All language subtitles for The Chris Rock Show s02e12 Jada Pinkett.eng

-♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Hi, I'm Chris Rock.

Usually I tell people jokes
and make them laugh.

But tonight I want to talk
about something serious.

Tonight I want to talk about
Rickets, rickets, rickets.

Yeah, it's known on the streets
as Rick or Ricky.

And you may have heard
other kids say,

"Rickets is cool"
and "Rickets makes you tough."

Well, you know what?

Rickets is a bad disease
that hurts your joints.

(SCREAMS)
That's not my idea of fun.

Now if one of your friends
tells you rickets is cool,

well, he is not cool,
and he's not your friend.

CHRIS ROCK: If someone
offers you rickets...

-We got some rickets here.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

...just say no and walk away
while you still can.

Rickets. It's for losers.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

♪ (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

ANNOUNCER: From New York City,

it's The Chris Rock Show!

Tonight,
actress Jada Pinkett,

musical guest, LSG,

plus, musical director,
Grandmaster Flash.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris Rock!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

Thank you!

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Sit down.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Sit down.

Thank you all for coming
to the show.

It's crazy this, uh--

The traffic
is ridiculous out there.

It's the holiday season.

Kwanzaa is almost here.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Yes, Kwanzaa is almost here.

You know, time really flies.
It seems like yesterday

it was Kwanzaa-giving
and Kwanzaa-ween, you know.

You know. I mean,
I love the holiday season.

This is the time of year
where more people believe

in flying reindeer
than Tawana Brawley, you know?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

CHRIS: It's that time of year.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

You know-- you know
what happened this week?

The Ghostface Killah
from the Wu-Tang Clan--

No, from the Charlie Daniels'
band.

No. Ghostface Killah
from the Wu-Tang Clan was arrested

here in New York for carrying
a .357 Magnum.

Now, he claimed
that he was being harassed

by the police.
But the cops said,

"Hey, it is standard procedure
for anybody with a car

that got 'Killah'
on the license plate."

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
-(CHUCKLES)

What else is going on this week?

This week, uh, Louis Farrakhan,
the minister,

is getting ready to go
on a 52-nation tour, man.

Farrakhan on tour. Pulling out
all the stops too, man.

He even got an opening act.
Mase.

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-(LAUGHS)

Yes, all right.

You know, Farrakhan
is getting ready to visit

Saddam Hussein in Iraq.

People are really
pissed off, man.

And, you know,
the government is pissed off.

You thought the U.S. Government
was eager to bomb

the shit out of Iraq before.

Wait till Farrakhan gets there.

Don't go!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

Now, this is true story.

A judge in Los Angeles ruled
that Tupac Shakur's father

could not inherit
half of Tupac's millions.

-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
-That's right.

Y'all clapping like y'all
are getting the other half.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

The judge made the decision
after Tupac's dad

could not identify Tupac
in a group of photos.

-That's right.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

The father picked out MC Hammer.
What's going on.

Now, what else? More news. Uh,

a bartender
in Brentwood, California,

refused to serve O.J. Simpson

after customers threatened
to leave the restaurant

'cause O.J. was there.
People heard O.J. say,

"Hey, who does a brother have
to kill to get a drink in here?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

What else is going on? Um...

In the world of sports,

there's only one thing happening
in sports,

Latrell Sprewell

finally apologized
for choking his coach.

He said he was sorry.
He ain't sorry.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-He ain't sorry.

You know why I know
he ain't sorry?

'Cause he still got
the cornrows, that's why.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-That's right.

You can't go to court
with cornrows in your hair.

I'm sorry. You can't go to court

with the number one hairstyle
in Rikers Island.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
-(LAUGHS)

I'm sorry.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Charles Barkley is calling
for a players boycott

if Sprewell's punishment
isn't reduced.

Now, Barkley says, if they
take away our right

to choke the coaches,
what will they take away next?

Our right to smoke weed?

Our right to spit on the fans?
Our right to fuck white girls?

-No!
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

They can't lose that. Now,

do you-- do y'all like
this New York City background?

Do you like it?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

You know, we're pretty happy
with it.

But it wasn't the first one
we tried.

We went through
a couple of other things.

