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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,637 --> 00:00:06,187 - And a two, three 2 00:00:06,187 --> 00:00:09,647 (keyboard music plays) 3 00:00:09,647 --> 00:00:10,477 - Frank 4 00:00:12,002 --> 00:00:13,202 Frank! 5 00:00:13,202 --> 00:00:18,122 (presses keyboard buttons and music changes) 6 00:00:18,122 --> 00:00:18,962 - Get out. 7 00:00:19,855 --> 00:00:22,205 - No, we're rehearsing for the Local Aid concert. 8 00:00:22,209 --> 00:00:24,509 It's like Live Aid but erm, instead of feeding people 9 00:00:24,510 --> 00:00:26,000 in Africa we're raising money to 10 00:00:25,998 --> 00:00:28,078 get rid of the traffic lights in the town. 11 00:00:28,082 --> 00:00:30,092 - [Eamon] I'm all for local causes, didn't I give 12 00:00:30,085 --> 00:00:31,535 a load of money towards the burning down of 13 00:00:31,538 --> 00:00:32,528 that building full of books in the town. 14 00:00:32,534 --> 00:00:34,064 - [Noreen] Come on everyone, let's go round to mine 15 00:00:34,055 --> 00:00:35,975 I'm thinking of doing a swimsuit edition of 16 00:00:35,983 --> 00:00:37,333 the parish newsletter. 17 00:00:37,333 --> 00:00:38,313 - [Concepta] (laughs) 18 00:00:38,311 --> 00:00:40,721 - No, no one's going anywhere. Eamon, you don't want 19 00:00:40,722 --> 00:00:41,902 to do anything anymore. 20 00:00:41,897 --> 00:00:43,607 - That's why I got married. 21 00:00:43,605 --> 00:00:47,225 - [Bridget] No, no, no, no. It's more than that you're... 22 00:00:47,232 --> 00:00:48,072 You're... 23 00:00:49,410 --> 00:00:51,120 - Go on, say it. 24 00:00:51,117 --> 00:00:51,947 - Eamon you're-- 25 00:00:51,950 --> 00:00:54,180 - Don't Bridget, it's what he wants. 26 00:00:54,184 --> 00:00:55,534 - How do you know what I want? 27 00:00:55,534 --> 00:00:56,374 Say it. 28 00:00:59,367 --> 00:01:00,517 - Eamon you're no craic 29 00:01:00,523 --> 00:01:02,373 - [Concepta] Oh god! 30 00:01:02,374 --> 00:01:03,894 (keyboard noises) 31 00:01:03,890 --> 00:01:05,370 - Sorry I... 32 00:01:05,369 --> 00:01:06,419 - You're no craic 33 00:01:06,418 --> 00:01:07,248 (keyboard noises again) 34 00:01:07,251 --> 00:01:08,321 - [Eamon] Frank! 35 00:01:08,319 --> 00:01:11,819 (upbeat electronic music) 36 00:01:30,515 --> 00:01:33,655 - [Eamon] Ginger hair dye? That's strange 37 00:01:33,663 --> 00:01:35,503 who's dying their hair ginger? 38 00:01:35,504 --> 00:01:38,304 Think! I've got it. I could ask Bridget, 39 00:01:38,297 --> 00:01:41,107 hold on a second that would involve talking to her 40 00:01:41,108 --> 00:01:44,318 no forget that, why not go watch some TV 41 00:01:44,321 --> 00:01:46,381 and shout at her to get you some food. 42 00:01:46,375 --> 00:01:47,645 Yes! 43 00:01:47,648 --> 00:01:50,648 (slams down bottle) 44 00:01:52,064 --> 00:01:53,954 - Where's me dinner? 45 00:01:53,948 --> 00:01:54,868 - It's 10AM 46 00:01:56,080 --> 00:01:58,660 - AM, since when did you start using AM and PM 47 00:01:58,664 --> 00:02:00,124 Get me me dinner. 48 00:02:00,116 --> 00:02:01,016 - For what? 49 00:02:01,015 --> 00:02:02,305 - What do you mean for what? I'm clearing me diary 50 00:02:02,314 --> 00:02:04,324 the telly's not going to watch itself. 51 00:02:04,317 --> 00:02:05,857 - (laughs) 52 00:02:05,862 --> 00:02:07,452 - Get me me dinner! 53 00:02:12,039 --> 00:02:13,759 - [Advert] Rock Flute larger, for when you want 54 00:02:13,756 --> 00:02:15,586 your flute as hard as a rock. 55 00:02:15,589 --> 00:02:18,239 Lads, who wants a pint of Rock Flute? 56 00:02:18,243 --> 00:02:20,993 Rock Flute larger, non-alcoholic. 57 00:02:21,949 --> 00:02:24,529 (adverts fade) 58 00:02:28,478 --> 00:02:32,148 (flashbacks of irish music) 59 00:02:33,388 --> 00:02:36,308 (irish rock music) 60 00:02:43,948 --> 00:02:47,228 - (shouting) I had a nightmare Bridget! Bridget! 61 00:02:47,233 --> 00:02:50,383 - Play your song Eamon, from the ad Rock Flute larger 62 00:02:50,375 --> 00:02:52,265 when you want your flute as hard as a rock. 63 00:02:52,274 --> 00:02:53,734 - Non-alcoholic. 64 00:02:53,733 --> 00:02:56,733 (shouts) NOOOOOOOOO 65 00:02:57,582 --> 00:02:59,612 (White noise from TV) 66 00:02:59,611 --> 00:03:01,941 - (humming) 67 00:03:03,994 --> 00:03:05,494 I'm thinking of using some of the 68 00:03:05,494 --> 00:03:07,864 local aid money to upgrade to confession box in the church. 69 00:03:07,864 --> 00:03:11,784 Did somebody say built-in stand-up sunbeds? 70 00:03:11,781 --> 00:03:12,611 - What was that? 71 00:03:12,614 --> 00:03:14,014 - Oh just a bit of a sashay, 72 00:03:14,011 --> 00:03:15,451 it's very good for the calf muscles. 73 00:03:15,447 --> 00:03:17,177 - No, what was that song you were humming? 74 00:03:17,175 --> 00:03:21,485 - Oh everyone is singing it, and I mean EVERYONE 75 00:03:21,491 --> 00:03:23,891 and by that I mean some people are, 76 00:03:23,894 --> 00:03:26,564 it's from that new TV ad for Rock Flute larger. 77 00:03:26,558 --> 00:03:29,668 When you need your flute as hard as a rock, non-alcoholic. 