All language subtitles for Boston Legal [4x10]

Previously on Boston Legal...

- Melvin Palmer, how are you?
- I'm grand, actually, but I go by Alan Shore.

You're a hoot, that's what.
We have an expression in Texas...

you're all hat...
and no cattle.

I know I've seen your face.
I don't know your real identity,

but I know you've been
Lorraine Weller since 1997.

I owned and operated a brothel.
After being arrested, I reached a deal

with the authorities, whereby I would not
be prosecuted if I agreed to disappear.

Jerry, would you like to get
a drink with me?

We all know what's supposed to happen
on the third date, after 2 wonderful dates.

- You've really never kissed a woman?
- Not a real one...

Oh, thank you God. I don't wanna
be let out, just let her in.

Would you be riding
on the elevator with us?

Think you can handle it, Denny?

- Ah... Scotch and eggnog?
- No, thank you.

What's with all the guns here, Denny,
if you don�t mind my asking?

Coast Guard Auxiliary.
I'm serving my country. It's fantastic.

Getting reacquainted with weaponry.
Wanna join?

Actually, Denny, I do serve my country.

Which is one of the reasons I'm here.

In fact I joined the board of Green People
to save this country as well as the planet.

Denny...

this is a little awkward.

Green People hired Crane, Poole and
Schmidt on my recommendation,

and the only reason I made
that recommendation...

was because you told me
your firm was extremely green.

- Yeah. So?
- Well, it�s not. Not really.

What are you talking about?
We have all these, uh, curly-cue light bulbs.

Yeah. Well, there are major areas
where this firm is not green.

You have no solar panels,
no carpool policies.

I discovered you recently
threw away your old computers

which contain hazardous waste.
- Oh, Walt.

And which will probably
wind up in a landfill.

Meanwhile Green People
is paying your firm

legal fees in the six figures every year.

Bottom line, Denny: get green
or I'll recommend we hire another law firm.

- Walt. May I say something?
- Okay.

I love the environment.
I really do.

And every day I kiss the ground
I walk on. As do many others,

because I am after all...
Denny Crane.

- Oh, God.
- What's this? You got a tic?

Denny.

I take this cause... seriously.

I'm committing the rest of my life to it.

I told you it was important for our law firm
to be environmentally conscious.

You're wearing blinking antlers for God's sakes!
- Walt, it's Christmas!

It's the time of year to embrace giving
and getting and waste and gluttony ...

and all the things that make God
and this country great!

Don't be such a girl.
- Now I'm getting angry.

So am I! Frankly, I hope
this planet survives. I really do.

But I am getting sick of you
smug, hybrid driving socialists

telling the rest of us
how to live our lives!

I'm rich, okay? Like to guzzle
a little gas now and then.

I keep my thermostat at 22�C during the winter.
I prefer night games in football.

And I am fed up with you
global warming wusses

raining on my electric parade!

You can be such an arrogant, ignorant, ass!

So can you!

Good news! It's paint.
Bad news. It's not biodegradable.

Nobody comes into my office
and ruins my Christmas

with a load of �Save the Planet�
atheist, communist crap!

Off you go now.

Aah! These things happen.

An argument between two old friends.
You'd understand if you had any.

These things happen? You open fire
on him with a paintball gun?

Uh hm. Am I the only one who's getting
a little sick of these greenies?

If they had their way we'd be
living in caves like terrorists.

Where's Shirley, by the way?
I prefer her reprimanding me.

Shirley's in Atlanta at a conference...

ironically on environmental law.

Denny, this greenie
is suing us for fraud.

He claims you misrepresented us

as being an environmentally
conscious firm.

Oh, send them some Joan Baez tapes
tied together with hemp rope.

No, they're asking for all the money
they've ever paid us in legal fees.

That's in the millions. Plus
three times that in punitive damages.

Denny!

Denny, the bigger problem is...
now that

all corporations are going green,

we could be shunned if
we're perceived not to be.

That means no more business...
from anybody.

Whatever.

Clarence?

You've been staring at my pencil cup
for about thirty seconds.

