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1
00:00:02,780 --> 00:00:05,055
? Well, you came and you gave... ?
2
00:00:05,180 --> 00:00:09,375
"In 20 words or less, say why
you deserve a holiday with McVitie's
3
00:00:09,500 --> 00:00:10,556
"Jammie Faces."
4
00:00:10,681 --> 00:00:11,735
DOOR OPENS
5
00:00:11,860 --> 00:00:13,735
Ah, Mandy.
6
00:00:13,860 --> 00:00:15,295
Why do I deserve a holiday?
7
00:00:15,420 --> 00:00:18,135
McVitie's are having a competition
to win a cruise.
8
00:00:18,260 --> 00:00:20,815
You have to collect a lot
of coupons, but luckily I eat
9
00:00:20,940 --> 00:00:22,935
lots of biscuits for the vitamins.
10
00:00:23,060 --> 00:00:27,455
I have to say in 20 words or less
why I deserve a holiday. Right.
11
00:00:27,580 --> 00:00:29,215
You need to pull at the heartstrings
here,
12
00:00:29,340 --> 00:00:30,535
get them feeling sorry for you.
13
00:00:30,660 --> 00:00:33,895
OK. I deserve a holiday
14
00:00:34,020 --> 00:00:39,255
with McVitie's Jammie Faces
15
00:00:39,380 --> 00:00:41,775
because... All your family
have just died
16
00:00:41,900 --> 00:00:43,860
in an industrial explosion.
17
00:00:45,180 --> 00:00:47,175
That's ten words, I need ten more.
18
00:00:47,300 --> 00:00:50,535
And you have only three months left
to live yourself.
19
00:00:50,660 --> 00:00:51,975
20.
20
00:00:52,100 --> 00:00:53,460
Pop it in the post.
21
00:01:00,660 --> 00:01:03,335
Mandy! ? I won the competition. ?
22
00:01:03,460 --> 00:01:05,535
Oh, my God! Fantastic!
23
00:01:05,660 --> 00:01:07,615
Can I come with you?
24
00:01:07,740 --> 00:01:09,295
Mandy, I'm so sorry.
25
00:01:09,420 --> 00:01:12,295
The holiday is for one person only.
That can't be right.
26
00:01:12,420 --> 00:01:14,095
Who gives a holiday for one?
27
00:01:14,220 --> 00:01:16,335
McVitie's. I'm sorry.
28
00:01:16,460 --> 00:01:17,860
Oh, God.
29
00:01:18,940 --> 00:01:21,055
It's fine, you go.
30
00:01:21,180 --> 00:01:23,255
Don't worry about me.
I'll be fine.
31
00:01:23,380 --> 00:01:26,335
Don't give me a moment's thought.
32
00:01:26,460 --> 00:01:28,340
You just enjoy yourself.
33
00:01:36,100 --> 00:01:37,740
HORN BLOWS
34
00:01:51,700 --> 00:01:54,735
Mandy, what are you doing
in there? Coming with you, Lo!
35
00:01:54,860 --> 00:01:57,415
Holiday for one? What do
McVitie's think they're playing at?
36
00:01:57,540 --> 00:01:59,295
But where will you sleep? If you get
found out,
37
00:01:59,420 --> 00:02:00,975
we will both be thrown
off. It's fine.
38
00:02:01,100 --> 00:02:02,935
There's hundreds of fuckers
on this ship.
39
00:02:03,060 --> 00:02:04,535
They can't keep track of everyone.
40
00:02:04,660 --> 00:02:06,295
And how are they going to throw us
off?
41
00:02:06,420 --> 00:02:08,655
We're at sea. It's not like they can
throw us overboard.
42
00:02:08,780 --> 00:02:11,015
- KNOCK ON DOOR
- Oh, shit, zip me back in.
43
00:02:19,420 --> 00:02:22,295
Hello. What is your name, please?
Lola Okinado Akimbo.
