All language subtitles for The Chris Rock Show s02e07 Chris Spencer.eng

♪ (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

ANNOUNCER: From New York City,
it's The Chris Rock Show!

Tonight,
comedian Chris Spencer.

Musical guest, Bobby Brown.

Plus, musical director,
Grandmaster Flash.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris Rock!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

♪ (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

Hello!

Yo!

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you. Oh, thank you.

Oh, sit down!

Oh, you sittin',
well, sit lower.

Thank you, everybody,
for coming to the show.

It's been a crazy, crazy week.
Crazy insane week.

Uh, what happened this week?
Mike Tyson!

Mike Tyson, you know.

-Iron Mike.
-(CROWD LAUGHING)

-Bitey McGee.
-(CROWD LAUGHING)

Uh, Mike Tyson was injured
in a motorcycle accident

this week. That's right.

You know what the bad news is
for Mike?

Not only did he break
a couple of ribs

but now, the motorcycle
is suing him

for ten million dollars.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

They gonna take
all Mike's money.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

That's right, more--
In more sports news,

the Dallas Cowboys,
they lost again last week.

The Cowboys--
Four and four, man.

-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
-And they are--

Cowboys are in danger
of missing the playoffs, man.

Now, Coach Barry Switzer said,
"Yo, we got to get back to doing the things

that made us
a championship team!"

That's right! Fuckin' strippers
and smoking crack.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

Cowboys! You know.

You know. (CHUCKLES)
It's the Cowboys.

Now, in a-- In New York,
in New York,

desperate challenger,
Ruth Metzinger, the one--

she's going against Giuliani,
trying to be the mayor,

said Mayor Giuliani
does not deserve credit

for New York's drop in crime.

She said, "Hey, have we
forgotten about Spiderman?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

That's what she said,
I didn't make it up.

You know what else happened
this week? Uh...

Method Man.

Method Man of the Wu-Tang Clan

was arrested and charged,
you know. And, you know,

he's going to go
to jail or something,

was arrested for beating up
a security guard.

That's right, Method, you know.

He came to bring the pain,
Method did.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Now, Method Man--

Now, you know he's gonna have
a hard time in court, man,

'cause the only
character witness he got

is the Old Dirty Bastard.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

Fucked up.

Your Honor, he's a good man.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

More show business news,

Tupac Shakur's mother, Mama Pac,

has started
her own record company,

which is great. It's great.

The only problem
is now Biggie's mama's

trying to kill her.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE BOOING)

-(LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Hey, that shit was funny.
Fuck all y'all.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(LAUGHS)

If you like that one,
here's a new one.

Anybody hear about the guy,
this is the guy--

What's the guy,
the Milli Vanilli guy,

-who's giving everybody AIDS?
The guy, uh... -(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

-What's the guy?
-AUDIENCE MEMBER: Nushawn.

Yeah. Nushawn.

He ain't like the old Shawn.

He's the Nushawn,

giving all these girls AIDS,
man.

It's fucked up.
You know what's wild?

The judge gave him
an unusual punishment.

The judge said, "You know what?
Why don't you go fuck yourself?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

(CHEERING)

And finally, finally,
the Million Woman March!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Million Woman March
was on last week.

I talked to--
In-- in Philadelphia.

-In Philadelphia. Yeah.
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

I-- I talked to Ice Cube.
He called it, uh,

"Bitches by the bell."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, EXLAIMING)

I didn't say it.
Ice Cube said it.

(AUDIENCE BOOING)

And Too Short said it too!
Anyway.

Last Saturday,
after a year of planning.

Now, you know why it took
so long to get it going?

Because organizers
had to make sure

that no two women had on
the same outfit.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

You know,
at the Million Woman March,

there were the moving speeches
from people like Maxine Waters,

Winnie Mandela, and, uh,

here are
some inspirational words

from the lovely Jada Pinkett.

I am here today...

because this is an act
of power, women.

-Okay?
-CROWD: Yes!

-Everybody say ho!
-CROWD: Ho!

-Ho!
-CROWD: Ho!

Now scream.

(CROWD SCREAMING)

ALL: The roof, the roof,
the roof is on fire!

We don't need no water,
let the motherfucker burn!

Burn, motherfucker, burn!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

Okay, ya'll. We've got
a great show tonight.

We've got Chris Spencer
in the house.