Is there something wrong?
- I'm too embarrassed to even say.

Just tell me.

- I lost my house.
- What?

The bank foreclosed.

- Were you not making payments?
- I was. But...

But what? What happened?

The interest rates just kept exploding.

I bought about three years ago.
I didn't have to put anything down.

- You got an adjustable rate.
- Yes.

Yes. And at first I could make the increases.
And then they went up 30%.

And then they went up again.

I'm still paying off student loans
from law school.

These increases have
wiped out my savings and...

I missed the last two months.

I feel like such an idiot.
- And they're foreclosing?

- I can't get the bank to even talk to me.
- They're not taking your house.

- They're within their rights.
- I don't care. They're not taking your house.

It's Christmas.

I can't, Denny, I have
a meeting with Clarence.

- I don't want Sack defending me.
- He won the last time.

Exactly. He'll expect me to be grateful.

The bank is trying to take
Clarence's house away.

I told him I'd help. And as for you, I thought
you'd agreed to stop shooting people.

- He's an environmentalist.
- Even so.

You were hoping to get called on
Shirley's carpet again, weren't you?

That's what this was about.
- No, no, I really wanted to shoot him.

Alan.

Your best defense here, Denny,
is remorse. Contrition.

You need to look past the fact that
he's an environmentalist and see him

as the... terrible golfer you've
always loved to beat and apologize.

Come on, Clarence.

- He shot him with a gun?
- Paintball. He does that.

And now he's being sued?

Ah. You know I've learned,
when looking for you,

it's best not to check your office
or your desk where you might
actually be doing some work.

- Yeah, yeah. What do you need?
- Clients. They seem like nice clients...

need you. They're
in the reception waiting.

Can't you get somebody else?

Fine.

Nice suit.

Katie. You'll be joining me in defense
of both the firm and Denny Crane

whose legacy continues
to grow yet more colorful.

My office, please.

Well, it seems the paintball assassin is now...

Jerry, what's wrong?

- I got dumped.
- I'm sorry?

It's a �Dear John� letter from Leigh.
She's leaving me for an iPhone.

Well, first of all, and
it goes without saying,

Denny is very sorry for
shooting the paintball gun.

Well, that's interesting, because
until now it has gone without saying.

Girl.

Denny. What do you have to say?

- I'm sorry.
- No, you're not, Denny.

And the truth is I don't really care.

Not about the paintball. But
I do care about the environment.

And it's embarrassing to me as
a board member of Green People

to look around this office

and see it lit up like
a nuclear power plant.

Wasteful Christmas decorations.

You make no effort whatsoever
to conserve energy.

And this at a time when carbon dioxide
is poisoning the planet.

Glaciers are melting.

Is it overzealous on my part? Maybe.

Ow! Dammit! Something keeps hitting me
in the face and it hurts.

Why don't... we take a break...

and let cooler heads prevail?

- You're shooting me!
- Ah, it's an air soft gun. Don't be such a girl.

Obnoxious...

- Okay!
- Sick!

Second amendment. He was attacking me.
I have a right to defend myself.

Don't I?

- Nobody is more devastated about this than I am.
- Yes.

I personally executed Mr Bell's
mortgage agreement.

I take enormous pride in being able
to help people buy homes.

I was extremely gratified to be able
to help Mr Bell buy his.

And I am deeply saddened
for him to be losing it.

Yes. Is it any consolation
that you're the one taking it?

I wanted this to work.

We gave Mr Bell a no-money-down
interest-only two-year-arm at 2%!

It was a fantastic opportunity.

Mr Chernack, I'm in a bit of a rush, so
if you don't mind I'd like to cut the crap.

As much as you desperately want
the best for Clarence it seems
you've done him the very worst.

You facilitated his buying a house
he ultimately couldn't afford.

You then continued to raise his rates.
What was once 2% is now 12%

with a balloon payment coming due,
and in the end it seems the bank

gets all the money and the house. And
instead of the best, Clarence gets nothing.

I take offense to that.

This man wanted this property
and I made it happen for him.

