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1
00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:09,520
- Any second now. You a JFK fan,
Steven?
2
00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:12,440
You have any strong opinions about his
assassination?
- No.
3
00:00:12,440 --> 00:00:15,680
Though I do know, due to the actions
of one skinny loser,
4
00:00:15,680 --> 00:00:19,280
I'm here yet again voicing another
bullshit conspiracy theory.
5
00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:21,680
- Well, according to this Mirrornek
guy, it was his wife.
6
00:00:21,680 --> 00:00:23,200
- I couldn't give two fucks.
7
00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:24,640
How many words is this?
8
00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:27,040
- Hello, Steven, this is Clem
Fandango, can you hear me?
9
00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:28,920
- How many words, Clem Fandango?
10
00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:30,560
- About 100,000 words.
11
00:00:30,560 --> 00:00:33,080
- Phew, that's a lot of bullshit.
12
00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:34,800
- He's very angry today.
- Yeah.
13
00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:36,320
- What's with this laptop?
14
00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:38,040
He's not going to join us, is he? Is
he?
15
00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:40,360
- Sorry to interrupt, Steven, Sola
Mirrornek is about
16
00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:41,760
to join us from Dallas.
- Why?
17
00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:43,600
- Just wants to keep an eye on things.
18
00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:47,000
He's going to appear on the laptop in
front of you.
19
00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:49,200
- He should be there now.
- Yes.
20
00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:52,360
- Steven Toast, meet Sola.
- Yeah, hello.
21
00:00:52,360 --> 00:00:55,840
- What?
- Hello, Sola, this is Clem Fandango,
can you hear me?
22
00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:58,320
- Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.
23
00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:00,160
- Brilliant. Let's start.
24
00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:01,440
In your own time, Steven.
25
00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:06,760
- The...
26
00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:08,320
- All right, hold it, hold it.
27
00:01:08,320 --> 00:01:11,800
I just need to stop you there.
- No problem. What is it, Sola?
28
00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:13,800
- Did he say "duh"?
29
00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:17,200
- No, he didn't. He said "the".
30
00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:20,200
- Huh. Sounded to me like duh.
31
00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:22,440
I don't know, maybe it's his English
accent.
32
00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:26,160
And can I also say, just for the
record, the idea of an English actor
33
00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:29,400
reading this came from my publisher,
not from me.
34
00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:31,960
I need to make that totally clear, I
hated the idea.
35
00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:34,960
- OK, still rolling.
36
00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:40,800
- The idea...
- You know what?
37
00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:45,120
Now that I hear it, I'm not so sure.
38
00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:47,880
I never really liked that first
sentence, I might do a...
39
00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:49,160
I might do a quick rewrite.
40
00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:52,720
This is bullshit.
41
00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:54,080
- I lost my train of thought.
42
00:01:56,720 --> 00:01:57,800
Forget it, forget it.
43
00:01:57,800 --> 00:02:00,080
It's probably OK as it is, keep going.
44
00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:01,120
Action.
45
00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:06,240
The idea that John F Kennedy...
46
00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:07,920
Alarm bells.
47
00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:10,520
There's a touch of cynicism in his
voice. You guys hear that too?
48
00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:12,520
- Cynicism?
- And another thing,
49
00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:15,600
I heard what you said about Oswald
being a lone assassin.
50
00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:17,760
Only an asshole would believe that!
51
00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:21,880
So, if you don't mind, I'd rather you
kept your personal prejudices
52
00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:24,200
to yourself, you got that?
53
00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:26,560
- OK, Steven, you want to make a note
of that?
54
00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:28,280
- Yeah, I'll make a note of that.
55
00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:34,680
The idea that John F Kennedy was
killed by a single assassin
56
00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:38,720
is not only an impossibility, it's
also bullshit.
57
00:02:38,720 --> 00:02:40,360
- Wait a second, wait a second -
58
00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:42,760
are you serious, is this guy a real
actor?
59
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,080
- There, there.
60
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:24,720
- I should hate him.
61
00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:26,960
But actually, I miss him terribly!
