STUCK
FOR A MONDAY PUNCH LINE.
ONLY FEW HOURS TO FIND ONE.

YOU'LL GET ONE.
YOU ALWAYS DO.

I WANT A TOP LINE
WITH A REAL WALLOP.

ONE OF THESE DAYS,
YOU'RE GOING TO
RUN SOMETHING

WITH SUCH A WALLOP
THAT YOU'LL GET HURT.

WOULD YOU CARE?

OF COURSE I'D CARE.
LOTS.

ENOUGH RIGHT NOW
TO GIVE ME JUST
ONE LITTLE KISS?

JUST FOR LUCK.

AL, DON'T ASK ME THAT.
THINK HOW I FEEL.

SEEING YOU EVERY DAY,
TALKING TO YOU,
LOVING YOU ALL THE TIME

AND NEVER EVEN GETTING
TO FIRST BASE.

JUST ONE, THEN.

I THINK I'D
BETTER GO NOW.

Alvin: LOOK OUT.

I, UH--AHEM.
YEAH. AND NOW--

[RING]

IN REGARDS--

HELLO?

YEAH. WAIT A MINUTE.

MISS AMELIA ROTHSCHILD
IS ON THE PHONE.

NOT
THE
AMELIA ROTHSCHILD
OF SUTTON PLACE?

THAT'S WHERE
SHE SLEEPS
FOR PUBLICATION.

DO YOU WANT TO SEE HER?
NO.

HE'S NOT IN.

TAKE THIS. WE HAVE IT ON
THE BEST AUTHORITY-- PUT THIS IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE COLUMN.

WHAT WELL-KNOWN BANKER'S SON
SECRETLY ANKLED UP THE AISLE
TO THE ALTAR

WITH ONE OF THE MORE GLORIFIED
OF ZIEGFELD'S DAMSELS?

WHAT ONE HAS?

HOW DO I KNOW?
I'M ONLY ASKING.

ANYTHING ELSE?

WELL, WHEN IN DOUBT,
ALWAYS RIB BUNNY HARMON.

TAKE THIS:
THE OTHER NIGHT, BUNNY HARMON--
MAKE THAT BUGGY HARMON--

AND HIS SO-CALLED JAZZ BAND
WERE INTERRUPTED BY A DRUNK

WHO SUDDENLY SHOUTED,
"YOU'RE A DIRTY SO-AND-SO!"

ONE OF HARMON'S MEN
ANGRILY AROSE AND SAID,

"WHO CALLED OUR JAZZ LEADER
A SO-AND-SO?"

WHEREUPON THE DRUNK REPLIED,
"WHO CALLED THE SO-AND-SO
A JAZZ LEADER?"

OH, MR. ROBERTS.

I'M DUE AT THAT BROADCASTING
STATION IN AN HOUR.

SHOOT THAT STUFF DOWNSTAIRS
AND STICK AROUND
FOR THE PHONE CALL.

I'LL SHOOT IN A PUNCH LINE
IF I'VE TO MURDER SOMEBODY.

BUT SUPPOSE
YOU DON'T GET IT.

I'M STILL BATTING 1.000.
I'M NOT GOING TO
STRIKE OUT NOW.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

♪♪ EVERY GOLDENROD
SEEMS TO NOD A NOD ♪♪

♪♪ TO THE BREEZE'S WARM CARESS ♪♪

♪♪ HOW CAN YOU SAY NO ♪♪

♪♪ WHEN ALL THE WORLD
IS SAYING YES? ♪♪

♪♪ ALL THE STARS ABOVE
TUMBLE INTO LOVE ♪♪

♪♪ WITH ITS SPRINGTIME
LOVELINESS ♪♪

♪♪ HOW CAN YOU SAY NO ♪♪

♪♪ WHEN ALL THE WORLD
IS SAYING YES? ♪♪

♪♪ EVERY JACK TO HIS JILL ♪♪

♪♪ IS CALLING AGAIN ♪♪

♪♪ UP THE HILL,
DOWN THE HILL ♪♪

♪♪ THEY'RE FALLING AGAIN ♪♪

♪♪ ALL THE WORLD AROUND
IS CLOVER-BOUND ♪♪

♪♪ ON THAT HONEYMOON EXPRESS ♪♪

♪♪ HOW CAN YOU SAY NO ♪♪

♪♪ WHEN ALL THE WORLD
IS SAYING YES? ♪♪

♪♪ EVERY GOLDENROD
SEEMS TO NOD ♪♪

♪♪ TO THAT BREEZE'S WARM CARESS ♪♪

♪♪ HOW CAN YOU SAY NO ♪♪

♪♪ WHEN ALL THE WORLD..♪♪

MR. ROBERTS.

YEAH?

I'M DOROTHY LANE.

O.K., DOROTHY,
I'VE SPOTTED YOUR NUMBER

RIGHT AFTER WE HEAR
FROM TREM PERKINS
IN CHICAGO.

COULD I SPEAK TO YOU
FOR JUST A MINUTE?

WHAT? WHEN I'M LISTENING
TO MY FAVORITE MUSICIAN?

♪♪ EVERY JACK TO HIS JILL ♪♪

♪♪ IS CALLING AGAIN ♪♪

♪♪ UP THE HILL,
DOWN THE HILL ♪♪

♪♪ THEY'RE FALLING AGAIN ♪♪

♪♪ ALL THE WORLD AROUND
IS CLOVER-BOUND ♪♪

♪♪ ON THAT HONEYMOON EXPRESS ♪♪

♪♪ HOW CAN YOU SAY NO ♪♪

♪♪ WHEN ALL THE WORLD
IS SAYING YES? ♪♪

THIS IS BUNNY HARMON,
THE OLD MUSIC MASTER,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

IF YOU LIKE ME ON THE AIR,
I HOPE YOU DO,

YOU CAN SEE ME IN PERSON
A WEEK FROM SATURDAY NIGHT

WHEN I OPEN MY NEW TEMPLE
OF MELODY, THE CHATEAU HARMONY.

YES, SIR, AND IT'S GOING TO BE
BROADWAY'S SMARTEST NIGHTCLUB.

THE CHATEAU HARMONY WILL BE
AN EXCLUSIVE RENDEZVOUS
FOR DISCRIMINATING PEOPLE.

AND I TAKE PLEASURE
IN ANNOUNCING THIS
AS AN ADDED ATTRACTION:

MR. ALVIN ROBERTS
WILL NEVER BE ADMITTED.

SO YOU MUST COME OVER.

[MUSIC BEGINS]

HI, ROBERTS.

THIS IS THE STUDIO
OF WYNY IN NEW YORK CITY,

CROMWELL CHURCH ANNOUNCING.

FOR THE NEXT HALF-HOUR,
THE GOLD STRIKE CIGARETTE
PROGRAM COMES TO YOU

OVER OUR NATIONAL NETWORK,

WITH BITS OF ENTERTAINMENT
FROM HERE AND THERE

AS MR. ROBERTS TRANSPORTS US
ROUND THE COUNTRY
WITH HIS MAGIC WAND.

INCIDENTALLY, HE BRINGS
TO US THE NEWEST LOWDOWN

AS HE PEEKS THROUGH
THE NATION'S KEYHOLE.

THIS IS ALVIN ROBERTS SPEAKING
AS HE WAVES HIS MAGIC WAND.

IF YOU WANT THE LOWDOWN
ON CIGARETTES,

THERE ARE NONE AS KIND
TO THE THROAT AS GOLD STRIKE.

NOW FOR AN IMPORTANT
ANNOUNCEMENT.

WHEN BUNNY HARMON OPENS
HIS CHATEAU HARMONY A WEEK
FROM SATURDAY NIGHT,

SPECIAL ATTRACTION:
MRS. ROBERTS' NAUGHTY BOY ALVIN

WILL POSITIVELY BE THERE
IN PERSON.

YOU MUST COME OVER.
AND NOW TO GET DOWN
TO THE DIRT.

YOUR CORRESPONDENT HAS TO ADMIT
THAT BROADWAY HAS BEEN
SORT OF BLAH-BLAH THIS WEEK.

BATTLING DELANEY,
WHO RECENTLY K.O.'d KID CALLAHAN
WITH ONE PUNCH,

HAS A LEFT ORB
THAT IS A TOTAL ECLIPSE.

HE DIDN'T GET IT IN THE RING,
BUT THEY SAY HIS WIFE SWINGS
A WICKED RIGHT.

MRS. LOUISE
(BEAUTY CONTEST) CARTER,

WHO THREATENED TO UP IN
RENO LAST WEEK,

HAS HAD HER MARITAL
WOUNDS BANDAGED
IN A NEW ERMINE COAT.

THE OTHER NIGHT,
I ERRONEOUSLY REPORTED

THAT CHESTER (VICE SQUAD) BRENT,
TIGHT AS A DRUM,

WAS THROWN OUT
OF A LOCAL SPEAK.

AN APOLOGY IS IN ORDER.
IT WAS NOT CHESTER.
IT WAS HIS WIFE.