Oh, my goodness!
Let's hear it for Mr Chernack,

this year's MVP
in the predator lending department!

- I'm sorry. Is there a problem?
- Oh no, don't be silly.

Just celebrating Mr Chernack's success

with this sub-prime mortgage
scam you're currently offering.

And, you are?

Alan Shore representing a scamee.

- May we go to my office?
- Unless you're serving drinks with

your apology and refinancing offer
I think we can settle this in court.

Oh, I think before we get there
you'll want to do your discovery

which attorneys typically do.

And you'll find, Mr Shore, that this sub-prime
debacle isn't just victimizing individuals,

but lending institutions as well.

In fact, over a hundred and sixty major
lenders have been put out of business.

Many others, including us,
are simply trying to survive.

Our stock prices have
gone down almost 95%.

20% of the mortgages
we hold are past due.

The bulk of the others
haven't had their rates reset yet.

And in the next two years,
it figures to get worse.

But hey, go ahead and sue us.

That's what we need, for a lawyer like you
to come in and slap us around a little.

Now what?

I don't know. We could sue but,
like he said, they've lost money too.

It's not something
they wanted to have happen.

Huh. It's always the government.
Come on, Alan.

This is a Liberal's wet dream.

You get to jump up and scream
for more regulations.

Yes.

Well, I've scheduled a settlement conference
with the bank's lawyer.

We'll see what happens.

What about your case?
What's happening there?

Trial. We'll win. Deep down
people hate the environment.

I'm not sure that's true, Denny.

Actions speak louder than words.
Never mind what we say.

Consider what we do.

It might occasion a discussion
of your actions.

Is it time for your annual CAT scan?

- Very funny.
- Seriously, Denny. Is it time?

There are these new PET scans
which are more definitive.

I'm gonna make an appointment.

Well, well! Alan Shore!

How the heck are you my good buddy?
- I'm fine thank you.

A bit surprised, perhaps, to discover
we're buddies, but other than that�

Atta boy! You're still a hoot,
that's what you are.

Melvin Palmer, how are you my friend?

- Homeless.
- Well, we're gonna see what we can do about that,

that's what we're gonna do.
Do you know what I like?

I like to eliminate �adversary�
from the adversarial process,

that's what I like.
- Oh dear.

There is no reason
this can't be a win-win.

I mean, we're not
the Japanese, now are we?

No. But I can see you're a racist
in addition to being my good buddy.

You're a hoot, that's what you are.
Come on, let's all go work this out.

Find a way for my friend Clarence
to be home for the holidays.

He gets worse.

Jerry, it's very difficult for me to work at
my desk knowing you're curled up under yours.

I'm fine.

Have you seen those iPhones?
They're very sexy.

- Jerry, get up from under your desk, please!
- I'm fine.

Jerry, please! Get up!

Not to mitigate the tragedy which was
once your great love, but Leigh is...

well, I believe the American term,
a total nut job.

I'm quite sympathetic
to the condition of objectophilia,

but if your girlfriend cheats on you
with a clock radio and runs off with an iPhone

she is bonkers and you'd best be
done with her.

So stop your whinging and
get on with it, would you please?

Either that or go outfit yourself
with a nappy.

Bloody hell.

Make sure he goes through the weapons
detector as you go into the courthouse.

I heard that.

Carl. I was in your office at six o'clock.

You were a no show.
- I got a little tied up with Denny.

- Would you like that?
- Let's try eleven o'clock today.

- What's happening?
- I haven't the slightest idea.

It's a summons, but with
no indication as to my fate.

I don't like that it's happening
without Shirley.

Jerry.
- Oh shut up.

- Okay.
- Leigh dumped him.

- For the clock radio?
- iPhone. They are sexy.

Here's what I'm trying to do, Clarence.

I'm trying to get inside your head.

It's what I like to do.
You see, I find the best way

to help people with their problem is
to experience where they're coming from.

That suit you okay my friend?

- Fine.
- Okay.

Now, when Mr Chernack
explained this loan�

He didn't really explain it.