44
00:02:22,420 --> 00:02:25,375
Ah, yes, here you are -
the competition winner.
45
00:02:25,500 --> 00:02:28,295
Sorry to hear about your family.
46
00:02:28,420 --> 00:02:30,255
You are travelling alone,
aren't you?
47
00:02:30,380 --> 00:02:34,255
Erm, yes. It's just that we've had
trouble with McVitie's winners
48
00:02:34,380 --> 00:02:37,175
before who seem to think
that eating their own body weight
49
00:02:37,300 --> 00:02:40,295
in Happy Crunch entitles them to
bring stowaways.
50
00:02:40,420 --> 00:02:41,895
Well, I'm all alone.
51
00:02:42,020 --> 00:02:44,500
I'm glad to hear it.
That's a big case.
52
00:02:46,980 --> 00:02:49,095
Well, I've never
been on a cruise before.
53
00:02:49,220 --> 00:02:51,720
I didn't know what to pack,
so I packed everything!
54
00:02:52,780 --> 00:02:53,820
Right.
55
00:02:54,820 --> 00:02:56,780
Well...enjoy your holiday.
56
00:02:59,700 --> 00:03:00,740
SHE SIGHS
57
00:03:05,420 --> 00:03:06,615
What a misery.
58
00:03:06,740 --> 00:03:08,895
He's probably been at sea
too long.
59
00:03:09,020 --> 00:03:11,175
MANDY, MUFFLED: He doesn't even know
McVitie's
60
00:03:11,300 --> 00:03:12,815
don't make Happy Crunch
any more.
61
00:03:12,940 --> 00:03:14,375
I'm not sure they ever did,
actually.
62
00:03:14,500 --> 00:03:15,775
I think it may have been another
63
00:03:15,900 --> 00:03:18,020
of Britain's leading biscuit
manufacturers.
64
00:03:20,260 --> 00:03:22,615
Hello.
Now I know you have someone in here.
65
00:03:22,740 --> 00:03:23,975
I just heard them.
66
00:03:24,100 --> 00:03:25,975
No! You must be mistaken.
67
00:03:26,100 --> 00:03:27,335
I'm here all alone.
68
00:03:27,460 --> 00:03:30,095
I'm going to have to ask
to look in your case.
69
00:03:30,220 --> 00:03:32,575
No, you don't have any right
to do that.
70
00:03:32,700 --> 00:03:35,335
Oh, you should know, madam,
that as ship's purser
71
00:03:35,460 --> 00:03:38,415
I have the authority to investigate
possible stowaways
72
00:03:38,540 --> 00:03:39,815
under the Piracy Act 1793.
73
00:03:39,940 --> 00:03:43,060
It's maritime law, the rule
of the sea.
74
00:03:44,220 --> 00:03:49,055
Now what have we...
75
00:03:49,180 --> 00:03:50,220
..here?!
76
00:03:54,660 --> 00:03:56,615
I'll be watching you,
77
00:03:56,740 --> 00:03:59,460
Lola Okinado Akimbo.
78
00:04:02,540 --> 00:04:05,895
What a prick. Oh, Mandy, you are
going to have to keep
79
00:04:06,020 --> 00:04:07,695
a very low profile
on this trip.
80
00:04:07,820 --> 00:04:10,135
Don't worry about me.
I'll be as quiet as a mouse.
81
00:04:10,260 --> 00:04:11,655
You won't even know I'm here.
82
00:04:11,780 --> 00:04:13,975
You cannot sleep here, Mandy.
There's no room.
83
00:04:14,100 --> 00:04:16,815
And that purser will be looking for
you.
84
00:04:16,940 --> 00:04:19,295
I don't want to get
you into trouble, Lola.
85
00:04:19,420 --> 00:04:21,540
I'll find somewhere else to sleep.