62
00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:31,360
- Have another tissue, Sue.
63
00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:33,000
- Won't you run out?
64
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:36,480
- I always have lots of tissues for
distressed clients.
65
00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:41,880
- What's the matter with her?
66
00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:46,800
- Ah, Toast, this is Sue Pipkins,
she's just joined the agency.
67
00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:49,360
- Why is she weeping?
- Her husband left her.
68
00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:52,600
- What, today?
- Six weeks ago.
69
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:56,080
- Six weeks ago? Are you fucking
kidding? Is that it?
70
00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:58,120
You could have got remarried in that
time.
71
00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:00,560
To be honest, I'm not surprised your
husband left you
72
00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:01,800
with all this blubbering.
73
00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:03,720
- Shut up, Toast.
74
00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:06,040
Oh, I'm so sorry, Sue!
75
00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:07,600
- Sorry, Sue.
76
00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:09,080
- Really, Toast!
77
00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:13,360
Why are you so angry all the time?
78
00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:14,800
- What do you want, Jane?
79
00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:17,080
- I have tremendous news.
80
00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:21,440
I finally heard back from the Sam
Mendes people.
- Who?
81
00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:24,400
- Sam Mendes, famous film director.
82
00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:25,760
- And?
83
00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:29,920
- I'm afraid you didn't get the part
of the agoraphobic fighter pilot.
84
00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:32,480
- That audition was 15 years ago,
Jane.
85
00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:35,520
- But I've had another enquiry about
you -
86
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:38,480
more reality TV, could be a
money-spinner.
87
00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:40,800
- Never again.
- Why not?
88
00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:52,560
Shit.
89
00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:54,400
Broken neck.
90
00:04:59,160 --> 00:05:02,760
- Ah, yes. Strictly no dancing.
91
00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:05,840
- Strictly Come Dancing, Jane.
92
00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:09,280
What kind of dancing show would it be
without any dancing on it?
93
00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:13,040
- I've no idea.
- To be honest, I'll not sure why it's
called Come Dancing.
94
00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:16,080
Hopefully it's nothing to do with the
Strictly curse, what?
95
00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:17,400
- May I remind you, Toast,
96
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:20,520
that the cash you earned from Strictly
prevented you
97
00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:24,280
from gripping the oak and spending two
years at Her Majesty's,
98
00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:25,960
and what thanks do I get?
99
00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:28,280
Do you know what you are, Toast?
100
00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:31,160
You're a
101
00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:32,720
Jane!
102
00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:34,120
- No other word for it, I'm afraid.
103
00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:38,400
- Yes?
104
00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:40,640
Great!
105
00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:42,000
Brilliant news!
106
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:44,560
I didn't want to say anything until
it'd been confirmed,
107
00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:46,520
and now it has been.
- What has?
108
00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:48,240
- Do you remember a man telling you
109
00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:51,720
to keep your voice down in Tesco's
last week?
110
00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:54,240
- Yes, some soppy Yank carrying a
small dog.
111
00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:57,560
- That soppy yank, as you call him,
was Neil Doubledecker,
112
00:05:57,560 --> 00:06:01,520
who happens to be a top Hollywood
producer.
- Who cares?
113
00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:05,520
All these British actors obsessed with
working in America.
114
00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:08,240
If you're in a shit show, it doesn't
matter where you film it,
115
00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:10,160
you may as well be in your own bed.
116
00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:14,760
- Neil Doubledecker is interested in
you for a role in his new movie.
117
00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:18,360
- Oh, right. So when can I meet this
Doubledecker?
118
00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:20,840
- "DOOB-ledecker". He thinks you're
absolutely brilliant.
119
00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:24,640
I showed him your showreel, he was
literally bowled over.
- Fantastic.
120
00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:28,160
- He thinks you're the best actor he's
ever seen anywhere,
121
00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:30,920
and that if you were to appear in one
of his films,
122
00:06:30,920 --> 00:06:35,240
you could almost certainly win a
Critics' Choice Award.
