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♪ Chappelle's Show Chappelle's Show ♪
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♪ Chappelle's Show ♪ ♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
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♪ Chappelle's Show ♪ ♪ Oww ♪
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♪ Woo-hoo hoo ♪
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♪ Woo-hoo ♪
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♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
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Let's start the show.
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[male announcer] Dave Chappelle, come on down.
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You're the next black comedian to get his own show!
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["The Price is Right" theme]
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[cheers and applause]
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Oh, my God, I did it.
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Hey, everybody, what's up?
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Welcome.
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Welcome, everybody, to Chappelle's Show.
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As you see, I am "Dizzle."
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[laughing]
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You know, I've been watching the news
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and reading the papers,
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and I've been seeing that there's been a lot of, like,
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scandalous behavior.
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Like, these, uh, these major corporations--
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they rip everybody off.
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Enrons and Tycos and all this stuff.
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They don't be getting no time.
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They don't get no time in jail.
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[audience laughing]
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I got to get in on this "Being white" thing.
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It's like there's two legal systems, damn near.
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It'd be better if they--
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just for like, maybe, three days, if, like,
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they actually put those guys through the legal system
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that we all have to go through,
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and then they put, like, crack dealers and shit
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through the legal system that they go through.
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Wouldn't that be something?
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Well, tonight we have a very special episode
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of Law and Order.
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I hope you enjoy it.
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How was work today, Charles?
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Oh, same old, same old.
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Accounting's complaining about us misleading the stockholders
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and blowing the employee pensions and--
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what a bunch of babies.
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I mean, come on, this is business, people, right?
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And speaking of business, yeah?
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[growls]
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Satchco, take a powder.
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And you.
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-[screams] -[chuckles]
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-[growls] -[meows]
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Snuggle bunny!
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[laughs]
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-[police] Go, go, go. -[screaming]
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[speaking indistinctively]
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get on the ground!
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[screaming]
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[dog panting]
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Shut that fucking dog up!
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[gunshot]
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Get on the fucking ground!
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Stop resisting, sir!
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[phone ringing]
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Nigga, I said stop calling here, all right?
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I'm bagging up the coke up as fast as I can!
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I'm detective Charles Stevens
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from the Dade County Police Department.
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I've got a warrant here for your arrest.
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A warrant?
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Charge is cocaine trafficking,
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and, um, frankly,
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I'm afraid I don't know how to handle it.
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Oh, man, we got to be careful with this.
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We don't want to embarrass somebody like me
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in front of my family and my community.
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I tell you what,
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I'll come in and turn myself in around Thursday, okay?
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Is 1:00 good for you?
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- Oh, no, that's no good for me.
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I've got some trim coming at 12:00.
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I'll turn myself in, say, between
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2:00 and 6:00?
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Thank you so very much for your help and, again,
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I'm sorry for the inconvenience.
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Oh, no problem.
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One love.
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Uh, yeah. I love you too.
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[laughing]
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So what am I charged with?
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Yeah, like you don't know, you little bitch.
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[coughing]
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Could you do me a favor and not smoke?
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I'm allergic.
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Oh, hey, I'm sorry, Chuck.
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Why don't I do you a favor and put it out there for you, huh?
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How do you like that, you piece of crap!
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I want answers, punk!
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[whimpers]
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I want to talk to my lawyer!
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He wants to talk to his lawyer.
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Legal aid, you're on.
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Sorry, you're, like, my 14th case this week.
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-Somebody take a piss in here? -It was me!
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I peed.
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[timid elevator music]
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[timid elevator music]
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I would like to compliment you gentlemen
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on a very classy, baller-ass spread
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with cheeses that I've never even seen before.
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And my apologies for being late,
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but I got caught up with some Poonany.
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[laughs]
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Well, so, it's like I said,
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we don't want to make a big deal out of this thing.
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You're a cocaine dealer,
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but you've done a lot of good for the community.
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Oh, I know, man, on Thanksgiving,
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I'll be passing Turkeys out like Nino Brown, baby.
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But, seriously, we have to do something.
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How about you testify before a senate committee and spend
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two months at club fed?
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When I get out,
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can I still traffic rocks to the community?
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Absolutely not!
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You're right. Selling rocks would be wrong.
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[laughs]
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Jail's the shit!
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Anyway, he points the gun at us,
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and he tells his dog to sic us.
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It was at that point that I fired upon the canine
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and we were able to subdue Mr. Jeffreys.
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Upon further search of the mansion,
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we were able to locate this,
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pure Colombian heroin.