Well, you went to law school.
Are you telling me that

you signed a legal document
without understanding it?

Was it your client's intent to take advantage of him
when it turned out he didn't, Mr Palmer?

I'm sorry. Melvin.
I keep forgetting we're buddies.

- You know what you are?
- A hoot.

With a capital H, that's what you are.

Now Clarence, you did understand terms like

�float�, and �balloon�,
and �piggyback�, and...

hell, sounds like a birthday party.
That's what that does.

But you did understand that your adjustable
rate floated with the prime, didn't you?

I certainly had no idea the prime
would go through the roof.

Nor did the bank. And nobody expected
the housing market to take a dive.

I mean we all got caught with
our pants down on that one, didn't we, Al?

I do my best work with my pants down.
But then again,

I'm the hoot.
- With a capital H, that's what you are.

Please sit.

Well. Lorraine.

I did a little survey with the firm.

Between the 172 attorneys currently
practicing law at Crane, Poole & Schmidt,

we've managed to rack up convictions
in domestic violence,

possession of marijuana, cocaine, heroin,

ecstasy, malicious destruction
of property, DUI's,

reckless driving and failure
to file income tax returns.

That doesn't even include Denny.

You, on the other hand,
haven't been convicted of anything.

You also seem to have led a rather
model life over the past eight years,

setting aside your extra-curricular
activities in elevators.

Bottom line, you survive for now.

Mainly because Shirley likes you...

and Denny has a particular fondness in his...

heart.

If this prior career should take on
a public relations life...

we may have to revisit the situation.

But for now...

Thank you.

That's all.

Okay, Jerry.
Why are you under my desk?

I just came in to be alone.

Would you like me to leave?

He flies around in a private jet.

He drives a tank.

This is Crane of Crane, Poole & Schmidt.

The firm does very little to be truly green.

And he told me they did a lot.

Well, this is fraud.

So you've known Denny Crane
for a long time.

You knew he flew in private jets
and so forth.

True. But he told me that
he was starting to make sacrifices.

More importantly he told me
the firm was green.

It's not. Fraud.

First of all I'm an enormous admirer
of your organization, Green People.

I think you're all to be congratulated.
- Well, thank you.

I do notice, however, the beverage
your counsel's drinking.

Do you know sir, that the bottled water industry
uses more than 1.500.000 barrels of crude oil

to manufacture their plastic?

I know that we use oil to make products.
I do live in this century.

They happen to use a lot of oil.

Enough to fuel 100.000 cars for a year.

They also use vast amounts of fossil fuels
to distribute their product.

What's worst is less than 25%
of these bottles are actually recycled.

The rest end up in land fills or the ocean.

It's not really green at all
to be drinking bottled water.

I'm not about to ask people to go green
at the expense of their own health.

Oh, actually, it doesn't serve their health.

Scientists say that bottled water
is no better for you than tap.

In fact, it could be worse.

The EPA standards are looser,

and in some cases the bacterial
count is almost double.

- This is not a referendum on water.
- I beg your pardon. Do you eat meat?

I only ask because studies show
eating meat contributes more to

greenhouse gases than driving a car.

Denny says you two often have
rib-eyes together. Is that true?

First, I don't believe that eating meat is
worse for the environment than driving a car.

It is. Contaminated runoff from
slaughter houses is a major source

of water pollution. Livestock itself
contributes 18%

of greenhouse gases just from,
pardon me, farting.

That's more than all the planes,
trains and automobiles put together.

Do you eat meat, sir?

I'm not sitting here saying
people need to go vegan.

But Denny Crane's firm
is assaulting the environment.

I mean the man drives a...
an outrageous gas guzzling mon�

- What do you drive, may I ask?
- I drive a hybrid.

- Oh dear.
- Oh, what? You're telling me that's bad too?

Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news,

but hybrid batteries contain
nickel that is mined

and smelted in a plant
in Sudbury, Ontario.

A plant that has caused so much environ-
mental damage and acid rain that NASA

uses the so-called �dead zone�
around the plant

to test its moon rovers. I think a board
member of Green People might know that.