123
00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:37,440
- Well, that sounds great.
- It does, doesn't it?
124
00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:40,560
It's utterly marvellous! Your big
break at last, Toast.
125
00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:42,520
At last!
- Yeah!
126
00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:44,960
- There is, however, one small
obstacle in the way,
127
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:47,640
there's another actor who Doubledecker
thinks is
128
00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:48,920
equally as good as you.
129
00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:52,560
In fact, he thinks this actor may be
slightly better.
- Ugh, no.
130
00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:56,160
- He has to choose between you and...
131
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:00,960
Who?!
132
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:21,760
Ray bloody Purchase?!
133
00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:24,400
- Never mind. Let's assume you'll get
the gig.
134
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:26,400
This could actually be an opportune
time for you
135
00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:28,000
to depart to the US of A.
136
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:29,640
Talking of Americans,
137
00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:32,840
how did you get on with that author,
Sola Mirrornek?
138
00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:34,760
- I'll tell you how I got on with him,
139
00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:38,320
that bastard had the audacity to ask
whether I was a professional actor.
140
00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:40,000
- Well, are you?
- What?!
141
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:43,280
- Look, Toast, it's between you and
Purchase.
142
00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:46,040
You'd better make sure you do a
brilliant audition.
143
00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:47,480
- Audition?!
144
00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:27,600
- He is terribly, terribly angry, all
the time.
145
00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:30,520
- Yes, Jane, he really is terribly
angry.
146
00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:33,000
Maybe we should organise some kind of
intervention?
147
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,800
- I'm actually thinking I may send him
to a doctor.
148
00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:39,800
Yes, India?
- Toast's on his way up.
- Ugh.
149
00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:43,000
He's here, Ed. Better hang up.
150
00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:47,680
Ah, Toast.
151
00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:54,000
Look, Toast, I'll come straight to the
point - do you think,
152
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:59,200
both as an actor and a human being,
you've turned into an angry
153
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:02,240
and unreasonable piece of shit?
154
00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:04,600
- That's a bit strong, isn't it, Jane?
155
00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:08,200
Your language really has become
increasingly fruity.
156
00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:10,080
I'm no more angry than I've ever been.
157
00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:11,960
- Several people have mentioned it.
158
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:14,200
- Like who?
- Idris Elba.
159
00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:15,440
- Who?
160
00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:18,080
- Your peculiar flatmate, Ed.
161
00:09:18,080 --> 00:09:22,160
And there's an article about it in The
Stage.
162
00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:25,200
Luckily, it's The Stage and only
actors read that,
163
00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:27,680
in the way that only gardeners read
The Garden.
164
00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:29,360
- The Guardian.
165
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:32,240
- No, The Garden, gardening magazine.
166
00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:34,200
Look, Toast, I've been thinking,
167
00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:36,600
I really think you need to see a
doctor.
168
00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:37,840
- I don't trust doctors.
169
00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:41,200
Last time I had a bad back, he told me
to join a choir.
- He what?
170
00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:44,520
- The doctor told me I should go to
choir practicer.
171
00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:47,720
- Well, maybe he meant a chiropractor?
172
00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:50,240
- A what?!
- Something to do with backs.
173
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:52,880
Look, Toast, I'm going to book you the
appointment.
174
00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:55,280
I just need to get you through this
audition tomorrow.
175
00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:57,720
Be very calm, very polite.
- Yes.
176
00:09:57,720 --> 00:10:01,080
- You keep that famous Toast anger
under control, alrighty?
177
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:04,240
- Yes?
178
00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:07,560
Thanks for letting me know.
179
00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:15,120
- What's the matter with you, Jane?
180
00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:17,960
You've got a face like a slapped arse.
- Bad news, I'm afraid.
181
00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:21,080
The producer's just offered the role
to Ray Purchase.
- What?!
182
00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:23,600
- Apparently Ray went in there, did
his best Cary Grant,
183
00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:25,960
charmed them all, got offered the job
on the spot.
184
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:29,160
Perhaps Doubledecker knows about your
temper?
