All language subtitles for Boston Legal [2x07]

Did he say what it was about?

No, and I tried to
get him to tell me.

He said he'd
only speak to you.

Well, I've got
the weeks coming in.

They're fighting over
the Nantucket house again.

He says he'll
only speak to you.

Dwight, how are you?

Oh, not good, Shirley.

- Why?
- Jeanie is leaving me.

What? Why?

And she's trying to
have the marriage annulled.

That's ridiculous,
not to mention impossible.

You've been
married over 20 years.

She just wants it all erased

as if, as if I
never existed, I guess.

Why? What's gotten into her?

Well, it's more of what I've
gotten into, I suppose.

I strayed.

You?

Well, I, I can't
pretend I'm not shocked.

Even so, infidelity
isn't grounds for annulment.

There's something
you're not telling me.

I strayed with Wendy.

You've met Wendy.

Wendy...

Your cow?

We became very close.

One night, I'd had a
bit to drink, I suppose.

Jeanie and I had been a
little estranged, and...

You strayed...

with livestock?

It's not what you think.

It was all very
loving. I know Jeanie.

She's gonna try and
make me out a big sicko.

Geez.

Obviously, I made a mistake,

but I've been a good
husband for 23 years,

a deacon at our church, a
model philanthropist,

a respected professor
at a major university,

a town selectman, even.

You sleep with one cow.

Please don't make sport.

And don't make light.

I don't want to lose my wife.

You cannot
turf this one to me.

- Oh, but I can.
- Shirley...

Look, I can defend almost

anyone against
almost anything but...

growing up, I had a cow.

- You?
- Not sexually. As a pet.

Bumpy.

I had dogs, cats,
a tree frog, but...

Bumpy.

I cherished that animal.

To think what Dwight...

I can't go there, Denise.

What makes you think I can?

You're being asked to.

The name of this firm is
Crane, Poole and Schmidt.

I'm Schmidt.

Shirley, please,
I am begging you.

- Someone's got
to do it, Denise

Can't be me.

Denny Crane.

I don't know why I'm here.

Denny Crane.
I've been summoned.

Denny Crane.

Denny Crane.

Denny Crane.

Trial date is
set for December the

2nd. We will
conference a week from today.

Denny Crane. Who the
hell called, and why?

Oh, Denny Crane.

Ah, Mr. Crane, recall
Jessel, would you, please?

Docket number 166253,
commonwealth vs Ronald Jessel.

Mr. Crane,
you've been assigned to

represent one of
our indigent defendants.

Thank you for coming in.

No can do, judge.

- I beg your pardon?
- Indigent are poor.

Hate the poor. Can't pay.

Mr. Crane, this isn't a
request. It's a court order.

Unless you think that senior

partners are
exempt from civic duty.

Was it a hooker?
I can do hookers.

It's a murder case.
Your client is right there.

Defense pleads guilty.

We accept the district

attorney's
recommendation for sentencing.

Denny Crane.

Come back here
this instant, or

you will be held
in contempt, sir.

What did you just say?

You will meet your client.

You will return here this

afternoon to enter your plea,

and you will give him
adequate representation.

He allegedly
killed a 13-year-old

girl, hence the
presence of the media.

He'll get high-profile
representation as well.

Go.

Hope you die.

Denny Crane.

Hey! Kid. Front and center.

Bet you'd lick my shoes for a

murder case,
wouldn't you, kid?

I would, sir.

Because I like you, you
won't have to lick them.

Just dust them
with your sleeve.

Yes, sir.

We can't have a clown waxing

on about G-8 and world issues.

For god's sake,
it's a children's show.

- Well, when did you fire him?
- Friday.

He filed for
the TRO yesterday.

Look, this could be a
public relations nightmare.

He's the only Zozo
the station's ever had.

May I help you ladies?

We're here for the
assistant's position.

Congratulations. You're hired.

Thank you all.

Let's go inside.

Alan, you can't just do that.

You have to at
least interview.

Why? I have a very
strong feeling about this one.

Can you type?

- Some.
- See?

What happened to Shirley?

Shirley likes to assign
cases to the hot hand and,

right now I'm hot.

