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1
00:00:03,640 --> 00:00:10,000
This programme contains adult humour
and very strong language.
2
00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:25,840
Shalam.
3
00:00:40,680 --> 00:00:42,960
That's a bit controversial,
isn't it?
4
00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:47,280
HE FARTS LOUDLY
5
00:00:49,560 --> 00:00:52,360
Holy (BLEEP) Circus.
6
00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:59,280
MUSIC: Theme from
Monty Python's Flying Circus:
"The Liberty Bell" by JP Sousa
7
00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:49,120
HEAVENLY CHOIR: ? Amen. ?
8
00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:51,240
I'll sit over here.
9
00:02:51,240 --> 00:02:53,640
Hello, Graham. Johnny.
10
00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:55,720
Barry.
11
00:02:57,600 --> 00:03:02,560
So what did you think?
Of the rough cut?
12
00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:05,000
Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.
13
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:07,720
Loved it. I think it might be the
best thing we've done. Oh, easily.
14
00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:11,520
By miles. Now I've spoken to Chris
who's head of North America
15
00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:14,880
and we'd like to open it first
in the States.
16
00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:20,520
Aw Terrific. Really terrific.
So what's the thinking?
17
00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:23,640
The First Amendment guarantees
the right to freedom of speech.
18
00:03:23,640 --> 00:03:28,600
Plus it's a melting pot, there's all
kinds of different religions
out there. And it's Hollywood.
19
00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:31,880
And Chris reckons you're ready
to play with the big boys now.
20
00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:33,400
Jolly good.
21
00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:35,160
I love Americans.
22
00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:39,680
Here in New York City Monty Python's
Life of Brian had its world premiere
23
00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:41,960
and Americans have come
from far and wide to see it.
24
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:44,760
Not to watch the film,
but to protest against it.
25
00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:46,760
I'm going to ask them why.
26
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:49,080
This film is disgusting.
Enough with the stereotypes.
27
00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:50,920
It's not funny. How is this funny?
28
00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:53,360
Life Of Brian is an evil film.
29
00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:56,040
And Monty Python is an evil man.
30
00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:58,200
I would like to say
it's morally repugnant.
31
00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:00,280
And also, kill the blacks.
32
00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:01,840
I agree with him.
33
00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:05,040
Except the bit about killing black
people. Obviously, that's not cool.
34
00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:09,920
That went well.
35
00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:13,760
I knew it. Americans. Total idiots.
36
00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:15,840
Waste of space. Wasn't all bad.
37
00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:18,280
I got this lovely jacket.
38
00:04:18,280 --> 00:04:22,480
Yes. Very nice. We won't have the
same problems here though, right?
39
00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:25,240
Protests? Here?
Oh, no, I wouldn't think so no.
40
00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:29,640
Because the Great British Public,
they aren't quick to judge
or completely close-minded?
41
00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:32,000
Oh, no, sorry.
They ARE quick to judge
42
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:36,040
and massively closed-minded. Not
the queers. Apart from the queers.
43
00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:41,800
Right, here are the press cuttings
and early box office breakdowns.
44
00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:44,320
Listen to this. This is from Variety.
45
00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:49,120
Rabbi Hecht says the film, quote,
'could result in violence'. Oh, yes.
46
00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:51,720
Copycat crucifixions.
I hadn't thought of that.
47
00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:54,400
That is a worry, isn't it? Cretin.
48
00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:59,120
I mean, they've been out of favour
for two thousand years but suddenly
all the kids will be doing it.
49
00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:01,880
"Hey, Johnny, want to come out
for a kick-about?"
50
00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:05,200
"No, no, no. Me and Gary thought
we'd nail his brother to a tree."
51
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:10,160
I think the Rabbi meant violent
protest. As in violence against us.
52
00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:11,800
Right. Well, that wasn't clear.
53
00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:13,480
It sort of was. Wasn't.
54
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:15,720
Was. Wasn't.
Really was. Really wasn't.
55
00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:19,920
He goes on to say the movie
was produced in Hell.
56
00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:21,720
Oh, I love that.
57
00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:30,760
Could we have a scene where we show
some Christians killing some babies?
58
00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:34,280
Oh, yeah, funny.
That is funny. I like that.
59
00:05:34,280 --> 00:05:37,600
Jesus having sex with Judas?
Good. Offensive. Put that in.
60
00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:40,080
Maybe a scene where Jesus is on
the cross and gets quite turned on
61
00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:42,720
and ejaculates over everyone?
62
00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:46,680
Oh, that is sick.
That's... you've gone way too far.
63
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:49,480
That crosses a fucking line.
64
00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:54,880
Oh, crap!
65
00:05:57,160 --> 00:06:00,000
So, while you're all
in the same room, gents,
66
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:05,760
I just need you to sign these
release forms for
distribution in France.
67
00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:08,200
Oh, so we're getting
released in France? Yeah.
68
00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:11,480
Have you seen French films?
It's all picnics and incest.
69
00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:13,200
You can't shock that lot.
70
00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:15,200
And what about here?
71
00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:17,160
There's no need to worry.
72
00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:19,560
Well, I wasn't going to worry
73
00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:22,840
but now you've said there's no need
to worry I'm thinking I might worry.
74
00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:25,400
You're not getting cold feet,
are you, Barry?
75
00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:27,080
No, course not.
76
00:06:27,080 --> 00:06:32,600
All I'm saying is,
you know, let's not project it
on to the side of Westminster Abbey
77
00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:35,320
or start selling Life of Brian
Christmas crackers.
78
00:06:36,840 --> 00:06:40,960
Have you seen Monty Python's
Life of Brian Christmas crackers?
79
00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:44,880
Knock knock. Who's there? No-one.
80
00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:48,560
We're all alone
in a godless universe.
81
00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:51,800
ALL LAUGH
82
00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:55,720
Monty Python's Life of Brian
Christmas crackers.
83
00:06:55,720 --> 00:06:59,800
Fun for all the family. As long
as you're not Christian, easily
offended or expecting good jokes.
84
00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:01,200
Hee-hee-hee-hee!
85
00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:33,800
So...
86
00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:37,080
it's all going OK here so far?
87
00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:39,720
Yes, there's been the odd article,
nothing too bad.
88
00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:41,240
Mind you, we haven't opened yet.
89
00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:45,680
If it wasn't going well,
90
00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:49,200
if things got bad...
91
00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:51,560
would you be OK?
92
00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:58,560
Even if all the religious leaders
in the world denounce you,
I'll be there for you. Thank you.
93
00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:03,920
Until we die. When I'll go to heaven
and you'll be in hell.
94
00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:07,360
That's nice. Oh, I'm joking!
95
00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:10,480
It's a joke.
It's not a very funny joke.
96
00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:12,360
Terry would have found it funny.
97
00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:16,280
Terry's got a terrific
sense of humour.
98
00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:27,200
Can I have a cuddle?
Oh, of course you can.
99
00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:33,080
Oh, God, gently love!
100
00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:35,840
Sorry... (HIGH-PITCHED) Sorry!
101
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:43,480
I just came from Wildlife...
Shall we begin?
102
00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:46,080
Right! Listen up. I'm in charge.
103
00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:50,360
This is the office for
Friday Night, Saturday Morning?
104
00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:53,280
Yes. Good. Well, listen up.
105
00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:55,840
I know you were all expecting
to be working with Trevor
106
00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:58,600
and I'm sure you were terribly
saddened by his sudden death
107
00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:01,480
but I'm in charge now
and he's history. Moving on.
108
00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:03,440
Point two. That was point one.
109
00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:05,720
Point two. I don't care what you
think you were doing before.
110
00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:08,760
You're not doing that now. You,
what did you think you were doing?
111
00:09:08,760 --> 00:09:11,240
A chat show? Wrong!
112
00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:12,960
Chat shows are bullshit.
113
00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:15,000
I don't want to make a chat show.
114
00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:19,680
People chatting? Uh-uh. Boring.
People talking? Now you're talking.
115
00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:24,200
I'm not sure I follow.
I want this show to be about
where Britain's at today.
116
00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:27,400
The Sixties were all free love,
anything goes.
117
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:31,400
The Seventies were
No Sex Please, We're British
and everything's a downer.
118
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:33,080
But we're about to
head in to a new decade.
119
00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:37,480
What will the Britain of the
future be like? Will it be prim?
120
00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:40,520
Or full of quim? Oh, dear God.
You, bring me a chair.
121
00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:46,800
So, how are you going to do all that
on what will essentially be something
quite like a chat show? OK.
122
00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:48,680
Random example.
123
00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:53,360
We have a homeless guy. What?
124
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:57,080
Hear me out, big man.
We have a homeless guy
on the same show as the Queen.
125
00:09:57,080 --> 00:10:02,720
Oh, right...Really?
No, it's just an example.
I'm showing you what's possible.
126
00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:06,560
I'm reaching into your tiny mind
and opening the doors of the TARDIS.
127
00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:10,600
It's a police box. Whoosh!
No it's not, it's Narnia. You!
128
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:14,560
I want you to build me a set
that looks like I've dropped acid
in Hawaii. Oh yeah.
129
00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:18,080
I'm out there. It'll be like
when Dylan went electric.
130
00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:21,080
That's what's happening, so
boo me, beardy, or get on board.
131
00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:26,080
Sorry, who are you?
Well, I'm Alan Dick.
132
00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:31,040
I'm the new BBC Head of Talk. So...
I'm confused. It's my first day.
133
00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:36,440
Do I answer to you, or do I work
for the producer, Iain Johnstone?
134
00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:41,080
You answer to me. Oh.
Oh. Brilliant. Isn't it?
135
00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:47,560
All these 'orrible bags...I dunno.
136
00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:00,800
Oh!
137
00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:03,160
This is a bit of script
from Life of Brian.
138
00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:05,680
This looks like
it might be quite offensive.
139
00:11:05,680 --> 00:11:10,800
I should pass this on to someone who
might find it even more offensive.
140
00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:23,480
All right, Desmond. The usual, is it?
Yes, please, Keith.
141
00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:25,520
And a pint of mild, thanks.
142
00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:27,960
ARSE, BALLS, PRICK, SHIT!
143
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,160
No problem.
144
00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:41,720
There's your pint of lager.
Keep the change. Cheers. Grand.
145
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:49,960
Sam tells me you've got news
on the Life of Brian.
146
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:52,560
Prepare to be blown away...
147
00:11:52,560 --> 00:11:54,640
I'M NOT QUEER!
148
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:02,280
Where did you get hold of this?
149
00:12:02,280 --> 00:12:05,840
A man found out it
out walking his dog.
You didn't steal it did you?
150
00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:08,280
No. A man really did find it while
out walking his dog. WANKER!
151
00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:10,960
Is it real? I DID IT WITH STENCILS!
152
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:15,400
I didn't.
I've got a friend who is a comedy
writer and a committed Christian.
153
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:20,080
Really? It's odd, isn't it?
Anyway I'll show him this and if
he can verify it's 100% genuine
154
00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:22,320
we can get the ball rolling. BALLS!
155
00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:25,200
Sorry.
156
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:30,160
Well, I suppose congratulations are
in order. Well done, Desmond.
Cheers.
157
00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:32,560
SCROTUMS! Cheers! BANJO FUCKER!
158
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:37,920
The bad language.
Is it, is it...are you...?
159
00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:39,520
The doctor suggested
seeing a therapist.
160
00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:41,120
A bit American, isn't it?
161
00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:45,040
YANK ME! It is a bit. Of course,
the irony is a few hundred years ago
162
00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:51,200
someone like me would probably
have someone like you burnt at the
stake for being possessed by demons.
163
00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:53,600
That's not very nice.
164
00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:54,840
BELL-END!
165
00:12:57,400 --> 00:12:59,200
What about this?
166
00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:00,800
We get Harold Wilson.
167
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:03,800
Harold Wilson
the former Prime Minister?
168
00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:06,960
OK. I can work with that.
Yeah. Harold Wilson.
169
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:10,520
And a bin man.
Ask them the same question -
170
00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:14,040
why is this country such a mess?
But the bin men are on strike?
171
00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:15,800
You're right.
172
00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:19,880
Shit idea. Fuck it, bin it... it's
gone, it's history. Moving on.
173
00:13:19,880 --> 00:13:22,240
You! Any ideas? Too slow. Forget it.
174
00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:25,160
Yes? I didn't say anything.
175
00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:31,160
What about Life of Brian?
176
00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:33,640
Did you see that news report
about the US opening? Ah, yes,
177
00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:35,520
now, good, because Iain suggested...
178
00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:39,840
OK, for the UK premiere
we get the Pythons versus...
179
00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:40,680
the Pope.
180
00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:43,000
The Pope? The actual Pope?
181
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:45,800
Try the Pope. Aim high.
Start there and work your way down.
182
00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:48,120
How about bishops?
183
00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:51,880
Bishops. Fantastic. I love bishops.
184
00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:54,520
I can just imagine it.
185
00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:58,880
What have the Christians
ever given us? Well...
186
00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:02,440
a moral code, charity, good works,
inspiration, counter-veiling,
187
00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:05,520
an oppositional force
against the evils of capitalism.
188
00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:09,000
Yeah, apart from that, what
have the Christians ever given us?
189
00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:10,720
Christian names? Very useful.
190
00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:13,080
Yeah, obviously Christian names.
191
00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:15,520
Apart from that, what have
the Christian ever given us?
192
00:14:17,040 --> 00:14:20,040
Hot cross buns?
Yes, I can see it now.
193
00:14:20,040 --> 00:14:22,000
It'll be like one of their sketches.
Hilarious.
194
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:24,880
Do you want it to be funny? Or do
you want it to be a proper debate?
195
00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:29,960
I want it to be a proper debate.
That is also funny. And moving.
196
00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:31,000
And edgy.
197
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:33,000
And I want it to win a BAFTA.
198
00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:38,840
I see. I'm serious. This could be
the greatest TV show ever made.
Who else have you got for that night?
199
00:14:38,840 --> 00:14:41,960
Paul Jones and Norris McWhirter.
Maybe not.
200
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:46,640
So who's heard about Sue Lawley?
201
00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:54,040
Now you've had a letter off the
BBC asking if you want go on
Friday Night, Saturday Morning
202
00:14:54,040 --> 00:15:00,280
to do a debate on Brian
with some religious types.
Is there any money in it? No. Oh.
203
00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:03,240
I don't want to do anything
for the BBC any more.
204
00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:08,520
I got so bored and fed up on
Flying Circus of them wanting us
to rework our scripts.
205
00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:11,320
Telling us we could only
have three shits or a bugger.
206
00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:13,000
Ridiculous rule.
207
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:14,720
Who came up with that, anyway?