78 00:03:29,673 --> 00:03:32,443 And now it's shot straight into the music charts, 79 00:03:32,444 --> 00:03:34,284 top 200 at number 199. 80 00:03:35,254 --> 00:03:36,524 - Shite. 81 00:03:36,524 --> 00:03:37,544 - What? 82 00:03:37,537 --> 00:03:39,767 - I knew this would happen one day. 83 00:03:39,769 --> 00:03:42,029 He's coming and when he comes, 84 00:03:42,028 --> 00:03:43,868 we're all going to know about it. 85 00:03:43,867 --> 00:03:46,297 Or whoever's in the room at the time. 86 00:03:46,298 --> 00:03:48,128 - Eamon, do you mean-- 87 00:03:49,790 --> 00:03:52,010 - Maurice Mallumphy. 88 00:03:52,006 --> 00:03:54,036 - [Maurice] Thank you! Hello, I see some very 89 00:03:54,043 --> 00:03:57,713 special people here this evening (laughs) 90 00:03:57,708 --> 00:04:00,468 Eamon, how long has it been? 91 00:04:00,474 --> 00:04:01,924 - [Eamon] 50 years but who's counting? 92 00:04:01,918 --> 00:04:05,378 - Not you anyway, neither of us are 50 years old 93 00:04:05,376 --> 00:04:10,086 unless last time we met was before we were born (laughs) 94 00:04:10,085 --> 00:04:12,755 - 11 years, two months, three weeks and four days. 95 00:04:12,763 --> 00:04:15,673 Or something like that, I don't know. 96 00:04:15,674 --> 00:04:17,944 - I let myself in, I hope you don't mind. 97 00:04:17,937 --> 00:04:22,597 Which was actually the name of my 14th studio cassette album 98 00:04:22,595 --> 00:04:24,945 that one was banned in Monaghan. 99 00:04:24,947 --> 00:04:25,917 - How? 100 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:28,690 - You see the slacks I was wearing on the front cover, 101 00:04:28,691 --> 00:04:31,491 were so tight you could actually make out 102 00:04:31,485 --> 00:04:33,735 the precise outline of my-- 103 00:04:33,743 --> 00:04:35,923 - How did you let yourself in? 104 00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:37,720 - Uh, Bridget gave me a key 11 years ago. 105 00:04:37,723 --> 00:04:41,993 Or, I mean, the door was open or something. 106 00:04:41,994 --> 00:04:44,224 - Well you can leave the same way you came in 107 00:04:44,217 --> 00:04:46,937 because you're not wanted here Maurice Mallumphy. 108 00:04:46,935 --> 00:04:49,675 I know what you're going to say, and the answer still is 109 00:04:49,677 --> 00:04:50,507 No. 110 00:04:51,482 --> 00:04:54,742 - Eamon, we need to get the band back together. 111 00:04:54,744 --> 00:04:58,874 We've got to capitalize on our song being used in that ad 112 00:04:58,869 --> 00:05:00,909 for Rock Flute larger, when you want your flute 113 00:05:00,912 --> 00:05:02,772 as hard as a rock, non-alcoholic. 114 00:05:02,766 --> 00:05:05,316 And storming into the charts. 115 00:05:05,323 --> 00:05:09,163 Word is, it'll hit 197 before the year is out. 116 00:05:11,754 --> 00:05:14,684 - It was no 40 years ago and it's still a no. 117 00:05:14,679 --> 00:05:17,989 - 11 years, two months, three weeks and four days. 118 00:05:17,988 --> 00:05:21,748 - Eamon Pints, Fights and Poetry must ride again! 119 00:05:21,750 --> 00:05:24,550 And I use ride in both senses of the word 120 00:05:24,550 --> 00:05:26,820 - (laughs) 121 00:05:26,818 --> 00:05:28,088 - [Eamon] I'd say there's a few quid in it 122 00:05:28,094 --> 00:05:30,004 is there Maurice Mallumphy? Knowing you, 123 00:05:30,001 --> 00:05:31,751 you're as tight as a goat's hole. 124 00:05:31,754 --> 00:05:33,754 - [Maurice] That was actually the name of my twelfth 125 00:05:33,745 --> 00:05:37,095 album, when I dabbled in a bit of reggae. 126 00:05:37,095 --> 00:05:38,565 Though judging by the sales of that one, 127 00:05:38,565 --> 00:05:40,395 probably not. 128 00:05:40,396 --> 00:05:41,696 - Good. 129 00:05:41,700 --> 00:05:43,710 - [Maurice] I still think 'No Milk Quota, No Cry' 130 00:05:43,712 --> 00:05:45,632 deserved better though. 131 00:05:45,628 --> 00:05:48,628 Father? Hit me with a Jamaican beat. 132 00:05:51,227 --> 00:05:54,727 - (sings a jamaican beat) 133 00:05:57,710 --> 00:06:01,010 ♪ I lost all my cattle ♪ 134 00:06:01,006 --> 00:06:03,886 ♪ Lost all me sheep-a ♪ 135 00:06:03,885 --> 00:06:07,245 ♪ But I'm not crying ♪ 136 00:06:07,249 --> 00:06:10,079 ♪ Cos I got you ♪ 137 00:06:10,081 --> 00:06:11,431 - (laughs) 138 00:06:11,431 --> 00:06:14,011 - Very good, wasn't it Bridget? 139 00:06:15,940 --> 00:06:17,770 - Here's my underwear. 140 00:06:19,805 --> 00:06:22,985 - He's not going to wash your dirty knickers Bridget! 141 00:06:22,988 --> 00:06:26,738 - I never would (sniffs) OH! 142 00:06:29,234 --> 00:06:31,564 So, how's Michael getting on? 143 00:06:31,557 --> 00:06:32,517 - Who? 144 00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:33,820 - Michael. 145 00:06:33,824 --> 00:06:35,564 - I have no idea who you're talking about. 146 00:06:35,563 --> 00:06:38,943 - Michael, your first born child? 147 00:06:38,936 --> 00:06:40,916 - No, I don't think we have a Michael. 148 00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:43,020 Infact, I don't think I've ever met anybody 149 00:06:43,017 --> 00:06:44,827 with that name in my entire life. 150 00:06:44,834 --> 00:06:46,024 Bridget? 