I HAVE A SPECIAL TREAT
FOR YOU. AT MADISON SQUARE
GARDEN TONIGHT,

I HAD AS MY GUEST
COLONEL JOSE MAJICA
OF THE SPANISH ARMY,

WHO HAS CONSENTED TO SAY A
FEW WORDS. COLONEL JOSE MAJICA
OF THE SPANISH ARMY.

[IMITATING SPANISH ACCENT]
LADIES, GENTLEMEN,
I LIKE EXHIBITION VERY MUCH.

I ADMIRE AMERICAN SPORTSMANSHIP.

I THANK YOU.
GRACIAS, SENOR.

[USUAL VOICE]
THANK YOU, COLONEL.

YOU'VE BEEN LISTENING
TO COLONEL JOSE MAJICA
OF THE SPANISH ARMY.

NOW WITH A WAVE
OF THE MAGIC WAND,

I'LL TRANSFER YOU TO
TREM PERKINS AND HIS MELODISTS
AT THE CLUB MIRAMAR, CHICAGO.

ON WITH THE DANCE.
O.K., CHICAGO!

[SLIDING WHISTLE]

COULD I SEE YOU NOW,
MR. ROBERTS?

SURE, KID.
WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?

WELL, I...I CAN'T
TALK TO YOU HERE.

COULD I SEE YOU
ALONE, PLEASE?

ALRIGHT.

LET'S GO IN HERE.

WELL, DOROTHY,
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU
CAN DO, MR. ROBERTS.

WHAT?

DON'T PRINT IT.

PLEASE, MR. ROBERTS,
DON'T PRINT IT.

PRINT WHAT? OH...
WELL, I MEAN, UH,

I MEAN, I MIGHT
HAVE TO, YOU KNOW.

IF I CUT OUT EVERYTHING THAT
PEOPLE DIDN'T WANT ME TO PRINT,
HOW COULD I GET OUT A COLUMN?

BUT YOU'VE GOT MANY
OTHER THINGS TO PRINT,
THIS WOULD BE THE END OF ME.

HOW DID YOU FIND OUT
THAT I KNEW?

ONE OF THE GIRLS TIPPED ME.
SHE HEARD SOMEWHERE.
I HAVEN'T SLEPT SINCE.

I WAS GONNA JUMP OUT
THE WINDOW, THEN I THOUGHT
IF I MET YOU AND EXPLAINED--

I GOT MY JOB
TO THINK OF.

PLEASE, MR. ROBERTS.
MY FRIENDS SAY
YOU'RE A GOOD GUY.

IF MY MOTHER EVER
HEARS ABOUT IT, I...

I COULD NEVER
FACE HER AGAIN.

I'LL PAY YOU,
MR. ROBERTS.

I'LL DO
ANYTHING YOU SAY,
ONLY DON'T PRINT IT.

YOUR MOTHER
MIGHT NOT EVEN SEE IT.

SHE READS YOUR
COLUMN EVERY DAY.

HERE IN NEW YORK?
IN TEXAS.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT THAT?

WAY DOWN THERE.

IT WOULDN'T DO YOU
ANY GOOD, MR. ROBERTS.

I'M SO UNIMPORTANT,
JUST A SINGER
IN A REVUE.

NOBODY WOULD
REMEMBER 10 MINUTES
AFTER THEY READ IT--

NOBODY BUT MY MOTHER
AND A COUPLE OF
OTHER PEOPLE.

IF I DON'T PRINT IT,
SOMEBODY ELSE WILL.

THEY WON'T! YOU'RE
THE ONLY ONE THAT KNOWS,
EXCEPT MY ROOMMATE.

I'M GOING AWAY TO
THE COUNTRY SOMEPLACE.

NOBODY WILL KNOW.

I'M TELLING EVERYBODY
I'M GOING HOME TO VISIT
MOTHER FOR A WHILE.

WHO'S THE GUY
THAT GOT YOU IN TROUBLE?

I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT!
HE'D KILL ME!

HE'S BEING GOOD TO ME, PAYING
MY WAY TO THE COUNTRY AND
FOR THE DOCTOR AND EVERYTHING.

WELL, HE OUGHT TO.

YOU WON'T PRINT IT.
IT WOULDN'T DO
ANYBODY ANY GOOD.

AH, NEVER MIND.

FORGET ALL ABOUT IT.

OH, GEE, THANK YOU,
MR. ROBERTS.

IF THERE'S ANYTHING
I CAN EVER DO--

YOU HEARD ME.

NOBODY'S GOING TO KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU
FOR IT.

YOU DON'T KNOW
HOW WORRIED I'VE BEEN.

I'LL KEEP YOUR SECRET.
GET YOUR MIND ON
THIS NUMBER. YOU O.K.?

Man: THERE'S YOUR SIGNAL,
MR. ROBERTS.

THANK YOU, TREM PERKINS.
WELL, HERE WE ARE BACK
IN NEW YORK,

WHERE THE BIG SKYSCRAPERS
COVER A MULTITUDE OF SKINS.

NOW, FOLKS,
I HAVE A SPECIAL TREAT
IN STORE FOR YOU.

MISS DOROTHY LANE,
ONE OF THE SWEETEST KIDS
IN ALL THE WIDE, WIDE WORLD,

IS GONNA SING FOR YOU
THE NUMBER THAT SHE INTRODUCED
AT THE MIDNIGHT REVUE.

O.K., MISS LANE.

[MUSIC BEGINS]

♪♪ I'LL BE WAITING
FOR A CALL FROM YOU ♪♪

♪♪ ANY TIME AT ALL WILL DO ♪♪

♪♪ HERE'S MY NUMBER, DEAR,
AND DON'T YOU LOSE IT ♪♪

♪♪ AND WON'T YOU USE IT
MIGHTY SOON? ♪♪

♪♪ AND WHEN I HEAR
MY PHONE BELL RING ♪♪

♪♪ I WILL CANCEL EVERYTHING ♪♪

♪♪ AND TILL IT COMES,
I'LL BE HOLDING MY THUMBS ♪♪

♪♪ WAITING FOR A CALL FROM YOU ♪♪

♪♪ OH, I'LL BE WAITING
FOR A CALL FROM YOU ♪♪

♪♪ ANY TIME AT ALL WILL DO ♪♪

♪♪ HERE'S MY NUMBER, DEAR,
AND DON'T YOU LOSE IT ♪♪

[RING]

HELLO.

STE--GET THIS, STEVIE.

THE PUNCH LINE
FOR THE MONDAY DIRT:

MISS DOROTHY LANE,
SINGER IN THE MIDNIGHT REVUE,

ANTICIPATES A BLESSED EVENT.

NOW GET THE PUNCH:
WITHOUT BENEFIT OF CLERGY.

DO I EVER FALL DOWN?
NOW, I ASK YOU.

♪♪ WAITING FOR A CALL FROM YOU ♪♪

HEY, THAT DIRT-SLINGER'S
GOT ME IN THE PAN AGAIN.

GET THIS:

SYLVIA PIERSON'S
NEW ORCHID SUPPLIER
IS A BIG-TIME RACKETEER,

ONLY SHE DON'T KNOW IT.

I THOUGHT
FRANKIE WAS GOING TO
TAKE CARE OF HIM.

THAT GUY ROBERTS WON'T
LAY OFF. THOUGHT YOU WERE
GONNA TALK TO HIM.

GIVE ME TIME, SAM.

YOU'VE HAD A MONTH.
ARE YOU FEEDING HIM
SLOW POISON?

I GOT TO BE CAREFUL, SAM.
CAREFUL. YOU'RE STALLING.

GO AND TALK
TO THAT MUG NOW.

ONE MORE CRACK ABOUT ME,
AND HE'S FLIRTING
WITH THE UNDERTAKER.

I'LL TELL HIM, BUT I GOT--
YOU WANT ME TO SEND JOE?

SEND ME,
I'LL MAKE QUICK WORK OF IT.

DON'T SEND JOE.
I'LL GO.

ALRIGHT, GO ON!
DON'T STAND THERE
TALKING ABOUT IT.

LEAVE IT TO ME, SAM.

[DOOR BUZZER]

HERE'S
MR. ROBERTS' COAT.

OH, THANK YOU.
CAN I SEE HIM?

SHH! NO.
HE'S STILL ASLEEP.

IT'S ALRIGHT, MOM.
I'M UP.

HELLO, GEORGE.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW
THAT I DON'T?

YOU KNOW THAT LADY
LECTURER ON THE 15th
FLOOR-- LAURA DWIGHT?

MM-HMM.
WHAT ABOUT HER?

THIS MORNING ABOUT 3:00,
SHE THREW A BOTTLE OF GIN
OUT AND HIT A TAXICAB.

WAS SHE SORE AT
THE TAXICAB OR THE GIN?

THE GIN'S ALRIGHT.
HER AIM WAS BAD.

SHE MISSED
THE BOYFRIEND.

WHAT BOYFRIEND?
I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME.

THAT'S THE STORY, YOU DOPE.
MAYBE I CAN FIND OUT.

YOU BETTER
IF YOU WANT TO COLLECT.

[DOOR BUZZER]

OH, HELLO, FRANKIE.
MOM, ENTERTAIN MR. WELLS,
WILL YOU?

