All language subtitles for The Chris Rock Show s02e02 Conan O Brien.eng

When I first heard that HBO
was looking for someone

to host the Chris Rock Show,

I thought to myself...

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-"...Hey, I got a shot."

When Chris first auditioned
for the Chris Rock Show,

he was cocky.

-I liked that.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I didn't think the audition
was going that well.

But then they asked me
if my name was Chris Rock.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-I said, "Yes, it is."

Chris blew away most
of the competition.

I mean nobody else out
there was named Chris Rock.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-I consider myself pretty lucky.

My parents almost named me Rico.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Early on, we were this close

to getting David Allan Greer.

One day I got a call from this
crazy motherfucker at HBO...

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-...about hosting a show.

He wanted me to change
my name to Chris Rock.

-I told him to kiss my ass.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)

When all was said and done,
picking a host

for The Chris Rock Show
was a no-brainer.

Get me Chris Rock
for crying out loud.

Well, I got the job.

And it just goes to show you,

with hard work,
and perseverance,

and if your name is Chris Rock,

you just might succeed.

♪ (“THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW”
THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

ANNOUNCER:
From New York city,

-it's The Chris Rock Show.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Tonight, Late Night host,
Conan O'Brien.

Musical guest, Wyclef Jean.

Plus, musical director,
Grandmaster Flash.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris Rock!

(AUDIENCE CONTINUES CHEERING,
CLAPPING)

Hello!

Yeah!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

How y'all doing?
All right, all right.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you.

Flash, Flash, you got the...

Flash, you got the orange
and gray thing going on there.

Yeah. Uptown. Uptown.

-Yeah, baby.
-MAN IN AUDIENCE: Uptown!

You can tell
he's from uptown, Flash.

Now, now.
What's going on right now?

Yesterday Al Sharpton...
You know I feel sorry for Al.

...was declared a loser in the
race for mayor of New York City.

Al Sharpton declared a loser

in the race for mayor
of New York City.

And Al Sharpton said, "Hey,
it ain't over till the fat man

eats a big old plate of greens."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)

Earlier this week, Rudy Giuliani

called Al Sharpton
unqualified to be mayor.

Unqualified to be mayor, right.

And Sharpton said, "Hey,
not only am I qualified

to be mayor of New York City,

but some day, I'm going to be
mayor of the whole world."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)

Now, you know, right now,
the police department

New York City Police Department,

said they're going to start
giving out

a thousand dollars.

1,000-dollar cash rewards

for officers
who do their jobs well.

-MAN IN AUDIENCE: Wow.
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

A thousand dollars
to do your job well.

Hey, they don't pay pilots

an extra 1,000 dollars just
because they land the plane.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

It didn't crash,
here's some money.

-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
-No.

They don't do that.

We're not dead, here's a check.
No, they don't do that.

What's the woman,
the Clinton woman?

Paula Jones is now saying,

that she wants a doctor
to snap photos

of President Clinton's dick.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)

She wants pictures
of his dick.

Now, let me get this straight.

If she was so traumatized
the first time

-she saw his dick...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

...what the fuck does she want
a picture of it for?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, CLAPPING)

Now, at the
University of California

there's a new class teaching
the poetry of Tupac Shakur.

A class. A Tupac class.

Ain't that cool?

Tupac class. You thought
he was playing hooky,

now, he's in class every day.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-You know what I mean?

And it's a tough class now,
'cause for the final exam,

you got to get shot.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)

(LAUGHS)

Hey, I'll take the incomplete.

A law professor in Texas
said Blacks and Hispanics

students cannot compete
with whites.

Now, Black students
are boycotting his class.

Now that's not a good idea

'cause now the professor
is going,

"See, I told you
them niggers don't like school."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)

Yesterday, yesterday,
O.J.'s lawyer, Johnnie Cochran,

my man Johnnie.

Johnnie is representing...

What's with the man,
plunger guy? Lamumba.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-What's his name?

Louima. Louima.

You know, you get a plunger,
you would think,

I would remember your name
after something like that.

Now Johnnie said, I already
have my closing statement ready.

His closing statement will be...

If the plunger's in his ass,
he's going to get a lot of cash.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)

Hey!
We got a great show tonight.

We got a very--
Oh, we got a great show tonight.

We got a very funny
talk show host.