That nickel then has to be shipped off via
massive containers to a refinery in Europe,

then off to China to be made into nickel foam

then to Japan to be manufactured,

then finally all the way
back to America! All that,

just to put a single hybrid battery into a car.

When you combine all the energy
it takes to build and drive a hybrid

it adds up to almost 50% more than
it does to build and drive a Hummer.

They also save on fuel.

In terms of money perhaps,
but because they do so, studies show

people are driving more.
Hybrids might result

in more fuel consumption than gas cars.

I imagine you do know that?

No?
- I love it.

Sorry.

My point is, you can blame us
all you want, my friend.

But nobody saw this coming.
Even Alan Greenspan

was saying there were no bubbles
in the housing market.

Is Alan Greenspan your good buddy too?

I hear he can be quite the hoot.

Al, I really don't need you
to make fun of me.

- No! You don't.
- The simple fact is...

this was a negotiable contract.
He's a lawyer.

Those are two facts actually.

What happened to the sub-prime
was unforeseeable.

What happened to the housing
market was unforeseeable.

When do we get to the win-win
part of this meeting?

This man was never lied to.

He made a deal. Now he doesn't like it
because it turned out to be a bad deal.

So what? He just stops
making his payments?

It seems to me he deserves
to lose the house.

You think you can sue us
and win, Al,

even though he flat out
breached a contract?

I'm asking myself, �What kind
of a lawyer would think that?�

That's what I ask.
But then I remember,

you're not so much a lawyer
as you are a gigantic hoot.

Am I right?

I may not be much
of a lawyer, Mr Palmer,

but I can see the obvious.
Foreclose on Mr Bell's house

and your client will be left
holding an asset he can't sell

and a loan that will never be paid off.

Over the next 18 months, 2.000.000

of these teaser mortgages
are going to expire.

And a trillion dollars' worth of loans
are going to be called in

as interest rates keep taking up and
property values keep slipping down.

That trillion dollars' worth of debt

is going to be secured by houses
worth a fraction of that.

Keep throwing people out on the street,
taking their homes instead of their money

and you'll be left with a stock price of zero
and a public that's out for blood.

Not mine, or his, but yours, and yours.

You can smell it in the air.
Anger and chaos.

If Shakespeare were alive today,
he might say:

�First thing.
Let's kill all the bankers.�

Tell me, Melvin, what exactly do you
plan to trade on in that courtroom?

Your witless grin and home-style cookin'?

Or perhaps the bank industry's
stellar reputation.

The FBI has already claimed mortgage fraud

is the fastest growing
white-collar crime in America.

In some cities even drug dealers
have turned to mortgage lending.

Profits are high.
Death rate is low.

Until, of course, people
start shooting the suits.

I may not know much about law,

but even a gigantic hoot like me knows,

cases always come down to emotion.

Who do you think the jury's
heart will go out to on this one?

I've got a man who's lost his home
and his entire life's savings.

You've got a bank.

These images here are basically
microscopic plaques of debris,

tangles of nerve endings
containing a protein called T.

Up to now we've only be able to view
these kind of tissue tangles in autopsies.

- So, what are you saying? I'm dead?
- No. I'm just saying with

the latest PET scan developments

we are now seeing things
we never thought possible.

It's beyond innovation.
This is really the cutting edge.

Look. Just tell me
what all this crap means.

Well, you have MCI.
But that doesn't mean�

I've got AT&T. I know my phone service.
I'm not that far gone.

No. MCI stands for
Mild Cognitive Impairment.

And this debris here
represents signs of MCI.

Did I not just tell him I have AT&T?

So, is this Alzheimers?

Could be the early stages.
But nothing's definitive.

Sometimes MCI is a transition stage
between normal aging and Alzheimer's.

Other times it's just normal aging.

We see this in about
29% of people under 85.

Of those people roughly 12%
progress to Alzheimer's each year.

Do I look like Rainman?
Just crunch the numbers for me!

In about six years 80%
have Alzheimer's.