I'LL BE OUT
IN A MINUTE.

WON'T YOU SIT DOWN?

YOU KNOW, I NEVER CAN
GET USED TO ALVIN

ALWAYS GETTING UP
IN THE DARK,

BUT THAT'S
THE NEWSPAPER BUSINESS.

ARE YOU A NEWSPAPERMAN,
TOO, MR. WELLS?

WELL, I USED TO
SELL THEM IN CHICAGO
BEFORE PROHIBITION.

IS THAT SO? WHAT'S
YOUR BUSINESS NOW?

WHY, I'M A...
A PROMOTER.

A PROMOTER?

YEAH, I, UH,
YOU KNOW, PROMOTE.

LIKE A SCHOOLTEACHER,
YOU MEAN?

WELL...YEAH.

I WISH YOU'D BEEN
ALVIN'S TEACHER.

HE HAD SO MUCH TROUBLE
THAT WAY.

IS THAT SO?

YES. HE WAS A GOOD BOY,

BUT THEY NEVER SEEMED
TO WANT TO PROMOTE HIM.

SAY, I GOT
A KID LIKE THAT.

YOU HAVE? WHY,
I WOULDN'T HAVE SAID
YOU WERE MARRIED.

ME? SURE.
I GOT A WIFE AND 2 KIDS.

THE BOY--HE'S 9...
I THINK. 9 OR 10.

AND MARIE--SHE'S 4.

MY, QUITE A FAMILY.

UH-HUH. A FAMILY'S
A GREAT THING, ESPECIALLY
FOR A MARRIED MAN.

I'M GLAD TO HEAR YOU
SAY THAT.

SURE. LOTS OF GUYS
BUM AROUND AND THROW AWAY
THEIR JACK.

ME--WHEN I GET THROUGH
ME DAY'S WORK, I GO HOME.

THAT WAS JUST LIKE
MR. ROBERTS, TOO.

THAT'S HIM UP THERE.

A GOOD MAN IF THERE
EVER WAS ONE.

ONE OF NATURE'S
NOBLEMEN,
YOU MIGHT SAY.

YEAH?

EVEN WHEN HE WAS
DRINKING THE MOST,

HE NEVER FORGOT
MY BIRTHDAY.

HE'S, UH...

PASSED ON, I SUPPOSE.

YES. 10 YEARS AGO.

BUMPED OFF?

YES, OFF A LADDER.

YOU KNOW,
HE WAS A PAINTER.

OH, THAT'S TOUGH.

WHY?

I MEAN
ABOUT THE LADDER.

OH.

IT JUST GOES TO SHOW.

YES. DOESN'T IT?

IT CERTAINLY DOES.

DO YOU LIKE THE RADIO,
MR. WELLS?

I CAN TAKE IT
OR LEAVE IT.

THAT'S A NEW ONE--
A PRESENT FROM ALVIN.

OH, IT'S BEEN
SUCH A COMFORT TO ME.

OH, I WONDER
WHAT THE TIME IS.

MY GOODNESS!
WE ALMOST MISSED IT.

MISSED WHAT?

THE BUNNY HARMON HOUR.
IT'S ON RIGHT NOW.

Radio announcer:
THE SHAPIRO SHOE HOUR,

BUNNY HARMON AND HIS
GREEN MOUNTAIN BOYS IN PERSON,

BROUGHT TO YOU EVERY DAY
AT THIS HOUR BY SHAPIRO,

MAKER OF THE FAMOUS
SHAPIRO SHOES,

THE WORLD'S GREATEST
$5.00 SHOE VALUE.

HERE THEY ARE.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

♪♪ BE SURE YOU SEE THE NAME
SHAPIRO ON YOUR SHOE ♪♪

♪♪ IT'S THE RIGHT SHOE
FOR THE RIGHT FOOT ♪♪

♪♪ AND THE LEFT FOOT, TOO ♪♪

♪♪ YOU'LL BE A HERO
IF YOU WEAR SHAPIRO SHOES ♪♪

♪♪ WALKING ON AIR,
FREE FROM ALL CARE ♪♪

♪♪ 10 BABY FINGERS
MAY DO WHAT THEY CHOOSE ♪♪

♪♪ BUT 10 BABY TOES
DEMAND SHAPIRO SHOES ♪♪

♪♪ SO TAKE A TIP FROM MOTHER,
CHASE AWAY THOSE BLUES ♪♪

♪♪ AND WEAR SHAPIRO SHOES ♪♪

♪♪ OH, IT'S GOOD-BYE, BLUES,
IF YOU CHOOSE ♪♪

♪♪ THOSE GENUINE SHAPIRO ♪♪

♪♪ THOSE GUARANTEED SHAPIRO ♪♪

♪♪ AMERICAN SHAPIRO SHOES ♪♪

DON'T YOU LIKE IT,
MR. WELLS?

IT AIN'T BAD.

HOW ARE THE SHOES?
ANY GOOD?

Radio announcer:
MILLIONS HAVE ASKED THAT SOMEDAY
THEY'LL HEAR THE VOICE

OF THE MAN WHO NOT ONLY GIVES
THEM THE WORLD'S GREATEST
$5.00 SHOE VALUE,

BUT WHO BROUGHT
INTO THEIR HEARTS
THE VOICE OF BUNNY HARMON.

TONIGHT, THAT MAN IS
IN THE STUDIO AND HAS
CONSENTED TO SPEAK TO YOU.

IT'S MY PLEASURE TO INTRODUCE AT
THIS TIME THE PRESIDENT
OF THE SHAPIRO SHOE COMPANY:

MR. MORRIS SHAPIRO.

[BAND PLAYS FANFARE]

HELLO, EVERYBODY!

AH, THAT'S SPLENDID.

IT WAS INDEED
A PLEASURE.

THANK YOU, MR. SHAPIRO.

THAT WAS MR. SHAPIRO
HIMSELF.

AND NOW BUNNY HARMON
AND HIS GREEN MOUNTAIN BOYS
WILL AGAIN ENTERTAIN YOU.

[ONE NOTE SOUNDS]

♪♪ TOO MANY TEARS ♪♪

♪♪ EACH NIGHT I GO TO BED ♪♪

♪♪ I LAY AWAKE AND SHED ♪♪

♪♪ TOO MANY TEARS ♪♪

♪♪ YOUR MEMORY IS BRINGING ME ♪♪

♪♪ TOO MANY TEARS ♪♪

OH, ALVIN,
WHAT MADE YOU
TURN IT OFF?

HOW MANY TIMES
HAVE I TOLD YOU?
THAT GUY'S POISON TO ME.

BUT HE'S GOT
SUCH A SWEET
VOICE, ALVIN.

ARE YOU SURE
IT'S THE SAME
BUNNY HARMON?

SURE, I'M SURE.

HELLO, FRANKIE.
HELLO.

I'VE BEEN HAVING
A NICE VISIT
WITH MR. WELLS.

NOW I'M GONNA HAVE
A VISIT WITH HIM MYSELF.

YOU DON'T MIND, DO YOU?
NO, OF COURSE NOT. HE'S SO NICE.

I WISH MORE
OF YOUR FRIENDS WERE
LIKE HIM, ALVIN.

GOOD-BYE, MR. WELLS.

Frankie: GOOD-BYE,
MRS. ROBERTS.

GIVE MY LOVE
TO THE CHILDREN.

[DOOR CLOSES]

WHAT DO
YOU KNOW?

GOBEL'S ON MY TAIL
FOR NOT PUTTING
THE WORKS ON YOU.

YOU CAME TO TELL THAT?
I'M AFRAID HE MIGHT GET WISE.

WHO'S GONNA TELL HIM
IF YOU DON'T?

NOBODY, I GUESS,
BUT BE CAREFUL, WILL YOU?

CAREFUL?
DID YOU EVER HEAR OF
THE POWER OF THE PRESS?

WHAT IS IT?
A MOVIE?

NO. IT'S EVEN MORE
COCKEYED THAN THAT.

IT'S WHAT LETS BIRDS LIKE ME
MAKE SUCKERS OUT OF BIRDS
LIKE YOU AND GOBEL.

EVERYTHING JAKE
AT THE CHATEAU HARMONY?

I GOT IT FIXED.
NOW YOU'RE TALKING.

I GREASED THE HEAD CHEF,
IT'S A PIE FOR YOU TO GET IN,
I DON'T SEE WHY YOU WANNA.

LOOK, I GOT IT
ALL DRAWN OUT.
HERE'S THE ALLEY, SEE?

THIS IS THE DELIVERY DOOR
BY THE KITCHEN.

EMIL--THE HEAD CHEF--
WILL BE WAITING FOR YOU
AT 11:30 SHARP.

WHERE DO I GO FROM THERE?
EMIL WILL PUT YOU WISE.

HE'S GONNA SNEAK YOU
INTO A PRIVATE ROOM
RESERVED FOR THE PRESS.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HELLO.

MR. ROBERTS,
MISS DOROTHY LANE
IN THE LOBBY.

UH...TELL HER
I'M NOT IN.

I DON'T CARE IF SHE'S
BEEN THERE FOR A WEEK.