My man,
Conan O'Brien's in the house.

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, CLAPPING)
-We've got...

We've got Wyclef Jean
in the house.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

And right now, I want you
to give it up

for Grandmaster Flash!

-(RECORD SCRATCHING)
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Hey! All right.

Now,

you know, I've been having
a real good year, man.

A lot of good things
have happened to me,

M.T.V. Awards, Rolling Stone,

a lot of cool things
have happened to me.

But one of the most exciting
things that's happened to me

this year is that I've been
able to fulfill

one of my life long dreams.
That's right.

This year I received
my honorary GED degree.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)

So, I would like to share
this experience with you.

Chris, it gives me
great pleasure

to present you
with this honorary GED degree.

Thank you, Dean Palmer.

Today I consider myself

the luckiest man
on the face of the earth.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-And I do mean lucky.

I mean I don't have to tell you
how hard it is to earn your GED.

Some of you gave up...

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-...the six hours of your life,

trying to pass
this multiple choice test.

And at times, I know you must
have second guessed yourselves

filling out "C", when the answer
could have so easily been "B."

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-You kids,

you're the best
and the brightest

our nation has to offer.

Your GED will open up
many doors,

the opportunities are limitless.

Some of you may go on,
to lay down tar

-on the Cross Bronx Expressway.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Others of you will scale fish,
some of you will pluck chickens,

some of you will be lookouts
for crack whores

on the streets of New York.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
-Good luck and God bless.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

My first guest
tonight is the host

of his own late night
television program.

Please give it up
for Conan O'Brien!

-♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, CLAPPING)

Conan!

Conan, you got everybody
talking about

Jay and Dave.

You've got the best show by far.

-Oh, that's nice of you to say.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, CLAPPING)

No, no!

-AUDIENCE: (IN UNISON) Yes!
-No.

You got the best show!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, CLAPPING)

Well, I do.

-(LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Come on!

They want to see us fight.

-They do.
-(LAUGHS)

You know, they try to get us
to fight all the time.

-Yeah.
-But the feud's over.

(LAUGHS)

The famous feud you
and I have always had.

The famous
Chris Rock-Conan O'Brien feud.

-Oh, we gotta end that.
-We're never gonna

-work together. Never again.
-(CONAN LAUGHS)

After that last movie.

I know, no one watched
that movie, Buddy Cops.

I'm the slob, he's neat.

No one saw it.

-No one cared, did they? No.
-No one cares.

He's from Harvard,
he's an ex-con.

-(LAUGHS)
-Can you guess which one?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)

That was the name of the movie,
"Can you guess which one?"

-Yeah. That title sucked. What?
-What are you, seven foot tall?

I'm a big freak
as you all know that see me.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-People are stunned.

Big freak like
Wilt Chamberlain's a freak?

No, not that way.
I don't get that kind of action.

-(LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But people don't know
that I do the show

and I sit there, and I go like,
"Our next guest is..."

And people think...

Do you go like that
all the time?

I go like... (BUMBLES)
...if you've seen the show.

And then people see me
in person--

Can you introduce
Ben Vereen right now?

That's right... Ben Vereen...
(BUMBLING)

-And so people see me in person.
-(CHRIS ROCK LAUGHING)

So, if the Pope came on,
how would you introduce him?

-(BUMBLING) The Pope.
-(LAUGHS)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)

I work for this man.

So in person, I'm six feet,
four inches tall.

I'm incredibly sexy.

-And I have a very...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Watch it.
I have a very pleasing odor.

-And...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

So it's funny, people have
no idea that I'm that tall.

-They have no clue.
-Now, well, you know...

Anybody over 6'3", if you're not
playing basketball,

people think you're wasting

-your time.
-CONAN O'BRIEN: Exactly.

I'm one of the guys who show
up on the basketball court,

and all my life as a kid,
people were like,

this guy's six feet,
four inches tall.

He's from Boston, you know,

he looks kinda like Larry Bird,
he's got to be amazing.

-All right.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And the problem is,
I lack one small thing

which is coordination.

And on the basketball court,
I'm like a guy on stilts.

I'm like, "Whoa..."

So, what I do is I act
really cool when I show up.

I don't touch the ball because
the minute I touch the ball...

-It's going to be like, "Uh!"
-(LAUGHS)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)

So I don't touch the ball.