I've known her
since we were kids.

I mean, she knows
me. That's, that's why...

Which is exactly why you

should be with someone else.

Shirley could be too close

to see things objectively.

It's Bumpy, isn't it?

I had such a
crush on that cow.

That doesn't make me gay.

Mr. Biddle, have you, um,

- Gotten counseling for this?
- Yes.

Yes. I'm working on it.

Look, Jeanie married me for
better or worse, right?

And for 20-plus years,
it's been a great marriage.

I still love her.

I don't want to lose her.

Defense enters a plea
of not guilty, your honor.

At this time, we would like to

be heard on
bail. This matter...

Hold on just a
second. Where's Denny Crane?

I'm an attorney from
Crane, Poole & Schmidt, sir.

I'm appearing...
I didn't assign

this case to
Crane, Poole & Schmidt.

I assigned it to Denny

Crane, counselor. Where is he?

He's back at the firm, sir.

I asked him to do
a little research.

Are you making a joke in my

courtroom, counsel?
No, sir.

Step up here, counsel.

Have you ever tried
a case before, counsel?

I won my moot court
competition at Suffolk, sir.

Turn around.

What are you going to do?

I asked you to turn around.

I see members
of the media here.

Some of you
have video cameras.

I invite you to
point them this way.

We like to think that all are

entitled to a fair
trial in this country,

that we have an
advocacy system about truth.

But the real
truth, the ugly one,

is that the indigent
get anything but fairness.

On this side, we
have a district attorney

with 50 homicide
trials under his belt,

and here,
representing the accused,

we have a boy who won his moot

court
competition in law school.

This is how it is, people.

The poor get the lawyers who

can't get real
clients of their own.

We have a
system where the state

matches the best
and the brightest

against defense
attorneys coming out of

a pool of
inexperience and incompetence.

It is an insult to
our notion of democracy.

It makes a mockery
of criminal justice.

I will not indulge a
mockery in my courtroom.

Turn around, counsel.

Put one arm behind your
back, as if it were tied.

Now stand on one leg

as if your
client barely has a leg

to stand on with
you as his counsel.

Now you hop on out of here.

Tell Denny Crane if he doesn't

show up to
represent his client,

he will be jailed.

Hop, now!

Clown goes up first.
Why don't you take him?

Do you have a
real name on this guy?

Yeah, Robert Berrin, but

he's been Zozo for 13 years.

I figure I'll take
our client on direct.

This is at-will employment?

Yes, but the discharge
has to be in good faith.

He was up for a
big contract bump. So

my bet is they're
gonna argue pretext.

Excuse me.

Could I steal
Alan for one second?

We're in a meeting, Melissa.

Oh. Yeah. It's, it's just...

I started
thinking. I think the

high of getting
the job kind of...

It just hit me. Um, the

criterion on
which I was hired,

and now that I
am hired, I just

thought that I
should be clear.

I will not be objectified.

I will not be ogled.
If I am, I write you up.

And no touching, no double

entendres, no
comments on what I'm wearing.

If I get any of
that, I write you up.

I'm your assistant, not your

subordinate. You
cross that line, I...

I write you up.

Follow the rules, we
should get along fine.

That's all.

I told you to interview.

I will not indulge a
mockery in my courtroom.

Turn around, counsel.

Now stand on one leg,

as if your
client barely has a leg

to stand on with
you as his counsel.

Now you hop on out of here.

Tell Denny Crane if he doesn't

show up to
represent his client,

he will be jailed.

Hop, now!

That was the scene at
the courthouse this morning.

Channel 8 own
legal analyst Mike

Turfer said he's
never seen anything...

A judge says
to hop, you do it?

All right, Denny, you

obviously need to
take over this case.

We can send Alan in as backup.

- I don't need backup.
- Denny...

I can handle this case.
I can handle this judge.

A homicide, right?

Homicide and rape.

Mister Rogers, Sesame street,

Thomas the tank engine, the

magic school
bus, oh, you name it.

All the top children's
entertainers are educators.

He never said
he'd be in costume.

Always in public.

But, Mr. Berrin,
why global warming?