208
00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:17,280
That was the BBC's
Head of Rude Words.
209
00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:19,240
Lovely chap.
210
00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:21,520
Used to get terribly
embarrassed though.
211
00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:26,440
So, this is the list of
words the sample group
said they found the most offensive.
212
00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:32,840
Cunt.
213
00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:34,560
So sorry.
214
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:40,640
Motherfucker. Is that two words?
215
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:43,400
I think it's just the one. Right.
216
00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:45,200
Then comes 'fuck'.
217
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:46,840
Good old fuck.
218
00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:48,920
Ahem. No? Sorry.
219
00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:51,800
Moving on. Cocksucker.
220
00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:55,040
Shit. We are now over the worst.
221
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:56,760
Bastard.
222
00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:58,600
Tits.
223
00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:03,280
Winky woo. Maybe you could
just give me the list? Good idea.
224
00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:06,360
I could have done that in the first
place. Saved this whole...
225
00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:08,240
scene.
226
00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:14,400
So do we have a decision on the
show? What do you think? Fine by me.
I'm happy to plug the film.
227
00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:17,360
No. Absolutely not. I forbid it.
228
00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:19,840
Why? Because. Because what?
229
00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:23,480
No. Do you
want to elaborate on that position?
230
00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:27,320
We don't need to explain ourselves.
It's all in the film.
231
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:29,280
I've got to tell them something,
I know you've got to do
232
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:32,040
your little vote thing
so shall we just skip to that?
233
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:37,320
All those in favour of boycotting
say, "Fuck Auntie Beeb!". F...
234
00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:41,760
Right.
235
00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:45,120
We're all on Mike's side, are we?
ALL: Yes. Why?
236
00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:48,440
Because he is
The Nicest Man In The World?
237
00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:50,440
Pretty much. Yup.
238
00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:54,920
Do you want to change your
mind, John? No. All right,
so you're not unanimous, are you?
239
00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:57,040
No.
240
00:16:57,040 --> 00:17:00,080
And we have to be unanimous.
Thus, I win.
241
00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:02,840
Does that make you happy, love? No.
242
00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:07,360
OK, I've had it verified.
243
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:11,680
It's as real as the Turin Shroud.
That is b-b-b-b...
244
00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:15,680
BOLLOCKS! Brilliant? Yes, I know!
245
00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:20,000
And if this is the route that
Python are taking, then who knows
246
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:22,760
what else could be in the film?
TITS!
247
00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:25,480
Probably. Now.
I've given it some thought.
248
00:17:25,480 --> 00:17:29,160
And what we don't want is
to give them free publicity
249
00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:32,920
or turn them into martyrs. So
I'm suggesting a back-door approach.
250
00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:35,320
GAYLORD! W-w-w-w-w...
251
00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:39,600
What's the plan? Well, we lobby
the BBFC and urge them
252
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:42,360
to think of the consequences of
allowing the film to be shown.
253
00:17:42,360 --> 00:17:45,840
Oh, you know w-w-what else
we could do?
254
00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:50,360
W-W-W-We could ask people to pray,
255
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:54,440
You know, just let God sort it out.
256
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:56,560
Yes. Could do.
257
00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:58,760
Let's not rely on that though.
258
00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:03,800
OK, everyone. Let's get out there
and spread the word. MARMITE!
259
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:15,760
They turn the crucifixion
into a song-and-dance number.
260
00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:19,120
They ridicule the Sermon on the
Mount. You see Jesus's willy.
261
00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:22,480
Apparently, if you watch
the film backwards it implies
262
00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:26,200
Jesus made the healthy sick
and went round blinding people.
263
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:29,560
I heard they burn a puppy in the
belly of a giant wicker kitten.
264
00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:31,640
Why? Exactly.
265
00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:33,200
That's fucked up.
266
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:53,440
But what if we have
over-stepped the mark? Hey, come on.
267
00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:58,080
We all knew Mary Whitehouse and
the Festival of Light weren't going
to like it. You worry too much.
268
00:18:58,080 --> 00:18:59,680
I can't help it. I do. Why is that?
269
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:03,280
Why do you worry about what other
people think? Gee, I don't know.
270
00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:05,520
Maybe it's because you're
the Nicest Man in the World.
271
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:07,520
That's ridiculous. Excuse me, miss.
272
00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:10,040
You dropped this. Thank you.
273
00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:12,640
John just likes saying that
as a dig.
274
00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:14,840
You see? What? Morning, Bill.
275
00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:18,080
Get yourself some lunch.
276
00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:20,880
You're constantly doing nice things.
I really don't think that's true.
277
00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:23,280
You're also self-deprecating
about it.
278
00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:24,960
I'm no more self-deprecating
than the next man.
279
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:27,800
You're even self-deprecating
about being self-deprecating.
280
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:29,400
Oh, great! What?
281
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:31,880
I've trodden in some dog poop.
282
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:36,600
Oh, Terry, I'm sorry,
that was probably my fault
for distracting you. Have a tissue.
283
00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:40,560
It hasn't even come out yet.
Sells papers.
284
00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:42,880
It's hardly fair reporting, is it?
285
00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:46,320
I'm not in the business of
fair reporting, I'm in the
business of selling papers.
286
00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:48,840
I notice you haven't
made fun of the Muslims.
287
00:19:48,840 --> 00:19:51,520
Why would we make fun
of the Muslims? Why not?
288
00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:53,160
Are you afraid of them?
289
00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:57,280
It's 1979. No-one in this
country knows anything about Islam.
290
00:19:57,280 --> 00:19:59,520
No-one's read the Koran.
Have you read the Koran? Yes.
291
00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:01,080
Have you? No. No.
292
00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:03,000
And do you know why?
293
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,880
Doesn't sell papers.
Because this is a Christian country
294
00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:09,520
with a Christian heritage.
And we are brought up
within a Christian framework.
295
00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:14,320
OK. Imagine it's the future and
there are two and a half million
Muslims living in Britain.
296
00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:15,880
Would you make a film
about them then?
297
00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:19,320
No! That would still only be
four percent of the population.
298
00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:23,640
Assuming, of course, the population
had risen to, let's say,
61½ million.
299
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:26,360
And I would still doubt, given
the general decline in standards
300
00:20:26,360 --> 00:20:29,520
of education that your average
Briton would have read the Koran.
301
00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:32,240
That's just a cop out. No it isn't.
302
00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:37,040
Christianity stands as a metaphor
for all organised religions
and the abuse they're open to.
303
00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:40,800
You're just scared of reprisals.
304
00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:43,720
Scared of reprisals? Scared of...
305
00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:57,080
Hello. John Cleese here.
Sorry to interrupt.
306
00:20:57,080 --> 00:21:00,720
Just wanted to point out that this
a fictional representation of me
307
00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:03,640
based loosely
on my Basil Fawlty persona.
308
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:06,760
Oh, please, Mr Fawlty!
309
00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:10,200
You breaking my head!
310
00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:13,160
In real life, I'm a lovely man.
311
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:15,360
Oh, a dolly,
thank you, that is so nice.
312
00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:19,200
So there you have it.
Just to reiterate, John Cleese...
313
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:22,280
in real life,
absolutely tremendous chap.
314
00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:23,800
Thanks for listening.
315
00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:25,320
KITTEN MEWS
316
00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:29,800
Yes, I'm very well.
Hang on a moment, please.
317
00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:33,720
Miiiichaaaael!
318
00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:39,360
Miiiichaaaael!
It's your mum for you.
319
00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:45,120
Hello, Mum!
320
00:21:45,120 --> 00:21:46,880
"Michael, have you seen the news?"
321
00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:50,480
"About all these protests?" Yes,
Mum. "I'm really worried, Michael.
322
00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:54,120
"I'm worried sick.
I can't tell you how worried I am.
323
00:21:54,120 --> 00:21:55,680
"It's so worrying."
324
00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:58,320
DOORBELL
"Oh, that's the door,
I've got to go."
325
00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:00,200
HANGS UP
Bye then, Mum.
326
00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:27,240
I want the Pythons! We've asked them
already and they said no.
327
00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:30,080
Oh, all right, so what?
We just give up?
328
00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:32,800
No. This is Friday Night,
Saturday Morning.
329
00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:36,680
I'm not here to make bland TV,
I want to make something memorable.
330
00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:41,720
I want people to come in to work
the next day and talk about the show
as they stand around the...
331
00:22:41,720 --> 00:22:43,640
water jug.
332
00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:48,440
I want a water jug moment.
I'm creating water jug television.
333
00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:53,280
What? What if people don't have a
water jug? And the next day
is a Saturday.
334
00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:58,000
Most people don't work Saturdays.
Shut up! I want the Pythons,
335
00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:00,800
so get me the bloody Pythons.
336
00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:02,360
Barbara Dixon is available.
337
00:23:02,360 --> 00:23:05,320
The Two Ronnies
don't need her this week.
338
00:23:05,320 --> 00:23:06,960
Good.
339
00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:11,960
Barbara Dixon is the closest thing
this country has to a true star.
And she's totty.
340
00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:14,320
Very classy totty.
341
00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:21,440
So Barry here has asked me
to outline a defence
if a religious group
342
00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:24,760
tries to get the film banned
for being blasphemous.
343
00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:27,600
But before I do that...
can I just say,
344
00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:30,240
Huge fan.
345
00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:39,720
Moving on,
the basis of the case we would make
in that eventuality is that
346
00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:46,720
Brian and Jesus
are two different people
347
00:23:46,720 --> 00:23:52,880
and that Jesus appears as
a separate character in the film.
348
00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:55,560
So that's a robust defence, is it?
349
00:23:55,560 --> 00:24:01,280
You're confident that will work? No.
It's a bit of a punt, to be honest,
350
00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:03,240
But let's hope it works!
351
00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:06,960
I don't want to be the man
who sent the Pythons to prison!
352
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:11,240
Right. Yes. And that's it, is it?
353
00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:13,400
Fingers crossed? Touch wood?
354
00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:16,520
Say a prayer? Afraid so.
355
00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:18,240
And I hate to say this...
356
00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:23,840
because I am a fan...but you did
sort of bring this on yourselves.
357
00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:31,040
I beg your pardon?
Well, the blasphemy laws remained
unused for about 60 years.
358
00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:36,440
But about two years ago
a poem was published in Gay News...
359
00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:42,720
which I believe Graham here
was instrumental in setting up.
360
00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:47,200
Well, I am gay. I like news. And
it's very good for film reviews.
361
00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:51,400
Fuck the film reviews,
what was the poem about?
362
00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:55,280
It was a poem about a Roman soldier
sticking things into Jesus's
363
00:24:55,280 --> 00:24:59,840
stigmata while he was on the cross
and becoming aroused by that. What?
364
00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:07,040
Who the fuck would write a poem
about a soldier sticking his knob
in a crucified man's spear wounds?
365
00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:09,960
I've had an idea for a poem.
Is it about wound fucking?
366
00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:15,200
Yeah. Sounds good. I'm writing a
novel about a dysfunctional family
in a Northern mining town. Really?
367
00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:20,880
No, I'm kidding. It's actually
about a really hot guy who likes
to jizz over guys in a burns unit.
368
00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:24,760
Oh, my God. That sounds amazing.
It's actually very moving.
369
00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:29,720
Mary Whitehouse
didn't like the poem. No shit.
370
00:25:29,720 --> 00:25:34,400
And the upshot was
she prosecuted Gay News.
371
00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:39,080
And that reactivated
the blasphemy laws.
And you lot knew about this?
372
00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:41,800
Oh, yes, they contributed to
the Gay News fighting fund -
373
00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:45,680
which is a principled stand
I really admired.
374
00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:47,800
Big fan of that.
375
00:25:47,800 --> 00:25:52,760
Although, wearing my QC's hat,
or wig,
376
00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:55,840
I would say it was unhelpful.
377
00:25:55,840 --> 00:26:00,240
Or, to put it in the words of my
nine-year-old grandson, 'Jo-ey!'.
378
00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:05,240
No.
379
00:26:05,240 --> 00:26:07,520
I thought that would be quite funny.
380
00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:10,000
Whoa, epic fail.
381
00:26:10,760 --> 00:26:13,240
Dear BBC,
382
00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:19,400
the Joey Deacon reference
in Holy Flying Circus
is inexcusable.
383
00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:23,640
The story is set in 1979
384
00:26:23,640 --> 00:26:28,840
and Mr Deacon did not appear on
Blue Peter until 1981
385
00:26:28,840 --> 00:26:34,040
therefore, a nine-year-old
would be unlikely to be aware
of his existence
386
00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:40,760
unless you're implying he was a
relative or neighbour WHICH I DOUBT.
387
00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:45,040
Also, the sub-Python
self-referential
388
00:26:45,040 --> 00:26:50,400
quasi-avant garde
posturing bullshit sucks arse.
389
00:26:50,400 --> 00:26:55,040
Big...hairy...nana...arse.
390
00:26:57,360 --> 00:26:59,000
Come in!
391
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:01,440
Yeah, I want a three-part series
about canals.
392
00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:06,320
a documentary about Scandinavian jazz
and some old footage of a barge.
393
00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:09,680
That's all we'll be showing
for the next six months.
394
00:27:12,680 --> 00:27:15,680
We've had a complaint.
395
00:27:15,960 --> 00:27:18,120
Oh...oh...
396
00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:24,280
Do you know what I like
about BBC Four?
397
00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:26,040
Nobody gives a fuck.
398
00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:29,320
D'you like to dance, Lowry?
399
00:27:29,320 --> 00:27:31,160
Dance for me, Lowry.
400
00:27:32,560 --> 00:27:35,520
HEAVY HIP-HOP
Come on!
401
00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:07,520
Hi, you're here about Life of Brian?
402
00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:11,960
Yes. Yes. Barry Atkins.
I'm representing the film.
Andrew Thorogood.
403
00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:14,200
I'm here protesting about the film.
404
00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:16,640
Oh. This is John.
Yes, I know who he is.
405
00:28:16,640 --> 00:28:18,360
I'm Michael. I know who you are.
406
00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:22,960
So. Should we duke it out
right here?
407
00:28:22,960 --> 00:28:27,840
I don't like conflict.
Just here to register our feelings.
408
00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:35,680
So, what's the damage, Jim?
We're giving it a double A.
409
00:28:35,680 --> 00:28:41,080
A double A?! On what grounds?
In what way is that film
suitable for a 14-year-old?
410
00:28:41,080 --> 00:28:44,160
There's no sex...
There are buttocks.
411
00:28:44,160 --> 00:28:47,400
There's no violence.
People are crucified.
412
00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:49,840
And there's no C word.
What about the B word?