But we couldn't find anything
quite right, uh, let--

For instance,
let's take a look at this clip

from one of our first shows.

So, tell me this,

now, what was it like working
with Denzel?

It was the best.

He's really a terrific actor
and a great guy.

Now, the landfill thing
didn't feel right,

but I was sure this next one
was going to work.

Now, is it fair to call you
a white supremacist?

Um, what does supremacist mean?

It means, you think white people
are far superior to the other races.

-Superior means...
-Better than, you know...

Now,
we still needed a background,

but I fired the guy
who thought of this one.

Now, what song will you be
doing for us tonight?

I'm going to be playing
the Busta Rhymes' classic,

"Put Your Hands
Where My Eyes Can See."

Wow. Good.

Now, how long have you been
playing the rims of wine glasses?

Not very long, actually, so...

Now, you know, it didn't really
have that New York feeling.

So, we tried a background

that really said
"The Big Apple."

I wanna thank you
for being with us.

And congratulations
on your Nobel Peace Prize.

Thank you very much, Chris.

Now, how did you find out
that you won?

Well, there was a phone call.

A phone call.

From the prize people?
Who called you?

Yes, they called me
from Stockholm.

Okay, now, from Stockholm.

Now, isn't there
a time zone difference?

I mean, it must have been,
like, 3:00 in the morning, your time.

Yes, it actually was.
They woke me up.

But it was great news.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

You know, I don't know
what we were thinking.

Okay, we got a great show
for you tonight.

We got Jada Pinkett
in the house.

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-We got LSG.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

And don't forget to give it up
for Grandmaster Flash.

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-(SCRATCHING)

Now, everybody,
watch this, please.

NARRATOR: You've seen
when animals attack.

You've seen amazing
high-speed police chases.

And now, coming soon to HBO,

When Animals Attack
In High Speed Chases, Two.

This man has just robbed a bank.
He's being pursued by cops.

He is traveling at speeds
in excess

of 100 miles an hour.

If he makes it to the exit ramp,

the police will not be able
to catch him.

Only one thing
can stop him now.

-(ANIMAL SCREECHES)
-(TIRES SCREECHING)

-(THUDDING)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

When Animals Attack
In High Speed Chases, Two.

Hi, I'm Bob Watkins.

The host of When Animals Attack
In High Speed Chases, Two.

On this show
you'll see graphic images

of bloody animal attacks,

and the messy remains
of horrible car accidents

over and over, and over again.

NARRATOR 2: Let's see
that first crash again.

(THUDDING)

NARRATOR 2:
The squirrel was killed,

but amazingly,
the driver survived.

I didn't mind
the squirrel attack.

I didn't even mind
rolling 17 times.

But don't cuff me
after I've broken every bone in my body.

NARRATOR 2: This is Anna Warner.

Victim of a vicious
animal attack.

ANNA WARNER: My husband and me
were camping

in Killer Bear Park.

The park ranger said there had
been bear sightings in the past,

but that there was nothing
to worry about now.

Basically, I lied.

Out of nowhere,
a car comes speeding

into the park with a bear
at the wheel.

It knocked us ten feet.

My husband, thank God,
was killed instantly.

But amazingly, I lived.

And I knew that attack
was not an accident

'cause the bear backed up
and drove over me about seven times.

NARRATOR 2:
Here is a police photo

of Anna just after the attack.

What Anna didn't know
at the time

was there was also
a deer in the car,

riding shotgun.
After the attack in the park,

officers pursued
the bear and the deer.

The bear didn't have a license.

Was baffled
by right turns on red.

For a few miles,
the deer takes the wheel.

But hits a deer, and the bear
takes the wheel back.

NARRATOR 2: Later,
the arrogant bear gives

the police the finger.

This causes the bear
to lose control,

and the cops
run him off the road.

The deer tries to toss
beer cans out of the car.

The deer is taken
into custody immediately.

The bear surrenders.

Once out of the vehicle,
he pretends to be hurt,

but then shoves an officer aside
and makes a break for the woods.

The footrace is on.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

NARRATOR 2: In desperation,
the bear runs into a nearby home.

The bear
tries to disguise himself

as a fancy throw rug.

But officers are not fooled.
They cuff the rug.

