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1
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Dewey.
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Is that what I think it is?
3
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You know the rules about animals in the house.
4
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Okay, okay, I'll get rid of it.
5
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And we can all thank Reese for the wonderful dinner
6
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he brought home from work.
7
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Oh, way to go, son.
8
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And someday, all that toner I keep bringing home
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will come in handy, too.
10
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So, what's new and exciting down
11
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- at the old meat packing plant?
- Tons.
12
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They have me back on the floor where all the action is.
13
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And they upgraded to the new Slaughter-Bot.
14
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Now it has six chainsaw arms
15
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and it doesn't get jammed on the horns anymore.
16
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You people wonder why I wake up screaming all the time.
17
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Dig in everybody!
18
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So, Malcolm, you have any exciting plans
19
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for when you're grounded this weekend?
20
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You gonna alphabetize all the stuff in your closet?
21
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Or you can update all those exciting new countries
22
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onto your globe.
23
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Hey. You could finally give the corns on your feet
24
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the attention they deserve.
25
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It's bad enough you're punishing me.
26
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You don't have to mock me while I'm so miserable.
27
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I am so happy.
28
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I'm sneaking out to a concert Friday night
29
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while Mom works the late shift.
30
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The band sucks, but I have backstage passes.
31
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And if that's even one-billionth as insane
32
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as I've always imagined it, I can die happy.
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Well..
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I couldn't eat another bite.
35
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The pay channels seem to be
36
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on an unusually low scramble tonight
37
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so, if you'll all excuse me.
38
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Dad?
39
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What's this?
40
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'This coupon entitles you to one free game night with Dad.'
41
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Let's go.
42
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Dewey, I wrote this in a blind panic in the hall closet
43
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while everyone was singing you Happy Birthday.
44
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You're not gonna hold me to this, are you?
45
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- Does it have an expiration date?
- No.
46
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Listen, I'll tell you what.
47
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In exchange for this, I'll give you two coupons
48
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good for future services.
49
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What kind of pack rat are you?
50
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Don't you ever throw anything away?
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All right, fine! Let's go.
52
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And I'll start burning through some of these free hugs.
53
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I don't need them hanging over my head.
54
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I'm sorry, Ma'am, I can't sell you that box.
55
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- It's damaged.
- I don't see any damage.
56
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Thank you for choosing Lucky Aide.
57
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Craig, I need you to cover my Friday night shift.
58
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There's a lifetime movie I want to see.
59
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Heather Locklear is a welfare mom trying to get her kids back.
60
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Friday? - I wouldn't want you to miss that, Lois.
61
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I cried my eyes out at the part where..
62
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Right. We'll talk later.
63
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Craig, how could you let her do that to you?
64
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I would have totally spilled the romance
65
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with the hunky social worker.
66
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No. Why do you let her push you around like that?
67
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She didn't even ask.
68
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She just assumed that you'd have nothing better to do
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than to pick up her crappy shifts.
70
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That's not right. She does this all the time.
71
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She takes advantage of you
72
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without any consideration of your feelings.
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Doesn't that upset you?
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I guess I am a little cheesed off.
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There you go.
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I knew you were too much of a man to let her get away with this.
77
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You're gonna show her that Craig Feldspar
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can't be pushed around.
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Thank you, Malcolm, for opening my eyes.
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You've awoken a sleeping giant, and he's very cranky.
81
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6, 7
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8, 9, 10.
83
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I win.
84
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Wow, I smoked you again, Dad.
85
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Looks like I'm just better at Life than you.
86
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Good for you, Dewey.
87
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But I hope you know that this isn't
how things work in the real world.
88
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It's very over simplified.
89
00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:53,040
I mean, you can't just break into a zoo
90
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roll a couple of elevens
91
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and suddenly become the dean of a university.
92
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I did.
93
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Son, I'm just trying to give you a life lesson here.
94
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Yes, that's my orange limo sitting at the finish line, isn't it?
95
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Interesting.
96
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Dewey goes straight to bed with no dessert.
97
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Interesting.
98
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Here's your seat, Reese, all warmed up.