TELL HIM I'VE
GOT TO SEE HIM.

SHE SAYS
IT'S VERY IMPORTANT.

ALRIGHT.
TELL HER TO WAIT, THEN.

GEE, I'M ROTTEN.

THERE'S A GIRL WAITING
FOR ME WHO'S GOT PLENTY
TO SEE ME ABOUT.

OF ALL THE DIRT I'VE SPILLED
ABOUT PEOPLE, THIS IS ONE
THING I WISH I HADN'T.

WHAT'S SHE GONNA DO?
WHATEVER IT IS, I GOT IT COMING.

SAY, YOU DON'T THINK
SHE MIGHT BE GONNA--

SHE MIGHT.

AS BAD AS THAT, HUH?

SHALL I THROW A SCARE
INTO HER ON THE WAY OUT?

NO, NEVER MIND.

NO TROUBLE, YOU KNOW.

I TOLD YOU TO LAY OFF!
I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU.

SAY, THE GUY THAT DODGED
THAT GIN BOTTLE WAS
ARTHUR Q. BROWNE.

THE LAWYER?
RIGHT.

THAT MAKES 2 BUCKS
I OWE YOU.

THANKS, MR. ROBERTS.

OH, SAY...

TELL THE CLERK TO WATCH
THAT GIRL THAT'S WAITING FOR ME.
TRY AND GET RID OF HER.

OH, TELL HER
I'VE GONE OUT--ANYTHING!

O.K.

WHERE'S MR. WELLS?

HE'S GONE.

OH, HE'S SUCH
A NICE MAN.

I GOTTA DRESS.
WHAT TIME IS IT?

THE BUNNY HARMON HOUR.

YOU'RE JUST DYING
TO GET BACK TO THAT RADIO

AND HEAR THAT PET CANARY
CROON SOME MORE.

HA HA HA!
YOU ARE, TOO.

ALRIGHT.
I GOT TO TAKE MY SHOWER.

WHEN YOU HEAR THE
WATER RUNNING, TURN HIM ON,
BUT NOT TOO LOUD.

I WON'T.
THAT'S A PROMISE?

MM-HMM.

HA HA HA!

[SHOWER RUNNING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

♪♪ TOO MANY TEARS ♪♪

♪♪ I WASTED LOVING YOU ♪♪

♪♪ AND YOU KNOW I WAS TRUE ♪♪

♪♪ TOO MANY TEARS ♪♪

♪♪ I CARED A LOT,
WHAT HAVE I GOT? ♪♪

♪♪ TOO MANY TEARS... ♪♪

[DOOR BUZZER]

♪♪ ...THE ONLY THING
I DIDN'T TRY ♪♪

♪♪ BUT I FOUND-- ♪♪

OH, GOOD EVENING,
MISS STEVENS.

HELLO, MRS. ROBERTS.
IS ALVIN UP?

YES. HE'S DRESSING
IN THERE.

WELL, I'LL LEAVE
THESE PROOFS FOR HIM.

CAN'T YOU STAY
AWHILE?

NO, THANKS.
I'VE GOT TO GET BACK TO WHAT
WE PLAYFULLY CALL THE PAPER.

[DOOR BUZZER]

COME IN.

A MESSAGE FOR MR. ROBERTS.
I'LL TAKE IT.

IT'S MARKED "IMPORTANT.
CONFIDENTIAL. RUSH."

I THOUGHT IT MIGHT
MEAN SOMETHING.

DID YOU FIGURE THAT
OUT FOR YOURSELF?

YES'M.

IT'S AMAZING.
IT'S FROM THE
STAR.

WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE
THEY WANT?

I'D OPEN IT AND FIND OUT,
BUT IT SAYS "CONFIDENTIAL."

AIN'T YOU
THAT KIND OF
A SECRETARY?

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE,
BUT THIS HAS SEALING WAX.

WHAT DIFFERENCE
DOES THAT MAKE?

I DON'T KNOW,
BUT IT DOES.

DO YOU THINK
ALVIN COULD COME OUT?

I DON'T KNOW.
I'LL GO AND SEE.

[KNOCK KNOCK]

ALVIN?

YES, MOM?

THERE'S A LETTER OUT HERE
THAT HAS SEALING WAX ON IT,

AND MISS STEVENS
IS AFRAID TO OPEN IT.

WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH IT?

IT HAS SEALING WAX,
DEAR, AND IT SAYS THINGS
ON THE OUTSIDE.

SAYS WHAT?

"CONFIDENTIAL"
AND "RUSH."
IT'S FROM THE
STAR.

LET ME SEE IT.

WHAT IS THE
STAR?

DON'T YOU REMEMBER THE PAPER
THAT PRINTED THAT
MEAN PIECE ABOUT HIM?

YES, BUT NOBODY READS IT.
IT HASN'T ANY
PICTURES IN IT.

THE
STAR
HAS MADE ME AN OFFER!
THE
STAR
HAS MADE ME AN OFFER!

WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU?

LAST WEEK, THEY CALLED ME
A NADIR. THIS WEEK,
THEY OFFER ME A JOB.

NO! HONEST?

LOOK AT THAT, STEVIE.
YOU REMEMBER THAT EDITORIAL--

"A STENCH IN THE NOSTRILS
OF AMERICAN JOURNALISM"?

LOOKS LIKE THEY'VE DECIDED
THE COLUMN DOESN'T SMELL
AS BAD AS IT DID LAST WEEK.

[DOOR BUZZER]

SEE WHO IT IS.
MAYBE ANOTHER OFFER.
MIGHT BE FROM THE
RECORD.

GOOD EVENING.

WHY, HELLO, LOUIE.

UH, MOM, THIS IS MR. MILLER.
HE OWNS THE PAPER.

ALVIN'S PAPER?

YOU'D THINK
IT WAS HIS,
THE WAY HE ACTS.

MR. MILLER'S VERY FOND OF ME,
BUT DOESN'T SHOW.

I'M IN NO MOOD FOR JOKES.
DON'T YOU COME
TO OFFICE ANYMORE?

I HAVE A BETTER
PLACE TO GO.

YOU MEAN
THE CHATEAU HARMONY.
YOU CAN'T GO.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
SHAPIRO THE SHOE MAN.

WILL TAKE OUT HIS ADS
IF I DO.

HE SPENDS
75.000 A YEAR WITH US.

HE'LL KEEP ON SPENDING IT.
HE WOULDN'T DARE
GIVE UP THE
EXPRESS.

WHY NOT? YOU GOT
SOMETHING ON HIM?

NO, BUT ONLY
AN
EXPRESS
READER WOULD
WEAR HIS PUNK PAPER SHOES.

Mother: WHY,
ALVIN ROBERTS.

THIS IS MY FOURTH PAIR.

SEE HOW LONG
THEY LAST?

IF YOU GO THERE,
IT BREAKS
YOUR CONTRACT.

ARE YOU SURE?
POSITIVELY.

WHY SHOULD I PAY YOU
500 A WEEK TO KNOCK ADS
OUT OF MY PAPER?

YOU WOULDN'T THROW ME OUT.
RIGHT THIS MINUTE.

ME WITH AN OLD MOTHER
TO SUPPORT?

NOT SO OLD, ALVIN.

YOU DON'T
HAVE TO GO THERE.

I MUST. I PROMISED
MY PUBLIC, AND MY HONOR
IS AT STAKE.

A FINE TIME TO BE GETTING
HONOR. IF YOU GO TO THAT
CLUB, WE'RE THROUGH.

YOU'VE FORCED ME TO REVEAL
SOMETHING I'D HOPED TO KEEP
FROM YOU,

SOMETHING STRICTLY
CONFIDENTIAL.

WHAT?

THE LETTER. STEVENS,
SHOW HIM THE LETTER.

THEY SAID NO ONE MUST SEE IT.
BUT HE'S A HARD MAN.

A HARD MAN.

WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO ABOUT THIS?

TAKE IT, NOW THAT
MY CONTRACT'S GONE.

IT ISN'T,
I'LL HOLD YOU TO IT.

IT'S UP IN A MONTH.
YOU'RE GOING TO THE
STAR?

UNLESS YOU CAN
MEET THEIR TERMS.

BUT 1.000 A WEEK--
HOW CAN I?

WITH MONEY.
GIMME TIME TO THINK IT OVER.

CAN'T. GOT TO
GIVE THEM AN ANSWER.

ALRIGHT, WE'LL PAY IT,
YOU ROBBER.

THAT'S THE SPIRIT,
LOUIE.

MOM, SEE HOW
FOND HE IS OF ME?

THEN I CAN TEAR IT UP?
NO. THAT'S MY TUESDAY COLUMN.

BUT I THOUGHT
IT WAS CONFIDENTIAL.

A NADIR NEVER FORGETS.
IT'S AN OLD
ARABIAN CUSTOM:

A NADIR NEVER FORGETS.

WHAT WELL-KNOWN LAWYER
IS FREQUENTLY SEEN

ENTERING THE PENTHOUSE APARTMENT
OF A CERTAIN BLONDE

IN THE B.V.D. HOURS
OF THE NIGHT? QUESTION MARK.