We've got Bobby Brown
in the house!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

And I want you to give it up
for Grandmaster Flash!

(SCRATCHING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

That's right. Now the election
is coming very soon.

So I want you all to watch this
paid political announcement.

NARRATOR: On Tuesday,
November 4th,

you have an important
decision to make.

Vote no on proposition 238.

The fat cats in Washington
are telling you that 238

will lower your property taxes
by five percent.

But read the fine print.

Two thirty-eight will also cut
Medicare allowances

and replace the American flag
with a piece of bubble wrap.

The free-spending Democrats
want you to think 238

will help
underprivileged children.

But read the fine print.

It says, "Underprivileged
children can kiss my ass."

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-NARRATOR: Sure, under 238,

your property taxes
will go down.

But pancakes will cost
a million dollars...

each.

Big business Republicans
don't want you to know that 238

is the number
between 237 and 239.

But it is.

Sure, prop 238 will save you
some tax dollars.

But read the fine print.

It says, "Anyone caught
reading fine print

-will have their eyes removed."
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

NARRATOR:
And if that's not bad enough,

238 will change
the national anthem

to "Baby Got Back."

♪ ("BABY GOT BACK"
BY SIR MIX-A-LOT PLAYING) ♪

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

NARRATOR: What kind of country
takes off their hat to sing

"Baby Got Back" and salutes
a piece of bubble wrap?

Not America.
If the 238 passes,

America will be officially
referred to as Poopyland.

Sure, your property taxes
will go down,

but do you really want
to own property in Poopyland?

I'm Al Sharpton.
Vote no on proposition 238

or we'll all be living
in Poopyland.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

Now, my first guest tonight
is the former host

of Vibe TV show.

Please welcome
Chris Spencer, come on!

-♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

-What's the deal, baby?
-Chris Spencer.

-Yes, sir.
-All right.

You was minding
your own business,

and Quincy called you up
and says, "Do this show."

-Right.
-Just minding your own business.

-Doing nothing.
-Just--

just chillin', ridin' along.

A little bit of gardening,
a couple of pornos, and that was it.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And they tell you to do
this show out of the blue sky.

And then they give Keenan
a show at the same damn time.

Now, let me ask you this.

How did they tell you
you had the show?

-That's first of all.
-Uh, actually,

I was at home.
Minding my own business.

And Quincy actually called me
from his car phone.

Or helicopter phone,
or something.

And just called me
and told me, uh,

actually, I'd been chosen out
of whatever, two or three hundred people,

to do the job
and be the host of Vibe.

Okay. Now, Quincy's cool.

Quincy, like, produces
like Michael Jackson, you know.

And, uh, he's the biggest
music producer ever.

But, like, the Vibe thing
is some comedy shit.

-Right.
-Now what kind of comic advice

did you get from Quincy Jones?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS)

He didn't actually
give me any comedy advice.

He just kind of, you know,

-uh--
-CHRIS ROCK: When the joke

didn't work, he said,
"Give it more high hat."

-(LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

He didn't give me
any comedy advice.

He just gave me
positive advice about, you know,

about the show and, you know,

the history of, you know,
of late-night talk shows.

Nothing--
nothing ever about comedy.

And how-- how did you know
it was going bad?

Ho-- I knew like around--

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

When y'all stopped watching.
No, uh...

When you were coming down
the elevator,

"Hey, this ain't funky now."

The elevator got stuck.
No, what happened,

they started telling me
the show was too Black.

And I was like,
“Yo, what you mean?

I'm not
passing out fried chicken,

I ain't interviewing Crips.
What you mean, ‘Too Black?'"

And so, uh-- And then, you know,
and, uh,

people started acting weird
around me.

-(CHRIS CHUCKLES) How did they--
-Like, you know,

they'd be like,
"Hey, Chris, how you doin'?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"That nigga ain't gonna
be here too long, is he, though?"

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-"Yeah," he said.

It just became awkward.

And then you
how you get free stuff--

When you go on TV
you get free stuff.

-Right.
-And the people were

calling me back asking
for the shit back, almost.

-(LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"Hey, hey, Chris, how you doing?
This is Heather, um,

have you worn
those Reeboks?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"Okay.
No, I was gonna take them.

I was gonna give
the new Manut Bols."

So everything just
became kind of awkward.

-Oh, that's fucked up.
-Yeah.

(CHUCKLES) That's fucked up.

But it was a great opportunity.