-Stay away from the ball.
-Stay away from the ball.

I hang around and I stretch
and stuff like that.

And I lick my hands
and people are like,

-"That guy's good."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"That guy's good," so what
happens is I get them

-to fight over me.
-CHRIS: Right. Right.

And then they're like,
"No, we want him,

we want him, we want him."
Then they pick me and I'm like,

"All right, guys,
let's play a little hoops okay."

Then they throw me the ball
and I'm like... (GASPS)

And then I'm a horrible freak
the rest of the game.

And I don't even understand
the principle of the game,

if you're a tall guy,

you're suppose to stand
under to the basket.

Exactly, right.

And what I do is whenever
I get a pass from the basket,

I dribble way outside.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(CHRIS LAUGHING)

-I dribble way outside.
-Is that how you dribble?

Yeah, like this. And that's--

That might be one
of the problems.

-That would be a problem.
-I dribble way, way outside.

Not even past three points,
past five point,

I go out to, like,
nine-point range.

Then I get the ball and
everyone else on my team's like,

"No!" And I go, "Uh."

And it dribbles away at my feet
and then I start crying.

That's usually how it goes.

At least people look at you
and say, "Hey,

-you could play basketball."
-That's right.

You have a body.
I'm a little skinny guy.

-No, you're not.
-You should play kick the can.

-(LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)

-Well, you'll be though...
-You look skinny.

If you work at it,
when you get old,

you could kick some cans.

You'll get there.
You'll get there.

Now your show, you came out of,
pretty much out of nowhere.

Are people like
coming up to you?

You've got like old girlfriends
coming up to you,

even girls who paid you no mind,
coming up to you?

Yeah, what's strange is that

I'm much different
than I was in high school.

-When I was in high school...
-CHRIS: You're rich.

Yeah, I got money now.

-But not that much.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

When I was in high school,

I swear to god
I was this height,

very tall guy, I was 155 pounds.

-CHRIS: Wow.
-One woman just fainted.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-And I had bad skin.

And if my voice, my voice
is like Barry White now

compared to what
it was in high school.

-This is low...
-You're like Archie or some...

-It was a lot worse.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)

-(LAUGHS)
-No Archie.

I was like half Archie,
half Jughead.

I would have loved to be Archie.

-Arch-head?
-Ar-chet.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Yeah, a little known character.

And so,
what I would like to do...

I didn't have
girlfriends back then.

I think the thing to do is...

Now, I'm ready
to go back to high school.

I'd like to go back now
'cause it's like, when I watch

Beverly Hills 90210,

I look at those people
and I think

all the kids are in their
early thirties, all right?

They know how to dress.
They've got clean skin.

They have money. They know
how to talk to the ladies.

They drive around
in sports cars.

I would like to go back
to high school now.

And I think it'd be
a lot more fun.

I think you should
go back too.

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, CLAPPING)
-You know what's funny?

Every now and then I bump
into some girl and she goes,

"I used to have a crush on you."
It's like, no, you didn't.

-CONAN: Yeah. Yeah.
-(LAUGHS)

Don't lie.

You were fucking
the basketball player.

Yeah, yeah.

You had a crush on me.

-Yeah, right.
-Yeah.

Crush my heart.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, AWING)

-He's going to be all right.
-Oh, my God.

Conan, it's been great
having you here.

-Oh, thank you.
-Great to have you here.

I understand there's something
you want to do for...

-the crowd.
-Yeah, there kind of is.

I do my show on network.
I do it on NBC.

And you guys-- you have such
an amazing audience here.

-This show is... you do.
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

You just do.

I know.

I didn't say that
to get cheap applause.

Though, I'm really glad
it worked.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-But, you know, this is cable

and it's different
and I thought, you know,

such a different crowd
than what I'm used to.

Is it okay,
if I try some material

that I always wanted to do

that I never get to do
on my show?

-Okay if I do that?
-Yeah. Yeah, knock yourself out.

-Conan O'Brien.
-Thank you.

Thank you very much.

So, what's up, huh?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, CLAPPING)

Boy, I tell you that Wu-Tang
Clan is dope, aren't they?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, CLAPPING)

I gotta say, my favorite
is the old dirty bastard.

Isn't he?

I'm telling you, that ODB
has some brown teeth.