185
00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:55,200
- # Ray... #
186
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:57,800
- Hello, George. Francis, how's life?
187
00:10:57,800 --> 00:10:59,440
- Ugh, you're kidding.
188
00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:01,040
- Just the usual, please.
189
00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:04,120
Hold back on the water, I know what
you're like.
190
00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:05,880
Oh.
191
00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:09,160
Sorry, Toast, I didn't notice you
there.
192
00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:11,360
I was just about to phone you, as it
happens.
193
00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:16,200
Bad luck, losing out on that
career-changing Hollywood movie gig.
194
00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:26,160
The word is you lost out
195
00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:29,320
because they heard you have a bit of
an anger issue.
196
00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:31,080
Anyway.
197
00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:32,360
No hard feelings.
198
00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:40,560
And don't worry about that 50 you owe
me,
199
00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:42,240
whenever you've got it, it's fine.
200
00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:46,480
In fact, look, here's another 50.
201
00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:53,560
I haven't been around for a while,
Toast, I expect you've noticed.
202
00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:55,520
- No.
203
00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:59,320
- In fact, something really serious
happened.
204
00:11:59,320 --> 00:12:00,840
I reached...
205
00:12:02,560 --> 00:12:04,040
..peak anger.
206
00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:05,320
- Peak anger?
207
00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:07,560
- Yes, peak anger.
208
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,520
I figured I should do something about
it
209
00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:13,040
so I booked myself into this
countryside retreat.
210
00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:15,600
Yoga, meditation, that kind of thing.
- Ha!
211
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:18,880
- Run by a fantastic chap called Des
Wigwam.
212
00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:22,760
Who specialises in anger management.
213
00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:24,040
- Yeah, I'll bet.
214
00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:26,600
- Smashing guy, super people there.
215
00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:28,400
Anyway, now I feel...
216
00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:32,200
..not angry any more.
217
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:35,920
I'm a whole new "Ray Purchase".
218
00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:38,200
- Why are you doing quotation marks
with your fingers?
219
00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:39,320
You are Ray Purchase.
220
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:47,120
- I suppose I'm the new "improved" Ray
Purchase.
- Spare me.
221
00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:50,400
- Toast, after what happened,
222
00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:53,360
I think you should go and see this
Wigwam guy.
223
00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:55,360
Here, look, I'll give you his card.
224
00:12:57,440 --> 00:13:00,520
I feel...great.
225
00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:03,080
- I feel terrible.
226
00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:07,120
Your name looks familiar.
227
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:09,200
Do you ever get confused with...?
228
00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:10,440
- Dr Harold Shipman?
229
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:13,000
Thankfully, I'm not him.
230
00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:16,880
No, luckily I dodged a bullet on that
front. My name's Shitman.
231
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,160
Dr Harold Shitman.
232
00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:20,520
Please take a seat.
233
00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:25,840
Your blood pressure's dangerously
high, you're not breathing freely
234
00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:27,800
and there's a serious risk of heart
failure.
235
00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:30,040
- I'm not a doctor, what does all that
mean?
236
00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:32,280
- It means you need to change your
lifestyle.
237
00:13:32,280 --> 00:13:33,640
You're an actor, aren't you?
238
00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:37,520
I saw the piece in The Stage about you
being very angry.
239
00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:39,520
- I thought only...
- Actors read that?
240
00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:42,720
The way only doctors read The Doctor's
Surgery?
241
00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:45,680
Well, I'm an actor and a doctor.
- Oh.
242
00:13:45,680 --> 00:13:47,880
- There's a place in the country
people go to,
243
00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:49,560
run by a smashing chap called...
244
00:13:49,560 --> 00:13:52,080
- Les Tepee?
- No. Des Wigwam.
245
00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:53,640
- That's what I meant.
246
00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:55,360
- Let me give you his card.
247
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:02,480
- He said my blood pressure is
dangerously high,
248
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:06,960
I'm not breathing freely and there's a
high risk of heart failure.
249
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:08,840
- I'm not a doctor, what does all that
mean?