86
00:05:04,420 --> 00:05:06,060
HORN BLOWS
87
00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:43,695
HORN BLOWS
88
00:05:43,820 --> 00:05:45,935
..kin' hell, is this all free?
89
00:05:46,060 --> 00:05:49,295
Yes, it's all included,
except the continental cheeses.
90
00:05:49,420 --> 00:05:51,500
All right. They are extra. OK.
91
00:05:57,980 --> 00:05:59,940
Hey, I'm having a go at that.
92
00:06:02,660 --> 00:06:04,055
That's brilliant, that.
93
00:06:04,180 --> 00:06:05,615
Oh, very entertaining, indeed.
94
00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:07,935
Thank you, Margaret.
95
00:06:08,060 --> 00:06:09,975
- GLASS SINGS
- Margaret, thank you so much.
96
00:06:10,100 --> 00:06:12,975
That's a lovely, that is. Brilliant.
97
00:06:13,100 --> 00:06:15,415
Now it's time for our next
contestant.
98
00:06:15,540 --> 00:06:17,575
Who have we got? Let's have a look.
99
00:06:17,700 --> 00:06:19,815
OK, and what is your name,
my darling?
100
00:06:19,940 --> 00:06:21,535
Mandy Carter.
101
00:06:21,660 --> 00:06:22,895
Mandy. What a lovely name.
102
00:06:23,020 --> 00:06:25,015
And what are you going to do
for us tonight, my love?
103
00:06:25,140 --> 00:06:27,855
I'm going to swallow a tangerine
whole. You're going to what?
104
00:06:27,980 --> 00:06:30,175
RAISES VOICE: I'm going to swallow a
tangerine whole.
105
00:06:30,300 --> 00:06:31,895
Oh, is that dangerous?
106
00:06:32,020 --> 00:06:34,495
Yeah, it can be.
I nearly died last time I did it,
107
00:06:34,620 --> 00:06:36,495
but luckily my neck muscles crushed
108
00:06:36,620 --> 00:06:38,735
it and pushed it down at the last
minute.
109
00:06:38,860 --> 00:06:41,695
Oh! Well, let's just hope there's
a doctor on board.
110
00:06:41,820 --> 00:06:44,860
OK, well, Mandy, in your own time,
take it away.
111
00:06:48,860 --> 00:06:49,900
DRUM ROLL
112
00:07:18,460 --> 00:07:20,575
- How about that, everyone?
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
113
00:07:20,700 --> 00:07:22,975
Wow, that were tense, Mandy.
114
00:07:23,100 --> 00:07:25,735
What an extraordinary talent.
Isn't it?
115
00:07:25,860 --> 00:07:28,495
You've seen now
all of our super talented
116
00:07:28,620 --> 00:07:31,735
contestants, but it's now time
for you to choose a winner.
117
00:07:31,860 --> 00:07:34,575
So in front of you, you'll see
a piece of paper and a pen.
118
00:07:34,700 --> 00:07:37,615
And if you would like to write
down the number of the contestant
119
00:07:37,740 --> 00:07:39,295
that you enjoyed the most.
120
00:07:39,420 --> 00:07:42,455
So once all the results are in,
we will announce the winners.
121
00:07:42,580 --> 00:07:46,140
But in the meantime, here's a song
about losers.
122
00:07:47,140 --> 00:07:51,895
? Every loser wins
123
00:07:52,020 --> 00:07:54,015
? Once the day begins... ?
124
00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:56,415
Well done, Mandy! Oh, thanks, Lo!
125
00:07:56,540 --> 00:07:58,375
Hey, you don't know where the bogs
are, do you?
126
00:07:58,500 --> 00:08:00,975
I think I had too much to eat
in that all-you-can-eat buffet.
127
00:08:01,100 --> 00:08:02,780
Down the corridor, on your left.
128
00:08:11,620 --> 00:08:13,580
? Every loser wins... ?
129
00:08:21,580 --> 00:08:23,215
Go on, down you go.