Mainly because
it's possibly the

number one
threat to this planet,

and our country's
doing almost nothing.

Can you do the cross?

Uh, even so, uh,

none of this seems
funny, and you're a clown.

Global warming could
result in a rising sea level

that could make a huge part

of the world uninhabitable.

We as Americans
have a responsibility.

The U.S. makes up 4%
of the world's population,

but we produce 25% of the
carbon dioxide pollution,

most of any country.

The United states is the

leading cause
of global warming.

We need to take a leading

role in finding the solution.

Let's go. You're up.

You go.

What?

No questions, your honor.

What are you doing?

If you want to cross-examine
him, Brad, you do it.

What's going on?

Nobody ever said
he'd be in costume.

I'm afraid of clowns.

How can anybody
be afraid of a clown?

Keep your voice down.

Now his
testimony goes uncontested.

- You could have crossed.
- I didn't prep a cross.

- What's going on?
- He's afraid of clowns.

I am not.

It was strategy.

Hey.

Any calls?

Not really.

Afraid of clowns, huh?

You cannot enter
a plea of guilty.

Why not?

It is your intent, sir, to

plead guilty to these crimes?

Um, no, sir.

You're not gonna take
his word for it, are you?

Come on, judge.

If he'd murder, he'd lie.

Step up here, Mr. Crane.

Yes.

You can stop trying to get

yourself off
the case, counsel.

That isn't going to happen.

Look, judge, I
can't defend a man

who raped and
murdered a 13-year-old girl.

- Somebody's got to do it.
- Why me?

Because I said so.

Which brings me
to my second issue.

Which is

You're a douche bag. I

don't do well
with douche bags.

That won't work either.

You will try this case.

All you will accomplish

with this unfettered insolence

is a jail sentence for

contempt after
you've tried this case.

Do I make myself
clear, Mr. Crane?

I can understand
that she's horrified,

but to annul the marriage?

Your honor, it is so aberrant.

It is such an abomination. It
is so abhorrent.

And she's just
on the "A" words.

Let's go to "B" then.

Bestiality...
Is not, ever

has been
grounds for annulment.

Mrs. Biddle, why
erase the whole marriage?

Because it was never real.

He was always
in love with her.

The cow.

Over the last ten years or so,

sometimes when we'd been

together, which
was never a lot,

he'd call out her name, Wendy.

And before her,
there was another cow.

Another cow?

Queenie.

I never caught them,

but I saw the
way he looked at her,

and he would call
out her name, too,

and then try to cover
by saying I was his queen.

This marriage is not real.

And it hurts.

Mr. Biddle, I
need to hear from you.

- Why?
- Because I do.

It's shocking.

Tomorrow you will
sit in that witness chair

and tell me why I shouldn't

annul this union
you've so disgraced.

See, if you request
another lawyer, the judge...

I ain't requesting nothing.

You have to. We
don't get along.

I like you just fine.

You're a big
lawyer with big suck.

You're just what I need.

Look, I can't
bring myself to defend

a man who killed
a 13-year-old girl.

Oh, come on, man.

Probably did her a favor.

- What did you say?
- I got AIDS, Denny Crane.

She could have
had a lot of suffering

ahead because I
really went to town.

You know what I mean?

She's probably
lucky I ended it quick.

Well, if you really have AIDS,

there could be
other psychological

defenses available to us.
Yeah.

Like traumatic
distress, insanity, perhaps.

On the other hand...

What the...

It was an accident.

Oops!

Freeze! Drop it!

He came at me. I
feared for my life.

He should
probably get new counsel.

When's the arraignment?

Paul's trying to head it off.

Denny, for god's sake.

You know, Alan...

I'm old.

And I'm not going to
spend what time I have left,

not even a day, defending
child rapist killers.

I'd rather go to jail myself.

I hear you're
afraid of clowns.

First time in my

professional
career I actually froze.

What happened?

When I was 3 years old, my

mother put some decorative,

hideous clown face in my room.

It so terrified me.

I'd wet my bed,

too afraid to pass him
on my way to the bathroom.