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Yeah, wait a minute.
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Your honor, I don't know who's heroin that is,
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but it certainly isn't mine.
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Then his wife threw her titties in my hand.
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It was weird, your honor.
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You grabbed her titties!
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I saw you!
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Before I sentence you,
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is there anything you'd like to say?
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Okay, first of all--
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All right, that's enough.
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You're the worst kind of scum
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on the face of the earth.
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You're an animal.
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A filthy, big-lipped beast.
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I'd like to congratulate the jury of your peers
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for reaching a verdict so quickly.
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Ten minutes is a new court record.
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All your possessions will be seized immediately by the court,
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and you will receive the mandatory
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minimum of life in prison.
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Plenty of time to lift weights
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and convert to Islam.
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Now get out of my sight, you fuck.
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Sir, is it true you were a crack cocaine dealer
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for seven years?
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I plead the fifth.
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Sir, will you tell us about the cartels you dealt with
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in your time as a crack cocaine dealer?
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Um, no, but I can tell you
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that I plead the fizzifth.
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Exactly how much money did you earn
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in your time as a crack cocaine dealer?
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♪ There ♪
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♪ Are ♪
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♪ I said there are ♪
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♪ So many amendments ♪
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♪ In the constitution ♪
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♪ Of the United States of America ♪
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♪ I can only choose one ♪
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[glass whistling]
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♪ I can only choose ♪
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♪ One ♪
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♪ I plead the fifth ♪
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♪ I plead the fifth ♪
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♪ Five ♪
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♪ One, two, three, four, fifth ♪
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♪ Anything you say, fifth ♪ ♪ Go ahead, ask me a question ♪
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-Did you-- -♪ Fifth ♪
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Sir, I have a secret document that I think you need to see.
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♪ Fifth ♪
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That will be all, sir. Good afternoon.
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I got your sentence reduced to a month, buddy.
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Oh!
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[laughs]
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We'll take a quick commercial break
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and be right back.
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♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
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♪ Better not bring your kids! ♪
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Hello.
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My name's Tyrone Biggums.
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Sometimes, the endless pursuit of crack
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leaves me tired and depleted.
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But now cocaine comes in a delicious shake.
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Red balls!
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It gives me wings!
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[sighs]
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Mmm, hummina, hummina, hummina, hummina!
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My baby!
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I left my baby in the car!
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[baby crying]
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[radar beeping]
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Oh, my god!
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[bionic man shimmer]
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FYI, people still do steal radios, hon.
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How do you think I got this suit?
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[bionic man shimmer]
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That Red Ball's got me!
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Ahh!
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[radar beeping]
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[bionic man shimmer]
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Mayday, Mayday.
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We have a crack head lifting up the bus.
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Must be Red Ball.
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I love this drink!
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Thank you, Red Balls.
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Excuse me, jailer.
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Pardon me.
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Might I have a Red Balls, please?
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Shazam!
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[screams]
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[bionic man shimmer]
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[thuds]
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Red balls. Cocaine in a can, baby!
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I can get some money for this.
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[cheers and applause]
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Y'all remember last season,
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we used to do a segment called "Ask a black dude"
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that featured comedian Paul Mooney.
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Well, he's back again this year
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as America's leading black psychic, Negrodamus.
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For centuries, people have turned to one man
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for the answer to life's great mysteries.
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That man is Negrodamus.
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You, sir.
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Negrodamus,
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will Arsenio Hall ever have another show?
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Yes, Arsenio Hall will get another show.
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It will be called
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Good morning, Black America.
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It will be shown at noon throughout the country.
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Thank you so much, Negrodamus.
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Next.
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[with French accent] Negrodamus,
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hello from France.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger will divorce his wife
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and marry Shirley Temple Black.
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And she will be Mrs. Shirley Temple Black-negger.
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You, sir.
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Negrodamus,
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uh, why do White people love Wayne Brady so much?
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White people love Wayne Brady
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because he makes
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Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X.
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[Announcer] For centuries, people have turned to one man
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for the answer to life's great mysteries.
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That man is Negrodamus.
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We're gonna take a quick commercial break.
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Y'all don't go nowhere.
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We'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.
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♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
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♪ Oww ♪
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Welcome back.
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You know, I don't know if anyone's ever seen
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this segment we've done on the show,
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"Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories,"
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but if you haven't seen it,
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Addie's older brother, Charlie, works on our show,
273
00:12:47,566 --> 00:12:50,266
and he tells us these crazy stories,
274
00:12:50,333 --> 00:12:51,933
some of which are so crazy
275
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:55,130
that we have to have him come by and tell them to the crowd!