250
00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:10,720
- It's not good, apparently.
251
00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:12,040
- I have an idea, Toast.
252
00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:15,240
Something that might interest you.
253
00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:18,800
- Well, she looks charming enough
254
00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:22,680
but I fear I may come a cropper with
the old dicky ticker.
255
00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:25,800
No, there is another place people keep
telling me about,
256
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:30,880
an anger management unit run by a chap
called Chris Marquee.
257
00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:33,600
Or was it Rob Scout Hut? Something
like that.
258
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,680
- Do you mean Des Wigwam?
- That's it.
259
00:14:35,680 --> 00:14:38,600
- I've heard he's very good. You
should go there, Toast.
260
00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:40,920
You've been on edge a lot lately.
- Yeah, I have.
261
00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:44,080
Who the fuck is that?
262
00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:47,480
And what kind of arsehole would call
now, when we're having our tea?
263
00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:48,880
Answer me that?
264
00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:50,760
You can't, Ed, can you? You can't!
265
00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:57,360
- Looks like peak anger.
266
00:14:57,360 --> 00:14:59,000
- I think I need help.
267
00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:20,480
How far is this bloody place?
268
00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:28,040
Bloody situation this is, I don't even
want to bloody be here.
269
00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:32,040
- That was me, just two years ago.
270
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:35,240
And this is me today.
271
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:43,080
- That's what my anger led me to,
alcohol.
272
00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:44,840
Homelessness.
273
00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:47,400
A shitty attitude.
274
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:49,440
But I turned my life around.
275
00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:52,760
And you can too.
276
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:57,040
People ask me, "Why, Des, why?"
277
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:58,800
I say, "Who?"
278
00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:00,280
They say, "What?"
279
00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:02,720
- Oh, I don't believe it.
- What?
280
00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:06,480
- That's Steven Toast, he was
incredibly rude to me.
- Why?
281
00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:08,480
- My husband had just left me,
282
00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:10,520
so I had a breakdown,
283
00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:13,720
Toast was totally unsympathetic.
284
00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:17,360
- I read he was one of the most angry
people in show business.
285
00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:19,160
A real piece of shit.
286
00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:23,120
- OK. For the first exercise today,
287
00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:26,040
I'd like you all to just walk around
the room.
288
00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:27,640
- Oh, God.
289
00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:30,280
- Come on, start walking.
290
00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:32,320
Nice and slow.
291
00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:34,840
Very good, very good.
292
00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:37,360
OK, everybody, stop.
293
00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:39,640
Look at the person closest to you.
294
00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:43,560
Look closely at this person.
295
00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:48,600
How does he or she make you feel?
296
00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:50,960
What do you think?
297
00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:53,320
Steven?
298
00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:57,840
- Oh, erm...
299
00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:00,120
I feel nothing but utter contempt.
300
00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:04,680
Disgust, horror, hatred,
301
00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:07,240
even looking at her makes me feel
physically sick.
302
00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:12,080
- OK, don't say the words out loud.
303
00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:13,520
- Right.
304
00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:15,800
- How do you feel about that, Sue?
305
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:22,600
Shit.
306
00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:23,880
- OK.
307
00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:26,800
That didn't go according to plan.
308
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:27,880
It's early days.
309
00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:30,240
Right, Steven?
310
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:45,200
I can honestly say I I've never felt
less angry in my entire life.
311
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:47,080
- It took a while with you, Toast.
312
00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:50,760
You were a particularly difficult
case, but we got there in the end.
313
00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:54,360
- Well, I have to thank you. Thank
you, Des Wigwam.
314
00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:59,360
- It's what we do. You see, we close
down all your emotions.
315
00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:03,360
You'll never get angry again. But
neither will you feel anything else.
316
00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:08,120
Happiness, relief, satisfaction, love,
contentment, sorrow or pain.
317
00:19:08,120 --> 00:19:10,320
- Well, you kept that quiet.
- Did I?
318
00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:12,040
Well, you must be furious with me.