When I was 8,

I was again
terrorized by a clown

at a parade,
the very same face.

I wet myself right
there in the street.

And today...

the same face again.

I didn't dare get
up for fear I'd...

leave a puddle
right in the courtroom.

You do have issues, don't you?

Denny, this is serious.

You could be
looking at real jail time.

Dwight, have you
sought professional help?

Yes.

My therapist, he said the
genesis of my infatuation

could have the unconditional

adoration and
acceptance I get from...

Wendy.

Yes.

And didn't your
therapist also tell you

your love for your
wife Jeanie is in play here?

Yes.

Could you elaborate?

Well, Jeanie looks
a little like a cow.

You see?

I fell in love with Wendy

because she
reminded me of you.

I won't insult you, Scott,

by condoning Denny's actions.

- Self-defense.
- But a district attorney,

and I know you know
this because I taught you,

a district attorney
should not bring a case

when he lacks a good faith

belief of conviction.
Hero.

Even if you could
refute self-defense.

Can't.

No jury is going to
convict him of wounding a man

who raped and
strangled a 13-year-old girl.

What message are you
asking me to send, Paul?

If a crime is popular
enough, don't prosecute?

You haven't got evidence.

It's Denny's word against the

child rapist's.
Feared for my life.

And since you broached
the topic of popularity...

you want to make
attorney general, Scott.

One needs public
support to accomplish that.

How popular do
you think you'll

be if you
prosecute Denny Crane?

Denny Crane.

It's a children's
show, for god's sake.

He's a clown, and he's waxing

on about the end of the world.

Did you talk to him?

Over and over and over.

He said he had a
social responsibility.

My god, we had
viewers clicking

over to Aaron
Brown for a laugh.

Our show became
preachy, unfunny.

Ratings started to reflect it,

and we simply had
to get a new clown.

Zozo talked about 9/11?

Yes, to help children cope.

The Columbine shootings?

Many times he discussed
tragic current events.

So you're firing him for

discussing
serious subject matter,

when he's done so in
the past with your approval?

There is a line.

Telling our
viewers the planet is

about to become
extinct crosses it.

After he told the kids to ask

their parents
about hybrid cars,

that's when he
got fired, wasn't it?

This has nothing
to do with hybrid...

WKNW is owned by an
oil and gas company.

Nothing to do with our

parent company.
He wasn't funny.

We needed a funny clown.

How's it going?

I'm sitting here
trying to come up

with a closing to
defend bestiality.

That's how it's going.

You don't have to
defend it so much as...

What's this?

Research.

Do you realize
that studies show

10 to 30% of
sexually active adults

have fantasized or had some

form of
encounter with an animal?

Denise, I...

Are we ready?

All set.

You don't have to treat
me like a leper, Shirley.

I don't have a disease.

Dwight, you're my friend,

and I will try to stand
by you through this but,

let's not pretend you don't
have a serious illness.

There are worse
things than loving an animal.

Really? Name three.

You know, I was
never gonna tell you this.

When you were 13, and your
parents sent Bumpy away,

it wasn't to
some greener pasture

where he'd be
happier like they told you.

Bumpy went to
a slaughterhouse.

And then he
returned to your freezer.

You ate him, Shirley.

So don't get so
high and mighty with me.

You ate your precious Bumpy!

Why should I have to close?

Why should I have
done everything else?

Exactly.

You've got a
connection going that...

I lack.

Why are you
afraid of clowns? Really.

Because...

they're evil.

And it simply isn't right

for parents to tell
their children to just...

trust them so.

Did a clown
ever... do anything to you?

No!

They're just...

evil.

Alan...

you need to close.

First, you have
a better grip on

this whole
global warming issue,

which I tend to dismiss as...

Fuzzy math.

And second,

at some point, every man,

even the half-evolved kind,

needs to confront his fears.

You need to stand up
and deliver this closing.

Will the clown be there?

Animal rights activists
are obviously very upset,

though it should
be noted there is no

evidence that the
cow ever complained.

Your client's behavior
doesn't shock you, counsel?

Of course it does.
But sex with animals?

It's hardly a new concept.

Greek literature is
full of it. So is art.