151 00:06:46,023 --> 00:06:48,473 - I don't remember Michael, but then I do 152 00:06:48,471 --> 00:06:50,221 drink a lot during the day. 153 00:06:50,224 --> 00:06:53,064 - No, we don't have a lad called Michael. Look, Michael! 154 00:06:53,057 --> 00:06:55,387 (footsteps) 155 00:06:57,176 --> 00:06:59,216 Yeah we do, we have a Michael. 156 00:06:59,217 --> 00:07:00,367 Yeah I forgot, he's the eldest. 157 00:07:00,372 --> 00:07:02,512 In fact he looks suspiciously like 158 00:07:02,510 --> 00:07:04,780 he's always late for something. 159 00:07:04,781 --> 00:07:06,181 The oldest lad and Maurice Mallumphy 160 00:07:06,180 --> 00:07:08,490 both suffer from itchy ears and the lad appears to have 161 00:07:08,493 --> 00:07:11,293 red hair dye running down his scalp. 162 00:07:11,290 --> 00:07:15,210 What could this mean? Hmm, it's a real puzzler. 163 00:07:16,225 --> 00:07:19,545 Bridget probably knows, then again I'd have to talk to her. 164 00:07:19,551 --> 00:07:20,901 I know! (starts snoring) 165 00:07:20,900 --> 00:07:23,910 - [Maurice] So Eamon, how about the band? 166 00:07:23,912 --> 00:07:25,042 - (continues snoring) 167 00:07:25,038 --> 00:07:25,868 - [Bridget] Eamon. 168 00:07:25,871 --> 00:07:27,091 - [Maurice] Eamon! 169 00:07:27,090 --> 00:07:29,180 - [Bridget] Eamon, we know you're not asleep. 170 00:07:29,181 --> 00:07:33,591 - Okay how about a bit of snuffle action to seal the deal. 171 00:07:33,589 --> 00:07:34,419 - Eamon. 172 00:07:36,193 --> 00:07:37,983 If falling asleep is no craic, then I don't know 173 00:07:37,983 --> 00:07:39,613 what kind of world we live in. 174 00:07:39,610 --> 00:07:43,550 - He did this for a whole weekend in Carnlough once. 175 00:07:43,546 --> 00:07:45,026 - [Father Gabriel] Wait Eamon, I had no idea 176 00:07:45,029 --> 00:07:46,499 you were in a band. 177 00:07:46,501 --> 00:07:47,931 Why did you split up? 178 00:07:47,929 --> 00:07:50,519 - It was the 1970s, and show band music of 179 00:07:50,516 --> 00:07:52,736 the 1960s had grown stale and the youth were 180 00:07:52,739 --> 00:07:55,089 looking for something a bit more dangerous. 181 00:07:55,089 --> 00:07:56,889 Something that mixed beat poetry with rock 182 00:07:56,886 --> 00:07:58,536 and traditional Irish music, with lyrics 183 00:07:58,538 --> 00:08:00,708 mostly about fighting and drinking. 184 00:08:00,708 --> 00:08:03,858 Into that very specific set of requests stepped: 185 00:08:03,863 --> 00:08:06,363 Pints, Fights and Poetry. 186 00:08:06,362 --> 00:08:09,312 That the name of the band Philem, this song you've written 187 00:08:09,310 --> 00:08:11,330 The night my family told me my pet rabbit had died 188 00:08:11,326 --> 00:08:12,606 and we'd eaten him for dinner. 189 00:08:12,607 --> 00:08:15,417 It's not going to fit and you left out the bit 190 00:08:15,417 --> 00:08:17,047 where you started crying. 191 00:08:17,052 --> 00:08:20,072 - I can't even look at a cocktail sausage to this day 192 00:08:20,066 --> 00:08:23,036 without thinking about poor Flopsy. 193 00:08:23,044 --> 00:08:24,244 - [Eamon] Right, shut up! 194 00:08:24,241 --> 00:08:25,681 We're going to do my new song okay. 195 00:08:25,677 --> 00:08:26,917 It's called, you can touch my woman 196 00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:28,120 but you can't touch my pint. 197 00:08:28,117 --> 00:08:29,587 Okay? On four 198 00:08:29,590 --> 00:08:30,710 One, two, three, four 199 00:08:30,705 --> 00:08:32,255 - Eamon! 200 00:08:32,258 --> 00:08:33,928 It's me Bridget, Hi! 201 00:08:35,432 --> 00:08:38,802 I brought you soup, I heard you liked soup. 202 00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:39,960 - Not in front of the lads, 203 00:08:39,961 --> 00:08:41,331 not in front of the lads Bridget. 204 00:08:41,330 --> 00:08:42,660 - [Bridget] Okay, that's totally fine. 205 00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:43,916 I suppose I'll just throw it in the bin 206 00:08:43,923 --> 00:08:45,793 and go and kill myself. 207 00:08:45,793 --> 00:08:47,963 - No, no give me the soup. 208 00:08:50,442 --> 00:08:51,592 - [Bridget] I didn't spit in it! 209 00:08:51,590 --> 00:08:52,770 Which would mean we would've technically 210 00:08:52,772 --> 00:08:54,372 got off with each other. I didn't. 211 00:08:54,373 --> 00:08:55,553 I did, I did... 212 00:08:55,546 --> 00:08:57,406 - Eurgh, throw it away. 213 00:08:57,412 --> 00:09:00,392 - Eamon, I think tonight's the night. 214 00:09:00,394 --> 00:09:01,444 - For what? 215 00:09:01,438 --> 00:09:04,518 - That we let's just say, have sex. 216 00:09:04,524 --> 00:09:06,104 - Oh what was that Bridget? Did you say 217 00:09:06,098 --> 00:09:08,168 tonight's the night that we're going to have sex! 218 00:09:08,166 --> 00:09:08,996 - Yeah. 219 00:09:09,875 --> 00:09:11,125 - You can say it louder. 220 00:09:11,127 --> 00:09:12,347 - (screams) YES 221 00:09:12,348 --> 00:09:15,308 - Yeah well, my only true love babe is the music, right. 