THE JOHN THOMAS COREYS
OF PARK AVENUE

EXPECT 2 BLESSED EVENTS
ON NEXT APRIL THE FIRST.

THE JOKE'S ON SOMEBODY!!
EXCLAMATION POINTS.

WELL, DOROTHY,
WHAT GOOD IS THIS
GOING TO DO YOU?

PLENTY. FOR ONCE,
I'M GOING TO GET
A CLOSEUP

OF A 24-KARAT,
100% RAT.

I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE
IN THE WORLD. I'VE MET
PLENTY OF OTHERS,

BUT YOU'RE THE ONLY
COMPLETE ONE I EVER
BUMPED INTO.

I WISH IT NEVER HAPPENED.

WHAT DID YOU DO IT FOR?
I COULDN'T HELP IT.

WOULDN'T HAVE PRINTED
IF YOU HADN'T SHOWN UP.

WHY NOT?
BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING.

I LET YOU SPILL THE DOPE,
THEN I COULDN'T KEEP
IT OUT OF MY COLUMN.

IT DIDN'T
MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE
WHAT IT DID TO ME.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT
THE DOGGONE COLUMN.

YOU GOT YOUR ITEM.
MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO HEAR
WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THAT.

I WOULDN'T.
ARE YOU UP AGAINST IT?
HOW MUCH DO YOU NEED?

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW WHAT
A SWELL JOB YOU DO
WHEN YOU START SOMETHING.

I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT.

YOU'RE GONNA WHETHER
YOU WANT TO OR NOT.

THE MANAGER OF
THE REVUE GOT HOLD
OF AN EARLY EDITION

AND KICKED ME OUT
THAT SAME NIGHT.

THE LANDLADY
WHERE I LIVED SAID
I'D BETTER GET OUT.

SHE WAS SORRY,
BUT IT WAS
BAD FOR THE HOUSE.

THEN MY MOTHER
TELEGRAPHED FOR ME
TO COME HOME.

I WIRED BACK
IT WAS A LIE.

I JUST GOT A LETTER
FROM HER.

SHE WANTS TO SEE ME,
BUT HOW CAN I GO HOME
LIKE THIS,

EVEN IF I HAD
THE PRICE OF A TICKET?

WHAT ABOUT THE GUY
WHO'S TAKING CARE OF YOU?

WHEN THIS THING BROKE,
HE TOOK A RUN-OUT POWDER.

TELL ME WHO IT IS.

TRYING TO GET ANOTHER ITEM?
I WOULDN'T TRUST YOU WITH
IT ACROSS THE ROOM!

BESIDES, I'M GOING TO
GET PLENTY EVEN

WITH THAT GUY
IN ANOTHER WAY.

HE'S MARRIED, SEE?
HE'S GOT A WIFE,

A FAT OLD WOMAN OVER
IN JACKSON HEIGHTS.
BELIEVES EVERYTHING HE TELLS.

SHE THINKS
HE'S A CONTRACTOR,
ALWAYS AWAY ON BUSINESS.

I'LL FIX HIM.
WHAT YOU GONNA DO?

TELL HIM I WAS HERE
AND TOLD YOU HIS NAME.

MAYBE HE WON'T
BURN UP PLENTY
THESE NEXT FEW MONTHS,

SCARED EVERY MORNING
TO LOOK IN THE PAPER
AND SCARED NOT TO.

YOU'RE GONNA
TAKE SOME MONEY.

NOT YOURS.

HOW MUCH WILL IT COST
TO LIVE IN THE COUNTRY?
50 A WEEK?

I DON'T WANT
YOUR MONEY.

HERE'S 100. SEND YOUR ADDRESS.
YOU GET A CHECK FOR
50 EVERY WEEK.

[SOBBING]
I DIDN'T KNOW!

AW, CUT IT OUT, NOW.

I NEVER
THOUGHT I'D...

OH, BRACE UP,
DOROTHY.

GO TO THE COUNTRY
TILL IT'S OVER.
QUIT WORRYING.

WHEN YOU GET BACK,
I'LL GET YOU A JOB.

YEAH? WHO'D HAVE ME?

PLENTY OF PLACES
WANNA BE NICE TO ME.
I'LL FIX IT UP.

YOU'LL FIX IT UP,
WITH SOME MORE OF
YOUR ROTTEN PUBLICITY.

I NEVER WANT MY NAME
IN YOUR COLUMN AGAIN!

I DON'T WANT YOUR MONEY!
JUST LAY OFF ME.

LAY OFF ME!

[SOBBING]

[DOOR SLAMS]

I'VE BEEN PULLING
YOUR FAVORITE STUNT--
EAVESDROPPING.

WHAT A THING TO DO TO HER.
YOU OUGHT TO BE
ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.

YOU'RE SORE ABOUT IT,
AND I DON'T BLAME YOU.

I'LL MAKE IT UP
TO HER IF IT
TAKES MY ENTIRE LIFE.

YOU RUIN HER REPUTATION.
YOU GET HER
THROWN OUT OF WORK.

BREAK HER MOTHER'S HEART.
AND THINK YOU CAN SQUARE
IT ALL BY GIVING HER MONEY.

IT'S JUST TOO LATE NOW.
YOU BET IT'S TOO LATE

TOO LATE FOR A LOT OF THINGS,
ESPECIALLY FOR ANY
$50-A-WEEK NOBILITY.

THERE JUST
ISN'T ANYTHING YOU
CAN SAY, IS THERE?

BUT I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU
IT WAS A MISTAKE.

OF COURSE IT WAS.
THE WHOLE FILTHY
COLUMN'S A MISTAKE,

BUT I CAN SEE YOU
BEING DECENT ENOUGH
TO GIVE IT UP.

YOU WOULDN'T
ASK ME TO DO THAT.

WHY NOT?

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND--
NOT THE WAY I'VE WORKED
TO PUT IT OVER.

NOT EVEN FOR YOU.
YOU COULDN'T EXPECT ME TO.

OF COURSE NOT.
IT'S GOT YOU.

YOU MUST GO ON EVEN IF IT
WRECKS THE LIFE OF A
DOROTHY LANE NOW AND THEN.

YOU DON'T REALIZE WHAT
THIS MEANS TO ME. WHAT DID
I EVER AMOUNT TO BEFORE?

JUST A PUNK KID IN THE AD
DEPARTMENT. THEN I STARTED
SOMETHING NO ONE EVER THOUGHT OF

NOW--
20 MILLION PEOPLE READING IT
ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.

ALL OTHER NEWSPAPERS TRYING TO
COPY IT. IT'S GREAT. IT'S MINE.
I MADE IT. NOBODY GETS THAT.

IT HAD TO COME TO
A SHOWDOWN SOMETIME
BETWEEN THE COLUMN AND ME.

YOU CAN'T
GIVE UP THE COLUMN,
SO THAT LETS ME OUT.

[PIANO PLAYING]

HELLO, ALVIN.

HELLO, GOBEL.

WELL, AIN'T YOU
GOING TO
SHAKE HANDS?

WHAT IS THERE
TO SHAKE HANDS ABOUT?

CAN'T A GUY
SQUARE HIMSELF?

YOU MEAN YOU WANT
TO SQUARE ME.

NO. I'M ON THE LEVEL.

I DID YOU
A DIRTY TRICK ONCE--

THAT NIGHT I COPPED OFF
YOUR DAME AT THE SILVER SLIPPER.
A GAG, BUT YOU TOOK IT SERIOUS.

ALRIGHT, I MADE
A MISTAKE. THAT'S WHAT
I COME OVER TO SAY.

YOU DID 2 DIRTY TRICKS,
GOBEL.

WHAT ELSE?

SENDING UP THAT GORILLA
OF YOURS: FRANKIE WELLS.

THAT WAS TO
SCARE YOU A LITTLE.

DIDN'T WORK, DID IT?

I SHOULD
SAY NOT.

YOU GOT NERVE.
I GOT TO GIVE YOU
CREDIT FOR THAT.

NEVER MIND THE FLOWERS.
WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO
PRINT A THING
LIKE THIS FOR?

PRINT WHAT, SAMMY?

"SYLVIA PIERSON'S
NEW ORCHID
SUPPLIER'S

A BIG-TIME RACKETEER,
ONLY SHE DON'T
KNOW IT."

THAT'S A ROTTEN
THING TO PRINT.

HOW DO YOU FIGURE THAT?
SYLVIA'S A SWELL DISH.

I SAY YOU'RE COMING ACROSS
WITH ORCHIDS. THAT MAKES
YOU A BIG-TIMER.

IT'S A GREAT AD.

I DON'T WANT
NO ADVERTISING THAT TIES
ME UP WITH DAMES, SEE?

HEY, MAYBE IF I
TOLD YOU A COUPLE
OF THINGS,

YOU'D SEE IT MY WAY.

MAYBE I WOULD.

YOU KNOW, I AIN'T
SUCH A BAD EGG
AS YOU THINK.

ALL YOU KNOW
ABOUT ME IS
THE RACKET.

ALRIGHT.
THAT'S SOMETHING.
THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE.

OUT ON LONG ISLAND,
I GOT A FAMILY,
A WIFE AND A KID.