Chagall. Picasso.

Rembrandt.
They've all depicted it.

To this day, men
still dream of mermaids.

And what woman hasn't had a
friend with a half-man,

half-bull fantasy?

Your honor, I
need you to listen.

Look, if you intend to
romanticize the idea...

Shakespeare already did that

in "A
midsummer night's dream."

So did yeats in his famous
poem "Leda and the swan."

"How can these
terrified, vague fingers"

"push the feathered glory
from her loosened thighs?"

Lord, love a duck!

So did Leda.

And who can forget
King Kong and Fay Wray?

And where did
Stuart Little come from?

Sex with a cow is outrageous.

It's gross.

And it's every bit as

shocking as the
plaintiff contends,

but it is not
grounds for annulment.

And if you suddenly
declare that it is, watch out.

Because there very well

may be more of this out there

than any of us
want to believe.

He cheated on his wife.

She's entitled to a divorce.

But bestiality is not, never

has been
grounds for annulment.

By the way, in some states

it's not even
expressly outlawed.

Of course, she's humiliated
and feeling disgraced.

But that
doesn't change the fact

they had a marriage.

None of this is to say we

believe in Mr.
Crane's innocence.

We don't.

But we have to
face the reality

we lack a good faith

belief of
securing a conviction.

We're therefore declining to

make an arrest at this time.

Personally, I am
disgusted by his conduct,

and I will report his actions

to the board of bar overseers.

The putz.

- You ought to be happy.
- I'm not happy.

He insulted me
on live television.

You dodged a bullet, Denny.

And took one right
in the ass. The putz!

He had incorporated many

serious subjects
into his programs,

all with the
station's approval.

But when he moved on to global

warming, carbon
dioxide pollution,

he suddenly had to be stopped?

Because he was
suddenly less funny?

No.

Because the station
was owned by Globoco oil.

This discharge was
wrongful. It was in bad faith.

My client has
built this company's

fortunes for 13
years being Zozo.

It is his livelihood.

He's perhaps the most popular
clown in this country.

And this court
should issue a TRO

to stop this outrageous
travesty of justice.

I could be wrong, but a

clown's main
job is to be funny.

Global warming is not.

Your honor, the
Arctic polar ice cap is

declining at the
rate of 9% per decade.

We're talking
about a rising sea level

that could wipe out huge

pieces of the
world's landmass,

more importantly, us.

Massachusetts,
California, our coastlines.

That simply isn't funny.

Unless, of course,
you live in Nevada.

Don't get me wrong.

Millions of
Americans go to sleep at night

praying that the
nation's number one clown

will finally start
caring about global warming.

But this is a
children's entertainment show.

And let me ask you.

If our own
government is allowed to

edit and alter
scientific findings,

if it can control the

information
flow on this subject,

why then shouldn't a
private television station

get to enjoy
that same freedom?

You're a clown.

Be funny.

Global warming is not.

In 35 years, Denny, I have

never forbidden
you to do anything.

Don't start now.

I will call the
partners together right now.

What's going on?

He's going on...

"Larry King."

What?
Tonight. He's

catching the 7
o'clock shuttle.

Denny, you can't be serious.

Why does everybody
insist I can't be serious?

The district attorney

slathered me on
live television.

I think you mean "slandered."

- Well, I'll
have the last word

Listen to me.

They could
still bring charges,

if you say something
to incriminate yourself.

Give me some
credit, will you, Paul?

Credit?

You shot out your
client's kneecaps!

The public needs to
hear from Denny Crane!

TiVo me, will you?

Please, god, have mercy.

How could you not stop him?

We tried to stop him. We

tried to get you to stop him.

Larry King.

Alan, judge is back
with a ruling. Let's go.

- Tonight?
- Come on.

Can't you go by yourself?

- It's just a ruling.
- You're doing this.

Disgusting.

Regrettably, this
fetish with animals

may indeed be more

prevalent than
we'd like to think.

And it's a slippery slope.

Many women derive sexual

pleasure from
riding on a horse. Sick.

But we can't just go
around annulling marriages

every time Debbie
goes for a canter. Gross.