222 00:09:15,308 --> 00:09:17,508 And the only thing I'm going to be having sex with tonight 223 00:09:17,507 --> 00:09:18,577 is this guitar. 224 00:09:18,578 --> 00:09:20,218 - [Frank] I thought you said you got it 225 00:09:20,223 --> 00:09:22,213 stuck in the strings by accident that time. 226 00:09:22,211 --> 00:09:23,921 - Shut up Frank, I told you. That's how 227 00:09:23,921 --> 00:09:26,101 Led Zeppelin tuned their guitars. 228 00:09:26,098 --> 00:09:27,778 - Yeah we had to get the Fairy liquid, do you remember that? 229 00:09:27,781 --> 00:09:29,361 To get it out, and we whipped up a big lather 230 00:09:29,359 --> 00:09:31,659 and there was bubbles everywhere. It only made it harder! 231 00:09:31,656 --> 00:09:34,906 - Shut up! Listen going to get back to you on the 232 00:09:34,913 --> 00:09:36,753 whole sex yoke yeah? 233 00:09:36,746 --> 00:09:37,946 - Okay I'll go. 234 00:09:37,954 --> 00:09:38,794 - No don't. 235 00:09:38,787 --> 00:09:40,787 - Okay I'll stay! 236 00:09:40,788 --> 00:09:42,318 Eamon just one more question? 237 00:09:42,319 --> 00:09:43,779 - Yeah? 238 00:09:43,777 --> 00:09:45,887 - Who's your bass player?! 239 00:09:45,893 --> 00:09:47,283 - That'll be me Maurice Mallumphy, 240 00:09:47,284 --> 00:09:50,384 I've got two As in my leaving cert, Accounting and Biz Org. 241 00:09:53,174 --> 00:09:56,054 - Hi Maurice Mallumphy, I'm Bridget. 242 00:09:56,048 --> 00:09:57,428 - [Eamon] Sorry Maurice, this is Bridget. 243 00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:58,960 She's just this young one that keeps 244 00:09:58,956 --> 00:10:00,546 hanging around me looking for stuff like 245 00:10:00,545 --> 00:10:01,865 like sex (scoffs) 246 00:10:01,872 --> 00:10:04,962 Lads, you've no idea we haven't even done a gig yet and 247 00:10:04,957 --> 00:10:07,347 I have a groupie. Lads, just want to tell you this: 248 00:10:07,352 --> 00:10:10,522 Fame. Fame is hard lads, fame is hard. 249 00:10:11,910 --> 00:10:16,470 - I made soup Maurice Mallumphy, do you want some soup? 250 00:10:16,469 --> 00:10:18,729 - Don't drink it Maurice she spat in it. 251 00:10:18,725 --> 00:10:20,635 - [Maurice] Is that so? 252 00:10:24,671 --> 00:10:26,681 Meaty (laughs) 253 00:10:26,677 --> 00:10:29,557 - Oxtail, from the back kitchen. 254 00:10:29,556 --> 00:10:33,286 - [Maurice] It certainly is. And free of charge. 255 00:10:33,292 --> 00:10:36,342 - [Philem] We still doing your song Eamon, are we? 256 00:10:36,335 --> 00:10:41,335 You can touch my woman, but don't touch my pint (laughs) 257 00:10:41,861 --> 00:10:43,241 - Yeah I will maybe. 258 00:10:43,238 --> 00:10:46,008 - Just look at Maurice, and your one Bridget there 259 00:10:46,013 --> 00:10:49,103 (sensual jazz music) 260 00:10:50,196 --> 00:10:51,286 - [Eamon] What you talking about? 261 00:10:51,287 --> 00:10:52,947 - [Philem] Well they're getting on very well. 262 00:10:52,945 --> 00:10:54,665 - I've got a great idea! 263 00:10:54,670 --> 00:10:58,920 How about you stop fucking up the tin whistle solo. 264 00:10:59,854 --> 00:11:02,204 On four, one, two, three, four. 265 00:11:02,204 --> 00:11:04,814 - [Frank] One, two, three, four. 266 00:11:04,811 --> 00:11:08,811 ♪ Touch my woman, but don't touch my pint. ♪ 267 00:11:08,814 --> 00:11:11,064 - [Eamon] Maurice? Maurice? 268 00:11:12,265 --> 00:11:13,095 Maurice? 269 00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:20,420 - It's not what it looks like. 270 00:11:20,416 --> 00:11:22,306 - So that's why the band split up, 271 00:11:22,305 --> 00:11:24,315 because Bridget was having relations with 272 00:11:24,321 --> 00:11:25,891 Maurice Mallumphy? 273 00:11:25,889 --> 00:11:28,809 - No! How'd you get from what I just said? 274 00:11:28,814 --> 00:11:30,784 Maurice wanted to sell out and put one of songs 275 00:11:30,776 --> 00:11:32,506 in an advertisement. 276 00:11:32,509 --> 00:11:33,339 I refused. 277 00:11:34,579 --> 00:11:35,999 - Eamon I'm sorry 278 00:11:37,504 --> 00:11:38,894 I've taken something you really 279 00:11:38,885 --> 00:11:42,275 care about and I've... I've defiled it. 280 00:11:42,279 --> 00:11:45,069 - [Eamon] How could you do this to me Maurice? 281 00:11:45,065 --> 00:11:48,185 The one thing that means anything to me. 282 00:11:48,186 --> 00:11:49,666 Was it the money? 283 00:11:49,669 --> 00:11:51,389 - Money? What money? 284 00:11:51,388 --> 00:11:52,578 - You didn't charge? 285 00:11:52,579 --> 00:11:56,039 - No, usually I pay them but I suppose 286 00:11:56,039 --> 00:11:59,069 in this case I probably should have charged. 287 00:11:59,069 --> 00:12:01,079 - [Eamon] Yeah you should have charged. 288 00:12:01,083 --> 00:12:03,503 A million pounds, because that's how much 289 00:12:03,501 --> 00:12:04,931 she means to me. 290 00:12:04,927 --> 00:12:05,817 - Oh Eamon! 291 00:12:05,824 --> 00:12:07,104 - And by she 292 00:12:07,099 --> 00:12:08,099 I mean the song I wrote: 293 00:12:08,095 --> 00:12:09,725 You can touch my woman, but don't touch my pint 294 00:12:09,734 --> 00:12:10,874 that you, Maurice Mallumphy, 295 00:12:10,867 --> 00:12:13,587 want to put in a TV advertisement. 