276
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:58,300
So tonight, we have for you
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00:12:58,366 --> 00:13:01,766
a brand-new true Hollywood story from Charlie Murphy.
278
00:13:04,900 --> 00:13:07,030
I can recall another one, like, in, you know-
279
00:13:07,100 --> 00:13:08,530
I think it was in '85, like,
280
00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:12,530
when all that androgynous shit was going on,
281
00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:14,700
and what was wild was that
282
00:13:14,766 --> 00:13:17,096
the guy who looked the most like a bitch
283
00:13:17,166 --> 00:13:18,896
was getting all the women.
284
00:13:18,966 --> 00:13:21,366
Even I had it-- the Jerry Curl was coming out,
285
00:13:21,433 --> 00:13:24,533
and I had my shit slicked to the side and all that.
286
00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:27,230
If you wearing baggy shit now and you acting hard,
287
00:13:27,300 --> 00:13:28,600
if you from LA,
288
00:13:28,666 --> 00:13:31,966
you motherfuckers was wearing some strange shit.
289
00:13:33,066 --> 00:13:34,226
We in the club.
290
00:13:34,300 --> 00:13:36,030
We getting our groove on, shaking it up,
291
00:13:36,100 --> 00:13:37,500
and Prince came in there.
292
00:13:38,933 --> 00:13:41,503
That's when Purple Rain came out,
293
00:13:41,566 --> 00:13:44,866
and Prince was the shit, you know what I'm saying?
294
00:13:44,933 --> 00:13:46,203
Prince had on, like, a--
295
00:13:46,266 --> 00:13:48,426
it was like a Zorro-type outfit.
296
00:13:48,500 --> 00:13:50,800
It had the ruffles that come down the front.
297
00:13:50,866 --> 00:13:54,196
He had the big perm fluffed out and all that.
298
00:13:54,266 --> 00:13:58,466
And the mustache, you know, just drawn on his face.
299
00:13:58,533 --> 00:14:02,073
And it looked like something that a figure skater would wear,
300
00:14:02,133 --> 00:14:03,873
you know what I'm saying?
301
00:14:03,933 --> 00:14:05,503
And he was with his whole crew,
302
00:14:05,566 --> 00:14:09,396
and he had this other cat named Mickey Free,
303
00:14:09,466 --> 00:14:12,666
and Mickey Free was, like, the new cat in Shalamar
304
00:14:12,733 --> 00:14:15,603
that, when he joined the group, I heard mad cats, like,
305
00:14:15,666 --> 00:14:17,796
"Yo, Shalamar got this new girl in there.
306
00:14:17,866 --> 00:14:19,896
Man, that bitch fine like a motherfucker."
307
00:14:19,966 --> 00:14:22,366
They was talking about Mickey Free, okay?
308
00:14:22,433 --> 00:14:25,173
Mickey Free is not a girl, all right?
309
00:14:25,233 --> 00:14:27,373
They came over where we was at.
310
00:14:27,433 --> 00:14:29,333
Prince started talking to my brother.
311
00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:30,430
Hello, Eddie Murphy.
312
00:14:30,500 --> 00:14:31,500
Prince, what's up?
313
00:14:31,566 --> 00:14:33,396
I'm a big fan of your comedies.
314
00:14:33,466 --> 00:14:35,066
Ooh, that's hot, Prince.
315
00:14:35,133 --> 00:14:36,403
Would you like to come to my house
316
00:14:36,466 --> 00:14:37,696
and listen to some music?
317
00:14:38,366 --> 00:14:38,996
Oh, that's cool.
318
00:14:39,066 --> 00:14:40,396
Fruity, get the car.
319
00:14:40,466 --> 00:14:41,626
Assemble your crew.
320
00:14:42,433 --> 00:14:43,433
I'll be outside.
321
00:14:47,933 --> 00:14:49,173
We went up there.
322
00:14:49,233 --> 00:14:50,603
We get there. He puts the tracks on.
323
00:14:50,666 --> 00:14:52,726
The tracks are slamming, you know what I mean?
324
00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:54,330
And we're listening to the music and everything.
325
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:55,500
Grooving at the crib.
326
00:14:55,566 --> 00:14:57,296
He had girls over there.
327
00:14:57,366 --> 00:14:59,296
He had a nice environment. It was tight.
328
00:15:01,533 --> 00:15:02,773
This bores me.