413
00:28:49,840 --> 00:28:52,400
Bastard or bugger? Blasphemy.
414
00:28:52,400 --> 00:28:56,000
This could undermine
a 14-year-old's faith
in Christianity.
415
00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:59,840
In our view, it's just a bunch of
silly jokes. Very good ones, though.
416
00:28:59,840 --> 00:29:01,640
Thanks very much.
Good? Bloody brilliant.
417
00:29:01,640 --> 00:29:05,920
I see. In that case, I shall
have to take this up
with a higher authority.
418
00:29:05,920 --> 00:29:07,520
Who's that then, God?
419
00:29:07,520 --> 00:29:10,000
No. The council.
420
00:29:10,000 --> 00:29:14,000
Could you sign these for me?
Certainly. It would be a pleasure.
421
00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:16,400
What did he mean about the council?
422
00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:17,920
The BBFC is only advisory.
423
00:29:17,920 --> 00:29:20,840
Local councils can have the final
say over what films are shown.
424
00:29:20,840 --> 00:29:23,160
And they can reclassify films
if they don't like our rating.
425
00:29:23,160 --> 00:29:25,400
You're kidding? I kid you not.
426
00:29:31,840 --> 00:29:33,120
Right, OK.
427
00:29:33,120 --> 00:29:36,360
The BBFC have given it a double A.
428
00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:38,640
Oh, that is a sh-sh-sh...
429
00:29:38,640 --> 00:29:40,600
SHITBUCKET!
430
00:29:40,600 --> 00:29:43,800
Sh-Shame. So, what now?
431
00:29:43,800 --> 00:29:47,080
We write to local councils
asking them to ban Life of Brian.
432
00:29:47,080 --> 00:29:49,320
? DAN-DAN-DAAAN!
433
00:29:49,320 --> 00:29:58,560
Or reclassify it as an X. ECZEMA!
Maybe if the B-B-B-B-B-B-B...
434
00:29:58,560 --> 00:30:01,680
B-B-B-B-B...
435
00:30:01,680 --> 00:30:06,920
Maybe if they think it's OK,
m-m-maybe it is OK.
436
00:30:09,920 --> 00:30:13,280
They make fun of the Lord and
you think that's OK, do you, Gareth?
437
00:30:13,280 --> 00:30:16,520
N-n-n-n... Good. That's
the end of the discussion.
438
00:30:16,520 --> 00:30:17,320
Yes, b-b-b-b...
That's quite all right.
439
00:30:17,320 --> 00:30:20,040
No need to apologise.
440
00:30:23,600 --> 00:30:25,400
CUNT!
441
00:30:30,480 --> 00:30:33,240
Some councils are definitely
going to ask for an X certificate.
442
00:30:33,240 --> 00:30:38,600
So my question to you all is this -
are you happy to take
an X certificate
443
00:30:38,600 --> 00:30:42,800
and at least get the film seen
by some people? ALL: No.
444
00:30:42,800 --> 00:30:46,040
They show it with
the BBFC certificate
or they don't get to show it at all.
445
00:30:46,040 --> 00:30:47,600
We can't give in to censorship.
446
00:30:47,600 --> 00:30:52,240
So you'd rather censor yourselves?
Yes. It's half logical, half silly.
447
00:30:52,240 --> 00:30:56,160
Out of interest, how much revenue
will we lose? Fifty percent?
Maybe more.
448
00:30:56,160 --> 00:31:03,280
All those in favour of
refusing the X certificate say
Eric is a money-grabbing bastard.
449
00:31:03,280 --> 00:31:06,400
ALL: Eric is a money-grabbing
bastard.
450
00:31:06,400 --> 00:31:09,960
Eric is a money-grabbing bastard.
All right. I'll let Doug know.
451
00:31:09,960 --> 00:31:15,200
I know various churches are writing
to their members to ask them to put
pressure on councils for a boycott.
452
00:31:15,200 --> 00:31:19,960
Let's just hope our politicians to
do the right thing and don't act
out of cowardly self-interest.
453
00:31:40,280 --> 00:31:42,800
? Soldiers of Christ, arise
454
00:31:42,800 --> 00:31:43,720
FRONT BOTTOM!
455
00:31:43,720 --> 00:31:46,440
? And put your armour on
456
00:31:51,720 --> 00:31:53,960
? ..His eternal son
457
00:31:54,160 --> 00:31:57,720
? Strong in the Lord of hosts
458
00:31:57,720 --> 00:32:01,160
? And in his mighty power...
459
00:32:01,160 --> 00:32:02,440
P-P-P-Power...
460
00:32:02,440 --> 00:32:03,800
SINGING FIZZLES OUT
461
00:32:03,800 --> 00:32:05,560
Oh, shit.
462
00:32:05,640 --> 00:32:07,160
Hello.
463
00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:08,760
I thought you didn't like conflict.
464
00:32:08,760 --> 00:32:11,680
We are merely peacefully protesting.
465
00:32:11,680 --> 00:32:14,320
Exercising our right to free speech.
466
00:32:14,320 --> 00:32:18,320
Right. Thank you so much. Piss off.
467
00:32:28,080 --> 00:32:29,280
DOORBELL
468
00:32:30,840 --> 00:32:32,640
You expecting anyone?
469
00:32:33,960 --> 00:32:35,640
No.
470
00:32:39,120 --> 00:32:44,000
Hello. Can I talk to you
about Life of Brian?
471
00:32:44,000 --> 00:32:46,280
Yes, but can I talk to YOU
about Life of Brian?
472
00:32:46,280 --> 00:32:49,240
Great...What? No, never mind.
473
00:32:49,240 --> 00:32:53,640
We'd like you to sign our petition
to help get Life of Brian banned.
I don't think it should be banned.
474
00:32:53,640 --> 00:32:57,120
We believe it's evil and
should be banned. Would you
like to come in and discuss it?
475
00:32:57,120 --> 00:33:01,760
No! Nothing to discuss, it's
blasphemous and it should be banned.
Can you sign our petition?
476
00:33:01,760 --> 00:33:04,320
Can you explain to me
why it should be banned?
477
00:33:05,840 --> 00:33:07,840
Look, you're wasting my time.
478
00:33:07,840 --> 00:33:10,640
I have other people to talk to
who want to sign my petition.
479
00:33:10,640 --> 00:33:13,120
Don't you think
it's worth talking over?
Maybe you can persuade me to sign?
480
00:33:13,120 --> 00:33:15,240
Maybe I'll persuade you
why people shouldn't sign?
481
00:33:15,240 --> 00:33:17,720
Are you trying to brainwash me?
482
00:33:17,720 --> 00:33:19,280
No, I just want to have
a conversation with you.
483
00:33:19,280 --> 00:33:21,360
There's no conversation to be had.
484
00:33:21,360 --> 00:33:23,240
Do you want to sign my petition? No.
485
00:33:23,240 --> 00:33:27,360
Why not? I'm not convinced the
film should be banned. Why not?
486
00:33:27,360 --> 00:33:30,240
Did you write it? Er, yes.
487
00:33:30,240 --> 00:33:31,840
Oh, I see.
488
00:33:31,840 --> 00:33:33,480
You're one of them.
489
00:33:33,480 --> 00:33:37,640
It's not Invasion of the
Bodysnatchers. Deny it if you can -
you're one of them.
490
00:33:37,640 --> 00:33:41,160
Why would I deny it? I just told you.
You can't. You can't deny it.
491
00:33:41,160 --> 00:33:44,640
I don't want to deny it! You see!
I do see, because I told you.
492
00:33:44,640 --> 00:33:48,680
You're one of them.
God, are we still on this?
Yes, I am one of them.
493
00:33:51,000 --> 00:33:53,000
So will you sign
my petition or not?
494
00:33:53,000 --> 00:33:56,040
No. Why not? Oh...
495
00:33:58,240 --> 00:34:01,120
We want to have a debate
about the Life of Brian.
496
00:34:01,120 --> 00:34:04,160
Well, that sounds tremendous.
497
00:34:04,160 --> 00:34:08,440
And we wondered if you, the
People's Church of St Sophia,
would like to come on the show?
498
00:34:08,440 --> 00:34:11,120
Us?
499
00:34:11,120 --> 00:34:15,920
On the show?
I don't think that's a good idea.
500
00:34:15,920 --> 00:34:18,760
Why not? Well, I can't.
501
00:34:18,760 --> 00:34:21,800
I don't like conflict.
502
00:34:21,800 --> 00:34:23,480
What about you two?
503
00:34:23,480 --> 00:34:25,600
N-N-N-N-N-N...
504
00:34:25,600 --> 00:34:28,040
That's a no. Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y
505
00:34:28,040 --> 00:34:30,480
Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y...
506
00:34:30,480 --> 00:34:33,680
That's a yes. As in yes, it's a no.
He has a stammer.
507
00:34:33,680 --> 00:34:36,960
And you, Desmond?
Would you like to come on the show?
508
00:34:39,080 --> 00:34:41,400
Come on! Speak up!
509
00:34:41,400 --> 00:34:45,280
I had no idea he was going to say
that. Really, I had no idea.
510
00:34:45,280 --> 00:34:48,280
I've had that Friday Night,
Saturday Morning on the phone again.
511
00:34:48,280 --> 00:34:49,920
Want to know
if you've changed your minds.
512
00:34:49,920 --> 00:34:53,000
The exact words were
"being as it's all gone tits up".
513
00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:57,440
No, there's no point. Everyone's
mind up their minds already.
You can't persuade anyone.
514
00:34:57,440 --> 00:34:59,720
I think we should.
You said no before!
515
00:34:59,720 --> 00:35:01,480
No, I didn't. Yes, you did!
516
00:35:01,480 --> 00:35:04,520
No, I didn't. Well, you said yes.
517
00:35:04,520 --> 00:35:07,560
So, I've changed my mind.
Oh, so you're just being contrary.
518
00:35:07,560 --> 00:35:08,600
No, I'm not.
519
00:35:08,600 --> 00:35:11,040
I'm really not.
520
00:35:11,040 --> 00:35:12,560
I think we can persuade people.
521
00:35:12,560 --> 00:35:15,520
We are intelligent men.
522
00:35:15,520 --> 00:35:19,760
Well, you might struggle
with your flabby Oxford minds.
523
00:35:19,760 --> 00:35:23,760
No danger of that with our sharper
Cambridge intellects.
524
00:35:23,760 --> 00:35:28,920
And I, for one, think it's vital
we exercise our right to free speech
to defend free speech.
525
00:35:28,920 --> 00:35:30,680
No. Everyone's entrenched.
It's utterly futile.
526
00:35:35,920 --> 00:35:39,320
Fuck! We can't have spunked it.
527
00:35:39,680 --> 00:35:41,760
There must be something we can do.
Try their agent again.
528
00:35:41,760 --> 00:35:44,480
Not going to happen. All right.
529
00:35:44,480 --> 00:35:48,040
We ring Ken, get the Nine o'clock
News to pump up the story
even bigger
530
00:35:48,040 --> 00:35:50,880
so they have to defend themselves.
You can't do that.
531
00:35:50,880 --> 00:35:54,600
Or we send them death threats.
That's not very nice. Someone
will do it. I'm sure they will.
532
00:35:54,600 --> 00:36:00,720
All right we send them a shit in the
post. What? Something to rile
them... stir them into action.
533
00:36:00,720 --> 00:36:03,960
No, I don't want to do that. Shh.
No, Ian said... Shh.
534
00:36:03,960 --> 00:36:05,520
Don't tell me to... Shh.
535
00:36:06,800 --> 00:36:08,440
But I...
SHHH!
536
00:36:10,920 --> 00:36:13,000
And what did the police say?
537
00:36:13,000 --> 00:36:16,040
They said, "Can you think of anyone
who might want to send you faeces?"
538
00:36:16,040 --> 00:36:22,320
What did you say to that?
I said, "Yes. Jesus.
Anyone who likes Jesus.
539
00:36:22,320 --> 00:36:28,120
"Businessmen, philosophers, upper
class twits, Australians, women,
TV presenters, Alan Whicker,
540
00:36:28,120 --> 00:36:32,840
"The Beatles, Yorkshiremen,
anyone who works in the production
or marketing of Spam, men who say,
541
00:36:32,840 --> 00:36:37,240
"'Nudge nudge', knights who say
Ni!' and anyone who doesn't
like jokes about ocelots.
542
00:36:37,240 --> 00:36:41,480
"You know, Officer. The usual."
What did you actually say?
543
00:36:41,480 --> 00:36:45,840
I said, "Have you tried Derek
'So Mad He Shits In A Box' McNee
at Number 24?"
544
00:36:45,840 --> 00:36:48,480
What did you actually say?
I said no. Happy now?
545
00:36:48,480 --> 00:36:51,800
I said, "No, I do not know anyone
who hates me enough to send
me poo in the post,
546
00:36:51,800 --> 00:36:54,320
apart from the other Pythons.
What did they say?
547
00:36:54,320 --> 00:36:56,440
They said,
"Nothing we can do, I'm afraid,
548
00:36:56,440 --> 00:37:01,240
"unless someone threatens you or
attacks you." Oh, for fuck's sake!
And they can't trace it?
549
00:37:01,240 --> 00:37:03,240
No, to be fair to them it's
not like there was a trail of shit
550
00:37:03,240 --> 00:37:06,040
leading out the door to a man
trying to do up his trousers.
551
00:37:06,040 --> 00:37:07,920
And they can't do anything forensic?
552
00:37:07,920 --> 00:37:10,400
No, each shit is not unique.
They're not fingerprints.
553
00:37:10,400 --> 00:37:11,920
Some of them can be quite swirly.
554
00:37:11,920 --> 00:37:13,880
Yes,
555
00:37:14,120 --> 00:37:16,440
but we cannot identify people
from their shit.
556
00:37:16,440 --> 00:37:19,000
Shits do not look like their owners.
Which is lucky, because
557
00:37:19,000 --> 00:37:23,920
otherwise we'd have old ladies
standing round lavatories cooing,
"Ooh, it's the spit of you."
558
00:37:23,920 --> 00:37:27,320
Hello, Barry. Have you heard
about Eric's shit in a box?
559
00:37:27,320 --> 00:37:30,080
Oh, right, you've had one too?
Yeah, we've had some here.
560
00:37:30,080 --> 00:37:34,640
Now while I've got you all here,
I've been told in the light
of the current situation,
561
00:37:34,640 --> 00:37:37,280
I need to ask you all to make wills.
562
00:37:37,560 --> 00:37:42,000
It's just shit, Barry.
I think the worst that can
happen is we go blind, isn't it?
563
00:37:42,000 --> 00:37:46,320
Yeah, we've had death threats...