They also arrest another rug
just to be on the safe side.

NARRATOR: He'll be spending
the next 20 years in jail

as "Smoky the Bitch."

So, join me next week on...

NARRATOR: When Animals Attack
In High Speed Chases, Two.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

Hey, my first guest tonight
has starred

in The Nutty Professor,
Set It Off

and can be currently seen
in Scream Two.

-♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Please welcome Jada Pinkett.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

-Jada, Jada, Jada, Jada.
-♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-What's happening?
-Got the big hat for me.

Well, you know,
I'm a little disturbed

because your costume folks
in the back

pulled my little--
my little brim back.

-Well, we want to see your face.
-They pinned it back.

We don't care what you do
on the Keenan Show.

I couldn't give you
the real pimp effect, you know.

We want to see the face.

Everything is happening
for you right now.

You got Scream.
You got other movies. You got--

What's the worst script
you've been offered?

-The worst script?
-What's the worst piece of crap.

You said, "What the hell
are they thinking?"

Chris, I've had so many.

You know, I've had
so many scripts sent to me

-that are just booty.
-CHRIS: But what's the one that just made you go,

"I know they
didn't send this to me.

Do they know
who the hell I is?"

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(CHUCKLES)

I mean, maybe you didn't say it
like that.

'Cause I got a script.

Disney called me up,
they wanted me to play

-a monkey in a movie.
-(LAUGHS)

I said, "I'm not playing
a monkey!"

You better go get
a monkey to play your monkey.

-(LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

I don't know. All right,
so forget the script thing.

I mean, you're doing a lot.
Scream. Scream, now, did--

'Cause, you know,
they kill black people quick

-in horror movies.
-Real quick.

So, how long do you last?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Let's say,
don't close your eyes. Don't blink.

(CHUCKLES) Don't blink.

It's kind of like
a Tyson fight, huh?

-Absolutely. (LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

It's kind of like
a Tyson old fight.

-Right. (CHUCKLES)
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(CHUCKLES)
You know, the pre-bite Mike.

-(BOTH LAUGH)
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

You're a trip. You're a trip.

His old fights
used to be over quick.

-(BOTH LAUGH)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You know what's cool?
We did a bit on you.

Oh, yeah, I heard. I heard.

-CHRIS: The Million Woman March.
-Uh-huh.

You went down
to the Million Woman March.

Now I-- Now,

they had the Million Man March
and I knew what that was about

'cause brothers
was losing their minds...

-Right.
-...doing all sorts of crazy shit.

It's like, "Okay, let's get them
all together

and tell them,
you don't fuck around no more."

What was
the Million Woman March about?

'Cause y'all seem-- 'Cause
Black women are all right.

Well, not really, though.

I mean, yeah, we needed
to kind of get together

and get an agenda.

You know, it's like,
"Okay, women,

it's time to focus
on our families."

-An agenda.
-Besides yelling at us?

Right! It's like, all right,
look, let's deal with us.

Let the Black man do
what he has to do, okay.

Let's focus on us
for a minute, you know?

And I mean I just think that

what the Million Woman March
did is like,

I think sometimes we put
too much focus on Black men.

And we really need
to focus on ourselves

-and strengthen ourselves.
-CHRIS: Okay.

And that ultimately
makes better men.

(CHUCKLES) You know?

For real, girls,
let's get it right.

Let's get it right. All right?

If we ain't together,
our men don't have a chance.

Trust, okay?
So, that's what that was about.

Yeah, I've noticed a change
in the street.

-(BOTH LAUGH)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Everywhere I go, man,
that march really did something.

That's right. It was powerful.
It was powerful.

It changed my life.

-Get out of here.
-Yeah, it really did. I--

When they first asked me,
you know, I was kind of, like,

"Okay, we're doing
the Million Woman March.

You know I got to be there,"
you know.

You know,
the midget revolutionary.

So, I gotta do my thing.

I didn't see a lot
of actresses there.

Do you think more artists
should be involved, just politically--

You know, I don't know. I know
that I need to be more involved.

You know what I'm saying?

But I can't speak
for everybody else.

But it also-- A lot
of people didn't know about

-the Million Woman March.
-CHRIS: Oh, they knew.