329
00:15:04,466 --> 00:15:06,466
Is anyone up for a game of basketball?
330
00:15:07,700 --> 00:15:10,570
[laughs]
331
00:15:13,166 --> 00:15:15,296
How about you and your friends
332
00:15:15,366 --> 00:15:18,096
versus me and The Revolution?
333
00:15:18,700 --> 00:15:22,170
[laughs]
334
00:15:22,233 --> 00:15:24,333
So I was like, "This nigga must be joking, man."
335
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,500
I don't know where he's going with this and shit.
336
00:15:26,566 --> 00:15:28,666
But he was dead serious.
337
00:15:28,733 --> 00:15:30,833
He had his, uh, helper or whatever
338
00:15:30,900 --> 00:15:33,700
go and get some, like, shorts and sneakers
339
00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:34,826
and gave them to us.
340
00:15:34,900 --> 00:15:36,070
And laughing, I'm like,
341
00:15:36,133 --> 00:15:38,173
"This is gonna be some funny-ass shit."
342
00:15:38,233 --> 00:15:39,833
So they come out, right?
343
00:15:39,900 --> 00:15:41,900
And I look at them, and, um,
344
00:15:41,966 --> 00:15:45,026
they still got on the same shit they was wearing at the club.
345
00:15:52,133 --> 00:15:53,573
It was wild, and I was like,
346
00:15:53,633 --> 00:15:55,603
"I know they ain't thinking about playing ball in that."
347
00:15:55,666 --> 00:15:58,166
But they were. I said, "Hey, you know what?"
348
00:15:58,233 --> 00:15:59,773
You know what we're gonna call this?
349
00:15:59,833 --> 00:16:01,503
The shirts against the blouses.
350
00:16:01,566 --> 00:16:04,396
[laughter]
351
00:16:04,466 --> 00:16:07,996
And when I said that, this look came on his face.
352
00:16:08,066 --> 00:16:09,366
He ice grilled me.
353
00:16:10,966 --> 00:16:12,866
And I'm looking back at him, thinking to myself,
354
00:16:12,933 --> 00:16:14,403
you know, "What are you angry about?
355
00:16:14,466 --> 00:16:17,296
"I mean, you know where you got that shirt from,
356
00:16:17,366 --> 00:16:19,596
and it damn sure wasn't the men's department."
357
00:16:19,666 --> 00:16:21,366
I mean, I kind of learned something that day,
358
00:16:21,433 --> 00:16:23,333
don't never judge a book by its cover.
359
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:25,770
This cat could ball, man.
360
00:16:27,666 --> 00:16:28,526
Play ball.
361
00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:34,500
He was crossing cats like ice.
362
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:36,470
Crossed me up.
363
00:16:36,533 --> 00:16:38,003
Made my knees slam together.
364
00:16:38,066 --> 00:16:40,626
He was getting rebounds like Charles Barkley.
365
00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:41,830
Snatching it down!
366
00:16:41,900 --> 00:16:43,030
Shoot the "J."
367
00:16:43,100 --> 00:16:44,130
Shoot it!
368
00:16:45,333 --> 00:16:47,403
Let's run a play. Computer blue.
369
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:49,230
Darling picky.
370
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:51,830
Oww!
371
00:16:51,900 --> 00:16:53,900
They was kind of setting these fruity picks, man,
372
00:16:53,966 --> 00:16:55,066
you know what I'm saying?
373
00:16:55,133 --> 00:16:56,503
Like, you'd be trying to check Prince,
374
00:16:56,566 --> 00:16:58,466
and then you go this cat standing behind you,
375
00:16:58,533 --> 00:16:59,633
and he's getting close to you,
376
00:16:59,700 --> 00:17:01,230
and his hands is out like this.
377
00:17:01,300 --> 00:17:02,730
You don't really want to be bent over
378
00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:04,470
in front of a cat like that, you know what I'm saying?
379
00:17:06,866 --> 00:17:08,696
Prince was incredible!
380
00:17:12,700 --> 00:17:14,730
Prince, you got a towel, man?
381
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,630
It's kind of hot out here, man.
382
00:17:16,700 --> 00:17:19,170
Why don't you purify yourself in the waters
383
00:17:19,233 --> 00:17:20,533
of Lake Minnetonka.
384
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:23,100
Good.
385
00:17:23,166 --> 00:17:24,866
In your face, Charlie Murphy.
386
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:26,170
Good.