What? It's just jokes
for fuck's sake.
564
00:37:46,320 --> 00:37:49,640
What happened to sticks and
stones may break my bones
but names can never hurt me?
565
00:37:49,640 --> 00:37:51,760
I told you! What did I say!
566
00:37:51,760 --> 00:37:54,240
The great British Public
are fucking bastards.
567
00:37:54,240 --> 00:37:57,960
It's a bit apocalyptic, isn't it?
A third part of the sea became blood
568
00:37:57,960 --> 00:38:02,120
and people didst shit into a box
and threaten to kill thy comedy
performers for no good reason.
569
00:38:02,120 --> 00:38:04,520
Look, do you want to back down?
570
00:38:04,520 --> 00:38:08,800
We could withdraw the film like
Kubrick did with Clockwork Orange?
571
00:38:08,800 --> 00:38:10,520
All right, don't answer that now.
572
00:38:10,520 --> 00:38:16,840
Maybe just go away, have a think
about it, talk to your families.
573
00:38:17,120 --> 00:38:22,280
All those in favour of maintaining
our zero-tolerance stance to
censorship say Mrs Niggerbaiter.
574
00:38:22,280 --> 00:38:24,560
ALL: Mrs Niggerbaiter.
575
00:38:27,640 --> 00:38:29,480
You seem worried.
576
00:38:29,480 --> 00:38:34,160
How can you tell? Well, you're
pacing, which you don't normally do.
577
00:38:34,160 --> 00:38:37,120
And you're smoking,
which you don't normally do.
578
00:38:37,120 --> 00:38:39,000
Well, I admit I am worried.
579
00:38:39,000 --> 00:38:42,200
You can't take it personally.
How can I not take it personally?
580
00:38:42,200 --> 00:38:45,520
They're burning an effigy of me
in my own garden.
581
00:38:50,760 --> 00:38:52,600
They're just weird.
582
00:38:52,600 --> 00:38:55,200
Close the window, darling.
It smells of burning you.
583
00:38:55,200 --> 00:38:57,320
This is ridiculous.
How did this get so out of hand?
584
00:38:57,320 --> 00:39:01,240
I think it's because you made that
film making fun of their religion.
585
00:39:01,240 --> 00:39:05,000
Maybe I should go on Friday Night,
Saturday Morning? Would that help?
586
00:39:05,000 --> 00:39:07,080
Don't ask me, darling,
I'm just a pretty face.
587
00:39:07,080 --> 00:39:11,280
What if it just makes things worse?
Just fans the flames?
588
00:39:11,280 --> 00:39:14,680
Sorry! We set fire to your tree.
589
00:39:14,680 --> 00:39:17,000
Oh, for God's sake.
590
00:39:38,880 --> 00:39:41,440
Can I just say...
591
00:39:41,440 --> 00:39:46,200
it's been a tremendous honour
for me to help prepare your wills.
592
00:39:46,200 --> 00:39:50,720
As well as getting your signatures,
I was wondering if I could also
593
00:39:50,720 --> 00:39:52,920
get your autographs?
594
00:39:55,320 --> 00:39:57,840
Wrong time?
595
00:39:57,840 --> 00:40:00,720
Wrong time. Sorry.
596
00:40:06,600 --> 00:40:09,360
Terry says
you've had to make a will.
597
00:40:09,360 --> 00:40:12,200
It's just a precaution, Mum,
it's nothing to worry about.
598
00:40:12,200 --> 00:40:15,000
No. Why would I worry about my
son making fun of religion and
being murdered by a fanatic?
599
00:40:15,000 --> 00:40:19,520
No, I won't be losing any sleep
over that one. Perfectly normal.
600
00:40:19,520 --> 00:40:23,160
My friend Elaine...
her son's just been stabbed
for pulling a face at a Buddhist.
601
00:40:23,160 --> 00:40:25,400
Happens all the time.
602
00:40:25,400 --> 00:40:27,640
Honestly, mum. They've just
done it to cover themselves.
603
00:40:27,640 --> 00:40:31,440
Besides, if the protestors wanted to
kill anyone it would probably
be John. He's the annoying one.
604
00:40:31,440 --> 00:40:33,600
Did you make a proper will?
605
00:40:33,600 --> 00:40:36,360
Or have you promised to leave
all your money to a penguin?
606
00:40:36,360 --> 00:40:38,720
And a rickshaw to a Spaniard?
No, it's a proper will.
607
00:40:38,720 --> 00:40:40,720
So it is a proper will.
So I should be worried.
608
00:40:42,240 --> 00:40:43,760
What are you trying to do, Michael?
609
00:40:45,280 --> 00:40:47,520
Are you willy waving at Jesus?
610
00:40:47,520 --> 00:40:49,320
Sh! Mum, we're in a restaurant.
611
00:40:49,320 --> 00:40:51,720
Why make fun of religion?
We're not. And even if we were...
612
00:40:51,720 --> 00:40:53,600
is that so bad?
613
00:40:53,600 --> 00:40:58,160
Look how much you're upsetting
people. You might think they're
stupid people. Or priggish people.
614
00:40:58,160 --> 00:41:00,240
But they're real people.
615
00:41:00,240 --> 00:41:02,520
Why are their thoughts and
feelings less important than yours?
616
00:41:02,520 --> 00:41:05,280
Well, why are my feelings less
important than theirs?
617
00:41:05,280 --> 00:41:07,800
Oh...
SHE TUTS
618
00:41:09,160 --> 00:41:11,920
I just don't understand why
you're doing this, Michael.
619
00:41:11,920 --> 00:41:13,880
I want to understand.
620
00:41:15,560 --> 00:41:17,960
I just don't.
621
00:41:19,960 --> 00:41:23,200
MUSIC: "Death of a Clown"
by The Kinks
622
00:41:37,600 --> 00:41:41,200
I've changed my mind
about the debate.
623
00:41:41,200 --> 00:41:44,920
I think we should do it. Why?
624
00:41:44,920 --> 00:41:47,560
Because this is getting out of hand.
625
00:41:47,560 --> 00:41:52,120
We've got an orchestrated
campaign against us. We've been
banned by 39 local councils.
626
00:41:52,120 --> 00:41:55,920
We're only opening in one cinema.
People who work for us
are getting death threats
627
00:41:55,920 --> 00:42:01,680
and there are people outside right
now praying that we withdraw
the film and renounce our sins.
628
00:42:05,640 --> 00:42:09,200
Renounce your sins! Go away!
629
00:42:09,200 --> 00:42:11,160
You're sinister and intimidating!
630
00:42:11,160 --> 00:42:14,880
ALL: We are not sinister
or intimidating!
631
00:42:14,880 --> 00:42:18,520
We are merely following you
and watching you.
632
00:42:18,520 --> 00:42:21,800
Like the Lord is watching you.
633
00:42:21,800 --> 00:42:24,800
Always and forever.
634
00:42:24,800 --> 00:42:26,280
I'M SPARTACUS!
635
00:42:30,840 --> 00:42:32,280
WANKER!
636
00:42:33,520 --> 00:42:36,880
We've got to stick up for ourselves.
If we don't stand up for ourselves
637
00:42:36,880 --> 00:42:39,960
who's going to stand up for all the
other comedians who come after us?
638
00:42:39,960 --> 00:42:43,280
We need to take a stand to allow
funny men and women everywhere to
639
00:42:43,280 --> 00:42:49,920
make jokes about murder and rape and
projectile vomiting and handicapped
kiddies and Mohammed in a bear suit
640
00:42:49,920 --> 00:42:54,280
and I don't know, Olympic swimmers
with faces like spoons.
641
00:42:54,280 --> 00:42:56,960
Mike's got a point.
I agree. You should do it.
642
00:42:56,960 --> 00:42:59,880
No. No way. Not at all, I'm out.
643
00:42:59,880 --> 00:43:02,880
Please, John. I know you love
being contrary. No I don't.
644
00:43:02,880 --> 00:43:07,680
But on this, can't you see? It's
them we should be disagreeing with,
not each other.
645
00:43:07,680 --> 00:43:09,280
I think you should do it.
646
00:43:09,280 --> 00:43:11,480
You and John.
647
00:43:11,480 --> 00:43:13,280
And why us, pray tell?
648
00:43:13,280 --> 00:43:17,560
Because you're good
at shouting at people
and being enormously sarcastic.
649
00:43:17,560 --> 00:43:20,600
And Mike's the nicest man in the
world. You're the perfect team.
650
00:43:20,600 --> 00:43:25,040
I can't do it, because
Christians and homosexuals can't be
in the same room together.
651
00:43:25,040 --> 00:43:29,600
We're their natural predators.
Terry G can't do it
because he's American
652
00:43:29,600 --> 00:43:34,280
and I think deep down
none of us like or trust Americans.
No offence, Terry.
653
00:43:34,280 --> 00:43:38,720
Screw you, ass-monkey. Terry J
can't do it because he'll just
prattle on about the camera angles.
654
00:43:38,720 --> 00:43:41,440
And Eric won't do it because
they won't pay him. Exactly.
655
00:43:41,440 --> 00:43:45,200
So you two have to do it. All those
in favour say Christ on a gondola.
656
00:43:45,200 --> 00:43:47,320
ALL: Christ on a gondola.
657
00:43:47,480 --> 00:43:50,720
Come on, John.
You can shout at a man in a dress.
658
00:43:50,720 --> 00:43:53,080
It'll be like doing the show again.
659
00:43:53,080 --> 00:43:55,320
I thought you said
there was no point,
660
00:43:55,320 --> 00:43:57,720
that everyone
had made up their mind.
661
00:43:57,720 --> 00:44:02,680
I spoke to my mum. She said she
doesn't understand why we've done it.
662
00:44:02,680 --> 00:44:04,720
She wants to but she doesn't.
663
00:44:04,720 --> 00:44:06,720
I think maybe there are other
people like that out there.
664
00:44:06,720 --> 00:44:12,280
Is this about them, or about you and
your mum? Oh, please, John.
665
00:44:12,280 --> 00:44:13,920
I'm asking nicely.
666
00:44:13,920 --> 00:44:16,600
Well, you would, wouldn't you?
667
00:44:16,600 --> 00:44:21,760
Fine. Fine,
no don't do it, I'll do it myself.
668
00:44:28,680 --> 00:44:30,680
No, fine.
669
00:44:30,680 --> 00:44:34,040
I can't let you have all the fun.
670
00:44:35,040 --> 00:44:37,720
I'll do it.
671
00:44:37,720 --> 00:44:39,240
Christ on a gondola.
672
00:44:39,240 --> 00:44:40,320
Christ on a gondola.
673
00:44:55,080 --> 00:44:57,200
Oh, sorry love.
674
00:45:03,280 --> 00:45:05,760
Was Terry there tonight?
675
00:45:05,760 --> 00:45:07,840
Yes.
676
00:45:07,840 --> 00:45:09,800
I like Terry.
677
00:45:09,800 --> 00:45:11,920
He's my favourite.
678
00:45:14,240 --> 00:45:16,920
John's coming round tomorrow.
679
00:45:16,920 --> 00:45:19,440
Homework. For the debate.
680
00:45:19,440 --> 00:45:22,520
Are you sure it's a good
idea to do that show?
681
00:45:22,520 --> 00:45:24,440
Why?
682
00:45:24,440 --> 00:45:27,000
Well, what if the
debate doesn't go ok?
683
00:45:27,000 --> 00:45:29,440
What if it makes things worse?
684
00:45:29,440 --> 00:45:32,640
Then we'll move to Mexico
and change our names.
685
00:45:33,120 --> 00:45:37,760
I'll start a new life
as Miguel Palinez
and work as a guacamole inspector.
686
00:46:01,920 --> 00:46:04,040
HE VOMITS
687
00:46:12,200 --> 00:46:15,360
Don't expect me to go with you.
688
00:46:15,360 --> 00:46:19,680
Hey. I thought you said even if all
the religious leaders of the world
denounced me you'd stick by me.
689
00:46:19,680 --> 00:46:24,320
I just don't want to see you
murdered by some religious maniac.
690
00:46:29,800 --> 00:46:32,520
You put that away.
691
00:46:36,520 --> 00:46:41,200
What? We've got the Pythons! Cleese
and Palin confirmed this morning!
692
00:46:41,200 --> 00:46:44,880
YEEEEES! ONE-NIL! KEMPES!
693
00:46:44,880 --> 00:46:46,480
Bloody brilliant!
694
00:46:46,480 --> 00:46:48,520
Come here and give me a hug!
695
00:46:48,520 --> 00:46:51,960
I don't want to give you a hug,
Alan. Come on, give me a hug!
696
00:46:53,560 --> 00:46:55,360
So how did we do it?
697
00:46:55,360 --> 00:46:57,640
I asked Iain. He knows them.
698
00:46:57,640 --> 00:47:01,160
I told you that. Iain...? Iain.
699
00:47:01,160 --> 00:47:02,840
Iain Johnstone.
700
00:47:02,840 --> 00:47:04,360
Never heard of him.
701
00:47:04,360 --> 00:47:09,080
So,...who's heard about Frank Bough?
HE SNIGGERS
702
00:47:12,680 --> 00:47:15,880
You know, sometimes I truly
despise this country.
703
00:47:15,880 --> 00:47:18,920
The descent into yobbery
goes on unabated.
704
00:47:18,920 --> 00:47:21,320
Do you know I just saw two teenagers
spitting in the street?
705
00:47:21,320 --> 00:47:24,440
Do you think they know that's how TB
spreads? Of course they don't.
Do they care?
706
00:47:24,440 --> 00:47:26,400
No.
707
00:47:26,400 --> 00:47:30,640
I blame the Tories. Things would be
a lot different if the Lib Dems
were in power, that's for sure.
708
00:47:30,640 --> 00:47:33,680
The Lib Dems? There's no such thing
as the Lib Dems.
709
00:47:33,680 --> 00:47:35,560
Don't you mean the Liberals? Shh.
710
00:47:37,760 --> 00:47:40,560
So I've been doing
a spot of homework.
711
00:47:40,560 --> 00:47:42,120
Right. Crikey.
712
00:47:42,120 --> 00:47:45,880
Someone's taking it all
very seriously.
713
00:47:45,880 --> 00:47:48,680
Any idea who we're up against?
714
00:47:48,680 --> 00:47:50,360
Funny you should ask that.
715
00:47:50,360 --> 00:47:53,840
Not a clue. So who
are we gonna put 'em up against?
716
00:47:53,840 --> 00:47:58,000
Well, I still think we can
still get a couple of bishops.
Two bishops? No. Way too dry.
717
00:47:58,000 --> 00:48:02,200
About as dry as a dry roasted peanut
up a dead nun's noo-noo.