So, let me understand
what we have here.

I have an 80% chance of getting
Alzheimer's in six years?

Yes.

If it's any consolation at all...

you're seventy-five.
You drink. You smoke.

You probably won't live that long.

Denny Crane wasn't honest.

He told Walt Bonner that Crane, Poole
and Schmidt was a green firm.

It wasn't. I don't know about you, but
I'm a little sick of the wide-spread practice

of the �tell the customer
what he wants to hear

whatever it takes to get
the account� mentality.

It's fraud! They're not green.
It's bait and switch. It's wrong.

These people need to be held
accountable for their lies and deception.

You have to help hold them accountable.

Even if my client eats meat
and I drink bottled water.

It's hard to know what the hell is
good for the environment these days.

One minute we're being told,

�Eat farmed salmon
to spare the wild stocks.�

While another study says,

�That may be the worst thing
we can do for the wild salmon.�

There's a new study out that
says people contribute more

to greenhouse gas emissions
by walking than by driving.

Because the increased energy
it takes to walk makes people eat more

which causes the proliferation
of slaughterhouses.

Ridiculous? It could be.

Everyone talks about ethanol.

Well, it turns out to fill
one SUV with pure ethanol

would require 200 Kg of corn.

Or roughly the amount of calories
to feed a person for a year.

That's just one tank full.

We've heard how hybrid cars may
not be all they're cracked up to be.

I mean, the information can
sometimes become so contradictory...

it's confusing. And as a consequence,
easy to feel overwhelmed and...

an utter sense of futility.

Especially when people are running
around screaming, �The end is near!�

One thing that really would be helpful

is if all the Chicken Little's
would just stop yelling, �Doom!�...

and calm down. And instead
promote a little common sense.

We're not gonna stop driving cars.

People are not going
to give up meat. Or Christmas.

Now we can stop eating farmed salmon.

We can recycle.
We can drive less.

We can use fluorescent
light bulbs. Little things.

Maybe if we get the message out

that the little things
really make a difference,

we'll all start doing them.

But suing people for not doing enough...

This is silly, isn't it?

I wasn't listening. Any good?

Hello, Jerry.

Busy.

Jerry?

What? Improper to make
fun of the disabled?

You're not disabled, Jerry.

You're a very �abled� man who happens to
have Asperger's and a few eccentric tics,

but you're intelligent.
And you're mainstream.

And when it comes to finding
a romantic partner...

It's simply wrong for you to reduce
your playing field to people who suffer

mental disorders, which
Leigh Swift very much does.

With all due respect to objectophilia,
she needs medical attention.

For God's sake, you cannot be expected
to compete with a gadget.

You need to start setting
your sights a little... higher.

That would make a lovely Valentine's
movie. But in the real world�

Real world? Women fall in love
with men who beat them.

Men fall in love with
their mothers. Love is

the most inexplicable, unscientific,
irrational of all phenomena.

The only thing we know for sure is
it can happen to anyone. It usually does.

For you to be moping around with the idea
it never will for you is simply unacceptable.

- Okay.
- Okay. Fine.

Actually I'm writing a letter
to Leigh now. To get closure.

- Excellent.
- I thought it best to keep it short.

But I'm wondering if it's a little
too short. May I read it to you?

Of course.

�Dear Leigh, Go to Hell.

Sincerely, Jerry�.

It is a bit short.

This offer in no way represents
any admission of liability on our part,

but rather... the charity that
runs through my client's heart.

To the Christmas season itself.
- Oh, Santa!

If your client brings his payments schedule
current, we will hold off on foreclosure.

- Rejected.
- What?

This, this is a gift!
- Because you're my buddy, yes.

And since no gift should go
unpunished, these are the terms:

He gets sixty days to bring
his scheduled payments current

and from there on he gets
a fixed rate at eight.

- Eight! Why on earth would we�?
- Because you gave him two

with the implied promise that it would
fluctuate, but certainly not detonate.

- I'm sorry but�
- Not nearly as sorry

as you'll be if you take
your chances with me in court.

- My friend�
- I am not your friend.