319
00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:15,760
- No, I feel absolutely nothing.
320
00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:16,800
- Great.
321
00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:18,400
You are now anger-free.
322
00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:24,520
Just one final thing - you will feel
copious amounts of guilt.
323
00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:27,520
- Well, it's interesting you say that,
the first thing I'll do
324
00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:30,480
when I get home is I'm going to
apologise to every single person
325
00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:32,200
I've ever been rude to.
326
00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:34,400
- Good luck, Toast.
327
00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:05,280
- I've forgotten my case.
- Yeah, it's just there.
328
00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:06,720
Annoyed?
329
00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:08,720
- Not at all.
- Great.
330
00:20:16,360 --> 00:20:19,480
- The first person I'm going to
apologise to is Purchase.
331
00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:22,240
Now, I know we've had our differences
in the past but I happen
332
00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:26,640
to think he's an all-right guy and I'm
sure the feeling's mutual.
333
00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:28,640
You'll see.
334
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:30,760
- I'm obviously going to be very
famous!
335
00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:32,960
And make lots and lots of money!
336
00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:42,840
Darling, I'm in a particularly good
mood.
337
00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:45,240
What's say we spend the afternoon...
338
00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:50,400
- Oh, not now, Ray.
339
00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:58,240
- Purchase.
340
00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:01,240
- Hi, Ray, me old pal, it's Toast.
341
00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:05,120
Yes, I'd like to apologise for being
rude to you over the years and
342
00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:09,360
not to mention, feeling extremely
guilty for making love to your wife.
343
00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:12,360
In your bed, sometimes when you've
been in the house
344
00:21:12,360 --> 00:21:14,440
and sometimes when you've been in the
bed.
345
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:16,760
Every week for the past 20 years.
346
00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:20,520
So, sorry chap, and all the best! Ha!
347
00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:27,560
- What's the matter, Ray?
348
00:21:27,560 --> 00:21:29,080
- # Ray... #
349
00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:34,240
- Toast said he's been making love to
you
350
00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:35,600
in our bed
351
00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:38,600
every week for the last 20 years.
352
00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:40,240
- Really?
353
00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:43,040
Hmm. I don't remember that.
354
00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:46,000
- He's probably mistaken you for
someone else.
355
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:49,160
I know you're completely innocent, my
darling.
356
00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:51,640
But on the off chance that he is
telling the truth...
357
00:21:53,560 --> 00:21:55,680
..I need to teach Toast a lesson!
358
00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:02,360
- Oh, honestly, Ray, you should be in
a terrific mood after being
359
00:22:02,360 --> 00:22:04,360
offered a role in that Hollywood
movie.
360
00:22:04,360 --> 00:22:07,320
But you look like you're suddenly
getting angry again.
361
00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:10,040
I wonder if there's anything about it
in the small print?
362
00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:12,280
Oh, there it is.
363
00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:16,120
In tiny, tiny letters,
364
00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:18,360
"Normal emotions may return if the
365
00:22:18,360 --> 00:22:22,440
"patient is reminded of a previous
trauma or hears some bad news."
366
00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:26,200
- I'm going out!
367
00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:41,000
So, Jane, I've decided to meet lots of
people in the Colonial later.
368
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:44,360
I'm going to apologise to every man
Jack and woman Jack
369
00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:46,600
of them individually.
370
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:48,840
- I'm here, Toast.
371
00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:49,920
- Oh, yes.
372
00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:54,560
That should cover it.
- Thanks, Toast.
373
00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:56,000
- Sorry for everything, Ian.
374
00:22:57,040 --> 00:22:58,080
Now for this lot.
375
00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:03,280
I say, thank you all for coming.
376
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:09,560
I owe each one of you a sincere
apology for my anger over the years.
377
00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:13,320
I'm actually getting quite emotional.
378
00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:15,040
- Keep it together, Toast.
379
00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:16,960
You're making a tomfool of yourself.
380
00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:18,640
- Yes, you're right, Blair.
381
00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:21,920
- By the way, Toast, you owe me £200.