718
00:48:02,200 --> 00:48:04,520
No, we need a comedy type person on.
719
00:48:04,520 --> 00:48:06,920
You know there are comedy people
who are Christian. Really?
720
00:48:06,920 --> 00:48:10,200
I know. Weird, isn't it?
721
00:48:10,200 --> 00:48:12,400
What about Malcolm Muggeridge?
722
00:48:12,400 --> 00:48:16,760
Malcolm Muggeridge?
The hard-drinking, chain-smoking,
womanising Malcolm Muggeridge?
723
00:48:16,760 --> 00:48:22,360
Yeah. The hard-drinking,
chain-smoking, womanising,
BORN-AGAIN Malcolm Muggeridge.
724
00:48:26,640 --> 00:48:29,240
It says here he's famously contrary.
725
00:48:29,240 --> 00:48:32,840
His maxim is, 'only dead fish
swim with the stream'.
726
00:48:32,840 --> 00:48:36,320
Great. Whatever happens,
he'll be dynamite TV.
727
00:48:40,160 --> 00:48:43,240
Are you sure you want
this guy on the show?
728
00:48:43,240 --> 00:48:46,000
Yes. He'll bring gravitas.
729
00:48:49,640 --> 00:48:51,400
HE FARTS
730
00:48:51,400 --> 00:48:54,560
Look. He used to do comedy.
Now he does religion.
731
00:48:54,560 --> 00:48:58,120
And he likes to go on TV and say
shit he knows will wind people up.
732
00:48:58,120 --> 00:49:03,200
He could only be better if he had
tits like Cleo Rocos and did
the splits like Nadia Comaneci.
733
00:49:03,200 --> 00:49:06,160
But what if...
I'm ignoring that last bit...
734
00:49:06,160 --> 00:49:11,240
what if he ends up siding with
the Pythons? According to this he
was in a similar situation once.
735
00:49:11,240 --> 00:49:14,640
There was some big outcry
about an article he wrote.
736
00:49:16,320 --> 00:49:17,760
What the hell were you thinking?
737
00:49:17,760 --> 00:49:19,520
Have you read it?
I don't need to read it, Malcolm,
738
00:49:19,520 --> 00:49:22,480
it's called, "Does England
Really Need A Queen?"
739
00:49:22,480 --> 00:49:26,120
You might as well have called
it, "I Think It's Acceptable
To Masturbate Into Marmalade".
740
00:49:26,120 --> 00:49:29,000
What the bloody hell were you
thinking, man? Fuss over nothing.
741
00:49:29,000 --> 00:49:32,400
I said pretty much the same thing
in another piece about two years ago.
742
00:49:32,400 --> 00:49:34,560
That's as maybe but no-one
complained about that one.
743
00:49:34,560 --> 00:49:38,200
They are complaining about this one
because they find it offensive,
and quite rightly so.
744
00:49:38,200 --> 00:49:41,400
How can it possibly be offensive?
It's only a thought.
745
00:49:41,400 --> 00:49:45,440
I hear Beaverbrook's cancelling
your contract. Apparently.
746
00:49:45,440 --> 00:49:48,240
I'm sorry to hear that, Malcolm,
but you've brought this on yourself.
747
00:49:48,240 --> 00:49:52,160
We have to let you go.
It's the BBC, for God's sake,
we've got certain standards.
748
00:49:52,160 --> 00:49:55,040
No hard feelings? Towards you?
749
00:49:55,040 --> 00:49:56,640
Not at all.
750
00:49:56,640 --> 00:49:58,160
Good. Come on.
751
00:50:02,160 --> 00:50:05,520
I've shagged his wife.
Who? Marjorie?
752
00:50:05,520 --> 00:50:07,880
No, Olivia.
753
00:50:07,880 --> 00:50:09,640
That's MY wife.
754
00:50:09,640 --> 00:50:12,360
Oh, then I've shagged YOUR wife.
755
00:50:12,360 --> 00:50:15,520
Sorry about that.
Lovely woman though.
756
00:50:15,520 --> 00:50:18,680
Makes a wonderful breakfast.
757
00:50:18,680 --> 00:50:20,680
Maybe he'll side with the Pythons.
758
00:50:20,680 --> 00:50:22,920
Maybe not. That's the beauty of it.
759
00:50:22,920 --> 00:50:24,880
The guy's totally unpredictable.
760
00:50:24,880 --> 00:50:29,320
He's a riddle wrapped in
a mystery inside a...shit.
761
00:50:29,320 --> 00:50:35,160
Maybe he'll argue with the Pythons
AND the Bishop and we've got a
three-way fist fight. Love it.
762
00:50:35,160 --> 00:50:37,640
Post me my Bafta.
763
00:50:39,600 --> 00:50:42,040
OK. I'm the bishop.
764
00:50:42,040 --> 00:50:47,200
Right. Why have you deliberately
set out to offend people of faith?
765
00:50:47,200 --> 00:50:53,280
Well, Bishop, it wasn't our
intention to deliberately offend
Christians or to be blasphemous.
766
00:50:53,280 --> 00:50:57,160
I totally disagree with that.
Sorry, is this you in character
or are you talking as you?
767
00:50:57,160 --> 00:50:58,720
I'm talking as me.
768
00:50:58,720 --> 00:51:01,360
Talk to Graham about it.
Ask him what he thinks.
769
00:51:01,360 --> 00:51:05,600
He's not that keen on Christians
because they're not that keen
on homosexuals.
770
00:51:05,600 --> 00:51:08,080
I don't think we intended to be
offensive just for the sake of it.
771
00:51:08,080 --> 00:51:10,600
There's nothing wrong
with being offensive.
772
00:51:10,600 --> 00:51:12,400
It's part of life.
773
00:51:12,400 --> 00:51:14,640
If you get offended, so what?
774
00:51:14,640 --> 00:51:16,560
In a way, it's a good thing.
775
00:51:16,560 --> 00:51:19,800
It tells you
you're still alive at least.
776
00:51:19,800 --> 00:51:23,360
Why can't I say things
to offend you?
777
00:51:23,360 --> 00:51:26,000
Why can't I say
I don't like your hair?
778
00:51:26,000 --> 00:51:30,400
Or your wife looks like a man
and makes fucking awful soup.
What's the worst that can happen?
779
00:51:30,400 --> 00:51:33,040
Hello, John. Oh, hello.
780
00:51:33,040 --> 00:51:34,960
Didn't realise you were...
Cup of tea?
781
00:51:34,960 --> 00:51:38,600
I can put the kettle on, although
I don't think it'll suit me.
782
00:51:38,600 --> 00:51:43,200
Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
783
00:51:43,200 --> 00:51:47,360
Very good! Very good. Well done.
784
00:51:47,360 --> 00:51:50,440
Most amusing. Tres amusant.
785
00:51:50,440 --> 00:51:53,480
No, we're fine, thank you,
most kind of you to ask.
786
00:51:53,480 --> 00:51:55,720
We're-We're-We're-We're fine.
787
00:51:55,720 --> 00:52:00,360
Sure I can't I get you anything?
Glass of cordial? Spot of soup?
788
00:52:01,880 --> 00:52:04,200
No, we're fine, thank you.
789
00:52:04,200 --> 00:52:06,840
Although your soup
is always delightful.
790
00:52:16,880 --> 00:52:18,520
Right. Where was I?
791
00:52:18,520 --> 00:52:22,800
Being offensive. Being offensive,
thank you. What is the worst
that could happen?
792
00:52:22,800 --> 00:52:25,280
You'll stop talking to me?
Heaven forfend!
793
00:52:25,280 --> 00:52:27,560
What will probably happen?
794
00:52:27,560 --> 00:52:30,400
You'll be upset for a bit
and then forget about it.
795
00:52:30,400 --> 00:52:32,320
What's the best that can happen?
796
00:52:32,320 --> 00:52:34,320
Maybe you'll think
"John's got a point.
797
00:52:34,320 --> 00:52:36,800
"My wife does look like a man
798
00:52:36,800 --> 00:52:40,280
"and her soup does taste fucking
awful. Maybe I should leave her."
799
00:52:40,280 --> 00:52:43,360
I've been able to keep
my marriage together thanks.
800
00:52:43,360 --> 00:52:45,760
That's the spirit!
801
00:52:45,760 --> 00:52:48,640
Besides, we haven't
been offensive, Mike.
802
00:52:48,640 --> 00:52:50,760
People just like complaining.
803
00:52:50,760 --> 00:52:52,760
The British love complaining.
804
00:52:52,760 --> 00:52:56,080
Complaining about the weather,
complaining about the government,
805
00:52:56,080 --> 00:52:59,160
the fucking darkies, the fucking
queers, Noel fucking Edmonds
806
00:52:59,160 --> 00:53:00,840
and his Multi-Cunting Swap Shop.
807
00:53:00,840 --> 00:53:04,760
When it comes to the British
you can't please any of the people
808
00:53:04,760 --> 00:53:07,760
any of the time, and you know why
they like complaining so much?
809
00:53:07,760 --> 00:53:11,560
Maybe because deep down they know
there is no fucking God and it takes
810
00:53:11,560 --> 00:53:17,200
their mind off the fact that their
lives are a pathetic sham that won't
amount to a hill of shitty beans.
811
00:53:18,880 --> 00:53:21,320
Are you going to be like this
on the TV?
812
00:53:21,320 --> 00:53:23,960
Yes, I am.
813
00:53:27,240 --> 00:53:29,400
So what about our bishop?
814
00:53:29,400 --> 00:53:32,800
He can't be too serious
but he can't be too flippant.
815
00:53:32,800 --> 00:53:36,000
How will we find the best bishop?
816
00:53:51,080 --> 00:53:52,920
Hmm, no.
817
00:53:53,280 --> 00:53:54,720
No.
818
00:53:54,720 --> 00:53:55,800
No.
819
00:53:55,800 --> 00:53:57,160
Ooh, no.
820
00:53:58,280 --> 00:54:00,760
Him. He's perfect.
821
00:54:00,760 --> 00:54:05,440
Are you sure? Oh, yes.
He's absolutely mad.
822
00:54:07,200 --> 00:54:11,080
You know what? We should just go
on this show and make fun of God.
823
00:54:11,080 --> 00:54:13,560
Yes, that would be helpful.
824
00:54:13,560 --> 00:54:18,200
What if the Christians
just attack us?
It's a rational argument.
825
00:54:18,200 --> 00:54:19,960
It's a debate.
826
00:54:19,960 --> 00:54:21,640
I think we go on the attack.
827
00:54:21,640 --> 00:54:26,320
"Bishop. You work for an
organisation that is closely
associated with kiddie fiddling.
828
00:54:26,320 --> 00:54:30,320
"Where do you stand on
the issue of child rape?
Good Christian behaviour?"
829
00:54:30,320 --> 00:54:33,080
Yes, that's helpful, John, thanks.
830
00:54:33,080 --> 00:54:34,680
Well, let's not take it
too seriously.
831
00:54:34,680 --> 00:54:36,480
We could go on in fancy dress.
832
00:54:36,480 --> 00:54:38,640
I could go on dressed as Christ.
You can go on dressed as Satan.
833
00:54:38,640 --> 00:54:40,920
We both go on dressed as Mary.
834
00:54:40,920 --> 00:54:43,040
Or babies wearing nappies.
Or apostles wearing nappies.
835
00:54:43,040 --> 00:54:46,240
And bondage gear. You've got
to take this seriously, John.
836
00:54:46,240 --> 00:54:49,120
There are people working for us
who have had death threats.
837
00:54:49,120 --> 00:54:51,560
They're not important.
They're the little people.
838
00:54:51,560 --> 00:54:53,280
They're expendable. What?
839
00:54:53,280 --> 00:54:55,400
I'm joking.
840
00:54:55,400 --> 00:54:57,400
It's not very funny.
841
00:54:57,400 --> 00:55:01,920
I think it is. I don't think it is.
You've gone too far. No I haven't.
842
00:55:01,920 --> 00:55:04,440
And even if I had,
you could pretend I hadn't.
843
00:55:04,440 --> 00:55:06,000
You can ignore me.
844
00:55:06,000 --> 00:55:07,840
Or you could stop being my friend.
845
00:55:07,840 --> 00:55:09,680
God, you're difficult. No, I'm not.
846
00:55:09,680 --> 00:55:13,160
Yes, you are. Right. That's it.
847
00:55:13,160 --> 00:55:16,200
Enough is enough.
848
00:55:16,200 --> 00:55:18,840
It doesn't have to be like this.
849
00:55:39,200 --> 00:55:42,360
I look inside you, Palin,
and all I see is weakness.
850
00:55:42,360 --> 00:55:44,760
I look inside you and see hatred.
851
00:55:44,760 --> 00:55:48,040
Give in to hatred.
Hating things is funny.
852
00:55:48,040 --> 00:55:51,400
No, never. I'd rather be nice.
853
00:55:51,400 --> 00:55:53,760
Sorry. No offence.
854
00:55:55,680 --> 00:55:59,080
Stop being nice, you soppy bastard.
855
00:55:59,080 --> 00:56:02,600
That's it, run away, run away from
the fight, you big chicken.
856
00:56:06,040 --> 00:56:09,120
You all right, John?
Hang on, I'm coming. Got you!
857
00:56:14,280 --> 00:56:17,840
Bloody BBC, they should
have had stunt men for this.
858
00:56:20,120 --> 00:56:22,960
Who won? No idea.
You should have storyboarded it.
859
00:56:22,960 --> 00:56:25,640
I did do a storyboard it but I left
it by the window and it blew away.
860
00:56:25,640 --> 00:56:29,920
Well, maybe shut the fucking window.
I know but it adds an interesting
visual texture to the room...
861
00:56:29,920 --> 00:56:32,320
I'll just see you at TV Centre
tomorrow, shall I?
862
00:56:32,320 --> 00:56:34,360
John, what are you going to say
on the show?
863
00:56:34,360 --> 00:56:40,200
I'm going to talk about how
Fawlty Towers is much funnier than
Ripping Yarns. Seriously, John.
864
00:56:40,200 --> 00:56:43,480
I'm going to be as offensive as
possible. This is important, John.
865
00:56:43,480 --> 00:56:45,800
This isn't just the future
of comedy we're arguing for,
866
00:56:45,800 --> 00:56:47,360
this is free speech.
867
00:56:47,360 --> 00:56:49,120
I believe in free speech, Mike.
868
00:56:49,120 --> 00:56:51,440
That's why I can't
let you censor me.
869
00:56:51,440 --> 00:56:55,480
That's why I'm going to say
whatever the fuck I like.
870
00:56:56,600 --> 00:57:00,720
Arse...Balls...Prick...