296 00:12:13,588 --> 00:12:17,198 - [Maurice] The song? Oh yeah, yeah the song. 297 00:12:17,201 --> 00:12:18,841 - (laughs) 298 00:12:18,843 --> 00:12:22,123 - Oh yeah I signed that contract this morning, 299 00:12:22,124 --> 00:12:23,884 it makes economic sense. 300 00:12:23,884 --> 00:12:25,624 Which is why I think we started the band 301 00:12:25,616 --> 00:12:26,966 in the first place. 302 00:12:26,971 --> 00:12:28,661 - Well you can rip it up, because 303 00:12:28,660 --> 00:12:31,680 Pints, Fights and Poetry are over forever. 304 00:12:31,676 --> 00:12:33,096 - Forever ever? 305 00:12:33,095 --> 00:12:35,125 - And ever, Amen. 306 00:12:35,126 --> 00:12:37,356 And I can't think of any set of circumstances now 307 00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:40,360 or in the future that will ever change my mind. 308 00:12:40,363 --> 00:12:43,193 And you Bridget, I heard you in there helping him. 309 00:12:43,190 --> 00:12:46,570 A contract doesn't have two and a half holes. 310 00:12:46,574 --> 00:12:50,074 (upbeat electronic music) 311 00:12:55,860 --> 00:12:58,610 (doorbell rings) 312 00:13:00,586 --> 00:13:03,416 - What's this she was looking for? 313 00:13:04,312 --> 00:13:08,132 A birth certificate? For the oldest lad? 314 00:13:08,127 --> 00:13:09,207 Name: Micheal 315 00:13:10,319 --> 00:13:12,079 Mother: Bridget 316 00:13:12,081 --> 00:13:14,381 Father: left blank. 317 00:13:14,381 --> 00:13:16,491 Who's left blank? 318 00:13:16,494 --> 00:13:20,844 That's odd, why didn't they put my name down on the cert? 319 00:13:20,838 --> 00:13:23,258 Hmm, you know who would know? 320 00:13:25,776 --> 00:13:28,326 - (sighs) I've pulled a few strings, 321 00:13:28,327 --> 00:13:30,207 there's a free spot headlining 322 00:13:30,206 --> 00:13:32,026 the local aid concert tomorrow. 323 00:13:32,031 --> 00:13:34,831 Eamon, let's finish what we started 324 00:13:34,832 --> 00:13:36,392 all those years ago. 325 00:13:36,392 --> 00:13:37,982 - 35 years ago. 326 00:13:37,983 --> 00:13:41,293 - 11, now I know tomorrow doesn't give us 327 00:13:41,294 --> 00:13:45,184 much time to rehearse, but what do you say? 328 00:13:45,182 --> 00:13:48,052 - Hmm, I could rejoin the band with the man 329 00:13:48,054 --> 00:13:49,724 I most hate in the world and prove to everyone 330 00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:51,920 once and for all that I am loads of craic. 331 00:13:51,919 --> 00:13:55,999 Or I could talk to Bridget about the birth cert. 332 00:13:56,004 --> 00:13:57,074 Let's get the band back together. 333 00:13:57,073 --> 00:13:57,913 - Yes! 334 00:14:01,327 --> 00:14:03,907 (upbeat music) 335 00:14:05,779 --> 00:14:08,359 (upbeat music) 336 00:14:09,808 --> 00:14:12,808 (rock guitar music) 337 00:14:24,648 --> 00:14:28,538 - Eamon. Maurice Mallumphy. What can I do for you? 338 00:14:28,536 --> 00:14:30,956 - We're getting the band back together. 339 00:14:30,958 --> 00:14:32,628 - Brilliant, I'm in. 340 00:14:33,909 --> 00:14:35,209 What band? 341 00:14:35,206 --> 00:14:37,176 - The band you were in with me and Maurice Mallumphy. 342 00:14:37,183 --> 00:14:38,853 - Oh yeah that band. 343 00:14:40,545 --> 00:14:41,525 - [Eamon] Quick he's going out the back window 344 00:14:41,528 --> 00:14:44,208 go around the side Maurice. 345 00:14:44,210 --> 00:14:47,040 - [Eamon] Yeah so I ended up headbutting Shergar in the face 346 00:14:47,041 --> 00:14:49,291 - (laughs) 347 00:14:50,423 --> 00:14:51,893 - What's going on Eamon? How's Da? 348 00:14:51,890 --> 00:14:55,720 Is he still alive? Did I make it in time? 349 00:14:55,718 --> 00:14:58,218 Please tell me I made it in time. 350 00:14:58,221 --> 00:15:01,681 - Getting the band back together. 351 00:15:01,679 --> 00:15:04,189 - I spent, $2000 on last minute flights 352 00:15:04,190 --> 00:15:05,770 from Boston because you told me 353 00:15:05,774 --> 00:15:07,544 that Da was dying. 354 00:15:07,541 --> 00:15:11,791 - Dad died four years ago (laughs) 355 00:15:12,652 --> 00:15:14,912 - No one told me! - Yeah he said don't tell him, 356 00:15:14,907 --> 00:15:16,627 when he gets back he'll start crying. 357 00:15:16,625 --> 00:15:17,455 (laughs) 358 00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:19,698 And you're crying! It's worked Da! 359 00:15:19,702 --> 00:15:21,802 (laughs) 360 00:15:21,801 --> 00:15:22,631 - Da! 361 00:15:23,828 --> 00:15:24,658 Daddy! 362 00:15:25,958 --> 00:15:28,478 - Aye classic (laughs) 363 00:15:28,476 --> 00:15:29,576 Stop crying you stupid idiot, 364 00:15:29,579 --> 00:15:32,649 he never liked you anyway (laughs) 365 00:15:32,651 --> 00:15:34,071 - Philem, Philem. 366 00:15:36,544 --> 00:15:38,054 There better be a keyboard in that suitcase. 367 00:15:38,046 --> 00:15:40,216 (laughs) 368 00:15:40,215 --> 00:15:41,215 - Dope. 369 00:15:41,215 --> 00:15:43,855 (electronic music beat) 370 00:15:43,855 --> 00:15:45,605 - Right Eamon, I spent your share of the money 371 00:15:45,614 --> 00:15:47,624 from our song being used in the Rock Flute Larger, 372 00:15:47,620 --> 00:15:49,290 when you want your flute as hard as rock, 373 00:15:49,288 --> 00:15:50,688 non-alcoholic - non-alcoholic 374 00:15:50,692 --> 00:15:52,442 - Advertisement to make a music video. 