You know. People know my name.
And they go,

"Hey, that's the nigga
that got fired. Hey, what's up?"

-"Okay. Hey!"
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

-(CHUCKLES) Hey!
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

-So, it was cool, it was cool.
-(CHUCKLES)

You're taking it cool.

-AUDIENCE: Aw!
-I'm good.

He got a nice house.

I stole this from wardrobe
of the show.

I'm all right.

-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
-I'm gonna be all right.

-(CHUCKELS)
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

How did they tell you
that they were replacing you?

Oh, now, this was the part
that was kinda weird.

I was at home sleeping,
and my grandmother called me

and told me she heard
on the news

that they were looking
for a new host.

-Your grandma?
-My grandmother called me.

Then I got a page
from the producers of the show

inviting me to breakfast.

-AUDIENCE: Aw.
-And I was like, "Uh--"

That's some Godfather shit.

Yeah, seriously.

And I was like, "Um, breakfast?
I'm not hungry."

Yeah, it was awkward.

It was-- But, you know,
hey, I'm here, right?

I got to be on
The Chris Rock Show, right?

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-You know what's dumb?

Is that I love--
You know, I was afraid

what was the love gonna
be like on the east coast?

And I went to a club last night
in New Jersey.

The Peppermint Lounge.
The comedy club, you ever been there?

-AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah!
-And the crowd was-- It was rough last night.

Brothers was fighting.
But I walked in,

they were fighting, they were
beating each other's ass,

and the dude stopped,
shook my hand, and said,

"Hey, man. I loved your show,"
and then started fighting again.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

So you know I appreciate
all the love you guys give.

Now, how does it feel
to be replaced by Sinbad?

-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLE)
-It's--

Did you feel like, "Hey, man,

I could wear
some crazy pants, too?"

-(LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You know what's awkward?

-(LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Hey, I love Sinbad.
Sinbad's my man.

You know what's awkward
is, like, Vibe was my girl.

You know. So I got to turn on
the TV every night

and watch somebody fuck my girl,
that's what's awkward.

-AUDIENCE: Oh!
-You know,

so it's like, you know,
I got people going, you know--

People coming to me going,
"Hey, man, didn't you use to hit that?"

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-And he's doing a good job.

So that means he's fucking her
better than me, so...

It's just kind of weird.
But, you know.

I'm glad to see
the brother succeed.

No, man.
I'm just glad you came, man.

You got, like,
a positive attitude.

People like, "What's gonna
happen to him, man?"

People think I'm going
to commit suicide.

"Hey, man,
I'm sorry about the show."

Offering me stuff I already got.

"Yo, man,
you ever need a haircut..."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

And you know what's--

I feel bad, 'cause I'm starting
to milk the sympathy.

You know, I'm going to clubs,
talking to girls,

"You heard what happened
to me, right?"

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
-"Yeah, uh--

Yeah, I just want maybe
a hug and come through,

you know. What time you want
to come over, 4:00? No.

Um, come over at 3:00,
I'm getting a haircut at 4:00."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Yo, man,
thanks for coming on the show.

One love. Thank you very much.

And you can always get
a haircut here.

-♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Chris Spencer,
ladies and gentlemen.

Now, today,
you know what today is,

-Halloween.
-AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Halloween, trick or kill you.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Yeah, today's Halloween.

The one day where
we wanna be scared.

You know what people
think about on Halloween.

Ghosts, goblins.

And the creepiest thing
of all...

death!

So in the spirit of Halloween,
I hit the streets

and talked to some folks
who know more about death

than anyone else
'cause that's their job.

Check this out.

PATRICIA A. MORRIS:
Well, whatever it is that comforts their heart,

that's what we'll do.

Has anybody ever gotten
a weave sewed to their head,

-like a dead lady...
-Yes.

-...had to have a weave?
-Yes.

You ever have any sales?

Never have any sales.

-Never a sale?
-No.

Never, like,
a buy one, get one free?

No.

Dead lady with a weave.

And no one ever says,
is it her hair on that day.

-They just let it slide?
-No. Yeah.

She's dead. It's, like,
no one's gonna say, "That ain't her hair."

What's the craziest thing
you've ever seen at a funeral?

I've seen, um,
two sisters fighting

-over an insurance policy.
-CHRIS: Okay.

Um, where they pulled
off each other's fur coats,

hats.