871
00:57:00,720 --> 00:57:02,240
..Shit.
872
00:57:04,400 --> 00:57:07,200
Thank you and good night.
873
00:57:07,200 --> 00:57:12,080
? Balls and bugger and shits and
tits and a whole lot of fanny... ?
874
00:57:27,480 --> 00:57:30,320
How did it go with John today?
875
00:57:30,320 --> 00:57:33,720
He thinks I'm taking it
all too seriously.
876
00:57:33,720 --> 00:57:36,560
And are you? I don't know.
877
00:57:36,560 --> 00:57:39,800
What's more important
than making fun of things?
878
00:57:39,800 --> 00:57:42,360
If we're not allowed to make fun
of things that take themselves
879
00:57:42,360 --> 00:57:46,120
too seriously, how do we
stop them from taking over the world?
880
00:57:46,120 --> 00:57:48,760
What happens if the comedians
take themselves too seriously?
881
00:57:48,760 --> 00:57:51,080
Comedians are allowed to
take themselves too seriously
882
00:57:51,080 --> 00:57:53,920
because they're special
and better than everyone else.
883
00:57:53,920 --> 00:57:56,200
Oh, really? Yes.
884
00:57:57,720 --> 00:57:59,920
I can't think straight any more.
885
00:57:59,920 --> 00:58:03,040
Come to bed.
You've done too much homework.
886
00:58:03,040 --> 00:58:06,080
If you don't know why
comedians are better than
God now, you'll never know.
887
00:58:07,600 --> 00:58:10,720
I should probably do
a bit more prep, love.
888
00:58:22,480 --> 00:58:24,680
Fancy a bunk-up?
889
00:58:27,160 --> 00:58:29,520
Yeah, go on then.
890
00:58:36,480 --> 00:58:41,720
Do you ever think
that we're persecuting the Pythons?
891
00:58:42,680 --> 00:58:46,520
No. They're persecuting us.
892
00:58:46,520 --> 00:58:49,320
Thousands of films get made
every year.
893
00:58:49,320 --> 00:58:54,040
So one happens to be a comedy
about religion.
Is that them focusing on us?
894
00:58:54,040 --> 00:58:57,720
Or are we focusing on them?
895
00:58:57,720 --> 00:58:59,000
WEIRDO!
896
00:58:59,000 --> 00:59:02,040
Are you having a moment of doubt,
Doubting Desmond?
897
00:59:02,040 --> 00:59:05,720
PATRONISING TIT! No. No.
898
00:59:05,720 --> 00:59:09,080
Just, you know,
playing devil's advocate. PISS OFF!
899
00:59:13,680 --> 00:59:15,560
Desmond, swearing...
900
00:59:15,560 --> 00:59:18,240
Yes, yes. I am aware of it.
901
00:59:18,240 --> 00:59:23,520
It's never deliberate, is it?
No. No. LIAR! No.
902
00:59:25,200 --> 00:59:27,680
Good. Good.
903
00:59:31,760 --> 00:59:34,040
Oh, not again.
904
00:59:41,360 --> 00:59:43,480
WHIRRING
905
01:00:07,520 --> 01:00:12,840
You're not the nicest man in the
world, you're a very naughty boy.
906
01:00:15,560 --> 01:00:19,840
AGH! Run for it! I'm running for it!
907
01:00:25,160 --> 01:00:27,720
Oh, hello. You're awake. Um...
908
01:00:27,720 --> 01:00:31,880
This is awkward. The thing is,
I really don't like conflict.
909
01:00:31,880 --> 01:00:37,560
but you made fun of my
all-loving, all-forgiving God,
so I'm going to kill you.
910
01:00:38,240 --> 01:00:39,640
Tent peg.
911
01:01:03,320 --> 01:01:05,320
You're still dreaming.
912
01:01:21,720 --> 01:01:25,840
And then Jesus popped up on a
piece of toast. And there was John...
913
01:01:25,840 --> 01:01:28,600
dressed in a giant rabbit costume
saying, "You're still dreaming."
914
01:01:28,600 --> 01:01:32,360
What does that mean? We've always
been quite close, haven't we? Yes.
915
01:01:32,360 --> 01:01:36,160
Well, until this is all over,
just stay away from me.
916
01:01:37,680 --> 01:01:39,240
I'm still dreaming, aren't I?
917
01:01:39,240 --> 01:01:44,120
Yeah, you are. Please stop staring
at my penis. It's disturbing.
918
01:01:48,280 --> 01:01:51,400
Probably shouldn't
have had that cheese.
919
01:01:54,400 --> 01:01:59,200
Tonight on Friday Night,
Saturday Morning, Michael Palin
and John Cleese will
920
01:01:59,200 --> 01:02:01,920
debate the film The Life of Brian
with...
921
01:02:01,920 --> 01:02:05,400
You'll be all right. You're
quite good at public speaking.
922
01:02:05,400 --> 01:02:09,480
Cup of tea. "We interrupt our
current programming...
923
01:02:09,480 --> 01:02:12,520
I have faith in you.
Thanks, love.
924
01:02:12,520 --> 01:02:17,240
"The film The Life of
Brian has just opened in London.
925
01:02:17,240 --> 01:02:21,800
"I have not seen it and
I suppose I am unlikely to do so.
926
01:02:21,800 --> 01:02:25,920
"However, members will have seen
the reviews and will be aware that
927
01:02:25,920 --> 01:02:29,640
"there is a great deal of concern
throughout the country about it.
928
01:02:29,640 --> 01:02:34,120
"For the immediate future
it will be up to Christian people
929
01:02:34,120 --> 01:02:39,240
"and others who share this concern
to ensure that in this case
as in other cases
930
01:02:39,240 --> 01:02:44,640
"where it seems that
a film has been made which
devalues humanity in their own areas
931
01:02:44,640 --> 01:02:51,000
"the local viewing committee is
alerted to the need to see the film
before it is publicly shown and
932
01:02:51,000 --> 01:02:58,880
"having done so, to take responsible
decisions as to whether and on what
conditions it should be shown.
933
01:03:19,560 --> 01:03:21,560
"Be sober, be vigilant..."
934
01:03:21,560 --> 01:03:30,000
because thy adversary the devil,
as a roaring lion, walketh about
seeking whom he may devour.
935
01:03:30,000 --> 01:03:33,320
Very definitely at the beginning.
936
01:03:33,320 --> 01:03:35,880
Three Wise Men arrive and...
937
01:03:39,920 --> 01:03:42,720
I can rely on you, can't I, John?
938
01:03:45,760 --> 01:03:47,320
John!
939
01:03:47,320 --> 01:03:51,120
Sorry, miles away. Wondering
what to have for dinner.
940
01:03:51,120 --> 01:03:53,520
What do you think? Fish?
941
01:03:53,520 --> 01:03:55,560
God, you're a difficult bastard.
942
01:03:55,560 --> 01:03:58,200
Mike, don't say that.
Doesn't suit you.
943
01:03:58,200 --> 01:04:00,160
You're the Nicest Man in the World.
944
01:04:00,160 --> 01:04:02,720
And you're the most disrespectful,
disagreeable, objectionable,
945
01:04:02,720 --> 01:04:05,400
obnoxious and annoying man
in the world. That's right.
946
01:04:05,400 --> 01:04:07,280
I fought very hard for that title.
947
01:04:07,280 --> 01:04:09,280
Wasn't easy to wrest it away
from Michael Winner.
948
01:04:09,280 --> 01:04:11,720
John, this is important.
949
01:04:11,720 --> 01:04:15,000
Don't put so much pressure on
yourself. It's only a chat show.
950
01:04:15,000 --> 01:04:17,000
It's not though, is it?
This is about the future of comedy.
951
01:04:17,000 --> 01:04:18,800
It might even be about
the future of religion.
952
01:04:18,800 --> 01:04:21,480
Well, I wish I believed we were
that important but I don't.
953
01:04:21,480 --> 01:04:24,360
Well, if we're not, why are so
many people protesting against us?
954
01:04:24,360 --> 01:04:26,080
This must be Harry.
955
01:04:26,080 --> 01:04:28,120
Try to be nice. Of course.
956
01:04:28,120 --> 01:04:29,960
Hi! Harry Balls.
957
01:04:29,960 --> 01:04:34,480
Lovely to meet you, Harry!
Harry Balls! Jolly good!
958
01:04:34,480 --> 01:04:36,680
Thanks
for agreeing to come on the show.
959
01:04:36,680 --> 01:04:38,240
Who can resist Harry Balls?
960
01:04:38,240 --> 01:04:41,840
Everyone wants to see Harry Balls.
I have a...
961
01:04:41,840 --> 01:04:44,080
Can't think of anywhere we'd
rather be.
962
01:04:44,080 --> 01:04:46,120
Tell me, will we be seeing Mr Dick?
963
01:04:46,120 --> 01:04:48,280
Yes, he'll pop in. Will he?
964
01:04:48,280 --> 01:04:50,440
Will he indeed?
I'll look forward to that.
965
01:04:50,440 --> 01:04:53,280
Right, shall we...
966
01:04:53,280 --> 01:04:56,560
Remind me, is Dick above Balls?
967
01:04:58,120 --> 01:05:02,360
ALL: Hey!
Look who's here.
The sacrificial lamb.
968
01:05:02,360 --> 01:05:05,440
It's M-M-Monty Python!
969
01:05:05,440 --> 01:05:07,920
FAMOUS! Don't be seduced.
970
01:05:07,920 --> 01:05:10,400
So was Adolf Hitler
and Aleister Crowley.
971
01:05:10,400 --> 01:05:16,480
Who? What? Michael, John
- Alan Dick, Head of BBC Talk.
972
01:05:16,480 --> 01:05:20,600
So, looking forward to
seeing who's going to win this one.
973
01:05:20,600 --> 01:05:23,280
Tim!
This is your host for the evening.
974
01:05:23,280 --> 01:05:27,640
Tim Rice. Hello, guys, hi. Thanks
so much for coming on the show.
975
01:05:27,640 --> 01:05:31,280
Listen, obviously, my role
is to be impartial.
976
01:05:31,280 --> 01:05:33,560
But I just want to say I know
exactly what you're going through.
977
01:05:33,560 --> 01:05:38,080
When we did Jesus Christ Superstar
in 1971 it got accused of blasphemy.
978
01:05:38,080 --> 01:05:40,360
Admittedly, I did
co-write it with Beelzebub.
979
01:05:40,360 --> 01:05:43,680
Now, of course, it's the height of
respectability. I tell you what...
980
01:05:43,680 --> 01:05:46,000
I wouldn't mind
having a hit musical.
981
01:05:46,000 --> 01:05:50,480
That's got to be worth a few quid.
If only I had an idea for one.
982
01:05:50,480 --> 01:05:53,800
Well, you could always do what we did
and lovingly rip off a story
that already exists.
983
01:05:53,800 --> 01:05:58,400
So, John, will we be seeing
any Basil Fawlty tonight?
984
01:05:58,400 --> 01:06:03,200
Actually, Tim, if you don't
mind, I'd rather you directed
most of the questions at Michael.
985
01:06:04,320 --> 01:06:09,360
Oh, right, OK, yes, fine by me.
We're ready. See you in there.
986
01:06:09,360 --> 01:06:11,440
Um...what?
987
01:06:11,440 --> 01:06:14,920
Suddenly feel quite nervous
for some reason. What about me.
988
01:06:14,920 --> 01:06:18,560
It's all right for you,
you draw confidence from your
spirituality, don't you?
989
01:06:18,560 --> 01:06:23,160
Malcolm Muggeridge. Good evening,
good evening, hello, hello.
990
01:06:30,320 --> 01:06:35,080
Wow. That is one
big motherfuckin' Bishop.
991
01:06:41,880 --> 01:06:44,520
Ah, Bishop. Alan Dick,
992
01:06:46,440 --> 01:06:48,680
Let me introduce you
to your opponents.
993
01:06:48,680 --> 01:06:51,600
John, Michael, this is...a bishop.
994
01:06:51,600 --> 01:06:53,680
Best of luck for the show.
995
01:06:53,680 --> 01:06:56,360
Break a leg, as they say.
996
01:06:56,360 --> 01:06:58,800
This is not the bishop I wanted.
997
01:06:58,800 --> 01:07:02,640
Iain said he'd be better.
Who the fuck is Iain?
998
01:07:05,480 --> 01:07:07,120
Are you expecting vampires?
999
01:07:07,120 --> 01:07:10,800
Come on, Joan.
You'll have to be funnier than that.
1000
01:07:10,800 --> 01:07:13,840
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
1001
01:07:13,840 --> 01:07:17,600
You pompous arse.
I'll take that crucifix and
I'll garrotte you with it.
1002
01:07:17,600 --> 01:07:19,480
Lovely cassock, Bishop.
1003
01:07:19,480 --> 01:07:21,640
Very flattering.
1004
01:07:21,640 --> 01:07:25,280
Thank you, Joan. You're too kind.
1005
01:07:25,280 --> 01:07:27,080
Ready to go?
1006
01:07:27,080 --> 01:07:30,520
So remember. The key points are
we didn't kill Jesus.
1007
01:07:30,520 --> 01:07:32,880
That was the Jews. If you're
going to be angry with anyone...
1008
01:07:32,880 --> 01:07:36,640
blame the Jews. Plus the Monty
Python Scrapbook available now
in all good bookshops.
1009
01:07:36,640 --> 01:07:39,920
How do we look?
Good. Fine. Yup.
1010
01:07:39,920 --> 01:07:41,600
Shit scared.
1011
01:07:41,600 --> 01:07:43,840
We should probably be going...
1012
01:07:50,280 --> 01:07:52,360
OK, let's shake a leg, people.
1013
01:07:52,360 --> 01:07:54,760
Let's smash the arse off of it.
1014
01:07:54,760 --> 01:07:56,400
Cue titles.
1015
01:07:56,400 --> 01:08:00,400
"# Friday night, Saturday morning
1016
01:08:00,400 --> 01:08:04,040
"# By yesterday's dawn
there's a weekend dawning
1017
01:08:04,040 --> 01:08:09,320
"# Friday night,
Saturday morning at last...
1018
01:08:09,320 --> 01:08:12,960
You know, I find these opening
credits quite offensive.
1019
01:08:12,960 --> 01:08:15,160
Yes.
1020
01:08:15,160 --> 01:08:16,880
As a woman.
1021
01:08:16,880 --> 01:08:19,960
Yes. Yes, I knew what you meant.
1022
01:08:26,840 --> 01:08:29,320
This is all a bit heterosexual,
isn't it.
1023
01:08:29,320 --> 01:08:30,920
Yes, I rather like it.