You know,
those teeth are so brown,

when he drinks water
it turns into iced tea.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)

Wanna talk about the...

I want to talk about women
for just a second.

I saw this girl at
a party last night,

and I'm telling ya, her weave
was looking real shabby.

I'm telling ya,

her weave was so bad,
it needed a perm.

I mean, she was one ugly bitch,
yeah.

I mean she was tore off,
this woman.

Now, she gave me
her number and told me

I should make a booty call.

And I'm thinking,

"Your ass belongs in a zoo.
I'm going to make a zooty call."

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, CLAPPING)
-Peace.

-Thank you.
-Thanks, man.

-♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Thanks a lot, man.

Conan O'Brien!

Give it up for Conan.

(AUDIENCE CONTINUES
CHEERING, CLAPPING)

Now, do you ever watch

those late night
television infomercials?

Well, last night I saw one
that I just loved so much

that I had to record it, so why
don't you just watch this?

Are you tired of working
for someone else?

-Living in your mama's house?
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Well, I sure as heck was,

but then I stumbled upon a way

of taking
a small amount of money

and turning it into millions
and millions of dollars.

And in just a few months,

I went from my mama's house
to the penthouse.

And you can too if you learn
my secret money making system.

-(BIRD SCREECHING)
-Lottery tickets.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
-Hey!

I used to be just like you.

Had to depend
on my personality to get women.

Well, look at me now!
That's right.

And listen to how the Malcolm
Monroe Money-Making System

can work for you.

I started with just
five tickets a day.

That's 35 tickets a week.

And in only two years
I won 20 dollars

on a single lottery ticket.

That was a 2,000 percent return
on my investment.

Thank you, Malcolm Monroe.

Keep in mind,
that when you use

the Malcolm Monroe
Money-Making System

and invest your money
in lottery tickets,

only two things can happen.

-You can either win or lose.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

That means your chances
of winning are 50 percent.

I dropped out of school
in the fourth grade.

I had no trouble learning
the Malcolm Monroe System.

It's almost as easy
as picking numbers at random.

You could use seven, eight, 24,

even some
really big numbers like,

ooh, 41.

But don't freak out
'cause Malcolm explains it all

in his money-making system.

If you put 50 dollars
in the bank

and come back two days later,

how much money
you got in the bank?

Fifty dollars, that's not right.

After using Malcolm's system
for just two weeks,

I won three million dollars
playing the lottery.

But hey,
I wasn't ready to retire.

So I figured why not put
my money to work for me.

And I did, reinvesting all
three million dollars

into lottery tickets.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)

When you use the Malcolm Monroe
Money-Making System,

I'll teach you everything
that you need to know.

Including the difference
between such confusing concepts

as "pick four" and "pick six."

Now listen to more
of my top people.

MAN 1: If I'd started using
Malcolm Monroe's system

five years ago,
I'd be a legionnaire by now.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)

WOMAN: I might not understand
the laws of probability,

but I do understand the laws
of being a billionaire.

Everybody kisses your ass.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)

MAN 2: Hey, motherfucker,
answer the goddamn phone.

Listen bitch, don't make me
come up there and beat your ass.

If you order my money making
system today,

You'll not only receive
the patented Malcolm Monroe

five-in-one scratcher,

five times a scratcher,
five times a winner,

but you'll also receive
my brand new tape,

Scratch-off Secrets.

In Scratch-off Secrets,
you'll learn every secret

I know about
the scratch-off lottery.

You'll learn secrets like,

scratching
all the boxes at once,

scratching off the boxes
one at a time,

scratching off
the boxes vertically,

scratching off
the boxes horizontally,

scratching off the boxes
corners first, then the insides.

scratching off the boxes
inside first, then the corners,

scratching off the boxes
willy-nilly,

scratching off every other box

then going back and scratching
the remaining boxes,

scratching off the boxes you
feel have the winning numbers,

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And there's so much more!

Remember, I went
from my mama's house

to the penthouse
and you can too.

In fact, if you buy
my money making system,

I'll give you an
unconditional guarantee.

It will make at least
one of us rich.

And that's my promise.

(GLASSES CLINK)

SPEAKER: May not actually
constitute a real promise.

Cheers.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CLAPPING)

Our next guest has everything
from raw hip-hop

to classical on his debut
solo album,

The Carnival,
it's my favorite album.