I find the possibility
of such a friendship, vile.

Your best hope Mr Milk is that
the first sub-prime lawsuit

is brought against you
by a buffoon like Mr Palmer.

You do not want the precedent
set by me because I will get you.

Search my eyes, Mr Milk.
This is what the truth looks like.

- 9%.
- Let's split the difference. Call it eight.

- Make the deal.
- Ah, Noris! I assure you�

Make the deal!

You have some dog doo
on your shoe.

Merry Christmas.

- You remember Doris?
- Yes, of course. How are you?

- Fine.
- Doris is gonna sing a song later.

Fantastic! Doris,
this is Denny. Stop it.

Alan...

I don't know how to thank you.
- Then why don't' we skip it?

- Hello, Jerry.
- Lorraine! Hello! Well! Hello!

I heard you'll be staying.
I'm very pleased.

That's very nice of you
to say. Thank you, Jerry.

- Is that a mercy kiss?
- A mercy kiss? Don't be ridiculous.

That was mistletoe.

- Merry Christmas, Jerry.
- You, too! Happy holidays.

- Where the hell were you?
- I lost interest. Did we win?

We did, actually, the jury found for us.

See? I told you. Deep down
people hate the environment.

That wasn't it, Denny.
But you're welcome.

Thank you.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Denny.

Hello! Happy Holidays!

Hello.
- Hello, Jerry.

- I was wondering if you�d like to dance?
- I'd love to.

What am I? Chopped liver?

- Maybe Whitney could have the next dance?
- Of course! Hello. Welcome.

I'll be waiting right here for you, Jerryboy.

Would you like to dance, Whitney?

Okay, Clarence. Don't you try anything.

Can you imagine the nerve
of that doctor...

telling me I wouldn't live
long enough to get Alzheimer's?

I'll make it. You watch.

What are the odds of somebody
getting Mad Cow and Alzheimer's?

Right.

See? I feel good.

I think it's good to live life as though
it were a finite thing. Cause, it is.

I appreciate today.

And tomorrow I'll wake up, and
there'll be another day to savor.

And after it I'll go to bed and
I'll wake up and there'll be another.

And another. And another. And a...

Besides, I can reverse this...

MCI thing. Any time I want.

- You can?
- I've read a study.

Blood goes to your brain. Blood goes
to your penis. But not at the same time.

So I wanna hone my mental skills?
I just cut down on the sex.

Question is, �Is it really worth it?�

I think Plato once asked that.

Don't you love Christmas?

Anything goes wrong with the world,
Christmas makes it go away.

Decorations. Carols. The tree.

I don't tell this to too many people, but...

I once had sex with a Christmas tree.

Not a real tree.

When I was in college,
my parents had one of those...

Christmas masquerade party things.

And ah, Diana Corlock,
I think I mentioned her to you,

she brought her slutty cousin along

and she was dressed
so beautifully in a, uh...

she had the popcorn strings
around her,

and icicles, and candy cane
from both...

She was magic.

So! Up to the room.

And my mother walked in
and caught me humping a tree.

That was trouble.
And she was already mad at me

for suckin' face with the Virgin Mary
under a mistletoe.

That was a tough party.

Have you bought my present yet?
- Well, it's still a little early.

I know what I want.

Tell me.

Well, I saw you dancing
close with Lorraine.

A lot closer than I'll ever get,
but I've resigned myself to that.

And her perfume rubbed off
on you. I can smell it from here.

And?

Alan. Can I smell you?

- That's all you want for Christmas?
- Please.

- Better not try anything.
- I won't!

Just wanna drink you in a little.

And pretend.

Hmm. Oh, my.

- What's this perfume on you?
- It's from one of the go-go dancers.

Hmm. It's very good.

- Wow.
- Alan. Don't talk.

It makes it harder
to pretend you're Lorraine.

Did she say what it was,
this go-go girl?

Smell all you want, Alan,
just don't talk.

May I say just one thing
since this is my gift?

What?

Merry Christmas, Denny.

Merry Christmas, my friend.