Ooh, child, this is the ticket.

I need to talk to you
about that, you know,

'cause, you know,
that's supposed to be my share.

This money is mines.
Reach for it, shorty. (LAUGHS)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

When these fights go on,
what do you do?

Pray. Hard.

You're going to whip my what?

Give me my purse.

Help, she got my purse!

CHRIS: Hmm.

That should wanna make
you shout right now.

-Make you wanna whoo!
-(LAUGHS)

Can you do the funkiest version
of "Amazing Grace?"

Uh, yeah. Let's see.

♪ (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(SINGING) ♪ Amazing grace ♪

♪ How sweet ♪

♪ The sound ♪

♪ That saved an old wretch ♪

♪ Like me ♪

♪ You never know ♪

♪ You're my hero ♪

(SINGING) ♪ You just call on me
Brother ♪

♪ When you need a hand ♪

♪ We all need somebody
To lean on ♪

♪ (BALLPARK MUSIC
PLAYING ON ORGAN) ♪

Would you print something like,
"That's all, folks?"

That we might be able
to get away with.

Now, if your child were
to go to school

-and save another kid's life...
-Mm-hmm.

...would you give 'em a beating?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Because that's money
out your pocket.

Have you ever picked up fares
just to make extra money?

-No.
-Cab service,

-take somebody to the airport?
-No.

If the casket falls out,

do you lose points
on your license?

-No.
-Do you need a special license

-to drive a hearse?
-No.

♪ (HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Hey! What's up, baby?

They don't have a DJ
at the funeral?

Once.

-♪ (FUNERAL MARCH PLAYING) ♪
-(SCRATCHING)

Is there a lot
of taxidermy work in Harlem?

PEDRO J. TEBAR:
Actually, I'm the first.

Do you ever threaten your kids?
You know,

"Do your homework
or I'll stuff you?"

Uh, no, but I say that
to my dog all the time.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You ever scared they're gonna
come to life one night and kill you?

No.

Unless I'm drunk.

When I'm drunk, I stare at them
and they be staring back.

♪ (OMINOUS TUNE PLAYS) ♪

Do they ever speak
when you're drunk?

No. No. They just stare.

(LAUGHTER)

Do you plan on being stuffed?

I would like it.

(CACKLING)

PATRICIA: Well, whatever it is
that comforts their heart,

that's what we'll do.

PROFESSOR JOE BOWLES: (SINGING)
♪ Amazing grace ♪

♪ How sweet the sound... ♪

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

Hey, it's Halloween.

For all the kids
who stayed home tonight

and want to catch up
on this week's events,

here's The Chris Rock Show's
"News For Kids."

-Just for kids.
-♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

-Hi, kids, I'm Wanda Witch.
-And I'm Scoopo the Clown.

And this is "News For Kids."

Today, three people were shot
and killed in Brooklyn

in a gangland murder.

The victims had their faces
blown clean off!

(LAUGHS)

Police are searching
for a suspect

they describe as somebody
with a gun who shot

and killed three people.

-Wanda?
-Clean off?

-Clean off.
-(LAUGHS)

Today,
killer nanny Louise Woodward

was sentenced to life in prison
after being convicted

in the shaking death
of a little baby boy.

Woodward admits she shook
the baby to try to calm him

because he wouldn't stop crying
after she had violently

slammed him on the floor.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Wowsy-wee!
Oh, that must've been rough.

He wouldn't stop crying.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

In other news,
57 million condoms were recalled

this week
after the company learned

the shipment was defective.

Showing compassion,
a company spokesman said,

"If you get pregnant
as a result of our mistake,

the abortion's on us." Wanda?

Now that's fair.

-That's very fair. (LAUGHS)
-That's very fair.

Now, with financial news,
here's Bunny Rosenblum!

Wall Street suffered a record

554-point drop
this past Monday,

followed by a record rebound
of 337 points.

Today the SMP
suffered moderate losses--

Thanks a lot, Bunny!
Thanks a lot.

Right now with sports is...
(STUTTERS) ...Tom Twinkletoes!

-Thanks, clown.
-All right.

Well, kids, it looks like

old Charles Barkley's at it
again.

That's right.
He's no role model.

You know what happened?

He was at a restaurant,
just eating,

when this guy came up
and started calling him names.

And then the bad man poured ice
all over Sir Charles.

Sir Charles didn't like that,

so he started pushing
the guy in the face.