99
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And a low-carb lunch just like you asked for.
100
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No, thanks. I brought my own lunch today.
101
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What?
102
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You can't have blood sausage without the blood, can you?
103
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You'd better get moving.
104
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I have science next period, and those lab stools are freezing.
105
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Is it okay if I sit here?
106
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This is on a dare, huh?
107
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If you have to touch me, I'm okay with that
108
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but I have to approve any photographs.
109
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No, it's just that I couldn't sit and watch kids
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eating the flesh of murdered animals.
111
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Is that the special?
112
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Is that why you're sitting alone?
113
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Are you a vegetarian, too?
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Yes, I am.
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The very thought of eating meat
makes my taste buds cry in disgust.
116
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- I just thought I was the only one.
- You're not alone.
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Hi. How are you?
118
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So, Craig, did you tell my mom
119
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that you couldn't cover her shift for her today?
120
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Oh, I think I did far better than that.
121
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Patience, my friend.
122
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My trap is about to spring.
123
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This stupid pen doesn't work.
124
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I was up all night scribbling with it.
125
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Watch her face as her whole world comes crumbling down.
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Okay, I didn't see that coming. But who would?
127
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That's it? That's what you did to get back at her?
128
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Relax, Malcolm. That is just the first course
129
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in my tasty menu of revenge.
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That was supposed to stick.
131
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Don't worry, her finger sponge is as dry as a bone.
132
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Dad?
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What's going on? I got your message at school.
134
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- Is everything okay?
- Everything's about to be.
135
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Have a seat.
136
00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:14,440
You pulled me out of a math test to play a game with you?
137
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This is much more important than some useless math test.
138
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I have to make sure that you understand
139
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you got lucky last time.
140
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Life won't always go your way, Dewey.
141
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And the sooner you learn that lesson, the better.
142
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Sit down.
143
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Sit.
144
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'You study hard and become an astronaut.'
145
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All right.
146
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Wha..
147
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What, what kind of lesson is this stupid game teaching you?
148
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Where's the card that tells you
149
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your hemorrhoids are not covered by your health plan, huh?
150
00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:47,040
Or would that not make a fun game?
151
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Hey, Malcolm. Did you know that henna parties were so last year?
152
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I had no clue.
153
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Craig, I just checked the schedule and it still says
154
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that you're covering for my mom Friday night.
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I thought you were going to do something about that.
156
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Oh, I think she's suffered enough.
157
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Her name tag's been on upside down all night.
158
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Craig, don't you want to be taken seriously?
159
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- I'm taken seriously.
- No, you're not.
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Especially not by my mom.
161
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She has nothing but complete and utter contempt for you.
162
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That's not true.
163
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Oh, yeah? She said the only reason
she ever makes eye contact with you
164
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is because the rest of you is too hard to look at.
165
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She did?
166
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And you think she doesn't know that her name tag's upside down?
167
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Of course she does, she just doesn't care
168
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because it was only Craig the doormat who did it.
169
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You mean nothing to her.
170
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Nothing at all. You have to stand up to her.
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For once in your life, Craig, be a man!
172
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I hate her!
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Okay, so I lied and destroyed a man so I could go to a concert.
174
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I'll get him a T-shirt.
175
00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:54,720
There. I've just got to remember third
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fourth and ninth leaves and every other tomato.
177
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I don't understand why you can't just eat vegetarian
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for one meal.
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You know I get my headaches if I go too long without meat.
180
00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:05,720
And you don't see lying to Carrie as a problem?
181
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Come on, Dewey, tell me how this is any different
182
00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:09,000
than her wearing makeup?
183
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It's not about me, it's about her fantasy of me.
184
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And I owe it to her to live up to that fantasy.
185
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Now hand me that stapler.
186
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This is amazing.
187
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Isn't it great finding someone with the same values?
188
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Exactly.
189
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We couldn't be more on the same page.
190
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Hey, give me back my hat!
191
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You want your hat back, come and get it.
192
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Oh, no!
193
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- Hey, look at those gorgeous dogs.