Here to perform
"Gone till November,"

is Wyclef Jean
and the Urban New Symphony.

Come on.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ Brooklyn ♪

♪ Jersey ♪

♪ Harlem ♪

Check the symphony.

♪ ("GONE TILL NOVEMBER"
BY WYCLEF JEAN PLAYING) ♪

♪ Every time I make a run ♪

♪ Girl you turn around and cry ♪

♪ I ask myself why
Oh, why ♪

♪ See, you must understand ♪

♪ I can't work
From nine to five ♪

♪ So I'll be gone
Till November ♪

♪ Tell me say Michelle
My belle ♪

♪ Yo, I be standing
On the block selling rock ♪

♪ Where the spot get hot
Guaranteed to get set up ♪

♪ By a crooked cop on Flatbush ♪

♪ Michelle, my dear ♪

♪ Me and John Forté
My man Pras Will ♪

♪ Guaranteed
To make another mil' ♪

♪ I got it made ♪

♪ Last word from the hustler ♪

♪ Hey yo, son
Take care of your mother ♪

♪ Looked at him and replied
Dad, where you going ♪

♪ He said to Baltimore
He'll be back in the morning ♪

♪ Gave my mom a hug
I felt her soul when she cried ♪

♪ Every man want heaven
No man want die ♪

♪ This is how we do it
The symphony crew ♪

♪ Representing a crew
That they call a fool ♪

♪ Every time I make a run ♪

♪ Girl, you turn around
And cry ♪

♪ I ask myself why
Oh, why ♪

♪ See, you must understand ♪

♪ I can't work a nine to five ♪

♪ So I'll be gone
Till November ♪

♪ Tell me say Michelle
My belle ♪

♪ I'll be gone till November ♪

♪ Standing on the block
Where the spot get hot ♪

♪ Guaranteed
To get set up, set up ♪

♪ By a crooked cop ♪

♪ Michelle, my dear ♪

♪ I know it's wrong
I wrote this rap song ♪

♪ Forgive me if I'm gone ♪

♪ Me and the refugees, yeah ♪

♪ I had to flick nothin'
And turn it in to somethin' ♪

♪ Hip-hop turns
To the future of rock ♪

♪ When I smash a pumpkin
Commit treason ♪

♪ Then I have the reason
To hunt you down ♪

♪ It's only right
It's rapping season ♪

♪ Yeah,
You with the loud voice ♪

♪ Posing like you top choice
Ya voice♪

♪ I'll make a hearse
Out of your Rolls Royce ♪

♪ Besides, I've got my girl
To remember ♪

♪ And I committed
That I'll be back in November ♪

♪ Come on
Every time I make a run ♪

♪ Girl, you turn around
And cry ♪

♪ I ask myself
Why, oh, why ♪

♪ See, you must understand ♪

♪ I can't work a nine to five ♪

♪ So I'll be gone
Till November ♪

♪ Tell me Michelle
My belle ♪

♪ Yo, I'll be gone
Till November ♪

♪ Standing on the block
Where the spot get hot ♪

♪ Guaranteed to get set up
Set up ♪

♪ By a crooked cop ♪

♪ Michelle, my dear ♪

♪ From Queens bridge
Back to Manhattan ♪

♪ Up in Shaolin
This is how we do ♪

♪ You check it out
On the Chris Rock Show ♪

♪ Check out the symphony ♪

♪ Check out the symphony ♪

♪ Check out the symphony ♪

♪ Jamaican, Haitians ♪

♪ Michelle, my dear ♪

♪ Yo, I'll be gone
Till November ♪

♪ Standing on the block
Where the spot get hot ♪

♪ Guaranteed to get set up
Set up ♪

♪ By a crooked cop ♪

♪ Michelle, my dear ♪

♪ Me, Pras, and John Forté ♪

♪ We guaranteed
To make another mil' ♪

♪ Before we die
'Cause life's a suicide ♪

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, CLAPPING)
-Yo, thanks a lot.

Yo, that's our show for tonight.

I'd like to thank my guests,
Conan O'Brien,

Wyclef Jean,
see you next week.

Yo, Flash, take us out,
and don't forget to watch

Bring the Pain
this Monday night.

Peace. Flash!

-♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, CLAPPING)

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