It was on the DL, Chris.
It was on the DL.

-Well, a million women knew.
-(LAUGHS)

-(LAUGHS)
-That's true.

But, you know, you really--
It wasn't really organized.

You know, it was kind of,
people didn't know.

Wait a minute, women
are always organized.

JADA PINKETT:
They were organized--

It was organized enough to get
a million plus women there.

Men got organized
faster than women?

-That's true, that's true.
-That's true.

I mean, hey,
maybe I'm just making excuses.

I was there, and let me tell you
I had a blast.

I had a ball. Me and the sisters
were having a good time.

-Did you catch any sales?
-We had no sales.

(BOTH LAUGH)

You know, Black folks took--

they took total advantage
of that opportunity.

It's like,
"This t-shirt costs 50 dollars."

I'm like, "Fifty dollars, damn!"

Were they selling buttons
and shit?

Oh, yeah,
they had a whole bunch of paraphernalia there.

(BELL RINGING)

Whenever there's, like,
some Black rally or something--

The button-- Is that it?

-MAN: That's it.
-Yes!

-Yes, yes!
-What?

You're not gonna believe this.

Jada Pinkett, you win
a bottle of champagne.

You know why?

Because you just
did an interview

without mentioning
the name "Will Smith."

(SCREAMS)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

Yes!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

That is terrible.

-Yes! Yes!
-That is terrible!

-You didn't ask me nothing.
-Yes! We did it here on HBO!

Yo! Well, that's it
for Jada right now.

Thank you so much.

-(CHUCKLES)
-You did it! You did it!

-All right, watch this.
-♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

CHRIS: There's nothing worse
than bad phone sex.

♪ (SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

SPEAKER: I don't know. I just--

I don't feel comfortable
doing this, Chris.

Oh, come on, come on.

So, what do you have on?

SPEAKER: Underwear.

Come on, don't say underwear.
Say panties.

You're wearin' panties, right?
What kind of panties?

SPEAKER: Hmm,
like a tweed-lycra blend.

Don't tell me what it's made of.

What am I, a tailor?
Okay, okay.

So, what you gonna do
when you see me?

SPEAKER: Um...

I don't know.

You want me to kiss you?

SPEAKER: I don't know.

You want me to eat your pussy?

-SPEAKER: No.
-(SHRIEKS)

What you mean we're over?

Do you want me
to eat your pussy?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

SPEAKER: Eventually,
I guess, we'll get there.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Okay. Okay.

(SIGHS) What do you gonna
to do to me?

SPEAKER: Um...

-pet your arm.
-Huh?

What you touch my arm for?

What the fuck?
I ain't in a fight, I didn't fall down.

SPEAKER: All right,
I'll massage your neck.

CHRIS: You gotta go lower.

SPEAKER: Um...

what if I rub your tummy?

CHRIS: (WHISPERING) Lower.

Lower.

SPEAKER: All right.
I'll touch your penis.

-My penis?
-SPEAKER: Hmm.

-My penis?
-SPEAKER: Uh-huh.

What the fuck are you
talking about "penis"?

"Penis"? What's this penis shit?
What am I, a fucking doctor?

It's dick. Dick! My dick!

(LINE DISCONNECTS)

Damn!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

You have heard!

Now... I didn't even know
my next guest was in town.

But he just dropped by,
and I'm really excited.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Pootie Tang.

-♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

Yo!

-Welcome to the show.
-Thanks, baby.

Now, Pootie Tang on my show.

It's so good to see you,
Pootie Tang! Now--

You must be here doing
a promotional tour or somethin'?

(SCOFFS) Yeah.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Now, Pootie, I was wonderin',

what happened to you
down by the cutty sty?

Aw, Chris, that cutty sty
beat was bullshit, all right.

I was just down there,
you know, tyning the clow.

Really? 'Cause everybody said
you were crying on a tammy.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

No, my damey.

That's a wadatai
to the sama cow.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Well, if you say so, Pootie.

Sadatay.

Now, Pootie, Pootie, Pootie,
everybody knows

you just cut
a new record, right?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's called
"Tippy Tai On My Cappy Town."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Now, Pootie, did anybody good
play on the record?

Oh, yeah. Uh,
we had Ooh Smooth Gilly on bass.