"Get out of here.
Fuck you. I hate you.

You cracker bastard!
Take that, you piece of shit."

And then he got really mad.
And then he picked him up

and threw him
through the glass!

Just like that. He said,
"I hope you die,

motherfucker, die!"

(ALL LAUGHING)

And that's the sports.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Wowsy-wee,
that was some ass-kicking.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Yeah, when the guy's littler
than you. Yeah.

Oh, boy.
Well, that's "News For Kids."

And one more tip.
Remember, kids,

don't take any candies
from strangers

unless it's your favorite.

-I'm Scoopo the Clown.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

-Goodnight, everybody.
-Goodnight!

-♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

His new album Forever
hits the stores next week.

Here to perform the song
"Feelin' Inside,"

-give it up for Bobby Brown!
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

♪ ("FEELIN' INSIDE" PLAYING) ♪

What I want you all to do...

is get on up.

Get up!

Come on!

You are now listenin'
to the sounds of...

your boy Bobby, baby.

(SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY)

(SINGING)
♪ You see now lately ♪

♪ There's been a funny feelin' ♪

♪ That won't stop bothering me ♪

♪ See, I try to shake it ♪

♪ Erase it
From my heart and mind ♪

♪ But it just
Don't want to leave ♪

♪ Oh ♪

BACKUP SINGERS: (SINGING)
♪ I can't explain the way You driving me insane ♪

♪ I can't explain the way
You drive me insane ♪

♪ No, I can't ♪

BACKUP SINGERS: (SINGING)
♪ And I can't complain ♪

♪ 'Cause, girl
I love that thing ♪

♪ Love the things
That you do ♪

♪ When you do
What you do to me ♪

BACKUP SINGERS: (SINGING)
♪ I've got this feelin', baby ♪

♪ I've got this feelin' inside ♪

♪ Tonight's gonna be all right ♪

BACKUP SINGERS: (SINGING)
♪ I've got this feelin' ♪

♪ Baby... ♪

BACKUP SINGERS: (SINGING)
♪ I've got this feelin' inside ♪

Check it out, check it out,
check it out

♪ See, I've been searching
Yo ♪

♪ For so long to find
The perfect one for me ♪

♪ That I can trust in ♪

♪ And I've been yearning ♪

♪ For someone to love me
Just for me ♪

♪ Just for me
Well, well, well, well ♪

♪ I just can't explain ♪

♪ Explain the way
You drive me insane ♪

♪ No, I can't ♪

BACKUP SINGERS: (SINGING)
♪ And I can't complain ♪

♪ Baby, I just can't complain ♪

♪ 'Cause I love the things
That you do... ♪

♪ (SINGERS VOCALIZING) ♪

♪ I've got these feelings ♪

BACKUP SINGERS: (SINGING)
♪ Feel it ♪

♪ (VOCALIZING) ♪

-♪ I... ♪
-♪ (SINGERS VOCALIZING) ♪

♪ Don't you know that I... ♪

BACKUP SINGERS: (SINGING)
♪ Feel it ♪

-♪ Feel it... ♪
-BOBBY BROWN: Hey, y'all.

♪ Deep inside ♪

♪ Goin' up, Roxbury
That's my Bible ♪

♪ Want my project double ♪

♪ Show some mad love
There you go ♪

♪ No matter what happens
I live under your rocks ♪

I remain with my microphone.
Cut! I'm out!

BACKUP SINGERS: (SINGING)
♪ I've got this feelin' I've got this feelin' inside ♪

♪ See, now ♪

♪ See, now ♪

♪ See, now ♪

♪ See, now, really ♪

♪ There's been a funny ♪

November 4th,
Go pick up the album, y'all.

One love.

Bless you, always.

-♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

CHRIS:
Yo, that's our show for tonight.

I'd like to thank our guests,
Chris Spencer

and B. Brown, Bobby Brown.
We'll see you next week.

Yo, Flash, take us out!

-♪ (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

AUDIENCE: (CHANTING)
Go, Bobby! Go, Bobby! Go, Bobby!

Go, Bobby! Go, Bobby! Go, Bobby!

Go, Bobby! Go, Bobby! Go, Bobby!

Go, Bobby! Go, Bobby! Go, Bobby!

Go, Bobby! Go, Bobby! Go, Bobby!

-Go, Bobby! Go, Bobby! Go!
-♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

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