130
00:08:23,340 --> 00:08:25,415
OK, well,
we're just counting the votes.
131
00:08:25,540 --> 00:08:27,855
I think we do have a winner, do we?
132
00:08:27,980 --> 00:08:30,775
The winner will have the honour
133
00:08:30,900 --> 00:08:34,775
of winning a ticket to sit
and dine with the captain.
134
00:08:34,900 --> 00:08:36,455
Oh, that's posh.
135
00:08:36,580 --> 00:08:37,700
FLUSHING
136
00:08:39,220 --> 00:08:41,340
Oh, don't... Oh, God.
137
00:08:49,740 --> 00:08:51,535
We do have a winner.
138
00:08:51,660 --> 00:08:55,135
OK, well, the winner is number ten,
Mandy Carter.
139
00:08:55,260 --> 00:08:56,420
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
140
00:08:57,940 --> 00:08:59,295
Thank you. Thank you.
141
00:08:59,420 --> 00:09:01,855
Are you pleased? Yeah.
142
00:09:01,980 --> 00:09:03,215
I'm really pleased.
143
00:09:03,340 --> 00:09:04,735
It's not about the winning, is it?
144
00:09:04,860 --> 00:09:06,500
It's just nice to be entered.
145
00:09:11,780 --> 00:09:14,295
Captain, have I introduced
you to Mandy Carter?
146
00:09:14,420 --> 00:09:16,495
She's the winner of the talent
competition,
147
00:09:16,620 --> 00:09:19,135
and her lovely friend, Lola.
148
00:09:19,260 --> 00:09:22,775
Ah, Lola, the McVitie's
competition winner.
149
00:09:22,900 --> 00:09:26,015
I was sorry to hear about
the industrial explosion.
150
00:09:26,140 --> 00:09:30,095
I don't believe I've seen
you on the ship before, Mandy.
151
00:09:30,220 --> 00:09:32,855
Oh, well, I've been trying to blend
in.
152
00:09:32,980 --> 00:09:34,620
Mandy Carter.
153
00:09:35,620 --> 00:09:37,020
Carter, Mandy.
154
00:09:39,700 --> 00:09:44,215
So what is your talent,
Mandy Carter?
155
00:09:44,340 --> 00:09:46,975
Well, I can swallow
a tangerine whole.
156
00:09:47,100 --> 00:09:48,140
HOST LAUGHS
157
00:09:50,260 --> 00:09:53,015
That's a very fetching dress
you have on.
158
00:09:53,140 --> 00:09:54,735
Oh, thanks.
159
00:09:54,860 --> 00:09:56,735
It's just something I threw on.
160
00:09:56,860 --> 00:09:59,495
I served on HMS Invincible
161
00:09:59,620 --> 00:10:02,015
in the Falklands, by the way.
162
00:10:02,140 --> 00:10:04,375
I don't know what any of that means.
163
00:10:04,500 --> 00:10:08,335
Would you show me this trick you do
with the tangerine, Mandy?
164
00:10:08,460 --> 00:10:10,255
Yeah, yeah. Have you got one?
165
00:10:10,380 --> 00:10:11,535
I'm the captain.
166
00:10:11,660 --> 00:10:13,540
I can get whatever I want.
167
00:10:14,540 --> 00:10:15,580
Steward.
168
00:10:17,260 --> 00:10:18,300
Tangerine, now.
169
00:10:21,300 --> 00:10:23,215
Would you care for another potato?
170
00:10:23,340 --> 00:10:24,380
Oh, ta!
171
00:10:28,380 --> 00:10:29,580
Take two.
172
00:10:32,700 --> 00:10:35,735
So what do I do? Like this?
173
00:10:35,860 --> 00:10:38,300
No, no, you have to peel it first!
174
00:10:46,460 --> 00:10:47,740
CAPTAIN MOANS
175
00:10:53,140 --> 00:10:54,335
Stand back, stand back!