387
00:17:26,966 --> 00:17:27,926
Good hustle. [slap]
388
00:17:28,933 --> 00:17:31,303
Yo, man, I'm not on your team.
389
00:17:37,300 --> 00:17:39,300
I mean, it wasn't even like it was close.
390
00:17:39,366 --> 00:17:41,526
It was a landslide victory.
391
00:17:44,666 --> 00:17:45,466
Game.
392
00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:48,203
Blouses.
393
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:50,530
I was there. I seen it.
394
00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:51,730
You don't believe me?
395
00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:53,300
You think I'm making it up?
396
00:17:53,366 --> 00:17:55,696
You think I'm trying to, uh, you know,
397
00:17:55,766 --> 00:17:59,366
enhance the story because I'm involved?
398
00:17:59,433 --> 00:18:02,003
Or trying to give myself an excuse for losing
399
00:18:02,066 --> 00:18:05,466
because I'm telling you a story about Prince?
400
00:18:05,533 --> 00:18:09,803
I dare you to challenge Prince to a game of ball one-on-one.
401
00:18:09,866 --> 00:18:10,926
Challenge him!
402
00:18:13,166 --> 00:18:14,396
A'ight?
403
00:18:14,466 --> 00:18:17,626
And make sure your people is there to see the game.
404
00:18:17,700 --> 00:18:19,670
'Cause you might get embarrassed.
405
00:18:19,733 --> 00:18:21,373
Trust me.
406
00:18:21,433 --> 00:18:22,733
All right, he beat you in basketball,
407
00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:23,630
and then what happened?
408
00:18:23,700 --> 00:18:24,970
After it was all over,
409
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:28,470
he took us in the house and served us pancakes.
410
00:18:34,133 --> 00:18:35,773
Pancakes.
411
00:18:35,833 --> 00:18:37,433
Well, I got to admit, um,
412
00:18:38,900 --> 00:18:40,500
it was a good game.
413
00:18:40,566 --> 00:18:42,526
I wish I could say the same for you
414
00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:44,130
and your crew of flunkies.
415
00:18:45,700 --> 00:18:47,700
Do you guys want some grapes?
416
00:18:47,766 --> 00:18:50,226
I mean, you know, there's some great storytellers
417
00:18:50,300 --> 00:18:52,230
in the world that we live in today, man.
418
00:18:52,300 --> 00:18:53,130
Bitches.
419
00:18:54,933 --> 00:18:56,833
Who the fuck can make up that shit?
420
00:18:59,133 --> 00:19:02,173
[cheers and applause]
421
00:19:07,900 --> 00:19:08,700
♪ Whoo! ♪
422
00:19:10,333 --> 00:19:11,533
♪ Turn on your TV ♪
423
00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:14,030
♪ What you gonna see ♪
424
00:19:14,100 --> 00:19:15,170
Hey, what's happening?
425
00:19:16,500 --> 00:19:18,570
You guys are a wonderful crowd.
426
00:19:18,633 --> 00:19:20,573
I'd like to thank you all for being here
427
00:19:20,633 --> 00:19:22,173
and you at home for watching.
428
00:19:22,233 --> 00:19:24,333
I will see you another time. Good night.
429
00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:27,170
[cheers and applause]
430
00:19:27,233 --> 00:19:28,773
I'm rich, biatch!
431
00:19:28,833 --> 00:19:29,773
[horn honking]
432
00:19:29,833 --> 00:19:31,033
Hi, thank you.
433
00:19:32,700 --> 00:19:33,500
Next rock.
434
00:19:35,533 --> 00:19:37,103
Woman, give me some of that Red Balls.
435
00:19:37,166 --> 00:19:38,566
Come on, Tyreta. Come on.
436
00:19:38,633 --> 00:19:40,633
Oh. Oh, Red Balls.
437
00:19:44,366 --> 00:19:45,166
Shazam!
438
00:19:46,166 --> 00:19:47,666
This is the ride of my life.
439
00:19:48,966 --> 00:19:50,466
I'm having another heart attack.
440
00:19:51,766 --> 00:19:52,966
Thank you, Red Balls.
441
00:19:53,966 --> 00:19:55,196
Bitch, I can't sit still.
442
00:19:55,266 --> 00:19:56,096
Take this.
443
00:19:56,166 --> 00:19:57,526
I'll be right back, Tyreta.
444
00:19:57,600 --> 00:19:58,800
I got to run some errands.
445
00:19:59,733 --> 00:20:01,003
[bionic man shimmer]
446
00:20:01,053 --> 00:20:05,603
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