OUT THERE, I LIVE
RESPECTABLE. MY KID GOES
TO A FANCY SCHOOL.

NOBODY KNOWS NOTHING
ABOUT WHAT I DO
IN TOWN.

NOT EVEN YOUR WIFE,
I GUESS.

I LIVE RESPECTABLE
OUT THERE. YOU AIN'T
GOT A FAMILY.

YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT IT MEANS
TO A GUY LIKE ME.

OUT THERE, EVERYBODY
THINKS I'M IN THE
CONTRACTING BUSINESS.

WHERE DID YOU SAY
YOU LIVED?
JACKSON HEIGHTS?

YEAH.
JACKSON HEIGHTS.

DON'T WORRY, GOBEL.
I WON'T PRINT IT.

YOU WON'T
PRINT WHAT?

WHAT YOU CAME HERE
TO STOP.

SO THE DIRTY
LITTLE RAT
DID TELL YOU.

I NEVER TELL ANYONE
WHERE I GET MY INFORMATION.

YOU TRYING TO KID ME?
MAYBE YOU
AIN'T GOT NO ITEM.

NO?

MAYBE YOU'RE TRYING
TO CHISEL ONE
OUT OF ME.

WHY SHOULD I?
I'M NOT GONNA PRINT IT.

TELL ME WHAT YOU GOT,
AND I'LL TELL YOU IF
YOU'RE RIGHT.

DON'T BE A SAP, GOBEL.
WE'RE BOTH TALKING
ABOUT DOROTHY LANE.

DON'T PRINT IT.
I'D DO ANYTHING TO KEEP
THE MISSIS FROM FINDING OUT.

I'M NOT GOING TO,
I TELL YOU.

SURE?

SURE.

SHAKE HANDS ON IT?
TAKE MY WORD FOR IT.

I'M NOT USING IT--
FOR PERSONAL REASONS,

WHICH HAPPEN TO BE
NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

BUT YOU'LL
ALWAYS KNOW ABOUT
IT, WON'T YOU?

SURE, I WILL. ALWAYS.
AND DON'T YOU EVER
FORGET THAT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

IF YOU SEND ANY OF YOUR
HOODLUMS AROUND TO ANNOY ME,

I'LL SPREAD YOUR NAME
ALL OVER THIS CITY
IN CAPITAL LETTERS.

IF YOU EVER PRINT THAT,
SO HELP ME--

WHO ARE YOU
TO TELL ME WHAT TO PRINT?

I'M
WRITING THIS COLUMN,
AND NO GUY'S GIVING
ME ORDERS, GET OUT.

IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD,
KEEP YOUR DIRTY NOSE
OUT OF MY BUSINESS.

GO ON. BLOW.

[HARMON SINGING ON RADIO]
♪♪ TOO MANY TEARS ♪♪

♪♪ I WASTED LOVING YOU ♪♪

♪♪ YOU KNEW THAT I WAS TRUE ♪♪

♪♪ OH... ♪♪

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

[SIGHS]

[MUSIC STOPS]

OH!

HELLO, MRS. ROBERTS.
GLAD TO SEE YOU.

CAME TO SEE IF
YOU'LL GO TO A
PICTURE WITH ME.

OH, I'D LOVE TO.

IT'S RUTH CHARLTON
OPENING, THERE'LL BE LIGHTS
AND EVERYTHING. YOU'LL LOVE IT.

I KNOW I WILL.
IS ALVIN STILL HERE?

YES. HE'S IN THERE DRESSING
TO GO TO THE OPENING
OF THAT NIGHTCLUB.

I WISH YOU COULD
PERSUADE HIM TO COME
WITH US INSTEAD.

WHY?

IF ALVIN SHOWS UP
AT THE CHATEAU HARMONY,

BUNNY HARMON WON'T
STOP AT ANYTHING.

HELLO, GLAD.

GEE, IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU.
WHAT BROUGHT YOU
HERE TONIGHT?

I THOUGHT I'D TAKE
YOUR MOTHER TO
THE MOVIES.

OH, THAT'S SWELL.
THEN WE'RE
FRIENDS AGAIN, HUH?

WHY DON'T YOU
STAY AWAY FROM
THAT NIGHTCLUB

AND COME ALONG
WITH US?

WHAT? AND MISS
MEETING THAT OLD PAL
OF YOURS BUNNY HARMON?

OH, PLEASE DON'T GO.
SOMETHING MIGHT
HAPPEN, ALVIN.

WHOLE TOWN WOULD THINK
I WAS YELLOW IF I DIDN'T.
I
GOTTA GO.

ALVIN, WHY DON'T YOU
AND MR. HARMON
MAKE UP?

HE CAN MAKE UP ALL HE WANTS TO.
I'M GONNA STICK TO THAT
HE-MAN STUFF.

LISTEN, ALVIN.

AFTER TONIGHT,
WOULD YOU BE WILLING
TO GIVE UP THAT COLUMN?

SURE.

PROMISE?

AFTER TONIGHT,
I'M ABSOLUTELY THROUGH
WITH THAT COLUMN.

HERE I GO--
OFF TO THE RACES.

SO LONG, MOM.

ALVIN'S CRAZY
ABOUT YOU, GLADYS.

DO YOU REALLY
THINK SO?

I NEVER
SAW HIM KISS
ANY OTHER GIRL.

NO?

NEVER HEARD HIM TALK ABOUT
OTHER GIRLS EITHER.
HE TALKS ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME.

IT WOULD DO ALVIN A LOT OF GOOD
IF HE SETTLED DOWN WITH
SOME NICE, SENSIBLE GIRL.

HE DOESN'T TAKE HALF
CARE OF HIMSELF.

I TALK AND TALK,
BUT HE DOESN'T PAY
ANY ATTENTION TO ME.

WELL, I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.
HADN'T WE BETTER GET GOING?

OH, YES. YES.
I'LL GET MY HAT.
I WON'T BE A MINUTE.

WHERE'S AL?
WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WHERE IS HE?

HE WENT TO KEEP A DATE
WITH BUNNY HARMON FOR
THAT NIGHTCLUB OPENING.

YOU GOTTA STOP HIM!
THEY'RE FIXING
TO BUMP HIM OFF!

WHO IS?
GOBEL. TELL HIM I SAID GOBEL.

DON'T LET HIM
GET THERE.
I GOTTA GO.

WAIT! WAIT.
I'LL GO WITH YOU.

Mrs. Roberts:
GLADYS, I'M
ALL READY.

WHY,
IT'S MR. WELLS.

I'VE TO GO WITH HIM.
WE CAN'T GO TO THE PICTURE.

IS ANYTHING
THE MATTER?

NOT A THING,
BUT THEY WANT ME
OVER AT THE OFFICE.

WAIT HERE.
I'LL CALL YOU
SOON AS I CAN.

COME ON.

WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED.

[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]

♪♪ WELL, I'M MAKING HAY
IN THE MOONLIGHT ♪♪

♪♪ IN MY LITTLE BABY'S ARMS ♪♪

♪♪ A HARVEST FOR TWO ♪♪

♪♪ IS BOUND TO COME TRUE ♪♪

♪♪ SOMEDAY I'LL SAY ♪♪

♪♪ IT LOOKS LIKE WE'LL
HAVE A SWEET HONEYMOON TIME ♪♪

♪♪ WITH ITS WONDERFUL CHARM ♪♪

♪♪ 'CAUSE I'M MAKING HAY
IN THE MOONLIGHT ♪♪

♪♪ IN MY BABY'S ARMS ♪♪

♪♪ WELL, I'M MAKING HAY
IN THAT MOONLIGHT ♪♪

♪♪ AND I'M HERE
IN MY BABY'S ARMS ♪♪

♪♪ A LITTLE HARVEST FOR TWO ♪♪

♪♪ IS BOUND TO COME TRUE ♪♪

♪♪ SOMEDAY I'LL SAY ♪♪

♪♪ IT LOOKS LIKE WE'LL
HAVE A SWEET HONEYMOON TIME ♪♪

♪♪ WITH ITS WONDERFUL CHARM ♪♪

♪♪ 'CAUSE I'M MAKING HAY
IN THE MOONLIGHT ♪♪

♪♪ IN MY BABY'S ARMS ♪♪

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU ALL.
THANK YOU.

HELLO, BOYS! HELLO!

HA HA HA!
WELL, HOW IS
EVERYTHING?

MR. RILEY
THE DEMON
PRESS AGENT.

THAT'S ME.
WHAT ARE THE PHONES FOR?

BULLETINS.
EVERYBODY IN TOWN
IS HERE TONIGHT.

I'LL BET YOU THIS OPENING
MAKES THE FRONT PAGE
OF EVERY PAPER IN TOWN.

THAT'S THE TROUBLE WITH YOU.
YOU'VE STILL GOT
THOSE CHICAGO IDEAS.

SAY, YOU DON'T THINK
A NIGHTCLUB OPENING
IS HOT NEWS, DO YOU?

OF COURSE, IF ALVIN
ROBERTS SHOWS UP,
THAT'S A STORY.

IF HE DOESN'T
AFTER SAYING HE WOULD,
THAT'S ONE, TOO.