375 00:15:52,444 --> 00:15:53,284 - Why? 376 00:15:53,277 --> 00:15:56,267 - It's the 1980's Eamon, video killed the radio star yeah 377 00:15:56,272 --> 00:15:58,982 and if I've got any change of getting my hole 378 00:15:58,983 --> 00:16:01,393 and paying off my debts, we have to make music video 379 00:16:01,394 --> 00:16:02,894 to get a gig at Local Aid. 380 00:16:02,891 --> 00:16:05,221 And then, next stop MTUS-AH. 381 00:16:06,315 --> 00:16:08,385 - Yeah I have no idea what you were talking about there so 382 00:16:08,387 --> 00:16:10,197 - So the concept for the video, 383 00:16:10,195 --> 00:16:12,205 is my car has broken down. 384 00:16:12,206 --> 00:16:14,286 - What are you driving? 385 00:16:14,290 --> 00:16:15,760 - A 1982 Fiat Ritmo. 386 00:16:15,763 --> 00:16:17,633 - Frank fixes Fiats. 387 00:16:17,630 --> 00:16:20,410 - No, it's the story of the music video 388 00:16:20,410 --> 00:16:22,070 my car hasn't actually broken down. 389 00:16:22,071 --> 00:16:24,541 - Yeah, yeah the electrics. They're rust buckets. 390 00:16:24,541 --> 00:16:25,941 Italian cars, they're useless even when 391 00:16:25,941 --> 00:16:26,771 they're not broken they're broke. 392 00:16:26,774 --> 00:16:29,824 - And I wander into the forest where I meet your Bridget. 393 00:16:29,823 --> 00:16:32,343 - It's a horror video, is it? - No, it's like raunchy. 394 00:16:32,337 --> 00:16:33,947 And all you lads are playing the song. 395 00:16:33,950 --> 00:16:35,980 And your man the Priest is directing. 396 00:16:35,984 --> 00:16:37,454 - [Father Gabriel] Okay everyone let's go. 397 00:16:37,449 --> 00:16:39,359 Maurice Mallumphy, you're lost but you're 398 00:16:39,356 --> 00:16:41,716 searching for more than just jump leads. 399 00:16:41,717 --> 00:16:43,607 - My hole, I'm looking for my hole. 400 00:16:43,610 --> 00:16:45,110 - Yes but in an artistic way. 401 00:16:45,106 --> 00:16:48,346 Bridget you're a forest woman who's never seen a man before. 402 00:16:48,345 --> 00:16:50,265 - So happy, but desperate for the ride. 403 00:16:50,273 --> 00:16:52,233 - Perfect, okay first positions and-- 404 00:16:52,228 --> 00:16:53,218 - [Eamon] Hold on, hold on. 405 00:16:53,219 --> 00:16:54,049 There's not electricity, 406 00:16:54,052 --> 00:16:55,502 our instruments aren't plugged into nothing 407 00:16:55,503 --> 00:16:56,383 so it makes no sense. 408 00:16:56,380 --> 00:16:57,210 - Action! 409 00:16:58,574 --> 00:16:59,754 (song plays) 410 00:16:59,747 --> 00:17:03,597 ♪ You can touch my woman, but don't touch my pint ♪ 411 00:17:03,599 --> 00:17:08,599 ♪ Rainy night in Tullamore and my jocks was dripping in heat ♪ 412 00:17:10,223 --> 00:17:13,493 ♪ She strolled up to me so awkwardly, ♪ 413 00:17:13,490 --> 00:17:17,300 ♪ I was trying to keep the peace ♪ 414 00:17:17,297 --> 00:17:21,597 ♪ You can touch my woman, but don't touch my pint ♪ 415 00:17:21,599 --> 00:17:24,399 ♪ Guy from the West, he did his best ♪ 416 00:17:24,398 --> 00:17:28,158 ♪ To sweep her off her feet ♪ 417 00:17:28,158 --> 00:17:31,118 ♪ I told him okay he could ride her all night ♪ 418 00:17:31,123 --> 00:17:35,203 ♪ Cos you can touch my woman but don't touch my pint ♪ 419 00:17:35,196 --> 00:17:39,506 ♪ You can touch my woman, but don't touch my pint ♪ 420 00:17:39,510 --> 00:17:42,390 ♪ Rolled her in the back on the bus ♪ 421 00:17:42,387 --> 00:17:45,687 ♪ She rolled him in her flat ♪ 422 00:17:45,690 --> 00:17:49,330 ♪ He told me that she broke his willy ♪ 423 00:17:49,332 --> 00:17:53,192 ♪ Outside a chipper in Belmullet ♪ 424 00:17:53,190 --> 00:17:57,160 ♪ You can touch my woman, but don't touch my pint ♪ 425 00:17:57,161 --> 00:18:00,011 ♪ Thought that he would apologize ♪ 426 00:18:00,006 --> 00:18:03,806 ♪ In case there was a fight ♪ 427 00:18:03,814 --> 00:18:07,254 ♪ I said you can touch my woman, ♪ 428 00:18:07,245 --> 00:18:11,155 ♪ but you never ever touch my pint, ♪ 429 00:18:11,156 --> 00:18:15,286 ♪ You can touch my woman, but don't touch my pint ♪ 430 00:18:15,293 --> 00:18:18,693 ♪ You can touch my woman, but don't touch my pint ♪ 431 00:18:18,692 --> 00:18:23,692 ♪ The fight has gone and someone better buy my another one. ♪ 432 00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:26,910 - [Eamon] Old Mrs Casey just killed it with her 433 00:18:26,908 --> 00:18:28,028 two hour spoon set solo, 434 00:18:28,032 --> 00:18:29,212 we're really going to have to top that 435 00:18:29,212 --> 00:18:31,342 we're going to have to play out of our skins, okay? 436 00:18:31,341 --> 00:18:33,611 - [Phelim] Sure thing Dude 437 00:18:33,607 --> 00:18:36,157 - Don't sure thing dude me, you stupid prick 438 00:18:36,163 --> 00:18:39,793 this is big, Phelim, there are tens of people out there. 