1024
01:08:30,920 --> 01:08:35,640
Please welcome
one third of Monty Python,
Michael Palin and John Cleese.
1025
01:08:46,040 --> 01:08:49,520
Cracked. BBC cutbacks.
1026
01:08:49,520 --> 01:08:53,800
So why the name Brian?
1027
01:08:53,800 --> 01:08:56,000
It's one the funny names, isn't it?
1028
01:08:56,000 --> 01:08:59,000
Like Trevor or Kevin.
1029
01:08:59,000 --> 01:09:05,680
It's just funny. So you must
have known you were heading for
criticism and controversy.
1030
01:09:05,680 --> 01:09:07,280
A) because you were well known
1031
01:09:07,280 --> 01:09:11,160
B) because, to put it mildly,
the subject matter is
quite well known.
1032
01:09:11,160 --> 01:09:16,840
Yes but we...we wrote an awful lot
which was then just thrown away
because it was sort of
1033
01:09:16,840 --> 01:09:20,240
struggling too hard to be
controversial or...
1034
01:09:20,240 --> 01:09:22,960
Well, actually,
I don't know if I agree with that.
1035
01:09:22,960 --> 01:09:28,160
Because I don't think that we were
coming in with stuff about Christ.
1036
01:09:28,160 --> 01:09:31,800
We all started
writing around the edges.
1037
01:09:31,800 --> 01:09:36,680
All the people who arrived
five minutes after
the miracle being done.
1038
01:09:36,680 --> 01:09:38,400
Come on, Tim.
1039
01:09:38,400 --> 01:09:42,280
No more Mr Nicey-Ricey. Poke them.
Prod them. Get a reaction.
1040
01:09:42,280 --> 01:09:44,600
Weren't you all in some
danger of splitting up?
1041
01:09:44,600 --> 01:09:46,760
Or, at least there was
some internal conflict.
1042
01:09:46,760 --> 01:09:49,280
Did the film in fact
bring you closer together?
1043
01:09:49,280 --> 01:09:55,920
Yes, I think it did. After the Grail
there was about a year spent sort
of in the wilderness, as it were.
1044
01:09:55,920 --> 01:09:58,760
Also, there was a stage
where we hated each other.
1045
01:10:00,280 --> 01:10:02,000
We're ready for you now.
"I never hated you."
1046
01:10:02,000 --> 01:10:03,880
If He calls, we must answer.
1047
01:10:04,200 --> 01:10:06,960
"Whatever any of the others
may say, I always liked you."
1048
01:10:06,960 --> 01:10:09,120
Good luck, God bless.
1049
01:10:10,280 --> 01:10:12,080
A-A-A-men. HYMEN!
1050
01:10:12,080 --> 01:10:14,880
"What about your solo projects?"
1051
01:10:14,880 --> 01:10:17,120
"Are there going to be
any more Ripping Yarns?
Any more Fawlty Towers?"
1052
01:10:17,120 --> 01:10:20,160
There'll be no more
Fawlty Towers, no.
1053
01:10:26,960 --> 01:10:31,120
OK. In a moment we'll be joined
by two men who don't usually
review films.
1054
01:10:31,120 --> 01:10:33,520
So this is it, then.
1055
01:10:33,520 --> 01:10:38,920
In the red corner,
Organised Religion, the beliefs
of billions, and if He exists, God.
1056
01:10:38,920 --> 01:10:43,840
In the blue corner,
some men who like to get naked
and talk about moose choreography.
1057
01:10:43,840 --> 01:10:45,960
Let battle commence.
1058
01:10:48,600 --> 01:10:52,760
"We're joined now by Mervyn
Stockwood, the Bishop of Southwark
and Malcolm Muggeridge.
1059
01:10:52,760 --> 01:10:54,680
What do you think's going to happen?
1060
01:10:54,680 --> 01:10:57,160
Who's going to win?
Well, obviously, I know already.
1061
01:10:57,160 --> 01:11:00,240
Don't tell me! I hate it when
you tell me how everything ends.
1062
01:11:00,240 --> 01:11:02,120
Well, let's just say...
1063
01:11:02,120 --> 01:11:06,600
I'm not listening, not listening.
Blblblblblblbl!
1064
01:11:12,120 --> 01:11:13,920
You've turned the beer
into water, haven't you?
1065
01:11:13,920 --> 01:11:16,600
Christ! I wish you'd grow up.
1066
01:11:16,600 --> 01:11:20,600
Bishop, what was your review?
1067
01:11:20,600 --> 01:11:24,960
People have said to me,
"Bishop, you'll be horrified."
1068
01:11:24,960 --> 01:11:29,560
But I wasn't the vicar of the
University Church for nothing.
1069
01:11:29,560 --> 01:11:32,600
I am familiar
with undergraduate humour.
1070
01:11:32,600 --> 01:11:34,880
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
1071
01:11:34,880 --> 01:11:39,240
I'm also a governor
of a mentally-deficient school...
1072
01:11:39,240 --> 01:11:41,360
Oh, I like this guy!
1073
01:11:41,360 --> 01:11:44,840
He's my kind of bishop! Horrible.
1074
01:11:44,840 --> 01:11:51,880
It's the sort of thing, I'm sorry to
say, that at Cambridge the Footlights
did on a damp Tuesday afternoon,
1075
01:11:51,880 --> 01:11:55,720
"or the lower fourth
when I was a school master."
1076
01:11:55,720 --> 01:11:58,040
Bit strange.
That's not very constructive.
1077
01:11:58,040 --> 01:12:00,240
I thought this was meant to
be a constructive debate.
1078
01:12:00,240 --> 01:12:03,200
I wouldn't worry about it.
It's just a bit of banter, innit?
1079
01:12:03,440 --> 01:12:07,240
Why lampoon death? I think this
is the thing that really worried me.
1080
01:12:07,240 --> 01:12:11,320
I don't think you'd make
a farce about Auschwitz.
1081
01:12:11,600 --> 01:12:14,560
Good. Always good to play
the Auschwitz card early.
1082
01:12:14,560 --> 01:12:16,880
Yeah. He won't have any
trouble topping that later.
1083
01:12:16,880 --> 01:12:20,440
When I look at that figure,
I know you're going to say
1084
01:12:20,440 --> 01:12:25,200
that Brian isn't Jesus but,
I mean, that is just rubbish.
1085
01:12:25,200 --> 01:12:31,080
The whole thing is quite clear,
if Jesus hadn't lived, that film
would not have been produced.
1086
01:12:31,080 --> 01:12:32,880
Come on, Tim! Stir it up some more!
1087
01:12:32,880 --> 01:12:34,640
"Call someone a shitbag."
1088
01:12:34,640 --> 01:12:36,440
Pull a face like a mong.
1089
01:12:36,440 --> 01:12:38,560
Kick the bishop. Oh, dear God.
1090
01:12:38,560 --> 01:12:44,440
Could I bring in Malcolm and ask what
your review is like? Yes. Um.
1091
01:12:44,440 --> 01:12:51,200
Remember that I was engaged for
four years in the appalling task of
trying to make English people laugh.
1092
01:12:51,200 --> 01:12:53,400
As editor of Punch.
1093
01:12:53,400 --> 01:12:55,600
It's almost
an impossible thing to do.
1094
01:12:55,600 --> 01:13:02,280
I couldn't help feeling
enormous envy of the ease with which
1095
01:13:02,280 --> 01:13:04,920
this particular film
aroused laughter.
1096
01:13:04,920 --> 01:13:10,160
You simply had to use a four-letter
word or display a man's private
parts in the window and the whole
1097
01:13:10,160 --> 01:13:12,640
place fell on the ground with
laughter. What's wrong with that?
1098
01:13:12,640 --> 01:13:15,760
Swearing is funny.
Windows are funny.
1099
01:13:15,760 --> 01:13:20,320
My genitals are funny. And
that shot was beautifully framed.
Even the framing was funny.
1100
01:13:20,320 --> 01:13:22,760
Also, of course, I agree
entirely with the Bishop.
1101
01:13:22,760 --> 01:13:29,360
It's quite humbug to say that this
is not a ridiculing of the founder
of the Christian religion
1102
01:13:29,360 --> 01:13:33,640
and of the Incarnation in an
extremely cheap and tenth-rate way.
1103
01:13:33,640 --> 01:13:35,520
Rummenigge! Two-nil!
1104
01:13:35,520 --> 01:13:38,920
Great stuff. Malcolm's
even better than the bishop.
1105
01:13:38,920 --> 01:13:41,800
Don't just believe because someone
tells you to, someone in the pulpit
1106
01:13:41,800 --> 01:13:46,160
says something, question it,
work it out yourself.
1107
01:13:46,160 --> 01:13:50,000
Are you seriously suggesting
that someone who saw that film,
1108
01:13:50,000 --> 01:13:54,400
say a young kid, who knew nothing
about the gospels or about history,
1109
01:13:54,400 --> 01:13:59,080
that the figure of Christ that would
emerge from it would be a noble one?
1110
01:13:59,080 --> 01:14:03,200
Well, it's not supposed to be
about him so people shouldn't go
and see it to learn about him.
1111
01:14:03,200 --> 01:14:06,160
Well, it's no good saying
it's not about him...
I'm not being dishonest.
1112
01:14:06,160 --> 01:14:08,840
You're being utterly dishonest,
my dear chap.
1113
01:14:09,120 --> 01:14:14,600
They're n-n-not letting the Pythons
h-h-have their s-s-s-say.
MOUTH NAZI!
1114
01:14:14,600 --> 01:14:17,320
I am very confused
and perturbed by a religion,
1115
01:14:17,320 --> 01:14:21,720
an established religion,
in this country
1116
01:14:21,720 --> 01:14:28,520
where people can go into church
on a Sunday morning and the same
people can sing hymns and say prayers
1117
01:14:28,520 --> 01:14:32,920
and at the same time
these people can stand by while
1118
01:14:32,920 --> 01:14:39,000
their money is spent making bombs,
making guns, building up appalling
1119
01:14:39,000 --> 01:14:42,320
weapons of destruction...
they can sit by...
1120
01:14:42,320 --> 01:14:47,440
- I would urge you not to make
careless generalisations which
are not dependent on evidence.
1121
01:14:47,440 --> 01:14:50,160
I... I make them in all humility...
1122
01:14:50,160 --> 01:14:52,920
I think the Pythons
are on the ropes here.
1123
01:14:52,920 --> 01:14:56,040
..but I have observed people...
1124
01:14:56,040 --> 01:15:00,680
- Because what you're saying,
if I may say so,
is a great load of sheer rubbish
1125
01:15:00,680 --> 01:15:08,120
and you've made the most ridiculous
generalisations which are unworthy
of an educated man.
1126
01:15:08,120 --> 01:15:13,400
This whole thing is wrong.
Wrong and really, really repugnant.
1127
01:15:13,400 --> 01:15:15,840
Your lisp is getting worse.
It really is.
1128
01:15:15,840 --> 01:15:20,360
If you made that film about
Mohammed, you see, there would be
1129
01:15:20,360 --> 01:15:27,680
absolute hullabaloo in this country,
racial, anti-racialist people would
rise up in their might.
1130
01:15:27,680 --> 01:15:31,880
The same people who would approve of
this would have thought it quite
1131
01:15:31,880 --> 01:15:37,160
disgraceful and behind people's
minds would be the thought that
they might lose a bit of oil.
1132
01:15:37,160 --> 01:15:39,280
But you see the difference.
1133
01:15:39,280 --> 01:15:42,200
Four hundred years ago we would
have been burnt for this film.
1134
01:15:42,200 --> 01:15:45,960
Now, I'm suggesting
we've made an advance.
1135
01:15:45,960 --> 01:15:47,680
I've never seen Mike this angry.
1136
01:15:47,680 --> 01:15:54,240
This isn't good. This great
drama of the incarnation you have
reduced to a sort of comic film.
1137
01:15:54,240 --> 01:15:59,880
You don't make people open
by producing the sort of
buffoonery that you have produced.
1138
01:15:59,880 --> 01:16:01,600
You keep making
the basic assumption
1139
01:16:01,600 --> 01:16:06,080
that we are ridiculing Christ
and Christ's teaching
and I say we are not.
1140
01:16:06,080 --> 01:16:09,680
Do you imagine that your
scene, for instance,
of the Sermon on the Mount
1141
01:16:09,680 --> 01:16:16,040
is not ridiculing one of the most
sublime utterances that
1142
01:16:16,040 --> 01:16:19,880
any human being has ever spoken
on this earth? Course it is.
1143
01:16:19,880 --> 01:16:26,000
No, no, it's making fun of the guy
who's remembered it wrong and
the people who've missed the point.
1144
01:16:26,000 --> 01:16:30,200
Christ is played by an actor Ken
Colley, he speaks the words from the
sermon on the mount, he is treated
1145
01:16:30,200 --> 01:16:33,960
absolutely respectfully,
the camera then pans away,
1146
01:16:33,960 --> 01:16:37,600
right to the back of the crowd
to someone who shouts "speak up"
1147
01:16:37,600 --> 01:16:41,000
because they can not hear him.
Now if that utterly undermines
my faith in Christ then...
1148
01:16:41,000 --> 01:16:43,640
No, of course it doesn't
undermine it.
1149
01:16:43,640 --> 01:16:47,120
I started off by saying that
it is such a tenth-rate film
1150
01:16:47,120 --> 01:16:50,400
I don't believe it would disturb
anybody's faith...
1151
01:16:50,400 --> 01:16:54,720
Yes, you started with an
open mind, I realise that.
APPLAUSE
1152
01:16:54,720 --> 01:16:58,360
PALIN'S LOST IT!
STAY ON PALIN! STAY ON PALIN!
1153
01:16:58,360 --> 01:17:02,280
This is aw aw-awful.
1154
01:17:02,280 --> 01:17:04,120
They're behaving like total shits.
1155
01:17:04,120 --> 01:17:07,880
SHITS! Yes. It's not very Christian.
1156
01:17:07,880 --> 01:17:11,520
The question I put to you...
Could you really put your hand
on your heart
1157
01:17:11,520 --> 01:17:17,920
and say that film is going to help
the younger generation
in its pilgrimage for truth?
1158
01:17:17,920 --> 01:17:22,480
And the lampooning of Christ's death
is the most disgraceful part
of the whole thing.
1159
01:17:22,480 --> 01:17:25,720
You have succeeded
in reducing something
1160
01:17:25,720 --> 01:17:28,800
which has inspired
the greatest art
1161
01:17:28,800 --> 01:17:33,560
into something which is
presented in terms of
the lowest art. That's your feat!
1162
01:17:33,560 --> 01:17:35,840
That's your achievement!