- Who gives a crap?
194
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I mean, except us.
195
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When is America going to finally realize
196
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that dogs are not our enemy?
197
00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:01,360
Wow, they really love you.
198
00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:04,240
Yeah. This happens all the time.
199
00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:06,800
I guess they can smell how much I really love animals.
200
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,880
Get out of here, you mangy bastards!
201
00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,520
What? What's wrong, Reese?
202
00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:18,080
Hey, you know what I realized? That is not my hat.
203
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:19,040
What are you talking about?
204
00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:21,400
Some crazy guy just shoved it on my head and took off.
205
00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:23,480
I have no idea what's inside of it!
206
00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:27,160
Oh, my God, is this bacon?
207
00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:30,320
That's not mine, I swear! I've been set up!
208
00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:32,520
And that is not my pork chop!
209
00:10:32,560 --> 00:10:35,720
Oh, my God, the conspiracy goes all the way to the top!
210
00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:47,880
What are you doing?
211
00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:49,800
Trying to instill in Dewey the values
212
00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:52,040
sadly neglected by Mr. Milton Bradley
213
00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:53,760
and those cowardly Parker Brothers.
214
00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:55,040
I mean, how are kids supposed to learn
215
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about how life really works?
216
00:10:56,880 --> 00:10:59,000
Not from that G-rated fairy tale.
217
00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:01,600
You can't just play a Join The Circus card
218
00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:03,200
and walk away scot-free.
219
00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:04,560
'Found A Tumor?'
220
00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:06,600
That takes you to the Chemo spinner.
221
00:11:07,240 --> 00:11:08,640
Oh, come on, Carrie, you've got to get over
222
00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:09,720
this vegetarian hang-up.
223
00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:11,680
You can't honestly tell me those animals were innocent.
224
00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:13,720
They were sent to the slaughterhouse for a reason.
225
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:14,720
And if you don't think they're planning
226
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some kind of uprising, you're just deluding yourself.
227
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:19,440
Hello?
228
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:22,600
She didn't have an answer to that one, did she?
229
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:27,400
Malcolm, do you know what's going on with Craig?
230
00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:28,440
No. Why?
231
00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:32,400
He left this bizarre weepy message on the answering machine.
232
00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:34,800
I mean, it's more bizarre and weepy than usual.
233
00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:36,200
Did something upset him at work?
234
00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:39,040
Oh, right. I think they switched
235
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:40,840
from cylindrical shape ice-cream scoopers
236
00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:42,120
to the conical ones.
237
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:43,440
He took it really hard.
238
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:47,720
I'm going out to play.
239
00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:51,840
Oh, sorry, son, but you are staying in to play.
240
00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:03,480
'That's him, he's the murderer!'
241
00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:06,800
- 'What? No!
- He ate my husband!'
242
00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:08,520
'He deep-fried my parents!'
243
00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:11,040
'Order! Order in the court.'
244
00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:13,520
'Let's behave like animals, people.'
245
00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:16,960
'Your Honor, the defendant is charged with 63,428'
246
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:19,120
- 'counts of murder!
- What?'
247
00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:21,160
'Each count is by the slice!'
248
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:23,320
'It's not my fault you're all so delicious!'
249
00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:25,520
'This isn't fair. Say something.'
250
00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:30,680
'That's not what you said in the hallway.'
251
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:34,320
'I didn't do anything wrong!'
252
00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:35,960
'Didn't do anything wrong?'
253
00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:38,320
'Your Honor, I'd like to present some evidence.'
254
00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:41,440
'I warn you, these photographs are extremely graphic.'
255
00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:47,800
'What? That's just my breakfast.'
256
00:12:55,160 --> 00:12:56,800
'Is anybody else getting hungry?'
257
00:12:57,200 --> 00:12:59,280
'Your Honor, the defendant obviously shows'
258
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:02,320
- 'no remorse for his crimes.
- I've heard enough.'
259
00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:04,560
'You make me sick to my stomachs.'
260
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,080
'I say he's guilty.'
261
00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:07,760
'How does the jury find?'