439 00:18:39,789 --> 00:18:43,319 Gigs don't get bigger than Local Aid. 440 00:18:43,316 --> 00:18:45,306 Apart from Live Aid and Self Aid. 441 00:18:45,309 --> 00:18:47,509 - Oh so what you're saying is like, keep completely calm. 442 00:18:47,514 --> 00:18:49,924 - No, I'm not saying keep completely calm 443 00:18:49,923 --> 00:18:51,753 I'm saying shit your pants Frank, 444 00:18:51,749 --> 00:18:53,579 we're not up here to enjoy ourselves. 445 00:18:53,580 --> 00:18:55,550 - [Noreen] But where's Maurice though? 446 00:18:55,547 --> 00:18:58,697 - Where is Maurice? Okay I'll go look for Maurice 447 00:18:58,698 --> 00:19:03,028 you stay here, lose your minds, reshit your pants. 448 00:19:03,032 --> 00:19:03,872 Maurice! 449 00:19:05,345 --> 00:19:06,175 Maurice! 450 00:19:08,135 --> 00:19:09,545 Maurice, Maurice. 451 00:19:12,311 --> 00:19:13,391 Are you coming? 452 00:19:13,387 --> 00:19:16,957 - Just did (laughs) yeah, yeah. 453 00:19:16,963 --> 00:19:19,613 - What are you two doing back here? 454 00:19:19,607 --> 00:19:21,567 - I'm loosening up for the show. 455 00:19:21,569 --> 00:19:22,399 - Really? 456 00:19:23,630 --> 00:19:24,860 - Yeah. 457 00:19:24,863 --> 00:19:25,823 - Oh okay. 458 00:19:25,823 --> 00:19:28,623 - Eamon I'm pregnant, well I will be 459 00:19:28,620 --> 00:19:31,270 - I only have to look at her and she gets pregnant! 460 00:19:31,266 --> 00:19:33,666 Must've been what two years ago since we had... 461 00:19:33,666 --> 00:19:36,376 - [Maurice] Eamon, let's go and give this town 462 00:19:36,381 --> 00:19:38,391 a show they'll never forget. 463 00:19:38,385 --> 00:19:39,495 And hopefully siphon off enough of that 464 00:19:39,496 --> 00:19:41,906 charity money to get out of here (laughs). 465 00:19:41,913 --> 00:19:45,173 - Yeah and prove to the world or this town, 466 00:19:45,166 --> 00:19:46,946 that I'm great craic. 467 00:19:46,951 --> 00:19:48,781 - Yeah, yeah that too. 468 00:19:50,020 --> 00:19:53,450 - You smell funny Maurice, are you using pineapple? 469 00:19:53,454 --> 00:19:56,644 (slow clapping) 470 00:19:56,639 --> 00:19:59,409 - There's been a lot of talk about this song 471 00:19:59,408 --> 00:20:01,798 maybe too much talk. 472 00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:05,011 This song is not rebel song - No 473 00:20:05,006 --> 00:20:07,906 This song is a rebel song. 474 00:20:07,912 --> 00:20:11,402 - Oh yeah, it is a rebel song sorry. 475 00:20:11,397 --> 00:20:15,487 You might know this song from the advertisement for 476 00:20:15,485 --> 00:20:17,215 Rock Flute Larger, for when you 477 00:20:17,218 --> 00:20:19,058 want you flute as hard as a rock, 478 00:20:19,064 --> 00:20:21,584 - Non-alcoholic - Non-alcoholic 479 00:20:21,575 --> 00:20:23,615 - This is our first time playing it live 480 00:20:23,615 --> 00:20:26,555 and if any attractive women in the crowd are wondering 481 00:20:26,561 --> 00:20:30,461 I'm staying in the B&B in town, room 3. 482 00:20:30,460 --> 00:20:35,000 Especially those ones with the choppy changey hair. 483 00:20:34,998 --> 00:20:35,968 - [Bridget] Me 484 00:20:35,973 --> 00:20:38,323 - [Maurice] You know who you are. 485 00:20:38,315 --> 00:20:41,295 - [Eamon] Okay you ready? On four right 486 00:20:41,301 --> 00:20:43,031 Okay one, two, three, four 487 00:20:43,032 --> 00:20:44,912 - One, two, three, four 488 00:20:44,909 --> 00:20:47,899 (song plays) 489 00:20:47,895 --> 00:20:51,755 ♪ You can touch my woman, but don't touch my pint ♪ 490 00:20:51,763 --> 00:20:55,493 ♪ It was a rainy night in Tullamore... ♪ 491 00:20:55,491 --> 00:20:58,051 Hold on there's something definitely up 492 00:20:58,053 --> 00:21:01,043 with Maurice and/or Bridget. 493 00:21:01,039 --> 00:21:04,419 Maurice and Bridget, Bridget and Maurice. 494 00:21:04,422 --> 00:21:05,852 You're going too fast slow down a bit. 495 00:21:05,853 --> 00:21:08,113 Go back further. Too far. 496 00:21:08,105 --> 00:21:10,355 Forward it, now back a bit. 497 00:21:11,991 --> 00:21:13,181 - You're no craic. 498 00:21:13,176 --> 00:21:14,006 - [Eamon] Are you coming? 499 00:21:14,009 --> 00:21:15,349 - [Maurice] Just did (laughs) 500 00:21:15,350 --> 00:21:16,680 - Where's me dinner? 501 00:21:16,676 --> 00:21:19,286 Oh my Christ I've worked it out. 502 00:21:19,286 --> 00:21:21,986 I've worked out why everything has gone wrong. 503 00:21:21,993 --> 00:21:23,493 Whoa whoa whoa 504 00:21:23,485 --> 00:21:26,865 I want to say something Maurice Mallumphy 505 00:21:26,871 --> 00:21:30,921 and although it pains me and I denied her three times 506 00:21:30,915 --> 00:21:32,935 today already but that woman over there, 507 00:21:32,935 --> 00:21:34,995 that's my wife she's Bridget. 508 00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:37,510 And she said something to me the other day, 509 00:21:37,510 --> 00:21:39,930 she said that I was no craic. 510 00:21:41,536 --> 00:21:43,646 Well I've been thinking, right, 511 00:21:43,651 --> 00:21:45,701 that's my brother Philem there. 512 00:21:45,699 --> 00:21:49,349 And when he was growing up, meself and me Da 513 00:21:49,352 --> 00:21:52,242 told him that he had terminal illness and he'd only 514 00:21:52,238 --> 00:21:55,758 three days to live and he starts crying. 