382
00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:27,560
- Well, I've given all my cash to Ian,
to pay my bar tab.
383
00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:29,680
- Bar tab?!
384
00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:32,960
Toast, the only reason all of us are
here tonight
385
00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:35,960
in this bugger house is because we
thought you
386
00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:38,000
were going to repay our loans.
387
00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:41,120
That's the only reason we're here.
388
00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:44,120
Now, what say you, sir?
389
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:52,040
- Good Lord.
390
00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:55,360
You'll be lucky.
391
00:23:55,360 --> 00:23:57,360
- By my reckoning,
392
00:23:57,360 --> 00:24:01,840
I'd say I'm the only man in this room
that owes you, Toast.
393
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:03,320
This.
394
00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:05,520
It's for making love to my wife
395
00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:06,880
in my bed,
396
00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:08,960
sometimes when I was in the house,
397
00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:11,800
actually, sometimes even when I was in
the bed!
398
00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:13,280
For the last 20...
399
00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:18,880
- Oh, yeah! Come on, Purchase, ruck in
there!
400
00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:19,920
- Knock him out!
401
00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:24,520
- What have you got, Toast?
402
00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:25,680
Oh, my goodness.
403
00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:30,560
Purchase!
404
00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:33,360
Come on, Purchase!
405
00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:40,880
All right, gentlemen, £20 on the man
in the moustache.
406
00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:01,000
God, not in the knackers.
407
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:07,360
Oh, my giddy Aunt Sally!
408
00:25:07,360 --> 00:25:09,640
- That'll teach you, Ray bloody
Purchase.
409
00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:13,560
- Champagne, sir?
410
00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:16,320
It's an 1841 Veuve Clicquot.
411
00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:17,720
- I'll bet it is!
412
00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:19,160
- There you go, sir.
413
00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:26,200
Jane? I'm safely on the plane.
414
00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:28,840
Away from the baying mob.
415
00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:31,480
Can you believe they only turned up to
collect money off me?
416
00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:33,840
- Ha! Saved in the nick of time.
417
00:25:33,840 --> 00:25:36,920
Now, let me give you some more details
about the terrific
418
00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:38,800
stroke of luck you've had.
419
00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:41,080
With Purchase now out of the picture,
420
00:25:41,080 --> 00:25:44,280
I immediately contacted Doubledecker
to say you were still
421
00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:45,520
very much available.
422
00:25:45,520 --> 00:25:48,800
He said yes immediately, they're even
paying for your flight.
423
00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:52,680
- Ha! Thank God for Doubledecker.
- "DOOB-ledecker".
424
00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:57,120
And hooray for Hollywood, you're going
to Tinseltown, Toast.
425
00:25:57,120 --> 00:25:58,720
Can you believe it?
426
00:25:58,720 --> 00:26:00,320
- How's Ray Purchase?
427
00:26:00,320 --> 00:26:02,240
- Two broken legs and a badly sprained
neck,
428
00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:03,840
he'll be out of action for months.
429
00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:06,680
- Two broken legs, fantastic!
430
00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:10,840
Everything's worked out dandy, Jane,
just dandy.
431
00:26:10,840 --> 00:26:12,920
- Have a nice day! Ha!
432
00:26:12,920 --> 00:26:17,680
- I almost forgot, what's the name of
the movie that I'm going to be in?
433
00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:19,800
- The latest Star Wars movie.
434
00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:23,160
You've heard of the Star Wars, I take
it?
435
00:26:23,160 --> 00:26:24,920
- Yes, Jane,
436
00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:27,160
even I've heard Star Wars.
437
00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:29,840
- Excuse me, buddy? I think you're in
my seat.
438
00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:33,920
- Oh, yes.
439
00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:35,040
Apologies, old chap.
440
00:26:38,840 --> 00:26:40,240
Toast.
441
00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:42,600
Steven Toast.
442
00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:44,520
- I'm Nightlife.
443
00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:46,440
Russ Nightlife.
444
00:26:46,440 --> 00:26:47,800
Pleased to meet you.
33718
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