262
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:09,800
'Guilty!'
263
00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:12,800
'That's not fair. They're just following you like sheep.'
264
00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:16,640
'You have been found guilty by a jury of your food.'
265
00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:20,160
'I sentence you to be lightly seared and served'
266
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,760
'with a Cajun peppercorn sauce.'
267
00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:43,920
Well, Dewey, looks like you pulled
268
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:46,480
another Debilitating Depression card.
269
00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:49,560
Back to the lockdown ward for you, my friend.
270
00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:51,400
Dad, we've been playing all night.
271
00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:52,520
Can't we stop?
272
00:13:52,560 --> 00:13:55,800
That is exactly what I'm trying to teach you, son.
273
00:13:55,840 --> 00:13:58,520
You can't just quit when things get tough.
274
00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:00,160
You have to grind it out
275
00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:02,960
day after day after day
276
00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:06,400
to feed your kids, to pay your mortgage.
277
00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:09,000
That's how real life works.
278
00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:12,120
Unless, of course, you pull the Suicide card.
279
00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:15,280
But there's very few of those in the deck.
280
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:17,280
My turn.
281
00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:19,800
Oh, morning, Reese.
282
00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:21,760
I'm making sausage for breakfast, your favorite.
283
00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:23,800
No way! You can't pin that on me!
284
00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:25,920
I'm innocent! I'm innocent, you hear!
285
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:31,920
Craig, what are you doing here?
286
00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:34,600
Just stopped in to say my good-byes.
287
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:37,880
- Good-bye?
- Yup, quit my job at Lucky Aide
288
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:39,200
bought a little second-hand Vesper
289
00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:41,000
and I'm about to hit the road.
290
00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:42,000
- What?
- That's right.
291
00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:43,560
I'm going to finally fulfill my dream
292
00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:46,960
of eating a Swedish pancake in every IHOP in America.
293
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:47,840
It's only been done twice
294
00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:49,920
you know, and one of those was undocumented.
295
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:52,000
Craig, that's crazy. Why are you doing this?
296
00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:54,080
Oh, you know, it's the same old story.
297
00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:55,440
Girlfriend crowding me
298
00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:57,600
too many friends jockeying for face time.
299
00:14:57,640 --> 00:15:00,320
A man needs his freedom, Lois. What more can I say?
300
00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:02,920
Anyways, I won't be able to cover
your Friday night shift after all.
301
00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:05,440
I know this is all my fault
302
00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:07,040
but maybe this will be good for him.
303
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:09,640
He's made a realistic decision to evaluate his life.
304
00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:10,480
How can that be bad?
305
00:15:10,560 --> 00:15:13,200
I don't have much money, but I've got my banjo.
306
00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:14,960
I figure I'd pay for my meals with songs
307
00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:17,040
the kindness of strangers should take care of the rest.
308
00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:20,240
Well, then I guess it's good-bye.
309
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:22,600
You know I've never been really big on the sissy stuff
310
00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:24,520
so, I'd better just haul tush.
311
00:15:28,680 --> 00:15:29,560
Wow.
312
00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:32,920
I wasn't going to say anything until he got to the banjo stuff
313
00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:35,520
but he'll be dead before sundown.
314
00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:38,600
Mom, I think there's something you should know.
315
00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:40,640
Remember last week when you asked Craig to cover for you
316
00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:41,600
on the schedule..
317
00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:44,400
You ruined his life so you could go see some band?
318
00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:45,680
Are you that selfish?
319
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:48,640
Apparently, because there's a part of me hoping
320
00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:50,000
you'll still let me go.
321
00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:52,480
Okay, that part's gone.
322
00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:54,520
Get in the car! We got to go find him!
323
00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:01,560
Reese, I still don't understand what we're doing here.
324
00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:04,800
I've worked here all this time and I didn't understand.
325
00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:05,840
Understand what?
326
00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:08,000
That this is a crime against nature.
327
00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:09,920
Would you like to be slathered in a delicious sauce
328
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:12,480
and charbroiled to order? I don't think so.
329
00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:16,880
Woah, wait up!