I'm afraid your only
legal recourse, Mrs. Biddle,

is divorce.

Sick!

We're adjourned.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

I may have
manifested my love for

you in ways that
brought you shame,

perhaps revulsion,

but I do love you.

And love is hard
enough to find, Jeanie,

without attaching a
lot of restrictions.

"A lot of restrictions"?

It's not like I set
a lot of ground rules.

But limiting yourself to a

single species is one of them,

our species, Dwight.

I broke it off.

I'm gonna get rid of her.

I think I'd like to
sell the whole farm,

move to the city,
outside of all temptation.

You broke it off?

Yes.

You're never
going to see her again?

I promise.

Welcome back to
"Larry King live."

And with me now
is Denny Crane, the

legendary Boston
attorney who just yesterday...

apparently opened
fire on his own client.

- It was self-defense.
- You're kidding.

Self-defense?
You're not really

asking people to believe that?

Larry, it's a
crime to shoot people,

even child-raping, murdering

schmucks like my
client was and still is.

Okay. But
clearly you're not saying

if the defendant is
repugnant enough, fair game,

you're entitled as a criminal

defense attorney
to shoot someone?

No, no, no.
Come on.

It's self, it's self-defense.

But even if I did

simply choose to
shoot him, which I

didn't, because
it's against the law,

so what?

"So what"?
Larry, you

know what the real problem is?

Too many
criminals get away with it.

We got
hundreds of thousands of

unsolved
murders in this country.

So what you're saying is

it's okay for defense lawyers

To take the law
into their own hands.

No! Come on.

You know what's
gonna happen with

this child
rapist murdering scum?

Ashcroft.

God bless him,
he's gonna swoop in,

and he's gonna transfer

this case to the federal court

so we can impose
the death penalty.

Denny, Ashcroft is no
longer the attorney general.

Well, whatever.
The Spanish guy.

Even better.

My client's gonna
get the death penalty,

bad knees and all,
because he deserves it.

And all the bleeding
liberals and all of Hollywood

will come running to defend

him, make him a cause celebre.

But who's crying for
the 13-year-old girl?

The problem with the
criminal justice system,

the criminals have more

rights, they
have more attention,

they get more
sympathy than the victims.

It's disgusting, Larry.

It's, it's...

It's disgusting.
Let's go to the listeners.

Hey! Donna in
Cincinnati, what do you got?

And while I find
that the petitioner may

very well have a
legitimate cause of action,

I don't find such a

substantial
likelihood of victory

that would allow
me to issue a TRO.

Accordingly, I
find for the defendant.

I wish you all good luck

and a satisfactory resolution.

Adjourned.

Oh, thank you
both. That's a relief.

We're going to
have to settle this.

We will.

Okay then. Let's go home.

Alan.

You have to do this.

You're 44 years old.

Tell him you're a
fan. Shake his hand.

Will you go with me?

Right by your side.

Mr. Zozo, I, uh...

I just wanted to say...

how much I've
always enjoyed your work.

Thank you.

Would you like
to squeeze my nose?

No, no, no.

You've been more than kind.

Alan.

Well, perhaps
one little squeeze.

You waited up for me.

And I've been frantic.

You, out at all hours.

Did you see the show?

I did.

You were inimitable.

Denny, what possessed you?

Everybody's so
convinced I lost it,

I was becoming
convinced myself.

So I decided to
sail right into it.

And I was Denny Crane.

Yes, you were.

I squeezed a
clown's nose tonight.

Good for you.

Guess we're never too
old to conquer our fears.

I got a call from the

Republican
national party tonight.

They think I might
have a future in politics.

They want to put
some feelers out.

Maybe me running for mayor.

Of Boston?

We wouldn't get to
be flamingos again.

Of course we would.

What would you do as
mayor, Denny, really?

Oh, I don't know. I'd, uh...

attack Rhode island.

It's small.

What was the word you used to

describe me on
the show tonight?

- Inimitable.
- That's it.

That's the kind
of mayor I would be.

Inimitable.

It's fun being me.

Is it fun being you?

Most of the
time, yes, actually.

Well, what else is there?

Indeed.