176
00:10:54,460 --> 00:10:56,335
Don't panic, I am trained
in first aid.
177
00:10:56,460 --> 00:10:57,855
It's fine.
178
00:10:57,980 --> 00:10:59,375
It's going to be fine.
179
00:10:59,500 --> 00:11:00,815
I know the Heimalich manoeuvre.
180
00:11:00,940 --> 00:11:05,215
It's the Heimlich manoeuvre -
get it right.
181
00:11:05,340 --> 00:11:06,380
Come on!
182
00:11:10,460 --> 00:11:11,975
Cough it up.
183
00:11:12,100 --> 00:11:14,855
Remember the Falklands! Captain?
184
00:11:14,980 --> 00:11:16,460
Come on, get him up.
185
00:11:18,580 --> 00:11:20,575
THEY GASP
186
00:11:20,700 --> 00:11:22,940
Stand back, stand back, stand back.
187
00:11:29,020 --> 00:11:30,175
The Captain is dead.
188
00:11:30,300 --> 00:11:31,340
Oh!
189
00:12:02,300 --> 00:12:07,415
? Near, far, wherever you are
190
00:12:07,540 --> 00:12:13,335
? I believe that the heart
does go on
191
00:12:13,460 --> 00:12:17,695
? Once more, you open the door
192
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:20,495
? And you're here in my heart
193
00:12:20,620 --> 00:12:24,255
? And my heart will go on
194
00:12:24,380 --> 00:12:27,375
? And on. ?
195
00:12:27,500 --> 00:12:31,455
Yes, thank you. That was
very...moving.
196
00:12:31,580 --> 00:12:34,775
It is maritime tradition,
197
00:12:34,900 --> 00:12:39,815
the captain of a ship is buried
at sea. Since he served
198
00:12:39,940 --> 00:12:44,455
in the Falklands, it has been
the captain's wish to have his body
199
00:12:44,580 --> 00:12:46,495
fired from a cannon.
200
00:12:46,620 --> 00:12:51,015
But we have not had time to do
the proper risk assessment for that,
201
00:12:51,140 --> 00:12:55,615
and so we are just going to
slide him over the railings.
202
00:12:55,740 --> 00:12:58,740
You! Mandy Carter!
203
00:12:59,900 --> 00:13:03,375
I don't know how you have the nerve
to show your face here.
204
00:13:03,500 --> 00:13:07,135
First, you board this ship without a
ticket, then your so-called
205
00:13:07,260 --> 00:13:12,295
talent with a tangerine causes
the death of our beloved captain.
206
00:13:12,420 --> 00:13:14,335
I know when I'm not wanted.
207
00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:17,175
Stop...right...there.
208
00:13:17,300 --> 00:13:22,495
What now? Do you really think it is
appropriate to come to the funeral
209
00:13:22,620 --> 00:13:25,295
of a man who served in the Falklands
210
00:13:25,420 --> 00:13:28,260
wearing an Argentina football top?
211
00:13:30,140 --> 00:13:33,375
That's it!
Get this woman off my ship!
212
00:13:33,500 --> 00:13:35,260
HORN BLOWS
213
00:13:37,940 --> 00:13:42,700
I spy with my little eye,
something beginning with...
214
00:13:44,100 --> 00:13:45,255
..S.
215
00:13:45,380 --> 00:13:46,495
Sea.
216
00:13:46,620 --> 00:13:47,660
No. S.
217
00:13:48,900 --> 00:13:52,775
Sharks. Sky. Stowaway.
218
00:13:52,900 --> 00:13:54,935
No. Sinking ship.
219
00:13:55,060 --> 00:13:57,100
Look. Oh, my God.
220
00:13:58,300 --> 00:13:59,340
HORN BLOWS
221
00:14:01,140 --> 00:14:03,660
I knew there was something
wrong with that toilet.
222
00:14:03,710 --> 00:14:08,260
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