-CHRIS: Yeah!
-Uh, Cruddy Pooster on keys.

-CHRIS: Get outta here!
-Yeah.

Wamatau Sappy Cama Cama
Leepa Chaaaai...

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-...on drums.

And Paul Schaffer.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You know, that sounds rainy,
Pootie.

Now, do you have a clip
for this video?

(SCOFFS) Yeah.

All right, now,
let's take a look at a clip from Pootie Tang's

"Tippy Tai On My Cappy Town."

♪ ("TIPPY TAI ON MY CAPPY TOWN"
PLAYING) ♪

(SINGING)
♪ Tippy Tai on my Cappy Town ♪

♪ Tippy Tai on my Cappy Town ♪

-♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
-Wow, wow! Hey!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

That was terrific, Pootie.

Sadatay.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Well, I'm a wan tam
that you came by, Pootie.

Oh, man, I ponie pai to the
camie towns all the time, man.

Wen a ten on the poopy face.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Huh, what?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Oh.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Uh, wen a ten on the poopy face.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Nigga, what the fuck
you talking about?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Wen a ten on my poopy face!

-Oh, wen a ten on my poopy face!
-Yeah!

Pootie Tang, everybody!

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

Here to perform
the song "My Body"

are Gerald Levert,
Keith Sweat, and Johnny Gill,

known as LSG!

♪ ("MY BODY" PLAYING) ♪

SINGER: (SINGING)
♪ All over your body, baby ♪

♪ All over my body, girl ♪

♪ All over my body girl ♪

♪ In the middle of the night ♪

♪ When my body's feelin'
For you, baby ♪

♪ Gotta call you up
And let you know ♪

♪ It's what I'm feelin', baby ♪

♪ Nine-one-one
Zero-zero, twenty-four ♪

♪ Baby, it's an emergency ♪

♪ I'm callin' 'cause gotta
Have some more ♪

♪ How would you like
If I lay you down ♪

♪ If I lay you down ♪

♪ Would you like it if I was
To sex you down ♪

♪ I can't think about
Nothing else ♪

♪ You sentulate me
With your love ♪

♪ It ain't no secret, girl ♪

♪ Your body fits me
Like a glove ♪

♪ My body all over
Your body, babe ♪

♪ Baby, it's your body, babe ♪

♪ Your body all over
My body, babe ♪

♪ My body all over
Your body ♪

♪ It's your body, baby ♪

♪ All over your body ♪

♪ My body all over
Your body, babe ♪

♪ Baby, it's your body, babe ♪

♪ I cling to your body, baby ♪

♪ Baby, it's your body, babe ♪

♪ Baby, baby ♪

♪ Wanna fill you up 'til
Your river flows all over me ♪

♪ Wanna feel
Your precious treasure ♪

♪ Wrapped around me
Oh, so tightly ♪

♪ In, out
I wanna hear you shout ♪

♪ Won't you come on, baby
Let me break you off ♪

♪ I guarantee
I'll turn you out ♪

♪ Would you like it if I was
To sex you down ♪

♪ Baby, girl
Stop fighting, you know ♪

♪ You want me just
Like I want you ♪

♪ Never had a lover
That would do ♪

♪ The things
That Johnny can do ♪

♪ Your body all over
My body, babe ♪

♪ Said, it feels
So good, baby, my, my, my ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Said, it feels so good
Said, it feels so good ♪

♪ My body all over your body ♪

♪ It's your body, babe ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, it's your body, babe ♪

♪ If I beg, please, play on ♪

♪ I want you to play on
Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, baby ♪

♪ Keep on playin' on ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Keep playin' on ♪

♪ My body all over your body
Baby ♪

♪ Can't you feel me, baby?
Oh, yeah! ♪

♪ Give me your body, baby ♪

♪ Over your body ♪

♪ Over my body ♪

♪ Your body all over my body ♪

♪ Can't you feel me, baby? ♪

-♪ All over your body ♪
-♪ It's your body, baby ♪

♪ Oh, it's your body, baby ♪

♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

Yo, that's our show
for tonight!

I would like to thank our guests
Jada Pinkett, LSG!

Yo, Flash, take us out.

♪ (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

♪ (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

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