NOT FOR MY PAPER.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

EVERYTHING O.K.?
YES. YES.

NOW, YOU GO OUT THERE
TO THE MEZZANINE STEPS.

YOU GO UP THE STEPS,

AND RIGHT AWAY
TO YOUR RIGHT
IS THE PRESSROOM.

BUT PLEASE,
MR. ROBERTS, BE CAREFUL.

YOU'RE TELLING ME.

MR. ROBERTS, YOU WILL
PROTECT ME, HMM?

I NEVER
SAW YOU BEFORE
IN ALL MY LIFE.

DRIVER, GO A LITTLE
FASTER, PLEASE.

THINK ROBERTS
WILL SHOW UP?

IF HE DON'T, HE'S GOT
A GOOD ALIBI.

IF HE DOES, HE'LL GET
THROWN OUT ON HIS EARDRUMS.

I GOT 10 STRONG GUYS
TO DO IT.

WHY 10? YOU CAN
GET THEM CHEAPER
BY THE DOZEN.

DO WE'VE TO STAY HERE,
OR CAN'T WE GO DOWNSTAIRS,
MINGLE WITH THE WHITE FOLKS?

ANYTHING YOU WANT.
I GOT A RINGSIDE TABLE
RESERVED FOR YOU,

OR STAY HERE WITH ALL
THE REFRESHMENTS.

NOW, THAT'S WHAT I CALL
REAL THOUGHTFUL.

WHY DON'T YOU
FELLAS TANK UP?

NO, THANKS.
I'M NOT DRINKING.

COOPER?
NO, NO.

SAY, WHAT IS THIS?
A GAG?

NO. HE'S DOING IT
FOR THE WIFE AND KIDNEYS.

HOW ABOUT YOU,
BOLDT?

LATER. I WANNA SEE HOW
FLINT TURNS OUT.

YOU FELLOWS DON'T WORRY
ABOUT THAT STUFF.
IT'S BEEN ANALYZED.

I'VE SEEN A LOT OF STUFF
THAT'S BEEN ANALYZED
I WOULDN'T WANNA DRINK.

BUT THIS STUFF'S O.K.,
RIGHT OFF THE BOAT.

YEAH. BEEN
SCRAPED OFF.

YOU'RE THE FUNNIEST
BUNCH OF REPORTERS
I EVER SAW.

IF YOU DON'T WANNA
DRINK, SUPPOSE I TAKE YOU
DOWNSTAIRS TO SEE BUNNY?

WE'LL DRINK.
NO, NO. I MEAN IT, FELLAS.

WHAT DO WE WANT
TO SEE BUNNY FOR?

WELL, HE'S EXPECTING YOU.
YOU KNOW, PRETEND
YOU'RE INTERVIEWING HIM.

ASK HIM ABOUT
SEX APPEAL BY TELEVISION.

BY TELEVISION?

I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW
IT WILL NEVER PROVE
A POPULAR METHOD.

WE'LL BE DOWN LATER.
WE GOT PLENTY OF TIME.

ALRIGHT.
SUIT YOURSELVES.

I GOT TO KEEP
A LOOKOUT FOR ROBERTS.
GOT TO CIRCULATE.

ORDER ANYTHING
YOU WANT, BOYS.
IT'S ON THE HOUSE. SO LONG.

HI, BOYS.
HOW'S EVERYTHING?

HI, BUNNY.

SAY, WHERE'S
THAT GUY ROBERTS?

HE WON'T SHOW UP.
IF HE DOES,
HE WON'T GET IN.

YEAH? YOU WANT TO BET ON IT?
WELL, IF I DID, YOU'D LOSE.

AS I LIVE AND BREATHE,
ANOTHER JOURNALIST.

WHO IS IT?
THE
HOME GAZETTE NEWS?

WHY, IF IT ISN'T
THE KID HIMSELF.
HOW DID YOU GET IN?

I CAN'T REMEMBER.
WHAT A WONDERFUL DISGUISE.

IF IT HADN'T BEEN
FOR THE CHEATERS,
I WOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN.

ARE YOU GOING TO
PULL SOMETHING TONIGHT?

JUST STICK AROUND AND FIND OUT.
LOOK OUT. HERE'S RILEY.

Riley:
HELLO, BOYS. HELLO.

HAVING A GOOD TIME?
HEY, WHO'S THIS GUY?

OH, JUST ANOTHER
REPORTER.

YEAH?
YEAH.

I BEG YOUR PARDON.
I'M BUNNY HARMON'S
PRESS AGENT.

MR. OX, I WANT YOU
TO KNOW MR. RILEY.

HOW DO YOU DO?
I DIDN'T GET THE NAME.

OX OF THE
GAZETTE.
YOU KNOW--
OX OF THE
GAZETTE.

OH, SURE. I KNOW.
DO YOU WANT TO GO DOWNSTAIRS
AND MEET MR. HARMON?

NOT RIGHT NOW, IF YOU PLEASE.
I MUST GET THESE THINGS IN
FOR MY FIRST EDITION.

THESE GENTLEMEN
HAVE BEEN GIVING ME
MY INFORMATION.

AND DON'T FORGET TO SAY
THAT ALVIN ROBERTS
DIDN'T GET IN.

ROBERTS?

YOU KNOW--THAT
LOW-DOWN DIRT-SLINGER
ON THE
EXPRESS.

OH, A TABLOID WRITER.
DEAR, DEAR.

A STENCH IN THE NOSTRILS
OF AMERICAN JOURNALISM.

JUST A MINUTE, OX.
I'M ON A TABLOID,
REMEMBER?

I'M SORRY, MR. MOXLEY.
NO OFFENSE MEANT.

BECAUSE YOU'RE ON THE
GAZETTE,
YOU NEEDN'T
HIGH-HAT THE REST OF US.

HE DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING.
YOU KEEP OUT OF THIS.

HE CAN SHOOT OFF ALL HE LIKES
ABOUT ROBERTS, BUT LEAVE
THE REST OF US OUT OF IT.

I APOLOGIZE,
MR. MOXLEY.

THERE. YOU SEE?
THAT STRAIGHTENS
EVERYTHING OUT.

COME ON, FELLAS.
LET'S HAVE A DRINK.

HOW ABOUT YOU, MR. OX?
WILL YOU HAVE A DRINK?

NOT RIGHT NOW, PLEASE,

I GUESS I'M THE ONLY ONE.
COME ON. WE'RE GONNA START
THE FIREWORKS.

WELL, LET'S GET
THIS THING OVER.
COME ON, SCRIBES.

LET'S GO DOWN
TO THE BULLRING.

THERE'S GOBEL
AND HIS GANG
SITTING OVER THERE.

ROBERTS IS
TAKING AN AWFUL CHANCE
COMING HERE TONIGHT.

HE'S BEEN THROWN OUT OF
BETTER PLACES THAN THIS.

HE TOLD ME TO KEEP
MY DIRTY NOSE OUT
OF HIS BUSINESS.

HE TOLD THAT TO ME.

SAY, WHY DON'T YOU
FELLAS CIRCULATE, SEE IF
HE'S AROUND SOMEWHERE?

O.K.

AND BE CAREFUL.

THIS IS ONE TIME
I DON'T WANT YOU
TO MISS.

PRESS.

O.K., MADAM.

WHERE'S THE PRESSROOM?
MEZZANINE FLOOR, UPSTAIRS.

[APPLAUSE]

WAIT A MINUTE.
I WANNA TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I'M SURE MOST OF YOU KNOW
THAT THERE'S A CERTAIN
SO-CALLED COLUMNIST

WHO HAS BOASTED
THAT HE WOULD APPEAR HERE,
APPEAR HERE THIS EVENING,

IN SPITE OF THE MEASURES
TAKEN TO PREVENT HIM.

YOU KNOW, OUR PURPOSE IN
REFUSING THIS PERSON ADMISSION

WAS TO TRY AND PROTECT
OUR PATRONS

FROM THE PRYING EYES AND EARS
OF THIS SCANDALMONGER

AND TO SEE IF WE COULDN'T
PROVIDE ONE SPOT IN THIS CITY

WHERE THEY MIGHT FEEL SAFE
FROM HIS UNWELCOME ATTENTIONS.

[APPLAUSE]

AL, YOU'RE
IN TERRIBLE DANGER.
GOBEL'S PLANNING TO GET YOU.

OH, NOBODY'S
GOING TO GET ME.

FRANKIE WELLS SAID HE WAS.

I DON'T CARE
WHAT HE SAID.

PLEASE, COME ON!
YOU THINK IT'S BUNNY HARMON.
WELL, IT ISN'T.

ARE YOU TRYING TO
SPOIL ALL THIS?
I'M GOING DOWN.

I'M HAPPY TO SAY
THAT OUR EFFORTS
HAVE PROVED SUCCESSFUL.

IN THE PRESENCE OF
SO MANY DISTINGUISHED GUESTS,

ALLOW ME TO CALL ATTENTION
TO ONE CONSPICUOUS ABSENTEE.