1163
01:17:40,560 --> 01:17:43,600
My face! My beautiful face!
1164
01:17:44,240 --> 01:17:47,240
Oh, yes!
I have just come in my pants.
1165
01:17:47,520 --> 01:17:51,440
You're not funny! Go on, Mike!
Give him what for!
1166
01:17:54,320 --> 01:17:55,920
Please don't.
1167
01:17:55,920 --> 01:18:01,000
Stay out of it, Rice! This is gold!
Sit down or join in or fuck off!
1168
01:18:03,600 --> 01:18:05,560
Oh, I do love physical comedy.
1169
01:18:12,400 --> 01:18:14,000
What's going on?
1170
01:18:14,000 --> 01:18:19,720
I think we might be in
Michael Palin's fantasy sequence.
1171
01:18:19,720 --> 01:18:22,720
Oh, piss on me through a sieve!
1172
01:18:22,720 --> 01:18:26,200
Another fantasy sequence?
This is lame.
1173
01:18:27,720 --> 01:18:30,480
Gentlemen, I'm going to
have to call a halt.
1174
01:18:30,480 --> 01:18:35,200
I think you've made people happy
and made them think
and made them laugh.
1175
01:18:35,200 --> 01:18:36,360
APPLAUSE
1176
01:18:36,360 --> 01:18:41,440
Although you will get
your thirty pieces of silver.
Of that I'm quite sure.
1177
01:18:41,440 --> 01:18:43,320
That's ridiculously harsh.
1178
01:18:43,320 --> 01:18:45,360
Ow! Fuck.
1179
01:18:45,360 --> 01:18:47,320
R-really. YAHTZEE!
1180
01:18:47,320 --> 01:18:50,280
KRANKL! IT'S ALL OVER!
1181
01:18:50,280 --> 01:18:53,840
Is that a Bafta in my pocket?
No, I'm just pleased to see me.
1182
01:18:53,840 --> 01:18:56,280
And I've got a massive erection.
1183
01:18:56,280 --> 01:18:59,440
..you're seeing it in those terms
and it's utterly tragic.
1184
01:18:59,440 --> 01:19:01,240
Utterly tragic.
1185
01:19:01,240 --> 01:19:04,040
Gentlemen, thank you.
1186
01:19:04,040 --> 01:19:08,760
Now here's Paul Jones and
his Blues Band with Boom Boom,
Out Go The Lights.
1187
01:19:12,800 --> 01:19:17,160
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
1188
01:19:17,160 --> 01:19:21,680
Damn and blast it all to hell!
1189
01:19:24,280 --> 01:19:26,800
You OK, Mike?
1190
01:19:26,800 --> 01:19:29,280
Pissed off?
1191
01:19:29,280 --> 01:19:32,240
I can put you in touch
with a very good therapist.
1192
01:19:37,160 --> 01:19:39,240
Mike. Sorry. Joke.
1193
01:19:39,240 --> 01:19:40,960
Couldn't resist. Sorry.
1194
01:19:40,960 --> 01:19:43,960
I understand why you're angry,
of course I do. They didn't listen.
1195
01:19:43,960 --> 01:19:46,360
They didn't debate.
1196
01:19:46,360 --> 01:19:48,120
They just shouted us down
and played to the gallery.
1197
01:19:48,120 --> 01:19:50,000
We took it seriously and
they took the piss. I know.
1198
01:19:50,000 --> 01:19:53,960
And I thought you were going
to be swaggering and offensive.
1199
01:19:53,960 --> 01:19:56,880
Yes, well, I was kidding about that.
1200
01:19:56,880 --> 01:19:58,480
Shame.
1201
01:19:58,480 --> 01:20:02,360
It might actually have been useful
out there. You've changed your tune.
1202
01:20:02,360 --> 01:20:04,960
They mauled us, John.
They tore us to shreds.
1203
01:20:04,960 --> 01:20:06,840
Come for a drink.
1204
01:20:06,840 --> 01:20:10,000
No. No? No. No?
1205
01:20:10,000 --> 01:20:12,360
NO!
1206
01:20:12,360 --> 01:20:15,520
Why? Don't mock me, John.
1207
01:20:17,080 --> 01:20:18,760
All right, I'm not in the mood!
1208
01:20:24,200 --> 01:20:26,280
I do...
1209
01:20:26,280 --> 01:20:28,240
love you, M-Mike.
1210
01:20:44,280 --> 01:20:47,560
I know you! You're Michael Palin.
1211
01:20:47,560 --> 01:20:51,880
Yes. You been doing some more of
your TV show? The Flying Circus one?
1212
01:20:51,880 --> 01:20:53,640
No. Probably just as well.
1213
01:20:53,640 --> 01:20:56,160
It was very hit and miss, wasn't it?
1214
01:20:56,160 --> 01:20:58,400
That's the problem with
sketch shows - very hit and miss.
1215
01:20:58,400 --> 01:21:00,480
So what were you doing then?
1216
01:21:00,480 --> 01:21:03,080
I've been on a debate.
1217
01:21:03,080 --> 01:21:04,960
Sorry, can we just go?
1218
01:21:04,960 --> 01:21:09,080
Oh, yeah? Life of Brian thing is it?
You want to know what I think?
1219
01:21:09,080 --> 01:21:11,680
I think that sounds pretty
bloody offensive, actually.
1220
01:21:11,680 --> 01:21:13,280
I mean, I haven't seen it.
1221
01:21:13,280 --> 01:21:15,680
But I don't think people should
have to see it. Do you know what?
1222
01:21:15,680 --> 01:21:21,440
I couldn't give a shit. So just shut
the fuck up, do your fucking job,
drive me home and don't be a cu...
1223
01:21:23,800 --> 01:21:25,600
I know you!
1224
01:21:25,600 --> 01:21:27,760
You're Michael Palin.
1225
01:21:27,760 --> 01:21:29,760
Yes.
1226
01:21:29,760 --> 01:21:31,360
You're my wife's favourite, you are.
1227
01:21:31,360 --> 01:21:33,320
She loves you.
1228
01:21:34,240 --> 01:21:36,400
Thank you.
1229
01:21:39,440 --> 01:21:41,040
It's nice to feel loved.
1230
01:22:33,520 --> 01:22:36,880
Oh, come on!
What are you laughing at?
1231
01:22:36,880 --> 01:22:38,640
Your faces, you idiots.
1232
01:22:38,640 --> 01:22:40,320
You didn't come off badly out of it.
1233
01:22:40,320 --> 01:22:41,440
They did.
1234
01:22:42,720 --> 01:22:43,960
Wahey! The champion!
1235
01:22:43,960 --> 01:22:48,840
Well done, couldn't have
gone any better for us.
1236
01:22:48,840 --> 01:22:50,480
So, where's Mike?
1237
01:22:50,480 --> 01:22:52,760
Gone home.
1238
01:22:52,760 --> 01:22:55,880
Why? Bit miffed.
1239
01:22:57,960 --> 01:22:59,960
BISHOP'S STORTFORD!
1240
01:23:00,160 --> 01:23:03,040
That was aw-aw-aw...
1241
01:23:03,040 --> 01:23:05,680
Awe-inspiring? Thank you, love.
1242
01:23:05,680 --> 01:23:11,520
Pretty good display, I thought,
seeing as we saw the film
for the first time today
1243
01:23:11,520 --> 01:23:14,400
and we missed
the first fifteen minutes.
1244
01:23:14,680 --> 01:23:17,680
Oh, I see.
1245
01:23:17,680 --> 01:23:23,400
So you missed the part of the film
where the wise men go to visit
Brian, thinking he's Jesus
1246
01:23:23,400 --> 01:23:26,760
then realise their mistake
and go to visit Jesus?
1247
01:23:26,760 --> 01:23:28,720
Oh.
1248
01:23:30,240 --> 01:23:31,720
Yes.
1249
01:23:31,720 --> 01:23:37,880
So you make it clear
that Brian isn't Jesus?
1250
01:23:37,880 --> 01:23:40,360
Yes.
1251
01:23:41,680 --> 01:23:46,280
Great show, guys! Best piece
of television I have ever seen.
1252
01:23:46,280 --> 01:23:48,320
Thought you'd be funnier.
1253
01:23:48,320 --> 01:23:53,440
But still, great to see Michael
looking so angry. Unmissable.
1254
01:23:53,440 --> 01:23:56,120
Oh, well, there you go. All's well.
1255
01:23:56,120 --> 01:24:00,640
I'm sorry to say this
because I don't like conflict
1256
01:24:00,640 --> 01:24:03,600
but I thought
you behaved disgracefully.
1257
01:24:03,600 --> 01:24:07,840
You didn't represent us
or our beliefs.
1258
01:24:07,840 --> 01:24:10,400
Have you seen the film?
1259
01:24:13,640 --> 01:24:15,320
No.
1260
01:24:15,320 --> 01:24:22,000
But rest assured, we'll be going to
the first screening in the morning
and making up our own minds.
1261
01:24:22,000 --> 01:24:24,280
You don't need to
make up your own minds.
1262
01:24:24,280 --> 01:24:27,720
The Church has spoken for you.
1263
01:24:27,720 --> 01:24:30,840
I think we'll do what we
think is right. Thank you.
1264
01:24:35,000 --> 01:24:38,720
Good man.
Won't you join us for a drink?
1265
01:25:04,240 --> 01:25:06,040
Oh, love. You're squashing me.
1266
01:25:06,040 --> 01:25:08,160
Sorry, love.
1267
01:25:08,160 --> 01:25:09,880
What was that for?
1268
01:25:09,880 --> 01:25:11,400
You won.
1269
01:25:11,400 --> 01:25:15,440
Really? Absolutely.
You absolutely won.
1270
01:25:15,440 --> 01:25:20,080
But...we were serious and they
did jokes and made fun of us.
1271
01:25:20,080 --> 01:25:24,120
Yes. It was weird.
But that's part of why you won.
1272
01:25:24,120 --> 01:25:25,880
It was good you took it seriously.
1273
01:25:25,880 --> 01:25:28,200
And they looked very silly.
1274
01:25:28,200 --> 01:25:30,880
Oh, Michael, it was awful.
1275
01:25:30,880 --> 01:25:34,640
Yes, Mum. No, I mean THEY were awful.
What awful men.
1276
01:25:34,640 --> 01:25:36,480
They were complete bullies.
1277
01:25:36,480 --> 01:25:39,040
I can see what you meant, Michael.
1278
01:25:39,040 --> 01:25:41,440
You can criticise religion...
1279
01:25:41,440 --> 01:25:43,240
it's not all perfect.
1280
01:25:43,240 --> 01:25:46,200
Thanks, Mum.
1281
01:25:46,200 --> 01:25:48,880
Ooh, what a face though.
1282
01:25:48,880 --> 01:25:52,280
Thanks, Mum. Glass of sherry?
1283
01:25:57,000 --> 01:25:59,440
'I am writing in my diary.
1284
01:25:59,440 --> 01:26:03,000
'The camera is tracking
slowly towards me.
1285
01:26:03,000 --> 01:26:08,080
'I am thinking about
summing things up because
it will be the end credits soon.
1286
01:26:08,080 --> 01:26:11,240
'I look meaningfully
out of the window for a moment.
1287
01:26:12,760 --> 01:26:15,840
'I suppose this particular
episode is nearly at an end.
1288
01:26:17,360 --> 01:26:20,040
'Nearly...'
1289
01:26:33,400 --> 01:26:35,720
Hello, Michael.
1290
01:26:35,720 --> 01:26:38,560
Hello.
1291
01:26:38,560 --> 01:26:42,360
I'm sorry to say I'm not sure
I believe in you any more.
1292
01:26:42,360 --> 01:26:48,000
Oh, well, I suppose that's
the sort of intellectual, fashionable
thing of the moment, isn't it?
1293
01:26:48,000 --> 01:26:52,800
I hope you're not offended. Oh,
good lord no, God is love and so on.
1294
01:26:52,800 --> 01:26:57,080
So is it over now?
This conflict between religious
institutions and freedom of speech?
1295
01:26:57,080 --> 01:27:00,240
Um...No.
1296
01:27:00,240 --> 01:27:02,240
Oh. Won't people get less
offended by jokes at least?
1297
01:27:02,240 --> 01:27:03,960
Oh, no.
1298
01:27:03,960 --> 01:27:06,880
No. No no no no no.
You see, the trouble is, Michael...
1299
01:27:06,880 --> 01:27:10,680
and this doesn't apply
to you, of course,
1300
01:27:10,680 --> 01:27:13,920
but a lot of people
aren't very nice.
1301
01:27:14,520 --> 01:27:17,920
So what happens?
Well, where do I begin?
1302
01:27:17,920 --> 01:27:25,440
Satanic Verses, Jerry Springer
the Opera, Danish cartoons,
South Park, Richard Dawkin.
1303
01:27:25,440 --> 01:27:29,120
None of this makes any sense to you
whatsoever, does it? Not really.
1304
01:27:29,120 --> 01:27:35,080
Never mind, it will probably form
the basis of the ending of some
rather heavy-handed BBC Four drama.
1305
01:27:35,080 --> 01:27:37,840
Gosh! Is there a BBC Four
in the future?
1306
01:27:37,840 --> 01:27:40,920
The BBC must be doing
very well for itself.
1307
01:27:40,920 --> 01:27:45,040
(HE LAUGHS) No, you couldn't
be further from the truth.
1308
01:27:48,480 --> 01:27:51,760
I am dreaming this, aren't I?
Yes. You should stay off the cheese.
1309
01:27:52,800 --> 01:27:55,960
MUSIC: "Black And White"
by Three Dog Night
1310
01:28:04,800 --> 01:28:08,760
? The ink is black, the page is white
1311
01:28:09,120 --> 01:28:13,120
? Together we learn to read and write
1312
01:28:13,120 --> 01:28:17,640
? A child is black, a child is white
1313
01:28:17,640 --> 01:28:22,240
? The whole world
looks upon the sight
1314
01:28:23,400 --> 01:28:27,880
? A beautiful sight
1315
01:28:29,040 --> 01:28:32,680
? And now at last we plainly see
1316
01:28:32,680 --> 01:28:37,360
? The alphabet of liberty
1317
01:28:37,360 --> 01:28:40,240
? Liberty
1318
01:28:41,920 --> 01:28:45,680
? The world is black,
the world is white
1319
01:28:45,680 --> 01:28:50,040
? It turns by day
and then by night... ?
1320
01:28:50,920 --> 01:28:52,120
Ow!
1321
01:28:54,480 --> 01:28:57,760
You know, I think we'd think
twice about it now.
1322
01:28:57,760 --> 01:29:01,320
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