515 00:21:55,763 --> 00:21:58,643 (laughs) 516 00:21:58,644 --> 00:22:00,984 No craic! He started crying! 517 00:22:02,785 --> 00:22:03,885 Do you not get it? 518 00:22:03,890 --> 00:22:05,920 - [Man] That's not funny, that's awful, 519 00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:08,430 - Shut up, you needed to be there. 520 00:22:08,430 --> 00:22:12,010 And another thing, everyone goes on about Maurice Mallumphy 521 00:22:12,009 --> 00:22:14,499 Oh Maurice Mallumphy, he's a lovely man. 522 00:22:14,504 --> 00:22:16,754 Oh Maurice Mallumphy, he'd do anything for ya. 523 00:22:16,752 --> 00:22:18,232 - He does. 524 00:22:18,229 --> 00:22:19,379 - [Eamon] Oh Maurice he'd give you 525 00:22:19,381 --> 00:22:21,621 the shirt off his back, huh? Huh? 526 00:22:21,615 --> 00:22:22,785 Well I'd like to tell you something now 527 00:22:22,789 --> 00:22:24,499 about Maurice Mallumphy. 528 00:22:24,495 --> 00:22:27,635 In all the years I've known Maurice Mallumphy 529 00:22:27,636 --> 00:22:30,136 he's never once taken a drink. 530 00:22:31,231 --> 00:22:33,131 (crowd gasps) 531 00:22:33,132 --> 00:22:34,172 - Jesus Christ 532 00:22:34,167 --> 00:22:35,527 - It's not true. 533 00:22:35,531 --> 00:22:40,531 - So what do you have to say about that, Maurice Mallumphy? 534 00:22:40,538 --> 00:22:44,458 - I'm a... I'm a recovering alcoholic. 535 00:22:44,461 --> 00:22:47,691 I've an addictive personality, I gamble too much, 536 00:22:47,686 --> 00:22:50,686 I'm addicted to sexual relations and 537 00:22:52,144 --> 00:22:53,854 I'm deeply unhappy and I'll do 538 00:22:53,852 --> 00:22:57,062 anything to fill the infinite void inside me. 539 00:22:57,057 --> 00:22:58,807 - See, he's no craic! 540 00:23:00,858 --> 00:23:02,028 He's no craic! 541 00:23:03,372 --> 00:23:06,152 And another thing, that I want to say 542 00:23:06,151 --> 00:23:07,481 to you my wife Bridget. 543 00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:09,210 - Which one is she? 544 00:23:09,208 --> 00:23:12,328 - One in the red dress and the stupid hair. 545 00:23:12,326 --> 00:23:13,736 - Oh yeah I see her now. 546 00:23:13,739 --> 00:23:15,389 - Well I'm going to say something to you 547 00:23:15,391 --> 00:23:17,061 and I don't care who hears it. 548 00:23:17,061 --> 00:23:18,931 - I hope you're not going to tell her you love her. 549 00:23:18,927 --> 00:23:20,997 - No, I definitely wouldn't be telling her that 550 00:23:21,002 --> 00:23:22,192 - [Man] Okay! 551 00:23:22,193 --> 00:23:24,573 - [Eamon] Bridget, I've been thinking about us 552 00:23:24,570 --> 00:23:25,740 been thinking about stuff that happened 553 00:23:25,741 --> 00:23:27,461 back in the 70s. 554 00:23:27,455 --> 00:23:28,955 Been thinking about you and Maurice 555 00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:30,710 round the back of the trailer today. 556 00:23:30,712 --> 00:23:32,712 I been thinking about our son, 557 00:23:32,705 --> 00:23:34,675 that uses ginger hair dye 558 00:23:34,681 --> 00:23:38,431 and has a really unusual birth cert. 559 00:23:38,430 --> 00:23:40,340 I know what happened, 560 00:23:40,338 --> 00:23:42,388 I know what happened Bridget 561 00:23:42,391 --> 00:23:45,111 and I want to ask you why. 562 00:23:45,106 --> 00:23:49,606 Why, why you didn't bring me my dinner three days ago. 563 00:23:52,209 --> 00:23:55,039 (light electronic music) 564 00:23:55,039 --> 00:23:57,339 - Pints, fights but not much poetry: 565 00:23:57,341 --> 00:23:59,871 Local aid concert turns into massive drunken 566 00:23:59,871 --> 00:24:02,201 three day riot after headline act refuses 567 00:24:02,196 --> 00:24:04,396 to play their almost chart hit. 568 00:24:04,397 --> 00:24:06,897 Look, I caused that (laughs) 569 00:24:06,896 --> 00:24:09,856 and there's me about to throw a brick at the traffic lights 570 00:24:09,855 --> 00:24:11,145 and I'm no craic? 571 00:24:11,148 --> 00:24:13,318 I've been reading his for what, nine months 572 00:24:13,322 --> 00:24:15,012 now and it never gets old. 573 00:24:15,007 --> 00:24:18,327 - Look Eamon, he's the spit of you. 574 00:24:18,332 --> 00:24:20,492 The absolute spit of you. You're definitely his Dad. 575 00:24:20,492 --> 00:24:24,332 Oh yeah, absolutely, sure look, he has your... 576 00:24:25,754 --> 00:24:26,594 hair. 577 00:24:27,753 --> 00:24:29,553 - Is that a wig? 578 00:24:29,553 --> 00:24:30,393 - No, no 579 00:24:32,112 --> 00:24:34,362 Think quickly, I've got it! 580 00:24:35,980 --> 00:24:39,200 (starts snoring) 581 00:24:39,201 --> 00:24:41,331 - [Eamon] Bridget I know you're not asleep. 582 00:24:41,332 --> 00:24:44,842 What are you doing, don't wake her up! 583 00:24:44,836 --> 00:24:45,666 Oh yeah. 584 00:24:47,005 --> 00:24:48,085 Still got it! 585 00:24:50,287 --> 00:24:53,867 (upbeat electronic music) 586 00:24:53,917 --> 00:24:58,467 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 42936

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