WHERE IS THIS PUBLIC NUISANCE
WHO ANNOUNCED HE WOULD BE HERE

IN SPITE OF ANYTHING
WE COULD DO TO KEEP HIM OUT?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I ASK YOU,
WHERE IS ALVIN ROBERTS?

DON'T WORRY, FOLKS.
HE WON'T BE HERE.
SO HAVE A GOOD TIME.

THE PLACE IS YOURS.
YOU'RE ALWAYS WELCOME--

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE

MR. ALVIN ROBERTS HIMSELF
IN PERSON AS ADVERTISED.

[LAUGHTER]

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

HELLO? HELLO? OPERATOR?

THIS IS
THE CHATEAU HARMONY.
SEND AN AMBULANCE QUICK.

INFORMATION, THIS IS
ALVIN ROBERTS' MOTHER.

GIVE ME THE NUMBER
OF CHATEAU HARMONY--
QUICK, PLEASE!

[EVERYONE TALKING]

COME ON! BACK UP!

COME ON. GIVE HIM AIR.

COME ON!

[SIREN]

PENNSYLVANIA 6-4000.

DRY DOCK,
4-9800.

HELLO, CITY EDITOR.
GIVE ME THE CITY DESK.

THIS IS BOLDT.
THIS IS DICK COOPER.

THERE WAS SHOOTING JUST NOW.

THERE'S BEEN A SHOOTING
UP AT BUNNY HARMON'S
NIGHTCLUB.

HAVEN'T GOT THE DETAILS.
IT LOOKS LIKE THEY
GOT ALVIN ROBERTS.

YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE.
WHO SAYS?

WHO ARE YOU?
I'M THE GUY THEY SHOT AT.

THEN WHO'S HE?
HE'S THE GUY THEY HIT.

LET ME UP!

YOU'D BETTER LAY STILL.

I'M ALRIGHT,
I TELL YOU!

ARE YOU O.K., MOX?
GUESS SO. I CAN STILL BREATHE.

HOW IS HE, DOC?
JUST A FLESH WOUND, NOT SERIOUS.

I COULD HAVE TOLD HIM THAT.
YOU'RE LUCKY, MOX.

THEY MISSED YOU AND GOT ME.
ROTTEN MARKSMANSHIP,
I CALL IT.

ANOTHER VICTIM.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

SOMEBODY HIT ME WITH A BOTTLE.
IT'S AN ILL WIND.

YOU DIRTY SNEAK--
YOU STARTED ALL
THIS TROUBLE.

I'VE BEEN LAYING OFF
A LONG TIME ABOUT
YOU AND THAT BLONDE.

I WAS ONLY
CARRYING OUT ORDERS.

READ MY COLUMN
DAY AFTER TOMORROW.

DON'T PRINT ABOUT THAT,
I'LL GIVE YOU A TIP
ABOUT HARMON.

WHAT?
HARMON'S NOT HIS NAME.

HIS RIGHT NAME
IS BUNN--B-U-N-N.
HERMAN BUNN.

[EVERYONE]
HERMAN BUNN?

HE TURNED THAT AROUND
TO MAKE BUNNY HARMON.

HE COMES FROM TIDIOUTE,
PENNSYLVANIA.
I KNOW HIS FAMILY.

YOU GUYS LAY OFF.
THAT'S MINE.

WHO IS THIS BLONDE
IN HIS LIFE?

HOW DO I KNOW?
WHO'S YOURS?
EVERY MAN'S GOT ONE.

WHERE'S THE GUY
THIS FELLOW PLUGGED?

HE'S THERE.
I NEVER DID. YOU FRAMED ME.

THAT'LL TEACH YOU
TO SAY I FRAMED YOU.

IT'S HARMON'S DIRTY WORK,
TO KEEP ME OUT OF
HIS NIGHTCLUB.

OH, YEAH? WE'VE BEEN
EXPECTING
SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

SO YOU COULDN'T EVEN
HIT THE RIGHT GUY?

COME ON.
GET OUT OF HERE.

HELLO, BILL. WHO'S THE VICTIM?
GEORGE MOXLEY, REPORTER.

WELL, DARNED
IF IT AIN'T.
HELLO, GEORGE.

HELLO, JIM.

YOU
WOULD
PICK ON
A FRIEND OF MINE,
WOULDN'T YOU?

DO YOU
RECOGNIZE HIM?

I WON'T
IF YOU KEEP THAT UP.

WHAT'S HIS NAME?

LOUIE DEMARCO--ONE
OF SAM GOBEL'S BOYS.

COME ON.

AND GET THIS.

ROBERTS, WHEN INTERVIEWED
AFTER THE SHOOTING,
EXONERATED HARMON

AND LAID THE ENTIRE BLAME
ON SAM GOBEL,

WHOM, HE SAID, VISITED HIM
EARLIER IN THE WEEK AND
MADE THREATS AS TO WHAT--HUH?

YEAH. BE SURE
AND MENTION MY NAME.

THAT GUY GOBEL--
AFTER ME PROMISING TO LAY
OFF THE DOROTHY LANE STORY?

IF IT WASN'T FOR HER,
I'D DRAG THAT RAT FROM
ONE END TO ANOTHER.

YOU CAN'T.
SOMEDAY I'LL GET SOMETHING.

THEN YOU'LL SEE
A COLUMN.

BUT YOU PROMISED
TO GIVE IT UP.

GIVE WHAT UP?
THE COLUMN.

WHEN DID I?

JUST BEFORE YOU WENT OUT.
DIDN'T HE, MRS. ROBERTS?

GIVE UP THE COLUMN
AT A TIME LIKE THIS?

MY FIRST HUNCH WAS RIGHT.
YOU NEVER MEANT IT.

I PROMISED, HUH?
YOU KNOW YOU DID.

BUT, GLAD, IF I DO,
HOW AM I GOING
TO GET EVEN WITH GOBEL?

SAM GOBEL JUST GOT PLUGGED
IN FRONT OF THE CHATEAU HARMONY.

SAM GOBEL--
HE'S DEADER
THAN A DOORNAIL.

THEY GOT HIM, HUH?
RIGHT THROUGH THE BELLY.

JUST MY LUCK. WOULDN'T A
GUY LIKE GOBEL GET HIMSELF
SHOT BEFORE I CAN GET HIM?

YOU DID IT, HUH?
SURE.

WHY?

I JUST TALKED TO HIM,
HE SAID IT WASN'T HIS.

WELL, NOW IT WON'T BE HIS.
GIVE ME THAT.

YOU DIDN'T DO IT, KNOW NOTHING
ABOUT IT. GET OUT OF TOWN TILL
I TELL YOU TO COME BACK.

WHAT'S THE USE?
I GOT HIM.
NOW LET THEM GET ME.

THEY MUSTN'T.
WE'LL GET HER OUT.

YOU STAY OUT OF THIS.

NO. THIS IS
ONE THING I'M IN ON.

JUST A MINUTE.

I THOUGHT YOU
MIGHT BE HERE.
COME ON.

WHAT FOR?
DON'T TELL ME YOU DON'T KNOW.

I SUPPOSE SHE WAS HERE
WHEN GOBEL WAS SHOT.

SURE, SHE WAS.

THAT'S FUNNY.
I SAW HER DO IT,
DIDN'T I?

DON'T SAY A THING TO
ANYBODY EXCEPT A LAWYER.

I'LL GET
CLARENCE DARROW
IN THE MORNING.

I DON'T CARE WHAT HAPPENS.
YOU GOT TO CARE.

I'LL GET YOU OUT OF IT.
A JOB LIKE THIS, SHE OUGHT
TO GET THE KEY TO THE CITY.

I AIN'T SAYING SHE
OUGHTN'T, BUT I CAN'T
GIVE IT TO HER.

GOOD-BYE, KID.
YOU'LL BE ALRIGHT.

I GOT IT.

COLUMBUS 2-2000.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

GET HER OFF. THE COLUMN GOT
HER INTO THIS MESS, IT'S GONNA
GET HER OUT OF IT.

HOW?
SPILLING THE DIRT ABOUT GOBEL.

YOU STILL WANNA BE ON IT?
SURE.

THAT-A GIRL.
GIVE ME MISS STEVENS, PLEASE.

WHEN I GET THROUGH,
I'LL BET NO JURY IN THE WORLD
WOULD INDICT HER.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HELLO.

HELLO, STEVENS?
YOU READY? GOOD.

PUT THIS RIGHT
AT THE TOP.

DOROTHY LANE,
WHO PULLED A FRANKIE
AND JOHNNY

AT THE CHATEAU HARMONY
LAST NIGHT, HAD PLENTY
OF REASON TO SHOOT.

THE VERY LATE SAM GOBEL
WAS HER MAN,
AND HE DONE HER WRONG.

WATCH TOMORROW'S COLUMN
FOR THE LOWDOWN

ON WHY SHE CAN NEVER
BE CONVICTED.

AND GET THIS, STEVIE.

THE ALVIN GLADYS PRICE
ROBERTSES,

WHO ARE TO BE MARRIED
AT CITY HALL THIS MORNING,

ANTICIPATE
A BLESSED EVENT.

ALVIN!

NO KIDDING! WHEN?

DASH, DASH,
AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.