330
00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:26,280
You're free! You're all free!
331
00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:27,960
Go and live your lives!
332
00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:37,440
Earn this.
333
00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:43,120
You're a hero, Reese! Look at them run!
334
00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:44,800
It's beautiful, isn't it?
335
00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:47,520
I mean, besides the flies and crap and stuff.
336
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:52,800
Oh, my God! They're heading under the freeway!
337
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:55,280
This is it, the open road.
338
00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:58,400
A great new chapter's about to be written
339
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:00,920
a new legend about to be born.
340
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:05,480
Will I travel from town to town solving crimes like Knightrider
341
00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:09,240
or administer frontier justice like the guy from Kung Fu?
342
00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:11,480
I guess we'll just have to see.
343
00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:18,880
Okay, America, get ready to meet Craig Feldspar.
344
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:21,400
Craig, wait!
345
00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:30,200
Oh, God!
346
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:35,120
Craig, are you all right?
347
00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:36,840
Craig! Craig!
348
00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:38,600
Kit, is that you?
349
00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:44,520
Just help me back on my hog. I'll be fine.
350
00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:47,480
Thanks. I'm good to go.
351
00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:49,880
Oh, Craig, don't be ridiculous. You're not going anywhere.
352
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:51,640
Why? Do you need somebody
353
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:53,920
to paint your lawn or mow your house?
354
00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:56,240
Look, Craig, Malcolm told me about that.
355
00:17:56,280 --> 00:17:58,000
I admit I take you for granted sometimes
356
00:17:58,040 --> 00:18:00,720
I apologize for that, but we can talk about that later.
357
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:02,200
You have to come back.
358
00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:03,400
I can't.
359
00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:05,280
Why? Craig, come on.
360
00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:08,000
Aren't you interested at all to see how my mom punishes me?
361
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:10,080
- No.
- Why not?
362
00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:13,520
Because for the last 12 years, I've dedicated my life
363
00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:16,080
to a relationship that can't exist.
364
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:18,600
I can't go back to that.
365
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,880
Craig, what do you want from me?
366
00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:23,480
I want more!
367
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:25,600
I'm sorry. I can't give you more.
368
00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:26,760
You know that.
369
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,400
There's got to be something.
370
00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:31,480
There's got to be some scenario where you could see us together.
371
00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:32,600
Please?
372
00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:33,520
Anything!
373
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:44,520
Okay, this is the only universe this could possibly exist in.
374
00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:48,640
I'm 90 years old.
375
00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:49,760
Hal is dead.
376
00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:51,560
I have dementia and I need someone to keep me
377
00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:53,320
from catching myself on fire.
378
00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:54,440
There's no money for a nurse
379
00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:57,920
the kids won't do it, and I'm asleep 22 hours a day.
380
00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:01,800
Then and only then maybe could we be together.
381
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:08,520
It's like you're reading straight out of my diary.
382
00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:18,600
6, 7, 8.
383
00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:23,120
I win!
384
00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:27,440
Wow.
385
00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:30,600
I got to tell you, Dad
386
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:32,520
I really thought this was just going to be
387
00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:35,040
another one of your stupid, useless lessons
388
00:19:35,120 --> 00:19:36,080
like the time you made us nurse
389
00:19:36,120 --> 00:19:37,920
that rabid squirrel back to health.
390
00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:40,520
But this one really worked.
391
00:19:41,440 --> 00:19:42,480
I can't believe it
392
00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:46,080
but I really learned some valuable things about life
393
00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:48,640
and about how the world really works.
394
00:19:50,360 --> 00:19:51,520
Thank you.
395
00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:56,360
That's loser talk!
396
00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:59,080
- What?
- I am living in Successful Estates
397
00:19:59,120 --> 00:20:03,000
while you are being buried in a piano box!
398
00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:06,720
In your face, drug addict!
399
00:20:06,760 --> 00:20:08,360
Hotcha! I won!
400
00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:10,600
I won! Oh, yes, indeed, I won!
401
00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:13,200
I won, I won, I won!
30003
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